Double minded thoughts of a betrayed spouse

I was cheated on and betrayed by my wife. Aside from the gaslighting, emotional cruelty, and sex outside of marriage during the affair….it was later discovered that she had him listening in to our bedroom conversations where I shared my deep pain caused by the affair. This was during a period of false reconciliation on her behalf.

What’s worse is that the guy actually got off to it. He also orchestrated a plan to have her masturbate, tease me by not having sex or frustrate me while he listened and masturbated on the other end.

The next day, they’d have a laugh about it as he told her…in essence, that I wasn’t man enough for her.

Sometimes, she would hang up, pretending that the phone got disconnected and we actually did have sex afterwards….she lied to him as well.

She still cannot or will not explain how she could betray me in such way.

She betrayed our marriage in the worst way by having an affair despite knowing the intense pain it caused. But she betrayed our friendship by being that disrespectful.

But yet, I’m still here. Mostly due to the financial difficulty of moving on, but for some reason I find myself still on some level wanting to fix this.

In truth, I could just deplete the last bit of my savings and move out. It’s still not off the table.

Either her finances are taking a toll or she’s plotting something. How could she be making so much money, but yet be behind on bills.

She’s still lying about a secret apartment she had while separated and when confronted about it recently, lied to my face.

Why am I deep down hoping and wishing that she couldn’t be so evil. But I can’t but help wonder if she is planning to move on, take my son, lawyer up and leave me high and dry while inflicting as much humiliation and pain as she can along the way.

That she reels me in just long enough to give me hope until she can fully execute this plan.

Other times I wonder if it’s just a fog that she’s in and she will finally see that her affair partner is a manipulative evil sob who derives pleasure from humiliating those he percieves as less than or weaker than him.

Manipulative or not, what could cause her to choose to betray me that way? I’ve always been good to her and our son. I never felt that I was a pushover (well until recently due to this situation)…..but I’ve always spoken up or done something when I felt slighted or disrespected.

I’ve given her the opportunity to end this amicably and yet she takes advantage by telling me to stay. I’ve asked her to talk about finances and custody arrangements…. only to be met by stonewalling or diverting the conversation.

She says she’s sorry, again. She feels bad about what she did. But when asked how she could betray me like that a second time, she simply responds with….”I wasn’t happy at the time.”. The same reason she gave for cheating in the first place.

Though I had suspicions she was still in contact with f***boy when she moved back, I never would have thought her as morally capable of this type of treachery. He lives 14 hours away with one of his baby mom’s so physical contact isn’t a issue right now.

The signs were still there though. Secretive about the phone, coming home late from work, and always being on the phone.

As I write this, I realize how stupid I sound for even wanting to be with someone who not only doesn’t love me, but obviously doesn’t respect me.

I could point the finger and say that she has no self respect. But there are three pointing back say the same to me.

It’s so bizarre how my wife could transform so quickly from a decent person…. Sure she had her flaws…. But she was never so wicked. Even her family and friends who I still respect vouched for her as being a great catch. Hell I didn’t even know she was so unhappily married the first time. She acted a bit stressed, but we both figured that she worked too much and we both looked for other jobs. I even offered to take on a part time in addition to my full time so she could work part time until she found something better. Still though.

How could she betray our marriage, friendship, and our son (indirectly) like that?

Becsuse God has forgiven me for my sins. I’m a Christian, accept Jesus as my Lord and savior. I walked away from my faith for a while, considering myself agnostic. I still stumble, but I’m trying and I see it working in my life…..I can’t judge her. I know He hates divorce and divorcing her is the fruit of me judging her.

My vows tell me for better or for worse and that love is patient, kind, long-suffering, doesn’t lift itself up, etc…. i think My Bible has been telling me that we are sometimes highest when we are brought low. And I should trust, pray, and wait on God. That this is a battle that only He can win. That he can strengthen me and to keep fighting for her…..for our family….that even though the world sees me as a fool and a sucker…..that I can’t be friends with the “world” and God at the same time.

My mind says to cut my losses. She’s a lost cause. She doesn’t love me and that’s cool. Maybe I’m hurt because she rejected me, but I’ll be ok. Tbh, she’s not that much of a catch either considering her lack of morals. I have a laundry list of things I don’t like about her…..she betrayed the fuck out of me unnecessarily….. it’s not really on me that our son gets hurt because she created the conditions that damaged our marriage this badly….she is selfish a.f. …. I could air her out or not and still take the moral high ground either way. Even if she ends up with her affair partner, that’s a train wreck waiting to happen given his actions so far. She traded down as far as I’m concerned.

Still though, I wonder if I’m staying because of my vows and serious desire to not to want to hurt my son so deeply. He doesn’t know, but I suspect he knows something isn’t quite right.

Or do I truly lack self esteem and self respect. Am I hurting so bad emotionally because her rejection proves that she didn’t love me as much as I loved her. I know that her not loving me back has nothing to do with me as a person…. especially if she could fall for him….

Either way, should the love for my family, commitment to my vows, and desire to have a home for our son come at the cost of my own personal peace and self respect. Is this really the last time? All I have is her word.

Someone told me that it’s not over until I’m done. I just wish I knew if I was or not not.

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