Pointless Conversation

The wife has moved back in for now. She says that she’s waiting for them to process some paperwork in order for her to begin her travel assignment. Seems a bit odd that it’s taking so long given the pandemic and need for all hands on deck in her field. But hey, I don’t ask too many questions to her these days.

I really hate having her there and am tempted to kick her out. But she has contributed towards the rent for the last few months and so I guess she does have a right to be there. I don’t know if she’ll continue to pay once she moves out, but she did recompensate me for some of the months she wasn’t there. Maybe it’s fair that I allow here in.

We’re taking turns sleeping on the couch though she suggested that we both sleep in the same bed. Nah, I’d prefer not. We don’t talk much, but when we do (at her suggestion), I find myself doing all of the talking. Even if I shut up and let her talk, she says something so stupid that I have bite my tongue. Or she simply won’t say anything at all. She’ll just sit there and look like a deer in headlights, say “um, um” and say some obvsious shit like we need to do something. From me, there No small talk or anything, but it’s generally about how I’m angry, how fucked up I think she treated me, and so forth. Things she’s heard a million times. I tell her that she needs to decide where she wants to move and then perhaps we can talk about custody or something. It’s been on the table for a while now. I know that I can’t rely on her to figure it out, so once again, it’s on me to figure it out. Although it doesn’t help that she doesn’t listen any of my advice as far as her moving out and deciding from there. Despite this, she implies that perhaps WE should move and that a change may be necessary to get out of this rut. She also says she’s on the fence about moving to her hometown or staying here.

She isn’t apologetic as I’d like for her to be and a bit delusional. She wanted me to watch a youtube video where the guy wanted to leave some woman, but she (the woman) wanted to stay together. The woman’s reasoning was that she had invested A LOT into the relationship and that she was a good woman to him. The judge told the woman that you can’t make someone be with you who doesn’t want to be with you. My STBXW replayed the video in earshot of me and said that I should take a listen.

The nerve of this chick. She said that I was acting like that woman at one point. That I was trying to keep her somewhere she didn’t to be. I don’t remember being in that mind frame, though I did tell her a few times that I thought that she owed it to me, our son, and our family to have at least “tried” to work on things before she blindsided me with an affair.

I mean, I can’t lie, perhaps I did want to preserve things in the beginning, mostly for the sake of the family. I never saw it coming. We didn’t argue about much and from my perspective, had a pretty decent marraige. But a month or two in, and doing research, I started to realize that this was probably an exit affair. The worst kind in my opinion. She wanted to test the waters with the new guy and use us as a safety net.

This does explain the lack of any effort on her behalf to make up or apologize for cheating and gaslighting me. Still though, the way she treated me like complete and utter garbage for this guy has since made me reconsider her character. Obviously the trust is broken and she has made no real effort to repair it. While she has made no concrete mentions of reconciliation, I’m cool with that. I don’t want her back at all.

I don’t know what makes her think that we’re cool after all of that. I don’t want to be her friend. She has made no effort to apologize to me for hurting me as a friend. As I told her…..she didn’t owe it to me to stay married, but she did owe me respect as a friend, husband, kid’s father, and someone who was there for her to exit the relationship without being so evil about it.

Her only response was that she felt like I was trying to keep her somewhere she didn’t want to be. She said that she grew resentful because she felt I was trying to “trap” her. I mean hello, we were married and had a family, I mean how could she have expected me to just be cool with her breaking up the thing I loved so much without at least trying to talk her out of it in the beginning. However, in spite of that fact, I never once told her not to leave. I told her that she just couldn’t be there cheating on me and I wasn’t going for it. Though looking back, all of my protesting was in vain.

Things around the house are pretty much the same. She doesn’t clean, barely cooks (usually ordering takeout), won’t walk or feed the dog (hers btw). I mean come on, the excuse of working hard and resting on her day(s) off isn’t there anymore as she hasn’t worked since August. It’s up to me. After being at work for 10 hours, hitting the gym, going to boxing, and then coming home to clean up. I’m still washing and steaming kiddo’s clothes for the week and pretty much doing everything around there. On the weekend, I’m driving ride share and bringing in more money part time.

It isn’t like this is “wifely” duties. It’s just adulting 101. I know that I paint her in a horrible light, but most people don’t see this side of her. Most probably think that she’s ya know….normal. But I don’t really know her friends like that and I don’t really discuss her with the inlaws.

Reconciliation is slim to nil at this point as her character is lacking in a lot of fundamental ways. At least for me anyway. In a way, I guess she’s right. We are on different pages. Loyalty, cleanliness, and family values are important to me. I may not be as ‘ambitious’ as she’d like. I’ll take ownership of that. But I’m working on it. Not for her, but for me.

Meanwhile, I worry sometimes that her simply being there is hampering my healing process. It’s really not a good look for kiddo to see us occupy such a small space and not joke around or even talk to each other. I don’t want him to normalize this. I have to take responsibility as a man to do something. It seems that hiding her infidelity and desire to not be married from him isn’t helping long run. I didn’t want to ruin their relationship by telling him the truth, but maybe that’s a short sighted view. I just don’t know how to do it. I mean, I don’t want to stay with her either, but how can I explain to him in a kid appropriate way that we don’t want to be with each other.

I’ve done my dirt. I took the low road and took on a lover. Though that might be coming to an end any day now. At least I never had to lie about it as she has never asked in detail. I’ve admitted it in passing, but she never asks for detail which is another reason I know that STBXW doesn’t gaf about me.

She’s lost. She doesn’t know where she wants to live. She can’t convince me to move with her. She doesn’t want to live here. (Even though here is a great place job wise, growth wise, entertainment wise, affordability, safety wise, location wise, and diversity wise). Perhaps one of the best in the country from what I hear…especially to raise a kid.

I have to figure out how to pony up the money to get this divorce underway as to prevent things like her living there from happening. Deep down, subconsciously, there is a small part of me that hopes that the light will come on and she gets it…..that she is tearing down her own family. Time has shown me that if she hasn’t gotten it yet, then she probably won’t.

I don’t think she’s lost an ounce of sleep over this since she started her first affair. Intellectually I know that she ain’t gonna change. And even if I decided to try to reach out and try to build things back up, I don’t trust her enough to put my heart and emotions in it. I can’t be fake either. I have no desire to make her happy. Sex isn’t really a consideration. Not even just plain fucking. I don’t want to touch her. Though not quite disgusted, after having to contrast the amazing mind blowing sex with my lover and the paltry pity sex she gave me a few times since her affair, I’m not interested AT ALL.

It’s been so long since we made love, I wonder if it was really ever that good. I mean it went from being new to being with someone i really loved, so I can’t really say. Looking back, I guess it was ok. But still not quite like my lover. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that my lover and I had no expectations of each other, plus IDC what you say, drunk sex is the best. At least with us anyway. It’s cool how we can get fucked up, act a fool, and then just go at it. She mentioned this to me and I agree.

That’s neither here nor there, me and my lover have too many differences for a relationship, plus I’m not interested in marriage nor a relationship for that matter, so I understand why she is open to exploring her options. She’s amazing, but I just don’t feel that I’m the right man for her. But we can’t deny the sexual chemistry which makes it so hard to give it up sometimes.

Anyway, I gotta do something to get out. Perhaps her paperwork will come through. I do fear at times that if stbxw did come to her senses, and really tried reconciliation, I’d be too weak to resist. Not saying that it would be easy, nor that I’d take her back. Perhaps we could be ‘amicable’ some day. At one time I was open to possibly having casual sex with her one day, but given the way she hurt me and her unrepentant attitude, i can’t see it happening. It would be too weird. I really can’t imagine it without my stomach churning.

No trust, no sex, and no respect. Plus she hurt me bad…..nah man, this thing is over.

The Hoes are Corny

I don’t know what’s happening with me. But it’s like the more that I see these females out here twerking and “expressing their sexuality”, the cornier they look to me. It looks pathetic. It’s like seeing a 30 something year old man out here with sagging pants or talking on a “money phone.”

Niki Minaj, Meg the Stallion, Amber Rose, and Cardi B are all starting to look like clowns to me. I don’t care how fat the ass is or nice the tits are, they are starting to look rediculous to me. It’s not their looks so much as it is their actions. When I see these hen parties / girl trips with a bunch of 30 something year olds out here acting like late teen / early 20’s women, I just want to laugh (AT not not WITH them).

My stbxw’s behavior and corny ass jokes and desire to do these sexually charged tik tok challenges make me want to shake her and say, “bih you look stupid”. I know she/they are just having fun, but got damn, i dunno, it’s just corny to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad at sun dresses or clothing that accentuate or show a woman’s curves and features. That’s fine. But thot costumes and thirst trap apparel, along with with rachet behavior is just a complete turn off. Rediculous weaves, long fingernail claws, caked on makeup, and those hideous caterpillar eyebrows just make me want to ask what the hell is wrong with ya bih? It’s even worse when she’s completely out of shape. They look like a bunch of clowns. None of my male friends that I’ve asked say that they like it either, so it’s not just me. The makeup thing is unattractive because many of them look trannyish or it’s always the possibility that she looks completely different underneath it all. At least trans people have an excuse, so I understand that. Then again, I’m not interested in trans people sexually so I don’t have an issue with it for them. But a LOT of women just look worse with all of that make up on.

To be honest, a decent looking woman with little makeup, natural hair, and casual clothing are way more appealing to me. I’ve even had to tell my lover (she is my friend first) to tone it down a little if she’s trying to attract a quality guy into her life. If in doubt, be more conservative. She may attract fewer men trying to sleep with her that night, but it’s about attracting quality, not quantity. I don’t know why I try to put her onto game, but she is my friend and despite not wanting to lose her, I do want her to be happy. It would be such a waste if she got pregnant by some loser who simply gamed her into having sex and a child and abandoned them. I had a female friend once who this happened to (it’s sad really). I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her, but we would have probably made decent co-parents. I mean I want another kid too and if that was the case, at least she could have had a kid with someone who really does care about her well being and will be there for them. But i digress.

I’m not saying to be a church girl. But just be, ya know. Normal. Ya dig?

Bitter or Better

I have to stop having conversations about romance and love with people. I’m such a skeptic. While I do believe in real love (somewhat) in romantic sense, I’m more realistic about it. I don’t know if I could ever allow myself to love anyone to the depth that I loved my STBEW. It just hurts too damned bad if they cheat and betray you. Plus NOONE ever thinks that their spouse/best friend would do them like that. Being blindsided and cheated on by a wife has got to be easily in the top 3 most hurtful things that can happen to a man if he loves her.

Whoever said that “it’s better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all” must have been an incel or something. The only good thing about it is having the first hand knowledge of how indescribably painful it is so that you can know it. Then again, I don’t need to be a heroin addict to understand how fucked and hard getting clean is.

As a recovering man who once loved a woman with his heart, I’d wish that all men knew the risks involved with dealing with someone on that level. Sure, there are always risks, but I’m telling most men, you’d never think that it would hurt that bad.

I never thought that my wife would betray me, but even in my worst nightmare where she did, I never thought that it would hurt as nearly as bad. I felt gutted. Like something inside of me was being ripped apart. I felt pain. Like imagine a terrible toothache, but instead of being localized at the tooth, it was all over your body. You feel an intense pain, but it’s not coming from specific area in the body. It’s a surreal experience to have so much pain without a physical cause. I never felt anything like that before.

And there is NOTHING you can do to stop it. At least there is tylenol or advil with a toothache, but there is nothing but pure, unending, raw pain that you can’t can’t do anything to relieve. Hell is supposed to be a place of weeping and a gnashing of teeth. I’ve been there and have much better appreciation of that bible verse now. The pain comes in waves of intensity. Like for me, 8 out of 10 was pretty normal at first. It never went away, except for those few minutes in the morning when you first wake up. But sometimes it would drop to a 5 out of 10. The worst of it lasted for a good 8 months for me. I learned to just deal with it through prayer, meditation, being present. A trick I learned was to not fight the pain, but just lean into it so to speak, it still hurt, but took some of the edge off.

Then there is the emotional mood swings. Then there are the triggers, like songs you might hear on the radio, a movie, a random thought, a text notification ding….anything can set it into motion. I considered suicide at one point. Not because of wanting her back, but from just wanting the pain to stop.

They shouldn’t call it heart break. It’s really better described as heart sick.

Maybe this is abnormal. We were married for like 8 years before D day. I truly still loved her and loved our family. I’ve never been an overly emotional person though and usually do a pretty good job under stress or if things don’t go my way, but this kicked my ass badly.

I’ve never felt pain like that and the point is that I never thought it could possibly hurt THAT bad. I’d like to attribute that to loving her so much. But really though, loving someone or being that attached to anyone can’t be healthy. Especially if the fallout is that much pain. I mean I barely cry at funerals.

I was always afraid of doing hard drugs because I feared addiction and heard horror stories of withdrawal. But shit, this was way more intense that I expected. Never again.

Not for me. Though I am tempted in my mind to want to possibly find “the right one” for me. I’m afraid to give them my all. I can’t go through that again. It’s not something, I’d want to risk. People are shitty and you never know who the hell you’re giving your heart to. It’s my responsibility to look out for my mental health. That other person could give a shit about you if they lose attraction or interest in you.

Perhaps I have attachment issues. But either way, love aint for me. That shit hurts way entirely too much for me to handle. It’s like how some people can drink alcohol and be fine, while others get addicted and can’t touch the stuff. Perhaps I have the potential to get addicted to love and that’s the reason I need to avoid it at all costs.

I know myself. Some say that I’m just bitter. But i feel that I know myself better now. So in the end, I guess that counts for something.

Co-Parenting with the Enemy

The worst aspect about having to co-parent with a spouse who cheated on and betrayed you is the fact that you have to remain in communication with them. That’s a special sort of hell. It’s sort of like having to remain on a speaking level with a person who raped you in the past and got away with it. Sure, you may forgive them eventually, but you don’t want to be their friend.

STBEXw. has been calling me over the last week or so with nothing to talk about. I normally ignore the call or either ask her to text me back if it’s important. A few times, I decided to indulge and let her do most of the talking. Those phone conversations are awkard as fuck because she tries to be funny or friendly and I’m just “listening” mostly. I usually get back to business and cut it off as soon as possible.

I’ve told her that outside of kiddo and finances, we really don’t have anything to talk about. I would have cut her off COMPLETELY if it wasn’t for those things. What kind of sucker/fool remains friends with a person who completely betrayed them several times? I don’t care to know about her life, what she’s doing, who she’s doing it with, if it’s going good, bad, indifferent. I don’t give a fuck. I don’t want to know.

We cannot be friends after this. Does she really think that she can just fuck other people over like that and they should just be ok? Family, friends, whomever can deal with her however they want. But as for me….I’m not fucking with her. She may be the only person on earth I feel that way about right now. I’m not a hateful person. I don’t even really hate Donald Trump.

Like there isn’t any keykeying or laughs between us after what you willfully and intentionally did. Do I look like a bitch to you? Do I look like a weak, pathetic, emotional little creature that you can just play with like that? And maybe she doesn’t actually feel that way, but she did treat like that before and so I’m suspect of pretty much all of her antics now. I think the only reason I’m typing this is because she tried to pull that shit this morning.

She decided to burn the bridge of a possibility of friendship with the way she acted during her multiple affairs. I wonder if cheaters know how terrible they are acting while in the act. It’s not uncommon to hear people say that their cheating spouse treated them like complete garbage. I mean come on, they have to know. You KNOW when you’re treating someone shitty. There is no excuse when they tell you it repeatedly. Sorry, but a half apologetic “I’m sorry” just ain’t gonna cut it. She knew she was burning that bridge behind her. She had to know that all the water (she was raining) under the bridge along with burning it down means that there is NO coming back. Whatsoever.

So fuck her. I gave her dozens, if not a hundred chances to turn around. To at least respect me. And she knows the only reason I gave her that many is because I wanted to fight for our family and try to keep our son’s home in tact. She wouldn’t even work with me since chasing new dick was her priority. She completely destroyed our home, with no regards to our feelings, and basically gave herself completely over to men who didn’t do a fraction of what I had done for her. She betrayed us for them. She knows noone else on earth loves kiddo as much as I do. I am her son’s father. A man who was always there for him. He looks up to me as a man. Yet she decides that I’m worth being cucked and humiliated for men who weren’t even there. She tried to sell out my due respect because these men felt more manly than me since they could fuck someone’s wife. Men who simply wanted some ass and wouldn’t tell her the truth (assuming she told them all the real truth). These men didn’t give a fuck about her family, our kid, or his future like that.

I was a man who proved to be there for her time and time again. Her husband who treated her as she “deserved”. I wasn’t too jealous or insecure, yet SHE was the one who abused that trust. And yet I wasn’t worth respect in the end?

That said, I’m not fucking with her. She didn’t do it to anyone else, so I could probably understand why others might want to deal with her. But she’s dead to me. I just see the shell of the woman she once was. She’s like a ghost. The memory of a nightmare I once had.

I know forgiveness has to come into play at some point. But as of now, I cannot bring myself to do it. I don’t respect her. It’s not even based on her not wanting to remain married. But it is about the unnecessarily dishonorable and disrespectful way she decided to throw me under the bus.

The Game in 2021

I just watched a video of some light skinned shorty with a nice ass and cute face twerking on worldstar. I usually don’t fall for the thirst trap, but decided what the hell. Shorty was gorgeous, I can’t lie, it did get my heart rate up (i’ve been celibate for the few weeks or so and am practicing no fap), but while attracted on a physical level, I was turned off by her behavior.

Reading the comments and so many dudes were complimenting her on her body and skills. Many were saying how they’d perform x sexual act(s) on her. It ain’t no way I’d pursue anything with her other than a bare minimum conversation. She’d most likely have to pursue me if sex were to happen. Even then, I’m not chasing someone like that.

That said though, I’m facing a bit of cognitive dissonance when it comes to women. I mean on one hand, I’d love to find someone right for me. On the other, I fear falling in love. It ain’t really in me to pursue women….especially if I know she’s ‘dating’ other men. You can say whatever about it not being my business to know what she’s doing, but fuck all that. I can’t see myself taking a woman out to dinner/movies, paying for the whole thing, and then not getting any that night. Matter of fact, sex had to have come first before any of that occurs. Otherwise, we’re going dutch where she has to pay for something.

I’d feel like a complete sucker knowing that I spent the good part of my evening with a woman (time + energy + resources) just for her to call her ‘back breaker’ after the date. Normally, this guy didn’t have to do anything except show up. And why should he get preferential treatment? I’m not into stealing a chick from a guy. I’ve never met a chick yet where I feel like I wanted to share her….even if temporarily.

I like the intimate parts of sex too much. I like kissing and making out. I like oral….giving and receiving. I like holding hands and all that goofy shit. Regular sex is good too, but I be wanting more and being unable to do those extra things kind of ruins the moment for me.

Plus, there is a fine line between simping and showing that you like her that I haven’t figured out. The more you show that you like them, the less they respect you. But on the other hand, the less attention you give them, the more interested…..(at least to a point). And this area is different for different women. Hell it’s different for the same woman depending on her level of attraction, time you’ve been together, what’s going on in her life and so forth.

Bottom line is that they have too many gotdamned options. Between dudes who actually love her and want her. And the thirsty simps who pretend to. And the dudes who she’s attracted to that can dog her out. And dudes with good game. There is too much competition. I don’t have the patience for it.

Even IF she is attracted to me for the moment, I know that they have the capacity to do a 180 at any given time. So I just cannot allow myself to fall for her, even if things are going good in the moment. It’s too emotionally taxing and stressful.

The way I see it, a title such as wife or girlfriend isn’t going to stop her from cheating. You’re bound to get attached to her if you see her for too long though. But still, I don’t trust them. They are master actresses. They can say that everything is cool, but you have to have a sense of her attraction level to you. And there is no hard science to this.

Say she’s acting distant or bitchy. Perhaps she’s having a bad week. Maybe she’s going through something. Maybe it’s just her personality. Maybe, it’s all in my head. Either way, bringing it up makes you look weak or insecure. She’ll usually lie (whether someone else is in the picture or not) and say she’s ‘fine’.

A simp would try to figure it out. Someone who doesn’t care, just doesn’t care and in the end she at least maintains a level of respect. It’s like she can never really know that you care about her. It’s like you have to be inconsistent between your words and actions. You can actually give a fuck while saying that you don’t. Or you can not give a fuck and say that you do. Too many games, but it’s like she has to have some doubt. But I’d rather be the latter guy if I’m honest.

Many men cheat because they want to.

Some men cheat because we have to. I would love to be faithful to one woman, but it truly doesn’t work if you want to keep her long term. In 2021, you have to be the cheater or be cheated on it seems. I hate that rule, and I’m sure it’s an unpopular opinion. But it’s the truth. Real talk, It’s better to have no women than to have just one. Or at least you have to put it in her mind that you do / could have someone else at any given moment. Otherwise, she gets bored and bad things happen.

But perhaps this is why, despite everyone hating on “fuck boys”, they are winning when it comes to women. If I am going to want a sexual relationship with women, I have to take my heart out of it. But not just that, I have to be willing to say whatever and to the least in order to get it. It’s like the goal is to get them attached while avoiding attachment. Ironcially, this is what they are really attracted to despite saying otherwise. But look at who gets them attached the most? You guessed it. Fuck boys. Who gets cheated on or left (if you’re lucky), the guys who try to be committed to them.

It doesn’t take a phd in counseling to figure out which path is best for your emotional well being. But it might take one to help me overcome this desire to want to be faithful. Apparently, somewhere in my mind, there is a spirit of tricking or simping that I need to overcome. I never thought I’d say that being faithful to one woman would be a bad thing. But in real life, these are the times we live in.

Welcome to Adulting

Had to actually have a conversation with stbxw and it sucked. The more I’m away from her, the harder it is to talk to her. As much as I wish that I could never speak to her again, the reality is that we do have a kid and we have to co-parent. Which unfortunately involves having some contact with each other.

I’m usually pretty chill about people. I’ve never held grudges. Then again, noone has ever come close to hurting me this bad. I really dislike her and I don’t want to forgive her. If someone were to ask “How’s she doing”
… my answer “Fuck her. Next Question.”

And this is part of irrationality. I know that morally, I’m supposed to forgive her. I know that it’s probably the spiritual thing to do. I know that holding on to anger when she’s been moved on hurts me more. I know she isn’t losing any sleep over this. But man fuck her.

Ironically, now I can kind of see how cheaters and adulterers can just say fuck it and not do the right thing. However, I won’t sit here and say that I am a good person. I’m not a good person and I’m ok with that. I don’t care. If i lose sleep over this, it won’t be because i’m beating myself up about not forgiving her.

I have a strong dislike for her. I want nothing to do with her. While apathy is better than hate, I’m a work in progress and not in a rush to get there.

I guess there is no point in questioning why she thinks we could be friends after all she’s done to me. It comes from the same space of irrationality I’m coming from. I don’t want to talk about forgiveness. I don’t want to conform to a higher standard on this. Fuck her and that’s about it.

At least for now.

Single and working on myself

So, it’s been a few weeks since the stbxw moved out and things are slowly, but surely getting into a sense of normality. I haven’t really talked to her much unless it concerns kiddo or bills. In fact, most of the time when she does call, I reply with a text asking her to text me back. I’m not really concerned. Though it’s only been a few weeks, she seems somewhat foreign to me. Like I don’t really know her.

I find that my mind is thinking less and less about her daily. So I guess that progress is being made. This is what I think healing looks like.

My lover. Or should I say ‘ex lover’ hasn’t really taken the time to reach out. She texted like once on Saturday, but didn’t respond to my reply. Though I’ve been contemplating reaching out, I’m thinking she is really wanting to move on. Besides, since I have kiddo full time now as vacation is over, I won’t really have time to deal with her. Despite the red flags i saw in her, I sort of miss her from an egotistical point of view.

Another thing is that she is way better off financially than me. I don’t really bring anything to the table in the way of finances for her. Though she says that it isn’t a problem, all of her friends who are getting married seem to have their finances together. I feel that it would be another problem in the future. Another big red flag is that she doesn’t really know me. She seems to think that I have black and white thinking and have a problem with understanding then nuances of what I tell her. She has completely misrepresented my point of view on numerous occasions. To that point, there really is no way in knowing what she tells her friends about me. I think she thinks that I’m stupid or ignorant or something.

On a side note: Ironically, though being world traveled. She has a view of the world that I find to be a bit disturbing. She believes the entire world is a monolith in their feelings about us “terrible” Americans. She thinks that they are bitter since they have to cater to us. She also thinks that I would not be able to accept their cultures and somehow think that the “American” way is the superior way. I argue that my view about other countries view us is that I imagine that some people love us, some hate us, some are curious, and some are probably indifferent. Hers is that they hate us because we are so arrogant and apparently I don’t know what I’m talking about. She claims that she can’t have the debate with me since I don’t have a passport. I mean really? That’s pretty low . Real, but I’m not still not convinced that the entire world hates us. Besides, who made her the spokesperson for the entire rest of the world anyway? Though I’m not world traveled, I’ve met and talked with people from all over the world. From what I can see, they are like any group of people in the sense that they have as varied views on any given topic (including America) as we do. It’s reasonable to believe that their fellow countrymen are varied in their beliefs. In fact, given my experience of human nature, it is really hard to believe that they ALL have the same views. But wtf do I know. I don’t have a passport. Then again, this is the same girl who was completely shocked that I had issues and certain disagreements with the organization, black lives matter. As if i should just fall in line with their agenda because simply I’m African American.

She also doesn’t like a healthy debate and calls it arguing. If she debates that way, I get it. I don’t think I’d like to either. But there would definitely be problems with communication which is yet another red flag.

However, she was like the methadone to my heroin addiction. A less addictive drug to help wean off the cravings. But i guess it’s time to shake my addiction to that as well. In ways it’s much easier. But there are times where I feel that it sucks for her to be able to just cut me off like that. I am consoled by the fact that it seems that women have a switch in their brains where they can suddenly just stop caring about someone. Or maybe it’s just me. Or maybe neither was right for me.

I’m not lonely per se. Just yet, but I do find myself asking myself what do I want in a woman. As of now, fwb where she likes me more than I like her. To be real, I don’t even want just one woman.

I suffer from cognitive dissonance because I really do want one, but I’m just afraid to get too attached. I figure that 2 or more could keep those types of feelings at bay. I believe that being “in love” is just a recipe for heartbreak. I know that I can get attached too easily, so I always have to keep my guard up. However, I don’t want to be a cheater either. Make that make sense.

Despite being a sweetheart, my lover showed enough red flags and incompatibility that I didn’t get my heart completely caught up. I do miss her at times though.

I also realize that my former mantra of loving those who love me is a bit problematic. Pretty much all of my ex’s made it easy to pursue. This is a problem because it makes it pretty easy for them to also get guys captivated by attention. Once she gets tired, then it’s not hard for her to ‘move on.’ I wonder if my lover has found someone else. I wonder if she ever thinks about me. I don’t really care what my stbxw does anymore. That relationship is dead and I have no interest in reviving it. She never cared for me the way I thought she did and that’s cool. It’s not like we were compatible anyway.

But i am still not ready to talk to her or face her. I don’t know how I’m going to react. I just don’t feel ready to speak to her about anything. I guess I haven’t really moved on yet. Again, using the drug addiction analogy. It would be like finally being able to quit using heroin, understanding how it destroyed my life, but not being ready to be around it. Sometimes I wonder if this is going to be a life long thing, like an alcoholic never being able to take another sip.

We will eventually have to talk about custody and divorce. Unless she takes action first, it might take me a few months before I’m actually ready to have a heavy conversation with her.

I was a bit worried that I might slack off on working out as part of the appeal of my lover was the fact that she appreciated all the work I put in at the gym. It was motivation. But fortunately, I’ve gotten back on track since the holidays and am going as regularly, if not more since I have more time at home than before.

All in all though, I am hopeful for the future.

Really Tho’ Black Woman

I know this is going to probably be a controversial posting, but I’m going to put it out here anyway. The vast majority of black women I know (when I say most, I mean all)…. at least the ones I’ve talked to about the subject swear that they are so oppressed.

They swear they have it so hard here in America. From their view, between racism and patriarchy, you’d think that they were second class…scratch that, third class citizens here in the states.

Now I won’t say that they don’t feel that way and that they are misleading me with how they actually feel. But I do think that their feelings come from what they’ve been conveniently told by the media and our educational institutions. They’re brainwashed into thinking that they have it so hard somehow.

Whenever I see articles online about black excellence, it’s usually some black women who owns businesses. Ever take a look at college campuses here lately, the majority of students are black women. Of minorities in corporate or even the educational professions….black women. Black women are nurses, lawyers, doctors, politicians, police officers, tech professionals, scientists. Our vice president….a black woman. Mayor of Atlanta….you guessed it.

In my own personal life, I know more black women making 6 figure incomes than men. When you think of strong women, what do you think of…. strong “black” women. Yet ask these women about it, they will tell you that they are so oppressed. That the entire world is out to stop them or get them. That they have to work 10x harder to do anything.

They claim that the world thinks they’re so ugly, yet you have women of all nationalities out there going under surgery to get their full lips and nice shapes. Who has the world singing WAP. Who is at the forefront of women reclaiming their sexuality. Who is the world trying to dance like?

Noone can complain about black women at all. In fact, if you’re ready to lose your career as man, say something negative about a black women publically. The cancel police or HR will be on that ass faster than ash on a cold winter day.

In fact, one of the biggest complaints black women have today about men is finding one who is “on their level”. This would be a strange question for such an oppressed person to ask.

Yet if you bring up these facts, they will still vehemently tell you that they are the most oppressed people in the world. I mean if you want to make a black woman angry, tell her that she isn’t. It’s almost as if their entire identity starts at the foundation that they are at the bottom of the barrel.

I’m not saying that they have everything perfect. Or that they don’t have problems/issues with society as a whole. But let me ask, what person/ group doesn’t? Nearly everyone is oppressed in some shape form or fashion. Then they make the categorical mistake of getting angry if you stereotype them, but then wanting to take credit for something positive if someone who looks likes like them does it.

Many of them (with very few exceptions) argue very emotionally. It doesn’t matter how educated they are. Very often, logic goes out of the window if you disagree with them. A black women literally CANNOT be wrong in an argument. It’s as if you’re insulting her entire existence. Especially, the more educated or financially successful she is. And this would be ok, IF she argued logically. But most of the time, she’ll either deflect, create straw men, try to be funny (key word is TRY), or outright dismiss your argument. Try it (AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION) and let me know how it went. Take note of how they will quickly try and change the entire point. Note how they argue something you weren’t even talking about specifically. Note how they try to make a bad joke (and laugh at it). Note how they can never accurately sum up your specific argument. Ask, them, what is my point…..(and I’ve done this a few times, and 99% of the time, they cannot tell me) Their point isn’t to try to gain an understanding of your point of view. But to win. And winning to them is either having you shut the fuck up. Give up. Or just agree with them.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to disparage all black women. I love them. But these critiques are here because it’s something on my mind and things I’ve noticed about many of them. I could see how many would say that I hate black women.

It’s not true. It’s like if I critiqued my son or even my own black mother for certain behaviors I noticed. It doesn’t meant hat I don’t love them.

Thoughts of Celibacy

I jumped the gun accidentally got romantically involved with someone on this downside of my marriage. I mean it seems to be really over with the wife. Even though we live together, she’s pretty much adamant about dating others and doing whatever the hell it is she wants. I am protesting tooth and nail because even though I do what i do on the side, it’s really out of pride and lack of intimacy.

The person I got involved with was more or a less a fwb benefits situation that lasted entirely too long. I think she’s finally had enough. Of course after seeing someone for so long, having great sex, and spending fun times on the weekend for that long tends to bond you with someone. I’m sort of sad about it, but I don’t take it personally as really, she does need to move on. I really do love her and I want the best for her. I’m not ready for a relationship, another marriage and family, but she is. I’ve had another long term situationship where we had love for each other, but amicably split up because we knew we weren’t right for each other. Those are bittersweet. You walk away a bit melancholy, but still with love for them. If it’s over indeed, I wish her the best.

Meanwhile, I should really be focusing on bettering myself. I do work out consistently and play video games outside of working a fulltime job and a part time. In those ways, I am mostly fulfilled. I’m a simple man, dunno want to say. I’m by no means wealthy, but I can take care of myself and afford a lifestyle that basically allows me to do mostly what I want. I don’t have a fetish for fancy cars, vacations, and big houses.

Not saying I wouldn’t take those things or have anything against them, but it’s just not something that I would work my ass off to get if it compromises my happiness. I’m not “ambitious” because I’m content. But wouldn’t contentment mean that I’m basically happy with my life? I mostly do what I like to do and can generally afford it because they don’t require much money. On a side note, women love ambition, and hate contentment from my understanding….unless you’re wealthy. Perhaps it has something to do with security.

The part time job thing kind of took a steep nosedive as I spent so much free time with her. But i can pick back up on that.

I havent’ really been single for a while. The soon to be ex wife is slated to get a travel position at any day now. The sooner she leaves the better even though it is somewhat helpful to have her around to help pick up the slack with kiddo. Dunno man, as bad as it hurts to have her there, it’s hard to raise a kid on your own.

Perhaps celibacy can help with this once she leaves. I don’t really have the time, availability, visibility, nor if I’m honest, game to just go out and pick up random chicks. This applies to dating as well. This also applies to maintaining a relationship with someone. I need to have casual sex with someone who isn’t looking for a relationship (right now), but who also isn’t married, but who also isn’t sleeping around with anyone else, and she isn’t fat or ugly (average would do) would be like finding a needle in a haystack. My lover fit that criteria perfectly (outside of the not looking for a relationship part). I got lucky with that one. It does make me wonder if I should get back out there and try again. I suspect there are a lot of women out there like that. The problem is finding them. But also, how to get to that point again?

I may be an incel. I am considering celibacy for a lot of great reasons, but given where I am currently in life, I really can’t afford the time to properly date anyone.

Having intimacy with someone also comes with the baggage of spending time and resources on them. I really should be trying to get my money right. I’ve wasted a lot of time in relationships/situationships and honestly, I’ve made the most strides and gains in my career when I was single.

It’s tough being in a failed marriage. I can’t talk to my wife anymore. She isn’t helping me as her constant cheating / emotional/ physical affairs take a huge toll on my self esteem and mental health. I don’t like who I am when around her. I get triggered and start “lecturing” her about her doing this shit when i see a text from him come in. Other times, it’s awkward silence because I’m not really feeling the vibe. Our connection has been broken and I don’t have it in me to try to fix it as long as she’s constantly cheating. I don’t chase women like that anyway. I generally deal with women who like me without me having to convince them too much, but I’m not about to start with her.

It’s demoralizing to think that I’m literally begging her to respect me. I get tired of lecturing her on the morality issue (yeah, I’m a hypocrite). I just get away with my shit. On the other hand, it’s sort of an involuntarily open relationship so why shouldn’t i have taken advantage…..just saying.

She mostly agrees with me about how fucked up she’s treating me, but still continues anyway. Talk about a slap in the face when it comes to self respect. I feel stuck though. How can I kick her out without exposing things to my son. She won’t leave nor under law is obligated to. I can’t afford to move out. Can’t afford a divorce attorney and we both want to find a way to have an amicable split. It’s like I know she doesn’t love me, but why doesn’t it have to come at the expense of emasculating me. I don’t want to create a toxic environment for kiddo. Maybe I’m just being a pussy because she is in a way forcing my hand.

Maybe he should know this is why Mommy cannot live here anymore. And that he should never deal with this shit. I digress.

Another contention between me and my lover is the fact that I do seem to pacify my soon to be ex wife way too much. Most specifically when I “can’t” spend the night or weekend with her. Understandable. I can’t use the excuse of trying to keep the home from being too toxic. I don’t want my son questioning why I didn’t come home and having to lie to him. And that’s the truth. But again, that isn’t her problem. Perhaps this is another reason why I didn’t get too involved emotionally with her. She is a pretty decent girl, but too many red flags for me if I’m honest, even though I’m not exactly a perfect catch right now either.

I’ve never tried intentional celibacy. I’ve had droughts of a few months here and there in my adult life, but I’ve always generally had a woman in my life. Perhaps I should stop looking and just focus on getting all the other aspects of my life together. There are things more important than sex and intimacy, plus I could stand to go without it for a season or two. I’m not too old to start over, but I should begin with solid foundation. In fact women and video games should both be temporarily placed on the sacrifice table for the next few months to a year. The focus is on finances, spirituality, and continuing with my fitness (working out and martial arts).

This means to STOP looking or taking applications. This means to look, but not lust or wonder if I could/would fuck her. Basically I need to make women be invisible to me as far as sexual possibilities go. I need to go back to my childhood where I wasn’t even concerned about them.

Instead of single and ready to mingle. I’m single and working on myself.

Becoming Colder

So my lover has been acting colder recently and we’ve had the talk about not seeing each other anymore starting in the beginning of the year. We’ve ‘broken’ up a few times over the years and the whole time I knew that sooner or later, we’d have to end this. I’m really surprised we made it this far. But as the saying goes “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” Even though I do believe this is best….probably for both of us. I still can’t help but feel twinges of sadness or something whenever I think about her.

She doesn’t return my calls nor initiate texts. And if she does respond, they are short and straight to the point. I’m not worried nor panicking, as these are usually either signs that she’s in her feelings about something, she’s busy at work, or is trying to emotionally distance herself. Maybe someone else is in the picture.

Either way, I’m not worried or tripping on it. Again, I know that I’m not the right guy for her nor is she the right woman for me. Perhaps the emotional toll is greater than the sex at this point. Logically, I know that even if this is the end, it’s probably for the best. We had some good times, but life is transitory and TBH, i wasn’t really in love with her like that even though I did and still do have a lot of love for her.

The best thing to do is to stay cool, not panic, and let her either come back around, or move on with her life. I already called twice and she didn’t call me back. I texted regular good morning only to be met with “gm”. So it appears that she’s distancing herself. Basically just do nothing….even though at times, I wonder if she wants me to chase or pursue to show that I care. Or it could be that she’s telling me that she wants space. Women man!!! Who knows?

Writing this proves that she’s on my mind. And oddly, I don’t know why she is taking up so much mental real estate in my head. Maybe I’m just subconsciously trying to figure it all out and those thoughts occasionally bubble up into my conscious through emotions or feelings. Emotionally, I’m not that invested and I can’t take it personally, she wants a husband and a family or at the very least a boyfriend. Nothing doing. Maybe a baby daddy, but of course that’s not gonna fly with the image she has for herself. If i were extremely wealthy at the time, perhaps. But damn, I kind of miss her.