I was reading in a Craigslist forum about this guy in his 50’s who’s wife hadn’t given him sex in 8 years. All adult kids. He loved her and didn’t want to divorce or break the family. He claims to have asked her to go to counseling in which she refused. Took her on romantic vacations, and even bought her a boat that she wanted. Still no sex. In fact, he further went to say that she didn’t even want to cuddle him. He claimed that he didn’t necessarily want sex from that all the time, but just missed the intimacy….yet she refused him even that.
He was wondering if he should look for someone in a similar situation who didn’t want to break her family, but would share an intimate relationship with him.
The responders flamed him. One claimed that if the couldn’t get it from his own wife, what makes him think that he could get it from someone else. Another said that he shouldn’t try to buy his wife off with trips and gifts. Yet another said that it was his bed and he should lie in it. Someone even said that it had to be his fault somehow, that he couldn’t have been listening to her. All seemed to agree that he should either deal with it or just divorce.
Of course, going through it myself, I have a different take.
Noone seemed to acknowledge that his wife is being selfish as fuck. Sex and intimacy is a very important aspect of an adult’s life and without it, we can suffer tremendously. He has tried different things and she refuses to try and help him fix the situation. His decision to stay in the marriage has less to do with him and seems to be more about not wanting to hurt his family. It would appear that the commenters didn’t acknowledge that fact. People who love their families the most often suffer because of it. This man has sacrified a huge chunk of his happiness and well being only to get shitted on by this selfish ass woman…. all in the name of love, loyalty, and dedication. But I suppose that this is expected of “real” men.
Her decision to not have sex isn’t due to any medical condition (at least diagnosed) and her refusal to give him any or even attempt to figure out her lack of interest is mean spirited. As far as I can tell, she is a sound minded adult (at least legally).
If I refused sex and intimacy to my wife and gave her no real reason, how could I expect her to remain faithful. How difficult would it make her life? How would it affect her self esteem? How much of a dick would I have to be to make her choose between destroying her family and fulfilling her desire for sex….especially when I have the power to fulfill that part? Could I reasonably expect her not to cheat or be seduced by someone else? She should at least allow him a pass, but for some reason, I’d suspect that she’d lose her shit, demonize him, and take 0 responsibility for pushing him out there. The divorce would be acrimonious and he’d end up losing almost everything he worked for.
She put him in a lose/lose situation where if he did divorce (on the grounds of no intimacy and sex)….his reputation is damaged and his kids would be hurt. No doubt he’d try to protect his wife’s image and no doubt she would even acknowledge her faults……or if he cheats and gets caught, the same situation applies……..or he could remain in the sexless marriage with a wife who doesn’t even want him nor try to fix the issues between them.
The best option is to cheat and hope for the best as either staying or leaving guarantees negative outcomes, but he could possibly not get caught cheating. And if he does get caught, the consequences are pretty much the same.
People say that there is no justification for cheating….and to me, that is a short sighted answer. In most cases, I’d agree. But in the cases where the spouse/so is just being an asshole AND you have a real reason to stay in the relationship (kids, financial obligations….etc.) I think a case could be made. At least as long as you let the affair partner know what the deal is.
If the wife in the case KNOWs that this is hurting her husband and she refuses to do anything about it, it shows an incredible lack of sympathy on her behalf. It’s as if she’s punishing him for doing the right thing. I can’t believe people feel so entitled and selfish as to punish their SO and deny them something so important simply because they have the power to do so.
Communication is key here and there are two sides to every story. But I’ve read enough articles where women have confessed that they are no longer attracted to their husbands and refuse him sex simply because they just don’t feel like it… or are attacted to someone else. They say they KNOW it’s wrong, but they don’t care. The wife’s refusal for help in this situation makes me think that she falls into that camp.
While leaving is probably best for the couple, people often forget that divorce can be emotionally, financially, and economically devastating to all involved….not just the kids.
In all honesty, I think the wife is being a bitch and that he should go out there. By constantly refusing him sex and intimacy, she’s doing all sorts of emotional damage to him and his self esteem. This damage wouldn’t be as acute if he were single.
Situations like this does beg the question though. Can you really lose attraction for someone to the point of not wanting to have sex with them? I’ve heard of it, but in most cases I’ve seen, it’s usually after an affair with someone else. That’s what happened in my case. In that particular instance, it’s the original offending person’s fault for their own lack of desire and they should just suck it up.
People are selfish entitled fucks these days. And when it’s time for them to face the consequences of their actions, society wants to give them a pat on the back and feel sorry for them. TBH, I never wanted to cheat on my wife and there are times that I do feel twinges of guilt.
But I then remember that I’m not out here because of her affair or on some revenge crusade. It’s because she put me in a situation of choosing sex/intimacy or my family. I’m still on the fence and doubleminded about it (which is hell unto itself at times).
Plus I also think that on a certain level, it has helped us as I no longer feel as bad about myself and I’m no longer angry / or even really desire sex from her. She still hasn’t asked why I stopped asking or have bothered to try in about a year. There is less tension in the air and fewer arguments.
TBH, i’m getting to the point where I don’t even want it. Her getting undressed in front of me doesn’t even phase me that much anymore. We haven’t kissed or even hugged in forever it seems. And I really don’t care anymore. I am finally falling out of love with her. It was a long hard journey, but I am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes, I know that technically I’m wrong for that. But how was I supposed to know that it would get to this in the beginning? It was only until recently that I realized that no matter how cool someone seems in the beginning, there is a chance that they’ll turn into an insufferable, selfish, manipulative, cold hearted prick that could give 0 fucks about your relationship, family, history if they feel that it impedes on their personal happiness (even if they don’t know what it is). They could give 0 shits about how it affects you, the kids, finances, or anything.
In my opinion, he should find someone else on the side…..8 years is a long time……as long as he can find someone who is either sensitive to his situation and going through it for the same reasons he is. Just be careful not to ruin another family.
He’s justified, they’ll all be happier, and it’s worth possibly losing the marriage over (if she finds out) as she doesn’t really seem to care that much about him / it anyway.
If you’re the selfish prick/asshole who just simply refuses to sleep with your spouse because you’re being a dick/bitch, then fuck you. This isn’t for you. This is for the person you’re crushing who might be on the fence about it.