Overcoming Anxiety

It sort of hit me as an epiphany of sorts that I never really wanted to just have sex with a woman.   Don’t get me wrong, of course I wanted sex.  Yes, the first emotion I feel is lust when I see an attractive woman.   But I also wanted her to be a potential girlfriend/lover/or long term fwb.    I was thinking that she had to somehow at least had to have the potential to be someone I’d like to date.

I still think that way, but I’m painfully realizing that in reality, wanted to be tied down as a man is generally unattractive to a female.   I gave off ‘boyfriend’ or ‘husband’ energy which might explain partially why when I did approach, the energy was nervousness.  I put too much pressure on myself in fear of being rejected.  I somehow had to measure up to all the more handsome, smart, funny, rich, better endowed, better shaped or more personable guys that she likely had coming on to her.

Most of the women I dealt with thought I was a player or either they sensed that I really didn’t want them like that.   They made themselves available to me.  I didn’t chase so to speak.  It was only when I bowed down or gave them commitment did they actually go out and  cheat.

The few I approached probably sensed i was husband, boyfriend material, so I had the pressure of working to prove myself.

In my mind, I can see how the anxiety could/should lessen if my goal is simply to have sex and keep it moving.   It’s just all a part of having fun.   It should be fun and not some daunting task.   It’s like playing a video game where even if I die (so to speak) then just respawn and try again.   It’s really not all that serious.

In my mind, the very first step in manifestation is ‘knowing what you want.’   Ultimately, what I want is sex with as little effort as possible, and if it’s good or works out for both of us after that, then maybe we can keep seeing each other.   But the immediate goal is to have a good time and some fun sex.

I’m probably not her person anyway and she can still keep exploring other options.   There is no pressure on me to keep her entertained or be funny, clever, or anything.   I don’t have to be successful or a damn comedian.  No need to be her Mr. Right.   Just Mr. Right now.

Some guys actually want to be faithful Husbands,  available Fathers, or  a committed relationship.  Unfortunately for those guys, there really isn’t much honor in being a ‘family man’ these days.    As quiet as it’s kept, in today’s world, those men are considered unattractive or beta.   Even if that’s what women say they want, it’s not what they’re attracted to.  Look at the increasing number of divorces initiated by women and the staggering number of single mothers out here.

Now compare that to the men you might know who would probably make good husbands or fathers…..why do so many of those men have such difficulty in getting women.

It’s because most women prefer the chase of trying to get you to commit over the actual commitment…..especially if they sense that you have other options.   Girls just want to have fun.

The only way you can lose this game is if you don’t participate,  desire commitment, or actually give a fuck.

If you commit or fear walking away, there is so much pressure to measure up and keep it up.    But if you don’t, as a man, realize that it’s noone’s fault but your own.   If she lies, cheats, breaks up with you, breaks your heart, cucks you, whatever…it’s your fault.

Falling in love and catching the ‘oneitis’ is a losing proposition.  It truly is a form of madness.    While it might feel good at the onset, in reality, you slowly lose your self respect, dignity, freedom and risk the devastating fallout of heartbreak, humiliation, and involuntary cuckoldry.   The juice ain’t worth the squeeze, but I suppose that love is a powerful drug indeed.   Been there, still detoxing off of it.   I’d say that if you can stomach it, go for it, but it’s not the drug for me.

I prefer to just have fun, have safe sex, and avoid the attachments as much as possible.






Happiness Over Everything

We often refer to permiscuous women or prostitutes as hoes.  I’m going to expand that definition to women who believe that their happiness is more important than everything.   HOE  means Happiness Over Everything.

I had a deep conversation with a female friend this weekend about marriage and her ideas about it.   In it, she said that she doesn’t feel that people who are unhappy should stay married.  I told her about the article I read about wives wanting to leave their good husbands because they were unhappy.    How these men did nothing wrong, but they felt that they had to be “brave” even though they knew everyone else would suffer for it.

She says that people should always be pursuing their personal happiness and that life is just ‘too short’ to be unhappy.   I told her that the primary goal of marriage isn’t about happiness, but it’s about love.  It’s about loyalty and dedication.

What’s the point in getting married if you can suddenly wake up one day and walk away simply because you’re not feeling it?  What about family depending on you?   Of course she returned with “a kid can sense if their parents aren’t happy.  the best thing we can do is let them see us happy.”

Are we teaching them that it’s ok to forego our responsibilities and obligations because we aren’t as happy as we could be?   What if I decided that I wanted to go out and have unprotected sex with someone else, lie to my s/o about it because I didn’t want to get her upset, simply because I wanted to be happy.   What if molesting children made child molesters happy?   Rapists like raping people and aren’t they just trying to be happy.   Should I go out and rob someone because having their things makes me happy?

This notion of happiness over everything and everyone is the problem with the modern woman.   I’m not saying that people should be miserable, but in reality, these hoes are so selfish that they really can’t be happy in a long term relationship.   They expect us to provide everything and still give us no clue on how to make them happy.

In actuality, it appears that they thrive on misery and being hurt.   It’s almost like you have to hurt her and not really care about her in order for her to be satisfied with you.   This is why ‘nice guys’ finish last.    This is why players and fuckboys are given a million chances to fix things, but the good guy has to constantly prove himself.

I also learned that women view this relationship thing way differently.   She told me that she would have nsa sex with guys she was attracted to, but didn’t want relationships with.   She would not require him to take her on dates or would go dutch to prove that she didn’t want a relationship with him.

She would on the other hand require men she thought as husband material to take her on dates to prove how much he wanted to be with her.    I almost threw up in my mouth.   While I get it on one hand.  It sucks that a man who would try to give her everything she wanted had to wait and jump through hoops, while the other guy simply shows up to get the goodies.

So what she’s basically saying is that the best way to get into her panties is to not want a relationship with her.    Attraction is everything to these women.   This is the game folks.  This is the modern hoe.

To be successful with these hoes, we just make ourselves as attractive as possible.  Be cordial and entertaining.  Act like a friend, but let her know you want sex.   Don’t pursue a relationship.  Disrespect her every now and again.   Have other chicks on the side so that you don’t get too attached to her.  And finally, blow her back out during sex.

Lost in the Sauce

I read an article today about women who wanted to leave their ‘good’ husbands simply because they felt unfulfilled.   Add that to the constant mgtow and redpill content that I’ve been consuming lately and I’m feeling a bit down.

I now that red pill rage is real, but right now, I’m feeling a bit depressed.   It sucks to realize that these women ain’t shit.   Well, the vast majority.   Loyalty means nothing to them.   It forces me to look in the mirror and understand that my sadness comes from the fact that I probably will never be able to have that wife or forever person that I want.

The idea of loving someone and being faithful, real, and supportive has to die.   We live in an age where if you’re not playing or dating several women, then they lose attraction to you.    They will cheat.   You can’t treat a woman like you really care about her and I have to overcome that programming I’ve been ingrained with.  You really do have to objectify and use them if you want success.   You can’t give a fuck about them in any real way.

I’ve heard so many stories of guys who talk about how rampant cheating girlfriends and wives are out here.   They talk about how disrespectful these women are…giving them oral sex and returning home to their husbands….answering phone calls of their s/o’s while having sex with them, spending their husband’s hard earned money on them, while said husband at home working or taking care of the kids.

Good men are referred to as simps because apparently, we don’t understand the game.    I don’t want to be a player as I don’t want to lie, but at the same time, I’m getting to the point where I can’t trust women.  No matter now nice, real, or sincere they come across.   It’s upsetting, but I can’t bury my head in the sand any longer.

I have to put me first.   I can’t love without trust.   I don’t trust, so I can’t love.   I have to find it in me to play this game, no matter how dirty, deceitful, I have to be.   That’s not me.   It seems so wrong.   But what else am I to do.

I don’t even know why my self worth as a man is measured on how many women I can have or even if I can have any at all.   There is something in me though that needs to get this handled.   It feels like I’m losing myself.

They don’t care about my feelings….only what they can get out of me….whether it’s sex, novelty, revenge, money, validation…..who knows.  All I know is that we’re living in an age where as a man, I must protect my heart….at all costs.

How many times must I open up facebook and insta just to see women post pics about guys they so called love, only to have them post memes a few months later about ‘men’ are this or or ‘men’ are that.    It’s like looking at these dudes, it’s clear they are players.    I’m not a bad looking dude, but I treat them way too nice.   I gotta stop being so considerate and caring.   Being called nice is an insult to me at this point.   I’m just being me and it’s a constant reminder that I’m not adequate.   Noone likes the good guy, yet they claim it’s what they want.   But yet when they get us, we’re cheated on or left because we’re unfulfilling.

I don’t  care that they like the bad guy.   Why do they have to be so damn evil to guys like me though?   WTF is so wrong with me?   I don’t even really trust my lover because I haven’t done anything messed up to her in a while.

Why are women so weird in that the only way they are attracted to and respect you is if you hurt (mentally) or use them in some kind of way.   That’s truly not my nature, but I have to get over that.

Mental Hell is playing this on repeat

It’s so funny how I can normally identify dysfunction in others, but yet, I couldn’t seem to see it right in front of me.   I was thinking about how messed up my wife’s behavior has been over the course of our marriage and realized that the only reason I didn’t judge her was because she was faithful (as far as I knew).

In reality, when I think of my ideal woman, she was far from it.   Perhaps I deluded myself because I was attracted to her appearance.   What a fool I’ve been.   I know that people don’t really change unless they want to.   She doesn’t really see a problem with treating me in a way she wouldn’t want to be treated.   I dealt with it because I didn’t want to hurt our son.  While I’d understand why our son might do the same thing for his family, I wouldn’t be too mad if he decided to give up.

I also think that it exposes insecurity in me.  Perhaps it’s a natural human inclination to want to avoid abandonment.   It’s also part of my ego fearing that I’m unworthy of her.   But truthfully, I don’t deserve her.  I don’t deserve to be disrespected, unappreciated, and lied to.  I’m not saying that I deserve a 10 (she isn’t a 10).  But I do deserve reciprocity, honest communication, and basic respect.   Without those, then what am I in it for?   Why stay married to someone who either doesn’t get that or doesn’t care enough to provide those things?  Is it really too much to expect those things?

I ‘know’/’knew’ these things.   I’d tell any friend of mine that he or she does deserve those things in a spouse.  That those are the basics.   That if their s/o doesn’t give them those basics at least, then it’s time to move on.   People divorce for good and bad reasons.  In my heart, I could have forgiven the cheating.   But the disrespect, lying, gas lighting, inconsideration  is unacceptable.   This is emotional abuse.

I don’t know how I did’t realize that she is ‘one of those’ type of people that you warn others about falling in love with.   I have to admit that I chose wrong.  It took some time for me to see that.  Unfortunately, we already brought a child into the world and gave him a home.   By the time I figured it out, it was too late.   I’m left with no good options as leaving or staying will result in devastating consequences for him.

In the beginning, she told me that she didn’t want to have a child in a broken home, but yet she tore our home down without even trying to save it.   That last part stings the most as to me. Our family meant everything to me.  It was worth fighting for.   New sex and adventure, while tempting, wasn’t worth losing our nuclear family over.   Yet, I have to admit and eventually forgive the fact that ultimately, it was worth it to her.

I suppose the PR answer if asked in the future why we divorced is that our priorities and values were in different orders.   I wasn’t a saint in this either, I eventually lost my patience.   I called her out.  I said many unkind things to her after the fact.   I told close family and friends about it.   I had a few affairs she didn’t find out about (after her 2nd affair.)   I stopped praying every day for us to work it out.

I don’t regret it.  It wasn’t out of revenge.   I honestly don’t believe it would have hurt her had she found out.  That should have been the sign to get the ball rolling on divorcing.    I did it as an attempt to reclaim my masculinity and sense of worth.   I loved her more than I loved myself.   This was truly an attempt to emotionally disconnect from her.   Was I a victim?  Yes. Unfortunately, I acted like one as well.   I do regret that part.

She used the love of my family as a condition of my happiness against me.  She didn’t consider nor care about how her actions affected me.  Perhaps that was MY problem and not hers.   I was so invested. I thought I was doing the right things.  I tried to be the best husband I could be.  I loved our family more than life itself.   I felt like she owed it to us to at least try to save our family.  If not for me, at least for our son. It just felt so unfair.

How could she do this to me….to us.    What’s the point of getting married if you can just walk away without trying to fix things?  How could new dick and new relationship energy (which eventually gets old) be worth destroying a whole family over.   How could one be so selfish as to hurt everyone that’s supposed to mean the most to you just for some new adventure.   Or was I just that unworthy to her as a husband that it was worth it to her.   That’s the hard part.  I wasn’t perfect, but I really did try.   But that’s the ego speaking.

On a side note:  Let’s address the elephant in the room:    If other women think the sex is good, hell she did enough to say ‘yes’ when I asked her to marry me….and I gave her the freedom to do pretty much anything (except cheat), then what other reason could she have to not even want to try to work on things?  I’ve asked and all she can say is that she’s ‘unhappy’.   Wtf does that even mean?  She can’t or at least won’t even clarify. She just shuts down and scrolls through her cell phone as she usually does when we try to have a real conversation.

Should I really value her opinion of me if she’s willing to do that without even trying?  Our values are totally different.   Maybe she just doesn’t love me anymore.  But it does beg the question of how can you just stop loving someone for no reason other than boredom.

I can’t do this again.  This is why it’s just not wise for a man to emotionally invest in a woman.   This is their nature and all we can do is accept it.   Or end up cucked or best case scenario with a woman who doesn’t care for nor respect you.  They’re too entitled to some vague notion of ‘happiness’ that they can’t even define.   They don’t feel that they should have to work for it.   It’s a excercise in futility as your whole life you’re trying to score a touchdown while the goalposts keep moving.   All the rules in football still apply with the same number of downs.  You can never get tired, and you’ll never reach the in zone.    Marriage is hell.  Perhaps the best way to play is not to try to keep them happy and walk tf away when the game gets too hard.

Do I want revenge?  You’re damn right.   But the best way is to go our here and reclaim my happiness.   I have to overcome this fear that she’ll live happily ever after while I’m stuck missing what could have been.  I fear that after lying, cheating, abusing, and destroying our family, she will still be able to come out on the other side and find happiness.

The reality in that is that it’s really not in my hands.   I can only live my best life using the lessons I learned from this shit show.




Million Dollar Mouthpiece

I’ve always admired and somewhat envied people who had a knack of being funny in conversation.   I’m not sure why, but for most of my life, I was shy.   Not painfully nor awkwardly.  I can hold my own for long enough.   But I never wanted the spotlight on me because I knew that eventually, I’d run out of things to say.   There are very few people I’ve come across where I could just sit and talk for hours (while sober) and feel that space of mental freedom and creativity.

It’s the main reason I drink so much and self medicate.   It’s why I generally stick to myself and don’t go out much.   I’m not sure why this is so hard.   I don’t feel weird around others while sober.  I’m fairly confident.   I’m satisfied with how I look.   I think I’m intelligent enough.  I make decent money.   I just don’t know why I can’t start and maintain an interesting and stimulating conversation with people.

When I come across guys who have the gift of gab, I often find myself a bit jealous.   It’s not that I’m mad that they have it, it just makes me realize how much I wish that I did.   I could be so much more successful in life with it.   When I see an attractive woman, I often don’t approach because I just don’t know what to say.  It’s not that I’m afraid per se.  It’s just that the words and ideas won’t come.

You would think that all you had to do was to start a conversation about what’s going on.   Easier said than done for me.   Even when I replay scenarios in my head, I rarely come up with something that I could have said.

It’s just English.  I’ve been speaking it my entire life.   But yet, formulating interesting enough conversation seems down right impossible when it comes to that.  I don’t even think I’m afraid of rejection.  I get that everyone is not ‘for’ me.   I realize that you never know until you try.   But still, it seems like a suicide mission because I don’t know what to say.  It’s almost like it’s a waste of time and I’d end up feeling worse because it points directly to a problem that I just can’t seem to help.

How odd is it that I can recognize humor and wit, but yet not be able to formulate it on my own?   I can laugh at funny people all day, I can follow their line of reasoning, even agree to a large extent, but yet am unable to articulate myself in that way.    It’s frustrating and infuriating.    I have yet to think of a single thing that is holding me back.   It does seem that something is blocking that part of my mind from working though.

A lot of guys think that money and looks are all that’s needed to get women.   I disagree.  Sure, it might get their attention, but you have to be able to talk.  In fact, I’d say that if your conversation / wit/ humor is on point, those other things aren’t really all that necessary.   They help for sure, but the mouthpiece part is crucial.

I wonder if this is something that can be developed.  It’s gotten to the point that when I’m drunk and in that mood, I ask myself what’s so different.   What is so different about how I feel then that I feel that I can go out and make great conversation with almost anyone?   Why are my responses to what someone says so quick and relevant?   I don’t feel out of my mind.  I still feel like me.  I can still acknowledge all the good and bad in my life, but yet something is different.   I’d call it confidence, but the confidence is due to the fact that I just know what to say.

I realize that most people don’t have the gift of gab.   But i’d say that I’m a little below average in that department.   It bothers me because I recognize it.  I hate that I’m an entirely different person when sober.   But I don’t want to rely on  alcohol.   Come to think of it, I do notice that many of my ‘gifted’ peers drink A LOT.  But there are some who still seem to have it while sober.

I used to study pickup and it made me realize that while ‘outer game’ is interesting enough.   Inner game is where the gold is.   You have to be able to generate the lines and techniques from within.   Outer game is just some guy’s outer expression of an inward feeling.  Being able to emulate the outer technique can work in the right context, but the goal is to be able to reverse engineer it.    My outer game really pretty decent when intoxicated.   But why is my inner game so weak when sober?

I made note of how I feel in my body when drunk and it’s….  I still feel mostly the same, but just a little different.  A little more relaxed.   It’s like I’m looking forward to the future.  My breathing is deep. Slow inhalations and long exhalations.    I feel excited about the future as opposed to unsure.   It’s like I can acknowledge that even though something bad might happen, I’ll be ok.   I can handle it.   I feel that way when sober, but just not excited about it.  Maybe that’s the key.  Feeling excited, yet relaxed?









Dude Really?

The wife and I had a pretty decent although awkward heart to heart this weekend where she confessed that her former lover was still trying to reach out to her.   I didn’t really dwell on it for too long, but afterwards, I began to wonder what dude’s problem is.

I mean, the guy has 3 baby mamas and 5 kids already.  In my mind, he seems to have a knack for talking women into having his kids and pretty much leaving.   From what I gathered from talking to one of his baby mama’s is that he is serial cheater.   Maybe I’m hating, or perhaps my opinion is skewed, but I personally think that he’s a lowlife.

How can a man be ok with breaking up a family.   He’s a black man willing to break up a black family.   Given the landscape of bastard children running around in our communities, how can he seriously be ok with feeling like this is ok.   Is he such a loser that he can’t find a single woman’s life to ruin.  Dude’s almost 40, doesn’t he realize that ‘love’ isn’t just a feeling….that is if he is actually ‘in love’ with her.

I wonder why my wife even entertains him and hasn’t blocked him.   For me, it’s a red flag.   While I appreciate her honesty, it still doesn’t make me feel any better as I really didn’t know if they had stopped talking or not.   Given the way he manipulated her (she’s just as at fault for putting herself in that situation) to betray our friendship and marriage over some male ego gratification kind of thing, I would think she’d be over it as it’s been over a year and she has had time to think about it.

She claims that she is, but still, why would she want to deal with a man who coached her into disrespecting her son’s father and betraying our foundational friendship?   In any capacity.   Sure, she may have gotten swept up in the ‘newness’ of honeymoon ‘lust’, but still, after finding out who this guy really is and how he played her, why wouldn’t she want to close that chapter in her life.

Dudes who break up families over their own selfish lusts in our community are special kind of wicked in my opinion.  How could she trust the manipulative bastard.   To me, he’s pathetic, but of course, me bashing him to her would probably have the effect of drawing her closer to him.   Perhaps he’s not as ‘alpha’ as I thought.   You’d think that he would have moved on by now.   He knows that I am a decent man and father to our kid.  What makes him think that he can bring anything to the table given his child support and potential back child support issues.   I overheard her talk to her friend about how ‘hatian’ men tend to want to have a lot of kids by many women regardless if they can take care of them or not.    But here she is entertaining this asshole.

I did say that attraction can’t be helped, but attraction is not love.   I told her that we can be attracted to bad people and if we act on that attraction, it usually doesn’t end well.   This guy is bad news.   Perhaps he knows what to say, but the fact that he is willing to allow his emotions overcome his principles  makes him unstable as a man.   Ultimately, he’d hurt her pretty bad.   But given his ability to manipulate her, I don’t like the idea of her talking to him period.   He’s bad news.   Again, I’m playing with fire here by saying that much, but at the end of the day, I’m trying to warn her.   For now, I should just leave it alone.   I want to call and curse him out over that, but personally, I don’t feel like it would accomplish anything.   They say not to argue with women (feminine nature), logic, appeals to reason, and morality doesn’t work.   It would be pointless.   If she asks me to then I’ll jump on the opportunity, but until then, all I can do is see the fact she’s entertaining conversation with him as big red flag to keep emotionally distancing myself.

We’re still separated and I’m out here doing my thing.   My lover is amazing, tbh, on paper, she’s quite a catch.  She doesn’t appear to be trapped in conspicuous consumerism.  No kids.  Single, smart, beautiful, successful career, well traveled, and as of now, submissive.  The sex is amazing and plentiful.   She gets my jokes and thinks I’m hilarious.   Of course, after riding the marriage roller coaster, I know that time changes things.   I’m just riding the wave for now recklessly trying to figure out how not to get too emotionally attached.    I don’t want to be in love.   I know that I need to date someone else to help with that, but damn, she pretty much gives me what I’ve been missing for so long.

I know that I’m a hypocrite, possibly due to being afraid of opening back up to my wife.   My lover knows that I am married but separated and does comment that I’m ‘dangerous’.  Flattery, I’m sure, but  I get it.   I think she’s in the same boat of enjoying our time together and trying to balance the whole attachment thing.   We promised each other that we would inform the other if one of us decided to have sex with someone else.   I’m ok with that arrangement.   Honesty has to be the foundation of any type of relationship, especially sexual ones.   I intend to keep good on my word and I’m trusting that she will too.  She doesn’t have anything to lose, she makes way more money than me so she has no reason to try to ‘trap’ me.   It feel really good to be able to trust someone.  Hopefully she won’t disappoint.

The wife and I haven’t had sex in about 6 months.   Last night, I just threw out a text to see if she’d bite.   She kind of poked at it, but didn’t come over.  I figured she wouldn’t but instead of ignoring or dismissing it as she used to, she entertained the idea for a bit.   I’m glad she didn’t though.  I don’t need that on my chest and it would disrupt the wave I’m on right now.

Why risk the relationship with my lover over a woman who I don’t trust right now?   I’m thinking that I’d rather risk it with someone else other than my wife who has proven that she can’t be trusted right now.   Besides, the emotional fallout by having sex with her could be pretty bad.   I’m emotionally disconnecting from her and I gotta keep moving forward.