For the Love of Christ

 

It’s so funny how I can’t help my feelings.   It sucks.  I don’t want to love her, but I feel addicted.  I’m stuck.   I really don’t want to love her.   I see no logical reason to.  I think I’d be happier if I didn’t.

Honestly, she doesn’t deserve me.   Maybe we don’t deserve each other.   I just don’t think I have the confidence nor heart to win her back, even if I wanted to.   That lack of confidence makes me not want to put forth any effort.   But the fact that she’s on the fence, cheated already, and is possibly scouting for new recruits makes it a moot point anyway.

I mean she put me in a position to where trying to win her back would look pathetic on my behalf.  It would be one thing if she didn’t have an affair, but felt unhappy.    But to play the game of trying to win her back after all of this…..knowing that she is a cheater and knowing that she could do it again…..knowing that she isn’t really that sorry and that she could betray me so deeply.  I mean she could do it again.  How can i fake it?   How can I pretend like I’m ok?   Maybe I just gotta face the fact that my family is gone.   That we have to coparent and raise our son in a broken home.

I just don’t get why this isn’t affecting her so deeply.   I mean how can you just destroy your family and not feel HORRIBLE about it.   We did have a loving home.   Our son knew mommy and daddy.  He saw us working and playing and laughing together.   We had good times together.   He felt the love.   The traditions, old and new.   We made decent money.  Lived in a great neighborhood.   I mean it wasn’t always perfect, but it was ours.  We gave our son something neither of us had, two loving parents who loved and respected each other in the home.  How could she take that from us?  How could she be so unhappy when I sacrificed so much, she did too, and we had so much potential?   Why did she have to wait to have a full on affair to tell me that she wasn’t happy?  What is this “happiness” she seeks?    Wasn’t our family worth at least working on?   How could her desire for another man come before giving our son a home?  I wasn’t perfect, but I was a damn good husband.

This female hypergamy is out of control.    We live in a time where selfishness and the pursuit of personal gratification override the needs of our child.  Where boredom is reason enough to break up homes, destroy marriages, and emotionally damage our kids.  The modern woman wants the world handed to her on  a platter.  She doesn’t want to be responsible for handling her own happiness.

A man must be rich, successful, ambitious, an entertainer, comforter, keep her surprised, stay sexy, walk a tight rope of being available, yet just mysterious enough, help around the house, noticeably desired by other women, able to read her mind, always funny, masculine, feminine, put up with her emotional mood swings, be a punching bag, command respect, and constantly pass all of her shit tests which get harder and harder over time.   And you know what, she still gets bored and ungrateful after all the work you put in.   On top of that sex drops off dramatically.    And you deal with that.   All of that because you love your family.  All because you love her.   And she doesn’t even appreciate it.    Drop one ball and she’s miserable, unhappy, and you’re the evil husband who won’t let her out of her miserable marriage.

Once the cheating starts, the disrespect ensues.   The lies, the gaslighting, the sex falls off even more and you know she’s just doing it to save herself for her affair partner.   She feels like she’s cheating on her affair partner with you.   You, your family, your sacrifices, past and present mean absolutely nothing to her.    Your pain is your problem.   Her “happiness” outweighs the kids sadness.   And yet she still walks around like, she’s the world’s greatest mommy.   As if she’s some prize or catch.    But you still have to show up each and every day and still do what you gotta do for the kid.   She still benefits.

It’s really a nightmare.  The pain is indescribable.  I felt absolutely broken at one point. All the sleepless nights clutched up in fetal position.   All the screaming out loud alone in the car and punching the air.  It felt like something inside of me broke.     Though not as bad as it used to be, I still walk around with anxiety in my chest that won’t go away.   I’m still triggered by certain songs and the sound of iphone notifications.   And she gets to walk around as if nothing happened.  She took your dignity, pride, self respect, and family away.   And guess what, you have to forgive her, not for her, but for yourself.    Even if she could care less how bad she hurt you.

We all got hurt because she decided to this, but yet somehow she’s the victim.  It’s my fault.  I should have been able to handle or better something.  There were no red flags.    Men, I’m warning, you, it’s not worth it.  I’m coming out lucky because she actually makes more money than me, so at least no alimony.    I’m still prayerful that God will find someway to fix this though.

It’s funny how our relationship mirrors the relationship with our creator.   We’re told to love our wives with the love of Christ.   We are horrible sinners and yet He died for us.   None of us deserve God’s forgiveness and yet He laid his life down as a sacrifice.   We still sin, but His grace is a huge testament of His love for us, even if we don’t always recognize or show appreciation by doing as we ought.   I know I’ve played the grace card many times.  I know God has looked out for me at lot of times and still does.

And yet, I claim to love her, I vowed to love her with that Love.  I didn’t realize at the time how it would play out, but here  I am.   Figuratively laying my life (ego, self respect, pride) down while she still doesn’t really appreciate it.  Perhaps, as His servant (pitiful as I am), I am to keep giving her grace and continue to pray for our family.    I’m not Jesus, but I do owe him my life.   Maybe this is why I still love her.  It was probably very selfish of me to ask to remove that longing for her from my heart.   He didn’t.    Maybe this is God’s way of showing me how to REALLY love someone.   May He help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

She’s just made that way

I’ve read and heard about countless stories about decent men losing their families due to their wives walking away.   Red pill theories offer a lot of insight as to why this is happening more and more frequently.   There is a rage that occurs once you realize that 1)women aren’t who we thought they were 2)You can’t ever truly trust a woman the way you’d like and 3)That it seems unfair that they can pretty do whatever they want without actually feeling the consequences of their actions.

The good thing is that it helps my ego in that I realize that there really wasn’t much that I could do.   Biology compels her to act in a hypergamous way, but modern society encourages her to act upon that nature.   In the past, religion, patriarchy, and male dominance pretty much act as a deterrent for her to act that way.   While I do think that we as men did often abuse our power, I also think that it in it’s best form, prevented a lot of the issues we see today.    Especially the walk away wife syndrome.  Many women in the past would be thanking God to have husbands like many of the decent husbands who get left today.  Modern feminism and thirsty men have given women such a strong sense of entitlement, that they cannot be happy or content with one man.   Instead of resisting their lower animal instincts, they are encouraged to pursue it.  It’s called following her heart.

The family structure as we know it is evolving.   I could almost see an argument that this might be for the best, but unfortunately, I also see that the psychological effects that broken homes often have on children.   Women (especially in the black community) don’t really have the best track record of choosing the best men to father their children in modern society.   This leads us further down the road of dysfunction.   They’ve adopted the white woman’s struggle of feminism.   Historically, black men didn’t oppress black women.  (we were both being oppressed).   But as black women jumped on board with the white feminist movement, they sort of left us behind.   This helped lead to the infamous single black household.

As a result, modern black male masculinity is often shaped by feminist single mothers.

Women are often emotional, so our boys (raised by women) often express their masculinity in a feminine (emotional) way.   This is attractive to younger black girls because 1) they were raised by the same women who raised these boys and 2)women are attracted to masculine behavior.    The males willing to display this emotionally charged masculine in flashy and destructive ways attract more attention and the girls are attracted to it.  The rational, reasonable male is often overlooked and seen as ‘boring.’   Hypergamous and financially independent black women are told that they ‘deserve’ it all and either prefer the excitement of the bad boy over the stability of a good man or often times, will choose both.   Having the bad boy’s children at a younger age, then seeking the good guy later in life to help raise them.  Worst case scenario (best if you’re a woman), she’ll just cheat with the “Alpha” guy while enjoying the stability of the “beta”.  Alpha’s fuck, beta’s buck.  You can’t be a faithful alpha male.  No matter what society tells you.  Being faithfully married makes you a beta, there’s no way around it.   She might stay faithful, but most likely will be unhappy and if the right guy comes along at the right time, any excuse will do.

Unfortunately, this self destructive combination isn’t good for society, especially our fragile black community.    Many of the top performing black men who were ridiculed by black women while younger often go to other races of women because they were rejected.  Even in my case, though not terribly successfully, I do ok.  I don’t really want the responsibility of taking on another man’s kids.   I know that no matter what I do for her and her kids, if someone else “better” comes along and my services are no longer “needed” she’ll kick me to the curb with no problem.  I would be seen as guilty for trying to keep her in an unhappy relationship and I would just need to “man up” and “move out of the way.”

It’s funny, my 8 year old son told me this weekend about how the girls in his class didn’t pay attention to some boy until he surprised them and played piano in music class.   He must have done a great job.   He says now that most of the girls have a crush on him.   He thought it was amusing and “weird”.   It goes to show that these biological impulses are just wired into them.

She can never love you for you, but only for what you can do for her.   Whether it’s financial or social currency.   I also heard a quote that “Fame is like that girl who loves you, until she’s done with you.”    The modern woman is like that.

We just have to accept it.   We have to accept that without the protection of the patriarchal system, family won’t survive.   It’s financial and emotional suicide for men to actually love women these days.   We can accept them for what they are and appreciate their beauty and have as much sex as we can, but at this point, we have to realize that love (as we know it) is just a fantasy.

The only way to turn this around is to lower her value.  We as men are so thirsty for sex and so willing to do anything for it that women ranked lower or equal to us still have way more options.   A woman that’s a 7 has no problems with finding a suitable male.   A man that’s a 7 will have to dip down into the 2 or 3 range in order to find someone and even then, it’s very likely she will monkey branch to someone else if the opportunity presents itself.  We actually helped create this monster and until we’re willing to hold ourselves and women accountable and stop accepting ‘anything’ for sex we’re going to be stuck here for a long time.   There are too many simps and undisciplined men for that though.

Unless that ever changes, we have to operate under the assumption that:    “She’s never yours, it’s just your turn”, and act accordingly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheating the Game

I was thinking that my wife played the game similarly to how one would play the single game.   As a responsible man and husband, I couldn’t just walk away from her when she started with the bull.   I mean I could, but it would have had an effect on the kid.   Getting married turns you into a simp or sucker, it’s just simply designed that way.   You have power when you’re married (and someone loves you) and you’re responsible not to abuse that power.   Unfortunately, when you marry a sociopath, they understand this.  They get the power trip and pretty much gives you their ass to kiss.   She may not have been corrupt before you married her, but absolute power corrupts absolutely.   The she has over you will turn her off to you, even if in the context of doing what you gotta do to maintain your home.

If you love your family and value your home, they know that you can’t just walk away, even if they can.   You look at your family, your vows, your obligations, and realize that grace might be needed.   Unfortunately, that makes you appear to be needy.   Which is unattractive.

When a woman gets into bitch mode while married, there isn’t really much you can do to get her out of it.   Women lose their minds during this mode and the thing is that she KNOWs she’s being a bitch.   In regular life, a man could just walk away.   When married you have repeat the stupid mantra “Happy wife, happy life.” Then proceed to take her shit, buy her something, stand up for yourself (which transforms her into bitch mode 2), or ignore her (which causes her act more disrespectfully in the long term.)

As time goes on, women become less and less attracted because they basically take all of your masculinity away.    You can’t put a foot in her ass, you can’t just leave, you just have to sit there and take it.  Keep in mind that you can’t argue with a woman period….Let alone while in bitch mode.   This is why a HUGE red flag is when a woman says that she needs a strong man to handle her.   First of all, you’re a human, not a wild animal, you should be able to handle yourself.  Secondly, no man wants to deal with all the bullshit in the world then have to come home and take your shit.

There are many good men that won’t commit emotionally because we realize that being good gives her the upperhand.   Many women cannot handle having the upper hand.   Maybe this is why they’re instinctively attracted to the narcisstic bad boy.  Perhaps this is why selfishness, conceit, and cockiness appeal to them.   They claim that they don’t want a ‘nice guy’ because they’d run all over him.   A cocky guy will walk out /away at the sign of disrespect, likes fighting, and doesn’t mind taking things to another lever of savagery.  Even if that means leaving the kids behind.   In essence, he is like her at the core and I suppose that like attracts like.

It’s my opinion that being a ‘hot head’ is a feminine trait.   Sure there’s masculinity in the forefront, but it’s being controlled by feminine energy.  Masculine energy is more quiet, logical, methodical.  It considers how current actions will affect the future and those around him.   A man, looks out for his tribe or his group.  He can’t afford to jump or be reactive or act out of his ‘feelings.’    He must consider the consequences of how making emotional decisions can affect his tribe.   He isn’t afraid to use his force to stand up for what’s right, but he doesn’t just use it just for the sake of having it.    A lot of dudes, especially the douchebags, fuckboys, and bad boys do shit just to ‘show off.’   That’s why a lot of them are always into stuff.   Dope boys get caught because they buy flashy cars and jewelry.   Fake Gangsters start fights and shoot at people because they got angry.   Douches start smoke with people to impress women. None really stop to consider the consequences of their actions it seems that women LOVE this , no matter how much they say they don’t.

A lot of women mistake cool, calm, composure with weakness and meekness.  They mistake kindness, grace, and understanding for simpery.   They prefer the flashy bravado of the bad boy.   It makes sense because in a way, both are caught up in the materialism and the trappings of the world.  They like drama, even though they don’t say they don’t.   Cognitive Dissonance is real.   I’ve learned that you don’t judge a person by what they say, but by what they do.   Security is boredom and instability means passion and wet panties.   IJS, it’s not just me.   MEN KNOW this.   I’ve had many, many discussions with guys and the overall consensus is that it has been their experience also.   It’s an unsaid meme that we as men have to CREATE drama in order to keep women attracted and from being bored.   It’s easy for men who act out of their feminine and this is probably a reason why bad boy seem more exciting.

NO matter, facts are facts, and no need to complain.  Water is wet, cows moo, and babies cry.  You deal with it.   The thing is that a lot of us had to learn this the hard way.  Most  good men should not marry these days.   He should never fall in love.  Not because he can’t, but because it will save him a LOT of pain and emotional trauma in the long run.    Save love and marriage for the simps and fuckboys.

 

Taxi Driver Therapy

An old pastor/counselor texted me today and asked about how things were going between me and the wife.   After a few formalities, I opened up about the current situation with her and her friend and why I moved out.   Thinking back, I probably shouldn’t have.  On one hand, I’m hoping he could offer some insight as an older man as to how I should best handle the situation.   On the other, I feel that I’m sort of selling her out.   I know he doesn’t have the answers, I should have just asked him to pray.

I am looking for answers and insight, but at the same time, I wonder how much am I looking for comfort and validation.   Do I really need someone to validate me and tell me how sorry they are I’m going through this.   Sometimes, as a part time Lyft driver, I’ll tell a customer about my situation.  Depending on how interested they seem, I’ll go into details.   Universally, they agree with my assessment.   I figure that they are strangers and I’ll probably never see them again so I feel more comfortable confiding in them.  I am leaning towards insight though.  The other night, I told someone since the conversation we were having drifted towards going out, meeting women and so forth.   I explained that I was a bit rusty since I was married, but going through a separation.   I told him that I wasn’t looking forward to the dating world because I’ve heard (and somewhat experienced) what it has to offer.   He asked what happened and I tell him what happens.   In my mind, since I’ve been dealing with this so long, it’s matter of factly.   As in, I’m just figuring out how to manage.   I wasn’t looking for sympathy.  But he was saying how bad he felt, how he couldn’t imagine it, and how much it must suck.   “Good luck man” and “I hope it works” .

I usually get those type of responses, but now I’m thinking that I probably should stop.   I’m not looking for validation, it’s just something that’s happening and it’s too easy to weave in to conversation.  I don’t always talk about it with people.  I don’ t know why I do with some people, but to my defense, it’s probably only with maybe 5% of the people I give a ride to.   If that.    Anyway, after I dropped him off, it hit me that I’m sort of dumping my problems onto people.   Sure it is kind of therapeutic, but I don’t need to be laying heavy shit like that on to people.   That’s what this blog is for.

 

Men lie, Women lie to themselves

 

They say that men have an ability to compartmentalize between sex and emotion.  But they never tell you that women have the ability to compartmentalize between fantasy and reality.    I’m thinking that the problem with me and many ‘good’ guys is that we tell women what they need to hear instead of what they ‘want’ to hear.   We try to push forward an as  accurate map of reality as possible.  As men, our frame usually dominates.  In today’s world, women don’t really want to take accountability for their behavior.    This is why talking ‘facts’ to most women just doesn’t work when it comes to getting laid or trying to get into a relationship.

The want to be sold the fantasy that “it just happened”.   Especially when it comes to sex.   They’ll do stupid stuff like flirt with you all day, go out with you, get drunk, make out, come back to your apartment, and have sex.   Then be like, I didn’t mean for that to happen.    They’ll deny any role that they had in the process, especially if they are married or have a significant other.    Confront them on it, and they swear it never happened, even with evidence in tow.

A perfect example of this cognitive dissonance is when these women go on the Maury show and swear 200% that some schmuck is her baby’s father.   They will go on national television 100% confident that these men are the fathers.   Very rarely will they ever admit that it’s a possibility that some other guy might be the father.   Instead, they act stupid, unruly, and insulted that the guy had doubt her about it.    Then in the end, instead of owning up to the fact that they were lying, they run through the studio crying  looking for sympathy acting like they were blindsided by the news.   And you know what happens, they usually get the sympathy.   Meanwhile, the guy who was innocent, who just got boo’d by the crowd, who, years ago might have been stuck for 18+ years raising a kid who wasn’t even his doesn’t even get an apology.

The cognitive dissonance these women have is truly disturbing.   You can never trust a woman because she lies to herself.   Her ability to compartmentalize fantasy from reality is really, really, scary.     I seriously wonder if they actually ‘know’ that they are lying to themselves.   It’s to the point of delusion.   In their world, facts don’t matter as much as feeling.   Facts only make sense if they can support their feeling.   It’s like they’d rather live in a world of lies, than just face the hard facts.

I’ve made the mistake of debating otherwise very rational women.  In every case, if they catch me with something I was unaware of or just wrong about, I’d at least consider it.   If they showed me evidence, then I’d concede that point.   If I do the same with them, they  get emotional, angry,  and unreasonable.  They want to end the conversation, put their fingers in ears and ignore what I said, or escalate to the point of arguing.   I’ve tried pointing out what they were doing and there’s usually some sympathizer or beta male simp that steps in and asks me to just “let it go.”

This has happened with with white women, but I don’t really have too many white friends, but it happens a lot with black women.  It’s as if they seriously can’t handle being wrong….about anything.   I’ve had friendly conversations with almost every black woman I’m close to suddenly turn south if I begin to encroach on them being wrong about something.   Oddly, they won’t hesitate to tell me if I’m wrong or about the wrong that everybody else says or does.

My male friends may debate, we might flat out argue, but it doesn’t get to point of breaking down the conversation.  We respect each other and while we don’t insult each other with ad hominem attacks.   We explain our points of views, try to get support from people that’s around, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t even come close to getting into a fist fight.   To cap this point, a co worker and I were debating some topic one day and a female co worker heard us.   We were getting loud, but neither felt insulted nor even close to wanting to actually fight each other.   She heard us and was like “calm down guys, you’re getting upset.”   We both looked at her like she was crazy because her tone showed that she was serious.

I noticed this before I became red pill.  But now it makes sense when I hear men say that you should never argue or debate with a woman.  Before I thought it was just sexist drivel.  As if women can’t have a civil debate without getting too emotional.   But now I realize that (from my experience) they can’t.   I also now realize that it’s why PUA’s say to appeal to their emotions rather than their logic.   Logical points are only used to support the emotional state you’re trying to invoke.   It does explain why my wife’s boyfriends  (my God I’m pathetic right now….gentlemen don’t get married and have kids, trust me on this)   were so effective in getting her to cheat.  I always told her that they tell you what you want to hear, while I tell you what you need to hear.

 

 

The science of an affair

I read an article about why women have affairs and it seems that many many women will cheat regardless of what you do for them.  Apparently, it’s a fantasy, and their narcissitc egos crave the attention, passion, and taboo that affairs bring.   They are like addictions.   Note, I realize that men do this too, but I’m writing from the perspective of a man that this happened to.

I also read that they all follow a similar pattern and both spouses and lovers often seem to think that their ‘love’ is different.   The claim is that the same words, sentiments, and behaviors are predicatable the vast majority of the time.   People involved in affairs often become powerless to stop them regardless of the pain they cause, risk of humiliation, and destruction to their lives.

It’s a sad mix of pleasure and pain that too many people find themselves caught up in. Families, homes, faithful spouses, and children get destroyed.   And the worst thing is that very few people take responsibility for their role in the carnage.   In fact, of the ones that do, it seems that most either find some excuse to justify what they did or look at as an “oops, by bad” type of deal.   People are truly shitty.

Regardless of whether it was their intention or not to begin, the people who engage in these disgusting acts, don’t seem to self reflect.   The article I read talked about men who engaged with married women.   They seem to think that they are somehow ‘saving’ the woman from her marriage.   That he’s better than the husband.  Or they take pleasure out of knowing that they can get her to leave.    These pathetic losers seem to be under some sort of delusion, that they’ve found their one.   Half of them are willing to take on the responsibilty of taking care of her and (often the kids) while the other half just like it for the no strings sex.  Many married women for some reason want to be their freakiest for these men.  In their minds, they want these single men to be addicted to them.  They become addicted to the fact they want them so bad even though they are unattainable.   It’s a clusterfuck of egoism, lust, and selfishness.   The worst thing is that even if they are self aware to know that it is what it is, they are addicted to the feelings and can’t let it go.

They are trapped in the feelings and sin.  The regular marriage can’t sustain, nor ever come close to recreating that high, and it’s pretty much fucked from there.  These men stupidly think that they can maintain that high, not realizing that the only reason it was so intense is because she was married in the first place.   They stupidly fall in love thinking that they are somehow different.   That their dicks are actually bigger, that she actually loves him more, that her acceptance of him is anything more than a fantasy.   Apparently many of them get their hearts broken when the wife decides that her family is really more important.   Also common is if the husband leaves her for good, she doesn’t want the affair partner anymore.   She might hang on for a little while, until she can find someone else, but she often finds that the ‘grass really isn’t greener’ for her.

Everyone ends up getting hurt.   They both (the affair partner nor the wife) doesn’t realize that the intensity of the affair actually ruins any chance for a real relationship because those highs can never be realized once the side relationship becomes the main one.   In fact, the side guy, (if single) may never understand this, but the cheating wife has become damaged goods as she won’t be able to get as ‘high’ off of a regular relationship anymore.   He’s in real danger of her seeking that “high” again be searching for an affair partner.  It’s why they say that once a cheater, always a cheater.   Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but everyone thinks that they are an outlier.  The common factor is that if the husband she left was really a pretty good man, she was just bored and was getting high off the validation.

The question is, though, is it worth it to ruin a family, children, your integrity, and ultimately yourself for such a small chance.  I suppose that at the time, it seems like a sure bet.  Most people don’t research these things until it’s too late and even then, it simply becomes, “oops, My bad.”

Many of the people who go into these situations never thought it would get to this.   This knowledge really should be a part of pre-martial counceling.   It’s a silent marriage killer and many people might avoid the temptation if they only knew how easily addictive and consuming affairs can become.   Unfortutely, it’s not talked about much, and the shame and stigma (as it should be) prevent people from talking openly about their experience.  It’s only often years of self reflection that people can really look back and say how they messed up.

It might be too late for my wife.   I still pray for her and it seems like she’s getting it finally, but I think she’s still in the ‘fog’.    We should also realize that affairs and extra-maritial sex is very likely going to be a part of the deal when married.   I didn’t realize this.  At the time of getting married, I always thought that this would be a deal breaker.   I’m afraid that this entire episode has tainted me in a way that now I’m thinking that this is ‘normal’ behavior and should be expected.   Experience has taught me that it’s still hard to walk away after you’ve invested so much and that your ego can take quite a beating if you love your family unit.   It’s amazing how much we can/will endure when we think about the pain our kids will face if we just call it quites.   Those vows mean a lot more than, I just love you until you start acting like an unapologetic asshole.

Marriage is playing life on “hard mode”.   It’s hard turn on the ‘off switch’ and just stop loving someone.   From that aspect I can understand how it’s hard to just stop having an affair once feelings get involved.   I’d imagine that it would be even harder because you experience that “in love” feeling on steroids due to the illicit nature and ‘openness’ that affair parnters generally have with one another.   When dating while single, you guard your heart a bit more and it takes time to tear those walls down.   While married, your heart is a bit more open. It’s easier to open up because you know that you have someone else to fall back to if this relationship fails.   In addition, having a loving spouse at home validates you enough that you can either take or leave this relationship at any time, so it makes you more courageous and confident.   This further feeds both parties.   The spouse may feel more courageous, confident, and powerful than they’ve ever felt and along with the dopamine spikes due to honeymoon phase love, they feel unstoppable.   The affair partner is drawn to this openness and the ability to sync with someone so easily.   Marriage seems to be a springboard to having really intense outside relationships and sexual experiences.  Unfortunately, they often come with a heavy price to someone else.

With the knowledge that a wayward spouse could have such an intense experience with someone else, that once engaged, they are pretty much powerless to stop, and that they can experience highs with someone else that they never did or ever could with you, marriage is a dangerous place to put yourself in.   How much more so if they are unaware, or unreflective enough to realize this?  Your love is like comparing smoking weed to injecting heroin directly into their veins.   They often can’t or won’t realize this and will continue chasing that high.   They will feel that they are just settling because you can’t bring them to that level of high anymore.   Even if the affair partner ‘wins’ them, they won’t be able to sustain them for long.   This explains way wayward spouses generally waffle between the spouse and affair partner.   Regular relationships can’t compare to the high that the illictness and safety that having multiple partners offer.  They ate of the ‘forbidden fruit’ and can’t be satisfied anymore.    The tragedy is that the faithful spouse’s heart is sacrificed for them to have that experience.   Of course they will never realize nor appreciate it.

Hopefully knowledge of this can help, but most people don’t care enough to look into things like this.   Even if they come across it, they are so wrapped up with the other person, they can’t think straight and the advice will fall on to deaf ears.   They will think that they are the outliers or they really just don’t give a fuck at that point.

Knowing all of this, I stand by my new found revelation that romantic love and marriage isn’t really worth it.   I mean, people cheat, have affairs, chase highs, and it doesn’t really matter how good their intentions are in the beginning, people will ultimately go back to being shitty individuals.

The only thing I can do is pray for my wife at this point and hope she can see things for what they are and that God will deliver her from this trap.   Or pray for the strength to move on.  It still sucks to know that infidelty is very often and increasingly becoming a part of the modern marriage.   Without fidelify, trust, and respect, what’s the point?

 

 

 

 

 

No off switch

Who the hell wants to fall into addiction.   Sure, the first few months are magical.   Being high makes you feel like you can conquer the world.   Music sounds better.  Times are fun and great.  You have a mental sharpness unlike anything you’ve ever known.   You’re a better person on that drug and you feel great about it.   Yeah, you might lose money, sleep, and time, but what does it matter.   The sacrifice is worth it.

Only it isn’t.   Once you become dependent on the drug, you’re no longer using it to feel good.  You’re using it to feel normal.   Without it, you feel bad.   Often you require more and more of it in order to feel normal.  Your money, time, and resources are spent to procure it.   Your work, relationships, and life suffers.   You are obsessed with getting it.

Sounds a lot like falling in love.   It’s about like addiction.   I have no idea why people want to play around like that and put themselves in the position to be dependent on someone else for their happiness.   People can say that their independent all they want, but I guarantee that if the person you’re “in love” with screws around on you or wants to break up, you’ll be crushed.   The deeper in love, the harder it is to get over it.   Why do people crave this.    The lows are lower than the highs.   There is no off button to falling out of love on your own.  There’s no magic switch that you can flip to stop loving that cheater, asshole, liar.  No matter what they do.

I’m trying to get off cold turkey.   This is so hard and I feel so stupid for loving someone who not only doesn’t love me, but humiliated me.   Once I’m over it….I’m over it.       Lesson learned.  Say NO to drugs and infatuation.

 

Flawed Design

Lately, I’ve been thinking and wondering why it seems to important to go out and get women. First of all, apparently, I don’t know if I’m built for this. I’m not an ‘alpha’ male, but I’m not quite a ‘beta’ male either. I actually hate the term “alpha” and “beta” when it comes to describing people because it generally just refers to personality types. Some people are naturally type A’s, some type B’s, and many have traits of both in any given circumstance.

I’m not built for this because I’m not really that selfish. I like to consider other people’s feelings too. I’m a team player and believe in cooperation, equality, and fairness on a fundamental level. I believe in compromise and working together to make our experience as dope as possible. So I co lead. You do your part, I’ll do mine. Let’s do this together, not let’s do what I want to do and you can get on board of get out of the way.

I’m becoming jaded and bitter at women in general. I’m starting believe AWALT (all women are like that). I’m not materialistic. I don’t believe in traveling as a status symbol. I don’t want to work and waste my time building an empire to buy material things like huge houses and luxury cars. I’d rather spend my free time learning an instrument, practicing capoeira, working out, reading books, playing video games, teaching my son, and living a simple life.

I don’t want to spend my life running the rat race for material. Buying things that I don’t want to impress people I don’t like. I can admire the huge house on the hill or the nice fancy cars without desiring to have those things myself.

But yet television, social media, dating app profiles are just reminders that most women are into those very things. It seems that they’ve been programmed to feel deserving of those things. Whether they work for them or not. They want a man that’s also as material as them.

I feel fortunate and even blessed to live in such a time of comforts and technology. A time where we can have hot showers, eat pretty much whatever we want when we want, drive a car to far destinations, watch television. I have pretty much the sum of human information in the palm of my hand. I can strap on a VR headset and go to an entirely different world if I want. When it’s cold outside, I can sit in comfort of heat in my apartment living room. When it’s hot, I can just crank up the AC to around 70 degrees. I mean a middle class person in America today lives better than Kings and Queens did some 200 years ago. We live (comfort wise) better than 99% of the population in the history of the world.

But yet so many people are unsatisfied. They want more. No, they feel that they deserve more. Educated black women are some of the most entitled and spoiled women on this planet. They seem to think that their insignificant jobs somehow entitle them to live like an actual queen by modern day standards. Anything less is settling. God forbid if this job gives them a nice income. As if being a project manager in some corporate organization is actually changing the world or helping humanity or something.

To them, ambition is about getting titles, accolades, salary, luxury. They’ve bought in to this system hook, line, and sinker. Any man not plugged in, wanting to be plugged in, or under the delusion is not a man to them. Money, power, and material ambition is what they desire in a man. That desire is to show their girlfriends that they are better than them somehow.

The typical 30 something year old woman in Atlanta has this profile. They work in some sort of middle class job making pretty decent money. Maybe a nurse or some corporate job. They have 1 or 2 kids. Drive some sort of luxury vehicle. They have a 250k to 300k house. They are on their phones constantly. They love reality tv and the show power. They love to travel. They claim to love cooking. Many of them are boring as all get out as in they have no hobbies. They are strong and you can’t tell them anything. They claim that their kids are their world (as they should be, but that doesn’t really leave much time for you to date them). Most are overweight or obese. They love drinking wine on weekends and on a typical Friday night are glued to their phones texting beta orbiters and gossiping /complaining to their girlfriends about where did all the real men go. They have a Micheal Coors or Gucci Bag that costs more than what they have in the bank. They take stupid selfies of themselves in some foreign land as if being well traveled and cultured is the same thing.

The thing is, why would any single man want to really be serious about these women to begin with. I mean outside of sex, what are they bringing to the table? We don’t need their money. We don’t like doing the same things. We’re not really trying to play step daddy to another man’s kids. They are too demanding. They will never love us for us, just what we can do or what they think we can do for them. They are difficult to get along with. They don’t like trying new things unless it’s something they can go back and brag to their friends about. The sex will eventually dry up if you do get into a relationship. They expect vacations, big houses, us to have nice cars too…..even if we don’t care for those things.

They’ll cheat as soon as some more attractive guy gives them the validation they’re looking for. They’ll hold any flaw you have against you once they get used to you and use that as an excuse to monkey branch to the next best thing. Regardless of what you do for them.

Then you ask about their baby fathers. They either got pregnant by the bad boys which means that they make bad decisions. If he left her, then she’s probably always going to be attracted to him so it’s always a threat he could sneak back in to the picture while you’re out working.

Or she simply left her ‘nice guy’ husband in search of greener grass which makes you question her morals. He’ll still be there in the picture for his kids and you never know if she’ll finally see the light and get her family back together as the kids probably want that. They’re going to hate you for trying to take his place.

Even still, they walk around here thinking that just because guys will sleep with them means that they are ‘deserving’ of a guy who has it all. What I mean by entitled is that they don’t bring anything significant to the table, but are still in a perpetual state of grass is greener. They think that their travel experience, education, or salary somehow makes them a prize or catch. They don’t realize that these qualities are very common in Atlanta. In fact, real men, don’t really place much weight on these things. I mean these are not attributes, they are what you’re supposed to be doing anyway.

While they might be nice, what we value more is looks (lose the weight), character, loyalty, morals, the ability to love in spite of flaws, self reflection, sense of adventure, appreciation for simplicity, willingness to learn, a real relationship with the MOST HIGH, the ability to self reflect, and unselfishness. The ability to make life interesting without having to rely on drama. Not being caught up with having to keep up with the jones’s. Humbleness and beauty without the arrogance and thirst trap behavior. Things that normal people should do.

These women are greedy, selfish, entitled, boring, and either don’t know or won’t admit it. They are arrogant, thirsty for attention, and undeserving divas.

They give the best of themselves to men who don’t appreciate them and they have no attraction for the men who would. They are addicted to drama and find stability as boring and unfulfilling. They can’t seem to figure out how to find fulfillment or contentment in a stable household without losing attraction to their man. Unless of course, he’s bringing in a lot of money. But even then, that usually requires a lot of working hours, but then they complain and cheat because he’s never there.

It’s important for men to realize that most modern women are just designed to be unhappy. Putting your heart into one is like trying to tame a wild tiger. Marrying one is like putting on a pork chop jacket and trying to tame one.

Knowing this is their nature, the only real option is to seek out and have fun with younger ones who don’t have anything and haven’t been hardened by reality. Even though it’s catch and release, at least they don’t have all the miles and baggage yet.

Many 30 something year olds are still beautiful physically, but inside, most are a cluster fuck of unrealistic expectations, emotional damage, and bad attitudes. From my observation, years of buying into this system has killed their souls. They are in essence, the walking dead.

Redpill … A tough pill to swallow

Ok, so I know that my wife is the stereotypical woman that redpill men bemoan in their literature, videos, and podcasts.   I know that she’s a liar.  I know that she lacks empathy.  I know that she doesn’t/can’t really understand the concept of loyalty or love.   I know that she’s shallow, vain, probably depressed, and needs drama.   I’ve met women since the breakdown of our marriage who I’ve had much better conversations with.    I know that there are prettier women out there.   She’s not really all that.   I know that we’re just not really that compatible overall.   I know that she’s selfish, secretive, a bad communicator, untrustworthy, and overall, not good wife material.  I know that her being sexually attracted whatever the flavor of the season is means that she’s literally loses her mind and will drop everything and everyone else to chase that thing.   Family is less important than fulfilling her sexual desires.   It’s not even a physical thing, it’s emotional and her emotions override everything including family, her morals (or lack thereof), and principles (except her princess mentality).  I now know that she’s not who she presented herself as so it was inevitable that she’d 180 on me.

But yet and still, I find myself having moments of weakness praying that our family works out.  Even though it appears that she doesn’t.   I mean why do I feel so bad about this.   I can own up to my end of the breakdown.   I didn’t know a women’s nature was to monkey branch.  Nor that that I had to make a better attempt to guess at and control her emotions.  Nor that I shouldn’t have loved her with my heart.  Nor that nothing dries the coochie faster than being a good man.  I didn’t know that being nice to her was turning her off.   I gave away my power and she got wicked drunk off it.

I, like most ‘good’ husbands,  got cheated on and left because we just didn’t know.   And like most of those guys, I have to face the consequences of my ignorance.

I take a bit of solace knowing that I’m not alone.  It does take some of the edge off knowing that dysfunction is the new norm.  That women can’t ever be happy or content with neither an alpha nor a beta male.   I thought I was over it, but whenever I think she’s talking to her new victim, I still get hurt and angry.  When she lies to me, it still bothers me.

How can loving someone cut so deep.   Have I been around her so long that I’m doing like her?   I am allowing my emotions to override my reasoning to the point of self destruction.   I’m sitting her feeling bad while she’s out there chasing butterflies.   I know that she doesn’t have the capacity to understand how important or big losing our family is to me or our son.   I know that she isn’t self reflective enough to realize that she acts colder and less responsible (in her day to day obligations related to what’s left of the family) when she’s out chasing butterflies and setting up her next victim.

I just want to be over this.

 

 

 

 

What the cuck is that

So after moving out, the wife and I seem to be getting along pretty ok.   Still no sex even though she hugs me more.   She came over last week and we sort of made out on the couch.  Still though, I’m not really trying to schedule any dates with her.   She’s even being a bit more open with her phone.   I did happen to see that ‘what’s app’ is still one of her most commonly used app in her list so I’m assuming she’s still contacting dj douche fairly frequently.

She calls me quite often just to see what i’m up to.  I think I gotta stop being so damn available all the time.   On one hand, I don’t call her, I just let her call me unless it has to do with the kid.   Things are starting to normalize, a bit more.   Our son seems to be getting used to the new arrangement even though he does have bouts of sadness here and there.

She seems to think that she can just two time me and we should just be cool.   Obviously I’m not ok with this arrangement.   I’m not taking her out on dates, I’m not working on anything as long as that asshole is in the picture.  If she wants sex, then we can do that, for now.     TBH, I don’t want to divorce, but at the same time, I don’t want her ‘dating’ or connecting with him emotionally either.   If she wants to eat cake, then why shouldn’t I.   Perhaps I haven’t come across a woman who I really want to make time for.   I suppose that I should keep praying for her to see that our family should be a priority and that the biggest reason we can’t work on things is because of her “friend”.   But on the other hand, as time goes on, and I accept that this marriage is fucked because of how she lacks boundaries, I don’t know if I want it.

If she decides in a month or two that she wants to work on things after hooking up with DJ Douche, I don’t want her back.   Why are some women so damn stupid and difficult?  Does she really think that she can put me on back burner while she goes out and fuck with other dudes?  That really lowers her value to me.   Knowing that another man is fucking my wife.   Eww.  It’s disgusting to think that his fat sweaty ass could be dripping cisco off his pores onto her during sex.    And she wants me to take her back after that?  Sex is supposed to something only between us and at the end of the day, if she’s just going to be out her fucking other guys, then she’s nothing more than a jump off who happens to be a baby mama.   Knowing that our family and my feelings is less important and fulfilling some carnal desire (happiness?) makes her so much less of a prize to me.   Unfortunately, this is not about her, but our family.   Why can’t she just realize that.

Deep in the recesses of my mind, I’m actually starting to normalize this dysfunction.  It’s scary to think that I might possibly take her back after that.    This isn’t marriage.    Why stay faithful if we can just ‘step out’ on each other if we suddenly feel the urge or have the ability to hook up with other people.

As much as I hate the idea of finding someone who I could possibly fall for, I want to in order to make sure I either won’t want her back or at least feel like we’re even.   It makes it harder to pray for our marriage though if I’m out screwing around too.   It pisses me off that a grown assed black man would interfere with a marriage even if the wife makes herself available to him.   He knows how important it is for a black boy to have his father in his life.  He knows that having an in tact household is important.   He’s acting like a straight up bitch allowing his emotions to override his sense of right/wrong.   I blame them both.  She made vows with me, but he is enabling her to destroy her home.  He may justify and say that she’s not happy.  I’m not exactly happy either.  But having an emotional affair isn’t the way to address that.

I’m learning that people in today’s time don’t care about anyone but themselves.   We as black people don’t need that shit right now if want to get out of this hole that America has put us in.   In my mind, it starts with family.   If we want to change the culture as a whole, we have to start within our own homes.   In that sense, we should be our ‘brother’s keepers.’

I don’t think he realizes that we still have a pretty decent chemistry as far as getting along and that space will probably draw us together.  I think that if he does happen to somehow get in to a relationship with her, then she’ll think the ‘grass is greener’ back over here after she gets used to him.  Plus the taboo of doing it would probably drive her over the edge.   TBH, I’d fuck her out of spite over that.  I mean she’s my wife and all, but my biggest fear has already been realized.  I’ve already been humiliated in one of the worst ways possible by her.   So at the end of the day, if he was willing to destroy our home just (for “love” or sex) then why wouldn’t I return the favor.  I mean doesn’t he realize that if she’s willing to cheat with him (and destroy her family in the process), then she’d be willing to cheat on him.   Messy Jerry Springer type ish for sure, but since I don’t really have the option of putting my hands on him the next best thing is to wreck the ‘best thing’ in his life.

I can’t but feel dirty in this whole situation.   These feelings of confusion,vengeance and pain and hatred feel like my soul is darker somehow.   I feel lost.  How could something that started off so beautiful end up so disgusting?   In the end, I guess that it’s what happens when you deal with the modern women who’s addiction to dysfunction and drama puts you into these positions.