Relationships Suck

It’s funny how everyone wants a significant relationship where there is no cheating, honesty, and the person to have their back. On the other hand, everyone seems to be cheating, lying, and on some petty stuff. It really makes you not want to fall in love. Yet and it seems like something is missing without that someone in your life.

I’ve been following a few popular instagram influencers (kas facts, changing lanes, bitchproblems) and they are constantly posting memes about side dude this, side chick that and it makes me wonder if there are any faithful people left. It’s as if we live in a society where cheating and dysfunction is the norm.

Given the toxic situation with my wife and affair as a result, I should be the last one to point fingers. It’s odd, but even though I haven’t defined the terms of relationship with my partner, I still feel the need to be faithful (fidelity wise) to her. I know this is dangerous and probably a bit toxic to her as she has no way of knowing if I’m actually sleeping with my wife other than my word. This also leads me to believe that she could possibly lie to me about her extra curricular activities. Obviously I’d prefer for her to be honest, I’d understand why she might not feel the need to be transparent or either seize any opportunity to find a normal relationship.

Society’s attitude about marriage renders the whole point of it moot. From a practical standpoint, there is no reason to get emotionally involved with anyone, let alone get married. People are all about their personal happiness and it increasingly seems that it’s acceptable to break up families and homes simply because one person has a general sense of unhappiness.

In addition, it seems that a lot of men out there don’t respect other men’s marriages. They don’t mind getting sex from a married woman if she puts herself out there like that.

I started watching videos of men who were dating married women on YouTube yesterday and I was disgusted. Some of these men fell in love and were heartbroken over the fact that she ended up choosing her husband and families over them.

I had no sympathy for them at all. I have no sympathy for people who interfere with marriages, especially when kids are involved. They are the worst, allowing their thirst, lust, and feelings to potentially emotionally damage and destroy a child’s home.

One guy sat and claimed that he didn’t deserve the heartbreak because he felt like he was a “good person”.

Dude, you were willing to break up another man’s family just for sexual attention. You intentionally made plans and went along with violating another man’s wife….(even if she was complicit)….potentially destroying his home, psychologically damaging his kids, and decimating his finances.

The thing is that what if she did the exact same thing to you? Would you want to be the husband in that situation? What if you marry her, she gives you kids, them a home, and she does the exact same thing to you?  As much as you “love” her, how do you think the husband feels.   In my opinion you deserved it plus much worse.

In fact, I hope it works out for you and her and she does the exact same thing to you.  Or I hope that you find some other chick who does the exact same thing to you and justify it with, “she’s unhappy.”   I really hate men like that.   To violate a man’s family, children, and finances is about as scummy and grimy as it gets.

Many people say that you shouldn’t take your anger out on the affair partner, but the unfaithful partner instead.  I say the anger should be directed towards both.   If my wife is negligent and leaves the door to the house unlocked and a thief breaks in, I’m not just going to be angry at the wife, I’m also angry at the thief.

It seems that people these days are stupid and narcs beyond belief.   It’s all about them.   Having a good/decent heart and proclivity to honesty is a weakness.   People have no qualms with taking your good faith in them and using it against you.    The thing is, they all put up a good show and act as if they are so good.   Or they act hypocritically and bitch and moan when they know they’re dead wrong.

Perhaps I’m bitter and cynical after what happened.   But i’m really not feeling this relationship thing even though deep down I want to find a decent person (moral wise) to deal with on a real level.   The assholes don’t realize how damaging it is to hurt someone’s heart….as if it’s some trivial thing.   Their advice is just suck it up and move on while the other person gets away scott free it seems.

I hate my wife sometimes.   Not dislike, but actually hate her for what she did/ is doing to me and our family.   I hate that I hate her.   But it’s so personal.   She seems so oblivious.   As if it’s a game.   She relishes in the power of being able to fully destroy someone.   And she still thinks she is a good woman who deserves some guy to come in and make her happy.   There is a pretty good chance that she’ll eventually get it and has no problem with how she goes about getting it.  She’ll probably never fully comprehend or grasp the amount of pain she put me through and will probably remain ignorant of truly how much abuse she inflicted on me.

Sure, I may be a hypocrite for going out and doing “me” so to speak instead of ending it.    This isn’t easy nor is the path straightforward.   It’s easy to say to just divorce her and move, but divorce isn’t easy, add to the fact that we have a little one, add to the fact that I probably am emotionally traumatized and feel forced to make a huge decision that will likely hurt the kid.

I know I sound like a damn victim here, but I’ll say that there is an element of victim shaming at play from people not in the situation.    It’s like if one boxer cheated and kept getting away with hitting his opponent with low blows.   The ref and and crowd then tells the violated boxer that he must continue and criticizes him for complaining or not being able to perform at his best ability.  So called “alpha” men would say that I deserve this because, we as the man are always to blame.  I didin’t handle her correctly or I was too blue pilled.   Dunno, maybe?

I’m just tired man.   I know people in history and in the world have gone through/are going through much worse.   Add that to the fact that I do have my health, a stable career, family and friends who are also healthy (overall), and potential for a better future, I should focus on being grateful for the things that I do have going for me.  I’m living in a time where technology affords me all sorts of luxuries that previous generations could only dream of.    We don’t live under threat of imminent war in my area and food and opportunities seem quite abundant for now.

As bad as my marriage and relationships in general seem these days,  I suppose that things could be much worse and in fact overall, life is much better than I could have ever hoped for.    Perhaps the key is redirecting my attention towards the things I’m grateful for instead of focusing on the few problems.




Her name is Lust

Tumblr officially banned porn about a year ago.  It was really my main source of looking at it, so it really wasn’t too hard to give it up.   Today, I stumbled across a few porn threads somehow and after a few minutes down the rabbit hole so to speak,  I realize that porn is evil.

My physiciological reaction to seeing a woman’s naked body is insane right now.   It might be due to the fact that I’ve been practicing semen retention.   Basically, no masturbation.   Since my lover is out of town, that means no sex at all, even on the weekend.

I could practically feel the dopamine surge through my brain as I saw these ass naked women spread.   It reminds me of why we men simp so hard for women and do the most for them.    There truly is power in the pussy.

For me, that’s enough porn.  I’m good.   I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my body.   Unbridled lust is a reminder of how weak we as men are.   I see why men in the middle east are prefer to keep women as clothed as possible.

Yoga pants, sun dresses, tight jeans, halter tops, bikini’s and all of that definitely makes me feel a certain way.    Especially on a beautiful woman.   Yet in my recovery from being totally crushed by one, I have a weird sensation of lust with an impending feeling of danger.   The fast heartbeat isn’t just pleasure, it’s also like a sense of danger.   As in keep my desire in check because THAT can kill you if you dwell too long in that place.

I also saw a short video with the rapper Cardi B explaining how to do fellatio.  In it, she talks about how she deep throats a guy.  As she explained, there were cutouts to different men giving bug eyes and double takes indicating that they were somewhat mesmerized.

At one time, I would have been on the bandwagon, giving the same type of response…..but this time, all I saw were a bunch of simps who give thots way too much attention.   It’s really not that serious and even if it is, why is it that we as men are taught to check our emotions, except when it comes to women overtly expressing their sexuality.

We’re taught to be fools when it comes to sex.    And as fools, we are under the spell of pussy.   Yes it feels great.  It’s feels amazing.  Yet to have it at the focus of our goal is the downfall of many a men.   Society seems to want to bash you for not giving a damn….or saying that it really isn’t that serious.    Let them eat cake.    Meanwhile I have to reprogram myself … at least temper myself to overcome my lust and desire.

Food is great, yet we don’t go about acting all stupid when we see a hamburger or something.   It’s somehow ingrained into our social dynamics that it’s ok to be a damn fool over a fat ass and cute face.   I’m judging myself on this one as well, but to know better is to be better.    At least in practice.

I’ve learned that in life, it is an abomination against the MOST HIGH for a man to actually fall in love with a woman.   Sure, we can love with our minds, but never with our hearts.  We are to save that for God or either our purpose.

Fall in love with your purpose…..I like that.

I’m thinking that one of the keys to take your eyes off the MOST HIGH or HIS purpose for you is lust.    The love of the pussy is the downfall of many a great man.  These beautiful women and the biological rush they give you can serve as a trap if you’re not on the right track.

Without having a purpose, she can easily become your purpose and that was my downfall with my wife.   I’d guess that of many of the shiftless/simple men here in America also fall victim to this.    Sex is all around us and no one warns us about the impending doom that’s inevitable should we focus on it.

Maybe this is why I my mind is warning me of danger when I see that bad ass ig model twerking.   It’s a reminder to not get caught up in the song of the sirens lest I lose my way, crash my ship, and end my life.   Hmm?   There’s seems to be more to that greek story after all.





Back at it like a crack addict

So on the way out to work this morning, I saw her phone ring and an unfamiliar name popped up on the screen.    It was spelled similarly to one of her female friend’s names, but she never calls that early.  I have seen her name pop up before, so I know that she intentionally spelled it a little different as to hide the person’s true identity.    I should have answered it, but for some reason, I didn’t think of doing it at the time.    I confronted her and asked her to call the number back.   She looked at it and said, “oh, she probably called by accident since she never calls this early.”

“Yeah right, I said.”

“Stop accusing me of stuff.   You’re wrong just like you were yesterday when I had our son’s phone.”

Even though I felt like she might have been right yesterday’s incident.   I said, “this is what I’m talking about.”   “This is gaslighting.”  “This is lying.”   “Just call her back and I won’t mention anything else.”

“No.” she replied and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I was mad, but not fuming.   In fact, I’m not really surprised.    To be honest, I know she’s a cheater and liar.   After a few moments:

“He can have you….”  I said calmly.    “I wish it could wait until we didn’t live together since it feels disrespectful….”  “But to be honest, I don’t want to deal with a liar and cheating assed woman.”  ….”Dunno where you find these guys who are ok with dealing with a married woman….unless you’re lying to him too…. but either way, I can’t really can’t be surprised.”

I’m glad for things like this to remind me that it would be a terrible idea to cosign with a house with her.   It would be disastrous to move back in with her again and be powerless to do anything about her cheating.    It’s hard enough adulting between working so many hours, maintaining the house, taking care of the kid, trying to find some free time to work out, and still trying to figure out where to go from here.   I don’t need a wife who doesn’t mind cheating on me.    The scriptures speak of women like that.

The double mindedness of wanting to save the family at the expense of my own mental/ emotional health is enough to drive someone mad.     I don’t think that women understand that men have emotions too.   Yeah, we are to man up.   But it is difficult to hurt a child who you love.   Sure, she may love kiddo too, but coming from a single parent home, I don’t think she can empathize with him as much.   This gives her a huge advantage.

As it stands, I’m still in the position of not loving her and realizing that our situation may be different than that of my “Old G’s” daughter and son in law situation.   If anything, it makes me realize that I need to go extra hard in making plans for our separation at the end of the lease.

I look forward to that day.  Perhaps I should be looking into primary custody as her work hours will make it difficult to grant me the separation/space to forgive her.  I wouldn’t be surprised (probably still angry nonetheless) if she was already in a new relationship right before or soon after we separate.   It is what it is.    I need to be prepared for that.

Given the simpish nature of men, her looks, and outwardly calm demeanor, I’m pretty sure that a decently intense honeymoon phase will have him missing this critical aspect about her.   If she acts acts similarly towards him, the way she acted towards me in the beginning, she can fool him with her true nature and probably get away with it.     Talk about life being unfair.    But this is where I have to man up and realize that I might not ever get to feel justice in being put in such a traumatic experience.

I realize that we’re not right for each other.    We don’t have anything in common outside of our kid.   Perhaps someone else would be a better fit for her.   Still though, it sucks that someone can get to hurt you and your kid so badly and get away with it.    There is no a law against crimes against the heart.

In truth, I’m no longer trying to build us up anymore.  I’ve stopped a while ago.  I’m trying to maintain this sinking ship, at least until we can make it to port.   She keeps putting holes in it.   I can maintain until then.




Reconnecting after an affair

Throughout the process of going through this period of uncertainty, I let of my coworkers (an older gentleman) know what was going on.  He’s about the same age as my dad and i sort of see him as a elder/mentor of sorts.    I appreciate his insights into life.   He told me that his son in law / daughter was going through the same thing.   His daughter being the cheater in that case.

The son in law’s wife had cheated and was planning on leaving him for another man.   It was another case of where she played the “i’m not happy” card when in truth, she had allowed herself to become smitten with a former fling on facebook.    She cheated on him and from the stories i’ve heard she pretty much disrespected him by going on trips and overnight visits with the guy.   They tried talking to her as concerned parents, but she just dismissed them and continued doing what she was doing.     The son in law and wife were married and has 2 elementary /middle school aged sons.    From my co -workers account, he was blindsided and heartbroken…..just like me.

At the conclusion of the story, it came to found that her affair partner, while still married and in addition to her, also had another girl on the side.   My coworker recently told me that the son in law and his daughter decided to try and work things out.  Things really seem to be going well and they’ve taken quite a few trips and cruises in the past year or so together.

Wow.    Now I don’t know if you call that simping or love.

I really don’t know if i still have the capacity to go after my wife after all of what she did.   Right now, it seems that I could probably go the simping route and plan trips, plan vacations, and do whatever as she’s not as clingy with her phone as of late.  I would assume that her plans with the new guy didn’t fall through.   And as I told her, once her “best friend” got a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be as available as he once was.

She also seems (for now anyway) to be more open about how she feels and more communicative.   At least more so than the past few years.

It has me wondering though….   I know I don’t really love her anymore.   But what am I really willing to do to save my family?   Right now, I want freedom.   It sounds selfish, but I’ve suffered so long and am finally getting to a place within myself that I’m willing to have the conversation and risk hurting the kids.

I really don’t want a serious relationship and I really need to work on myself as a person.  I recognize that I’ve been damaged and probably wouldn’t be any good in a relationship right now.   In fact I don’t believe in them nor real romantic love for that matter.

I’m still accusing her of doing things….like for example, I woke up at at 4:30 am and I see her out of bed texting or doing something her phone.    I tried not to say anything, but was triggered because she used to text/talk to her former AP early before I woke up.

“BUSTED….AGAIN” I said sarcastically to which she replied “WTF are you talking about?”.     Used to being gaslight, I simply replied with “I’m NOT doing this with you.  I’m not stupid.   I’m going back to sleep, keep lying to yourself.”

Thinking it was over,  she replied quite annoyed,

“this is our son’s phone you dickhead, the alarm went off and I went to shut it off.”  and then she throws it over at me…

I shrug my  shoulders “oh my bad”.  and I tried going back to sleep, sort of wondering if she was really telling the truth or not.   Maybe I over reacted.  Maybe I should apologize.  “Will it make me look weak if I do?”….”sorry I mumbled and went back to sleep.”

It also seems like I have to force the conversation with her.   As in, force myself to have a casual conversation with her.   I feel so nervous and insecure around her.  I can’t even really look at her in the face when I’m around.    Like, she saps my confidence or something.   Maybe that says a lot about me as a man, but for some reason, it’s like i can’t think clearly or something around her anymore.   She brings out insecurity or shyness or something that I haven’t felt since i was a kid.

I don’t fear her, I just don’t like her or something. It’s subconscious.  It feels weird to laugh.    I don’t want to laugh with her.  I don’t want be friendly…..just cordial and maybe it’s because I don’t like being fake around people I don’t really feel like that.   She doesn’t have an awful personality or anything, I just don’t like acting like we’re cool and we’re not.

I’ve stated a million times that if it wasn’t for my son, I wouldn’t be there, but maybe I have to accept the fact that since I am, I have to stop allowing her presence to stress me the fuck out.    So weird, but I can actually feel tension and anxiety in my stomach and chest when we’re either on the phone or face to face and my mind goes to shit.  …and she still expects me to carry the weight of the conversation….  Maybe I haven’t forgiven her after all.   One thing for sure, I don’t know how my friend’s son in law did it.

It makes me wonder if I really truly loved her to begin with, is there something wrong with me, or maybe he processed his betrayal differently.    TBH, when we split, I really can’t see us ever going back to try it again.





Marriage isn’t about Happiness

Around the time and right after my marriage fell apart, I was an emotional wreck.  I’m not the type who keeps things bottled in and I’d often find myself telling strangers about my issues.   Keep in mind, I felt that these people were actually safer to talk to than people I know as I’d never see them again.   One thing exclusive to women was that they often said that I deserved happiness.

I just read an article titled, “Why do women cheat.” and the primary reason one gave was that she was unhappy, even though she had a stable marriage.   She felt justified.    Another article I read was titled “Why I want to divorce my good husband.”   In it, many women in the comments section were feeling that they were in decent marriages, but were unhappy and felt that they should either divorce or were using it as justification to have affairs.     My wife even told me that she was “unhappy” so she felt it was ok to cheat.

This has led me to a crossroads of wondering if all women are like this or only some.   Now if you asked these women on their wedding days, if they thought that affairs or divorce was an option, given their husbands treated them well and didn’t cheat, I’m pretty sure most would have said ‘NO’.

I find it so strange that some people know the right thing to do, yet they choose to do the wrong thing and are willing to lie, humiliate, and hurt a person who dedicated their life to them.   They’re willing to destroy and hurt the closest people around them in order to fulfill a sexual desire.   They break the golden rule that I’d think governs most normal people.  Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.  They seem normal, rational, and seem to be able to tell the difference between right and wrong.

I’m starting to wonder if these women were raised in a nuclear family home.   My wife wasn’t and so I don’t think that she values it as much as I do.   Before we got married, she said it was important to her, but I’m now I’m thinking that she doesn’t value it as she has no clue how hurtful divorce is on the kid.   She wasn’t raised in one, so maybe she is underestimating the toll it can take.   Her parents were never married.   Perhaps if they were, she would have experienced first hand how painful it was and tried harder to make things work.  Perhaps she would have valued me and our relationship and home.

As it stands, perhaps her frame to gauge her success in life is how happy she is.   Others are secondary.   Some women actually think that if they’re happy, everyone else around them should also be happy.   Many use it as an excuse for affairs or breaking up a family.   In my opinion, while happiness is preferable over unhappiness, raising our kids in a stable home is more important.   As long as there is stability and structure, we can seek happiness within the relationship.

There are deal breakers of course, but my optimal happiness isn’t one of them when it comes to the family (at least for me).   I just hate the idea that a home can just be broken, one can hurt or disrespect their SO, and let so many people down because they’re not as happy as could “possibly”(and that’s questionable) be.   True love often requires some sacrifice and it raises the question of whether they ever really truly loved their family unit or not.

I don’t know if I ever want to love that deeply again.  It’s too hurtful.   They say that men never recover from being broken that deeply.  I understand it.  While I won’t go so far as to say that I’ll never love again.  I will say that I’ll never love that deeply again.   It’s sort of sad because if there is a woman out there for me, I don’t know if I could love her in the same way.   Sure I’ll do my best to treat her as right as I know how, but in the back of my mind, I’ll always remember that completely giving her my heart, isn’t on the table.    That innocent part and naive part of love has been broken.    Unfortunately by someone who didn’t deserve it.    Perhaps we’re all broken in a way, but should I find someone worth taking a chance over…..what am I saying?…..AWALT.



Tired of Hoes

My facebook and Instagram timelines are littered with half naked women shaking their assets for the world to see.   Websites that I frequent such as worldstarhiphop and flyheight very often have videos of scantily clad women gyrating.    My friends send pics and memes to me of naked/half naked women stripping or doing something or another.   And these dudes lose their minds over them.

Women are out here swallowing cucumbers whole to prove they don’t have a gag reflex.   Sucking bananas, wearing tiny shirts that expose their breasts, and doing whatever to grab attention.   And these dudes be out here losing their minds…..encouraging this behavior.

We’re out here bragging about sleeping with other men’s wives and girlfriends.  Pointing to women in yoga pants in public places.    How many women we sleep with.   Slapping high fives with each other and encouraging being a man whore.   We encourage men spending money at strippers and week after week, the lines ate packed, full of thirsty men lining up to simply see women (who they probably aren’t going to have sex with) pay them money just to see them strip.    How stupid is that given that internet porn is free!!!

There are even apps with thirsty men paying women to see them strip down or twerk for cash app donations.   True story:  I once created a fake profile on the dating app plenty of fish with 1 picture of a good looking woman.   On the description, I simply put “I’m all about that bag.”

I literally had to turn the notifications off that morning.   By noon, I had over 60 dudes hit it up.    That night there were 99+.     (it stops counting after 99).    1 pic and the most shallow description ever and you would have thought her juice box had the cure to death in it.

Yet we sit here and complain about how ‘women ain’t shit’.    Is it any wonder why?   I’m starting to get disgusted.    We’re so freaking thirsty that it’s starting to annoy me.   I’m not even mad at the women, but at us for encouraging this thotlike behavior.    It’s hypocritical as fuck to act stupid on one hand when they do it and yet encourage it on the other.

My cousin was on an app where he payed these coins (in app purchase coins)to women he thought were cute, they couldn’t even strip, all they had to do was twerk a little and pose.   The coins could be converted to real money.

The thirst is really real out here.

I’ve come to the conclusion that women ain’t ish because we don’t control our lust.  We have somehow ingrained into our collective consciousness that pussy is worth losing self respect over.   We put it on a pedestal to our own detriment.

I was trying to explain to my cousin how I couldn’t do it, but he looked at me like he understood what I was saying, but he just didn’t get it.   Similar as to how I understood what he was doing, but I just don’t get it.

It’s not like he stood a chance with ever hooking up with these women.   It isn’t like his ‘donation’ was going to sway her to come out and have sex with him.    This is beyond ‘tricking’ (paying women for sex) which I stand against in principle, but, I do actually get it.    Yet most of these dudes will also tell you that they are some kind of pimp.   If this aint the most anti pimping thing I ever heard, I don’t know what is.

As long as dudes are out here willing to say, do, spend anything just to validate women to possibly get sex….and women either believe them while getting the validation they need for their ego’s then there is no point in complaining about them.   There is no point in getting upset when the only reason they can cheat is because men help them/ even encourage them to do so.

I’m the last thing from a feminist, but the unbridled lust that we have has led to the downfall of women in the west.   Thot culture is winning because ultimately, we fund and encourage it.

It’s really getting to the point where physically beautiful women aren’t that beautiful to me anymore.  In my mind, I’ve associated it with whoredom.   What I look for is a connection.  I know first hand what it’s like to be connected emotionally to an emotionally devoid beautiful woman.

Perhaps on a subconscious level, they remind me of how vulnerable they can make me.   Beautiful women are dangerous man.  Having barely survived that flame, this moth can tell you that they will burn you to death.    They can be like the black widow spider that devours her male courtier.  And many men are easy prey.

Maybe my problem is that I truly want love.   Not just meaningless hookups.   I mean I’ll take that if she makes it easy, but as far as being a shameless fool for it, I won’t waste too much time, emotions, nor energy.

Perhaps that’s the simp in me.   Still though.   This is why narcs are winning.  They don’t care.    Simps keep her validated.   And here I am stuck in the middle of the two trying to figure out how to steer clear of the bullshit.




Confessions of a Beta Male (self reflection)

I was listening to a video last night about being laid back is indeed a beta male trait.   It was an epiphany of sorts to me.  I’m a laid back, live and let live type of person.   Most stuff doesn’t really to matter to me.  I tend to let the cards fall they may and make due with the consequences.   I don’t stand for disrespect, but I do try to seek understanding before I’m understood.    I give up quite easily when I see situations escalating as I have the belief that out of control emotions usually end up with nothing being accomplished.  I try to keep the cool head and it takes a lot to anger me.   This works in my field of IT support.

I don’t fear confrontation, I just tend to avoid it.   There are times where I stand up for myself, but it really has to be at a shit hit the fan situation or a matter of blatant disrespect.   In short, I’d describe myself as a peace maker.   This works well in the sense that most people I encounter on a daily basis like me.   It’s not really my goal, it’s just that I’m so cool and laid back.    I’ve heard that I’m one of the most laid back person people know.   I’m friendly, I’m not socially awkward.   I’m also introverted preferring to be alone with my own thoughts, but I do have some pretty deep and interesting conversations with people.

People don’t tend to really bother or bully me.  I just kind of blend in with the background.   I don’t mind helping out when I can and when people ask for a request, I usually tell them yes.  I won’t do it if I have something more pressing.   I tend to do better on a 1 to 1 basis or with other laid back individuals.   Type A or Alpha types don’t bother me unless around a rowdy bunch.   They drain me.   I have the capacity to lead as my reputation is one of being intellectual, fair, and honest.   I’m a team player understand the importance of teamwork.  I also like to see the  ‘opposition’s’ point of view so that I can clarity on a position.   To me, verbal conflicts aren’t about winning, it’s about understanding.  It helps me understand my strengths and weaknesses as well as theirs.

On the other hand, I’m not a follower and usually think outside the box.  I have the tendency to be a contrarian and will often play devil’s advocate (in an obvious way) in order to expose the flaws or emotions in one’s beliefs.   But again, that’s really about understanding.  I like to dig deep on subjects in order to get both sides.   At the same time, I’m usually not passionate either way about most things.   I don’t know if I’m right, and often, I’ll sit back and really consider what they are saying before I rebut them.

Even in love, I don’t really chase or pursue females.  I figure if they like me….cool.  If not begone.   I still have the notion that we just enjoy our time together and once it ends, no hard feelings.    (so long as you don’t disrespect me).    I am a hopeless romantic during that time though (not too much as I’ve learned to hold back and not do too much).

I’m deep.  I am creative.  I’m a feeler.  I have a deep appreciation of the arts.  My fashion sense is pretty good.     I’m great at passionate love making as I can somehow ‘feel’ the right thing to do.  The right amount of pressure, kissing, licking, stroking….etc.   I’m pretty proficient at martial arts as I can somehow feel what is being demonstrated in my body and how to apply it practically.   I’m a great cook as I just somehow have a feel for it so to speak.   I intuit many ideas on philosophy, magic, psychology, etc.   I’m also a pretty good teacher.

I’m a pretty decent looking, intelligent, fit, empathic guy.   I’m very independent and somewhat a stoic.  I don’t like asking for help unless I necessarily need it.  While I can be a bit lazy, I do believe in self reliance and taking accountability for your mistakes.   I’m also a great apologizer and don’t mind admitting when I am wrong / did someone wrong.

Those strengths are also weaknesses when it comes to maintaining attraction with a woman.   On one hand, I don’t think that many come across a guy like me.   I think that once they get to know me, I’m sort of in a category of maybe….and I probably could have more women if I actually went out of my way to pursue.    That said.

Many of those traits are that of a ‘nice guy’.     The only difference is that I don’t feel that I deserve a specific woman because of that.    I don’t feel as if she should be attracted to me because of those things.    It’s just who I am….take it or leave it.   The best way to attract me is to show me love.   Looks are somewhat important (she can’t be ugly or too fat), but I’m not asking for a 9 or 10 or anything.  Personality, chemistry, and connection are way more important to me.

TBH, the amount I’m attracted highly depends on how much I feel she likes me….not for what I have or what I can do for her, but on if she really likes me or not.   I don’t really have a specific type, but there are certain women that I do find physically attractive.    I guess I’m a sucker for love.   I have no problem with monogamy as I prefer long term relationships to be built on trust and honesty.  I’m simple.   Materialism and gaudiness are turnoffs to me.

This makes me a bit boring.  Women love a take charge kind of guy.   It seems that they prefer a brutish, life of the party, wanting to be center of attention, alpha type.  While I do possess some charisma and charm, my laid back demeanor and introversion can make it seem that I lack confidence.    I’m a mixed bag.   Not socially lame, but also not quite DA MAN.   Better looking than average (I hear it enough to believe it), but not quite a sex symbol.    Stylish, but not dripping.

The thing that I have to do is be more aggressive.   I have to stop considering their feelings….at least not be so co dependent on their feedback.    But even before I get to that I have to actually KNOW WHAT I WANT.    I have to actually start giving a fuck about getting it regardless of how they feel initially.  I can’t be afraid to convince them or change their minds if I want them.

I can’t be so laid back and I have to start making life happen as opposed to letting it happen.   Alpha men tend to do this I think.  For better or for worse, right or wrong, they know what they want and do what it takes to make it happen.    I have the fundamentals, but I have to make things happen.

I’m not sure why I am so hands off when it comes my life.    I really often times don’t give a fuck.   Let’s just do whatever is my motto.  If someone feels strongly about something….and if it doesn’t bother me, let’s just do that.

I understand why women find this unattractive as they look for a leader/daddy type figure who will lead them somewhere.   Even if the destination seems impossible/improbable.   It’s why they LOVE ambition.    They want direction and if I can’t provide that, then in a sense, I’m probably worthless outside of hot sex and some emotional support.    I have to start giving more fucks.    Apparently it is possible to not give enough fucks.   AS with most things in life, there must be balance.    Some people give too many.   Me, I give too few.








Never Marry a Blonde


Our mindsets are so different.   They way that she processes the world is completely foreign to me.   While I cannot say for sure that my view is  any more valid than hers, I really don’t think that I can deal with her in the same way as before.

It’s like she lives in a delusional world where objective facts aren’t as relevant as her feelings.   The term “my truth” gets thrown about a lot, and I can see how the liberal left attract so many women.   In my mind, none of us can really get to objective truth as we’re all subject to our personal subjective biases and opinions.   In other words, objective truth is observable, but yet tainted by our personal subjective interpretations of it.

This is why principles are important.   That way, we can can somewhat circumvent selfish congnitive biases, or at least, agree upon certain rules of engagement when engaging with others in society.   It’s why morals and ethics are important when building societies.   I suppose some people really need  codified religion and a fear of the ‘Gods’  to inform them of how to treat others as they don’t understand the principles behind the laws.

For example, while I might not be offended by a specific thing, based on the principles as to why you are, then I might be able to understand why you are and act accordingly.

Thought experiments usually fail on most females I know because they are metaphorical examples that demonstrate the principles behind why certain behaviors are harmful to society as whole.   I was making the argument that people just can’t live “their truths” all the time because “their truth” may be harmful to others.  She believed that having sex with or getting directly into a relationship with a friend’s ex is ok….as it’s their truth that they love each other.    I argued that it’s messed up in principle, and that odds are, that relationship wouldn’t last anyway….as most don’t… why ruin a friendship over temporary lust.

I gave the example of Adolph Hitler.  His “truth” was that the Jewish people were evil and needed to be exterminated.    Her drop the mic rebuttal is that you can’t compare slaughtering millions of jews to having an affair.   I tried to explain that it was about the principle not the action.   I even tried to explain what a strawman argument was and how she was giving a scarecrow all the smoke.    It fell on deaf ears as she walked away feeling victorious and wouldn’t consider my real point.

I said all that to say that this isn’t the first time for this.  Maybe she’s right and I don’t get it.  I don’t understand the principles that govern her (women in general).   Well think i do and it’s what I don’t respect about them.

I think they believe that the world actually revolves around them.   It’s hard to have a real conversation with self absorbed people.   Everything is about how they feel, and everything outside this is either uninteresting or irrelevant.   It’s as if they can’t learn anything new.

My wife is a perfect example of this.   In her mind, she’s a good person.  She told me this on several occassions.   She feels justified in the cheating, denial of sex, lying, gas lighting,  potentially breaking up our home, cucking me at the request her lover, and whetever else simply because she felt unhappy. …   I’ve shown her videos, given her examples, hell I even tried to reverse the roles and ask how she’d feel it i had done the same thing….   In a way, she acknowledges what she did was wrong, but yet, continues to engage in similar activities (no more cucking as far as I know) anyway.

I show her redpill content, the examples of what other women did to men, some of which she is guilty of.  We watch divorce court and some of those women are guilty of the same things she does, even with the Judge (whom she seems to respect) saying those women are wrong, her agreeing, she still continues to do the same things.   I can show her articles or videos on “sign’s your s/o is cheating” and instead of addressing the issue, she simply says, “you’re bugging” or says nothing at all.

But when I express disdain for some of the items on the list she does, she swears that I’m insecure or overreacting.   I might not even say anything, just give her a look, or sigh deeply when she’s engaged in one of the acts, and she’ll look, ask me what’s wrong, and usually lie, change the subject, or bullshit  if i ask her to prove that she isn’t doing it.

In my mind, she’s a bad liar.   I gotta get out.   She’s either really manipulative, really stupid, or just that disconnected from reality.   Maybe I’m giving her too much credit.   I think that people know how to treat others right.    But maybe she really doesn’t.   Or maybe she is so psychopathic that she really doesn’t care.   I mean how can someone be so close to you, do so much for you, and yet and still you treat them like shit….while at the same time, really believing that you’re a good person.

She’s losing it man.   Perhaps she lost it a long time ago.   I swear she didn’t act like this in the first few years of our marriage.   She seemed reasonable.   So sane.   I thought she was a good girl which is why I married her in the first place.   Things were good at first.

Now she’s unhappy, but can’t tell me why.   She lies a lot.   She gaslights a lot.  She’s a bad liar.  She’s secretive.   She’s selfish.  She argues about the dumbest things and accuses me of things I know I don’t do.   I’m constantly having to defend myself on small things that I know I didn’t do and am unsure as to how she even comes to those conclusions.    For example, I’m always waking up out of her sleep to talk if I come in drunk.   I haven’t done that in a while and maybe once over the last year.   If that.   I’ve admitted that I did it in the past, but every since she called me out on it a year or two ago, i stopped.  Somehow she still says that I ALWAYS do it, and when I ask her to tell me when, she’ll say, “well you used to.”   I hate stupid arguments.

It would seem that she’s oblivious to my affair.  I mean seriously, I don’t even have to really lie (perhaps a few lies by omission here and there about my whereabouts).   I am relieved on one hand, but on the other, I’m a bit perturbed by it as it indicates (to me anyway) that she really can’t give a fuck about me….or she’s really just so self absorbed that she’s oblivious.

I’m really starting to think that something is very wrong with this chick mentally.  I could deal with certain issues, (i have many others with her personally that I won’t get into), but seriously, something isn’t right.    It seems that she’s not all there.   Like she’s slowly devolving into zombie or something.   She’s always been a bit of an academic blonde.   Ok, she worked hard in school to get educated, but no other intellectual interests outside of what was required to get the grade.

I’m not mentally stimulated by her.  She seems completely caught up in this social media, vacationing (she calls it travel), keeping up with the Jones’s, reality tv/celebrity gossip, lifestyle.   Like everything is superficial.

I don’t want to be here with her anymore.   I could truly deal with all the other things, those are my opinions and I get that I’m coming off as judgemental here.   But I mention those things to say that I don’t deal with her treating me like shit because I like her or admire for some reason.  It really is because we provided such a stable and happy home for our son in the beginning, that I think it will hit him super hard for us to split up.   Outside of treating me like shit part, I could probably deal with who she is as a person, superficiality and all.  I unwisely married her as I was caught up in her laid back personality and beauty at the time.  Looking back, I should have noted that our deeper conversations were really just a monologue with me talking and her “listening”.     Noone is perfect after all.

Even if I thought that there might be someone more compatible for me, it wouldn’t be worth me hurting him (or her if she really loved me) and splitting up our home to pursue it.

People say that it takes two to ruin a marriage.   Perhaps there is something I did wrong to get us to this point.   Without her feedback though, I can’t say what I did to contribute to this.   It’s hard since I have to figure this out on my own.   I have a few ideas, but I’m thinking that it’s mostly her……lack of  moral compass, lack of self reflection,  and failure to communicate which got me out here anyway.

To be continued….





Weird Mind Games

Google is your friend  I’m usually able to get some sort of answer or ideas about things that happen in life.   I’m perplexed on this one.  My wife do these crazy things to me.   I think they are mind games used to dig at me, but I’m unsure.

I’ve never heard anyone else do this and I’m absolutely puzzled as to what her goal is or why she does it.   I’ve asked and she never gives a direct answer.   I’ll probably have to pin her down someday  because it drives me batshit crazy.

The first thing she used to do (during her affair) would be to answer my phone call and say absolutely nothing until I said hello.    It was as if she forgot how the telephone works or something.    I’ve never seen her do this to anyone else, but I can’t be sure.   Normally, when you call someone, they pick up the phone and say….hello, hold on, let me call you back….something to address the fact that they picked up.

Instead I’d call, she’d pick up and say….nothing.   One or two times could be coincidental.   At first, I’d just crack after a few seconds and say hello first.   But after several times of doing this, I started getting frustrated.   It felt disrespectful to me as I never saw her do this to anyone else.   Sometimes, we’d be sitting there for up to 30 seconds until I finally cracked and said “hello” first.   Once I did crack and say hello, she’d immediately respond and then the conversation would go as normal.

Dunno why, but I hated this shit.   She finally stopped after the affair ended.   Still though, weird shit.  I think the thing that bothered me the most was that I often wondered if that narcisstic bastard did this to her, she found it attractive or something, and she started doing it to me.   Either way, I just started hanging up when she did this, she’d call back and if I tried the same shit, she’d ask why I hung up on her.   Sometimes, she’d gaslight and say that she did say hello.  Yah alright, so why didn’t you ask again if you said it and  I didn’t respond back… me, it was a stupid and pointless conversation when we were already having problems.

Another phone game was to call me, then respond to my initial hello with a ‘hey’ followed by silence.   I mean why call someone when you have nothing to say to them. I mean at the end of the day, it’s rude in my opinion to expect the person you called to carry the conversation.   I get wanting just to talk to someone on the phone without really having anything important to say, but could you ask a damn question or at least say, I didn’t have anything to talk about, just wanted to hear from you.

This sort of manifests into the thing she does now with randomly saying “huh?”.   We could be just sitting around the house doing whatever thing and suddenly she hits me with “huh?”….as in repeat what you just said.   The thing is, I didn’t say anything.   This shit happens at least 3 times a day.   She won’t just say ‘huh?’ and leave it alone, she’ll keep saying it until I say something.    …   usually ‘huh?’ back or ‘I didn’t say anything.’   A few minutes later ‘huh?’.

I haven’t exactly been my old chipper self towards her in the past year or so.  Perhaps it’s due to still being salty about the affair, the subsequent disrespect of ‘best’ male friend, and now the disappearing acts.    I’m not really cool with her at all.   I mean we’re cordial as I no longer really question her.   But at the end of the day, between the mind games, lack of communication when I did attempt to talk to her about the relationship, consistently being turned down for sex, her insistency of secrecy with her phone, girl trips, and so forth, I’m really not interested in pretending like we’re cool.

I feel like she ruined our friendship with the betrayal.   She’s not really helping me make decisions as far as how we should proceed….and the last time i asked, she was still ‘unsure’ if she wanted to stay married.    But yet she wants to buy a house together.   Given that she thinks it’s ok to cheat because she’s unhappy, even if I don’t know, I don’t feel secure enough to want to take the lead on trying to work things out.

I’m also salty at the fact that I do so much around there.  Perhaps it’s the nice guy syndrome, but I’m at work at least 10 hours per day, then I have to come home, and do the domestic stuff, cook, clean, get kiddo ready for school, help with homework, walk the dog, etc….. to be fair, she works long hours too, but still, how many men actually work that many hours per day and still comes home to carry the largest load of the domestic work.   And on top of that work a part time job to bring in more money.

I know people don’t owe you shit for doing nice things….especially things that need to be done anyway.  But still, I feel that I deserve some appreciation.    Especially considering that I do manage to do all that and still find a way to hit the gym to look somewhat aesthetically appealing.   I don’t think it’s cocky for me to say that I do deserve better than this.

I’m just saying, i’d think that many women would love to come home after a long day at work, her man got off from work earlier, so he’s in the kitchen almost finished cooking, shirt off, gym body,  kid in the living room doing his homework, already bathed and ready for bed, and asking about her day when she walked in.   Shit, I’d very much appreciate that in a spouse, and if she was faithful and desired me sexually (it don’t get much better)….but maybe it goes back to men and women appreciating different things from each other.

My issue with the mind games is that it seems that she wants me to play dancing monkey, entertain and make her laugh all the time too despite the fact that she already shitted all over me and our marriage.  And as far as she knows, I haven’t had sex in over a year.

It’s like all a test to her.   I’ll admit that I’m speculating, but it seems that her criteria is that I need to make her happy and making her laugh and entertaining her is what she wants me to do.  I feel judged because I just don’t do it as much anymore, but tbh,  lately, especially after the affair, i don’t really feel it.

I’m not a comedian, but  I can joke and laugh with my lover, no problem.   Some of my friends, co workers,  and family no problem.   I’ve also had many of my part time ride share passengers tell me how much fun/interesting our ride/conversation was.

I don’t do this with everyone, but certain people I vibe with, while others I don’t like that.   We used to.   I never run out of things to say to certain people, but with others, I just don’t have anything to say.   After all of the things that happened between us, she’s in that category now.    I mean I can with her, but it’s a struggle.  It takes a lot of emotional energy.   If i drank more, i probably could, but i really don’t have the time.   Plus, I’d want sex and she’d piss me off if she didn’t give it up.

I really think she’s going to miss me when I’m gone.   Even if she doesn’t, I’m at the point where I don’t care how she feels.   Breaking our kid’s heart is the last straw and if it happens, I won’t have anything to say to her …. ever.  I can forgive her for having a woman’s nature, but I won’t deal with her on any other level than cordial co parent.















Validation is a hell of a drug.    It’s been said that women bond with you when you can make them feel good about themselves.   I think this is true for some women.   If she’s used to getting compliments and validation due to men wanting to get into her panties, the effect you have over is diminished.

Love is funny.   I’m thinking that the guys who probably should be in relationships don’t get chosen too often and the guys who shouldn’t be are constantly being chosen by women.   Is it because the former has cracked the code so to speak and have more options.    Are we truly as only faithful as our options?

Perhaps men who aren’t so great with women tend to get cheated on because they cling to women who offer them validation that they normally don’t get.   I get validation in the form of compliments and lately, more often than not, when I ask a girl for her number I get it.

I don’t really have the time to follow up from there, but it usually is the right number.   I just don’t really have the time, given my tight schedule, to arrange a date.  I stay in contact every few weeks or so.  I have a couple I’ve been talking to for like a year now….I guess I’m just another blue pill sucker who she keeps on the back burner just in case.   In a sense, I’m just there for validation.   I suppose they are for me too.

To be honest, I’m just jaded with the whole sexual thing.  I have to change my mentality to become a person who just doesn’t care about what she does.  Maybe it’s the beta in me.   But sex is better when I have a connection with someone.   That does lead to problems because if we’re dating, I can’t expect them not to  be screwing around.  If we have sex consistently, I start caring.  No relationship status necessary.

But at the same time, where I stand, it is gross to share a woman.   It’s like wearing someone else’s underwear or something….Even if they washed them before I put them on.    Dunno.

this age of sexual freedom is disturbing.   There isn’t much I can do as I just don’t trust women not to cheat.   Relationships are pointless because even if you try to hold them accountable, they’re still going to do whatever the hell they want to do anyway.  Thirsty assed men don’t care about being her dude.   Everyone has secret sexual partners it seems.

Maintaining frame in a relationship is just too damn complicated and catching feelings is probably the worst thing a dude can do these days.  That is if you care about monogamy.

So…..I don’t want love without monogamy.   I don’t want monogamy because it just doesn’t work.  Screw relationships, titles don’t stop anything.    I want love, but I don’t want to share.   It seems that I have to understand that I can’t have love on my own terms.   The way I was taught.   Don’t cheat, be fair, be understanding, communicate, have consideration for each other, be kind to each other, and have fun.  Most of those things are called beta these days.   It’s low key unattractive to women.   Really the only thing required is to have fun with her and fuck her good.   And that still won’t keep her faithful.  It might keep her interested though.

It seems that I have to cheat in order to keep her faithful…or she’ll lose interest and cheat on me.   I have to hurt her and be a douche sometimes in order to spike her emotions so that she doesn’t get bored.   Studying game and all the mental tricks and fuckery to keep her around is exhausting.   I’d literally have to transform myself into a person I wouldn’t want my daughter or mother to date in order to keep her attracted.   I literally can’t care.    I’d be much more successful if I was a user, had an agenda, and had intent on saying whatever I needed to say to get her to fall, while at the same time, not meaning it.

I’d have to be a narcissist.   THIS IS NOT EASY for me.  I’m empathic to a fault it seems.  And even if I know it’s what she responds to best, it doesn’t feel natural nor right for that matter.    Even if I reframe it to say that it’s only giving her what she wants (even if she’ll never admit it to herself, let alone me)…’s still like selling out my principles and soul in order to please someone else.

Then again, it might be easy if I try at least try it.   As much as I hate to admit it, I think that women like for you to hurt or damage them emotionally.   Of course they never will, but seriously, it’s hard to overlook the plethora of examples of women chasing bad men, while at the same time, overlooking/unsatisfied with the ones who would treat them right.

I know that they’d end eventually end up treating me bad if I put my heart all in.   Yet it’s so easy to do the right thing….at least for me anyway.     Validation isn’t hard for me, but as it stands, I have to do all the chasing.  This is the hard part.  I lose interest quickly if sex isn’t on the table.   I don’t believe in leading people on .  I don’t trust them anyway.   I don’t have time.  and Oh yeah, I’m still married.

For them, it’s easy because guys generally do all the chasing.    They just wait for the options to come to them.

But if it’s not worth it, then why in the hell do I still have this desire to want to have a woman.   I’ve gotta overcome that lust.   I have to stop basing part of my self worth on whether or not I have a woman who’s interested in me.   It’s dangerous because if she takes that validation away, it hurts me.   That’s too much power to give to anyone.

If  I’m not willing out get out here and get my hands dirty so to speak, then I shouldn’t play this game.    Dating in this modern world isn’t for good hearted men as much as cage fighting isn’t for pacifists.   This ain’t McDonalds,  it seems that you gotta kill the cow before you can eat it.