Unringing a Bell

Spoke with stbxw this morning and she apologized for the affair even though she maintains she did it because she was ‘unhappy’. She did say that there were no excuses however that no excuses was followed by a … but….

Either way, she says that she still feels the same way. She doesn’t want to be married even though she claims she isn’t seeing anyone. That’s fair. I don’t really care. I can’t take her back anyway. We are both in a state of where we don’t feel motivated to work on the marriage.

She says that I need to change. ‘Read’ get a better paying job or try to make more money. ‘Ambition’ is what she calls it. I’m assuming that this is the reason she doesn’t want to work on the marraige. She ended up saying that if I wanted to work on things “You’d think you’d be more motivated to make those changes, if not for me, but for yourself.” In a way, maybe it is a good thing that I’m not super rich or financially wealthy right now. She’d only be with me for the money and I’d never know it unless I befell hard times.

I had to remind her that I do work full time (10 hour days no less), drive ride share part time, and am working on a small business while taking care of kiddo (basically by myself) and having to deal with all this b.s. from an emotional pov. Either way, her assumptions are completely off bases.

IF i were to suddenly be “ambitious” (got a windfall of money or had a change in financial fortune), what makes her think that I’d be interested in fixing anything with her? I gave the analogy like…..what if she got fat and I never asked her to lose weight even though it was a problem for me. Then instead of telling her how I felt, I cheated, made fun of her with the new chick, and treated her like shit. Then say she lost the weight and started looking good and suddenly, I wanted to reconcile. Would she take me back after all of that.

Her response: “If i loved you enough, I would.”

So that said, it’s obvious we’re two different people. For me, it’s a matter of self respect. If you’re not with me when I’m not at my best (didn’t say at my worst), then you certainly don’t deserve me when I am. Maybe trust and loyalty doesn’t really mean that much to her. It’s almost everything to me.

She says she isn’t motivated to work on the marriage…. Well,I damn sure am not trying to rebuild a damned thing with her unless she put in a LOT of effort and even then that would just be a starting point for me to even consider it.

It’s pretty much over and I’m over it. Loyalty is important to me, transactional love (fuck what they tell you) isn’t what I want out of a marriage. I’m too loyal and love from a genuine place than to give that to someone who bases their loyalty and friendship on such superficial conditions. IF she did prove loyal, then I’d move heaven and earth to make things work for us. But I’m not sacrificing my happiness for someone who isn’t ride or die for me. I’d never allow myself to sacrifice so much for a person like that to benefit.

She can like, wish for, desire, or want whatever she wants out of life. I’m not mad at her for that. My thing is that she actively chooses to abandon/destroy our family in pursuit of those things. As if she was powerless to at least try. As if our family wasn’t worth a little bit of effort.

And she can dress this up as much as she likes and deny all she wants, but IRL, new dick and attention is at the center of all of this. She’ll never admit it, but the reason I say this is because she could given it 6 months of us just trying to see if things would work. She could have stopped dealing with dudes, sat down with me, and talked about how we could at least try to fix things. Her pursuit of traveling, a new job, getting a home, or whatever, could have all been done without any intimacy from any guys.

IMHO, she is pretty much saying that as of now….I’m not good enough for her to even consider keeping our family together. I use family a lot because it means a lot to me. But as much as it means to me, I’m not willing to give up my dignity nor self respect for it. I will say that she is becoming a bit more honest in her communication, so that’s a good thing. She is also a bit more self reflective it seems. But she’s still selfish as all get out imho. She’s an opportunist.

She actually had the nerve to insinuate that “we don’t have sex, we don’t talk, we don’t see eye to eye and it’s been that way for the last 4 years or so….” as if this all happened in a vaccuum. As if her actions haven’t greatly played a role in how our relationship (as in the way we relate to each other) in this. AS if her constant cheating, emotional or physical, lack of remorse, and dedication to secrecy after a huge affair and subsequent cheating has nothing to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and reconcile / fix things between us.

Who the fuck does she think she is anyway? Cleopatra, Queen Alexandria, Zoe Saldana? Then she wants to blame me for lack of sex, when the last 10 times I tried (since before I stopped trying) she turned me down. UGH.

Have sex with her? I couldn’t even look at her when she was here. I’ve just started being able to make eye contact with her again. Maybe she doesn’t realize how disgusting it is to imagine (for me anyway) having sex with her after she’s been doing god know what to god knows who. PLus I know she did it while we were married.

Even if I decided to give in on her next visit. To say that condoms are a must is an understatement. Besides, it really isn’t all that great anymore anyway. The last time i did, it felt like … not good…. at all. There was 0 connection. I’ve felt more intimacy from a prostitute (hey I was young). Not saying she was always bad and she’s probably better with others, but for me, it’s just not good and not worth it.

I know I’m not perfect, but gotdamned. This chick is bozo. Is her head dead? Can she find her mind? Is her brain drained?

So this phone conversation was much needed. Lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me. I’ve been taking being cordial with a small chance we could work on things. Dunno why tho. I guess I”m like that addict who quit smoking crack, but started back walking around the trap house and remembering the old days. I need to stop talking to her and get back to focusing on my future. Without her.

Unfaithful

     I am convinced that most women are not faithful and that falling in love with one is a trap that has sent many men into mental and psychological prison.

      Ive heard and uncovered way too many stories online about the phenomenon of cheating women.   It’s at the point where it’s unsurprising when i hear of stories about women cheating.

      The thing is that is seems that most are either ignorant or uncaring of how deeply this injures a man/husband.  

       It’s so tempting to fall and they can make is so easy….but these days, as men, we must protect our hearts at all costs.    

While being emotionally unavailable seems to be effective in maintaining attraction to a woman…despite their protests…..it is essential if a guy wants to maintain his sanity.

      I’m generally happy for the married men that i know with good(or so it seems) marriages.     They absolutely love and adore their wives.  Yet in a way,  i pity them.   I know that the pain they could potentially get from these relationships should their wives decide to “go rogue” is almost unbearable.

         It’s a precarious position to be in when someone has that much power over you.  we often dont even realize it until it’s too late.   I never thought in a million years that the pain i experienced from my stbxw’s affairs would be that bad.

         Although it’s been four years and I’ve been able to get through it for the most part….i fear that it has affected my ability to love anyone else from such a pure state.   I think I have been damaged in a way that prevents me from wanting to experience that level of deep intimacy with anyone.  

     I fear falling in love like that again.   Im unsure if i can trust anyone like that.    It doesn’t matter what a woman tells me, or how well things go….it’s like a part of me just cannot let go of the idea that she could do what stbxw did to me.

       As an imperfect being,  i know that it would in part be my fault.    So there is a sort of bitterness and jadedness that i feel whenever it would seem that I might be falling for someone. Maybe it’s just me, but if I love someone, I love them….part of love is accepting their flaws while working together. You just dont abandon or hurt them. If you must leave, then it should be handled with as much grace and respect as possible. Commitment requires that you look after their heart if u convinced them to give it to you. Part of that commitment may require a bit of self sacrifice. In essence loyalty. And loyalty isn’t always easy. It’s easy to love someone especially during the honeymoonphase of a relationship…but loyalty is when you choose to love someone in the face of temptation or during hard times.

         I wish I had the personality of a player so that i could easily have/get women. I’d love the ability to make them laugh themselves into the honeymoon phase with me.    Not that im a womanizer, i truly want monogamy…..but only to protect myself from falling so deep.

     It’s been said that the reason why previously permiscuos women aren’t good choices for long term significant others is that they lose their ability to “pair bond” long term.

        Ironically, i find myself in that position right now.   I am double minded in that I truly want to find my “one”, but yet, i fear it so much.    As the scriptures accurately explains it….”a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways.”  

    I don’t hate the stbxw as a person.   She did what she felt like she needed to do….but i do hate this effect on me.   I know that im responsible for my life, but yet i don’t know how to get myself out of this current mindset

       It seems so unfair that she gets to mess me up so bad mentally,  destroy our family unit, and walk away either ignorant or apathetic to the pain and trauma she caused.   

We don’t have to get back together. I see no way back nor do i believe she can truly understand the damage she did…..but i wish that she could somehow someday truly understand it.

I fear that life doesn’t work like that though.

This is why i think that the best action is prevention. You can’t be out here loving these women like that. Im not suggesting to be evil, do them dirty, or take it out on them. But i do believe that the risk of falling that hard for someone is not in a man’s best self interests. It’s just too risky.

Perhaps i just don’t have the personality to have love like that. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me in this lifetime. Im still fairly young, so there is still plenty of fun to be had.

But i dont know if i could every truly forgive stbxw for stealing that innocence away from me.

The promised land?

I think I’ve finally gotten over it. Over the last week or so, I haven’t been feeling that annoying anxiety when I think about her. I haven’t seen her in weeks and even though we have talked a few times, here and there on the phone. I don’t feel pain anymore. The bouts’ of anger have majorly subsided. I no longer feel sadness for losing my family. And finally, I kind of feel excited about the future even though I don’t know where I’m going just yet.

It took a LOOONG time to get that poison out of my system. But I’m ready to move on and ahead without her. As I type this, I realize that there could be residual pangs, let’s say if I see her with another guy or find evidence she’s seeing someone. Actually, I may have seen something in her google photos backup….. But tbh, i don’t care.

I realize that there are actually a ton of women like her out there like that. The redpill information along with all the r/ infidelity posts helped me realize that I am not alone. Kevin Samuel’s and other redpill content creators helped me realize that there are many many many women with deep seated mental and emotional issues. Perhaps it was my fault for placing her so high on a pedestal. But now that she’s no longer there, I can see that she’s not anything special. She’s the epitome of the typical woman that so many men complain about.

I chose bad. I fell in love and threw caution to the wind. I payed for it. But I see now that marriage ain’t worth it, especially to a typical woman like that. Idk if all women are like that, but I definitely know at least 1 who is for sure.

I know that I knew all of these things, but something feels different right now. I think that I finally fell out of love with her. I got my heart back.

I Wasn’t even thinking about it….wow!!! Darn. Relief. It’s like nursing an ankle injury and then no longer feeling the pain. But you’re a little nervous to step down too hard. But right now it feels OK. Like You u know u don’t have to limp anymore.

I haven’t felt this way since b4 she dropped the nuke on me. I feel good man. I feel good.

Hi I’m an alcoholic

They say that love is pain. I disagree. But love is a curious thing in that sometimes you cannot really know how much you loved until you’ve experienced the pain of losing it. Or rather should I say, losing the object of your affection. I can say that as painful as this thing has been with the STBXW, the reason I know that I loved her so much was because the pain of losing her was so bad.

It was a huge risk and I didn’t realize how vulnerable I was. I say it all the time, love is contact sport. It’s like playing football with no protective equipment. It’s all fun and games until you get hit hard. Concussed. Even worse so when you’re playing unprotected against a fully geared up person.

The analogy being that she hit me in the head while she was the only one wearing a helmet. I think it was intentional, but she swears it was an “accident”. Hence, the whole, I know what I did, but I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you thing. Still no excuses, because even if I were wearing a helmet, she intentionally hit me in the head. I mean even in football, there are still rules against unnecessary roughness. Like boxing and all combat sports, the number 1 rule is to ‘protect yourself at all times.’ I failed to do that and ended up paying severely for it.

Lately, my lover and I seem to be getting more into a space of comfort with each other beyond the intense honeymoon phase lust. I never really entertained the thoughts of being anything more than FWB with her, but lately I’ve been feeling like … IDK, I really need to either shit or get off the pot so to speak.

Truth be told, I’m deathly afraid of committing to her. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be her “man”. I want her to see me as someone she’s proud of. Yet, I know that if I do commit to being the best man for her….committing to making her happy, I’d be making the same mistake as with my wife.

It’s tempting to beleive that she really just wants someone to be dedicated to her and be there for her. Treat her right while maintaining my masculinity. To just take over and be the man. To lead her. That does require a lot of trust and respect. I don’t think that women understand how much we risk and the responsibility and pressure we have to take on when deciding to dedicate ourselves to them for real.

I don’t think that I have what it takes to be her “man.” Not in the sense of I’m not worthy or I’m not smart enough. I just have problems with actually giving enough fucks. I’m too easy going and happy go lucky to argue with people and I have too much pride to try to talk a woman into staying with me if she decides she wants to leave. I’m not great at chasing women. And the worst part it that apparently, if i choose to give someone my heart, I have a big issue in getting it back.

Shit, i gotta admit that for some strange reason….beyond me. If him honest, I still love my ex wife. I won’t do shit if i gotta go out of the way for her. I would never take her back. I don’t respect her. I don’t see any redeeming qualities in her anymore. Not enough to feel the way that I do about her. But it still vexes, grieves, and hurts me when I think about her. Perhaps it’s true that the ‘heart wants what it wants.’ Fortunately for me, I’m not led by my so called heart. I have to control it otherwise, it would destroy me.

I think of her as a weakness of sorts. Like I’m a recovering alcoholic. I can’t touch the stuff. I hit rock bottom with that and I’ll be literally damned if I allow temptation to drag me down that road again. I wish I could shut it off, and perhaps one day, I’ll wake up and it will be gone. But as of now, she serves as an annoyingly constant reminder that you just can’t give your heart out like that. I truly wish I never fell in love like that with her and it’s probably one of my biggest regrets to date.

I would take a chance with another woman before going back to her. I’d rather be by myself. Yet as of right now, I’m facing the consequences of my poor choices and I have to deal with it. Rather than lying to myself, I gotta be real. It’s so hard to just be apathetic because I did love her so much. And I’ve learned that once you smoke that first hit of crack, allow yourself to be given over to someone so much…. it’s a bitch to get over it.

I think I could understand a woman who has gone through that. If she told me she really loved someone and he was like a weakness of sorts….in the past, I would have seen it as a red flag. I actually still would, but not necessarily a deal breaker for now IF she were able to articulate that to me.

Boxing with kiddie gloves

      I beleive that my lover is just with me because she hasn’t found a man yet.   I know that my time is limited and has known that for a while.   Shit, I’m surprised we’re still hanging in there.   Yet strangely, the longer we deal with each other, the more attached I get to her.  It’s to the point where I’m beginning to fear losing her.   Scary thought indeed.

         I’ve always loved her.  But from an appreciation pov.   I always knew that our time is limited.   Though I do appreciate her.  The intimacy, the ‘loyalty’, and honesty.  But honestly, I always beleived that I’m cool from a friends with benefits aspect.   Relationship wise though, I don’t see how we could make it.   We’re cool as long as we can keep controversial conversations light.   To be honest, I don’t agree with her on a LOT of issues.   So in a way, she’s right when not wanting to discuss ‘deeper’ issues.   Yet, I’m trying to gain understanding and it seems that she takes disagreements to heart.  In typical black woman fashion.

       Perhaps I’m spoiled by younger sisters.   They seem to be able have a legit debate without taking disagreements personally.   Am I just an asshole?  Like why do most women tend to take disagreements so personally.   I swear it’s like they want dudes (me anyway) to be a “yes” man. 

    Fuck that tho.  I’m going to talk my shit.  Even if it risks fallout.  Perhaps these types of debates are a way of better vetting out who’s good for me or not.  

      It’s not about me being right or wrong.  If I’m honest,  I lose debates with my younger sisters more frequently than I’d like.  For me tho.  Yeah,  I try to win, but it’s not personal if I lose.

   And with them, even when I win, there seems to be no love lost. 

   Or if we come to a stalemate it’s….I respectfully disagree. To be fair though, we’ve been doing this our whole lives pretty much. We know that no matter how much we disagree on a particular issue… we got each other…its a sparring match, not a death battle

    Not with my lover or most other black woman I engage with though.  It’s like keep it ‘fun’, agree with me, or fuck you.

     It’s like they take shit so personally…as if any disagreement is an attack on EVERY THING they stand for.   Their whole soul be hurt.   

     We could be having a great evening,  but God forbid we stumble upon and I disagree on a topic they have an opinion about.   Suddenly,  I’m their worst enemy…unless I shut the fuck up and let them just have it.   

      Now I feel like an asshole for having a different opinion.   Even if I back it with facts.    it’s  like, how are you supposedly so ‘confident’ yet once controversy happens, you shut the fuck down and get so got damned emotional.

      What the fuck is wrong with them?  Or is it just me?  Maybe I’m just an insensitive asshole…yet they have no problems with telling me what’s wrong with my opinion.

        Shit….I truly listen.   I usually get it and even if I disagree,  I can acknowledge the ‘truthiness’ in their rebuttal. 

    I know it sounds arrogant,  but I swear, most of these chick’s are not really THAT intelligent.    Not in a common sense, idealistic sense.   nah, they just get way too emotional. I find it disrespectful bcuz the scorched earth response usually doesn’t warrant the issue of dispute

   Apparently bitches don’t like nuances or real conversations.   It’s like they are too attached to their ideas.  And half of these ideas aren’t well thought out….or oversimplifications of complex issues.

        I’m starting to lose a lot of respect intellectually for many of them.    Sure, they can do their JOBS, but apparently education and salary are not indicators of intelligence.  

       It’s OK, and they don’t have to agree.   I disagree with my male friends a lot….but it doesn’t devolve to … shut the fuck up I don’t want to talk about it…. condescending…. this conversation is beneath me

But the occasional male that does, I mentally consider them a “bitch ass nigga”….not for having a dissenting POV…but based on how they get so emotional and fuck logic and reasoning as they shut the conversation down with ad hominems, threats, and claims of how much money they have  or their street reputation.

      I’m not intimidated usually as I can take an ass whooping but it ain’t gonna be easy gangsta. Respect but u bitch for that type vibe

Either way. Fuck that happy wife happy life shit. Bitch u want equality….u can get this work too…it’s never personal

perhaps this ‘not taking it personal ‘ is one good thing about being a ‘nice guy’ tho it is frustrating as fuck

I’m not AntiVax

But I am a bit worried to take the vaccination. I don’t know why. It’s a really odd thing that pretty much all of the people pushing me to take the vaccination are women and the vast majority are liberal black women. There are a few liberal white women who also made a case. Maybe this is because the vast majority of women I know personally are black and liberal.

The media is really hyping this thing up as well. Radio stations, commercials, and I’ve even seen a few videos online talking about how important it is. Now you have the president offering $100 for people to take it. Even a few conservatives (Sean Hannity) are starting to tell us all to take it. Given the experts “CDC” and doctors all on board, you’d think that I’d also be on board with it. They are the experts after all and know way more about it than me.

I’ve heard great arguments and reasons as to why I should take it. I really have no rebuttal for it. In the face of so much advocacy from people that I generally respect from an intellectual level, plus the incentives. Plus people will finally shut the fuck up about it if I do…. I don’t know why I’m so resistant to taking it. Something just seems off. I’m not sure.

I haven’t heard any good reason as to why I shouldn’t take it. I mean sure, I’ve heard the conspiracy theories about 5G interference and the occasional story about people having adverse reactions to it. And there is also the videos about how magnets stick to the injection site on the body. But to me, it’s not enough to counter the reasonable arguments laid out by those who advocate it.

Still though. Something just seems off. Maybe I’m suspicious about how hard they are pushing it. Countered easily by, “because it is really that serious.” I’m not saying that it isn’t that serious.

Maybe because it is THAT SERIOUS i am hesitant about putting a weakened version of such a strange disease in my body on purpose. This whole covid thing is so different than everything I thought I knew about viruses. In the beginning, we kept hearing so much conflicting information about it. I get it, we learn more about it as time progresses and ‘leadership’ had to respond “in real time” to an unfolding crisis. Mistakes, misunderstadings, and misinformation happens….especially considering we have to reactive to the unknown unknowns.

It’s just something about taking it that literally makes me feel a bit queasy in my gut. “Gut instincts”. Or am i just being paranoid. Maybe it’s my subconscious fear of needles. I never took the flu shot. But i never got the flu…..except that one time I did take it.

I know that people get covid and die from it. I actually know of people who died from it. I’ve heard the stories. I believe them. But even knowing that, my stomach still feels like throwing up a little when I think about that needle being injected into me. Something seems a bit dystopian about it.

I’m really on the fence about taking it. Most of the closest women in my life are really worried and want me to take it. Conversely, the guys ….even the ones who took it aren’t really advocating that hard. Most are like….oh ok I took it because I had to for a job or something. Some just say they took it because of the news or already had underlying health conditions, but seem to be still somewhat on the fence about it.

I have no reason to believe that it’s a conspiracy on a mass scale. I joke about it being the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. Or that it’s getting us conditioned for the “mark of the beast” or something. I don’t really want to delve deep into research into why I shouldn’t take it as not to give myself bad information.

Maybe I’m worried about nothing. I’m usually not a conspiracy theorist so to speak even though I have a bit of mistrust for the government as a necessary evil. I damn sure wouldn’t want to die from covid though. I don’t know, something just feels off and I can’t put my finger on it. I’d never tell anyone not to take it. But idk. For me something doesn’t seem right. Since I can’t say what it is for sure, maybe it’s just all in my head.

Funny how that works

God knew what he was doing when he decided not to give this one the gift of Gab. I’m sort of a quiet guy, but I can keep up with conversations. I’m good at ‘listening’, understanding, and evaluating points of views. I’m an empathic sort of guy. But I’m not a storytelling, impromptu speech, joke telling life of the party type. I do get frustrated at times with people who talk too damned much and have no problem with telling stories about what they know all the time.

Some long winded people have a problem with just shutting it off. They can stretch a 30 second message out to 10 minutes with no pauses with no problems. For me, with most people, its a bit of a struggle to shut off my brain and just talk. If I don’t have any business or an agenda, it’s a bit problematic to start a conversation. Once started, I can generally flow, but as far as pulling a flowing conversation out of my ass, it’s a bit of a struggle sometimes.

In certain ways, I envy those who can just do that. Even though I can understand humor and get it it when I hear it. I could write out a joke if I sat there and thought about it for long enough. But being funny and telling jokes tend to happen like hiccups with some people. I don’t know how their minds are geared towards that type of thinking. It doesn’t even seem like they are thinking about it. It’s like how as I type this now, it sort of just happens.

I can do this with a few people. But it’s very few and far between when I meet someone where the vibe is like that. If there is a such thing as a soul mate, I’d think that I could do it with her. I met this girl once on a dating app and we had that type of connection. For some reason, our conversations were like a improv show and even though we had no idea how we got there, we just ended up saying a lot of funny things to each other. We had that sort of vibe. I realize that there is more to a relationship than just that, it didn’t work out between us because we were both busy and really shouldn’t have been trying to date. Plus she gave off a few red flags. But I’m thinking that if I found someone like that with mutual attraction, it might be worth exploring.

That said though, one of the greatest minds I know….. The late, great, comedian Patrice O’Neil…. one of the godfathers of the redpill community once said that in order to keep a woman, you gotta be able to 1)make her laugh and 2)care more about yourself more than her. I can sort of do both with my lover, but not as much as I’d like to. It’s easier to fake the latter and the former is hit or miss with her. I do have a lot of hits, but not as much as I’d like to feel secure with her.

I will say though, that when a woman is attracted to you for whetever reason, she laughs at a lot of shit you might say even if you personally don’t find it “that funny”.

I agree with Patrice though. Being funny (in a smart way) is key in attracting women. It’s a necessary ingredient in game, sales, and human interactions in general. Unfortunately, my funny bone appears to be sprained. I can’t even think of the last time I said anything funny to STBXW. I don’t try, but still, even though I don’t want her back, it would be great to be able to do that. If I could combine who I am now with a better sense of humor and with the gift of gab….I’d be killing it out here. I think.

For the most part, I am pretty happy with myself. I could stand to make a little more money, but in the scheme of things I can take care of myself financially. I think I look pretty decent, I’m a decent height, I feel like I’m pretty decent in the sack, and I’m fairly intelligent. I also think I have a good heart and I am pretty loyal. So not a bad catch….. but just an average guy. If i could increase two attributes about myself it would be to increase how funny I am and being able to small talk myself into some pussy more.

What’s frustrating is that it seems that it’s not an impossible task, but yet it eludes me. It’s like walking, seeing people being able to run, but being unable to do so myself.

My talents are more kinetic. Like boxing or taekwondo or kickboxing. I’m just good at it. Even though everyone can punch and kick, I just get and understand “how” to do it right. I’m a pretty good teacher at it even though I’m not a pro. I just “get it”. Once someone shows me how to do it, I can just do it and it “feels” right. I can’t seem to get that “feeling” when it comes to being funny. The worst part is that I can “feel” it with certain people, so I’ve felt it before, but I just can’t seem to generate it with most people. I can just ‘feel’ the ‘how’ in a lot of things like cooking, art, dancing, sex, and with practice, I can get really good. But with humor, I can’t quite feel the “how”. Like I find it frustratingly difficult to tap into it on the fly. I almost got it, but something isn’t quite…..

It’s like something just isn’t clicking. Like when you start a car and the battery is almost dead, and it just won’t turn over. It’s like almost….but not quite. It feels like a certain “spark” is missing. I’ve often felt that if I could just get that ‘spark’. Or that connection to whatever it is, I could feel, do it, and be pretty damned good at it.

It’ s like right there in front of my face, just right out of grip. I can touch it with my fingertips, but instead of grabbing it, it sort of just bobbles away.

I dont have to be Bill Burr, Dave Chapelle or anyone….just like I don’t have to be a Floyd Mayweather or Vasyly Lomachenko. I’d be good with being me at whatever level or capacity that I do it at. I don’t have to be the best that ever did it, just competent enough to do it when I wanted to without relying on vibing with ‘the right’ people or drugs or alcohol.

In fact, I probably wouldn’t drink as much if I could just do that. I don’t really feel nervous around people. I don’t hate people. I’m not an extrovert, but my introversion isn’t affected too much as I’m not around the same people all day very often. I wonder if there is anything I can do to just get it to click. I’ve been struggling with this issue since college and it’s no need to beleive that i can figure it out, but it seems like such a trivial or tiny thing that needs to click and I’d have it.

For me, I don’t think this is a matter of practice, which is why I don’t really care to study canned aspects of “the game”. I think it’s a matter of just having the right feeling to access that creativity. Again, I can do it, I’ve ‘felt’ it. I’ve done it. I just need to be able to do it when I feel like it.

What is it?

Noone is Entitled

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably not worthy of anyone’s love. I mean I’m not entitled to it. It’s theirs to give and take as they please. It’s a bit of a grave realization. But an aha moment. Romantic relationships are all just superficial at best.

I believe that you’re entitled to what you earn financially, but you can’t really earn love. It has to be freely given. And just because you give it, a person isn’t required to give it back to you. But even in the case of entitlement, life is sometimes unfair and history has shown that people aren’t always recompensated for what they are owed.

I think that our modern society does a pretty decent job a compensating people for what they are entitled to financially if they put the work in. It’s not a perfect system, but in general, the courts can and usually will enforce contractual financial obligations.

There are no real checks and balances when it comes to matters of the heart though. Unfortunately, if you don’t realize this, you’re in deep ish when you start going out here expecting that people will ‘act right’ in accordance to some noble ideas of justice when it comes to love. Who is going to reinforce it? karma? God? It all seems pie in the sky as quite often, well intentioned people get the shit end of the stick with no payback for those who exploit their weakness.

It seems to me that lust and attraction are the only leverage you have in this game. If you can get people to fall in love, that’s power. But falling in love is foolish and dangerous. Even if you manage to find a situation where “in love” is reciprocated, there are no guarantees. Lust and emotions are fleeting and there is no justice out here.

I fear falling so bad. Yet, it seems that I may be prone to it for some reason. Perhaps i’m a co-dependent. Maybe low self esteem. Possibly fear of being alone. Yet it feels so good to think that I have someone in love with me. Dangerous because should they take it away, it feels that a part of me goes missing. I really have no business in relationships. I love too much….but it isn’t love. It’s a chemical dependency on a person’s admiration and desire to want me. I must be damaged. But am I realistic or toxic for not wanting a person to have THAT kind of power over me. People these days are all about self, just saying.

There seems to be much selfishness in love. At least in a conventional sense. I become possessive out of fear of them leaving. Yet i want to give them a choice. What the fuck is the matter with me?

Why am I craving something that I know will most likely end up destroying me. Why does my version of self love depend on if someone else loves me or not? Yeah. I am toxic.

It seems that I only deserve those who I can attract for that moment. Why then worry about things that I don’t have much control over.

This is why I have to put myself out there so to speak. In this game, I guess it’s ok to lie, cheat, and say whatever it takes. It goes against everything I stand for as far as standing on truth. Yet it seems to be a dog eat dog world. Perhaps narc’s have it right. Maybe my dad and STBXW are right. Love don’t love nobody. It ain’t about love, it’s about who you can attract and attach to you.

This is quite a disturbing thought and it vexes my spirit. Is this just bitterness? Is it growth?

Apathy is truly way

The stbxw has been a real bitch lately. She lies so much. Witholds so much information. Wants my honesty and transparency, but refuses to be so herself. The car insurance company called me this morning asking about a car accident she had on the way back to New York. I told them to call her because I wasn’t there. I texted her and told her to call them. She called me. So I asked her what happened and she asks ‘why’ do you want to know. Just asking. “It’s none of your business.” she says.

It pissed me off. I can’t lie. Especially considering I caught her in another lie this weekend. UGH this chick is so toxic. I’m not sure what the fuck happened to her as she never acted like this in the beginning…..but i have a theory.

I think this is putting us in a sort of spiral where she gets some sort of twisted satisfaction in pissing me off.

I know it sounds crazy….and it might be… but here’s what I’m thinking.

She knows that she has taken the moral low road and probably can’t really recover. She knows that she burned the bridge down and it’s mostly her fault. It pisses her off that she isn’t seen as the ‘hero’ of the story. She knows that I KNOW what she did.

At this point, it’s like the only thing she can do to me is piss me off. Her only power/leverage left with me is to make me angry or hurt me by playing unfairly. And she’ll do it…. for as long as she can. I think this is subconscious on her behalf. This is why she doesn’t argue nor defend herself. She doesn’t make logical sense and there really is no point in seeking understanding from her. She doesn’t need to make sense. She isn’t looking for truth, understanding, nor to get along even.

Her entire goal is to either hurt, confuse, throw me off, or piss me off. She gets off on that from an emotional standpoint. She wants me to submit to her and the only time she seems nice or cordial is when I “thank”her for something. … they call that conditioning.

She’s become like her former AP in a sense. Manipulative, immoral, and soulless. I peeped the manipulation in him as he tried to probe me for weaknesses the few times we spoke. She’s not as logical nor verbal as him, but I was able to see it in him. I couldn’t work with him as I recognize that game. She gets a bit of emotional relief from getting negative emotions from me as it’s the only way she can get to me. If i don’t give it to her, she’s going to try to get it. But i digresss.

The best way to deal with her is to just ignore her completely. I cannot work with her nor take anything she says seriously. I can’t expect anything from her. I have to treat her like a child. Well, an adult child. I have to acknowledge her and play like I respect her. When she does stupid shit….or try to play mind games….. just completely ignore her. Grey rock. I can’t tell her how/why I disagree with what she says. Don’t try to correct, negotiate, chastise, educate or anything.

It’s going to make co-parenting a huge challenge. But her whole objective is to piss me off and if she does that, she wins. Unapologetic apathy really is the only way out of this.

Karma or Consequences

      Stbxw dropped kiddo off this weekend.  I was hoping to talk with her and clear the air about everything.

      We talked on the phone, but didn’t see each other in person for long.    I was a little disappointed in that regard,  but I’m ok.

      I finally did get out almost everything i wanted to say.    I even let her talk.     I asked about karma and how she could move without fearing it getting baxk at her.

       She told me that she probably felt about as hurt from her ex ap’s rejection of her as i was from her cheating on me with him.

      Wow….talk about a slap in the gotdamned face.   Sooo despite that narc cheating with you,  leading u to betray me, and ultimately breaking and humiliating our family, she feels that her karma was losing him?

       I told her that her karma would have been her actually getting him.  

        I cant tell her how to feel, but WOW.    Man, that kind of stung.   Just saying,  it wasn’t like dude wasn’t wearing a redflag jersey.  

        It did cause me to ask myself tho if that is what ksrma is.   I mean, if you’re here driving down a road that you aren’t even supposed to be on and there are sign posts warning of an upcoming cliff and you just barrel through full speed ignoring all the signs….

     If you drive off the cliff…..is that karma?    Dunno.   Seems like she was in a play stupid games win stupid prizes kind of deal. 

Karma seems more like a way of humbling you in order to understand a deeper lesson.     She still seems selfish AF to me.    

       It blows my mind for her to think that losing him was her karma.  How TF does driving off a gotdamn cliff after being warned about it constitute karma?  If i get caught DUI and go to jail…despite me already knowing the dsnger and potential consequences….would karma be me killing someone or going to jail.   Or would it be simply the consequences of me doing stupid shit willfully.    

Karma just seems deeper than that and yet i cant quite put my finger on it. 

Losing our family wasn’t even enough to get a mention from her as far as regrets.  Splitting our home wasn’t even considered.    

She went futher to say that tho she realizes what she did was wrong, she turned did it because she was unhappy. That she was also wrong for not communicating her unhappiness with me….but she did what she felt she needed to do at the time to feel better….and that it did help.

And that she didnt care about working on the marriage. She didn’t care how i felt, but it wasn’t her intention to hurt me, though she felt resentment towards me.

She just wanted to feel better. Basically no regrets. She feels that it doesn’t make her a terrible person.

Personally, i still think its a pretty gotdamn shitty thing to do to a spouse who treated you well. Break your home while humiliating them in the process. All the while never even giving them a chance to fix or fight for the family. I mean this is some pretty terrible shit. No regrets about it nor the consequences makes her pretty terrible imho.

Our family wasnt worth even fighting for? She betrayed us…. for a person like him no less. And she feels bad because he “isnt a faithful dude”….(eye rolls.) …ma’am he was cheating with you.

What kind of sicko literally masturbates while listening in to two people on the phone discussing martial issues. Is this guy such a gotdamn loser that breaking up a family gets him off…. how did he even have the time for that shit? This is her king? What kind of woman even goes for that shit….. I cant respect her over that. She lacks character, integrity, self respect, intelligence, morals. How in the actual fuck did she think this was going to turn out well for her? And to betray your family over a loser like that?

     Though i appreciate her honesty on the whole situation…. it’s proof positive that she has 0 love for me or what she put me through.    Zero empathy.

      And though she said she was going to sign the papers after I told her how important to me it was.   I realize now that she gives 0 fucks about whats hurtful to me.    She’d probably do it if it  was convenient for her….or i suppose if he asked her to. Id be surprised if she actually does it.

         But the fact is that she had and still has no love for me and i think this is the hardest pill to swallow.   Its still as if I’m nothing to her.   

         Maybe im over thinking it.  I shouldn’t care anyway.  In a way, its helpful to know that she feels this way.   But it’s quite vexing that you could experience so many important life milestones with a person, had real love for them, and yet they feel more betrayed by the person they betrayed you for.

        I think that she’s lacking accountability in the matter.    She hasn’t really learned anything.    Consequences and accountability are two different things.    it seems that karma and Consequences are related, but not quite the same thing.

         But who am i to tell God/the universe/ the Most High how to do his job. Maybe it is her karma? I dont know.

She is who she is. I cant worry about it and i have to keep moving forward now armed with this information.

I have a weird feeling of liberation (further confirmation) that i must leave….but also hurt that thr loss of our family meant nothing to her.