Staying Strong

Man. I know that I need to disengage. I know that I can’t and don’t trust her. I know that she’s by definition “for the streets”. I have no idea how after all this time, her hooks are still in me. It’s not like I want her back. It’s so strange. Yet something, it’s almost like a craving or something wants me to reach out and talk to her. I really can’t explain it at all. How could I really have any sort of desire for someone who treated and disrespected me so bad? I mean my thoughts about her are never positive.

Love is a drug. But this isn’t love, it’s chemicals. Toxic and addictive. It’s spiritual. It’s like a demon or something. She’s like a succubus energized off my life spirit.

This is a spiritual battle yet I can feel it in my physical somehow. The pain, anxiety….desire for temporary relief. It’s like quitting a drug or something. Whatever that “love”/attachment” drug is, it’s not fun when thrill is gone. Rehab is an annoying but not impossible bitch to overcome.

I was healing so well the first time she left those few months on her travel assignment a few months ago. I feared her coming back. Perhaps this was why. I relapsed somehow even though things never really got back to a good place. I really need time and distance. No contact is a must right now.

I texted today to make sure she made it safely. But from here on out….no more talking. No contact. Only business. This chick is bad news. Fortunately for me, I have time and distance. I can deal with the spirtual/mental/emotional….whatever the fuck it is discomfort. I’ve been here at this place so many times. It’s probably easier for her as she has so many distractions. Other sources of energy. As fucked up as it sounds, it’s probably working in my favor as she won’t really be trying to talk to me like that. She has so many others to feed off of for now. Perhaps my energy won’t be missed enough for her to notice until I’m stronger. Woe to the next man who succumbs to her spell. Here is my chance to get free. That chick is dangerous man.

The way these things work though…..as soon as I’m breaking my addiction, she’ll be trying to call and wonder what’s up. I’ll bet she’ll be able to feel it somehow. But shit, I know the deal. I have to reclaim my power and inner spirit. I can’t let her drain it. I must protect it by all means from her. Stay strong. No contact is the way.

It’s not an easy road, but I’ve done this before…..and it should be easier. I know what I’m facing this time.

Loss of Honor and Respect

I came to the realization this morning of how much this marriage has cost me in my self respect. This whole time, I was so concerned about hurting kiddo that I didn’t think about how steep the price was. As I lay in bed last night next to the stbxw, I felt angry for some reason. I thought about the dirty texts she sent to all those guys. The admission of another physical affair in one of them. The guys telling her to work on the marriage. The lies she told them. The good morning texts. The exchanges that occurred with me and kiddo in earshot while we were sitting around the living room . The pictures of kiddo that she sent to them. The “I love you’s”. The plans they made. The sympathy texts received for the passing of one of her close family members. (That I sacrificed my whole weekend to drive her to). All of that.

I understood why upon first discovery, I wasn’t so mad nor surprised, but this night had me fuming. I couldn’t sleep. Then today, her last day before her 7 month travel assignment, I felt a bit sad that she was leaving. I think that deep down I really did hope that she’d show some remorse or sympathy before she left. I called her, unable to explain a weird feeling that I had. So we talked about it. Actually, it was a venting session. As usual I did most of the talking.

Then I suddenly realized that she had cheated ON ME first. She LIED. I did so much for her. I thought about how she said that she didn’t respect me. Then I realized that she shouldn’t respect me. I wasn’t respecting myself. In order to keep the home from becoming toxic and exposing her to our son (as not to damage their relationship)….I allowed her to stay in the home. I didn’t argue when I suspected that she was texting someone else. I didn’t require her to give me her phone for reassurance. I sat there and took it like a bitch.

I know I made my mistakes in the marriage too, but I was not deserving of that level of blatant disrespect. It all came together. The sudden relapse into selective muteness. The constant anxiety I felt in my stomach and chest. The drinking. I was thinking that since I was out doing my own dirt that perhaps this somehow made up for it all. But in reality, that was a band aid to cover up the internal issues that I wasn’t facing.

I basically allowed her to shit on me for almost 5 years straight. And i sat there and took it. Sure I bitched and complained whenever we had time alone. BUT I DID NOTHING!!! I created this monster.

OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T RESPECT ME.

This is not how any self respecting person should act. I would have taken a bullet for either of them. It was my job to protect them. But giving my life and self respect are two different things. I shouldn’t have even been put in the position to choose between saving my family unit or sacrificing self respect in the first damned place!!! Then to not even get a thank you. Or any sign of remorse. Only more bullshit.

This is not an example of how any man should act. I am setting a horrible example for kiddo. My only son to live by. I don’t care if his own mother blatantly disrespects him as a man. He should never tolerate it. Not from me, not from ANYONE!!! In fact, she disrespected him by disrespecting me to these other men. I am his FATHER for fucks sake. I am disrespecting him by taking this shit.

I am so ashamed as I type this. It took me 5 gotdamned years to realize this!!! I cannot be surprised that she doesn’t respect me at this point. She has been saying with her actions way before saying it with her mouth. Here I was, thinking I was some gotdamned hero or something. As if I were noble in the cause of taking all this shit and doing absolutely nothing but complain. Trying to save her relationship with kiddo like captain save a ho or something. I have always bailed her out. Only for her to use me as some fucking back up plan or safety net. If the relationship with Kiddo was that important, she could have behaved way differently. If this sword is so important for her to carry, then she should fall on it. She needs to take accountability. The fact is, I am enabling her to fuck me over and treat me like this. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was hiding the truth from him and this is something that I am totally against. Hell we told him that santa wasn’t real every since he knew what christmas was. Man. I’m feeling sick to my stomach right now thinking back. Why was it so gotdamned important to have a family unit anyway? The vows mean absolutely NOTHING to her. I am all for sticking out a marriage and working on it. I really meant them when I said it. I burned all my boats behind me when I said them. But bruh. This ain’t it. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard. Why am I torturing myself? I will always be there for kiddo. In the end, this toxic relationship can’t be healthy for him. Avoiding the truth cannot be healthy and nothing good can come of this. I wasted 5 years of my fucking life dealing with this bullshit. Lying. Living a fucking lie!!!

If I cannot love myself, then how in the fuck could I expect her to love me. It’s clear now. It mean it was obvious before. But gotdamned, it’s been right in front of my face the whole time.

For the love of…

       Speaking to my stbxw earlier made me realize that some people’s view of Love is just completely different from mine.   I don’t know if men feel the same way, but hers isn’t atypical of a lot of women on the internet who leave their husbands.     Her primary complaint is that she’s unhappy and honestly doesn’t respect me due to my “lack of ambition.”   When asked WHY if she felt that way, didn’t she say anything or try to inspire or motivate me, she repied…..”Noone motivates me to do anything.” 

         What can I say?  I mean, it isn’t like I’m a lazy bum or anything.   I’ve always worked a decent paying job.  Always brought home a paycheck.   Been there for her and kiddo whenever they needed anything, never abused her, never cheated (well not until her second affair), kept in shape,  and supported her in whatever her dreams or ambitions were….  And yet I’m unworthy of respect?    Who fixed things around the house when they were broken….and figured out the logistics of making things happen?  I did.  

       Who gave her solid advice when she needed it in her personal matters.   I did.   I’ve never stolen from her, taken advantage of the fact that she made more money.   In fact yielded to the fact that we pay 50/50 despite it meant that she kept more of the household income for herself.   It isn’t even like she splurged her extra money on me.  I didn’t ask her to, but in retrospect should have taken it as a red flag.    I took on a part time job in addition to my regular job and still managed to help around the house.   In fact, despite working a similar number of hours (sometimes more) per week, I still did the majority of cooking, cleaning, and raising kiddo.   

      How could she have completed her degree if it wasn’t for me holding it down while she studied?   … And yet, I’m not worthy of RESPECT?   I could see if she says that she lost attraction.   Perhaps attraction is EVERYTHING  to her.   Maybe attraction IS love to her.    But that’s a topic for another blog post. 

     From my perspective.   It is I who (finally) lost respect for her.   She didn’t hold me down.   She was in this marriage for HER benefit alone.   Proven by the fact that instead of doing what was necessary to try and at least advise me that she was unhappy for x,y,z reason, she just bailed.   She broke up our family instead of at least TRYING to fix it.   She is willing to completely walk away and destroy our home without first attempting to save it.   And yet I am the one who’s not worthy of ‘respect’.

        SHE cheated, had multiple affairs, and disrespected her own son’s father…her HUSBAND. … for the sexual gratification of another man’s ego.   Yet I’m the one who shouldn’t be respected.   She is the one who lies, cheats, gaslights, and there are so many other sins against our family….yet she has the audacity to say that I don’t deserve respect.    She broke the trust and our vows with lies and deceit….and yet I am unworthy of basic respect.

           I know that there are two sides to every story, but God help me I am recanting this story as objectively as possible based on the facts and conversations that we have had.  

         I did something that I told myself I wouldn’t do anymore and checked her phone.    It’s worse than I thought.   She is entertaining several men now.   Had sex with a few.   Even started back communicating with both of her affair partners. and an ex boyfriend.    I didn’t let her know that I know.   She seems to throw herself at them…. inviting sexual conversation through sexual innuendos and memes.    She told some new guy that she loves him after 3 months of texting (an possibly hooking up once or twice), told another she wanted to suck his dick…..then told another how much she misses him.  Yet another sent a meme about how she was sitting next day after anal sex. She always told me that she wan’t into it. Neither was I, but it goes to show that this chick does not really have a mind of her own. It’s like she’ll do anything to get someone to like her. Whatever any one of them is into, she is suddenly all about it. She was like that with me. Perhaps this is what they mean by narcs love bombing and being a chameleon. She appears to be a sweet person, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. In fact, when the bible talks about being cautious of the adulturous woman’s lips being sweet as honey and smooth as oil. It really is on point. She truly embodies that based on the texts I’ve seen.

         There seems to be a certain “cognitive dissonance” going on in her head.    I know that there certainly is in mine.   I want to believe (despite all that I’ve experienced and typed) that she’s somehow a good/decent person.   Ironically, some of these men who actually know about me have asked why she doesn’t try to work on things and her response is that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she’s only here for our kid.   Some have even suggested that she try to work on things for the family and yet she insists that she doesn’t want to.    Unsurprisingly (to her character), she tells me that she’s on the fence about things.   Despite them probably fucking her, I can’t help but wonder if they pity me on some level thinking to themselves (damn dude you are married to her?)   She even has suggested how much she “loves” at least three of them.  Apparently, they are ALL easy to talk to….lol    

       It really pisses me off that she sends theses guys pictures of her and kiddo.    I mean seriously why are your you sending these men pictures of our son.    Sure, he’s a handsome kid, but still .   Even worse, these are pics that I took and sent to her at her request.   Talk about disrespectful.

        Yes, she is definitely for the streets as they say.   And ironically, I don’t think that she really knows it.    She really thinks that she is good/decent woman.    She is still pretty (external looks wise)….and although I personally wouldn’t fuck with a married woman….period.    I understand how some men would entertain her for sex.    Especially if she’s basically offering it up on a platter.    I do wonder if any of these guys take her seriously as far as wanting to wife/cuff her.    I mean, seriously, if she is saying these things to them  through text, and considering some of the things she says to me about her (justification)…. who knows in what ways she puts her foot in her mouth as an indictment of her “for the streets” status.

        I really think she is simple minded in certain ways.   Manipulative for sure.   But it’s sort of like watching a person who “thinks” they are smart commit sloppy crimes.   Like, I seriously wonder, wtf in going on in there?  I can’t wrap my head around how she has no conscious.   I mean, I do what I do and sure it’s wrong, but I feel that I do have justification in that 1)she keeps cheating and 2) our sexless marriage is due to her.     Though now, I don’t even want to touch her like that.     I do get horny sometimes (especially if she’s walking around naked), but now that I know the extent of what she does, making love, kissing, and so forth is completely out of the question.    Yeah, don’t judge me, I try to refrain from masturbation as a practice.   And like you haven’t seen a porn star or stripper you’d fuck though not want to wife up or make love to.

           Either way, her lack of loyalty selfishness,, deceitful nature, lack of empathy, laziness when it comes to cooking and cleaning, and tbh selfish/bad to average sex (when I did get it) all outweigh her looks when it comes to wifey.   I would almost pity any man who is foolish enough to actually fall in love with her.   Any man who can’t peep game is either a blue pill simp, being seriously deceived, or just plain ignorant of this type of woman.    

        I am in recovery.      I am glad that I now know the truth or at least more truth about her actions.   I can’t say that I’m hurt anymore.   I’m not really surprised.   In fact, I’m a bit relieved.  It is helping me recover to see more about the “truth” of who she really is.    I am damaged though I must admit.   I can’t see myself falling in love again…  I just can’t see myself wanting to marry anyone.  

I want sex without being attached too much.    I don’t want a woman who can just out the blue decide that she wants out of a committed relationship.  Especially if I didn’t do anything wrong.     Obviously I’ll have to let her go.   But the lesson of “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” has been burned into my mind.   Perhaps she killed the idea of a pure innocent reciprocated true love for me.   Perhaps this was my “wake up kid, Santa aint real” moment.

           But does this make me toxic now?   I mean I wonder how honest or faithful…..can I be t this point….. It truly seems that truly loving a woman with your heart is a recipe for losing her.    Yet, if she is sincere, I don’t want to damage her either.       I can’t bring over this hurt to any future relationships.    Yeah, I need to reset and recalibrate.  

I also have to admit my faults in this as well.

     I lacked prudence and leadership.   I allowed the fact that she made more money than me cause me to compromise what I know to be right as far how we handle the household income.   This prevented us from really planning our future.    I lacked confidence to take the lead as far a securing a house (as I never know how much we could really afford).   I gave her too much authority. I treated her as more of a partner than a wife.   I didn’t fight too hard when it came to privacy when it comes to cell phones.   I allowed her to cross too many boundaries without properly checking her and putting consequences in place.   I should have been able to walk away while she respected me if she didn’t compromise.   I should have fought harder for transparency.    I compromised way too much.    I didn’t hold her accountable for her mistakes as I should have.    I allowed to love of our family unit and commitment to our vows to override my self respect.   I put her happiness above my principles.    I didn’t act as a MAN.  I allowed this feminist propaganda to turn me into a beta male mindset.   I didn’t stand on my own 10 and make it my way or the highway.   

     It’s sort of hard to do when the only consequence I could impose is breaking up the family though.   It isn’t like I had the power to beat her ass when she got out of line.    She made the most money, so I couldn’t take a “lifestyle” away from her.    5 years of game is a long time to keep a chick, so I aint really mad at myself for that.   But I acted/compromised out of fear of losing my family and ironically, it seems that all of this acting has finally manifested in ways I never thought would happen.  

     Confidence truly is key.    Or at least that’s my take away.   I can’t say if we failed due to her selfishness or my lack of confidence.   Perhaps it was a combination of both.   Either way, it seems that things are beyond the scope of fixing.    I know that confidence is key,  but I really don’t think that I want this anymore.   She’s tainted.   She can’t be trusted.   Had she been more honest, real, inspirational, loving, selfless and I lost her then I would feel worse about it.   Perhaps I would be motivated to BE better for her.   I’ll do better for me for sure and hopefully be a better example for kiddo….    But damn man.   I can’t, for her when she is truly for the streets.      It sucks to lose your family unit.   

          

           

Masterpiece Mouthpiece

The gift of gab is the main talent that I wish that I possessed. People who are able to riff on on and on about anything seem to have an uncanny ability to influence the people and world around them. I know people who seem to never run out of things to say. One down side is that many can never seem to shut the fuck up and always have to say something. However, the downsides would be worth the benefits in my opinion.

I seem to have the opposite problem. Instead of always talking, I seem to rarely have anything to say. Even when I want to talk, it’s like my mind can’t think of anything. When it’s my turn to talk, my mind sort of defaults to answering questions directly or saying very obvious things without much added context. I don’t know why this is.

Talking and humor seem to be this weird ass phenomena that seems to simple and yet it blows me. It’s not like when people are talking, they say things that blow my mind. They are JUST WORDS. English. I’ve been speaking it since a child. I comprehend very well. And yet, words seem to elude me when I have to just talk. Humor is the same way, I can laugh at jokes. Like, I get it. I even catch many of the double and triple entendres that great rappers spit when speaking. I recognize the humor in them. I’ve even explained jokes to people that went over their heads. Given enough time, i can ocassionally come up with ‘funny’ ish, especially when texting. I can find the humor in all sorts of comedians, even some of the less popular ones.

Yet it seems that I cannot recreate them on my own in real time. What the fuck is that? I know a lot of words and phrases. I mean I can speak coherent sentences. It’s like playing an instrument where it takes tons and tons of practice. It would be like if I carried a guitar around every day and plucked the strings, but after 40 something years of living, could recognize a song, but still couldn’t play a damned thing. I’m literally sitting here using words to express ideas as I type this.

I really think that this is my biggest problem in life. I’m not really shy. I wouldn’t mind being the center of attention IF I had a ‘voice’. The main cause of any kind of social anxiety is normally based on the fact that I worry that I won’t have anything to say. Even with my close family, who I don’t think ‘judge’ me, still, I still can’t just let my words take over.

If I’m honest, I think that this problem has been the root of all sorts of evils in my life. The only reason I started drinking and smoking weed was because it was the only time I was able to talk freely. Luckily, cocaine has always been a bit difficult for me to come by else I might have succumb to the temptation more often. Ecstacy is also a drug that allows me to express myself verbally. To be honest I don’t understand why some people who have this gift drink so much. The only reason I drink as often as I do is so that I can sometimes talk to people.

What the fuck is it? This has been a problem for most of my life. In college, I remember going to the computer lab and spending hours on hours on the internet looking for possible solutions. There, I learned about anxiety disorders, social anxiety, hell, I even thought that low self esteem was the cause. You could say that I majored in pop psychology. I could literally write a book on the subject. However, if anything, my esteem is lowered because of the issue. I don’t talk because I have low self esteem, I have low self esteem because I don’t talk. I know this. I looked into getting SSRI’s and all sorts of medication to help. It does somewhat, but drinking along with it seems to fully dissipate my ‘muteness’.

I’ve missed out on so many women because of this. I’m a fairly decent looking / handsome guy (from what I’m told) and I can only imagine if I had the words/game/charisma to go with it. In fact, if I’m honest, most of the women I was able to successfully seduce came because most of our interactions involved alcohol. I just feel different, but I can’t explain how exactly. Of course, I can’t stay drunk or do drugs all the time for obvious reasons.

If I’m really, really honest, I believe that it’s the main reason why my stbxw fell out of love with me. I think it’s also part of why I fear falling in love again. I thought she loved me for me and even though, sometimes my selective mutism is worse than others, I thought that it was something I was close to overcoming. This is why I cannot recommend using alcohol as a crutch as I’m a different person when sober. It doesn’t help that her family is full of people who have this gift.

I often find myself disagreeing with some of the points of people who talk easily so it’s not like I think they’re some super geniuses or something. I do admire the ability, but I don’t think they are all superior to me intellectually. I may not be a genuis, but I am at the very least competent intellectually. I’m not mesmerized to the point of thinking that they are superior to me in every aspect of life.

Who knows how many opportunities I’ve missed out on professionally due to this? Due to the way that I look, I think that people expect certain leadership qualities out of me. I’ve been given plenty of opportunites based on this. When people say that looks matter, I can say that it will open certain doors for you, but it’s your verbal game that will see you through. In fact, I think that game is more important than money, looks, and status when it comes to getting and keeping women. The latter three can get your foot in the door, but the former can get your foot in and as well as get you a permanent residence.

I don’t know what to say. A lifetime of this has kept me pretty humble It’s like hell on earth sometimes. It’ like the heavens are just arms length away and yet I can never reach them.

Intuitively, it feels like just one or two things have to just “click” in my mind and I got it. It’s like I’m on the verge of having it. I know that I can do it, as I’ve done it when under the influence. Yet when sober and it gets down to it, the best way I can describe it as a mental misfire. I hate that part. How is it that people can just effortlessly do this so often and yet I struggle so much. Even some “stupid” people with no logic, reasoning or sense seem to do this better.

I’ve tried self hypnosis, but so far, to no avail. I read a lot on pick up (how to get women)….but those are only lines and theories about “frame”. It’s not effortless like ‘naturals’. To me, it seems that some people can just talk as easily as they breathe. It just seems so easy and natural and yet, it’s like something is holding me back.

I’ve looked into learning improv games, tried break down jokes into their elements, learned about punchlines and timing, and all sorts of other comedic techniques. I’ve tried to study comedians to see how they funny. And yet, nothing seems to stick. Plus it seems to just be natural for some people. I’m not trying to be a comedian so to speak, just a person who says funny shit sometimes and can communicate more often in the language of words as opposed to silence.

I”m not conscious of any ‘pressure’ to have to say something most of the time, but yet it would be nice to be able to be more normal in this regard. It’s as if spiritually, I’m disconnected or something. Like a frequency that I can’t quite tune into for some reason. I sometimes wonder if I’m just high on the autistic spectrum. But even still, I’m pretty empathic and am pretty good at reading social queues.

I’m a “nice guy” because in general the best response when you can’t think of anything else to say is to be nice. I mostly like most people and see no reason to be an asshole simply because my mind isn’t producing the words. I’ll disagree when necessary, but don’t expect riveting response advocating my position unless asked. I know the difference between people seeking comfort and people seeking advice.

I really hate being one of those poeple who people like, but feel like a charity case because I am so nice. What gives?

Man, I dunno, I just wish that I could think of things to say.

Why is it taking so long to manifest?

I’ve been listening to a lot of law of attraction videos over the past few years. I’m learning how to consciously manifest my reality.

Here are a few assumptions of my learnings:

1)We always manifest the conditions of our lives (purposefully or not)

2)We can choose what to manifest in our lives by imagining/feeling the desired outcomes prior to them happening in the real world

3)It may take some time and we don’t necessarily determine “how” it will happen, but just have faith that it will.

4)Internal faith should be more powerful than what external circumstances may presently show us.

5)We may contain limiting beliefs in our subconscious that prevent us from manifesting reality in the way we desire.

I could go into details about each of these assumptions, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll say that I decided to put these assumptions in to action. To do this, I would go into a meditative state….and visualize the outcomes I desire as if I already had them.

I desire a 2021 Dodge Ram 1500 sports edition pickup. I went to the dealership and looked inside of the truck. I touched it, took a picture in my cell phone. Imagined myself sitting inside of it. Cranking it up. Hearing the engine start. I imagined the feel of seats against my body. The “new car” smell. I imagined rolling the windows down and feeling the wind against my face. I imagined gripping the steering wheel. I imaged how it would “feel” to know that I owned this truck. I suspended all forms of disbelief thinking that I cannot afford this and in fact, that it really didn’t cost me anything significant price wise. I felt gratitude for owning this truck. I tried to imagine every detail of the experience having and owning this truck.

It’s been a few weeks, and so far, it seems (from my 5 senses) that I’m no closer to getting this truck than I was when I first started doing this. It’s not that I’m discouraged, but it has me wondering why it takes longer for somethings than another.

After learning of these techniques, I have also applied them to making love to my lover. And coincidentally or not, I’ve heard her say things that I imagined she would. I’ve even tried some of them on my wife. From a sexual aspect. It seemed to work as I had to tell her “just kidding” once or twice. Dunno what the fuck is up with that. Quick digression, I don’t know what I want from her specifically in this relationship, so I don’t know how to manifest other things from her though, but that’s another topic.

In addition to the truck thing, I’ve also tried to manifest, “being funny” and talkative. Perhaps I can do better with this. I’ll try again this afternoon and see if I can actually get people to laugh. It seems to work on my lover as before we talk, I try to consciously say to myself. “This is going to be a good/funny conversation.” It always is, but i do need to remember to show gratitude at the end. I say to myself really quickly before sex that it’s going to be amazing….and it is.

The thing in those situations is that I’m not really going all out to visualize the events leading up to the outcome, but mostly how I would like to feel after the event is over. It ony takes a few seconds….right before the event and it seems that I don’t have to continuously dwell upon the outcome in order to experience it.

The desired outcomes also work when driving ride share. When I remember, I consciously tell myself in my mind “I like you, you like me, this is going to be fun.” And the conversation is pleasant and interesting. Of course, for the sake of integrity, I will say that it could possibly be the case that I’m counting the hits and forgetting the misses. Still though, I do beleive that this effect, whether placebo or not seems to have something to the success of getting an desired outcome.

I once wanted a 1998 Toyota 4 runner. There was one for sale in a lot near an apartment complex I used to live in. I used to walk up there and look at it. I walked around it. I looked inside of it. I thought of how much I’d like to have one even though at the time, I didn’t have a plan to get it. A few months later, I won a scratch off lottery ticket for 50k. After taxes an so forth, it was around 32k. I wasn’t going to buy one since I already had a car, but mysteriously one day (i still have no idea how this happened) while getting a haircut it caught on fire while I was inside of the shop. Due to that fact, I found and bought the exact year and model Toyota 4runner cash for a great price.

I’m a tech person and whenever a new piece of tech comes out that I deeply desire, no matter the cost, it seems that something in me knows that I will have it. I usually end up getting it.

But the thing is that it doesn’t seem to take all of that visualization and imagination. I didn’t take much time in thinking about winning the scratch off though I do recall thinking how dope it would be that weekend if I did. I met a chick once before my wife who really wanted to get with. She was engaged, but a few months later, I ended up meeting my stbxw who looked (physically) like her.

I guess the thing that I’m trying to figure out is …it seems that I’ve manifested unexpected things in my past, but yet how? It seems that I’m getting some results now, but why not with others. The main difference so far is that it seems that I didn’t / don’t spend too much time dwelling on the desired outcome in the form of visualization or imagination.

It seems that I simply state what I want right beforehand (in my mind) and create a quick mental image of how it would feel once I had it. Perhaps this is the key. Maybe all the rest (meditative state/visualization etc) is too much. I’ll test it out this afternoon and see how it works.

The specific technique is to

1)articulate specifically what I want the desired outcome to be in my mind

2)imagine what it feels like to have it fulfilled

I’m not shy, but here’s the thing

I think that my biggest problem has always been a lack of game. Game is pretty much speaking and acting in a certain way to people. It’s a form of small talk I suppose, but with humor and wit added in. A lot of times, I often find myself befuddled for words in this type of setting in general. This is so strange to me because I consider myself pretty smart. I don’t have a problem keeping up with conversations in my mind. I can hear funny shit and laugh. I can roast the shit out of people when i get warmed up. I can even say some pretty clever things when i freestyle and get warmed up ( i mention this for an important reason). People rarely say anything mind blowing or unheard of to me in every day conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I can answer questions and ask them. I’m not a complete mute. Ironically, one of my strong suites is creating rapport as I am a pretty good listener and my energy is calm. I tend to over think things, so I do consider things from several perspectives before giving my honest opinion.

But as far as quick thinking and witty banter goes, I don’t know why the words just won’t come (unless I’ve been drinking). It’s not like I feel nervous or anything. I don’t feel like i have anything to hide. I don’t feel that my opinion is irrelevant no any more or less important than anyone else’s.

I don’t think that witty banter or conversation should be that hard tbh. I mean I can follow along and follow the reasoning behind what others say. I don’t really think that they are more intelligent than me (on average). TBH, some people sometimes say some stupid shit, but it doesn’t seem to bother them or stop their flow.

But for me though, it’s like my brain just can’t think of anything to say. I don’t even worry about saying it aloud as many people have adapted to the fact that I usually don’t say much. But damn, i usually can’t even think of a snarky comeback or something that adds to the conversation outside of regular mundane small talk. I don’t think that they hate me, but I probably wouldn’t be they guy they’d want to go out and have a beer with.

This has been something that I’ve known since I was a child. I read ton’s of self help books /articles in and since college trying to figure this out. From my online research (google university) i could suffer from anything from: general depression, social anxiety, social phobia, maybe I’m slightly autisitic, too much masturbation (pre semen retention days), maybe I lack confidence, maybe I’m a beta male, maybe some people were born with the gift of gab and others not so much, maybe i give too many fucks, maybe I give too few. Who the fuck really knows. I have no clue and all of it could be right or wrong.

But this has been a real problem for me and I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so socially weird that I stand out like a sore thumb and I usually have enough autonomy and social acumen that I can generally get out of social situations before everyone figures it out. I mean, I can talk to people. But it’s more cringe or business than fun and most of the time. I usually walk away feeling worse about myself for a few minutes. There have been a few people in my life who i actually have fun with, but these people are rare to find. But the cool thing is that once we made that bond and reconnect years later, it’s like we’re right back to where we were. It’s effortless.

My therapist asked why it was such a big deal to me. I hate when they ask stupid questions like he doesn’t know the answer to it. As a man (especially a black man) he should know that there is so much pressure to have the right things to say. People subconsciously judge you a lot on that. I honestly think that part of the reason why my stbxw is unhappy with me is because of my slow tongue. I do also feel that I have missed out getting certain jobs or promotions because of this.

I do think that looks are very important. I’m not a bad looking guy and I know that I’ve been given a lot of grace when it comes to women and opportunity because of that. Plus my ability to gain rapport with people in a one on one setting helps. But I come across as a “nice guy.” I am so cordial because I really can’t think of anything else to say most of the time. And we know how that goes. On the flip side, i think that most women expect me to be able to talk better than I do and probably get disappointed when I don’t.

Wins and losses, but at least now I know that i can never really love a woman for real because once she finds out my “secret” she’ll lose attraction. Women love men who talk and when you don’t talk like that, you don’t appear “confident”. I do feel confident, capable, and competent enough as a man overall. It’s just this inability to “talk” or be more “clever” that vexes me.

I do know that I would do way better with women if i could talk better. But I cannot drink alcohol all the time though. I’ve turned to drugs in the past to help with this. I’ve even tried anti depressants. Maybe I didn’t give them enough time to work, but the real reason I was so depressed was because of this condition.

This shit is so fucking frustrating. I read, hear words, and think them to myself all damned day. Yet when it’s time to speak them, I can’t think of the right ones (outside of the cordial shit) to say. Like my brain draws a blank. Like there’s a misfire or something in my head.

The reason why I mentioned roasting and rapping earlier is because i think I’ve discovered a natural way to possibly over come this. I noticed that if I get into a flow if I’m roasting someone or freestyling, the words just come from nowhere. I don’t have to think of what to say, it just comes out.

Maybe good banter comes from a similar vibe. I’m trying to figure out how to do it. I mean I am thinking to myself all the time, but why doesn’t that translate in to better conversations though? Maybe if i consciously roast and freestyle in my head, when it’s time to talk, i’ll be in the right space.

I’ve been at this for 30 something years now. Maybe today will be the day I finally figure this shit out.

Baby steps towards the finish

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A funny thing about life…. at times I feel too comfortable to do something about it. The STBXW seems to be getting increasingly disrespectful by the day. And it seems that I respect her less and less for it. It’s so crazy how it appears that she has me by the balls. All because I don’t want to hurt kiddo. I don’t think that she realizes that my fear of hurting him is giving her this power. But by not reclaiming my power, I am enabling her to continue to treat me disrespectfully. As I predicted (possibly phophecied) things are getting worse. It’s becoming more and more apparent that she’s for the streets.

She wasn’t always like this….I don’t think. But she has really changed for the worse. Her morals and sense of right and wrong has declined. She’s lacks any sort of moral compass it seems. She is lazier than ever. She’s is becoming more selfish. It’s really bad around there and I need for her to leave. There is no reasoning with her.

I’m not used to living with “bad” people. In redpill communities, there is a debate between AWALT vs NAWALT. “All women are like that” vs “Not all women are like that.” Many say that “all are”. Many say that some are. Most probably say that all are. I can’t objectively speak on percentages, of those like that vs those who aren’t. I don’t know all women and I know a few who don’t seem to be that way. But in either case, SHE IS like that. Had I known she would end up “like that”, I wouldn’t have started a family with her.

I read an article about the 5 types of women who make bad wives. It should have been characteristics of a bad wife as she embodies aspects of each type of woman. She plans on going out and spending the night with a female freind tomorrow night (wednesday). The same one she’s always talking to and texting and going out with. I don’t know if I believe that. Who goes out in the same city and sleeps overnight in a hotel on a week night. She’s a mother and wife who hasn’t worked in 7 months. She can’t be stressed about work. She’s spending money on a hotel, so apparently she isn’t worried about money. It isn’t like she cleans or cooks consistently so she can’t blame too much housework for being stressed. But yet, she won’t leave.

Last night, I was sitting there listening to kiddo sing a song about happy days. She started singing along with him. It was a catchy song, but listening to his innocent voice singing this happy song almost cracked me up on the inside. Then hearing her sing along with him…. as if she has no cares in the world…..while treating me this way was a mind fuck. Dunno man, I know that my subjective perspective is probably creating this mental hell for me…..but still, there is a line between reframing “the facts” and ignoring reality. I need to cut her out ASAP.

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and wanted to let her know that in the next few days I’d be searching for one. I asked her to start thinking about a noncontested divorce vs a contested one since it costs way more money. Conventional wisdom says that I shouldn’t tell her about my plans….even though the lawyer thought that it might be good idea if I do….as not to blindside her. I’m assuming he’s thinking that the gesture of “good faith” can help things from becoming too contentious. I want to work with her and be as amicable as possible for kiddo’s sake. We just need to get this done.

Even though I don’t really want to be with her anymore I wish that someday she would look back and see how terribly she behaved and treated me. I’d want her to look at how she was so instrumental in destroying our home and marriage. I’d like for her to really be sorry, but not out of any sense of desperation to get it back…..(though I have at times wondered what it would feel like if she came crawling back)…. but out of true remorse. I don’t know why it would matter by then though. Hopefully, for me, I won’t even need her apology because I will have moved on with my life.

Finding the Right Way

I am learning that perhaps all is truly fair in love and war. This possibly includes deception and hiding the truth. I don’t really believe that. The fact is, is that it’s sometimes hard to stand on the truth, no matter how fair you want to be. It’s easy to say to be honest, but it gets so hard sometimes. Especially when you might end up hurting someone who doesn’t deserve it.

I lied to my lover this weekend about the fact that my stbxw was at home with kiddo. She wanted me to spend the night, but I declined. When asked why, I responded with he was staying with a friend and so I had to pick him up early. I think I must have forgotten to mention to her that she had moved back in.

She’s already somewhat jaded about the fact that I’m taking so long to get on with the divorce already. She’s been understanding for a LONG time and is probably starting to feel a bit crabby about dealing with my bullshit for so long. I mean I can’t keep using kiddo as an excuse.

STBXW is a really complicated situation for me. As far as I can tell, she isn’t really seeing anyone right now. (at least seriously), but still hasn’t said anything about fixing things between us. I keep telling her that it’s too late….the trust is gone. We lack communication skills…..etc. And while I do believe that, I sometimes wonder if the nature of her codependency leads her to also have a sense of doom and gloom as far as an “us” goes. As the man of the house, I figure that I am the leader. They follow my lead, subconsiously anyway.

She definitely isn’t a leader. Her indecision and lack of discipline, and femininity prevents her from being able lead. That is something that I somewhat like about her. Well the fact that she doesn’t fight or argue much. The problem is that she fails to govern herself and is a bit too codependent. This COULD work if she weren’t sneaky, didn’t lack integrity, secretive, selfish, and lacking in self reflection.

I could see how a man who has the type A, do as I say, here is my plan, be on my agenda, could dominate her without too much work. In retrospect, it’s not hard to see how her ex lover could have convinced her to betray me the way that he did. She lacks personal conviction and the guy (at least from what I can tell) is more “alpha” (type A) than I am. Don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t make him a better man than me. I feel that I could beat his ass in a fight. At war, I wouldn’t fear him and I don’t think he could outsmart me on a battlefield. In the streets, I mean, I wouldn’t have anything to lose either. I peeped other weaknesses about him in the limited interactions we’ve had, but this isn’t really about that.

I can be indecisive as well which is why my ideal wife would be able to help me think through some of these things. It’s hard for me to simply live for myself without considering those around me. I have a more utilitarian view of the structure of marriage where….even though I am the head/lead of the house, my wife is my number 1 counsel. Especially in matters where it deals with the household. For that, I need to be able to trust and communicate with her. In order for us to be on the same page, we’d have to hold ourselves accountable to and for each other. Our values when it comes to loyalty, love, and respect would have to be similar. I don’t want to feel like I have manipulate or dominate her into this.

Over the years, she’s shown me that they aren’t. The “small things” we disagreed about over the years….including privacy, how to divy up finances, the role of “platonic” friends in our lives, taking personal responsibility to and for each other have made realize that perhaps we may not jut be on different pages, but in different books entirely.

It’s not the fact that she made a few mistakes here and there. But the magnitude and level of them is the problem. Her response to them is an issue. But the truth is that The fact that she was able to do them in the first place is a huge indicator that her mindset and mine were totally different. It should be no surprise that her response to them wouldn’t be something that I could I could find satisfactory.

We just think and believe so differently. And knowing this is enough to make believe that there will be no reckoning or awaking for her. I just can’t trust that she won’t do it again. I believe that she doesn’t really recognize the level of cruelty in her actions. Lacking self reflection and empathy is a recipe for a repeated performance. It would take for her to really hit rock bottom and even then, there is no guarantee that she’d really get it. This is why, even though I wouldn’t wish this pain on almost anyone, she would be a person I wish could experience this. Not necessarily out of revenge or fairness, but maybe so she’d get the lesson as to WHY what she did was so bad.

I don’t think that she loves me enough as a person where I could do this to her. Her heart isn’t with me. Yeah, I might be having my own affair, but it isn’t for revenge. I sort of got caught up with someone who I never expected to. I wasn’t seeking ANYTHING long term. It never would have occurred to me that we would be dealing with each other for this long. Over time, I’ve grown to love her in a certain way, but not in that goofy “I’m so in love with you and I can’t live without you” sort of way. I do love being loved though. Whether she really gave her heart to me or not I can’t be certain. But it certainly feels that way sometimes. But she has also said a few things (out of ignorance perhaps) that give me pause as far as just letting go with her. Perhaps I’m bitter or perhaps I’m a realist. Perhaps I really just don’t love her like that or maybe I fear to do so….either way, my priority is to be able to figure things out with STBXW in a way that doesn’t permanaently damage kiddo.

Unfortunately, this involves me making her part of my complicated issues and in ways it does hurt her. To shield her from this pain, I lied to her “by omission” that STBXW had moved back in.

STBXW got in the bed with me the other night and wanted to fool around….i think. She didn’t say so, but was naked and was laying on me. I can’t front, things were pretty hard, but all I could think about how fucked up it was that if I did do it, I wouldn’t be able to tell my lover that. I was already feeling pretty shitty that I had to lie about STBXW being back. But having sex would have made me feel worse. Though I do understand that lying is also a pretty shitty thing to do too. I really cherished the ability for us to be honest with one another. So yeah, I fucked that up. But I mean, I probably could have had sex with STBXW and my lover wouldn’t have found out. That should count for something….right?

I instead pretended not get the “signal” and started an argument asking why she was “fucking with me and trying to talk while I was sleeping”. It worked because she’d been doing me like that for years.

I don’t think I’m totally head over heels for my lover, but I don’t want to treat her unfairly. I don’t know if she’d do the same for me, but all I can do is be responsible for my actions. I can’t worry about if she would sneak around on me. I haven’t caught her in any real lies and even though I don’t have that desperate love for her like that. Maybe I fear karma or maybe, it just doesn’t seem right. It does help me maintain frame as a fortunate side effect. Desperately loving someone seems to have the unfortunate side effect of blowing up in your face. At least, that has been my experience. With the converse generally going like how my situation with my lover has been. Dunno, sometimes I think that “love” is a joker. The less you love someone, the more they love you. Maybe my lover would actually love me more on a psycho/spritual/meta level if I did engage with sex with STBXW and lie “by omission” about it. Shit be like that when it comes to love it seems. But for now, I’m just trying to find balance without busting my ass.

I can forgive STBXW for her indescretions. I mean I really don’t think that she knows what she’s doing. Better yet, she is just who she is.

For example, I asked her why would she be ok with engaging in a selfish type of sex she allowed me to watch her pleasure herself, but wouldn’t allow me to penetrate. (That did happen a few times and I am ashamed of being so thirsty and lacking of self respect.) But anyway, I asked what if I let her watch me pleasure myself, knowing that she wanted sex (and was rejected every time she asked), but instead, got off and went to sleep. Her answer: “yeah, that is kind of selfish now that I think about it.”

“Yeah…..but you had to think about it… and that’s a problem.” I told her. I mean seriously, shouldn’t someone just “know” this stuff? I’m no master saint, but come on.

I know that I wouldn’t want my s/o to have to beg me for sex and only give her the satisfaction of watching me get myself off. I would like to think that I’d just know that this is not right….if not downright abusive. Especially if I had already done the things to her that she did to me. Especially knowing that the only reason she “forgave” me was because we neither want to hurt kiddo.

I’m not asking for sympathy as I have to take responsibility for putting myself in that situation to begin with. The level of abuse and toxicity is only going to get worse if I allow it. To my credit, the last time she tried to pull that shit, I cursed her out and she hasn’t tried it since.

I found out friday that my job benefits will actually pay for 20hrs with a divorce attorney. Here’s something trippy. A small voice in my head is telling me not to pursue it. I don’t know why this is. I’ve described in the last 4 years or so in this blog how terrible she is to me. And yet, there is some level of something that is telling me to slow down. As if I haven’t been patient enough. I did find relief in that I can use this as a sort of ace in the hole once if find out she’s back on the bullshit. Yet what more evidence do I need though. If she isn’t doing it now, it would just be a matter of time before she’s on it again.

I don’t hate her, I realize who she is and that she’s just not a good wife for me. It doesn’t make her a terrible mother or hitler or anyone. Just not a good partner. At least for me. We just have to figure out how to transition. Actually, scratch that, I have to figure out how to transition. She’s going to flounder her way around until either some dude tells her what to do or she stumbles into something. While using me as a safety net. Sure it works for her, but since she doesn’t love me back and I lack the capacity to hurt her back…. all this is doing is causing me to lower myself. For heaven’s sake, I am having an affair and I’m worried about hurting my affair partner. Despite the circumstances of how I got here, I am here so I fucked something up pretty bad.

I’d be the one suffering with low esteem, lack of sex and intimacy, possibly missing out on a s/o, and wasted emotional energy figuring out things that should be straightforward. Yeah, the next step into faith is following up with finding a divorce attorney to begin the process. I still haven’t figured out how to tell kiddo.

Ah, the joys of marriage.

What is wrong with Me?

I’m feel so stupid sometimes. STBXW is still here and I slowly feel myself wanting to try to work on things with her. She still hasn’t shown me any remorse and I really don’t know if she’s dealing with someone else. She still won’t let me see her phone. Whenever she does ANYTHING unpredictable, goes out with a friend, or doesn’t answer phone immediately, there is a big large part of me that thinks that she’s on some bullshit. She’s on the phone all the time, like most people, these days, but if I see her smiling too big or looking “suspicious”, then I’m thinking she’s talking to someone else.

I know that she gets a ton of notifications on instagram, but I don’t know if it’s just because someone she follows posted something or if it’s a dm. I saw a snapchat notification on her lockscreen, but when asked if she uses snapchat, she says that she doesn’t use it. She started going out a lot with her female friend and this chick is constantly talking to her and sending her text messages. I do know that her friend is a real “talker”. Like the type that NEVER runs out of things to say, so I know that she could be telling the truth about that. But at the same time, she could be using her as a cover. I mean friends are friends, but damn. Talkng to her every day and then receiving texts a lot seems like A LOT.

It’s no use in confronting her as either 1)I’m wrong and will come across as insecure or 2)She’ll just lie about it. I don’t know why in the fuck I’m feeling this way. I shouldn’t have to worry about this. I’ve told her these exact things and she’ll say that she understands, but still won’t offer the phone as reassurance. She still never said anything about actually trying to fix tihngs, but pretty much acts like she’s on the fence still.

I know this is unacceptable behavior. I don’t trust her. She knows this and doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to feel this way. I find myself sighing a lot when she’s around, but I just can’t let my guard down enough to just relax and have fun. I know that it is a defensive mechanism and I’m ok with that. But still, I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. I just need for her to leave. it’s like it’s delaying my healing process. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around her. I feel judged and used. I feel like a loser around her. I feel like a sucker ass lil bitch. I feel like the female victim in a lifetime movie or something. Ironic because I could never see myself abusing a woman like that mentally. Well techincally not, but I now know that I have to do fucked up things sometimes to keep a woman from getting ‘bored.’ This has gotten way out of hand. I need to start over.

I can’t even manifest properly because I don’t know what I want from her. At all. I don’t know if I want her back enough to set that as an intention. I wnat her to change, but I don’t trust her enough to trust the process enough to put my heart into it. this is truly torture. I can’t stand it man. I feel stuck. I just want her to leave. I mean she’s shown time and time again that her character isn’t that of someone I can trust. I don’t know why my stupid mind won’t just let go completely.

Why do I have to get so angry. Her inconsistency seems to be rooted in either selfishness or deceit. Probably both. I just want to be OVER it.

I know that I can’t control her. Only me. And yet that seems difficult at times. I was getting so much better as far as letting go. I still don’t know why her presence is so vexing to me. A man should have peace. Forget that, a person should have peace in their home. I mean really, I don’t love her and I honestly believe that time away would help me immensely to get over this. If she had never come back, how much further along would I be? Kiddo and I would have our new norm.

This chick is such a fucking burden on my mind. It makes me feel emasculated. I feel so defeated when it comes to her. She is such a toxic person and it’s really wearing me down. She doesn’t even realize nor care. My vision seems cloudy and energy sapped when it comes to the future. I feel like I’m drowning over here at times.

Yet for the most part. I have so much to be happy about. I’m getting the intimacy I want from my lover, for now. I mean I’m not so clingy or jealous of her. We have just enough space to miss each other in a good way in my opinion. It seems pretty effortless for now. We laugh, joke, and have fun together. I find myself singing and dancing when I’m over there. I feel more quick witted and we can get each others’ jokes. She likes my body gains and sex is nothing less than amazing. (Yes I know I’m hypocritical at this point, but still, I wouldn’t even be in this situation if STBXW wasn’t such an unfaithful bitch (describing her actions but not meant in a degrading way) to me for so long). My job is going pretty good. My money is decent. I’m spending quality time with kiddo. I’m working out pretty much every day. My body is getting right. My hobbies are still interesting and fun to me. The relationships with my family and friends are pretty good. Bills paid on time.

But all of this sunshine seems blotted out by this one dark cloud that’s hanging over me. If she just didn’t live with me. She could do whatever the fuck she wants to do, just not while living in the house with me. Is that really too much to ask? Hell, there is no way in the HELL I’d want to be with a woman who’s so fucking self centered. I think she’s patently and genuinely ignorant and selfish. We don’t even have much in common. yet I feel judged by her (probably because I judge her so much). I feel a certain way if I play video games when she’s around. Then there is the awkward silence between us. I’m not much of a talker to her, and it brings old feelings of insecurity from back when I was shy and couldn’t think of anything to say. In a way, I feel that if I made her laugh more consistently, then maybe she’d be more open to fixing things. It’s as if deep down, I blame myself for that part. Perhaps it’s why (in addition to the cheating, trust, and communication issues we have), I silently judge her for being lazy, unclean, and hypocritical. She blames the problem on me being content in life(which in certain ways, she’s right). I am a pretty simply guy and I don’t feel the need to “build an empire” just for fucks sake. I’m not materialistic as far as needing a new Mercades Benz, designer clothes, expensive vacays, or a big fancy house on the hill. But I do understand that most women are attracted to “ambitious” and wealthy men.

But I think she’s a hypocrite because she hasn’t exactly done anything to “level up” since she got her master’s degree a few years ago. Hell she hasn’t even worked since last summer even though her “job” is in high demand right now.

I know that this isn’t the type of energy I need in my life. I don’t like judging people to this degree. It’s not healthy. As they saying goes……holding on to anger is like eating poison and hoping that someone else will get sick from it.

How can I know all of this intellectually, but yet and still suffer so much internally. Falling for and marrying the wrong broad can definitely fuck your life up. The worst part is that she will probably never be able to understand how much all of this is hurting me. I think that I can eventually forgive her ignorance, but she needs to give me the chance to heal. I’m tired of thinking about this. I’m pretty scared of falling in love right now. I fear falling for the wrong one again…..or that a woman I fall for might switch up on me like the STBXW would. It’s hell trying to get over it. God forbid we have a kid or two.

I need a drink.

The Magic of Conscious Manifestation

Conscious Manifestation is a practice. It is the ability to purposefully create a desired outcome.

Normally, the external world is objectively happening while your mind is steadily interpreting it in real time. This interpretation is subjective and is based on your subconscious expectations and assumptions. These subconscious expectations and assumptions take the shape how you feel in your body along with mental snapshots about the future.

Manifestation is about getting our desired wish fulfilled. Our desired wish fulfilled comes along with a feeling(peace, gratitude, happiness, lightness of heart). Conversely, our fears also come with a feeling (anxiety, doubt, wanting, lacking, heavy hearted).

Therefore our feelings on a particular happening is going to be based on our subjective interpretation which is based on our expectations and assumptions. Our expectations and assumptions are basically prayer requests to the universe. The feeling that we get are these prayer requests being answered. The answered prayer is our interpretation of the events that the universe shows us.

We normally do this on autopilot subconsciously. Negative assumptions and expectations give negative results. Positive Positive. We often hold conflicting beliefs in our subconscious so we’ll experience a sort of mix between the two.

OUR ASSUMPTIONS and EXPECTATIONS

are usually a combination of visual flashes and feelings in the present moment about a future event. They happen in our conscious mind, but usually mostly outside of our awareness. Our minds create these “flashes” about the future automatically. It’s almost like an expected frame of reality or slice of an anticipated stream of consciousness in the future. These flashes though in the conscious mind, are created automatically, subconsciously based on our hopes, fears, desires, and interpretations of our past events. They happen at any given time, in real time, in the present.

It can be compared to breathing. We’re always breathing, whether we are aware of it or not. No matter what we are doing at the time (in general) or focused on, we are also breathing.

And just like you can control your breathing or even become aware of it. You can also control your future projections.

Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. If you’re prone to anxiety, Anticipate a future where you’re feeling light hearted instead of heavy hearted. Assume it, expect it. The universe will then give you that. You may not know HOW it will happen, but it will end up happening where you feel light hearted. This is basic manifesting. Keep in mind that how well you feel is going to be in direct correlation to the degree you believe it will happen. You don’t have to maintain the feeling, it’s a set it and forget it type of deal. But it if it does come to mind, remember to anticipate positive feelings every time. Feeling is the secret.

CONFIDENCE VS DOUBT

Faith isn’t necessarily a 1 sum kind of thing. It isn’t like you either have it or don’t. You have a combination of confidence and doubt for any given situation. If your anxiety overwhelms your confidence, say 70% anxiety vs 30% confidence. You’re going to experience something where you walk away feeling pretty anxious. It gets dicier the closer your anticipated confidence vs anxiety level is. In general though, we keep about a 50/50 or 45/55 55/45 type of situation going. Unless of course we anticipate something good or bad based on past experiences, fears, feelings of worthlessness, peformance expectations and so forth. Again, most of this is subconscious. But we can get flashes or glimpses consciously if we place our awareness on how we feel about the”likely” outcome of a future event.

CONSCIOUS MANIFESTING

Visualization and Presence are both tools that we can use to reprogram/pre-program our subconscious minds to purposefully create reality. Think of visualization as a flash of forethought. This fore-thought coupled with the desired feeling is key to getting what we want. The visualization doesn’t have to be clear, but I believe that the clearer it is, the more likely the feeling AND circumstances will play out. Many times, we don’t care how the circumstances play out, we just want the positive feeling.

For example, people want money, not for the paper currency specifically, but for the feeling that the money gives them. The money is just a tool for them to have the feeling. (security, importance, validation, etc).

It may happen that circumstances will still play out in a way that your prayer request (anticipated feeling) is answered. In the way that you expected it. But it may not. You’ll get the feeling for sure, but maybe not in the way you might have expected it to happen. But the more specific you are in these vision flashes of projected future outcomes, the more likely it is to play out the way you expected it to.

WORDS VS VISUALIZATION

A tool in order to grounded is the power of speech. Words act as sort of a guide to our feelings. Though not necessary.

Future thought projections often come in like pictures or quick snapshots. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Words can also house a ton of feelings and defnitions too. But positive affirmations along with the associated desired feelings can be used in leiu of actually sitting there and hashing out the details of the visualization. Think about it, most future snapshot projections usually aren’t THAT detailed anyway. Yet they are powerful. The more you practice consciously using this, you’ll see what I mean.

Words though, sort of give you a compass to direct your desired feelings. They can help focus your efforts. For example think about the question: “what are you going to do tonight.” vs “what are you going to do tonight when you get in bed”. The extra words or details act as a guide which break down specific snapshots of the anticipated future. Use them to sort of direct or lead to the snapshots.

Add feelings to these snapshots. You may not have to completely visualize your room with the bed, and how the soft the mattress is and what the sheets smell like.

But the more specific you are, the more things you directly affect. This is what I mean by direct manifestation. You’re creating more than just the ‘feeling.’ You can sort of create the reality. It’s what is meant by “living in the end.” Imagine already being in the desired state. Visualizing it can help the universe manifest the specific conditions by which you experience that desired state.

It resonates with me to say that though you can manifest the details, the more you attempt to do this, the longer it may take or your efforts may not be as powerful as you’d like since there may be other subconscious beliefs that block or conflict with some of the things happening.

For example, if you want to be wealthy and have a lot of money. You may want to manifest the feeling of ‘security’ that money can give you. And you think that being wealthy is the means to get it. However, you may also hold the belief that you have to work hard or have business to get it. When you look at your life, you see that you either aren’t working that hard or don’t have a business. This will conflict with you manifesting a lot of money because you hold the subconscious belief that you must work hard or be a successful entrepreneur or else you can’t/won’t get it.

The more specific you are about how you must achieve the feeling, the more likely you are to run into some block. It can either cancel or weaken what you’re trying to manifest. It may not though, but if reality isn’t giving you what you desire…..look within as opposed to looking to the outside world to try and figure out what’s going on. You may subconsciously have or possess some limiting/contradictory beliefs. But this can be debatable in my opinion.

I say weed out your garden.

Outside reality is a reflection of your internal beliefs (assumptions and expectations).

Consciously be your own self fulfilling prophecy.

See what works best for you.

A few resources you can look up on YouTube are Rev. Ike, Neville Goddard, Claude Bristol, Joseph Rodriguez, Napoleon Hill, Dr. Joe Dispenza.