Well cuck me then

I’m such a pussy when it comes to my family it seems.  For some reason, I just can’t find it in me to be the one who leaves.  Perhaps it’s the innocence I see in him right now as kid.   I know that other kids go through and survive their parents splitting up.   But how toxic are those households?

We don’t really fight that much and he loves us both dearly.  From all appearances, at least to him, things aren’t that bad.   And truth be told, they aren’t …. at least surface level.   As a man, I feel it’s my obligation to carry the burden and it isn’t my right to leave because of something as pussy as emotional distress.   Maybe that’s how I was indoctrinated and if that’s indeed the case, society did a great job (from an effectiveness standpoint).

I guess some people will understand and some won’t.   I’m not a glutton for punishment even though I could see how others might say that.   I’m not a martyr and I don’t expect any sort of recognition for sticking it out.   It’s like working out or running, minus the satisfaction of getting the results.   But it’s something that I might just have to do.

He’s a child.  I had 35 years so far of a pretty decent life overall.   I had my fun.  Not to say that the end is here as far as that goes, but it is my responsibility.    I made my bed and maybe I have to lie in it.

I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to love her as much as I once did.  I definitely don’t trust her….and as far as I can see, I have no real reason to.   She’s not a horrible person to be around, but given that I don’t want to be in love with anyone anyway, what do I have to lose?  Great sex is good and all, but can I really break his heart over the fact that I won’t be getting as much sex?

She trapped me.   Better yet, I trapped myself by setting this whole scenario up.   I shouldn’t have gotten married, had a family, and promised to keep it.   I didn’t run down all the possible ways this could play out, but as they say, the only 20/20 we’ll get is in hindsight.

I don’t understand how it’s just so easy for other people to just leave their families.

I understand the consequences if I do choose to stay.   That it is very likely that she’ll cheat again, possibly end up leaving, and his heart will be broken anyway.   That I will have wasted this last part of my prime years.   That he’ll never know the sacrifices and pain it took to for me to stay.    And that’s ok.   I’d have it no other way.   He deserves a family.   As broken as it is, it feels like it’s all on me to give him the childhood he deserves.

And that is reward enough for me.



Time to split or get off the pot

Time is quickly winding down until the end of lease date.  From there I’m going to have to determine whether or not to stay married.  Man.  This is so hard.   I really don’t want to disappoint/hurt my son.   He really is clueless as to how bad things got between us.   It also seems that I’m going to have to be the one who pulls the plug.

Never get married folks.

I don’t think that the wife is carrying on any affairs right now or it would seem that she isn’t really entertaining anyone.    At least, she isn’t tethered to her phone all the time and seems to want to spend more time to hang out.

The problem is that I don’t love her like that anymore.  I was wondering if I could fall back in love, but I really don’t want to take the risk.  I don’t really want to fall in love with anyone at this point, so it isn’t really her.     In addition, she wants us to purchase a house that’s outside of an amount I’d be comfortable with (we can’t really afford it), even if we were on good terms.

At one time, I would have just caved in.   In the name of “happy wife, happy life.” I would have tried and done anything just to keep her happy.   Now, not so much.   I’m not even sure if I want to be married…..let alone on the hook for paying for “too much” house.

She wants to vacation, she wants a nice house, we’ll need new cars, and her solution…..well, we can start a home business, get additional part time homes….etc.  Her friends and family co-sign with the idea.

Look, I’m no financial guru, but I know that overspending for your “dream” house sounds like a recipe for disaster.   Due to the fact that we’ve been on bad terms for the last 3+ years due to her affairs and not giving AF about it, we haven’t been saving, budgeting, nor preparing for this.    We’ve been on the fence about staying married, ignoring important conversations about the future (due to her stonewalling and dismissive behavior), and now suddenly she want to buy a house together?

I need to make a decision and stand on it.   I feel hypocritical that I am in violation of my vows for better or for worse.   I used to say that marriage isn’t about how you feel, it’s about making the best of a situation you vowed to do.   You bring the energy to the relationship as opposed to letting it control you.    Yet this is hard.

There is so much water under the bridge.   So little trust.   No sex.   We’re on different pages about pretty much everything when it comes to finances.   It’s just not a good place to be in.

Even if i convinced her to move into a cheaper home, she’d probably end up resenting me for it.   Plus, I really don’t want to be a position of helplessness as she’s proven that my feelings/respect/emotional well being aren’t worth sparing in the name of her happiness.

This short sided decision to buy this house despite me protesting and laying out reasonable, logical arguments is just another reason to cut the cord.   Am i being unreasonable here?   It seems that I”m always in a lose/lose situation when it comes to her.

Stay and be hurt or leave and hurt the kid.    Cheat and lose the high moral ground or get no sex while she cheats with no fucks given.   Violate my vows or sacrifice emotional well being.   All these tough decisions over someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about me like that!!!

Damn.  I always thought that being “unhappy” was not a good reason for divorce.   But maybe i need to rethink this.

Her excuse for cheating was that she was “unhappy” so I figured that it was wrong to destroy our family over that.  At least without trying to fix it.    Maybe that’s why I’ve been struggling with this.   The difference is that she never told me that she was unhappy nor ever gave me any reasons as to why.   To me, it sounds like she just wanted to be with someone else….or either thot around for a while.   While I can’t blame her for how she felt/feels, I can blame her for how she treated me.    I didn’t deserve that.

As for me, I think I have legitimate reasons.   She’s given me plenty.

I mean it isn’t like I suddenly got attracted to someone else and made up excuses as to why I’m unhappy.    It isn’t like I haven’t expressed things I’d like for her to change.   She KNOWs why I’m unhappy and didn’t do a damn thing about it.   It wasn’t even like those things were acceptable behavior towards a person you claim to love and care about.

Betrayal, threatening to take my kid away, and just leaving me destroyed while she fucked other men…..throwing it in my face, despite my tears and pain, and leaving me out to dry….. in spite of never telling me she was unhappy before doing it.   She didn’t worry about how this would affect me or even our kid as long as she was getting her sexual/emotional fix.

She did admit that she felt like she humiliated herself with doing those things her ex affair partner told her to do to me, but even IF that is the case, how could she respect me at this point?  How could she ever have respected me?

There is too much water under the bridge.   At this point, I’ve violated my vows (at least the fidelity part) anyway.    Despite me doing what I felt like I had to do.  And it seems to have helped (at least temporarily) the acute pain I was in…. i think cheating helped me lose the personal attachment which was hurting me so bad.

I know that you shouldn’t point the finger before looking at yourself first.   I have and I know I wasn’t perfect.   But I was always there for the family.    I never violated her and would have done anything to make her happy or at least try.

Yet for some reason, it feels wrong to have to be the one who does this.




Should you cheat in sexless marriage?

I was reading in a Craigslist forum about this guy in his 50’s who’s wife hadn’t given him sex in 8 years.   All adult kids.   He loved her and didn’t want to divorce or break the family.  He claims to have asked her to go to counseling in which she refused.  Took her on romantic vacations, and even bought her a boat that she wanted.  Still no sex.   In fact, he further went to say that she didn’t even want to cuddle him.   He claimed that he didn’t necessarily want sex from that all the time, but just missed the intimacy….yet she refused him even that.

He was wondering if he should look for someone in a similar situation who didn’t want to break her family, but would share an intimate relationship with him.

The responders flamed him.   One claimed that if the couldn’t get it from his own wife, what makes him think that he could get it from someone else.   Another said that he shouldn’t try to buy his wife off with trips and gifts.  Yet another said that it was his bed and he should lie in it.   Someone even said that it had to be his fault somehow, that he couldn’t have been listening to her.   All seemed to agree that he should either deal with it or just divorce.

Of course, going through it myself,  I have a different take.

Noone seemed to acknowledge that his wife is being selfish as fuck.   Sex and intimacy is a very important aspect of an adult’s life and without it, we can suffer tremendously.   He has tried different things and she refuses to try and help him fix the situation.   His decision to stay in the marriage has less to do with him and seems to be more about not wanting to hurt his family.   It would appear that the commenters didn’t acknowledge that fact.  People who love their families the most often suffer because of it.  This man has sacrified a huge chunk of his happiness and well being only to get shitted on by this selfish ass woman…. all in the name of love, loyalty, and dedication.   But I suppose that this is expected of “real” men.

Her decision to not have sex isn’t due to any medical condition (at least diagnosed) and her refusal to give him any or even attempt to figure out her lack of interest is mean spirited.  As far as I can tell, she is a sound minded adult (at least legally).

If I refused sex and intimacy to my wife and gave her no real reason, how could I expect her to remain faithful.   How difficult would it make her life?  How would it affect her self esteem?  How much of a dick would I have to be to make her choose between destroying her family and fulfilling her desire for sex….especially when I have the power to fulfill that part?  Could I reasonably expect her not to cheat or be seduced by someone else?   She should at least allow him a pass, but for some reason, I’d suspect that she’d lose her shit, demonize him, and take 0 responsibility for pushing him out there.   The divorce would be acrimonious and he’d end up losing almost everything he worked for.

She put him in a lose/lose situation where if he did divorce (on the grounds of no intimacy and sex)….his reputation is damaged and his kids would be hurt.  No doubt he’d try to protect his wife’s image and no doubt she would even acknowledge her faults……or if he cheats and gets caught, the same situation applies……..or he could remain in the sexless marriage with a wife who doesn’t even want him nor try to fix the issues between them.

The best option is to cheat and hope for the best as either staying or leaving guarantees negative outcomes, but he could possibly not get caught cheating.   And if he does get caught, the consequences are pretty much the same.

People say that there is no justification for cheating….and to me,  that is a short sighted answer.   In most cases, I’d agree.   But in the cases where the spouse/so is just being an asshole AND you have a real reason to stay in the relationship (kids, financial obligations….etc.) I think a case could be made.    At least as long as you let the affair partner know what the deal is.

If the wife in the case KNOWs that this is hurting her husband and she refuses to do anything about it, it shows an incredible lack of sympathy on her behalf.   It’s as if she’s punishing him for doing the right thing.    I can’t believe people feel so entitled and selfish as to punish their SO and deny them something so important simply because they have the power to do so.

Communication is key here and there are two sides to every story.   But I’ve read enough articles where women have confessed that they are no longer attracted to their husbands and refuse him sex simply because they just don’t feel like it… or are attacted to someone else.   They say they KNOW it’s wrong, but they don’t care.   The wife’s refusal for help in this situation makes me think that she falls into that camp.

While leaving is probably best for the couple, people often forget that divorce can be emotionally, financially, and economically devastating to all involved….not just the kids.

In all honesty, I think the wife is being a bitch and that he should go out there.   By constantly refusing him sex and intimacy, she’s doing all sorts of emotional damage to him and his self esteem.   This damage wouldn’t be as acute if he were single.

Situations like this does beg the question though.   Can you really lose attraction for someone to the point of not wanting to have sex with them?  I’ve heard of it, but in most cases I’ve seen, it’s usually after an affair with someone else.   That’s what happened in my case.  In that particular instance, it’s the original offending person’s fault for their own lack of desire and they should just suck it up.

People are selfish entitled fucks these days.   And when it’s time for them to face the consequences of their actions, society wants to give them a pat on the back and feel sorry for them.   TBH, I never wanted to cheat on my wife and there are times that I do feel twinges of guilt.

But I then remember that I’m not out here because of her affair or on some revenge crusade.   It’s because she put me in a situation of choosing sex/intimacy or my family.  I’m still on the fence and doubleminded about it (which is hell unto itself at times).

Plus I also think that on a certain level, it has helped us as I no longer feel as bad about myself and I’m no longer angry / or even really desire sex from her.    She still hasn’t asked why I stopped asking or have bothered to try in about a year.   There is less tension in the air and fewer arguments.

TBH, i’m getting to the point where I don’t even want it.    Her getting undressed in front of me doesn’t even phase me that much anymore.   We haven’t kissed or even hugged in forever it seems.   And I really don’t care anymore.    I am finally falling out of love with her.    It was a long hard journey, but I am finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Yes, I know that technically I’m wrong for that.   But how was I supposed to know that it would get to this in the beginning? It was only until recently that I realized that no matter how cool someone seems in the beginning, there is a chance that they’ll turn into an insufferable, selfish, manipulative, cold hearted prick that could give 0 fucks about your relationship, family, history if they feel that it impedes on their personal happiness (even if they don’t know what it is).   They could give 0 shits about how it affects you, the kids, finances, or anything.

In my opinion, he should find someone else on the side…..8 years is a long time……as long as he can find someone who is either sensitive to his situation and going through it for the same reasons he is.  Just be careful not to ruin another family.

He’s justified, they’ll all be happier, and it’s worth possibly losing the marriage over (if she finds out)  as she doesn’t really seem to care that much about him / it anyway.

If you’re the selfish prick/asshole who just simply refuses to sleep with your spouse because you’re being a dick/bitch, then fuck you.   This isn’t for you.   This is for the person you’re crushing who might be on the fence about it.







If She Ain’t Chasing, She’s Replacing

I read an article where a the author was saying that if a man is sending mixed signals, to stop chasing him.    In it, she was basically saying that the woman deserves better.    That he isn’t worth crying in her pillow at night over and that she should move on.

While that does sound like some sound advice on the surface, I’ve come to realize that advice like this is what makes the dating scene so damned impossible these days.   Sure, I mean who wants to be insecure about their romantic interests?   Who wants to feel emotionally frustrated by lack of consistency?   Who wants to keep second guessing if a person is really in to them or not?

I’ll to you who…..women do.   While they complain about it, it’s like something built into their psyche.

It’s been said that the best way to dry up the panties is to bore a woman.   You know what’s boring and not sexy….. Consistency, predictability, and security.    From the trashy romance novels to the 40 shades of grey type movies.   Women seem to fantasize about the handsome, mysterious, unreadable stranger coming into their lives.   In it, the guy has some sort of troubled past/ or present which might prevent them from being together.

I’ve noticed that the difference between when I’ve been cheated on vs when I’ve had girls willing to do almost anything for me is the level of consistency I showed.   That had a lot to do with how much I actually cared and desired to be with her.   But the more consistency I showed, the less interested she became and the less, the more.

I’ve also overhead females talk about how an interested guy often “does too much.” When he wants to actually be with her.    Chasing implies, that something is trying to get away.   I don’t recommend this for men these days.   Especially given “me too” and the fact that many women don’t communicate their feelings directly.

The article itself is proof enough that mixed signals and inconsistency is enough to keep them interested.   I mean, she ain’t crying over a guy she doesn’t care about.   The beta male “best friend” who wants her isn’t showing mixed signals, but something about him isn’t attractive enough for her.   Even though they all claim they want their partner to be their “best friend” or partner in crime.    Throwback to  “Things that make you go hmmmm……”

Unfortunately, you can’t give them what they want all the time.   You have to show a bit of inconsistency and unpredictability in order to keep them interested.   Even though they say that they hate it, in the end, they love you for it even more for it.

It’s easier if you just don’t care.   So men, I’d say, leave the falling in love part for the women.   Find your purpose, fall in love with that, and send mixed signals to her at your leisure.    If she leaves you, she probably wasn’t that into you anyway.   Plus since you didn’t care, it won’t really throw you off and you’ll remain confident and secure.   Learn to be an asshole.   It works.