What I know. Speculation aside. Based on what she tells me. She’s unhappy. She wants more. A large house. Wants to travel more. Doesn’t want to have sex (with me anyway). Long term friendship with some people are more important than our relationship. Unwilling to cut off that friendship despite me feeling disrespected by it. She understands why I feel disrespected, but thinks I shouldn’t worry about it because she believes that their relationship has nothing to do with us.
Because we haven’t officially decided to “work on things”, then it’s ok for her to do “her” insofar as entertaining or talking to other guys when the opportunity arises. Also believes that cell phone secrecy should still be maintained because of that reason. She isn’t sure if she wants to stay married. Believes that I know how much she makes or her financial situation. Some of her actions are unfair/she wouldn’t want someone to put her/someone she loves through it. She thinks I don’t deserve that either.
She loves our son and doesn’t want to hurt him through divorce. She says that she loves me. (necessary assumption is that love, but “not in love.”). Believes that I am bitter against women. Thinks that the redpill/mgtow consumption helps fuel my view of women.
Says that she is sorry for hurting me and wish she hadn’t ‘involved’ me in her affair to the extent that I was. She is open to an open relationship. Never said she was a “good” person. Doesn’t believe that people who aren’t happy together should stay together.
I’ve addressed some of these things:
1)why are you so unhappy? no real answer/she doesn’t know.
2)is traveling and a big home deal breakers? no real answer. I let her know that I’m ok with traveling, just plan better. big house is possible, but we should plan better for it as I don’t want to be “house poor.”
3)no sex is a deal breaker for me. I didn’t sign up for celibacy. but I don’t want pity/obligation sex either. I don’t really like having to sneak around. It shows selfishness to expect monogamy when you’re intentionally not sexually satisfying your spouse. It’s hurtful to be constantly rejected over and over again.
4)Spouse is supposed to come before friends. Especially if you and the friend violated our marriage boundaries (ie cheated together) during the marriage. This is a respect and boundary issue. There have been repeated offenses from emotional through physical cheating with them throughout our marriage. I don’t feel comfortable with that friendship and if there is insecurity, it is based upon finding out the repeated violation of boundaries.
5)Being on the ‘fence’ doesn’t offer me the security of believing she won’t step out again. It’s not fair for me to have to endure the pain /suffering/humiliation of the type of affair(s) she’s had while I sit here and wait to decide if she wants to work it out. It tells me that my feelings aren’t that important to her. And she’s not dedicated to making it work. Be all in or out.
6)why continue doing hurtful things if you wouldn’t want someone else to put you through it? answer: I’m not doing anything now…… (but why is the cell a secret), EVEN IF she isn’t doing anything….wouldn’t transparency (at least for a limited period of time be more beneficial than secrecy)…..goes back to “I’m not sure if I want to stay married and we haven’t decided to work on things.”
7) Her financial situation. She believes that 50/50 was the standard and it should be maintained. However based on that standard, we cannot afford the house she wants and I have no clue what we can afford. Especially given the lack of planning….which is also suffering because we don’t know if we’re going to stay together or not.
8)We both agree that we don’t want to hurt our son through divorce. However I maintain that without at least working on it, we’re both going to say miserable. I can’t just outright trust her given the broken trust. The phone secrecy is a deal breaker for me. Plus I caught her entertaining other men (at least texting with plans of hooking up later since the affair.)
9)I am bitter. Maybe not against all females, but I’m definitely more skeptical. The females that redpill/mgtow literature describes are females who’s actions are like hers. I’m thinking that she thinks she’ll change if the “right man” comes along. Maybe. But I can’t be concerned even though I am leaning towards it being a personality/morality issue. Things may be ok during her next honeymoon phase, but how will she react once it’s over? In reality, it doesn’t matter. Hopefully, she’ll be a long lost memory when it gets to that point. I really can’t see us getting back together if we ever split.
10) How in the hell would I not be caught up in the affair when you were cheating on me? Betraying me for his sexual gratification is a HUGE red flag IMHO. It’s one thing to cheat, but another to humiliate/cuck a faithful spouse/friend for a relative stranger’s sexual gratification. This may be the thing that really forces me over the edge as far as leaving. If she can stoop that LOW….what wouldn’t she do?
11) You call this love? Hmm….she treats people she likes with more respect. Perhaps it may be due to their proximity, but still. That type of love doesn’t really benefit me if I’m honest.
12) I didn’t sign up for an open relationship. Plus it seems men are much thirstier than women when it comes to casual sex. Plus, I’m not sleeping in the same house and putting up with her bullshit while they get the nice parts/sexy parts about her. Why have the cow if everyone else is enjoying the milk? I don’t want to sleep around with several people at once. One is good enough for me and maintaining that type of relationship would be tricky. I got lucky/blessed with my lover, but who knows how difficult it would be to find someone who understands and believes me. It’s feels like an attack on my manhood if I’m taking care of the house while she’s out there dating. Especially if I condone it. Screw that.
13) Maybe people who aren’t happy should stay together, but at the same time, her toxic actions aren’t helping us get any happier. I think we owe it to our family/son to try to salvage our home, even if it means sacrificing the “bullshit” for a little while to see if it can work. I’m not exactly happy to see you / be around you if you’re doing things that disrespect our marriage boundaries. Even IF she isn’t doing anything as she claims, the appearance of it is still hurtful towards possible reconciliation.
The bottom line is that ultimately, it’s going to have to be on me to leave. She knows that I love my family and I’d suspect that subconsciously, she knows what she needs to do in order to fix things. I’m thinking that she believes she has a trump card and will play it if she actually sees me moving on. Despite all she has done/ is doing, she knows that she holds the power.
Maybe she realizes that it’s not really because of/for her, that it’s for our son’s sake. But it doesn’t matter. As of now, I have proven that I’m not willing/capable of walking away from her bullshit so she holds the power.
I have to let go of the idea that we can save this family. I have to be willing to put our son through divorce in order to maintain my sense of self dignity and respect. I have to truly let it go to the point of even if she tries to play that “I get it now card.” It’s too late.
She has the power and isn’t playing fairly. Sucks that I have to hurt the person who means the most to me, but in the end, I guess that I have to love myself enough, even to the point I have to hurt/disappoint him and let it all go.