Guard your hearts in marriage

 

I met a beautiful married woman last week and we had a great conversation.  It felt as if we could have talked all night.  I offered my number and she wanted to get it.  I didn’t follow through and give it to her because all I could think about was if we were to start something, how much pain it would cause her husband.   I could tell that she was excited by the prospect of exploring s certain side of herself.  Even though I didn’t know her husband, I know that they had 3 kids and I couldn’t see myself as a reason to contribute to whatever issues they might have.   I’m no saint, I’ve been though it personally, so I know how it feels to get cheated on by your spouse.  But I can’t rightfully say that if we worked together or saw each other a lot, nothing would have ever happened.  It’s hard to judge, but I see how things can happen.  Here a possible explanation.

Married women are low hanging fruit.  They are usually more down to earth (to men that aren’t their husbands) and usually a bit bored.  They don’t have their defenses up and don’t guard their hearts.  It makes them easy pickings for players and guys who just don’t give a damn.   Thirsty guys with no game in the single’s marketplace have a better chance of connecting with one because certain rules don’t apply.   Their idea of adventure and fun is sneaking out of the house and going to a park or hotel to get busy with a stranger.   Single women don’t have this problem because they have the option of doing this all the time.   A bored married woman with loose morals (amoral) is like a fish in a barrel.  They are like the rebellious teenager who wants their independence.

A husband who truly loves his family does appear a bit needy.  If he truly loves her and does things for her, there is really no chase anymore.   She knows that she has him.  He may not argue with her too much just to keep the peace.  He’d prefer peace over arguing if the matter isn’t that serious.  He seems like a pussy.

Add household duties, knowing pretty much everything about each other, and decreasing sex, you have a recipe for a bored woman.  In essence, doing what you’re supposed to do to keep the ship running basically makes you boring to your spouse.

Most of these women are too damn stupid to realize that they low key seek out the excitement of a stranger.  They say they aren’t fulfilled in their marriage, but in actuality, it’s boredom.    If this wasn’t bad enough, once someone comes along and fulfills that need, they fall in love.  The often claim that the sex is amazing.   I don’t doubt it, but it’s because sex is mostly mental with women.   The taboo, danger, and newness of it all makes it feel that much better.

They become ready to leave their spouses and families for the new Mr. Soul Mate.   The truth is, that, because their hormones are  engaged, they are more open, expressive, and freaky.   Because they already have a man at home, they don’t worry as much about rejection and can be more uninhibited than if they were single.  They look these actions as evidence that the new guy is a better match for them.  The never stop think that it is because of their husband not in spite of him.

Falling in love already causes you miss out on red flags.   But married women fall easier.  They will leave a 90% good man for a 40% good man because they can’t accurately judge the 40% man.  They justify him.  They claim that they either never loved their husbands, didn’t love him as deeply or intensely, or just “grew apart.”   They don’t realize that the new guy may be only filling 10%  of her needs.  Due to the nature of long term relationships, her husband could no longer fill them, even if he wanted to.   The intensity of this new relationship is only due to the fact that she is married.  Not because the guy is a soul mate or anything.   It’s not to say that if she were single, she wouldn’t have fallen for the new guy.  But the intensity is greatly increased because she is already married or in a relationship.

People want what they can’t/ shouldn’t have.

What’s worse is that most men don’t realize that women are the gatekeeper of relationship experiences.   If she likes you, she makes it easier to talk to her.  The more open she is, the more fun she is.  Dudes like to think that it’s just because we have more “game” or are “better” men.  Simps think it’s because they’re soul mates or something.

But in reality, game can only take you so far.   It helps for sure, but it isn’t the only factor.  Her openness and willingness is what drives the interaction.   If she likes you, then you’re going to have a much better time with her.  Bottom line.   Married women usually set the bar lower when looking for lovers.  I don’t think they intentionally do this, but it’s often why you’ll hear stories of how a woman left her stable steady, good provider husband for the “pool boy.”

It’s very likely that these same women would have cheated with their current husbands had they been married to the new guys for years.

Unfortunately, most women let their emotions paint their reality.   They are told to follow their “hearts.”  Noone tells them that the heart is wicked, deceptive, and painfully naïve.   It might be ok advice to single people who aren’t hurting anyone but themselves, but it really is stupid advice for people who have families who rely on them.

Happiness is elusive and it’s a moving target.  Today’s society tells people to keep pursuing this happiness at all costs.  It’s sad that so many families and homes are broken because stupid, selfish, narcissistic people take it as justification to do whatever they want regardless of the circumstances or consequences.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness Matters Most

Putting your happiness on someone else (no matter who does it) is a recipe for a failed marriage, broken homes, and emotionally scarred children.  When love is mostly based on how happy you are with someone, once the honeymoon is over, the love is gone.  Most people confuse love and happiness in relationships.  Both are a choice and when it comes down to it, none of us want to choose it when it gets hard.

It’s sad that our children have to suffer because we are always searching for the next best thing. We justify that our kids would be happier if we were happy. No they would actually be happier if we would stop allowing our selfishness and lust dictate what happiness looks like.
The prevailing attitude today has become ‘our’ Happiness Over Everything  (H.O.E mentality) ….Including our word, responsibility, and duty. The worst thing is that we often aren’t willing to work for it and would prefer it to just be given to us. As the old saying goes “A man is about as miserable as he chooses to be”. Instead of sacrificing a bit and finding happiness within our responsibility, we’d rather destroy our homes in search of something ‘better’.

Because we think something might be better or easier, we CHOOSE discontent and misery as justification to hurt so many people. In the process we turn a blind eye to the ‘good’ parts of what we do have. In essence throwing out the ” baby with the bathwater.” We psyche ourselves out and focus on the negative to make ourselves seem like ‘good’ people to justify our selfish lustful desires.  Then well tell ourselves that our kids will be ok.

Personally, if I ever meet a woman who would/could do this with to her family and kids, I’d never date her seriously.   I’d screw her sure.  Probably cheat on her because I’d feel she deserved it.  If the sex was good, I might stay around, but I’d know that there is no point in setting myself up long term for a relationship.  She doesn’t understand loyalty and would probably leave as soon as she “stopped feeling it.”  It doesn’t matter how well you treat her nor if you have kids involved.  Her happiness is her number one concern.

If it doesn’t look the way she envisioned it, nothing you can do, no matter how well things really are can convince her otherwise.    This is why I believe most men aren’t so keen on getting married or in relationships.  The nature of so many women these days is that they cannot be satisfied for long unless you stay emotionally unavailable.    I now cringe when I see someone taking a knee to propose.

We have perverted the idea of the pursuit of happiness and are headed down the path of unabashed hedonism. We should all just stop with the romantic fantasy b.s. notion of love and loyalty and get down to what this really is…great sex with a variety of people with no responsibility to anything or anyone except our own happiness.

Why marry in the first place?

It seems that there are huge number of people leaving decent marriages because they are no longer happy.  My wife has one foot out the door for that reason.  Her affair was likely an exit affair.  Although we’ve been trying and going through the roller coaster of emotions after such a devastating move, we’re both still in limbo.  Her argument is that people who aren’t happy shouldn’t stay married.   That the kids would be better off if she were happy in the long run.   She doesn’t really want to work on it.

It’s so odd because to me, we seem to have a pretty decent marriage.  We get along pretty well, both have pretty good jobs.  Both are pretty good looking.  We can laugh and joke.  Family time is fun.   I actually do most of the domestic work since she works longer hours.    But yet, she is not happy nor fulfilled for some reason.  It irks me that she had the affair, is the lazier one, but yet, she’s the one that’s so unhappy that she is willing to split up the home.

She’s the boring one who just wants to stay on social media and watch reality TV all night.  She never plans anything, never wants to go anywhere (too tired), has no hobbies (by choice), but yet she’s the one who feels unfulfilled?  Let’s not even talk about the sex (or scarcity thereof).  Not to mention the lies, inappropriate male ‘bff’ which she insists on keeping despite the alleged 1 time incident earlier in our marriage, and the other things she lies about.   How about the fact that she gets time alone on her days off, but all my days off, I’m pretty much babysitting all day.

As a background, my parents didn’t get divorced until I was an adult.  Their marriage was horrible though.   Her parents were never married.   Maybe the difference is that I know a shitty marriage when I see one.  Ours is so much better.   That said, my parents had a pretty shitty marriage.

Honestly, I often wonder wtf is the matter with me.  If anyone is settling, it is me. I know this, but overall, I’m a pretty fulfilled person with my own hobbies, job, side hustle, workout routine….etc.   Having my family completes it.

I wouldn’t keep her in the marriage she doesn’t want.  I would make the move to leave myself, but I don’t want to inflict that emotional damage on my son and I know that my God hates divorce.   I can’t lie, I’m in limbo though and often think that my sex life would probably better and I wouldn’t have to worry about playing detective (which is really moot at this point because she lies so much).  I really just do it because my pride won’t accept her cheating on me again.   I don’t trust her bottom line.  I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself.

I wonder if I’m afraid to leave because I don’t want to hurt my son so deeply or if it’s my ego not wanting the so called “BFF” to win.  He could have her though (just wish he’d wait until i moved out).  She’s a shitty wife.  Maybe she’d be better to him, but either way, she’s shitty in the areas I need her to be at least normal at.  He’s kind of stupid for wanting her assuming she tells him everything about us, but that’s another story.  He sounds like a white knight and she’ll probably end up ruining that friendship if they end up together, but that won’t be my problem.

But this isn’t about me.  My issue with her is that she’s making keeping our family together all about “her happiness.”  It’s a tough position because I don’t want her to stay if she’s unhappy.  I’m unhappy too, but for some reason, not enough to put our kid through this.   We could fix things, but she’d have to change from being a shitty person.  But if she’s unhappy, i guess she has no real incentive to do so.

The point is that if so many women get married and discover that they are unhappy years later only to want to divorce, what is the point of getting married.  For all that, she could have been a baby mama and saved all of us the heartbreak of destroying a home.  At least my son wouldn’t have known what it was like to have a home with both parents living there only to lose it.   We could have saved a ton of money by not having a wedding.   She gave us home and now she wants to take it away from us all because of her selfishness.  Her selfishness is what makes her unhappy.  Too many women i’ve noticed seem to feel entitled to their selfishness and everyone else should bow down to their desires.  It doesn’t matter how many people get hurt or depend on them, it’s all about them and their pursuit of feeling happy.

I’m pretty self reflective and neither of us can identify what it is about me or what I’m doing that makes her so unhappy.  I suspect it’s because I treated her so well and never cheated, but that’s another blog.    Either way, I have no idea what would cause a woman to place her own happiness above the family to the degree that she could not find a sense of happiness in a pretty decent situation such as this.   Apparently it happens  a lot.

It’s like I’m the bad guy wanting to save our family and hold her to her vows.  I will admit that at this point, I don’t know if I really even want HER specifically anymore.   Loyalty is huge, family is important to me, she doesn’t have to be a saint, but integrity goes a long way.  Not so much for her apparently and that’s deal breaking stuff for me.    She acted like it was in the beginning and I wish i had known the red flags.   It’s unfortunate that I found out too late after we have a little one depending on us.

They say that the person who cares the least in a relationship holds all the power.   It sucks because she cares less about our family than I do.  It’s not even like it’s about having her to me because I feel that I could either find better or at least be better off by myself.

I’m now stuck in this stupid conundrum of putting my happiness (of keeping the family together) vs letting her be happy (and splitting us up).

If unhappiness is enough to leave/break a family and people are justified for leaving for that reason alone, then what is the point of marriage again.  I understand abusive or dangerous situations, but outside that, I always thought you could work at it.  There really is no point in tying the knot if it is so easily untied because you just stopped feeling it.   We may have well just remained boyfriend and girlfriend or better yet, FWB.

I feel so cheated, and I’m not saying this is easy for her.  She has to live with knowing she is doing this.  Doesn’t seem to bother her too bad though, but I imagine she just doesn’t talk about it to me.  The thing is that I can’t even reference the feeling she must have because I just see no justification (whether I agree or not) in this.   It’s selfish, immature, and wicked.  But it seems that, unless, God Almighty intervenes and changes her heart, I just have to accept it.

 

 

Side Dudes…nature’s voluntary cucks

These days a lot of men don’t mind being a female’s “side” dude.  These guys are the lowest forms of scum on God’s green earth in my opinion.   Many claim to be bosses or ‘alpha’.   It’s funny because while some claim that they are making the main guy the cuck…and they are….the main guy is often unaware of it.  Side guys are the ones voluntarily signing up for the position.

The side dude is fully aware that that cheating chick is often living with and often still sleeping with her main dude.   They voluntarily choose to share a woman with someone.  Talk about low hanging fruit.   It’s funny because they often feel that they are getting one over or are somehow more of man.   With so many single women out there, if their game was on point, then why are they settling for sharing a woman?  You might not ever truly know if your girl is faithful, but the difference is that you don’t know that she isn’t.  Side dude know that she’s very likely still having sex with her man as a fact.

Sure, they might be easier maintenance on one hand, but on the other, if their game was tight, maintenance wouldn’t really be a problem.   They’re also the reason many women ain’t ish too.  Seriously, if they weren’t so thirsty, these sloots would have to either leave or be honest and stay.  If these dudes were so alpha, they could get their own women and not have to worry about someone’s sloppy seconds. I’m thinking that these dudes settle because their game isn’t really that great and they are thirsty.  I often wondered if my wife was single at the time, would she have even given that low life loser a chance.  Seriously, aside from the possibility of this dude having a bigger dick (and I really don’t know what he had), I really can’t see anything that made him better than man me.

Are they so stupid that they actually believe it when a woman says she isn’t sleeping with her main guy? I mean dude, that chick is cheating, she’s obviously a liar.   Is her character one of where you can trust anything she says?  She obviously makes bad decisions and TBH, instead of feeling like you’re better than that dude, you’d think you’d feel sorry for him.  Even if you did keep messing with her.

Even if he was a simp, you’d think that you would “get it” enough not to be contemptuous and disrespectful against him.  Especially if he’s otherwise handling his business.

Dudes are stupid.  I’ve noticed that at least 80% of the women I’ve dated said something along the lines of me being great in bed.  They’d allude that I’m one of (if not) the best they’ve had.   That’s without me asking or prompting.   It used to go to my head until I thought about it and realized that I pretty much told them the same thing.  While there is truth in there, most of the time,  it weighs about  the same as the lie.  But all things given, I’d rather hear that than not.   It just doesn’t inflate my ego as much.   If i’m honest, i think that they probably really say it to most,  if not all guys they end up sleeping with if they care to keep him around.

The point is that their ego’s are boosted so high by believing this lying ass immoral woman that actually believe that they are somehow better and the main guy is worthy of contempt somehow.   My wife’s affair raised all sorts of insecurities in my until i realized that no matter what, that guy is NOT a better man than me.  In fact, it’s very likely that she would have cheated with me on him if they had been together first.  Even if he was a ‘better’ man somehow.  This is just based on chemistry that we have or (at least one time had).

Cheating truly doesn’t have anything to do with the betrayed person as much as it does with the cheater.   A person who cheats on their spouse/SO is actually less worthy to be with the loyal person.  The ego has a funny way of twisting that around.   Just remember that she probably would have cheated with you on that person if the shoe was on the other foot.   that thought helped my ego anyway.

But I don’t think I would have cheated with her.  I never like sharing my woman with anyone.  Giving oral is absolutely out of the question if I know she has a dude.   She could do it to me.  While it would be kind of funny to know that she went back and kissed that guy after doming me, on a certain level it would be messed up knowing that it could just as easily happen to me.

I don’t know how hot, passionate sex can occur knowing that she has someone else.  It would feel to me like kissing or licking a prostitute.  I think this is partly why finding out  a chick is cheating makes you so angry.   Maybe the side guy is ok with knowing that, but as for me, I’d rather not.   Plus knowing he’s ok with this makes me wonder what he’s out doing on the side.  He is probably the type that has no problems kissing or eating out actual hoes.  It raises a few questions.  How many dicks has he sucked second hand?   How much cum has he kissed of a woman’s lips?  And now my girl is actually kissing and making out with that dirty douchebag?  There are principles in this ya know.

So to all of the voluntary cucks aka side dudes out there, you’re not really alpha because let’s face it, you are sneaking around.  Alpha’s don’t have to sneak around, they just do what they do and you either accept it, fight about it,  or move on.   In fact, in the animal kingdom, the betas often sneak around the alpha to try and mate with a female when they think he isn’t looking.

We somehow get the game twisted, but the moral of the story is that a ho gonna be a ho regardless of if she’s a monkey ho or a human ho.

 

 

 

 

 

Snooping….what’s with all the secrets anyway?

I often play devil’s advocate with myself in order to see if it’s me or if everyone else is crazy.  This does often give me insight and understanding from different points of view.  One thing I still haven’t come to grips with is the issue of snooping through your S.O.’s cell phone.  I mean people seriously find this as a problem and I don’t really get it.

I do have limits.  Search histories, texts with family members or known friends, or work related emails are no go zones for me.  But, I do like to know who they’ve been texting or who they’ve been talking to.   My reason being is that  everyone who cheated on me had two things in common….1)I trusted them and 2)they lied to me.   I’m pretty sure everyone has had this experience.   I can totally understand why a future SO might want get that extra level of security by going through my phone every now and then.

I know it’s not fool proof because there are ways around that, but still, it does help when that person is open enough to be ok with me going through her phone.   I mean, I’m pretty open with my SO about going through my phone if I don’t have anything to hide.

Assuming that I’m not hiding anything and if she needs to reassure herself of my honesty helps her sleep better at night, then I don’t have a problem with it personally.   I’m pretty confident that if she had been cheated on in the past, her experience was like mine.  She trusted that person and they lied to her.  Even if I didn’t give her any reason to doubt me, I get it.   I mean, often times, cheating does happen seemingly out the blue.

The thing for me is that the more protective over their phone they are, the more I want to see what the big secret is.  In long term, committed relationship, what secrets are you hiding that you can’t trust your SO with anyway.  I’d argue that the person hiding the ‘secret’ (even if it isn’t cheating) doesn’t trust their SO enough anyway.  I’m just not convinced that people are really so concerned about their privacy as they claim.  I think they are more worried about doing things that they wouldn’t want their SO doing to them.

Don’t get me wrong,  it is weird and creepy to snoop through someone’s phone if you just met them.  Or if you don’t have an intimate relationship with them.  But if we’re so close that I share my most private thoughts and fears with you and you presumably do the same, then I’m not sure where the whole need for hiding things come up.

I’m not saying one should make it a habit to go through their SO’s stuff, but cell phones should be an open book.  It shows that you care enough about the other person to aid in their healing.  Being secretive shows that you do trust that person enough to accept you as you are.

I’m ok, as long as it doesn’t become obsessive.   With me, once I check every now and then and find nothing suspicious, it actually helps deter me from wanting to look.

It’s like she earned that level of trust in a way.

It’s the height of arrogance to think that you’re so trustworthy beyond everyone else that you get offended if your SO has a question about it.  People lie and cheat on people who trust them all the time.  If you’re worried that I might take something your male friend said to you out of context, then it shows that you don’t trust me, or think that I’m too insecure to “handle” it.   It could also mean that there is more to that “friendship” than you’re willing to  or want to admit.

Personally, if I had a close female friend, I wouldn’t want her keeping secrets from her Husband.  Even when I speak to my closest male friends about my personal issues, I assume they go back and tell their wives.   I just think it’s a bad habit to hide things from your SO and I wouldn’t want to involve them in something that they had to keep from them.   If your opposite sex friend encourages you to hide things from your SO, then I’d really question their underlying motives.

Some people call it insecurity.  That might be the case for some people, but more often than not, it’s a smokescreen.  It’s not that I don’t think that I’m somehow not good enough.  It’s that maybe sometimes, people just don’t care about how awesome you are and would prefer to cake eat.  Plus most people are pretty shitty when it comes to self control.    Cheating hurts and it is humiliating, especially now that side chicks/dudes are at an all time high.

In most situations, I apply the golden rule in relationships.  But, If you don’t trust me enough to let me go through your phone, then we definately shouldn’t be together.   It actually shows that you’re insecure or at the very least hiding something.

People with nothing to hide, don’t hide anything.