The Dark Game of Love

They say that all is fair in love and war. When winning comes at any cost, nothing is off the table. There are few rules. No morals. No ethics. Only objectives. In fact, morality it seems is a hindrance to winning. Ethics are for the weak who can’t see life what what it is. It’s a control mechanism that those in power use to manipulate the masses as a whole.

To win, is to have their heart while at the same time not giving yours in return. You want them to fall in love with you. It is to be in a position where you can walk away quite easily while they are stuck on you. You can easily replace them. They mean little to you as a person, but they are more of a tool to show how desirable you are, prevent lonliness, get validation, and sex. It’s simply an ego boost.

To achieve this, it seems that you must use trickery and deceit. That is, if you truly want them to love you. You must say and do whatever necessary to make them believe in the soul mate myth. You must be that person who validates them and make them feel worthy.

You build a pedestal beneath them……carefully as not to seem too desperate. You must make them feel loved while at the same time keep enough distance to make them think that they won you over with their ‘positive attributes’. You “get them”. You are star crossed lovers.

People are susceptible to gifts and compliments. Well timed jokes help. Feigning vulnerability at opportune times help seal the deal. Listening to them, not trying to help, but allowing them to talk, vent as you listen gets them to open up.

Never judge. Never try to fix. Only listen. Ask thoughtful questions. Be a therapist of sorts. But never judge. Judging is only for people who believe in soulmates. The goal isn’t to fall in love or be in love. It is for them to be in love, while thinking (or at least hoping) that you are.

You see, it’s better to be loved than it is to love. Selfish I know, but you cannot love a woman for real and expect her to stay in love with you. She isn’t your friend. She is your lover first. In order to keep yourself from getting too caught up, you must cheat….unless you’re naturally some sort of psychopath. It also helps you maintain an air of mystery.

You have to really be willing to walk away. And it’s a game of being able to have the next person and the next person and as many persons a possible to be in love with you at the same time. Keep this in secret though. They must wonder about your loyalty to them. It’s ok assure them with your words though your actions SUBTLY speak otherwise.

The fear of losing you creates a sort of desperation on their end. It’s like a cat playing with a string or ball of yarn. Once it has the string or yarn figured out, it gets bored and moves on to the next shiny object.

They can sense discrepancy. They have to sense it…..otherwise, they get bored. But Often times, if they are too deep, they can’t walk away. It’s as if the pain bonds them closer to you. The curiosity keeps them engaged. As they try to regain that “admiration” you had for them. Or resolve that conflict of what they think they believe and what you tell them.

Lying also keeps their mind on you. It makes them question their own sanity. It makes them think about you more often as they worry if you’re telling the truth. Are they really insecure. You wouldn’t cheat….Would you? Don’t tell stupid lies. Avoid them as much as possible, but also, don’t lie so well that they never figure it out. Everything is strategic. It’s to keep them second guessing themselves.

Keep them off balanced. Be hot and cold. Give gifts. Don’t answer calls all the time. Show desire, but not desperation. It’s a balancing act of keeping them on the line. Never too much and not too little. Well timed lies mixed with words of encouragement. Innuendoes. Much progress can be made after a great sex session. It’s not about sex. It’s not about desiring them as a person. It’s only about making them fall in love with you.

Remember that it’s better to be loved than to love. Only simps fall in love with anyone. You lose your power. They cannot respect you if you love them back with your heart. You say it, you sound convincing. You play the role as necessary. But you never mean it.

You enhance the effects by creating drama. They get bound by trauma. Break ups and make ups. They desperately try to figure out “how do you think that.” or “Why did you do that?” They may question your intelligence at times. You do just enough to push them off, but not away. You string them along. At least until you’re done with them.

It’s a dirty game. It’s not for the faint of heart. Only suckers love. It’s only about validation. People with “good intentions” get eaten alive out here. The sheep get devoured by the wolves.

The secret to love is to never fall in love. It doesn’t exist. It’s just a chemical addiction that…. if played skillfully enough…..you can voluntarily induce into others while avoiding the same. You’re a drug dealer who doesn’t use his own product. You want to create infatuation in them while avoiding it yourself. Do what you will with it. But playing the game sloppy is an indication that you’re losing the edge.

Being “in love” is involuntary. Loving someone is. Otherwise it’s simply infatuation. But if you can induce the feeling in yourself strategically, on occasion, you can use mirror neurons to your advantage. Don’t overindulge. These are powerful chemicals. Just remember that it’s just a game and do what’s necessary to prevent yourself from getting addicted.

We all play this game on some level. Many just get caught up in the role and play it with our ego. Remember that. You lose the game if you fall harder. It’s just a game. Not real. It’s a myth like Santa, the gods, and most heroes of the past.

There is no love. Only attraction and honeymoon phase energy. Lust and seduction. Attraction is more powerful than love to most people these days. It’s why money and looks is greater than character.

It’s a dark, dirty game. Those willing to do whatever to win are the victors and those who don’t know will always lose.

Narcs have an advantage as this comes naturally to them. They’ve had YEARS of practice. Empaths must overcome their nature to love. BUT Empaths, should we choose to embark on this journey have the capacity to play it much better as we intuitively KNOW how to induce love on a deeper level.

We have to start leveraging our strengths. Overcome our pride. And learn to shut out that sense of morality. Not an easy task……I’d say as difficult as it is for a Narc to stop being so damned selfish.

Either we play the game or get played in it. They’d probably do it to you as most people believe in their own personal happiness by any means anyway. You mean nothing to them other than a sense of validation or security. Remove that and they’re cheating with the next person who can provide that for them. REgardless of your intentions. Regardless of you “proving” your love to them. Regardless of whether or not you truly love them back. A woman would rather be a player’s whore than a good man’s wife. Or better yet, she’d rather be both. Which side of the fence do you want to be on?

We live in a sick, fucked up world. The faster we acknowledge this….the better off we are. Don the cloak of the unassuming sheep to get their guard down. Douchey, I know. But in the end, the douche always gets the girl. The person who cares the least has the most power. This isn’t some disney fairy tale. A woman cannot respect a man who doesn’t have this power over her. She loses attraction once she KNOWS she got u like that. Only simps love a woman with their hearts. He is bound to get broken by her.

You must lose that idea of a soulmate. They don’t exist for men. And is only an illusion. But most women prefer fantasy over reality. Never invest more (money, time, resources) in a woman than you’re willing to lose. This is a game and you will win some and lose some. But the key is to not get so caught up as to make it your identity. Love ain’t real. But….

All is fair in love and war.

I know

I know that she’s no good for me. I know that she lied, cheated, betrayed, and pretty much showed me that she doesn’t respect me. I know that she checked out the marriage and basically abandoned me to figure it out. I know that she doesn’t want to be here. I witnessed her see me in so much pain (that she inflicted) and continue to act as if she did NOTHING wrong. As if I somehow deserved this. As if her temporary pleasure was worth destroying me, my spririt, my mental health, and my family.

Not to mention the tons of personal reasons which tell me that she isn’t right for me. As the bible says, “love covers a multitude of sins.” Now that the love is gone, all of these ugly sins sit there uncovered. I can now clearly see the red flags which indicate that I was indeed settling myself.

I don’t want her back. I like who likes me. I don’t want to keep her anyway. I know that I don’t deserve this. And besides that, we still aren’t good for each other. Her heart is corrupted, her mind gone, and body tainted.

This thing is broken and can’t be fixed. I can’t nor do I want to fix it. I just want to be over it.

I Fear

I fear that she might win. That she hurt me so bad and just gets away scott free. That perhaps karma won’t catch up or God won’t punish her for being so wicked to me. That she might actually find “happiness” at the cost of me and our son’s family and relationship.

How could she be so wicked and just “win”? What did I do so bad to deserve so much pain, humiliation, and disrespect. Especially if I didn’t do anything but try to do right by her. How would it be that she deserves “happiness” when she willfully and knowingly did this. To me, to our family, to our kid. It just doesn’t sit right. Where is the justice? How can someone who thinks this is ok. Or not so bad just get off scott free.

I know that I should only be worried about me. But how can I just “let it go.” I know it would be better off for me in the long run. My anger only burns me. My pain is my burden alone to bear. She has shown that she gives 0 fucks about it.

Worry about things that I have no control over has placed me into this emotional/psychological/mental hell. And perhaps the only way out is to let it all go.

Perhaps Mike Tyson said it best….”men aren’t meant to be humble…..we are meant to be humbled.” If true, this is indeed a tough process. It hurts, but I can’t let it break me.

But How do I just let it go? Perhaps this stems from a fear of not being “good enough.” I never had to be perfect. Just “good enough.” And though she has shown that she wasn’t “good enough” for me. I have to somehow make that resonate with my spirit to say that a woman who was “good enough” couldn’t have done this to her family. At least not without trying to fix it first. She didn’t just leave me, she left our family and as far as I can see, has 0 remorse about it.

I fucked up and I gotta forgive myself. I truly acted out of ignorance. I tried to love, but got burned badly as a result. I guess it’s a risk that we all take when playing that game. I was humbled in my humiliation.

I survived!!! Though this isn’t over, I’ve faced the hottest part of this hell. I’ve weeped and gnashed my teeth. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve yelled. I lost the weight from being unable to eat. I no longer have the sleepless nights.

Now I just gotta keep it moving. Keep marching.

Underestimated How Terrible She Is

I’ve handled the end of this marriage pretty pathetically. She finally moved out….or at least went to New York for a while. I know that she went under the guise of seeing about a family member who passed, but in reality I know it wasn’t about that.

Given our history and things she’s done in the past, it’ really all on me at this point. I pretty much deserve everything she does to me now. I know that she’s a terrible wife. There is no doubt about it whatsoever. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it though and when I think that she can’t sink any lower, she does. No point in complaining though. Nothing should surprise me at this point. She really is a terrible person. Like one of those terrible wives you see in the movies or read about online. I don’t know why, despite everything she’s done, it still comes as some sort of shock or revelation. Perhaps it’s the way she seems to be oblivious to her own behavior. Perhaps I wanted too much in thinking that she’ll see the error of her ways and stop being terrible.

I am glad that she’s gone and hopefully she won’t come back any time soon. I’m hoping that this separation will help me finally recover and heal. I had insomnia last night. Not sure what was up with that. I don’t really feel mad or bad. Just not good either.

The last time she left, I really felt myself getting better and better as kiddo and I started getting a routine down. She came back and things got worse, for me anyway. I need to move on and out of this situation. It’s hard to do with her here, but she bought a 1 way flight there and hopefully she won’t be back for a while.

I should be happy. I’m not sure why I even need to heal or the reason why I’m feeling a bit down. I know it could never work out at this point. There is too much water under the bridge and she burned it down. I can never trust her again. I’ve given her way too many chances. I’m fighting to forgive her so that we can be amicable as to coparent successfully. I don’t want to win her back.

I’d be winning a cheater, betrayer, and if I’m honest, we’re just not good for each other. Not as husband and wife. I just need to be over it. I am over it. I’m not sure why this is still so hard because I don’t love her like that. She hasn’t been a real wife in the last 5 years or so. I need to take this time to continue to heal and focus on me, kiddo, and how imma pay all these damned bills. Yeah, it’s unfair to kiddo. But still, I cannot change her.

This has really made me rethink marriage. The literature and research suggests that marriage and relationships are dead in 2020. Hope and anecdotal evidence suggests that maybe things aren’t as bad as redpill and MGTOW communities suggest. But i don’t necessarily want to close myself off to the possibilities either. Are most women really that bad? Or am I just angry and bitter about what happened to me. Either way, I won’t close myself off to potential opportunites, but I’ll be hyper vigilant of red flags for sure.

Why men cannot forgive infidelity

Many times, husbands give their wives passes after infidelity. The reasons may be financial (it’s cheaper to keep her), the kids, or simply because he still loves her.

Despite that, perhaps a cheat on a drunken girls night might be fixable. An affair isn’t.

The ego of men makes this almost impossible to overcome. Especially if the other guy knows about you. It’s best upon the discovery of an affair to let it go. Things will never be the same. No matter how much you invested or love her at the time, it’s best to walk away with your dignity and let it go.

Here are the hard truths:

She doesn’t care about you anymore. Your history, vows, friendship, memories, even family means less to her than the dick she’s on her knees for worshipping now. His ego grows at the thought of your shame. He takes more pleasure from the sex than usual knowing that he cucked you.

That he did things to her that only you were supposed to do. His sexual pleasure comes at the expense of your dignity. And each time he fucks her or looks down and watches her lips on his dick, knowing she will come home and kiss you and your children pleases him. And she knows it. This is why she will do the most depraved things sexually for him. Things she never would do for you. It turns her on. And she loses more respect for you. This is why she starts to treat you with more and more contempt. Simultaneously gaining more admiration for him. It’s a sick sexual energy thing and you become the loser in her eyes. IT’s over. Let her go. She’ll never be the same and you’ll never see her the same again.

She will never tell you everything she did. How she let him fuck her in the ass in the church parking lot. How she told her to cum in her when she sneaked off to the hotel with him on that business trip. How she swallowed his jizz on your anniversary. How she sucked him off in the bathroom at the park. She won’t tell you all the nasty details and at best will trickle truth you or outright lie.

Because if you knew, she knows it would crush and destroy you. It would destroy any chance to get back with you as she’s using you and your “undying love” as a safety net. She was literally on her knees worshipping the cock of your enemy. They guy who was willing to destroy your family. The guy who broke man code of messing with someones family and didn’t give a shit about how your kids would feel about losing their family. The guy who may have shaken your hand and pretended to be your friend. They guy who got off even more by the fact he was able to dominate your wife.

Then think of all the intimate details, secrets, dates and adventures they went on. How it was them against you and the world. How she came so hard with him. How she was thinking of him whenever you made love to her.

She will never admit these things to you. How could she? In order to save face, she wouldn’t admit them to herself. Even though she knows that these did indeed make the sex feel even better with him. But deep down, she knows it. She didn’t make a mistake. She fucked up. She betrayed you on every level: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

She loved the fact that she was his slut while you loved her as your queen. She thought of you as pitiful. Your acts of love and trust were seen as simple and naive. Pathetic even. She was ashamed of you. You’re not the man she ‘thought you were’. How else could she do this do you. She reasons.

You’re no longer the hero of the family. Your children may love you, but she reasons that you’re a weak fool. She’s a “bad bitch” and deserves better. This guy gets her. He’s a winner in her eyes. Your value drops (unfairly for sure) but in her eyes you’re a fucking loser who’s wife just fucked and sucked a “stud”…. you stupid, weak fool.

Let it go man. Her mind is warped and twisted. Her thoughts and actions have led your relationship off a cliff. She was like a drunk driver out of her mind, but the consequences has led to the death of your dignity, further the death of your family. Maybe she’ll be sorry some day. But most likely never if you stay with her. Even then, chances are slim as these types of people rarely if ever own up to the full consequences of their actions. In other words, she’ll never own up to nor understand how emasculating it is as a man to have to deal with this.

They can never accept the idea or fact that once you cross certain lines, you will begin to devalue your spouse. She knew that every step of the way towards falling in love with him, that she was wrong for it. She knew that her lies and gaslighting were deal breakers. She knew that things would never be the same again. In order to justify her actions, she had to devalue you as a husband, man, and human being. Your family, your love, and everything you built helped contribute to the excitement and lust of the sex. And don’t get it twisted….affair sex is reported to be the THE BEST sex due to the wicked nature and secrecy of it. Do you think that sex could ever be as hot or lusty as sex with an affair partner. Even if you are more skilled, sex especially with women is psychological and the truth is that you could never take her on that type of high.

Also remember that if you discover it while in the middle of the affair, she is not your friend and she will lie, gaslight, manipulate, fake cry, blameshift…..everything to satisfy her desire for her new god. She is Judas Iscariot. Benedict Arnold. The embodiment of Lucifer, the fallen star. No amount of reasoning, logic, appeals to morality, reminder of her vows, appeal to family will convince her to turn around. YOUR WIFE is dead to you now. She is no longer the woman you married (or thought you married).

She doesn’t respect you anymore. How could she. Perhaps there is a certain level of love that she has for you for being there for the kids or something, but her level of romantic love and adoration cannot be the same. How can she respect you even if she says she does. Maybe she does in a round about way love you but….

Not enough to stop. They may lie and say it’s over. But 8 out of 10 times. They go underground and hide it. Trust when broken to this degree cannot be fixed. Just accept it. Research on false reconciliations. That shit happens most of the time in the case of affairs. I still maintain that you couldn’t cheat on someone that you love as:

1)you wouldn’t want to break the trust in your relationship.

2)you wouldn’t be able to stand to hurt them in that way.

Once the respect is gone, there is no coming back for it. She may bide her time until the next crush or loser she’s attracted to is willing to cheat with her comes along. She has more respect for him and you’ll once again be placed in the category of the man who allowed a woman to do that to him. She will desire that high that you cannot give her.

You can never take her back. Just cut your losses and move on.

Don’t take it personally though. If the shoe was on the other foot. Say you were the douchebag who fucked married women and he was her poor schmuck of a husband who adored her, you could take her there too. It says nothing about your prowess as a man or husband. It’s just the wicked nature of how that shit works. Unfortunately, most cannot recognize that it is what it is. An usually high does of oxytocin and dopamine she got becuase of the illicit nature of the relationship. she’s a “love” junkie at that point. No more reliable than a heroin addict.

A woman follows her heart. She’s been trained to. The bible says that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things. What do you think happens when a person decides to follow it? Death and destruction. Betrayal and apathy. Lies and deception. And she has to justify it all in order to make herself look like the victim or the misunderstood heroine of the story. She is given over to a reprobate mind. It’s best to let her go because once she crosses that line…..she’s never the same.

How to get through Heartbreak Hell

Betrayal and broken heartedness is sure to place you in a psychological hell the likes of which Satan himself might take pause to enter. It seems that most cheaters and liars have no clue what they put us through. Their cowardice, disloyalty, and disregard for us in our most vulnerable space really shows their lack of character and proves that they are unworthy to occupy that space anymore. Perhaps they never belonged there in the first place. Embrace this fact. It is truth.

Bottom line is, you were not perfect, but neither were they. You did not deserve this PERIOD. They betrayed you. These people are worse than snitches, snakes, and rats. It is one of the worst things you can do to someone. Up there with molest, rape, or violate. Think of the psychological damage, degree of suffering, and damage it causes you and possibly your family/children. THIS IS NO TRIVIAL thing as society likes to paint it often times.

But it does happen and it tempers us. Often times, we must keep marching one foot in front of the other despite suffering this brutal injury. In a way, this pain makes us stronger. It’s like working out hard or running long distance. It’s a battle of emotional attrition. It’s unlike anything we’ve ever experienced. But we keep fighting for our hearts, our souls, sanity….our lives.

Perhaps love or should I say broken hearts make us better. I mean all of that pain has to be useful. It almost breaks us. It destroys everything we thought we knew.

It’s a fight where the opponent attacks, intends to destroy, and takes no mercy on us. We were not prepared. They detonated a bomb in a safe zone. We had no defense. Many times, they were our defense. It’s like an autoimmunity response and we must fight for the life of our spirit. This is spiritual warfare.

We get our asses handed to us. And we are often powerless to do anything to stop it in the process. We can’t win this battle. At most, we can only hope to survive. As each blow absolutely devastates and rocks us to our core. It is an INTENSE emotional hell unlike anything many of us have experienced. But we must keep fighting through the pain. Which turns to anger or sadness then back into to pain. Sometimes self loathing. It can either make us bitter or better. Usually a bit of both. It is hell. Weeping and gnashing of teeth in tow.

And the road to recovery is steep and rocky at best.

So to anyone facing this, keep your head up. Just put one foot in front of the other and you keep marching forward. It hurts, it sucks. You may stumble, you may fall. But keep getting up.

You are fighting your way out of HELL.

Make no mistake about it. I won’t sugarcoat it. It’s not fair. The remainder of your fight won’t be fair. Your opponent does follow the rules that you’re bound to. They say that all is fair in love and war. This is war. They started a civil war between your mind and heart. Your brain and body. They aren’t even there anymore.

They are over powered using weapons of destruction while you have one hand bound and have been blindsided with a sucker punch with no time to recover.

Try to take a deep breath. This is going to hurt….bad. For a long time. But you can survive. Just keep breathing and getting back up. The pain and anger will be there once you get out of your self loathing. May as well make them your friends. Resistance is futile, let them become your friends. Feel it, observe the pain as it courses through your mind and body. Allow it to harden you into a colder version of yourself. You will be cooked from the inside out.

The secret:

Be mindful of it. That is it…. acknowledge it. Embrace it.

I’ve learned that the pain comes in waves. That’s to say that it’s always there, but there are times where it gets more intense. In those moments simply breathe and observe it.

Notice: How does it feel? Where do you feel it in your body? How strong is it on a 1 to 10 scale? Don’t run from it. Run towards it. Feel it. Intensify it mentally and consciously!!! Lean into it. Running away just makes it stronger. Facing it head on sucks too, but the waves seem to last for a shorter period if you simply acknowledge it and give it life.

Make this a meditation. Observe your pain, stop thinking about it/playing movies/mentally articulating it. JUST FEEL IT!!! Don’t think. Just Breathe and FEEL. Focus on breathing and feeling.

I’ve noticed that after particularly intense sessions, sometimes there are moments of a peculiar peace and clarity. It’s really hard to explain. Like the calm in the eye of a storm or something. Almost like a high or a moment of acceptance. It’s fleeting and hard to explain, but you’ll know it when you feel it. It’s like a moment of enlightenment.

The pain will return, and gradually intensify again. It always sucks, but remember to try and feel it. This pain will cause your thoughts to go off the rails and intensify the pain. Remember to occasionally shut down the thinking in your brain. Just feel don’t think. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to avoid the pain. Your goal is just to acknowledge, observe, and feel it.

Be mindful of the pain. Don’t think about it. Being mindful is acknowledging, accepting, and feeling once you consciously become aware that you’re feeling the intensity of the pain. Again, try to intensify it in these moments if you can. Imagine that it is getting worse. As if you’re purposely submitting to it.

While i wish i could tell you that this will keep it from sucking, it won’t. But it did help me take the edge off a bit. It also seemed to decrease the time it took for the intensity to drop from a 11 to a 6 (on a 1 to 10 scale). I also looked forward to those moments of transcendent peace and clarity. I shit you not. It goes from being a level 6 pain on a good day to a 0 for a few minutes. It’s so weird.

Finally, one more piece of advice. Hope to fix the relationship will hinder your progress. You must accept that It’s over. Even if you manage to repair the relationship. It is irretreivably broken. In MOST CASES….this most likely mean in your case as well. They don’t care for how much they hurt you. At best most simply feel guilt and not remorse. And as the adage goes, once a cheater….always a cheater. The have not internalized the pain and can have no true appreciation for what it cost you. Therefore they are subject to do it again.

Keep marching forward, despite the pain and never look back. Think of it as if you’d turn into a pillar of salt if you do. It’s stuck and cannot move forward. Remember, you are climbing out of hell. DO NOT LOOK DOWN. Forgiveness can come once you’ve escaped hell, traveled through purgatory, and make it back to earth.

Keep marching and if you stumble, no worries, there is rarely a straight forward path. KEEP MARCHING and DON’T LOOK BACK!!!

Eventually, time will see you through. The intensity, duration, and frequency of the attacks will lessen. You’ll begin to notice that you don’t think about it as much. Try not to stalk their social media at this point. It took me about 3 years to get to full acceptance. Every step of the way, I was thinking that this was going to be the last day. It wasn’t. Writing in the blog has been therapeutic for me. Talking to strangers and a few close friends also helped. Eventually though, your friends will have heard enough. Plus you get to a point where you don’t want to drag them down. I also spoke to a therapist.

Separation would have been great for me. I’ve been dragging my feet on divorce out of financial reasons and being unable to cope with the fact that I didn’t want to tell the kid. But that really held back my healing as I still have to see her almost every day. I still get triggered when I hear her phone notifications go off as I know that she’s still out there cheating. I can say that it has been without a doubt the hardest/darkest time in my life.

I look forward to the day when I can truly look back on this dark time and be glad that it’s over. I don’t think I’ll ever get married….or even into a real relationship again. If i do, best believe that she’s going to be worth the risk.

She’s Still Here

I understand that people cheat for all sorts of reasons. I dunno, maybe I’ve been going through this shit for too long. I’m starting to feel like this is a normal thing. Between all of the reddit posts, youtube videos, anectdotal stories, and websites dedicated towards people telling their stories of infidelity. It seems like everyone is doing it. Logically, I know that people who don’t worry about it don’t post about it, but i have no idea how many people are actually in committed relationships.

From a man’s perspective, I have no respect for men who sleep with other men’s wives. Especially when they know that there are kids involved. It seems like the height of selfishness to go in and break up a man’s home (family in tow) just for nsa sex. Of course the cheating spouse is to blame as well…..but the arguments I hear such “i didn’t commit to you” or “how is it my problem” or “someone else would have done it” or any other stupid thing just makes my blood boil. Being ‘unhappy’ is no excuse either because even if they are, relationships go through things and cheating definitely won’t help fix any anything.

These excuses discount the fact that the betrayed spouse is still a person or human being worthy of dignity or respect….even if you don’t know them like that. They may not be perfect, but who is? Are you going to be there to help the children get over their broken hearts? Can you really trust what that person is saying to you…. I mean he/she is a cheater after all. Would you want someone doing to you what you’re doing to someone else? Would you get mad if someone robbed your home or assualted a loved one? I mean, it probably wasn’t personal….but by engaging in damaging acts, you made it so.

People ain’t shit. I’m losing hoping in humanity as far as sex and relationships go. I don’t know why i still have this place in my heart for a faithful woman, despite knowing that overwhelming odds is that either she is cheating or will cheat in the future. It makes me just want to be like everyone else and “do me” before it gets done to me … again.

It would be just my luck that I find someone who isn’t on that kick and ruin that relationship. I fear love. I want it, but I know that it has the potential to kick the shit out of me….. There is no punishment for adultery these days. There is usually no karma (i hope I’m wrong about this). And people who do this shit seem to get away with it scott free.

I asked my wife what her family thought about all this. She says that they say that if she’s unhappy, then she should just divorce and not cheat. But they have her back either way. What in the family fuck is that. So what in the hell is the purpose of marriage again? Happiness?

So am I justified for leaving my family…..going back on my vows….leaving my responsibility simply because I’m unhappy. Abuse, repeated infidelity, or extreme circumstances aside. Unhappiness, in her case sounds like ‘boredom’. Would I be justified in cheating and breaking my home because I like being single….or simply because I want a new partner (simply because I got tired of the old one). What am I teaching our kids? It’s ok to simply quit something because you’re not happy about having to do it? That it’s ok to absolve your responsibilities because you feel entitled to more? That boredom is excuse enough to destroy your own family when you get older. WTF man?

Apparently, increasingly, A LOT of people feel this way and to me, that makes marriage a worthless endeavor. So, I can simply split over some general sense of unhappiness. I can have affairs, girlfriends, ladyfriends, and cheat at will and being unhappy is good enough an excuse. When one of these “friends” work out, then it’s ok for me simply break my family home and move on with them with no regard to our children or how it impacts their lives and homes.

No….at best we could have been babymama/baby daddy.

I really can’t believe that my stbxw believes that shit. I guess she does, I mean people can change, but that much? I mean how could I have missed all the red flags that had to have been there. How can she sleep at night, knowing that she’s so wrong for this….do nothing, except continue down the path of destruction….and just act like she’s done nothing wrong. How could she hurt someone so bad and not feel any bit of remorse? How does she really expect forgiveness, friendship, or anything less that contempt after completely burning this bridge.

How can she be OK with willfully destroying our family. How can it mean less than nothing to her? It’s insulting to think that I have to live with someone who’s lack of care for something so important to me and our son gets to do whatever she wants, get a free pass, and not even acknowledge how fucked up it all is. I can’t stand her or people like her. How could her family or friends even trust her around their men. If she’d do it her own husband and family (with no regrets), who’s to say she wouldn’t hesitate to hook up with their men if the opportunity presented itself.

Perhaps they are all hoes too? Perhaps none of those hoes are loyal. I know that I need out. She keeps promising that she’ll leave as soon as she gets the travel position. I can’t wait.

Walkaway Wife Regrets?

       Of the many things that really bother me about my wife’s change in behavior is her lack of compassion in this entire ordeal.   I’ve never had to deal with someone who showed me so much blatant and unjustified disrespect.   On the outside, she seems pretty normal.   Almost naïve in certain ways.   I do feel that I’m the more intellectual and empathetic of the two of us.   But those superficial differences still don’t account for a total lack of empathy.

It seems that she really just doesn’t get me in a fundamental way. And that lack seems to be contradictory to her response to the ‘wrongs’ that others do. Like how could she be so offended with the b.s. of the current president, agree with her friends on how badly their s/o’s treat them, watch movies where the antagonist antagonize the protagonist and “hate the bad guy”, and generally seem to be normal as far as knowing “right” from wrong”….

And yet feel that it’s ok to offend, hurt, and disrespect me. How can she sleep so well at night knowing that her behavior is the driving force behind the destruction of our home…..knowing full well she hasn’t done anything to fix it, but on the contrary, did everything to break it. How could she simply be ok with being “that” person.

When confronted with such questions, she simply stands there and if she tries to justify her herself, she simply says she’s “unhappy”. She still has no problem with lying to my face and playing like she’s innocent. As in when i confronted her by telling her knew she spent part of last trip in NY with another guy.

The internal inconsistency bothers me. I know I’m wasting my time by explaining these things to her over and over again. The bible verses I give her to back up what I’m saying seem to fall upon deaf ears….yet she claims to be a christian. The videos and articles I send her are unwatched and unread by her. She’ll nod in agreement with my assesments, won’t defend herself….and yet she continues down the same path.

Like what is wrong with her? Am I giving her too much credit.

As I’ve told her over and over again, it’s not about me winning or making the most compelling argument. It’s like when you care about someone, you try to convince them that they are fucking up. We’re all subject to fucking up, so if I ask for examples of why you think I’m wrong then tell me. It’s why I give her examples. This isn’t just me just pulling emotions out of my ass and passing them off as facts. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I show you your internal inconsistencies, it’s not about me saying “ha ha gotcha bitch”. It’s for you to self reflect and either justify/defend your behavior. I might actually be wrong. Or maybe you could be wrong. If you can’t justify it, then there is a high likelyhood that you’re either wrong or haven’t thought your position out fully.

Noone is perfect, but knowing that you’re doing terrible things, and staying the course with no justification makes you a terrible person. I mean how could we ever grow together if we are unable to learn from each other. If you cannot / refuse to tell me where I’m blind at, then how can we make each other better. If you refuse to acknowledge your mistakes, then how can you get better. If there is no trust, no communication, and no attempts to do better, then this relationship is a huge waste of time. Perhaps we have “outgrown” each other. Maybe we are on “different pages.” Maybe we want different things out of life and she simply doesn’t want to attempt to reconcile our differences.

Though I believe that marriage and family does deserve some effort to try to fix it before breaking it, she obviously (another inconsistency in what she says over what she does) feels otherwise.

I can accept it. But what I cannot accept is her disrespecting me as a man and still living with me. I need time away from her to fully get over it. I don’t want to be friends with her. She says she wants us to amicable, yet she feels it’s ok to continue with her relationships with these other men. All the while knowing that men feel superior and uplifted knowing that they have “stolen” a married woman. While the man who lives there, puts up with her ish….paying all the bills, etc….feels emasculated.

I just feel that I deserve more respect and if she cannot provide it, I would rather she leave. She knows this and she also knows that being married, she doesn’t have to leave. She has me by the balls. She’s playing dirty and unfairly, simply because she’s unhappy. She doesn’t care about how it makes me look or feel. And yet she wants to remain friends and amicable?

WTF man!!!

I Am Blessed

Perhaps the universe is doing what it does and I just have to trust the process. I mean ultimately, the attachment to family in the scheme of things has very little significance outside of my tiny slice of conscious experience. When I die, all of these memories, experiences, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. will have very little (if any) impact on history.

Even if I were to accomplish something “great” by today’s standards, I won’t be remembered much beyond my son. And in two generations, I’ll probably be completely forgotten. I’m about as significant as piece of lint or a single hair.

So why should the universe consider me any more or less significant. There are countless stars, solar systems, and galaxies in a seemingly infinite sized universe. Time goes back and forward in a seemingly infinite line.

I’m no special snowflake. Though unique as any, who remembers any one specific in a snow storm. I’m as one drop of rain in a hurricane. I wouldn’t be missed, even if I didn’t show up. Yet I think that I’m the entire storm.

So why am I sweating the way that I’m being treated by my stbxw. My ancestors faced much, much worse conditions. There is someone out there dying of cancer. There are parents who’s children have it. There are people who don’t have a meal. People in history have been kidnapped and taken from their families. People who don’t now where their next meal is coming from.

In other words, my issue is small compared to what countless others before endured and countless others after me will have to face. I’m not the only man this has ever happened to and won’t be the last. Better men have gone through worse.

This is perhaps my ego. From this perspective, I should b grateful for all that I do currently have. The other important things. I have my health. Those I love the most are healthy. I have a good job. I am able to engage in my hobbies. I’m in great shape. I enjoy my hobbies and have the opportunity share them with my son. I have more video games than time to play them. I don’t feel less than a man. I am truly blessed in so many ways. I have family and friends who love and support me. I don’t have any real enemies set out to destroy me.

I’m not at war. My life isn’t in any imminent danger. I can take hot showers every night. I live in 21st century America. I can eat almost whatever I want, whenever I want. I have food in the fridge and can afford to go out and get more 24/7 if that isn’t enough.

Being a middle class citizen in the U.S. today means that my quality of life, for most of my life has been better than 98% of the population that ever lived before me. This includes, kings, queens, and royalty in recent history. I don’t live in a crime infested area. No real gang wars. I have an amazing son and great relationship him.

I have the internet in the palm of my hand. I am truly wealthy. Very wealthy in terms of quality of life. And instead of appreciating all that I do have. I’m focused on the one negative thing that, in the scheme of things, isn’t that significant. If she’s the type of woman who can do these things, then worrying about her behaviour/action isn’t really worth my peace.

I am smart, funny, handsome, wealthy, healthy, and am gaining more and more wisdom each day. I am truly blessed. And i should enjoy this moment. There is no guarantee that any of this will be here tomorrow. God/the Universe has given me so much, extended me so much grace, when I didn’t ask for it. It feels great to be able to breathe air without obstruction. I am not afflicted with any physical pain right now.

I am actually happy. So instead of focusing on the one negative thing when I have been blessed with so many positive. I should be grateful and focused on enjoying my life. It’s a great time to be alive for me.

I am truly blessed and going forward, I will enjoy the day because I have clue what tomorrow will bring.

Selfish Love

I was watching IDTV with my lover over the weekend and on it was a show about a guy who’s wife ended up taking on an affair partner. As in these sort of murder/mystery shows, there was all sorts of drama and bullshit.

Basically, you had a man, who was married, had a successful career, bought his family a nice home, allowed for his wife to be a stay at home mom, and from all accounts in the show was there for her and their 15 year old daughter.

The wife basically started seeing a new guy and fell in love with him. This asshole fell back in love and the wife started going back and forth between the husband and affair partner.

The husband in this story paid for marriage counseling and was willing to take the wife back. Things seemed to be turning around for a month or two, but she ended up reaching back out to the affair partner.

The wife, still torn between the husband and lover was going back and forth between the two, started lying to the counselor about the contact she had with the AP. They lived in a small town however and rumors got back to the husband that she started back seeing the AP.

Ultimately, his life falling apart around him, the husband decided to take the wife on a boating trip as a means of reconnecting. While out there, he asked her to tell him the truth about everything. He confronted her with evidence that she was still seeing the guy….and based on the show, she pretty much got upset with him and told him that she wanted out of the marriage and wanted the affair partner.

In the scene, the actors showed that the wife started acting like a bitch towards the husband and showed him no compassion.

The husband threw her overboard, but ultimately decided to rescue her. They returned to shore. Obviously upset that she almost died, she wanted to leave that night. Instead of going to her parents or a freind’s house, she went straight over to the affair partner’s house. Husband found out about it, went over with a gun and ended up killing the guy.

Sad story because the husband, who by all accounts by people in the town was a pretty good man. The affair partner (outside of being a fucking piece of shit) was said to also been a pretty good person. Now you have a dead asshole and the husband is locked away in prison for murder where he cannot be there for his daughter.

My lover was saying how the husband was crazy as hell. Which i can’t disagree. But it seemed that she felt more compassion for the wife. Of course, I felt more sorry for the husband.

It makes me wonder why in the hell do adulterers get so much forgiveness in society. She says that I’m just triggered because my wife cheated on me….and she may be right.

But it also gives me pause. I really hate cheaters and adulterers. I mean next to rapists, child molesters, snitches, home invaders, and crooked cops. These people are bottom of the barrel scum.

Noone ever feels sorry for child molesters nor rapists. Noone ever just tell the victims of those monsters to “just get over it.” Yet people who participate in the destruction of man (or woman’s) family get a pass? Noone cares about the psychological damage of the victims in this case. Noone gives a fuck about how the kids are affected by this.

I mean, if i’m crazy for thinking that family should be preserved by any means. Am I the crazy one for thinking that (outside of abuse, repeated infidelity, or extreme circumstances) that people shouldn’t have the right to abandon their spouse and family. Am I off the reservation for thinking that the pursuit of “happiness” or a new lover at the cost of your family unit is a wicked endeavor. I mean, am wrong for thinking that abandoning your family does indeed make you a terrible person.

We also disagreed on the fact that I also blamed the affair partner for knowingly interjecting himself into the situation. She says the the affair partner was a single man, so he didn’t owe the married guy anything. I disagreed and said that this man was a neighbor (member of the worldwide community) and that we all owe each other some level of respect as men and human beings. That family is off limits. That it is dishonorable and disgraceful to mess with a man’s family.

She then said, they’d still be a family, just not in the same home and that the wife shouldn’t have to stay somewhere she was unhappy.

I try to never compare her to my stbxw. But i told her that she was taking her side. “No I’m not”, she said. “Yeah. This is her mentality.” I dropped it as it was really pissing me off and I was really triggered by her response. Seeing that I was visibly upset, she jokingly suggested that immediately schedule another appointment with my therapist. ” Ha ha, almost funny, but the timing is off, so try again asshole.”

Man, am i really the stupid one though? Am i crazy? Am I missing something here. So are we suggesting that it’s ok to get married, have kids, have them depending on me….or us….then right in the middle of it, meet a new partner who knocks my socks off. Cheat on my wife, abandon my kids, move out, and expect that my old wife and kids should accept this new person.

I mean, if I really wanted, but couldn’t have this new person (because of my marriage), then wouldn’t that automatically necessitate that this would cause a great deal of “unhappiness” for me.

Am I the only person who sees a problem with this? I mean, this excuse just doesn’t fly for me. As men we’re taught to just suck it up and do the right thing by those who depend on us. It is noble, honorable, and expected to sacrifice for your families.

But women are somehow “empowered” if they step outside of societal expectations of them and pursue their happiness by any means necessary. No matter the collateral damage. I’ve heard some say that since many men have done in the past, it makes it ok for women to do it now.

Am i stupid for thinking that is a really stupid argument in support of the women who do this today? It was wrong for those men who did it then, just as it wrong for the women who do it today.

I get it, love is a choice, but when you don’t choose it, doesn’t it make you a pretty shitty person if it means that you get to hurt so many people by choosing yourself over it.

I hate this stupid notion that somehow the kids are better off if the parent is happy. Many times, the parents make themselves unhappy because they act like spoiled assed children by being unhappy that they can’t have their cake and eat it too.

Either way, I’m not convinced that my lover, my wife, nor the bitch on the show is right about this one. If most women these days think like this, I definitely won’t be getting married again. If most women do indeed think this way about family, how in the hell could I ever even consider trusting them in a relationship without kids. It would be selfish and stupid of me to bring kids into this knowing that this is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Unless the plan is to make her a baby mama because in my opinion it’s much worse to take a kid’s home away than it is to never have given them one in the first place. Plus I simply don’t believe that the primary purpose of marriage is happiness. Not that you should be miserable, but marriage is supposed to be a forever kind of thing. Your personal happiness doesn’t always come first in this instance.

This selfish mentality is a red flag (to me anyway). It is a sign of emotional immaturity, a lack of integrity and character, and the failure to have internalized the understanding of loyalty. In short, it shows that she is indeed for the streets.

She is the epitome of the red pill notion of “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” DO NOT GET ATTACHED….emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Just enjoy your turn and be ready for the bullshit once she finds someone else or gets bored.

Losing it

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my shit. I really hate it here and its just so hard to cope with my stbxw in the apartment with me.

I wish I could be away from her. Just never see her nor hear anything from or about her again.

I just hate looking at her. Speaking to her. Hearing her voice. I dont want to be near her. It sucks that we have to coparent for the next 7 years as I wish this was a person I could just leave in my past forever.

Each day seems to get worse and worse. And there she sits…..aware of the pain, humiliation, and disrespect she causes….knowing i am trapped with her….and despite knowing it, willing to continue doing it…..and acting as if I should just be amicable.

I’ve never been raped, so I cannot say how much that damages a person….but it does feel like I’m being fucked unwillingly….as the fucker sits there saying…..relax, its not my intention to hurt you, i’ll stop when im done…..just pretend that this isn’t happening. As she furiously pounds my asshole. Occasionally laughing and giggling while other times asking if I’m ok. As if I’m an object not worth any sort of dignity or respect.

Then after the whole ordeal is over, imagine having to deal with the asshole who did that to you…..and they pretty much got away with it Scott Free.

Yet society says, hey be nice. You have to coparent. I’m the asshole because…..”hey shit happens”….

It’s like the message is that you can do anything you want to people in the pursuit of your own personal happiness, regardless of how fuxked up it is, as long as there are not legal ramifications behind it…..and the person getting screwed just has to take it, stfu, and forgive.

Fuck her man. I hate that stupid fucking witch with everything within me.