I’m not shy, but here’s the thing

I think that my biggest problem has always been a lack of game. Game is pretty much speaking and acting in a certain way to people. It’s a form of small talk I suppose, but with humor and wit added in. A lot of times, I often find myself befuddled for words in this type of setting in general. This is so strange to me because I consider myself pretty smart. I don’t have a problem keeping up with conversations in my mind. I can hear funny shit and laugh. I can roast the shit out of people when i get warmed up. I can even say some pretty clever things when i freestyle and get warmed up ( i mention this for an important reason). People rarely say anything mind blowing or unheard of to me in every day conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I can answer questions and ask them. I’m not a complete mute. Ironically, one of my strong suites is creating rapport as I am a pretty good listener and my energy is calm. I tend to over think things, so I do consider things from several perspectives before giving my honest opinion.

But as far as quick thinking and witty banter goes, I don’t know why the words just won’t come (unless I’ve been drinking). It’s not like I feel nervous or anything. I don’t feel like i have anything to hide. I don’t feel that my opinion is irrelevant no any more or less important than anyone else’s.

I don’t think that witty banter or conversation should be that hard tbh. I mean I can follow along and follow the reasoning behind what others say. I don’t really think that they are more intelligent than me (on average). TBH, some people sometimes say some stupid shit, but it doesn’t seem to bother them or stop their flow.

But for me though, it’s like my brain just can’t think of anything to say. I don’t even worry about saying it aloud as many people have adapted to the fact that I usually don’t say much. But damn, i usually can’t even think of a snarky comeback or something that adds to the conversation outside of regular mundane small talk. I don’t think that they hate me, but I probably wouldn’t be they guy they’d want to go out and have a beer with.

This has been something that I’ve known since I was a child. I read ton’s of self help books /articles in and since college trying to figure this out. From my online research (google university) i could suffer from anything from: general depression, social anxiety, social phobia, maybe I’m slightly autisitic, too much masturbation (pre semen retention days), maybe I lack confidence, maybe I’m a beta male, maybe some people were born with the gift of gab and others not so much, maybe i give too many fucks, maybe I give too few. Who the fuck really knows. I have no clue and all of it could be right or wrong.

But this has been a real problem for me and I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so socially weird that I stand out like a sore thumb and I usually have enough autonomy and social acumen that I can generally get out of social situations before everyone figures it out. I mean, I can talk to people. But it’s more cringe or business than fun and most of the time. I usually walk away feeling worse about myself for a few minutes. There have been a few people in my life who i actually have fun with, but these people are rare to find. But the cool thing is that once we made that bond and reconnect years later, it’s like we’re right back to where we were. It’s effortless.

My therapist asked why it was such a big deal to me. I hate when they ask stupid questions like he doesn’t know the answer to it. As a man (especially a black man) he should know that there is so much pressure to have the right things to say. People subconsciously judge you a lot on that. I honestly think that part of the reason why my stbxw is unhappy with me is because of my slow tongue. I do also feel that I have missed out getting certain jobs or promotions because of this.

I do think that looks are very important. I’m not a bad looking guy and I know that I’ve been given a lot of grace when it comes to women and opportunity because of that. Plus my ability to gain rapport with people in a one on one setting helps. But I come across as a “nice guy.” I am so cordial because I really can’t think of anything else to say most of the time. And we know how that goes. On the flip side, i think that most women expect me to be able to talk better than I do and probably get disappointed when I don’t.

Wins and losses, but at least now I know that i can never really love a woman for real because once she finds out my “secret” she’ll lose attraction. Women love men who talk and when you don’t talk like that, you don’t appear “confident”. I do feel confident, capable, and competent enough as a man overall. It’s just this inability to “talk” or be more “clever” that vexes me.

I do know that I would do way better with women if i could talk better. But I cannot drink alcohol all the time though. I’ve turned to drugs in the past to help with this. I’ve even tried anti depressants. Maybe I didn’t give them enough time to work, but the real reason I was so depressed was because of this condition.

This shit is so fucking frustrating. I read, hear words, and think them to myself all damned day. Yet when it’s time to speak them, I can’t think of the right ones (outside of the cordial shit) to say. Like my brain draws a blank. Like there’s a misfire or something in my head.

The reason why I mentioned roasting and rapping earlier is because i think I’ve discovered a natural way to possibly over come this. I noticed that if I get into a flow if I’m roasting someone or freestyling, the words just come from nowhere. I don’t have to think of what to say, it just comes out.

Maybe good banter comes from a similar vibe. I’m trying to figure out how to do it. I mean I am thinking to myself all the time, but why doesn’t that translate in to better conversations though? Maybe if i consciously roast and freestyle in my head, when it’s time to talk, i’ll be in the right space.

I’ve been at this for 30 something years now. Maybe today will be the day I finally figure this shit out.

Baby steps towards the finish

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A funny thing about life…. at times I feel too comfortable to do something about it. The STBXW seems to be getting increasingly disrespectful by the day. And it seems that I respect her less and less for it. It’s so crazy how it appears that she has me by the balls. All because I don’t want to hurt kiddo. I don’t think that she realizes that my fear of hurting him is giving her this power. But by not reclaiming my power, I am enabling her to continue to treat me disrespectfully. As I predicted (possibly phophecied) things are getting worse. It’s becoming more and more apparent that she’s for the streets.

She wasn’t always like this….I don’t think. But she has really changed for the worse. Her morals and sense of right and wrong has declined. She’s lacks any sort of moral compass it seems. She is lazier than ever. She’s is becoming more selfish. It’s really bad around there and I need for her to leave. There is no reasoning with her.

I’m not used to living with “bad” people. In redpill communities, there is a debate between AWALT vs NAWALT. “All women are like that” vs “Not all women are like that.” Many say that “all are”. Many say that some are. Most probably say that all are. I can’t objectively speak on percentages, of those like that vs those who aren’t. I don’t know all women and I know a few who don’t seem to be that way. But in either case, SHE IS like that. Had I known she would end up “like that”, I wouldn’t have started a family with her.

I read an article about the 5 types of women who make bad wives. It should have been characteristics of a bad wife as she embodies aspects of each type of woman. She plans on going out and spending the night with a female freind tomorrow night (wednesday). The same one she’s always talking to and texting and going out with. I don’t know if I believe that. Who goes out in the same city and sleeps overnight in a hotel on a week night. She’s a mother and wife who hasn’t worked in 7 months. She can’t be stressed about work. She’s spending money on a hotel, so apparently she isn’t worried about money. It isn’t like she cleans or cooks consistently so she can’t blame too much housework for being stressed. But yet, she won’t leave.

Last night, I was sitting there listening to kiddo sing a song about happy days. She started singing along with him. It was a catchy song, but listening to his innocent voice singing this happy song almost cracked me up on the inside. Then hearing her sing along with him…. as if she has no cares in the world…..while treating me this way was a mind fuck. Dunno man, I know that my subjective perspective is probably creating this mental hell for me…..but still, there is a line between reframing “the facts” and ignoring reality. I need to cut her out ASAP.

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and wanted to let her know that in the next few days I’d be searching for one. I asked her to start thinking about a noncontested divorce vs a contested one since it costs way more money. Conventional wisdom says that I shouldn’t tell her about my plans….even though the lawyer thought that it might be good idea if I do….as not to blindside her. I’m assuming he’s thinking that the gesture of “good faith” can help things from becoming too contentious. I want to work with her and be as amicable as possible for kiddo’s sake. We just need to get this done.

Even though I don’t really want to be with her anymore I wish that someday she would look back and see how terribly she behaved and treated me. I’d want her to look at how she was so instrumental in destroying our home and marriage. I’d like for her to really be sorry, but not out of any sense of desperation to get it back…..(though I have at times wondered what it would feel like if she came crawling back)…. but out of true remorse. I don’t know why it would matter by then though. Hopefully, for me, I won’t even need her apology because I will have moved on with my life.

Finding the Right Way

I am learning that perhaps all is truly fair in love and war. This possibly includes deception and hiding the truth. I don’t really believe that. The fact is, is that it’s sometimes hard to stand on the truth, no matter how fair you want to be. It’s easy to say to be honest, but it gets so hard sometimes. Especially when you might end up hurting someone who doesn’t deserve it.

I lied to my lover this weekend about the fact that my stbxw was at home with kiddo. She wanted me to spend the night, but I declined. When asked why, I responded with he was staying with a friend and so I had to pick him up early. I think I must have forgotten to mention to her that she had moved back in.

She’s already somewhat jaded about the fact that I’m taking so long to get on with the divorce already. She’s been understanding for a LONG time and is probably starting to feel a bit crabby about dealing with my bullshit for so long. I mean I can’t keep using kiddo as an excuse.

STBXW is a really complicated situation for me. As far as I can tell, she isn’t really seeing anyone right now. (at least seriously), but still hasn’t said anything about fixing things between us. I keep telling her that it’s too late….the trust is gone. We lack communication skills…..etc. And while I do believe that, I sometimes wonder if the nature of her codependency leads her to also have a sense of doom and gloom as far as an “us” goes. As the man of the house, I figure that I am the leader. They follow my lead, subconsiously anyway.

She definitely isn’t a leader. Her indecision and lack of discipline, and femininity prevents her from being able lead. That is something that I somewhat like about her. Well the fact that she doesn’t fight or argue much. The problem is that she fails to govern herself and is a bit too codependent. This COULD work if she weren’t sneaky, didn’t lack integrity, secretive, selfish, and lacking in self reflection.

I could see how a man who has the type A, do as I say, here is my plan, be on my agenda, could dominate her without too much work. In retrospect, it’s not hard to see how her ex lover could have convinced her to betray me the way that he did. She lacks personal conviction and the guy (at least from what I can tell) is more “alpha” (type A) than I am. Don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t make him a better man than me. I feel that I could beat his ass in a fight. At war, I wouldn’t fear him and I don’t think he could outsmart me on a battlefield. In the streets, I mean, I wouldn’t have anything to lose either. I peeped other weaknesses about him in the limited interactions we’ve had, but this isn’t really about that.

I can be indecisive as well which is why my ideal wife would be able to help me think through some of these things. It’s hard for me to simply live for myself without considering those around me. I have a more utilitarian view of the structure of marriage where….even though I am the head/lead of the house, my wife is my number 1 counsel. Especially in matters where it deals with the household. For that, I need to be able to trust and communicate with her. In order for us to be on the same page, we’d have to hold ourselves accountable to and for each other. Our values when it comes to loyalty, love, and respect would have to be similar. I don’t want to feel like I have manipulate or dominate her into this.

Over the years, she’s shown me that they aren’t. The “small things” we disagreed about over the years….including privacy, how to divy up finances, the role of “platonic” friends in our lives, taking personal responsibility to and for each other have made realize that perhaps we may not jut be on different pages, but in different books entirely.

It’s not the fact that she made a few mistakes here and there. But the magnitude and level of them is the problem. Her response to them is an issue. But the truth is that The fact that she was able to do them in the first place is a huge indicator that her mindset and mine were totally different. It should be no surprise that her response to them wouldn’t be something that I could I could find satisfactory.

We just think and believe so differently. And knowing this is enough to make believe that there will be no reckoning or awaking for her. I just can’t trust that she won’t do it again. I believe that she doesn’t really recognize the level of cruelty in her actions. Lacking self reflection and empathy is a recipe for a repeated performance. It would take for her to really hit rock bottom and even then, there is no guarantee that she’d really get it. This is why, even though I wouldn’t wish this pain on almost anyone, she would be a person I wish could experience this. Not necessarily out of revenge or fairness, but maybe so she’d get the lesson as to WHY what she did was so bad.

I don’t think that she loves me enough as a person where I could do this to her. Her heart isn’t with me. Yeah, I might be having my own affair, but it isn’t for revenge. I sort of got caught up with someone who I never expected to. I wasn’t seeking ANYTHING long term. It never would have occurred to me that we would be dealing with each other for this long. Over time, I’ve grown to love her in a certain way, but not in that goofy “I’m so in love with you and I can’t live without you” sort of way. I do love being loved though. Whether she really gave her heart to me or not I can’t be certain. But it certainly feels that way sometimes. But she has also said a few things (out of ignorance perhaps) that give me pause as far as just letting go with her. Perhaps I’m bitter or perhaps I’m a realist. Perhaps I really just don’t love her like that or maybe I fear to do so….either way, my priority is to be able to figure things out with STBXW in a way that doesn’t permanaently damage kiddo.

Unfortunately, this involves me making her part of my complicated issues and in ways it does hurt her. To shield her from this pain, I lied to her “by omission” that STBXW had moved back in.

STBXW got in the bed with me the other night and wanted to fool around….i think. She didn’t say so, but was naked and was laying on me. I can’t front, things were pretty hard, but all I could think about how fucked up it was that if I did do it, I wouldn’t be able to tell my lover that. I was already feeling pretty shitty that I had to lie about STBXW being back. But having sex would have made me feel worse. Though I do understand that lying is also a pretty shitty thing to do too. I really cherished the ability for us to be honest with one another. So yeah, I fucked that up. But I mean, I probably could have had sex with STBXW and my lover wouldn’t have found out. That should count for something….right?

I instead pretended not get the “signal” and started an argument asking why she was “fucking with me and trying to talk while I was sleeping”. It worked because she’d been doing me like that for years.

I don’t think I’m totally head over heels for my lover, but I don’t want to treat her unfairly. I don’t know if she’d do the same for me, but all I can do is be responsible for my actions. I can’t worry about if she would sneak around on me. I haven’t caught her in any real lies and even though I don’t have that desperate love for her like that. Maybe I fear karma or maybe, it just doesn’t seem right. It does help me maintain frame as a fortunate side effect. Desperately loving someone seems to have the unfortunate side effect of blowing up in your face. At least, that has been my experience. With the converse generally going like how my situation with my lover has been. Dunno, sometimes I think that “love” is a joker. The less you love someone, the more they love you. Maybe my lover would actually love me more on a psycho/spritual/meta level if I did engage with sex with STBXW and lie “by omission” about it. Shit be like that when it comes to love it seems. But for now, I’m just trying to find balance without busting my ass.

I can forgive STBXW for her indescretions. I mean I really don’t think that she knows what she’s doing. Better yet, she is just who she is.

For example, I asked her why would she be ok with engaging in a selfish type of sex she allowed me to watch her pleasure herself, but wouldn’t allow me to penetrate. (That did happen a few times and I am ashamed of being so thirsty and lacking of self respect.) But anyway, I asked what if I let her watch me pleasure myself, knowing that she wanted sex (and was rejected every time she asked), but instead, got off and went to sleep. Her answer: “yeah, that is kind of selfish now that I think about it.”

“Yeah…..but you had to think about it… and that’s a problem.” I told her. I mean seriously, shouldn’t someone just “know” this stuff? I’m no master saint, but come on.

I know that I wouldn’t want my s/o to have to beg me for sex and only give her the satisfaction of watching me get myself off. I would like to think that I’d just know that this is not right….if not downright abusive. Especially if I had already done the things to her that she did to me. Especially knowing that the only reason she “forgave” me was because we neither want to hurt kiddo.

I’m not asking for sympathy as I have to take responsibility for putting myself in that situation to begin with. The level of abuse and toxicity is only going to get worse if I allow it. To my credit, the last time she tried to pull that shit, I cursed her out and she hasn’t tried it since.

I found out friday that my job benefits will actually pay for 20hrs with a divorce attorney. Here’s something trippy. A small voice in my head is telling me not to pursue it. I don’t know why this is. I’ve described in the last 4 years or so in this blog how terrible she is to me. And yet, there is some level of something that is telling me to slow down. As if I haven’t been patient enough. I did find relief in that I can use this as a sort of ace in the hole once if find out she’s back on the bullshit. Yet what more evidence do I need though. If she isn’t doing it now, it would just be a matter of time before she’s on it again.

I don’t hate her, I realize who she is and that she’s just not a good wife for me. It doesn’t make her a terrible mother or hitler or anyone. Just not a good partner. At least for me. We just have to figure out how to transition. Actually, scratch that, I have to figure out how to transition. She’s going to flounder her way around until either some dude tells her what to do or she stumbles into something. While using me as a safety net. Sure it works for her, but since she doesn’t love me back and I lack the capacity to hurt her back…. all this is doing is causing me to lower myself. For heaven’s sake, I am having an affair and I’m worried about hurting my affair partner. Despite the circumstances of how I got here, I am here so I fucked something up pretty bad.

I’d be the one suffering with low esteem, lack of sex and intimacy, possibly missing out on a s/o, and wasted emotional energy figuring out things that should be straightforward. Yeah, the next step into faith is following up with finding a divorce attorney to begin the process. I still haven’t figured out how to tell kiddo.

Ah, the joys of marriage.

What is wrong with Me?

I’m feel so stupid sometimes. STBXW is still here and I slowly feel myself wanting to try to work on things with her. She still hasn’t shown me any remorse and I really don’t know if she’s dealing with someone else. She still won’t let me see her phone. Whenever she does ANYTHING unpredictable, goes out with a friend, or doesn’t answer phone immediately, there is a big large part of me that thinks that she’s on some bullshit. She’s on the phone all the time, like most people, these days, but if I see her smiling too big or looking “suspicious”, then I’m thinking she’s talking to someone else.

I know that she gets a ton of notifications on instagram, but I don’t know if it’s just because someone she follows posted something or if it’s a dm. I saw a snapchat notification on her lockscreen, but when asked if she uses snapchat, she says that she doesn’t use it. She started going out a lot with her female friend and this chick is constantly talking to her and sending her text messages. I do know that her friend is a real “talker”. Like the type that NEVER runs out of things to say, so I know that she could be telling the truth about that. But at the same time, she could be using her as a cover. I mean friends are friends, but damn. Talkng to her every day and then receiving texts a lot seems like A LOT.

It’s no use in confronting her as either 1)I’m wrong and will come across as insecure or 2)She’ll just lie about it. I don’t know why in the fuck I’m feeling this way. I shouldn’t have to worry about this. I’ve told her these exact things and she’ll say that she understands, but still won’t offer the phone as reassurance. She still never said anything about actually trying to fix tihngs, but pretty much acts like she’s on the fence still.

I know this is unacceptable behavior. I don’t trust her. She knows this and doesn’t seem to care. I don’t want to feel this way. I find myself sighing a lot when she’s around, but I just can’t let my guard down enough to just relax and have fun. I know that it is a defensive mechanism and I’m ok with that. But still, I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. I just need for her to leave. it’s like it’s delaying my healing process. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around her. I feel judged and used. I feel like a loser around her. I feel like a sucker ass lil bitch. I feel like the female victim in a lifetime movie or something. Ironic because I could never see myself abusing a woman like that mentally. Well techincally not, but I now know that I have to do fucked up things sometimes to keep a woman from getting ‘bored.’ This has gotten way out of hand. I need to start over.

I can’t even manifest properly because I don’t know what I want from her. At all. I don’t know if I want her back enough to set that as an intention. I wnat her to change, but I don’t trust her enough to trust the process enough to put my heart into it. this is truly torture. I can’t stand it man. I feel stuck. I just want her to leave. I mean she’s shown time and time again that her character isn’t that of someone I can trust. I don’t know why my stupid mind won’t just let go completely.

Why do I have to get so angry. Her inconsistency seems to be rooted in either selfishness or deceit. Probably both. I just want to be OVER it.

I know that I can’t control her. Only me. And yet that seems difficult at times. I was getting so much better as far as letting go. I still don’t know why her presence is so vexing to me. A man should have peace. Forget that, a person should have peace in their home. I mean really, I don’t love her and I honestly believe that time away would help me immensely to get over this. If she had never come back, how much further along would I be? Kiddo and I would have our new norm.

This chick is such a fucking burden on my mind. It makes me feel emasculated. I feel so defeated when it comes to her. She is such a toxic person and it’s really wearing me down. She doesn’t even realize nor care. My vision seems cloudy and energy sapped when it comes to the future. I feel like I’m drowning over here at times.

Yet for the most part. I have so much to be happy about. I’m getting the intimacy I want from my lover, for now. I mean I’m not so clingy or jealous of her. We have just enough space to miss each other in a good way in my opinion. It seems pretty effortless for now. We laugh, joke, and have fun together. I find myself singing and dancing when I’m over there. I feel more quick witted and we can get each others’ jokes. She likes my body gains and sex is nothing less than amazing. (Yes I know I’m hypocritical at this point, but still, I wouldn’t even be in this situation if STBXW wasn’t such an unfaithful bitch (describing her actions but not meant in a degrading way) to me for so long). My job is going pretty good. My money is decent. I’m spending quality time with kiddo. I’m working out pretty much every day. My body is getting right. My hobbies are still interesting and fun to me. The relationships with my family and friends are pretty good. Bills paid on time.

But all of this sunshine seems blotted out by this one dark cloud that’s hanging over me. If she just didn’t live with me. She could do whatever the fuck she wants to do, just not while living in the house with me. Is that really too much to ask? Hell, there is no way in the HELL I’d want to be with a woman who’s so fucking self centered. I think she’s patently and genuinely ignorant and selfish. We don’t even have much in common. yet I feel judged by her (probably because I judge her so much). I feel a certain way if I play video games when she’s around. Then there is the awkward silence between us. I’m not much of a talker to her, and it brings old feelings of insecurity from back when I was shy and couldn’t think of anything to say. In a way, I feel that if I made her laugh more consistently, then maybe she’d be more open to fixing things. It’s as if deep down, I blame myself for that part. Perhaps it’s why (in addition to the cheating, trust, and communication issues we have), I silently judge her for being lazy, unclean, and hypocritical. She blames the problem on me being content in life(which in certain ways, she’s right). I am a pretty simply guy and I don’t feel the need to “build an empire” just for fucks sake. I’m not materialistic as far as needing a new Mercades Benz, designer clothes, expensive vacays, or a big fancy house on the hill. But I do understand that most women are attracted to “ambitious” and wealthy men.

But I think she’s a hypocrite because she hasn’t exactly done anything to “level up” since she got her master’s degree a few years ago. Hell she hasn’t even worked since last summer even though her “job” is in high demand right now.

I know that this isn’t the type of energy I need in my life. I don’t like judging people to this degree. It’s not healthy. As they saying goes……holding on to anger is like eating poison and hoping that someone else will get sick from it.

How can I know all of this intellectually, but yet and still suffer so much internally. Falling for and marrying the wrong broad can definitely fuck your life up. The worst part is that she will probably never be able to understand how much all of this is hurting me. I think that I can eventually forgive her ignorance, but she needs to give me the chance to heal. I’m tired of thinking about this. I’m pretty scared of falling in love right now. I fear falling for the wrong one again…..or that a woman I fall for might switch up on me like the STBXW would. It’s hell trying to get over it. God forbid we have a kid or two.

I need a drink.

The Magic of Conscious Manifestation

Conscious Manifestation is a practice. It is the ability to purposefully create a desired outcome.

Normally, the external world is objectively happening while your mind is steadily interpreting it in real time. This interpretation is subjective and is based on your subconscious expectations and assumptions. These subconscious expectations and assumptions take the shape how you feel in your body along with mental snapshots about the future.

Manifestation is about getting our desired wish fulfilled. Our desired wish fulfilled comes along with a feeling(peace, gratitude, happiness, lightness of heart). Conversely, our fears also come with a feeling (anxiety, doubt, wanting, lacking, heavy hearted).

Therefore our feelings on a particular happening is going to be based on our subjective interpretation which is based on our expectations and assumptions. Our expectations and assumptions are basically prayer requests to the universe. The feeling that we get are these prayer requests being answered. The answered prayer is our interpretation of the events that the universe shows us.

We normally do this on autopilot subconsciously. Negative assumptions and expectations give negative results. Positive Positive. We often hold conflicting beliefs in our subconscious so we’ll experience a sort of mix between the two.


are usually a combination of visual flashes and feelings in the present moment about a future event. They happen in our conscious mind, but usually mostly outside of our awareness. Our minds create these “flashes” about the future automatically. It’s almost like an expected frame of reality or slice of an anticipated stream of consciousness in the future. These flashes though in the conscious mind, are created automatically, subconsciously based on our hopes, fears, desires, and interpretations of our past events. They happen at any given time, in real time, in the present.

It can be compared to breathing. We’re always breathing, whether we are aware of it or not. No matter what we are doing at the time (in general) or focused on, we are also breathing.

And just like you can control your breathing or even become aware of it. You can also control your future projections.

Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. If you’re prone to anxiety, Anticipate a future where you’re feeling light hearted instead of heavy hearted. Assume it, expect it. The universe will then give you that. You may not know HOW it will happen, but it will end up happening where you feel light hearted. This is basic manifesting. Keep in mind that how well you feel is going to be in direct correlation to the degree you believe it will happen. You don’t have to maintain the feeling, it’s a set it and forget it type of deal. But it if it does come to mind, remember to anticipate positive feelings every time. Feeling is the secret.


Faith isn’t necessarily a 1 sum kind of thing. It isn’t like you either have it or don’t. You have a combination of confidence and doubt for any given situation. If your anxiety overwhelms your confidence, say 70% anxiety vs 30% confidence. You’re going to experience something where you walk away feeling pretty anxious. It gets dicier the closer your anticipated confidence vs anxiety level is. In general though, we keep about a 50/50 or 45/55 55/45 type of situation going. Unless of course we anticipate something good or bad based on past experiences, fears, feelings of worthlessness, peformance expectations and so forth. Again, most of this is subconscious. But we can get flashes or glimpses consciously if we place our awareness on how we feel about the”likely” outcome of a future event.


Visualization and Presence are both tools that we can use to reprogram/pre-program our subconscious minds to purposefully create reality. Think of visualization as a flash of forethought. This fore-thought coupled with the desired feeling is key to getting what we want. The visualization doesn’t have to be clear, but I believe that the clearer it is, the more likely the feeling AND circumstances will play out. Many times, we don’t care how the circumstances play out, we just want the positive feeling.

For example, people want money, not for the paper currency specifically, but for the feeling that the money gives them. The money is just a tool for them to have the feeling. (security, importance, validation, etc).

It may happen that circumstances will still play out in a way that your prayer request (anticipated feeling) is answered. In the way that you expected it. But it may not. You’ll get the feeling for sure, but maybe not in the way you might have expected it to happen. But the more specific you are in these vision flashes of projected future outcomes, the more likely it is to play out the way you expected it to.


A tool in order to grounded is the power of speech. Words act as sort of a guide to our feelings. Though not necessary.

Future thought projections often come in like pictures or quick snapshots. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Words can also house a ton of feelings and defnitions too. But positive affirmations along with the associated desired feelings can be used in leiu of actually sitting there and hashing out the details of the visualization. Think about it, most future snapshot projections usually aren’t THAT detailed anyway. Yet they are powerful. The more you practice consciously using this, you’ll see what I mean.

Words though, sort of give you a compass to direct your desired feelings. They can help focus your efforts. For example think about the question: “what are you going to do tonight.” vs “what are you going to do tonight when you get in bed”. The extra words or details act as a guide which break down specific snapshots of the anticipated future. Use them to sort of direct or lead to the snapshots.

Add feelings to these snapshots. You may not have to completely visualize your room with the bed, and how the soft the mattress is and what the sheets smell like.

But the more specific you are, the more things you directly affect. This is what I mean by direct manifestation. You’re creating more than just the ‘feeling.’ You can sort of create the reality. It’s what is meant by “living in the end.” Imagine already being in the desired state. Visualizing it can help the universe manifest the specific conditions by which you experience that desired state.

It resonates with me to say that though you can manifest the details, the more you attempt to do this, the longer it may take or your efforts may not be as powerful as you’d like since there may be other subconscious beliefs that block or conflict with some of the things happening.

For example, if you want to be wealthy and have a lot of money. You may want to manifest the feeling of ‘security’ that money can give you. And you think that being wealthy is the means to get it. However, you may also hold the belief that you have to work hard or have business to get it. When you look at your life, you see that you either aren’t working that hard or don’t have a business. This will conflict with you manifesting a lot of money because you hold the subconscious belief that you must work hard or be a successful entrepreneur or else you can’t/won’t get it.

The more specific you are about how you must achieve the feeling, the more likely you are to run into some block. It can either cancel or weaken what you’re trying to manifest. It may not though, but if reality isn’t giving you what you desire…..look within as opposed to looking to the outside world to try and figure out what’s going on. You may subconsciously have or possess some limiting/contradictory beliefs. But this can be debatable in my opinion.

I say weed out your garden.

Outside reality is a reflection of your internal beliefs (assumptions and expectations).

Consciously be your own self fulfilling prophecy.

See what works best for you.

A few resources you can look up on YouTube are Rev. Ike, Neville Goddard, Claude Bristol, Joseph Rodriguez, Napoleon Hill, Dr. Joe Dispenza.

Falling in Love… Don’t Do it

Man I swear that falling in love with a chick is the worst thing that a man can do. Liking her is ok. I’m not saying that you can’t even love her from a place of friendship. But longing, missing, and desiring to be with her has got to be the worst thing that you can do.

Fuckboys got it right. They’re wrong for lying and treating her heart like shit. But they are right in that they don’t develop strong feelings like that. You just never know how this woman is going to turn out. If you fall, and she either changes or hits you with the bait and switch…..it’s going to be a bad time. She isn’t worth it. And trust me, she won’t care if you no longer think that she is.

You have to dig yourself out of that depression or hole. I love women. My sisters, my mother, cousins, my lover. But it gets into dangerous territory with my lover at times. I have to actively remind myself to look at redpill content to keep myself from falling. I beleive that if I end up “head over heels” for her, she’ll lose attraction. Her expectations of me will rise to an astronomical degree. Even if I were super successful financially, she’d still partly lose that desire.

It seems that women want what they can’t have. They’ll take for granted that they already have. They’ll want more. Keeping a distance seems to be the only way to keep her somewhat interested. Of course, that’s dangerous too as someone out there may eventually give her what she wants. But if he does, then he shoots himself in the foot too. Why do I want to love anyone anyway. I just want “my person” and we’ll conquer the world together somehow. But that’s probably just a myth.

I say all of that because despite the shitty way my wife treats/treated me. And all of the complaints I have agianst her. Sometimes, I have to check myself. I don’t hate her. I just hate the way she makes me feel about myself. I hate the way that I am still somewhat hung up on her. When I say that there really is no attraction there, I really want to believe that. But There has to be something going on as to why when she pulls away, I feel a certain way about it. I don’t know why though. I fell really hard for her back when we first met. My guard was completely down. Here it is going on 5 years later and I’m still somewhat vexed by that fact. I HATE IT.

I don’t even really want her back. Truth be told, I don’t even really like her. We haven’t made love in years. The pity sex is terrible. Communication sucks. We don’t really have fun. Then there is the cheating. We don’t have much of anything in common. I constantly catch myself sighing when she’s around. My dick actually burns when I had sex with her. Like i fucked a grapefruit or something. It never did with anyone else before or after. My STI tests come back clean. If that ain’t a sign, I don’t know what is. I have so many other complaints. Hell, she’s average looking at best objectively. Though at one time, she was my 10. I feel cursed for having loved her so damned hard.

Why am I so insecure around her. It’s like we can’t just talk. Everything is just so forced. I just need to be away from her I think. She doesn’t understand how this is taking a toll on my emotional and mental health. I tried explaining it, but she just sits there. Silently. Not saying anything about that. Changing the subject to some bullshit. “ma’am I don’t give a fuck about basketball wives or growing up hip hop right now (or ever for the record).

How did something start off so beautiful end up so toxic.

I found out that the mysterious 3am call was her ex affair partner. She claims that it was a random call. But once again, I can tell the difference in her. It’s like she doesn’t even notice that she acts differently…..even worse when someone else is in the picture. Why is she so fucking stupid? A 40 year old woman acting like a 17 year old teen. Falling for weak ass game. I read their texts and it’s just terrible. I mean, I don’t see how it works. I’ve read other guys texts to her her and they were considerably better. Dude has 0 game (text game anyways), but she sees/saw something in him. I guess it works for a certain type, but just saying, I couldn’t see myself in a mental space to be saying/tying some of that shit. I didn’t see anyting I’d steal…..Just saying. But it goes to show how incompatible we are. She’s just not MY type I guess. He must like slow immoral women with terrible values. Like attracts like they say.

This is so toxic. Perhaps I’ll call a lawyer today and see what my options are. I can’t afford a divorce attorney. But something has to give.

In reality, he can have her. I don’t care. I just don’t want her living with me while sneaking around with that narcissitic bastard. Dude got all these other kids and all these baby mama’s that he keeps cheating on. He’s a notorious cheater and even IF he changes for her, that’s their business and I don’t want any parts of it. If he makes her happy despite all of that….so be it. I really could give 2 fucks. I just don’t need that energy around me. He literally gets off on the idea of her cucking me for some reason. Confirmed by a few texts that I saw exchanged between them. I don’t deserve that shit. I don’t even know the dude personally, but I’m not trying to be a part of his sick ass fetish. Perhaps both of those sickos/psychos are really better for each other. Either way, I don’t want anything to do with either of them. I don’t need that type of energy in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if she is a bot. I mean seriously. How can anyone lack self reflection that degree. Something has to be seriously wrong with her mentally. She’s off. Has to be. I can’t explain how someone could just be THAT way. I’m not perfect, but got damned. This chick is just off and really doesn’t get it. I can’t make her get it. I fucked up when I decided to make a family with her. She’s the worst thing that ever happened to me. Ironically, she gave me the best thing that ever happened to me though. Kiddo.

Level Up

The biggest complaint that my stbxw had about me was the fact that she felt that I wasn’t “ambitious” enough. Sure, I have a decent middle class job. I am pretty comfortable financially even though I do acknowledge that I could probably get more certs or go back to school in order to get more pay.

From what I hear from women online, it is a deal breaker if a man isn’t constantly trying to make it to the “next level”. So maybe she has some legitimate complaints. While i don’t think it was worth breaking our family up over, I would have at least liked to have had the opportunity to “level up” if that would have kept her from cheating to save the marraige. I wish she would have communicated that with me.

Even though I now see that it is important for some women and it’s sort of like maintaining physical attraction. I’m not motivated to do it for her now. It would be stupid to change that about myself simply for her. I suppose I could do it for myself though.

I’m really just not materialistic like that. I’m a simple man as far as finances goes. I mean, as long as I can support myself, not bum off of others, and maintain a decent life, I’m pretty good. I don’t have a need to “build an empire” just for the sake of building a damned empire. If I found something that I enjoyed doing and could make a ton of money doing it, I would. But working my ass off to buy things that I don’t want just for people who I don’t like to like me isn’t high on my priority list.

Would I take a luxury car or mansion? Sure. Who wouldn’t? But I feel that having a damned purpose (other than making more money) would be much more fulfilling than just working to keep up with the Jones’s.

So as it is, I either need to find a woman who isn’t all that materialistic. As long as she can take care of herself, I’m good with that. We don’t have to necessarily stay where we are currently, but if we were to maintain and have savings for retirement and a rainy day, I’d be ok with that too. Or I have to change and figure out some way to level up in order to attract and keep more women. Either way, as of now, I’m cool.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos about men “finding their purpose” and making money in order to become a “high value” male. That’s cool and all, but I gotta stop watching these videos because often times, it’s content creators telling men this. In other words, these guys get a smug sense of superiority because they “leveled up” by telling other men to “level up.” If it wasn’t for youtube, they’d probably be just like me financially.

It would be like a person who made their fortune by writing books on how to get rich even though they were broke when they wrote it. It’ s not even hate. I don’t want what they have neither do I think that they don’t deserve what they have. God placed us is different positions, but I am pointing out the irony of how theyx got it. And not even that, it’s really about the newfound “superiority” complex they have now. Sir AlphaGuy88 <insert youtube handle>, I’ll still beat yo ass.

Not saying what they say doesn’t make sense to a certain degree. I just can’t with the superficiality and newfound sense of self righteousness. But who knows. If I come into sudden financial success through my hobbies, maybe I’d become a smug, superficial, self righteous asshole as well.

Letting Go

Spent an amazing day with my lover and I’m afraid that I may have to let her go. She loves me and wants to be with me on a relationship/marriage tip. I really love her too, but I’m just not sure if I can measure up to the expectations she has for a husband.

Even though she says all of the right things, I’m not sure if I truly believe it. I just feel that she deserves better if I’m honest. She has her shit together…..finance wise way more than I do. I see myself as more or less a free spirit. Good intentions, but not prepared to take her on. If I were wealthy, then I could see myself giving it a go.

She might be blowing it with the guy she went on the date with. Maybe she isn’t really giving him a fair shake because of her lust for me. Our sex is amazing. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts. We do have a real friendship and I really do care for her well being.

It’s addictive. I hate that I seem to be so good, yet so bad for her at the same time. The best thing to do is to leave her alone. I mean, I don’t know dude, but it would appear that he might be willing to give her the ring and big wedding she wants.

Dunno. Maybe I’m expressing insecurity, but I just would like to be what I think she deserves. Though not perfect (who is?) I just want her to be happy. I don’t know that we could be that while doing real life together. I know that money and finances aren’t everything…..but as of now she makes really good money and it does matter to women….no matter what she says. What would her family and friends think. I mean, how could I love her without losing respect from her in the context of marriage right now?

Financially, I do ok. I am independent. I’m comfortable. I’m not poor, but comfortably middle class. But I also have a kid and I haven’t made the steps to get divorced from my failed marriage. It makes me believe that she deserves better. But if I do come up, my financial luck changes, I’d scoop her up bcuz id know that she didn’t love me just for my money. Ironically making me feel like she is a jewel who does deserve better even more.

Dunno. It’s just on my mind. Love is a drug man.

I have to concede that I’m making changes. I never thought I could consider dealing with a woman knowing that she had relations with another man so recently. Yet I did and didn’t even feel terrible about it. Just knowing that she wants me so bad is a turn on.

On the flip side. My wife’s phone received a text notification at 3am this morning. Dunno why I got so mad about it. I really shouldn’t care. But it really set me off. She wouldn’t tell me who it was so I’m assuming that it was some guy. When pressed, she said, “I don’t want to tell you.” when asked why, she goes: “I can’t control who or when someone texts me.”

Like bruh. Noone is going to just randomly text you at 3am on a Monday morning. You had to be have been in communication with him. Whomever he is. Of course, more lies. She could have at least let me see who it was, what they said, and then let me see her reply back something to the effect of never texting her again. But either she’s lying or even IF she’s telling the truth, it shows that she still chooses to maintain deception. If I hadn’t heard it, I wouldn’t have even known about it.

I know this is hypocrisy at it’s finest. However, she doesn’t seem to care and I never have to lie about my situation. She literally never asks. If she knows, then why wouldn’t she bring it up when I”m talking my shit. Man, I know that I really need to leave her be. I just don’t know why I get so mad.

I’m thinking that this must be a respect thing. I don’t want to be with her at all. We’re at a point where I see NO redeeming qualities about her. If it is true that my thoughts and feelings about her are going to keep manifesting bullshit which confirms the negative view I have of her, I can only expect things to get worse. I really dislike her though. I blame her for being so gotdamn evil, cruel and wicked. I can’t help it it seems. It’s so fucking dysfunctional.

She literally won’t or either can’t communicate. She’s deceitful. Lazy. Has terrible sex. Shallow. Ignorant. Selfish. Immature (more than me even). Nasty (always farting, leaving unclean underwear around). Her laugh is extra loud and annoying as fuck. Illogical. Says really stupid things and means them. “It’s more respectful to cheat behind your back than in your face.” Makes pop phrases common in her conversation. Crude. Disloyal (to a treacherous degree). Always tired and sleepy. Materialistic. Thinks that vacationing is the same as travelling. Emotionally devoid. I could keep writing, but in a way, I don’t feel so great about feeling these things about her.

I guess I’m just venting as I really can’t talk to anyone about this. Noone wants to hear my complaints or either already expect these things from her. I don’t know man. I never thought that I could end up here. Is it me? I mean gotdamned. I’m not perfect, but still, I don’t think I deserve this hell. Or maybe I do. Is she really that terrible? Am I exaggerating this? Is this mostly in my head? It seems bad though. I promise, I never felt so much disillusionment like this for anyone like this before. I’ve never had as much dislike for anyone my whole life. I have never been this judgemental. Not saying that I liked everyone I met, but I never felt so much anger/hurt/disappointment/confusion/judgment/contempt. I actually feel a bit bad about it. It feels toxic in a way. But I’m not sorry that I feel that way.

And to make matters even worse. She won’t argue back. She won’t defend herself. Or if she attempts to do so, the responses are so terrible that I can’t believe that she went with that as a counter argument. Sometimes it feels like I’m her dad lecturing her and being too hard on her or something. It really feels like we shouldn’t really be talking about these kinds of things at this age. Like, we both know that this behavior isn’t ok….right? I mean I really shouldn’t have to tell an adult that they’re being disrespectful. I sometimes feel confused because I don’t know this is just a manipulative tactic or if she really does not get it. Is she really this ignorant or is she just trying to throw me off? I mean it might explain how she could possibly have never considered that despite the constant complaints about her fucking up, her lack of sex, me not asking for it anymore, and lack of trying….that I wouldn’t find something on the side? I mean does she know, but just not care. But why wouldn’t she say ANYTHING about that and choose bad arguments instead? I’m either grossly overestimating her social intelligence or terribly underestimating her manipulative ability. She’s either really smart or really stupid. I don’t like these games. I wonder if I’m becoming toxic my damned self at this point.

Maybe it’s another reason why I think that I’m still so guarded with my lover. I can’t give anyone the chance to get this close to be able to hurt me so deeply again. Maybe I am damaged. I suppose that I am toxic to her in certain ways. I mean she actually had sex with another guy the same week she had sex with me. She says that she feels bad about doing that. I believe her. I know that she did what she felt like she had to do. But fuck how we “feel” about it, why in the fuck did our circumstances end up where she even felt justified in doing such a thing.

I need to get away from them both and heal myself before I get hurt more and end up hurting her more. It feels like I’m losing myself sometimes.

Flip Side

So over the weekend, my lover had a “date”. After he left, she called and was honest about pretty much everything. Yeah, they had sex. I expected it. It was one of those things where I didn’t know how I’d react once I found out. I wasn’t really all that upset with her. I understood why, hell, I probably would have done the same thing.

She says that he’s so nice. Almost too nice. According to her, he wanted to wait to have sex. But I know she gets lusty when she drinks. She told me they did, but it sucked. She also told me he was boring. But the guy has a nice corporate job and is marriage minded.

I told her that good sex is great and all, but it can’t be a deal breaker. But to her point, I guess that attraction and sex is important in a relationship. I wonder if we didn’t have such an intense connection, if she would have given him a chance.

I encouraged her do what she feels is right for her and that I’d have her back regardless. I love her and I want her to be happy with or without me. I just know don’t think that I’m marriage minded. I couldn’t see myself getting out of my marriage and jumping into a relationship even though the stbxw and I are basically just married on paper and have been that way for a few years now. I don’t know what she’s going to choose moving forward.

It feels weird. On one hand I missed her. But I can’t see myself married to her. Not that she’s a bad person. We’re good for having fun together. Not for doing real life though. Her lifestyle is so different, in ways so much better than mine in a financial sense. Someone would have to be the responsible one and neither of us are really that. We’d drink and get fucked up all the time. I feel that I’d just drag her down and ultimately, she’d end up hating me for it. She claims that the money isn’t an issue. I don’t think it is now, but it might be in the future. I really don’t feel like I’m good enough to marry her. I’d want to do more. Financially, I’m ok, but I wouldn’t be adding anything to her. If she’s still around when I get my millions, then maybe?

Normally, I never thought that I’d want to ahve sex with a woman after she had sex with another guy so recently. It’s weird that I’m not so bothered by it with her. I don’t see her any differently. Not to say that I want it to become a habit with her. But as far as I know, I’m the only guy she had sex with since I met her. And she’s been pretty honest. I love her as friend. A true friend. It goes beyond just sex and relationships. In a way, she’s like a sister or something. I wish me and stbxw could have had a real friendship and good will towards each other. Love taught me that sex is great, but perhaps I was too rigid about the importance of it. Then again, I still wouldn’t want my WIFE to have sex with other men.

As for my stbxw. I don’t know what’s to her. I know that she gets tired of me always bitching at her about everything. It was her birthday weekend, so me and kiddo did get her something and made a special dinner for her. It turned out pretty good.

The problem is that she’s so damned illogical. She won’t communicate. I get tired of kicking her down all the time. Even if I try to say positive things, she just won’t communicate.

While obvious, she isn’t interested in fixing the marriage, I’m just pissed about the lack of honest communication. It’s like we’re stuck in a rut spinning our wheels. We could be doing so much better if she’d just stop being so uncooperative. It was a four day weekend and both of us were off and have money. It also happened to be valentines day and her birthday. Despite covid being out, we could have gone somewhere on vacation like ya know….normal couples.

It’s strange that my lover would be willing to work on a relationship, but my wife isn’t. The stbxw doesn’t seem to care that we have a family on the line. My lover thinks that I want the wife. And she’s not completely wrong. I want my family and I want my son to grow up in a home with both parents. STBXW just so happens to be in that role. But it’s not like i’m exactly happy or desire stbxw….if that makes sense.

I don’t understand how she could…..on one hand say that she believes in the importance of a nuclear home, but at the same time, won’t do anything to try to fix the mess she put us in. My pride is too damaged to attempt to rebuild anything. I don’t trust her. But she’s doing almost nothing to reach out and build the gap.

How could she just check out and give up on us? It’s bigger than her or me. If it was just “us” then I could see it, but how could she be so callous about kiddo? Not to mention that the sex is just terrible……mostly nonexistent…. even worse when compared with my lover. I wonder if she caught an STD or something. I mean seriously, how can a grown ass woman just not have sex…..unless she’s getting it from someone else. I’m a pretty attractive looking guy so even if she didn’t want me as a husband….i’d think that we could have sex sometimes. It would probably bring us closer together…..as sex does tend to have that effect on people. It didn’t used to be so terrible until she started her affairs.

At times i just wish that she’d just leave. Why does she have to make things so difficult. Why is she just being a bitch about everything? Everything has to be a gotdamned joke to her. We can’t even really have fun anymore. How can she just know that she’s being a bitch and not care? What happened to her? She won’t defend herself nor her actions. She won’t offer any explanations. She won’t debate, argue, minister about anything. Just sit there and take it.

I hate how it makes me feel. I’m not her father so I hate lecturing her about how to properly treat people. Conversation is pointless. She just sits there silently listening. Talk about a mind fuck!!! Why is she so damned stupid? I mean how could I have missed it. Did she change or was she always like that? It’s another reason why I’d fear getting married again. If someone could change so radically and not give a fuck….. I mean just check out when we have a kid and family on the line…..Why would I risk putting them through that. WTF is going on in her head? It’s beyond frustrating. Made more so by the fact that she seems to have some conceptual understanding of right and wrong. She even admitted that she wouldn’t want a woman to put kiddo through this.

This has been going to for too got damned long. I have to get divorce papers drawn. This isn’t good for my mental health. Who knows what damage we’re doing to kiddo.

All women cannot be like this. Many are for sure. But of all the ones I could have chosen…..i pick the pretty girl with serious mental issues. Or maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I should just chill. Maybe I shouldn’t mention how she’s constantly pissing me off. I’m just frustrated and angry at her lack of cooperation. Why does she seem so fucking evil to me? I’m just frustrated right now.

Overcoming Trauma

The outward world is a manifestation of your inward beliefs. At least according to some spiritual gurus.

I’ve noticed a marked difference in my behavior around different people based on our “vibe.” There are some people I can talk to all day about anything and the conversation just flows. With others, I have to struggle a bit, but we can have pretty good interactions. However with others, we can’t get anything going and it feels cringy.

As of late, I’ve been consciously saying to myself right before or during an interaction things like. “I like you, you like me. This is going to turn out well.” or I’ll think “We’re going to have a good conversation.” And it usually does!!! I don’t have to force it. Hell, I’ll often forget that said it during the interaction. But looking back afterwards, we generally have good interactions.

I’m setting something up here so bear with me.

If I imagined beforehand how my ex lover would look satisfied after sex with me….and how I would feel at THAT moment before we met up. She would show me that. I didn’t have to say anything. It was as if the positive expectation and assumptions would create that positive outcome. More specifically, the positive expectation of the feeling fulfilled. It’s not like i had to keep thinking about it during our interaction/sex. It just happened.

Based on the way she speaks of our sexual chemistry, I can’t help but think that she believes it subconsciously as well.

Succintly put, our expectations and assumptions are manifested into reality in the measure by which we believe them.

We need to take a couple of things into consideration here when I speak about “measure”.

1)We may have mix of positive and negative assumptions / expectations

2)Some of these expectations and assumptions (positive or negative) are subconsious.

You’ll generally see outcomes that satisfy (to some degree) the totality of these positive and negative assumptions and expectations. As result, for the most part, things are rarely as good or as bad as you expect them to be. But if you had no previous expectations, then positive outcomes result with positive expectations…..likewise with negative.

We all manifest and create our reality based on our assumptions. We normally do this on autopilot based on our subconscious expectations and assumptions. Our subconscious thoughts are already programmed by our experiences and interpretation of those experiences. That said though. Thinking is a bit like breathing. We normally put it on autopilot. But, at any moment, we can consciously control the process.

The same as with manifestation. Although we can consciously control it <and I’ll get to HOW> later, we normally allow it to run on autopilot.

As simple as it sounds to control what we manifest, it’s not quite that easy. It does take a bit of conscious effort. It also takes a bit of self reflection and self honesty. I’ll give a couple of examples.

I used to be really shy and had difficulty talking to people. I eventually grew out of shyness, but I’m still a bit of an introvert. Not surprisingly, I’ve always had difficulty with “cold approaching” women. It wasn’t necessarily the fear of rejection that prevented me from “shooting my shot.” But the fear that my brain just wouldn’t think of ANYTHING appropriate to say.

In order to overcome this, I’d run scenarios in my head as if what would I say and How would she’d react. It generally always ended up (in my imagiation) that she’d reject me. Not in a cold or bad way, but in an “i’m not interested” or “i have a boyfriend” type of way.

I had already concluded subconsciously that she wouldn’t be interested, but it wouldn’t be too awkward.

Invariably whenever I did work up the balls to talk to one, it generally ended up being exactly like that. There were a few exceptions, but for the most part, it generally ended up….not as bad as I’d expected (as I assumed the fear was just nerves), but not quite as good as I’d liked (getting her number and her interest). My assumptions and expectations were fulfilled. What I said to her specifically didn’t matter. It is more about how I felt and what I expected to happen.

Another example is with boxing. Though I am pretty decent. There are times where I feel that against certain people, I can’t quite get their number and figure them out. However, if before class, I imagine a scenario where I hear someone say “Wow you’ve gotten better.” I usually either figure out some technique during the time or recall something in the middle of a sparring session that ends up with them dapping me up and saying “good job.” or I just wouldn’t have the opportunity to spar that person that night. It’s actually not about me hearing them say “Wow, you’ve gotten better.” that i’m desiring. But it is the feeling of how I’d feel when I hear them say it that manifests itself.

I realize that all of this could be coincidental. Or maybe I’m counting all of the hits while ignoring the misses. But it seems to be working for me for now and I’m going to run with it.

Another example is the amazing sex sessions I previously spoke about with my lover. I never knew about this, positive expectation/assumption thing before I met her….. so results in the past with previous lovers have been varied. I’d imagine it was based on how I felt overall at the time.

All of that said. I’m starting to conclude that most of the issue with my stbxw has a lot to do with my assumptions and expectations on her.

After being hurt, blindsided, and betrayed by her, I am expecting it. I assume that she doesn’t respect me. I assume that she isn’t attracted to me. I assume that she’s devoid of understanding and lacks emotional intelligence. I also assume that she isn’t ALWAYS cheating, but she can start back at any given time. I assume that she’s going to reject me for sex. And it generally always plays itself out. And I assume that I’m going to feel inadequate because I can’t attract her. And it happens. Since me and my ex lover called things off, (and I’m horny) I consciously created a scenario where I’d get oral from the stbx. I also assumed it would be weird. She offered it once, but I rejected her. Literally pushed her off and said. I’m just joking. The second time, I assumed it would be weird….and it was as weird as I figured it would be. It’s a self repeating self fulfiling prophecy. Before, I was ignorantly subconsiously creating it. But now, it would appear that I can consciously create what I want.

I’m saying all of this to say that I’m a believer in this stuff. I’m thinking that I could possibly fix things with her using these laws….. but I don’t really want to. I’m not motivated by her. I’ve created scenarios in my mind where I don’t respect her. I’m not attracted to her. And now, she says and does things that really turn me off towards her. Her actions line up generally with what I expect. I expect her to be unattracted and turned off by me. As a result I feel and act self conscious and unattractive when I’m around her. Thus fulfilling my assumptions and expectations….most of this is subconscious btw.

This is a result of the trauma she put me in. My assumptions and expectations are based on fear of getting hurt again. They act in a way to protect me from that. My subconscious mind is programmed. I don’t trust her. (Again, this assumption will continue to play itself out if i leave it unchecked). But it’s like I find comfort in this space….despite it being toxic for me and overall mental well-being.

I shouldn’t rely on my unconscious interpretation of the external world to create my inner sense of happiness and peace. The happenings /outcomes are just vehicles to get me to the destination of the “feeling” i’d like to have. Currently, I expect feelings of hurt and disappointment subconsciously and I am getting exactly that.

My experience of her is an mirror. It is a reflection of conscious and subconscious assumptions and expectations that I have about her manifesting itself into my reality. The unconsious interpretation of this results in the “feeling” that I expect to have. In that measure. In this case, it’s an undesired feeling.

This is an example of how we can manifest bad things into our lives if left on autopilot.

Confidence therefore is having positive expectations for a positive outcome. Fear is the positive expectation of a negative outcome. Faith is maintaining positive assumptions despite being unable to presently see the desired outcome. Doubt is maintaining negative assumptions despite presently not experiencing the undesired outcome.

I’ve consciously and subconsiously lost confidence and faith in her. But the biggest issue isn’t losing faith in her. It really all about me. I’m giving her too much power over my experience. I am allowing my fear/anger/hurt….etc to dicatate how I feel about myself and ability to create a more desirable outcome. I am allowing fear to create Fear and Doubt which manifests itself into disappointment and failure.

Overcoming this is hard. Very hard. There is something within me that is totally irrational when it comes to having feelings of “good faith” towards her. It’s like I’d rather suffer than extend an olive branch, even if it means that this might be a pathway to inner peace. So i suppose I haven’t forgiven her yet.

I don’t really know WHAT i want from her at this point. I need to figure that part out. But until I overcome this trauma (subconsciously and consciously)…..I’m going to continue to dwell in this hell of insecurity and negative feelings. But I got this.

This understanding should help me overcome.