A New Beginning

We’re both unhappy, but I’m unhappy as a result of her constant affairs (both emotional and physical), her never wanting to fix (or even try) to find out why she’s so “unhappy”, not taking responsibility, nor seeming to care to bridge the huge gap caused by her repeated infidelities.

I believe my wife has mental issues. What specifically, I don’t know. I have no idea how she can intentionally disrespect me, our family, or herself for that matter without feeling guilty. Or how she could hurt and betray someone who never did anything to her. Or how she thinks that it’s ok to cheat on her husband just because she’s “unhappy”. At least without addressing the issues and trying to fix them first. I could see if she voiced concerns to me first which I ignored, but to this day, she never explained to me the real reason for her “unhappiness.”

Perhaps she just wants to explore what’s out there while keeping her family in tact. It’s like job hopping, but wanting to keep the security of the current job until the right one comes along. that’s a huge problem because I have feelings and self respect. Plus, she’s not doing what she’s supposed to be doing at her “current” job.

I gotta let her go. It’s so hard not be bitter and angry when her being on the phone and texting other men feels so disrespectful. She is my wife and we still live together. I am a man, a human, and I deserve more respect than that. I make it a point to call her out everytime and let her know that this is NOT OK. I am reasonable, but I don’t yell or fight as not to act out of character in front of the kid. Unforntuatley, she doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I’m trying to shield him even though I have informed her several times NOT to do this in front of us.

I can’t believe it’s been over 3 years and I’m still dealing with this. I do think that I am in a decent enough space now to be able to have a reasonable conversation with our son without coming across as bitter. She still makes it hard. I was expecting for her to become rational again…..possibly try fixing things…..or either be amicable and respectful as we figure things out. But i have to realize (and I should have realized this at least 2 years ago), that I am projecting onto her what I want/expect her to be. Reasonable/rational/fair.

But she isn’t and so I am pretty much alone in this insofar as figuring EVERYTHING out.

I don’t want to stay married to her. But I want to have my own place. I want our son to be settled in and used to the new norm. And then we get divorced on paper. I can’t live under the same roof with her as long as she’s seeing other men. Even if we weren’t married on paper.

It’s already bad enough that she is married to me, but I can concede to accept it if we don’t actually live together.

She’s supposed to be going on another travel assignement as soon as she finds a position. That will be a great start and it will give me the opportunity and space to continue to detach. I already expect her to start seeing other guys, but I’m ok with it as I’ve accepted that she’s going to be talking to other men with or without me around. It’s much better for me to sleep alone, than with someone who disrespects me like that.

While for the most part, we get along well, unless she’s on the sneaky phone bullshit in front of me and/ or our son…..we don’t really enjoy each other’s company anyway. I’m super moody when it comes to her because I don’t like being played for the fool. We’re not cool and the notifcations and suspicious behavior is enough to remind me to snap out of it when I starting letting my guard down too much.

If the travel assignment is in New York (we live in Atlanta), I fear that she may start (continue?) a relationship up there and want to actually move there to be with him. I’d be fine with that, but I fear she may want to move our son up there. Just like last time. This is where things can get contentious and I may possibly need a lawyer. Even if we have a custody battle, I think I’d have to give my permission to allow him to live up there.

I’d ask him what he wanted to do. If he wanted to move, then I wouldn’t make him stay here. But if he wasn’t sure, then she sure as hell can’t have custody.

TBH, it would in a way force her to choose between her new “man” or her son. Last time, I almost conceded and let him move up there with her. I reasoned that she is his mother and their relationship meant a lot to her. That would have been a big mistake.

This time though, she can go to hell and there will be not consideration for it. I am curious to see if she really loves him enough to choose him over some new “love” interest. This would be the second time she left him (although last time was temporary), she was willing to lose time with him or disrupt his pretty good life in order to be closer to her affair partner. Dude’s a fucking loser at that and in no way had the ability nor is the type to take care of her. NOt saying it matters, but it does when it comes to me trusting her with custody and making good decisions for our son.

I’m thinking that in one scenario, she stays up there, chooses her new “love” interest over him and once the divorce proceedings happen, I’d ask for full custody (as I am taking care of him while she’s gone like last time) and I would get it.

She would either have to move back to GA if she wanted joint custody or stay up there and grant me full custody. But either way, she couldn’t just take him to stay without my ok. I’d only mess up if i said that she could keep him for a few months or something.

In another scenario, she would move back to GA after the assignment were over and get a home. We could talk about living arrangements then.

At the end of the day, it’s up to her where she wants to live. I’m ok either way, but as long as I can stay steady and consistent (and stay out of trouble), I should be able to keep custody. Possibly getting child support if she acts out of pocket about it. I don’t feel guilty in this because 1)she broke the family without attempting to fix it and 2)she makes more money than me 3)she seems to care more about herself than his well being at his point (see point 1) and 4)her character makes me question her ability to really be a decent single mother.

For now, just keep my nose clean. It’s just me and him and without her bringing me down, hopefully, though I don’t anticipate this will be easy, at least I don’t have the pressure of feeling disrespected in my own home.

We can stay in the apartment for now. I may have to figure out to convince her to help pay for the apartment, but if she doesn’t then, I can get a part time job on the weekend. My only concern is that if she saves up enough money because she’s only paying for her and makes more money, she can lawyer up and when we go to court, I won’t have enough to afford one on my own so she may end up with custody.

If it gets that far, I’ll worry about it then. It’s in God’s hands at that point. As I write this, I’m actually looking forward to her leaving. I was still hopelessly in love with her last time. I still had hope for our marriage and nuclear family. I was hurt beyond belief, probably in denial, and in a very bad place mentally.

Hopefully, I can keep this energy up once she’s gone again. Hopefully I’m not so concerned about if she’s screwing around as worrying about it last time seemed to have no effect on her behavior anyway. Plus now I see how she “really” is. I’ve had more than enough time to process the fact that who I thought she was and who she really is are contrary to one another.

I’m keeping the focus on making him a better man, his education, my job(s), and boxing/jujistu for now. At least until he’s a little older and I can worry about dating then. Dunno, hopefully I can squeeze R in, but I won’t and can’t prioritize it for now. And i can’t expect her to understand (or even if she does) it’s not her responsibility to put her life on hold for us. He comes first right now until he can take care of himself.

I can take this time to make myself a better man as well and what better way to learn than to teach?

Accepting Wap Nature

I’m thinking that I just have to come to the conclusion that pretty much all women in 2020 are hoes. By hoes, I mean, unfaithful, sneaky, opportunistic and disloyal.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s sleeping with every man that she meets nor does it mean that she is sleeping with men for money. It simply means that it’s very likely she’s sleeping with some other man on the side while she’s with you. It could be a situationship, fwb, an ex, her crush, the occasional one night stand, co-worker, whatever.

Even if she isn’t having a physical infidelity, she has someone lined up and ready to go at any time she feels ready to move on. Based on anectodal evidence and several statistics out there, most already have a guy lined up and probably are already in or halfway in a relationship before she breaks up.

Once she loses interests, she’ll hold on to the primary relationship until she has something else lined up. As she lines those things up, cheating (physical and emotional) infidelity is sure to follow. In other words, by the time you finally get around to breaking up, she is already in a relationship with someone else.

She will blow up the primary relationship and move on without any regret, respect, or remorse. Be aware of the signs (not what she says) or else you’ll be there blindsided wondering how she moved on so fast.

If rich, handsome, powerful, and successful men have issues with keeping her, then what chance does the average man have.

Most women today are serial monogamists, who can’t be alone, and once the attraction is gone, so is the respect and morals (as far as interpersonal relationships go).

In other words, even though she says that she hates liars and cheaters, she will become that thing until she gets what she wants. And will deny it even when confronted with the direct evidence. It brings out the worst in her character, and too often men, too thirsty to recognize or care will still justify her behavior because he’s getting sex or validation from a woman he may be attracted to. It will bite him in the ass in the future, but I’m starting to think that most men are stupid and immoral (especially when it comes to women) as well.

This is how the vast majority play the game and this is why men must always be cognizant of red flags. She will never tell the truth and even when confronted with it, she’ll lie, deceive, gaslight, or blameshift.

She will brag or even be proud of the fact that she’s so “strong” or cold hearted. She may even find pleasure in “breaking” the man she discarded though she will fake like it isn’t her “intention” on screwing him over.

The approach for a man these days is internal apathy. In other words, show love, remain stoic, and understand that she’s never yours, it’s just your turn. Men cannot love women the way from an attached way. The idea of a soulmate is about as dangerous of a idea as any bad one.

Now this fact may appear to be coming from a place of bitterness and brokenness, but don’t kill the messenger. Many women will deny the fact that they do this. But it’s 2020, there are few women with integrity and fewer contain the internal self reflection necessary for the type of love that long term relationships and marriage require.

It is to say that loving these women with your heart, in real self sacrificial way is a terrible idea. We must not allow ourselves to get caught up into thinking that the good sex, ego stroking, and compliance she gives when she’s into us is anything other than temporary. It’s not enough to to dedicate your life to her.

Those good morning texts, making her laugh, funny memes, orgasms you give her, gifts, and surprises really don’t mean as much to her as you think they do. Even if she says she appreciates it, trust and believe that you aren’t the first, nor probably will be the last to do that for her.

That special connection that you have right now, well do you think you are the first or last (and now days “only”) one she got going on? Do you really believe that these special moments are enough to keep her respecting you when the honeymoon phase wears off. Once the attraction fades, so does the respect when it comes to women. Always remember that.

While looks, money, and status all play a role in attraction, novelty is also a requirement in order to keep her on her toes.

How many other females have you shared these moments with? How great and amazing was it in the beginning. Texting all day. Great sex, the promises, plans, discovering things about each other, inside jokes….. How did that turn out for you?

What i’m saying is enjoy the moment, but don’t fall for the illusion.

Look at it as a vacation of sorts, but eventually, the trip is over and you have to go home. Relationships are not permanent and the ideas of marriage being a forever thing is detrimental to your emotional well being and health.

Unless you’re willing to concede that your woman will most likely cheat, fall for temptation, get tired of you, and go back on everything she claims to stand for (while she’s under the illusion of being in love), you aren’t really equipped to love her for real for real. You’re going to be hurt if you put those expectations on her. Add marriage, kids, and mixing of finances in the mix, and you’re looking at a disaster waiting to happen.

“Yeah, but our love is different” you tell yourself. Let you and everyone else in love tell it. How about the guy before you?

How about the girl before her? Are you assuming that her ex was an asshole or not man enough, but somehow you are? Pretty sure you think the same about the guy before you this time too, just as you thought the same about the guy your last ex was with.

So when i say don’t love, i say love her for what she is, but never believe for one moment that she is who she says she is. It’s bad out here for relationships. It’s not just me, but so many men out here like me. Many even better than me have learned this the hard way.

Though it is difficult, the best way to move is to love her for what she is, oblivious, deceitful, insecure, beautiful, entertaining. Love the feeling she gives you, but realize that you’re never meant to be permanently attached. It’s just your turn, but instead of being angry or bitter or complaining about it, just accept it for what it is and move accordingly.

Infectious Insanity

Living with my wife for the past 5 years has been the most tumultuous insane period of my life. She’s not who I thought she was, insofar as what’s in her heart.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have placed such high expectations on her. I was smitten by her beauty and somewhat reserved nature. Still though, I should have peeped the red flags:

No participation during deep conversation, no original thoughts on anything, the fact that she had just jumped out of a long term relaionship directly into one with me, she claimed to be a christian, but didn’t “know” if she was saved or not. The reasons she broke up with her boyfriend seemed dubious at best, in all honesty, he sounded like a pretty decent guy (that one cheating episode aside).

Dating, was probably the furthest I should have gone with her. By the time I proposed, I was already deep in love with her. I did my share of simping, placing her on a pedestal, and made the mistake of loving her with all my heart. She was my world and i would have done anything for her. I felt as if I would forsake everything for her…..all the while deep down, I knew that I loved her a little more than she loved me.

I was clueless about red pill understanding on these matters. I thought she was “the one.” And i was willing to deal with any problems (aside from cheating)…. I wanted to protect and maintain our vows.

That said I loved her too much. I overestimated how seriously she took our vows. I thought that our marriage and family (though not perfect) was much more important to her… at least important enough to fight for when times got rough.

Perhaps she loved me at the time, but at some point, I have to accept that she is who she is and I cannot change that. That said, our views on marriage, love, and loyalty is different.

Her feeling like, loyalty is contingent on whether or not she’s happy. It seems that she feels that cheating is justified if she’s not satisfied. Even if she can’t identify the “why”. Even if she doesn’t express discontent nor tries to do anything to help fix it.

In certain ways, I want her to feel actual remorse about hurting me so bad. The lies, gaslighting, disrespect to me (as a person), our marriage, and family. I want her understand the humiliation she put me through. The mental pain and anguish she’s caused. I want her to actually feel bad about her actions insofar as destroying our relationship and family.

Yet it seems that this won’t be possible this lifetime. I don’t think she’s capable of feeling that deep. Her morals are very loose and she doesn’t have a sense of empathy that will prevent her from doing things that hurt those should mean the most to her. She’s a loose cannon. And no amount of guilt tripping, asking her to put herself in someone else’s shoes, telling or showing her how fucked up it is when others do it others can get her to do better.

It’s a lost cause. Her immediate gratification is more important than the potential long term effects of the dissolution of our nuclear home may have on our son.

She is the “typical american woman” as described in redpill literature. Selfish, deceitful, shallow, ignorant, and proud. Though cute on the outside, especially for her age, on the inside, she’s obliviously wicked and cold.

I cannot allow her to keep cheating. I just don’t believe enough in her anymore. She broke my heart. She doesn’t care if she hurts me. In fact, I think she gets a bit of pleasure from it. I can’t rely on her and I don’t have the fight in me left to pray anymore. Not to say I’ve been perfect in all this, having had my own affair after the fact. But still, she never knew or either didn’t care enough to say anything about it. It never hurt her in any way.

These matters are complicated. I did what i had to do after months of trying to get her to stop and enduring way more pain, loss of confidence, etc.

I blamed not wanting to hurt my son for staying, but I should have manned up and divorced first. I’ll say that I was wrong for that.

Either way, she’s not going to change. She’s moving out soon to take a “travel assignment” as well as (presumably) have more time to get involved with her new interest.

I have to do something, because she’ll eat cake until either he or someone convinces her to leave or I leave myself. I have to put in the work, make plans, and carry all this on my shoulders as she doesn’t care about anyone else but herself.

With that, I guess that I’m right back in position of powerlessness of having to endure the disrespect and disregard for my feelings in the matter. I’m going to have to save myself without her help.

Poisoned by a black widow

Dopesick is a term that’s used when addicts literally feel sick when trying to overcome a drug habit. Depending on the drug and level of dependency, overcoming it can be super hard and possibly fatal. Many people know that the drug is having a negative effect on their lives and yet in order to avoid the dope sick feeling will continue on their path of self destruction.

Falling in love with a certain type of woman is very similar. I’d like to warn men that a large many of these women today are terrible. As of yet, I haven’t figured out if these type of women know it, but are lying or if they truly don’t know themselves. I’d like to call them black widows.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person starts believing their own bullshit. Either way falling for one of the terrible ones is like having a drug problem.

Similarly, drugs and love both feel great in the beginning. You feel invincible. On top of the world. It opens up thoughts and creativity in ways you never thought were possible. Your body feels great. Your mind feels sharp. You’re present and feel alive.

But it comes at a price.

You usually don’t become addicted per se to drugs the first or second time you do them. I mean you remember the high, but you’re generally able to function normally without them after the high wears off. You might feel a bit shitty in the following days, but you can pretty much shake it off and be fine.

Addiction happens when you keep indulging in it. The insidious part is that the more you do it, the less high you feel until you reach a point where you have to do it in order to feel normal. And this sort of creeps upon you.

Falling in love is similar. The woman makes you feel so good about yourself. Her smell, the way she strokes your ego, the satisfaction you feel when you fuck her good, the way she sounds when she comes, when she tells you how much she loves you. All those things produce a massive amount of dopamine in your brain. Indulged here and there is fine, it’s a fun night. But too much and you can easily become addicted.

It’s nature. The brain produces all sorts of chemicals during orgasm. Dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, vassopressin, and probably others that all make you feel good. It’s designed to bond you with a person. The process leading up to sex and then orgasm releases all these chemicals in your brain. And it literally loves those feelings.

You end up become addicted to the feelings she gives you, not her necessarily. But either way, you want to continue to indulge. Be warned, this is a path to addiction. Imagine for a second that the woman is a terrible person, but yet your thirst, ignorance, and her manipulation prevented you from seeing it / believing it.

This is what is happening to so many men these days. Many, many of these women are terrible people who suffer from just being evil or cognitive dissonance. And so many times, men become addicted to her.

How fitting is that the black widow spider (one of the most poisonous spiders here in north america) has an hourglass on her back. Isn’t it amazing how a redpill saying, is that she’s never yours, it’s just your turn) resonates so much with men based on their experiences with women.

When the male black widow spider mate with the females, they end up becoming prey and end up eaten by her. Think about it, he sacrifices his life just to have sex with her. She literally eats him alive….and she does it with no regrets or remorse. Yet the male, is biologically programmed to go on a suicide mission in order to impregnate her.

Many women these days take on the spirit of a black widow spider. It’s scary because it’s almost impossible to differentiate some from a good/decent woman.

Instead of a physical death though, men often suffer a sort of spiritual death. The heartbreak of being consumed by one of these creatures feels like a literal hell. Ask any man, who actually loved a woman how it feels to be betrayed.

Their poison comes in the form of the drug called love and has sent countless men to a spiritual/psychological/financial sometimes physical death.

A woman with this spirit is inviting, tempting, and for all case and purposes resembles something safe. But beware. She poisons you with love. The more time and energy you spend on her, the more she strokes your ego, the more dopamine you release because of her entangles you into her web. Children, Marriage, and Financial Obligation. The longer you stay in it, the more caught up you become.

And when she realizes you’re stuck, she makes the switch (she loses ‘respect’ and becomes bored), your entanglements will lead you to a spiritual/mental/psychological/financial death. She sustains herself on you. You’re a meal to her. She takes pleasure out of devouring you.

These types of terrible women have this black widow spirit in them. Their cognitive dissonance and / or ignorance of self makes them even more dangerous as it allows them to hide their nature so well.

The only people immune to this are other soulless egos who can use her for sex and or money. Your players, pimps, and hustlers if you will. Leave these black widows for the streets. Let the hourglass on her back remind you that you absolutely cannot stay for too long, lest the poison and web entice and entangle you. She’s never yours, it’s just your turn and you will either live or die by that fact.

Be careful, it’s almost impossible to tell a black widow from a regular chick these days. The come in all shapes, Looks, finances, race, classes, religions, etc.

I would say that her level of selfishness would be a start. But even then, you can never really know. Personally, I say fuck trying to figure it out. Just smash and dash. But perhaps I’m getting too old and cynical for all this bullshit.

Thot World

I remember that my first crush was when I was in the 1st grade. To me, this girl was beautiful. One day, her friend told me that she liked me back. I remember being embarassed and telling her, something like “no, I don’t want that nasty girl.” I grew out of that phase as I older.

Now, I’m thinking that I’m getting back to that. Women are still beautiful, but for some reason, I think I’m starting to feel disgusted by them. The idea that other men have lain up in her turns me off for some reason.

I had a conversation with co-worker about how I’m not feeling the WAP song and how I feel that it makes women look like whores when they start feeling it. I mean, the song starts with “there some hoes in this house”, and these women go crazy. I told her how i lose a certain level of respect or attraction for women who do this.

“It’s 2020 and women have the right to express themselves sexually.” She responded. “True, but what happened to being a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets.” I replied.

I don’t have a problem with women expressing themselves sexually. Actually I do. Well, I don’t, but I do. As an adult, I know that 90% of women aren’t pure angels. Pretty much all of them have had dicks in their mouths, had guys bust on their faces, engaged in one night stands, had unprotected sex with strangers, swallowed cum, been f*cked in the ass, had sex in cars, nightclubs or bars, been choked, had MWM threesomes, trains, etc….probably multiple times for many of these acts.

And while it’s their right to do whatever the hell they want to do….I find the idea that there is some dude(s) who can say they did this to a girl that I’m claiming disgusting. I literally feel nauseous to my stomach if I think about it too long….how much more if I am currently dealing with her. TBH, I think i’m going to stop eating pussy and kissing.

It’s pretty degrading, like putting my mouth on the crotch of a pair of used underwear. In my past/present life, for some reason, it gave/gives me pleasure to please her by any means.

But I’m starting to understand how when some dudes call a woman a “bitch” or any other derogatory term, they feel it from a certain place. It’s not in a sense of being “a disagreeable woman”. But from a place of feeling confused and angry, like one hand, she’s disgusting, yet I lust over her.

My major issue is that sex isn’t a sacred act. It means nothing, and in many cases, at least for me, i start to feel unnecessarily bonded to her over the fact…. especially if she’s the only one I’m dealing with at the time.

Despite CONCEDING the fact that, in her past, she’s probably engaged in all sorts of sexual depravity, I feel like I don’t want her doing sexual things with anyone else while I’m with her. ESPECIALLY if I claim her … i.e. public relationship, marriage, etc….. or as I’ve recently learned about myself, a long term fwb situation.

It’s not her fault per se. It’s mine. I really shouldn’t be kissing these broads and in special cases, eating them out. I actually enjoy it,so I think I’m pretty good at it. Perhaps that’s the beta in me.

So the conflict is that I enjoy engaging in an act that i find disgusting and degrading. I wouldn’t mind if she were mine forever, but given the modern woman’s tendency to get bored if she’s with you for long enough….her many options….and right/ability to lie, cheat, and or terminate the relationship at any time, I shouldn’t subject myself to such a personal and self inflicted wound….”Bitch”.

I now know you shouldn’t place a woman (or anyone for that matter on a pedestal). Outside of “game” strategy, this is a personal reason. These bitches are for everybody.

I regret getting married and creating a family with my wife. I mean, there is still some beauty in the fact that we provide a safe home and environment for our child. Certain family moments are amazing and at times it seems worth the effort.

But given her capricious nature. the fact that she had an affair before, and I can no longer trust her makes me look at her like one of these “bitches.” All it’s going to take is either her ex AP or some dude who she’s attracted to, has sufficient charisma, and the balls to talk to her ….and she’s back on the bullshit.

I feel that no matter what I do for her, no matter the sacrifices, our family…. (let’s also be real ME)…. is not important enough for her to keep her from doing whatever with whomever.

So I just cannot “love” her or any woman in that matter in the sense of how I used to. At least not voluntarily. I was taught the love is an action word. In other words, you don’t just say that you love someone, you show them…..usually through some sort of voluntary sacrifice or by putting them ahead of you sometimes. The type of Love i desire requires trust and I just don’t trust them.

I now realize that it doesn’t matter what you do, if a bitch lusts or are ” in love” with you, you don’t have to do much at all. TBH, in the end, it’s only temporary so it doesn’t mean much in the long run.

Plus, they take the idea that just because a nice guy does something nice for a woman doesn’t mean she owes him anything. Surface level, it makes sense, but in a deeper sense, it does imply that nothing he does, sacrifices he makes, bullshit he deals with obligates her to love, respect, or be real with him.

In fact, the more you do for her, the less she’s attracted to you. This is one case in life where doing the bare minimum will get you far. They’d rather hear you say how much you care for them and not actually show it, than the reverse. It is what it is, but it does require a level of emotional / intellectual dishonesty that I don’t know if I’m built for long term. I actually do start caring and end up having to pretend that I don’t give a fuck. I still have that “nice guy” thing going on. She doen’t owe it to me to be with me, but she does owe me respect and honesty. But I realize that’s too much to expect these days. “Oughts” count for nothing.

Due to the thirst, loneliness, and depravity of men, women can pretty much operate with impunity. It doesn’t matter how badly she treated/treats her current man. She’ll always have a sucker ready to wife/bed her.

And while I truly don’t give a fuck when it comes to my wife…..she really broke my heart and humiliated me, so I can’t even pretend to care or not. Like, I don’t even want to put up any effort at all. I don’t care enough outside of hoping she won’t humiliate me again. I don’t care if she finds me attractive or not. I don’t feel like she’s attracted enough anyway and even if she were, I will never allow myself to be put in position to trust her like that again. My new vulnerability is based on title and pride. Not love at this point, and the same way for any future relationship. The very idea of trusting or loving someone so deeply brings me a level of deep down discomfort where I get cannot even begin to entertain it. I’m not saying that others shouldn’t do it, but for me…..the conclusion is a resounding HELL NO.

Call me a pussy/bitter/toxic all u want, but I cannot go through that indescribable pain again. Knowing what women are capable of and having no real way of distinguishing the authentic from the fake.

So for me….Marriage is pointless.

Outside that though, How in the hell could I have gotten away with an affair for two going on 3 years and she never even questioned me. I’ve never even gone though any extraordinary lengths to hide it. She couldn’t really give a fuck about me….and it shows that we definitely aren’t connected like that.

Sure, my AP has hurt me in the past, but she’s a “bitch” too. But the difference is that I don’t claim her like that and I’m not under the illusion that I can truly trust her. I realize that the only reason, my pride could be hurt by her is because I kiss and have oral sex with her.

So, that said, truly, no fap has to be implemented. I have to get to the point where regular (PIV) sex …. no making love…. turns me on enough to make it worth it. And if it doesn’t then perhaps I shouldn’t be having it.

Perhaps I have to learn that the intimacy I love and crave will always come at a cost to my mental health, well-being, pride, and manhood. I love love and that’s a problem. I hate the attachment that “love” creates to these bitches. Making love is off the table because it don’t want to fall in love.

I’m tired of relationships/situationships/bullshit and everything with these women. I’d rather be single and deal with them on my own terms in my own time. From what I see, It’s so much better and easier to have several in rotation. None are worth it as none are really trustworthy. And i’m cool with that, but at least I’d have the option to move how I want to and walk away if she starts acting out of pocket. Ironically, i believe it’s the only way to keep her in pocket….and if I’m wrong, then at least i won’t risk falling too hard for someone who changes her mind about me later.

Chasing is cool, as long as it’s not coming from a place of sincerity. I’d just rather be single. As an introvert, I don’t have the energy to want to be around some judgemental, untrustworthy, unfaithul, illogical, broad all day. Who has no problem with subjecting me to more humiliation by cheating or dealing with other men, then lying about it.

Again, do you. I’m not judging you. But it’s a problem when I’m stuck in a situation where I cannot walk away once her true nature begins to shine through.