Baby steps towards the finish

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A funny thing about life…. at times I feel too comfortable to do something about it. The STBXW seems to be getting increasingly disrespectful by the day. And it seems that I respect her less and less for it. It’s so crazy how it appears that she has me by the balls. All because I don’t want to hurt kiddo. I don’t think that she realizes that my fear of hurting him is giving her this power. But by not reclaiming my power, I am enabling her to continue to treat me disrespectfully. As I predicted (possibly phophecied) things are getting worse. It’s becoming more and more apparent that she’s for the streets.

She wasn’t always like this….I don’t think. But she has really changed for the worse. Her morals and sense of right and wrong has declined. She’s lacks any sort of moral compass it seems. She is lazier than ever. She’s is becoming more selfish. It’s really bad around there and I need for her to leave. There is no reasoning with her.

I’m not used to living with “bad” people. In redpill communities, there is a debate between AWALT vs NAWALT. “All women are like that” vs “Not all women are like that.” Many say that “all are”. Many say that some are. Most probably say that all are. I can’t objectively speak on percentages, of those like that vs those who aren’t. I don’t know all women and I know a few who don’t seem to be that way. But in either case, SHE IS like that. Had I known she would end up “like that”, I wouldn’t have started a family with her.

I read an article about the 5 types of women who make bad wives. It should have been characteristics of a bad wife as she embodies aspects of each type of woman. She plans on going out and spending the night with a female freind tomorrow night (wednesday). The same one she’s always talking to and texting and going out with. I don’t know if I believe that. Who goes out in the same city and sleeps overnight in a hotel on a week night. She’s a mother and wife who hasn’t worked in 7 months. She can’t be stressed about work. She’s spending money on a hotel, so apparently she isn’t worried about money. It isn’t like she cleans or cooks consistently so she can’t blame too much housework for being stressed. But yet, she won’t leave.

Last night, I was sitting there listening to kiddo sing a song about happy days. She started singing along with him. It was a catchy song, but listening to his innocent voice singing this happy song almost cracked me up on the inside. Then hearing her sing along with him…. as if she has no cares in the world…..while treating me this way was a mind fuck. Dunno man, I know that my subjective perspective is probably creating this mental hell for me…..but still, there is a line between reframing “the facts” and ignoring reality. I need to cut her out ASAP.

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and wanted to let her know that in the next few days I’d be searching for one. I asked her to start thinking about a noncontested divorce vs a contested one since it costs way more money. Conventional wisdom says that I shouldn’t tell her about my plans….even though the lawyer thought that it might be good idea if I do….as not to blindside her. I’m assuming he’s thinking that the gesture of “good faith” can help things from becoming too contentious. I want to work with her and be as amicable as possible for kiddo’s sake. We just need to get this done.

Even though I don’t really want to be with her anymore I wish that someday she would look back and see how terribly she behaved and treated me. I’d want her to look at how she was so instrumental in destroying our home and marriage. I’d like for her to really be sorry, but not out of any sense of desperation to get it back…..(though I have at times wondered what it would feel like if she came crawling back)…. but out of true remorse. I don’t know why it would matter by then though. Hopefully, for me, I won’t even need her apology because I will have moved on with my life.

Finding the Right Way

I am learning that perhaps all is truly fair in love and war. This possibly includes deception and hiding the truth. I don’t really believe that. The fact is, is that it’s sometimes hard to stand on the truth, no matter how fair you want to be. It’s easy to say to be honest, but it gets so hard sometimes. Especially when you might end up hurting someone who doesn’t deserve it.

I lied to my lover this weekend about the fact that my stbxw was at home with kiddo. She wanted me to spend the night, but I declined. When asked why, I responded with he was staying with a friend and so I had to pick him up early. I think I must have forgotten to mention to her that she had moved back in.

She’s already somewhat jaded about the fact that I’m taking so long to get on with the divorce already. She’s been understanding for a LONG time and is probably starting to feel a bit crabby about dealing with my bullshit for so long. I mean I can’t keep using kiddo as an excuse.

STBXW is a really complicated situation for me. As far as I can tell, she isn’t really seeing anyone right now. (at least seriously), but still hasn’t said anything about fixing things between us. I keep telling her that it’s too late….the trust is gone. We lack communication skills…..etc. And while I do believe that, I sometimes wonder if the nature of her codependency leads her to also have a sense of doom and gloom as far as an “us” goes. As the man of the house, I figure that I am the leader. They follow my lead, subconsiously anyway.

She definitely isn’t a leader. Her indecision and lack of discipline, and femininity prevents her from being able lead. That is something that I somewhat like about her. Well the fact that she doesn’t fight or argue much. The problem is that she fails to govern herself and is a bit too codependent. This COULD work if she weren’t sneaky, didn’t lack integrity, secretive, selfish, and lacking in self reflection.

I could see how a man who has the type A, do as I say, here is my plan, be on my agenda, could dominate her without too much work. In retrospect, it’s not hard to see how her ex lover could have convinced her to betray me the way that he did. She lacks personal conviction and the guy (at least from what I can tell) is more “alpha” (type A) than I am. Don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t make him a better man than me. I feel that I could beat his ass in a fight. At war, I wouldn’t fear him and I don’t think he could outsmart me on a battlefield. In the streets, I mean, I wouldn’t have anything to lose either. I peeped other weaknesses about him in the limited interactions we’ve had, but this isn’t really about that.

I can be indecisive as well which is why my ideal wife would be able to help me think through some of these things. It’s hard for me to simply live for myself without considering those around me. I have a more utilitarian view of the structure of marriage where….even though I am the head/lead of the house, my wife is my number 1 counsel. Especially in matters where it deals with the household. For that, I need to be able to trust and communicate with her. In order for us to be on the same page, we’d have to hold ourselves accountable to and for each other. Our values when it comes to loyalty, love, and respect would have to be similar. I don’t want to feel like I have manipulate or dominate her into this.

Over the years, she’s shown me that they aren’t. The “small things” we disagreed about over the years….including privacy, how to divy up finances, the role of “platonic” friends in our lives, taking personal responsibility to and for each other have made realize that perhaps we may not jut be on different pages, but in different books entirely.

It’s not the fact that she made a few mistakes here and there. But the magnitude and level of them is the problem. Her response to them is an issue. But the truth is that The fact that she was able to do them in the first place is a huge indicator that her mindset and mine were totally different. It should be no surprise that her response to them wouldn’t be something that I could I could find satisfactory.

We just think and believe so differently. And knowing this is enough to make believe that there will be no reckoning or awaking for her. I just can’t trust that she won’t do it again. I believe that she doesn’t really recognize the level of cruelty in her actions. Lacking self reflection and empathy is a recipe for a repeated performance. It would take for her to really hit rock bottom and even then, there is no guarantee that she’d really get it. This is why, even though I wouldn’t wish this pain on almost anyone, she would be a person I wish could experience this. Not necessarily out of revenge or fairness, but maybe so she’d get the lesson as to WHY what she did was so bad.

I don’t think that she loves me enough as a person where I could do this to her. Her heart isn’t with me. Yeah, I might be having my own affair, but it isn’t for revenge. I sort of got caught up with someone who I never expected to. I wasn’t seeking ANYTHING long term. It never would have occurred to me that we would be dealing with each other for this long. Over time, I’ve grown to love her in a certain way, but not in that goofy “I’m so in love with you and I can’t live without you” sort of way. I do love being loved though. Whether she really gave her heart to me or not I can’t be certain. But it certainly feels that way sometimes. But she has also said a few things (out of ignorance perhaps) that give me pause as far as just letting go with her. Perhaps I’m bitter or perhaps I’m a realist. Perhaps I really just don’t love her like that or maybe I fear to do so….either way, my priority is to be able to figure things out with STBXW in a way that doesn’t permanaently damage kiddo.

Unfortunately, this involves me making her part of my complicated issues and in ways it does hurt her. To shield her from this pain, I lied to her “by omission” that STBXW had moved back in.

STBXW got in the bed with me the other night and wanted to fool around….i think. She didn’t say so, but was naked and was laying on me. I can’t front, things were pretty hard, but all I could think about how fucked up it was that if I did do it, I wouldn’t be able to tell my lover that. I was already feeling pretty shitty that I had to lie about STBXW being back. But having sex would have made me feel worse. Though I do understand that lying is also a pretty shitty thing to do too. I really cherished the ability for us to be honest with one another. So yeah, I fucked that up. But I mean, I probably could have had sex with STBXW and my lover wouldn’t have found out. That should count for something….right?

I instead pretended not get the “signal” and started an argument asking why she was “fucking with me and trying to talk while I was sleeping”. It worked because she’d been doing me like that for years.

I don’t think I’m totally head over heels for my lover, but I don’t want to treat her unfairly. I don’t know if she’d do the same for me, but all I can do is be responsible for my actions. I can’t worry about if she would sneak around on me. I haven’t caught her in any real lies and even though I don’t have that desperate love for her like that. Maybe I fear karma or maybe, it just doesn’t seem right. It does help me maintain frame as a fortunate side effect. Desperately loving someone seems to have the unfortunate side effect of blowing up in your face. At least, that has been my experience. With the converse generally going like how my situation with my lover has been. Dunno, sometimes I think that “love” is a joker. The less you love someone, the more they love you. Maybe my lover would actually love me more on a psycho/spritual/meta level if I did engage with sex with STBXW and lie “by omission” about it. Shit be like that when it comes to love it seems. But for now, I’m just trying to find balance without busting my ass.

I can forgive STBXW for her indescretions. I mean I really don’t think that she knows what she’s doing. Better yet, she is just who she is.

For example, I asked her why would she be ok with engaging in a selfish type of sex she allowed me to watch her pleasure herself, but wouldn’t allow me to penetrate. (That did happen a few times and I am ashamed of being so thirsty and lacking of self respect.) But anyway, I asked what if I let her watch me pleasure myself, knowing that she wanted sex (and was rejected every time she asked), but instead, got off and went to sleep. Her answer: “yeah, that is kind of selfish now that I think about it.”

“Yeah…..but you had to think about it… and that’s a problem.” I told her. I mean seriously, shouldn’t someone just “know” this stuff? I’m no master saint, but come on.

I know that I wouldn’t want my s/o to have to beg me for sex and only give her the satisfaction of watching me get myself off. I would like to think that I’d just know that this is not right….if not downright abusive. Especially if I had already done the things to her that she did to me. Especially knowing that the only reason she “forgave” me was because we neither want to hurt kiddo.

I’m not asking for sympathy as I have to take responsibility for putting myself in that situation to begin with. The level of abuse and toxicity is only going to get worse if I allow it. To my credit, the last time she tried to pull that shit, I cursed her out and she hasn’t tried it since.

I found out friday that my job benefits will actually pay for 20hrs with a divorce attorney. Here’s something trippy. A small voice in my head is telling me not to pursue it. I don’t know why this is. I’ve described in the last 4 years or so in this blog how terrible she is to me. And yet, there is some level of something that is telling me to slow down. As if I haven’t been patient enough. I did find relief in that I can use this as a sort of ace in the hole once if find out she’s back on the bullshit. Yet what more evidence do I need though. If she isn’t doing it now, it would just be a matter of time before she’s on it again.

I don’t hate her, I realize who she is and that she’s just not a good wife for me. It doesn’t make her a terrible mother or hitler or anyone. Just not a good partner. At least for me. We just have to figure out how to transition. Actually, scratch that, I have to figure out how to transition. She’s going to flounder her way around until either some dude tells her what to do or she stumbles into something. While using me as a safety net. Sure it works for her, but since she doesn’t love me back and I lack the capacity to hurt her back…. all this is doing is causing me to lower myself. For heaven’s sake, I am having an affair and I’m worried about hurting my affair partner. Despite the circumstances of how I got here, I am here so I fucked something up pretty bad.

I’d be the one suffering with low esteem, lack of sex and intimacy, possibly missing out on a s/o, and wasted emotional energy figuring out things that should be straightforward. Yeah, the next step into faith is following up with finding a divorce attorney to begin the process. I still haven’t figured out how to tell kiddo.

Ah, the joys of marriage.

What is wrong with Me?

I’m feel so stupid sometimes. STBXW is still here and I slowly feel myself wanting to try to work on things with her. She still hasn’t shown me any remorse and I really don’t know if she’s dealing with someone else. She still won’t let me see her phone. Whenever she does ANYTHING unpredictable, goes out with a friend, or doesn’t answer phone immediately, there is a big large part of me that thinks that she’s on some bullshit. She’s on the phone all the time, like most people, these days, but if I see her smiling too big or looking “suspicious”, then I’m thinking she’s talking to someone else.

I know that she gets a ton of notifications on instagram, but I don’t know if it’s just because someone she follows posted something or if it’s a dm. I saw a snapchat notification on her lockscreen, but when asked if she uses snapchat, she says that she doesn’t use it. She started going out a lot with her female friend and this chick is constantly talking to her and sending her text messages. I do know that her friend is a real “talker”. Like the type that NEVER runs out of things to say, so I know that she could be telling the truth about that. But at the same time, she could be using her as a cover. I mean friends are friends, but damn. Talkng to her every day and then receiving texts a lot seems like A LOT.

It’s no use in confronting her as either 1)I’m wrong and will come across as insecure or 2)She’ll just lie about it. I don’t know why in the fuck I’m feeling this way. I shouldn’t have to worry about this. I’ve told her these exact things and she’ll say that she understands, but still won’t offer the phone as reassurance. She still never said anything about actually trying to fix tihngs, but pretty much acts like she’s on the fence still.

I know this is unacceptable behavior. I don’t trust her. She knows this and doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to feel this way. I find myself sighing a lot when she’s around, but I just can’t let my guard down enough to just relax and have fun. I know that it is a defensive mechanism and I’m ok with that. But still, I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. I just need for her to leave. it’s like it’s delaying my healing process. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around her. I feel judged and used. I feel like a loser around her. I feel like a sucker ass lil bitch. I feel like the female victim in a lifetime movie or something. Ironic because I could never see myself abusing a woman like that mentally. Well techincally not, but I now know that I have to do fucked up things sometimes to keep a woman from getting ‘bored.’ This has gotten way out of hand. I need to start over.

I can’t even manifest properly because I don’t know what I want from her. At all. I don’t know if I want her back enough to set that as an intention. I wnat her to change, but I don’t trust her enough to trust the process enough to put my heart into it. this is truly torture. I can’t stand it man. I feel stuck. I just want her to leave. I mean she’s shown time and time again that her character isn’t that of someone I can trust. I don’t know why my stupid mind won’t just let go completely.

Why do I have to get so angry. Her inconsistency seems to be rooted in either selfishness or deceit. Probably both. I just want to be OVER it.

I know that I can’t control her. Only me. And yet that seems difficult at times. I was getting so much better as far as letting go. I still don’t know why her presence is so vexing to me. A man should have peace. Forget that, a person should have peace in their home. I mean really, I don’t love her and I honestly believe that time away would help me immensely to get over this. If she had never come back, how much further along would I be? Kiddo and I would have our new norm.

This chick is such a fucking burden on my mind. It makes me feel emasculated. I feel so defeated when it comes to her. She is such a toxic person and it’s really wearing me down. She doesn’t even realize nor care. My vision seems cloudy and energy sapped when it comes to the future. I feel like I’m drowning over here at times.

Yet for the most part. I have so much to be happy about. I’m getting the intimacy I want from my lover, for now. I mean I’m not so clingy or jealous of her. We have just enough space to miss each other in a good way in my opinion. It seems pretty effortless for now. We laugh, joke, and have fun together. I find myself singing and dancing when I’m over there. I feel more quick witted and we can get each others’ jokes. She likes my body gains and sex is nothing less than amazing. (Yes I know I’m hypocritical at this point, but still, I wouldn’t even be in this situation if STBXW wasn’t such an unfaithful bitch (describing her actions but not meant in a degrading way) to me for so long). My job is going pretty good. My money is decent. I’m spending quality time with kiddo. I’m working out pretty much every day. My body is getting right. My hobbies are still interesting and fun to me. The relationships with my family and friends are pretty good. Bills paid on time.

But all of this sunshine seems blotted out by this one dark cloud that’s hanging over me. If she just didn’t live with me. She could do whatever the fuck she wants to do, just not while living in the house with me. Is that really too much to ask? Hell, there is no way in the HELL I’d want to be with a woman who’s so fucking self centered. I think she’s patently and genuinely ignorant and selfish. We don’t even have much in common. yet I feel judged by her (probably because I judge her so much). I feel a certain way if I play video games when she’s around. Then there is the awkward silence between us. I’m not much of a talker to her, and it brings old feelings of insecurity from back when I was shy and couldn’t think of anything to say. In a way, I feel that if I made her laugh more consistently, then maybe she’d be more open to fixing things. It’s as if deep down, I blame myself for that part. Perhaps it’s why (in addition to the cheating, trust, and communication issues we have), I silently judge her for being lazy, unclean, and hypocritical. She blames the problem on me being content in life(which in certain ways, she’s right). I am a pretty simply guy and I don’t feel the need to “build an empire” just for fucks sake. I’m not materialistic as far as needing a new Mercades Benz, designer clothes, expensive vacays, or a big fancy house on the hill. But I do understand that most women are attracted to “ambitious” and wealthy men.

But I think she’s a hypocrite because she hasn’t exactly done anything to “level up” since she got her master’s degree a few years ago. Hell she hasn’t even worked since last summer even though her “job” is in high demand right now.

I know that this isn’t the type of energy I need in my life. I don’t like judging people to this degree. It’s not healthy. As they saying goes……holding on to anger is like eating poison and hoping that someone else will get sick from it.

How can I know all of this intellectually, but yet and still suffer so much internally. Falling for and marrying the wrong broad can definitely fuck your life up. The worst part is that she will probably never be able to understand how much all of this is hurting me. I think that I can eventually forgive her ignorance, but she needs to give me the chance to heal. I’m tired of thinking about this. I’m pretty scared of falling in love right now. I fear falling for the wrong one again…..or that a woman I fall for might switch up on me like the STBXW would. It’s hell trying to get over it. God forbid we have a kid or two.

I need a drink.