I used to think that most people, by and large were good. I mean I believed that there were pretty shitty people in the world, but for the most part, I think I was naive to how bad they were. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely clueless, but I thought pretty much everyone thought like me in the sense of living by the golden rule.

As time goes on, I am starting to believe otherwise. The scary part about this is that I’m starting to wonder if people who do wicked things even know that they are wicked in the first place. I think this wake up call from my wife probably started this. However, looking online at the comments on videos, I am starting to believe that she isn’t really rare in her thinking.

It’s so easy to find wicked women who lie, cheat, and gaslight the men in their lives, but yet still think that they are “good” women. Either that or they know that they are wicked, but just don’t care. I think my wife is wicked…..I mean wicked is as wicked does….. yet she somehow thinks she is deserving of real love.

She lies so much that it’s a bit disturbing. I jokingly confronted her about trying to cast a spell on her current lover in order to get him to leave his girl. Normally, I don’t recommend snooping, but with her, I have to in order to keep my sanity. She lies so much and so convincingly that if I didn’t, I’d probably start believing her.

She actually has done research on how “love spells” and even hired a so called “psychic” who gave her some sort of love candle or something. She lied to me and told me that it was a chakra candle to “align” her chakras. Complete bullshit. I know a bit about chakras and was quizzing her on her understanding. She could tell me nothing. The lack of self respect she has for herself in this matter has completely dissipated any remaining respect I may have had for her. I tease her saying that she gives off “side chick energy”, but she completely denies it. Though her lover has a girlfriend she is desperately trying to get rid of. It’s sad that she shares a guy, but it’s even worse that she wants them to split when they have children together.

I mean seriously…..how doesn’t she think that if a person will cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. I think she’s also seeing her so called male “best friend” on the side from time to time. I saw where she texted him about coming to see her a few nights. She also told him that I was still salty about the fact that he slept with her and she invited him over to the house. They just laughed about it and she told him how much she can’t stand me. He pretty much responded with an “oh well”….. and asked to see her tits.

TBH, I’ve been over it, but she has sunk so low in her moral character that there is no way I could ever like ever be back with her. I am scheduled to have a consultation with a divorce attorney today. Hopefully they will give me some good news. She still hasn’t signed the noncontested papers though she cliamed to have paid an attorney for that. I signed my half, but she still as of yet hasn’t.

Is she really this stupid? Does she really think that a man will take her seriously knowing that she’s out cheating on her husband? What kind of man would actually take her on for anything more than sex knowing that she is away from her own son for so long for no real reason. I mean most good mothers would not want to be away from their child for so long without having a damned good reason. Though she does visit like twice a month for a few days, she is missing so much of him growing up. She has missed a lot over the past few years.

Her excuse…..she’s making more money in NYC…..yet an investigation shows that her electric bill way past overdue being like $1500. She is now tapping into the joint account and pretty much spent all of the money out of that. She’s taking out pay day loans. And when asked about sending me money for the mid month bills, she doesn’t have it and says she’ll send it on Friday. She wasn’t even paying her taxes and now we owe the IRS 14k. How is she so damned broke. She said her purpose for taking the jobs in NYC was to get the extra money. I’m thinking about filing separately so we could at least get a refund. Why should I have to incur the debt that she made by making stupid decisions and it isn’t like I benefitted off of it.

She barely cleans when she’s here and sits around all day doing God knows what. She’s barely making it financially for a nurse practitioner on travel pay in NYC….. yet the joint account is showing transactions for $50 here and $100 there being payed to a so called psychic. I really think there are a few screws missing in her head. Then she has the nerve to call and bitch and complain to me about kiddo lying to her and not “handling his business” when she’s here. He lies about his school work as not to get into trouble, though I am trying to teach him that it’s better to tell the truth and face the consequences.

This is just sad man. My family is becoming a train wreck and I can’t help but to want to put so much blame onto her. She just doesn’t seem to get it or seem to care. The other day, I asked her about her behavior and she says that she is faithful. “How sway” i asked her and she says that she was faithful for the first few years of our marriage. My mind was blown that she could say something so stupid with a serious face. I started to explain to her how that was dumb, but what’s the point. I just said “OK” and walked away.

This is why conversation with her is basically pointless. She’ll either stonewall and say nothing, gaslight or lie, or just say stupid shit like the above statement on her ‘faithfulness’. This is an unwise woman and yeah, I’m bitching about it because I don’t want to be in this situation and have been on her ass about filling out the paperwork. I say let those guys fight it out. She isn’t worth it and I say that she can be their problem. Let them hash it out over her.

We could have been much better off if she wasn’t so…. like that.

It’s like I still have to figure everything out and she offers no help. No insight. No support. Yet she thinks she’s a catch or something. It’s just hard to wrap my head around her mentality. Not to mention she’d always be liability given her lack of self reflection, morals, and rational thinking. She’s easily corrupted by manipulative men (such as her so called-best friend) who in my opinion is an obvious dirtbag. I really think she is on the spectrum, she’s losing brain cells, or she might really be stupid like for real. Her mental health is rapidly declining and she’s unable to mask it. I am starting to wonder if life is actually too hard for some women and they really need to be in the house doing menial tasks.

As much as I complain about her, a lot of this is on me for not taking the proper steps and acting like she could act as a decent partner in some capacity. I expected way too much out of her. Even after the affairs began. I mean if she didn’t want to be here, then why not simply help me get this divorce. I mean, that sounds reasonable to me. Regardless of how I felt about divorce, I wasn’t trying to be kept in a disrespectful situation and she showed me that she didn’t respect me. I never tried to make her stay, but I’m pretty sure that her so called lovers get the impression that I’m somehow trying to hold on to her. It makes sense to get a noncontested because I don’t want anything from her and I don’t have much she can take….why go through all this extra money to pay for divorce attorneys when she has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want me and I damn for sure don’t want her anymore. Like I told her a million times, I did love our family, and I would have fought for her, but never over her.

I am stuck in limbo and the only way out is seems is going the attorney route. She listens to what I have to say, shit, I’ve said it at least 100 times. I’ve laid out possible plans, but she never acts upon them. She gets dickmatized easily and just acts like that’s the only thing that matters in the world. As if her actions don’t directly and indirectly affect kiddo. She’s too gotdamned old for this shit. Selfish and stupid. I’ve been seeing irrational and selfish women pop up everywhere online. It’s like an epidemic or something. These women have the emotional intelligence of a fish sandwich and the utility of a jar of pickles. The moral of the story is to vet and choose wisely.

I’m getting out.

Controversial opinion, but I don’t think that it’s always bad to ‘snoop’ through your s/o’s stuff. In a lot of cases, i don’t think it should be necessary if you trust the person. However, if they give you reason not to trust them, then I say game on. Here’s the caveat, before going there, I think that you really need to access the reasons as to why you don’t trust them. Is it simply based on personal insecurity or is it based on strange/inconsistent behaviors they are exhibiting? Have you tried talking to them and if so, what was their response. Does it seem that they are hiding something?

As much as we’d like to think that we live in a perfect world, we know that human beings can do some shitty things to each other. Especially if they think that they can do it and get away with it. Big secrets can take away one’s personal right to make and take the proper actions necessary to their well being. A lot of times, if you wasn’t such a pussy and afraid to look, then you would have discovered that he was cheating or that she was with Chad instead of on that girl’s trip. Who knows how many times a guy could have discovered that the baby she was pregnant with actually belonged to someone else.

I am not saying that a person should always go through their significant other’s phone though. I understand the argument that privacy is important. Well, kind of. I still think that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If I had a significant other who wanted to go through my phone then I don’t think that I’d mind it. She might find some booty pics or something, but I can’t imagine hiding anything I’d be ashamed of my S/O knowing. If i was planning a surprise or something, then she’d spoil it, but how often does that happen? I think the off chance she would snoop and find something like that would be worth the price of transparency in relationship. It’s a way to hold yourself and her accountable.

One argument that kind of makes sense is that she may be having private conversations with friends that she wouldn’t want me to be aware of. Say, she has sworn secrecy to the friend. But still, I haven’t met a woman who doesn’t like to run her mouth to her man. In fact, I know people in general tend to talk to their signficant others about their friends. When I tell my married friends something in secret, it’s almost a foregone conclusion in my mind that they’re going to go back and tell their wives or significant others.

But it can be damaging. I get it, some people just like privacy. The phone can act as a diary of sorts, but I don’t know. I know that I never had the urge to go through my lover’s phone. She never seemed to be hiding anytihng, but then again, who knows? I thought it might have been a possibility that she wasn’t 100 with me…..but for some reason, i just kind of didn’t care to know. I think that I just wanted to trust her despite the real possibility that she could have been lying about a number of things.

I said that to say that I was looking at STBXW’s phone and it continues to confirm my suspicions of her lying and gaslighting. I mean I already know, but when you’re stuck in this type of situation, you like to know what the fuck is going on. It really has changed my perception or should I say reaffirmed my perception of her. She’s a such a liar. I’d go so far as to say an idiot. Seeing the lies actually makes me feel better in a way to know that I’m not fucking crazy.

I can see her for who she truly is and it ain’t pretty. These things helped me fall out of love with her. I don’t know how deep this thing went, but I truly don’t desire her like a wife. She lacks the traits and characteristics that would make a man a better man. Well, me anyway. The things I discovered shows her lack of faithfulness not just to me, but to herself. It’s sad and pathetic in my opinion. She seems to lack self respect and that isn’t a reflection upon me. Either that or she’s an idiot. Either way, it makes me regret getting with her in the first place.

I can admit that I’m not perfect, however, I do think that if she were a better caliber of woman. More self reflective, insightful, smarter, moral, and held herself to a higher standard….. our relationship could have flourished. Some times when people say “it’s Me, not you” they really are on to something. At this point, even though there is some humiliation there, it’s not really so much a reflection on me as it is to her. Guys are just using her as a cum dumpster and she can’t see it. She’s so stupid, but allows it. She makes our entire family look stupid, but doesn’t care. I just wish that she’d cooperate and grant the amicable divorce without getting attorneys involved. I really mean it when I say that he, them, they can have her. She’s for the streets and it seems that she doesn’t even realize it. She’s a liability and is of no use to me…..and I’m not even getting pussy from her. I’m cool with that bcuz based on what I’ve read, I could never see her in a “wifey” type of way again.

My ex-lover used to tell me that someday, I was going to look back and regret missing out on her. I always thought that was a pretty dubious and lousy thing to say. I believe that words do have power and I did not want them to haunt the back of my mind affecting my sub-conscious mind thought processes. I always made sure that I told myself that it would be untrue, even though I told her “maybe, but i hope not.”

I do miss her at times and I did attempt to call, but she didn’t answer. It’s been a couple of months now, but I still think about her from time to time. I wonder if she thinks about me? Then again, women do tend to move on faster than us. She is single with no kids and nothing is really keeping her from going out onto the dating market. I also think she may have been getting closer to one of her neighbors. It’s fine.

The thing is that even though we were cool and I did love her. I didn’t think she’d make a good wife for me. I was wondering if it was the fact that the made hella more money than me, but in reality, I don’t think so. There were just a few red flags that made me feel as if it would end in disaster if we were to actually get married. I was reflecting on these things the other day. Even though I do miss her sometimes, I am glad that I did not cave into the pressure of making her my “woman”.

When we first started talking and getting to know each other, I once told her about how STBXW’s affair partner basically coached her into betraying me. She said “that was kind of hot”. But then she doubled back and said it was messed up, but still “kind of hot”. Major RED FLAG. At least insofar as for someone I’d want to take seriously.

Her constant drinking and getting wasted at events was also an issue. I liked the fact that we’d drink a lot on the weekends and do stuff together, but when we were apart, she’d sometimes tell me about how she’d get black out drunk in bars. Who knows what the fuck she’d do, especially given the fact that even though she’s usually more introverted, when she gets drunk, she gets very flirty. Not a good look. At all. Another RED FLAG on the play.

She has daddy issues in that she hated her father (understandably) since he basically abandoned her, but instead of neutrality or some level of forgiveness. There was none…..whatsoever. She was happy when he died. She also bragged a lot about her ability to be extremely petty and unforgiving. RED FLAG ref.

She did not believe in God or have a reverence for spiritual things. Even though I am agnostic, my foundation is Christian and I think I do have a respect and understanding of the message of Jesus Christ. With no moral foundations, I don’t know if I could really trust her. Another RED FLAG.

She once told me about a rude waiter when she went to Germany who she accused of being a racist. Maybe he was a racist, I wasn’t there, but her flex was that she made more money in a month that he’d see in a year. And this was her validation for making her ‘feel’ better than him. It wasn’t that she shouldn’t self sooth or validate herself. But it was the superficial reason of making more money that made her feel superior to him. A RED FLAG….at least to me anyway. I’d rather her not have said anything or maybe cracked some jokes on his appearance, style, or something.

Because I rent, I try to minimize the amount of furniture I have in my apartment. So I had a large blow up bed. When completely inflated, it’s the size of a regular bed. She knows about it. I once asked her to come over, but she told me that she would not spend the weekend with me until I got a regular bed. I did end up getting one because the blow up beds kept getting holes in them, but the point is that I saw that excuse as a RED FLAG. Because if she really loved and cared about me like she says she did, it wouldn’t matter where we slept as long as we were safe and fairly comfortable. Ideally, if she felt it was THAT important, she would have come down and “made” me go out and buy one together.

I once asked her why she liked me so much. She said, “look at these muscles”, I can’t resist myself. RED FLAG. Yeah, I do work hard in the gym, but that’s superficial AF if u ask me. What if I injured myself and couldn’t work out? Would she still care enough to remain loyal until I was able to get back into shape?

It was kind of a RED FLAG ok I’ll give her a YELLOW on the fact that she was fucking with me in the first place knowing that I am married. I mean I had no need to lie to her about my situation with the wife, but still, I don’t think that she should have been fucking with me. It’s a sign of loose morals. I may be hypocritical on this, but still, just saying.

Her asking me for a $20k engagement ring was another RED FLAG. I understand wanting what you want, but come on, that’s a LOT for a wedding ring considering my salary. Ideally, the type of woman I’d want wouldn’t really care about the cost of the ring, but would value damn near anything I got her. Of course I’d try to get her something nice, but the principle is that she would value it regardless of what I spent on it. A 2k ring would be more valuable in her eyes because of what it meant moreso than a 50k ring simply because it is so expensive.

She had a few other issues that I probably could have worked with. The drinking every night is something I may have been able to overlook even though it was a cause of concern.

Another area of concern is the fact that I may have over played her to my best friend. They have a lot in common and when I first met her, before I got “feelings” for her, I sort of told him that they had a lot in common. I was pretty drunk at the time, but he never seemed to forget it. Part of their similiaritites that they are both pretty gotdamned petty. I don’t know if that’s a bad relationship with your father kind of thing or what… but they both hate their fathers, both work in similar industries, both went to mostly white ivy league colleges, and both were sort of rejected by the black community coming up. She in many ways is a female version of him. Maybe that’s why she and I got along so well.

I don’t trust him to not hit on her, but mostly I don’t know if I trust her to not give in to it out of respect for me. Even though I personally think that they are too similar and given their type, it would probably end up pretty toxic in an actual relationship…..they might/ especially given the hidden and forbidden nature of it they’d try to do something behind my back. They seem to lack a certain level of morals that i can’t quite put my finger on. I think WE (me and her) and (me and him) get along pretty well because I complement them well as a friend. We balance each other out and instead of egging on their pettiness, I try to be the voice of reason and talk them off the cliff. They remind me that it’s ok to take the low road sometimes and that it’s ok to be petty on occasion. Balance.

She is also pretty naive to the ways of the streets and “game” in general. I thought this was a bit endearing in STBXW, but I discovered the hard way that a person lacking a strong moral foundation and not knowing about it are subject to fall for it quite easily. Her idea of game is the “yo baby yo” type of thing. But it’s really a certain level of ‘con’ fidence. I could get into it, but maybe i’ll write about my understanding of it another time. I’m not a streets guy, but I was close enough to know it when I see it.

She’s also the party ‘girl’ and I used to tease her as she kind of bragged about ‘corrupting’ her more naive friends. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until she is your wife or girlfriend. It’s kind of sad to say, but I think that she’d eventually grow bored of me. She sort of needs a guy with that edge that’s gonna play her and have a agenda for her beyond love and friendship. He needs to keep her on her toes and not be so easy-going or laid back. Though I play the ‘toxic’ role for entertainment purposes, that’s not really me. I mean I do have SOME toxic traits, but I’m toxic-light compared to the type of guy I’m thinking about. This guy would be like a streets guy, maybe not in the streets, but playa playa type ladies man who knows how to keep her ‘entertained’ with bullshit shenanigans. He’d probably actually be the life of the party/ larger than life type. But I do think she’d also miss me balancing her out.

All that said, I don’t think that we had what it took to be spouses. I do miss her, and if she hits me up, I’ll be back collecting frequent flyer trips back to Philly. We had fun, but I don’t think that I could wife her and I’m ok with being Mr. Stand in. Maybe my job with her is over. But i really enjoyed our time and I hope she feels the same about me.