I’m so stupid sometimes

In true asshole fashion, I got fucked up last night and said something that I totally regret.

I’m feeling shitty about it because she didnt deserve that.

I dont know why I’m like that. Hopefully she can forgive me…again.

I find myself apologizing to her a lot. I never thought of myself as a toxic person.  Bitter, yeah maybe since going through all of this bullshit with my wife.   Perhaps the anger and frustration is affecting that relationship more than I realize.   She’s been no less than amazing to me and yet I’ve brought so much toxicity to her based on my fear and insecurities.

I should probably just leave her alone as I’m always apologizing for saying mean things.   That’s if she decides to even deal with me again.

I learned a valuable lesson.   I’m no saint, but I hate to hurt people who care about me.  I guess I’m not immuned to causing hurt to people who love me.

The redpill side of me says to just hurt her, she’ll get more attracted if I do.   Dunno why, but women seem to like being hurt by assholes as long as they have some attraction.  As long as I maintain the frame of being able to walk away or not really caring if she does, then all should be well.

Besides, it is her nature to be sneaky and she probably would end up cheating or leaving if I don’t do something fucked up sometimes.  It almost feels like I have to be an asshole sometimes to keep her interested.   It’s like those emotional spikes are necessary to make them stick around.   The absolute worst thing I could do is bore her by being, you know,  consistent and stable.

Rules of the game dictate that the worst thing to do would be to apologize.   But to be honest, I don’t want to play the game with her.   I probably fucked up by sending her a long text apology.  It’s like confirming that I  fucked up where at least if I didn’t there is a shadow of doubt.  I probably should have just ignored it and acted like nothing happened.

I gotta get past all these emotional feelings man.   I gotta stop trying to be so damn self righteous.   I fucked up.   It’s not like she even asked for one.   But if I lose her, then I’m ok with that.

Overthinking things as usual.

 

 

Advertisements

Her happiness matters most (the script)

I appreciate real and honest conversation with the best of them.   A female friend and I were discussing marriage, happiness, and family.   She told me that she felt that there’s nothing wrong with divorce if someone was unhappy.   She figured that the kids would pick up on it anyway and they’d be better off it both parents were happy.   It would teach them that it’s ok to leave a bad situation if they felt unhappy about it.

Surface level, that sounds pretty solid.   But to me, it defeats the point of marriage.   I mean what’s the point in getting married if you walk in with the belief that you can just leave it because you’re unhappy.   To me, it’s like suicide.   Sure you can kill yourself if you feel like life gets too tough, but it shouldn’t really be an option.  It’s selfish to those who care about and love you.

It also teaches them that being unhappy about your promises and obligations is reason enough to stop.  What if I decided to quit working or paying bills because it made me unhappy.   What if I had kids that depended on me?     The way I see it, once you have children,  your personal happiness plays second fiddle to their needs.  Not to say you should be miserable either, but sacrifice is often necessary for their well being.

Don’t get me wrong, there is wisdom in knowing when to throw in the towel.  That’s usually when the cost of finishing outweighs the cost of even winning.

Wisdom has to be considered when kids are involved.   Sure, they will grow up and eventually move on, but they didn’t ask to be here.  It’s your responsibility to care for their emotional, financial, and mental well-being until they grow up.

Today, it seems that modern western women want to be wives more than they want to be married.   I think they want the ring, the wedding, and the prestige, without the hard work and sacrifice that comes after that.

Many modern women share that sentiment that life is all about their happiness and   marriage should reflect that.     I could understand if her spouse has drug issues, is abusive, won’t contribute, or constantly cheating.   But today, simply being ‘unhappy’ with her spouse because she wants to get back on the dating scene is reason enough for many women to find justification to leave their families behind.

Once she gets the notion that she’s unhappy in her head, she becomes uncooperative,  resentful, and even vindictive.  The idea possesses her and by then, it’s pretty much too late to fix anything.   She plays the victim card for other men saying how unhappy she is and how much happier they make her.

This makes her feel justified in cheating and/or disrespecting her husband.  The other guy starts feeling like he’s rescuing her when often times, the husband is clueless that the problem is that serious or that there is even a problem to begin with.

Of course her behavior changes due to the cheating causing him to act with suspicion. That has a huge negative impact on the relationship.   She won’t acknowledge that her actions are making the situation much much worse as she’s convinced that she was unhappy anyway thus justified in the lying, gas lighting, and blatant disrespect.   She becomes emotionally abusive.  Things fall apart and get from bad to nuclear fallout.   She blames him and gets closer to her lover.   The husband is losing his shit trying to figure out what’s going on and as added measure, she will let the new guy in on that frustration.   It further cements the idea in the new guy’s head that the husband really is no good for her.

Some men will just play the role because he wants the freaky sex without the obligation.    If the new guy does takes the bait and decides to take her on, she will jump ship claiming that he had nothing to do with her decision to leave.  Meanwhile, the husband acts as a safety net of sorts in case things don’t pan out the way she wants.  She knows that at any time, she could change her behavior and make peace in the house again.  If her husband is a family oriented man, she knows that the family means everything to him.   She is fully aware that she has most of the leverage so to speak.   Power has corrupted her.

In Case after case men have reported that the woman is no longer the same person he married.  She becomes morally compromised no matter how great she was in the beginning.

On a side note, I’d recommend any man who finds himself in this situation to cut his losses as soon as possible, deal with the pain of losing his family, and make real preparations to move on.   She’s not going to change as long as she knows that he will be there.   On the other end, I’ve heard countless stories from men who say once they’ve moved on, she comes back wanting to fix things.  She realizes that the grass isn’t really greener on the other side.   For many of them, it’s too late, the longer he waits, the more pain he endures and less likely he will want to return.   I’ve also heard many cases of where he took her back only to find himself in the same position a year or two later.

After all that, she feels that her husband should pay her alimony and child support, happily co parent, and still do whatever to support her for the kid’s sake.  Sometimes including accepting the new guy into their children’s lives.  I mean she’s ‘happy’ for now.   That’s the most important thing and everyone else needs to accept that.  Because she got what she wanted, everyone should be ok with it, no matter what it cost everyone else.     The sad thing is that she never considers the impact to everyone else.   It can take men years to overcome the emotional trauma.  Children can become emotionally scarred and damaged requiring years of therapy.  Grades suffer.  Depression kicks in.   But it’s all justified in her mind.   She has been told her whole life that she deserves happiness by any means.

Ironically, the children are rarely happier even though she got what she wanted.   Studies have shown that people who divorce don’t really feel much happier about their lives after the dust settles.   *Save for cases of abuse.

Modern western women are notorious for following this exact script and it’s creating a society where the potential dedicated family men no longer want to risk losing their family, hurting children, and having to coparent with a chick who cheated, emotionally abused, and took his home simply because she got bored.  Not to mention the unfair alimony and child support laws that overwhelmingly reward her regardless of who’s to blame.

The man either has to take in on the chin and comply only to lose more respect from her.   Or fight for his dignity and risk being labeled as bitter and angry….(as if he shouldn’t be).     Often times, standing up for himself will result in a toxic environment for the children.

I’m telling any man who reads this, please reconsider what you’re doing.  If you think that there is a possibility that you can’t keep her happy DO NOT TAKE A KNEE.  If she makes the change, any logic, morality, pleading, begging, appeals to family values, vows, promises, etc will fall upon deaf ears.  IT IS NOT WORTH THE RISK.    These women are savages out here.

 

 

 

.

Ouch

Despite feeling like my wife probably isn’t the best woman for me.   Realizing that it’s not fair to make her stay where she doesn’t want.  Understanding that women’s nature these days is to do and be whatever the hell it is they’re trying to be regardless of how it affects others.

Even though I know this happens to men all the time.   That my son might be ok as long as I do my best to support him.   I know that life isn’t always fair.   I know that way worse things happen to way better people.

I know that eventually, I’ll get through this.  I imagine that I’ll be relieved once it’s all said and done.  I believe I’ll look back and be glad I made it though.  I know this.

I don’t know why in the hell i’m still getting random anxiety attacks whenever I think about it.   How is it that I can intellectualize these things.  Understand them, and yet still  feel so shitty on the inside?

How can I not really want her back, not like her as relationship material.  Be so damn unhappy about my current situation.   See the lies, the games, have such low expectations on her, accept the fact that she isn’t the woman I needed her to be.   I accept that maybe I didn’t treat her bad enough.   It’s my fault on that.   But I acted out of ignorance.  I don’t regret it as I gave it my best shot with what I thought I had to do.

Why do I still feel so bad sometimes?

This is why I just never want to fall in love again.  You just can’t turn it off, despite desperately hoping to.      I can’t give so much of myself to anyone else.   It’s not fair to me or them.

Be a matador

My people perish for a lack of knowledge.

Man, I don’t know if I’m just bitter or if I’m just awakened.   Women in America are freaking crazy man.   It’s like if you’re good to them, they cheat or run off.   If you cheat or are bad to them, they chase.  It’s like they’re not happy either way.  You’re either too boring or you “ain’t shit”.   I’m convinced that despite no matter what happens, they’re always looking for happiness.

So.  In turn, the universe blesses (or curses) them with what they want.   To always be looking for happiness (as opposed to just being happy).   It’s something about these women that they need drama or misery.   It’s as if that must be a part of their existence or they get bored.

I hear story after story after story about how good men try to step up and create families or keep it solid with a woman, only to have her go out and cheat.  It’s like they mistake his kindness for weakness.  And the mental/emotional abuse these men endure is mind blowing.   I feel for these men because I know first hand how evil, deceitful, and wicked a woman can become.

On the flip side, I hear story after story after story about women out here chasing men who have multiple baby mama’s, can’t stay out of jail, can’t keep a job, keep cheating….etc.

Whenever I ask a woman why they fall for the ‘thug’ types, they pretty much always say that those men make them feel ‘protected.’

Protected from what?   Who do you need protection from here in the U.S.?   Why are you hanging out in hood areas where you need protection anyway?  Soooo…. Kind hearted men can’t protect you?  Dudes who have something to lose aren’t out here getting into bullshit.  We handle our business and mind our own.    Many of us own guns and know how to use them.   We stay fit and often have taken up boxing or mma.  I mean, I’m a kind hearted person, but I don’t fear any man on the street.  I feel I could beat a lot of these so called thug dudes out here if we had to throw hands.

How in the hell do you feel that a 145 pound, out of shape grown man who smokes weed, drinks all day, can protect you.   If he’s not working, then is he protecting you financially?

If I ask the question, I’m met with blank stares, or looked at like,  Hmm I never thought about it, or whatever.  Man, are they stupid or something.   Seriously, there is something wrong here in America man.   I mean seriously, you’ve never asked yourself why you and your friends keep falling for the same types?

Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised.   Most women I know don’t really like having deep or serious conversations.   They overwhelmingly like to talk about some gossip, drama going on in their lives, whatever bullshit is happening in the moment, or some insignificant stupid shit.

I’m starting to think they feel left out if they aren’t part of the single mothers who have ain’t shit baby daddies club.   They wear that shit like a badge of honor or something.   While at the same time on Instagram posting “where are all the good men.” memes.

Wanting to be married, but not be wives.   They want the ring and the wedding, but don’t want to sacrifice the male attention, nsa sex, and single life in the city in order to actually be a wife and raise a family.   They will only respect a man if he is abusive, cheating, or has one foot out of the door already.

Maybe they actually need protection from themselves.   Maybe they intrinsically know that they have an evil side that’s activated by kind men.

Relationships are so dysfunctional here in the west that it’s ridiculous.   It’s at the point of where when I do have the sexual interest of a female, I’m hard on myself for being too kind to her.    I feel that I have to balance out the kindness by doing something fucked up or starting a stupid argument in order to keep her interested.

I notice that if I do make a mistake, the best thing to do is continue to act like I don’t know or use some sophistry to make it seem like it’s ok.  I’ve accidentally struck a woman during sex a little harder than I meant and even though she was shocked, the energy felt like she took it as a red flag, but was turned on more by it.

I got drunk and straight cursed a fwb out over some bullshit.  I mean straight out disrespect,  she got mad and in her feelings, but came back later and the energy made it feel like she was bonded closer to me.

The only ex I cheated on and ended up with a pregnancy scare  wanted to my surprise to work things out after a few weeks.

Dudes I know who are constantly disappearing, cheating, broke, taking her car to see other girls and getting busted seem to always be able to get away with it.   Women truly like asshole behavior.

But that’s not my personality.  How fucked up is that I have to struggle to be an asshole sometimes in order to keep her interested.    I don’t care how much they say they don’t like it, they respond to you totally differently when you’re an asshole to them sometimes.

They won’t admit it.   It’s frustrating because it’s like they can’t see it even if you give them dozens of examples, even from their own lives or their friends lives.   Women like red flags it seems.   They chase them like a bull in a bull fight.

“He has a police record”….hmmm, let me investigate.   “He might be abusive”…hmmm, let me see.  “He has a reputation as a player”….hmmm, gotta check it out.   “4 baby mamas”….let me take a closer look.

Maybe there is an asshole to kindness ratio you have to work out in order to keep them balanced.

Strange times man.

 

 

I hate this feeling

Man I hate this feeling that I have for my wife.   I don’t even really like her like that.  I definately won’t say love.   Shit, but i still get so damn mad sometimes.   It’s gotta be my ego hurting.

Why does this shit have to hurt so got damn bad.   Why can’t i just let it go.   If anyone is reading this I’m telling you never, ever, ever, get married and have kids man.   I hate what this chick is putting me through with every inch of my soul.

I hate that I feel powerless to do anything about it right now.   It feels like torture.   Why can’t I just let it go.   I’m tired of holding on to the resentment, anger,  and feelings of disrespect.  I know that it says more about her character than me.

I know that I don’t want to be with her.  I just want my family.  The irony.    I dont’ want to hurt my son, but staying in this situation is torture.   I gotta get control over my emotions.

I’m tired of being weak.  How can I get my strength back.   How do people just shut down all these damn emotions?

Calling dude  is a sucker move.   I don’t even care to know the guy.   In all other circumstances I’d gladly say, that it’s his problem now.   But I signed up for this.

The split is knowing that my family suffers if I just leave.   Hell I’d still suffer knowing that I hurt my son.  I don’t suspect she’d shed a single tear.    I’m not the type of person who wants someone who doesn’t want me back.  She’s free to do whatever she wants.   But why does that freedom have to force me and the innocent person I am charged to protect so much pain.

So here I am.  Resigned to basically being a fucking cuck because I can’t just leave.  Maintianing a home for my son where she benefits because of him.   She is allowed to get away with murder scott free it seems.   Here’s the choice, I suffer with my ego or kiddo suffers due to the loss of his home.

Maybe i should just embrace the fact that I’m a cuck.   My wife is free to do whatever the hell she wants.   I can choose to keep the home for him so he doesn’t suffer.  If I continue to suffer alone.  I mean at least one of us can be spared from this pain.    I’d suffer either way to see him in pain.

When it comes down to it,  he deserves happiness as a child.  I’d sacrifice mine for his. God blessed my with the resposibility of raising him.   I’ve lived my childhood.  Life will probably beat him up enough that he doesn’t need this.    I have to bear my cross.   It’s getting heavy, but I can’t seem to drop it.   As shaky as my knees are, they won’t let me fall.

So I have to take this ass whoopin like a man.   No point in crying about it, at the very least, I must keep my dignity and no longer bitch about it to her.   She’s heard my side. She makes her choice.

I make mine, we live and die by them.   Daily, one step at a time.

But in reality, if she ends up pregnant, then what?   At what level do I give in?

Choices man….

I need a drink

 

Misconceptions About Women

Men and been sold a bill of goods by society on how to treat women.   Many men have followed this formula only to have their hearts broken.  Unfortunately, many women have also bought into the bull.   If taken, it can cause sadness, depression, and possibly thoughts of suicide. Women taking this pill have feelings of unfulfillment and run a high risk of being easily manipulated by those who aren’t conditioned by these rules.    I’ll run down the list in hopes that someone reading this can avoid the pain of heartbreak.  

1)Put her on a pedestal

We have this impression that by uplifting her, she will appreciate you even more.   Putting someone on a pedestal implies that you are holding her higher than yourself.   When someone is on a pedestal, they are literally looking down on you.   If she feels that she is “higher” or “better” than you….she can only look down on you and she begins to seek someone on her level or better.    Don’t dig yourself into a hole.

She can’t be eye level (as in a peer either)either.  While this might be ok in the workplace or nonsexual relationship.   She should always be a little below you in your eyes in the context of a sexual relationship.  Otherwise you will become friend zoned.

It sounds mysogynistic and most women probably won’t accept it, but in real life, she can’t respect a man she doesn’t look up to.  She can’t be attracted to a man she doesn’t respect.

2)She wants a nice guy

They tell you to be nice, take her on nice dates,  bring flowers, be consistent, be accommodating,  and compliment her.   They tell you to only have eyes for her and never cheat and be careful with her heart.   Treat her with gentleness and care.   They will say that she deserves it.

While that sounds good on paper and it aligns with the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated…..it’s not true in real life.   She may tell you that she wants that, but ask yourself why does she end up friending the nice guy and complaining about the bad boy.   This happens way too often to be coincidental.

While she may like the nice guy, she will screw the bad boy without holding him accountable.   In her mind, she doesn’t want to ‘offend’ the nice guy or scare him off and make him work as he’s husband material, while at the same time she thinks the bad boy is just a temporary thing.

Because it’s temporary and could end at any moment, it’s also more exciting to her. It’s also easier for her to be “real” with him as she doesn’t fear judgement or scaring him off.   Helluva a catch -22 for them, and I get it.   Even though it is totally fucked up for the good guy.

As a man, I’d much rather be the guy who gets sex without paying over the guy who spends the time, money, energy just to prove he’s worthy of sex.  It’s an ego thing for me and I suspect most men out here.  Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Plus he gets to see a side of her that boyfriends and husbands will probably never see.

How messed up would it be to put in all the work to take her out on a great date and she calls the other guy over to have sex afterwards.  Sure she might ‘respect’ or even like the good guy more, but the bad man gets the nasty sex and often times a deeper level of intimacy.   It’s effed up, but many women have admitted this to me.

Unfortunately, she gets bonded to the bad guy over the deeper intimacy and sex and sometimes ends up having a kid/kids over that.

3)Women are like delicate flowers

Women are not delicate flowers.   They can be very very crude and cruel.   It’s been said many times that a middle school girl is the cruelest creature on this earth.   It’s like they have a switch where they know what they’re doing is wrong and hurtful and they get some sort of satisfaction out of hurting others.  As girls, they also get away with it as few few people think of girl bullies in a social context.     Given enough power in a relationship, some will become emotional bullies to compensate for their past feelings of powerlessness .    Emotional scars don’t leave visible wounds and many can become extremely vindictive despite appearing to be benevolent on the surface.   They are nowhere near the saints society tries to make them out to be.  Many are more savage than male players when it comes to the dating/love game.  Don’t fall for appearances.

4)They are selfless

Women aren’t selfless.  Everything is about them.   Many are selfish and feel entitled to be pampered regardless of lazy, wicked, or evil they are.   There is rarely such thing as unconditional love from them (except in the case of their children).  Even then, during the throws of honeymoon phase lust, many will  castigate their children if they come in the way.   This is how many women can turn a blind eye to the abusive stepfather who abuses her kids.

5)They are loyal

“These hoes ain’t loyal.”   We all know the phrase.   They are only loyal to themselves.   The biggest downfall of men is expecting for these women to behave in a way that’s loyal to him.   Loyalty and happiness can co-exist, but only if loyalty is placed above it in the hierarchy of governing principles.   Women place their happiness above loyalty so you cannot expect them to stay loyal should a ‘better deal’ come along.

They are like that job that’s always taking applicants.  While all applicants don’t get an interview, if some smooth talker comes along and gets her wet, you best believe she might put him on at least part time even if you’re doing your job well.

Women are sneaky and if you’re the jealous or investigative type, you’re in for a world full of disappointment.   My theory is require loyalty,  but don’t expect it.

6)Happy wife, happy life

You shouldn’t be responsible for making someone else happy.   I’m not saying that you can’t be pleasant or kind if that’s your cup of tea, but just don’t put the burden on yourself to keep her happy.   She can make herself miserable in the best of times as justification to do whatever her whims allow her to.   She may be happy with you for the short term, but you cannot keep her happy.  Don’t burden yourself.

7)She wants consistency

Women claim to want consistency and in a way it’s true.   They want security in knowing that you’ll always be there.  In reality, they abuse it.   If they know that they have you, they get bored.   While they might complain, it’s better to have them complain about it than to give them that power over you.   Nothing kills attraction more than boredom.  You have to keep her on her toes.   This is where bad boys excel.   She has to know that you can and will walk anytime she tests you.  She has to know that you have options before she can respect you.    She cannot love you if she cannot respect you.  You must play push pull with her if you want to keep her engaged.   Always be ready to walk away.  Otherwise, you’ll find yourself playing safety net as she seeks thrills elsewhere.

8)Compromise is key

Never compromise with your woman or else she sees it as weakness.   Every single thing is a battle.   She may stay with you if give in sometimes, but each time is a test and she loses a bit of respect and attraction every time you give in to one of her rediculous demands.   You have to keep her on the defense.  In football, defense may win championships, but in ‘love’ offense is key to winning.

Never fear her complaining, it means she’s still engaged.   Her not complaining is a sure sign that she’s looking to or has already moved on.  Seek compliance and respect over “love” and pity sex.

9)They want you to fall in love

Never, never, never, and I mean never fall in love.   It may be tempting because she’s cool, seems loyal, but once you actually fall, it’s like a switch goes off in her head.  Her respect level drops tremendously.   You lose control of your emotions.   You become possessive.  You lose your edge.   It turns her off.

You may or may not lose her if you like her a lot, but it’s guaranteed if you fall in love with her.   Approach the line if you’re a gambling man, but tread with CAUTION.   There is a saying that the one who cares the least has the most power in the relationship.  As stated before, you cannot give her power.   Though she seeks it, she ultimately resents it.   She will eventually resent you for giving it to her.   Ever notice how cruel they become if you happen to find yourself in love with her.   Ever notice how she can suddenly fall out of love?   This happens when she realizes she has that power over you.

Again, this is why bad boys and douche bags can get away with intentional disrespect while good guys have to walk the thin line of making no mistakes.

Don’t give her the power.    If you find yourself falling for a girl, (by then it’s probably too late)  I’d highly recommend falling back if you want to keep her around long term.  However, it’s much easier to pretend that you love her than to pretend that you don’t.  Men show love, women feel it.  Leave the emotions to her.   Trust me, it’s much better off for everyone in the relationship.

10)She’d never to that to me

Never put anything past her.   Many women don’t lie in the sense of not meaning what they say in the moment, but those words, sentiments, and emotions are temporary.  An I love you, or you make me happy, simply means that she feels that way in the moment.   You just evoked that emotion in her.   She could say that she loves you and mean it after a night of passionate sex or after a great date only to wake up the next day and feel nothing for you.   Her emotions are temporal.  She doesn’t really understand them most of the time so just take them with a grain of salt.

At the same time, when she says that she’d never do x,y,z.   It simply means that she doesn’t feel like she would in the moment.   If a smooth talker comes along and she falls for his b.s., that church girl will be letting him give her anal in a church parking lot while you’re at home watching the kids.

Never put anything past her.   You’re going to have to forgive her A LOT.   She is amoral as her happiness is more important than anything else in this world.   Falling in love will guarantee that you will be hurt/ bad as she is pretty much at the whim of whatever emotion is invoked in her,  regardless of the consequences of acting upon them.

Women will read this and think that I’m just bitter.   I understand.  Most women aren’t self reflective to understand that what they say they want is different than what’s been effective in  getting them.   Many can look back on their past behavior and agree that they have engaged in/ fell for this sort of behavior, but still deny that it works on them.

They are sort of like the blue pilled man in that they deny reality even though the signs are there.   That said, I strongly believe that knowing this information can help ignorant blue pilled men make better choices when it comes to dealing with women.   I also hope that a woman can read this and understand herself better.  Maybe then she can start making better choices by knowing herself a little bit better.

Meanwhile, I’m not saying be angry at women for this.  Accept it.  Embrace it and learn to use it to your advantage.   Know what to expect and handle yourself accordingly.   Guard your hearts gentlemen.   It might just save your life.

 

 

The cycle continues

So hurt and battered I can’t even pretend that things will be ok.   I can’t even run game at this point.   I don’t see any way out.

I’m sure she’d want for me to say things like, “we were meant to be together.”  or things like i’ve always loved you.   or say things like, “i feel in my heart that things are going to work out and be better than ever.”  or any other uplifting  hopeful or positive thing.

But I can’t.   I lost faith in her.   In us.   And as much as I want a home for our son.   As much as I hate the thought of losing our family.   I see no way for this thing to work.

It seems that all of my options are bad.   My lack of trust makes me fear that I can never trust her again.   Her aloofness and take it or leave it attitude says that she’s liable to repeat the cycle.   Her ability to so easily lie, lack of accountability, and inability to articulate her feelings makes me realize that I could never have the security I need with her.

If i let her go, then I lose the ability to see my son as much.  I’d have to admit that I contributed (willingly or nah) to break his heart and home.    Or I’d have to raise him alone.   Or face the possibility of her finding someone else where she can start over and be happy….despite climbing over to hurt so many people in the process.

Just saying, hitler would be happy if he had destroyed the Jews.   R. Kelly would be happy if we’d just let him pee on little girls in peace.  Donald Trump would be happy if we’d all shut the fuck up and let him be stupid.    Is personal happiness the most important thing if it hurts others in order to get there?

I am self reflective enough to know that my contribution to the toxicity of this marriage is minimal.

So saying that I want it to work out would be patently false.   Demands on her to stop dealing with the new guy would likely result in her lying again.  I have to do it to save face though.  I’ll talk my shit, but I’m pretty sure she’ll be sneaking around again.   This is the third time anyway.    I’m stuck until she can get back on her feet and there’s pretty much nothing I can do.   I took a risk, and lost, now I’m having to face the consequences.

I want her to regret the way she treated me.  It kills me inside knowing the state of black families that she could be so callous and aloof about ours.   I hate the fact that despite her knowing that divorce would hurt our son immensely, she didn’t even give our marriage a chance.   I hate the fact that I sacrificed so much for her only to get constantly disrespected.

I’m also in part stuck because I want to feel reciprocity and acknowledgement in some form.

I don’t know if i want her to want me back, but I do want her to regret her behavior.   I wish she could feel the pain she inflicted on me so she’d know first hand what she put me through.

I suppose karma doesn’t work like that.  I mean I can’t sit here and wait and hope that she realizes how bad she treated me….nor hope that karmic retribution kicks her in the ass.  It seems to work out that way sometimes, but not for the people waiting around for it to happen.   I’d be truly over it once the desire for her to feel that is over.   Perhaps true forgiveness is key here.   How ironic would it be if karma only works if the offended person actually forgives one who offends.

It feels that I’m fighting for my family with one hand tied behind my back.   Then sand keeps getting kicked in my eyes.  She has the advantage in that she knows I want my family more than she does.   But i want it more for my son than for her.

Conversation is bleak these days.  I tell her things that she does that’s destroying any attempt to fix things.   We rarely laugh or talk about more than the effed up things she’s doing anymore.   I try to make it plain and simple about how she sabotages the relationship and she seems  to get it. But yet she continues doing those same things anyway.

I don’t feel as bad though.  The pain isn’t nearly as acute as before and I do feel a sense of relief in a way now that I know I”m not crazy.  Still though, I can’t wait for this ride to be over.

I have no ETA for now.

 

 

 

Being blue pilled destroyed my family

Discovery of affair #3 and this time, I’m not really hurt or surprised.   Relieved.   Feeling stupid that I put myself back in this position.   But that’s on me.   It’s up to me at this point.

She doesn’t love me, that’s obvious.   Maybe she never truly really did.   It seems that we can never love the people who really love us back.   Perhaps deep down, I knew it.   After that fateful day of discovery one…and the hell that ensued over the past 4 years, till now, I’m somewhat numb to the news.

Redpill awareness and all.   She claims she’s sorry, but I suspect not sorry enough to stop.  She’s always sorry.   But never enough to turn around.   She wants out, I want out and the only thing keeping us is the fear of hurting our son.

I hate that.   I could work on fixing things and trying to forgive….possibly fixing things and overlooking the incompatibilities, but I cannot overcome the lack of trust.

My ego has been shattered.  My expectations of what a marriage is supposed to be unmet.   The realization that the likely destruction of another family home is imminent and upon me.    We’re just another statistic.

I know I fucked up.  Ignorance of the redpill until it was too late.   Here we have an example of how blue pill beliefs are out here destroying families daily.   We live in a different world.   There is no room for “good men” out here, unless you’re wealthy.   And even then, loyalty is dubious.   There is no turning this ship around.  I’ve simped myself into a corner.  I was too nice, too kind, too accommodating and she lost respect and attraction for me.

Despite the heavy times and situations that await, I’m relieved to have confirmation of the truth.   My son has to be strong.

I know that I don’t really love her like that.   Not enough to keep putting up with this.    Not enough to stay where I’m not loved nor appreciated.  Or rather appreciated, but taken for granted.

Either way, I don’t feel loved.   I don’t feel adored nor appreciated.   Deep down, I can’t feel the love.   How can I expect anything else from her?  She doesn’t love me deep down.   It’s like you’d just know in a way that’s beyond words.

Perhaps I am creating my own reality by feeling that way, but I’m so emotionally damaged that I don’t want to use the mental sciences I’ve been using to create my reality as of late to manifest it from her.

Am I addicted to this pain?

 

 

 

Fall in like, not in Love

I think Patrice O Neil hit the nail on the head where he said that “the optimal relationship when the woman is in love with the man, but the man is in like with the woman.”

She will always work to get you to fall in love and you provide just enough distance to keep her working for you.  It then becomes a balancing act of not getting too distant without the peril of being  too close.     Otherwise, she loses respect for you and once respect goes, so does attraction.

I had a few conversations as to why do women chase the bad boys, but run from the guys who truly love them.  I had them with women, and despite all of them dealing with lowlifes…or the aftermath of lowlifes, they all denied it.   Even my estranged wife denies it even though the guy she almost left me for is notorious for being a player and having a gang of bastard children.

I think grandmothers are doing their daughters and potential families disservices by telling girls that they should go for the guy who loves them more.   Even though they may say they want that, it’s not.   It can’t be.   Otherwise, you wouldn’t have so many love songs about women talking about their men cheating.

It’s literally a heath risk falling in love with a woman.  These emotions can lead to anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide if you overdo it.      I’m not saying to treat them like crap.  I’m just saying that I’m starting to think that it isn’t wrong to say whatever to get laid and string them along so to speak.

I mean, you literally can’t fall in love with them anyway or it ruins the experience for them.  But nothing’s wrong with entertaining their emotions.  They instinctively ‘know’ if you love them for real or not.   But by keeping them guessing, they are sort of entertaining cats with a string.   It’s much easier to pretend like you love them when you don’t than to pretend like you don’t when you do.

Put it this way, they are going to be miserable either way.   The nice guy is going to get boring, she might stay out of obligation, but will fill unfulfilled.    The douche is going to keep hurting her or letting her down despite her giving her best to get him.   Stability is boring but safe, instability leads to thrills and “passion spikes” but insecurity.   Either way she won’t be ‘happy.’

But one thing seems constant is that the good guy will get cheated on and left and the bad guy gets more loyalty.  While the good guy might be respected more by her family and friends, she gives her loyalty to the  bad guy.

There is no point in both of us being miserable when at least one of us has a shot at it. The way I see it, the best way for that to happen is if I stay emotionally distant.     Just saying.   It’s best for both of us.

Emotionally unavailable men are out here winning, big time.

The takeaway from the breakdown of my marriage is that I actually fell in love with her too much.   It got boring for her.  There was no challenge.  While I don’t think I smothered her by calling, texting too much,  or acting too jealous, she knew that she had me.  Things were just too stable around there.

To be fair to her (and most women), I don’t think that they know it themselves.   Most look at me like I have a third limb growing out of my head when I tell them this theory.  Unfortunately, most won’t look back on their history and see their the biggest heartbreaks came from dudes who didn’t really love them like that.  And the guys who’s heart they broke often really loved them.

The punishment of not knowing this little gem has cost me 3 years of nervous energy and insane anxiety.   I would have never guessed it would have taken this long to recover.

Painful lesson indeed.

 

 

90’s R&B will kill you

I was listening to some old school (think 90’s) r&b over the weekend and was reminiscing about how great the music was.   Moonlighting as a lyft driver, I am able to also dj for many of my riders. We had some fun times karaoking and discussing about the music of that era.

One constant theme of conversation was that the music back then talked more about love, falling in love, making love, and the whole chase/dating process.   Today the music is mostly about fucking, cheating, and side pieces.

I used to love the song “April Showers” by Dru Hill.  In it someone wrote:

“Loving you is all I need

Never take your love from me

I think i would lose my mind if you would go away

So say  you’ll never leave my side

And forever you’d be mine

Oh April Shower me with your love”

 

Music definitely influences as at the end of the night, i felt, for a few quick seconds how I’d like to meet someone and fall in love.   I quickly snapped back into reality when I remembered, shit i’m married, i fell in love and there is a lot pain and suffering on the other side of that.

Honestly, now that I look at the lyrics of that song, I’m thinking that there goes a guy who’s girl is about to cheat on him or put him in the friend zone.

I don’t know if it’s a cruel trick of the gods, a mass coincidence, or just bad luck, but it seems that two good people never seem to get to together.   There always seem to be at least one cheater/user/asshole in the couple.   If you’re reading this and in a relationship and it’s not you, then odds are….

Relationships bring out the worst in people.   Sure they often start off great.  Both people want the best for each other, they make promises, put their best foot forward, it’s amazing.   But the more amazing it is, the worse the fallout in the end.

I’m somewhat an optimist when it comes to people and for some reason I believe that most people are pretty decent.   I’m often shocked and amazed when I hear someone I personally know doing something messed up to others.    Sure, some can be petty at times, but truly evil and deceptive?….it’s like i hear about it on tv, movies, the news, anecdotally and what not, but rarely witness it in person.   Perhaps people are great at wearing masks.

That said, I can’t believe that I’m still struggling with the idea that my wife turned out to be the asshole cheater in the relationship.   I mean I’m usually so unemotional about things.  I’m a pretty even keel person, laid back, and chill.   I rarely get really upset or angry about things and even when I do, I’m usually able to play devil’s advocate with myself so that I can gain insight into their perspectives.   Issues like racism, homophobia, and abortion don’t really bother me.  While I may lean one way, I usually understand the WHY’s enough that I don’t take a strong stance either way.   I really don’t care as long as it doesn’t directly affect me.

I still can’t wrap my head around why my wife would be so damn….cold.   Even with the realization that she doesn’t love me.   I don’t think she’s capable.   I know that I cannot be surprised at anything she might do at this point.   I don’t know why i still have so much anxiety when it comes to her.   I know that I can’t change her.  At this point, I don’t know if i even care to.

I hate that I fell so hard that I still feel weak.   Falling in love makes you weak man.   If she decides to bail, if you truly love her/him, then expect some shitty days, weeks, possibly years.   I’ve even attempted to replace her so to speak without getting emotionally attached.   I got emotionally attached,  (those damned cancerian stars), but not to that level.

It’s like having a constant ache where you can take a pain reliever here and there to mask the pain.   But it’s still there.   Just waiting to rear it’s ugly head.   I fucking hate being so weak for someone who could care less.   I know I should let go, but it seems that I can’t sometimes.   I know I’d be better alone, but circumstances prevent me from just leaving her alone.

In reality, I don’t even like her that much.   If I  just met her and got her number, I couldn’t see myself really taking her seriously for anything other than another notch on my belt.

She’s cool, just not my type.   The conversation just isn’t there.  We just see things differently.   Outside appearance wise, she doesn’t seem any different than most of these females i run into, it’s just, i don’t know.  I’ve met other women who I seem to have better conversational chemistry with.   I’ve even met others where the sexual chemistry blows ours out the water….even at our best.

I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to just let go.   I don’t like the way she makes me feel most of the time.   I know she’s a cheater.   She’s secretive still.   Bubbly personality, funny, but shallow underneath.   Plus she’s little a bit funnier than me and I don’t like that ish.  Either way, it’s going on 3 years since dday and I’m still as confused and anxious as ever.

In the words of Carl Thomas  “…and i wish i never met her.”

sigh.   man, when will this hell be over?