Back when I was younger, I cheated on my second girlfriend. The side chick ended up getting pregnant. Fortunately, it wasn’t mine, but that’s another story. My ex girlfriend wanted to work things out, but at the time, I felt that she’d ultimately come back and cheat on me, so I just ended it.
Looking back, I didn’t really feel much remorse. I liked her, but I don’t think that I was really “in love” with her like that. I don’t know how she really felt about me, but I may have been her first or second “love”. I was a sophomore in college and she was a senior in high school. I don’t remember having that heartbreak feeling and after a day or two of feeling slightly down, I just moved on without much thought. I really didn’t want the side chick either though. I liked her too, but at the time I found out about her pregnancy, we had been ‘broken up’ for about a month so I was basically over her too. I didn’t have that “in love” feeling with her either.
To be honest, I don’t think that I was ever “in love” with any of my ex’s. As said before, I liked them a lot. But the breakups just weren’t nearly as brutal as with STBXW. My first girlfriend cheated on me with some guy and though at the time, I was bit hurt for about a week or so, in certain ways, I felt a bit of relief. In fact, pretty much after all of my relationships, there was a bit of relief after the break ups. I also had a long term (2 or 3 year) friends with benefits situations where she ended up moving. I helped her move and even drove her to her new location. It was a bittersweet ending, but it wasn’t like I felt terrible about it. I’ve had a few other long term relationships here and there and none of them felt anything like how my STBXW in the end. I never wanted to marry any of them. In fact, looking back, marriage never even crossed my mind until I met her.
My experience with STBXW has taught me that being “in love” just isn’t for me. It’s like an infection. It’s a drug. It’s something that’s difficult to get rid of once you get it in your system. I’m still not quite over STBXW in a way that brings me peace. It hate it. It’s been a few years now. I don’t want her back, but for some reason, i have to keep reminding myself not be so angry with her. Like, even if I could snap my fingers and make her want me back, it would only be for me to reject her. I don’t even entertain thoughts of us getting back or reconciling. Yet, for some reason, I have difficulty letting it all go. I wonder if this is karma for the way I did my second girlfriend.
I just want to be able to put this behind me. And look forward to a future with me someday loving someone who reciprocates….like the old days of me liking someone and her liking me. Maybe I just need someone to get over this. Maybe that would be the last step in my healing. I don’t want to be in love, but I do want to love someone. I guess, it’s the loneliness. I mean, I can do without having someone, but it’s a cope. I do have female friends that I talk to. My lover moved away though we still communicate fairly frequently. Still though, it’s cool to have someone to be able to go out with and share things intimately with. I don’t know if I’m really ready for a relationship…
I have however recently met this woman who I think I like. I’m going to shoot my shot soon. We had a few pretty decent conversations and I could see myself dealing with her. So far, the conversation has been pretty good. Though I may disagree with what she thinks about certain things, at least she does a decent job of explaining WHY she thinks that way. This is a good sign.
Either way, I just plan on taking it slowly until I get to know her better. I could see myself just going out with her, no sex expected (whatever happens happens though) and just seeing if she’s someone I’d like to possibly get serious about. I realize that I have to be more assertive and intentional as far as getting with a woman instead of relying on luck and happenstance to find one. Even if not with her, it’s a good sign to see that I’m open to trying a relationship.
I just have to be careful not to make the same foolish mistake as I did with STBXW and actually ‘fall in love.’ I just have to keep the mantra, she’s never yours, it’s just your turn while having to balance being nice and always having one foot out the door type of deal. Redpill theory says that women aren’t attracted to nice guys. I’m going to challenge that and see how true it is. I think you can be a nice guy (not pushover), but just be careful not to give too much of yourself as I tend to do when you fall in love.
I never thought that I’d say it, but I think my dad was on to something when he was cheating. I’m not saying to be disrespectful and inconsiderate with it, but perhaps having something on the side can prevent you from developing the ‘one-itis’. As much as women say they want you to be monogamous with them, I think that they lose attraction if you only have eyes for them. You can’t just be in love and only have 1.
The thing is, she can’t find out about it unless u want to deal with her being hurt. And if you do love her, you have to be very careful and discreet. If this is indeed true, then it’s almost like having a side chick is like medicine for them. They don’t like taking it, but unfortunately, it’s necessary if we want to have a ‘healthy’ relationship where we both are happy.
I don’t care what women tell me about this. Until I’m proven otherwise and one actually leaves me for cheating ( i never cheated on a woman since that one time) ….I’m convinced that it’s a necessary evil. All 4 of the other women I had relationships with cheated on me when I didn’t have a side chick….just saying.
I know it sounds stupid, but hey, put it this way, also among my family and close associates, the only difference (insofar as success, looks, personality, etc.) between the women who stayed and were faithful and the ones who strayed and cheated is whether or not the man is faithful.
It’s ass backwards. If he cheats they tend to be more faithful and also deal with his other bullshit. If he is faithful, she ends up cheating or leaving for less critical bullshit. I know broke dudes who are consistently unemployed, drink too much, aren’t that intelligent, want to be rappers and so forth who’s women hold them DOWN, won’t leave and didn’t cheat (as far as I know).
I also know a high school principal, shift supervisor, major studio production Best Boy, and a corporate 6 figure earner who were all financially stable, fairly bright, non alcoholics/drug users who’s women either just up and left or cheated on them. They were all faithful men. These men were supportive, thoughtful, and seemed to adore these women. They are what I’d call good guys. Not to mention my own horror story.
… cheating… in my mind anyway seems to be a necessary evil. I really don’t know why this is, but it seems to be a pretty consistent. Sure, they’ll complain either way, but for some reason cheating (as long as it’s not too frequent) seems to make them be more willing to put up with his imperfections a bit more. I think it’s like women’s intuition or something but they have to know on some level. But even when they find out, they tend to stick around longer.
Two keys to this is doing it while she’s “in love in the honeymoon phase” AND you also have to be/act intentional with her. Like really be almost in simp mode. Buy her things, take her out, and do all of those things that she likes. If you don’t have a side chick, then you can be hot / cold … intentional /aloof….but that’s only going to take you so far.
I gotta take it back to my second girlfriend who wanted to work things out despite thinking that I had a child on the way. Before then, I really didn’t believe that she liked me that much. I was actually surprised that she wanted to work on it. Dunno man, the world is a crazy place.