Masterpiece Mouthpiece

The gift of gab is the main talent that I wish that I possessed. People who are able to riff on on and on about anything seem to have an uncanny ability to influence the people and world around them. I know people who seem to never run out of things to say. One down side is that many can never seem to shut the fuck up and always have to say something. However, the downsides would be worth the benefits in my opinion.

I seem to have the opposite problem. Instead of always talking, I seem to rarely have anything to say. Even when I want to talk, it’s like my mind can’t think of anything. When it’s my turn to talk, my mind sort of defaults to answering questions directly or saying very obvious things without much added context. I don’t know why this is.

Talking and humor seem to be this weird ass phenomena that seems to simple and yet it blows me. It’s not like when people are talking, they say things that blow my mind. They are JUST WORDS. English. I’ve been speaking it since a child. I comprehend very well. And yet, words seem to elude me when I have to just talk. Humor is the same way, I can laugh at jokes. Like, I get it. I even catch many of the double and triple entendres that great rappers spit when speaking. I recognize the humor in them. I’ve even explained jokes to people that went over their heads. Given enough time, i can ocassionally come up with ‘funny’ ish, especially when texting. I can find the humor in all sorts of comedians, even some of the less popular ones.

Yet it seems that I cannot recreate them on my own in real time. What the fuck is that? I know a lot of words and phrases. I mean I can speak coherent sentences. It’s like playing an instrument where it takes tons and tons of practice. It would be like if I carried a guitar around every day and plucked the strings, but after 40 something years of living, could recognize a song, but still couldn’t play a damned thing. I’m literally sitting here using words to express ideas as I type this.

I really think that this is my biggest problem in life. I’m not really shy. I wouldn’t mind being the center of attention IF I had a ‘voice’. The main cause of any kind of social anxiety is normally based on the fact that I worry that I won’t have anything to say. Even with my close family, who I don’t think ‘judge’ me, still, I still can’t just let my words take over.

If I’m honest, I think that this problem has been the root of all sorts of evils in my life. The only reason I started drinking and smoking weed was because it was the only time I was able to talk freely. Luckily, cocaine has always been a bit difficult for me to come by else I might have succumb to the temptation more often. Ecstacy is also a drug that allows me to express myself verbally. To be honest I don’t understand why some people who have this gift drink so much. The only reason I drink as often as I do is so that I can sometimes talk to people.

What the fuck is it? This has been a problem for most of my life. In college, I remember going to the computer lab and spending hours on hours on the internet looking for possible solutions. There, I learned about anxiety disorders, social anxiety, hell, I even thought that low self esteem was the cause. You could say that I majored in pop psychology. I could literally write a book on the subject. However, if anything, my esteem is lowered because of the issue. I don’t talk because I have low self esteem, I have low self esteem because I don’t talk. I know this. I looked into getting SSRI’s and all sorts of medication to help. It does somewhat, but drinking along with it seems to fully dissipate my ‘muteness’.

I’ve missed out on so many women because of this. I’m a fairly decent looking / handsome guy (from what I’m told) and I can only imagine if I had the words/game/charisma to go with it. In fact, if I’m honest, most of the women I was able to successfully seduce came because most of our interactions involved alcohol. I just feel different, but I can’t explain how exactly. Of course, I can’t stay drunk or do drugs all the time for obvious reasons.

If I’m really, really honest, I believe that it’s the main reason why my stbxw fell out of love with me. I think it’s also part of why I fear falling in love again. I thought she loved me for me and even though, sometimes my selective mutism is worse than others, I thought that it was something I was close to overcoming. This is why I cannot recommend using alcohol as a crutch as I’m a different person when sober. It doesn’t help that her family is full of people who have this gift.

I often find myself disagreeing with some of the points of people who talk easily so it’s not like I think they’re some super geniuses or something. I do admire the ability, but I don’t think they are all superior to me intellectually. I may not be a genuis, but I am at the very least competent intellectually. I’m not mesmerized to the point of thinking that they are superior to me in every aspect of life.

Who knows how many opportunities I’ve missed out on professionally due to this? Due to the way that I look, I think that people expect certain leadership qualities out of me. I’ve been given plenty of opportunites based on this. When people say that looks matter, I can say that it will open certain doors for you, but it’s your verbal game that will see you through. In fact, I think that game is more important than money, looks, and status when it comes to getting and keeping women. The latter three can get your foot in the door, but the former can get your foot in and as well as get you a permanent residence.

I don’t know what to say. A lifetime of this has kept me pretty humble It’s like hell on earth sometimes. It’ like the heavens are just arms length away and yet I can never reach them.

Intuitively, it feels like just one or two things have to just “click” in my mind and I got it. It’s like I’m on the verge of having it. I know that I can do it, as I’ve done it when under the influence. Yet when sober and it gets down to it, the best way I can describe it as a mental misfire. I hate that part. How is it that people can just effortlessly do this so often and yet I struggle so much. Even some “stupid” people with no logic, reasoning or sense seem to do this better.

I’ve tried self hypnosis, but so far, to no avail. I read a lot on pick up (how to get women)….but those are only lines and theories about “frame”. It’s not effortless like ‘naturals’. To me, it seems that some people can just talk as easily as they breathe. It just seems so easy and natural and yet, it’s like something is holding me back.

I’ve looked into learning improv games, tried break down jokes into their elements, learned about punchlines and timing, and all sorts of other comedic techniques. I’ve tried to study comedians to see how they funny. And yet, nothing seems to stick. Plus it seems to just be natural for some people. I’m not trying to be a comedian so to speak, just a person who says funny shit sometimes and can communicate more often in the language of words as opposed to silence.

I”m not conscious of any ‘pressure’ to have to say something most of the time, but yet it would be nice to be able to be more normal in this regard. It’s as if spiritually, I’m disconnected or something. Like a frequency that I can’t quite tune into for some reason. I sometimes wonder if I’m just high on the autistic spectrum. But even still, I’m pretty empathic and am pretty good at reading social queues.

I’m a “nice guy” because in general the best response when you can’t think of anything else to say is to be nice. I mostly like most people and see no reason to be an asshole simply because my mind isn’t producing the words. I’ll disagree when necessary, but don’t expect riveting response advocating my position unless asked. I know the difference between people seeking comfort and people seeking advice.

I really hate being one of those poeple who people like, but feel like a charity case because I am so nice. What gives?

Man, I dunno, I just wish that I could think of things to say.

Why is it taking so long to manifest?

I’ve been listening to a lot of law of attraction videos over the past few years. I’m learning how to consciously manifest my reality.

Here are a few assumptions of my learnings:

1)We always manifest the conditions of our lives (purposefully or not)

2)We can choose what to manifest in our lives by imagining/feeling the desired outcomes prior to them happening in the real world

3)It may take some time and we don’t necessarily determine “how” it will happen, but just have faith that it will.

4)Internal faith should be more powerful than what external circumstances may presently show us.

5)We may contain limiting beliefs in our subconscious that prevent us from manifesting reality in the way we desire.

I could go into details about each of these assumptions, but for the sake of brevity, I’ll say that I decided to put these assumptions in to action. To do this, I would go into a meditative state….and visualize the outcomes I desire as if I already had them.

I desire a 2021 Dodge Ram 1500 sports edition pickup. I went to the dealership and looked inside of the truck. I touched it, took a picture in my cell phone. Imagined myself sitting inside of it. Cranking it up. Hearing the engine start. I imagined the feel of seats against my body. The “new car” smell. I imagined rolling the windows down and feeling the wind against my face. I imagined gripping the steering wheel. I imaged how it would “feel” to know that I owned this truck. I suspended all forms of disbelief thinking that I cannot afford this and in fact, that it really didn’t cost me anything significant price wise. I felt gratitude for owning this truck. I tried to imagine every detail of the experience having and owning this truck.

It’s been a few weeks, and so far, it seems (from my 5 senses) that I’m no closer to getting this truck than I was when I first started doing this. It’s not that I’m discouraged, but it has me wondering why it takes longer for somethings than another.

After learning of these techniques, I have also applied them to making love to my lover. And coincidentally or not, I’ve heard her say things that I imagined she would. I’ve even tried some of them on my wife. From a sexual aspect. It seemed to work as I had to tell her “just kidding” once or twice. Dunno what the fuck is up with that. Quick digression, I don’t know what I want from her specifically in this relationship, so I don’t know how to manifest other things from her though, but that’s another topic.

In addition to the truck thing, I’ve also tried to manifest, “being funny” and talkative. Perhaps I can do better with this. I’ll try again this afternoon and see if I can actually get people to laugh. It seems to work on my lover as before we talk, I try to consciously say to myself. “This is going to be a good/funny conversation.” It always is, but i do need to remember to show gratitude at the end. I say to myself really quickly before sex that it’s going to be amazing….and it is.

The thing in those situations is that I’m not really going all out to visualize the events leading up to the outcome, but mostly how I would like to feel after the event is over. It ony takes a few seconds….right before the event and it seems that I don’t have to continuously dwell upon the outcome in order to experience it.

The desired outcomes also work when driving ride share. When I remember, I consciously tell myself in my mind “I like you, you like me, this is going to be fun.” And the conversation is pleasant and interesting. Of course, for the sake of integrity, I will say that it could possibly be the case that I’m counting the hits and forgetting the misses. Still though, I do beleive that this effect, whether placebo or not seems to have something to the success of getting an desired outcome.

I once wanted a 1998 Toyota 4 runner. There was one for sale in a lot near an apartment complex I used to live in. I used to walk up there and look at it. I walked around it. I looked inside of it. I thought of how much I’d like to have one even though at the time, I didn’t have a plan to get it. A few months later, I won a scratch off lottery ticket for 50k. After taxes an so forth, it was around 32k. I wasn’t going to buy one since I already had a car, but mysteriously one day (i still have no idea how this happened) while getting a haircut it caught on fire while I was inside of the shop. Due to that fact, I found and bought the exact year and model Toyota 4runner cash for a great price.

I’m a tech person and whenever a new piece of tech comes out that I deeply desire, no matter the cost, it seems that something in me knows that I will have it. I usually end up getting it.

But the thing is that it doesn’t seem to take all of that visualization and imagination. I didn’t take much time in thinking about winning the scratch off though I do recall thinking how dope it would be that weekend if I did. I met a chick once before my wife who really wanted to get with. She was engaged, but a few months later, I ended up meeting my stbxw who looked (physically) like her.

I guess the thing that I’m trying to figure out is …it seems that I’ve manifested unexpected things in my past, but yet how? It seems that I’m getting some results now, but why not with others. The main difference so far is that it seems that I didn’t / don’t spend too much time dwelling on the desired outcome in the form of visualization or imagination.

It seems that I simply state what I want right beforehand (in my mind) and create a quick mental image of how it would feel once I had it. Perhaps this is the key. Maybe all the rest (meditative state/visualization etc) is too much. I’ll test it out this afternoon and see how it works.

The specific technique is to

1)articulate specifically what I want the desired outcome to be in my mind

2)imagine what it feels like to have it fulfilled

I’m not shy, but here’s the thing

I think that my biggest problem has always been a lack of game. Game is pretty much speaking and acting in a certain way to people. It’s a form of small talk I suppose, but with humor and wit added in. A lot of times, I often find myself befuddled for words in this type of setting in general. This is so strange to me because I consider myself pretty smart. I don’t have a problem keeping up with conversations in my mind. I can hear funny shit and laugh. I can roast the shit out of people when i get warmed up. I can even say some pretty clever things when i freestyle and get warmed up ( i mention this for an important reason). People rarely say anything mind blowing or unheard of to me in every day conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I can answer questions and ask them. I’m not a complete mute. Ironically, one of my strong suites is creating rapport as I am a pretty good listener and my energy is calm. I tend to over think things, so I do consider things from several perspectives before giving my honest opinion.

But as far as quick thinking and witty banter goes, I don’t know why the words just won’t come (unless I’ve been drinking). It’s not like I feel nervous or anything. I don’t feel like i have anything to hide. I don’t feel that my opinion is irrelevant no any more or less important than anyone else’s.

I don’t think that witty banter or conversation should be that hard tbh. I mean I can follow along and follow the reasoning behind what others say. I don’t really think that they are more intelligent than me (on average). TBH, some people sometimes say some stupid shit, but it doesn’t seem to bother them or stop their flow.

But for me though, it’s like my brain just can’t think of anything to say. I don’t even worry about saying it aloud as many people have adapted to the fact that I usually don’t say much. But damn, i usually can’t even think of a snarky comeback or something that adds to the conversation outside of regular mundane small talk. I don’t think that they hate me, but I probably wouldn’t be they guy they’d want to go out and have a beer with.

This has been something that I’ve known since I was a child. I read ton’s of self help books /articles in and since college trying to figure this out. From my online research (google university) i could suffer from anything from: general depression, social anxiety, social phobia, maybe I’m slightly autisitic, too much masturbation (pre semen retention days), maybe I lack confidence, maybe I’m a beta male, maybe some people were born with the gift of gab and others not so much, maybe i give too many fucks, maybe I give too few. Who the fuck really knows. I have no clue and all of it could be right or wrong.

But this has been a real problem for me and I hate it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so socially weird that I stand out like a sore thumb and I usually have enough autonomy and social acumen that I can generally get out of social situations before everyone figures it out. I mean, I can talk to people. But it’s more cringe or business than fun and most of the time. I usually walk away feeling worse about myself for a few minutes. There have been a few people in my life who i actually have fun with, but these people are rare to find. But the cool thing is that once we made that bond and reconnect years later, it’s like we’re right back to where we were. It’s effortless.

My therapist asked why it was such a big deal to me. I hate when they ask stupid questions like he doesn’t know the answer to it. As a man (especially a black man) he should know that there is so much pressure to have the right things to say. People subconsciously judge you a lot on that. I honestly think that part of the reason why my stbxw is unhappy with me is because of my slow tongue. I do also feel that I have missed out getting certain jobs or promotions because of this.

I do think that looks are very important. I’m not a bad looking guy and I know that I’ve been given a lot of grace when it comes to women and opportunity because of that. Plus my ability to gain rapport with people in a one on one setting helps. But I come across as a “nice guy.” I am so cordial because I really can’t think of anything else to say most of the time. And we know how that goes. On the flip side, i think that most women expect me to be able to talk better than I do and probably get disappointed when I don’t.

Wins and losses, but at least now I know that i can never really love a woman for real because once she finds out my “secret” she’ll lose attraction. Women love men who talk and when you don’t talk like that, you don’t appear “confident”. I do feel confident, capable, and competent enough as a man overall. It’s just this inability to “talk” or be more “clever” that vexes me.

I do know that I would do way better with women if i could talk better. But I cannot drink alcohol all the time though. I’ve turned to drugs in the past to help with this. I’ve even tried anti depressants. Maybe I didn’t give them enough time to work, but the real reason I was so depressed was because of this condition.

This shit is so fucking frustrating. I read, hear words, and think them to myself all damned day. Yet when it’s time to speak them, I can’t think of the right ones (outside of the cordial shit) to say. Like my brain draws a blank. Like there’s a misfire or something in my head.

The reason why I mentioned roasting and rapping earlier is because i think I’ve discovered a natural way to possibly over come this. I noticed that if I get into a flow if I’m roasting someone or freestyling, the words just come from nowhere. I don’t have to think of what to say, it just comes out.

Maybe good banter comes from a similar vibe. I’m trying to figure out how to do it. I mean I am thinking to myself all the time, but why doesn’t that translate in to better conversations though? Maybe if i consciously roast and freestyle in my head, when it’s time to talk, i’ll be in the right space.

I’ve been at this for 30 something years now. Maybe today will be the day I finally figure this shit out.