Pain is love leaving the body

There’s an inspirational quote that workout junkies and gym rats are familiar with that says “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”   Often times, we have to go through tough times in order to overcome.  The pain often refines us, tests us, and if we’re lucky enough to make it out, we are stronger, faster, and better.

I’ve decided to view the pain of heartbreak as love leaving my body.    Each horrendous cortisol infused spike that sends my heart, stomach, and emotions into torment, is similar to a workout rep.   It is just one more rep during the exhaustion phase that feels like it’s tearing me apart.   Unfortunately, I don’t really have much control over this unless I’m mindful all day every day.  But if I remember that each involuntary thought, memory, or whatever trigger that starts this process is simply making me stronger, in theory, it should transmute from something negative into something positive.

I view unrequited love as a virus that I must get over.  Maybe it’s like having the flu and the symptoms of pain are generated as my body fights the virus.   I have to let go of the idea that she is regretful or in pain as this disease only affects a person who actually loves.   Forgiveness looks like not taking personally because it happens to the best of us.  Maybe in an alternate reality, I fell out of love first and didn’t have to go through this.   Who knows.   I just gotta deal with right now.

For now, being in love with someone who doesn’t love me back is a demon that I must fight.  It’s an internal struggle.  I don’t think you can make someone love you back, no matter how much you want it.  Ironically, the only chance to get them back is to get over them.   I mean truly get over them.   In which case, at that point, it really doesn’t matter if it works or doesn’t.

This cannot be seen as a tactic the get them back because by the time you’re done, you probably wouldn’t want them back anyway.   Seriously, you know them now, what they are capable of, and why would you risk it with a person who is capable / and willing to hurt you on such a level.  People fall in love with bad people all the time so don’t be ashamed if it happened to you.  If it were as simple as turning off a switch and being ok, then life would be great.  But it’s not.  You don’t have to like it, but you should accept it.

I am at a point where I don’t want to love her.  It’s truly an addiction at this point.  The reality is that she doesn’t even do anything to enhance my life anymore, in reality, if anything makes it worse.  But i digress…

The key is non resistance.  I acknowledge that I do/did love her.  I thought I fell out a long time ago, but apparently, deep down, there must be something there.   It’s still painful to think that she doesn’t appreciate nor respect me enough not to do certain things.  But as long as I resist or fight the obvious, the more it hurts.  I have to start back practicing radical acceptance.   For everything;  Her actions and my feelings about those actions.

I have to accept that I don’t really have much power of how I feel right now.  I have to accept that I am hurt and it sucks, but I must move on.   It is painful, I’m angry with her for hurting me and myself for allowing myself to be hurt.

Resisting the pain and fighting it actually hurts worse.  When the triggers come, just accept it, don’t fight, just feel it and know that it’s actually there to help me get over it.   Acceptance is sort of like going into a hot sauna realizing that you’re going to deal with it even though it’s super uncomfortable.   Resisting it makes it worse.  Just accept the pain and deal with  it by just feeling it as it comes.

Try to remove all thoughts and just feel the pain in the physical body.   Luckily the intensity doesn’t last forever even though there is a bit of a lingering effect after it leaves you feel better for the time being.   Perhaps i should even try to consciously intensify it in those moments to make sure that I’m not subconsciously resisting a little. The natural inclination of the body is to try to stop the pain.  But focus on the areas of hurt in the body, feel it, intensify and just stew in it for a little.   In a few minutes, the episode will pass and you’ll feel a bit better until the next episode.  Eventually,  I hope, I’ll learn to overcome it without giving in and have it ruin my entire day.

This is the price we pay when we opt to fall in love.   It’s like a hangover from hell.  Yeah the night was fun, but the next day, the headache and nausea is killer.   It’s like overcoming addiction and putting your life back together after partying hard for a few months on hard drugs.   It’s just the price you pay.   The recovery sucks ass, but at least you have a few scars and stories to tell about it.

Keep rocking



Bisexaul Studs… Possible unicorns?

Why does it seem that the coolest females to get along with are the ones who aren’t attracted to men?  For some reason, I’ve always gotten along well with the ‘stud’ type lesbians.

In the African American community, those are the ones who for the most part act and dress like guys.   They are still females to me.   Maybe it’s the male equivalent to females having that ‘gay’ male best friend.   The difference is that I’d actually have sex with her though.   Perhaps that’s because there isn’t as much a stigma of sleeping with bi-sexual women as it is with women sleeping with bi sexual men.  For most black women, the idea of their man sleeping with another man is abhorrent.  For me and I suspect most guys, if a woman slept with another woman in the past, isn’t really that big of a deal.

I mean in many instances, and it almost never fails, they are the types who I can get around and never run out of things to talk about.   I meet a few other guys here and there who I can talk shit with all day, but that’s few and far between.  We usually end up being lifelong friends even though we don’t really communicate that much.    That happens even less with most females.  I haven’t really experienced that with any gay men.   Of the ones I do meet, it’s just a vibe of whatever,  but no interpersonal chemistry.   But there is usually some sort of chemistry with studs that I can’t explain.   I’m unsure if it’s sexual even though I almost convinced an old neighbor of mine to come back home to Africa.  I’m pretty sure that given enough time and opportunity we could have made something happen.

I think it’s partially because they don’t keep up as much drama as most women do.  They don’t seem to thrive on the drama.   They are usually more friendly and down to earth.   They usually like the same things I like.  It also doesn’t seem like the same amount of pressure to say and do the right things.  Conversation just naturally flows, even if there is a silence, it’s not uncomfortable.

There is a feminine qualia about them that makes them seem vulnerable enough to want to protect them.   I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the ones who actually look like dudes.   I’m talking about the cute ones who dress like dudes.  They have pretty faces and nice bodies underneath the baggy clothes.   They don’t seem to have that sense of entitlement of ‘I deserve’ or ‘Princess Syndrome” that most of these modern women have.   The ones i’m referring to don’t act ‘hard’ and are out there “wishing a nigga would.”  The seem to listen and in a lot of ways, respect you more than the average woman does.   It’s really hard to explain, but it’s like they actually listen to what you say as if they are taking advice and not feeling criticized.  They seem to have to ability to be objective and self reflect better or something.  The ones I dealt with actually had interesting hobbies and did more than just watch reality tv, talk about vacations, and stay on Instagram all damn day.   We could actually converse about heavier subjects without them getting bored and even joke about serious topics.  In many ways there is something more feminine about them than your typical “love and hiphop”/” housewives of Atlanta” wanna be females.

I mean seriously, I could have fallen hard for a few of them if the opportunity presented itself.  I can think of 4 right now that I wish I had more time with.    I just wonder how the sex thing would work because I’m a freak and all, but there is no way in hell I’m getting pegged with a strap on.  She’d have to have sex with me in for things to work, but we could work it out where she could have a girl on the side.

The older I get and the more I learn about the typical woman’s nature, the less I’m starting to like them.   I’m still attracted physically, but now is the part of figuring out how to have sex with them without either becoming attached or getting them too attached.   I have to strike the balance of not giving a fuck without necessarily lying or manipulating them to make them want to have sex.

I wonder if I’m the only guy who experiences this.  Most of my male friends I’ve asked never really knew any so they say that they don’t know.   Maybe it’s just me, but yeah, I think I should try and get old girl’s number.