This has been quite an ordeal. I am over it, but I’m like over it over it. The more I speak to STBXW, the more I wonder what the fuck I ever saw in her in the first place. She is a totally different person now. I don’t see anything special about her. Her mentality is that of so many modern women who I strongly dislike in so far as wanting a relationship with.
I don’t hate nor do I pity her. She is just who she is. I used to be afraid that she’d find someone and be ‘happy’ with him. But now, I really don’t care. If someone does actually like a woman like that, then he’s actually better for her than I’ll ever be. Maybe she was right, maybe we grew apart. The current incarnation of herself is unattractive as a person (to me) on the inside. She’s loud, hypocritical, annoying, materialistic, shallow, and as of late, it appears that she’s getting ‘old’. At least in the sense that she’s out of shape and constantly complaining about some body ache or another. She lacks that…..whatever it is that makes me want to be with someone as a significant other.
I’d go so far as to say that she’s common issue “for the streets” material. Maybe she isn’t a ho ho. As in sleeping with every tom dick and harry with a little money. But her mentality is far from that of what I’d consider a good wife….let alone real friend. Perhaps her waywardness shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise. Then again, I am seeing her through these red pill lenses now. I wish I had worn them sooner. I am in a space where I can say that I am thankful that she gave me kiddo. But outside of that, I really am not interested in anything outside of a co-parenting relationship her.
I could have almost dealt with the selfishness, materialism, entitlement, and self delusion….and probably would have settled for it for the sake of kiddo had she not been constantly unfaithful, untrustworthy, and unrepentant. Despite all of this pain, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise as she’s given me justification to actually divorce her. I’m pretty sure there is no coming back at this point.
It’s been over a year, probably two, since I last slept with her and I really can’t imagine doing it anymore. My recollection of the last few times we did it doesn’t make me desire to do so anymore. In a way, it’s quite ironic that she was quite stingy with the sex, but it wasn’t like it was good (to me) anyway. She’s never been a great kisser and the passion looking back was just ‘meh’.
I think I can say that I’m not in love with her anymore….and I’m glad that my heart finally got the memo. Despite all of that, I do have some level of love for her as she is the mother of my son. But I do need to move on and proceed with divorce.
She’s making it more difficult…once again, due her her selfishness. She mentioned re-signing her travel contract for another year which would make a noncontested divorce very difficult since she doesn’t have a ‘permanent’ residence. Her travel assignment is in New York while currently live near Atlanta. It is required that we have a parenting plan in place and we must be on the same page about custody. How can we split custody if she lives so far away. Does it really make sense for kiddo to spend half the year in NY and the other in GA as he does have to go to school somewhere? He’s at an age now where I think that he can recover from this. Besides, given the state of our estrangement in the last few years, I don’t think he’ll be blindsided by all of this anymore.
Of course, it’s all about the ‘money’ with her and I don’t know how I can convince her to take a pay cut…. at least for a little while, so that we can live closer together. But she only has two options at this point, either give me full custody or move back down where we can split custody. It’s only fair as most of his family is here, he was raised here, and there is no way I’m moving to New York for the first time as a grown assed middle aged man. I have no family nor friends up there. Plus I’ve spoken with quite a few people from New York. Most say that they moved here in order to give their kids a better way of life.
All that to say is that I’m feeling in a much better space now. It’s like recovering from an injured ankle and stepping on it for the first few times without feeling pain. I’m still a bit cautious…especially since I didn’t realize how hurt I still was a few months ago. But I am hopeful and thankful to finally be able to bask in the glow of the light near the end of the tunnel.