Don’t be her man, be her friend

Society often teaches men that grand gestures of love and romance are needed in order to make a woman fall or stay in love.  The problem is that it really isn’t true.   Because I’m going through what I’m going through with my wife, I’ve been somewhat emotionally unavailable.  This put me in a space of wanting relations without the relationship.   From there and knowing the fact that I’m not really emotionally available,   My female friends sort of give me the skinny of how they feel on certain topics, especially ‘nice guys’.   Here’s what I’ve learned.

We/They are just too damn clingy.   If i can be real, even though I tried to give my wife freedom or space to go out with her friends or hang out or whatever, I  cared too much about her.  It gave the impression of desperation.

Women don’t like to be held to a higher standard.    They want to have the freedom to just be themselves without the pressure of feeling judged.  Being too nice makes them feel that they have to play the role of a princess.   It explains why they are attracted to the ‘bad boy’.   If he has a lot of ‘options’ or is seen as attractive, she’ll have sex to see what it’s all about.  You just can’t give off desperation to be with her.     The key is not to get attached to them or see them as wifey material.   The ‘temporariness’ of the whole situation makes them feel more comfortable.

She can be human without the added pressure of hurting someone.  Not saying that they are all hoes or thots or whatever (not saying they aren’t either).  They just like the idea or option of being able to exercise that right that without crushing someone’s world.   The nice guy gives off the impression that if they exercise that option, he’d be crushed and hurt.  That’s a lot of pressure in the current environment of infinite options for many of them.

You have to maintain a sort of aloofness when it comes to dealing with them.  Even though it might seem that they want the dedicated guy.  In actuality, they don’t.   In fact you have to maintain a certain distance in order to get closer.   You really can’t give a fuck about what she does in order to stand a chance.  Even that doesn’t guarantee anything, but a sure way of getting rejected is making her think that she is your world.

She doesn’t want your love man.  We as man often exchange love for validation.  That’s unattractive.

I’m not saying don’t be nice or cool or friendly.   In fact, be those things.    All I’m saying is that we have stop the notion of trying to control her.  Control actually comes from not caring and the less you care, the more control you have ironically.   We have to learn to not get attached or possessive.

We have to love from a distance, allow her to pretty much do whatever the fuck she wants to do, but always stand up and be upfront for what we want.   Most importantly always willing to walk the fuck away if she gets out of pocket.    Never take it personally.   Just be cool.



A case for the ‘beta’ male

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot memes about alpha and beta’s when it comes to personality types.   In essence, alphas are good, betas are bad.   The theory is that woman are naturally attracted alpha males while will either use or be repulsed by beta males.

Alpha males it seems have certain characteristics that women find irresitable.   They project strength, certainty, confidence, charisma, and are comfortable in all situations.   They may seem brutish, but are protectors.  They are leaders and don’t follow the rules.  They take control of the situation and handle their business.  They don’t care what others think about them.  They are imposing and dominant in social situations.

Betas on the other hand are seen as weak and pathetic.  They are nice, but the niceness is really a survival strategy because they fear confrontation.   They are followers.  They seek to please others.    They will fold or run under pressure so they aren’t really great protectors.   They are weak physically and mentally.    They whine and don’t take responsibility for their lives.

The above definitions give you a basic understanding what’s implied by the two types, i don’t really subscribe to the theory.   I do think that it’s a lot more complicated.  I think the debate of alpha vs. beta  often implies extroverts vs introverts.

Society as a whole takes this way too far.  I don’t like the term alpha and beta because it implies superiority of one personality type over another.

I mean there are guys who are so called ‘betas’ that could probably kick the average ‘alpha’s’ ass in a fight if it came down to it.   Many men think that being boorish and imposing makes a man an alpha.

As usual, many women are caught up in the hype.  But let me make a case for the ‘beta’ types.

I’ve seen some pretty humble/quiet men who could definitely take out a lot of the so called loud mouthed alphas in a fight.   Anderson Silva for instance.  While reserved and quiet and not imposing at all….he’s a beast in the octagon.   Others include Manny Pacquaio and one of my favorite boxers Vasyl Lomachenko.

While many ‘alpha’ types like Connor McGregor and Adrien Broner can back up their talk and are entertaining to say the least.    Their issues come with huge egos which aren’t great for relationships or stable families.

Many of the loudest, flashiest, and ‘alpha’ types I know of are really pussies in real life.   They talk the talk, but won’t walk it.   These are the types that talk all that rah rah, but won’t do anything.    They are ones who snitch after talking about how real they are.  Ever notice how the ‘shooters’ don’t really say much.   Killers are the quiet ones.   The most serious and dangerous people, when it comes to the game are the real ones.   Notice how you often hear the most popular rappers talk about the ‘goons’ and ‘shooters’ they have on the squad.   Often if you meet these people in real life, they don’t have much to say and aren’t clamoring to be the life of the party.

While not the most exciting people in the world, the beta type is often more reliable and family oriented.    They are loyal to a fault often times.   They get the job done, sit back and don’t wait on acknowledgement.   These are the guys you want on your team.  They are also the guys you don’t want to piss off because they’ll fuck you up without saying too much in advanced.   Often times, you’ll have had to coming to you.

As far as dating, there is a difference between good men and nice guys.   Nice guys do things because they expect something in return.   In reality alpha creeps do the same thing.   They are just more upfront with it.    While often confused with beta’s, nice guys aren’t really the same thing.    Good guy betas often do things because they want to, nice guy betas do things because they want the person to ‘owe’ them something.   I could see how there could be confusion as nice guy betas often employ similar strategies as good guy betas.  But there is a difference.  One way you can tell though is that good guys will not just tell you what you want to hear.   It might sting, but it’s delivered in a way to not hurt your feelings, but more as a suggestion.

Nice guys will pretty much agree with everything and not really check you on your bad behavior.   Or they’ll say it in a way to ‘bring you down’ so to speak as a manipulation tactic.

As mentioned earlier, beta types want to take care of their mates.  They aren’t out there looking for several women at a time.  They are family oriented and tend to want to make sure that their family is good.  They enjoy spending quality time with their kids and wife.   They may come across as clingy, but often times it’s due to either having their trust abused in the past or knowing how the game works.

I’d be considered a beta, but I know how game works.   I know it when I see it and many times I’ve debated with myself for ‘snitching’ on a guy who was running game on my girl.   Usually it falls on deaf ears anyway and I was usually always right, but what’s a guy to do?   They always come back.   But loyalty is a big to me and once trust is broken it’s hard to get it back because I bring that to the table and I do expect that back.

Beta males generally don’t like drama.   They are usually peacemakers and are quite diplomatic in their approach.    Equity and fairness are characterstics that also follow them.   While they might not follow the code of society, they usually follow some code of ethics such as the code of the streets.

They usually aren’t flattering, charming, or have the most swag,  but I’m convinced that the personality type of the beta doesn’t make them in any way weaker or inferior to their more flamboyant alpha brothers.

Perhaps the only area is in attracting and keeping women.   But that says more about the society we live in more than the guys themselves.

One would think that a woman would cherish a beta type guy as he’d pretty much deal with her shit if she’s loyal.  He would want to help her be a better person.   You would think that it would be easier to change his weaknesses than it would be change the player into a husband.   Unfortunately, that’s too much like right.

Meanwhile….I guess in order to get laid, I am alpha enough to get attention.   It works because I’m just enough of both to get attention and keep it for a little while.    I do know that even with my knowledge, it’s easy for me to revert back into beta if I fall in love.  The best thing for now is to stay emotionally unattached, use my strengths, do what I do, but never fall in love as she’ll probably end up cheating or leaving me for not bringing that ‘alpha’ drama in to her life.

Lessons learned.








Overdosed on the blue pill

It’s weird waking up from the blue pill teaching about women.  All my life, I was taught that part of being a good man was one who put his woman first.   That being nice, providing, helping, and putting her on a pedestal was what she wanted.   That she desired to be treated with kindness by her man.   That we really should try not to hurt her emotionally, be consistent, be honorable, truthful, loyal, her friend, confidant, and lover.    That we should open up doors, pay for dates, pump the gas, buy flowers, and write corny ass love letters (when the time was right of course).  That we should treat her like a princess.

It’s so easy to fall into that trap because society tells us this.  Women often talk about their abusive or cheating ex’s who did them wrong in the past.   My dumb ass used to actually want to show her what it was like to have a man who considered her and treated her well.   In most of my relationships, I wanted to be the guy who actually did ‘right’ by her.  I thought that if she showed enough interest and we started dating, then I should be that guy for her.  That she deserved it.     I thought it would be enough to keep her interested.

Unfortunately, from my experience as well as stories from other men who attempted this, it’s not really what women are attracted to.  Sure it sounds good on paper, but experience shows that this isn’t the case.   In fact, you do these things if you want her to lose interest.     I only technically cheated in one of my relationships and the girl still wanted to try to work on things.   I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every other one.

There I was, the ‘good’ guy, not clingy, giving space, treating them well, considering their feelings before I did things, and acting….ya know….normal.  Selfless and fun.  Giving more than I took.   I think they did love me in a sense, but at the same time, they ended up cheating with some douche or another only to want me back after I found out.

I am/was that ‘sweet’ guy.   Massages, flowers just because, surprise dates, handling the bills, cooking, washing her car, taking it for an oil change, walking her dog, fixing stuff around the house,  faithful….you name it.    I’m not perfect, but I always kept in pretty decent shape, maintained a decent job, and never asked for money or favors unless I really needed them.   Sure, I do drink on the weekends and if they started showing red flags, I snooped in their phones, but still gave them space if they wanted to go out with the girls.   I played fair.   I was honest, but not brutally.   I considered myself in essence a ‘good’, not perfect man.    They’re all still pretty cool with me and have told me later that I ‘am/was’ a good man to them.

The waywardness of my wife was the final straw.  Or so I thought.   It’s so ingrained in me to be kind to women that I find myself doing it by default.   Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that a woman is obligated to want you just because you’re nice to her.   I just wonder why being nice to her seems to cause her to lose that spark of attraction.   Perhaps it’s the idea that they want someone they can change.  Maybe it’s really about the chase.   If that’s the case, then I have to be redpill because I’m not really about the games.   I prefer peace, not to create/fabricate some drama just to keep her happy.

I don’t think I can do it again, it’s also not my personality to be a ‘bad boy’.  I’ve never intentionally used people for selfish gain.   TBH, I’ve never done bad things to anyone unless I felt like they deserved it.   I’m very patient and forgiving. I’m not afraid to fight for what I believe in and I’m quick to stand up for myself.

That said the evidence points to the fact that it probably isn’t everyone else, it’s probably me.   From what I see, being a blue pill beta was probably the issue.    I’m ok with me and I actually want to treat my so with respect.   I don’t think it’s dysfunctional and don’t want to become dysfunctional in order to keep women.   MGTOW pump and dump is the best way forward for me.   NO ATTACHMENTS.




Where are all the good women though?

It kills me when I see my male friends raising their daughters to be little divas and princesses.   They swear it’s the cutest thing.  But for me, seeing a little 4 year old with her hand on her hip, wearing sunglasses, and making a duck face makes me want to slap the beta out of their fathers.   One of my closest friends even referred to is daughter as his ‘little diva.’    For real bruh?

I probably react so negatively on the inside because it seems that this is a real problem.   These little girls are raised to think that they are princesses or something.   Princesses are entitled little brats and usually grow up into narcs.  The world revolves around them regardless of what they actually contribute.

The bigger problem is that these girls will grow up thinking that men should treat them like their fathers.   They should deal with their shitty attitudes and spoil them regardless of how they behave.   Not to mention that their men won’t have the option to discipline them when they get out of hand.  It’s a lose/lose for these women because allowing them to get away with it causes them to lose respect for you and you’re bound to be stepped over or cucked.   If you do address it, then you have handle it with kiddie gloves hoping that she really gets it, most likely she won’t and you’ll either have to deal with it or keep having the same arguments over and over again.   It’s just best to walk away.

Worst case scenario is if you marry into this kind of crazy.  Walking away WILL cost you big and it can have devastating effects on your kids, finances, emotional heath….etc.  We’re also taught not to walk away from your responsibilities and obligations….man it’s a cluster fuck of fuckedupness.

While on one hand, it wouldn’t be an issue because personally, I wouldn’t even be interested in someone with such a temperament, it is because it makes the pool of ‘good women’ that much smaller.    Between the damaged women who’s fathers aren’t there and now the ones who’s fathers turn them into entitled brats, there won’t be much left over for the future generation of men.

Women often wonder where the good men are.   You really rarely hear the question of where all the good women are, but in reality, they are pretty rare in my estimation.   Many women today are either damaged, spoiled, or physically and unapologetically unattractive.

Physical attraction aside, the current norm of arrogance is really a deal breaker and it makes it impossible to really want to even get to know many of them.   I don’t know if it’s their upbringing, a defense mechanism,  or a symptom of low self esteem, but something’s off here.

The dating app okCupid has a question where it asks how your would rate your self confidence.   9 out of 10 black woman rate it as above average.   “Above average”.  How is that normal.  How in TF to you have an above average self esteem.   That’s borderline arrogance.   That implies that you feel like you’re perfect or at least close.   That implies that you can’t learn anything or either won’t take ownership (meaning at least try to modify dysfunctional behavior).   In fact, the biggest issue in the culture today is that we accept immoral/dysfunctional behavior because calling it out means that we’re “hating.”

I’m starting to think that I’m weird in that so many people seem to be ok with this.   Many dudes seem to be ok with women with shitty behavior.   Is the thirst that real?   These women are more masculine than the narcissist male.   They don’t care about anyone or anything but themselves and their money.   And what’s worse is that they’re proud of that.    Are we as men so thirsty for attention, so low on our esteems, that any big butt and smile will cause us to do anything to keep getting it.

I know that all women aren’t like that, but the few that aren’t  seem to be attracted to the worst men out there.   It’s like good / decent girls don’t want good /decent men.  They seem to like the cocky/arrogant types.

It’s like a woman can see a million red flags that this dude throws out….multiple baby mamas with different women, a history of cheating, all of his ex’s are/were “crazy”,  he’s already asking for more credit than he’s built up with her, he dates a ton of women still, he drinks and smokes a lot, he’s on probation, he a grown ass man, but doesn’t have a car or his own place to live, but his outfit costs $500.   But he knows what to say, and really, all he has to do is to be able to make her laugh.    Not hating on him, but this is the reality.  Even good women are attracted to this type and can’t seem to get enough.   On a side note, a man can override this programming by being wealthy already.  Then the question is whether she loves him for him or because he’s wealthy.

Digressions aside, the arrogance and cockiness and foolishness of the modern woman makes a good one rare indeed.   Most women think they are good women but fail to realize that just feeling like you’re a good person and actually being one are two different things.   It’s our fault as a society as we never hold them responsible for their bad behaviors and rather consider them victims to their own bad decisions.  We fail to be there for them as kids or raise them to be divas.  Then, we lust after them insatiably.

When they fall for dirty dick Rodney or Bad Boy Bobby in spite of him dripping with swag and red flags, we feel sorry for them.  She becomes damaged goods, raise her daughters to be too independent and then sets the standards of what it means to be a good man way above what most decent men can or are willing to provide.     Or in the case of the born divas, they have impossibly high standards based on the fairy tale and lies their fathers gave them.

To any man who lucked up and found an actual good woman, I’d say you best treat her right and hold on to her.  If you’re considering leaving her for the hot chick in the office that’s been checking you out, know that it’s statistically probable that it won’t turn out well.      The pickings out here are really slim.





Double Minded thoughts of a cheater

After the affairs and betrayal of my wife it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m am healing.   Slowly, but surely, the pain and memories of what happened is fading.   But this process is by no means over.   While I no longer feel the acute pain of infidelity nearly as much, I’m seeing that it may not be possible to repair the damage that was done to our marriage.

Sure, I’m doing my thing on the side now.  It has helped me, at least regain some esteem and a bit of power.  My sexuality is no longer a string she can pull to bring me back in as that part is taken care of….at least for now.    Intimacy is also being looked after and so I don’t know if it’s time, someone else, or a combination of both that’s helping me get grounded again.

Make no mistake about it, my other situation is very likely just a fling and if things end, hopefully we will both be ok with it.   The thing is that i’ve been feeling hypocritical lately in that I am finally getting what I wanted….which is the ability to give up.    In a sense, I wasn’t fighting because I chose to, I did because i was compelled to.   I didn’t want to hurt my son, I didn’t want to give up on marriage.   I felt as if I still owed God to keep pushing as he never gave up on me.  But in retrospect, I was fighting mostly because I couldn’t let go.  I felt like vows were to be taken seriously and I had to have hope.     It was like holding on to an electric fence.  It felt like I literally couldn’t let go even though it was cooking me on the inside.

It’s a shitty thing to cheat on someone and then leave them for the person you cheat with.   All the lies, unfair comparisons, broken hopes and dreams, collateral damage to those close, disrespect,  and seemingly sudden betrayal and abandonment of the one you loved the most is enough to make you crazy.  Let alone the fact that I’m a cancer sign.  I was loyal to a fault.    I was losing it.   I always thought I had the ability to let things go, but apparently, I didn’t.  Perhaps this is the lesson in all of this.  I was too attached.  On a side note,  I wonder if all that emotional trauma does cause one hold on more tightly in a weird ‘Stockholm syndrome’ kind of way.   Maybe I also have some sort of martyr complex going on too.   Shit, I should probably talk to a psychologist or something.

They say that there is fault on both sides when a person cheats.   I disagree, to a certain extent.   I still don’t know what I did so wrong to deserve that.  I honestly don’t know what I could have done differently to not be given a chance to address or fix whatever her ‘deal breakers’ were.   I still don’t and that’s part of the problem with even considering trying to fix this.  She says I did nothing wrong, but there has to be something.  I don’t want to make the same mistake again.   This is probably one of my biggest regrets, but perhaps hindsight will come in time.

As of now, I passed a test of sorts by sleeping in the same bed with her the other night and not trying to come on to her.   We held each other and while sex did cross my mind, I figured that I would have been dishonest to my friend as we promised we would tell the other if we had sex with someone else.   As of now, I have a lot of subconscious animosity against my wife.  No point in adding that to my psyche.

I made good on that promise once with a fling and it pretty much doomed whatever we had.   I didn’t care (i didn’t know she would be that hurt either though) and with this one I do care (if i’m honest with myself), but we both know the reality.   It could end any day.   Here I go being too honest with women again.   I could just lie or lie by omission.   She would probably lie to me and tbh, i somewhat expect it.  As fucked up as it sounds, I really am trying to be as honest with her as possible.    My wife doesn’t know….I don’t think.  She doesn’t ask.

I’m unsure if telling her would have the effect of making her jealous and waking her up that she possibly could lose me or if she’ll see it as justification that she is actually right in doing what she is doing.   I really don’t know if she’d be hurt or if she’d actually feel a sense of relief.   Most likely her ego would be hurt, but it wouldn’t hurt her nearly as much she hurt me.  Perhaps it would be her out.

This is just too complicated.  I’m probably just overthinking it as usual.    I wish i could just find the one for me and not worry about it.    But perhaps all relationships come with some complications.  Those other complications can’t be as complex as this though.   Who knows?

By nature, I’m not a cheater.   For now, I cannot count myself as a righteous person as I am in a full blown affair.  I do however feel justified, I mean we are separated after all.   I did tell her that I didn’t want her seeing anyone else even though she told me that she just didn’t want to know if I did.   I can’t be honest and say that those were terms we officially agreed to, but we did both at least say what we wanted.   If she isn’t ‘talking to” anyone right now, how ironic is that?  Maybe I’m not really cheating after all.

I sometimes wonder if the wife actually decided to act ‘right’ instead of ignoring my needs (sexual and intimate) if I would let the fling go.   IDC what people say, alienation of affection is emotional abuse.  Had she not betrayed me so deeply with her affairs, I wonder if I would have remained faithful through the lack of sex for this long.     If I had done the same thing she did, I shouldn’t be surprised if she got it from somewhere else.

She tells me that her so called ‘best friend’ doesn’t call her as much now.   She claims he has a girlfriend now and i shouldn’t worry about him because she doesn’t want to be anyones’ “side chick”.   Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that?

It seems that she’s saying that the only reason she stopped talking to him as much isn’t because their past infidelity makes things unfair to me to have to accept him as her friend, nor that she loves us enough to let that go, nor that she’s sorry for putting me in that situation where I was disrespected.   She won’t admit it was an emotional affair, even though she claims she only slept with him that one time.  It’s because he has a girlfriend now and she feels rejected in a sense.  I guess I’m the possible consolation prize once again.

She won’t admit that it was wrong to lie about him going on the ‘girls’ trip and uses the fact the we were ‘beefing at the time’ as justification.   She wants me to believe they didn’t sleep together in the two days they were down there alone before the girls showed up.    With full knowledge that she just had an affair with someone else so obviously the trust is gone….

Maybe things are ok the way that they are.   Our kid doesn’t know how bad things are and if he has an idea, at least it sort of softens the blow for him should we not work.  Then again,  If I don’t chase the wife and give her affection, then she’ll probably find it somewhere else and that will just ensure that the cycle repeats.

But with her being so aloof about everything, me chasing her will push her away.  She still won’t really talk about things that much.   Conversations looks like me telling her how her actions are basically fucked up and then mostly silence as she doesn’t offer much into insight or how she feels.   I get it, I’d probably be the same way.     She never makes any declarations about wanting to fix things though.   I’m pretty sure that me waiting around on her to make a decision keeps her in limbo.

The best thing at this point is to no longer talk about it with her.   I feel resentment because even though she hears me, I feel like I’m not being acknowledged.  Maybe I should just enjoy the freedom of separation as a single black straight man in Atlanta for now until she decides.   I don’t want to end it, but it does give a license to do whatever as long as I don’t get any babies.

Right now,  I just don’t have it in me to chase her after being betrayed and rejected so many times .    I can’t emotionally invest without some sign of commitment from her.   Because it feels like she just doesn’t get it, she might do it again.   I suffered too much to get out of that hell hole of being hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate.

In the end, perhaps she doesn’t love me.  Or maybe that’s just how she’d “love” anyone.    Even if she does ‘love’ me like she ‘says’ she does, it really isn’t enough if I can’t trust her.  With neither trust nor communication, then how can this ever work.   Between that and the infidelity on both sides at this point, then it certain looks as if this marriage is over.   I can’t say that I still desire her as a wife anymore, but I do feel as if I could if we could somehow work through all of this.

How can I get her to talk to me without her shutting down?   Is this tactical manipulation on her behalf or does she really have a problem with addressing real issues?  Am I really ready to pull the plug on this?

Another layer of limbo…..who knew?








Imitation of Beauty

Television and media seem to champion a certain type of beauty that permeates our cultural view of what beauty really is.   Personally, this doesn’t reflect my view.   To me, it’s fake and becoming increasingly unattractive.    In fact, it has allowed me to somewhat disassociate beauty with attraction.

The other day while doing ‘research’ on the darker parts of the web.  Aka porn.  I saw what I perceived as a beautiful woman.   That was, until she lifted her skirt and I saw something I wish i could unsee.   Yup, a damn transexual.  She looked like she could be a cast member on love and hip hop or something.    Ok, I don’t have anything against transgendered people.  Well actually, I do, nothing personal, but more idealistic in nature, but that’s not the point of this article.

The point is that while the hair extensions, long eye lashes, makeup, rediculously small waists, big breasts, and fat asses look good from an objectification point of view.   In reality, it’s not what my ideal woman would look like.   Yeah, I’m a sucker for a cute face, but if she has to wear makeup and weave and artificial stuff to get it, then it sort of ruins it from a relationship point of view.

I’d rather a 6 or 7 natural than a 9 or 10 barbie doll if that makes sense.    If she likes to dress up occasionally to attend some stuffy suit and tie affair, then that’s one thing.   Walking around daily like that is too much.

Listening to the ‘manosphere’ and barber shop talk, it seems that I’m not alone in feeling like this.   Black women especially are bad about trying to have that ‘look.’  To me, it’s fake and superficial.  They are looking ‘beautiful’, but for who though.   That look seems to come with a bad personality or attitude.   It screams that they want to be ‘queens’ instead of regular down to earth people.   They can’t have fun because they don’t want to ruin their hair or nails.  It’s almost like they are begging for attention, but then when they get said attention, they want to walk around claiming that dudes are thirsty.

Now that I know that there are some ‘pretty’ men out there and that makeup can totally transform a person’s appearance, I’m even more turned off by all of that.   It’s too much.  I wonder if women would appreciate if a man got fake muscles, fake dreads or a fake man bun, a fake beard, or even a fake penis.

I suppose to each their own and maybe some men like all that fake stuff.  For me though, natural over man made ‘perfection’ all day.




“Separated Husbands”

I used to think that all cheaters were lowlife pieces of dirt.   While I still think that many are, I now realize that sometimes, things aren’t always as they appear.

As a “separated” husband, I’ve been there. I can’t speak as to why other guys do this, but I know of a few who “single/separated” men who go out there because their wives no longer show them love at home. I also know some that are dogs with loving wives at home.  There is a difference.  I suppose that once a cheater always a cheater doesn’t necessarily apply here.  I don’t think I could cheat on a loving wife, but who knows at this point.

Many men have legit reasons for not divorcing, usually kids or finances. In my case, I still love my wife, but she isn’t in love with me nor cares to talk about it. I don’t want to hurt our kid, so we are cordial in front of him, but she sees me as more of a room mate than a husband now.

This goes deeper than just sex, but intimacy. Many wives fall out of love with their husbands over time and become cold. It’s hard thing to be constantly rejected for sex, and made to feel unwanted, or undesired all while knowing you are trying to do what you vowed to do. It makes us feel inadequate or unworthy.  How did the once loving and giving woman I married become so …. bitchy.    Like know she’s being a bitch but doesn’t care what I think.  Like, not caring how her words or actions make me feel.  I don’t care what you say, a person checking out of a marriage and leaving their spouse in limbo is a recipe for emotional abuse.

Imagine how it feels when the person you vowed to love with all of you cringes whenever you try and kiss them.  Imagine witnessing them pulling away almost instinctively every time you tried to grab them by their waist.  Having to play it off or make a joke so you don’t seem hurt even though it kills you on the inside.   Imagine going for months without sex and always being rejected night after night, no matter how you try to make the day special for her.     Imagine being unable to articulate your feelings of insecurity because well…..she calls you insecure.   Imagine trying to talk about the relationship only to get stonewalled….or worse yet, ignorned for instagram….or worse yet, the silent treatment if you call her out on it.    Writing a letter telling her exactly you feel and inviting her to do the same … only to ask if she read it to hear “uhh not yet”.     6 months later, She never read that damn letter.    Imagine being strung along with lines like she’s on the fence and not sure what she wants all while hoping for your family to work.   For over a year after her affair.

But you love your kid and you just can’t imagine breaking his heart like that.  I’d do almost anything to keep him from feeling that.   Sure I’ll get over it, but what about him.   He loves us both and even prays that “Daddy will move back in soon.”

I still feel guilty for cheating sometimes, but life seems a bit easier since I’m not pressuring my wife for sex or intimacy anymore.  Ironically, in a way, I guess she likes it too even though she hasn’t  really seemed to notice.  It kind of hurts that she doesn’t even notice though.

My “friend” makes me feel good though. She’s glad to hear from me and share her day. She made me remember that I don’t suck at sex. She likes hearing about my day and isn’t intentionally bitchy.  She notices and appreciates the hard work I put in the gym.   She encourages me and in a way, it feels like she appreciates the fact that I do take interest in her day.

While i know that I can’t get too attached.  It’s just a fling.  I wish there was a way to let her know how much I appreciate her understanding my situation without sounding like a cornball.   My wife used to do those things.  Eventually, things probably would change with her too.   I’m not expecting much long run from her.  But for now, I’ll just enjoy the moment.  We could end things tomorrow.   I’d hate it, but I’d be ok with it.

Do a google search of “i love, but i’m not in love with my husband” and read the comments in some of these articles. It’s really sad, but eye opening.

I’ve always heard women call men dogs and claim that all of us cheat.   I’m starting to wonder how many of them actually stopping loving their husbands and pushed them out there.   I’d like to think that if she treated me like she cared, I wouldn’t have become like my father.

I also learned you can’t always judge why people do the things they do in marriage.  If my wife ever finds out, I’d like to hope that she realizes that she did push me out there.   Maybe she’d be upset about this secret ‘friend’ if she ever found out.   Oddly, I can’t really say for sure if she’d even really be mad.  How could she?  But she can’t say that I didn’t try.



Finally Pulling Away



I don’t know why I’m judging it so hard.   I guess it’s part of the process.

She seems so shallow and superficial to me now.   It’s really hard to see her in a positive light these days.  I mean it’s been a while since i have, but before it was out of hurt and anger.   This is starting to feel like contempt.    I don’t trust her very much.

It seems that we can’t really talk about much of anything unless it’s related to the kid.   She doesn’t do much around the house.   Little to no sex.    We don’t have much in common.   She keeps secrets and pretty much doesn’t tell me much about anything going on in her life.   I catch her in lies, white lies lately, but after all that’s happened they seem significant.

I know that it’s a negative cycle as she probably senses that I don’t really like her all that much anymore.   It’s just so hard when it seems that she embodies everything I don’t like in women.

The Reality TV watching,  ‘Doing it for the Gram’, ‘Living my best life’, ‘Beard Game Matters’, I love “traveling”(aka vacationing), and snapchat selfies are all things about certain women that I’ve come to loathe.   It’s a real turn off when a woman is always on her phone.  I don’t like Niki Minaj as a person.  I don’t really care for all the b.s. pop hip hop that’s shoved down our throats on the radio.

It’s like all of the media programming has infected her and turned her into this fake wanna be housewives of love and hip hop honey.   Worrying more about how she looks in the gym than actually working out.   I don’t have a problem with occasionally indulging in this, but when it becomes an all day every day thing, it really bothers me for some reason.

It all seems so superficial and fake.   Perhaps in another context it’s just girls being girls and having fun.   TBH, I don’t know too many women in their 30’s into this at this point in their lives.  It’s a red flag and I think I’d avoid women into that.  I wouldn’t like them and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like me either.   But I’m wondering in her case, is it a phase, a mid life crisis, or maybe she’s still trying to find herself.

This isn’t who I married.   Or perhaps it was and she was trying to suppress it in order to keep me happy.  Now that the ‘thrill is gone’ in marriage, she can try out all of those things.  I never thought it was a part of her.    It might explain how things went off the rails as bad as they did.

I suppose she’s right and we are on different pages now.   I mean I don’t know how, if we can, or even if I want to see if we can fix things.   I hate it for our kid though.  Even if I never find anyone else, I don’t know if I can keep doing it with her.  She’s not my type anymore.     I’m pretty sure she has a list of complaints about me as well.

It’s so weird how you can love someone with your whole heart one day, expect changes and be willing to deal with them, and want to spend the rest of your life with them….only to in a few years really dislike them as a person.

I can’t change her, nor would I want to.   She’d regret it and probably end up despising me for it in the end.   I’m just not one of the ‘cool’ kids.   I never was, nor did I think she was or desired to be.   That’s one of the reasons I fell for her.  It felt like ‘us’ against the world.   We were rebels against ‘system’.  We were the punk rockers against the mainstream.   We could both easily fit into the mainstream, but chose to rebel against the fakeness and bullshit of it all.   I thought we both saw past the facade.

But now it’s like she wants to be like a generic 20 year old women so bad.    I wouldn’t judge her so hard if I wasn’t so close.  Knowing me,  I’d try to screw her if she showed enough interest, but I probably not wife her.   We’re just so different now.

At this point, we’ve both done our dirt.   Neither of us seem to really care about fixing things and both are in it for the kid.   We both love him and I know that for sure.  She’s a pretty woman, I’m sure someone will want to wife her if she wants that.   Perhaps he can bring the best out of her in a way that I can’t seem to anymore.

I’ve read that marriages go through phases like this.   But tbh, I’m tired of trying and giving my best.  Rejection hurts, I am human after all.    She put me in a position where I cannot chase her even if I wanted to.    I would have to be so fake while swallowing my pride.    I don’t even know what she’s attracted to anymore.   I thought she liked my ‘intelligence’, my looks, my heart, and my uniqueness.   But apparently, not anymore.

Perhaps she’d like me if I rocked a NY fitted, copped some Jordans, grew a beard, and started talking about how much money matters over everything.   Maybe if I threw on some skinny jeans, a tight tee, and financed a BMW she’d fall back in love.

I’m not as confident with her anymore.   Obviously I want to put the blame on her for this.  For the life of me, I still cannot see what I did so wrong as to make her 180 like that.   I’ve asked, I guess too late though because once she checked out, she was gone.   I haven’t seen her since, but I have seen glimpses here and there.

The only explanation have come from red pill literature.   While I’m still not 100 percent sure that it applies to ALL women just yet, i’m pretty sure it explains her.   I was just too nice to her.   I was too accomodating.  I loved her too much.    I didn’t demand enough of her.    I was just too nice.   Now it’s probably too late.  But I’m ok with that.  I don’t really like who she’s become anyway.

I feel bad for our son though.   It hurts me so much to think that we are taking him though this.   But dammit man, if i can’t trust her, then how in the hell am I supposed to live.   I don’t want him growing up thinking it’s ok for a woman to treat him with anything less than respect.   I don’t want him loving a person with his heart who could care less about his feelings.

I mean it’s one thing to love a person through their flaws and try, but another when that person is a liar, emotionally abusive, aloof, and cares more about their image than you.     They say that both parties share blame in the breakdown of a marriage.  While that might be true, it does take both wanting and trying to fix it in order for it to work.

At what point to I realize that the horse is dead and when do I get tired of trying to beat it.   I think my arms are getting tired.






Not always Black and White

I’ve always thought that there was never a good excuse to cheat on your spouse….ever.  If things were so bad, it would be better to be honest and either fix it or  divorce.   The dishonesty, hurt, and subsequent fallout would be so bad that it just wasn’t worth it.

I also never really had the desire to cheat.   As with many marriages, the amount of sex I had with my wife dropped yearly until it nearly disappeared.  We went from several times a week, down to a few times a month, down to maybe once a month, and now probably quarterly.   Before her affair, I was willing to deal with the decline in sex as I thought it might have been a phase and it seemed really selfish to break up my family over the lack of sex.

Kids add a whole different dynamic into the mix.   I can’t stand to see my kid hurt over us splitting.   I was willing to stay with and live through the humiliation, pain, and heartbreak of an affair.    The type of affair where it’s” I really don’t care that you know, and it’s your fault because you keep digging type.”  The type where they are constantly texting in front of you and the kids.    The type where the other gets an ego boost out of fucking and controlling another man’s wife.

But equally is the fact that now that the affair is over, the sex still hasn’t come back.   When we do have sex, it’s not nearly as good as it used to be.   A weird selfish, and kind of humiliating if I’m honest.  I get to watch her masturbate and can only kiss her where she tells me to.   If I’m lucky, I can finish in her.   Not my proudest moments in life, but horniness, lack of intimacy, and emotional abuse can make you do some weird things.

She claims to not care if I cheat as long as she doesn’t find out about it.   So I did and as in most ‘honeymoon’ phase of relationships, it’s amazing.

This has led me to some interesting conclusions:

Because I’m pretty sure we’re not going anywhere, things seem a lot easier.   There really is a difference having sex with someone who desires you back sexually.   I’m pretty freaking good.   I had lost my confidence for a minute there, but it’s pretty awesome to know that I can give multiple orgasms.

I don’t know, but my wife doesn’t seem to be with anyone right now.   She still doesn’t want sex and hasn’t seemed to notice that I don’t really come on to her like that anymore.   I am starting to notice a lot of things about her personality that downright annoy me.   I do realize that this could be because of easy going fun nature of the other relationship.   I also know that according to redpill literature and experience, this will most likely change over time.    Women are much funner and easier in the beginning, but over time, they usually get harder to deal with.   Fortunately, I’m versed on how these things work or else I could have found myself easily getting caught up in my feelings with AP.

The things that annoy me is her sudden desire to be on social media all the time, wear makeup,  and be like ‘normal’ women.   It’s as if she’s suddenly wants to be like a reality tv show / social media model.   The desire to wear makeup, plastic surgery, and go on expensive ‘vacations’ and all.    She never expressed those desires before and tbh it’s something that attracted me to her in the first place.    As her husband, I have to accept those changes, but if she takes one more selfie instead of actually working out in the gym, I might toss a weight at her.

I don’t know if it’s because she hasn’t pulled anyone yet, but she seems to be nicer to me.    I appreciate it, even if there is no sex.   She hasn’t explicitly said that she wants to try and work on things.    I mean the next attractive guy that gets her attention could probably get her to cheat.   She doesn’t seem to get it.   But she is way meaner to me when she’s attracted/emotionally invested in someone else.    I mean disrespectful and negligent as hell as if she wants to hurt me.

I hate to hurt my family, but I know I should really be looking for better.   I really don’t want to hurt my son and on a certain level I have learned to accept her.   I don’t want to break up my family.   But shit’s all fucked right now.    Why can’t some women just not be bitches?   How can you be a bitch, know you’re being a bitch, and then just want to keep being it….even if doing so is destroying everything?  Being a bitch is NOT cute nor cool.   It’s like being a bully for real.    Strangely enough, I can talk shit about her in an anonymous blog post, but in real life, people would never guess that she acts so damn evil to me.   Not all the time of course and we often do get along pretty well.

I know that I am wrong for doing what I do.   I supposed no one is holding a gun to my head.   But some betrayed people need to realize that you can’t just treat your s/o any way and expect them to stay faithful.   They may only be with you because of the kids.

I mean how stupid would I be if I treated her like crap, had an affair, betrayed her, came back, didn’t give her sex,  didn’t communicate my needs, shut down on her whenever she tried to talk about it, continuously lie about the nature of my ‘friendships’, put my female ‘best freind’ over her feelings, and then tell her that I don’t care if she cheated as long as I didn’t find out.

I couldn’t possibly in my right mind expect her not to cheat.  Especially if I know she put up will all of my shit for the sake of the kids.       Or am I tripping?   Am I just saying this to justify my behavior?   Possibly, but I do suspect that there are many instances where one spouse does push the other to go out there.    And that’s where I learned that when it comes to affairs, things aren’t always as black and white as they seem.

I do know that this can’t go on forever.   But maybe she really doesn’t care and I guess that things will just be whatever for now.   I really gotta get over this need to not hurt the kid.    It’s not even like I’m really that attracted to her like that anymore.   There are so many single women that are prettier (she is pretty though), nicer bodies,  more compatible, smarter, you name it.    This is how I KNOW it’s really about the kid.

I would have gladly died to protect and defend my family, but the question now is if enduring the abuse, getting my hands dirty, and being humiliated worth it?   I know that people will read this and probably flame me for it.

I’m ok with that.   I do think that there is a distinction between the types of cheaters.   I do believe that you can actually push someone out there.  As human beings, we have needs, not just physical.   Even though those are important too.   I still don’t condone cheating on someone who treats you well or at least attempts to.   I think you have to be careful in determining if you’re looking for excuses or if you’re actually justified.

In a way, I feel better and it would be easier to forgive now.   But now I am feeling a little guilty because she is actually treating me nicer now.   Being true to her word, she hasn’t asked anything or even gave off any clue that she suspects anything.    Still though, I’d be pissed if she started dealing with someone else I think.

As for AP, she’s awesome.  She listens to me and is interested in what I have to say.   She’s submissive without being a pushover and she is into me.   She does know about the wife and she believes me.   She even takes her side sometimes, but I haven’t given her the grimiest details of the whole ordeal.   They’d probably be pretty good friends irl.  She claims that she’s rooting for us.    I know what she means even though I don’t believe her literally.     I’m pretty sure she won’t have a problem finding someone.  I just hope that he treats her well and if she’s all that she’s advertising, knows that she’s a pretty good catch.    It would probably be hard to let her go, but I’d rather her take a chance on possibly finding the right someone than being stuck with me in my situation until I can figure it out.

Of course these are my rose colored, honeymoon glasses talking.   If I were in a space where I wanted a real relationship, I’d be all in.   But as it is,  I just have to remember to enjoy the moment and learn not to hold on to it with her.   My wife and I started out similarly, so while I do miss and appreciate these things, I do realize that they never seem to last forever and you really never know who emerges on the other side of new romance.   We’re just friends and she’ll never really know how much she helped me through this.   Sex, intimacy, friendship, the ability to be real and having each other’s best interests at heart is a great thing.  I really missed that.   But we both know it’s too early to determine if this is anything more than a fling.   Plus I like it like that.  No pressure.
















No reciprocity

In my experience, women want a man who worships the ground they walk on.  They feel that they deserve a man who sees noone but them.   They want the ride or die guy who will always have their backs.    The guy who isn’t a pushover, but will be there for them always.  Good times and bad.

The problem is that they are unwilling to reciprocate.   They want that unwavering, undying, unrelenting love, but they don’t want to feel ‘obligated’ to return the favor.   They want to opportunity to move and and find better opportunities should they present themselves.

In ancient Japan, the samurai were a class of warrior who dedicated their lives to a Shogun.   It was honorable for them to fight and even die for their master even though they were seen as disposable tools for a greater cause.  That cause often being the wishes, ambitions, or desires of the Shogun.

At one time, during my blue pill days, I was like the samurai and my wife (woman) was like the shogun.   It wasn’t until i realized that she wouldn’t do the same for me that I realized that I’m wasting my time here.

The whole idea that men should pursue women is dumb and blue pill men need to wake up to the fact that if she isn’t pursuing you, or if it isn’t reciprocal, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

In fact, while they want this, if you give it to them, then they have it and it’s no longer something they want.   They want the chase.  Again, falling in love means that you lose the edge and power.   It’s not that they want love, they want the power of having someone to fall in love with them.

Once they have this power, I believe that they subconsciously begin to lose respect and attraction to you.    This is why they are drawn to narcisstic personality types as those types never really fall in love.  You have to be emotionally cold and borderline mentally abusive (cruel) in order for them be attracted/drawn to you.   They want you to lie, make false promises, use them for sex, objectify, and be able to discard them easily while pretending to give a shit.  In other words, your ‘worship’ can’t be sincere, just strong enough to pull her in.  The pursuit isn’t because you love her, but it’s because want to conquer her so to speak.   In the end, it’s just a game, so any attempts, failed or successful are just a means to an end.   The end being having domination, not reciprocal love.

There is no such thing.

I’ve noticed that women generally always say that they ‘loved’ men who did this to them in the past.   It’s like a badge of honor or rite of passage for them.    Many will tell you that they will ALWAYS love these men, even though they know that they can’t be with them.

Good men….what I mean is Good “hearted” men don’t really stand a chance out here.   No matter what women tell you.   They believe they want a good hearted man, but in reality, they are repelled by these men.    It’s as if they want to be ‘abused’ or ‘used’ in order to make them feel validated somehow.    It’s a really fucked up mindset, even moreso because most don’t even realize this is what they respond to.

For this reason, you can’t really listen to what she says.   You have to look at what she responds to.   No matter how logical or reasonable she sounds, it appears that she can’t escape her nature.   She won’t admit to it because she’s completely ignorant of it.

While most of this theory (for me anyway) comes from circumstantial evidence, anecdotal stories, and other men’s testimonies, I need to determine for myself once and for all through personal experience.

The question though is How in the hell do you become a ‘bad boy’ without jeopardizing your personal success.    How can I treat her ‘bad’ if it’s always been my nature to want to treat them well.

It’s hard for me to use people.   I mean balance and reciprocity is one of my fundamental beliefs.   How can I learn to overcome that aspect of my nature and just use them for my own personal convenience.    How can I learn to truly objectify them without feeling shitty about it?    Even if it does work and they do respond well, I’d never be able to have the love with someone I’d want.  But i suppose that the lesson here is there is something wrong with the way that I ‘love’ women.

Maybe because it is what they truly want, I’m not really incurring much karmic debt.   The truth being that this is actually how to “love” a woman.    I’m incapable of enjoying ‘loving’ them if that’s the case.

As twisted as it sounds, it’s as if I have to be the  fun, sweet, but heartless asshole in order give them that experience of love and attraction in exchange for great sex. It’s a fair trade.    I guess that’s how ‘reciprocity’ works in the game of love.

From now on, it’s no longer about love, it’s about attraction and self respect.   Love is just for self, (non sexual) real friends, and family.