Where they at tho

Was talking to STBXW last night on an issue she was having with one of her “female friends”. I was quite surprised that she opened up to me and talked about something so personal. I could have handled it by simply answering the question. And I did…. at first, but as we started digging, I pointed out her hypocrisy. Her conclusion was that her ‘friend’ was selfish and probably not someone she’d want to hang around.

In her story, the friend invited her to come out to her home to spend the night. She had to travel a couple of hours to get there, but by the time she arrived to the city, the friend didn’t answer the phone. She was pissed and said that the friend knew she was on the way, but ended up going to sleep before she got there. She was saying how angry and disrespected she felt. Also stating that the friend was very “selfish” for doing that.

I told her I understood, but I think it’s a bit hypocritical for her to be THAT angry….considering how she did me. I was like it was inconsiderate of her, but maybe you can now understand how selfishness can hurt the people you’re supposed to be ‘cool’ with. Instead of acknowledging, that she could see where I’m coming from….she went on a tirade about how this has nothing to do with that. And even had the audacity to say “this is why we could never work.”…..smh

I agreed and said, yeah, exactly.

I have no clue as to why in her mind that I would even consider taking her back. Then again, I have come the conclusion that she is batshit crazy.

It seems that this level of delusion, selfishness, and lack of self reflection isn’t uncommon in a LOT of women. From my homegirl T, to my lover, to STBXW, to the trainwrecks I see on youtube on a daily basis, and on social media…..it’s starting to get me to the point of really understanding how rare it is to find a woman of substance.

It’s like I cannot talk to these women in any meaningful way.

Another part of last night’s story was that I gave STBXW the analogy of if someone had stolen something from her, then later came back complaining about how someone stolen something from them. Or if I had cheated on her, then later came back and complained about how someone had cheated on me.

She didn’t seem to grasp how even though they were different situations, the PRINCIPLES were the same. And I’ve noticed that with the women I mentioned above, despite being highly educated and in their 30’s and 40’s….they seem to have difficulty grasping analogies.

Conversation is a frustrating endeavor indeed. They seem to prefer gossip and entertainment over deeper conversations. I get it, perhaps I do like to go a little deep. But it’s hard to want to be with a woman who’s approach to life is so superficial. IMO, these women should not really be able to make decisions. I know it sounds condescending….and perhaps it its….but they seem to have the emotional maturity of children.

It seems to be some cruel trick of fate that such women can command such high incomes, yet still have the emotional capacity of a middle schooler. I get it. Women are emotional, I get it. But it’s hard to respect a person who allows their emotions to override common sense. If you can’t control yourself and use “emotions” as an excuse to make poor decisions, it’s like you can’t be trusted. It makes you less than human imo because we all have the ability to do so. What’s lacking is the will and the integrity. Add that to the fact that they use it as an excuse to never hold themselves accountable, then why should they enjoy the same freedoms as men who are expected to hold themselves and be held accountable.

I get that you can’t control your feelings sometimes, but you are responsible for your actions. I can feel like slapping the shit out of someone, but it doesn’t give me an excuse to put my hands on them except in self defense. But if I do allow my emotions to dictate my actions, and I cause harm to someone, I will usually be held accountable in some shape or form for it.

Ya know though, despite all my complaints about finding spending time and conversation with most women as tolerable at best…..i still hold out the hope that there is someone out there who I can have a meaningful connection with. Perhaps it is a pipe dream, but it’s pretty much all I got at this point. Perhaps I’m getting too old, or maybe it’s maturity. But one reason I don’t feel the need to ‘chase’ a woman is because I haven’t found one yet that really stands out to me in a deeper way. Superficial beauty is one thing. And STBXW fit the bill way back then. But after that experience, I’ve come to realize that I need something MORE. And perhaps weeding through all the bots will eventually help me appreciate the right one even more should she ever come along. And if we did have that deeper connection and mutual attraction. SHE would be worth fighting for. But I’d like to hope that we’d be willing to fight for each other.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out better ways to cope with these bots and get along better with them so that I can pretend for long enough to get the pussy then get out. A man got needs too ya know.

It really does take all of that

My homegirl loves to say….”if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kat”. It’s a pretty nonsensical statement to me because a man could definitely want to have sex with her, but not want to be her man.

But what does it even mean to “want her”. I’m at a loss with that. What would ‘wanting a woman’ entail. I mean technically, if her “kat” is attached to her, he does want her if he wants sex.

But Does that mean he likes to hang out with her? Perhaps it means that he wants to marry her someday. He wants to bask in her presence or something.

I don’t understand. Perhaps the simping has been beaten out of me at this point. I don’t know what it means to want a woman. Like, I love my family and friends, but what does ‘wanting’ them mean.

When I think of “being her man” it’s like asking to be her slave. Like I was trying to convey to her, it seems that the requirement to keep a woman “happy” is so high whereas men generally ask for very little. We pretty much just ask for loyalty, cooperation (not necessarily ‘submission’), sex, and maybe a sandwich here and there.

To keep a woman “happy” however, he needs to keep her from being “bored”. He needs to damn near be a therapist. He has to keep things “spicy”. He has to wine and dine her. He has to give her a lot of attention. He has to take her on vacations. He has to buy the ocassional expensive gift. He has to constantly show how much he appreciates her. He has to be responsible for leading her somewhere. He has to make sure he’s ambitious enough, but needs to be able to figure out how to give her enough time. He has find that balance between being supportive and not being a pushover. He has to occassionally “put her in her place.” He has to deal with swaying emotions. He has to be the protector. He has to be the provider. Be The voice of reason. He has to keep her laughing. He has to “change” on her schedule.

Failure to do any of this….Or if she finds a guy who is willing to do some of what you may not be doing, then she feels that she deserves better or justified in cheating. Or she may just stop putting out because she is no longer attracted. But he still better not cheat or he’s the worst thing since the first coming of Hitler.

A man truly has to be in love to want to sign up for this risky one sided proposition. Many will try and often times succeed at many of the tasks. But she never looks at the hits, but will often highight and even exaggerate the misses. He puts himself on a perpetual treadmill of moving goalposts trying to keep her happy in order to make sure she either doesn’t leave or will continue letting him get the same pussy he’s gotten a million times before.

The “love” is so conditional and many of the women are selfish as fuck these days. They feel entitled to a man doing all of that, yet will do the bare minimum themselves (which again, there wasn’t much we were asking for in the first place). We are willing to take on the financial burden and if necessary, even take on a lifestyle cut to support her and the family…..Yet most women ‘feel’ that they are settling if the shoe were on the other foot.

And despite the one sided nature of this relationship …. even if you do love, adore, cherish, respect, and honor her, it’s not enough. She feels entitled to more and more and more. Failure to give her above and beyond is met with either threats or action on her behalf to leave. She feels that she has either “outgrown” the relationship….or she needs to “grow” and experience more.

They love from a place of “feeling” which is so fickle…..whereas i believe most men love more from a place of “principle” which his more fixed.

To me it’s just not worth the effort. I mean if all of that comes with “wanting” a woman….my homegirl is right kind of right. If it takes all of that just to get her “kat” than I’d rather handle my sexual needs with my hand. Intimacy is cool and all, but seriously, what kind of fool wants to jump through all of those hoops only to be appreciated for “what have you done for me lately”. A fool “in love” that’s who.

Despite the one sided nature of these relationships, I’d almost be willing to do it, but it’s lack of acknowledgment and appreciation that kills me. Once they are done with you, they don’t give a fuck about how you feel in the end. You’re easily discarded like a piece of trash and they rarely if ever feel remorse for losing you. Until they figure out the grass wasn’t actually greener out there and they see you’ve moved on to someone else.

Fractured IRL (advice to “good guys”)

It seems to me that there is a middle ground between blue pilled and red pilled mentality. In other words, redpill guys seem to think that “simping” is the wrong way to get women.

However, it seems that there are certain simping activities that are effective insofar as getting women.

Once you understand women by taking the red pill, it may seem intuitive to do the opposite of what you once did. Instead of treating her like a “queen”…. you want to treat her like shit.

But, tbh, the reason you got her in the first place is because there were certain things you did right.

The OVERALL picture is that the things you did were indeed correct. BUT U FUCKED UP was because the space you did if from was truly from a space of REAL LOVE.

In other words, SIMP game does work, BUT ONLY IF YOU don’t actually mean it.

For some odd reason, women don’t like it if you TRULY LOVE them. But they LOVE it when you pretend that you do. The key is don’t actually mean it … This is why taking advice from a woman isn’t good. They don’t get the bigger picture.

Fake it till u make it….in other words, u can’t actually give fucks if they like u or not. YOU just want the pussy. Not them. Sounds fucked up…and it is….

But guaranteed that CHAD that’s bustin your girl down on a sneaky links tip is ACTING the same way.

U CANNOT LOVE and dedicate your love to a woman. THIS PART SUCKS, but u need to know this.

YOU CANNOT BE IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN. If u are, you lose. UNFORTUNATELY more often than than not….the woman that you are “IN LOVE” with probably doesn’t love u back….no matter what she says.

You can have the women you’re not “in love” with, but again…check yourself….she is probably the better one to settle down with.

BEING IN LOVE is a curse for men. Don’t do it. You cannot have the ONE U truly love.

But as man….LOVE is truly the way. IF SHE TRULY LOVES U, u can live your life honorably, respectfully….AND destined. LUST for the woman you think you are “IN LOVE WITH” is a trap. LOVE who loves you. Honor and RESPECT her.

She won’t take your eyes off of the PRIZE. Your purpose, your dreams, your ambition….

The Grand Delusions of Bad People

Sometimes I have recurring fantasies about STBXW coming back to me and saying how sorry she is and how much she fucked up. For some reason though, in those fantasies, it’s like she says that she apologizes for everything and then I tell her that those apologies aren’t enough. They’re not specific enough.

Apologizing for “everything” isn’t specific enough for me to believe that she really understands what she did wrong, how bad she hurt me, and how much she damaged everything.

To me, she tore down her family and our friendship. You don’t mistreat people who treated you well. It does make you a pretty bad person in my opinion. Sure we all make mistakes, but the difference between good and bad people in my opinion is that good people recognize their mistakes, feel bad about them, and try to make them up….. even if the most they can muster is a sincere apology. Repentance is only possible with understanding.

However bad people never recognize their mistakes and either ignore what they did, use mental gymnastics to justify them, or simply live in denial.

To this day, I don’t understand how she could do such terrible things…..to her own family and yet feel good about herself. How could she think that she deserves a ‘happily ever after’. How does she think that she’s a good/decent person who deserves a good/decent man if she was able to destroy her own family. I never received a real apology outside of the “sorry for everything” apology…. she treats this like she accidentally dropped my phone or something.

I’m thinking that this helped create a sort of trauma bond where I feel that I am owed a real apology. In my mind, she destroyed our family and (I can’t emphasize this enough) despite me not being perfect…..I know that I did not deserve this from her. Our family deserved at least a chance to survive before she single handedly ‘pulled the plug’. From where I stood, our marriage wasn’t even on ‘life support’ or anything. It was as if it went in for a sprained ankle and she decided it was better if she euthanized it.

I was stuck/bonded because I feel that I deserved to be treated better and a part of me thinks that all would be somehow fixed if she ‘came to her senses’ and told me that she was wrong for treating me that way.

I have had to come to the conclusion that either she really doesn’t get it…..or she really is selfish beyond her own understanding. I still don’t understand how, in so many areas, she seems to understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable “moral” behavior, yet she cannot seem to recognize this within herself. How does she sleep at night knowing that she is the cause of another broken home and an active participant in yet another generational curse. How can she claim to champion ideals of “black excellence” and “power couples” when she willfully chooses to abandon her own responsibility as a wife and mother.

I think that a part of me still doesn’t want to believe that she could be so wicked. Yet despite her showing me time and time again (it’s been at least 6 years of this shit), something in me still finds it hard to cope with the idea that she indeed is capable and willing to jump out the windows like that….with no remorse no less.

Even from a perspective of karma, what you put out there comes back on you, you’d think that she could recognize that if I did this to someone, I can’t complain if someone does it back to me.

I’ve come to the point to realize that she is dealing with other men and there is nothing I can do about it except divorce. I finally have the paperwork and will complete it this week. Yet what kind of man would accept this behavior from a woman. At least insofar as taking her seriously above anything more than a side chick. She has no honor or respect for her own family. Is she lying to them about the nature of our marriage? Does she tell them the truth about how things went down between us? What kind of woman feels that it’s ok to be a side chick. If she has no empathy for the main woman (as she has proven at least twice already), has no empathy or respect for her own husband (who by most accounts is a decent man), and no regrets about blowing up her own family for own selfish wants…..then how would any man fall for such a woman.

If anything, he may use her for the benefits, but he’d probably never take her seriously. Then again, if he is so degenerate as to cheat on his woman, then his mentality could be as such that he would take a chance on such a woman. My best conclusion is that like attracts like and even though they might start off good, eventually their lack of morals would catch up to them. Either she’ll cheat on him or he’ll do something dirty to her. There is a good chance that the relationship cannot sustain itself.

Had she pulled such disrespect on some men and she caused as much pain to him as she did to me, then his emotional instability could cause him to go ape shit on her ass. I’ve had bad thoughts about her and at one time, I did want to make her feel the pain that she inflicted on to me. Especially considering that she was unapologetic about it. The protector in me wanted see her as an enemy because not only is she hurting me, she also risks our child’s mental health. But I’m a glad that I was able to internalize all of that without emotionally responding. Not all men have that and if she does end up with an emotionally unstable guy who acts out of his hurt….she may be in for a bad time.

In the end though, I don’t feel bad about losing her. If she is capable of such vile acts and disrespect to her own family no less, then she isn’t worth keeping. I take solace in knowing that I did not lose a ‘good’ woman. Good women don’t destroy their homes. They don’t cheat, they try to save their marriages and families, and if they couldn’t they’d leave. If they made a mistake, they’d recognize and try to either fix it. Something in them would not allow them to go to the extreme measures that she did without provocation. And even if they felt provoked or if they ‘had’ to commit these acts, they’d still feel some remorse. She would have sympathy for other women and not try to ‘steal’ a man from his home…and take them out of their children’s household. Then again, if she didn’t even see the value of her own nuclear household, why would she see value in another?

A good woman / wife loves her family. She would have done something to try and save/ salvage it…..not leave it based on superficial / materialistic/ lustful desires. This female I that I married wasn’t a wife. She belonged to the streets,but hid it from me. She is a chameleon. So in hindsight, I guess that it wouldn’t be surprising if she could trick/trap another guy into thinking that she is indeed a “wife.”

Perhaps me thinking that she’ll once day see the error in her ways is just a fantasy. If she had the capacity / wisdom/ or understanding of a real wife, then we wouldn’t be here in the first place. She’s not young and she’s set in her ways. She must protect the false image that she has of herself. Her ego won’t allow her to see/feel the damage she has really done in order to protect itself…. so that apology may never come….

How could I have made such a mistake? How do I move forward without exposing her real side to our kid? I don’t want to teach him that you simply give up on marriage and your family. That as a protector, your duty comes to your family first. I want him to know that marriage isn’t always easy, but cases of repeated infidelity or abuse are deal breakers. Yet I cannot teach this to him without implicating her. How would knowledge of what she did affect his mentality. She created such a fucked up scenario that I see no clear path. She doesn’t seem to understand the difficulty she created….and quite frankly probably doesn’t even care.

Breathing Again

Whew….damn it’s been a long road. I’m still recovering from the betrayal of my ex wife. I have no idea how people stay and make it work.

Falling in love/ simping should come with a warning label, caution: Side effects may include, suicidal thoughts, intense emotional distress, compulsive overthinking, mistrust of the opposite sex, emotional unavailability, loss of confidence, self destructive behavior, loss of self respect, increased use of alcohol, and years of therapy. This does not also include to loss of time with your kids, the destruction of your household, and the possibility that your finances will take a huge cut.

This has been an arduous journey to say the least. I watched a video yesterday where this guy was telling an interviewer that he in addition to 3 men he knew were contemplating suicide during their divorces. I wonder to what extent they were also betrayed.

My homegirl and I decided to take a break from the relationship debate for a while. Her attitude towards leaving a marriage due to ‘unhappiness’ is a real turn off for me and a trigger. She says that I have issues….and in certain ways, she’s right, but I don’t think she truly understands what a man risks emotionally and psychologically should a woman whimsically decide that she needs to move on.

She keeps referring me to these videos about ‘husbands’ giving advice about keeping your marriage in tact. I pretty much followed those guidelines in mine (at least in principle) and it still failed. Those guys are in a for a huge awakening if theirs’ fail….especially if they truly love and adore their wives the way that I did mine.

Yeah, I will take ownership and say that perhaps it’s on me that I picked bad. Despite not seeing the ‘red flags’ in the beginning, it was ultimately a choice that I made. But the lesson that I got was that a man should not get THAT invested into a woman. To not love her with your whole heart…..and right now, I’m not seeing the benefits of marrying a person who you don’t love with your whole heart.

My homegirl’s rather cavelier attitude towards happiness being the primary goal of marriage seems contradictory to me. I sent her a video about Tia Mowry’s divorce from her husband and the explanation she gave…..basically saying that she felt it was just time for her to ‘graduate’ from that relationship and move on to other things.

T (my friend)says that she feels that happiness is the primary goal of a marriage. I once told her that me and kiddo were happy in the marriage, but apparently STBXW wasn’t so she decided to blow up our family in search of her own. In my opinion it seems that Tia did basically the same thing. My homegirl was getting on to me asking how it was fair for STBXW to be unhappy, but me and kiddo were.

For me, the answer is that happiness comes from within. She was waiting on external circumstances to bring her ‘happiness’ and because she felt that she’d feel happy where she thought the grass was greener at, she brought unhappiness upon herself. We had a good situation, much better than many marriages from an objective standpoint. But from her subjective point of view, our marriage was “miserable.” How? When we didn’t argue/fight much, had financial stability, lived in a great area, and had no abuse nor infidelity and both split the household duties.

If anything I had reason to complain when the sex started falling off. Or when she had inappropriate conversations with a male friend. Or her lack of transparency and failure to communicate her needs to me. I could have complained that she worked too much and put too much focus on her job rather than spending time with us. But I know she did what she felt like she needed to do and I couldn’t conceive of standing in the way of her ‘happiness’ if that’s what made her feel happy.

Yet and still, despite having all of the basic building blocks of a good marriage, her believing she somehow ‘deserved’ better made her ‘feel’ unhappy. And now we all suffer because of her lack of foresight, misplaced values, and entitled attitude.

To me, this is no excuse to destroy your family and even though she likes to use the buzz word ‘black excellence’…..it sucker punches it right in the face because black excellence “in my opinion” STARTS in the HOME. Raising and keeping your family together is the minimal requirement for that. Standards, values, traditions, honor, respect are more important than the nice HOUSE, fancy vacations, luxury cars, and gram worthy pics. The former being the excellence part, the latter being a possible secondary side effect.

But maybe I do feel entitled. I mean, I’m not the stereotypical black guy (from NYC) she’s probably accustomed to. I’m not as dominant. I am really quite laid back. I’m not flashy. I never even owned a pair of jordans. I’m not money hungry nor materialistic. My opinions on overt consumerism and ideas of working to buy things you don’t need to impress people who don’t like you are simply my opinions on the matter. In the end, maybe we were just not compatible.

I don’t know if this is a chicken or egg scenario…..but I’m not sure if the reason we can’t talk now is indicative that we were never really ‘cool’ like that to begin with or if it’s because she betrayed me. On one hand, you’d think that if we were connected like that, no matter what, our interactions would be organically satisfying on some level. Even if I had to cut her off in order to maintain my boundaries. Was our ‘chemistry’ broken…. or maybe it was never there to begin with.

To be honest, I’m really thinking the latter. The truth is that we just aren’t compatible like that no matter how you slice it. We never really were. This may be a reason I always felt like I was stepping on eggshells and couldn’t be my ideal self around her. I couldn’t just “let my hair” down so to speak and release all of my inhibitions unless there was a heavy amount of alcohol involved. I was comfortable….but I rarely found myself engaging in an ongoing conversation where it just felt, … natural.

To be fair, my social anxiety may have played a role in this. But to add perspective, I have had friendships/relationships where I did feel …. accepted and didn’t have that internal struggle to find the ‘right’ thing to say. Our interactions and conversations just happened like a pleasant form of hiccups. We can talk and talk for hours without ever feeling the need to stop or if we do, the silences don’t feel awkard….or if they do get awkward, it’s just easy to pick back up from where we left off.

Perhaps I was forcing things based on my projections of who I hoped she was as a person, my intense physical attraction to her, and fact that seemed to accept me at the time. But the truth is, we never really clicked like that.

Because this is so rare for me to find, I don’t really expect it from most people. I mean, I’m used to it now…. but it is quite rare to just find a person that I just ‘click’ with. Where I can take my ‘mask’ off and just be ‘me’. A person who I like talking to because I want to know what I’m going to say next. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

I do yearn for that in a partner. I’ve learned that I cannot force it, no matter how much she may accept me nor if the mutual attraction is there. It does make me wonder though if there is more that I can do on my part though to be able to have this type of social confidence with more people. Then again, there didn’t seem anything outstanding or particularly special about the people I have had this with though.

Finding a woman with this quality … along with having mutual attraction, similar goals, values, and not in a relationship would seem to require quite a bit of luck. But I think that I’d just ‘know’ with a few interactions with them. I’m not opposed to getting married again, and despite being scared shitless of falling in love again…..i do think that for the ‘right’ person (based on those qualities) she’d be worth taking a chance on. I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking. She could be anywhere and I may have passed ‘her’ dozens of times, but I wouldn’t know it because I just didn’t take the time to stop and talk to her.

Me and STBXW just aren’t compatible. She love bombed me into thinking that we were….or maybe at one time, she came close to what I had been looking for. Or maybe she truly changed.

Over-Zealous NeoPhyte

I’m trying to save the world one conversation at a time. Now that I’ve awakened to see the world in this ‘way’, it appears that I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. Conversations with women about relationships have made me realize that many don’t really / can’t really get what I’m saying and aren’t open to hearing it. There is no point in arguing because once I point out the logical fallacies or inconsistencies in their reasoning, they continue to do them anyway. Analogies end up with them focusing on the finger pointing to the moon, rather than the moon itself. Instead of an exchange of ideas, it becomes a matter of “being RIGHT” in the end. Perhaps it’s my delivery or maybe it’s so outside of what they internally believe that can’t even consider what I’m saying. I think I am on to something because I used to think just like them so I almost know what they are going to say, before they even say it.

I do over-think.

But I just realized that that my view on modern women is somewhat new for me. As almost anyone who has had a shift in their ideology, I want to argue with people about theirs. I gotta stop that. Leave it alone and allow them to either come to the same conclusions on their own or just do what makes them happy. Or stop encroaching the topic all tother. As of late though, I’ve been sort of gung ho about spreading redpill awareness.

When I first became agnostic, I used to go into christian forums and debate them all day and night. It was fun for while, but I realized that all of the reasoning, resarch, and logic didn’t really mean a hilll of beans when tyring to convince them of my beliefs. I finally gave up and at this point, I don’t share my opinions on the topic unless spsecifically asked.

I need to do this about my views on modern women. I should just let them have theirs and keep mine to myself unless specifically asked. The reason I stopped arguing with christians is because, despite having the intention of having them question their beliefs and not necessarily change them, I realized that it is nearly an impossible task. I make sense to me….and i know what i thought like back then… when approached by an atheist back when I was younger, I was NOT hearing what he said and I remember despite not having an answer for the questions I never considered, i didn’t even consider the possibility that I could be wrong.

So despite my attempts to walk through, step by step my arguments with someone’s views, it should not be surprising that they still walk away without gaining the slightest bit of understanding. Even if it isn’t my primary goal to ‘convert’ them.

This idea also stands for STBXW. Despite me telling her time and time again, showing her examples, giving analogies, and her not having a reasonable response….she still insists on doing things ‘her’ way. I’ve learned that there is no point in arguing with grown people. They are just gonna do and think what they want anyway.

Besides, I could be wrong.