Top 10 Problems with Modern Western Women

Even though it feels that I’m pretty much over the redpill rage, I am not the same as before. I find myself really disliking a lot of women…at least as far as thinking that I would not want to be in a relationship with one. I know that ALL women aren’t terrible like the ones I often hear about and experienced (at least I hope not), but my tolerance for the bullshit is pretty low and at this point, I don’t know if I will be able to find a woman to ….ya know, actually want to be with relationship wise. My issues with a lot of modern women are:

1)They are too entitled. They feel like they deserve the best of the best regardless of they type of person they are or their accomplishments. They feel they don’t have to bring anything but pussy and their appetites to the table. If if they have resources or money , it’s not on the table. Your money is “yall’s”money. Their money is their money.

2)They are too arrogant. You have average chicks (looks and personality wise) believing that they are too good for an average guy. Just because guys want to sleep with them doesn’t mean that she’s somehow a princess or anything. Dudes will sleep with just about anyone and will say almost anything to get it. It doesn’t make her Cleopatra just because several men want to sleep with her. Her plethora of ‘options’ are simply thirsty men who want to get between her legs, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to be with her like that. Yet because they get some sexual attention, they believe they are Beyonce or something thinking they deserve a Jay-Z or rich millionaire who only wants to spend on them. Most average women don’t know that they are are actually average. But who’s gonna tell them?

3)They try to be too funny. Funny women aren’t really that attractive to me. It’s ok, I suppose, depending on the kind of funny. Most aren’t really all that funny anyway. STBXW thinks she’s hilarious. She’s actually more annoying. Dunno, but somewhere in the relationship, she developed this loud obnoxious mean girl sort of laugh. It’s rediculous when they don’t take anything seriously and always want to make jokes. Maybe it’s attractive / cute to them when men do it, but as a man, it’s annoying AF….even if my male friends do it.

4)They are superficial. Many have an unhealthy obsession with money. It’s the ‘get the bag’ generation. Am I the only one noticing that people are starting to worship money these days? Don’t get me wrong financial security is important. But despite having their needs mostly met….at least from a Maslow’s heirarchy point of view, they still crave MORE and MORE. Financial security and ambition are now code words for wealthy or either doing whatever it takes to be wealthy. While nothing is wrong with being wealthy on it’s face, but it’s like, they’re putting the cart before the horse. They seem obsessed with traveling (or should I say vacationing), luxury, and whatever other bullshit shiny things they see on reality TV. Most people who became successful did so because they came up with something that changed or at least contributed to changing the world for a lot of people. Often, the money wasn’t the primary motivator. It was like they discovered their purpose or passion first, saw where it could be useful to others, worked at it and the money came later. I’m pretty sure one can have passions that aren’t lucrative financially, yet just as fulfilling. Yet if it doesn’t make money, it doesn’t count.

5)They are ignorantly selfish. The rise of women in the workplace is evidence of this. Many women want financial equality, yet when it comes to contributing financially to the household, they feel that they man should be the primary breadwinner, regardless of her earning potential. The double standard is that they wouldn’t mind if their man made exponentially more money than them and in fact would expect him to carry the load of the financial burden if he made the most most money. Added insult to injury is that men typically don’t have as high as a lifestyle requirement as women. Also, many women will NOT do anything they don’t feel like doing. They won’t even try it. Ever ask a woman who isn’t into hiking to go hiking. Yet she expects you to go to the damned spa or something. Compromise typically goes only one way. You compromise with her, not the other way around.

6)They are greedy and expensive. Why would we even need a half-million dollar home with only 1 or 2 children anyway? Why work so damned hard for these material possessions when we can’t even really enjoy the fruits of our labor? Do we really need to keep up with the Jones’? Who the fuck pays 1500 for a handbag anyway? Why do u need ALL of these damned clothes that you don’t wear/ wore only once anyway? Why do u need all this expensive makeup when you actually look better without it? And why do we need to pay $25000 for a freaking wedding? Why do you want an expensive Range Rover and a 1.2k a month car payment? Don’t tell me it’s because of the fine English mechanics. Yet, even if can manage to afford to have / do all of this, they still end up miserable. According to some reports, they file for divorce a whopping 80% of the time. This number doesn’t even include the one’s who are cheating on their husbands or just afraid to leave despite being miserable anyway.

7)It’s your job to keep her happy. As her man, you’re expected to be her counselor, porn star, entertainer, provider, protector, alpha beta, and whatever the fuck else she requires in order to keep her happy. You better also have a shit ton of game and make sure you pass all of her shit tests. Fail in any of these, then she feels justified in cheating or leaving. Give her 8 out of the 10 things on her list and someone else comes along tempting her with the other 20%, it’s like all the other shit you do goes out the window. You don’t make enough money, you’re not funny enough, you’re not good enough in bed, you don’t pay enough attention to her, you’re too needy, you don’t help enough with the kids, you’re not ambitious enough, you’re too ambitious. Even if you happen to be able to juggle all the balls without dropping one, you still have to worry about the number 3 relationship killer….BOREDOM. Yup, you could be perfect, but she could just get bored with you. Then she starts feeling unfulfilled, claims to be a shrinking violet, and needs to “find herself”. Good luck with that.

8)You can’t tell them anything. Have you ever tried to tell a woman over 33 anything? Yes and you did exactly that…. ‘TRY’. These modern middle aged women are extremely stubborn can’t learn anything new. They won’t take accountability and are NEVER wrong about anything. I’ve heard so many black women say that they’re never wrong about anything that it’s not even funny anymore. I thought they were joking at first, but no, keep prying and you’ll eventually discover they are serious. You can give them examples, tell stories, give analogies, show facts….. it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t line up to ‘her truth’. With such fragile ego’s it’s really just best a lot of times to give up and let it go if it isn’t worth the argument. Ad hominems, deflection, and blame shifting are their responses of choice. As they say, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, the same can be said for middle aged women.

9)Being in love is only temporary. When a woman is in love with you….she LOVES you. You can’t do wrong. But it’s pretty much over when she falls out. Her loyalty is based on how much she is IN LOVE with you. But once the sparks disappear, she’s liable to do anything, including check out, stop giving you sex, give you the pity pussy. … and that’s if you’re lucky. Many will just cheat on your goofy ass until they find someone else to take her on. It’s like she doesn’t have the ability to love on her own free accord. It must be based on emotions and attraction only. Lose that then, you’re in for a shitty ride….especially if you aren’t the primary breadwinner who is providing the LIFESTYLE she thinks she deserves. This is one reason I cannot condone marriage this day in age. They will check out emotionally and even if you try to straighten up, it’s usually too late by then. They cannot bring themselves to love you on their own. You can think that she’s your ‘best friend’ and that your relationship is deeper than the superficial, but I have a million stories out here of men warning you otherwise. Redpill theology says it best. “She’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” It is one thing they definetely get right.

10) These women have too many gotdamn bodies. It’s already pretty gross that you have to have to acknowledge that she’s most likely has a history of sleeping with many men. Do you know how many dicks have been in her mouth, gallons of nut that’s been pumped into her body and down her throat. All the nasty freaky shit she did with other men before you? And you still want to kiss her in the mouth or eat her out? How disrespectful is it to have her cheat on you after accepting her past and have her do it while you’re with her. Imagine kissing her in the mouth just a few hours after having her lips wrapped around another man’s member. Or eating her out days after some douchebag ejaculated inside of her. It’s disgusting. Like wearing another man’s underwear or something. You think that sex is special somehow just because she screams your name during sex? How many other men made her moan with pleasure? Spit in her mouth, and poked every hole in her body. Stuck a finger or two in her butt while she was bent over. Yeah. That’s your WIFE now. How many men did she lead to believe that the sex with them was the most incredible or special thing she’s ever experienced? Newsflash dummy, you weren’t the first and most likely won’t be the last. Sex really isn’t that special to her my guy, no matter how she pretends yours the best thing since sliced bread. If sex is the bond or glue that ties you two together as something more than just friends, today it is the elmer’s kindergarten class project glue. Maybe it’s more like used scotch tape if we’re honest.

All of this said, relationships aren’t really special. Love is just temporary lust and biochemicals mixing in your brain. A drug. Women don’t love you, they just lust you sometimes temporarily. They don’t need you these days and even if they do, they usually grow resentful or ungrateful over time. Love doesn’t necessarily mean loyalty and is usually temporary. It’s not about what you actually do, but how can make her feel. She may love you for a season or two, but it’s just temporary. They’d rather be in love (lust) which is usually outside of their of control and are mostly incapable of loving someone for real (choosing it). For these reasons, I’m not sure if I’m just jaded and bitter of I’ve finally waken to the fact that Santa ain’t real.

It’s come to this

The latest incarnation of the de-evolution of the stbxw has me realizing that there is no coming back for her. I can only assume that she is only going to get worse.

She is becoming a caricature of the evil antagonist in my story.

I’ve often been intrugued at how the the ‘bad’ guy of the film became the way that he was. Villians like ‘The Joker’, Lex Luthor, Dr. Octopus of comic book lore all have some sort of background that somewhat explains why they are hell bent on destroying the earth or some bullshit. Even Satan himself has some back story where one could say, “well, I kind of get it.”

Yet I see no / have no apparent explanation as to why the STBXW has chosen to act in such an evil way. It’s as if she’s possessed by a demon or someting. She’s not the same person. Her moral / ethical compass appears to have just broken.

I don’ know who this new person is, perhaps it’s been there the whole time. Personally, I don’t like her. Maybe I should have expected this. I’ve never seen intelligence as a moral attribute, however, it does appear that one has to have some level of emotional intelligence in order to understand the ‘evils’ that they do.

Yet she seems completely and utterly ignorant and incapable of understanding how fucked up she behaves and treats me. It’s as if she can’t really grasp how selfish she really is. And this ignnorance of her selfishness will prevent her from ever being trustworty as a friend….let alone a significant other.

I’ve tried to send her articles, videos, and media in hopes that it could jog something inside her mind….yet she refuses to read or watch them. If she truly felt the need to self improve, self reflect, or even defend her actions, one would think that she’d at least look at them…if not superficially to prove me wrong or correct my ‘inaccurate’ assessment.

Yet she refuses to defend herself or her actions. She is the woman who the scripture warns us men about. “She doesn’t consider the ways of life.” She’s like a zombie… a little bit above an animal.

Proverbs 5:6 “She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it”

This verse pretty much sums her up as succicently as anything I could say about her.

I have to really have keep this in mind when dealing with her. It’s probably generally a good idea to avoid these types of people whenever possible. They can fuck your life up with little thought into what they do. Yet I have to co-parent with her.

Hopefully rememberance of this verse will come in handy in times when I get frustrated with her being a cunt for no apparent reason. Allowing her to upset me is like allowing a special needs person (one without common sense anyway) to get under my skin.

She’ll get her karma. Most likey, it will come in the form of her doing something stupid. Though she probably won’t see it as ‘karma’ per se, tbh, i think she’s too stupid to see correspondence between her outcomes and her actions. Most likey, she’ll try to keep it a secret and /or rug sweep it as if it didn’t happen as long as she thinks noone knows about it.

This is what happens when people are never held accountable….but at this point, holding her accountable isn’t likely to teach her anything anyway.

She is a black-blonde. At one time i thought that her naivety was endearing….and in ways it is. However, it is dangerous as it it likely activated my ‘protector’ instinct when it came to her. But now I see that this is actually a liability as well as a danger as she lacks the moral integrity and emotional intelligence to not throw you under the bus as an instictive reflex should temptation come her way.

Perhaps I was bit naive myself when it came to her. I do wonder if others can see it in her. But we as men can be really stupid and selfish as well when it comes to ‘beautiful’ women at times it seems. Though her looks are fading quickly as she hits the wall, there will probably be no shortage of ‘wolves’ willing to take advantage of her lack of common sense and sense of moral integrity.

The thing I have to accept that there will most likely never be a “come to Jesus” moment with her. Though I’ve pretty much given up on us being a ‘family’ like we once were, I always expected that she’d someday look back and actually sincerely apologize for her role in the destruction of our family and friendship. I was actually hoping that perhaps this could give me some sort of closure and we could co-parent in somewhat a satisfactory manor.

I am starting to realize that this cannot happen due to the way her mind works. I am going to have to accept that something is missing in her. I cannot make her be a ‘decent’ person. I have to learn how to create boundaries with someone who cannot truly understand the need for them. I’m fighting with a domestic terrorist who doesn’t care about collateral damage, reasoning, nor standard conventions of war. Unfortuately, without any way/power to enfornce these boundaries, and with limited means of reasoning…..this is going to be hard.

I can’t believe that I actually once believed that this woman was special. She is a standard issue narc who thinks she’s special. I was such a fool.

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A Deal With the Devil

I’ve been listening to a ton of stories about narcissism and infidelity due to the YouTube algorithm populating my recommend list lately. In many of these stories, the men getting cheated on very often report that their wives/long term partners seem to have changed. It’s not uncommon to hear them say things like “I’ve never known her to be this way” or “This isn’t the woman I married.” It’s quite interesting how the actions and behaviors of these women are so similar in these stories. They’re becoming quite predictable. It’s as if a similar energy or spirit possess these women.

My stbxw also seemed to experience this transformation. It’s like their character fundamentally changes at the core. At one time they had trouble lying, now, they do so with no guilt. The were once fair, but now selfish. Once stand up, now manipulative. Genuinely kind, but now somehow it’s fake. The lack remorse, empathy, or care for someone who had been their “best friend” and closest ally over sometimes a few decades. You rarely hear about these women feeling any sincere remorse or guilt for hurting her man or destroying her family. Any show/display of remorse comes from either getting caught, having to eat humble pie because it doesn’t work out with the other man, or because she stands to lose either resources, reputation, or both. It’s not from a place of being genuinely apologetic for the damage they cause. Spoiler alert: they always end up doing it again if you do take her back.

Our 13th anniversary was on Dec. 12 and i told her that never in a million years did I think we would be in this place. She agreed and said before the affair, she never would have thought so either. Yet she doesn’t have any remorse for destroying our family. The cognitive dissonance she has is amazing. She describes how “unhappy” she was, yet can’t give a single example/reason to explain or justify the reason for this unhappiness. At least not to the point of justifying such betrayal and the consequences of destroying our family. In infidelity/affair literature, it’s called rewriting history. It’s something that wayward spouses do to justify their behavior where they make things seem worse than what they actually were. It’s a form of self brainwashing. I know she’s doing this because as I said, she cannot give any specific examples of anything that was so bad / miserable about about our marriage and family life.

It’s like invasion of the body snatchers where the very thing that made you consider actually marrying them in the first place has been replaced with something sinister and wicked. Their values change. They lose their integrity and moral compass. I have a theory on this and it’s a bit woo woo, but hear me out.

I believe that once they cross the path into infidelity, they open themselves up to something akin to a demonic spirit that’s quite similar to that of a narcissist. Many people believe that narcissists are demon possessed individuals. They lack compassion and empathy for their own families. Now on it’s head, it doesn’t seem too significant of a claim. Typically, narc’s are just like that. But what makes this quite concerning is the fact that this change happens during the affair period. Many call it “the affair fog”.

I think what happens is that they take on the spirit of the guy they are cheating with. There is an exchange of spiritual energy that occurs when two people sleep together. Any man who sleeps with another man’s wife already has a spirit of disrespect, manipulation, deceit, cruelty, and wickedness. The woman (being the weaker vessel spiritually speaking) takes on this spirit and it basically possesses her. She becomes corrupted and compromised. She is no longer the woman you married. She quite literally sold her soul. She is like him now.

Another common thing reported is that she does things sexually with him that she never did with you or things that she claimed disgusted her. How is it possible that you’re that close and intimate with someone for YEARS and they never mentioned doing those things. Or even if you did, they weren’t interested, yet only after a few weeks/months of meeting someone, they are doing them? Do you think they were lying to you at the time when they had no reason to? I’m pretty open sexually, but I do have my boundaries. They don’t change for new people.

They say that once a good girl goes bad, she’s gone forever. And once a cheater, always a cheater. This is because that spirit that she absorbed from that guy is in her. It’s taken over her mind, heart, and soul. While it does share many of the characteristics of the woman you once married, she is infected with a demonic entity. Unfortunately, you can either learn to deal with it or leave. But know that this entity will flare up and a true reconciliation isn’t really possible. Her mind and heart is no longer with you. You cannot love that demon out of her.

I’ve heard so many stories of false reconciliations where the woman through the motions of the counselors or pastors only to lie to them. They will either go back to the OM or move on to another man after a few months or so. My STBXW actually lied directly to a pastor in the church about her involvement with her affair partner as she was still dealing with him. This is a woman who once respected the faith.

These women become irrational to the point where you really have to wonder if there is some mental illness going on. Some of the things they say seem so illogical and unreasonable that it’s not uncommon to wonder “How did I miss all of these red flags.”

I really don’t think they were there, I think she changed….and for the worst as far as character goes.

STBXW really believes that she deserves “love” and a man to swoop in and “rescue” her. She believes that destroying her family for her own selfish lusts and desires is just some trivial thing. She once told me that people cheat sometimes, that’s just what it is. Yet, before all of this occurred we’ve had numerous conversations about how much we despise cheaters. She’s seen and witnessed the first hand the destruction the emotional damage such a thing has on the victims. Yet today, she’s justifying that sort of behavior. She’s even gone on so far as to cheat with 2 guys who she knew were in relationships with other women with kids. When confronted by one of these women, she told her that she was still going to see him regardless of what she thinks about it. Sounded very similar to her second affair partner when I confronted him.

This is not the woman I married. She wasn’t like that.

It boggles the mind and perplexes me how I could have missed these red flags in her. Even my closest friends and family are surprised by her. Her side of the family can’t know how fully depraved she’s become. Knowing them, they would cut her off. Yet, her justification of “I’m not happy.” seems sufficient enough for them. She lies by omission and if they only knew what she is doing now, I’m sure they wouldn’t be so lenient as for as not calling her out.

That said, I can no longer trust in anything she says. Fully corrupted and demonic, I have no clue what she’s capable of anymore and I really don’t trust her with our son. I don’t think she’d physically hurt him, but psychologically, I think she is capable of damaging him if it serves her selfish wants. I can’t say for sure if she would, but given the cavilier attitude she has about breaking his home, her lack of effort in trying to fix it before burning it down, and unrepentant selfishness she’s displayed so far, I can’t put it past her.

It’s like There is no amount of logic and reasoning I can do with her can get her to see the harm she’s done/doing . Her moral agency is corrupted. She’s angry with me because I won’t stand for her bullshit and I’m probably the only person who knows and will call her out on it. She’s now for the streets and I cannot save her.

This may make co-parenting a difficult task to undertake because I refuse to capitulate to her bullshit. I’m relearning which battles are worth it and which ones aren’t. It’s hard to negotiate with terrorists though. While I know that my testimony is one-sided and there are multiple sides to every story, I’m trying to be as objective as possible as I type this out. I have resolved to divorce her in the upcoming year. Things are looking pretty bleak for a noncontested, but I have to do what I need to do and hire a divorce attorney. Hopefully, this can help with some of the closure that’s needed to close this chapter of my life.

This lesson has taught me that marriage isn’t a viable option for me. It’s not that I don’t trust women carte blanche. I just can’t see myself putting that much emotional investment into a person who can just change into an unreasonable and corrupt monster overnight. It’s just not a wise choice to give someone that much power over you and your life. I have to have the power to walk away without it affecting those around me who depend on me.

Falling in love and marrying someone is like owning a pet tiger, sure, the “right one” may never turn on you, but if it does and you never know if it will, it’s too late by the time you find out and the consequences can be very detrimental.

It could all be so simple

“But you’d rather make it hard….loving you is a battle, where be both end up with scars.”

-Lauryn Hill

I don’t know why so many women in the black community seem to think that their ‘temper’ or inability to control their mouth is a ‘cute’ or ‘quirky’ thing. I know so many women who humble brag about their tempers or anger issues. Many are also low key proud of the bullshit they be on when it comes to relationships. Songs like, ‘back up on my bullshit’ and so forth are anthems for them. They are materialistic, loud, overtly aggressive, and always ‘chasing a bag.’ They like to use current pop lingo/slang and seem to think that this behavior is somehow appealing. Their role models are Niki Minaj, Meg the Stallion, Rihanna, or Lizzo. They seem to think that expressing their feminine power is being overtly sexual and selfish.

They are loud, permiscuous, lacking morals, and overtly materialistic. I really don’t see the appeal. Yet, they wonder why men only want sex from them. I mean seriously, who the fuck wants to deal with all of that toxic ass behavior. To be honest, it’s a real turn off for me these days. When I see a woman who acts/dresses in a certain way, i am starting to bet repulsed by it.

The fake nails, fake hair, fake eyebrows, bbls, waist trainers, and so forth make them look like common street walkers or many times, transexual men. When I see a gang of them hanging around with these ho uniforms all loud and obnoxious makes me want to walk in a differerent direction.

I mean seriously, what dude really wants to wife a woman like that? My lover, despite all of my protests seem to think that this is what we like. She is a another example of someone experiencing cognitive dissonance when it comes to this. Even though she has toned down how she dressed since she’s met me…. At least when I can see what she’s wearing when she goes out…..she still seems to think that men like this.

I’m like the men who do actually like this ‘persona’ are probably men you wouldn’t want to get serious about. They all need to stop watching these reality tv shows because I’m starting to think that they think that this is real life. As a man, I’ve talked to men about the eyelashes, nails, and attitudes and the vast majority > 90% never say that they like those things. At the very least, the most understanding (blue pilled) say that it’s their right to wear what they want as long as it makes them happy. Still though, most of them won’t go so far as to say that they actually like it.

It seems that immoral, rachet, and loud women are the prototypes of what many females want to become. They are cold hearted and act like they want to be gangsters or female thugs or something. It’s like way too much masculine energy. It really pisses me off sometimes because these women want to act masculine, but don’t seem to understand that that the ‘loud mouthed’ arrogant guys who really be talking shit like that is either extremely rare or either a characature in movies and rap videos or locked up and in constant trouble.

Most dudes know that being reckless with his mouth or behavior (unless he’s really about that life)…. can get him into serious shit. He might get beat up, jumped, shot, arrested, or even killed if done to wrong person. You have a few ‘tough guys’ out there, but for the most part, we know that as men, that we have to show a certain level of restraint. you just aren’t going to be running your mouth at people on average….especially if you have something going for yourself. We will generally (normal guys, not street dudes) try to avoid voilence or situations where violence can occur. This isn’t out of fear of the next man per se, but it’s because the outcome isn’t worth it (win or lose). We’re talking, jail, possibly prison, having to kill someone, paying court fees, paying a lawyer, and bad things on our record. These things actually can hinder us and set us back a few years either emotionally or financially.

Yet, they want this bad boy who doesn’t care in the name of ‘feeling secure’ and protected. Protection from….what again….we live in a safe time. It’s all fun and games until he turns up on her….and then she gets to play victim. What a confusing time. It seems just easier to just not give a fuck as far as not caring what their feelings are. This way, you don’t have to capitulate to the pressure of walking that fine line. And ironically, it seems that the less you give a fuck, the more she likes you.

Then if you are foolish enough to take on the risk of catering to her in the name of ‘love’ you absolutley must walk in perfection. You’d better be making the right money, keep her entertained, fuck her good when she wants it, buy her nice gifts, take her on exotic trips, stay masculine (whatever her version of it is), and anticipate her wants/desires before she does. You better make good money AND somehow carve out enough time for her. Yet, maintain an air of mystery. Basically, become a suffering/ yet eager super man servant to her needs without coming across as too desperate for her. Then, should someone else come along who provides something you may lack…. or he happens to have better ‘game’, or promises her ‘better’ than what you can offer…..All of the dragons you slayed, your achievements, or your history together means nothing.

It’s your job to keep her ‘happy’ in this day of the promise of greener grass at every turn. She’s a princess who “deserves” the best of what life has to offer after all and fail to meet that expectation, then she feels justified to turn her back on you. Seriously, who the fuck wants to sign up for that? Your contributions, feelings, desires for the best for her mean absolutely NOTHING….even if you were foolish enough to put up with all her bullshit in the name of love. Maybe i have abandoment issues, but it does seem that way to me.

To me, it ain’t worth it. At least not to the point where I’d put my heart on the line again. If she ain’t making it easy, i ain’t chasing shit because often times, the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. Loyalty is a good man’s downfall these days. It truly is a case of ‘she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.’….that is of course, unless you pay the price….and there is still no guarantees with that. … and guess what, there is NOTHING you can do about it. But if you do happen to win….your prize?…..to keep doing it over and over day after day, year after year……hoping that you can maintain.

Yet they wonder why men don’t even try these days? I can’t say how many women are like this but I can say for sure that I don’t see women calling this bullshit toxic behavior out. Many men will at least ‘white knight’ or pretend at least just to get some ass. But you rarely if ever see women call toxic/terrible women out on their behavior….to the contrary, you see many of them endorse this behavior.

Not saying that all women are like this, but you can never really know because 1)there are a ton of chameleons out there (narc’s are notorious for that and 2)people do change. I wouldn’t recommend putting everything on the line for something so fickle and uncertain….but to each his own.

Truth or Red Pill Indoctrination?

They say that love is the thing that makes you accept the worst out of a person and still want to deal with them. In marriage, this gets exponentially harder as the lust factor fades, familiarity increases, and the pressures of life begins to mount up. You have to learn to accept your spouse, and their changes, for better or for worse for the sake of the family unit. Hopefully, that person’s changes won’t be deal breakers and you can grow together.

I’m starting to wonder if she hadn’t cheated / had an affair, could I have a taken the STBXW’s changes. I am at the point where it fees like she’s just not right for me. I wouldn’t marry her today if I knew her. Especially knowing what I know about her now.

But I have to admit that I don’t know if I’m really good for anyone in a relationship context.

However, I also have to admit that lately, I have developed an aversion to loving a woman. Ok, rather, being in love with a woman. This failed marriage and the internet has really changed my perspective of relationships and women in general. I always thought that in general they were fair minded, self sacrificing, oppressed individuals who just wanted a fair shake in love.

Today, I hold a wildly different view. It appears (at least based on my experience with STBXW and the view of many men social media) that they are actually selfish, materialistic, cold hearted, narcissists who only live for the principle of self. They are generally sneaky cheaters who only love what you can do for them and think that the universe revolves around them. They are ignorantly narcistic, virtue signaling, self victimized, spoiled princesses who feel that they deserve the lifestyle of the rich and famous. They can’t be wrong, like ever. In essence, many are like spoiled children with too much power and expect for men to bow down to them as they complain about said men, while at the same time feeling like they can treat men any way they feel…..often based on superficial values such as attractiveness or wealth accumulation.

I don’t know how many more videos I have to see of wives cheating on/ humiliating their husbands…..getting in a man’s face and talking shit, sometimes even hitting him, knowing he can’t really do anything about it…. or simply going online and complaining about the ‘lack of good men’ while always being attracted to ‘bad men’ who they already know are ‘bad’. They swoon for the attractive womanizer knowing his reputation in advance, seeing all the red flags, but when it blows up in their faces, they want to complain about ALL men……while either ignoring or friend zoning the guys (simps imho) who might actually treat them right.

But if they do choose one of those guys, they want money, more money, excitement, adventure. They want…no they feel that they ‘deserve’ a man who is attractive, wealthy, charming, understanding, passionate, a porn star in bed, and desired by other women while he only has eyes for her. And they should not settle for less than perfection (though often claiming that no man is perfect). These average women all think they are somehow above average and that average is somehow an insult these days. Too many think they are 8’s or 9’s and marriage material, no matter how shitty their morals, values, actions, and behaviors are.

For this, I blame the terrible ‘simps’ who tell women anything so that they can get laid. All up in their inboxes calling them ‘queens’ or ‘beautiful’. Noone is checking them and often the media panders and caters to them. Yet many still have the unmitigated gall to complain that the ‘patriarchy’ is oppressing them simply because they choose to engage with ‘bad men’ or would rather put the magnifying glass on they few bad men that actually oppose them.

They claim that men own most of the wealth when in reality it’s only a few men who own most of the wealth. Yet they conveniently ignore the fact that most men get raped in family court (often times for trying to do the right thing for their families)….most of the homeless people are men….. most suicides are committed by men….. 80% of divorces are initiated by women…. and let’s not forget that many of them feel entitled. The mere accusation of an average man doing something hurtful to a woman will often land him in hot water even before the evidence can be weighed out…..(yet they want to only spotlight high profile cases with powerful men….as if this is the norm).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for ‘equal rights’ for women, but equal rights should not infringe upon a man’s rights to exist.

Oddly enough, despite all of these negative feelings I have against women in general. The ones that I encounter in real life seem pretty decent on the surface. With a few exceptions. I’ve pretty much discovered to avoid controversial topics or debates and let them talk without giving my true opinions if they are in opposition. I do believe that most women over 28 can’t learn anything and think that they know everything.

It’s like thoughts like “i don’t know” or “i could be wrong” never cross their minds. And it does really seem that it’s really pointless to have a real conversation or offer anything to the talk outside of what they already believe. Instead of listening, they want you to agree. If they start losing logically, they create “my truth” scenarios, deflect to different subjects, shut down completely, or become extremely insulting.

Perhaps I’m mysogynistic, but if it’s mysogyny to call it how I see it, then I’m guilty as charged. But imho, many women are just terrible…. at least in a relationship context. I couldn’t imagine being married to such a selfish, emotions driven, narcissistic, materialistic, cognitive dissonant, self absorbed individual again.

It really does make a guy only want them for one thing and as I get older, IDK if they are getting worse or if I’m just getting old….but I’m starting to wonder if that’s even worth it at times.

Completely Broken

    Lately, I’ve been trying to be ‘nicer’ to stbxw for the sake of kiddo.   I mean, we do have to co-parent and all.   But things between us are just terrible.   Even though I know that the marriage is basically over.   There is no coming back at this point.  

I’ve come to the realization that we just can’t be friends.   I just don’t trust her one bit.     Her dedication to ‘secrecy’ is such that I can’t  have a simple conversation with her without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.

     We can only talk superficially.   I can’t really ask nor talk to her about her day or what’s going on in her life because I simply don’t trust her to tell me the truth about damn near anything.   I can’t question or ask for clarification because it feels like I’m interrogating her.   The vibe is just off. 

      If she says something that doesn’t ‘add up’ or either I’m just not really understanding what she means by something, I can’t ask any questions.   It’s pretty bad because I don’t have this problem with anyone else.    Our vibe is that of mistrust due to her sworn dedication to secrecy, being on bullshit, and overall obfuscation of the truth in order to protect herself.  

     It’s not a pleasant experience in and of itself.   For example, we talked last night and while we were on the phone, she was looking for a series on netflix we used to watch.   She finally found it and seemed super excited when she finally found it.    When I talked to her today and asked what she thought about it, she said, she didnt’ watch it, but ended up watching something else instead.   

      I asked ‘why’, but suddenly the vibe shifted and she seemed more defensive.   She never stated why she didn’t watch it.   Not a big deal, but of course, in my mind, it’s a really odd thing to spend half of the conversation last night talking about how she was so eager to find it, to be excited about watching it, and then later to say, she ended up watching something else.    Then when asked why she didn’t watch it, she becomes defensive…..  

    Given her history, I assume someone came over and either didn’t want to see it or did something else if u know what i mean.    Her lack of a simple answer to a pretty innocent question leads me to this conclusion.   

     The thing is…. I think that she thinks I’m stupid or something….and obviously confronting her with these facts won’t yield anyting positive.   For this reason, we can’t be friends.   It’s not about the movie.   It’s politics I guess.   Bottome line is:    I don’t like her.  I don’t want to be her friend.   And to be honest, even if she were just a female I was dealing with as a potential fwb situation, I don’t think I’d deal with her on a serious tip.    Honesty (good, bad, or ugly) is important as far as who I’d choose to give my emotional energy to.

      So that being said….I’m still too emotionally caught up and there is still too much water under the bridge.  

     I really hate how she gets to ‘live her best life’ while I’m stuck with the responsibility of kiddo.  Don’t get me wrong.   Even though, it’s a very fulfilling and demanding responsibility, I wouldn’t give it up for the world.  

      Honestly, I don’t care how she sees me though.   Her selfishness in this all turns me completely the fuck off.   I wonder if the guy(s)? she fucks with can see this seflish streak in her.    Do they see her as a someone worth committing to?   They don’t have the history that we do, yet I can’t help but wonder if they see her as naive, selfish or stupid. 

    Or maybe she isn’t as closed off to them.   Either way, I’d caution any man not to fall for her.    Smash…even tho I hate the fact they would…. but don’t give her his heart.    But every man has a choice to make.    Perhaps she is better for someone else.   For me though, hell no.    I married her, but she changed.   She wasn’t always as selfish and self centered I dont’ think.   But then again, I was so smitten at the time, I may have missed red flags.   

      We need to get divorced.   It’s disgusting to be married to a woman like this.   It’s emasculating and embarrasing.   Perhaps I need to move me and kiddo to a cheaper spot so that I don’t have to ask her for any financial assistance.  I could afford it here by myself….even with him if I could get a reliable babysitter while I worked part time as well.

      Whover purposely chooses single parenthood is a gotdamned fool tho.  This is not easy.   Yet, again, I say all that to say that my love for kiddo makes all of this struggle worth it.

      I just hate what I’ve become dealing with her.   I am burned the fuck out. Between working 10 hours a day and then trying to drive ride share on the weekend in addition to all of the household responsibilities….I don’t have much time for myself. And if I do take time, it’s like I pay for it later.

Yet, I made this mess by not properly vetting her out. So I am the one who has to dig myself out of this hole.

They say to be careful who you marry. This is so obvious. It’s not that I don’t like stbxw because she doesn’t want to be with me. It’s really more because she’s so gotdamned selfish and I’m stuck with having to deal with her. If she had remained a baby mama, then perhaps I could have structured my life in a better way. But that’s the past. I gotta deal with right now. I did what I thought was right and got smacked in the face hard for it. Shit happens I guess, but just like i tell kiddo if he gets caught while boxing….”That happened, don’t get fixated by it.”

I will win this fight.

     

Golden Handcuffs and Jaded Prisms

Lately, I’ve been having these fleeting thoughts about what if I caught covid and didn’t make it. I know the world wouldn’t change much overall. My biggest fear is leaving kiddo behind even though I know my mom and siblings would also miss me. In a way, it’s like I’m living for them. Things just seem so hopeless sometimes. Like not worth living for. I am afraid of self erasing, so I won’t do it myself.

I have no purpose. I’m barely making any money. I owe hella money in student loans and I have no idea how to pay it off. It feels like a damned weight on my neck. It seems that i always have just enough to pay the bills. No plans, not because I think they are unimportant, but I just have no Idea what I want out of life. I don’t know what I want so how am I supposed to pursue it. My personality is blah. I really can’t blame STBXW for wanting to leave. I still think it’s fucked up and hurtful that she cheated, but I don’t blame her for wanting to leave me.

Life just feels like a treadmill of running in the same place and getting nowhere fast. It’s like I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m just here.

While I am grateful in many many ways……I recognize that I live better than 98% of the population in history before me. I live better than kings and queens did before the 20th century. I live in middle class US in 2021….. clean running water, a soft bed, hot showers, 24 hour access to almost any food that I can imagine, a car to take me long distances, 24/7 internet connectivity, no wars or constant threats of violence, overt racism seems to be a thing of the past, I can afford a night or two on the town on occasion, a decent paying job, a gig job on the side where I can get paid immediately if necessary, access to healthcare and medicine, access to 10000’s of movies and more video games than i could ever play, access to damn near any book I’d want to read or have read to me in my bluetooth headphones. I can be warm in winter and cool in the summer with the press of a button. I have my health and am in the best shape of my life. My son lives with me under the same roof. Everyone that I really love has pretty good health right now. How can I really complain about anything? Relatively speaking, it seems that I am living a pretty good life.

But despite all of this, I feel like a fucking loser at times.

I do lack ambition, but again, I don’t know what I want. Nothing seems important. I’m tired of looking at redpill content because a woman is the last thing that i need to worry about. I can’t afford one even if I did trust one anyway. And what’s the point anyway, even if my fortune was to change, I’d know she was only with me for the money. And they all seem to be harping on …. find your purpose, get rich, and then you can fuck all the women you want. They try to make it seem like women aren’t important, but the purpose of finding a purpose is so you can make money, not worry about women, so that you can attract women….

I just recently learned that a woman’s love is conditional….so there is that…making it about as useful as a spoon for a pizza slice. Ironically, even less reason to give a fuck about financial ‘success’ in order to get/keep her.

Then i look at how all these other people seem to be making all this money….they own multiple investment properties, nice houses, luxury cars, can afford nice trips and international vacations, have purpose drive and ambition. Everyone seems so superficial, but it seems that this materialism and superficiality is what drives the notion of ‘black excellence’. It’s like if you aren’t trying be a boss and make boss moves, you’re useless. If you aren’t striving for MORE and ok with mediocrity, then you’re a loser. (i will say that the outcome of today’s mediocrity is definetely better than yesterday’s excellence)…. still though, I understand that I lack in this area.

Then it also seems that a lot of people happen to stumble into ‘greatness’. I don’t think that I’m any less capable nor intelligent many people who do ‘big’ things. For some reason, it seems like they were just destined to do what they were doing. They happened to be in the right place at the right time to learn that particular skill or make that investment, or take that job which required they learn this skill that helped them move up the ladder. I know people who make way more money than me that don’t appear to be any harder working or smarter than me. I also know people who make less money than me who appear to be brighter and more capable. Some people were strategic about it, but many weren’t. It really seems like a crapshoot at times.

While I don’t frown upon the success of those that I deem as ‘less capable/intelligent/hard working’ for their success. It does irk me how so many tend to look down on people who make less money. It makes people who dick ride them because of their financial success seem superficial and stupid to me. In our community, we have this notion that people with a lot money, no matter how they got it, are somehow superior in every way. Beyond reproof even. And it’s easy to fall for this delusion.

Is this what they call self loathing? Perhaps I am tempting death by imagining me not being here anymore. But I think I’m ready to go.

Being barely over broke and having a ‘less than stellar’ personality and having no purpose is not a good way to live. I’ve hit the 40 mark and still there is no good. I feel useless. Too jaded to believe in love. Too much responsibility to run away and start over. I can’t stop. It really feels like I’m running full speed on a treadmill that won’t stop. The only way off is to fall and bust my ass.

I say that one of the fastest routes to hell is to start comparing yourself to others. Perhaps I need to start taking my own advice.

Stuck In Limbo

I’m banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t know why I try to explain myself to STBXW anymore. Perhaps I’m wrong. We were discussing the future and as usual, she, on one hand says that she’s indecisive about fixing the relationship….(as if I haven’t made it clear that we cannot fix it). And on the other, she says that she doesn’t want to hurt kiddo.

I asked if she thought we could fix things this time instead of telling her that I don’t think it can be fixed. She says that she thinks we could if she wanted to. But she doesn’t want to nor feel motivated. She says that she doesn’t feel motivated about life… to do or be better in the marriage. And that this limbo state we’ve been experiencing makes her feel discouraged.

For the umpteenth time, I reminded her that her cheating, selfishness, and secrecy may have something to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and fix things. She seems to think that it’s ok to leave a marriage and family just because she’s not happy. She doesn’t seem to believe that she’s obligated to our family to at least try to work on it. She went further to actually say that if family is THAT important, then cheating shouldn’t be such a big deal.

I want to pull my ears off and shake them to make sure they’re working correctly. Man, how in the fuck did I think that marrying this chick was a good idea. I think that red pill reasoning resonates with me so much is because she is like the prototypical/stereotypical woman out here. She is one of them. Not all women are like that, or at least I hope not…..of course from here on out, I’m going to be aware of red flags. But still.

I think the reason I speak to her about things like this is because I am truly trying to gain an understanding of where she’s coming from. I don’t respect her reasoning. It’s selfish and it’s the reason why marriages fail at such a high rate. It’s one reason why there are so many single family households today. it’s the reason why men really should not marry a woman. I wish that there could be an objective third party listening in on these conversations.

I’m so perplexed at her apparent hypocrisy and lack of self awareness of it. On one hand, she’s all about family values….BUT it appears that that values are only important when she’s happy. She appeals to the fact that tons of people get divorced and have split households. Then she has the unmitigated audacity to say that I’m trying to make her feel guilty about her position. Like umm…ma’am…..you should. You broke your household for selfish reasons without trying to fix it. You betrayed your husband without letting him know you were having issues. You continued to lie and cheat throughout the relationship instead of communicating your needs.

What is the point of marriage if you can just leave it without working on it because you’re not ‘feeling it’. Then add insult to injury, choose to ignore it by having affair after affair. As if not paying attention to the relationship will somehow fix it. As if investing in a new relationship outside of your husband will somehow magically cause you to feel motivated to invest energy into your marriage. And on top of all of the lies, betrayals and exposed secrets, that somehow, I’m supposed to try to woo her or charm her back into a relationship. Those dudes who tell her that “I’m slipping” when it comes to her weren’t cheated nor betrayed by her. And even if they know the situation, they’d be a damned fool to try and win a woman back after all of that. I don’t know if she believes them when they tell her things like that, but knowing her….who knows?

I’ve been done with her. As I told her, I believe that you should do everything you can do to fix your marriage before leaving it. Obviously in cases of repeated infidelity or abuse, you should leave it asap. Otherwise, you are obligated, not just to your family, but your spouse to give an honest go at trying to fix it before doing something so drastic as to break it apart.

And this is where we fundamentally disagree. She doesn’t believe that this is nor should be the case. It’s like her ‘feelings’ override her principles and that makes her unreliable, fickle, and ultimately selfish. But perhaps it is aligned with her personal principle of self over everything else….or at least over marriage/family.

That said, I realize that it’s counterproductive to have this conversation with her. When I explain my principles to her on the matter, it would seem that I’m trying to convince her to stay. Honestly though, I’d rather her come to her own conclusions on the matter.

To me, it seems that her conclusions are toxic overall to the growth and development of a successful marriage. This isn’t unsurprising because we’re here because of her toxic/ selfish view on marriage/ vows/ and family values. It’s hard not to take it personally because as I told her, it seems that our family wasn’t even worth her trying to work on things.

It’s ironic that she thinks that she isn’t progressing in life as quickly as she can because of me. She won’t say this outright, but pretty much says that she doesn’t feel motivated to “do better” in this relationship. Her mentality is self defeating. She again asked why stay in a relationship when you know that you cannot be happy. When asked how she knew that it would always be that way, she went back and said…”well, it’s been four years and I still feel the same.” …. see where I’m going with this?

I hate talking to her alone and I don’t know why I do. Seriously, am I missing something. I mean, when asked if she sees my point whether she agrees or not, she says that she does….even going so far as to mirror it back to me. When I explain how her point of view is troublesome for a marriage or relationships in general, she simply defaults back to HER happiness as the cause and effect of her actions.

She did, however acknowledge that she is selfish and doesn’t communicate well. But somehow, she won’t go far enough to say that it’s mostly her fault that we’re here. I literally asked….”so how did we get here”…. and she said… “i don’t know, that’s a good question”….

So fuck it man. I don’t know if I’m missing it, or if she’s being intentionally obtuse, or perhaps, she’s just dumb. She isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. I’m not either, but it really does seem that she is very emotionally immature. The things she says in these conversations still blow my mind sometimes (and not in a good way) At her age of 40+, i don’t know if she’s capable of the self reflection necessary for a marriage. Not for me anyway. I rarely think people are stupid….but I can’t lie, I’m starting to look at her like people who said that Donald Trump was a good man/Christian. Like you may like him as a president or possibly a person….but to say he’s an example of a good man/christian….that’s a little too gotdamned far.

It’s my fault and I should have vetted her out better before I married her. There were many red flags that I can see now in hindsight. I thought those differences were superficial and unimportant, but now I see that they really should have been deal breakers when considering who to marry and have a child with.

From superficial conversations, to the selfishness she exhibited many times when it came to what I wanted. From her unwillingness to go out of her way to do things inconvenient for me to the way she never had any original ideas. She was physically my type, cute, and quirky. But we didn’t share many common interests…. she didn’t have any hobbies, outside of work and school….but i didn’t think this would be an issue. Until I realized that I alone have to keep her entertained. I should have seen that everytime something serious came up, she tried to make jokes out of it instead of addressing it. I should have taken her lack of empathy for certain people as a red flag. Nonetheless at the time, it didn’t seem too alarming.

I swear she wasn’t that bad when I met her, but something changed in her. I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s not the woman I married. It’s like something is off with her and I can’t quite explain it. People can change and somewhere something snapped in her. She’s not who she was or who I thought she was. In my mind, I’ve been more than fair to her. I just cannot see how she’s just ok with doing what she’s doing or being like that.

So I need to divorce and pretty much carry the whole thing on my shoulders or she’ll keep us in this limbo until someone else takes up the mantle and do it for us. I’m not going to get the cooperation I need to proceed.

She has agreed to go the uncontested route which will save us a ton in divorce fees. But unfortunately, we can’t get that process started until she figures out where she wants to establish residence. She’s a traveling nurse and is currently debating renewing her contract up there or moving back here.

I hate it here

Unringing a Bell

Spoke with stbxw this morning and she apologized for the affair even though she maintains she did it because she was ‘unhappy’. She did say that there were no excuses however that no excuses was followed by a … but….

Either way, she says that she still feels the same way. She doesn’t want to be married even though she claims she isn’t seeing anyone. That’s fair. I don’t really care. I can’t take her back anyway. We are both in a state of where we don’t feel motivated to work on the marriage.

She says that I need to change. ‘Read’ get a better paying job or try to make more money. ‘Ambition’ is what she calls it. I’m assuming that this is the reason she doesn’t want to work on the marraige. She ended up saying that if I wanted to work on things “You’d think you’d be more motivated to make those changes, if not for me, but for yourself.” In a way, maybe it is a good thing that I’m not super rich or financially wealthy right now. She’d only be with me for the money and I’d never know it unless I befell hard times.

I had to remind her that I do work full time (10 hour days no less), drive ride share part time, and am working on a small business while taking care of kiddo (basically by myself) and having to deal with all this b.s. from an emotional pov. Either way, her assumptions are completely off bases.

IF i were to suddenly be “ambitious” (got a windfall of money or had a change in financial fortune), what makes her think that I’d be interested in fixing anything with her? I gave the analogy like…..what if she got fat and I never asked her to lose weight even though it was a problem for me. Then instead of telling her how I felt, I cheated, made fun of her with the new chick, and treated her like shit. Then say she lost the weight and started looking good and suddenly, I wanted to reconcile. Would she take me back after all of that.

Her response: “If i loved you enough, I would.”

So that said, it’s obvious we’re two different people. For me, it’s a matter of self respect. If you’re not with me when I’m not at my best (didn’t say at my worst), then you certainly don’t deserve me when I am. Maybe trust and loyalty doesn’t really mean that much to her. It’s almost everything to me.

She says she isn’t motivated to work on the marriage…. Well,I damn sure am not trying to rebuild a damned thing with her unless she put in a LOT of effort and even then that would just be a starting point for me to even consider it.

It’s pretty much over and I’m over it. Loyalty is important to me, transactional love (fuck what they tell you) isn’t what I want out of a marriage. I’m too loyal and love from a genuine place than to give that to someone who bases their loyalty and friendship on such superficial conditions. IF she did prove loyal, then I’d move heaven and earth to make things work for us. But I’m not sacrificing my happiness for someone who isn’t ride or die for me. I’d never allow myself to sacrifice so much for a person like that to benefit.

She can like, wish for, desire, or want whatever she wants out of life. I’m not mad at her for that. My thing is that she actively chooses to abandon/destroy our family in pursuit of those things. As if she was powerless to at least try. As if our family wasn’t worth a little bit of effort.

And she can dress this up as much as she likes and deny all she wants, but IRL, new dick and attention is at the center of all of this. She’ll never admit it, but the reason I say this is because she could given it 6 months of us just trying to see if things would work. She could have stopped dealing with dudes, sat down with me, and talked about how we could at least try to fix things. Her pursuit of traveling, a new job, getting a home, or whatever, could have all been done without any intimacy from any guys.

IMHO, she is pretty much saying that as of now….I’m not good enough for her to even consider keeping our family together. I use family a lot because it means a lot to me. But as much as it means to me, I’m not willing to give up my dignity nor self respect for it. I will say that she is becoming a bit more honest in her communication, so that’s a good thing. She is also a bit more self reflective it seems. But she’s still selfish as all get out imho. She’s an opportunist.

She actually had the nerve to insinuate that “we don’t have sex, we don’t talk, we don’t see eye to eye and it’s been that way for the last 4 years or so….” as if this all happened in a vaccuum. As if her actions haven’t greatly played a role in how our relationship (as in the way we relate to each other) in this. AS if her constant cheating, emotional or physical, lack of remorse, and dedication to secrecy after a huge affair and subsequent cheating has nothing to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and reconcile / fix things between us.

Who the fuck does she think she is anyway? Cleopatra, Queen Alexandria, Zoe Saldana? Then she wants to blame me for lack of sex, when the last 10 times I tried (since before I stopped trying) she turned me down. UGH.

Have sex with her? I couldn’t even look at her when she was here. I’ve just started being able to make eye contact with her again. Maybe she doesn’t realize how disgusting it is to imagine (for me anyway) having sex with her after she’s been doing god know what to god knows who. PLus I know she did it while we were married.

Even if I decided to give in on her next visit. To say that condoms are a must is an understatement. Besides, it really isn’t all that great anymore anyway. The last time i did, it felt like … not good…. at all. There was 0 connection. I’ve felt more intimacy from a prostitute (hey I was young). Not saying she was always bad and she’s probably better with others, but for me, it’s just not good and not worth it.

I know I’m not perfect, but gotdamned. This chick is bozo. Is her head dead? Can she find her mind? Is her brain drained?

So this phone conversation was much needed. Lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me. I’ve been taking being cordial with a small chance we could work on things. Dunno why tho. I guess I”m like that addict who quit smoking crack, but started back walking around the trap house and remembering the old days. I need to stop talking to her and get back to focusing on my future. Without her.

Unfaithful

     I am convinced that most women are not faithful and that falling in love with one is a trap that has sent many men into mental and psychological prison.

      Ive heard and uncovered way too many stories online about the phenomenon of cheating women.   It’s at the point where it’s unsurprising when i hear of stories about women cheating.

      The thing is that is seems that most are either ignorant or uncaring of how deeply this injures a man/husband.  

       It’s so tempting to fall and they can make is so easy….but these days, as men, we must protect our hearts at all costs.    

While being emotionally unavailable seems to be effective in maintaining attraction to a woman…despite their protests…..it is essential if a guy wants to maintain his sanity.

      I’m generally happy for the married men that i know with good(or so it seems) marriages.     They absolutely love and adore their wives.  Yet in a way,  i pity them.   I know that the pain they could potentially get from these relationships should their wives decide to “go rogue” is almost unbearable.

         It’s a precarious position to be in when someone has that much power over you.  we often dont even realize it until it’s too late.   I never thought in a million years that the pain i experienced from my stbxw’s affairs would be that bad.

         Although it’s been four years and I’ve been able to get through it for the most part….i fear that it has affected my ability to love anyone else from such a pure state.   I think I have been damaged in a way that prevents me from wanting to experience that level of deep intimacy with anyone.  

     I fear falling in love like that again.   Im unsure if i can trust anyone like that.    It doesn’t matter what a woman tells me, or how well things go….it’s like a part of me just cannot let go of the idea that she could do what stbxw did to me.

       As an imperfect being,  i know that it would in part be my fault.    So there is a sort of bitterness and jadedness that i feel whenever it would seem that I might be falling for someone. Maybe it’s just me, but if I love someone, I love them….part of love is accepting their flaws while working together. You just dont abandon or hurt them. If you must leave, then it should be handled with as much grace and respect as possible. Commitment requires that you look after their heart if u convinced them to give it to you. Part of that commitment may require a bit of self sacrifice. In essence loyalty. And loyalty isn’t always easy. It’s easy to love someone especially during the honeymoonphase of a relationship…but loyalty is when you choose to love someone in the face of temptation or during hard times.

         I wish I had the personality of a player so that i could easily have/get women. I’d love the ability to make them laugh themselves into the honeymoon phase with me.    Not that im a womanizer, i truly want monogamy…..but only to protect myself from falling so deep.

     It’s been said that the reason why previously permiscuos women aren’t good choices for long term significant others is that they lose their ability to “pair bond” long term.

        Ironically, i find myself in that position right now.   I am double minded in that I truly want to find my “one”, but yet, i fear it so much.    As the scriptures accurately explains it….”a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways.”  

    I don’t hate the stbxw as a person.   She did what she felt like she needed to do….but i do hate this effect on me.   I know that im responsible for my life, but yet i don’t know how to get myself out of this current mindset

       It seems so unfair that she gets to mess me up so bad mentally,  destroy our family unit, and walk away either ignorant or apathetic to the pain and trauma she caused.   

We don’t have to get back together. I see no way back nor do i believe she can truly understand the damage she did…..but i wish that she could somehow someday truly understand it.

I fear that life doesn’t work like that though.

This is why i think that the best action is prevention. You can’t be out here loving these women like that. Im not suggesting to be evil, do them dirty, or take it out on them. But i do believe that the risk of falling that hard for someone is not in a man’s best self interests. It’s just too risky.

Perhaps i just don’t have the personality to have love like that. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me in this lifetime. Im still fairly young, so there is still plenty of fun to be had.

But i dont know if i could every truly forgive stbxw for stealing that innocence away from me.