Not worth it, Trust me

I’ve been listening to a lot of dating advice from dating coaches online lately. I’m a bit rusty. One of the coaches that stand out to me is Corey Wayne. He has a pretty big following on youtube. His advice seems pretty solid. The crux of his teaching that the best ‘negotiating position’ is to be able to walk away.

A lot of the other advice from him and other dating coaches seem to indicate that women are a lot like children. But more like adult children in that we can only ‘punish them’ by walking away. Our job as men it seems is to basically show them a good time, listen, and lead the interactions. I understand this.

But it also seems that we have to ‘know’ them better than they know themselves. And if we can crack the code, act like we don’t. We have to deal with their bitchiness (moments of emotional unreasonableness), and help them through it by making them laugh or something. Not hold them accountable for doing stupid things. Stay mysterious. Be vague about our feelings towards them. Have solid boundaries and be prepared to walk if they violate them (I can agree with this one). Not show real emotions. We have to know our purpose and be working towards it or either be making a boat load of money. Don’t show neediness. Be vulnerable, but not too vulnerable. And understand the subtle and indirect clues they drop if they aren’t blunt with telling you how they feel. Basically, handle with kiddie gloves. But not too much or else you’ll end up friend zoned.

Ok, these are great ideas. But what I don’t like is that if you fail to do some of these things, then it seems that she’s justified in cheating on you.

You weren’t being MAN enough to keep her. I’m working on adapting the principles I’m missing into my life in order to make myself more attractive. The thing is that if she doesn’t love me for me, and I am able to accomplish all of these things on my own, then what value does she have for me. I mean. If I’m able to attract many women at will (as many pretty women are able to do men), then her margin of error is slim to none. If their love if so conditional, then why shouldn’t mine be?

I’m not sure if I really want to be subject to a woman’s ever shifting demands and mysterious emotions. That’s too much pressure. If she can’t control herself, then how can I be responsible for controlling her. If a woman cannot be attracted to (nor respect you)if she feels that she has the power in the relationship, then why paint yourself in a corner (forfeiting your ability to walk away) by getting married, having kids, and loving your family.

It’s really no wonder why so many women are divorcing their decent husbands simply because they no longer feel ‘attracted’ to him. His power is gone and with the no fault divorces laws, structure of child support, and the fact that it’s no longer stigmatized, then it’s much easier for her to just walk away without working on it.

I’m not sure if I have the capacity to actually ‘love’ a woman enough to give so much anymore. Especially knowing that all my efforts are in vain should I fail to read her mind. Knowing that loss of attraction also means loss of respect regardless of what we went through, what I did for her, and even what I still do.

Knowing that her falling “in love” with someone else means that I mean less than nothing to her after that. Knowing that marriage is an uphill battle and times will get hard. Knowing that she’s open to “new love” smell during those times and is so willing throw EVERYTHING away for it. Knowing that instead of helping me solve whatever issue for us or our family, she’ll secretly try to monkey branch into the arms of the next man willing to have her. And ultimately, she’ll just discard us in the name of ‘happiness.’ How can I ever take a modern woman seriously? Even if she says what she means, she only means it at the time.

In my experience, the moment my ‘princess’ fells for someone else, I became less than trash to her. Your feelings, emotions, history and everything becomes nothing, even if you’re still together. Kids don’t matter. You paying the bills, so what. You helped her achieve her goals, “what have you done for me lately.” Even your friendship means NOTHING.

God forbid that the new guy (thinking he’s somehow better than you) gets an ego boost from stealing her. He’ll disrespect you. Some guys literally get off on disrespecting you through your wife. The nastier she gets for him, the better for his ego. And the worst part is, that your former confidant, angel, and princess, the person you’d have taken a bullet for, will let him because it’s what he wants. He knows it, and he will push her to the limit. She will do things with him that she never did with you. She’s turned on even more by the fact that he gets off on it. She is trying to prove herself worthy to him. She will be his slut and it makes her feel ‘alive’.

In her eyes, you’re pathetic. You’re a loser. You’re not as much of a man as he is. She tells him how much better in bed he is. How much she hates you. How much he fulfills her in ways you never could. She doesn’t even regard the fact that she’s allowing another man to disrespect her own children’s father. That she was your queen, but it felt better to be his slut. The contrast fed her to go further than she ever would have imagined on her own. She got off on being disrespected by him and it was amplified by the fact that you loved her so much. Your vulnerable position made you look weak by contrast making him strong. He loved the ego and power boost and it fed the fire of wicked lustful sex. She met that desire in her, and it only costed you your dignity. She didn’t pay a thing for it. She can no longer respect you after that. Without respect, there can be no love. Staying and facing what she did will could cause her too much guilt even if you could manage to fix things. She couldn’t handle that and would have to make herself ‘miserable’ to get out. She could never live up to the truth. That is, if she were a decent person to begin with. She has to cut the cord and likely just move on to the next man. Having marked that off her proverbial checklist, maybe she’ll treat the next good man in her life with respect. The worst part is, she will always lie about it, even to herself and think that she’s done nothing wrong.

She will text him in front of you. Sneak into the closet or bathroom to facetime him naked while you’re playing with the kids. You’ll come up and almost catch her, and they’ll just laugh later as she swears to you that you’re crazy.

And guess what, her friends and family may feel sorry for you, but they ultimately just want her to be happy. Regardless of what it took to get there. In the end they’ll never know the full extent because you’re too embarrassed to say anything. You can’t tell your kids because you don’t want to affect their relationship with their mother. So u end up teaching them that it’s ok to leave your marriage if things get rough.

In the end, your dignity is lost. Your pride is gone. Esteem shot. Emotions out of control. And you’re left there, hurt, mad at yourself for crying. Humiliated. Bitter. Broken. And still somehow praying that your family can survive this. Not even sure how you can. Crying to see your kids in so much pain. Angry at the crocodile tears she’s shedding. How can she hurt and this was her doing. A few minutes later a text pops up on her phone and she’s smiling and singing as if nothing happened.

You’ve lost your dignity, respect, family and you’re supposed to just be a sport about it, be cool and co parent. The worst part is, that you can’t just walk away from this person forever. You share kids who love and depend on you. Not to mention lawyers, child support, and in some cases alimony. Then society will tell you take responsibility because obviously you did something wrong. Even if you did, you never got a chance to address nor fix it. But it’s a moot point by now.

Everyone else still thinks she’s an ok person. On top of that knowing that she will never even fell remorse for doing that to you. Added more insult to injury now that she wants to bring the asshole around your kids. It’s the perfect crime, she gets away with it, and possibly gets to live happily ever after. They’ll make it seem like they just met or he was there for her to support her while SHE was UNHAPPILY MARRIED. And you’re seen as the bitter ex husband who couldn’t hold on to his wife.

Commitment to the Commitment

I was on the phone the other night with someone and we had an interesting revelation about what marriage is supposed to be.   We both agreed that it’s better to commit to the marriage than to the spouse.   The reason is that once the ‘honeymoon’ phase wears off, you’re left with having to learn to love a person all over again.   If you’re only committed to that person instead of your marriage and family, you won’t want hang in there where times get hard.

If you commit to making your marriage better, instead of the person, then you work on it instead of discarding it.  You do your part and if you’ve found a partner who’s less than perfect, but is also committed, then you’ll eventually find your back to each other.   It’s like somewhere along the line in your marriage, either one or both of you will lose your way, the goal isn’t to just walk away, it’s to find each other again.  It’s not really about you, nor that person, it’s about something greater, so your feelings about that person shouldn’t be the primary reason you’re there.  (Of course, there are exceptions as in the case of abuse, repeated adultery, drugs, etc.)    It’s similar to how the Hebrews were lost in the wilderness, they could have taken the promised land, but they lost faith and as a result were banished to live out there for 40 years.   My wife claims that we ‘grew apart’.  No sweetheart, you chose to walk away.

Unfortunately, in this society, everything seems to be about immediate gratification and if it takes works, then we just don’t want it.   People have become just as disposable as cell phones and when the new upgrade comes along, we tend to just toss the old (even if it still works fine) just to have the ‘new’.    Then if we can afford the new, we feel miserable because “we aren’t living our best lives.”  Perhaps that’s the problem with pretty women and some men.  An almost endless supply of thirsty men willing to say and do anything to get into their panties certainly make it seem that there is a LOT of greener grass out there.   Why work on what you have when things get tough when the world is your playground?

Even though this lady was saying all the right things, I don’t believe her.   Nawalts (not all women are like this) don’t exist.  My wife and I had similar conversations about loyalty, love, respect, and all those things in the earlier days of our relationship, but it seems that a woman’s beliefs change with her emotions.   She may have meant what she said at the time, but should her emotions ever change, everything else (including her core principles) will too.  And that can happen instantly.   This is why I don’t know if I could ever fully commit to a woman ever again.   The thing is that they believe themselves in the moment, will adamantly deny (even feel insulted) if you bring that up, and so they won’t even prepare for the enevitable shift in emotions.  Even if you call her out on her bullshit later when she does change, it’s a moot point, it’s like you’re talking to a totally different person.

You can’t ever really trust a person like that.   It’s not a matter of me thinking that I’m not ever good enough, or that “she” isn’t.  It’s just knowing the nature of the beast.  You wouldn’t buy a dog, thinking that it won’t ever bark.   That’s what dogs do.   It’s stupid and cruel to punish it or force it not to be a dog.  You know what you’re signing up for.   By the same token, you can’t force a modern woman to stay loyal and committed and truthful when things get tough.  She becomes miserable and will either cheat behind your back or find ways to make you miserable.  You have either have to accept her bitchiness (unreasonableness) or accept the fact that she’s probably going to leave or cheat on you.   To that I say, why sign up for it anyway.  Is companionship really worth it if you can’t have it on the terms of fidelity, honesty, loyalty, and consistency?  Should I punish her by holding her to her vows even though my heart and the hearts of our children are on the line?  Even if I could convince her on those terms, she’d just choose to make herself miserable.   She’d lose attraction, as we understand ‘love’ differently, and we’d both be miserable.

The idea of finding True Love (not mutual infatuations) in today’s society is just a myth.   The type of women built for sustainable marriages are hard to find.  The problem is magnified by the fact that the bad ones act just like the good ones at first.   On top of that, the worst ones believe they are the good ones and they know how to play the role. I suppose that both men and women are both guilty of this.   They mess it up for the people who actually stand on principle because the people who hurt you the most just so happen to know the right things to say.  They may even possibly believe it at the time.

I suppose for now, and in the middle term future, the goal is to get better at game and enjoy the fact that most men don’t really have it.   No point in looking for love because today, it’s really just a game where the goal is to the get the other person to fall the hardest to satisfy your own ego.  Putting your own heart in is really just a recipe for heartbreak.   The commitment now is to the game, not the woman.

The trick is forcing myself to like the obviously spiritually dead women since they are likely playing the game themselves.   Then again, if you are the company you keep, I could very likely end up dead like them.   Plus, I’m not really motivated to keep up the games.   I don’t like playing them, never did.

Maybe I put too much emphasis on companionship and sex.   In the end, the drama, broken hearts, possible std’s, kids, and craziness isn’t worth the cost of admission.  Self-improvement and cultivating my relationship with God is the best choice.

 

How to Cope?

Sometimes it gets hard contending with this separation.   She seems hell bent on partying and “living her best life.”   Despite the fact that I’m more often hurting than not these days.   Despite our son crying, asking me why things couldn’t be different, she seems to be happier.   I don’t know what happened or how she could be so damned cold.   I don’t care what anybody says, there has to be an especially toasty place in hell for people so selfish.

I don’t know what happened to her.  I never suspected that things would end between us.   And even if they did, I never would have thought that she’d be so inconsiderate.  It really makes me look twice at certain women’s actions.   I’ve learned to not trust people’s words, but instead, focus on their actions.   Intentions don’t mean anything if your actions are contrary to what you say.

The worst part is that she doesn’t seem to know nor care how this is hurting everyone else.  She claims to love us or “have love for me”, but she’s acting so out of character compared to how she used to be.   I don’t know if this is just her mask coming off or if it’s “new” downgraded version.   She seems so aloof, selfish, and unloving.   It’s all about her and her “needs.”  Anything in the way is annoying to her.  It seriously makes me wonder how her relationship with our son will ultimately unfold.

I don’t know why it still hurts so bad.   I’ve been praying and reading the bible a lot more lately.  I mean, I don’t really like ‘who’ she is now.   I love my son, but sometimes I wish I could just not ever see her again.   Even if she were to say that wanted to try again, I don’t know if I could ever trust or respect her the same way.   She doesn’t seem to be interested in changing anything anyway.   Perhaps I need to accept the fact that this isn’t the woman I married.   I get that we all change over time, but in general, we are supposed to grow up, not down.

It’s really hard to not call her, but I’ve decided to only call her if it’s business or kid related.  It’s hard not to tell her about what’s going on in my life, even though I realize now that she keeps secrets from me.  I hate myself for that.   I really gotta do better with this because I sound like those pitiful people who got caught up in an affair and claim that they can’t just cut the affair partner out of the picture.    I really don’t understand why anyone would risk falling in love at this point.   I miss having control over myself and to fall in love is to lose control.   I made a list writing out everything I want in an ideal partner, but tbh, I don’t think I’m ready to meet her just yet.   It would be great to have someone to walk through this with me, but on the other hand, I don’t want anyone else carrying this bag.  Plus, in reality, God should be my solace in this time loneliness and uncertainty.

Both my head and heart know that she’s not right.  It’s a case of knowing that I could do better by myself.  I mean, being alone has to be better than being with someone who you can’t trust.  I love her, but I don’t want to.   It’s doesn’t seem to be a choice, so it has to be something more like an addiction or something.   I keep telling myself that because we’re still married, I still feel disrespected if she sleeps around since she is still my WIFE.   Perhaps I need to get this divorce thing started.

In the mean time, I want a distraction (another woman), but at the same time, I need to make sure, i’m not being selfish towards my son.  It’s unfair that we are both responsible for putting him in this fucked up spot.  I can’t just let him walk through this difficult journey alone.  If I had a ‘distraction’ i’d be just as guilty as my wife.   It would be much harder for me to empathize with our son.   I guess that knowledge alone helps me.  I can’t be a martyr, but I need to use this time to help him.  I can’t cheat my way out of this one no matter how lonely it gets sometimes.  Not for now.  He’s hurting and the least I could do is share this pain with him naturally.

Now is the time for self improvement in all aspects of my life.   The goal is to work on myself spiritually, physically, financially, and dust off my game a bit.   I gotta rebuild my self esteem.

Sometimes it feels like I need a distraction so that I’m not so focused on her or what she’s doing.  I think she can sense that I’m lonely and it turns her off.   If I were to start acting cheerful, happy, and content, she’d probably wonder what’s going on with me.   If I found someone else,  had a few hot sex sessions, where I could forget all about her, would it help me over the hump, or would I end up covering up old wounds without actually healing from them.  Would it make her curious and want to try things again.  Or would she be hell bent on continuing what she’s doing.   Would she even care.  But should it take all of that to save my family and even if I did, how long would it be before I realized that if I had to go through all of that, is it even worth it?  Maybe I just have to accept the fact this marriage is dead.   The love in her heart died.   She walked away, destroyed our home, “wiped her mouth and said ‘I’ve done nothing wrong'” and now, we’re left to pick up the pieces.

Just a bad moment,  I gotta just allow it to work it’s way through my system.   Ugh.  This sucks.

 

 

Believing their own Lies

Looking back over the wife’s affair(s).  I realize that maybe we were both to blame in that we stopped dating and making it special for us.  We worked for the family, but not each other individually.  We became partners or a good team unit.

Unfortunately, she never told me how miserable or unhappy she was until after she fell for the other guy.   After that, happened, and we never really got a chance to recover, the extensive phone calls and texts from her so called beta male orbiter aka bff started pouring in.   They had sex before while we were married and so of course I had a problem with excess communication.

I mean of course he’s easier to talk to these days.   From outside observation, they do get along pretty good.   She is a pretty woman and even though he claims he’s just supporting a friend, it seems that he’s just using the whole push pull, seduce you, flirt, make you laugh, and then say, you should work on your marriage bullshit.   The thing, is, she allows it even though (hater move i know), i told her that it was his game.  It seems that she wants it, even though she denies it.  When I confronted him, he claimed that he’s just being there for a friend and says that as long as she wants to talk to him, he will.   They’ve been friends since middle school and claims “he’ll always be there for her.”  Now while I should kick his ass, i would land in jail and it won’t really help anything.

Perhaps all is fair in love and war, but it’s a dick move to swoop in on a marriage during a low point, pretend to be a ‘supportive’ friend, just so he can absolve himself from any responsibility at all.   She lies, and denies it all.   But still, if most of our arguments are about him….not even the affair anymore, doesn’t it make sense that he is the cause of some static.   Am I FUCKING CRAZY?  I mean I don’t call or text my best friends that much.  I never took a picture of a sandwich and sent it to any of my friends.  Either I’m CRAZY, she’s stupid, or just a plain liar.  But maybe it’s a combination of all 3 at this point.

Her only excuse it that the sex just happened one time (years ago, which I didn’t know about at the time) and if they wanted it to happen again, it could have.   Honestly, I don’t know if I even believe that it only happened one time anymore.   She’d never admit it if it did.

I use this blog to vent out my feelings.   I think the reason why I get so anxious on the inside is because I’m angry.  I’m angry because she lies to herself and he’s lying to himself just so they can play like they’re innocent.   I’ve spoken to them both about what constitutes an “emotional” affair, sent him article on it, and even then he denies it.   Even though they’re doing most of the shit people in emotional affairs do.

This leads me to the point that I get super angry whenever she acts like she’s so sad that our son is hurt over all this.  He still asks me why I moved, I haven’t told him the real reason.  I have to just grit my teeth and tbh, I still feel like I want to cry whenever I see his sad little face trying to hold it together whenever I leave from the apartment.   It’s so unfair that these assholes get to lie to themselves to absolve themselves of any guilt while me and my son (the victims) face the consequences of their selfishness.   Meanwhile, I’m thinking that they’re in la la land of anticipating that “fateful” moment they “accidentally” sleep together again.   How the hell do you magnify a problem, then offer the solution so that you can be the ‘hero’.   That’s the plot in the incredible’s 2 movie.  Delusional assholes.

She never told me that she was unhappy.  I mean seriously, I loved her.  I would have gladly, at least tried to fix whatever it was.  I was a pretty good husband on paper and I loved her.  Maybe I could have been more ambitious, but it’s hard to do when it’s my job to mostly take care of the household stuff and work full time and commute 2 freakin hours a day.   But we could have tried something.      Instead, she held it in, then claimed she was tired of “being fake” while she was in the middle of a damn affair.

Now I’m supposed to forgive and bend over backwards to forgive and accept that she shamelessly engages in an emotional affair.   She doesn’t want to try to work it out, but I wonder if it’s because of white knight part 2 trying to save her.   I mean, I’d get it if she had been complaining to me about something and I refused to listen.  I’d understand if we actually tried something to make  it work.  Maybe it would be easier if I knew exactly what the fuck I did wrong to begin with.   If someone else wasn’t in the picture, would she at least have given us a chance to fix or resolve whatever her issues with me was?  She’d probably lie and say no, but it’s hard to believe since we both love our son and wouldn’t want to see him in this much pain…not at least without trying to make it work.

My fault is that I didn’t really push too hard for counseling again.   She just makes me so angry that I don’t even want to work on it.   I’m being a bitch because I can ‘t even think logically about it all.

Why do people even want to fall in love.  You never know what somebody’s going to do when the masks finally come off.

 

 

 

 

Acceptance

Finally moved into my own place.   It’s awfully lonely, and quiet over there, but it does give me time to think.   I’ve come to the conclusion that she really just doesn’t love me.   I’m thinking that people in general have to have a certain level of attraction in order to love you.   The difference is that in general, a woman’s level of attraction (including sexual) is based on how you make them feel.   A man’s is generally based on looks.

If a woman wants to have sex with you long term, then she has to have an emotional attraction to you.   Their attraction standards are much higher than men’s.   We’ll have sex with almost anything willing to open up.   We can connect and bond as long as your personality nor looks are too vile.  Women need much more than the physical in order to maintain it.  In fact, given rate that rate that women file for divorce in decent marriages these days, I’d say that it’s almost impossible for most men to maintain.

If i’m honest, I’m not a very attractive person personality wise.   I mean, i’m ok, but I’m not known for making people bust up laughing.  I’m not really super ambitious.  I’m not the smoothest guy in the room.  I’m not the best storyteller.  I’m really laid back.  I mean I have my own hobbies, but working out, running, video games, and learning guitar aren’t really the most interesting things in the world.   I’m ok with myself and understand I can improve those things.  She never complained at all, marriage life kills your social life, but I thought that she was ok with me since she was pretty much in the same boat.

It’s not to say that she’s exactly interesting herself.   I like deep philosophical conversations that go nowhere.  She doesn’t really get certain jokes or memes I find funny and I just don’t think some of the stuff she thinks is hilarious is all that funny.  We don’t have much to talk about these days, but after the fallout from the affair, I am no longer interested in trying to entertain her.  I would be, but the current emotional affair makes me not even want to try.   It doesn’t come naturally anyway, so I don’t feel like wasting the emotional or mental energy to try and make it happen.  It makes me question if we really are good for one another.

In the end, she fell out of love.  It makes me wonder if she ever truly loved me anyway.   Or maybe I was always a rebound ‘stand in’ fling who just treated her well.  I guess I never gave her any real reason to break up and she knows that I truly did love her.   Regardless, loving someone doesn’t mean they have to love you back.  In truth, I think my esteem was so low, that I just liked the attention and felt loved for being accepted by someone I was attracted to.

We never had deep conversations, I mean we did, but they were more like monologues.   She seemed interested as long as she was attracted, but marriage, time together, and going through life eventually removed all the mystery away from me.   I am different from most black dudes I know, but not in a weird way.   I’m not exactly an alpha male, but at the same time, I’m not the omega either.   I’m chill, laid back, and I don’t really care for nor seek to be the center of attention.   I’m a team player.  I stand up for myself, but mostly, I just mind my business and do what I gotta do.  It’s kind of hard being a sexy man (for me anyway) while wearing my heart on my sleeve and being daddy.   I guess I can be kind of corny if I let my guard down.

So maybe after the masks fell off (as they do in long term relationships on both sides), she didn’t really like what was underneath.   Honestly, I settled too, but maybe my physical attraction to her was enough to sustain the notion that we could be together.  I do wonder though if I wasn’t still physically attracted to her, if I would have fought so hard for our family.

I mean it hurts like hell to see my son cry through all of this.   I know that I wouldn’t have fought so hard if it wasn’t for him.  I mean I do have some self respect.    But the combination of still having some attraction, plus losing my family made me fight harder.   Which probably drove her further away.   But I was fighting for my self respect in a situation where the only reason I didn’t walk was because I didn’t want to hurt our son and break our home.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t understand this dynamic and subconsciously thinks that my esteem was so low that I was fighting for ‘her’ per se.   Either way, mistake 1 was not being able to walk away at the first sign of disrespect.   Again, it wasn’t for her, it was for our son and marriage.   If that makes any sense.

Perhaps she didn’t love us as a family (but she hurts to see him hurt too).

Maybe she tried and realized that since there is 0 attraction, there is no point in holding on.   That the attraction just won’t/can’t come back.  She now knows the real me just as I now know the real her.   Perhaps her affairs were/are exit affairs.

Maybe I was so blinded by the idea that this externally beautiful woman loved me that I missed the signs that she actually didn’t really love me back.   That’s the problem with low self esteem.   Perhaps I never cheated was due to the fact that I knew that if I did, she’d have no problems leaving me.   That if I didn’t walk the tight rope of being entertainer, great husband, and holding down a job, her love would leave.   Even though she made more money than me, I made a pretty decent salary and I did hold it down when it came to taking care of the home.   In the end, none of those things were enough and now I feel inadequate.   I believed her when she said she loved me, but I should have looked at her actions instead.

Me being hurt just makes me feel my fears and insecurities.   Why else would I still need her validation or her to want me back after the way she treated me?   But that’s just one side of the equation, on the other side is the fact that loyalty, love, my vows to her, God, and family are significant to me.

In truth, we’re just not compatible enough.   She is far from my ideal woman, and I was ok with that.   I still didn’t see it as settling.  But maybe she checked off enough marks on the box that I didn’t feel trapped and miserable.   On the other hand, maybe I didn’t check off enough of her boxes.   Or rather, the ones that matter to her the most.  So the temptation of greener grass was too tempting to give up.

It hurts to think that in the end, I just wasn’t good enough to her even though people will say that she probably wasn’t good enough for me.   She still didn’t have to humiliate and hurt me for her first affair partner’s sexual fantasy.   It says to me that she doesn’t respect her son as she would humiliate his father like that.  It says that she doesn’t respect herself to allow herself to be talked into doing such a thing.   I mean regardless of whether she loved me or not, the fact is that I was good to her.  I was still a friend, was active in our son’s life,  and she sold me out for some asshole’s dick.  We still have to co parent?  Why would she burn our friendship down to the ground like that? Why completely shut the door forever.   We could never be back together after that as she could never respect me after that.

Maybe they are right.  Maybe I was always too good for her.  I truly loved her and meant it in my vows.   I really did try for the sake of our marriage and our family.  I did want to make her happy.   She broke them in the worst ways possible.  She betrayed our family, our son, our friendship, and me.

The best and worst thing is that she doesn’t even realize it.   I guess that says a lot about her character, so in the end, I’m not really losing much by losing her.  At the same time I lose everything by losing my family.  I lost my self respect and dignity fighting for it and still ended up losing my family anyway.     The other bad thing is that she’ll never feel regret or remorse over how bad she hurt me.  I have to pretty much abandon any notion of justice or karma biting her back.

The only consolation prize is that I did what I thought was right ( I wasn’t perfect throughout this process either), but it still doesn’t do much to help me feel better about it all.  I mean it still feels like she cheated, won, and got away with it in the end.

Aint that a bitch.

 

 

 

 

Never say this to a betrayed spouse

“An affair is a symptom of an unhappy marriage, not the cause.”

While there may be some truth to the statement, I hate that statement.  It sounds like a line that a cheater would tell their accomplice or vice versa in order to make themselves feel better about doing what they were doing.     Like with most lies, it does contain some elements of truth.   Here are four reasons to never say that to someone who got cheated on.

1)  It seems to absolve the cheating party from all personal responsibility.  The cheating person seems to be justified, almost even exonerated for “doing what they had to do”.  Now it looks the victim had just as much blame as the cheater.  It’s like blaming a women in a sexy outfit for getting raped because she shouldn’t have been wearing suggestive clothing.

2)Marriage and committed relationships require communication and honesty.   If needs aren’t being met, then the other person should have the right to know.   If the betrayed spouse cannot/will not comply, then simply leave.   This isn’t about ownership or controlling someone, it’s about honesty.  You might not owe it to them to stay with them if you’re unhappy, but you do owe them some respect.   Especially if it’s that person who adores you, treated you well,  but you just don’t love them like that anymore.   It’s your responsibility to leave and hurt someone first, rather than to put them through the pain, trauma, and humiliation that comes along with cheating.  Nothing hurts worse than to be discarded by someone who pretended everything was just fine, only to suddenly hear that they were so unhappy.  The long term affects are just devastating.   In fact, a weird jedi mind trick that ‘bad boys’ know is that causing someone emotional pain and then pulling away a little is a great way to bond them closer to you.  You seek the validation they took and so you chase them even harder to get it back.  Then they slowly give it back keeping u on the hook.   It’s half of the nice and nasty game.

3)People shouldn’t be expected to read other people’s minds.   Again, if you’re pretending everything is cool until you find someone else to ‘entertain’ you then you’re dead wrong.   To me, it’s cowardice.    Many times, if someone really loved you, then they would try to make concessions for you and move mountains to make you happy.   Many adulterers know that.   Betraying someone who loves you is like setting off a bomb in a peaceful place.   You might expect it in a war zone, but how much worse is it when you never saw it coming.  It’s like sucker punching a person you’re getting along with in the face without even arguing or letting them know you had a problem with them.   If I offended you and you didn’t tell me and laughed like we were cool, why would you suddenly attack me.  Then you’d have the audacity to get angry if I fought you back.   The nerve of these assholes.

4)We know we aren’t perfect.  We never claim to be, but while we are scrambling, trying to get our self esteem back, trying to figure out what we did do wrong, we don’t need to hear that we weren’t paying enough attention, making enough money, sexy enough or whatever.   To us, it doesn’t justify cheating.   They were flawed as well, but we didn’t use it as an excuse to go crush someone who trusted us.

It’s funny how society always say that pedophiles, rapists, and murderers are horrible people (justifiably so), but yet adulterer’s crimes aren’t really all that bad.   It isn’t the act of cheating necessarily that’s the bad thing, but it’s the psychological hell and trauma that ensues afterwards that causes the problem.    For example, the act of rape is sex.   The problem is that it isn’t consensual and the after effects on the victim’s psyche is extremely traumatic.   It destroys people’s lives and it often takes a long time and a lot of therapy to recover.   Adultery often does victims the same way.  I’ve heard a few people call adultery emotional rape.   It really is that serious.

They get to wreck and destroy people’s lives with impunity.   Adultery seems to be the only crime where you can totally victimize someone and get off scott free.

 

 

9 ways being cheated on affects the betrayed

Realizing that your wife is having an affair is one of the toughest things a man might ever have to face.  It’s even more devastating that one could imagine….Especially if you truly loved and trusted her.   Emotional wounds are difficult to gauge as there are usually no external scars to see.   I’ve listed 9 of the things I’ve experienced over the last 2 years.  If you’re on the fence about whether to cheat on your spouse or not and you care for them in any capacity, this list will let you know what effect your actions will have on them.

1)Loss of self Esteem

The affair probably isn’t really about them.   If your spouse has no idea that you’re unhappy because you haven’t/couldn’t talk to them, they think that things are fine.   They aren’t mind readers.  If they truly love you, then they’d probably bend over backwards to try and address any issues you had with them, even if it hurt.  Trust me, cheating will hurt them way worse then just telling them what your problem is.

From a man’s perspective, though we might seem somewhat callous, it strikes at our very manhood.  Are we not good enough for you?  Funny enough?  Make enough money?   Were you faking it in bed?   We begin to second guess ourselves and wonder if we are good enough for anyone.   Is our game that bad.   It feels like a rejection who we are as a person.   Especially if we thought we were doing a pretty decent job as a husband.

How could you just throw away our memory, history, and friendship?  On a certain level, we feel worthless as you were probably the one of if not the most important person in our lives.

2)Causes PTSD symptoms

Songs, text notifications and ringtones from your type of phone, and even certain movies can trigger an anxiety attack.   Things associated with that time period of uncertainty and pain can suddenly bring on deep and profound pain.   My wife has an iPhone and hearing the buzzing of text notification causes anxiety in my heart, even when someone else in public is using the default.    Her being on the phone does it for me now.   I can’t help but wonder who she’s texting.

Certain popular love songs also trigger me as I often wonder if she associated those songs with her ‘lover’.    I don’t even want to see movies that came out at the time as I wonder if she went to see it with him.   Any new experience she talks about makes me wonder if she experienced them with him.   There are so many ‘landmines’ that cause triggers that the world seems like a mind field.

3)They lose trust in themselves

Cheating comes along with lying and ‘gaslighting’.  For those unfamiliar with the term, it basically means that you’re told that your map of ‘reality’ isn’t accurate.   You may be told that you don’t remember something accurately.  Or that something happened that didn’t really happen.   Either way, someone you really trusted to keep you grounded begins to make you question what you ‘know’.   Often times they are lying, but just as often, they are telling the truth.   It’s the worse mix as they aren’t always lying so you have to learn to determine what’s truth and what isn’t.   It’s enough to drive someone mad.

You don’t know what to believe at times.   In the case of my wife, she would be on the phone all day, but hold it at an angle where I couldn’t see what she was doing.  If I happened to catch a glimpse of the screen, she’d immediately return it to the homescreen.   Then I’d be accused of being nosy and not giving her ‘privacy’.   Of course that made me even more suspicious.   I’d then be accused of being insecure.

Now I’m questioning if I am insecure.   Even though I knew she probably wasnt’ texting him all day,  I knew that she did in between facebook, Instagram, texting her friends, and whatever the hell else she was looking at on there.   She’d lie and say she wasn’t, but I did catch it enough times to know that she did lie about it a lot.  IMHO it is insult to injury when you text a lover right in front your s/o.  But since I couldn’t prove it per se.  I could myself thinking that she was always doing it.  I realized that in her mind, I was being petty because I always accused her even though she only did it occasionally.

We also begin to wonder how we missed the ‘red flags’ and how could we trust ourselves to choose a person who wouldn’t to this to us in the future.

  4)Makes them lose faith in ‘love’

Betraying someone like that who trusted you makes it hard for them to trust anyone.   We expect people we treat right to treat us the same way.   We wouldn’t have gotten this deep into a relationship if we didn’t love, respect, and trust you.   To betray that makes us question everything when it comes to romantic relationships.   To us, love then seems like it’s just a temporary feeling of lust and infatuation.   It becomes downgraded from action, integrity, loyalty, respect, etc…..to just being a lusty/chemical feeling.   We feel stupid for having such a naïve view.

5)Makes you hate the other gender

The forums are flooded with MGTOW and red pill literature which states that women are hypergamous by nature and can really never truly love a man.   Sayings like “You can either love a woman, or understand her nature, but not both” or “She’s never yours, it’s just your turn” become mantras to us.   It’s happened to so many guys that it does seem that there is truth in ideas that women don’t have the capacity to love a decent man.    We see that bad boys and selfish men do better with women and we begin to hate women for that.

We want to become selfish players ourselves (out of necessity) or just not deal with women period.   Either way, we don’t want to put ourselves back into a vulnerable position for someone (women) who’d never have the capacity to truly appreciate it.    Honestly, I’m still wrestling with this.  I’m keeping my self open because I don’t want to believe that most women are like this.   But still, I don’t want to bury my head in the sand either.

6)Causes you to either lose or gain a lot of weight

You either eat a lot, don’t eat, or drink a lot of alcohol to cope.  Expect for them to have many sleepless nights as they toss and turn dealing with emotions that we aren’t used to having.    I lost about 15 pounds because I just couldn’t eat.   I was so tired that I was walking around like a zombie during my working hours.

7)Makes you jealous and obsessive

at one time I was obsessed with checking her phone records.  I couldn’t wait until she went to sleep to check her phone even though I knew she was still in constant communication with him.   I was also obsessed with researching affairs, MGTOW literature, and reading comments on these articles.   It became a game of cat and mouse where I was always looking for something to catch her in.   The problem is that when I did catch her, I’d just complain and argue, but she’d do nothing about it except lie or call me crazy.

8)Causes mentally instability

Sometimes you’re ready to throw in the towel and say screw it, but then an hour later you’re wanting to forgive and work on fixing things.   And I mean you feel each feeling with conviction.

I’ve learned that the cycle of grief.  You know from denial, to acceptance and in between are actually cyclical in nature.   You don’t just go through each phase once and be done.  You can go through each one several times in a day.

One minute you’re angry, the next you’re sad, the next you’re hopeful, then back to anger again.   It’s a truly shitty ride.  I don’t understand why some women are addicted to that ride.   I prefer nice, stable, ‘boring’ emotions.    Let me determine if I want to break out and choose to be enthusiastic or mad about something or not.    I don’t need something else determining that for me.

I used to be pretty emotionally stable.   I mean I never really cried or obsessed about anything that I didn’t choose to.  I’d have to make myself mad or sad or enthusiastic and after acting on that feeling for a bit, I could get into the role so to speak.     After that, it felt like I almost lost complete control of my emotions.   That’s a tough thing to handle.

     9)Makes you realize that emotional pain is just as real as physical pain

When people say that it hurts, it actually does.   While not centralized to a general location on your body like in a case where you stub your toe, it’s a weird sensation of generalized intense pain.    There have been nights I’ve been balled up on the floor in a fetal position, moaning, and crying, unable to breathe.   It felt like what I’d imagine an exorcism feels like.  TBH, I had  considered suicide, not at the idea of losing her, but just because the pain wouldn’t go away.    It was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.  (Well maybe cheaters so they’d know what the were doing to people).  I sometimes wish she could feel what I felt for a week.   It’s real.

Before you go out and cheat, I understand that it may not be your intention to do hurt someone this way, but seriously, if you have loving s/o at the house and children, please reconsider.   This new ‘flame’ most likely won’t work out in the long run.  Just look at the statistics on how the majority of relationships (married or not) turn out.   It may feel good now and seem like it will last forever, but damn near everyone feels that way in the beginning.   Eventually, that honeymoon phase will cool down the real person will emerge.   You just never know what you’re going to get, no matter how good it seems in the beginning.

I never expected this from my wife.  I’m sure she never expected this of me either.  Over the years, I proved myself to her, sacrificing in the name of true love and she threw it away for temporary feelings of lust and infatuation.   You just never know.  To take a chance like that and crush and destroy someone who truly loved you as well as your family home….yes your kids will suffer as well …  for a most likely temporary feeling is as selfish as it sounds.    If you decide to continue on this route, just know what you’re doing to someone who loved you.

If you “love” but are no longer “in love” with your spouse, please save the heartache.  Place your lover on the back burner for a minute and divorce them first.   If they are real and truly love you, they’d understand and will be there.   You are causing an innocent person who loves you pain beyond you could ever imagine.   You are also actually making it more difficult for them to find love again as they develop trust issues that could potentially run off anyone who would actually love them.  You are truly ruining their life.

 

 

 

 

Is love happiness?

My wife says that the main reason she wants to split is because she’s “not happy”.   She says that it has nothing to do with me and that I did nothing wrong.   She doesn’t say why she isn’t happy, but she somehow knows that being married to me is making her unhappy.   TBH, I think it has to do with her wanting to be with someone else.

Her behavior and lack of emotion towards me makes me realize that pursuing her now would be fruitless and probably have a negative effect.   Honestly, I don’t think I have it in my anymore due to the way she’s been acting as of late.      At  the same time, sitting there doing nothing, counting the days down to where i can move out doesn’t seem to be productive either.

It’s odd how, in a sense, I do feel that I am settling.  I mean she doesn’t really communicate her needs well.  She doesn’t seem to be self reflective.   She’s a cheater.  A liar.  Lacks introspection (Seems to believe the lies she tells to herself).  Is influenced by the bullshit in the world.   Secretive.   Seems to lack empathy for me.   Does things I absolutely abhor (cell phone addiction, faithfully watches reality tv) and won’t take responsibility for things she needs to do around the house.   She avoids problems, procrastinates, and then complains about things when they don’t get done.   She’s not adventurous, doesn’t take interest in my interests, and does things like (clean only when she’s expecting guests).  She’s selfish and is always complaining about some body aches, back pains, etc.  She wants a boob job even though I think she’s fine.   Has no hobbies, interests, passions (except travel, but she doesn’t plan trips either).   Her wants seems to come before our needs.  In essence, she personifies things I don’t like in the stereotypical western woman.   Ok, that’s harsh towards women, but she seems to be most of the things I don’t like.

She is pretty.   She doesn’t nag.  She isn’t the jealous type… and those things alone make up for a lot of the things I don’t like.   But the lack of loyalty, communication, empathy, effort, trust, and affection don’t balance it out.   She talks a good game to other people, but i think it just comes from knowing what people want to hear.  She’ll fool a lot of guys if we don’t make it.   Sorry for them if they fall for it.   She’d make a good trophy wife maybe, but I need a partner, not a ‘walking trophy’.  Or maybe I just don’t bring those things out of her.

Conversation is superficial at best and she never has any insightful input on deeper subjects.  Philosophy, spirituality, and politics (unless we’re bashing Donald Trump) are pretty much out the window.   Apparently, sleep is more important than sex to her (at least when it comes to me these days).  It seems she’s ‘saving herself’ for her bff and so I’m effectively involuntarily celibate now.

Yet, I accepted that that’s just who she is (the reason for no sex is just speculation).  I still loved her and our family unit regardless.   But yet, she’s the one who’s unhappy?  She may be an ok mother, but as a wife or partner for me, she’s horrible.

What irony…. she’s not happy.

I don’t understand why this is so painful for me.  I’d be fine by myself, or at least I keep telling myself that.  But in reality, i guess that I am already.

She lacks respect for me.  Hell, I lost self respect when I decided to put up with her shit.   My esteem has taken a toll for it.   But I did it for my family and not her per se so no regrets there.   Now that things have quieted down.  I don’t bother her about trying to ‘fix’ things nearly as much.  I guess that the last step is figuring out how to just lose hope completely and let go.   I don’t know why it’s been so hard.  I’m happy (well at least grateful what I do have), but i’m hurt right now.   I don’t understand how i could put up with her shit and yet still be willing to fight for our family and yet her love just disappeared to the point she’s ready to throw in the towel.   I’ve asked time and time again, what her issues are with me and the only thing is that “she doesn’t love me like that” anymore.

I’ve accepted that it is what it is, but it just bothers me not to understand why?  Perhaps the problem is that neither of us bring out the ‘best’ in each other.  Maybe it’s for the best.  It just feels like she gave up and isn’t even trying.   How could she just give up on our family like this?   Maybe deep down she knows something i just don’t.  Or maybe, she just gave up too fast.   I know things are going to work out whether together or apart.  It could just dismiss this as her being selfish.  I mean family first….right.  Our son does deserve a home…right.   Why does her ‘undefined’ sense unhappiness and aimless search for it have to come at the expense of our home?

Am i being selfish?  What am I missing in all of this?  Am I wrong for my views about marriage.   When do I throw in the towel?  I gave it my best shot.   How much more patience /time do I give it?  I don’t even know who to fight this fight and in the end, can we even win?   All I know is that it takes, two, I can’t force her to want it as much as me.   Why is it just so easy for her to throw it all away.   Why doesn’t she love us?  Why isn’t our family worth fighting for?   How do we make her so unhappy?   Why aren’t we worth it to her?   Is she truly evil  and selfish or am I just viewing this all wrong?  What is love anyway?  Is the feeling that important.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nice is the New Black

I met a woman who I’ve been talking and texting back and forth recently.  She’s sort of like that ‘stud’ type I talked about in a previous blog post though ‘straight’.   It’s almost as if the universe manifested her coming into my life.  Now, I don’t think she’s the one nor do I feel like she likes me like that.   She’s way younger than me and we went out a few times.  Had a lot of fun, joked a bit, and had some pretty deep and interesting conversations.

Her view on what my wife is doing (well she doesn’t know we’re actually married) is that it is what it is and I should just move on with my life.   She wants to hang out more, but I do still obligations.  She feels that I’m a ‘nice’ guy and even though I don’t defend myself, she said something that kind of bothered me…. that the reason my “girl” probably didn’t say anything to me about how she felt was because I would probably get upset and either cry or get upset.

It got me thinking like….wow.  Is that how I come across?  Shit, I mean, I am a pretty good person.   But if she thinks that I’m so soft that I can’t handle hard truths, then she’s mistaken.   I can handle truth.  Perhaps this is where the insecurity within me lies.

I’ve never screwed over a person intentionally in order to gain.  I mean I’ve lied (about small things), I’ve stolen things (shoplifted), done drugs, got into a few fights, been to jail over drug charges, probably driven a few times while way too drunk.  I did cheat on a girlfriend once, but I broke up with her after she confronted me (I didn’t lie to her after she ‘found out’).   I say all that to say that I know that I’m no saint.   I’ve made my share of mistakes, but my first instinct is to be fair and find my way without hurting others.

I do actually seek understanding, but if I come across as the type of person who can’t handle reality, then maybe it’s my fault.   My father was HARD on me so in the heat of the moment. When emotions are high like on a job with tight deadline, I can often overlook people’s ‘tone’ if I’m fucking up and get the job done.  I don’t take it personally.   I have been known to ‘correct’ people’s bad behavior if they get too far out of hand, so I do stand up for myself.   But again, I seek understanding first.  I am truly an empath.   I often find myself turning the other cheek, and usually, it works out for the best.

But it seems, that in these times (perhaps it’s always been that way), that empathic men are seen as weak.   I can say 100% that I’m no pushover.   Disrespect is not tolerated, I know I can fight pretty well.  I’m not afraid of getting my ass kicked.   I work out “hard” and can fight through a lot of pain and still keep going.  I’ve been beaten bad a few times in martial arts and boxing, but I never gave up or quit.   I’m not a tough guy, but I’m far from a pussy.

But I am an empath and that can easily be mistaken for a ‘nice’ guy.   I think that a lot of women I’ve dealt with appreciate the fact, but in the end, (as in the case of my wife), women end up losing attraction to guys like me.   I’m beginning to understand that while I can game a woman, just being myself and make her feel good, heard, and understood.   I can show her consideration that a lot of her ex bad boy ex’s didn’t and many do appreciate that, in the beginning.  But as with human nature, it’s easy to take things for granted.

I actually have to work at being an asshole and not show her consideration.   I like peace and solving problems, but from barbershop talk and Pickup forums, women like drama.   You have to keep them emotionally spiked in order to keep them interested or else they get bored.   This is why narcissitic bad boy types do well.   It’s just their nature to do “themselves” first and consider her second.   My nature is quite the opposite in that I adapt so easily and I really give too few fucks about things.   They can sin now and apologize later.  They treat them “nice” and “nasty”.    Me, I try not to hurt her in the first place because it makes me feel like I’m honoring her.   I’m a woman pleaser and putting her first is putting me first….as long as she respects me.   I think it’s why I love giving oral and I love receiving it as long as she’s totally into it.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t respect that in the long run and end up chasing after the guys who use her.   Balance.  I understand the principle.  My problem is that I treat them nice, but I fuck up in the “nasty” part.

Even worse, from an ego level, guys like me end up being involuntary cucks.  Bad boys are voluntary cucks because they screw women knowing they have men already.  I don’t mind sharing, but there are certain things I won’t do if I know she’s dealing with other people.   Bad boys don’t seem to care.   In this case, they win because they have the knowledge of what they’re doing.  Me, I don’t want to kiss a woman who recently sucked a dick.   That’s just me though.

So in order to maintain balance, I have to compromise my own sense of ethics and morality to be more assholey.   I have to learn to outright lie and put myself first.  I have to be willing and able to lie and hurt someone just to get what I want.   Laugh now, cry later.

Is sex even worth all this trouble for an empath?