Unexpected Karma

I know you’re supposed to always take the ‘high’ road when dealing with people who screw you over.   But never in a million years did I expect to feel guilt over cheating.   All of a sudden, it appears that my wife is actually showing signs of being remorseful.   This whole time (as far as I can tell), she never suspected that I was seeing someone else.

How she couldn’t expect it…..is beyond me.  I mean we haven’t had sex in almost a year.   She rejected me (or took a “rain check”) every time i tried, so I pretty much gave up.  After cheating and the affair, and still telling me she’s on the fence about whether she wants to stay married.  I assumed it was over for her.  She never mentioned or said anything, so I assume she doesn’t suspect a thing.   She’s starting to open up more and talk about what happened.  How she feels bad that she hurt me so bad and how I didn’t deserve that.   She even seems to finally understand the gravity of the betrayal.  I also think things have ‘cooled’ off with her male ‘friend’ (at least for now).  It would appear that she understands that not having boundaries of outside friends can affect the marriage.

Even though sex isn’t on the table, she does seem to acknowledge that she knows it isn’t right.   A few months ago, I asked how she would feel if I had sex with someone else, she said, “As long as I didn’t find out about it….”    I asked again a week or two ago and she now says….”I wouldn’t want you to.”.  She also started to show me a little affection, like hugs, and she even kissed me on the back of my neck once while playing the game.

I’m on the fence about how deeply my lover really loves me.   I think she likes me.  I think she likes the sexual connection that we have.   I think she likes to entertain the possibility of someday hooking up.   But I also think that I’m a stand in guy until she finds someone better suited for her (or maybe that’s that unworthy demon creeping up in me again).   I also think she’s on the fence about whether she will find that person or not.   She’s a bit jaded, but hopeful it seems when it comes to love.  Obviously we have that in common also.

I do believe that if I were to pursue relationship status harder, she would consider it….if i were to leave my wife.   I could make her promises that I’m not sure I could keep to give her a deeper sense of security.    I was honest about the way I felt about my wife.   I was pretty sure it was over with her, but we were both unsure on how to move forward given our son.  I never anticipated that she would come back around.  And while I know that this could be a temporary thing,  I’m still on the fence about whether I can trust her or not.

I have a sense of guilt because I did badger her about the stuff she did, but now, here I am doing the same thing.   Fortunately, I don’t to have to lie and gaslight as she hasn’t questioned me as of yet.

The ‘rightest’ thing to do would be to let my lover go, forgive my wife, take a chance, and while this sliver of opportunity is here, see if we can fix things.   It’s never been about me or me wanting her, but our family….if that makes sense.

The second place would be to divorce and try to fix the broken pieces.

Later, I could try to see if me and my lover could actually work things out.    The thing is that I’m not sure if she really love me like that or if I’m ready to willfully give  my heart to anyone.   Once bitten, twice shy they say….I agree.

Or I could just wait it out.

I mean she fucked up….royally.  That level of fuckeduptedness is surely a character flaw.    I mean, at that level, how can really trust that she won’t do it again.  Plus, she already  acknowledged that the shit she did was fucked up as she was doing it.  Who’s to say that she won’t go back to “I don’t give a fuck”  mode as soon as someone sparks her interest.

Her acting right finally would require that I tell my lover.   If i wanted to maintain some sense of morality.   If i tell her, then she’d probably want to end things as I’m sure she’s considered it since I am after all, still married.   I’m sure she has closed off some access to her heart (as I would too) because of the possibility.

I really don’t think that ‘acting’ right in this short term is enough to warrant trust though.    Definitely not in the scope of getting emotionally reinvested.

Coming clean in light of the recent revelations with both parties is a close 3rd option.   Obviously the fallout wouldn’t be fun.    I could risk closing off my wife and losing my lover in the process.   I would be stuck in the house, once again, feeling disrespected AND have no outlet to escape.

Or maybe they’d both understand and decide to meet each other and have a 3 some over wine and dinner.  We’d love it so much that we’d just be one big happy family.   A man can fantasize …right?

In reality, I have to acknowledge the fact that being on the fence for so long (while honest) isn’t the mindset you can have while in a marriage.    The questions are, does she really see the value in it.   Is it a temporary thing.   Could my lover ever really love me (post honeymoon phase)?   Do i really want to be in a serious relationship to begin with?  Am i ready?

Why can’t this shit ever be simple.













Life after the Red Pill

I spoke to my sister this weekend and she kindly advised me that I have become toxic when it comes to women.   She said that I shouldn’t allow my marriage experience to paint an entire group of women.   And that one of her best male friends (friendzoned) says that he used to also have a negative view of women.   She advised that I talk to him about it.

It’s not that I’m bitter, it’s just that now I understand the nature.   Just like any brand new convert, I’m trying to spread the gospel.   I went through the red pill rage and now I’m out on the other side.  I just accept their nature for what it is.  The bottom line is that attraction (not just physical) is love for them…. and most are about as powerless to resist it as most men are to resist nsa pussy from a decent looking or better woman.

But maybe it’s not what i think.   Maybe I am wrong.   Maybe the fact is, my wife just wasn’t right for me.   Perhaps all of this is a manifestation of trying to fit two people together who simply don’t belong.   I needed to know my worth.

I’m not ready to accept the fact that all women are like her.   Sure, she’s cool on a certain level.  But having an affair for whatever damn reason she’s not telling me or doesn’t know, betrayal and humiliation for the sake of sexual gratification for the affair partner, and general emotional abuse can’t be the norm.    The lack of boundaries and respect for the marriage, stonewalling, and lack of respect for a person who never did her wrong (at least i wasn’t told of anything) can’t be how all women operate.

If anything, she would have told me what was wrong, divorced me, or at the very least drew the line at disrespect during the affair.    A decent person would have seen the value of our family, valued me as a present father and dad to our child, and acknowledged that (even though she may have fallen out of love), that I didn’t deserve to be humiliated and made fun of by him.   You’d think that she would have seen this as a huge red flag to stop messing with him immediately.   If not to get back with me, but for her own sake.   For the fact that he disrespected her son’s father and a person who was good to her.

The fact that she was willing and capable of going so low makes me realize that something isn’t right with her.   I could never see myself going that low with someone who I knew treated me well….loved, cherished and respected me.   Even if I fell out of love with her.   I’d still have enough love for her that I couldn’t shit on her like that….especially given that I would be dead wrong for having an affair in the first place, hurting her so deeply, and not giving her  the chance to address any issues that I might have had with her in order to keep our son from experiencing the pain of divorcing parents.

I have to admit that I just chose the wrong partner.   It’s unfair to take the blame out on all women for my mistake.    I shouldn’t be too hard on myself either because if I’m honest, despite being hurt to the core, I reacted the best way I knew how.

I did a pretty decent job of stating my boundaries,  kept a cooler head in the face of disrespect as not to create toxic memories for our son, and kept the lines of communication open.    I didn’t physically put my hands on her despite the blatant disrespect and repeated warnings to stop it.   I didn’t kill the dude after finding out about how he directed her to do things/ and not do things to me for him.   How they laughed about it later….. thank God he doesn’t live nearby.

And to be honest, I know i would have left her a long time ago, but I hung in there for the sake of not wanting to hurt kiddo.

It took all of that to say that I was in denial about the type of person she is.   But she is who she is and I cannot hate her for it.   But i can’t stay with her.   She still hasn’t changed.  She sees no reason to and I can’t make her.   She’s still selfish.   We both know what she put me through and despite that, she still keeps the lock on her cell phone.   And also given that sex and intimacy is off the table, there is really no reason to put myself through all of this.

My expectations of her are so low that I can and should not be in a relationship with her.   Let alone a marriage.

I’m not sure if she’s dealing with anyone right now or not, but the fact that she was able to stoop so low makes me realize that it’s in her to do such things.   I can’t compete.   She’ll always have the ‘upper hand’ as she’s willing to go places that I can’t.   The fact that she could still feel entitled to that degree of privacy, have the audacity to say that she’s on the fence about fixing things, and still be more focused on what she wants regardless of how it affects me, lets me know that she hasn’t changed much.

I’ve painted this picture of her to say that all women can’t be that bad.   I’m sure that many are.   But it’s stupid to lump them all into the same category.   What works for some, won’t work for others.    The best thing to do is be myself and see where it goes from there.

The red pill has helped me learn a lot about what to look for in women.   It helped shaped and put into perspective other things that would help me find a quality person when I’m ready.   I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love as deeply again, but I don’t desire to either.   For now I have to lay off all of this toxic/evil woman stereotypes and continue in the process of healing.

Willfully showing love is greater than feeling in love all day every day in my book.   You retain your power to walk away and can maintain a sense of dignity without desperation should things  go left.

Perhaps this gift is the best thing I can give my wife.   I have to love myself enough to walk away, divorce her so that I won’t feel disrespected when she does go back to her regular ways, and accept that she is who she is.  Just not right for me.





WTF man!!!

About 4 years after the affair, the wife is starting to show signs that she wants to try and work on things.

Really!!? After I’ve finally embraced the idea of being single and somewhat benefiting off the fact.

I’m at the point where I really don’t want a relationship with anyone….at least in title.   I prefer the setup of fwb with no strings.   Sure, there is a connection, but at least if she decides to exercise her right, it won’t feel as disrespectful.

It’s weird because while I’m not sure if my friend is faithful in her fidelity, I believe her even though I know it could change any day.   Yeah, I’d probably be a little hurt.   Hopefully just a little.

I also felt justified in stepping out on my wife given the affair, subsequent betrayals, lack of transparency after the affair, being on the fence about whether she wanted to stay together,  lack of sex, and lack of boundaries around her male ‘friend’ she slept with earlier in our marriage.

I get it.  I know that two wrongs don’t make a right, but I was losing my freaking mind and my lover helped me regain a sense of esteem.  She acted as a counselor of sorts.    The sex also happened to be incredible.   She also submitted in a way that my wife never did….insofar as being more of a giver.   She helped me heal in a way that I’ll always appreciate.   Despite this, I know that I wasn’t ready for a relationship.

She also has a few red flags, but given I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, those things aren’t really relevant.

I honestly never thought we would have still been kicking it for this long.   I figured it was a one or two time thing, but time flies when you’re having fun.   I’m thinking that the main reason for this is the fact that we both knew it could end any time so we didn’t put any expectations on one another.

That said, I’ve always felt a sense of duty to my family.   More specifically, my son.  The wife and are still together primarily because we didn’t want to hurt him.   That’s true for both of us.

Now the wife is showing interest again….even offering sex.  She wants another child.   She’s not tethered to the phone as she once was.  If i glance over at her while she’s texting, she’ll offer to show me what she’s looking at.  She doesn’t hold the phone at weird angles when I’m around.   I don’t have suspicions anything is going on anymore.   She seems more open and engaged in a way that she hasn’t been in years.

It’s what i would have hoped for about a year ago.   After the ‘end’? of her affair. Before I met my lover.   Before I undertook the arduous task of emotionally disconnecting from her.

While I can look back and say that I forgive her.   I don’t know if I can trust that if someone else comes into the picture that she won’t act upon the temptation.   Obviously counseling is needed.   But as it stands now, she seems to be open to working on things and trying to fix them.  Maybe it’s due to the fact that she can feel me finally pulling away.  Maybe it’s because noone else is on her radar right now.   Or maybe she finally sees value in having a family.  I can’t be sure.

If I’m honest, I don’t know if I really want sex with her.   Unfortunately, I think it’s in part due to the fact that I’d feel obligated to tell my lover.   While I’m not sure that she would tell me (even though she promised she would) if she did, I do like the fact that she seems pretty transparent.  There is peace in my gut when I think of the possibility….even though my heart tells me that it’s possible that she’s lying.    This is probably due to the fact that I don’t lay claim to her as her man.   Even though we don’t owe each other anything, I don’t want to hurt her as she’s shown me a lot of love over the last year.  I don’t want to lie to her as that would be a douchey thing to do.   Sometimes I wonder if I’m really “man”  or “alpha” enough for relationships insofar as I consider women’s feelings too much.

It sounds good on paper, but in reality, considering them too much seems to cause them to gain trust but lose attraction.

The other part is that I’m hesitant to emotionally re engage with the wife due to the lack of trust.   How can the sex even be good if I’m not passionate about her?   I know it sounds lame, but it would be hard to give up passionate lovemaking for just sex.   Then again, that only lasts for a season or two.

So as it stands, I don’t think I’m ready for a full blown relationship with a woman period…   I don’t trust that they won’t cheat.   I won’t give them the opportunity to do so by claiming relationship status.  While it might be hurt, at least I won’t feel disrespected.

At the moment, both of them make way more money than me so I can’t provide a lifestyle change that would make them think twice about not doing it.   If  I was rich right now, I’d probably just have both.  I’d be Akon status having multiple wives.

I know it’s a fucked up thought, but if i do have sex with the wife, tell her about it, and it hurts her, but she still stays, it would show me that she truly does love me.   Well at least convince me more.  Especially given that the money hasn’t manifested yet.

TBH, i really don’t want to hurt her.   Even if she is doing her thing out there, she doesn’t owe me fidelity.   Plus, she’s shown me so much love that it would be hard to see her in pain that I caused.   It would hurt to lose her, but hurt more to know that I hurt her.

I wish i could have them both and take care of them both.   One for my son’s sake and the other for her sake.   I’m not sure if my wife really loves me like that or would really care to see me leave.  At the very least, I wish I could compensate my lover in a more tangible way.   She really deserves it in my opinion.

When I was younger, before I met my wife, I never wanted marriage.  I told myself that I’d have two or three cool baby mamas.   When I got married I started thinking that was rediculous.

I love women, but I just don’t trust them.    I’m back at 360.





Feeling Worthy

This post won’t apply to all people.   Hopefully it will resonate with someone who struggles with self esteem issues.

It never occurred to me that I had low self esteem, especially when it comes to relationships.   I always wondered why the girls who were in to me were into me.   I felt as if they could probably do better if they wanted to.   From my perspective there are always guys who are funnier, better looking, or made more money.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m unfunnier, uglier, nor broker than the average person.   I just considered myself average overall.

For that reason, I felt unworthy of her.   As if she deserved someone better simply because I assumed that she could have someone better.   Part of the approach anxiety came from the idea that she either already has someone better or has been approached by someone more charming, funny, or clever.

In short, if I got her, I ended up putting her on a pedestal.   I felt lucky to have her.  As if she were doing me a favor by being with me.   That made me want to treat her as well as I could to keep her.   As if she blessed me with something I was not worthy of having.  So  I put her on a pedestal grateful that she gave me a chance.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that simple.   I wouldn’t accept outright bad behavior or disrespect.  To be honest, I never had to experience that (except the time I got stuck in a marriage).    But I put her first as in I would try to understand where she is coming from out of love.   I would allow for character flaws not considering how it would impact me.   The idea that she would have me was enough to make me feel that she loved me.   I fell for my wife due to the idea I felt that her acceptance of me being different was the reason she loved me.

The dynamic of the relationship revolved around me trying to keep her happy.  Personal pride does keep me from acting too needy or acting desperate to be with her.  But i think that I’ve been able to keep the balance of not showing too much interest while at the same time letting her know that I was.

Deep down though, I felt as if the sense of unworthiness kept me from truly being myself.   I’m somewhat introverted and I believe that the ideal example of a worthy man  is a gregarious, outgoing, funny, tough on the outside but sensitive on the inside, outspoken guy who always has the right thing to say.

This guy is full of charisma, confidence, and swag.  I believe that money and looks are secondary.   In fact, leading with those things lead to beta male behavior.  I’m a pretty decent looking guy, but I often had the fear that once they got past the looks, they wouldn’t really like me for who I am.

It seems obvious to me that personality is more attractive than character when it comes to women.   Guys who have the characteristics aforementioned seem to do well with women regardless of how much money they have or how they look.    In fact, it seems that women are powerless to do anything to resist those types of guys.   They would rather be his side chick, have his children, cheat on their provider husband, or even fight for their relationship as he cheats/beats on her.

How else could you explain how certain men have multiple baby mothers and women fighting over them while being lazy, obvious cheaters, deadbeat fathers, immoral/amoral, basic (as in following what’s trendy), irresponsible, and overall terrible human beings.  At the same time, there are many single men out here who work,  look decent, have resources, have good character, and yet she’ll choose the former over the latter as long as he possesses charisma.

It’s not uncommon today to hear about men who sit at home all day playing video games, smoking weed, hanging out with the homies, while borrowing their girl’s car to make moves during the day.   All the while expecting her to come home after working all day to cook and clean.

In this day in age, the worst trait a man can possess isn’t being a bum or lazy or a cheater.    It’s having a boring personality.   A guy could be stand up in pretty much all other areas in life.   He could be a great provider, ambitious, treat her like a queen, be fair, not cheat, have great moral character, but she will choose charming charlie over decent dan all day.

People like what they like, but I wonder why so many women give  bummy men with charisma and swag so many chances, but yet won’t give a decent guy without it a single one.  You would think that they’d lump them all in the same heap together as far as relationships go.

Yet they fall for them, hard, head over heels.    Despite hearing stories from their girlfriends, watching the movies, being warned, and often times personally experiencing it already.  You’d think that being charismatically attractive would be a huge red flag.

It would be like if men constantly fell in love with good looking strippers, prostitutes, or women with a reputation for cheating and expecting her to change for him.  The saying “don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved” has been burned into our collective psyche’s as men.  Women don’t have this and will often try to ‘save’ these type of men only to drown themselves.

You’d think that women would be more aware of this in men since they are usually on the hook for having to keep a baby should one be born.   Why would you  fall in love with an immoral/amoral person who you know you can’t have, but be forever tied to them because of a child.

Common sense would dictate that if a woman is able to get many men to fall for her, then obviously she has a way of making them feel that way.  She probably said/did the same things she tells/did for them to me.    I’m not really special even though I might like her or the way she (fucks, talks, acts….etc.), i would be foolish to fall in love with her.   In fact, she’s dangerous and I’d probably just cut her off.

But perhaps this is where that whole unworthy feeling can protect me.   I’d think she was jut running game due to some unfulfilled need or temporary desire she has for me.    As soon as something better came along, I feel that she’d be out.    In the case of a serial cheater, I’d know she had no qualms about cheating.   I mean dude probably didn’t fall in love with her for no reason other than she misrepresented herself or intentions to him.

No matter how things feel at the time nor what they say, I know that some people are just intelligent and magnetic.   Personally for me, character speaks louder.   Past actions are based on character and while people can change, most of the time,  they don’t.   If I know she has a questionable reputation, no matter how much chemistry we seem to have, i have to give pause to the fact that she probably has it with others as well.

Either way, I just wanted to post about the feeling of worthiness  and being good enough for her should be your base assumption from here on out.   In reality, you probably are.  There is no such thing as out of your league.  It doesn’t matter if she wants you back or not, it doesn’t say that you aren’t worthy.   If she does reject you, don’t take it personally.   It doesn’t address the reality of your worth.

The question should be then, is she worthy of you.  Substance over style my friend when it comes to your heart.  Just keep that in mind.  You are worth having a woman who knows it, anyone who can’t see it isn’t really worthy of your time.







Why Christians Shouldn’t Debate Atheists

I’ve been a longtime viewer of the Atheist Experience channel on youtube.   It’s a show where Theists call in and try to prove God to Atheists.  Theists usually get their asses handed to them.    I’ve heard all kinds of apologetics (which is basically defense of the bible) and no matter how sound an argument is, they can always go back ask….”how do you know the bible is true.”

You wouldn’t go into a Chinese court citing the constitution of the United States as a means of trying to win a case.   The rules are different.  While there may be some commonalities, the framework by which they declare guilt or innocence is different.  The laws governing the realm of skepticism and theology share commonality, but there are enough differences that making your case using the ideals of religious belief will cause you to  come up short.

Too often, many fledgling apologists fall back into the argument that it’s true because the bible says it’s true.    At this point, the atheists get the high ground because they invariably point out that it’s circular reasoning, so therefore a logical fallacy.   They then point out that any book can say that it’s true, but just because it says that it is doesn’t make it so.  Very reasonable indeed.

I’ve never seen the counter argument that the methodology by which Atheists come to the conclusion that circular reasoning is illogical is also circular reasoning.   In other words, the use of logic to explain what’s logical also is circular in nature.   Not saying that appealing to logical rules in a logical debate isn’t reasonable, but I’m just saying, if we’re going to start with the premises that circular reasoning is a fallacy, then we must acknowledge that circular reasoning isn’t necessarily something that will always hinder us from getting to the ‘truthiness’ of a proposal.

Now don’t get me wrong, logic is a fine way of understanding the world around us.  In fact, when it comes to explaining the physical phenomena around us, it’s probably the best method i can think of.   The problem is that at some point, we have to take a leap of faith in assuming that it is the only one.  Let alone the best.  Because we have no other way to objectively demonstrate the validity of our beliefs, we usually rely on it as a means to convince others of truthiness of what we’re experiencing.   (At least those who care to convince others)

I do believe that it is important that we (as humans) have some method to demonstrate the truth of our claims.  It serves as a form of checks and balances to ensure that we act in accordance with the laws which seem to govern this reality.   That is, assuming the goal is finding out what’s true.

However I do think it’s reasonable to assume that there may be other methods that could point to a higher truth.    One reason I believe this is because what my (admittedly limited) understanding of quantum physics.   The lack of a unified theory (from my understanding) between how things work from a micro to macro scale seem to fly in the face of using what we already know to explain what we don’t know.

The basics of phenomena like quantum entanglement and particle wave collapse seem to suggest that things aren’t as they appear.   Again, I’m not expert at this, but from what I do understand is that it doesn’t make much sense when compared to how the world around us seems to work.

When I think of truth, I don’t know if there is some universal truth out there.   There does seem to be some qualia that ‘truth’ possesses.  Perhaps that qualia is really just explained by what we’re convinced of.   We then fall back to the fact that different people can be convinced of many contradicting things due to our ignorance.

Truth seems to work within a certain context or framework by which we interpret the world.   In other words, it seem to subjective to what each individual thinks that they know.   For example, we say A, B, C and we believe that we go from A to B to C.    But what if we are ignorant of something in between A to B or from B to C.   We don’t know what we don’t know so we are reasonable to assume that B directly follows A.

Epistemology is defined as the study of the method by which we come to a justified belief.   If the Theist is to use logic as  the sole method by which he comes to a justified belief, he steps into an arena filled with landmines and traps.   It would be wise to admit upfront that he takes larger leaps of faith to fill in the gaps of his knowledge….and truth be told, many are ok doing this.   Unfortunately, it’s as if they forget that they are doing this and end up losing the debate based off the rules of engagement.   More specifically, demonstrate the truth of your claim.

The skeptic/atheist is at advantage as they can simply answer with “I don’t know.”   The theist is then left to defend the unanswerable with unprovable (though sometimes reasonable) explanations.    It doesn’t work out well as skeptics are quick to pull out the leap of faith (God of the Gaps) (again reasonable) trump card if things get too hairy.

Perhaps the best defense a  reasonable Christian or any theist for that matter could use is that they believe because they choose to believe.   Sure, it defies logic.   But reasonable atheists can’t account for the personal revelation/experiences of the individual.   They may have reasonable theories, but most will have to admit that the impact of a personal revelation on a person’s life may be enough to convince the person it happened to.  Even if that personal revelation doesn’t convince the person they tell.

From there I’d say that (for better or for worse) choosing to say I don’t know why <insert God> chooses to make things appear that way… but I choose to have faith in this matter despite it not standing up to the logical framework which governs most of my other decisions.   The theist is forced to concede special pleading, but again, faith doesn’t necessarily have to be logical to be reasonable to the individual.

That said, the skeptic has set up a game that the theist cannot win when trying to convince him to believe in God.  He is playing with a stacked deck.  He is asking the theist to prove something as true, using his rules,  while not actually claiming to be able to disprove it.   Therefore he can continue playing the why? how? game infinitely.   Eventually, the theist runs out of answers and then boom….God of the Gaps.  His proposed solutions and objections aren’t on trial so they can be changed ad hoc and are often used as tools of debate to make points or examples.  Or he could reasonably say “I don’t know” if the question is turned back on him.

Belief in God for the logical person must be a choice.  It really doesn’t need an explanation.   The justification is that it’s something that can’t be disproven.   (another thing skeptics hate).  By nature, the concept of God is unfalsifiable so it can’t be proven or disproven using logic.

From there, it follows that the belief comes first, the evidence comes next.    The evidence is based on interpretation of the facts based on the epistemology of the belief.

Everyone including the skeptic does this.   Their first belief is that things must logically make sense in order to be true.  Ironically, the believer does this as well.   The major difference is that the logical skeptic needs objectively demonstrative evidence while the theists is often fine without it.    They both then review the proposal based on the framework of their beliefs.

While both are confident that their way is superior.  Without the ability to know everything that we don’t know nor the ability get out of the trap of appearing to be a subjective being in an objective world, we can’t really be sure if either is a sure pathway to ultimate truth….especially when it comes to matters of the unknown.

That said, while theism does use some form of logic once a premise has been established, the atheist isn’t bound by the specific premise.   The theist walks into the arena with one arm tied behind his back.   The atheist, often armed with more biblical knowledge (in the case of Christianity) that the Christian minus the weight of having to defend his position has a huge advantage.

Personally, I take the position of Agnostic Christian.   While I don’t KNOW if the bible is true as far as a matter of historical fact, nor if my interpretation is correct.  I choose to believe that it contains wisdom that helps me in life and that it is divinely inspired.










Pride goeth before destruction

I realize that I fell out of love with my wife.  Or should I say, I was pushed out of love with her.   I was dragged out, kicking and screaming.   Now that I’m out of the burning building, I wonder why I was so attached as to stay in the heat to endure the burn.

Hope for the possibility of saving my family has taught me that I can endure a lot.   The effort was, for the most part, not a conscious decision.  Perhaps loyalty to the idea was just ingrained in me.  Unfortunately, I sustained a ton of injury and scars to carry with me.

I suppose the next step is learning how to overcome my pride in the matter.   It played a large role in how I handled the situation.   It still does.   I know she has checked out.   I realize that her nature is that of not caring and possibly rubbing salt in the wound.    She no longer cares how her actions affect me.   Yet my pride as a man just won’t allow me peace with her doing whatever the hell she wants.   At least while we are living together.

I was hoping that acceptance would finally lead to apathy.   So far, I still get angry, jealous and annoyed.  “You think I’m stupid” seems to be my go to phrase for whenever she’s engaged in suspicious activity.  She laughs it off and seems to be somewhat amused by my frustration.

The way I see it, there is a combination of factors at play here.   I want justice for feeling that I was treated so badly.   I want her to feel bad and take ownership about destroying our marriage.    I feel emasculated and powerless to do anything about the perceived injustices she inflicts onto me.   Yet I know that it’s all perspective.   If I could, somehow, just not care.  As they say, “it’s mind over matter.  if you don’t mind, it don’t matter.”

I know that I deserve better.   It’s not a matter of not knowing my worth.   I know that fundamentally, we are no longer compatible.  She’s not a keeper.    I am looking forward to the day when I can look back and say that I’m glad that that’s in the past,  just as I do with all of my previous relationships.

I think that one of my biggest fears is that she’ll go on to find that happiness she is looking for despite all of the wrong doing and suffering she’s caused me.   Logically, I know it’s irrelevant as I know that someday, I’ll be over it and hope that I’m as apathetic to her as all of my other exes (for better or for worse in their lives).

For now, it’s a daily struggle.   The emotional roller coaster is still in full effect.  I feel like I’m being emotionally abused.   While I really don’t think that I’ll have any regrets on losing her in the future, presently, it seems that I’m stuck with having to endure the constant pokes and jabs of her apathy.   It’s a constant reminder of the loss of the greatest good I ever had.  My family.

I am daily reminded that I am stuck in an emotionally abusive situation and am pretty much powerless to do anything about it for now.   It’s like being in jail for an undetermined amount of time for a crime that I didn’t commit.

As Buddha said, “attachment is the cause of suffering.”   I have suffered greatly due to my attachment of having a home and family.  I suffer due to my pride over not having the power to make her treat me in the way I feel that I deserve.   I suffer in knowing that in order to get the peace of mind I want, I have to end up hurting/disappointing my son.   I suffer with the knowledge that she could do this to me and pretty much get away with it.

It’s so hard not to hate her over this.   How could I have let such a wicked monster into my heart.   Yet divorce, betrayal, breaking of homes, etc happen every day.   I know that we don’t have what it takes to endure.   I don’t love her anymore.   We don’t have the desire for each other.   The lack of love for me is so apparent and yet I can’t seem to let it go.    She isn’t worth it.  She doesn’t have the type of loyalty, self reflection, kindness, nor consideration that’s need to sustain a marriage.   I can’t love her like Christ loved the church.  It’s just not in me.   It hurts too much.

I gotta figure out how to get the time and space to forgive so that I can move on with my life so that I no longer feel disrespected and hurt over this.  The more she injures me, the harder it is to forgive.   Ironically, the less I forgive, the more hurt I am.

Right now, it seems that all I can do is keep hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel.







I expected too much

I’ve been asking the question of what my role in the demise of our marriage is. It’s tough to point a finger at myself and say that I may have contributed to the fall of it. I do believe that I had the basics covered.

While not the primary breadwinner, I did maintain a decent paying, respectable job throughout it. My salary wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. I could definitely take care of myself and her if needed. But we never had any real financial issues with our combined salaries. Her late and inconsistent work hours made it difficult to find additional part time work outside of rideshare. I did housework instead and did a lot as far as teaching our son things. I’ll say that he is near the top of his class due to the work I did in teaching him. I kept myself in shape. I always offered a listening ear if she had issues. I did communicate my needs. I wasn’t verbally abusive. I was faithful. I did give her freedom to do pretty much what she wanted. I encouraged her to pursue her goals.

But it wasn’t enough. Perhaps those things are just the bare minimum of what a husband is supposed to do.

Conversely, I could have made more money and been more serious about my career. I could have had a deeper vision of where I wanted us to be in the future. I mostly regret not taking more of an active role in our spiritual development. More specifically, taking the lead in fostering our walk with God.

Maybe I was looking at the dysfunction in many black households and my past relationships and made the mistake thinking that we were pretty good. Instead of looking at the type of woman she is, I projected onto her the type of woman I wanted her to be. When I found her lacking in some important area (to me) or another, I ignored it. I loved her and accepted her for it, not thinking that those things were possible signs for things to come.

Maybe I loved her too much. I placed her above me in the sense of always wanting to make her happy. It made me happy to make her happy. I’m a simple man, it doesn’t really take much for me. Perhaps I assumed that, based on the fact that she never complained, that she was like me in that sense. But I did do small things to let her know that I thought about her. Maybe they went unnoticed as she got used to it over the years.

While she still can’t/won’t say why she’s so discontent with our marriage. Or why she’s so “on the fence” about trying to repair it. I can’t help but to think that maybe she’s just not that into me anymore. Sure, entertaining other men, emotional affairs, no sex, etc play a huge role imho. Those are just symptoms of a deeper issue.

Although I think that with work, we could stand a chance, I cannot bring myself to take the lead in fixing things after being betrayed and hurt so deeply. Especially given her insistence on still being secretive with her cell phone.

The flaws that I once ignored in her are blatantly apparent now. These aren’t superficial flaws in my opinion. The strong desire for secrecy, selfishness, the lack of communication, and circumstantial loyalty are all traits that can destroy friendships, let alone a marriage. The lack of understanding of what respect is, healthy marriage boundaries, or the implications behind disloyalty make it apparent that she just isn’t good wifey material.

It would seem that we are on totally opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to emotion, self reflection, and spirituality. It bothers me how she mindlessly scrolls though social media all day, won’t read a book or watch a self development video to save her damn life, and faithfully watches reality tv. It irks me at how she seems to be so stereotypically the modern western black woman. How she grabs on to trends and political speaking points. How she defends her speaking points with other speaking points. It would seem that she’s completely brainwashed by society as a whole.

To be honest, if I met her today (and she was honest about who she is), I don’t think i’d take her seriously as someone to marry. I’d screw her for sure, but she’s like that pretty I.G. model taking selfies in a dirty room.

While many men might try to wife her, I’d look at the long term difficulties and not give my heart to her. Going through this taught me that looks, initial chemistry, and a few flattering words aren’t enough. The intangibles are way more important when considering who to allow into your heart so deeply.

If I take full responsibility, I would have to say that I was too enthralled by her beauty to notice that we never really had deep conversations about life. Everything was mostly surface level. In fact, if I ever got too deep, I should have taken note how she seemed bored and didn’t have much to contribute. The words “I’m listening” along with extended silence is now in the Red Flag collection… at least when it comes to certain conversations.

I should have taken note that she never read articles or watched videos I sent her. Or how the only things she showed interest in were things that could be leveraged as social capital (‘gram’ worthy events.)

It doesn’t make her an evil person. Many men I know too are like this too. Perhaps she is better suited for the sports jock or dudes who are “all about the bag.” Maybe an emotionally unavailable man would be a better match to her apathetic attitude about the deeper aspects of life. Maybe a man who is a master manipulator with a strong personality is her cup of tea.

Given her lack of self reflection and tendency towards co dependency, I’m afraid that if the wrong man gets into the picture, she’ll allow him to manipulate her into doing whatever the hell he wants (like her ex affair partner), regardless of the consequences. Wouldn’t be a problem if my son wouldn’t be affected. But maybe I’m underestimating her. Maybe I just overthink things too much.

Either way, we probably just aren’t right for each other. I think she liked the novelty of me at first. I’m not like many of the guys she was used to. Maybe it’s what captivated her the most about me at first. I am pretty thoughtful, I do bring a different perspective, I wasn’t the stereotypical black dude from the streets of New York (again, her ex affair partner). At the same time, given her “in the box” tastes in music, social media influencers, and current trends, maybe she really wants what she’s used to. She wants that dude that’s in a box. And that’s ok, nothing more wrong with them than with me. It’s just not me.

Likewise, while I personally don’t hold it against a female for her likes and actions as far as being a human goes, there are certain ones I personally wouldn’t want a long monogamous relationship with. It’s not that I think my way is better, I just don’t think we would be able to sustain ourselves long term once the new energy of the relationship wears out.

So in the end, maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. We just didn’t have enough chemistry mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. Our values and frequencies are just too different.

I wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t looking for perfection. I’ll say that I was pretty close though (on paper). At least when I compare to the complaints I hear other women have about the men in their lives.

It goes to show that no matter how well you treat someone, no matter what the intentions are in the beginning, nor how dedicated you are to them, how much you sacrifice and love them, that sometimes things just don’t work out.

I have to learn to get over the feelings of betrayal. I have to stop expecting her to be self reflective as it’s just not her. I have to stop projecting the idea that a strong nuclear family is worth fighting for and should be her priority as well. I can’t expect her to just know things the way that I do. I can’t expect her to feel bad or disappointed with the way she treated me. She is just not who I wanted her to be no matter how badly I wished she was. I have to accept that. She’s just not into me anymore. She checked out and isnt interested in making things ok.

The hardest part of acceptance is her apathetic attitude about how bad she hurt and humiliated me in all of this. That I may have to carry these scars and pain because I did love so deeply while she gets to walk away relatively easily without any bruises or bumps. That she gets to walk away without any regrets, remorse, or ownership in the destruction of our home. It seems so unfair to have to grieve the loss of our home by myself due to nothing I did, while she walks away with no rregrets.

But I have to forgive her….as I truly think that she really doesn’t have the capacity (with me anyway) to understand how fucked up this all is. I cant expect her to be someone she isn’t. I shouldnt judge her based on my expectations or personal ideas of “oughtness”.

She isn’t evil or anything (though a bit shallow imho) and she’s probably telling the truth when she says that it wasn’t her intention to hurt me. I feel like I’m stretching her when I have the intention vs impact discussion.

I realize it seems that it seems that I’m implying that she’s stupid or something. I dont think she’s stupid. I just think that emotional empathy is one of her specific weaknesses. Just as one of mine is a tendency to overthink things….or maybe, she just isn’t into me enough to spend the emotional energy to care.

I’m thinking that the hurt comes from my own insecurities about not being good enough. I took her rejection of my love for her and our marriage as a sign that I wasn’t enough.

I didn’t take into consideration that she isn’t assertive, self reflective, nor communicative about her needs. I felt that being abandoned and betrayed was indication of me not being man enough. It brought out fears of being unworthy. Of not being man enough to keep her despite having so much good in our lives.

Added to the pain of hurting our son, I really just felt shitty. While the latter part still bites, at least I know that I need to work on feeling better about myself overall as a person. I thought that I was a fairly emotionally healthy person, but this has shown me that I do have a few demons hiding beneath the surface.