The madness of dealing with a cheater

I just don’t understand the mindset of cheaters.   I’ve been reading stories on reddit’s surviving infidelity forums and I’m convinced that there must be a special place in hell for them.   Wait…I can’t judge too much based off my ‘separation shenanigans’, but I’m not separated because I wanted to be.  I was pushed into this.

Me, the wife, and our kid went to church this weekend and as usual, the Holy Spirit tailored the message for us.   This time, the sermon was about being ‘All in’.    The pastor specifically gave an example about how his parent’s divorce devestated him as a kid and it was due to them not being “All In.”

The day before, we talked about what we wanted moving forward and neither of us know at this point.   She’s been nicer to me, but still hasn’t shown me anything that would indicate that she wants to work on things.   She claims that she’s on the fence.   I don’t go out of my way to contact her and am still headed down the path of emotional disconnection. I usually try to keep it business only.   She wants to laugh and be friendly, but it pisses me off that she’s so aloof about how bad she hurt me.    Occassionally I do talk to her about my emotional state, but for the most part, I just come around to handle business and I don’t really say much to her at all.

The funny thing is that I don’t think that I’d be happy with her either.   The difference is that I never even thought that marriage was about happiness primarily.   To me, it was about growth and providing a stable home for our kids.   Sure we’d try our best to be and make each other happy, but ultimately, it was on us as individuals to find it within the space that our vows allowed.

I really don’t know how she can claim to love our son, but not be interested in making things work.   She called last night and told me that he was upset about me not living there and was hoping that I would move back in after the lease was up over there.  She told him that we have to figure a few things out and left it at that.   I really don’t understand how she could be so selfish and cold.   It’s really shocking that I really don’t know this woman.   Many days, I wish I never married her and brought our son into this. I love him with all of me and even though I’m over her as a spouse for the most part,  I would stay just so he wouldn’t have to experience that emotional pain.

How can cheaters be so freakin selfish?   How is she so ok with breaking up our family and hurting him?

I told her that I was truly blindsided by the whole thing because she never told me she was unhappy before the affair.   She tells me now that she didn’t handle it right.   At the same time, reading the surviving infidelity forums from people who went through this tells me that there is a very good chance that even if we somehow manage to work it out, she’d very likely cheat again.   Given the level she betrayed me for him, the lack of remorse, and tepid commitment to possibly working things out, i’m thinking it might be him again should she reach out.   It doesn’t matter that she tells me that she now ‘realizes’ that he isn’t a good person.

I love my son, I’d consider doing more work to meet her more than halfway, but she isn’t the type that I can trust.   I don’t get how we can agree on so many moral issues.   How she can actively dislike R. Kelly, talk shit about cheaters on the reality TV shows she watches, but still be the way she is.   Man, this chick is crazy.

 

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History repeating itself

I knew the day would come when me and she would have to part ways.   I never knew how it would happen, but I always knew it wouldn’t be a forever thing.   We never placed any expectations on each other, except honesty to each other about fidelity.   No rules, no strings, just let each other know if we had sex with someone else.   No hard feelings.

I had hoped that we could maintain that promise.   But I realize it is  a pretty tall order.  I believe she broke that.   It doesn’t feel off, but the holes in her stories are starting to make me give pause.    I think I’m getting in a little over my head and so it’s probably time to fall back because it matters to me.    Given what she’s told me about her past and what i’ve been able to gather from her present.   There just too many red flags to continue.   It really is a case of it being me and not her.   I can’t handle the emotional aspect of it and I don’t want to be that jealous guy.    My own history has shown that I must be a magnet for these chicks.  I’ve read this story before.  It’s the story of my life.   Funny how history has a way of repeating itself.   She is like a combination of all my ex’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I judge, but not out of a feeling of superiority.   I wish the best for her.   I just know that I’d be a fool to get attached.  Especially when I know that it isn’t going anywhere.   Oddly enough, this has been the story of my love life.   We start as a fling, to fwb, to let’s try this, to it seems pretty cool….then, almost on queue the disrespect, unanswered calls, questionable missing weekends, cheating and inevitable break up.

Followed with a break period, us getting back together, and then dysfunction until one of us moves away.   Happened 3 times already.   The process takes about 3 to 4 years.

Oddly enough,  I never expect anything at first.   Hell i already see/saw the red flags.  I wasn’t foolish enough figure they wouldn’t be problematic in the long run.   But you keep having fun, hanging out, fucking,  and the next thing you know…..emotional attachment.  That’s the part I never seemed to anticipate.

My wife was the only exception to these long term things, but that’s a shit show now.

I gotta think with the big head this time and not the little one.   I’m not mad or angry at her.    I just know her nature.  I’ve dated her before.   Without any prospects right now, I gotta do what’s best for me and fall back.  That’s the hard part.   While  I did miss the intimacy, sex, and attention that I wasn’t getting from my wife,  it will come at a price if I continue down this road.    Hopefully i won’t go all let’s fix it with my wife.   I’ve come too far to emotionally detach to turn back now.   I hope this doesn’t interfere with my progress.

Fortunately, my lover did relieve me from some of the pressure of obsessing over my wife.    Life’s a lot easier if i’m not thinking about her.   But it’s stupid to replace one problem with another one.   I would save myself a lot of potential heartache by distancing myself at this point.

I already know what I need to do.    Just time to do it.

Man, screw that.  Who walks away from a free paycheck?  Shit she gotta fire me.

Purposeful Awareness

We are not our thoughts nor our minds.   Our mind is a tool.   We are no more our thoughts or minds as we are are cars even though we drive them.   Many of us have the car on autopilot without the GPS set.   We’re just reacting to incidents on the road.  We have to gain control of the car by being conscious of what we’re doing.   We have to be conscious of what we want.

One way to describe an aspect of consciousness is awareness.   Awareness is being.

Many models of the mind say that we have a conscious and subconscious mind.   The conscious is what we’re aware of in any given moment and the subconscious is things we can know, but not presently aware of.

A simple example is the internet.   This page represents your conscious mind, but the rest of the internet is like the subconscious.

Breathing is a subconscious act that doesn’t require you to think about.   It happens like a background process needed for an operating system to run.  You can however move your awareness over to breathing and control it if necessary.   Certain processes in your body can function in this way.    Some are on all the time, such as hearing, seeing, balance, etc.    They are so critical to life that they normally don’t turn off.  Others are so vital to your survival that you can’t move your awareness to consciously control them, such as blood flow direction or liver processes.

We won’t worry about those processes that we can’t control.  Those are a part of our biology or the machinery of this body.   Many people also call it the subconscious.  There is a theory that nature is a part of this super-conscious field that permeates everything in life, but that’s beyond the scope of this article.  Let’s keep it simple for now.

To avoid confusion, let’s just call the aspects of our biology we can place awareness on and control to a degree our unconscious mind.   I’d consider the unconscious as a subset of the subconscious mind.

The unconscious pretty much contains the mental, emotional, and processing areas of our minds.  Feelings, memories, and senses are also a part of the unconscious mind.  If i asked you to suddenly become aware of the feeling of your elbow, you probably could.   Before then you were unaware so therefore unconscious of it.

That said, there are unconscious processes going on all the time.   When we drive, we don’t take much mental note of how much pressure we’re putting on the gas, brake, or steering wheel.   It sort of automatically happens.   That’s a good thing.  Many things in our lives are under unconscious control.   We don’t need to think about walking or running in order to just do.    The problem is when we put too many aspects of our lives on unconscious autopilot.

We have the ability to put ourselves and regulate our moods consciously if we put effort into it.   Often times, our moods and feelings are regulated by how we feel about the thought of something.   The conscious mind is a subset of the unconscious mind.   It is under our control.   It is what we’re currently aware of at any given time and it can move to any other area of the unconscious mind simply by willing it to.

Neurological pathways connect sensory, thought, memory, idea, and feeling to one another in a network or cluster of sorts.  If the think of cold for instance, we can think of snow, memories of being cold, pictures of the arctic, our kitchen freezer, cold showers, etc.     All of those ideas however can be attached to a feeling or other memories.  When ideas and memories are unconsciously linked to feelings,  recalling these ideas or memories can create a states in our bodies that create anxiety or excitement or whatever feeling all without us knowing.

Given that thoughts crop up and disappear all without us being aware of them, the feelings linked with those thoughts can often leave us in a bad mood or feeling anxious without us knowing exactly why.

This is why being present and grounded the moment really helps if you find yourself constantly nervous or anxious.   It’s why we can often make big deals of nothing.   It’s why we can manifest things into reality for ourselves that we didn’t want.   We’re unconscious of what we create.

Thoughts and feelings create our reality.   I’ll go over how in a future article.  For now, just understand that awareness can be controlled.   Too often we just don’t do it and rely on autopilot.  Being present is the art and practice of controlling our awareness  to a desired state on purpose.

 

 

 

 

 

Psychosomatic Manifestation part 1

Have you ever thought about something that was about to happen, but felt nervous or sick about it?   Often times, it’s not as bad as you thought it would be, but then again, on a certain level, you figured it wouldn’t be.

How about feeling like you wanted something to happen, it didn’t, but you figured it probably wasn’t going to anyway.

These are examples of how we create reality in direct proportion to our beliefs.

In order to maximize positive feelings and minimize negative try this experiment.    It should help generate the appropriate feeling you’d like to have.   Remember that feeling is the key to manifestation and beliefs are key to this working.

“walk by faith and not by sight”

To begin:

Let me walk you through a simple self hypnosis exercise.

First breathe deeply and relax your body.  Start from the top of your head and work your way down to your feet imagining each major muscle group relaxing on the way.  It should only take a few seconds.  Do that twice.

Close your eyes and roll them up as if you’re trying to see the back of your forehead.   With your eyes locked in that position, try to open then.  You should find that it’s damn near impossible.     Good, that means that you’re relaxing.

Relax your eyes and Imagine your shoulders getting heavy and your breathing is getting deeper.  Breath from your stomach instead of your lungs.

Congrats, if you can do this, you’ve reached stage 1 of self hypnosis.   Simple as that.  Note that the more you believe this, the better it works.

The second step is the deepener.   Just take that current feeling of relaxation and imagine doubling it.   Relax all the muscles in your face and imagine that any tension or anxiety you have falling out of your body to the ground like cement.  Imagine your feet is in the cement.   As you try to lift your feet out of the cement, you might notice that it’s kind of hard or even impossible to lift them.  If you have trouble moving your feet then, you’re in stage two.

There are techniques to go deeper, but for now.  Let’s stop here.    You should feel very relaxed.   Still conscious, but very relaxed.   Take note of this feeling.   It might might feel like hypnosis at all, but the more you do this, the more you’ll be able to distinguish this state and go deeper in subsequent sessions.  Simply reimagine being in this state as you start from step one next time.

The key to all of this is suspending disbelief.   Imagination is key.

 

 

 

Feeling it

Feeling is the key to manifesting reality.   I can go into detail, but for now, let’s dig into the topic of the role of hypnosis combined with visualization and feeling.

The first step of manifestation is Knowing what outcome you desire.   The second step if feeling as if you have already achieved it.

The key part here is ‘feeling.’   You must consciously or purposely imagine what it would feel like to have that thing….hold the feeling and then intensify.    In hypnosis, a deepener is a statement that tells you to double, or triple the feeling of being relaxed.    Here, just double or triple the feeling of the desired state of being (feeling).

“Feeling” is a bit tricky to describe in words because they can’t really convey the actual feeling.  For example, i can tell you to feel happy, but i can’t tell you how happy feels to you on the inside.   You have to imagine or remember the last time you felt happy, and then notice how your feel on the inside of your physical body.   How does your stomach feel?  How does your head feel?   How does your face feel?  Where is there a bit of tension?  Where is there a bit of relaxation?   What is the ratio of tension to relaxation?    The heart is the primary center of emotion so place a lot of awareness of the feeling there.

I believe that the two primary emotions are tension and relaxation.   All others are a mix or combination of the two.   For example, anger like 80% tension, 20% relaxation.  Excitement is 70% relaxation 30% tension.  These relaxation and tension areas can be phsychosomatically (almost physically) felt in your body at various places in varying degrees.

Imagine that you won the lottery?  How would your chest feel.  How would you be standing.   What’s your breathing rate?  Imagine that sensation and place your awareness on how your body (focus on your heart) feels.  What is is doing?

Relaxation, mild excitement, and gratitude are the key emotions for generating positive manifestation.   Take an idea or goal.   How do you feel about it.   Do you presently feel nervous and anxious or excited and calm?  The key is finding out the primary feelings you have given a specific goal, topic, or idea and enhancing the positive feelings(energy) while eliminating the negative feelings (energy).

We manifest regardless of how we feel.   It’s been stated that what we manifest is in direct proportion to how feel about it.   If you can imagine and feel doing ok  with life, then we’re going to do…just ok.   If we can imagine and feel doing great, we’ll do that.

Thoughts and feelings work with one another to create your experience.  Often times, we manifest on autopilot so to speak.   It’s based off of the subconscious programming we have.  When we are not in the now or create on purpose, we sort of run through life at the mercy of our own programming.

If we have a disposition of feeling nervous or anxiety, our minds will create images, thoughts, or projections that will enhance that feeling.   The worse we feel, the worse the images and projections are.  The subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish between reality and imagination.  It will generate  icky nervous feelings and our thoughts will automatically generate images that match up with those feelings.     We can easily get caught up in a negative cycle.   Given our busy lives and technological distractions, we often forget to consciously create what we want.   Many of use are victims to our own minds.

We are not our thoughts and minds.   Meditation can teach us that.   If you try thinking about nothing for a few minutes, you’d be surprised at how often thoughts can suddenly bubble up.   It can be quite a challenge to suppress them.   An easier challenge is to simply attempt to focus on your breathing for 20 minutes.   You can last longer, but eventually around the 3 minute mark or so, people generally forget to think about not thinking and thoughts begin to bubble up.

If you can observe these thoughts as a someone observing something, the question is who is observing the thoughts and who is generating the thoughts.    The point is that we are so often distracted that don’t even realize what we’re thinking.  It isn’t until we choose to place awareness on our thoughts that we actually know.   We can control them, but often times, we don’t.   Nevermind the fact that many times, thoughts are associated with accompanying feelings.

 

Most men aren’t dogs, we just have commitment issues.

A friend of mine asked for advice about her guy who seems to have commitment issues.   She wants to believe that he’s just addicted to toxic relationships.   While that could be the case, I wanted to tell her that he probably wanted keep her around for a bit longer.   We as men know that true commitment is the quickest way to having her get bored and us getting cheated on.

For the longest, I’ve been trying to figure out how or why my wife betrayed me so badly.   It’s been going on 3 years and for the life of me, I just couldn’t figure it out.    We haven’t divorced yet and are in the weird limbo state.    I’m too hurt and distrustful to just let it go and try to work on things alone.  She doesn’t love me enough to be apologetic.   Right now, I’m trying to get my self back and get over the loss of my family.

Lately, I’ve been trying to get myself out of ‘nice’ guy or ‘beta’ male behavior.   It’s a struggle because I easily find myself wanting to please women and make them happy.   I truly get why I got what I deserved in previous relationships.   While I do plead the “ignorant” card, I have accept the responsibility of my actions and thus the consequences they had over my outcomes.

I had to face the hard truth that I’m not ‘alpha’ enough.   I’m too eager to please and make her happy.  Foot rubs, back massages, flowers, small gifts, and all that corny stuff is cool i suppose every other blue moon, but I did it too much.  I never complained when it wasn’t returned.   Truth be told, I did it because I loved her, not because I expected it back.   In retrospect, I should have.  Unknown to me, I was investing way more than she was.   And of course who wouldn’t want the highest return with little investment.   She didn’t use me, I played myself.

Maybe I’m not relationship material.   I’ve always been sort of a live and let live kind of guy.   Another shoe that fits is ‘happy go lucky’.   That said, I’m not really into dominating people or making them do anything they might not feel like doing.   If I can’t convince someone to do anything they don’t want to do, then it’s never been my style to ‘manipulate’ them into doing it.  Sure, I’d make my case, but in the end, no simply means no.   No harm, no foul.  Maybe I’m too independent in that sense.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t bode too well when it comes to women and attraction.   Red pill literature seems to indictate that women want to be dominated.   They wan’t to be convinced by an ‘alpha’ male to do things they might not feel like doing sometimes.   They want to follow him.    I’m not a leader.  I ‘ll grant you that.   I just do me.   To be fair to myself, I’m not much of a follower either.

Another thing is that I don’t truly know what I want half the time.  I wonder if I really don’t want anything enough or if it’s that I  somehow think I can’t get it.   I often find myself giving too few fucks about anything.   That can lead to lack of passion….another thing that women find attractive.   I do what I like and that’s it.   I have hobbies and a bit of ambition, but I’m not trying to build an empire.  Being rich doesn’t interest so much me that I have to put money over everything….as what most women seem to value in a man.   The idea of keeping up with the Jones’ turn me off.   I’m not working to impress people i don’t know nor care about with things that I don’t value just to look good.

Simply put, I’m a simple guy not willing to conform to the ‘standard’ set by society at large.   Don’t get me wrong, I indulge in modern comforts and conveniences as much as the next man.   As long as I can pay my bills, have the necessities, free time, and eat a fancy meal every now and then and buy a few toys, I’m good.   Even though that sounds decent, it simply means that I do have a tendency to become complacent financially.

Most people I know are looking to ‘level up’ and always looking for the next level.   Shiid, I’m happy where I am.     I could do a bit better, but I don’t  seem to have to urgency to get there.   I’m eating when I want, I’m clean, I have a roof over my head, I have transportation, and I”m not wondering how I’m going to pay the next bill.  I’m truly grateful for what I have as I know that as a middle class american, I’m probably living better than 90% of the entire world population in history.

I’m also not really built to be a player.  I don’t like to lie to people.   I have the tendency to see the good in whoever I was with.   I know noone is perfect, so even their ‘imperfections’ were just character traits that made them unique.    My problem is that I conceded way too much because I got attached in the discovery, honeymoon phase.  I settled for validation and that’s a problem of me not feeling like I’m enough.

I’ve also learned that if I want to ‘play the game’, I have to concede and sort of sell a piece of my soul.   I mean everyone else can’t be wrong.

I was speaking to a female friend and told her that I’m probably not relationship material.   Sure, I’m cool, short term, but in the end, I cannot open myself to a woman anymore.   Love hurts way too bad when it goes wrong.  I have a tendency to get attached and start caring too much.   I’m not “alpha” enough to maintain a long term relationship.   Perhaps I could change, but again, the cost is a piece of me that I don’t know I want to give up.

She asked me how i’d be happy if I never opened up and trusted anyone again.  It’s not that I don’t trust them, I just don’t want to put an otherwise decent person in a position to have to lie to me.   I don’t want to love someone so much that it becomes a burden to them if they change their minds.   I mean, it is unfair in a sense to them.  I’m doing us both a favor.

While it might not be my fault that they no longer value the relationship if I am putting my all in, but it’s also unfair to make them stay where they are ‘unhappy’ enough to cheat.

We live in a world of instant gratification and if for whatever reason, they want to leave, then by all means, I suppose they have the right.   Wouldn’t I want that for myself?  Perhaps they aren’t bound like a sense of duty like I am.   Perhaps they aren’t as happy go lucky as I am to make the best of it.   Everyone isn’t like me and I have to accept that.    That said though, I also have to look out for me.   I don’t plan on being an asshole, but I just can’t get too attached as I know that I can be loyal to a fault.   I’d tend to hurt myself before I’d hurt ‘us’ and when it’s not reciprocated, I lose my power in the relationship.  It gets boring and it simply causes women to run for the hills.

The only way around this is a form of love without attachment.   In a sense, I’m forced to be a ‘player’ or have several women so that I don’t get too attached to one.   It forces me to have situationships as opposed to exclusive relationships.   In that sense, I’m not a player.  I’m honest, but I do have commitment issues.

 

 

 

 

Give her the world

It’s been said that if a man loves a woman, he’ll give her the world.  I used to buy into that sappy b.s.  In fact, I never realized how programmed I was into believing this.

This morning, I was reading a profile on a dating app of a woman that seemed interesting.  It was decent until she said that she was looking for a man who wanted to give her the world.  It dawned on me that I used to really think that this is how things are supposed to be.   Despite consuming a lot of red pill material, this idea has never been challenged and there it was buried deep in my psyche.

It made me realize that I have work to do.  It also serves as an example of how we as sincere men are programmed to put women on pedestals.   It explains why we lose in the game of love.   Placing anyone on a pedestal automatically lowers your value to them.  And we are taught to willingly do this for them.

For what though?

These days, women aren’t the only independent ones.  Like most of them, I don’t really need anyone to do anything for me as far as being in a relationship goes.   I work, I can cook, clean, do my own damn laundry….you know, do my own damn adulting.   Of course intimacy and sex is great, but is outside of that, what else do I need her for.  What else does she really need me for?

So why put her on a pedestal when she’s really only bringing intimacy and sex to the table?   In fact, we both bring that.  Ideally, we’d both make each others’ lives better, but still,  she can pretty much be ok without me.   No need to put anyone on a pedestal.

Instinctively, I think women know this.   It’s why placing her on a pedestal and pandering to her wants is a complete turn off.   She doesn’t know why she’s not attracted to the (blue pill programmed) good guy, but I’m pretty sure it’s because she has conflicting programming installed into her subconscious.   Entitlement vs. the need to earn what she gets.   It’s helps explain why a man can look good on paper(funny, attractive, decent job, fun, etc…), but if he caters to her(as he thinks he should), she’s turned off by him.

The common explanations of him being, boring, too nice, she’ll walk all over him, him being too needy, or he won’t be able to protect her are usually all just sound bites to try to explain the lack of attraction away.

I know too many men who’ve gotten dumped or cheated on who stand up for themselves and will get down with the get down if it comes to protecting their own.   I know of many narcissts who are actually described as self absorbed, cowardly, and boring AF.

I think the conflict is that she is taught to be entitled, but she knows that entitlement isn’t good for her growth as a person.  Sincere men programmed by society often treat her as if she’s earned something she hasn’t and in the end, even though she says she wants that, deep down, she knows she hasn’t earned it.  This makes the guy come across as needy and desperate in her mind, but to his, he’s doing what he thought she wanted.

Our perceptions are fucked on both sides because we are taught that ‘real’ men do this.  We mistake giving her what she actually deserves with giving her what she thinks she’s entitled to.  Did she work for it?  Is she an actual princess?   I mean does she really deserve the extra attention for just having a nice body and some wet wet between her legs?   Just for being her, regardless of what she actually brings to the table?

We do this and they lost interest.   They say they want this, due to programming, but in real life, they don’t.  Many can’t articulate what they really want.   The one’s who’ve had both bad boy and good guy often don’t know what they really want.

The appeal of the narcisstic bad boy is that he doesn’t pander for long.   While he doesn’t really care for real, his actions are more aligned with what’s attractive to them.   I think women prefer to do the chasing.   The prefer the insecurity of not knowing if he’s dependable.   It makes life more interesting for them.   They want to feel as if they earned it. They are the ones who actually like the chase.

The blue pill good guy is great as a safety net for them.   They’ll use his dedication and loyalty against him.  They will often either cheat or use him as a stand in as they look for their real true soul mate… the wealthy bad boy with a heart of gold.    The narcissist who changes his ways because of her.  Ironically, even if he is able to and does, she’ll end up losing interest, so he ends up losing too.  Meanwhile, cheating with the narc sort of gives her a sense of being complete.   Having the love she craves while at the same time having the chase she desires.

That said,  It’s a dangerous game these days to have only one girl.   I think it is better to have at least 2 (3 being optimal) or none at all.   Getting too attached to the one tends to bring out old programming of trying to pander in fear of losing her.   It’s an issue many sincere guys face.

She may be hurt upon discovery that she isn’t the only one, but in real life, she doesn’t really want a guy who is afraid of losing her.   No matter what she is programmed to believe.  Her heart and mind will be conflicted.  Usually, being more emotional, the ‘heart’ (lust) will win.    Once she has the guy who is committed completely to her, game over.   She’s bored.  Congratulations, you played yourself.

Women generally won’t leave a guy if he’s caught cheating. Sure she might complain, try to break up for a little bit, or whatever,  but she’ll run for the hills if he bores her (give her his all).

She may insist that she really wants to be your world, but again  Prince Charming, don’t play yourself.

She also knows that she won’t have a problem replacing your ass with the quickness if she’s at least decent looking.   She probably has a ton of blue pilled simps in line waiting to pander to her.   In general though, she’ll cheat down when it comes to moral equity.

Any one of them will do as a stand in and many guys, oblivious to this tendency, will be willing to do this for her.  Average men (in general) will do almost anything for pussy and often are just as in need of validation as women.  They can make it a sport though for a while though.

She knows that (unless blessed with extraordinary swag or loads of money), we have to put in some work.   It is what it is.

Either way, loving a woman so much that you’d give her the world sounds romantic and good on paper, but experience has taught that it’s 1)not what she really wants and 2)a mindset that is guaranteed to lead to heartbreak and brokenness.

Time to start selling dreams.  Would you like a gift receipt with that?

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t be her man, be her friend

Society often teaches men that grand gestures of love and romance are needed in order to make a woman fall or stay in love.  The problem is that it really isn’t true.   Because I’m going through what I’m going through with my wife, I’ve been somewhat emotionally unavailable.  This put me in a space of wanting relations without the relationship.   From there and knowing the fact that I’m not really emotionally available,   My female friends sort of give me the skinny of how they feel on certain topics, especially ‘nice guys’.   Here’s what I’ve learned.

We/They are just too damn clingy.   If i can be real, even though I tried to give my wife freedom or space to go out with her friends or hang out or whatever, I  cared too much about her.  It gave the impression of desperation.

Women don’t like to be held to a higher standard.    They want to have the freedom to just be themselves without the pressure of feeling judged.  Being too nice makes them feel that they have to play the role of a princess.   It explains why they are attracted to the ‘bad boy’.   If he has a lot of ‘options’ or is seen as attractive, she’ll have sex to see what it’s all about.  You just can’t give off desperation to be with her.     The key is not to get attached to them or see them as wifey material.   The ‘temporariness’ of the whole situation makes them feel more comfortable.

She can be human without the added pressure of hurting someone.  Not saying that they are all hoes or thots or whatever (not saying they aren’t either).  They just like the idea or option of being able to exercise that right that without crushing someone’s world.   The nice guy gives off the impression that if they exercise that option, he’d be crushed and hurt.  That’s a lot of pressure in the current environment of infinite options for many of them.

You have to maintain a sort of aloofness when it comes to dealing with them.  Even though it might seem that they want the dedicated guy.  In actuality, they don’t.   In fact you have to maintain a certain distance in order to get closer.   You really can’t give a fuck about what she does in order to stand a chance.  Even that doesn’t guarantee anything, but a sure way of getting rejected is making her think that she is your world.

She doesn’t want your love man.  We as man often exchange love for validation.  That’s unattractive.

I’m not saying don’t be nice or cool or friendly.   In fact, be those things.    All I’m saying is that we have stop the notion of trying to control her.  Control actually comes from not caring and the less you care, the more control you have ironically.   We have to learn to not get attached or possessive.

We have to love from a distance, allow her to pretty much do whatever the fuck she wants to do, but always stand up and be upfront for what we want.   Most importantly always willing to walk the fuck away if she gets out of pocket.    Never take it personally.   Just be cool.

 

A case for the ‘beta’ male

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot memes about alpha and beta’s when it comes to personality types.   In essence, alphas are good, betas are bad.   The theory is that woman are naturally attracted alpha males while will either use or be repulsed by beta males.

Alpha males it seems have certain characteristics that women find irresitable.   They project strength, certainty, confidence, charisma, and are comfortable in all situations.   They may seem brutish, but are protectors.  They are leaders and don’t follow the rules.  They take control of the situation and handle their business.  They don’t care what others think about them.  They are imposing and dominant in social situations.

Betas on the other hand are seen as weak and pathetic.  They are nice, but the niceness is really a survival strategy because they fear confrontation.   They are followers.  They seek to please others.    They will fold or run under pressure so they aren’t really great protectors.   They are weak physically and mentally.    They whine and don’t take responsibility for their lives.

The above definitions give you a basic understanding what’s implied by the two types, i don’t really subscribe to the theory.   I do think that it’s a lot more complicated.  I think the debate of alpha vs. beta  often implies extroverts vs introverts.

Society as a whole takes this way too far.  I don’t like the term alpha and beta because it implies superiority of one personality type over another.

I mean there are guys who are so called ‘betas’ that could probably kick the average ‘alpha’s’ ass in a fight if it came down to it.   Many men think that being boorish and imposing makes a man an alpha.

As usual, many women are caught up in the hype.  But let me make a case for the ‘beta’ types.

I’ve seen some pretty humble/quiet men who could definitely take out a lot of the so called loud mouthed alphas in a fight.   Anderson Silva for instance.  While reserved and quiet and not imposing at all….he’s a beast in the octagon.   Others include Manny Pacquaio and one of my favorite boxers Vasyl Lomachenko.

While many ‘alpha’ types like Connor McGregor and Adrien Broner can back up their talk and are entertaining to say the least.    Their issues come with huge egos which aren’t great for relationships or stable families.

Many of the loudest, flashiest, and ‘alpha’ types I know of are really pussies in real life.   They talk the talk, but won’t walk it.   These are the types that talk all that rah rah, but won’t do anything.    They are ones who snitch after talking about how real they are.  Ever notice how the ‘shooters’ don’t really say much.   Killers are the quiet ones.   The most serious and dangerous people, when it comes to the game are the real ones.   Notice how you often hear the most popular rappers talk about the ‘goons’ and ‘shooters’ they have on the squad.   Often if you meet these people in real life, they don’t have much to say and aren’t clamoring to be the life of the party.

While not the most exciting people in the world, the beta type is often more reliable and family oriented.    They are loyal to a fault often times.   They get the job done, sit back and don’t wait on acknowledgement.   These are the guys you want on your team.  They are also the guys you don’t want to piss off because they’ll fuck you up without saying too much in advanced.   Often times, you’ll have had to coming to you.

As far as dating, there is a difference between good men and nice guys.   Nice guys do things because they expect something in return.   In reality alpha creeps do the same thing.   They are just more upfront with it.    While often confused with beta’s, nice guys aren’t really the same thing.    Good guy betas often do things because they want to, nice guy betas do things because they want the person to ‘owe’ them something.   I could see how there could be confusion as nice guy betas often employ similar strategies as good guy betas.  But there is a difference.  One way you can tell though is that good guys will not just tell you what you want to hear.   It might sting, but it’s delivered in a way to not hurt your feelings, but more as a suggestion.

Nice guys will pretty much agree with everything and not really check you on your bad behavior.   Or they’ll say it in a way to ‘bring you down’ so to speak as a manipulation tactic.

As mentioned earlier, beta types want to take care of their mates.  They aren’t out there looking for several women at a time.  They are family oriented and tend to want to make sure that their family is good.  They enjoy spending quality time with their kids and wife.   They may come across as clingy, but often times it’s due to either having their trust abused in the past or knowing how the game works.

I’d be considered a beta, but I know how game works.   I know it when I see it and many times I’ve debated with myself for ‘snitching’ on a guy who was running game on my girl.   Usually it falls on deaf ears anyway and I was usually always right, but what’s a guy to do?   They always come back.   But loyalty is a big to me and once trust is broken it’s hard to get it back because I bring that to the table and I do expect that back.

Beta males generally don’t like drama.   They are usually peacemakers and are quite diplomatic in their approach.    Equity and fairness are characterstics that also follow them.   While they might not follow the code of society, they usually follow some code of ethics such as the code of the streets.

They usually aren’t flattering, charming, or have the most swag,  but I’m convinced that the personality type of the beta doesn’t make them in any way weaker or inferior to their more flamboyant alpha brothers.

Perhaps the only area is in attracting and keeping women.   But that says more about the society we live in more than the guys themselves.

One would think that a woman would cherish a beta type guy as he’d pretty much deal with her shit if she’s loyal.  He would want to help her be a better person.   You would think that it would be easier to change his weaknesses than it would be change the player into a husband.   Unfortunately, that’s too much like right.

Meanwhile….I guess in order to get laid, I am alpha enough to get attention.   It works because I’m just enough of both to get attention and keep it for a little while.    I do know that even with my knowledge, it’s easy for me to revert back into beta if I fall in love.  The best thing for now is to stay emotionally unattached, use my strengths, do what I do, but never fall in love as she’ll probably end up cheating or leaving me for not bringing that ‘alpha’ drama in to her life.

Lessons learned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overdosed on the blue pill

It’s weird waking up from the blue pill teaching about women.  All my life, I was taught that part of being a good man was one who put his woman first.   That being nice, providing, helping, and putting her on a pedestal was what she wanted.   That she desired to be treated with kindness by her man.   That we really should try not to hurt her emotionally, be consistent, be honorable, truthful, loyal, her friend, confidant, and lover.    That we should open up doors, pay for dates, pump the gas, buy flowers, and write corny ass love letters (when the time was right of course).  That we should treat her like a princess.

It’s so easy to fall into that trap because society tells us this.  Women often talk about their abusive or cheating ex’s who did them wrong in the past.   My dumb ass used to actually want to show her what it was like to have a man who considered her and treated her well.   In most of my relationships, I wanted to be the guy who actually did ‘right’ by her.  I thought that if she showed enough interest and we started dating, then I should be that guy for her.  That she deserved it.     I thought it would be enough to keep her interested.

Unfortunately, from my experience as well as stories from other men who attempted this, it’s not really what women are attracted to.  Sure it sounds good on paper, but experience shows that this isn’t the case.   In fact, you do these things if you want her to lose interest.     I only technically cheated in one of my relationships and the girl still wanted to try to work on things.   I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every other one.

There I was, the ‘good’ guy, not clingy, giving space, treating them well, considering their feelings before I did things, and acting….ya know….normal.  Selfless and fun.  Giving more than I took.   I think they did love me in a sense, but at the same time, they ended up cheating with some douche or another only to want me back after I found out.

I am/was that ‘sweet’ guy.   Massages, flowers just because, surprise dates, handling the bills, cooking, washing her car, taking it for an oil change, walking her dog, fixing stuff around the house,  faithful….you name it.    I’m not perfect, but I always kept in pretty decent shape, maintained a decent job, and never asked for money or favors unless I really needed them.   Sure, I do drink on the weekends and if they started showing red flags, I snooped in their phones, but still gave them space if they wanted to go out with the girls.   I played fair.   I was honest, but not brutally.   I considered myself in essence a ‘good’, not perfect man.    They’re all still pretty cool with me and have told me later that I ‘am/was’ a good man to them.

The waywardness of my wife was the final straw.  Or so I thought.   It’s so ingrained in me to be kind to women that I find myself doing it by default.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that a woman is obligated to want you just because you’re nice to her.   I just wonder why being nice to her seems to cause her to lose that spark of attraction.   Perhaps it’s the idea that they want someone they can change.  Maybe it’s really about the chase.   If that’s the case, then I have to be redpill because I’m not really about the games.   I prefer peace, not to create/fabricate some drama just to keep her happy.

I don’t think I can do it again, it’s also not my personality to be a ‘bad boy’.  I’ve never intentionally used people for selfish gain.   TBH, I’ve never done bad things to anyone unless I felt like they deserved it.   I’m very patient and forgiving. I’m not afraid to fight for what I believe in and I’m quick to stand up for myself.

That said the evidence points to the fact that it probably isn’t everyone else, it’s probably me.   From what I see, being a blue pill beta was probably the issue.    I’m ok with me and I actually want to treat my so with respect.   I don’t think it’s dysfunctional and don’t want to become dysfunctional in order to keep women.   MGTOW pump and dump is the best way forward for me.   NO ATTACHMENTS.