Love is Bondage

After a few months of talking to one of my female friends about ‘relationships’, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think they are for me. Not serious one’s anyway.

I’ve realized that I really don’t want to “take on” a woman because I can’t bring myself to care like that anymore. She says that I don’t care about women’s feelings, but the reality is that I while I do care, I don’t want to be responsible for maintaining her. I’ve been in that position a few times and I gotta tell you, it’s really not worth it. Even good case scenario, you’re not gonna get sex as much as you want and u still gotta sacrifice a lot to keep her happy.

It’s too much like work. And to me it’s not worth it. It’s like owning a needy pet or something. There is just so much maintenance in having to keep one “happy” beyond the honeymoon phase. This part really blows her mind for some reason. I guess her premise is that women somehow make men’s lives easier or better or something.

We bicker back and forth sometimes and she teased me about being unable to ‘keep’ a woman. At first I sort of got annoyed, (in light of what’s going on with STBXW)…. but then I realized that ya know, if it takes all of that to keep a woman loyal to you, I’d rather have a dog or something.

I’m all for a woman wanting to rock with me…..but I am not in the business of giving in to terroristic threats from anyone. It’s the height of arrogance in my opinion that these women really think that they are somehow special to the point of feeling like a man should have to deal with the bullshit in order to keep her around.

(**sarcastically) well thank you for allowing me to serve you so that I can bask in your presence.

I mean, yeah, I’ll be there for a friend in need. I’m all for helping a person or friend out who actually needs my help. But when our entire relationship is based upon me mostly catering to her emotions, fragile ego, and whatever the fuck it is to keep her “happy”…. man stall me out on that.

Who wants to be friends with a person who’s loyalty is soley based on what you can do for them? The entitlement is unbelievable. Who wants to sign up for extra work like that with no rewards or pay. Does she really think that giving up pussy is payment for the headache of having to deal with her bullshit? I mean I see sex as an equal exchange. If she doesn’t enjoy it then she’s not gonna fuck with me for too long anyway …right? Plus if she’s not really enjoying it, it’s kind of trash to me anyway.

Who told these women that they were the prize. I prize friendship and loyalty above all and if I cannot have that, then she is really no prize….to me anyway. So if her loyalty is conditional soley based on what I do for her, then it’s not really much of a ‘friendship’. It’s more like “tricking” or “paying to play”. She is just using me for whatever it is that she deems that she needs at the time. If she’s willing to terminate our ‘friendship’ based on not “needing” me anymore, then why in the world would I dedicate/commit myself to her?

These are grown assed independent women. Often their mouths get too gotdamned spicy. Body counts astronomical. Reasoning …often illogical (to my ears). Expectations of a man …unrealistic. Expensive and did I mention needy? Like bruh, I don’t expect my friends to do shit for me except reciprocate. If I cannot reciprocate….say on a 1 to 1 basis…. i don’t expect them to do anything for me as a requirement to be my friend. Just respect me and be there for me (IF I NEED) it. Just like I’d be there for them. But I don’t feel so entitled to anything from them as to base our friendship of them having to do anything outside of that. If they do more than that, I don’t feel entitled to it, I just appreciate it.

Her (and I suspect) a lot of modern women is that they’ve brought into the hype of thinking that they’re some gotdamned goddess or something. No ma’am, you’re a human being. You eat, sleep, shit, piss, and fart like the rest of us mortals. I don’t give a damn how good she looks nor how good the pussy feels. She’s still a fucking human being. I just don’t get why they expect this sort of preferential treatment. You should actually feel lucky to have a man want to deal with your bullshit like that. Yet, you get a simp/blue pilled sucker who is still going for it, and run his ass through the ringer.

Man, I have learned that emotional attachments to these women are bad for your mental health. They get u hooked and you’d do damn near anything to keep them from leaving. They want you to feel like that too because then they have power over you and once they know that you’re not going anywhere….Game on sucker…..u already lost. The best way to combat that is to ALWAYS be willing to walk away and mean it. And you do that by not getting too emotionally attached to her. This ‘love’ game is a contact sport, you gotta protect yourself at ALL TIMES.

If she’s not chasing, she’s worth replacing. I am not playing into that game of being unable to walk away. My heart does not of an off switch when it turns on. So for me, it’s just best not to turn that mf. on. I think they want men to ‘fall in love’ because it gives them power over him. And once they have it they either take it for granted or abuse it. They become entitled and expect MORE because they know he will do everything in his power to keep her from leaving him.

Nah, I’ll pass. That’s too much power to give to someone else. It’s like emotional slavery. I’d rather have my freedom, personal agency, and not put too much stock on her/ her emotional instability, arrogance, and power trips for my personal mental and emotional health.

Biblically speaking, she’s supposed to be a man’s helpmeet, not the other way around. They got the game fucked up today. This isn’t about “love” for most of them, it’s about power and getting their “needs” met by a sucker.

Beaten into Submission?

I’ve been dealing with STBXW for so long from a place of being powerless to stop her from cheating while being married to me. It like I held this idea or institution in high regard for so long. But to see/know that she’s out there getting her back blown out and sucking all kinds of dick….while still married to me, feels like a special kind of hell.

I’ve felt violated for so long that in certain ways, I’m becoming a bit used to it. No I still don’t like it, but it’s like getting beat over and over and over again that the pain becomes a part of you. I’m not sure how this is going to play out on my mental health in the long run. I don’t feel the need/urge to do anything drastic or to hurt anyone. Yet I can feel that this is affecting me in ways that aren’t good. I’m becoming more numb. In certain ways i guess it makes me stronger, yet it feels like this just isn’t right.

I’m really torn between the idea that either STBXW is really just an emotionally immature moron who lacks empathy……or in some ways, she gets pleasure out of knowing that this somehow hurts me. She knows it’s wrong for sure. She knows that she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes. Yet she doesn’t mind placing these shackles on my feet in her pursuit of ….let’s face it, new dick.

I asked again if she’d want a woman to do to our child what she’s doing to me and her answer was NO. “But I’m his mother, of course I wouldn’t want someone to hurt him.” Yet somehow in her head, she’s justified her treatment and disrespect of me. I keep reminding her that it doesn’t have to be this way. Just sign the papers.

I mean seriously, I could never take her back. I have no desire for her as a wife. I could never trust her, be open with her, let alone kiss her, make love to her, or care like I once did. Why does her lack of self respect (and her ability to not recognize that she’s out here disrespecting herself as a woman) have to come at the cost of my own?

How long do I have to endure this bullshit? I’ve never been one to complain, but this is just ridiculous. I don’t do anything to anyone I wouldn’t want done to me. Yet, I am here facing and living through one of the worst tortures a husband can go through by the hands of his so called “wife.”

Why won’t she just sign the damned papers. She’s then free to suck and fuck all the dick she wants. She can be a side chick to Donald Trump for all I care. She can get gutted and slutted out by the Brooklyn Nets. Just don’t associate me with her lack of self respect anymore. It’s so crazy because, SHE was the UNHAPPY one who wants to leave. Why burn the whole gotdamned house down and lock me in it while it burns to the ground.

This is the perfect example of how some women really don’t take accountability for her wicked behavior. I’d imagine that this lack of accountability is why dudes see her as only a side chick and won’t take her seriously. It’s why she has to play side chick to an average man who tells her that she’s doing too much. It’s why she basically has to beg him to come over and essentially buy him gifts, alcohol, and offer pussy and head to keep him. The fact that she SEE NOTHING wrong with any of this makes me really lose complete respect for her.

Yet I feel like shit because of association. Who wants to be known as the man who’s wife is doing this to him? Doesn’t she realize that either a moron or complete and utter loser would take her seriously knowing what she’s doing? To be clear, I really don’t care about the caliber of man she deals with. Maybe like can attract like and she’ll find that. I just don’t want any parts of it….by association or otherwise.

Bad enough that she is my child’s mother and she has no moral obligation to herself to understand that she implicates us all with her dishonor and disrespect.

this hatred and vitriol isn’t me. I’ve never been this way. Yet being beat down so long tends to change certain things about you.

Getting over it.

It’s been about a week since I last heard from my lover and i’m not gonna lie, it’s been hard to keep from reaching out to her just to say hi. Even though in certain ways I feel relief from the pressure of having to deal with figuring out what to do with her ‘relationship’ wise, i do find myself missing her.

You don’t talk to a person almost every day for over 6 years and suddenly get over it. I probably talked to her more than anyone else consistently over that time. But as I like to say, ‘love’ is a bit of an addiction. I’m going cold turkey and it seems that I’m going through withdrawals. Even though tame compared to the shock my body received upon the news of the “wife” affair, it’s still quite an unpleasant experience…. for me anyway.

Though I know this is for the best, I sometimes find myself wondering if she actually misses me. I do know that women tend to check out months if not years before actually pulling the plug on a ‘relationship’…..and i think that I was starting to feel the distance in the past few months. I saw the writing on the wall a while ago and so I knew it was coming sooner or later. This sucks about as bad as I thought it would. But it still sucks. The punches that you don’t see coming hurt the most, but it’s still an unpleasant experience even when you do see them coming. At least I was able to somewhat brace for the impact. Still though, it sucks.

I do love her in a real way and I hope that she knows that I mean it beyond words. I want the best for her, but not gonna lie, at times, my ego sort of hopes that my replacement won’t be as good as me. At least not initially. So here I am, basically, alone. It doesn’t have to be that way and probably wouldn’t be if I wasn’t acting as a single father. I can’t bring a woman around my kid right now … at least until the wife signs her end of the divorce papers. Maybe i should be alone right now for now anyway just so that I can heal. This proving to be a bit hard bcuz STBXW is more involved in my life (for kiddo’s sake) than I’d like for her to be. I’ve been trying to talk her into finally signing the papers….asking that she sign them so we can begin the real process of distentaglement….while also explaining how bad it makes both of us look that she’s out here doing what she’s doing despite being married….and though she doesn’t disagree, it seems that she either doesn’t believe me or really doesn’t care.

I have to take accountability for marrying her. I really can’t say what I saw in her that would me think that she’d be a good wife for me. Perhaps I was fooled by her looks. There are women out here who I think could be a good wife, who are loyal, who are understanding, who understand integrity, and who are actually intelligent. Unfortunately, I married what would be best be described as a side chick. I think there truly is a difference. I do believe that a good woman can make a good man better, but unfortunately, some can actually make him worse. Some can push their men to do / be greater, but others, drive him to bitterness.

She has turned out to be much more of a liability and unfortunately, she cannot see how much I still sacrifice (though it’s mostly for our son). I don’t think she ever will. The person who you marry can definitely impact your life in unimaginable ways. Yet I have to take responsibility for this as me choosing her was a reflection of me and my decision making process at the time.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and hire an attorney as she is probably incapable of ‘doing the right thing’ and getting a nonconetested divorce unless she finds a man who requires it as a necessity to be with him. I personally believe that her ‘lovers’ see who for what she truly is…. a side chick which is why they don’t require that she gets a divorce and marry him. It could really all be so simple….if she were to play ball, but for now, she seems content with being ‘that type of woman.’ And making matters worse, she seems to see nothing wrong with it. While on one hand it certainly is humiliating to know that she’d rather play side chick to these guys than to take accountability, admit she was wrong, and a least try to work on her marriage and family, …. or at the very least not go out like a Jada Pinkett and get a divorce…. (especially since I’ve been adamant about trying to resolve this as peacefully as possible)… is proof positive that she isn’t worth trying to reconcile with (even if she suddenly had a “come to Jesus” moment). This shouldn’t have happened.

A good woman/wife would have never let things get this far. A woman with self respect would respect herself enough to not knowingly play side chick to a guy. The fact that she is actively participating with helping deceive another woman by helping him cheat is just something I find reprehensible. How much more based on the fact that she is also ‘married’. Unfortunately, her mentality does not allow her to see that. She actually believes that she is a ‘good’ woman despite that. It truly is sad and pathetic, but unfortunately, the more I become aware of (many) women’s nature thru the redpill, i realize that her mentality really isn’t uncommon. But then again, so are the number of women who are ‘not’ marriage material. I fucked up with her. It’s my fault, my inaction to do anything is a reflection of me at this point. We’re both losers. I reality is that I deserve all of this until I get off my ass and do something. I know what I’m dealing with (I’ve been known)….and have done nothing about it.