No reciprocity

In my experience, women want a man who worships the ground they walk on.  They feel that they deserve a man who sees noone but them.   They want the ride or die guy who will always have their backs.    The guy who isn’t a pushover, but will be there for them always.  Good times and bad.

The problem is that they are unwilling to reciprocate.   They want that unwavering, undying, unrelenting love, but they don’t want to feel ‘obligated’ to return the favor.   They want to opportunity to move and and find better opportunities should they present themselves.

In ancient Japan, the samurai were a class of warrior who dedicated their lives to a Shogun.   It was honorable for them to fight and even die for their master even though they were seen as disposable tools for a greater cause.  That cause often being the wishes, ambitions, or desires of the Shogun.

At one time, during my blue pill days, I was like the samurai and my wife (woman) was like the shogun.   It wasn’t until i realized that she wouldn’t do the same for me that I realized that I’m wasting my time here.

The whole idea that men should pursue women is dumb and blue pill men need to wake up to the fact that if she isn’t pursuing you, or if it isn’t reciprocal, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on.

In fact, while they want this, if you give it to them, then they have it and it’s no longer something they want.   They want the chase.  Again, falling in love means that you lose the edge and power.   It’s not that they want love, they want the power of having someone to fall in love with them.

Once they have this power, I believe that they subconsciously begin to lose respect and attraction to you.    This is why they are drawn to narcisstic personality types as those types never really fall in love.  You have to be emotionally cold and borderline mentally abusive (cruel) in order for them be attracted/drawn to you.   They want you to lie, make false promises, use them for sex, objectify, and be able to discard them easily while pretending to give a shit.  In other words, your ‘worship’ can’t be sincere, just strong enough to pull her in.  The pursuit isn’t because you love her, but it’s because want to conquer her so to speak.   In the end, it’s just a game, so any attempts, failed or successful are just a means to an end.   The end being having domination, not reciprocal love.

There is no such thing.

I’ve noticed that women generally always say that they ‘loved’ men who did this to them in the past.   It’s like a badge of honor or rite of passage for them.    Many will tell you that they will ALWAYS love these men, even though they know that they can’t be with them.

Good men….what I mean is Good “hearted” men don’t really stand a chance out here.   No matter what women tell you.   They believe they want a good hearted man, but in reality, they are repelled by these men.    It’s as if they want to be ‘abused’ or ‘used’ in order to make them feel validated somehow.    It’s a really fucked up mindset, even moreso because most don’t even realize this is what they respond to.

For this reason, you can’t really listen to what she says.   You have to look at what she responds to.   No matter how logical or reasonable she sounds, it appears that she can’t escape her nature.   She won’t admit to it because she’s completely ignorant of it.

While most of this theory (for me anyway) comes from circumstantial evidence, anecdotal stories, and other men’s testimonies, I need to determine for myself once and for all through personal experience.

The question though is How in the hell do you become a ‘bad boy’ without jeopardizing your personal success.    How can I treat her ‘bad’ if it’s always been my nature to want to treat them well.

It’s hard for me to use people.   I mean balance and reciprocity is one of my fundamental beliefs.   How can I learn to overcome that aspect of my nature and just use them for my own personal convenience.    How can I learn to truly objectify them without feeling shitty about it?    Even if it does work and they do respond well, I’d never be able to have the love with someone I’d want.  But i suppose that the lesson here is there is something wrong with the way that I ‘love’ women.

Maybe because it is what they truly want, I’m not really incurring much karmic debt.   The truth being that this is actually how to “love” a woman.    I’m incapable of enjoying ‘loving’ them if that’s the case.

As twisted as it sounds, it’s as if I have to be the  fun, sweet, but heartless asshole in order give them that experience of love and attraction in exchange for great sex. It’s a fair trade.    I guess that’s how ‘reciprocity’ works in the game of love.

From now on, it’s no longer about love, it’s about attraction and self respect.   Love is just for self, (non sexual) real friends, and family.

 

 

 

 

The other side of the pillow

 

I had conversation with a female friend and she was explaining how hard it is for a woman to find a good man.   She told me how she, her friends, and the women at the beauty shop felt that men wanted only the ‘crazy’ women and the ‘bad bitches.’   That being nice or good to a man usually granted them a one way ticket to heartbreak.   How she’s at the point that she thinks that she should stop being so accommodating to the men in her life.  It was as if she felt that she had to impress him in order to get or keep him interested.

The cognitive dissonance with these women are something else.   While I won’t discount cognitive dissonance as a minor thing (perception being ‘reality’ and all), it’s really amazing how they can’t use their minds to see how easy they have it.

After listening to her ‘complaints’ about men, I had to inquire about what kind of men she found attractive in the first place and how it was that so many men out here (such as myself) have had the issue of not being able to keep a woman happy for long.

There seems to be an underground gender war where either one or both sides are misinformed, in denial about reality, or really just being dishonest.   I told her that most men, at least the ‘good’ ones I’ve met don’t like ‘bad bitches’.   In fact, we like women who are down to earth.   We might be attracted to certain physical characteristics, but that’s not enough to keep us interested long term.   That attraction and respect are two different things for us.   That just because a man might desire sex with you doesn’t mean that he wants to be with you.  But of course she knew that already.

I reminded her that women were the gatekeepers to sex.   Most men aren’t going to turn down NSA sex with a woman.   I ran the scenario that if we both went out to a bar that night and made a bet on who’d get laid first, who would win?   She said she thought I would.

There is something really wrong with this scenario if she actually thinks that.   Either I’ve really underestimated how easy it is to lay women or she’s really underestimating  how thirsty most men are.    Given the fact that she already says that men will screw almost anything, it leads me to believe that she’s just in denial.

I had to remind her how we as men have to do ALL of the heavy lifting.   We have to approach, entertain, be interesting, maintain the conversation, make her laugh, make her feel comfortable, (buy drinks, if you’re into that kind of thing), make plans, ask for her number, put ourselves out there and risk rejection.    We have to pretty much lead the interaction, deal with subconscious shit tests from her and many times, her friends.  We put in work.

All she had to do was not be a bitch, show a little encouragement, and sometimes laugh at a joke or two.   Just basically show interest and not make us feel like a damn fool.    I wanted to seriously ask if it was really that hard for women to not be a bitch.  I mean all she has to do is be…ya know, normal.    She didn’t have to tell jokes, entertain, nor lead the interaction.   Just be normal.  She was the judge, jury, and executor.    We were and are at her mercy.    It’s only the guys who get used to rejection who don’t really feel that pressure.    But for the most part, most men don’t really have that much experience and game and many will not approach.

If at any moment in the interaction, she felt uncomfortable, felt like abusing her power, or simply loses interest, we faced the possibility of taking the blow to our ego.  Especially if we liked her.   Sometimes it’s even worse to receive those initial attraction signals, only to have her lose it once we start talking to her.    Rejection sucks and for the most part, she is holding all the cards.

The ones who can approach and make it seem like a movie or something as opposed to kind of awkward are often very successful with a lot of women.   Hence, players.    Some are just charming like that, but most often it comes from years of gaming.

I then asked her about the type of men she liked and she seemed to kind of struggle with the answer.    She said she liked ‘nice’ men with laid back personalities similar to hers.   But later, she admitted that she liked ‘good looking’ guys which to me is about as subjective as it gets.  I did feel like We did get somewhere when she said that she should probably think a little more about the answer to that question though.

Are most women really that oblivious?   I mean she’s a fairly attractive woman.   She has a great shape and decent face.  It wouldn’t seem that hard for her to attract a man.  She has a decent job, pretty decent personality, is quite intelligent, fairly funny and can laugh at herself.   I’m not sure where the insecurity comes from, but to fair, I wonder if the majority of decent women feel like her.

Another interesting view was her take on cheating.   While be both agreed that cheating was a very lousy thing to do to someone.  She said that women hurt more over and were more humiliated over it.   That men generally don’t give second chances and it seemed unfair that if she cheated, she might be inclined to forgive (depending on the scenario), but men will never forgive.

My take was that it is men who stand to lose more if their woman cheats.   When a man cheats, it’s pretty much his fault.   When a woman cheats, it’s pretty much assumed that it’s his fault.    Even worse for a man is the fact that it often directly insinuates that he “must not be hitting it right” if he seems like a decent guy overall. At the very least, he did something wrong.    A woman could be decent by all appearances and him cheating generally has ‘nothing’ to with her.

Plus, in general, if the new man is more skilled  and more endowed than the old, a woman won’t feel as much pleasure if she goes back to the old.   As men, the increased pleasure factor for us is mostly due the to ‘newness’ of it all.    He could go back to his woman and the sex in general will feel the same.  Worst case scenario for her is that the ‘new’ woman knows a few more tricks, but those skills can be learned if she’s willing.

Our biggest fear is that he ‘filled’ her in a way that we never could and it hits us right at our ego.   She might be powerless to resist if decides to come back later on and remembers how much ‘better’ he was.  If she cheated before, what’s to stop her from doing it again, especially if we can’t satisfy her sexually as much as the next man can.

While she weakly dismissed the assertion that this could be the case, she did acknowledge that this really could happen at the same time.    Even if she doesn’t cheat again, it’s always the possibility that she’s thinking about him.   IT plays right into our pride to know that another man has been in her.   It feels like she was violated in a way and that she should could never “enjoy” us the same again.

It’s already tough to acknowledge that there is the possibility that one of her ex’s or former bodies might be way better, but even harder when you’re thinking that she cheated due to you not ‘being enough’ in that area.    We don’t have much control over that and while technique can take you far, I personally wonder how far can it really take you?… and can she be honest about it without hurting our feelings knowing that we’d feel a certain way.

What I took from this conversation with my friend is that (unless she’s lying) that many women are way more insecure than I thought when it comes to sex, relationships, and attraction.   I also took away that there is somewhat of an innocent naivety in their outlook of the bigger picture in sex and dating.   Their ignorance of their own nature is due to just not thinking about it in terms of the struggle of the ‘average’ or regular guy.

The guys they are attracted to have this ‘factor’ and if they’ve mostly dealt with these types of guys, it’s only natural to assume that most men have it like that.    It also reaffirms the redpill 80/20 rule.    That 80% of the women are screwed by like 20% of the men on average.  It’s an attraction issue.

It explains why there are so many men are out here complaining that women don’t really give them a chance and when they do, they often get monkey branched.    While women complain that ‘men ain’t shit.’

It’s not that most men ‘ain’t shit’.  It’s just that women are mostly attracted to the “ain’t shit” men while ignoring or friend zoning the decent ones who would make good husbands or boyfriends.    At the same time,  those good guys who have gotten their hearts broken realize that what woman say they want isn’t what works.  We become emotionally unavailable (not out of bitterness or hurt, but because we know what happens from experience) which ironically makes us more attractive…. even if they won’t admit it.

Or maybe most of us just suck at sex.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last Place

This nice guy/good guy finish last is really real out here.    You seriously have to be a freaking asshole.   Not in the sense of cursing women out and treating them badly (although I hear it does actually work), but in the sense of being dishonest, lying, and apologizing later.

If i hear one more woman tell me that I’m a good guy, I might just body slam her to make a damn point.   If I tell them that good guys aren’t attractive to them, they look at me as if I have a damn horn growing out of my forehead.

Now that I’m separated, I’ve been able to get a few dates with a few women.    I’m a pretty personable person in person.   I’ve been told that I’m funny, smart, pretty good looking, but also, a good guy.   When asked why I’m separated, I’m honest and tell them my story…..well parts of it as i don’t want to throw my wife under the bus so to speak.

While at first, they acted ‘horrified’ to hear what happened, as I should probably expect at this point, I don’t shit on my wife or portray her to be a horrible person. I make her human.    I just explain that while it did hurt a lot, we are all human and make mistakes or bad decisions sometimes.   That I do realize that it probably wasn’t her intention to hurt me so bad.   That I do think that she’s a pretty decent person, though not the Angel I once thought she was.    And that while I still don’t understand or excuse her behavior, I forgive her and will always have love for her.    But as of now, she’s still on the fence about things and I’m not sure if I trust or want to trust her anymore.  That she says that she “loves, but isn’t in love with me”, and we’re just trying to figure out where to go from here as we do have love for each other.   That for now,  I’m just doing me.    I’m really surprised at how they just take my word for it, but then again, I do try to be as balanced as possible.

The number one reaction after all that is something along the lines of….”Awww, I wish I had someone who loved me like that.”    Some even tell me that I should or I am going to give her another chance.  That I should stay, be patient, and hang in there for my family’s sake.    Sure there is some flirting and a few shenanigans that take place, but still, it feels as if they are placing me in that ‘nice guy’ category as they get to know me.

I wonder if it’s a test to see how likely I am to go back.   I really can’t say and I really am torn on the issue.   I let them (one in particular) know my struggle and while she respects me as a person and hopefully a friend…

It’s starting to feel as if the attraction is fading towards me.    And that is the dilemma that I’m facing.   I get that on one hand, they’d want to ‘protect’ their hearts.   On the other, it’s why nice guys finish last.   I’m not a nice guy though. I mean technically, I am cheating.   Technically, I do want sex and I make don’t make it a secret.

I don’t expect attraction just because I treat her with respect or keep it real for real.   It just sucks to have her lose attraction because of it.  How ironic is that on one hand, they respect me more, but lose attraction in that process, but on the other, it feels that my wife respects me less and lost/loses attraction because of it.   Shit, i can’t win.

In my mind, the difference between a ‘good’ guy and a ‘fuck’ boy is that a ‘fuck’ boy will lie, gain her heart, and then pretty much use her for what he wants.   I want to use her for what I want (sex, friendship, ego gratification, and companionship), but at least be real about me, my situation, and what it is.

I know it’s the “righter” thing to do to put it all out on the table, but it seems that I lose out in a way.   Forget all that they’re talking.  Maybe the “real” pillow talk shouldn’t be had.   I should just focus on the fun and not get into details anymore.   Why should I care if they think of me as a ‘bad’ guy or a manipulative bastard.   The end result would be pretty much the same anyway.   In fact they’d lose respect on a certain level, but probably end up disgustedly attracted if the shit hits the fan.    Perhaps the pillow talk should be played as a trump card.

Women are complicated.  Why do you have to hurt them in order for them to stay attracted?   Maybe I’m not really as much of a man as I thought because of how much I care…if that makes sense.  It’s like too much mercy (or concern for others over myself) is a bad thing for real.   I know it sounds pious, self righteous, and like i have a martyr/savior mindset.   Perhaps I do.   I’d probably score pretty high on the empath scale.  I can’t help it.

I’m too good.  Not good as in better than others, but too good as in too goody two shoes when it comes to treating people how I’d like to be treated.    I’ve heard that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I overstand that on a different level now.  In the end, I am a bit of a narcissist in that i do want love, attention, affection, and sex, regardless of the cost.  Despite my wife’s cheating, affair, and subsequent betrayal, I am now technically cheating and looking for sex and companionship outside of my marriage instead of trying to end or fix it.

Despite me wanting her to want it….me not wanting her to want it out of guilt….my fear of opening my heart up until i feel she can show me that she wants to try…..   It makes me just as guilty as her.  I’m not taking responsibility for MY actions and am putting it all on her.  But isn’t on her in a way?   I mean she’s the one who wants to ‘keep her options open’.  The longer she sits on the fence about things, she holding the door open for someone to come in and steal my heart completely (and I get it in a way if she just doesn’t love me like that anymore).   It is a risk she’s willing to take, but yet when it comes to marriage, i’m supposed to be patient and long suffering…..as the example Christ Jesus gave to us(the church, His bride, so to speak).  How much can I really say that I love my family if I can’t wait.   How much am I really trusting in God if I’m not willing to endure.

Am i being a fool for waiting, a coward for not forcing her to make a decision, submissive by not leading by example, a sucker for allowing this to happen twice.  Petty for doing things behind her back(lies by omission).  Respectful for not rubbing it in her face.  Fair for not trying to make her jealous.   Self respectful by taking the steps to forward in a sense.   Or perhaps all of these things.   What should I do?  Keep suffering, wondering, risk resentment.  Keep pushing her.  Chasing when that only pushes her away.

What about my needs?  I can’t lie, it feels really good to feel wanted, desired, and respected, even if I know it’s all superficial for now.   It feels good to not worry about who she’s talking to when I’m not around or who’s texting her.    Or why she’s late or not answering the phone if I call.

To be fair, it does seem that she isn’t doing anything right now with anyone and I even beleive her when she says that her so called “best friend” doesn’t call and text her that much anymore.   She swears they didn’t do anything on that trip.   I don’t believe her even though she does sound convincing.

Or am I just framing this in a way to justify my own behavior as of late.  Either way,  I am no longer a good man in that sense of the word.   I should stop fooling myself.   In reality, honesty does not really make me good in the end.  My actions are wrong though I am justified in being confused.   My intentions are not pure as in the end if I’m honest, I’d rather have a side chick or two while she works through whatever she needs to in order to make a decision.

In the end, I really gotta start looking out for myself more.  As of now, here i sit, the self righteous fool, angry with the world because I can’t decide whether I should put my needs first or last.  Like a sucker assed simp if I put the family first.  Like a hypocrite and a faithless heathen if I don’t.   Like a self righteous martyr if talk about it.    And that no matter which order i decide, i end up feeling or  being guilty either way.

I’m no good guy at all.  Just a pathetic manipulative hypocrite stuck between wanting people to understand my struggle and love me for acknowledging how hard it is.   I talk the talk, but my walk is feeble at best.   I’m that guy who comes to work and barely scrapes by while complaining the whole damn time.    Blaming her while I’m now out here doing the same damn thing.   Using her indecision and past indiscretions as an excuse.    Using my “needs” as justification….as if I was the only person who ever had to endure lack of intimacy, sex, and past humiliations.   As if those things are even really that hard in the scheme of things.    I’m acting like a victim “who overcame” to gain sympathy.   Yup, I’m the quintessential “nice guy” and it is really no wonder why they lose attraction for me the more we talk about this.

Jesus gave His life for me when I was still and am still yet unworthy, yet I call and ask for His mercy every single day.   How can I bear my cross if I’m unwilling to let my ego die for my family.   And yet if she doesn’t love me like that, then how can I hold her hostage to love?

Perhaps I’m wrong for putting me first and wrong for putting her first.   I should put God first and Us second.    In which case, I have to endure for as long as I can.   Shit man, noboby ever said this was going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard.

What a loser.