Weird Mind Games

Google is your friend  I’m usually able to get some sort of answer or ideas about things that happen in life.   I’m perplexed on this one.  My wife do these crazy things to me.   I think they are mind games used to dig at me, but I’m unsure.

I’ve never heard anyone else do this and I’m absolutely puzzled as to what her goal is or why she does it.   I’ve asked and she never gives a direct answer.   I’ll probably have to pin her down someday  because it drives me batshit crazy.

The first thing she used to do (during her affair) would be to answer my phone call and say absolutely nothing until I said hello.    It was as if she forgot how the telephone works or something.    I’ve never seen her do this to anyone else, but I can’t be sure.   Normally, when you call someone, they pick up the phone and say….hello, hold on, let me call you back….something to address the fact that they picked up.

Instead I’d call, she’d pick up and say….nothing.   One or two times could be coincidental.   At first, I’d just crack after a few seconds and say hello first.   But after several times of doing this, I started getting frustrated.   It felt disrespectful to me as I never saw her do this to anyone else.   Sometimes, we’d be sitting there for up to 30 seconds until I finally cracked and said “hello” first.   Once I did crack and say hello, she’d immediately respond and then the conversation would go as normal.

Dunno why, but I hated this shit.   She finally stopped after the affair ended.   Still though, weird shit.  I think the thing that bothered me the most was that I often wondered if that narcisstic bastard did this to her, she found it attractive or something, and she started doing it to me.   Either way, I just started hanging up when she did this, she’d call back and if I tried the same shit, she’d ask why I hung up on her.   Sometimes, she’d gaslight and say that she did say hello.  Yah alright, so why didn’t you ask again if you said it and  I didn’t respond back…..to me, it was a stupid and pointless conversation when we were already having problems.

Another phone game was to call me, then respond to my initial hello with a ‘hey’ followed by silence.   I mean why call someone when you have nothing to say to them. I mean at the end of the day, it’s rude in my opinion to expect the person you called to carry the conversation.   I get wanting just to talk to someone on the phone without really having anything important to say, but could you ask a damn question or at least say, I didn’t have anything to talk about, just wanted to hear from you.

This sort of manifests into the thing she does now with randomly saying “huh?”.   We could be just sitting around the house doing whatever thing and suddenly she hits me with “huh?”….as in repeat what you just said.   The thing is, I didn’t say anything.   This shit happens at least 3 times a day.   She won’t just say ‘huh?’ and leave it alone, she’ll keep saying it until I say something.    …   usually ‘huh?’ back or ‘I didn’t say anything.’   A few minutes later ‘huh?’.

I haven’t exactly been my old chipper self towards her in the past year or so.  Perhaps it’s due to still being salty about the affair, the subsequent disrespect of ‘best’ male friend, and now the disappearing acts.    I’m not really cool with her at all.   I mean we’re cordial as I no longer really question her.   But at the end of the day, between the mind games, lack of communication when I did attempt to talk to her about the relationship, consistently being turned down for sex, her insistency of secrecy with her phone, girl trips, and so forth, I’m really not interested in pretending like we’re cool.

I feel like she ruined our friendship with the betrayal.   She’s not really helping me make decisions as far as how we should proceed….and the last time i asked, she was still ‘unsure’ if she wanted to stay married.    But yet she wants to buy a house together.   Given that she thinks it’s ok to cheat because she’s unhappy, even if I don’t know, I don’t feel secure enough to want to take the lead on trying to work things out.

I’m also salty at the fact that I do so much around there.  Perhaps it’s the nice guy syndrome, but I’m at work at least 10 hours per day, then I have to come home, and do the domestic stuff, cook, clean, get kiddo ready for school, help with homework, walk the dog, etc….. to be fair, she works long hours too, but still, how many men actually work that many hours per day and still comes home to carry the largest load of the domestic work.   And on top of that work a part time job to bring in more money.

I know people don’t owe you shit for doing nice things….especially things that need to be done anyway.  But still, I feel that I deserve some appreciation.    Especially considering that I do manage to do all that and still find a way to hit the gym to look somewhat aesthetically appealing.   I don’t think it’s cocky for me to say that I do deserve better than this.

I’m just saying, i’d think that many women would love to come home after a long day at work, her man got off from work earlier, so he’s in the kitchen almost finished cooking, shirt off, gym body,  kid in the living room doing his homework, already bathed and ready for bed, and asking about her day when she walked in.   Shit, I’d very much appreciate that in a spouse, and if she was faithful and desired me sexually (it don’t get much better)….but maybe it goes back to men and women appreciating different things from each other.

My issue with the mind games is that it seems that she wants me to play dancing monkey, entertain and make her laugh all the time too despite the fact that she already shitted all over me and our marriage.  And as far as she knows, I haven’t had sex in over a year.

It’s like all a test to her.   I’ll admit that I’m speculating, but it seems that her criteria is that I need to make her happy and making her laugh and entertaining her is what she wants me to do.  I feel judged because I just don’t do it as much anymore, but tbh,  lately, especially after the affair, i don’t really feel it.

I’m not a comedian, but  I can joke and laugh with my lover, no problem.   Some of my friends, co workers,  and family no problem.   I’ve also had many of my part time ride share passengers tell me how much fun/interesting our ride/conversation was.

I don’t do this with everyone, but certain people I vibe with, while others I don’t like that.   We used to.   I never run out of things to say to certain people, but with others, I just don’t have anything to say.   After all of the things that happened between us, she’s in that category now.    I mean I can with her, but it’s a struggle.  It takes a lot of emotional energy.   If i drank more, i probably could, but i really don’t have the time.   Plus, I’d want sex and she’d piss me off if she didn’t give it up.

I really think she’s going to miss me when I’m gone.   Even if she doesn’t, I’m at the point where I don’t care how she feels.   Breaking our kid’s heart is the last straw and if it happens, I won’t have anything to say to her …. ever.  I can forgive her for having a woman’s nature, but I won’t deal with her on any other level than cordial co parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Validation

Validation is a hell of a drug.    It’s been said that women bond with you when you can make them feel good about themselves.   I think this is true for some women.   If she’s used to getting compliments and validation due to men wanting to get into her panties, the effect you have over is diminished.

Love is funny.   I’m thinking that the guys who probably should be in relationships don’t get chosen too often and the guys who shouldn’t be are constantly being chosen by women.   Is it because the former has cracked the code so to speak and have more options.    Are we truly as only faithful as our options?

Perhaps men who aren’t so great with women tend to get cheated on because they cling to women who offer them validation that they normally don’t get.   I get validation in the form of compliments and lately, more often than not, when I ask a girl for her number I get it.

I don’t really have the time to follow up from there, but it usually is the right number.   I just don’t really have the time, given my tight schedule, to arrange a date.  I stay in contact every few weeks or so.  I have a couple I’ve been talking to for like a year now….I guess I’m just another blue pill sucker who she keeps on the back burner just in case.   In a sense, I’m just there for validation.   I suppose they are for me too.

To be honest, I’m just jaded with the whole sexual thing.  I have to change my mentality to become a person who just doesn’t care about what she does.  Maybe it’s the beta in me.   But sex is better when I have a connection with someone.   That does lead to problems because if we’re dating, I can’t expect them not to  be screwing around.  If we have sex consistently, I start caring.  No relationship status necessary.

But at the same time, where I stand, it is gross to share a woman.   It’s like wearing someone else’s underwear or something….Even if they washed them before I put them on.    Dunno.

this age of sexual freedom is disturbing.   There isn’t much I can do as I just don’t trust women not to cheat.   Relationships are pointless because even if you try to hold them accountable, they’re still going to do whatever the hell they want to do anyway.  Thirsty assed men don’t care about being her dude.   Everyone has secret sexual partners it seems.

Maintaining frame in a relationship is just too damn complicated and catching feelings is probably the worst thing a dude can do these days.  That is if you care about monogamy.

So…..I don’t want love without monogamy.   I don’t want monogamy because it just doesn’t work.  Screw relationships, titles don’t stop anything.    I want love, but I don’t want to share.   It seems that I have to understand that I can’t have love on my own terms.   The way I was taught.   Don’t cheat, be fair, be understanding, communicate, have consideration for each other, be kind to each other, and have fun.  Most of those things are called beta these days.   It’s low key unattractive to women.   Really the only thing required is to have fun with her and fuck her good.   And that still won’t keep her faithful.  It might keep her interested though.

It seems that I have to cheat in order to keep her faithful…or she’ll lose interest and cheat on me.   I have to hurt her and be a douche sometimes in order to spike her emotions so that she doesn’t get bored.   Studying game and all the mental tricks and fuckery to keep her around is exhausting.   I’d literally have to transform myself into a person I wouldn’t want my daughter or mother to date in order to keep her attracted.   I literally can’t care.    I’d be much more successful if I was a user, had an agenda, and had intent on saying whatever I needed to say to get her to fall, while at the same time, not meaning it.

I’d have to be a narcissist.   THIS IS NOT EASY for me.  I’m empathic to a fault it seems.  And even if I know it’s what she responds to best, it doesn’t feel natural nor right for that matter.    Even if I reframe it to say that it’s only giving her what she wants (even if she’ll never admit it to herself, let alone me)…..it’s still like selling out my principles and soul in order to please someone else.

Then again, it might be easy if I try at least try it.   As much as I hate to admit it, I think that women like for you to hurt or damage them emotionally.   Of course they never will, but seriously, it’s hard to overlook the plethora of examples of women chasing bad men, while at the same time, overlooking/unsatisfied with the ones who would treat them right.

I know that they’d end eventually end up treating me bad if I put my heart all in.   Yet it’s so easy to do the right thing….at least for me anyway.     Validation isn’t hard for me, but as it stands, I have to do all the chasing.  This is the hard part.  I lose interest quickly if sex isn’t on the table.   I don’t believe in leading people on .  I don’t trust them anyway.   I don’t have time.  and Oh yeah, I’m still married.

For them, it’s easy because guys generally do all the chasing.    They just wait for the options to come to them.

But if it’s not worth it, then why in the hell do I still have this desire to want to have a woman.   I’ve gotta overcome that lust.   I have to stop basing part of my self worth on whether or not I have a woman who’s interested in me.   It’s dangerous because if she takes that validation away, it hurts me.   That’s too much power to give to anyone.

If  I’m not willing out get out here and get my hands dirty so to speak, then I shouldn’t play this game.    Dating in this modern world isn’t for good hearted men as much as cage fighting isn’t for pacifists.   This ain’t McDonalds,  it seems that you gotta kill the cow before you can eat it.

 

 

 

Just Terrible

I’ve been thinking that I should have never married my wife.   Some people say that you should just look back and be thankful for the good times at the conclusion of a relationship.  It would have been so much easier to do if she acted….normal.

In an ideal world, we could have worked things out.   Second case scenario, we realized that it wasn’t working, we tried to fix things, and if not possible, we could have amicably split with at least a friendship in tact.

Unfortunately, selfish people tend to sabotage the underpinning foundation of friendship that usually start off at the beginning of a romantic relationship.    This has been the case.   As much as I would have liked to have been at least amicable, the psychological damage inflicted upon me is a lot to bear.   I don’t think our friendship can survive, let alone our marriage.

At this point, I do understand the nature of women (apparently a vary large majority act terribly and unfairly in relationships).   It’s a painful lesson that many men are experiencing.   Even though, now that I know what I’m dealing with… as in it’s her nature and there isn’t really much I can do about it….It’s so hard not to be angry, disappointed, hurt, and disgusted.

Up until this point, I’ve never had any real enemies.   Even my terrible ex’s haven’t been able to injure me like this.   How can someone be so cold, conniving, wicked, and yet unrepentant about it.   How does she sleep at night without feeling guilt over destroying something as beautiful as her own family.

Yet this is what I’m dealing with.   Arguments are coming more frequent and becoming more explosive.   She seems to think she can just bully me or talk to me any way.    This IDGAF attitude along with her coldness makes me know that she isn’t right for me.   And that’s cool.   I think I’d rather be single for a while anyway as I figure out if all women are like this, or if I just chose a bad apple.

This horrible attitude has me vexed.   I’m showing a lot of restraint and by no means will I put my hands on her.   But I wonder why some women provoke men who show restraint to the point where they consider it.   I’ve been in abusive relationships before and won’t strike a woman unless it’s out of self defense.

In a man’s world, we fight disrespect with our fists.  A disrespectful man who can’t defend himself is asking for an ass whooping.  In fact, it’s not uncommon for a man to say about another man that he needs his ass kicked.   I don’t condone violence against women, but some of these women get out of line because they haven’t been humbled.   They know that the consequences of men putting his hands on her is much much worse and they often take full advantage of the fact through disrespect.

It’s really sad that many men have to take emotional and verbal abuse and are powerless to do anything about it.   The guys who don’t show much restraint get more respect from her, but of course there are also men who abuse their power.  The law (nor society for the most part) tend to make the distinction.

Either way, I have to get out of this situation.   As I’ve written before, it hurts that I have to emotionally destroy my son in order to get this peace.   But I cannot tolerate the emotional abuse.   Our situation is set up in a way that we depend on each other to care for him.  He’s sure the carry the brunt of the dissolution of our home.   I hate the fact that she claims to love him, but yet be  ok with being the primary cause of the disharmony in our home.

I can’t love her anymore in light of all of this.   Not in that way.   So here I am, living with a woman, who is ignorantly selfish, admittedly emotionless, co dependant, flaky, amoral (at best), and at her worst, just a terrible person.   Yet she sees nothing wrong as she doesn’t know how she feels, doesn’t care to know, and uses her ‘unhappiness’ as an excuse to act in hurtful ways to others.  She has the nerve to call out bad behavior in others, she hides what she’s doing from others (through lies and deceit) so she knows she’s wrong for that.

I’m no saint.   I tried to walk the righteous path.   I’m hypocritical as I’ve deviated from the path of fidelity.    A man doing what he gotta do is really no excuse.   I’ve allowed her dysfunction to affect my choices when it comes to staying faithful in this ‘marriage’, so I no longer hold the high moral ground.    At least my justification, is that I tried.  I warned her.   I begged, I pleaded, I signed us up for counseling.   I wrote letters, I extended my hand, I tried forgiveness…..only to be hurt by her again and again.  I feel justified in that I feel that she pushed me out there.  It’s not right, but I did it for my own sake.  My own mental health.  I needed to stop feeling like I was nothing.

Whether I stepped out or not,  I’m still  left with no recourse but to do the ultimate.  Split our home…. Which unfortunately, my son is the innocent bystander in all of this.   Yet she still walks around, smiling, laughing, feeling ok with herself…I’m sure that her beauty and laid back disposition will entrap some sucker (as it did me).    We men can be fools when it comes to a pretty face at times.

I don’t care anymore.   I just need out.   I need to put this behind me.   Our anniversary is in 3 days.   I doubt she’ll mention it.  I certainly won’t.   Instead of looking back over the ‘great years’ we had, I’m looking back as if it were a prison sentence.   I just wanted to love her and raise a family, I tried to do the right thing, it wasn’t enough……I wanted to shield kiddo from this…..That’s the part that sucks the most.

Life’s bitch sometimes.

 

 

Girls just wanna have fun

It seems that wherever you look, there are tons of women out there just looking to ‘live their best lives’ and be thots.   I like thots and all.   But it seems that the balance between good women and thots is off.

I don’t think that women understand that the double standard between men and women when it comes to certain behavior is there for a reason.   While they may think that it’s ‘unfair’, it is what it is.   Noone wants to ‘wife’ or be romantically associated with the thotty or party girl.

While women think that the life of the party or player guy is attractive, men are generally repulsed by the female counterpart.   At least in the sense of not wanting to consider her for relationship material.   In our minds, once a ho, always a ho.   We don’t try to change them.

If a man goes to a party and dances or grinds on every female in there, it seems to activate their competitive nature.   Being attention seekers, they want to monopolize his time.   Men on the other hand, sees a women out there allowing men to grind on them see her as a sexual object alone.   It’s embarrassing to be associated, at least in a romantic sense with her after everyone just witnessed her wilding out like that.

Typically men prefer, good women.   A more conservative/moderate woman is wifey material where as the party girl is just there for entertainment.   Who wants to be the guy who’s girl got effed up at a party and got a train run on her in the restroom?

A man with a ‘reputation’ as a ladies man doesn’t seem to have nearly as much impact on him being chosen as a woman with a reputation as a thot.    Perception is everything, so even if she isn’t actually having sex with these guys, if she is perceived to be a ho, then she automatically puts herself in the fwb or Netflix and chill only category.  Her education or accomplishments mean nothing.

Once her reputation gets out, she’s pretty much toast.   Unless a man is desperate, doesn’t care about his own reputation, or makes the mistake of falling in love before he knows, relationship status is off limits.

Yet it seems that a lot of women don’t get this.    They continue to go out in thot attire, hook up with different men, and wonder why the men that choose them prefer to keep them a secret or won’t commit.    As been stated a million times, men want a LADY in the STREETS, but a freak in the bed.

The tendency of men to want a woman who is, at least on a surface level, conservative, makes dating tricky for women today.   Society teaches them to date several men at once and choose between the best suitors.   Me and most men that I know aren’t really interested in women who date several men at a time.   At least when it comes to wifey material.

Seriously, who wants to make love to a woman who just had sex with a man two days / a week ago.   Now there are some  men who just don’t give a fuck.   I’d say that those men either have no self respect OR they don’t really respect her.  Depending on what sexual acts they are willing to do to her or what they are willing to do to get it tells the difference.

If he doesn’t respect himself, he doesn’t mind kissing her or eating her out.   If on the other hand, he doesn’t respect her, he’ll only have sex and depending on how much he values his safety, with a condom only.

Making love to a thot or even a woman dating several men at the same time is sort of like making love to a prostitute.   The purpose of screwing a prostitute is simply to get his rocks off.   Her pleasure isn’t really a consideration….and why should it be anything else for any self respecting man.

Wifey is for intimacy and love making, thots and prostitutes are for sex only.  I think that women know this and it’s why many hide their promiscuity from potential ‘boyfriend’ material.   With thot culture in full effect today, it is advisable for most men to take a much precautions as possible when it comes to dealing with women.    Protect your dicks and your hearts gentlemen.   The last thing you want to do is fall for a thot.

Men with the tendency to see the best in people are especially cautioned out here.   My biggest fear is to fall in love with a thot.   I tread with caution, but because I have a tendency to connect with people, I know I have to be careful if I’m dealing with a woman for an extended amount of time.   I’ve been burned in the past by this by ignoring red flags until it was too late.

Giving them the benefit of the doubt never worked out too well for me.   My problem was that I wanted to treat each one on a case by case basis.   In retrospect, the red flags were there and I ended up sick to my stomach once the dust settled enough to actually see what was going on.

In a sense, I felt violated.   But truth be told, I could blame no one but myself.    Can you imagine how it would feel to kiss a prostitute in the mouth knowing that she’s been out working all day.    I’m about to throw up just thinking about it.

I’m not gay nor bi sexual so sucking peen (even by proxy) makes me sick to my stomach.    I know that pretty much all women have sucked peen before and I don’t know what the statue of limitation is between sucks, but I do know that if she did after I got with her is enough to make me wanna call it quits, at least with the intimacy part.

Sex isn’t really hard to find, but intimacy is….at least for me anyway.   Perhaps it’s why I fall hard when I do find it.  Unfortunately, for me anyway, I mistakenly gave intimacy to people I shouldn’t have, trying to give them a chance because of a connection.

So attraction is one thing.   Chemistry and connection is another, though not necessarily mutually exclusive.   Unfortunately, neither of those are indicators of whether she’s a thot or not.   This is why you cannot ignore red flags else you end up falling for her and heart broken and disgusted.   In the end, you can’t blame anyone but yourself.

MGTOW monk mode is probably the best way for me.   Even though I’ve overcome the falling because of attraction part a long time ago, being able to handle the connection part still seems to elude me.  Because the thirst for intimacy is so real and the connection part is so rare, when I find it, it’s hard to let go and easy to ignore the red flags until it’s too late.

As much as I dislike narcissistic and emotionally unavailable people, I do admire their ability to control their emotions and attract good hearted people.  I wonder if there is a way to use their tactics of using people without being so damn dirty about it.

Either way, I’m learning to love myself more so instead of looking for intimacy and connection, I think the focus should just be on sex only.  Girls just wanna have fun and why bring intimacy into it. Here’s to 2020.

 

 

 

 

Addicted to love

I’m struggling here trying to figure out why there is such an intrinsic desire to want to have a woman in my life.   I know that the juice from relationships isn’t worth the squeeze.   I know that falling in love and actually loving someone are two different things.   I definetely believe that being ‘in love’ with someone is similar to a bad drug habit.

Having somewhat liberated myself from that condition, I find myself fighting the urge to want it.   I’d rather have someone in love with me as I choose to love them.   Perhaps I’m damaged, but honestly, I don’t want the feeling of ‘ownership’ that goes along with being in love with someone.

People are people and people make shitty decisions.   There is no such thing as unconditional love in a romantic context.   Or at least, it doesn’t last forever.   I’ve been thinking that perhaps, at least for me anyway, it’s hard to handle it.   I don’t like not being in control of my emotions in that sense.

Here you are, living your life, minding your business and then out of nowhere, boom, you meet someone, vibe, have a great time, have great sex, share intimate moments and the next thing you know, you put expectations on them that they may not be able to live up to.

After being burned by love, you know that honeymoon love is just a phase.   You know that this will most likely end badly with you being devastated by their loss or betrayal.   You know that way more often than not, it just won’t work.   Yet and still, something, in you desire those good feelings.   Even if you know it’s artificial and fleeting.

I think I am a love addict.   I love making love to and making a woman feel good.   I love to care for her and help her ‘heal’ her past wounds.   I want to be the guy who can show her that not all men are selfish, narcisistic bastards out for only one thing.   Yet I know that this  part of me has to die.   It’s not attractive and it will be the cause of the downfall of the relationship.   I can’t hide not caring but for so long.

In short, I guess that I  am, as they call it, a nice guy.   A beta male when it comes to this dating thing.  A poser who uses red pill knowledge to hide the fact that I do indeed like romance and intimacy.

It’s truly not my nature to be a cold player.   Yet for some reason, it’s what they like.   I’ll always be at a disadvantage in the love game.  My redpill knowledge is the only thing that keeps me from jumping off the cliff of giving my heart over to someone again.  It saved my life and is effective in getting and maintaining attraction.  It helps me manage my expectations to realize that she’s never mine, it’s just my turn.   I can’t understate how much I wish I had this knowledge before.

Bliss is being drunk off of  ignorance.  Fun times tonight, but helluva hangover the next day.  Drugs are fun until it’s time to quit.  Rahab ain’t no joke from what I hear.

The dark side of me requires trust and fidelity.   I can’t expect that nor be surprised if I don’t get it.   Especially given that I don’t have what it takes to get it long term.   So in essence, whenever I involve myself in situationships, I am playing with fire.

I don’t know why I care or require this.   This is why I must have more than one woman at a time.   Hopefully it can curb this desire and tendency that I have to get ‘one itis’ with someone I deal with for too long.  How do I learn to overcome that desire to be honest and real about not trusting her without sounding bitter or scorned.   Why must I hold myself to a higher standard morally than I hold her.   How can I overcame that.    Until that happens, I must keep fighting the good fight as I realize that she’s never mine, it’s just my turn.

As of now, I don’t have time to deal with more than one at a time.   I either need to make time, which is stupid, as I should be out making money and securing my future.   Or let it all go for now.

In reality, I’m like a junkie who got clean.  I have to treat this condition as someone was and still is an addict.  And avoid being in situations where there is the opportunity to relapse.