Relationships Suck

It’s funny how everyone wants a significant relationship where there is no cheating, honesty, and the person to have their back. On the other hand, everyone seems to be cheating, lying, and on some petty stuff. It really makes you not want to fall in love. Yet and it seems like something is missing without that someone in your life.

I’ve been following a few popular instagram influencers (kas facts, changing lanes, bitchproblems) and they are constantly posting memes about side dude this, side chick that and it makes me wonder if there are any faithful people left. It’s as if we live in a society where cheating and dysfunction is the norm.

Given the toxic situation with my wife and affair as a result, I should be the last one to point fingers. It’s odd, but even though I haven’t defined the terms of relationship with my partner, I still feel the need to be faithful (fidelity wise) to her. I know this is dangerous and probably a bit toxic to her as she has no way of knowing if I’m actually sleeping with my wife other than my word. This also leads me to believe that she could possibly lie to me about her extra curricular activities. Obviously I’d prefer for her to be honest, I’d understand why she might not feel the need to be transparent or either seize any opportunity to find a normal relationship.

Society’s attitude about marriage renders the whole point of it moot. From a practical standpoint, there is no reason to get emotionally involved with anyone, let alone get married. People are all about their personal happiness and it increasingly seems that it’s acceptable to break up families and homes simply because one person has a general sense of unhappiness.

In addition, it seems that a lot of men out there don’t respect other men’s marriages. They don’t mind getting sex from a married woman if she puts herself out there like that.

I started watching videos of men who were dating married women on YouTube yesterday and I was disgusted. Some of these men fell in love and were heartbroken over the fact that she ended up choosing her husband and families over them.

I had no sympathy for them at all. I have no sympathy for people who interfere with marriages, especially when kids are involved. They are the worst, allowing their thirst, lust, and feelings to potentially emotionally damage and destroy a child’s home.

One guy sat and claimed that he didn’t deserve the heartbreak because he felt like he was a “good person”.

Dude, you were willing to break up another man’s family just for sexual attention. You intentionally made plans and went along with violating another man’s wife….(even if she was complicit)….potentially destroying his home, psychologically damaging his kids, and decimating his finances.

The thing is that what if she did the exact same thing to you? Would you want to be the husband in that situation? What if you marry her, she gives you kids, them a home, and she does the exact same thing to you?  As much as you “love” her, how do you think the husband feels.   In my opinion you deserved it plus much worse.

In fact, I hope it works out for you and her and she does the exact same thing to you.  Or I hope that you find some other chick who does the exact same thing to you and justify it with, “she’s unhappy.”   I really hate men like that.   To violate a man’s family, children, and finances is about as scummy and grimy as it gets.

Many people say that you shouldn’t take your anger out on the affair partner, but the unfaithful partner instead.  I say the anger should be directed towards both.   If my wife is negligent and leaves the door to the house unlocked and a thief breaks in, I’m not just going to be angry at the wife, I’m also angry at the thief.

It seems that people these days are stupid and narcs beyond belief.   It’s all about them.   Having a good/decent heart and proclivity to honesty is a weakness.   People have no qualms with taking your good faith in them and using it against you.    The thing is, they all put up a good show and act as if they are so good.   Or they act hypocritically and bitch and moan when they know they’re dead wrong.

Perhaps I’m bitter and cynical after what happened.   But i’m really not feeling this relationship thing even though deep down I want to find a decent person (moral wise) to deal with on a real level.   The assholes don’t realize how damaging it is to hurt someone’s heart….as if it’s some trivial thing.   Their advice is just suck it up and move on while the other person gets away scott free it seems.

I hate my wife sometimes.   Not dislike, but actually hate her for what she did/ is doing to me and our family.   I hate that I hate her.   But it’s so personal.   She seems so oblivious.   As if it’s a game.   She relishes in the power of being able to fully destroy someone.   And she still thinks she is a good woman who deserves some guy to come in and make her happy.   There is a pretty good chance that she’ll eventually get it and has no problem with how she goes about getting it.  She’ll probably never fully comprehend or grasp the amount of pain she put me through and will probably remain ignorant of truly how much abuse she inflicted on me.

Sure, I may be a hypocrite for going out and doing “me” so to speak instead of ending it.    This isn’t easy nor is the path straightforward.   It’s easy to say to just divorce her and move, but divorce isn’t easy, add to the fact that we have a little one, add to the fact that I probably am emotionally traumatized and feel forced to make a huge decision that will likely hurt the kid.

I know I sound like a damn victim here, but I’ll say that there is an element of victim shaming at play from people not in the situation.    It’s like if one boxer cheated and kept getting away with hitting his opponent with low blows.   The ref and and crowd then tells the violated boxer that he must continue and criticizes him for complaining or not being able to perform at his best ability.  So called “alpha” men would say that I deserve this because, we as the man are always to blame.  I didin’t handle her correctly or I was too blue pilled.   Dunno, maybe?

I’m just tired man.   I know people in history and in the world have gone through/are going through much worse.   Add that to the fact that I do have my health, a stable career, family and friends who are also healthy (overall), and potential for a better future, I should focus on being grateful for the things that I do have going for me.  I’m living in a time where technology affords me all sorts of luxuries that previous generations could only dream of.    We don’t live under threat of imminent war in my area and food and opportunities seem quite abundant for now.

As bad as my marriage and relationships in general seem these days,  I suppose that things could be much worse and in fact overall, life is much better than I could have ever hoped for.    Perhaps the key is redirecting my attention towards the things I’m grateful for instead of focusing on the few problems.

 

 

 

Her name is Lust

Tumblr officially banned porn about a year ago.  It was really my main source of looking at it, so it really wasn’t too hard to give it up.   Today, I stumbled across a few porn threads somehow and after a few minutes down the rabbit hole so to speak,  I realize that porn is evil.

My physiciological reaction to seeing a woman’s naked body is insane right now.   It might be due to the fact that I’ve been practicing semen retention.   Basically, no masturbation.   Since my lover is out of town, that means no sex at all, even on the weekend.

I could practically feel the dopamine surge through my brain as I saw these ass naked women spread.   It reminds me of why we men simp so hard for women and do the most for them.    There truly is power in the pussy.

For me, that’s enough porn.  I’m good.   I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my body.   Unbridled lust is a reminder of how weak we as men are.   I see why men in the middle east are prefer to keep women as clothed as possible.

Yoga pants, sun dresses, tight jeans, halter tops, bikini’s and all of that definitely makes me feel a certain way.    Especially on a beautiful woman.   Yet in my recovery from being totally crushed by one, I have a weird sensation of lust with an impending feeling of danger.   The fast heartbeat isn’t just pleasure, it’s also like a sense of danger.   As in keep my desire in check because THAT can kill you if you dwell too long in that place.

I also saw a short video with the rapper Cardi B explaining how to do fellatio.  In it, she talks about how she deep throats a guy.  As she explained, there were cutouts to different men giving bug eyes and double takes indicating that they were somewhat mesmerized.

At one time, I would have been on the bandwagon, giving the same type of response…..but this time, all I saw were a bunch of simps who give thots way too much attention.   It’s really not that serious and even if it is, why is it that we as men are taught to check our emotions, except when it comes to women overtly expressing their sexuality.

We’re taught to be fools when it comes to sex.    And as fools, we are under the spell of pussy.   Yes it feels great.  It’s feels amazing.  Yet to have it at the focus of our goal is the downfall of many a men.   Society seems to want to bash you for not giving a damn….or saying that it really isn’t that serious.    Let them eat cake.    Meanwhile I have to reprogram myself … at least temper myself to overcome my lust and desire.

Food is great, yet we don’t go about acting all stupid when we see a hamburger or something.   It’s somehow ingrained into our social dynamics that it’s ok to be a damn fool over a fat ass and cute face.   I’m judging myself on this one as well, but to know better is to be better.    At least in practice.

I’ve learned that in life, it is an abomination against the MOST HIGH for a man to actually fall in love with a woman.   Sure, we can love with our minds, but never with our hearts.  We are to save that for God or either our purpose.

Fall in love with your purpose…..I like that.

I’m thinking that one of the keys to take your eyes off the MOST HIGH or HIS purpose for you is lust.    The love of the pussy is the downfall of many a great man.  These beautiful women and the biological rush they give you can serve as a trap if you’re not on the right track.

Without having a purpose, she can easily become your purpose and that was my downfall with my wife.   I’d guess that of many of the shiftless/simple men here in America also fall victim to this.    Sex is all around us and no one warns us about the impending doom that’s inevitable should we focus on it.

Maybe this is why I my mind is warning me of danger when I see that bad ass ig model twerking.   It’s a reminder to not get caught up in the song of the sirens lest I lose my way, crash my ship, and end my life.   Hmm?   There’s seems to be more to that greek story after all.

 

 

 

 

Back at it like a crack addict

So on the way out to work this morning, I saw her phone ring and an unfamiliar name popped up on the screen.    It was spelled similarly to one of her female friend’s names, but she never calls that early.  I have seen her name pop up before, so I know that she intentionally spelled it a little different as to hide the person’s true identity.    I should have answered it, but for some reason, I didn’t think of doing it at the time.    I confronted her and asked her to call the number back.   She looked at it and said, “oh, she probably called by accident since she never calls this early.”

“Yeah right, I said.”

“Stop accusing me of stuff.   You’re wrong just like you were yesterday when I had our son’s phone.”

Even though I felt like she might have been right yesterday’s incident.   I said, “this is what I’m talking about.”   “This is gaslighting.”  “This is lying.”   “Just call her back and I won’t mention anything else.”

“No.” she replied and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I was mad, but not fuming.   In fact, I’m not really surprised.    To be honest, I know she’s a cheater and liar.   After a few moments:

“He can have you….”  I said calmly.    “I wish it could wait until we didn’t live together since it feels disrespectful….”  “But to be honest, I don’t want to deal with a liar and cheating assed woman.”  ….”Dunno where you find these guys who are ok with dealing with a married woman….unless you’re lying to him too…. but either way, I can’t really can’t be surprised.”

I’m glad for things like this to remind me that it would be a terrible idea to cosign with a house with her.   It would be disastrous to move back in with her again and be powerless to do anything about her cheating.    It’s hard enough adulting between working so many hours, maintaining the house, taking care of the kid, trying to find some free time to work out, and still trying to figure out where to go from here.   I don’t need a wife who doesn’t mind cheating on me.    The scriptures speak of women like that.

The double mindedness of wanting to save the family at the expense of my own mental/ emotional health is enough to drive someone mad.     I don’t think that women understand that men have emotions too.   Yeah, we are to man up.   But it is difficult to hurt a child who you love.   Sure, she may love kiddo too, but coming from a single parent home, I don’t think she can empathize with him as much.   This gives her a huge advantage.

As it stands, I’m still in the position of not loving her and realizing that our situation may be different than that of my “Old G’s” daughter and son in law situation.   If anything, it makes me realize that I need to go extra hard in making plans for our separation at the end of the lease.

I look forward to that day.  Perhaps I should be looking into primary custody as her work hours will make it difficult to grant me the separation/space to forgive her.  I wouldn’t be surprised (probably still angry nonetheless) if she was already in a new relationship right before or soon after we separate.   It is what it is.    I need to be prepared for that.

Given the simpish nature of men, her looks, and outwardly calm demeanor, I’m pretty sure that a decently intense honeymoon phase will have him missing this critical aspect about her.   If she acts acts similarly towards him, the way she acted towards me in the beginning, she can fool him with her true nature and probably get away with it.     Talk about life being unfair.    But this is where I have to man up and realize that I might not ever get to feel justice in being put in such a traumatic experience.

I realize that we’re not right for each other.    We don’t have anything in common outside of our kid.   Perhaps someone else would be a better fit for her.   Still though, it sucks that someone can get to hurt you and your kid so badly and get away with it.    There is no a law against crimes against the heart.

In truth, I’m no longer trying to build us up anymore.  I’ve stopped a while ago.  I’m trying to maintain this sinking ship, at least until we can make it to port.   She keeps putting holes in it.   I can maintain until then.

 

 

 

Reconnecting after an affair

Throughout the process of going through this period of uncertainty, I let of my coworkers (an older gentleman) know what was going on.  He’s about the same age as my dad and i sort of see him as a elder/mentor of sorts.    I appreciate his insights into life.   He told me that his son in law / daughter was going through the same thing.   His daughter being the cheater in that case.

The son in law’s wife had cheated and was planning on leaving him for another man.   It was another case of where she played the “i’m not happy” card when in truth, she had allowed herself to become smitten with a former fling on facebook.    She cheated on him and from the stories i’ve heard she pretty much disrespected him by going on trips and overnight visits with the guy.   They tried talking to her as concerned parents, but she just dismissed them and continued doing what she was doing.     The son in law and wife were married and has 2 elementary /middle school aged sons.    From my co -workers account, he was blindsided and heartbroken…..just like me.

At the conclusion of the story, it came to found that her affair partner, while still married and in addition to her, also had another girl on the side.   My coworker recently told me that the son in law and his daughter decided to try and work things out.  Things really seem to be going well and they’ve taken quite a few trips and cruises in the past year or so together.

Wow.    Now I don’t know if you call that simping or love.

I really don’t know if i still have the capacity to go after my wife after all of what she did.   Right now, it seems that I could probably go the simping route and plan trips, plan vacations, and do whatever as she’s not as clingy with her phone as of late.  I would assume that her plans with the new guy didn’t fall through.   And as I told her, once her “best friend” got a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be as available as he once was.

She also seems (for now anyway) to be more open about how she feels and more communicative.   At least more so than the past few years.

It has me wondering though….   I know I don’t really love her anymore.   But what am I really willing to do to save my family?   Right now, I want freedom.   It sounds selfish, but I’ve suffered so long and am finally getting to a place within myself that I’m willing to have the conversation and risk hurting the kids.

I really don’t want a serious relationship and I really need to work on myself as a person.  I recognize that I’ve been damaged and probably wouldn’t be any good in a relationship right now.   In fact I don’t believe in them nor real romantic love for that matter.

I’m still accusing her of doing things….like for example, I woke up at at 4:30 am and I see her out of bed texting or doing something her phone.    I tried not to say anything, but was triggered because she used to text/talk to her former AP early before I woke up.

“BUSTED….AGAIN” I said sarcastically to which she replied “WTF are you talking about?”.     Used to being gaslight, I simply replied with “I’m NOT doing this with you.  I’m not stupid.   I’m going back to sleep, keep lying to yourself.”

Thinking it was over,  she replied quite annoyed,

“this is our son’s phone you dickhead, the alarm went off and I went to shut it off.”  and then she throws it over at me…

I shrug my  shoulders “oh my bad”.  and I tried going back to sleep, sort of wondering if she was really telling the truth or not.   Maybe I over reacted.  Maybe I should apologize.  “Will it make me look weak if I do?”….”sorry I mumbled and went back to sleep.”

It also seems like I have to force the conversation with her.   As in, force myself to have a casual conversation with her.   I feel so nervous and insecure around her.  I can’t even really look at her in the face when I’m around.    Like, she saps my confidence or something.   Maybe that says a lot about me as a man, but for some reason, it’s like i can’t think clearly or something around her anymore.   She brings out insecurity or shyness or something that I haven’t felt since i was a kid.

I don’t fear her, I just don’t like her or something. It’s subconscious.  It feels weird to laugh.    I don’t want to laugh with her.  I don’t want be friendly…..just cordial and maybe it’s because I don’t like being fake around people I don’t really feel like that.   She doesn’t have an awful personality or anything, I just don’t like acting like we’re cool and we’re not.

I’ve stated a million times that if it wasn’t for my son, I wouldn’t be there, but maybe I have to accept the fact that since I am, I have to stop allowing her presence to stress me the fuck out.    So weird, but I can actually feel tension and anxiety in my stomach and chest when we’re either on the phone or face to face and my mind goes to shit.  …and she still expects me to carry the weight of the conversation….  Maybe I haven’t forgiven her after all.   One thing for sure, I don’t know how my friend’s son in law did it.

It makes me wonder if I really truly loved her to begin with, is there something wrong with me, or maybe he processed his betrayal differently.    TBH, when we split, I really can’t see us ever going back to try it again.

 

 

 

 

Marriage isn’t about Happiness

Around the time and right after my marriage fell apart, I was an emotional wreck.  I’m not the type who keeps things bottled in and I’d often find myself telling strangers about my issues.   Keep in mind, I felt that these people were actually safer to talk to than people I know as I’d never see them again.   One thing exclusive to women was that they often said that I deserved happiness.

I just read an article titled, “Why do women cheat.” and the primary reason one gave was that she was unhappy, even though she had a stable marriage.   She felt justified.    Another article I read was titled “Why I want to divorce my good husband.”   In it, many women in the comments section were feeling that they were in decent marriages, but were unhappy and felt that they should either divorce or were using it as justification to have affairs.     My wife even told me that she was “unhappy” so she felt it was ok to cheat.

This has led me to a crossroads of wondering if all women are like this or only some.   Now if you asked these women on their wedding days, if they thought that affairs or divorce was an option, given their husbands treated them well and didn’t cheat, I’m pretty sure most would have said ‘NO’.

I find it so strange that some people know the right thing to do, yet they choose to do the wrong thing and are willing to lie, humiliate, and hurt a person who dedicated their life to them.   They’re willing to destroy and hurt the closest people around them in order to fulfill a sexual desire.   They break the golden rule that I’d think governs most normal people.  Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.  They seem normal, rational, and seem to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong.

I’m starting to wonder if these women were raised in a nuclear family home.   My wife wasn’t and so I don’t think that she values it as much as I do.   Before we got married, she said it was important to her, but I’m now I’m thinking that she doesn’t value it as she has no clue how hurtful divorce is on the kid.   She wasn’t raised in one, so maybe she is underestimating the toll it can take.   Her parents were never married.   Perhaps if they were, she would have experienced first hand how painful it was and tried harder to make things work.  Perhaps she would have valued me and our relationship and home.

As it stands, perhaps her frame to gauge her success in life is how happy she is.   Others are secondary.   Some women actually think that if they’re happy, everyone else around them should also be happy.   Many use it as an excuse for affairs or breaking up a family.   In my opinion, while happiness is preferable over unhappiness, raising our kids in a stable home is more important.   As long as there is stability and structure, we can seek happiness within the relationship.

There are deal breakers of course, but my optimal happiness isn’t one of them when it comes to the family (at least for me).   I just hate the idea that a home can just be broken, one can hurt or disrespect their SO, and let so many people down because they’re not as happy as could “possibly”(and that’s questionable) be.   True love often requires some sacrifice and it raises the question of whether they ever really truly loved their family unit or not.

I don’t know if I ever want to love that deeply again.  It’s too hurtful.   They say that men never recover from being broken that deeply.  I understand it.  While I won’t go so far as to say that I’ll never love again.  I will say that I’ll never love that deeply again.   It’s sort of sad because if there is a woman out there for me, I don’t know if I could love her in the same way.   Sure I’ll do my best to treat her as right as I know how, but in the back of my mind, I’ll always remember that completely giving her my heart, isn’t on the table.    That innocent part and naive part of love has been broken.    Unfortunately by someone who didn’t deserve it.    Perhaps we’re all broken in a way, but should I find someone worth taking a chance over…..what am I saying?…..AWALT.

 

 

Tired of Hoes

My facebook and Instagram timelines are littered with half naked women shaking their assets for the world to see.   Websites that I frequent such as worldstarhiphop and flyheight very often have videos of scantily clad women gyrating.    My friends send pics and memes to me of naked/half naked women stripping or doing something or another.   And these dudes lose their minds over them.

Women are out here swallowing cucumbers whole to prove they don’t have a gag reflex.   Sucking bananas, wearing tiny shirts that expose their breasts, and doing whatever to grab attention.   And these dudes be out here losing their minds…..encouraging this behavior.

We’re out here bragging about sleeping with other men’s wives and girlfriends.  Pointing to women in yoga pants in public places.    How many women we sleep with.   Slapping high fives with each other and encouraging being a man whore.   We encourage men spending money at strippers and week after week, the lines ate packed, full of thirsty men lining up to simply see women (who they probably aren’t going to have sex with) pay them money just to see them strip.    How stupid is that given that internet porn is free!!!

There are even apps with thirsty men paying women to see them strip down or twerk for cash app donations.   True story:  I once created a fake profile on the dating app plenty of fish with 1 picture of a good looking woman.   On the description, I simply put “I’m all about that bag.”

I literally had to turn the notifications off that morning.   By noon, I had over 60 dudes hit it up.    That night there were 99+.     (it stops counting after 99).    1 pic and the most shallow description ever and you would have thought her juice box had the cure to death in it.

Yet we sit here and complain about how ‘women ain’t shit’.    Is it any wonder why?   I’m starting to get disgusted.    We’re so freaking thirsty that it’s starting to annoy me.   I’m not even mad at the women, but at us for encouraging this thotlike behavior.    It’s hypocritical as fuck to act stupid on one hand when they do it and yet encourage it on the other.

My cousin was on an app where he payed these coins (in app purchase coins)to women he thought were cute, they couldn’t even strip, all they had to do was twerk a little and pose.   The coins could be converted to real money.

The thirst is really real out here.

I’ve come to the conclusion that women ain’t ish because we don’t control our lust.  We have somehow ingrained into our collective consciousness that pussy is worth losing self respect over.   We put it on a pedestal to our own detriment.

I was trying to explain to my cousin how I couldn’t do it, but he looked at me like he understood what I was saying, but he just didn’t get it.   Similar as to how I understood what he was doing, but I just don’t get it.

It’s not like he stood a chance with ever hooking up with these women.   It isn’t like his ‘donation’ was going to sway her to come out and have sex with him.    This is beyond ‘tricking’ (paying women for sex) which I stand against in principle, but, I do actually get it.    Yet most of these dudes will also tell you that they are some kind of pimp.   If this aint the most anti pimping thing I ever heard, I don’t know what is.

As long as dudes are out here willing to say, do, spend anything just to validate women to possibly get sex….and women either believe them while getting the validation they need for their ego’s then there is no point in complaining about them.   There is no point in getting upset when the only reason they can cheat is because men help them/ even encourage them to do so.

I’m the last thing from a feminist, but the unbridled lust that we have has led to the downfall of women in the west.   Thot culture is winning because ultimately, we fund and encourage it.

It’s really getting to the point where physically beautiful women aren’t that beautiful to me anymore.  In my mind, I’ve associated it with whoredom.   What I look for is a connection.  I know first hand what it’s like to be connected emotionally to an emotionally devoid beautiful woman.

Perhaps on a subconscious level, they remind me of how vulnerable they can make me.   Beautiful women are dangerous man.  Having barely survived that flame, this moth can tell you that they will burn you to death.    They can be like the black widow spider that devours her male courtier.  And many men are easy prey.

Maybe my problem is that I truly want love.   Not just meaningless hookups.   I mean I’ll take that if she makes it easy, but as far as being a shameless fool for it, I won’t waste too much time, emotions, nor energy.

Perhaps that’s the simp in me.   Still though.   This is why narcs are winning.  They don’t care.    Simps keep her validated.   And here I am stuck in the middle of the two trying to figure out how to steer clear of the bullshit.