Just Terrible

I’ve been thinking that I should have never married my wife.   Some people say that you should just look back and be thankful for the good times at the conclusion of a relationship.  It would have been so much easier to do if she acted….normal.

In an ideal world, we could have worked things out.   Second case scenario, we realized that it wasn’t working, we tried to fix things, and if not possible, we could have amicably split with at least a friendship in tact.

Unfortunately, selfish people tend to sabotage the underpinning foundation of friendship that usually start off at the beginning of a romantic relationship.    This has been the case.   As much as I would have liked to have been at least amicable, the psychological damage inflicted upon me is a lot to bear.   I don’t think our friendship can survive, let alone our marriage.

At this point, I do understand the nature of women (apparently a vary large majority act terribly and unfairly in relationships).   It’s a painful lesson that many men are experiencing.   Even though, now that I know what I’m dealing with… as in it’s her nature and there isn’t really much I can do about it….It’s so hard not to be angry, disappointed, hurt, and disgusted.

Up until this point, I’ve never had any real enemies.   Even my terrible ex’s haven’t been able to injure me like this.   How can someone be so cold, conniving, wicked, and yet unrepentant about it.   How does she sleep at night without feeling guilt over destroying something as beautiful as her own family.

Yet this is what I’m dealing with.   Arguments are coming more frequent and becoming more explosive.   She seems to think she can just bully me or talk to me any way.    This IDGAF attitude along with her coldness makes me know that she isn’t right for me.   And that’s cool.   I think I’d rather be single for a while anyway as I figure out if all women are like this, or if I just chose a bad apple.

This horrible attitude has me vexed.   I’m showing a lot of restraint and by no means will I put my hands on her.   But I wonder why some women provoke men who show restraint to the point where they consider it.   I’ve been in abusive relationships before and won’t strike a woman unless it’s out of self defense.

In a man’s world, we fight disrespect with our fists.  A disrespectful man who can’t defend himself is asking for an ass whooping.  In fact, it’s not uncommon for a man to say about another man that he needs his ass kicked.   I don’t condone violence against women, but some of these women get out of line because they haven’t been humbled.   They know that the consequences of men putting his hands on her is much much worse and they often take full advantage of the fact through disrespect.

It’s really sad that many men have to take emotional and verbal abuse and are powerless to do anything about it.   The guys who don’t show much restraint get more respect from her, but of course there are also men who abuse their power.  The law (nor society for the most part) tend to make the distinction.

Either way, I have to get out of this situation.   As I’ve written before, it hurts that I have to emotionally destroy my son in order to get this peace.   But I cannot tolerate the emotional abuse.   Our situation is set up in a way that we depend on each other to care for him.  He’s sure the carry the brunt of the dissolution of our home.   I hate the fact that she claims to love him, but yet be  ok with being the primary cause of the disharmony in our home.

I can’t love her anymore in light of all of this.   Not in that way.   So here I am, living with a woman, who is ignorantly selfish, admittedly emotionless, co dependant, flaky, amoral (at best), and at her worst, just a terrible person.   Yet she sees nothing wrong as she doesn’t know how she feels, doesn’t care to know, and uses her ‘unhappiness’ as an excuse to act in hurtful ways to others.  She has the nerve to call out bad behavior in others, she hides what she’s doing from others (through lies and deceit) so she knows she’s wrong for that.

I’m no saint.   I tried to walk the righteous path.   I’m hypocritical as I’ve deviated from the path of fidelity.    A man doing what he gotta do is really no excuse.   I’ve allowed her dysfunction to affect my choices when it comes to staying faithful in this ‘marriage’, so I no longer hold the high moral ground.    At least my justification, is that I tried.  I warned her.   I begged, I pleaded, I signed us up for counseling.   I wrote letters, I extended my hand, I tried forgiveness…..only to be hurt by her again and again.  I feel justified in that I feel that she pushed me out there.  It’s not right, but I did it for my own sake.  My own mental health.  I needed to stop feeling like I was nothing.

Whether I stepped out or not,  I’m still  left with no recourse but to do the ultimate.  Split our home…. Which unfortunately, my son is the innocent bystander in all of this.   Yet she still walks around, smiling, laughing, feeling ok with herself…I’m sure that her beauty and laid back disposition will entrap some sucker (as it did me).    We men can be fools when it comes to a pretty face at times.

I don’t care anymore.   I just need out.   I need to put this behind me.   Our anniversary is in 3 days.   I doubt she’ll mention it.  I certainly won’t.   Instead of looking back over the ‘great years’ we had, I’m looking back as if it were a prison sentence.   I just wanted to love her and raise a family, I tried to do the right thing, it wasn’t enough……I wanted to shield kiddo from this…..That’s the part that sucks the most.

Life’s bitch sometimes.



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