I’ve been listening to a ton of stories about narcissism and infidelity due to the YouTube algorithm populating my recommend list lately. In many of these stories, the men getting cheated on very often report that their wives/long term partners seem to have changed. It’s not uncommon to hear them say things like “I’ve never known her to be this way” or “This isn’t the woman I married.” It’s quite interesting how the actions and behaviors of these women are so similar in these stories. They’re becoming quite predictable. It’s as if a similar energy or spirit possess these women.
My stbxw also seemed to experience this transformation. It’s like their character fundamentally changes at the core. At one time they had trouble lying, now, they do so with no guilt. The were once fair, but now selfish. Once stand up, now manipulative. Genuinely kind, but now somehow it’s fake. The lack remorse, empathy, or care for someone who had been their “best friend” and closest ally over sometimes a few decades. You rarely hear about these women feeling any sincere remorse or guilt for hurting her man or destroying her family. Any show/display of remorse comes from either getting caught, having to eat humble pie because it doesn’t work out with the other man, or because she stands to lose either resources, reputation, or both. It’s not from a place of being genuinely apologetic for the damage they cause. Spoiler alert: they always end up doing it again if you do take her back.
Our 13th anniversary was on Dec. 12 and i told her that never in a million years did I think we would be in this place. She agreed and said before the affair, she never would have thought so either. Yet she doesn’t have any remorse for destroying our family. The cognitive dissonance she has is amazing. She describes how “unhappy” she was, yet can’t give a single example/reason to explain or justify the reason for this unhappiness. At least not to the point of justifying such betrayal and the consequences of destroying our family. In infidelity/affair literature, it’s called rewriting history. It’s something that wayward spouses do to justify their behavior where they make things seem worse than what they actually were. It’s a form of self brainwashing. I know she’s doing this because as I said, she cannot give any specific examples of anything that was so bad / miserable about about our marriage and family life.
It’s like invasion of the body snatchers where the very thing that made you consider actually marrying them in the first place has been replaced with something sinister and wicked. Their values change. They lose their integrity and moral compass. I have a theory on this and it’s a bit woo woo, but hear me out.
I believe that once they cross the path into infidelity, they open themselves up to something akin to a demonic spirit that’s quite similar to that of a narcissist. Many people believe that narcissists are demon possessed individuals. They lack compassion and empathy for their own families. Now on it’s head, it doesn’t seem too significant of a claim. Typically, narc’s are just like that. But what makes this quite concerning is the fact that this change happens during the affair period. Many call it “the affair fog”.
I think what happens is that they take on the spirit of the guy they are cheating with. There is an exchange of spiritual energy that occurs when two people sleep together. Any man who sleeps with another man’s wife already has a spirit of disrespect, manipulation, deceit, cruelty, and wickedness. The woman (being the weaker vessel spiritually speaking) takes on this spirit and it basically possesses her. She becomes corrupted and compromised. She is no longer the woman you married. She quite literally sold her soul. She is like him now.
Another common thing reported is that she does things sexually with him that she never did with you or things that she claimed disgusted her. How is it possible that you’re that close and intimate with someone for YEARS and they never mentioned doing those things. Or even if you did, they weren’t interested, yet only after a few weeks/months of meeting someone, they are doing them? Do you think they were lying to you at the time when they had no reason to? I’m pretty open sexually, but I do have my boundaries. They don’t change for new people.
They say that once a good girl goes bad, she’s gone forever. And once a cheater, always a cheater. This is because that spirit that she absorbed from that guy is in her. It’s taken over her mind, heart, and soul. While it does share many of the characteristics of the woman you once married, she is infected with a demonic entity. Unfortunately, you can either learn to deal with it or leave. But know that this entity will flare up and a true reconciliation isn’t really possible. Her mind and heart is no longer with you. You cannot love that demon out of her.
I’ve heard so many stories of false reconciliations where the woman through the motions of the counselors or pastors only to lie to them. They will either go back to the OM or move on to another man after a few months or so. My STBXW actually lied directly to a pastor in the church about her involvement with her affair partner as she was still dealing with him. This is a woman who once respected the faith.
These women become irrational to the point where you really have to wonder if there is some mental illness going on. Some of the things they say seem so illogical and unreasonable that it’s not uncommon to wonder “How did I miss all of these red flags.”
I really don’t think they were there, I think she changed….and for the worst as far as character goes.
STBXW really believes that she deserves “love” and a man to swoop in and “rescue” her. She believes that destroying her family for her own selfish lusts and desires is just some trivial thing. She once told me that people cheat sometimes, that’s just what it is. Yet, before all of this occurred we’ve had numerous conversations about how much we despise cheaters. She’s seen and witnessed the first hand the destruction the emotional damage such a thing has on the victims. Yet today, she’s justifying that sort of behavior. She’s even gone on so far as to cheat with 2 guys who she knew were in relationships with other women with kids. When confronted by one of these women, she told her that she was still going to see him regardless of what she thinks about it. Sounded very similar to her second affair partner when I confronted him.
This is not the woman I married. She wasn’t like that.
It boggles the mind and perplexes me how I could have missed these red flags in her. Even my closest friends and family are surprised by her. Her side of the family can’t know how fully depraved she’s become. Knowing them, they would cut her off. Yet, her justification of “I’m not happy.” seems sufficient enough for them. She lies by omission and if they only knew what she is doing now, I’m sure they wouldn’t be so lenient as for as not calling her out.
That said, I can no longer trust in anything she says. Fully corrupted and demonic, I have no clue what she’s capable of anymore and I really don’t trust her with our son. I don’t think she’d physically hurt him, but psychologically, I think she is capable of damaging him if it serves her selfish wants. I can’t say for sure if she would, but given the cavilier attitude she has about breaking his home, her lack of effort in trying to fix it before burning it down, and unrepentant selfishness she’s displayed so far, I can’t put it past her.
It’s like There is no amount of logic and reasoning I can do with her can get her to see the harm she’s done/doing . Her moral agency is corrupted. She’s angry with me because I won’t stand for her bullshit and I’m probably the only person who knows and will call her out on it. She’s now for the streets and I cannot save her.
This may make co-parenting a difficult task to undertake because I refuse to capitulate to her bullshit. I’m relearning which battles are worth it and which ones aren’t. It’s hard to negotiate with terrorists though. While I know that my testimony is one-sided and there are multiple sides to every story, I’m trying to be as objective as possible as I type this out. I have resolved to divorce her in the upcoming year. Things are looking pretty bleak for a noncontested, but I have to do what I need to do and hire a divorce attorney. Hopefully, this can help with some of the closure that’s needed to close this chapter of my life.
This lesson has taught me that marriage isn’t a viable option for me. It’s not that I don’t trust women carte blanche. I just can’t see myself putting that much emotional investment into a person who can just change into an unreasonable and corrupt monster overnight. It’s just not a wise choice to give someone that much power over you and your life. I have to have the power to walk away without it affecting those around me who depend on me.
Falling in love and marrying someone is like owning a pet tiger, sure, the “right one” may never turn on you, but if it does and you never know if it will, it’s too late by the time you find out and the consequences can be very detrimental.