“Separated Husbands”

I used to think that all cheaters were lowlife pieces of dirt.   While I still think that many are, I now realize that sometimes, things aren’t always as they appear.

As a “separated” husband, I’ve been there. I can’t speak as to why other guys do this, but I know of a few who “single/separated” men who go out there because their wives no longer show them love at home. I also know some that are dogs with loving wives at home.  There is a difference.  I suppose that once a cheater always a cheater doesn’t necessarily apply here.  I don’t think I could cheat on a loving wife, but who knows at this point.

Many men have legit reasons for not divorcing, usually kids or finances. In my case, I still love my wife, but she isn’t in love with me nor cares to talk about it. I don’t want to hurt our kid, so we are cordial in front of him, but she sees me as more of a room mate than a husband now.

This goes deeper than just sex, but intimacy. Many wives fall out of love with their husbands over time and become cold. It’s hard thing to be constantly rejected for sex, and made to feel unwanted, or undesired all while knowing you are trying to do what you vowed to do. It makes us feel inadequate or unworthy.  How did the once loving and giving woman I married become so …. bitchy.    Like know she’s being a bitch but doesn’t care what I think.  Like, not caring how her words or actions make me feel.  I don’t care what you say, a person checking out of a marriage and leaving their spouse in limbo is a recipe for emotional abuse.

Imagine how it feels when the person you vowed to love with all of you cringes whenever you try and kiss them.  Imagine witnessing them pulling away almost instinctively every time you tried to grab them by their waist.  Having to play it off or make a joke so you don’t seem hurt even though it kills you on the inside.   Imagine going for months without sex and always being rejected night after night, no matter how you try to make the day special for her.     Imagine being unable to articulate your feelings of insecurity because well…..she calls you insecure.   Imagine trying to talk about the relationship only to get stonewalled….or worse yet, ignorned for instagram….or worse yet, the silent treatment if you call her out on it.    Writing a letter telling her exactly you feel and inviting her to do the same … only to ask if she read it to hear “uhh not yet”.     6 months later, She never read that damn letter.    Imagine being strung along with lines like she’s on the fence and not sure what she wants all while hoping for your family to work.   For over a year after her affair.

But you love your kid and you just can’t imagine breaking his heart like that.  I’d do almost anything to keep him from feeling that.   Sure I’ll get over it, but what about him.   He loves us both and even prays that “Daddy will move back in soon.”

I still feel guilty for cheating sometimes, but life seems a bit easier since I’m not pressuring my wife for sex or intimacy anymore.  Ironically, in a way, I guess she likes it too even though she hasn’t  really seemed to notice.  It kind of hurts that she doesn’t even notice though.

My “friend” makes me feel good though. She’s glad to hear from me and share her day. She made me remember that I don’t suck at sex. She likes hearing about my day and isn’t intentionally bitchy.  She notices and appreciates the hard work I put in the gym.   She encourages me and in a way, it feels like she appreciates the fact that I do take interest in her day.

While i know that I can’t get too attached.  It’s just a fling.  I wish there was a way to let her know how much I appreciate her understanding my situation without sounding like a cornball.   My wife used to do those things.  Eventually, things probably would change with her too.   I’m not expecting much long run from her.  But for now, I’ll just enjoy the moment.  We could end things tomorrow.   I’d hate it, but I’d be ok with it.

Do a google search of “i love, but i’m not in love with my husband” and read the comments in some of these articles. It’s really sad, but eye opening.

I’ve always heard women call men dogs and claim that all of us cheat.   I’m starting to wonder how many of them actually stopping loving their husbands and pushed them out there.   I’d like to think that if she treated me like she cared, I wouldn’t have become like my father.

I also learned you can’t always judge why people do the things they do in marriage.  If my wife ever finds out, I’d like to hope that she realizes that she did push me out there.   Maybe she’d be upset about this secret ‘friend’ if she ever found out.   Oddly, I can’t really say for sure if she’d even really be mad.  How could she?  But she can’t say that I didn’t try.




Finally Pulling Away



I don’t know why I’m judging it so hard.   I guess it’s part of the process.

She seems so shallow and superficial to me now.   It’s really hard to see her in a positive light these days.  I mean it’s been a while since i have, but before it was out of hurt and anger.   This is starting to feel like contempt.    I don’t trust her very much.

It seems that we can’t really talk about much of anything unless it’s related to the kid.   She doesn’t do much around the house.   Little to no sex.    We don’t have much in common.   She keeps secrets and pretty much doesn’t tell me much about anything going on in her life.   I catch her in lies, white lies lately, but after all that’s happened they seem significant.

I know that it’s a negative cycle as she probably senses that I don’t really like her all that much anymore.   It’s just so hard when it seems that she embodies everything I don’t like in women.

The Reality TV watching,  ‘Doing it for the Gram’, ‘Living my best life’, ‘Beard Game Matters’, I love “traveling”(aka vacationing), and snapchat selfies are all things about certain women that I’ve come to loathe.   It’s a real turn off when a woman is always on her phone.  I don’t like Niki Minaj as a person.  I don’t really care for all the b.s. pop hip hop that’s shoved down our throats on the radio.

It’s like all of the media programming has infected her and turned her into this fake wanna be housewives of love and hip hop honey.   Worrying more about how she looks in the gym than actually working out.   I don’t have a problem with occasionally indulging in this, but when it becomes an all day every day thing, it really bothers me for some reason.

It all seems so superficial and fake.   Perhaps in another context it’s just girls being girls and having fun.   TBH, I don’t know too many women in their 30’s into this at this point in their lives.  It’s a red flag and I think I’d avoid women into that.  I wouldn’t like them and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like me either.   But I’m wondering in her case, is it a phase, a mid life crisis, or maybe she’s still trying to find herself.

This isn’t who I married.   Or perhaps it was and she was trying to suppress it in order to keep me happy.  Now that the ‘thrill is gone’ in marriage, she can try out all of those things.  I never thought it was a part of her.    It might explain how things went off the rails as bad as they did.

I suppose she’s right and we are on different pages now.   I mean I don’t know how, if we can, or even if I want to see if we can fix things.   I hate it for our kid though.  Even if I never find anyone else, I don’t know if I can keep doing it with her.  She’s not my type anymore.     I’m pretty sure she has a list of complaints about me as well.

It’s so weird how you can love someone with your whole heart one day, expect changes and be willing to deal with them, and want to spend the rest of your life with them….only to in a few years really dislike them as a person.

I can’t change her, nor would I want to.   She’d regret it and probably end up despising me for it in the end.   I’m just not one of the ‘cool’ kids.   I never was, nor did I think she was or desired to be.   That’s one of the reasons I fell for her.  It felt like ‘us’ against the world.   We were rebels against ‘system’.  We were the punk rockers against the mainstream.   We could both easily fit into the mainstream, but chose to rebel against the fakeness and bullshit of it all.   I thought we both saw past the facade.

But now it’s like she wants to be like a generic 20 year old women so bad.    I wouldn’t judge her so hard if I wasn’t so close.  Knowing me,  I’d try to screw her if she showed enough interest, but I probably not wife her.   We’re just so different now.

At this point, we’ve both done our dirt.   Neither of us seem to really care about fixing things and both are in it for the kid.   We both love him and I know that for sure.  She’s a pretty woman, I’m sure someone will want to wife her if she wants that.   Perhaps he can bring the best out of her in a way that I can’t seem to anymore.

I’ve read that marriages go through phases like this.   But tbh, I’m tired of trying and giving my best.  Rejection hurts, I am human after all.    She put me in a position where I cannot chase her even if I wanted to.    I would have to be so fake while swallowing my pride.    I don’t even know what she’s attracted to anymore.   I thought she liked my ‘intelligence’, my looks, my heart, and my uniqueness.   But apparently, not anymore.

Perhaps she’d like me if I rocked a NY fitted, copped some Jordans, grew a beard, and started talking about how much money matters over everything.   Maybe if I threw on some skinny jeans, a tight tee, and financed a BMW she’d fall back in love.

I’m not as confident with her anymore.   Obviously I want to put the blame on her for this.  For the life of me, I still cannot see what I did so wrong as to make her 180 like that.   I’ve asked, I guess too late though because once she checked out, she was gone.   I haven’t seen her since, but I have seen glimpses here and there.

The only explanation have come from red pill literature.   While I’m still not 100 percent sure that it applies to ALL women just yet, i’m pretty sure it explains her.   I was just too nice to her.   I was too accomodating.  I loved her too much.    I didn’t demand enough of her.    I was just too nice.   Now it’s probably too late.  But I’m ok with that.  I don’t really like who she’s become anyway.

I feel bad for our son though.   It hurts me so much to think that we are taking him though this.   But dammit man, if i can’t trust her, then how in the hell am I supposed to live.   I don’t want him growing up thinking it’s ok for a woman to treat him with anything less than respect.   I don’t want him loving a person with his heart who could care less about his feelings.

I mean it’s one thing to love a person through their flaws and try, but another when that person is a liar, emotionally abusive, aloof, and cares more about their image than you.     They say that both parties share blame in the breakdown of a marriage.  While that might be true, it does take both wanting and trying to fix it in order for it to work.

At what point to I realize that the horse is dead and when do I get tired of trying to beat it.   I think my arms are getting tired.






Not always Black and White

I’ve always thought that there was never a good excuse to cheat on your spouse….ever.  If things were so bad, it would be better to be honest and either fix it or  divorce.   The dishonesty, hurt, and subsequent fallout would be so bad that it just wasn’t worth it.

I also never really had the desire to cheat.   As with many marriages, the amount of sex I had with my wife dropped yearly until it nearly disappeared.  We went from several times a week, down to a few times a month, down to maybe once a month, and now probably quarterly.   Before her affair, I was willing to deal with the decline in sex as I thought it might have been a phase and it seemed really selfish to break up my family over the lack of sex.

Kids add a whole different dynamic into the mix.   I can’t stand to see my kid hurt over us splitting.   I was willing to stay with and live through the humiliation, pain, and heartbreak of an affair.    The type of affair where it’s” I really don’t care that you know, and it’s your fault because you keep digging type.”  The type where they are constantly texting in front of you and the kids.    The type where the other gets an ego boost out of fucking and controlling another man’s wife.

But equally is the fact that now that the affair is over, the sex still hasn’t come back.   When we do have sex, it’s not nearly as good as it used to be.   A weird selfish, and kind of humiliating if I’m honest.  I get to watch her masturbate and can only kiss her where she tells me to.   If I’m lucky, I can finish in her.   Not my proudest moments in life, but horniness, lack of intimacy, and emotional abuse can make you do some weird things.

She claims to not care if I cheat as long as she doesn’t find out about it.   So I did and as in most ‘honeymoon’ phase of relationships, it’s amazing.

This has led me to some interesting conclusions:

Because I’m pretty sure we’re not going anywhere, things seem a lot easier.   There really is a difference having sex with someone who desires you back sexually.   I’m pretty freaking good.   I had lost my confidence for a minute there, but it’s pretty awesome to know that I can give multiple orgasms.

I don’t know, but my wife doesn’t seem to be with anyone right now.   She still doesn’t want sex and hasn’t seemed to notice that I don’t really come on to her like that anymore.   I am starting to notice a lot of things about her personality that downright annoy me.   I do realize that this could be because of easy going fun nature of the other relationship.   I also know that according to redpill literature and experience, this will most likely change over time.    Women are much funner and easier in the beginning, but over time, they usually get harder to deal with.   Fortunately, I’m versed on how these things work or else I could have found myself easily getting caught up in my feelings with AP.

The things that annoy me is her sudden desire to be on social media all the time, wear makeup,  and be like ‘normal’ women.   It’s as if she’s suddenly wants to be like a reality tv show / social media model.   The desire to wear makeup, plastic surgery, and go on expensive ‘vacations’ and all.    She never expressed those desires before and tbh it’s something that attracted me to her in the first place.    As her husband, I have to accept those changes, but if she takes one more selfie instead of actually working out in the gym, I might toss a weight at her.

I don’t know if it’s because she hasn’t pulled anyone yet, but she seems to be nicer to me.    I appreciate it, even if there is no sex.   She hasn’t explicitly said that she wants to try and work on things.    I mean the next attractive guy that gets her attention could probably get her to cheat.   She doesn’t seem to get it.   But she is way meaner to me when she’s attracted/emotionally invested in someone else.    I mean disrespectful and negligent as hell as if she wants to hurt me.

I hate to hurt my family, but I know I should really be looking for better.   I really don’t want to hurt my son and on a certain level I have learned to accept her.   I don’t want to break up my family.   But shit’s all fucked right now.    Why can’t some women just not be bitches?   How can you be a bitch, know you’re being a bitch, and then just want to keep being it….even if doing so is destroying everything?  Being a bitch is NOT cute nor cool.   It’s like being a bully for real.    Strangely enough, I can talk shit about her in an anonymous blog post, but in real life, people would never guess that she acts so damn evil to me.   Not all the time of course and we often do get along pretty well.

I know that I am wrong for doing what I do.   I supposed no one is holding a gun to my head.   But some betrayed people need to realize that you can’t just treat your s/o any way and expect them to stay faithful.   They may only be with you because of the kids.

I mean how stupid would I be if I treated her like crap, had an affair, betrayed her, came back, didn’t give her sex,  didn’t communicate my needs, shut down on her whenever she tried to talk about it, continuously lie about the nature of my ‘friendships’, put my female ‘best freind’ over her feelings, and then tell her that I don’t care if she cheated as long as I didn’t find out.

I couldn’t possibly in my right mind expect her not to cheat.  Especially if I know she put up will all of my shit for the sake of the kids.       Or am I tripping?   Am I just saying this to justify my behavior?   Possibly, but I do suspect that there are many instances where one spouse does push the other to go out there.    And that’s where I learned that when it comes to affairs, things aren’t always as black and white as they seem.

I do know that this can’t go on forever.   But maybe she really doesn’t care and I guess that things will just be whatever for now.   I really gotta get over this need to not hurt the kid.    It’s not even like I’m really that attracted to her like that anymore.   There are so many single women that are prettier (she is pretty though), nicer bodies,  more compatible, smarter, you name it.    This is how I KNOW it’s really about the kid.

I would have gladly died to protect and defend my family, but the question now is if enduring the abuse, getting my hands dirty, and being humiliated worth it?   I know that people will read this and probably flame me for it.

I’m ok with that.   I do think that there is a distinction between the types of cheaters.   I do believe that you can actually push someone out there.  As human beings, we have needs, not just physical.   Even though those are important too.   I still don’t condone cheating on someone who treats you well or at least attempts to.   I think you have to be careful in determining if you’re looking for excuses or if you’re actually justified.

In a way, I feel better and it would be easier to forgive now.   But now I am feeling a little guilty because she is actually treating me nicer now.   Being true to her word, she hasn’t asked anything or even gave off any clue that she suspects anything.    Still though, I’d be pissed if she started dealing with someone else I think.

As for AP, she’s awesome.  She listens to me and is interested in what I have to say.   She’s submissive without being a pushover and she is into me.   She does know about the wife and she believes me.   She even takes her side sometimes, but I haven’t given her the grimiest details of the whole ordeal.   They’d probably be pretty good friends irl.  She claims that she’s rooting for us.    I know what she means even though I don’t believe her literally.     I’m pretty sure she won’t have a problem finding someone.  I just hope that he treats her well and if she’s all that she’s advertising, knows that she’s a pretty good catch.    It would probably be hard to let her go, but I’d rather her take a chance on possibly finding the right someone than being stuck with me in my situation until I can figure it out.

Of course these are my rose colored, honeymoon glasses talking.   If I were in a space where I wanted a real relationship, I’d be all in.   But as it is,  I just have to remember to enjoy the moment and learn not to hold on to it with her.   My wife and I started out similarly, so while I do miss and appreciate these things, I do realize that they never seem to last forever and you really never know who emerges on the other side of new romance.   We’re just friends and she’ll never really know how much she helped me through this.   Sex, intimacy, friendship, the ability to be real and having each other’s best interests at heart is a great thing.  I really missed that.   But we both know it’s too early to determine if this is anything more than a fling.   Plus I like it like that.  No pressure.
















No reciprocity

In my experience, women want a man who worships the ground they walk on.  They feel that they deserve a man who sees noone but them.   They want the ride or die guy who will always have their backs.    The guy who isn’t a pushover, but will be there for them always.  Good times and bad.

The problem is that they are unwilling to reciprocate.   They want that unwavering, undying, unrelenting love, but they don’t want to feel ‘obligated’ to return the favor.   They want to opportunity to move and and find better opportunities should they present themselves.

In ancient Japan, the samurai were a class of warrior who dedicated their lives to a Shogun.   It was honorable for them to fight and even die for their master even though they were seen as disposable tools for a greater cause.  That cause often being the wishes, ambitions, or desires of the Shogun.

At one time, during my blue pill days, I was like the samurai and my wife (woman) was like the shogun.   It wasn’t until i realized that she wouldn’t do the same for me that I realized that I’m wasting my time here.

The whole idea that men should pursue women is dumb and blue pill men need to wake up to the fact that if she isn’t pursuing you, or if it isn’t reciprocal, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

In fact, while they want this, if you give it to them, then they have it and it’s no longer something they want.   They want the chase.  Again, falling in love means that you lose the edge and power.   It’s not that they want love, they want the power of having someone to fall in love with them.

Once they have this power, I believe that they subconsciously begin to lose respect and attraction to you.    This is why they are drawn to narcisstic personality types as those types never really fall in love.  You have to be emotionally cold and borderline mentally abusive (cruel) in order for them be attracted/drawn to you.   They want you to lie, make false promises, use them for sex, objectify, and be able to discard them easily while pretending to give a shit.  In other words, your ‘worship’ can’t be sincere, just strong enough to pull her in.  The pursuit isn’t because you love her, but it’s because want to conquer her so to speak.   In the end, it’s just a game, so any attempts, failed or successful are just a means to an end.   The end being having domination, not reciprocal love.

There is no such thing.

I’ve noticed that women generally always say that they ‘loved’ men who did this to them in the past.   It’s like a badge of honor or rite of passage for them.    Many will tell you that they will ALWAYS love these men, even though they know that they can’t be with them.

Good men….what I mean is Good “hearted” men don’t really stand a chance out here.   No matter what women tell you.   They believe they want a good hearted man, but in reality, they are repelled by these men.    It’s as if they want to be ‘abused’ or ‘used’ in order to make them feel validated somehow.    It’s a really fucked up mindset, even moreso because most don’t even realize this is what they respond to.

For this reason, you can’t really listen to what she says.   You have to look at what she responds to.   No matter how logical or reasonable she sounds, it appears that she can’t escape her nature.   She won’t admit to it because she’s completely ignorant of it.

While most of this theory (for me anyway) comes from circumstantial evidence, anecdotal stories, and other men’s testimonies, I need to determine for myself once and for all through personal experience.

The question though is How in the hell do you become a ‘bad boy’ without jeopardizing your personal success.    How can I treat her ‘bad’ if it’s always been my nature to want to treat them well.

It’s hard for me to use people.   I mean balance and reciprocity is one of my fundamental beliefs.   How can I learn to overcome that aspect of my nature and just use them for my own personal convenience.    How can I learn to truly objectify them without feeling shitty about it?    Even if it does work and they do respond well, I’d never be able to have the love with someone I’d want.  But i suppose that the lesson here is there is something wrong with the way that I ‘love’ women.

Maybe because it is what they truly want, I’m not really incurring much karmic debt.   The truth being that this is actually how to “love” a woman.    I’m incapable of enjoying ‘loving’ them if that’s the case.

As twisted as it sounds, it’s as if I have to be the  fun, sweet, but heartless asshole in order give them that experience of love and attraction in exchange for great sex. It’s a fair trade.    I guess that’s how ‘reciprocity’ works in the game of love.

From now on, it’s no longer about love, it’s about attraction and self respect.   Love is just for self, (non sexual) real friends, and family.





The other side of the pillow


I had conversation with a female friend and she was explaining how hard it is for a woman to find a good man.   She told me how she, her friends, and the women at the beauty shop felt that men wanted only the ‘crazy’ women and the ‘bad bitches.’   That being nice or good to a man usually granted them a one way ticket to heartbreak.   How she’s at the point that she thinks that she should stop being so accommodating to the men in her life.  It was as if she felt that she had to impress him in order to get or keep him interested.

The cognitive dissonance with these women are something else.   While I won’t discount cognitive dissonance as a minor thing (perception being ‘reality’ and all), it’s really amazing how they can’t use their minds to see how easy they have it.

After listening to her ‘complaints’ about men, I had to inquire about what kind of men she found attractive in the first place and how it was that so many men out here (such as myself) have had the issue of not being able to keep a woman happy for long.

There seems to be an underground gender war where either one or both sides are misinformed, in denial about reality, or really just being dishonest.   I told her that most men, at least the ‘good’ ones I’ve met don’t like ‘bad bitches’.   In fact, we like women who are down to earth.   We might be attracted to certain physical characteristics, but that’s not enough to keep us interested long term.   That attraction and respect are two different things for us.   That just because a man might desire sex with you doesn’t mean that he wants to be with you.  But of course she knew that already.

I reminded her that women were the gatekeepers to sex.   Most men aren’t going to turn down NSA sex with a woman.   I ran the scenario that if we both went out to a bar that night and made a bet on who’d get laid first, who would win?   She said she thought I would.

There is something really wrong with this scenario if she actually thinks that.   Either I’ve really underestimated how easy it is to lay women or she’s really underestimating  how thirsty most men are.    Given the fact that she already says that men will screw almost anything, it leads me to believe that she’s just in denial.

I had to remind her how we as men have to do ALL of the heavy lifting.   We have to approach, entertain, be interesting, maintain the conversation, make her laugh, make her feel comfortable, (buy drinks, if you’re into that kind of thing), make plans, ask for her number, put ourselves out there and risk rejection.    We have to pretty much lead the interaction, deal with subconscious shit tests from her and many times, her friends.  We put in work.

All she had to do was not be a bitch, show a little encouragement, and sometimes laugh at a joke or two.   Just basically show interest and not make us feel like a damn fool.    I wanted to seriously ask if it was really that hard for women to not be a bitch.  I mean all she has to do is be…ya know, normal.    She didn’t have to tell jokes, entertain, nor lead the interaction.   Just be normal.  She was the judge, jury, and executor.    We were and are at her mercy.    It’s only the guys who get used to rejection who don’t really feel that pressure.    But for the most part, most men don’t really have that much experience and game and many will not approach.

If at any moment in the interaction, she felt uncomfortable, felt like abusing her power, or simply loses interest, we faced the possibility of taking the blow to our ego.  Especially if we liked her.   Sometimes it’s even worse to receive those initial attraction signals, only to have her lose it once we start talking to her.    Rejection sucks and for the most part, she is holding all the cards.

The ones who can approach and make it seem like a movie or something as opposed to kind of awkward are often very successful with a lot of women.   Hence, players.    Some are just charming like that, but most often it comes from years of gaming.

I then asked her about the type of men she liked and she seemed to kind of struggle with the answer.    She said she liked ‘nice’ men with laid back personalities similar to hers.   But later, she admitted that she liked ‘good looking’ guys which to me is about as subjective as it gets.  I did feel like We did get somewhere when she said that she should probably think a little more about the answer to that question though.

Are most women really that oblivious?   I mean she’s a fairly attractive woman.   She has a great shape and decent face.  It wouldn’t seem that hard for her to attract a man.  She has a decent job, pretty decent personality, is quite intelligent, fairly funny and can laugh at herself.   I’m not sure where the insecurity comes from, but to fair, I wonder if the majority of decent women feel like her.

Another interesting view was her take on cheating.   While be both agreed that cheating was a very lousy thing to do to someone.  She said that women hurt more over and were more humiliated over it.   That men generally don’t give second chances and it seemed unfair that if she cheated, she might be inclined to forgive (depending on the scenario), but men will never forgive.

My take was that it is men who stand to lose more if their woman cheats.   When a man cheats, it’s pretty much his fault.   When a woman cheats, it’s pretty much assumed that it’s his fault.    Even worse for a man is the fact that it often directly insinuates that he “must not be hitting it right” if he seems like a decent guy overall. At the very least, he did something wrong.    A woman could be decent by all appearances and him cheating generally has ‘nothing’ to with her.

Plus, in general, if the new man is more skilled  and more endowed than the old, a woman won’t feel as much pleasure if she goes back to the old.   As men, the increased pleasure factor for us is mostly due the to ‘newness’ of it all.    He could go back to his woman and the sex in general will feel the same.  Worst case scenario for her is that the ‘new’ woman knows a few more tricks, but those skills can be learned if she’s willing.

Our biggest fear is that he ‘filled’ her in a way that we never could and it hits us right at our ego.   She might be powerless to resist if decides to come back later on and remembers how much ‘better’ he was.  If she cheated before, what’s to stop her from doing it again, especially if we can’t satisfy her sexually as much as the next man can.

While she weakly dismissed the assertion that this could be the case, she did acknowledge that this really could happen at the same time.    Even if she doesn’t cheat again, it’s always the possibility that she’s thinking about him.   IT plays right into our pride to know that another man has been in her.   It feels like she was violated in a way and that she should could never “enjoy” us the same again.

It’s already tough to acknowledge that there is the possibility that one of her ex’s or former bodies might be way better, but even harder when you’re thinking that she cheated due to you not ‘being enough’ in that area.    We don’t have much control over that and while technique can take you far, I personally wonder how far can it really take you?… and can she be honest about it without hurting our feelings knowing that we’d feel a certain way.

What I took from this conversation with my friend is that (unless she’s lying) that many women are way more insecure than I thought when it comes to sex, relationships, and attraction.   I also took away that there is somewhat of an innocent naivety in their outlook of the bigger picture in sex and dating.   Their ignorance of their own nature is due to just not thinking about it in terms of the struggle of the ‘average’ or regular guy.

The guys they are attracted to have this ‘factor’ and if they’ve mostly dealt with these types of guys, it’s only natural to assume that most men have it like that.    It also reaffirms the redpill 80/20 rule.    That 80% of the women are screwed by like 20% of the men on average.  It’s an attraction issue.

It explains why there are so many men are out here complaining that women don’t really give them a chance and when they do, they often get monkey branched.    While women complain that ‘men ain’t shit.’

It’s not that most men ‘ain’t shit’.  It’s just that women are mostly attracted to the “ain’t shit” men while ignoring or friend zoning the decent ones who would make good husbands or boyfriends.    At the same time,  those good guys who have gotten their hearts broken realize that what woman say they want isn’t what works.  We become emotionally unavailable (not out of bitterness or hurt, but because we know what happens from experience) which ironically makes us more attractive…. even if they won’t admit it.

Or maybe most of us just suck at sex.


Actions speak louder than words.














Last Place

This nice guy/good guy finish last is really real out here.    You seriously have to be a freaking asshole.   Not in the sense of cursing women out and treating them badly (although I hear it does actually work), but in the sense of being dishonest, lying, and apologizing later.

If i hear one more woman tell me that I’m a good guy, I might just body slam her to make a damn point.   If I tell them that good guys aren’t attractive to them, they look at me as if I have a damn horn growing out of my forehead.

Now that I’m separated, I’ve been able to get a few dates with a few women.    I’m a pretty personable person in person.   I’ve been told that I’m funny, smart, pretty good looking, but also, a good guy.   When asked why I’m separated, I’m honest and tell them my story…..well parts of it as i don’t want to throw my wife under the bus so to speak.

While at first, they acted ‘horrified’ to hear what happened, as I should probably expect at this point, I don’t shit on my wife or portray her to be a horrible person. I make her human.    I just explain that while it did hurt a lot, we are all human and make mistakes or bad decisions sometimes.   That I do realize that it probably wasn’t her intention to hurt me so bad.   That I do think that she’s a pretty decent person, though not the Angel I once thought she was.    And that while I still don’t understand or excuse her behavior, I forgive her and will always have love for her.    But as of now, she’s still on the fence about things and I’m not sure if I trust or want to trust her anymore.  That she says that she “loves, but isn’t in love with me”, and we’re just trying to figure out where to go from here as we do have love for each other.   That for now,  I’m just doing me.    I’m really surprised at how they just take my word for it, but then again, I do try to be as balanced as possible.

The number one reaction after all that is something along the lines of….”Awww, I wish I had someone who loved me like that.”    Some even tell me that I should or I am going to give her another chance.  That I should stay, be patient, and hang in there for my family’s sake.    Sure there is some flirting and a few shenanigans that take place, but still, it feels as if they are placing me in that ‘nice guy’ category as they get to know me.

I wonder if it’s a test to see how likely I am to go back.   I really can’t say and I really am torn on the issue.   I let them (one in particular) know my struggle and while she respects me as a person and hopefully a friend…

It’s starting to feel as if the attraction is fading towards me.    And that is the dilemma that I’m facing.   I get that on one hand, they’d want to ‘protect’ their hearts.   On the other, it’s why nice guys finish last.   I’m not a nice guy though. I mean technically, I am cheating.   Technically, I do want sex and I make don’t make it a secret.

I don’t expect attraction just because I treat her with respect or keep it real for real.   It just sucks to have her lose attraction because of it.  How ironic is that on one hand, they respect me more, but lose attraction in that process, but on the other, it feels that my wife respects me less and lost/loses attraction because of it.   Shit, i can’t win.

In my mind, the difference between a ‘good’ guy and a ‘fuck’ boy is that a ‘fuck’ boy will lie, gain her heart, and then pretty much use her for what he wants.   I want to use her for what I want (sex, friendship, ego gratification, and companionship), but at least be real about me, my situation, and what it is.

I know it’s the “righter” thing to do to put it all out on the table, but it seems that I lose out in a way.   Forget all that they’re talking.  Maybe the “real” pillow talk shouldn’t be had.   I should just focus on the fun and not get into details anymore.   Why should I care if they think of me as a ‘bad’ guy or a manipulative bastard.   The end result would be pretty much the same anyway.   In fact they’d lose respect on a certain level, but probably end up disgustedly attracted if the shit hits the fan.    Perhaps the pillow talk should be played as a trump card.

Women are complicated.  Why do you have to hurt them in order for them to stay attracted?   Maybe I’m not really as much of a man as I thought because of how much I care…if that makes sense.  It’s like too much mercy (or concern for others over myself) is a bad thing for real.   I know it sounds pious, self righteous, and like i have a martyr/savior mindset.   Perhaps I do.   I’d probably score pretty high on the empath scale.  I can’t help it.

I’m too good.  Not good as in better than others, but too good as in too goody two shoes when it comes to treating people how I’d like to be treated.    I’ve heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I overstand that on a different level now.  In the end, I am a bit of a narcissist in that i do want love, attention, affection, and sex, regardless of the cost.  Despite my wife’s cheating, affair, and subsequent betrayal, I am now technically cheating and looking for sex and companionship outside of my marriage instead of trying to end or fix it.

Despite me wanting her to want it….me not wanting her to want it out of guilt….my fear of opening my heart up until i feel she can show me that she wants to try…..   It makes me just as guilty as her.  I’m not taking responsibility for MY actions and am putting it all on her.  But isn’t on her in a way?   I mean she’s the one who wants to ‘keep her options open’.  The longer she sits on the fence about things, she holding the door open for someone to come in and steal my heart completely (and I get it in a way if she just doesn’t love me like that anymore).   It is a risk she’s willing to take, but yet when it comes to marriage, i’m supposed to be patient and long suffering…..as the example Christ Jesus gave to us(the church, His bride, so to speak).  How much can I really say that I love my family if I can’t wait.   How much am I really trusting in God if I’m not willing to endure.

Am i being a fool for waiting, a coward for not forcing her to make a decision, submissive by not leading by example, a sucker for allowing this to happen twice.  Petty for doing things behind her back(lies by omission).  Respectful for not rubbing it in her face.  Fair for not trying to make her jealous.   Self respectful by taking the steps to forward in a sense.   Or perhaps all of these things.   What should I do?  Keep suffering, wondering, risk resentment.  Keep pushing her.  Chasing when that only pushes her away.

What about my needs?  I can’t lie, it feels really good to feel wanted, desired, and respected, even if I know it’s all superficial for now.   It feels good to not worry about who she’s talking to when I’m not around or who’s texting her.    Or why she’s late or not answering the phone if I call.

To be fair, it does seem that she isn’t doing anything right now with anyone and I even beleive her when she says that her so called “best friend” doesn’t call and text her that much anymore.   She swears they didn’t do anything on that trip.   I don’t believe her even though she does sound convincing.

Or am I just framing this in a way to justify my own behavior as of late.  Either way,  I am no longer a good man in that sense of the word.   I should stop fooling myself.   In reality, honesty does not really make me good in the end.  My actions are wrong though I am justified in being confused.   My intentions are not pure as in the end if I’m honest, I’d rather have a side chick or two while she works through whatever she needs to in order to make a decision.

In the end, I really gotta start looking out for myself more.  As of now, here i sit, the self righteous fool, angry with the world because I can’t decide whether I should put my needs first or last.  Like a sucker assed simp if I put the family first.  Like a hypocrite and a faithless heathen if I don’t.   Like a self righteous martyr if talk about it.    And that no matter which order i decide, i end up feeling or  being guilty either way.

I’m no good guy at all.  Just a pathetic manipulative hypocrite stuck between wanting people to understand my struggle and love me for acknowledging how hard it is.   I talk the talk, but my walk is feeble at best.   I’m that guy who comes to work and barely scrapes by while complaining the whole damn time.    Blaming her while I’m now out here doing the same damn thing.   Using her indecision and past indiscretions as an excuse.    Using my “needs” as justification….as if I was the only person who ever had to endure lack of intimacy, sex, and past humiliations.   As if those things are even really that hard in the scheme of things.    I’m acting like a victim “who overcame” to gain sympathy.   Yup, I’m the quintessential “nice guy” and it is really no wonder why they lose attraction for me the more we talk about this.

Jesus gave His life for me when I was still and am still yet unworthy, yet I call and ask for His mercy every single day.   How can I bear my cross if I’m unwilling to let my ego die for my family.   And yet if she doesn’t love me like that, then how can I hold her hostage to love?

Perhaps I’m wrong for putting me first and wrong for putting her first.   I should put God first and Us second.    In which case, I have to endure for as long as I can.   Shit man, noboby ever said this was going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard.

What a loser.







Back to basics

After 3 months of separation, I’ve gone out and met a few women who seem to like me a bit.   I’m still trying to find the balance between pursuing without overdoing it.   Acting like I care, but not really caring too much.

It’s really interesting to see and contrast their personality differences.   I can’t lie, there are things that I like about all of them, but I find myself falling into the trap of not finding things that I don’t like.

It feels good to be desired by someone though.  Truth be told, I don’t really have high expectations for any of them.   I’m playing a solid game I believe, not too needy, but pursuing enough to show that I’m interested in more than just being friend zoned.  I’m also applying what i’ve learned about inner game and it seems to be working out pretty good so far.

I also catch myself not teasing enough.   But i have come up with a basic strategy that needs a little tweaking.

The thing is, now my wife is starting to warm up to me a little more.   She doesn’t ‘know’ about the others, but at the same time, I don’t know if she really cares.  She once told me that she didn’t care if i went out and had sex with other women, she just didn’t want to know about it.    I don’t know if she meant it, but she did say it a few times, so I can only take her word for it.

My feelings for her are still very raw.   It’s hard to process how I feel about her at times.   Mostly, I feel that I can take or it or leave it.   Then again, i do feel a bit jealous when I think she’s ignoring my calls because she’s talking to other men.   I’m not sure.

One thing has changed is that I don’t really want to look at her phone.   It’s like I want to know, but then again, I don’t.    We still do things as a family together, but 1 on 1 time isn’t really something we plan for.    In all honesty, many times, I don’t really care too much to try to make things happen for us.   I’m still respectful and try not to text anyone in front of her, even though, i find myself starting to ‘sneak’ and do it in front of my son.

I think the biggest thing at this point is the fear of losing the potential of us getting back together.   While it might not be the worst thing in the world as I once feared, it still sort of bothers me.   I fear that I’ll regret not forgiving her and at least trying to fix things while I have a chance.   Not that I’d know exactly how to do this with her anyway.   But still.  I do believe that God can ‘order my steps.’

I fear that I’m falling out of love with her, which is a good thing, but at the same time, I wonder if I have it in me to practice what i’ve been preaching this whole time.   That true love is a choice.   I’ve been hurt so badly and I fear opening back up to her on that level.   I just don’t know if I can trust her.   The focus should be on what i think that God wants and He can see me through.  I think he’d want for me to try it again.   It’s also good for our son.   Well only, IF she is willing to be a stand up wife.

I don’t know if I could ever really love her the same again.   I don’t know if i want to.   It’s not a matter of her not being worthy.   Jesus has shown me that I’m not worthy of God’s forgiveness, mercy, or grace, but this is what love is all about.   If I am to love her as I vowed to, I have to do so, regardless how how badly she hurt and betrayed (crucified) me.  The beauty in the story of Christ’s crucifixion is that it is the ultimate love story.

I just don’t trust her.  Plus I’m not sure if she really loves me.   She doesn’t have to be head over heels in love with me, but I just need assurance that she intends and is willing to try to do right by me.

But I should take her actions out of the equation if I am to place my decisions solely upon the direction of God.   I’m no saint though and this is NOT an easy task as I am susceptible to  temptation.

This now becomes the questions of

1)How much do I trust in God.

2)Am I willing to lay my wants down for Him.

3)Am I finally just getting over this or did I ever really truly love my family.  In other words, was it just a matter of my ego being hurt or did I really truly love my wife, marriage, and family?



Simp or Swim?

The term word “simp” is a derogatory term in the red pill community that describes men who cater to their women.   It is interchangeable with words such as beta male or cuck.    They are basically used to imply that men who treat women well are inferior men.

The idea is that treating a woman as a queen is the surest way to have her lose respect for you.    Placing her above your own needs makes her lose respect for you even though she may push for that.

Men who have been burned by women they treated well often turn redpill and are considered bitter.   Many of these men come from the position of a ‘good guy’/ ‘family guy’ who’s girlfriend or wife left or cheated on them despite them doing the right thing.   Others, gifted with charisma or the ability to naturally talk women into having sex with them, see how many many women cheat and disrespect faithful men behind their backs.

Good men were raised with the notion that we should cherish, honor, respect, and have patience with our women.   The gestures associated with chivalry often place men in a subservient position.   We are taught be gentle and show her the upmost respect.   We are taught to be providers.  It is instilled within us that ‘she’ is the prize.

Unfortunately, we aren’t taught that most women don’t really deserve nor even desire this.   Society kept a huge secret from us.   The reality is that most women find these characteristics as unattractive.

This is evident in how ‘bad men’ seem to get the lion’s share of women.   Dysfunctional, arrogant, disrespectful men seem to do the best with women.   There are millions of stories about how a good guy comes along, determined to treat a woman better than her lying, cheating, abusive ex  come home and find her in bed with that ex.

The internet is full of stories about women having it all, a loving husband, who provides, help with the kids and around the house while also giving her a home, car, and nice vacations who either cheat or are feeling guilty about not being attracted to them anymore.    Some of these men are funny, still in shape, or at the very least decent overall.

On the redpill side, men complain about giving their wives everything and staying faithful even when she stops giving him sex and appreciation.   Many hurt, but want to stay and try to work things out for the family.   All too often the woman finds someone else she’s interested in, cheats and destroys the family home.  They file for divorce, gain custody of the children and these men end up having to pay alimony and child support.  They have to downgrade their lives and try to pick themselves up and start over.

Many of these men become depressed, some kill themselves, others endure years of emotional and psychological damage.    Many decide to become MGTOW and vow to never get serious about woman again.   Some date and become players.  Others try and remarry.   Many of those have reported that the second marriage eventually ended up like the first one.

This is a silent epidemic going on in America today.   Society, by and large, still vilify men as if we cause most of the relationship problems and broken homes.  They paint us as abusive or cheaters.   Women often ask where the good men are, but yet they all know a good guy who’s willing to try and build with them.  They just aren’t interested.   They know of women who left ‘good’ husbands for selfish reasons.

There are a segment of men who are wicked to women.  The thing is that most women are attracted to the men who carry those characteristics.    Most women find the bad boy archetype irresistible.

While things like honor, stability, and faithfulness are necessary to maintain a stable household.   Most women eventually find stability as boring.   The lose attraction to it. They begin to fill unfulfilled.   They cheat or leave and often both.   They look out on social media for ex crushes and ex boyfriends and entertain them.    They have  perpetual ‘grass is greener’ syndrome.   With a plethora of thirsty males willing to say and often do almost anything for sex, who can blame them?

Men are waking up and learning that while women say they want a good man, they don’t really know how to be a good woman.   They are learning that women will be selfish towards good men while giving their best to a bad boy.

Many men are reporting that once they stop giving a crap about women and start treating them bad, they get more respect from them.  Some men still maintain their values and don’t have it in them to sink to that level.   The understand the nature of most women, but choose not to participate or play the ‘game’ with them.    These are the MGTOW, IBMOR, SYSBM men.

Many date, some are players, but they don’t commit nor lie to women as they know that it’s not worth it in the end.

We are learning that we cannot truly love a woman with our hearts even though we may choose to show love.   In 2018 one of the worst things a man can do is actually ‘fall in love’ with a woman.

Perhaps this is something spiritual, maybe psychological, maybe both, but truly falling in love with a woman is the surest way to make her lose attraction to you.  It happens way more often than not, so regardless of what side of the fence you fall on in your approach, the bottom line is that you have to pretty much expect that she will ultimately betray you.  It’s pretty much foolish not to at this point.

Maybe someone will read this and think to themselves, not me, not my woman.   It sounds like you’re already in too deep.   I don’t wish that pain on anyone, but when shit does hit the fan, which most likely it will, you’ll learn and know that it will hurt like almost nothing you’ve ever felt before.   A LOT more than you ever imagined.   And probably for a long time, but eventually, you will make it out.   A little worse for wear, but more aware.    You will learn to deprogram yourself from the foolish notion that women want good men.

You can then learn to use their programming of wanting a ‘good guy’ to your advantage, but realize that eventually, she will grow bored of it.   So don’t put your heart in.    It’s a tough pill to swallow, but trust me, heartbreak is even worse.



What are you actually bringing to the table

In the day of the independent woman, one has to ask what can we as men bring to the table for our women.    Historically, we were the protectors and providers.   We set the direction and tone of the relationship.   In return, they were tasked with doing the domestic work, raising the children, and making sure that we were satisfied physically and emotionally.    Women were financially dependent on the man and therefore he had much more say and power over her.    Added to the fact the divorce was very much frowned upon, women had a lot of incentive to comply.

The rise of the independent woman has changed things.

Today, most households have both parents working in order to bring in money for a lifestyle.   Increasingly, especially in the black community, women make more money than their men.    Expectations now have to be re examined.   We are in new territory here.

Ideally, one would think that if a woman worked more often or contributed more finances to the relationship, then the man should contribute more to the domestic roles.  If both parties are working to provide resources to the household, it would only make sense that both share a more equal role in the domestic work as well.    It’s basically just doing what needs to be done for the sake of the family and relationship.   The traditional gender roles become much more fluid.    There may be times when the man has to cook, clean, take the kids to soccer practice while the woman is at work.   Or you might split those duties based off the work schedules or to take turns relieving the other.

While in theory  it should work.   I find that many women these days find it hard to respect a man who habitually takes on domestic roles.    While being that guy who splits cooking, cleaning, laundry, kid duties, while holding down a 9 to 5 might look like a  nice social media meme, women lose attraction to those men who do it too much.

We both contribute different amounts in different ways, but it all goes towards the goal of building a life that satisfies us as well as our family.

Unfortunately, two things work against us men when we try to take this on.   First, our women lose attraction for us.

Many black women find it hard to submit to their men already.    Even more so when they lose attraction.    How much harder is it when society says it’s ok to divorce simply because your aren’t as happy as you think you should/could be.  When if leaving, she’s already guaranteed child support and if he is significantly more wealthy than her, alimony.  Being the good guy and standing on your prinicples (if equity and fairness are your principles) causes them to find you boring.    Being stable, reliable, and fair are great qualities, but it doesn’t really provide the drama or excitement that a lot of women crave.

In addition, I don’t think that most women understand that generational wealth is more than just finances.    It’s also wisdom, tradition, memes, lessons, memories, relationships and other intangibles.    I’m able to teach my son so much more than my father taught me and hopefully, he’ll be able to fill in the gaps of what I missed and pass it on.   Those things take generations and is a way to live on through more than just your dna.

A lot of women don’t seem to understand that being a provider is much more than just providing money.   We as men also provide the discipline, patience, and structure.  As Christians, we are commissioned by God to be the spiritual leaders of our homes.    We are responsible setting the tone and direction of the relationship.    That’s hard to do when your wife doesn’t know how to submit, is rebellious, and doesn’t respect your position.

In the end, I think that feminism has a lot of women confused.   It told them that women don’t have power.   In reality, a woman already had too much power.   She has the power to lift up her man or destroy him.   She has the power to make a good man better or worse.    But I digress.    The patriarchy kept that power in check.   Today’s women are being corrupted as that check is being rapidly removed due to the rise of women’s independence of which black women seem to be at the forefront.

Unfortunately, black women tend to be selfish and short sighted when it comes to building things outside of themselves.   They prefer swag over character.   Smooth talk over hard work.   The superficial over the substance.    Now they are given the power to have kids with dudes who don’t take care of their other kids just because he has charm.   They make a lot of bad decisions due to allowing their emotions to overcome their morals and common sense.  Call them out, then your a chauvinist or bitter.

But ask if they are attracted to “bad boys” while put off by men who would make good fathers and husbands, they’ll tell you overwhelmingly yes if they ‘re honest.   Society keeps giving them passes and excuses, while also giving them more praise and power.   So why should they change?  In short, no one holds them accountable for the personal bad choices they make on one hand, but they all get credit for the good things that others do.   In their view, they cannot ever be wrong, let alone corrected.    They will often resort to new agey ideas like “my truth” being a reasonable substitute for “the truth”.

This means that we have to adapt or face the destruction of the middle class black family.   Given the single household and divorce rate(70% filed by women), it seems that we are rapidly racing towards the latter.

In today’s society, we have to ask.  What are the women bringing to the table.  Looks and finances isn’t enough if we’re trying to build something.   It’s ironic that they bring their best dishes to men who don’t care about those menu items:   Loyalty, intelligence (not just book smarts), morals, and the ability to submit without being a doormat while pretty much bringing their appetites to the table with men who they could actually build with.

Good men have to learn to manipulate their emotions like the bad boy without violating our own personal values.   It’s work.   Is it even possible to play with the pigs without getting dirty?

The bible says that finding a wife is a good thing and a blessing from God.   I wonder if it really was actually trying to say that finding a woman with wifey qualities is a blessing.

Or is there something that a man guided by principles are mistaken in.  Perhaps as men, we shouldn’t really be looking for romantic love to begin with.    Perhaps it isn’t natural for a man to be ‘in love’ with one woman and just be satisfied with her.    Maybe this is why women aren’t attracted to/ lose attracted to men who actually ‘love’ them.    This isn’t biblical teaching though.  It shouldn’t be that way, but perhaps this is just another manifestation of the fallen world we’re living in.









Still Simpin

I had a discussion with my wife about redpill philosophy, MGTOW, and why this movement and similar movements are rapidly growing.    She isn’t much for words and didn’t offer any substantial feedback.

I told her how many men discover redpill after being dragged through the family court system and gave examples of how many good men were being cheated on and left by their wives.   I told her about the stories of good men, even more successful than me, better husbands than me, were being done wrong by their wives.   How they were humiliated, disrespected, and ultimately kicked to the curb simply because she “fell out of love.”

I told her how their experiences were similar to mine.   Hoping that seeing it from other perspectives, some worse than mine, would help her see how immoral and wrong her behavior was.

I was hoping to put her on game.   Hoping to show her that many men are immoral and will say and do anything to get into her panties.   How they don’t care if she disrespects them, her marriage, or herself in order to get laid.   That once they get what they want, they can’t commit to her knowing that she’s a cheater.    They don’t respect her nor see her as a good woman.    That we as men (in general) will say or do anything to get laid.

I wanted her to see that what is doing isn’t uncommon and that she isn’t a unique snowflake.  That there is a difference between good and bad behavior.   That good men are waking up to this and will hold things like this against her.   That the baggage she’s creating (lies, deception, etc.) will move forward with her.   And that she either has to risk being ‘fake’ in her next relationship by lying about our marriage or risk losing credibility with her next (husband?) if she moves forward.   That she should learn to try and suppress or overcome the wickedness she seems so fond of if she wants to find real happiness with someone else.   Then again, maybe people can change if the right person comes along.    Who knows.

I try to shield her from some of the harder philosophies about how logic and reasoning is really wasted on women.   That their emotions and strong tendency of cognitive dissonance separate them from reality.

I think that red pill has awakened me to many of the simp behavior that I  had and is  inherent in the black community as a whole.    We as black men do the MOST in order to get sex from women.   The majority of our motivation comes from the desire to get laid.   We lay aside morality, ethics, religious beliefs, everything just to get our dicks wet.   It’s really no wonder women are the way that they are.    In short, their power over us comes from our intense desire to get pussy.

I think this is in part biological and in part social.   Of course it’s part of our biological imperative to procreate and reproduce.   Our society also implicitly tells us that the more women we have sex with, the better men we are.

This makes us not hold women accountable for being bitches or acting irrationally.   We cheat with other men’s wives.   Destroy homes and families.  Get unworthy women pregnant.  Marry even though we know that the odds are really high for failure all so we can have pussy.   We cheat, often placing our futures, careers, and families at risk.   All because we want sex and will sell our souls to get it.   It made me ignore the red flags she gave off while we were dating and ignore or excuse some of her selfish behaviors while we were married.     We have to do better.

I’m waking up to the fact that sex is such a powerful motivator often to our own detriment that we have to undo this mental conditioning.   There are way worse things than not getting laid.

If I’m honest, a huge part of my hurt and desire to get back with her is because I want more sex from her.   I’ve entertained (no sex …yet) the idea of just getting someone on the side to get over her.    Of course this conflicts with us getting back together (if i’m trusting in God) even though I wonder if my attention is elsewhere if she’ll act right.    I want a real connection with someone, not just sex, but at the same time, I don’t want a relationship either.   I don’t know what I want.

I think still boils down to why the urgency for sex has to addressed.   I am actually considering to compromise my morals and cheat (separated, but we’re still married)  in order to fulfill this desire in me.    Knowing that it most likely won’t end well.    I’m also disrespecting myself by allowing her to “be on the fence” about this while I am still pretty resolute in wanting it to work.

Ultimately though, this knowledge or awakening has helped me realize that maybe she isn’t a great partner for marriage for me.    I mean, she won’t have serious discussions about the future or even the present for that matter.    She doesn’t seem to think about these things or at  least won’t or either can’t talk to me.    I don’t trust her and she doesn’t communicate with me in a way that brings out the best in me.   Our conversations become a monolog with me dominating the conversation either lecturing her or trying to pry information out of her like an interrogation expert.

My ideal marriage is co-partnership with me of course being the lead, but she needs to play an ACTIVE role in helping me make the best decision for us.   This requires her to put up some emotional energy and offer up some ideas on how we should move forward.   I will admit that I don’t know it all, but it’s not my style to pretend that I do either.    At the end of the day, even if we don’t work it out, we have to co parent and her acting stupid about things makes me think that that will even be difficult.

Even if she decides that she wants to work on things, the question is if she’s even capable of doing what’s needed.   She doesn’t read anything about self growth.   She doesn’t seem interested unless it comes to working out her body.    She’s superficial almost childlike in her approach to this, just letting the cards fall where they may.  Not concerned about how her actions affect our family.      I suppose I was somewhat aloof like that, but I feel that this has awakened me to the fact that I have to take this ‘adulting’ thing more seriously.  It’s a scary thought to think that I’m the most mature one this relationship.   And that’s by a long shot.

The lack of trust has awakened me to the fact that her lack of communication is a huge deal.   Before her affairs, I wrote it off as a personality quirk that we could overcome.   But due to her affairs and broken trust,  her lack of transparency, lack of communication, and selfishness are all on the table.   They hinder any sort of progress we might be able to have in rebuilding this thing.

So with the knowledge that she isn’t quite right for me for marriage.   That me sitting here ‘waiting’ on her to decide if she wants to stay married, even though she had the affairs, broke the trust, and damaged things to this point, is indeed disrespecting myself.  She still doesn’t really address the issues one way or another.   I am still simping.   For love, for lust, for my family, no matter.  I shouldn’t have to simp for my family.    She doesn’t love nor respect me.  How could she when it would appear that she doesn’t really love nor respect herself in a real way.  The worst thing is that she doesn’t even realize it.