I’m not AntiVax

But I am a bit worried to take the vaccination. I don’t know why. It’s a really odd thing that pretty much all of the people pushing me to take the vaccination are women and the vast majority are liberal black women. There are a few liberal white women who also made a case. Maybe this is because the vast majority of women I know personally are black and liberal.

The media is really hyping this thing up as well. Radio stations, commercials, and I’ve even seen a few videos online talking about how important it is. Now you have the president offering $100 for people to take it. Even a few conservatives (Sean Hannity) are starting to tell us all to take it. Given the experts “CDC” and doctors all on board, you’d think that I’d also be on board with it. They are the experts after all and know way more about it than me.

I’ve heard great arguments and reasons as to why I should take it. I really have no rebuttal for it. In the face of so much advocacy from people that I generally respect from an intellectual level, plus the incentives. Plus people will finally shut the fuck up about it if I do…. I don’t know why I’m so resistant to taking it. Something just seems off. I’m not sure.

I haven’t heard any good reason as to why I shouldn’t take it. I mean sure, I’ve heard the conspiracy theories about 5G interference and the occasional story about people having adverse reactions to it. And there is also the videos about how magnets stick to the injection site on the body. But to me, it’s not enough to counter the reasonable arguments laid out by those who advocate it.

Still though. Something just seems off. Maybe I’m suspicious about how hard they are pushing it. Countered easily by, “because it is really that serious.” I’m not saying that it isn’t that serious.

Maybe because it is THAT SERIOUS i am hesitant about putting a weakened version of such a strange disease in my body on purpose. This whole covid thing is so different than everything I thought I knew about viruses. In the beginning, we kept hearing so much conflicting information about it. I get it, we learn more about it as time progresses and ‘leadership’ had to respond “in real time” to an unfolding crisis. Mistakes, misunderstadings, and misinformation happens….especially considering we have to reactive to the unknown unknowns.

It’s just something about taking it that literally makes me feel a bit queasy in my gut. “Gut instincts”. Or am i just being paranoid. Maybe it’s my subconscious fear of needles. I never took the flu shot. But i never got the flu…..except that one time I did take it.

I know that people get covid and die from it. I actually know of people who died from it. I’ve heard the stories. I believe them. But even knowing that, my stomach still feels like throwing up a little when I think about that needle being injected into me. Something seems a bit dystopian about it.

I’m really on the fence about taking it. Most of the closest women in my life are really worried and want me to take it. Conversely, the guys ….even the ones who took it aren’t really advocating that hard. Most are like….oh ok I took it because I had to for a job or something. Some just say they took it because of the news or already had underlying health conditions, but seem to be still somewhat on the fence about it.

I have no reason to believe that it’s a conspiracy on a mass scale. I joke about it being the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. Or that it’s getting us conditioned for the “mark of the beast” or something. I don’t really want to delve deep into research into why I shouldn’t take it as not to give myself bad information.

Maybe I’m worried about nothing. I’m usually not a conspiracy theorist so to speak even though I have a bit of mistrust for the government as a necessary evil. I damn sure wouldn’t want to die from covid though. I don’t know, something just feels off and I can’t put my finger on it. I’d never tell anyone not to take it. But idk. For me something doesn’t seem right. Since I can’t say what it is for sure, maybe it’s just all in my head.

Funny how that works

God knew what he was doing when he decided not to give this one the gift of Gab. I’m sort of a quiet guy, but I can keep up with conversations. I’m good at ‘listening’, understanding, and evaluating points of views. I’m an empathic sort of guy. But I’m not a storytelling, impromptu speech, joke telling life of the party type. I do get frustrated at times with people who talk too damned much and have no problem with telling stories about what they know all the time.

Some long winded people have a problem with just shutting it off. They can stretch a 30 second message out to 10 minutes with no pauses with no problems. For me, with most people, its a bit of a struggle to shut off my brain and just talk. If I don’t have any business or an agenda, it’s a bit problematic to start a conversation. Once started, I can generally flow, but as far as pulling a flowing conversation out of my ass, it’s a bit of a struggle sometimes.

In certain ways, I envy those who can just do that. Even though I can understand humor and get it it when I hear it. I could write out a joke if I sat there and thought about it for long enough. But being funny and telling jokes tend to happen like hiccups with some people. I don’t know how their minds are geared towards that type of thinking. It doesn’t even seem like they are thinking about it. It’s like how as I type this now, it sort of just happens.

I can do this with a few people. But it’s very few and far between when I meet someone where the vibe is like that. If there is a such thing as a soul mate, I’d think that I could do it with her. I met this girl once on a dating app and we had that type of connection. For some reason, our conversations were like a improv show and even though we had no idea how we got there, we just ended up saying a lot of funny things to each other. We had that sort of vibe. I realize that there is more to a relationship than just that, it didn’t work out between us because we were both busy and really shouldn’t have been trying to date. Plus she gave off a few red flags. But I’m thinking that if I found someone like that with mutual attraction, it might be worth exploring.

That said though, one of the greatest minds I know….. The late, great, comedian Patrice O’Neil…. one of the godfathers of the redpill community once said that in order to keep a woman, you gotta be able to 1)make her laugh and 2)care more about yourself more than her. I can sort of do both with my lover, but not as much as I’d like to. It’s easier to fake the latter and the former is hit or miss with her. I do have a lot of hits, but not as much as I’d like to feel secure with her.

I will say though, that when a woman is attracted to you for whetever reason, she laughs at a lot of shit you might say even if you personally don’t find it “that funny”.

I agree with Patrice though. Being funny (in a smart way) is key in attracting women. It’s a necessary ingredient in game, sales, and human interactions in general. Unfortunately, my funny bone appears to be sprained. I can’t even think of the last time I said anything funny to STBXW. I don’t try, but still, even though I don’t want her back, it would be great to be able to do that. If I could combine who I am now with a better sense of humor and with the gift of gab….I’d be killing it out here. I think.

For the most part, I am pretty happy with myself. I could stand to make a little more money, but in the scheme of things I can take care of myself financially. I think I look pretty decent, I’m a decent height, I feel like I’m pretty decent in the sack, and I’m fairly intelligent. I also think I have a good heart and I am pretty loyal. So not a bad catch….. but just an average guy. If i could increase two attributes about myself it would be to increase how funny I am and being able to small talk myself into some pussy more.

What’s frustrating is that it seems that it’s not an impossible task, but yet it eludes me. It’s like walking, seeing people being able to run, but being unable to do so myself.

My talents are more kinetic. Like boxing or taekwondo or kickboxing. I’m just good at it. Even though everyone can punch and kick, I just get and understand “how” to do it right. I’m a pretty good teacher at it even though I’m not a pro. I just “get it”. Once someone shows me how to do it, I can just do it and it “feels” right. I can’t seem to get that “feeling” when it comes to being funny. The worst part is that I can “feel” it with certain people, so I’ve felt it before, but I just can’t seem to generate it with most people. I can just ‘feel’ the ‘how’ in a lot of things like cooking, art, dancing, sex, and with practice, I can get really good. But with humor, I can’t quite feel the “how”. Like I find it frustratingly difficult to tap into it on the fly. I almost got it, but something isn’t quite…..

It’s like something just isn’t clicking. Like when you start a car and the battery is almost dead, and it just won’t turn over. It’s like almost….but not quite. It feels like a certain “spark” is missing. I’ve often felt that if I could just get that ‘spark’. Or that connection to whatever it is, I could feel, do it, and be pretty damned good at it.

It’ s like right there in front of my face, just right out of grip. I can touch it with my fingertips, but instead of grabbing it, it sort of just bobbles away.

I dont have to be Bill Burr, Dave Chapelle or anyone….just like I don’t have to be a Floyd Mayweather or Vasyly Lomachenko. I’d be good with being me at whatever level or capacity that I do it at. I don’t have to be the best that ever did it, just competent enough to do it when I wanted to without relying on vibing with ‘the right’ people or drugs or alcohol.

In fact, I probably wouldn’t drink as much if I could just do that. I don’t really feel nervous around people. I don’t hate people. I’m not an extrovert, but my introversion isn’t affected too much as I’m not around the same people all day very often. I wonder if there is anything I can do to just get it to click. I’ve been struggling with this issue since college and it’s no need to beleive that i can figure it out, but it seems like such a trivial or tiny thing that needs to click and I’d have it.

For me, I don’t think this is a matter of practice, which is why I don’t really care to study canned aspects of “the game”. I think it’s a matter of just having the right feeling to access that creativity. Again, I can do it, I’ve ‘felt’ it. I’ve done it. I just need to be able to do it when I feel like it.

What is it?

Noone is Entitled

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably not worthy of anyone’s love. I mean I’m not entitled to it. It’s theirs to give and take as they please. It’s a bit of a grave realization. But an aha moment. Romantic relationships are all just superficial at best.

I believe that you’re entitled to what you earn financially, but you can’t really earn love. It has to be freely given. And just because you give it, a person isn’t required to give it back to you. But even in the case of entitlement, life is sometimes unfair and history has shown that people aren’t always recompensated for what they are owed.

I think that our modern society does a pretty decent job a compensating people for what they are entitled to financially if they put the work in. It’s not a perfect system, but in general, the courts can and usually will enforce contractual financial obligations.

There are no real checks and balances when it comes to matters of the heart though. Unfortunately, if you don’t realize this, you’re in deep ish when you start going out here expecting that people will ‘act right’ in accordance to some noble ideas of justice when it comes to love. Who is going to reinforce it? karma? God? It all seems pie in the sky as quite often, well intentioned people get the shit end of the stick with no payback for those who exploit their weakness.

It seems to me that lust and attraction are the only leverage you have in this game. If you can get people to fall in love, that’s power. But falling in love is foolish and dangerous. Even if you manage to find a situation where “in love” is reciprocated, there are no guarantees. Lust and emotions are fleeting and there is no justice out here.

I fear falling so bad. Yet, it seems that I may be prone to it for some reason. Perhaps i’m a co-dependent. Maybe low self esteem. Possibly fear of being alone. Yet it feels so good to think that I have someone in love with me. Dangerous because should they take it away, it feels that a part of me goes missing. I really have no business in relationships. I love too much….but it isn’t love. It’s a chemical dependency on a person’s admiration and desire to want me. I must be damaged. But am I realistic or toxic for not wanting a person to have THAT kind of power over me. People these days are all about self, just saying.

There seems to be much selfishness in love. At least in a conventional sense. I become possessive out of fear of them leaving. Yet i want to give them a choice. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Why am I craving something that I know will most likely end up destroying me. Why does my version of self love depend on if someone else loves me or not? Yeah. I am toxic.

It seems that I only deserve those who I can attract for that moment. Why then worry about things that I don’t have much control over.

This is why I have to put myself out there so to speak. In this game, I guess it’s ok to lie, cheat, and say whatever it takes. It goes against everything I stand for as far as standing on truth. Yet it seems to be a dog eat dog world. Perhaps narc’s have it right. Maybe my dad and STBXW are right. Love don’t love nobody. It ain’t about love, it’s about who you can attract and attach to you.

This is quite a disturbing thought and it vexes my spirit. Is this just bitterness? Is it growth?

Apathy is truly way

The stbxw has been a real bitch lately. She lies so much. Witholds so much information. Wants my honesty and transparency, but refuses to be so herself. The car insurance company called me this morning asking about a car accident she had on the way back to New York. I told them to call her because I wasn’t there. I texted her and told her to call them. She called me. So I asked her what happened and she asks ‘why’ do you want to know. Just asking. “It’s none of your business.” she says.

It pissed me off. I can’t lie. Especially considering I caught her in another lie this weekend. UGH this chick is so toxic. I’m not sure what the fuck happened to her as she never acted like this in the beginning…..but i have a theory.

I think this is putting us in a sort of spiral where she gets some sort of twisted satisfaction in pissing me off.

I know it sounds crazy….and it might be… but here’s what I’m thinking.

She knows that she has taken the moral low road and probably can’t really recover. She knows that she burned the bridge down and it’s mostly her fault. It pisses her off that she isn’t seen as the ‘hero’ of the story. She knows that I KNOW what she did.

At this point, it’s like the only thing she can do to me is piss me off. Her only power/leverage left with me is to make me angry or hurt me by playing unfairly. And she’ll do it…. for as long as she can. I think this is subconscious on her behalf. This is why she doesn’t argue nor defend herself. She doesn’t make logical sense and there really is no point in seeking understanding from her. She doesn’t need to make sense. She isn’t looking for truth, understanding, nor to get along even.

Her entire goal is to either hurt, confuse, throw me off, or piss me off. She gets off on that from an emotional standpoint. She wants me to submit to her and the only time she seems nice or cordial is when I “thank”her for something. … they call that conditioning.

She’s become like her former AP in a sense. Manipulative, immoral, and soulless. I peeped the manipulation in him as he tried to probe me for weaknesses the few times we spoke. She’s not as logical nor verbal as him, but I was able to see it in him. I couldn’t work with him as I recognize that game. She gets a bit of emotional relief from getting negative emotions from me as it’s the only way she can get to me. If i don’t give it to her, she’s going to try to get it. But i digresss.

The best way to deal with her is to just ignore her completely. I cannot work with her nor take anything she says seriously. I can’t expect anything from her. I have to treat her like a child. Well, an adult child. I have to acknowledge her and play like I respect her. When she does stupid shit….or try to play mind games….. just completely ignore her. Grey rock. I can’t tell her how/why I disagree with what she says. Don’t try to correct, negotiate, chastise, educate or anything.

It’s going to make co-parenting a huge challenge. But her whole objective is to piss me off and if she does that, she wins. Unapologetic apathy really is the only way out of this.

Karma or Consequences

      Stbxw dropped kiddo off this weekend.  I was hoping to talk with her and clear the air about everything.

      We talked on the phone, but didn’t see each other in person for long.    I was a little disappointed in that regard,  but I’m ok.

      I finally did get out almost everything i wanted to say.    I even let her talk.     I asked about karma and how she could move without fearing it getting baxk at her.

       She told me that she probably felt about as hurt from her ex ap’s rejection of her as i was from her cheating on me with him.

      Wow….talk about a slap in the gotdamned face.   Sooo despite that narc cheating with you,  leading u to betray me, and ultimately breaking and humiliating our family, she feels that her karma was losing him?

       I told her that her karma would have been her actually getting him.  

        I cant tell her how to feel, but WOW.    Man, that kind of stung.   Just saying,  it wasn’t like dude wasn’t wearing a redflag jersey.  

        It did cause me to ask myself tho if that is what ksrma is.   I mean, if you’re here driving down a road that you aren’t even supposed to be on and there are sign posts warning of an upcoming cliff and you just barrel through full speed ignoring all the signs….

     If you drive off the cliff…..is that karma?    Dunno.   Seems like she was in a play stupid games win stupid prizes kind of deal. 

Karma seems more like a way of humbling you in order to understand a deeper lesson.     She still seems selfish AF to me.    

       It blows my mind for her to think that losing him was her karma.  How TF does driving off a gotdamn cliff after being warned about it constitute karma?  If i get caught DUI and go to jail…despite me already knowing the dsnger and potential consequences….would karma be me killing someone or going to jail.   Or would it be simply the consequences of me doing stupid shit willfully.    

Karma just seems deeper than that and yet i cant quite put my finger on it. 

Losing our family wasn’t even enough to get a mention from her as far as regrets.  Splitting our home wasn’t even considered.    

She went futher to say that tho she realizes what she did was wrong, she turned did it because she was unhappy. That she was also wrong for not communicating her unhappiness with me….but she did what she felt she needed to do at the time to feel better….and that it did help.

And that she didnt care about working on the marriage. She didn’t care how i felt, but it wasn’t her intention to hurt me, though she felt resentment towards me.

She just wanted to feel better. Basically no regrets. She feels that it doesn’t make her a terrible person.

Personally, i still think its a pretty gotdamn shitty thing to do to a spouse who treated you well. Break your home while humiliating them in the process. All the while never even giving them a chance to fix or fight for the family. I mean this is some pretty terrible shit. No regrets about it nor the consequences makes her pretty terrible imho.

Our family wasnt worth even fighting for? She betrayed us…. for a person like him no less. And she feels bad because he “isnt a faithful dude”….(eye rolls.) …ma’am he was cheating with you.

What kind of sicko literally masturbates while listening in to two people on the phone discussing martial issues. Is this guy such a gotdamn loser that breaking up a family gets him off…. how did he even have the time for that shit? This is her king? What kind of woman even goes for that shit….. I cant respect her over that. She lacks character, integrity, self respect, intelligence, morals. How in the actual fuck did she think this was going to turn out well for her? And to betray your family over a loser like that?

     Though i appreciate her honesty on the whole situation…. it’s proof positive that she has 0 love for me or what she put me through.    Zero empathy.

      And though she said she was going to sign the papers after I told her how important to me it was.   I realize now that she gives 0 fucks about whats hurtful to me.    She’d probably do it if it  was convenient for her….or i suppose if he asked her to. Id be surprised if she actually does it.

         But the fact is that she had and still has no love for me and i think this is the hardest pill to swallow.   Its still as if I’m nothing to her.   

         Maybe im over thinking it.  I shouldn’t care anyway.  In a way, its helpful to know that she feels this way.   But it’s quite vexing that you could experience so many important life milestones with a person, had real love for them, and yet they feel more betrayed by the person they betrayed you for.

        I think that she’s lacking accountability in the matter.    She hasn’t really learned anything.    Consequences and accountability are two different things.    it seems that karma and Consequences are related, but not quite the same thing.

         But who am i to tell God/the universe/ the Most High how to do his job. Maybe it is her karma? I dont know.

She is who she is. I cant worry about it and i have to keep moving forward now armed with this information.

I have a weird feeling of liberation (further confirmation) that i must leave….but also hurt that thr loss of our family meant nothing to her.

Heavy Pants

It’s hard to remain positive towards STBXW. I don’t know what I ever really saw in her as a person. Just got off the phone with her and she’s supposed to be coming back this weekend to drop kiddo off. She still sort of throws my vibe off. I’m trying not to hate her, but it’s women like her who … ok people like her who ruin people for the next person. IT’s sad that they get to just live life oblivious to the destruction and pain they cause others. I’ve already come to the realization that karma may not exist and that she may never truly understand how deep she cut me. Our conversations these days are awkward at best, but usually cringy. She likes to try to make jokes and laugh, but I’m the serious one. I just can’t with her. I’m stuck in the frame of being the uptight prick while she seems to be in lala land without a care in the world. I hate that I hate this chick. Perhaps it’s my ego.

Perhaps it’s the fear that maybe she was right. Maybe I did deserve all of this somehow.

Still though, losing my family without so much as warning is a lot for a man to bear. Having to deal with her is sort of like picking at a wound and unfortunately, it seems that I’m going to have to carry this injury around for a while. It doesn’t hurt as much and the frequency is ever decreasing. But it still does pop up from time to time and I am reminded of how badly I fucked up when I decided to make her a part of my life. She hasn’t signed the papers yet. I have no clue what the hold up is. She claims that she doesn’t have time to do it. I told her it’s not fair to keep me in limbo like this. As usual, the acknowledged that I”mn right…..but still didn’t do a damned thing about it.

I have to watch my prayers as I’ve asked the most high to avenge me. I believe HE knows what’s best though. That is, if he’s even listening. Maybe I deserve this. I just need to get out of this slump. I’m not exactly lonely per se. There are things that I could and should be doing.

I gotta stay off of social media. Though I am truly happy for my friends and family who were able to maintain their marriages (I know it ain’t always easy….beleive me)…. but somehow, they manage to survive. I truly congratulate them and hope for the best for them. I am saddened by the loss of mine and it serves as a reminder as to why I’m not really on facebook anymore.

I just don’t understand how stbxw can be on social media….see her friends and family who still managed to maintain their families…and not feel a single bit of regret for destroying ours. I can’t feel sorry for her or people like her. I just don’t understand how people can recognize the evil in others (and even be offended by it) and yet manage to royally fuck something so basic up with no regrets.

Family is the staple of our community. It’s the very least we can do to give back to the community. It’s our duty and our responsibility. And yet this doesn’t seem to bother her one bit. My heart is metaphorically hurting right now. My family is gone. That witch destroyed it and it seems as if she simply doesn’t care.

I write here because I cannot share these feelings with anyone. It’s too heavy. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. Plus as a man this is my burden to bear. But shit, these strong shoulders feel a bit weary right now. I’m strong though. Gotta keep pushing.

“working on the weekend as usual”

Evil People

I was looking over some old photos last night saved in the cloud and came across some of the old screenshots I took of stbxw and her affair partner. I haven’t looked at them in a few years, but upon reflection, it killed ANY and ALL thoughts of any sort of possible reconciliation. I didn’t realize how much leverage I had at the time with those. I should have threatened to post them to social media or something if she didn’t move out.

This guy (her AP) was truly a sick individual. He was literally instructing her to wait until I got home to put me on speaker so that he can hear me talk to her. In a few messages, he said, wait until your husband gets home, tease him, frustrate him, make him upset. Then proceeded to tell her that he was jacking off as she fucked with me mentally. She did it. He instructed her to gaslight me….and she gladly did it. This guy was a real piece of shit. He was literally using my pain as a means to get off. And she willingly complied.

She did that to me. Her husband. Her so called best friend. Her son’s father. After all I did for her and kiddo. Her family. And as if she were under some sort of spell, she forgot who I was to her and how I had always been there. The sad thing is that she never showed any remorse for any of this shit. In some of the texts, she even complained about she felt as if I might be right…..he simply ignored it those and continued to instruct her to do these things…. I had some idea that something was going on, but I had no clue to the entire scope of her betrayal.

Yet, I’m supposed to forgive her. Perhaps I shouldn’t have looked back at them, but then again, as of late, I found myself becoming more and more open to possibly patching things up if she showed signs of remorse. NOPE the fuck out of that. Her soul must be dead. Really.

I mean I am the type of person who tries to look for the good in people. I mean I know no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. But to betray someone on that level is a sign of grave depravity. Demonic even. I could never trust her. Her conscious is completely off. There are always two or more sides to every story, but I cannot find any reasonable explanation or justification as to how in any way shape, form, or fashion she could be so fucking wicked to me like that. Again, I had and still have never done anything (even with my own infidelity in response to her after the fact) to deserve that.

My lover has been acting a bit differently as of late. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Even though I’ve repeatedly told her that if she wants to start seeing someone else, to let me know and jsut be honest…..I’m not sure if I can even trust her with those minimal requirements. I’m at the point to where any promises I’ve made to her as far as seeing others may be null and void. Love and relationships are a contact sport and yet there is no honor in them. Perhaps the saying is true…. ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.

I don’t want to get my hands any dirtier than they already are. STBXW hasn’t signed the papers yet. I need out of this marriage ASAP. Not even for my lover’s sake, but because I am tired of this dirty game. I can’t say that I’m innocent as I’ve already done things that I just naturally don’t do in response to those around me. How low am I sinking? I’m just tired of playing this game.

I used to be worried that STBXW would find a relationship and ‘happiness’ with someone before I did. Now, considering what she did, I don’t care if someone takes her on. In a way, her lack of remorse for the way she betrayed me and destroyed our family makes me realize that whoever decides to ‘wife’ her isn’t getting much in the way of a good woman. Not even a decent woman. I’m sure the love-bombing phase will be great if she can fool someone. And even if the new person works out in the long run. I KNOW what she did to ME. So even if she never feels guilty or that it was somehow ‘worth it’…. She has to live the rest of her life knowing what she did willfully. No remorse lets me know that she could NEVER be a good woman….she literally lacks the light. But even if she somehow becomes remorseful (assuming there is any light left in her), her sense of immense guilt would be her own karmic debt to repay. By that time, I wouldn’t care and truly hope to have moved on to apathy or possibly even empathy. Either way, good luck and good riddance.

I think I’m developing a sort of PTSD in light of all of this. There is just so much darkness in people and I feel myself sinking to that level just to survive. I do beleive that wickedness and secrecy and degeneracy comes along with attraction. But i’m not ready to sell my soul over for sex or to get a woman infatuated. I’ll keep fighting the good fight for now. At least as well as I can, but it’s going to be A WHILE before I even consider entertaining a relationship. Between this, all the of the infidelity stories, the redpill content, this whole alpha vs beta male (narc vs empath) and all those nuances, and overall degeneration of today’s relationships….. I just don’t trust people when it comes to matters of the heart. And i’m not sure if I even want to play that game. MGTOW monk mode along with the occasional tinder hookup seems to be the best alternative. There seems to be too steep of a price to pay for true intimacy.

Unfortunately, that’s what I love the most. I love love. But love is a drug and I need to kick the habit. Am i becoming as toxic as the rest of these demons out here?

Born to Simp

I’ve learned a lot from the manosphere in the past few years about how to view women from a red pill lens. It’s been quite informative and a lot of it makes sense. I bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Lately, however, I’ve been starting to have a few questions or even doubts.

Unfortunately, the thing that brings people to these spaces is usually some sort of trauma or deep emotional hurt. While I can say that it did bring me an immense amount of relief from my specific pain and suffering, I am starting to wonder how true some of this information is.

One idea in specific is the notion that men today are labeled with negative labels such as cuck, simp, or beta male if he is truly in love with one woman. It’s as if it’s unnatural for a man to want to be in a monogamous relationship with a single woman. And as if it’s somehow wrong for him to ‘only have eyes’ for one woman and to want to make her happy. They call it ‘one-itis’ or they’ll say it’s a symptom of having a ‘scarcity mindset.’ They’ll say it’s because we were raised by single mothers who gave us bad information. Or that it’s because feminism has ‘pussified’ us and that real men don’t fall in love with women.

It’s difficult to have intellectual discussions with these red pill ‘alphas’ because the manosphere is an echo chamber of sorts. Any deviation from the widely accepted talking points are usually met with insults of being called a beta male simp mangina or blue pilled cuckasaurus or something. Even ‘purple pill’ guys are barely tolerated.

I’ve found myself having extreme reactions to people who disagree with those ‘red pill’ truths, though lately, my reactions have been more or less. Well meh… take it or leave it. Good luck with that.

One specific point that I disagree with is where they say that it is somehow unnatural to fall in love with a woman. It think that it is a very natural thing (though I wouldn’t advise it today). If it was unnatural, the fallout of a broken heart wouldn’t be so damned traumatic and PAINFUL for so many men. I suspect that having a wife and family that you’re invested in does something to our minds. I wouldn’t be surprised in the future if we discover some ‘protector’ chemical that gets released in our minds when we attach to a woman.

The idea that it is actually natural for men to fight for his woman … as opposed to simply letting her go seems more reasonable and logical to me from a pure naturalistic aspect. Of course we live in ‘society’ where those types of things are highly frowned upon…. but i do believe that the natural order would be to be ready to ‘fight to the death’ to preserve what we had.

I’m not saying that it’s a great or even good idea to do those things. In fact, I do agree that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be overtaken by love from a woman like that. My argument isn’t whether or not it’s a good idea, but I just believe that it’s a natural thing. If you do a highly addictive substance, you’re going to get addicted. That’s natural isofar as it having a natural/explainable/predictable effect on this human body.

If you attach to a woman, you’re going experience a shit load of pain if you lose her. I’ve heard soldiers’ say that they experienced more trauma from their wives leaving and destroying the family than going to war and seeing death and killing people. To be fair to women, I’ve heard a woman say that she experienced more trauma and pain from being cheated on and left by her husband than being raped at an earlier age. As I’ve stated so many times, this thing hurt me WAY more than anything I have ever experienced up to now.

If it were unnatural to feel so shitty about it, then men wouldn’t work so damned hard and have that instinct to preserve and protect their families at all costs. Ask the pussiest blue pilled guys, and I’ll bet more times than not, most would literally catch a grenade to save their wives and kids.

Think of all of the greatest love songs and ballads written. Written by guys. Romantic poems…. usually men. Epic love stories (not trashy romance novels)…. Men did that. And many of these arose from before the time of 3rd wave feminism and the modern woman. Men go to war and are willing to die if a persuasive leader can convince them that their wives and families are being threatened. We love and we love hard.

I really hate the trend that where red pill guys agree with hypergamy and think that it’s somehow a good thing. I can see the appeal in a sense that it does drive competition. But the explicit endorsement of this seems to be contrary to building the family unit. Especially in a day of social media, women’s entitlement complex, and a “my happiness first” driven society.

I do believe that in truth, men love the hardest in general. Ironically, the exceptions (the narcisstic ones) are the ones who the get the most women. In pragmatic terms, it’s probably best to follow the example of the latter. However, our society seems to… for some reason or another appear to be evolving to where single unit families where men live to die for the their wives and families is coming to a screeching halt. Women don’t desire those men as much and men are learning this the hard way, but at a rapidly growing rate.

Chivalry may be dead. But I do believe that simping is also following very closely behind it.

I think that if u just get over it is the best way to be over it.  This helps me… They duped u and fooled u.   They don’t and can’t FEEL love like that(lizard hearted).     U can’t make them feel it.   They just literaly can’t.    You’re trying to explain colors to a blind person.     Accept it.   They just literally can’t feel it like that….let it go and just stop expecting a monkey from not doing doing monkey ish…

Your r evolved past their monkey lizard mind…but they Literally are lacking that THING that makes US human beyond that.    Programming or psychology doesn’t matter….  don’t drown yourself trying to save someone who can’t swim,,U R NOT A LIFEGUARD (u martyr complexed ass  personn u lol)and they put themselves in deep waters despite the warning signs…try to save them and they will pull u below the waters with them.,,, perhaps they prefer DEATH.? they can’t swim and would drown YOU in order to save themselves anyway…now YOU’VE BECOME toxic in orderto push them off and save YOURSELF….   IT’S A NO WIN PROPOSITION……accept THAT IS WHO THEY ARE and can’t change and accept it.   Unless u have a bdsm relationship with your emotions….   yeah, but I don’t.  But I get it, it makes sense in a way

They are not like us.   U just have to accept that…otherwise not trust in the MOST HIGH to save you….stop idolizing  these people  out of habit( the spiritual enemy is using them).   it’s literally how trauma bonds work..some Christians say..( LOVE THE SINNER AND NOT THE SIN)….NOT EASY, but I gotta forgiveher……..let’s do better

And move accordingly

Love and power

Almost there

I called a divorce attorney and got the paper work for the non contested divorce. I then called STBX and informed her that I’d be emailing her a copy to look over and we can talk about custody. She seemed a bit sad, but at the same time, didn’t resist. She pretty much said that she was so indicisve about it all. It almost pissed me off, but I quickly regained my composure. I wanted to say that she already decided this by her actions…..but no need to say anything. At this point, I know who I’m dealing with.

I thought about spending a weekend together and seeing if there is any way we could work on things. That’s a terrible idea though because I know that I could never trust her, even if we managed to have a good weekend together. The truth is, she just isn’t what I need as wife. I don’t think she can change as she sees nothing wrong with what she did/ is doing. It doesn’t feel right to lecture a grown woman about boundaries, respect, and morals. Besides, all she’d do is listen and later do whatever the hell it is she wants to do. Been there done that.

I also found out the main guy she’s currently seeing is in a relationship and it appears that they have kids. Her first affair partner was also in a relationship living with one of his childrens’ mothers. I’m noticing that she has no problems with dealing with attached men and possibly breaking up homes. More respect lost. It would seem that she doesn’t respect herself and has no regard for the potential fallout that could occur. Moreover, It seems that the notion of “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.” doesn’t exist in her world.

I’m thinking that she has some real mental issues going on. Her lack of empathy and integrity is just … WOW. I know that people like that exist in the world, but I never would have thought in a million years that she’d end up being one of them. It’s kind of pathetic when I think about it. It is somewhat comforting to know that it’s really mostly on her. I know that I’m not perfect and I wasn’t looking for perfection either. But without trust and honest communication, it just can’t work and I’d continue to run the risk of her cheating.

It’s actually a bit of a blessing that we don’t click. It would be even worse to have a woman like this who I could just get along with in an easy effortless way. While it’s not my problem anymore and I don’t plan on putting an more thought into it, I am curious as to why she comes across as so desperate…. especially looking at the guys she’s “choosing up” on. I haven’t met them personally, but based on pictures, I look way better than them. And the text communications between them doesn’t indicate that they have more ‘game’ than me. They certainly don’t seem any smarter than me. As far as money goes, they don’t seem much better off financially than me, minusthem having more kids to feed. I’ve had way better texting with women i’ve dealt with…. but that’s neither here nor there.

I used to think that perhaps she deserved better than me. Now that I’m waking up, I am starting actually feel that I may have been too good for her. Sure, she makes more money, but that’s about it. Maybe I was a blue pilled simp for most of our marriage, but I still held it down as a husband.

I never wanted to be a part of the divorced dad club, but I’m pretty sure that this outcome has more to do with her and her mental issues than me with mine. I have learned that I need to be a better leader as far as leading our family. I have to be more serious and let go of my serendiptious attitude towards securing a house and finances. That is, regardless of whether or not I want to go that route again.

I’m pretty sure that my lover likes having fun with me. Even though she wants to get married, I don’t think that she sees me as marriage material. It’s cool though, I’m not even close to mentally nor financially to be thinking of that.

I do think that I COULD possibly get married again someday. But as of now, I can’t see myself honoring and cherishing it in the way that I once did. It just seems like a pointless endeavor because cheating is a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust women not to cheat sooner or later. I couldn’t just give my heart over and be “in love” like that anymore. Without that, I see no other point in it unless I could benefit financially. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to marry someone for their money or status.

I can’t think of what characteristics a woman could have that would make me want to marry her. Even if she checked ALL of the boxes, I can’t take a chance and give my heart over to her. People are people and the way I imagine my TYPE, she’d be so rare that I”m sure that many, many, men would be in her dm’s trying to get her/ get her back. And to have her head over heels would be impossible. I’m pretty sure that cupid played a trick on us where we can’t have who we want the most, but we can have those who want us more. If it comes down to it, the latter would be a better choice. I could deal with that as long as she met my minimal level of attactiveness.

If soul mates exist, I would be hard pressed to find her. My guard is way up. Even if we had initial chemistry and attraction, I’d feel that she might be a Narc in a similar fashion to STBXW. She appears sweet and delicate, love bombing and idealization further drops your guard…..then boom, all of the things she said in the beginning was just an act. Her dating strategy. She’s a spider, slowly entagling you into her web and by the time you realize what she really is…. you’re stuck in her web as she slowly devours you alive. Her venom eating you from the inside out.

No sir, I can’t do heart break again. It almost killed me the first time. I was lucky to escape. A bit battered and bruised, but I’m healing. The pain and anxiety attacks are coming much less frequently….and though still mad about it sometimes. I am however finally accepting her for who she is. I realize that I can’t take it personally anymore. I am a work in progress so as I heal, I’m sure things may pop up here and there. But I do feel miles better overall.