Should you cheat in sexless marriage?

I was reading in a Craigslist forum about this guy in his 50’s who’s wife hadn’t given him sex in 8 years.   All adult kids.   He loved her and didn’t want to divorce or break the family.  He claims to have asked her to go to counseling in which she refused.  Took her on romantic vacations, and even bought her a boat that she wanted.  Still no sex.   In fact, he further went to say that she didn’t even want to cuddle him.   He claimed that he didn’t necessarily want sex from that all the time, but just missed the intimacy….yet she refused him even that.

He was wondering if he should look for someone in a similar situation who didn’t want to break her family, but would share an intimate relationship with him.

The responders flamed him.   One claimed that if the couldn’t get it from his own wife, what makes him think that he could get it from someone else.   Another said that he shouldn’t try to buy his wife off with trips and gifts.  Yet another said that it was his bed and he should lie in it.   Someone even said that it had to be his fault somehow, that he couldn’t have been listening to her.   All seemed to agree that he should either deal with it or just divorce.

Of course, going through it myself,  I have a different take.

Noone seemed to acknowledge that his wife is being selfish as fuck.   Sex and intimacy is a very important aspect of an adult’s life and without it, we can suffer tremendously.   He has tried different things and she refuses to try and help him fix the situation.   His decision to stay in the marriage has less to do with him and seems to be more about not wanting to hurt his family.   It would appear that the commenters didn’t acknowledge that fact.  People who love their families the most often suffer because of it.  This man has sacrified a huge chunk of his happiness and well being only to get shitted on by this selfish ass woman…. all in the name of love, loyalty, and dedication.   But I suppose that this is expected of “real” men.

Her decision to not have sex isn’t due to any medical condition (at least diagnosed) and her refusal to give him any or even attempt to figure out her lack of interest is mean spirited.  As far as I can tell, she is a sound minded adult (at least legally).

If I refused sex and intimacy to my wife and gave her no real reason, how could I expect her to remain faithful.   How difficult would it make her life?  How would it affect her self esteem?  How much of a dick would I have to be to make her choose between destroying her family and fulfilling her desire for sex….especially when I have the power to fulfill that part?  Could I reasonably expect her not to cheat or be seduced by someone else?   She should at least allow him a pass, but for some reason, I’d suspect that she’d lose her shit, demonize him, and take 0 responsibility for pushing him out there.   The divorce would be acrimonious and he’d end up losing almost everything he worked for.

She put him in a lose/lose situation where if he did divorce (on the grounds of no intimacy and sex)….his reputation is damaged and his kids would be hurt.  No doubt he’d try to protect his wife’s image and no doubt she would even acknowledge her faults……or if he cheats and gets caught, the same situation applies……..or he could remain in the sexless marriage with a wife who doesn’t even want him nor try to fix the issues between them.

The best option is to cheat and hope for the best as either staying or leaving guarantees negative outcomes, but he could possibly not get caught cheating.   And if he does get caught, the consequences are pretty much the same.

People say that there is no justification for cheating….and to me,  that is a short sighted answer.   In most cases, I’d agree.   But in the cases where the spouse/so is just being an asshole AND you have a real reason to stay in the relationship (kids, financial obligations….etc.) I think a case could be made.    At least as long as you let the affair partner know what the deal is.

If the wife in the case KNOWs that this is hurting her husband and she refuses to do anything about it, it shows an incredible lack of sympathy on her behalf.   It’s as if she’s punishing him for doing the right thing.    I can’t believe people feel so entitled and selfish as to punish their SO and deny them something so important simply because they have the power to do so.

Communication is key here and there are two sides to every story.   But I’ve read enough articles where women have confessed that they are no longer attracted to their husbands and refuse him sex simply because they just don’t feel like it… or are attacted to someone else.   They say they KNOW it’s wrong, but they don’t care.   The wife’s refusal for help in this situation makes me think that she falls into that camp.

While leaving is probably best for the couple, people often forget that divorce can be emotionally, financially, and economically devastating to all involved….not just the kids.

In all honesty, I think the wife is being a bitch and that he should go out there.   By constantly refusing him sex and intimacy, she’s doing all sorts of emotional damage to him and his self esteem.   This damage wouldn’t be as acute if he were single.

Situations like this does beg the question though.   Can you really lose attraction for someone to the point of not wanting to have sex with them?  I’ve heard of it, but in most cases I’ve seen, it’s usually after an affair with someone else.   That’s what happened in my case.  In that particular instance, it’s the original offending person’s fault for their own lack of desire and they should just suck it up.

People are selfish entitled fucks these days.   And when it’s time for them to face the consequences of their actions, society wants to give them a pat on the back and feel sorry for them.   TBH, I never wanted to cheat on my wife and there are times that I do feel twinges of guilt.

But I then remember that I’m not out here because of her affair or on some revenge crusade.   It’s because she put me in a situation of choosing sex/intimacy or my family.  I’m still on the fence and doubleminded about it (which is hell unto itself at times).

Plus I also think that on a certain level, it has helped us as I no longer feel as bad about myself and I’m no longer angry / or even really desire sex from her.    She still hasn’t asked why I stopped asking or have bothered to try in about a year.   There is less tension in the air and fewer arguments.

TBH, i’m getting to the point where I don’t even want it.    Her getting undressed in front of me doesn’t even phase me that much anymore.   We haven’t kissed or even hugged in forever it seems.   And I really don’t care anymore.    I am finally falling out of love with her.    It was a long hard journey, but I am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I know that technically I’m wrong for that.   But how was I supposed to know that it would get to this in the beginning? It was only until recently that I realized that no matter how cool someone seems in the beginning, there is a chance that they’ll turn into an insufferable, selfish, manipulative, cold hearted prick that could give 0 fucks about your relationship, family, history if they feel that it impedes on their personal happiness (even if they don’t know what it is).   They could give 0 shits about how it affects you, the kids, finances, or anything.

In my opinion, he should find someone else on the side…..8 years is a long time……as long as he can find someone who is either sensitive to his situation and going through it for the same reasons he is.  Just be careful not to ruin another family.

He’s justified, they’ll all be happier, and it’s worth possibly losing the marriage over (if she finds out)  as she doesn’t really seem to care that much about him / it anyway.

If you’re the selfish prick/asshole who just simply refuses to sleep with your spouse because you’re being a dick/bitch, then fuck you.   This isn’t for you.   This is for the person you’re crushing who might be on the fence about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If She Ain’t Chasing, She’s Replacing

I read an article where a the author was saying that if a man is sending mixed signals, to stop chasing him.    In it, she was basically saying that the woman deserves better.    That he isn’t worth crying in her pillow at night over and that she should move on.

While that does sound like some sound advice on the surface, I’ve come to realize that advice like this is what makes the dating scene so damned impossible these days.   Sure, I mean who wants to be insecure about their romantic interests?   Who wants to feel emotionally frustrated by lack of consistency?   Who wants to keep second guessing if a person is really in to them or not?

I’ll to you who…..women do.   While they complain about it, it’s like something built into their psyche.

It’s been said that the best way to dry up the panties is to bore a woman.   You know what’s boring and not sexy….. Consistency, predictability, and security.    From the trashy romance novels to the 40 shades of grey type movies.   Women seem to fantasize about the handsome, mysterious, unreadable stranger coming into their lives.   In it, the guy has some sort of troubled past/ or present which might prevent them from being together.

I’ve noticed that the difference between when I’ve been cheated on vs when I’ve had girls willing to do almost anything for me is the level of consistency I showed.   That had a lot to do with how much I actually cared and desired to be with her.   But the more consistency I showed, the less interested she became and the less, the more.

I’ve also overhead females talk about how an interested guy often “does too much.” When he wants to actually be with her.    Chasing implies, that something is trying to get away.   I don’t recommend this for men these days.   Especially given “me too” and the fact that many women don’t communicate their feelings directly.

The article itself is proof enough that mixed signals and inconsistency is enough to keep them interested.   I mean, she ain’t crying over a guy she doesn’t care about.   The beta male “best friend” who wants her isn’t showing mixed signals, but something about him isn’t attractive enough for her.   Even though they all claim they want their partner to be their “best friend” or partner in crime.    Throwback to  “Things that make you go hmmmm……”

Unfortunately, you can’t give them what they want all the time.   You have to show a bit of inconsistency and unpredictability in order to keep them interested.   Even though they say that they hate it, in the end, they love you for it even more for it.

It’s easier if you just don’t care.   So men, I’d say, leave the falling in love part for the women.   Find your purpose, fall in love with that, and send mixed signals to her at your leisure.    If she leaves you, she probably wasn’t that into you anyway.   Plus since you didn’t care, it won’t really throw you off and you’ll remain confident and secure.   Learn to be an asshole.   It works.

 

 

All I know right now

What I know.   Speculation aside. Based on what she tells me.    She’s unhappy.   She wants more.   A large house.  Wants to travel more.   Doesn’t want to have sex (with me anyway).   Long term friendship with some people are more important than our relationship.  Unwilling to cut off that friendship despite me feeling disrespected by it.   She understands why I feel disrespected, but thinks I shouldn’t worry about it because she believes that their relationship has nothing to do with us.

Because we haven’t officially decided to “work on things”, then it’s ok for her to do “her” insofar as entertaining or talking to other guys when the opportunity arises.    Also believes that cell phone secrecy should still be maintained because of that reason.   She isn’t sure if she wants to stay married.   Believes that I know how much she makes or her financial situation.  Some of her actions are unfair/she wouldn’t want someone to put her/someone she loves through it.   She thinks I don’t deserve that either.

She loves our son and doesn’t want to hurt him through divorce.   She says that she loves me.   (necessary assumption is that love, but “not in love.”).   Believes that I am bitter against women.   Thinks that the redpill/mgtow consumption helps fuel my view of women.

Says that she is sorry for hurting me and wish she hadn’t ‘involved’ me in her affair to the extent that I was.    She is open to an open relationship.   Never said she was a “good” person.    Doesn’t believe that people who aren’t happy together should stay together.

I’ve addressed some of these things:

1)why are you so unhappy?  no real answer/she doesn’t know.

2)is traveling and a big home deal breakers? no real answer.  I let her know that I’m ok with traveling, just plan better.  big house is possible, but we should plan better for it as I don’t want to be “house poor.”

3)no sex is a deal breaker for me.   I didn’t sign up for celibacy.    but I don’t want pity/obligation sex either.  I don’t really like having to sneak around.  It shows selfishness to expect monogamy when you’re intentionally not sexually satisfying your spouse.  It’s hurtful to be constantly rejected over and over again.

4)Spouse is supposed to come before friends.  Especially if you and the friend violated our marriage boundaries (ie cheated together) during the marriage.   This is a respect and boundary issue.  There have been repeated offenses from emotional through physical cheating with them throughout our marriage.   I don’t feel comfortable with that friendship and if there is insecurity, it is based upon finding out the repeated violation of boundaries.

5)Being on the ‘fence’ doesn’t offer me the security of believing she won’t step out again.    It’s not fair for me to have to endure the pain /suffering/humiliation of the type of affair(s) she’s had while I sit here and wait to decide if she wants to work it out.  It tells me that my feelings aren’t that important to her.   And she’s not dedicated to making it work.    Be all in or out.

6)why continue doing hurtful things if you wouldn’t want someone else to put you through it?   answer:  I’m not doing anything now……   (but why is the cell a secret),  EVEN IF she isn’t doing anything….wouldn’t transparency (at least for a limited period of time be more beneficial than secrecy)…..goes back to “I’m not sure if I want to stay married and we haven’t decided to work on things.”

7) Her financial situation.   She believes that 50/50 was the standard and it should be maintained.    However based on that standard, we cannot afford the house she wants and I have no clue what we can afford.   Especially given the lack of planning….which is also suffering because we don’t know if we’re going to stay together or not.

8)We both agree that we don’t want to hurt our son through divorce.   However I maintain that without at least working on it, we’re both going to say miserable.  I can’t just outright trust her given the broken trust.  The phone secrecy is a deal breaker for me.   Plus I caught her entertaining other men (at least texting with plans of hooking up later since the affair.)

9)I am bitter.  Maybe not against all females, but I’m definitely more skeptical.   The females that redpill/mgtow literature describes are females who’s actions are like hers. I’m thinking that she thinks she’ll change if the “right man” comes along.   Maybe.   But I can’t be concerned even though I am leaning towards it being a personality/morality issue.  Things may be ok during her next honeymoon phase, but how will she react once it’s over?  In reality, it doesn’t matter.  Hopefully, she’ll be a long lost memory when it gets to that point.    I really can’t see us getting back together if we ever split.

10) How in the hell would I not be caught up in the affair when you were cheating on me?   Betraying me for his sexual gratification is a HUGE red flag IMHO.   It’s one thing to cheat, but another to humiliate/cuck a faithful spouse/friend for a relative stranger’s sexual gratification.    This may be the thing that really forces me over the edge as far as leaving.   If she can stoop that LOW….what wouldn’t she do?

11) You call this love?   Hmm….she treats people she likes with more respect.  Perhaps it may be due to their proximity, but still.   That type of love doesn’t really benefit me if I’m honest.

12) I didn’t sign up for an open relationship.   Plus it seems men are much thirstier than women when it comes to casual sex.   Plus, I’m not sleeping in the same house and putting up with her bullshit while they get the nice parts/sexy parts about her.  Why have the cow if everyone else is enjoying the milk?   I don’t want to sleep around with several people at once.  One is good enough for me and maintaining that type of relationship would be tricky.  I got lucky/blessed with my lover, but who knows how difficult it would be to find someone who understands and believes me.  It’s feels like an attack on my manhood if I’m taking care of the house while she’s out there dating.   Especially if I condone it.   Screw that.

13) Maybe people who aren’t happy should stay together, but at the same time, her toxic actions aren’t helping us get any happier.    I think we owe it to our family/son to try to salvage our home, even if it means sacrificing the “bullshit” for a little while to see if it can work.    I’m not exactly happy to see you / be around you if you’re doing things that disrespect our marriage boundaries.   Even IF she isn’t doing anything as she claims, the appearance of it is still hurtful towards possible reconciliation.

The bottom line is that ultimately, it’s going to have to be on me to leave.   She knows that I love my family and I’d suspect that subconsciously, she knows what she needs to do in order to fix things.   I’m thinking that she believes she has a trump card and will play it if she actually sees me moving on.  Despite all she has done/ is doing, she knows that she holds the power.

Maybe she realizes that it’s not really because of/for her, that it’s for our son’s sake.  But it doesn’t matter.   As of now, I have proven that I’m not willing/capable of walking away from her bullshit so she holds the power.

I have to let go of the idea that we can save this family.   I have to be willing to put our son through divorce in order to maintain my sense of self dignity and respect.   I have to truly let it go to the point of even if she tries to play that “I get it now card.” It’s too late.

She has the power and isn’t playing fairly.  Sucks that I have to hurt the person who means the most to me, but in the end, I guess that I have to love myself enough, even to the point I have to hurt/disappoint him and let it all go.

 

 

 

Relationships Suck

It’s funny how everyone wants a significant relationship where there is no cheating, honesty, and the person to have their back. On the other hand, everyone seems to be cheating, lying, and on some petty stuff. It really makes you not want to fall in love. Yet and it seems like something is missing without that someone in your life.

I’ve been following a few popular instagram influencers (kas facts, changing lanes, bitchproblems) and they are constantly posting memes about side dude this, side chick that and it makes me wonder if there are any faithful people left. It’s as if we live in a society where cheating and dysfunction is the norm.

Given the toxic situation with my wife and affair as a result, I should be the last one to point fingers. It’s odd, but even though I haven’t defined the terms of relationship with my partner, I still feel the need to be faithful (fidelity wise) to her. I know this is dangerous and probably a bit toxic to her as she has no way of knowing if I’m actually sleeping with my wife other than my word. This also leads me to believe that she could possibly lie to me about her extra curricular activities. Obviously I’d prefer for her to be honest, I’d understand why she might not feel the need to be transparent or either seize any opportunity to find a normal relationship.

Society’s attitude about marriage renders the whole point of it moot. From a practical standpoint, there is no reason to get emotionally involved with anyone, let alone get married. People are all about their personal happiness and it increasingly seems that it’s acceptable to break up families and homes simply because one person has a general sense of unhappiness.

In addition, it seems that a lot of men out there don’t respect other men’s marriages. They don’t mind getting sex from a married woman if she puts herself out there like that.

I started watching videos of men who were dating married women on YouTube yesterday and I was disgusted. Some of these men fell in love and were heartbroken over the fact that she ended up choosing her husband and families over them.

I had no sympathy for them at all. I have no sympathy for people who interfere with marriages, especially when kids are involved. They are the worst, allowing their thirst, lust, and feelings to potentially emotionally damage and destroy a child’s home.

One guy sat and claimed that he didn’t deserve the heartbreak because he felt like he was a “good person”.

Dude, you were willing to break up another man’s family just for sexual attention. You intentionally made plans and went along with violating another man’s wife….(even if she was complicit)….potentially destroying his home, psychologically damaging his kids, and decimating his finances.

The thing is that what if she did the exact same thing to you? Would you want to be the husband in that situation? What if you marry her, she gives you kids, them a home, and she does the exact same thing to you?  As much as you “love” her, how do you think the husband feels.   In my opinion you deserved it plus much worse.

In fact, I hope it works out for you and her and she does the exact same thing to you.  Or I hope that you find some other chick who does the exact same thing to you and justify it with, “she’s unhappy.”   I really hate men like that.   To violate a man’s family, children, and finances is about as scummy and grimy as it gets.

Many people say that you shouldn’t take your anger out on the affair partner, but the unfaithful partner instead.  I say the anger should be directed towards both.   If my wife is negligent and leaves the door to the house unlocked and a thief breaks in, I’m not just going to be angry at the wife, I’m also angry at the thief.

It seems that people these days are stupid and narcs beyond belief.   It’s all about them.   Having a good/decent heart and proclivity to honesty is a weakness.   People have no qualms with taking your good faith in them and using it against you.    The thing is, they all put up a good show and act as if they are so good.   Or they act hypocritically and bitch and moan when they know they’re dead wrong.

Perhaps I’m bitter and cynical after what happened.   But i’m really not feeling this relationship thing even though deep down I want to find a decent person (moral wise) to deal with on a real level.   The assholes don’t realize how damaging it is to hurt someone’s heart….as if it’s some trivial thing.   Their advice is just suck it up and move on while the other person gets away scott free it seems.

I hate my wife sometimes.   Not dislike, but actually hate her for what she did/ is doing to me and our family.   I hate that I hate her.   But it’s so personal.   She seems so oblivious.   As if it’s a game.   She relishes in the power of being able to fully destroy someone.   And she still thinks she is a good woman who deserves some guy to come in and make her happy.   There is a pretty good chance that she’ll eventually get it and has no problem with how she goes about getting it.  She’ll probably never fully comprehend or grasp the amount of pain she put me through and will probably remain ignorant of truly how much abuse she inflicted on me.

Sure, I may be a hypocrite for going out and doing “me” so to speak instead of ending it.    This isn’t easy nor is the path straightforward.   It’s easy to say to just divorce her and move, but divorce isn’t easy, add to the fact that we have a little one, add to the fact that I probably am emotionally traumatized and feel forced to make a huge decision that will likely hurt the kid.

I know I sound like a damn victim here, but I’ll say that there is an element of victim shaming at play from people not in the situation.    It’s like if one boxer cheated and kept getting away with hitting his opponent with low blows.   The ref and and crowd then tells the violated boxer that he must continue and criticizes him for complaining or not being able to perform at his best ability.  So called “alpha” men would say that I deserve this because, we as the man are always to blame.  I didin’t handle her correctly or I was too blue pilled.   Dunno, maybe?

I’m just tired man.   I know people in history and in the world have gone through/are going through much worse.   Add that to the fact that I do have my health, a stable career, family and friends who are also healthy (overall), and potential for a better future, I should focus on being grateful for the things that I do have going for me.  I’m living in a time where technology affords me all sorts of luxuries that previous generations could only dream of.    We don’t live under threat of imminent war in my area and food and opportunities seem quite abundant for now.

As bad as my marriage and relationships in general seem these days,  I suppose that things could be much worse and in fact overall, life is much better than I could have ever hoped for.    Perhaps the key is redirecting my attention towards the things I’m grateful for instead of focusing on the few problems.

 

 

 

Her name is Lust

Tumblr officially banned porn about a year ago.  It was really my main source of looking at it, so it really wasn’t too hard to give it up.   Today, I stumbled across a few porn threads somehow and after a few minutes down the rabbit hole so to speak,  I realize that porn is evil.

My physiciological reaction to seeing a woman’s naked body is insane right now.   It might be due to the fact that I’ve been practicing semen retention.   Basically, no masturbation.   Since my lover is out of town, that means no sex at all, even on the weekend.

I could practically feel the dopamine surge through my brain as I saw these ass naked women spread.   It reminds me of why we men simp so hard for women and do the most for them.    There truly is power in the pussy.

For me, that’s enough porn.  I’m good.   I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my body.   Unbridled lust is a reminder of how weak we as men are.   I see why men in the middle east are prefer to keep women as clothed as possible.

Yoga pants, sun dresses, tight jeans, halter tops, bikini’s and all of that definitely makes me feel a certain way.    Especially on a beautiful woman.   Yet in my recovery from being totally crushed by one, I have a weird sensation of lust with an impending feeling of danger.   The fast heartbeat isn’t just pleasure, it’s also like a sense of danger.   As in keep my desire in check because THAT can kill you if you dwell too long in that place.

I also saw a short video with the rapper Cardi B explaining how to do fellatio.  In it, she talks about how she deep throats a guy.  As she explained, there were cutouts to different men giving bug eyes and double takes indicating that they were somewhat mesmerized.

At one time, I would have been on the bandwagon, giving the same type of response…..but this time, all I saw were a bunch of simps who give thots way too much attention.   It’s really not that serious and even if it is, why is it that we as men are taught to check our emotions, except when it comes to women overtly expressing their sexuality.

We’re taught to be fools when it comes to sex.    And as fools, we are under the spell of pussy.   Yes it feels great.  It’s feels amazing.  Yet to have it at the focus of our goal is the downfall of many a men.   Society seems to want to bash you for not giving a damn….or saying that it really isn’t that serious.    Let them eat cake.    Meanwhile I have to reprogram myself … at least temper myself to overcome my lust and desire.

Food is great, yet we don’t go about acting all stupid when we see a hamburger or something.   It’s somehow ingrained into our social dynamics that it’s ok to be a damn fool over a fat ass and cute face.   I’m judging myself on this one as well, but to know better is to be better.    At least in practice.

I’ve learned that in life, it is an abomination against the MOST HIGH for a man to actually fall in love with a woman.   Sure, we can love with our minds, but never with our hearts.  We are to save that for God or either our purpose.

Fall in love with your purpose…..I like that.

I’m thinking that one of the keys to take your eyes off the MOST HIGH or HIS purpose for you is lust.    The love of the pussy is the downfall of many a great man.  These beautiful women and the biological rush they give you can serve as a trap if you’re not on the right track.

Without having a purpose, she can easily become your purpose and that was my downfall with my wife.   I’d guess that of many of the shiftless/simple men here in America also fall victim to this.    Sex is all around us and no one warns us about the impending doom that’s inevitable should we focus on it.

Maybe this is why I my mind is warning me of danger when I see that bad ass ig model twerking.   It’s a reminder to not get caught up in the song of the sirens lest I lose my way, crash my ship, and end my life.   Hmm?   There’s seems to be more to that greek story after all.

 

 

 

 

Back at it like a crack addict

So on the way out to work this morning, I saw her phone ring and an unfamiliar name popped up on the screen.    It was spelled similarly to one of her female friend’s names, but she never calls that early.  I have seen her name pop up before, so I know that she intentionally spelled it a little different as to hide the person’s true identity.    I should have answered it, but for some reason, I didn’t think of doing it at the time.    I confronted her and asked her to call the number back.   She looked at it and said, “oh, she probably called by accident since she never calls this early.”

“Yeah right, I said.”

“Stop accusing me of stuff.   You’re wrong just like you were yesterday when I had our son’s phone.”

Even though I felt like she might have been right yesterday’s incident.   I said, “this is what I’m talking about.”   “This is gaslighting.”  “This is lying.”   “Just call her back and I won’t mention anything else.”

“No.” she replied and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I was mad, but not fuming.   In fact, I’m not really surprised.    To be honest, I know she’s a cheater and liar.   After a few moments:

“He can have you….”  I said calmly.    “I wish it could wait until we didn’t live together since it feels disrespectful….”  “But to be honest, I don’t want to deal with a liar and cheating assed woman.”  ….”Dunno where you find these guys who are ok with dealing with a married woman….unless you’re lying to him too…. but either way, I can’t really can’t be surprised.”

I’m glad for things like this to remind me that it would be a terrible idea to cosign with a house with her.   It would be disastrous to move back in with her again and be powerless to do anything about her cheating.    It’s hard enough adulting between working so many hours, maintaining the house, taking care of the kid, trying to find some free time to work out, and still trying to figure out where to go from here.   I don’t need a wife who doesn’t mind cheating on me.    The scriptures speak of women like that.

The double mindedness of wanting to save the family at the expense of my own mental/ emotional health is enough to drive someone mad.     I don’t think that women understand that men have emotions too.   Yeah, we are to man up.   But it is difficult to hurt a child who you love.   Sure, she may love kiddo too, but coming from a single parent home, I don’t think she can empathize with him as much.   This gives her a huge advantage.

As it stands, I’m still in the position of not loving her and realizing that our situation may be different than that of my “Old G’s” daughter and son in law situation.   If anything, it makes me realize that I need to go extra hard in making plans for our separation at the end of the lease.

I look forward to that day.  Perhaps I should be looking into primary custody as her work hours will make it difficult to grant me the separation/space to forgive her.  I wouldn’t be surprised (probably still angry nonetheless) if she was already in a new relationship right before or soon after we separate.   It is what it is.    I need to be prepared for that.

Given the simpish nature of men, her looks, and outwardly calm demeanor, I’m pretty sure that a decently intense honeymoon phase will have him missing this critical aspect about her.   If she acts acts similarly towards him, the way she acted towards me in the beginning, she can fool him with her true nature and probably get away with it.     Talk about life being unfair.    But this is where I have to man up and realize that I might not ever get to feel justice in being put in such a traumatic experience.

I realize that we’re not right for each other.    We don’t have anything in common outside of our kid.   Perhaps someone else would be a better fit for her.   Still though, it sucks that someone can get to hurt you and your kid so badly and get away with it.    There is no a law against crimes against the heart.

In truth, I’m no longer trying to build us up anymore.  I’ve stopped a while ago.  I’m trying to maintain this sinking ship, at least until we can make it to port.   She keeps putting holes in it.   I can maintain until then.

 

 

 

Reconnecting after an affair

Throughout the process of going through this period of uncertainty, I let of my coworkers (an older gentleman) know what was going on.  He’s about the same age as my dad and i sort of see him as a elder/mentor of sorts.    I appreciate his insights into life.   He told me that his son in law / daughter was going through the same thing.   His daughter being the cheater in that case.

The son in law’s wife had cheated and was planning on leaving him for another man.   It was another case of where she played the “i’m not happy” card when in truth, she had allowed herself to become smitten with a former fling on facebook.    She cheated on him and from the stories i’ve heard she pretty much disrespected him by going on trips and overnight visits with the guy.   They tried talking to her as concerned parents, but she just dismissed them and continued doing what she was doing.     The son in law and wife were married and has 2 elementary /middle school aged sons.    From my co -workers account, he was blindsided and heartbroken…..just like me.

At the conclusion of the story, it came to found that her affair partner, while still married and in addition to her, also had another girl on the side.   My coworker recently told me that the son in law and his daughter decided to try and work things out.  Things really seem to be going well and they’ve taken quite a few trips and cruises in the past year or so together.

Wow.    Now I don’t know if you call that simping or love.

I really don’t know if i still have the capacity to go after my wife after all of what she did.   Right now, it seems that I could probably go the simping route and plan trips, plan vacations, and do whatever as she’s not as clingy with her phone as of late.  I would assume that her plans with the new guy didn’t fall through.   And as I told her, once her “best friend” got a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be as available as he once was.

She also seems (for now anyway) to be more open about how she feels and more communicative.   At least more so than the past few years.

It has me wondering though….   I know I don’t really love her anymore.   But what am I really willing to do to save my family?   Right now, I want freedom.   It sounds selfish, but I’ve suffered so long and am finally getting to a place within myself that I’m willing to have the conversation and risk hurting the kids.

I really don’t want a serious relationship and I really need to work on myself as a person.  I recognize that I’ve been damaged and probably wouldn’t be any good in a relationship right now.   In fact I don’t believe in them nor real romantic love for that matter.

I’m still accusing her of doing things….like for example, I woke up at at 4:30 am and I see her out of bed texting or doing something her phone.    I tried not to say anything, but was triggered because she used to text/talk to her former AP early before I woke up.

“BUSTED….AGAIN” I said sarcastically to which she replied “WTF are you talking about?”.     Used to being gaslight, I simply replied with “I’m NOT doing this with you.  I’m not stupid.   I’m going back to sleep, keep lying to yourself.”

Thinking it was over,  she replied quite annoyed,

“this is our son’s phone you dickhead, the alarm went off and I went to shut it off.”  and then she throws it over at me…

I shrug my  shoulders “oh my bad”.  and I tried going back to sleep, sort of wondering if she was really telling the truth or not.   Maybe I over reacted.  Maybe I should apologize.  “Will it make me look weak if I do?”….”sorry I mumbled and went back to sleep.”

It also seems like I have to force the conversation with her.   As in, force myself to have a casual conversation with her.   I feel so nervous and insecure around her.  I can’t even really look at her in the face when I’m around.    Like, she saps my confidence or something.   Maybe that says a lot about me as a man, but for some reason, it’s like i can’t think clearly or something around her anymore.   She brings out insecurity or shyness or something that I haven’t felt since i was a kid.

I don’t fear her, I just don’t like her or something. It’s subconscious.  It feels weird to laugh.    I don’t want to laugh with her.  I don’t want be friendly…..just cordial and maybe it’s because I don’t like being fake around people I don’t really feel like that.   She doesn’t have an awful personality or anything, I just don’t like acting like we’re cool and we’re not.

I’ve stated a million times that if it wasn’t for my son, I wouldn’t be there, but maybe I have to accept the fact that since I am, I have to stop allowing her presence to stress me the fuck out.    So weird, but I can actually feel tension and anxiety in my stomach and chest when we’re either on the phone or face to face and my mind goes to shit.  …and she still expects me to carry the weight of the conversation….  Maybe I haven’t forgiven her after all.   One thing for sure, I don’t know how my friend’s son in law did it.

It makes me wonder if I really truly loved her to begin with, is there something wrong with me, or maybe he processed his betrayal differently.    TBH, when we split, I really can’t see us ever going back to try it again.

 

 

 

 

Marriage isn’t about Happiness

Around the time and right after my marriage fell apart, I was an emotional wreck.  I’m not the type who keeps things bottled in and I’d often find myself telling strangers about my issues.   Keep in mind, I felt that these people were actually safer to talk to than people I know as I’d never see them again.   One thing exclusive to women was that they often said that I deserved happiness.

I just read an article titled, “Why do women cheat.” and the primary reason one gave was that she was unhappy, even though she had a stable marriage.   She felt justified.    Another article I read was titled “Why I want to divorce my good husband.”   In it, many women in the comments section were feeling that they were in decent marriages, but were unhappy and felt that they should either divorce or were using it as justification to have affairs.     My wife even told me that she was “unhappy” so she felt it was ok to cheat.

This has led me to a crossroads of wondering if all women are like this or only some.   Now if you asked these women on their wedding days, if they thought that affairs or divorce was an option, given their husbands treated them well and didn’t cheat, I’m pretty sure most would have said ‘NO’.

I find it so strange that some people know the right thing to do, yet they choose to do the wrong thing and are willing to lie, humiliate, and hurt a person who dedicated their life to them.   They’re willing to destroy and hurt the closest people around them in order to fulfill a sexual desire.   They break the golden rule that I’d think governs most normal people.  Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.  They seem normal, rational, and seem to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong.

I’m starting to wonder if these women were raised in a nuclear family home.   My wife wasn’t and so I don’t think that she values it as much as I do.   Before we got married, she said it was important to her, but I’m now I’m thinking that she doesn’t value it as she has no clue how hurtful divorce is on the kid.   She wasn’t raised in one, so maybe she is underestimating the toll it can take.   Her parents were never married.   Perhaps if they were, she would have experienced first hand how painful it was and tried harder to make things work.  Perhaps she would have valued me and our relationship and home.

As it stands, perhaps her frame to gauge her success in life is how happy she is.   Others are secondary.   Some women actually think that if they’re happy, everyone else around them should also be happy.   Many use it as an excuse for affairs or breaking up a family.   In my opinion, while happiness is preferable over unhappiness, raising our kids in a stable home is more important.   As long as there is stability and structure, we can seek happiness within the relationship.

There are deal breakers of course, but my optimal happiness isn’t one of them when it comes to the family (at least for me).   I just hate the idea that a home can just be broken, one can hurt or disrespect their SO, and let so many people down because they’re not as happy as could “possibly”(and that’s questionable) be.   True love often requires some sacrifice and it raises the question of whether they ever really truly loved their family unit or not.

I don’t know if I ever want to love that deeply again.  It’s too hurtful.   They say that men never recover from being broken that deeply.  I understand it.  While I won’t go so far as to say that I’ll never love again.  I will say that I’ll never love that deeply again.   It’s sort of sad because if there is a woman out there for me, I don’t know if I could love her in the same way.   Sure I’ll do my best to treat her as right as I know how, but in the back of my mind, I’ll always remember that completely giving her my heart, isn’t on the table.    That innocent part and naive part of love has been broken.    Unfortunately by someone who didn’t deserve it.    Perhaps we’re all broken in a way, but should I find someone worth taking a chance over…..what am I saying?…..AWALT.

 

 

Tired of Hoes

My facebook and Instagram timelines are littered with half naked women shaking their assets for the world to see.   Websites that I frequent such as worldstarhiphop and flyheight very often have videos of scantily clad women gyrating.    My friends send pics and memes to me of naked/half naked women stripping or doing something or another.   And these dudes lose their minds over them.

Women are out here swallowing cucumbers whole to prove they don’t have a gag reflex.   Sucking bananas, wearing tiny shirts that expose their breasts, and doing whatever to grab attention.   And these dudes be out here losing their minds…..encouraging this behavior.

We’re out here bragging about sleeping with other men’s wives and girlfriends.  Pointing to women in yoga pants in public places.    How many women we sleep with.   Slapping high fives with each other and encouraging being a man whore.   We encourage men spending money at strippers and week after week, the lines ate packed, full of thirsty men lining up to simply see women (who they probably aren’t going to have sex with) pay them money just to see them strip.    How stupid is that given that internet porn is free!!!

There are even apps with thirsty men paying women to see them strip down or twerk for cash app donations.   True story:  I once created a fake profile on the dating app plenty of fish with 1 picture of a good looking woman.   On the description, I simply put “I’m all about that bag.”

I literally had to turn the notifications off that morning.   By noon, I had over 60 dudes hit it up.    That night there were 99+.     (it stops counting after 99).    1 pic and the most shallow description ever and you would have thought her juice box had the cure to death in it.

Yet we sit here and complain about how ‘women ain’t shit’.    Is it any wonder why?   I’m starting to get disgusted.    We’re so freaking thirsty that it’s starting to annoy me.   I’m not even mad at the women, but at us for encouraging this thotlike behavior.    It’s hypocritical as fuck to act stupid on one hand when they do it and yet encourage it on the other.

My cousin was on an app where he payed these coins (in app purchase coins)to women he thought were cute, they couldn’t even strip, all they had to do was twerk a little and pose.   The coins could be converted to real money.

The thirst is really real out here.

I’ve come to the conclusion that women ain’t ish because we don’t control our lust.  We have somehow ingrained into our collective consciousness that pussy is worth losing self respect over.   We put it on a pedestal to our own detriment.

I was trying to explain to my cousin how I couldn’t do it, but he looked at me like he understood what I was saying, but he just didn’t get it.   Similar as to how I understood what he was doing, but I just don’t get it.

It’s not like he stood a chance with ever hooking up with these women.   It isn’t like his ‘donation’ was going to sway her to come out and have sex with him.    This is beyond ‘tricking’ (paying women for sex) which I stand against in principle, but, I do actually get it.    Yet most of these dudes will also tell you that they are some kind of pimp.   If this aint the most anti pimping thing I ever heard, I don’t know what is.

As long as dudes are out here willing to say, do, spend anything just to validate women to possibly get sex….and women either believe them while getting the validation they need for their ego’s then there is no point in complaining about them.   There is no point in getting upset when the only reason they can cheat is because men help them/ even encourage them to do so.

I’m the last thing from a feminist, but the unbridled lust that we have has led to the downfall of women in the west.   Thot culture is winning because ultimately, we fund and encourage it.

It’s really getting to the point where physically beautiful women aren’t that beautiful to me anymore.  In my mind, I’ve associated it with whoredom.   What I look for is a connection.  I know first hand what it’s like to be connected emotionally to an emotionally devoid beautiful woman.

Perhaps on a subconscious level, they remind me of how vulnerable they can make me.   Beautiful women are dangerous man.  Having barely survived that flame, this moth can tell you that they will burn you to death.    They can be like the black widow spider that devours her male courtier.  And many men are easy prey.

Maybe my problem is that I truly want love.   Not just meaningless hookups.   I mean I’ll take that if she makes it easy, but as far as being a shameless fool for it, I won’t waste too much time, emotions, nor energy.

Perhaps that’s the simp in me.   Still though.   This is why narcs are winning.  They don’t care.    Simps keep her validated.   And here I am stuck in the middle of the two trying to figure out how to steer clear of the bullshit.

 

 

 

Confessions of a Beta Male (self reflection)

I was listening to a video last night about being laid back is indeed a beta male trait.   It was an epiphany of sorts to me.  I’m a laid back, live and let live type of person.   Most stuff doesn’t really to matter to me.  I tend to let the cards fall they may and make due with the consequences.   I don’t stand for disrespect, but I do try to seek understanding before I’m understood.    I give up quite easily when I see situations escalating as I have the belief that out of control emotions usually end up with nothing being accomplished.  I try to keep the cool head and it takes a lot to anger me.   This works in my field of IT support.

I don’t fear confrontation, I just tend to avoid it.   There are times where I stand up for myself, but it really has to be at a shit hit the fan situation or a matter of blatant disrespect.   In short, I’d describe myself as a peace maker.   This works well in the sense that most people I encounter on a daily basis like me.   It’s not really my goal, it’s just that I’m so cool and laid back.    I’ve heard that I’m one of the most laid back person people know.   I’m friendly, I’m not socially awkward.   I’m also introverted preferring to be alone with my own thoughts, but I do have some pretty deep and interesting conversations with people.

People don’t tend to really bother or bully me.  I just kind of blend in with the background.   I don’t mind helping out when I can and when people ask for a request, I usually tell them yes.  I won’t do it if I have something more pressing.   I tend to do better on a 1 to 1 basis or with other laid back individuals.   Type A or Alpha types don’t bother me unless around a rowdy bunch.   They drain me.   I have the capacity to lead as my reputation is one of being intellectual, fair, and honest.   I’m a team player understand the importance of teamwork.  I also like to see the  ‘opposition’s’ point of view so that I can clarity on a position.   To me, verbal conflicts aren’t about winning, it’s about understanding.  It helps me understand my strengths and weaknesses as well as theirs.

On the other hand, I’m not a follower and usually think outside the box.  I have the tendency to be a contrarian and will often play devil’s advocate (in an obvious way) in order to expose the flaws or emotions in one’s beliefs.   But again, that’s really about understanding.  I like to dig deep on subjects in order to get both sides.   At the same time, I’m usually not passionate either way about most things.   I don’t know if I’m right, and often, I’ll sit back and really consider what they are saying before I rebut them.

Even in love, I don’t really chase or pursue females.  I figure if they like me….cool.  If not begone.   I still have the notion that we just enjoy our time together and once it ends, no hard feelings.    (so long as you don’t disrespect me).    I am a hopeless romantic during that time though (not too much as I’ve learned to hold back and not do too much).

I’m deep.  I am creative.  I’m a feeler.  I have a deep appreciation of the arts.  My fashion sense is pretty good.     I’m great at passionate love making as I can somehow ‘feel’ the right thing to do.  The right amount of pressure, kissing, licking, stroking….etc.   I’m pretty proficient at martial arts as I can somehow feel what is being demonstrated in my body and how to apply it practically.   I’m a great cook as I just somehow have a feel for it so to speak.   I intuit many ideas on philosophy, magic, psychology, etc.   I’m also a pretty good teacher.

I’m a pretty decent looking, intelligent, fit, empathic guy.   I’m very independent and somewhat a stoic.  I don’t like asking for help unless I necessarily need it.  While I can be a bit lazy, I do believe in self reliance and taking accountability for your mistakes.   I’m also a great apologizer and don’t mind admitting when I am wrong / did someone wrong.

Those strengths are also weaknesses when it comes to maintaining attraction with a woman.   On one hand, I don’t think that many come across a guy like me.   I think that once they get to know me, I’m sort of in a category of maybe….and I probably could have more women if I actually went out of my way to pursue.    That said.

Many of those traits are that of a ‘nice guy’.     The only difference is that I don’t feel that I deserve a specific woman because of that.    I don’t feel as if she should be attracted to me because of those things.    It’s just who I am….take it or leave it.   The best way to attract me is to show me love.   Looks are somewhat important (she can’t be ugly or too fat), but I’m not asking for a 9 or 10 or anything.  Personality, chemistry, and connection are way more important to me.

TBH, the amount I’m attracted highly depends on how much I feel she likes me….not for what I have or what I can do for her, but on if she really likes me or not.   I don’t really have a specific type, but there are certain women that I do find physically attractive.    I guess I’m a sucker for love.   I have no problem with monogamy as I prefer long term relationships to be built on trust and honesty.  I’m simple.   Materialism and gaudiness are turnoffs to me.

This makes me a bit boring.  Women love a take charge kind of guy.   It seems that they prefer a brutish, life of the party, wanting to be center of attention, alpha type.  While I do possess some charisma and charm, my laid back demeanor and introversion can make it seem that I lack confidence.    I’m a mixed bag.   Not socially lame, but also not quite DA MAN.   Better looking than average (I hear it enough to believe it), but not quite a sex symbol.    Stylish, but not dripping.

The thing that I have to do is be more aggressive.   I have to stop considering their feelings….at least not be so co dependent on their feedback.    But even before I get to that I have to actually KNOW WHAT I WANT.    I have to actually start giving a fuck about getting it regardless of how they feel initially.  I can’t be afraid to convince them or change their minds if I want them.

I can’t be so laid back and I have to start making life happen as opposed to letting it happen.   Alpha men tend to do this I think.  For better or for worse, right or wrong, they know what they want and do what it takes to make it happen.    I have the fundamentals, but I have to make things happen.

I’m not sure why I am so hands off when it comes my life.    I really often times don’t give a fuck.   Let’s just do whatever is my motto.  If someone feels strongly about something….and if it doesn’t bother me, let’s just do that.

I understand why women find this unattractive as they look for a leader/daddy type figure who will lead them somewhere.   Even if the destination seems impossible/improbable.   It’s why they LOVE ambition.    They want direction and if I can’t provide that, then in a sense, I’m probably worthless outside of hot sex and some emotional support.    I have to start giving more fucks.    Apparently it is possible to not give enough fucks.   AS with most things in life, there must be balance.    Some people give too many.   Me, I give too few.