Maybe I am the asshole for this one

So I’ve been seeing my lover for the past 5 going on 6 years now. In a couple of years it will be about the same amount of time me and STBXW were ‘good’ in our marriage. Time really flies. I’ve been for the most part faithful….minus a slip up in the beginning with STBXW and she has as far as I know….minus that one time she went out with that douchebag… been faithful……

But it’s been a lot of time and she obviously wants to…..scratch that….been wanted to move on. I’ve never told her to wait on me. I just asked that she be honest. In order to get away from me, she moved back to her home town. Now my dumb ass is flying to see her every month or so.

I see her as a good friend. I really do adore and love her…..But I don’t think I’m in love with her. Not in the way I was with STBXW. In the past, I never really felt like I was ‘in love’ with any of my ex’s b4 stbxw….. but I grew to love them and we usually ended up moving in together or something. They cheated. I was faithful. Always been the faithful/good boyfriend type. Just never been really ‘in love’…… The irony huh. I was hurt when they did it, but it didn’t really hurt that much.

Looking back, i remember feeling like it was just time to end things…..I didn’t care to work it out. I just remember wanting them to leave. The sadness remained for a week or two…..I was never bitter though.

I’m neither proud nor ashamed to say it, but my relationship goal before meeting stbxw was that I wanted two or 3 cool baby mamas. That song changed after it met her.

I was heartbroken when STBXW gave me the classic….”I love you, but I’m not in love with you line.” I don’t think I could ever forget that day. I remember going outside to get some air and then dry heaving all over the driveway. So I guess I could say that I was truly in love with her.

That said, given my experience with being “in love”…. I don’t care to do that again. I’m cool with just loving someone and having them love me back. That said, I never wanted to marry any of my ex’s. And I really can’t see myself marrying my lover….or anyone else for that matter. Not that I want to go back to stbxw. I really regret the day I met her….but at least I have my son so it wasn’t all for nothing.

The lack of being “in love” however does present a bit of a problem for me since I don’t have the motivation to “move heaven and earth” to be with her. I like doing nice things for her and I do like putting a smile on her face. I do adore her and i imagine it would hurt if we call things off. But as with most of my ex’s…. tbh, I always figured things would end sooner or later. Maybe it’s my insecurities or maybe I just never really trusted women like that or maybe I just didn’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness. Besides, for some reason, I always had the inclination that this would end any day now for the past 6 years.

It started off as a hook up, turned to fwb, turned to damn we still talking to DAMN WE STILL KICKING IT. She has been there with me through a lot and did help me regain some of my self esteem after the marriage fiasco.

This leads me to NOW….where I’ve been hearing and seeing that men shouldn’t “lead women on”. I never really thought about the fact that I could be leading her on. I always figured she would eventually leave or get bored or tired or find someone else. I never led her on in the sense of making future plans with her. We did both say that we were being reckless with our hearts. I think that she likes and adores me too. And the sex is amazing. But in the end, I don’t know if we are really compatible enough for marriage. It’s all fun and games, but based on … well a lot of things…. I don’t know if our differences could be enough to fulfill her in an actual relationship relationship.

I’m good. I’d like be ok with marrying someone I’m not “in love” with. I don’t think I need the tingly ’emotions’ to be a good man/husband. As I said before, i was pretty content in my other relationships and even though I wasn’t in what I’d describe as “in love”….I did love them and didn’t feel the need to be with anyone else at the time. But I believe that women operate a bit differently and I think her “love” for me may be based more on being “in love” than actually loving me. Even though I was “in love” with STBXW and I beleive she was “in love” with me…..looking back, I don’t think she actually loved me… when the thrill was gone….so was she.

Because I’m not exactly planning for our future….and I know that she wants marriage and kids before it’s too late…. and maybe she loves me more than I thought she did….. maybe I should let her go. Like, she wants to take things to the next level and I’m pretty good where I am.

From what I’m hearing….5 years is an awfully long time to be ‘seeing’ someone and not progressing the ‘relationship’ to the next level. I don’t know what would even look like. I have a wife that I don’t even want. I’ve been there done that and not trying to do it again.

This has made me realize that I really need to be more adamant and clear about NOT wanting to FALL IN LOVE. Not wanting to be in a RELATIONSHIP…. and NOT seeking marriage…..unless otherwise specifically stated. Shit man, this sucks because I am starting to feel like I did waste her time. I was having fun, enjoying our friendship but naaah. As usual, she (women) want more. Why can’t she just leave well enough alone. Maybe have a kid or two….but nah….her reputation wouldn’t allow that.

Perhaps I am toxic now. But if not wanting to be “in love” makes me toxic, then I’ll be the radio active man.

How is she the prize again?

I was thinking….maybe I am a bit more arrogant than I thought. I mean, I really don’t see the use for a woman in my life. My friend was asking if the only use I have for a woman is sex….and after really deliberating about it…..I gotta say yeah.

I was in denial at first about it. But now that I think about it….outside of sex and intimacy, what use is she of to me. I can cook. I can clean. She isn’t really taking care of me. Her money is her money. I could for the most part deal with that. But, to me the juice really doesn’t seem to be worth the squeeze.

What I mean is….the return upon investment seems nil. It’s too much work involved. They’re too needy. I don’t own a pet because they require too much work and I’m afraid of getting too emotionally attached. But at least with a pet, you don’t have to worry about getting EVERYTHING right to keep their loyalty.

With a woman you have to be there for her emotionally and spiritually. You have to keep her entertained. You have make sure the sex doesn’t get stale or boring. You have to take her out. Wine and dine her. Take her on trips and vacations. Valentines day, birthdays, just because gifts. Keep her socialized. Put her in her place without being too “controlling”. Give her love and affection, even if you don’t feel like it. Do things that you may not necessarily feel like doing to keep her appeased. Go to counseling if she feels unhappy. Try to read her mind and make sure she’s just not saying she’s happy. You become responsible for her happiness. Do right and be a “good boy” then she might give you a little head for your birthday.

Like all this extra stuff for what? Pussy and a little cuddle time. Then if you fail in keeping her happy, she’s just gonna leave, cheat and say some stupid shit like she cheated because she was unhappy. Then society blames you for not giving her what she needed if shit goes sideways. Or they call you a simp or sucker. If she disrespects you, you just gotta walk away and face the fact that you weren’t “man” enough to keep her.

Seriously, what do I get for all this work and all of this risk. I’ll wait…… a pair of socks for father’s day? A woman who’s sex drive gradually fades until she either stops giving it to your or she’ll give you some pity pussy out of some sense of obligation.

Relationships are WORK to maintain and it seems to me that the man is expected to do the majority of it…..yet in a twist of irony, 9 times out of 10, she’s the one who wants it. Then again, perhaps I would too if I was only required to do the least while she put in the heavy lifting. 80% of divorces are filed by women but of those 80% I wonder how many of those husbands felt pressured to “shit or get off the pot” so to speak.

Wanting a modern woman is like wanting a pet tiger. Expensive, they are needy, and if you aren’t careful, they can seriously injure (if not kill) you. These modern women aren’t help meets anymore, they’re more like trophies. The more I think about it, they should be considered expendable. A man is to them. Why be loyal to a person who sees you as not much more than a means to an end. Why give love and devotion to a person who basically sees you as a utility? The conditional nature of her ‘love’ for you is like working a job.

Perhaps Kevin Samuels was right…..”high value men” don’t cheat, they exercise options. If he has made himself desirable to many women, then he should be able to have many of them. This comes down to the fact that the reason WHY she wants him is ONLY because of what he has. If he lost it, then she probably wouldn’t want him anymore. So, while he has it, why should he be loyal to her?

If her love, loyalty, and devotion comes with a price tag, then perhaps a man should be able to ob

Yeah Right

I did a google search on “why do people feel that they deserve love.” In a twist of irony, the entire front page results was full of titles saying “why do some people feel like they don’t deserve love.” Am I really that damaged? I don’t think anyone DESERVES it, but it’s nice to have if you’re looking for it. Well I mean love in a romantic sense anyway.

I don’t know that I deserve that kind of love. Or rather I don’t feel entitled to it. Maybe because I’m convinced that the romantic kind of love doesn’t exist in an unconditional state. I think it’s very much temporal and has more to do with how someone feels about you at the time. While it is nice to have the feeling that someone desires you, it’s not something one should base their esteem or feelings on because….like most ‘feelings’ they are subject to change.

My friend and I seem to be unable to resolve our dispute about the nature of love in a romantic situation. She seems to think that if a man doesn’t want to marry a woman, he’s just wasting her time and using her for sex. Her favorite quote is “if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kat.” I think you can love and respect someone in a sexual context, but not feel like you need to be with them forever.

What the fuck does she mean by “wanting her”? It seems so nonsensical to me that I can’t even articulate what she could possibly even mean by that. Like want her for what? To be with? I guess. But for what though. Like to have in your life? I can’t imagine desiring someone to that point. It seems foolish because that sort of desire to want to be with someone gives them too much power over you. Like how possessive to you have to be to desire someone that bad and how narcisstic do you have to be to want someone to want you like that. I was about as “in love” as one could get with STBXW and trust me, I cannot find a single redeeming reason for it being a good thing….other than to serve as a warning to not do that again. I mean, I don’t believe it gives me a license to do wrong by someone because I’m not infatuated … but just saying. What is she talking about?

I love the people that I love right, but I wouldn’t describe it as ‘wanting’ them. What the fuck does she mean. I had a half hour text convo with her on the subject and I’m still lost as all get out. So I’ll ask google.

I think she probably means that she wants someone to be “in love” with her. She wants a guy who is infatuated with her before she gives it up. That makes sense. If she longs for that feeling. To me, it’s a power play. I personally believe if your give that to woman, you are sacrificing a lot more than they realize. And once she actually realizes that you are indeed “in love” with her, it strokes her ego. Perhaps it makes her feel “worthy”. She should be careful of lovebombing narcs as they could take advantage if they play the game right.

On the other hand, because I’ve been in love with a woman, I understand the sacrifices you’ll do for them (which usually favors them), and it’s not so easy to turn off. Even if they fuck you over. I think they want it for the power they feel over you, but once they have it….. well, absolute power corrupts absolutely. She’s also subject to take out all her trauma upon you because she knows that she has you and you’re not going anywhere. Once she’s gotten her fix … or healed…. she’s subject to discard you if you’ve taken too much disrespect from her and she’ll start to look for greener grass elsewhere. She’ll see you as weak and lose respect for you. Once the respect is gone, so is the love, and she doesn’t give a fuck about what you did for her or would still be willing to do. In the end you really don’t matter to her. I stand by the notion that a woman loves you until she doesn’t.

They say that you can either love women or understand them. I learned that the hard way.

The bible says to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Legend has it that Christ took on all the sins of the church and faced the torture they had coming to them….some legends saying that he went to literal hell before his resurrection. I wonder if this isn’t a suggestion to potential “husbands”, but a forewarning of what happens if you love your ‘wife’ as christ loved the church. You’re going to take on all of her trauma, go thru hell (emotional torture), have her reject you, betray you, spit on you, and deny you in the end…..all because you “love” her. The key to getting you to that place of “love” is being “in love”/in infatuation with her.

Could be a stretch, but that doesn’t sound too appealing to me. Yeah, I’ll love, but stall me out on that being “in love” infatuation shit. I’m still clawing my way back out from the hell STBXW put me through. And she doesn’t appreciate it. Maybe it makes u stronger, but shit…..I’m still trying to get over her bullshit. Despite understanding her nature now, it still won’t just shut off and it’s been a struggle every day to deal with the invasive thoughts, anxiety, fluctuating emotions, and all the other bull that comes along with it. Jesus dealt with it for 3 days. I’m still here 5 plus years later trying to figure out how to completely free myself. I hate it here.

Different Values

I had an interesting conversation with STBXW over the weekend which gave me more insight into how she processes things in the world. In short, I came away from the conversation fully convinced that she is indeed selfish AF.

The question was if I thought it was ok if she decided to take kiddo on a vacation, but not invite me if I couldn’t afford it. The context was if she and I were not ‘estranged’ from each other. Her argument is that why should she pay for me (or her husband) to go if he couldn’t afford it. She says that it wouldn’t be fair for her to pay for the majority of the trip and if I wanted to go, I would either figure out a way to make more money or not go. She then asked if it would be fair to require her to pay my way.

My rebuttal is that I suppose that maybe it wouldn’t be fair to require it. But it’s kind of fucked up that she’d feel that way. For me, it’s about reciprocity. How would it look if the shoe was on the other foot and I decided to take kiddo on a trip somewhere, yet my wife couldn’t afford it. What would it look like if I told her that since she couldn’t pay her way, then she couldn’t come. Especially if I could afford it. In my view, if we couldn’t all go, then we can’t afford it. To me it’s about family…..every member included (on that type of trip) or none.

She then tells me that the man is supposed to be the provider, but if he decided that if that’s what he wanted to do with his money, then it was his right to be that way. Perhaps she needs a man who thinks like that.

This does directly oppose my view on things. As a man, I make money so that that my entire family can benefit from it. Not just me and our children. My wife is also included in this. In addition, because (in my case) I actually do pay 50% of the bills, this does allow her to be able to save that money that (if she were single) she’d have to spend on mortgage/rent, utilities, healthcare, food,etc…..which allows her to be able to afford the vacation in the first place.

But even if I wasn’t paying 50% or if she could still afford the trip regardless…..why would she feel that it’s ok to leave her significant other behind on a ‘family’ trip. For sake of the conversation, I did concede that one s/o wasn’t entitled to the other’s money. But if you’re married, I think that you are. The courts and law seem to feel that way. And in principle, I think that for the most part, you are. You are ONE as a family….not saying it’s wise or ethical to take advantage, but you are entitled to it under the law. If I wanted to be a dirty a**hole, I could just take her debit card and run up the money in her account…..even if it wasn’t in a joint account. Obviously that would be immoral, but still, I’d have the right to do it.

Either way, it shows me that she isn’t a team player and for her, though we were married, she felt that it was still a every man for himself type of situation. This mentality, along with her lack of morality insofar as betrayal, infidelity, and cheating is concerned is further proof that she just isn’t a good WIFE. … at least for me. She could (and did) take advantage. To me, she’s for the streets….in deed and in mentality. One cannot enter into a marriage with a selfish/me first mentality and expect happiness. One has to (imo) be a giver more than a taker.

I know that opposites attract, but I wonder what a relationship with two givers would be like.

I did tell her that her selfishness in the matter plays out in her immoral actions. On some level she HAS to know that infidelity and betrayal is wrong. That her ‘every person for himself’ mindset somehow contributed to her actions. Even if she felt ‘justified’ in her mind, she KNOWs that somewhere it is wrong, even if she can’t really explain why. I do realize that she probably won’t get it nor see a correlation, but it makes perfect sense to me. Selfish people do selfish things. Selfish people don’t care about how their behavior affects others. Selfish people will throw you under the bus to save themselves. And selfish people cannot thrive / be happy in a relationship where they feel they are sacrificing for others. Even if both parties are sacrificing for the greater goal of a shared interest. In this case, our nuclear family.

I don’t want my son to grow up thinking that her values are good. He should know that people like that exist though. I don’t know how to teach him, expose him to hers, without making her out to be the bad guy and affecting their relationship. Another reason I know that she’s wrong for this is that i personally believe if I suggested we both present our cases to him, she’d refuse to do so and probably say something along the lines of it’s none of his business.

This woman needs therapy, but she doesn’t believe it in spite of her hypocrisy. Despite being unable to stand on or defend her counter arguments, she still chooses to leave her beliefs unchanged or unexamined. How do people like this grow into better people? I think she’s too old at this point and is set in her ways. Unless she hits rock bottom, she’ll continue to live in the selfish world of non self reflection, self gratification, materialism, and shallowness. They say you can’t tell a black woman over 30 with money shit. This unfortunately seems to be true. And if this is the case, how the hell can you lead such a stubborn person? Especially if you don’t have any leverage against her. You can’t leverage money, morals, ethic, reasoning, logic. You can’t beat her ass. The only option left, is to leave. She’ll only dig her heels in even deeper if you stay….and continue to be stubborn at the cost of your mental health and self dignity. I’m left with no alternative…….Sorry kiddo.

I viewed her as someone she isn’t and in many ways, blamed myself for it. I fell “in love” with who I thought she was, but either she lied or I was projecting, probably a little bit of both…..but either way, she isn’t who I thought she was. The woman I fell in love with wouldn’t / couldn’t have that mentality. I fell in love with an illusion. When the illusion died, I held on the the ghost of that illusion which was personified into who she really is. The discrepancy really fucked with me mentally.

But i am letting go. Not sure why it’s taking so long, but time heals all wounds. Just wish the remaining time would fly by.

Leading On

My friend and I have been having discussions about how FWB situations tend to be a big time waster. I argue that failed relationships are. She says that she believes that one should leave relationships that no longer serves them. My response is that the end result is the same. Wasted time. For the record I don’t really think either are wasted time. Both can be learning experiences and I also see them kind of like a vacation. You know that it will end sooner or later, but from my perspective, you’re just not attached to the idea of living at the the destination forever. Eventually you’re gonna go back home (singleness).

Lately though, I’ve been hearing about how it’s bad to lead people on. My lover has been more adamant recently about wanting to take things to another level. I’ve been confronted with the idea that maybe I am wasting her time. I adore her and I love her in many ways. But I don’t think that I want the responsibility that comes along with an actual relationship. We make good friends and lovers, but there are certain things about her behavior that concerns me. Perhaps I am wrong because I do like the attention and it feels good to be wanted by someone. Things seem to be progressing between us to the point where saying “love you” has started slipping out and “babe” has turned into “baby”. It’s been about 5 years and somehow despite not wanting to be “That Guy” who drags a woman on without planning on marriage….. Here I am.

She does have some accountability in this as well. I’ve never told her that she couldn’t date or see other people. At times, I wonder if she does, but so far, either she hasn’t met anyone yet or things just didn’t work out between them. It’s not a good look for her though. I’m sure that her peers have questions. She also has friends who have met their spouses after we met and ended up married within a year or two. We were joking the other day that we have been seeing each other for longer than Kardashian marriages have lasted. I’m starting to feel the pressure to “shit or get off the pot” so to speak. I wouldn’t mind showing her off and letting her meet the rest of my friends and family…..but a few complications arise.

The fact that we see each other in short bursts kind of keeps things fresh between us. I think it’s the main reason as to why the sex hasn’t become stale. We also aren’t doing real life together and getting on each others nerves. This is bound to change if we were to do the natural thing and move in together. Based on our differences in what I know about her, I don’t know if we have what it takes when the lust factor wears off.

There is also the fact that even though I wasn’t intending for things to get this far, she is a rebound of sorts. I hadn’t really gotten through STBXW’s betrayal. Though we are estranged and have progressively become moreso since her waywardness began, we are still married on paper and haven’t really sat down and discussed issues like custody. We both share the blame as I have tried several times, but she isn’t really good a planning or confronting difficult conversations. I think she knows that she’s at a disadvantage despite being the woman. The reality is that I hold all the cards. While she does have more ‘freedom’ to move around and what not. Because I have been the primary caretaker in our child’s life in the past few years and it’s easily proven, I have a really good shot at receiving full time custody of kiddo. Her being the primary breadwinner would also pretty much assure that I have a good chance of receivng child support….as opposed to me having to pay it. Perhaps this is another reason she’s dragging her feet in the matter. Essentially though, as of now, I do come with baggage if I were to take on my lover. Plus, my son’s ignorance on the matter would make things seem weird and I don’t know about introducing him to my lover. For some reason it feels like a sort of betrayal. Me and his mother haven’t handled this well. But as the man, I feel that the responsibility is mostly mine despite my lackluster attempts to discuss things with her.

Another thing is that if she were my girl, she’d have to change her behavior. If I’m honest, I’m not comfortable with the fact that my lover does travel a lot for her job and her school program. The travel part is fine, but while out, she is a ‘party’ girl who likes to get drunk and party all night. This is a bit concerning to me because I know she gets flirty and if the right circumstances come along, it’s a recipe for random hook ups. I haven’t really addressed it or put my foot down on it because despite not wanting something like that to happen, who am I to tell her what she can and cannot do as far as that goes. I told her to just be honest about if she does. But you know how that goes. If she were my girl, I could find myself losing sleep over it. Plus people tend to want to do the thing they arent’ supposed to do and she may feel more temptation to hook up with randos if we were in a committed relationship. TBH, I don’t think she has so far, but I haven’t put it past her.

The other big factor and this speaks to my fear of not being enough for her in the end. It’s all fun and games when I’m just the guy who spends the ocassional weekend with her….but if we were to actually become a ‘thing’ her friends are bound have questions about my economic status. I do ok financially, but she and many of her friends make way more money than me. I’m ok with this for now, but I wonder how she would end up feeling about it in the end. We’ve had the conversation before and she says she’s fine with it. She seems down to earth insofar as believing that money comes and goes. She said “I could lose everything tomorrow”, but I’d like to have someone by my side who has my back. It sounds good on paper, but I don’t think she has actually factored in the social pressure. She does have another freind who’s husband is a cop. I think he probably makes around what I make, maybe a little less considering they live in a major east coast city. This friend does make some major money though, so maybe it won’t be that bad.

Still though, I can’t afford a big wedding nor an expensive wedding ring. Given her proclivity to like ‘nice’ things…..and she may be able to afford the costs, I wonder if she would build resentment in the end.

But despite the timing of all of this and my concerns, I am wondering if I am indeed wrong for all of this. Things just seem to be organically moving in a certain direction. I’m not ready and I believe my concerns are legit. Perhaps I do need to really sit down and discuss these concerns with her.

Broken Soul

In the beginning of STBXW’s waywardness, I used to lean on one of my co-workers for support. He once told me that my problem is that I’m trying sense of something that makes no sense. In other words, by definition, something illogical isn’t logical so stop twisting my mind in pretzels trying to figure out how to make 2 + 2 = 5.

I’m trying to make sense of how in the fuck STBXW justifies her actions, thoughts, and behavior…..which all seem immoral, selfish, and illogical….yet somehow she maintains she’s a good person who deserves “happiness”. In my world, you get what you deserve. If you do bad things it makes you a bad person. Bad people don’t deserve good things. I know the world doesn’t always work like that, but the general framework I operate by is to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” At the very least, we are judged by our actions and good people don’t intentionally do bad/hurtful things to others if they have the power to avoid them.

Lying is a bad thing, breaking up a family is a bad thing, betraying someone is a bad thing, cheating is a bad thing, being a side chick is a bad thing…. and so forth. How could she ever hold anyone accountable if they were to do those things to her? How could she get angry if someone stole from her, abused her, or even scammed her out of money? Perhaps her mentality is that ‘goodness’ is an option, but so is doing evil….even if causes hurt/harm. This chick is indeed dangerous, but playing this game is gonna get her hurt by wicked people. It’s just a matter of time.

STBXW claims to have hired a divorce attourney for the noncontested divorce. I asked her who the attourney was and she did not give me her name. When asked why, she was got defensive asking “Why do you want to know” and “I hired them, so I’ll take care of it.” So…. how are we going to have an amicable divorce if she’s still combative, uncooperable, and secretive. This is another example of how her lack of cooperation, trust, and communiction led to the irreperable damage of our marriage.

I’m not perfect, but dude, come on, I will take some accountability on my shortcomings in the marriage, but I can’t believe that the majority of the breakdown came from me. At times, I wish there was a third party who could participate and either show me where I’m wrong at or show her how she’s being difficult and unfair.

It makes me wonder if she is purposely evil or is she really ignorant. While the outcome is the same, it makes a difference in how I look at her. I can’t trust her either way. I used to worry about her finding someone else, but now I realize that she’s gonna just blow that up too eventually. And if a guy is foolish enough to take her on, then it’s just a matter of time before the sees the true her behind the mask. The last time I snooped through her phone, I saw the lovebombing attempts at several men. This woman is dangerous, but any man dealing with her seriously knowing she’s married probably has karma coming to him.

I would be more hurt if she was actually worth losing. Yeah, it sucks to lose my family, but she’s like a an infected limb to me at this point. It’s better to amputate than to keep it and risk infection to the rest of the body. A lying, backstabbing, adulterous, secretive, selfish, and unwise woman isn’t worth having around. Even with my imperfections, a good woman would still have stayed on her square and maintained her integrity….even if she felt that had to walk away from the marriage. She would have been open, transparent, and if she did stumble along the way, would have taken accountability instead of digging her heels in. A good woman would have understood the importance of a nuclear household and would have communicated her discontent in the relationship instead of going out to cheat. I didn’t push her out here, she willing walked and chased based on her lusts and entitlements. She wasn’t concerned at how this would affect the family. Her wants (not needs) took presidence over the needs of her family. As the bible says about the foolish woman: “she tears down her home with her own hands”.

So if there is another guy out there, he can have her. She’s broken mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and doesn’t even realize it. She does have outer beauty, but the inner part is severely lacking. It’s like paying full price for a sports car that looks good on the outside, but has a blown engine, needs electrical work, and vin issues. She thinks that just because she can hack the ‘check engine’ light to not come on, she’s a catch.


I think that because of how things with STBXW went down, i may be blaming all women for her behavior and in a way, it’s not fair. I am pretty good a generalizing them and this is illogical on my behalf since women (like all groups of people who may share certain superficial characteristics) aren’t really a monolith. I don’t like it when people say ALL men do this or that…..or if ALL black people do this or that. So it’s definitely wrong that I should do so with ALL women.

Perhaps women are like the english language in that there is an exception to every rule. The problem with redpill and manosphere spaces is that they do a pretty good job at interviewing or showcasing a specific type of woman and then presenting it as if ALL women are like them. This is easily echoed back because we have all experienced that type of woman somewhere in our lives. It’s what brought many of us to the manosphere in the first place.

It’s no denial that the top content creators in the genre are making money hand over fist. This can lead to an echo chamber of sorts where people come to try and explain away their failed relationships or why they are having difficulty in the dating market place.

If I am honest about two things….

1)in my real life/in the real world, I don’t know of too many women who behaved/behaves like STBXW…..not saying they don’t exist and I that I haven’t heard of them from close sources, but the majority of them don’t. Online would make you think that almost all women cheat, are hypergamous, users, superficial, combative, and moronic. Though I know a few that might fall into that category, they seem to be the minority from what I can tell. Outside of having a tendency to foolishly fall for Romeo’s and player types, most seem pretty normal to me.

2)I really don’t put myself out there to talk to a lot of women to really make that determination. Between not wanting to potentially hurt my lover (by seeing other women)…..though I know it’s a matter of time before she starts seeing someone else…. not having much time to date (as we haven’t discussed our breakup with kiddo and I’m like a single father)… and being somewhat introverted when it comes to approaching women in a romantic sense…..

I really can’t say for sure that most or all women are like that. How can I even determine if women will give me a chance if I don’t play the numbers game anyway?

What if they are like me…..they like who shows interest in them.

If I don’t show any interest, then why should they even give me a second thought. In my daily life, I see a ton of women I might give a chance to even if they aren’t the most “attractive” in the world. But if they don’t show me any interest, I’m not really motivated to try and get to know them….unless, I find them “my type” physically. I can count on one hand the number of women I’ve felt was ‘my type’ physically in the last 5 years or so. I do see exceptionally pretty women fairly often, but most often, they still don’t fall into the category of “my type”. STBXW did and I think maybe this is another reason I found it so hard to let it go. She isn’t a an IG 10, but i don’t know what to tell you….I like petite brown skinned women who look a certain way…..thank god she doesn’t have dreads.

I wouldn’t classify my lover as “my type” physically, although I do think she’s attractive. It’s debatable who is actually prettier on the open market. However, If we hadn’t met that day under those circumstances, I probably wouldn’t have felt the need to go over and talk to her if I saw her randomly out and about. We just so happened to talk, exchange information, got to know each other, and the rest is history.

This other woman I work with is showing me a lot interest. Again, I normally wouldn’t have paid much attention to her, but she seems to go out of her way to remind me that she’s around and does nice things for me. It makes me interested, but I’m not trying to pursue because of the aforementioned reasons.

This does still lead me back to….do I want a relationship in the first place. It might be superficial, but the way I see things now, I really have no use for a woman for anything outside of sex and intimacy. But I also beleive that women just love you until something better comes along or they get bored….so i guess we’re even….(maybe I need to rethink this idea, but for now, it at least protects me from ‘falling in love’)

In the case of my lover, she’s so successful that I don’t really feel that I can be meaningful to her. I mean I like to try and make her happy, but I also think that over simping is one thing that ultimately killed the attraction between me and STBXW. In the case of my co worker, I make quite a bit more money than her, even though I don’t believe she likes me for money…..but if we were to ever get serious or something, I might feel a bit more secure because I’d feel that I could make a difference in her life.

But the truth is I don’t think that I need either one. It’s like relationships only work if one person wants the other and if that want wears off, then you’re discarded like a used plastic cup. These days, it’s hard for me to commit because I think that I’m disposable to a woman, so it’s hard to put my heart into it beyond appreciating, adoring, and loving (as a friend). Besides, putting your heart into it seems to be how you actually KILL the attraction. I need to be able to fully walk away without the ‘need’ to hold on.

If I am honest though, I do want to fall in love and try again. It’s just that, I don’t know if I can. What that would look like or how I should even act. It is the simp in me that’s dying hard. I do want to make a woman happy. It makes me feel good to buy flowers or a thoughtful gift for my lover. It actually turns me on to go down on her. It makes me want to bust when I feel her orgasm. But on the flip side, I hate when she’s angry or hurt even though I know it’s not my JOB to fix her emotions. I’m still a bit codependent. To remedy this, I just play it cool, knowing that someday she’s gonna move on. I’m not jumping off another gotdamned cliff even though I know it’s unfair to compare her to STBXW.

Free er but still Bound

Trauma bonds are real. Despite knowing that STBXW just isn’t good for me, she still takes up too much real estate in my mind. Despite my lover really wanting make a go at things and having a couple of women showing interest in the past few weeks…..I still can’t seem to stop ruminating over her.

It’s like my brain is trying to still process how she could be like “that”. It is trying to make sense of it all. Perhaps part of it is fear that she’ll actually find someone else. Not sure why though. She’s had quite a few lovers since the time of her waywardness. Tbh, I don’t even really know who she is anymore. I do know that her perspectives and views on things are very dissimilar to mine. The whole traveler vs vacationer blog post came from a text that she sent me.

She sent me a meme at 3:00am this morning saying:

“There are some people who can hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word.”

I don’t know why it bothered me. Well, I hate stupid shit for one reason. Another is that my “mind movies” envisioned her just leaving from a lover who was telling her how much he gets her, so she was feeling that moment and sent it to me as a “see someone actually gets me” …..

Jump to conclusions much? UGH….. I should have just ignored it. Instead, I sent one back saying that “lack of communication can ruin a great thing.” Then I sent her a youtube short video titled “men are not mind readers”

A female friend told me that I’m too combative and like to argue too much. She says it could drive ‘women’ away. I think she means doing shit like this. I just don’t like not challenging the stupid shit that people say sometimes. Especially if they try to get me to buy into it. I probably should work on it…. But on the other hand, I believe that running with blanket advice like that can be detrimental.

At the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t really matter. And to me it doesn’t. This is why I say that this trauma bond thing is getting annoying at this point. I feel rediculous because if left unchecked, I find my mind asking me shit like…..”so, you’re actually done with her huh”….. or “i don’t understand how she walks around feeling ok about acting that way.” or “she’s so damned slow” or “what kind of simp would take her seriously knowing she’s married.”

I often envision myself saying stupid stuff to her like “they can’t really know how u really get down” or asking “how could you think you’re a good woman despite doing shit the way you do.” ….and the list goes on and on.

I am ruminating over this and I suppose that part of the trauma bond or journey to recovery is the uncontrolled thoughts that you have wanting to vindicate yourself from feeling like you somehow deserved all this.

How is it that I have chalked her behavior up to narcissism or at the very least emotional immaturity….but yet I find myself still holding her to a ‘normal’ standard of behavior. It’s like playing a game where I’m trying to follow the rules, while she just makes shit up as we go along….constantly changing the rules as it suits her….or simply ending the ‘game’ and claiming victory at given moment. It feels like I’m in bizarro world when I’m engaging with her. Who the fuck knows, gravity works one minute, then the next we’re all flying all over the place. Down is suddenly up, right is left, but then left is now inside?

Why do I feel the need to try to clarify, explain, converse, or even argue with her? We operate on different frequencies. All of my rebuttals, explanations, clap backs….even the one i sent back this morning….will all fall upon deaf ears.

It’s seriously like trying to engage with an immature child or a severely mentally disabled person about philosophy. But then getting angry because they want to turn it into an unrelated ‘fart’ joke. I could probably make the association in an attempt to make it funny or sound all zen like, but I know it wasn’t their intent. Plus, they wouldn’t actually ‘get it.’ And could possibly use it against me if it suits their needs.

She hears what I’m saying, but who knows how in the hell she actually processes it. It’s not like she’s going to come back with any sort of defense, justification, or even a real explanation of how she gets to her conclusions. I’ve learned a long time ago that arguing with her is like arguing with a brick wall. I now overstand the phrase “stonewalling”. Our disagreements aren’t conversations, they’re more like me trying to educate her…..pull information out of her…..Or I’m chastising or scolding her as if she’s a child….though that is never my intention.

I want her to understand my position and I try to understand hers. I want her to see the nuances in her perspectives and possibly find some way to meet me in the middle. She doesn’t have to agree with me, but just understand where I’m coming from. I’m also open to seeing things from her perspective if she cared enough (or had the ability to) to lay it out for me.

I’ve tried to just shut up and listen, even when she says something I think it bat shit crazy…..but, she’ll say some crazy shit and leave it at that. And it feels as if I don’t challenge it, i implicitly agree with her.

That usually looks like “yes, i see what you’re saying (rephrasing/repeating what she said), but have you considered….”

She needs a ‘yes dear’ man, the type of guy my homegirl says I should be. That would be hard for me if were together because some of her decisions would actually impact our lives. Lately though, it’s been easier as I really don’t care about many of her bad choices as they don’t affect my life as much.

Sudden mind question: “Did she really file for divorce, why haven’t I heard anything from the lawyer she claimed to hire.” “Why isn’t she telling me anything”. “Does she have something up her sleeve?”

Man, I can’t wait for this period of my life to be over. Having a good wife can be a good thing, but choosing the wrong one can really fuck your life up.

What Am I doing?

My lover hit me with the “what are we doing” speech yesterday. It’s funny bcuz me and my home girl was just talking about how women feel that men who won’t commit just waste their time. I don’t see it as such. I think that it’s not anymore of a waste of time than a failed relationship.

My lover, R is an amazing woman. She has her issues for sure, but we all do. We’ve been kicking for a WHILE now. At least 5 years. I met her like 2 years after my wife began her wayward journey. What started off as what was supposed to be a fling, turned into a friends with benefits situation, into a damn, we’re still kicking it!!!, to got damn we still kicking it??? Ironically, in many ways, she is like what STBXW wants to be insofar as money and success. She actually is world traveled. She does own real estate. She drives the car STBXW wanted.

That said, she is looking for the next step which is marriage and a family.

This is hard for me because I like things as they are. We get along pretty good, but we do have some intense arguments sometimes. I guess this is normal for any couple who’ve been seeing each other for a while. We get along much better than we used to, but I do understand her frustration in the matter. The thing is, I never told her that she can’t date or see anyone else. I just asked for her honesty in the matter. It’s proof (at least to me anyway) that if a woman is “in love” with you, she isn’t really interested in seeing anyone else. I think she knows that it would hurt me if she did so it’s not fair to throw that back on her when she brings up she feels that I need to make my mind up or let her go.

While I do appreciate the love and perhaps before meeting stbxw I may have jumped on such an amazing woman…..Right now, I think my heart has been hardened towards the idea of a happily ever after. If I am honest….I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. This has nothing to do with her…..I don’t want to be “in love” with anyone and though we share some amazing experiences…..I never allowed myself to feel it that deeply. I intentionally kept myself from getting swept off my feet. Don’t get me wrong, when I say that I’m not “in love” with her, I would still do almost anything for her. I adore her and she holds a very special place in my heart.

I was just so hurt so bad by stbxw that I don’t think I could ever allow myself to love someone that deeply again (be uncontrollably in love). I always leave room to walk away as not to be totally crushed should she choose to move on. I guess it a continuation of my marriage in a way in that I realized that love eventually becomes a choice….and those butterfly feelings aren’t always gonna be there. I wonder if she realizes this about the general nature of marriage?

One of my biggest concerns is that I wonder if the love she has for me is really real. Or is it just lust and a fantasy of me she projects onto me. Can it withstand the good and bad….the ups and downs of real life. “Relationships” are on easy mode when you just see each other on the weekends or every few weeks or so. But what about actually living together and making life decisions that affect one another. What happens when you move in and the sex starts getting too familiar. When the goal of actually ‘having’ that person becomes realized and there are no obstacles stopping you from being together. When the chase is over. When you realize the actual person and not the weekend version of them. I guess the question is….does she truly love me or is she just “in love” with a version me.

Another concern is that most of her friends are married to very successful guys. One owns a chain of dental offices, another comes from a well do do jewish family, and another seems very successful in whatever his field of work is. What happens when they get together and talk about what their husband’s do. Their money and finances. Even though she makes great money….. how would it make her feel to say that I’m an average guy making average money, doing average things compared this guy is doing this or that guy is doing that.

Could I afford the big wedding she wants or the 10 to 15k ring she wants. What about kiddo? Do I leave my job that I currently have and actually enjoy to move up there with her? I think she’d be open to moving back down here if I really asked and had a plan…..but do I really want to unpend her life risking that she wouldn’t be happy here. My life is boring. I work, I train, I take care of my son, and I see her from time to time. We do have fun when we get together, but what happens when we live together. When she knows all my jokes or how I make them.

The thing is, that I don’t think we could maintain based on attraction alone as familiarity tends to breed contempt. I don’t think I can make her life any better financially nor socially. I don’t see how I could contribute to her outside of loving her in the simp like way that I loved STBXW. We see where that got me. I could support her and pick up the slack where she needs it, but how can I find the balance between being the “man” of the house yet she’d be the one financing our lifestyle mostly.

This could work IF i had a dream or some sort of ambition. Say I was a martial arts coach or was trying to open up some business. Maybe then, she could support me in those dreams. If I had a direction where it made sense to have her in my life. If I had an idea of planning on our retirement or had some sort of end goal in mind besides owning a home and maybe a little land.

As of now, I’m the free spirited “fun” friend who provides the ‘boyfriend’ experience without the responsibilities of being her “man”. I’m sort of also a beta in the sense of being co dependent on how she feels. If i were more narcissistic (not a humble brag) maybe I’d jump right in and not see how this could possibly affect her. I wouldn’t care. And maybe this strength would help her be ok because it wouldn’t bother me to care if she was hurting or struggling or unhappy. I’d be more confident. Ironically, it seems to me, for it to have a chance of working would be if I was “that” type of guy who really didn’t give a fuck about anyone but myself. As of now, I do care about what her family, friends, and peers would think about me. Actually, it’s now it would make her feel about what they thought about me.

Would she lose all respect for me? I’d have to change a lot. But without her, I’m pretty content and happy with who I am. It’s only in light of being her husband/man do I actually think less of myself. It does beg the question of if things would be different if she were less successful and less accomplished. As it is, I’d see myself as a pet or accessory somehow less than a man. She doesn’t need me and I don’t know how outside of good sex and basically being a do boy/handy man how i could be of any use to her. Again, what happens when the familiarity and routine really kicks in?

Don’t get me wrong, in spite of her accomplishments and travels, I don’t believe she’s actually smarter, more capable, nor better than me overall. We both have our strengths and weaknesses, but do they compliment each other enough to make it work?

On one hand, i do like the idea that I’m not “in love” with her and that is the only shining grace to all of this. I don’t want to be in love with anyone. If it doesn’t work, then I don’t think I’d be crushed. Hurt for sure, but not suicidal like I was before. But on the other….if I were, I don’t think I’d be so hesitant to try to figure out ways to make it work for us.

But doesn’t she deserve that type of love from someone? But who’s to say she’d actually find it. How many actually do. And of those, how often is it one sided. But if I’m in the picture as a permanent fixture, she most likely wouldn’t. Maybe I gotta let her go as bad as it would hurt both of us.

Why do women make shit so complicated?

A Witch Got Priorities

STBXW called last night and was asking if I thought if traveling for kiddo is important for his well development. Instead of answering directly, I asked if she thought so and why. She says that she thinks it gives people more culture and perspective on the world. She believes that it makes a person more well rounded.

While I agree with her that travel can be a great for the development of a person. I think her idea of traveling is actually vacationing. Maybe I’m making it more complicated than necessary, but the distinction between the two in my opinion is pretty significant. It’s not to say that one is ‘better’ than the other from a preferences perspective. But from the perspective of well roundedness or becoming more cultured, I think the difference is night and day.

I don’t think the benefits of vacationing are as important as learning life skills…..for example, I’d think that boyscouts or learning an instrument or playing sports is more beneficial to a child. It’s not that I’m opposed to vacationing. I’m actually all for it. But it sort of irks me when people….especially wanna be bougie class people confuse the two.

She seems to think that going to Dubai, staying in luxury hotels, and doing a few excursions counts as travel. In certain ways perhaps. Maybe vacationing is a subset of traveling. A type of travel. But to me, traveling is actually immersing yourself in the culture. It’s going off the well beaten tourist path. It’s going into a city and getting lost, taking public transportation, and mixing it up with the locals. It’s meeting other people in hostels or speaking with Air Bnb hosts about their perspectives and experiences. It’s living and experiencing life as a common person in a foreign land.

How does going to Cabo mexico and staying on a resort, maybe taking an excursion on the boat really compare to going to Mexico City and walking around downtown, living in somoene’s house and seeing how they actually live. What are their views and perspectives? What’s a normal day like for them? What kind of festivals are around? What kinds of food do regular people eat around here? What specialties is this place known for? Who are the local artists? What is the music scene like? What do people say when they toast? What are the most popular sports? Things like that. On most vacations, you don’t even have to learn the native language to get around. As I saw in an article, the difference between traveling and vacationing is that with one you come back with pictures where as with the other, you come back with stories.

I think the thing that bothers me about bougie people who mistake vacationing for traveling is that they see it as sort of a virtue signaling flex. It’s like ‘look at me’, I’m more cultured now because I was on a sandals resort in Jamaica which i needed my passport to get. It’s the whole pretentious, I’m better/smarter/more cultured than you because I went there type of vibe. Tbh, I’d be more impressed with someone who came back from the local art museum being able to explain what impressionist art really is and how it influenced something important. Many vacationers act like just because they took another picture of the grand canyon and slapped a filter on it, they’re somehow more knowledgeable on plate tectonics and erosion.

You smelled the air at the grand canyon….Congratulations. I’ll be sure to reach out to you when I have geological questions about the earth or about the politics that concern the people who live around there.

It’s sort of like how poor people finally get some money and buy tacky luxury brand items to feel more important about themselves. It’s materialism and egocentrism at it’s finest. Ironically, I’d think if you actually Traveled and not vacationed, you’d appreciate the simplicity of how most people live and be more grateful, thus more humble about your travels. I think that these types of vacationers suffer from the kruger dunning effect where they think they are more ‘cultured’ than they actually are. I know quite a few bougie people who have vacationed and they seem just as ignorant insofar as their mentalities as people who don’t. I think this partially why a lot of American tourists have bad reps in many other nations.

Not that I’m totally dumping on people who vacation…..or who like to vacation. But it seems to almost be an insult to people who actually travel. The difference between the two is like going to a football game in person and watching from the nosebleed section versus being on the actual field. Sure, going to the game is an experience, but I don’t see how it could make you a better football player in real life.

The thing that really irks me about her is that she is acting so concerned about his well being and overall development, but still somehow thinks it’s a good idea to live so far apart. I’d go so far as to say even live in different households. I’d think that if his well being was so important to her, she would have at least tried to work on our marriage before having an affair and leaving. And even if our efforts failed, then at least attempt to live close enough where we could both play an active role in his life at the same time.

Of course the living together thing just can’t happen now. She’s crossed the line in ways that are unforgivable insofar as making things work for us. And she’s still unrepentant about it. I don’t know if she’ll ever get it. I don’t think I will ever understand how she thought that what she did was justifiable in any conventional sense of ethics, morality, and well….just plain common sense….at least if the goal is use what we know about life to make kiddo’s life better.

She is the epitome of everything I think is backwards with posers and fakers. She wants black excellence and to be a power couple, yet doesn’t do anything….besides work at her job which (admittedly) makes decent money. However, she doesn’t do anything to make changes and differences in the community. She doesn’t mentor anyone nor does she volunteer. She doesn’t organize anything. Doesn’t research issues affecting the community. Ok, fine, I get it’s not for everyone (maybe it should be, but that’s another subject). But just saying, most of black excellence thing is the DOING…..not just the desire for the title. Confusing vacationing with traveling is another example of this poser complex.

It would be like saying you’re a health guru despite eating McDonalds all the time and never working out because being a health guru is what ‘cultured’ people do. She blames me for my “lack of ambition”, yet the only difference between us is that she went one step further and got a master’s degree. This degree happens to be in a good field and I won’t take away from the fact that she got it…..but now what? It isn’t like she went back to continuing education courses, did any extra research or use her degree in order to be anything other than a rank and file nurse practitioner.

It just seems fake to me. It’s superficial. I know teachers who make much less money who seem way more engaged in changing the lives of others. If she was the type of person who volunteered or actually did real research and took action on say (the medical field, stock market or real estate or politics, or hell….anything) she endeavors to do, then I could respect it more.

As of now, she sees what other people are doing on tic tok and claims that is what she’s into now. Like ma’am tic tok and instagram probably shouldn’t be your primary tools of ‘research’.

I realize that I don’t do it either, but just saying, you don’t see me out here blaming my lack of ambition on anyone other than my own personal decisions. Just saying, if you want to build an empire….go build it and stop complaining that you want one. Noone is stopping her and I always supported her in her decisions to do whatever.

It just reminds me of how selfish she is. I mean seriously. I never prevented her, but on the contrary always supported her and her dreams/ambitions. In fact, I’d go so far to say that IF she did find something she was interested in doing, I’d also help (as in do most so we could talk about it) her research what she was trying to do. When she wanted to go to doctors school in the carribean, who did research on the different schools and options. ME. In the process, I even learned what steps it took to actually become a doctor. So she can’t say that I ever held her back from anything. Her desire to split our family came imo solely from the fact that she wanted to go out there and ride some new dicks. I was supportive of everything else. Though she’ll never admit it….facts are facts.

If she wanted to travel more, I was always open it…even alone if she desired it. When she wanted a specific car I thought we couldn’t afford…..i went and did the research on the best interests rates and prices for it. I even set up appointments for her to speak with the banker at the credit union…..when time for action, she didn’t show up.

The dudes she cheated with were not out here changing the world exactly. The were regular ass dudes, jsut like me trying to survive. In some cases worse off financially and making matters even worse, cheaters who seemed more focused getting her to suck dick than being honorable men to their wives and families. I won’t even get started on her so called best male friend who went along wtih sleeping with her during our marriage….what a low life dirtbag…..but I digress….

TBH, I’d say that a pre requisite to black excellence is making sure your black family is good first. (financially, healthwise, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually) That should be the first and foremost priority imo.

I texted her this morning asking if she thought that traveling was more important than having an intact household. Of course, based on her actions, I already know the answer, but I am wondering if she ever thought about it that way.