It’s Just Preference

I think that the question of if ‘lack of ambition’ is an unattractive quality is just a random thing. It’s not a question of morality or anything of significance. It’s just a matter of preference. It’s like if a fat person asks why do so many people prefer skinny/middle sized people. We can all spout off the ideas that we prefer average sized/skinny women for health reasons. But the reality is that (as men anyway) if a woman is just genetically blessed with the ability to maintain a nice size, it really doesn’t matter what her eating/workout habits are. We’ll generally still be attracted to her.

I can think of a few women who eat fairly well and workout out pretty consistently, but are still overweight. I’m not attracted to them, despite their healthier lifestyles. I can also think of a few women who eat garbage and rarely hit the gym….yet the still maintain a pretty decent size. And they are attractive to me.

So this ambition thing is just a matter of preference. It really doesn’t speak to the efficacy/competence/intelligence of a person. In fact, there is a thing of being “too ambitious” which I’ve heard a few women complain about. If ambition were an inherent biological turn on trigger. It could be argued that the most “ambitious” men would get all of the women. But highly ambitious men also get cheated on and left every day for less ‘ambitious’ men. From my perspective, the question of attractiveness of “ambition” is just the spirit of the time. It’s just a social construct that we as a society has deemed as important in this day and age. The laid back, “it’s all cool man”, zen like, island boy archetype, or free spirited, but fun hippie type was once coveted amongst women. In some cases still may be, depending on who she is and where she is in her life.

We just live in a time of gross materialism and excess consumerism and it just is what it is. There may be a bigger reason for this, but to me, the WHY doesn’t really matter…. as I assume that it doesn’t to most people in this ‘get the bag’ culture we’re presently living in.

I can’t explain why I “beat myself up” in my evening workouts…..I just do it because I like the results. I don’t view it as a dealbreaker if someone else doesn’t do it. Maybe I’m making such a big deal out of it because this is the reason why STBXW claims that fell out of love. But in reality, I probably should take what she says as a grain of salt. I mean seriously, I know how she is and her answers aren’t well thought out. The guys she dealt with don’t seem any more “ambitious” than me from what I can tell….and so she probably just used that as an excuse for her “bad behavior”. If I suddenly became more objectively “ambitious”, she might stay for a while, but eventually, she’d find something else. I’m thinking that shit ain’t as sweet as she thought it was out there in the streets….but she can’t go back on her words….so even if she said….”now that you’re more ambitious I want you back.”… i truly don’t believe that was the reason she did what she did anyway. If i were to guess the actual reason, I’d say it was more or less to do with my personality. I’m not as funny as she’d like for me to be. I’m not as ‘alpha’ or ‘driven’ insofar as leading her to a specific destination. And I think she equates those qualities with ‘ambition’. It makes sense.

I need a woman who is ok with taking the driver seat with that. She’s ok with getting what she wants out of life, knows where she’s going, and ok if I tag along providing the value she needs and supporting her every step of the way. She’d have to be able to respect me though. I’m not a lazy bum and I pull my own weight….but if her idea of happiness is luxury and the ‘finer things in life’, then she doesn’t mind if mine isn’t. She’ll either inspire or motivate me to want it too….or accept that I don’t. I wouldn’t hold her back. I’d be with her every step of the way. She wouldn’t mind sharing as she would know that I’d love her anyway, she would know that I support her in achieving those things if they made her happy. Even if she wasn’t “ambitious” like that, she’d know that I’d have her back and it wasn’t the reason I was with her. I mean, I think I’d be the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

Or she’s either like me and ok with ‘smelling the roses’ in the journey of life. She needs to be free spirited and yet analytical. Thoughtful, but not too serious. I don’t know if those traits are common amongst women of today. I’m thinking that this is why I want a earthy chick. Someone who is more spiritual than carnal minded. One who doesn’t get caught up in trends and would prefer to beat to her own drum. One who isn’t infected by the ideologies of the “hive mind.”

Hustle Couture

I was reading an article today about 10 traits of ‘unattractive people.’ Number one on the list (and the only trait I happen to possess) is being unambitious. Maybe the algorithm is listening, but lately, I’ve been really contemplating this idea of ambition.

First thing first, I don’t reject those who have ambitions to do strive for MORE. More power to you. I do think that a lot of people are cap when then they say that they are ambitious though. Many do a lot of “talking” about what they want or what they will do, but few actually go out and do them. A truly ambitious person goes out and gets what they want and doesn’t really do too much talking about it, except in retrospect.

Another disclaimer is that I don’t condone being lazy or unproductive at all. I mean you have to support yourself and when you have a regular job, I think you should strive to bring value to that position by being competent at it and actually doing the work.

But that being said, I suppose that I am content where I am. The reason I’ve been contemplating it lately is because it seems that I didn’t get the memo as to why it’s such an important/attractive trait. What are they really striving for….i mean what if luxury and fancy trips, cars, clothes, vacations, or abundant wealth isn’t my priority. Sure I’d take them if handed to me….or if I had a clear path to get those things. If the opportunity fell out of the sky and landed in my lap, sure I’d work to achieve those things. But as it stands now, I’m pretty happy.

I’ve never been impressed with people just because they hold a fancy title, position, clout, lots of money, or material things. I’m happy for them if they’re happy. Whether they worked hard for them or not, it’s still not my concern. It’s nice, but again, not my priority in life. They can’t take those things with them when they die. They could also lose them tomorrow. Building a legacy is cool if that’s what you’re motivated to do, but again, you can’t take it with you. I don’t think they are better or more capable than me, I just think that most times, their unique life’s paths put them in position to make it clear to them what could happen.

I don’t believe that for example….if Floyd Mayweather wasn’t born to a family of boxers in the vicinity of a boxing gym that he’d be Money Mayweather. Best case scenario, he’d probably been a warehouse worker or worked at the post office or something. If he didn’t get caught up in the streets (if he was raised in the hood or something), he probably would be a regular guy. Not to take anything from his work ethic in the gym….let’s be clear, he did put in the work. But he was put in a position with a clear path where he could focus and put in that work. It seems that his destiny/path was almost chosen for him. No hate or shade, but it is what it is. You could say the same for most bigillionaires, famous rappers or athletes. This idea of ‘getting it out the mud’ on their own seems to boil down to positioning and luck. The hard work was also necessary, but having the path laid out already were most crucial in his success. Even successful folks who didn’t have a clear path seems to have ‘stumbled’ onto it somehow. How many hard working, successful, rappers, athletes, and businessmen don’t make it. How many ‘successful’ people got lucky. Just saying. It almost seems like fate. But again, hard work is usually important either way though.

There is something about the consumerist, keeping up with the Jones’ mentality that turns me off. The look at me, I’m a special snowflake and deserve recognition or an award because I make a lot of money never sat too well with me. If you have a passion that can make money, by all means go for it. But it seems to me that MOST people don’t have passion for anything meaningful. They’re chasing fame and money because…..

And that is where I am confused. Perhaps I would be more ambitious if I had a real reason to desire those things in a more significant way. Maybe if I had a clear path, then I’d spend tireless hours honing my craft. Perhaps if I had a real passion for something, then I’d do it. But when people say that unambitious people are afraid of success. I have no clue of what that means. I have no reference point because as far as I can tell about myself, I am not afraid of success.

I am not lazy and when working with others, I make sure that I am a valuable and contributing member of the team. I keep my home fairly tidy. I work out most days a week (and I work hard) even if I don’t feel like it. I’m in pretty good shape, but I have no clue as to the real reason WHY I do it. It just makes me feel better about myself and it became habitual. I go to work every day and I’m usually fairly productive. But the point is that I do what needs to be done so I don’t think that I’m lazy.

Sometimes I wonder if most people are just caught up in some sort of mass psychosis where they feel like they have work to make more money to go to the next level to get more things. It’s like they’re under a spell which causes them to lust for more and more. Like, I really don’t the material worship and hustle culture that seems to have enchanted the masses. It feels disengenous as a lot of people who buy into this do things to make the money first, then IF it somehow contributes to society, it’s usually an unintended byproduct of their ‘hustle’ mentality.

I respect people more who actually make a difference first….bring value, then get rich off of that. Or if they are actually passionate about something, work at it, and then bring in the money as a result. But it seems that most people are more interested in making a quick buck and calling it ambition. I know too many people with clothing lines (they print T-Shirts) who would consider themselves ambitious. Again, I must stress that there is nothing wrong with having a side hustle. But I don’t see how selling T-shirts in an already oversaturated market makes one more attractive or desirable. People who fall for the old multi level marketing scams could also fall into this category. They are the worst if you ask me. I’ve gotten caught up in it and it’s disgusting how the top level people dangle these promises of ‘generational wealth’ and ‘luxury living’ onto people who buy into it. Most of the time, these products are inferior or average at best….nothing world changing about them…..yet these underlings buy into it hook, line, and sinker….as if the zeal for selling the business (usually not even the products) makes them feel like they’re better than others who don’t share that passion.

Statistically I’d imagine that less than .01% of people will be remembered after 2 generations after their death. It’s great to pass down money to your kids and all so they don’t have struggle so much for money, but let’s face it, you never know how your kids are going to turn out….and if they don’t have to struggle for anything in life, it’s likely they’ll turn out like me anyway.

Personally, I think that passion is more attractive than ambition. Greed and an unsatiable appetite for more and more are actually turn offs for me. I’m in the minority on this, but I’d rather live on a middle class budget with someone who is actually passionate about something than someone who hustles 80 hours a week just to bring in money in order to feel like they are better than others. This ‘get the bag’ / unfocused “hustle culture” seems toxic to me. It seems shallow and sheepish. It’s like most do it because they are following the crowd. It’s like they live in a fearful or ‘lack of abundance’ mindset. I really don’t get what is so appealing about it.

But maybe I am missing something. Maybe it’s not the world. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m really missing something here. I’ve been asking around hoping that someone would give me some satisfactory answer as to why it’s important to them. I usually get the buzz word answers like, “I want to leave a legacy”, or “it’s because we should always strive for more.”….. The most useful answer I got as to why people find it so attractive so far is because…. “ya know, it’s all the things that come along with it. Ambitious people have a certain way about themselves.” I guess, but it still seems like greed and a lust for admiration to me.

Given that so many people feel this way, I really wonder if something is wrong with me though. I’ll keep asking around and maybe something will click. And maybe I’ll finally understand. But as of now, I just don’t get it.

She’s just not into me

The issue with STBXW is also compounded by the fact that maybe she just isn’t in to me. I once read that if a girl is in to you, she makes it easy. She puts in the effort. She laughs at your jokes. She makes sex easier. Communication is easier because she drops her barriers. I believe this. I don’t think that they consciously do this though.

This could explain why it seemed so much easier in the beginning when we first got together. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped feeling me like that. Sure, I might have been good to her and treated her well. But this doesn’t ensure that someone is going to want to reciprocate in a sexual relationship. I’m not an unattractive guy….looks wise. But perhaps there is something about what she wants in a guy that I’m lacking for her. Perhaps foolishly….at one time….I would have at least attempted to change parts of myself for her in order to save the marriage. But that time has passed due to the way she handled “falling out of love” with me.

I don’t mind saying that she isn’t in to me. Everybody ain’t for everybody and truth be told, I’d much rather have a woman who loves me for me than to have to feel like I have to win her over. This is another reason why I no longer rest my hat on “in love” feelings that are subject to change when the oxytocin high has been cut. Real love to me is the ability to sacrifice that high for the sake of the relationship, bond, friendship, and family that we created. Perhaps it is necessary in the beginning to establish that bond, but it in certain ways, those intense emotional bonds will tend to temper over time and that’s where true love can begin to surface.

So in reality, while at one time, she may have been “in love” with me. She never truly loved me. I should have peeped that. This is one reason why I don’t really take my lover’s declaration of love as something I could feel confident in. One mistake I did make with her is that I outright dismissed it and never really thought about building upon it insofar as being in a real relationship. I did love and respect her, but I never let myself go…..that’s cool though because despite it feeling good at the time, I think that we’re just too incompatible in the way we view the world for it to sustain itself. I see her as another woman who lacks the ability to get to that deeper level and is emotion based. We had fun…but deep conversations usually took a bad turn. I just don’t think that we would have what it took to weather the storms that life might throw at us without her becoming vindictive, jaded, checking out, or giving up. It was a fun time though. Perhaps my experience with STBXW made me think deeper about it……some say it might not be fair to bring my past into that “relationship”…. but seriously, the issues were deeper than superficial imo.

Right now, as it stands, I don’t have anyone. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing. I do want someone, but maybe I do need time to be alone for a while. I’m not actively seeking, but a situationship seems to be what’s best for me right now. Some argue that it’s not fair to lead a woman on, but who knows. I’m not sure what I’d do if the ‘right’ one came along. Even if she checked off the right boxes, I feel that if I did allow myself to “let go” and fall in love….I’d lose frame….and she’d lose attraction to me. It’s like, love is a game that you can’t win. If you like her too much, she doesn’t like you back. If you don’t want more from her, then you’re stringing her along. Like bruh.

As cliche as it sounds, i think I just need to take time to love myself. The issue with STBXW will eventually take care of itself. The story (if it comes up) is that we’re separated and estranged and just haven’t completed the paperwork due to logistical reasons. That is the truth. I don’t want her back and see myself wanting her back anymore. I’ve never had a problem with rejection, I mean, I get rejected all the time. I don’t put myself out there a lot, but failure to get a choosing signal from someone I might be interested in is a form of rejection my book. It is what it is, so I keep it moving. This same philosophy should be applied to STBXW. She rejected me…and that’s cool. Sucks that I started a family with her and we have to break it apart…. but there is nothing i can do at this point. We cannot

The fact that I think that people/women subconsciously makes things easier for a man they’re interested in and harder for one they are not…..and the fact that STBXW seems to run mostly on emotions….i think that she’s ignorant of this fact.

I know that it sounds a bit meta, but i think that if we can examine our behavior and understand the why’s of what we do, we can exercise a bit more self control over ourselves. It’s like taking the ‘me’ out of this subjective experience and view it from a more objective lens. In other words…. “I” am not necessarily my thoughts or feelings. But rather “me” is a subjective thing that can be studied and possibly studied like any thing. This is hard though. And perhaps I would even have difficulty in doing it.

Maybe I over-estimated her

Lately, I’m really starting to think that STBXW isn’t really all that smart. Ok, I mean like I think something is really off or missing in her. Something isn’t right. There’s a saying that goes “the light is on, but nobody’s home.” Although that doesn’t quite describe it as she can and does answer questions as a sentient being would be expected to…. but it seems that she is missing something. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Maybe there is a certain level of self-awareness that she hasn’t quite risen to. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Not enough where it’s apparent upon first impressions, but if you were to dig a bit deeper and actually get to know her, it’s a bit noticeable. In my anger, I’ve thought of her as a black-blonde. You know, the stereotypical blonde that the jokes are made about.

I never thought of her as a ‘street smart’ person. Or one with a lot of common sense. But I thought that her level of naivity was a bit endearing. Only, it’s not when there are sharks, con men, smooth talkers, and others who would take advantage of her. She seems to lack a certain level of self reflection that causes her to be like, ignorantly selfish of how her actions affect others. I was thinking that either she doesn’t know or or doesn’t care….

The problem with this … for me anyway…. it that I am not presently great at manipulating emotions. She really needs structure and to respect that person who puts the structure in place. On a subconscious level, I think that she knows it, but she rebels against it. This bleeds over into her ignorance of awareness of self. I think she could easily be manipulated. I’m not a streets guy per say, but I’ve been around some sharks in the streets. I’m not easily impressed by smooth talkers. At least not to the point where I’d allow them to get over on me. When I first met her, I do recall telling someone that some guys could see her as a ‘lick’. Where I am from, this was a sucker or a person who is fairly easily manipulated.

She is led by her emotions a lot. Unfortunately, it seems that her empathy arrives from a place of attraction. She lacks deep understanding and prefers surface level conversations whenever possible. This could explain why we never really harped on deep level topics and could explain why if we did delve deeper into topics, she is/was mostly quiet. She’s the epitome of the saying “girls just wanna have fun”.

This also could explain my confusion as to why the answers to some of the questions I’ve asked her in the past seem unsatisfactory. She probably literally couldn’t explain why she does what she does even if she wanted to. At least not in a well thought out way. She is shallow in that regard. She doesn’t know herself and a very manipulative person could probably know more about her (and take advantage) than she does herself.

I’m thinking that her mental condition is degenerating. She used to get bouts of vertigo….which were never really explained. Now she’s having trouble with balance. She’s never been the most coordinated person in the world, but now she’s noticing that it’s affecting simple tasks such as bending down. She even has a slight gait in her walking now. Perhaps it’s a neurological condition. There are times when she doesn’t say anything or takes a while to spit it out. For example, yesterday, when I arrived home from work she pulled up in the apartment parking lot driving her mother’s car. I was going to keep walking, but she rolled down her window and called my name. So I look up and start walking towards her expecting her to say….something. She instead just sat there and looked at me. “Yes”, I responded, but she didn’t say anything. I thought she was playing a game, so I stopped walking towards her and got back onto the sidewalk. I was actually pissed because I thought she was just playing a stupid ‘control’ game. There have also been many times where she calls me, I answer with “hello” and she says “hey” and then…..silence. Again, I think that it’s a mind game. Like, why is she fucking with me. Sometimes, I’ll try to think of something to say….sometimes i flat out ask “what do you want.”….sometimes I just hang up.

Other times, if we’re hanging out, she’ll just call my name…..and not say anything. Or she does this annoying thing where she says…. “What?” as if i had just said something out the blue. I’m not much of a talker, I mean I don’t mind talking, but most of the time, I don’t share my thoughts unless we’re actually talking about something. I’d rather her do most of the talking anyway. I mean if silence is too uncomfortable, I’d prefer her to do the talking. I used to give in to that game (until she started with the disrespect and affairs) and I’d start rambling, hoping that she’d find something to catch on to. I’m just not one of those people who can just talk and talk and talk and talk most of the time unless I’ve been drinking. When rambling, I typically start talking about other people and things…. ‘gossiping’ or being a chatty patty… I prefer to keep it to myself. She likes to listen, but again, I don’t like telling other’s business, so I’d rather not say too much. If i go too deep, it becomes a monologue….that’s no fun as if she isn’t going to contribute, I may as well kept silent.

Otherwise, I’ll talk about my feelings about the relationship and usually that’s a one sided situation. I know that talking is a weak point for me so I think it sometimes feed into my insecurity about not being enough. Some of her closest family members are those people who seem to never run out of things to say. Maybe she expects that from me. They gossip, but also seem to be able to take any random thing and ramble on and on about it.

Closer and Closer

I was watching a dating show on youtube last night where callers call in and talk about themselves and the type of person they’d like to date. The influencer’s name is Kendra G. There are decent people on there at times, but there are also train wrecks that call in. The woman that called in last night was a 51 year old, 3x time divorcee. She claimed to be an investment banker from upstate new york. She claims that her current husband was crazy and he wouldn’t sign the paperwork to get divorced. According to her, they hadn’t slept together in over a year. When asked when the last time she was ‘intimate’ with someone, she responded….about a month ago…. with a married (not separated) man. Kendra was disgusted with this and ended up hanging up on her. In addition to this, the woman had some real emotional problems. Her moral compass appeared to be busted.

In many ways, she made me think about STBXW.

I know that I’m not perfect. Perhaps I shouldn’t be taking on a lover until I can figure out the divorce thing. I have been transparent with her though. I never meant to get ‘boo’ed’ up. I’m not even sure how we are still talking to this day. I certainly wasn’t looking for her. It went from getting a number, a few phone and text conversations, going out to lunch, having a fling as we both got wasted and had a great time together, to that was fun let’s do it again…..and almost 5 years later……How the fuck are we still fucking with each other? The story of my life. She’s the only woman I’ve been with intimately since I met her. Well I did slip up once or twice with STBXW, but I told her about it (after the fact)…..she was hurt…..I couldn’t promise her that I wouldn’t do it again…. but that I’d be honest and transparent if I did….I’ve made good on that since, but it’s been pretty easy since STBXW wants me to pursue her in between her trysts. I refuse. We haven’t had sex in over 2 years. Maybe if I really wanted to I could, but most of the time, I’m not exactly Mr. Romantic when I’m around her. This is a good thing in that it possibly could reset my progress insofar as emotionally disconnecting from her. Besides, i prefer making love and after reading some the texts she sent her male lovers…..I can’t see myself kissing or doing anything other than mechanical sex with her.

I know it sounds fucked up, but I hurt my lover once….this was before we got so close…. but in a way, i don’t want to betray her again. I gave her my word that if I do something with STBXW, I’d let her know and I plan on keeping it this time. She forgave me once and I do owe her honesty. Even if it hurts her. To me, it isn’t worth hurting her over. Even if I do move on and have sex with someone else, it won’t be with STBXW. How could I hurt someone who has shown me so much patience and love for a woman who could give a shit about me or our family.

IDK, I’m playing a game I cannot win. I don’t want to marry my lover. But I don’t want to hurt her either. If she finds someone else, I really can only hope that she’ll be honest with me as well. There has been some questionable activities, but I can only charge it to the game at this point.

Perhaps my moral compass is off….I’m not sure. I am still technically married on paper. Maybe it’s arguable that I’ve lied to STBXW by omission. But she never asked me directly and when she makes flimsy accusations that I’m seeing someone else, I never lie or deny. I just shut the fuck up. Ironically, I don’t think she would even mind as most of her lovers all had live in girlfriends that she knew about. But still, this is pretty messy from both of us.

Either way, I could see how people can call me a hypocrite. To me though, there is a difference. I’m not breaking up my family because I’m seeking personal happiness anywhere else. The person I’d end up hurting is my lover, not the STBXW as it seems that she doesn’t care. I also tried to work with her in getting a divorce.

Though I do feel disrespected in knowing that she is still my wife on paper and she’s out here sleeping around. It’s not as acute anymore. In fact, knowing what I know about her now….knowing that the guys she chooses to sleep with have girlfriends….and that she doesn’t mind being the side chick….knowing that she practically begs them to leave their women to get with her…..and knowing that this seems to be a pattern with her…..I’ve lost a ton of respect for her. Maybe it would be different if these guys were really single…..but the fact that she is willing to not only sleep with ‘taken’ men and willingly take another father out of the household in order to fulfill her desires….. I can’t help but look at her now in a certain way. She is not a good woman. At least not worth fighting for. I cannot take these blows in order to save my family.

Other men may not know about her like I do. Maybe none have taken her on because (despite sleeping with her knowing she is married)….perhaps they do have some honor insofar as not wanting to break up their families. Maybe her moral compass is so off that she doesn’t realize that some men actually do look at the reasons why she’s breaking up her home. IMHO she isn’t justified and I suspect that many would feel the same way. But that’s only IF she’s telling them the actual truth about us. Even then, who knows.

Let’s be clear. I don’t condone cheating. Even from them. As ironic as it seems being that I have a lover while being married. In a techincal sense, I suppose that I am a cheater/adulterer. In spirit though, to me anyway it’s more nuanced than that. Cheating to me is giving someone your word then going back on that word behind their back. It’s willfully breaking a promise knowing that the truth would hurt that person. So you lie.

In a sense, I am wrong. Perhaps I shouldn’t be leading my lover on …. but that’s a separate issue. I’ve been transparent….I don’t want to be married again…..and that to me is about as honorable as one can be. But I do get the argument that if I truly love her, then I should do the heavy lifting insofar as breaking things off in order for her to be better able to move on and possibly find someone who wants that. I have been honest and it’s her choice to keep fucking with me. Love is a drug man. The girl is in love with me for now. I love her too, but I know that I can’t let these chemicals get the best of me again. Perhaps it’s easier for me as I’m still dealing with the fallout from the last time I gave myself over to the chemical romance.

I might be wrong…..but is what I’m doing really that bad? Perhaps, I am just justifying my wrong behavior because it’s suiting me and I really am a clown for condemning STBXW when I’m doing technically the same thing. To me it just seems different though. At least I’m not out here breaking up families. My lover isn’t breaking up something that could have been salvaged. It’s all on STBXW as far as I’m concerned. This is a messy. Almost like a war that I didn’t want, but I feel that I had no choice but to get my hands bloody. I hope I haven’t “lost my soul.” I still want to do the right thing, but the lines are blurry. I really didn’t know how sideways this could turn when I said “I do.” almost 14 years ago. Which is another reason why I just can’t do marriage again.

What do you do when the “enemy” is your own wife. This is a civil war where we cannot coincide in peace. The enemy seems hell bent on destruction. She started it, any attempts to negotiate have been thrown completely out of the window….was I supposed to just sit here and take her bullshit. Perhaps I handled it wrong initially. I really wanted to keep our family together at first. That part is on me, but hindsight is 20/20. Still though…. I had to do what I had to do not knowing what to do against an enemy who seems to have had no real objective and didn’t care about collateral damage. Things got messy.

That said. I think STBXW’s moral compass is completely busted and it’s hard to have someone like that close to you. You never know what they’ll do or are capable of doing. You can’t control it, it’s unpredictable, and all you can hope to do is distance yourself. Hard when you have to co-parent. They say that bad company corrupts good habits. I find myself out here doing things I never thought I would be doing….. in a technical sense. Yet here I am. I won’t apologize for that. I didn’t ask for this shit.

Perhaps if I were stronger…..but if I were, then I wouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s all a test. I failed…..but here I am…..all I can do is move on and hope that I learned my lesson. Meanwhile, between going through all of this, and looking at women like the aforementioned lady on Kendra G’s show, I am making ground in emotionally detaching from STBXW. This woman (though I chose her so it’s my responsibility to get out of this) made her choices. Me and kiddo payed a hefty price.

I lost my family, but given how she handled everything, this outcome was probably inevitable. I loved too hard and payed a severe price for it. Hopefully the lashes and emotional scars from this whipping will remind me to never do that again. I’m still standing. I am recovering. Slowly, painfully, but surely.

Damaged Goods?

I spend the weekend with my lover and she revealed that she is in love with me. Even though I have love for her. I really do love her, admire, and respect her, but I’m not in love with her like that. I didn’t tell her that, but the sentiment really is, I love you, but I’m not in love with you. As cliche as it sounds, it’s not her, it’s me. I don’t want to be in love with anyone.

At one time, I would have taken this as a sign to “go all in” for her. Most of my relationships in the past (minus STBXW) started off like this. We started off as friends with benefits/situationships and eventually we decided to get together. I have a thing where “I like who likes me”. Pretty much all of those relationships ended up bad with her cheating on me.

Experiencing this makes me hesitant to ‘change my mind.’ and give my all to her. STBXW was the exception as I pursued her a lot more than I usually do. I think she was the only woman I was completely “head over heels” in love with. I regret it to this day. Even though the previous situations “blew up” in my face, I wasn’t devestatingly heartbroken over them. Granted, I never married nor had children with any of them….but even in the case of one of them, I thought we had a child (turns out it wasn’t mine)….I still didn’t “LOVE HER LOVE HER” like that.

From a purely superficial aspect….my lover is almost perfect. I believe that if STBXW had met a guy who was as ‘accomplished’ as my lover, she wouldn’t hesitate to accept a marriage proposal. She makes a LOT of money … significantly more than me than STBXW combined and is in line to make more than that. She is well traveled. Is currently enrolled in a program to get a second masters from a top university. She has connections with upper middle class/lower upper class people. She isn’t exactly an instagram 10, but she’s very fair in the looks department and I certainly don’t mind having her on my arm when we’re out in public.

She tells me that money “is her thing” and as long as I’m not bumming off of her, she doesn’t mind that I make less or if I ever do catch up to her financially. The sex is amazing. And she seems to really be ‘in love’ with me. She’s open and transparent about herself in many regards. She comes from a humble background, a former maid/housekeeper, so she REALLY knows things like how to clean and so forth. She likes to spend money, but on the flip side, she isn’t into designer clothes or taking trips as a means of “flexing” her so called wealth. It seems that she is more balanced insofar as not being caught up in the current movement among a lot of black women where “power couple” and “black excellence” are buzzwords that turn them on.

She isn’t perfect though. She can get a little emotional and I believe that giving her ‘power’ over me could result in a lot of fights in the future. Never being married, I think that she doesn’t understand that there will be times when it’s not fun nor easy. I can see a mean streak in her. Although mostly sweet and chill, she can be a bit bossy or demanding at times. It’s easier for me to maintain ‘frame’ by my ability to walk away at any time. She also said a few things to me in the past that causes me to question her sincerity. I think she’s in ‘lust’ with my physical appearance more than my actual mind.

It also seems that the projects a lot of things onto me that aren’t quite accurate. I think that she believes that I have this “edge” about myself that’s not really there. Sure, I practice jujistsu and I think I’m a naturally gifted boxer. I know enough to know that I can use improvement, but I just kind of get it….so I do pretty good in it. But I’m not a badass or a tough guy. Things may have happened where I stood up for myself or ‘alpha’ ed up on some of her friends, but I wasn’t trying to pick a fight.

Either way, I don’t know if WE have what it takes be in a marriage. I could see how things could deteriorate quickly in a marriage where neither of us are happy. I think that we’re better off as friends or lovers. I think she’s more attracted to me physically than mentally. I also believe that women can ‘fall in love’ based on attraction, from there they project their ideal man onto you. Your flaws and stuff doesn’t matter much during that time. When “in love” they kind of lose themselves as the emotions overwhelm them. Add that to good sex (made even better because of their emotional state)… have a recipe for disaster long term. Honeymoon phase love rarely lasts forever and I think we were able to last this long because we don’t see each other ALL THE TIME. Once the rose colored glasses fall off then she wakes up one day and aren’t just feeling you anymore.

I believe this is what happened to STBXW. I truly believe that she was “in love” with me at one time. But once the butterflies were gone, and the newness wore off, there was no substance or real love. In a way it seems that she “punished” me (and IDGAF what u tell me) and enjoyed it because she didn’t maintain that feeling for me. She’d never admit it, but this level of self reflection would be something that if she told me that. I might consider her again. As of now, I think she is truly ignorant of her own self motives and that makes her dangerous. It seems that she can’t study herself in an attempt to understand herself. She has to tell herself that she’s a ‘good person’ and it’s so weird to me how she can do such wicked things, but it’s like she can’t see it. How could she ever ‘self improve’ if she’s never honest with herself. It seems that she lacks self reflection. It’s like she’s looking at a distorted version of herself in the mirror. It doesn’t help that noone seems to hold her accountable. But i digress.

As far as I can tell through my snooping, she’s fallen in love twice since her estrangement. TBH, neither of these guys were really better off than me financially. I can’t really say if the sex was better or not….it’s possible due to her ’emotional’ state about them….so subjectively, perhaps…..objectively, I don’t know. I’ve never felt that my sex game was bad though. Quite a few women told me I was good, but now, i think they probably tell all guys that they have the “biggest dick” in the universe. They have a way of flattering us to make us feel that we’re really rocking their world.

Either way, maybe I’m overthinking this. I told my lover of my concerns about being in a relationship and she tells me that it’s not fair to compare her to people in my past. Maybe she’s right. She thinks I’m being insecure. Perhaps I am. I wouldn’t call it insecurity though. I wouldn’t voluntarily go out and fight a heavyweight boxer because I know my limitations. Some could argue that that’s insecurity. I just believe that she’s ignorant of the reality and is just overwhelmed by the ‘love’ chemicals right now. Perhaps I’d take a chance on her if kiddo wasn’t my primary responsibility. But I can’t ask her to unpend her life for us.

Plus, I think I am a bit damaged from STBXW. Loving someone just isn’t enough it seems to risk everything for. Based on my experience with STBXW, I don’t want to be “in love” with anyone else either. I’ve never been much on emotions, yet she hurt me way deeper than I could have ever imagined. I fear falling for anyone that deeply again, and so I really can’t see myself wanting to marry anyone again. Unless it were for kids. But even then, in today’s climate……a lot of women it seems believes that people shouldn’t stay married for the kids. They believe that their happiness is their primary goal….and if you cannot continue to provide her with that happiness (the ‘in love chemicals’) then she feels justified in breaking up the home in search of that ‘happiness’. Or she checks out. Or she cheats which creates a cycle of toxicity.

I don’t think that I’m damaged for thinking like this. I think that I just have a more logical and practical view of things. I’m not even sure if I could ‘fall in love’ again…..or be overwhelmed by those emotions. I actually do fear it. But even IF the ‘perfect’ ideal woman fell out of the sky and landed in my lap, I don’t think that I would allow myself to get overwhelmed by those feelings. I hope not anyway.

Perhaps cheating isn’t the worst thing a woman can do to you. As beta as it sounds. Maybe turning a blind eye to it for the sake of the family (while “respectfully” getting yours on the side) is the way of the day. But women cannot cheat without it becoming emotional and given their irrational, illogical, and unstable type of ‘love’ you can never know what the hell they’d do. Plus you never know what kind of asshole they’d fall for. Nah fuck that. Maybe I just don’t respect the way women do things. Many seem to have no honor and just run on feelings. This gives the ability to justify anything (including poor treatment) of you if that “in love” feeling goes away.

I don’t know if I’m really just damaged goods… I just overthinking it….or do I really see things more clearly now.