Imitation of Beauty

Television and media seem to champion a certain type of beauty that permeates our cultural view of what beauty really is.   Personally, this doesn’t reflect my view.   To me, it’s fake and becoming increasingly unattractive.    In fact, it has allowed me to somewhat disassociate beauty with attraction.

The other day while doing ‘research’ on the darker parts of the web.  Aka porn.  I saw what I perceived as a beautiful woman.   That was, until she lifted her skirt and I saw something I wish i could unsee.   Yup, a damn transexual.  She looked like she could be a cast member on love and hip hop or something.    Ok, I don’t have anything against transgendered people.  Well actually, I do, nothing personal, but more idealistic in nature, but that’s not the point of this article.

The point is that while the hair extensions, long eye lashes, makeup, rediculously small waists, big breasts, and fat asses look good from an objectification point of view.   In reality, it’s not what my ideal woman would look like.   Yeah, I’m a sucker for a cute face, but if she has to wear makeup and weave and artificial stuff to get it, then it sort of ruins it from a relationship point of view.

I’d rather a 6 or 7 natural than a 9 or 10 barbie doll if that makes sense.    If she likes to dress up occasionally to attend some stuffy suit and tie affair, then that’s one thing.   Walking around daily like that is too much.

Listening to the ‘manosphere’ and barber shop talk, it seems that I’m not alone in feeling like this.   Black women especially are bad about trying to have that ‘look.’  To me, it’s fake and superficial.  They are looking ‘beautiful’, but for who though.   That look seems to come with a bad personality or attitude.   It screams that they want to be ‘queens’ instead of regular down to earth people.   They can’t have fun because they don’t want to ruin their hair or nails.  It’s almost like they are begging for attention, but then when they get said attention, they want to walk around claiming that dudes are thirsty.

Now that I know that there are some ‘pretty’ men out there and that makeup can totally transform a person’s appearance, I’m even more turned off by all of that.   It’s too much.  I wonder if women would appreciate if a man got fake muscles, fake dreads or a fake man bun, a fake beard, or even a fake penis.

I suppose to each their own and maybe some men like all that fake stuff.  For me though, natural over man made ‘perfection’ all day.

 

 

 

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“Separated Husbands”

I used to think that all cheaters were lowlife pieces of dirt.   While I still think that many are, I now realize that sometimes, things aren’t always as they appear.

As a “separated” husband, I’ve been there. I can’t speak as to why other guys do this, but I know of a few who “single/separated” men who go out there because their wives no longer show them love at home. I also know some that are dogs with loving wives at home.  There is a difference.  I suppose that once a cheater always a cheater doesn’t necessarily apply here.  I don’t think I could cheat on a loving wife, but who knows at this point.

Many men have legit reasons for not divorcing, usually kids or finances. In my case, I still love my wife, but she isn’t in love with me nor cares to talk about it. I don’t want to hurt our kid, so we are cordial in front of him, but she sees me as more of a room mate than a husband now.

This goes deeper than just sex, but intimacy. Many wives fall out of love with their husbands over time and become cold. It’s hard thing to be constantly rejected for sex, and made to feel unwanted, or undesired all while knowing you are trying to do what you vowed to do. It makes us feel inadequate or unworthy.  How did the once loving and giving woman I married become so …. bitchy.    Like know she’s being a bitch but doesn’t care what I think.  Like, not caring how her words or actions make me feel.  I don’t care what you say, a person checking out of a marriage and leaving their spouse in limbo is a recipe for emotional abuse.

Imagine how it feels when the person you vowed to love with all of you cringes whenever you try and kiss them.  Imagine witnessing them pulling away almost instinctively every time you tried to grab them by their waist.  Having to play it off or make a joke so you don’t seem hurt even though it kills you on the inside.   Imagine going for months without sex and always being rejected night after night, no matter how you try to make the day special for her.     Imagine being unable to articulate your feelings of insecurity because well…..she calls you insecure.   Imagine trying to talk about the relationship only to get stonewalled….or worse yet, ignorned for instagram….or worse yet, the silent treatment if you call her out on it.    Writing a letter telling her exactly you feel and inviting her to do the same … only to ask if she read it to hear “uhh not yet”.     6 months later, She never read that damn letter.    Imagine being strung along with lines like she’s on the fence and not sure what she wants all while hoping for your family to work.   For over a year after her affair.

But you love your kid and you just can’t imagine breaking his heart like that.  I’d do almost anything to keep him from feeling that.   Sure I’ll get over it, but what about him.   He loves us both and even prays that “Daddy will move back in soon.”

I still feel guilty for cheating sometimes, but life seems a bit easier since I’m not pressuring my wife for sex or intimacy anymore.  Ironically, in a way, I guess she likes it too even though she hasn’t  really seemed to notice.  It kind of hurts that she doesn’t even notice though.

My “friend” makes me feel good though. She’s glad to hear from me and share her day. She made me remember that I don’t suck at sex. She likes hearing about my day and isn’t intentionally bitchy.  She notices and appreciates the hard work I put in the gym.   She encourages me and in a way, it feels like she appreciates the fact that I do take interest in her day.

While i know that I can’t get too attached.  It’s just a fling.  I wish there was a way to let her know how much I appreciate her understanding my situation without sounding like a cornball.   My wife used to do those things.  Eventually, things probably would change with her too.   I’m not expecting much long run from her.  But for now, I’ll just enjoy the moment.  We could end things tomorrow.   I’d hate it, but I’d be ok with it.

Do a google search of “i love, but i’m not in love with my husband” and read the comments in some of these articles. It’s really sad, but eye opening.

I’ve always heard women call men dogs and claim that all of us cheat.   I’m starting to wonder how many of them actually stopping loving their husbands and pushed them out there.   I’d like to think that if she treated me like she cared, I wouldn’t have become like my father.

I also learned you can’t always judge why people do the things they do in marriage.  If my wife ever finds out, I’d like to hope that she realizes that she did push me out there.   Maybe she’d be upset about this secret ‘friend’ if she ever found out.   Oddly, I can’t really say for sure if she’d even really be mad.  How could she?  But she can’t say that I didn’t try.

 

 

Finally Pulling Away

 

 

I don’t know why I’m judging it so hard.   I guess it’s part of the process.

She seems so shallow and superficial to me now.   It’s really hard to see her in a positive light these days.  I mean it’s been a while since i have, but before it was out of hurt and anger.   This is starting to feel like contempt.    I don’t trust her very much.

It seems that we can’t really talk about much of anything unless it’s related to the kid.   She doesn’t do much around the house.   Little to no sex.    We don’t have much in common.   She keeps secrets and pretty much doesn’t tell me much about anything going on in her life.   I catch her in lies, white lies lately, but after all that’s happened they seem significant.

I know that it’s a negative cycle as she probably senses that I don’t really like her all that much anymore.   It’s just so hard when it seems that she embodies everything I don’t like in women.

The Reality TV watching,  ‘Doing it for the Gram’, ‘Living my best life’, ‘Beard Game Matters’, I love “traveling”(aka vacationing), and snapchat selfies are all things about certain women that I’ve come to loathe.   It’s a real turn off when a woman is always on her phone.  I don’t like Niki Minaj as a person.  I don’t really care for all the b.s. pop hip hop that’s shoved down our throats on the radio.

It’s like all of the media programming has infected her and turned her into this fake wanna be housewives of love and hip hop honey.   Worrying more about how she looks in the gym than actually working out.   I don’t have a problem with occasionally indulging in this, but when it becomes an all day every day thing, it really bothers me for some reason.

It all seems so superficial and fake.   Perhaps in another context it’s just girls being girls and having fun.   TBH, I don’t know too many women in their 30’s into this at this point in their lives.  It’s a red flag and I think I’d avoid women into that.  I wouldn’t like them and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like me either.   But I’m wondering in her case, is it a phase, a mid life crisis, or maybe she’s still trying to find herself.

This isn’t who I married.   Or perhaps it was and she was trying to suppress it in order to keep me happy.  Now that the ‘thrill is gone’ in marriage, she can try out all of those things.  I never thought it was a part of her.    It might explain how things went off the rails as bad as they did.

I suppose she’s right and we are on different pages now.   I mean I don’t know how, if we can, or even if I want to see if we can fix things.   I hate it for our kid though.  Even if I never find anyone else, I don’t know if I can keep doing it with her.  She’s not my type anymore.     I’m pretty sure she has a list of complaints about me as well.

It’s so weird how you can love someone with your whole heart one day, expect changes and be willing to deal with them, and want to spend the rest of your life with them….only to in a few years really dislike them as a person.

I can’t change her, nor would I want to.   She’d regret it and probably end up despising me for it in the end.   I’m just not one of the ‘cool’ kids.   I never was, nor did I think she was or desired to be.   That’s one of the reasons I fell for her.  It felt like ‘us’ against the world.   We were rebels against ‘system’.  We were the punk rockers against the mainstream.   We could both easily fit into the mainstream, but chose to rebel against the fakeness and bullshit of it all.   I thought we both saw past the facade.

But now it’s like she wants to be like a generic 20 year old women so bad.    I wouldn’t judge her so hard if I wasn’t so close.  Knowing me,  I’d try to screw her if she showed enough interest, but I probably not wife her.   We’re just so different now.

At this point, we’ve both done our dirt.   Neither of us seem to really care about fixing things and both are in it for the kid.   We both love him and I know that for sure.  She’s a pretty woman, I’m sure someone will want to wife her if she wants that.   Perhaps he can bring the best out of her in a way that I can’t seem to anymore.

I’ve read that marriages go through phases like this.   But tbh, I’m tired of trying and giving my best.  Rejection hurts, I am human after all.    She put me in a position where I cannot chase her even if I wanted to.    I would have to be so fake while swallowing my pride.    I don’t even know what she’s attracted to anymore.   I thought she liked my ‘intelligence’, my looks, my heart, and my uniqueness.   But apparently, not anymore.

Perhaps she’d like me if I rocked a NY fitted, copped some Jordans, grew a beard, and started talking about how much money matters over everything.   Maybe if I threw on some skinny jeans, a tight tee, and financed a BMW she’d fall back in love.

I’m not as confident with her anymore.   Obviously I want to put the blame on her for this.  For the life of me, I still cannot see what I did so wrong as to make her 180 like that.   I’ve asked, I guess too late though because once she checked out, she was gone.   I haven’t seen her since, but I have seen glimpses here and there.

The only explanation have come from red pill literature.   While I’m still not 100 percent sure that it applies to ALL women just yet, i’m pretty sure it explains her.   I was just too nice to her.   I was too accomodating.  I loved her too much.    I didn’t demand enough of her.    I was just too nice.   Now it’s probably too late.  But I’m ok with that.  I don’t really like who she’s become anyway.

I feel bad for our son though.   It hurts me so much to think that we are taking him though this.   But dammit man, if i can’t trust her, then how in the hell am I supposed to live.   I don’t want him growing up thinking it’s ok for a woman to treat him with anything less than respect.   I don’t want him loving a person with his heart who could care less about his feelings.

I mean it’s one thing to love a person through their flaws and try, but another when that person is a liar, emotionally abusive, aloof, and cares more about their image than you.     They say that both parties share blame in the breakdown of a marriage.  While that might be true, it does take both wanting and trying to fix it in order for it to work.

At what point to I realize that the horse is dead and when do I get tired of trying to beat it.   I think my arms are getting tired.

 

 

 

 

 

Not always Black and White

I’ve always thought that there was never a good excuse to cheat on your spouse….ever.  If things were so bad, it would be better to be honest and either fix it or  divorce.   The dishonesty, hurt, and subsequent fallout would be so bad that it just wasn’t worth it.

I also never really had the desire to cheat.   As with many marriages, the amount of sex I had with my wife dropped yearly until it nearly disappeared.  We went from several times a week, down to a few times a month, down to maybe once a month, and now probably quarterly.   Before her affair, I was willing to deal with the decline in sex as I thought it might have been a phase and it seemed really selfish to break up my family over the lack of sex.

Kids add a whole different dynamic into the mix.   I can’t stand to see my kid hurt over us splitting.   I was willing to stay with and live through the humiliation, pain, and heartbreak of an affair.    The type of affair where it’s” I really don’t care that you know, and it’s your fault because you keep digging type.”  The type where they are constantly texting in front of you and the kids.    The type where the other gets an ego boost out of fucking and controlling another man’s wife.

But equally is the fact that now that the affair is over, the sex still hasn’t come back.   When we do have sex, it’s not nearly as good as it used to be.   A weird selfish, and kind of humiliating if I’m honest.  I get to watch her masturbate and can only kiss her where she tells me to.   If I’m lucky, I can finish in her.   Not my proudest moments in life, but horniness, lack of intimacy, and emotional abuse can make you do some weird things.

She claims to not care if I cheat as long as she doesn’t find out about it.   So I did and as in most ‘honeymoon’ phase of relationships, it’s amazing.

This has led me to some interesting conclusions:

Because I’m pretty sure we’re not going anywhere, things seem a lot easier.   There really is a difference having sex with someone who desires you back sexually.   I’m pretty freaking good.   I had lost my confidence for a minute there, but it’s pretty awesome to know that I can give multiple orgasms.

I don’t know, but my wife doesn’t seem to be with anyone right now.   She still doesn’t want sex and hasn’t seemed to notice that I don’t really come on to her like that anymore.   I am starting to notice a lot of things about her personality that downright annoy me.   I do realize that this could be because of easy going fun nature of the other relationship.   I also know that according to redpill literature and experience, this will most likely change over time.    Women are much funner and easier in the beginning, but over time, they usually get harder to deal with.   Fortunately, I’m versed on how these things work or else I could have found myself easily getting caught up in my feelings with AP.

The things that annoy me is her sudden desire to be on social media all the time, wear makeup,  and be like ‘normal’ women.   It’s as if she’s suddenly wants to be like a reality tv show / social media model.   The desire to wear makeup, plastic surgery, and go on expensive ‘vacations’ and all.    She never expressed those desires before and tbh it’s something that attracted me to her in the first place.    As her husband, I have to accept those changes, but if she takes one more selfie instead of actually working out in the gym, I might toss a weight at her.

I don’t know if it’s because she hasn’t pulled anyone yet, but she seems to be nicer to me.    I appreciate it, even if there is no sex.   She hasn’t explicitly said that she wants to try and work on things.    I mean the next attractive guy that gets her attention could probably get her to cheat.   She doesn’t seem to get it.   But she is way meaner to me when she’s attracted/emotionally invested in someone else.    I mean disrespectful and negligent as hell as if she wants to hurt me.

I hate to hurt my family, but I know I should really be looking for better.   I really don’t want to hurt my son and on a certain level I have learned to accept her.   I don’t want to break up my family.   But shit’s all fucked right now.    Why can’t some women just not be bitches?   How can you be a bitch, know you’re being a bitch, and then just want to keep being it….even if doing so is destroying everything?  Being a bitch is NOT cute nor cool.   It’s like being a bully for real.    Strangely enough, I can talk shit about her in an anonymous blog post, but in real life, people would never guess that she acts so damn evil to me.   Not all the time of course and we often do get along pretty well.

I know that I am wrong for doing what I do.   I supposed no one is holding a gun to my head.   But some betrayed people need to realize that you can’t just treat your s/o any way and expect them to stay faithful.   They may only be with you because of the kids.

I mean how stupid would I be if I treated her like crap, had an affair, betrayed her, came back, didn’t give her sex,  didn’t communicate my needs, shut down on her whenever she tried to talk about it, continuously lie about the nature of my ‘friendships’, put my female ‘best freind’ over her feelings, and then tell her that I don’t care if she cheated as long as I didn’t find out.

I couldn’t possibly in my right mind expect her not to cheat.  Especially if I know she put up will all of my shit for the sake of the kids.       Or am I tripping?   Am I just saying this to justify my behavior?   Possibly, but I do suspect that there are many instances where one spouse does push the other to go out there.    And that’s where I learned that when it comes to affairs, things aren’t always as black and white as they seem.

I do know that this can’t go on forever.   But maybe she really doesn’t care and I guess that things will just be whatever for now.   I really gotta get over this need to not hurt the kid.    It’s not even like I’m really that attracted to her like that anymore.   There are so many single women that are prettier (she is pretty though), nicer bodies,  more compatible, smarter, you name it.    This is how I KNOW it’s really about the kid.

I would have gladly died to protect and defend my family, but the question now is if enduring the abuse, getting my hands dirty, and being humiliated worth it?   I know that people will read this and probably flame me for it.

I’m ok with that.   I do think that there is a distinction between the types of cheaters.   I do believe that you can actually push someone out there.  As human beings, we have needs, not just physical.   Even though those are important too.   I still don’t condone cheating on someone who treats you well or at least attempts to.   I think you have to be careful in determining if you’re looking for excuses or if you’re actually justified.

In a way, I feel better and it would be easier to forgive now.   But now I am feeling a little guilty because she is actually treating me nicer now.   Being true to her word, she hasn’t asked anything or even gave off any clue that she suspects anything.    Still though, I’d be pissed if she started dealing with someone else I think.

As for AP, she’s awesome.  She listens to me and is interested in what I have to say.   She’s submissive without being a pushover and she is into me.   She does know about the wife and she believes me.   She even takes her side sometimes, but I haven’t given her the grimiest details of the whole ordeal.   They’d probably be pretty good friends irl.  She claims that she’s rooting for us.    I know what she means even though I don’t believe her literally.     I’m pretty sure she won’t have a problem finding someone.  I just hope that he treats her well and if she’s all that she’s advertising, knows that she’s a pretty good catch.    It would probably be hard to let her go, but I’d rather her take a chance on possibly finding the right someone than being stuck with me in my situation until I can figure it out.

Of course these are my rose colored, honeymoon glasses talking.   If I were in a space where I wanted a real relationship, I’d be all in.   But as it is,  I just have to remember to enjoy the moment and learn not to hold on to it with her.   My wife and I started out similarly, so while I do miss and appreciate these things, I do realize that they never seem to last forever and you really never know who emerges on the other side of new romance.   We’re just friends and she’ll never really know how much she helped me through this.   Sex, intimacy, friendship, the ability to be real and having each other’s best interests at heart is a great thing.  I really missed that.   But we both know it’s too early to determine if this is anything more than a fling.   Plus I like it like that.  No pressure.