My Reconversion Story (part 2)

Despite being no longer Christian, I eventually got the point of just allowing people to believe what they want.  Once the zeal of this new knowledge got kind of old.   I realized that winning a debate did not necessarily win people over or make them question their beliefs.

One weird thing happened to me once though while I was agnostic and studying occult and psychology.  I took my family to a Pentecostal church for a friend’s son’s Christening.  That day, they decided to do the communion.  I had done communion dozens if not hundreds of times in my life and was debating on doing it just because “when in Rome”…

As we stood there and they began telling the story of the it’s significance, I began to get extremely light headed and started sweating like a slave.  I had heard this story many times and read it in the bible, so it was nothing new.  But this time,  I started feeling really hot.   I was holding my son as we were all standing and he wanted to see.  I had to put him down.  The idea of drinking it (even though I knew it was just grape juice) made me nauseaus.  My heart started beating fast and I felt like I had to pass out.  In fact, I thought I was going to pass out and had to excuse myself to the restroom.  Traditionally, you don’t leave the room at that time, even if you don’t participate, but I had leave because I felt myself beginning to lose consciousness.   I sat down on the toilet and it took me a few minutes to recover.

Of course I googled it when I got home and couldn’t find any explanation other than people passing out due to a sudden change of blood pressure from standing for so long.  I was holding my 4 year old son, but I was also in the best shape of my life at the time.  I still can’t explain it to this day.   I wanted to go back to church to see if it happened again, but never did.  I will say though, that last year, another opportunity arose for me to take communion and I didn’t feel as sick even though I decided not to take it.   But a few months ago, after deciding to return to the faith, it didn’t affect me, even though I feared that it might.  There was something about drinking the “blood” of Jesus that made me feel very sick.  I still can’t explain it.    Even though I knew it was just juice, something just made me feel weird.

I felt that way one other time, after I decided to come back to the faith.  This was while listening to a Paloumaembe (offshoot of Vodun) ritual on a youtube video.  They were speaking Spanish, but there was something about the drum pattern and the chanting that made me feel sick on the inside.   Though not as bad as the 1st communion incident, it could have easily gotten that bad if I didn’t turn it off.

I didn’t come back to the faith for a few years after the church incident.   1 other thing stands out to me about that time.  I was trying to learn how to self hypnotize myself into an orgasm because sex was getting less frequent with my wife.   Whenever i’d put myself into a trance and begin visualizing.  She’d begin to get very restless and start moving around in her sleep.  It almost seemed to happen on queue.  I thought I was coincidence at first, but the more I did it, there seemed to be some sort of connection to me doing it and her becoming restless.   I wasn’t praying to God at the time and I wonder if I did something as she isn’t saved yet.  Did I open her up to be attacked be a spirit or something?  Maybe that’s why she started acting so evil a few months later.

Either way, there’s something about tragedy that causes you to come running back to God.  They say that there are no atheists in foxholes.   Dunno how true that is.  I didn’t immediately start back praying after Dday.   I just didn’t believe enough.

Ironically one of the things that got me believing again was Pickup.  I was learning game and about the concept of “inner game”.  It parallels the idea of biblical faith so closely.  It essentially says that what you “believe” about yourself will manifest itself into your interactions with women.  It states that belief comes first and manifestation comes later. Basically failure is losing confidence.  In the bible, it says in Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of what you hope for, the evidence of things unseen.  I’ll write an article explaining it in more detail.   Basically though, this faith is being applied to yourself as opposed to God.

Another thing that got me to return is the idea of reality vs Actuality.  I wrote about it in another post.  It basically says that Reality is only our interpretation of Actuality.  It is colored by our beliefs and we can only approximate Actuality.  Our view of it is skewed by our beliefs so we cannot accurately say what is the “real” nature or what isn’t.  We’re are stuck in subjectivity and cannot get out of it.  Because of that fact, we are somewhat free (or cursed) depending on how you look at it, to shape our reality through our beliefs… at least more free than we think.

The final thing for me is that true love is similar to faith in God.  It is a choice.  We are compelled to believe things because they seem true to us.  This is similar to being in love vs true love.   Being in love compels us to do nice things for others.  We don’t really choose who we fall in love with.  We do choose who we stand in love with though.   It’s why it’s important to guard your heart, especially while married.

Being in love is a physiological response to a chemical condition.  It compels people to come together for mating.  It is biology and genetics.   It encourages us to get along and accept a person for long enough to reproduce and raise kids old enough to survive physically.   It does feel good, but under it’s influence, we don’t really have the choice of whether or not we love that person.   This is why people who can be totally incompatible  with one another can still “fall in love.”  People who are “in love” are drawn to one another as by some force and will do whatever to be with one another.

Being in love is an addiction and it explains how later, once the chemicals wear off, people who were once so in love, begin to hate or become apathetic to each other.   They expect for the “in love feeling” to always last without putting in any work.   And when it doesn’t they feel that they’ve grown apart or things just aren’t working.  In this model, the feeling comes first, the action follows.   Just as In science, the evidence (the feeling) comes first, the belief (actions) follows.

Standing in love is a choice.  The romantic chemicals no longer compel you to see that person in a glowing light.  You see them for who they really are.  The highs you once experienced are no longer as high.  You no longer feel as motivated to look out for “them first.”  Naturally, you want to move on and fulfill your biological desire for gene diversification.

But you can choose to Love that person.  That is, show love first, even if you aren’t feeling it at the moment.  You choose to see the good in that person even though the bad is shining at the moment.  You choose to give even if you don’t want to.  Once you begin to invest and choose to love, you will begin to accept it and feel “in love” again.  But you cannot rely on autopilot.  You have to make the choice to act and desire to feel it.   You will, and I think that it is an exercise on how we can take control to  shape our reality.  Staying committed to our vows is the way through and I believe that if done correctly, the satisfaction of making to that level is far more satisfying than the temporary but intense “In love” feelings.

True love is a choice.  Being in love isn’t.  Standing in love requires action before feelings.   While being in love your feelings compel you to action.   I see it the same as with Faith.  I choose to believe in God, not because I’m compelled to from science or History.  But because I choose to.  And now that I choose to, I see the evidence all around me.   I feel the Love of Christ Jesus and it’s important to me.  I now know that I can never debate an atheist using logic because it just won’t work.  I know it sounds ridiculous, and I get it, I was once there.

Understanding the significance of Jesus as a concept might help, but without the physical evidence, I don’t know if they even care enough to really think about it.   But they have to conclude that choosing to believe in God is worth it.  I can’t make that choice for them.   They want to be compelled to believe in God and I think He wants us to choose it  before we see the evidence.

Just as standing in love dictates choosing it first(act) and then you’ll see (feel) the evidence.  In both Christianity and True Love, you walk by faith and not by sight.  But you will eventually “see” the light.

This is why when it comes to marriage, “following your heart” is a horrible idea that destroys families and breaks apart homes.   Maybe I’ll write post detailing that later.  I just wish my wife understood that.











My reconversion story (part 1)

Being born and raised as a Baptist in the south, I never really questioned the existence of God.

I was told as a child that I’d someday grow up and be a pastor by a pastor.  I grew up singing in the choir, going to sunday school, and vacation bible school  in a church where both of my parents were active members.   I always assumed that the stories, the bible, the church, Jesus, God and everything was true.

I mean I was truly indoctrinated into this belief system and never questioned it.

I did have a few unanswered questions, but it never shook my faith.  I always figured that there was an explanation and that I either needed to study more or that God would reveal the answer to me.  Simple apologetics was enough to answer many doubts that I presented to other more studied Christians.

I did go through the typical rebellious teenage years, but never really questioned my faith in God, even though I wasn’t exactly acting all Christian like.   Eventually, I came back around and decided to dedicate my life to God and started reading the bible and praying.  I had never read the entire bible, but decided that it was time to do so.  It took about a year to get through the whole thing the first time, but ironically, reading it actually caused me to turn away from the faith.

It wasn’t the only reason, but definitely a major one.  In an attempt to research things online that I had questions about.  (We didn’t have internet like that when I was young).  I discovered apologetics and counter apologetics.  I began to wonder why muslims and Jews didn’t believe that Jesus was the Son of God.  I wondered why Catholics thought it was ok to “worship” Mary.  Why did Jehovah witnesses believe that Jesus wasn’t actually God, but just the Son of God.  I wanted to be able to answer those people in an effort to convert them to Christ.

The best answer that my Christian peers could give was that they were all being deceived by Satan.   I began to think that if they sincerely held their beliefs, but were being tricked, who’s to say that I wasn’t being deceived myself.   How could God allow them to be tricked into going to Hell?  Didn’t He love us all?

I was told that they knew the “truth”, but chose to deny it by following men and “the traditions of men”.  That the answers were all in the bible and all you had to do was read it.  But then, I discovered that there were doctrinal differences even within protestant denominations.  How could they all be reading the same bible, claim to be led by the same HOly Spirit, and yet come to different conclusions about the interpretations.

I wanted to follow God in Truth and in spirit.  I didn’t want to be deceived because of my traditions and upbringing.  I started studying why Jews didn’t believe and it made a lot of sense.  I read up on what Muslims believed, and it did make sense.  Even though I disagreed with a few things, I realized that I did need to study it more.   I started listening to Christian and atheist debates and to my surprise, many atheists knew as much, if not more about the bible than the Christians did.

I spent hours devouring people’s deconversion stories and their reasons.   I prayed for God to send me a sign.  A real sign and not some coincidental a cup blowing in the wind a few minutes later.   I sincerely wanted to follow God in Truth.   Meanwhile  I began studying the historicity of the bible, how it was commissioned, the historical evidence of the stories in the bible and was disappointed to see that that much of it is easily debatable.   That the  Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) may not have been written by (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John).   I found a channel on YouTube called the Atheist Experience where believers were asked to call in and debate the Atheist hosts (one formerly a preacher) and saw how he easily demolished their arguments.

I began to debate my Christian friends online and many of them used simple apologetic arguments that were easily destroyed using logic, reasoning, and the bible itself.  The majority of them had never even read it.  They didn’t know about the strong’s concordance.  They had never heard of the council of Nicea or the Council at Trent. Very few heard of how Constantine declared Christianity the de facto religion of Rome.  They didn’t know about Roman Scholars like Pliny the Elder or Josephus.  Many didn’t know the dating of the books of the bible or Gospel.

I learned about logic, rhetoric, and logical fallacies and used them like weapons, dismantling, fairly easily anyone who was foolish enough to engage in debate.  I think I only lost one debate and that was to a Calvinist who said that God decides “who gets it” and who doesn’t.  And that everyone wouldn’t be saved.   He didn’t know why God chose who He did, but it wasn’t his concern.  His concern was leading the people who was predestined to be saved to Christ.

Apologists like William Lane Craig and Matt Slick were completely outclassed when debating the Matt Dilahunty’s and Sam Harris’s online.   They made the apologist arguments look foolish.  Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens became like heroes to me.  Their knowledge and critiques of Christianity and religion in general were compelling,  well thought out, and presented well.

Despite that, I never described myself as an Atheist and pretty much ran under the umbrella of Agnostic.   I no longer believed in a Judeo-Christian god.   I did believe that there could be a God out there, but I couldn’t say for sure.  Let alone know what He wanted from us.

I began to study mysticism and occult knowledge and became fascinated with the apparent link between psychology and occultism.   I knew that logic and our knowledge about the world around us hasn’t yet been able to explain certain phenomena.  I had the idea that there was more to the world than meets the eye.





4 am thoughts

She’ll probably never feel the guilt of the way she hurt me. I’m foolish to assume that she could ever understand the weight of the pain she caused me.

If she had an ounce of compassion or empathy, she could have never continued to hurt me.

In 9 years of knowing me, she never saw me cry. But seeing me cry and dry heave from pain didn’t deter her from continuing to disrespect, lie, and cheat.

I just don’t get how adulterous partners could knowingly inflict so much pain onto their spouses. How can they not feel enough remorse to just stop for a minute.

How could she devalue me and our sons feelings so much? How could she deny the fact that even if she fell out of love with me, I was always good to her.

As if any love we had was meaningless. As if I didn’t deserve the respect. She KNEW that I was in pain. She KNEW that her actions completely destroyed me. On top of that, these actions were morally wrong. They stood against everything she used to believe in. I cannot believe for one instance she thought that adultury was ok.

She saw me crying, losing weight from not being able to eat, and not being able to sleep. I told her How painful this was….and yet she continued to text and communicate in front of my face. Lying about it, but she knew that I knew.

How could she secretly let him listen in on speaker as I shared these feelings with her? How could she let him coach her into teasing me as she masturbated while he listened in? How could she allow him to use my hurt and humiliation to let him get off?

How could she betray me so fully? She said his name during sex and went back and told him. And he just laughed about it. How could she use my pain to stroke his ego?

Why was she only apologetic because he chastised her about actually having sex with me?

I’m her son’s father!!!her husband!!I was always there for her. I never cheated. Never beat her. Never cursed her. I treasured her and treated her as my queen. I listened to her. I worked and helped around the house. I remembered important dates. I was patient with her.

I wasn’t a pushover, i stated my opinions, but always sought compromise. I never belittled or rediculed her opinions. I accepted her for who she was. I always told her that I loved her. I did small things to show my appreciation. I may have teased her about not knowing what i liked as far as gifts go, but, it was an insider joke that she also used to laugh about.

I wasnt perfext, but a damn good husband. To this day, she never told me what I did so wrong to deserve that. She still can’t say why she’s unhappy with our marriage.

I know she’s not obligated to stay or love me, but she did owe me some respect.

Betrayal like this isn’t something I’d wish upon anyone. Well except for those who betrayed someone else like that so theyd know 1st hand the pain and damage they inflicted on someone else.

But despite that, no matter who caused it, or whether or not she’s truly remorseful, it’s my pain to bear and my load to carry and noone else can feel it for me. It’s my responsibility to get through this.

Although I know that there are others who go through this….it’s very probable that someone is having a dday right now….it does little with removing the pain.

If anyone reading this is going through this and it’s recent, I’m not gonna sugarcaot it. It’s going to hurt….bad….for a long time.

Then it’s going get a little better, and then bad again. Really bad. Eventually though, the highs and lows on the emotional rollercoaster won’t be so extreme.

Unfortunately, the only the thing that helps is time. If you can get away from that person, do it. Yes it hurts. You will want to cling on to the possibility of fixing it, but if they are on the fence, your feelings are second or third to their wants. Your heart will simply be collateral damage in their eyes.

It’s unfair, it hurts, but they don’t care, no matter how much you want them to or think they should.

Hope on working it out hurts. Expecting true remorse or karma keeps you trapped in requiring their validation. Your self esteem is shot and as long as they hold they key to restoring it, you’re going to suffer.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Fuck that asshole, they don’t deserve you nor your kids. They can NEVER repay you for what they did.

But they don’t know nor care anymore and you must accept that. You have to eventually forgive and even though it’s so unfair that they destroyed your family and hurt everyone. You have to fight your emotions and be cordial for the kids.

It doesn’t seem like it, but you will recover. Damaging the kids by getting revenge through them will last them a lifetime. You have to continue to do what’s best for them even if it hurts you to the core to do so. You really have no choice in the matter as you are bound to your morality. Sometimes it hurts to hold to your convictions. NOone said it would always be easy. If it helps, just know that It’s not for that person, it’s for the kids.

Having been through it, I don’t judge you or your newfound emotional instability. I understand how, despite them showing you that you dont matter, you want to hold on. People who’ve never felt it will judge you and on a certain level, you know they’re right.

It is one of the most hurtful and humiliating thing that could happen to a person. It’s traumatic and unfair.

They destroyed the family home with no remorse and it’s totally unfair to you. The pain does get better, slow ly, but in my case 2 years out and still married, you will get more and more numb.

I am finally ready to move on and accept that she no longer loves me. Though I feel sad for our son and (unless God intervenes) the loss of the family, I pray he’ll get through this pain.

I realize that there must be better out there for me. Even if I never find anyone else to love me, it would be better to be single and no longer feel the shame of loving someone who doesn’t even respect me.

But if you decide to work it out, I’d say pray and get close to God. Pray for God to strengthen His relationship with them. Their wicked sinful nature prevents them from seeing the light.

Ask for Him to draw you closer and in reality, your relationship with Him should be stronger than with your spouse.  Otherwise, your spouse and marriage becomes an idol.  People and institutions are flawed and placing your hopes in them first will inevitably disappoint you every time.  The other alternative is placing yourself first as the God in your life.  That leads to narcissism, chronic grass is greener syndrome, and ultimately dissatisfaction with life, no matter how successful you become.

Once I realized what a relationship with God really means, and to be born again (kill your ego). Things became a bit easier. For me, at least for now, I think I’m supposed to forgive and keep fighting and praying for our family.

But now, belief that He can and will restore things ironically has me second guessing if I really want to work it out.

The Top 10 problems with women in Atlanta

After briefly getting back into the dating scene, I discovered to my dismay that numbers do indeed lie.  It’s been estimated that there are up to 80,000 more single women than men in the Metro Atlanta area.  At first glance many single men would look at that number and start licking their lips like ll cool J at an awards ceremony.   There is a but and a big one at that….in fact there are quite a few.

That number should be caveated with a few stars.

Here are the top 10 problems I have with African American women in the A.

1.  They don’t know what they really want

On one hand so many women claim to want a ‘good man’. Unfortunately, the actions that causes a man to be ‘good’ also makes him boring.  This guy works hard, doesn’t have much time to hang out and run the streets because he’s busy working, spending time with his kids, and there is any time left over giving back to the community or pursuing his personal hobbies.  There isn’t much ‘edge’ to a soccer dad.  Often time, these men don’t feel the need to fabricate drama because he already has enough on his plate.   I’ve noticed over and over that if the guy isn’t cheating on his wife, then she’s probably cheating on him.  The guy she is often cheating with is a street dude who just can’t seem to quite get it together.

These women often start the married life and discover that marriage isn’t the drama they’re used to seeing either in their past or on reality t.v.  This leads them to crave the attention that these thirsty dudes will give them.   With women’s liberation and shows like Love and Hip Hop and Insecure showcasing that it’s ok to be thotting out here, many would forego the drudgery of the married life and prefer to be a single mother….that is until they see what it is an miss the stability.  In short, many suffer from a perpetual ‘grass is greener’ syndrome and unfortunately aren’t self reflective enough to see it for what it is.   The me first attitude many have will have them ‘follow their hearts’ at the expense of their families and kids.  Many don’t realize that following their hearts really means they are following their hormones.

Sadly, i’ve seen too many women walk out on their families and break their kid’s home because they simply got ‘bored’.

2)Unrealistic Expectations

We live in an era where television and social media makes keeping up the Jones’ a damn near impossible task.  While desiring nice things in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it becomes problematic when those ‘nice’ luxury items become a source of internal validation.

Instead of buying an affordable car and buying affordable clothes in order to save for the future, many want the big house, nice car, and expensive vacations ASAP.   They want to show their frenemies how successful they are.   Their men suddenly become accessories to that.  They want the tall, funny, rich, handsome, and successful guy.  Anything less is considered settling and while they might ‘settle’ for a while, as soon as this guy comes along paying them with with validation and promises, they’re willing to leave their families behind to get what they ‘deserve’.

If not, they hold it against their husbands who, may not be perfect, but is willing to work, build with them, and help out with the kids.  Out of resentment for what they lack, they focus on the bad, and begin to devalue their men.

They are so arrogant as to think that when Mr. Perfect with everything going for him comes along, that somehow, their generic selves will be enough to sway him into choosing her only.  Yeah, he might smash, but dudes with a lot of options like that probably isn’t settling down anytime soon.  Besides he probably knows the game and knows that women with husbands or boyfriends cheat all the time anyway.  How can a player who has screwed a lot men’s wives and girlfriends ever really trust a woman.  Especially if he knows you were/ are attached?

3)They like to be mistreated

The way to short circuit their view of their imperfections is to treat them bad.  For some reason,  most women will overlook a shit load of flaws if you treat them like crap.  It almost seems like the worse you treat them, the more they love you and less likely they’ll cheat.   I’m not saying to go out and beat them and steal from them, but my observation is that the guys who cheat and talk down to their women don’t get cheated on or left.  If she does leave, she still ‘loves’ him enough that she’d be willing to come back if he ‘changes’ his ways.  Often they can be strung on for a long time with just the promise to change.

It seems like all you have to do is show interest and provide validation and promises.  Once you do that, they’re hooked and once you do that commence with the asshole behavior.  Just mix it up just enough to be ‘nice’ sometimes.   A few tears about how people don’t get you every once in a while doesn’t hurt either.

4.  They are boring as hell

Most women don’t really have any real hobbies.  Pretty much all of them say that they like traveling or cooking, but many don’t have any passport stamps or spend very little time in the kitchen.  If married, they expect their husbands to provide all of the entertainment (on top of all the other things they expect).   Fail to provide any one of those things, then you can expect that your sweet wife will quickly fall in love with that old facebook friend or co worker who promises to provide them with all of the stuff they ‘deserve’.

Taking responsibility for anything outside of their careers seem like a foreign concept to them.  Many hate the outdoors because they don’t want to get their hair wet.  Or feel too good to go out and get dirty.  Things must seem luxurious in order for them to get a sense of satisfaction.   If it ain’t ‘Gram’ worthy then it isn’t worth doing.

Instead of taking responsibility for finding happiness for themselves, they just complain of a general sense of unhappiness.  Maintaining a black woman for a long time is a LOT of work and full of land mines.  They feel that it’s your responsibility to make them happy.  They want fun and laughter, but aren’t fun or funny themselves.

They are hooked to their cell phones and social media.  You can’t even have a decent conversation or just sit down, vibe and enjoy the moment without them constantly on their phones.  It’s almost like you’re competing with iPhone for their attention and it gets super annoying.

5.  Selfishness

Many black women are selfish and entitled.  They cannot seem to get over themselves.  They can’t seem to get the concept of loyalty.  Commitment is optional and is only based on if you can make them feel good.  She’s always searching for the next best thing and you best believe if someone comes along giving more validation and feel good feelings, she’s out in the parking lot with his cock in her mouth with you on speaker phone telling you she’s out getting groceries.  Her “heart” (hormones) drive her actions.  She feels justified because she “deserves” to be treated a queen and have what she wants regardless of what she does.

6.  Amoral

While most women will hit you with the spiel that they are good women, they are at best Amoral.  This simply means that she will become that lying, cheating, disrespectful bitch she talks shit about on TV and not feel a damn thing is wrong with her doing it.  She’s like a die hard trump supporter/Obama hater.  She criticizes immoral behavior in others but perpetuates it with no guilt if she does the same thing.  She cannot see her own hypocrisy.  As long as things go her way, she stands on her convictions, but as soon as the guy who says the right things come along, Ms. Jesus is my everything is taking it up ass in the church parking lot because he makes her feel good.

7.  Lack self reflection

Their self esteem is so fragile that any perceived threat to their “greatness” is an immediate turn off.  They cannot seem to accept the fact that imperfections don’t define who they are as people.  When confronted with the truth or any form of criticism, no matter how tactfully delivered, they immediately react by either shutting down or getting angry.  They cannot stand to look at themselves in a mirror and fix or work on their flaws.  Instead, they’d prefer to cover these flaws with makeup and pretend they don’t exist.  You must handle them with kiddie gloves because their egos can’t take anything less than them being perfect.

They don’t look at actions as means to measure reality.  Just feelings and words.  In other words, if they “feel” something is true, then it must be so.

8.   Arrogant

Thirsty dudes will say anything to get into a woman’s panties.  They know this, but in spite of that, they walk around with a huge ego thinking that they’re God’s gift to man.  On a conscious level, they would never admit it, but deep down, they somehow feel deserving of Mr. Perfect no matter what they actually bring to the table.  Anything less is settling.  They think that their looks alone is enough to warrant that. If she has a great job or career, then it’s pretty much guaranteed that she thinks she’s too good for you if she makes more money.

Here in Atlanta, you have these women all gassed up by simps and players alike.  There are too many 5’s and 6’s thinking that they are 9’s and 10’s.   Just because a guy wants to get in your panties doesn’t mean that he actually wants to be with you.  For most men, it’s just a numbers game to see if she’s willing to give it up.

Deep down they know that they aren’t all that.  It’s why they constantly crave and seek validation so desperately.  But lack of self reflection prevents them from realizing this.

9.  Generic

Most don’t have a real personality, and are truly generic.  They want to ‘fit in’ so badly that they conform to whatever the flavor of the month is.  Strangely enough, they feel that they are somehow unique even though they like, respond to, and act pretty much the same.

Ask any female what she likes and I guarantee you that Traveling is the first on the list.  Looking through online dating sites will pretty verify that.  Damn near every one reads alike.

10.  Hypergamy Rules

With great careers and an endless supply of simps willing to wife or pretend they want to wife them, women now live in a perpetual state of grass is greener.  She may settle somewhere for a while, but when the going gets tough, it’s ALL on the man to be able to supply them with the hormonal rush of new love.  Even after it gets old.  Many are boring as ish anyway so don’t mind raising kids alone.  Besides, Mr. Next best thing is right around the corner.   Today’s women don’t understand the concept of loyalty and are only as loyal as they can be while it’s easy and they are “feeling it.”

Sure, you can attract a woman for a short time.  She could even fall in love.  But most are not interested in standing in love.   Most don’t understand the concept and would prefer to be powerless to her emotions.   Sadly it doesn’t work that way, especially in marriage.

Today, they have their own careers, the courts are stacked in their favor.  They are told to “follow their hearts” (regardless of who gets hurt in the process) They don’t have to choose love.  True love is a choice.  True love is honoring your commitment even when it doesn’t feel right.

Unfortunately, being a single mother is a badge of honor in today’s society and because they are following the lower hypergamous nature of choosing a mate for either resources or genetic variation, most of them would prefer to follow their animal instincts.    Their independence and abundance of thirsty and immoral men makes this all too easy.

It really all comes down to not knowing how to really love someone.  The irony here is that while most claim to want true love, most are uncapable of and become dissatisfied with showing it to someone who truly loves them back.


















To my wife’s boyfriend

I’m struggling between whether I should shake your hand or punch you in the face repeatedly.

Maybe I’ll do both, but not in that order.

But however it goes down, just know that your  white knight dreams of saving the beautiful princess from her horrible husband and child is just a fantasy.  I’m not a bad guy.  You made yourself my enemy.  You find glory and an ego boost in feeling like “the better man.”  You may be… until you aren’t anymore.

Do you honestly believe that you’re the only fearless knight who she allowed into her walls because she “loved” him?maybe you’re her new soul mate.

I’ll bet texting and talking to her all day makes you feel special huh? Like you’re somehow so connected. I ain’t gonna lie, she had me like that too at first. Shit I married her. But not too long ago, the other dude she was texting and talking to all day felt the same way.

So your princess who is willing to lie and cheat on her husband as opposed to just leave and divorce must be some angel.  Some prize.

This virtuous woman who decided that instead of working on the issues in her marriage felt that the best way to fix her marriage was to go out and have an affair.

She was even kind enough to accept her evil husbands grace of trying to fix things for the family while secretly continuing the affair. Another story.

Turn the page.

Now I guess it’s your turn. Tbh the wicked king is tired of her lies. In truth his heart is conflicted.

He has tough choices to make.

He is caught between either hurting his son by letting her destroy the home or honoring his vows for better or for worse by continuously praying for her.  The battle has turned inward.  There is a civil war that rages between his own heart and mind.  Principles and esteem.

He is tired of fighting for a queen who doesn’t appreciate him. Who spits in his face and knowingly injures and disrespects him.

He feels cursed that he loves her. But he swore to His God that he’d honor his commitment and vows to the best of his ability.  He owes it to his family to fight.  He owes it to his son to protect him.

His job was to protect the home. But how can he protect it from betrayal. Pro tip. Betrayal won’t come from your enemies.  How do you fight an enemy when cost of the collateral damage

How can he protect his young son from the soul crushing pain of seeing his home ripped apart, but at the same time, he cannot force her to stay nor be happy.

Sacrifice must be a choice, true love is a choice, but that type of love and happiness must be chosen. But as with any choice, she has the right to make a different one.

And so now you choose to try to “save” her? Who knows, maybe you will succeed. And Maybe it’s not her you’re rescuing. Maybe it’s me.

Maybe the curse of loving her will finally be lifted and I can laugh again without the needles in my body constantly poking my chest. I can eat without them stabbing my stomach. Maybe I can finally get some damn sleep.

Maybe I won’t be so obsessed with checking her phone records and angry about being lied to all the time.

Maybe you can handle the curse of loving a lying, cheating, disrespectful woman.  It seems that you’re doing well with it so far.    They say if they’ll cheat with you, they’d cheat on you.   Maybe they’re wrong, but you assisting with breaking a home and separating a son from his Dad knowing that she is capable of lying and cheating should be enough to deter you.

But maybe she convinced you that your love is worth risking it all for.  Wait, you’re not risking anything.   Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that  you’re different. This could never happen to you.  I’m sure her other “soul mate” thought the same thing.  He was willing to risk his family.  That “love” ended up on the pile of broken hearts and dashed dreams that usually accompany this type of betrayal.  But this love is different huh, it’s strong enough to withstand the test of time.  It’s sure to endure the challenges of life.  We once thought the same thing.

Now a fragment only remains.  In a deep place in my heart.  I know you’re hopeful that your assault against me will finally snuff it out.  Maybe it will and I’ll be alleviated from the curse of this love.  It’s heavy and painful.  It took me through hell and has landed me in limbo.  Perhaps you will succeed in finally exstinguishing the flame and I can finally ascend back to earth.   I kind of miss the stability of gravity.  I miss feeling normal.

This ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.  But we live with our choices and sometimes die in spite of them.

Either way, you still disrespectful, but it’s not worth fighting over.   I  still might just fuck you up when I see you though.

Follow your heart

It’s odd how so many people want to get married. I thought the point was to stay together forever or at the very least, do anything in your power to try and fix it if problems arise.

What’s the point in taking a vow to love, honor, and cherish forever if at the first sign of trouble is to run. Why commit to loyalty if as soon as that mutual crush at work admits to their feelings, your loyalty to your spouse or family becomes a worthless obstacle.

I’ve seen in infidelity and divorce forums, time and time again that many people say that you should always “follow your heart.”

I whole heartedly disagree. The heart is deceitful, wicked, and changes with your emotions. It is easily manipulated and often wants what it cannot or does not have. Callously following it is the primary cause of broken homes in society today.

The Eat, Pray, Live so doctrine so many women subscribe to is the twin sister of the Satanism creed of “Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.” It’s just repackaged neatly since Satanism still carries negative connotations in today’s society. In essence, both pretty much teach that “YOUR HAPPINESS” in life is of primary importance regardless of who gets hurt or damaged in the process. It leaves it up to the individual to sort out how to get there.

There are no rules or guidelines regulating this process.

Without a framework guiding you, you are always looking externally for a source to fill that desire for happiness.

Sure, you may find it temporarily, but again, that “heart” wants what it wants and if we dont control it, other becomes like a spoiled child.

Without regulation, empathic actions, your responsibilities, and anything else that requires sacrifice causes an undying sense of dissatisfaction. There is no longer any nobility in sacrifice for the greater good. You are no longer responsible for being your brother’s keeper. It’s all about you.

Many women (and men) are buying into this and sadly, they don’t see the damage it’s doing. I am targeting women because stats show that women are responsible for filing over 70% of divorces today. Maritial dissatisfaction being the number one cause. Good men are now being left in droves because many of these women won’t take the responsibility of settling for anything less than “happiness.” They want the man to provide everything and will put a laser focus on whatever he doesn’t. The lion’s share of women leaving mostly good for the possibility of even better comes from college educated, financially independent women. Their hearts convince them that they cannot find happiness and they use all sorts of justifications to either cheat, leave, and destroy their homes. Their heart leads and it becomes their “reality”.

I know that some men are actually douchebags and are truly bad husbands, but I’m not talking about those cases.

On one hand, I get it, a decent looking woman doesn’t have a problem with getting a date. She doesn’t need any personality or even morals as men are visual and thirsty. Because of that, she perceives that she has a “high” social value.

Unfortunately, she often doesn’t realize that thirsty dudes will say ANYTHING to get laid. These women walk around with over inflated egos and an entitled sense of grass is greener syndrome. Anything less than their idealized version of “perfection” is settling….in the case of a good guy that is.

On the other hand, the most charming and exciting of us are also usually players. They’ve learned to give just enough emotional connection and attraction to hook them, but just enough unavailability to keep their “hearts” discontented. That hooks them enough to keep them chasing.

I finally learned the hard way that most woman want what they cannot have. I realize that to truly love back unconditionally means that she’ll get bored and either leave or cheat.

To them, there’s more passion in the chase than in actually having his undying love.

This explains why women can’t seem to get enough of the dudes who could care less after they get sex. They get bored with the guys who treat them like queens for too long.

Bad boys and players live by the “do as thou wilt” code and it’s not surprising that they easily attract so many women. Like does attract after all.

Unfortunately this is breeding another generation of narcisstic and selfish bastards who’s primary concern is their own happiness by any means necessary and the cycle continues.

This means that if I cannot ever truly love a woman the way i’d like to without losing her, then there is no point to being married. If it’s ok to just walk away and it’s not in fashion to fight for a family if it ain’t easy….and it’s wrong to want to hold people to their vows if they aren’t happy. What’s the point?

WTF are they thinking?

Cheating spouses have a lot of issues.  Divorcing over an affair complicates things in so many ways.

I’m wondering though, what the heck are they thinking when they decide to have an affair and then introduce the kids to the person they cheated with.

As a betrayed, cheating is the ultimate disrespect, but to add insult to injury, they expect you to accept bringing the kids around that home wrecking sob who kept your spouse distracted from working on the real issues in the marriage.  Yeah, the wayward is mostly to blame, but the other person also has some responsibility too.

They want the kids to accept that person who’s partially responsible for the pain of having their home broken up.

Ok, I get that if they cheat on you, then it’s not really worth keeping them around.  They don’t love you and who wants to be with someone who doesn’t love them back.  You do deserve better, even if you do get the bigger picture.

Fine.  Let them live their cheating life. Even if they end up treating the other person better, the bottom line is that they are not treating YOU with the respect and honesty you deserve.

It’s bad enough that the home wrecker gets the ego boost of feeling like they’re somehow better than you because they were able to “take your spouse.”   That person knew that they were encroaching on disrespect to you by being in an affair with your spouse.  They knew and didn’t care that their douchery would cause an enormous amount of emotional pain to your kids.  They didn’t care that their “happiness” came at the cost of emotional damage to your kid.

But now, they want you accept that they are a part of the kid’s life.   It’s like if someone killed your parents and now want to adopt you.

In my case, I’m sure my wayward would love to keep this secret and pretend her “friendship” to uncle douchebag whitenight just suddenly blossomed into “love”.   It’s a helluva convenient story and on some twisted level she probably believes that once the dust settles, it’s how it happened.

But i know that their emotional connection is leading (if not already led to) her detaching completely from the marriage.  It’s funny how they both seem to insist that they are just “friends” and this special friendship during her rough times (fueled by her affair during a rough patch) is helping her.  Maybe it’s helping her, but definately not the marriage.

I don’t know if he really buys the bullshit he’s selling me and her or if he’s just a manipulative douche.  I think it’s both, he’s just trying to protect his self image.  But i guarantee that they will hook up again (another story) before too long.  The level of self delusion between them is epic and amazing.  The things we do to protect our self images is amazing and I wonder if I could ever be so obtuse?  But i digress.

It just seems so selfish and wicked for a cheating spouse to blow up their home and expect the victims (betrayed and kids) to accept the person who  willfully assisted in the demise of  their family.   It would be one thing if they met the person after the dust had settled.

But To have to deal with a person who disrespected the marriage,  who got the ego boost at the cost of your loss of esteem, and to still take the high road of not acting out is a tough thing indeed.  I so badly want to call them out on the bull…right now in front of our 8 year old son, but on a certain level, that feels wrong too.

Is he old enough to know?  Is this teaching him to tolerate disrespect? Should I wait until he’s older to say anything?  Should I say anything at all? Is hiding the truth teaching him that it’s ok to lie if the truth is hard?  Am I just bitter and butt hurt because of the way she treated me?  Is revealing the truth stooping down to her level?  Am i just  being too self righteous and using it as an excuse for some sort of revenge?

Man, this is complicated.






Fear of falling

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I’ve heard it repeated over and over that you eventually get over and heal after heartbreak.  I’m looking forward to it.  It keeps me going.  I feel myself getting stronger, but damned if it isn’t hard.

I also hear that I’m bitter right now, but sooner or later, I’m going to want to fall in love again.

That’s scary.

My fear is that once the dust has finally settled, they might be right.  I fear that I’ll forget about how painful this really is.  I’d forget that the high’s aren’t worth it.    I can’t take another heartbreak.  I don’t want to trust anyone with my heart again.  I don’t want to want to trust anyone like that.

I mean sure, intimacy and companionship are cool.  I’m married, but still lonely as hell.  It would be awesome to have someone to really like and admire me.  On the other hand, I don’t want to come to be addicted to it.  I don’t want to miss it.  I don’t want to be some sappy romantic cornball, unless it’s for the sole purpose of getting laid.

But I don’t want to be hurt if they ever change their minds.  Once the honeymoon phase is over and real life begins, why get attached to someone who is likely to abandon you because you don’t give the same high anymore.   Doesn’t all heartbreak begin with the exhilarating feeling of being in love?

I’ve never been on the other side of the coin where I fell out of love and no longer wanted to be with someone I once loved.  But I’m pretty sure that it feels 100x better than being the one who got betrayed and left behind.

To me,  a good time, good sex, and temporary shallow relationships offer the best solution.  It’s kind of like going on a vacation where you know that eventually, you’re going home.  I want to get to the point where I love myself enough that when it’s time to go home, I haven’t forgotten where I once lived.

But if I have to experience that horrible “L” thing again.    I think I’d much rather be the heart breaker than the heart broken.  It’s easier to forgive yourself than to forgive others.  The guilt you feel from breaking hearts probably comes with a side of ego gratification that surely of takes the edge off.

Yeah , falling in love is just that.  Falling.  But with no control, blindfolded, and with no parachute.  Imminent death or at least soul crushing pain is guaranteed at the end.  Saying that “love” is good is like comparing flying to falling.  Sure they both probably feel similar in certain respects, but one is safer and controlled where the other is….you get it.

I’m all for extreme sports and all, just not the ones where death is pretty much guaranteed.

Losing love is a helluva lot worse that not having it.  I don’t have it now, and I’m sick because I lost it.  If I never had it so bad, I wouldn’t be so sick.  It’s like it would suck worse to have a million dollars and lose it all than to never have had it in the first place.  Especially if money means a lot to you.

Man, I hope I truly learn this lesson.



Forget Cocaine: Love is a helluva Drug

As children, we’ve all had people warning us about the dangers of using drugs.  Of course, for many of us, most of that goes out of the window in our rebellious teenage years, but for the most part, as adults, we all agree.   Drugs are bad.

The problem isn’t necessarily the drugs or the use in of itself.  In moderation, certain drugs might be ok.   The problem is usually the addictive quality and the resulting havoc that the addiction can wreak on the lives of the user and society as a whole.

For the sake of full disclosure, I’ve done a few drugs in my life.  I developed a marijuana habit at one time and it did have a negative impact on my life as it’s illegal.  But I’ve gotta say that of all the drugs I’ve done, the love drug has by far hurt me the worst.  It was also the hardest addiction to break.   The psychological affect is damaging as anything and it’s also super expensive.

What other drugs are responsible for breaking up homes, causing wars, changing lives, and ruining friendships?  During my wife’s affair, when the “love” or infatuation with dude was at its highest, she was actually willing to have the “divorce” talk with our young son.

The look on his little face, the hurt in his eyes, and the deep groans from his belly as he bellowed out in pain is something that haunts me to this day.  The fact that she was willing to subject him to that so she could be with her “lover” is something that has turned me off to the idea of love.  She seemed oblivious to it all as if it was something that needed to be done because “she needed happiness”.

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I’ve read countless articles where both  decent husbands and wives, once falling for their affair partner, became monsters.  While knowing what they were doing was causing pain in the people who loved and depended on them the most, their desire to have their drug was so overpowering, that they were willing to destroy their homes,  humiliate their spouses, gaslight and lie to them.

They often engage in subconsciously rewriting history to justify their actions.  They become liars, manipulators, and to the most offensive things to their faithful spouses. In a true sense, they seem to sell their souls doing things that they “know” is wrong and harmful.  It seems that they don’t care who they hurt.  As if that “love” is worth all of the damage they are causing.  In my case, it seemed that all of the love she once had for me became a very deep hatred and contempt for me as a human being.

Despite all of this, my “love” for her allowed me to take this abuse.  To be fair, i didn’t want to hurt our son, but some part of me still wanted her.  How often to people stay in abusive or bad relationships because they “love” their partners?

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      It seems as if the love has to turn into hurt or hatred before it can get to a neutral position of apathy.  It vexes me to no end to know that some day, that the same woman that i’m writing love letters to, talking and texting all day and all night on phone….  the one who looks at me with love and adoration, the one who’s body is so in sync that love making becomes like a soul connection… will likely someday become the bane of my existence.

It seems to happen way more often than not. The passionate fire of love transforms into a passionate fire of hate and hurt in the end.  It’s like getting super drunk at a party and then waking the the next day with the worst hangover in your life.  Only this hangover lasts for months.

People have blown their heads off or slit their wrists from this pain.  I honestly considered offing myself.  Not out of losing her, per se, but because the pain was so intense and wouldn’t leave.

Assuming that it’s all to easy to fall for this type of “love” and that true lasting love is a statistical anomaly.   I wonder why people long for it so badly.   Why does the pleasure of loving someone come with the risk of giving that person the power to totally crush you in a bad way?  Personally, i can say without a doubt that the lows are way lower than the highs.

Why put yourself in a position where someone could hurt you so badly? On the contrary,  I imagine it would suck to fall out of love with someone who still loves you? But should you still stay if you no longer feel it for that person.  I do think that you should be as respectful as possible, but what happens if you find someone else who does it more for you than your S/O while you’re still together?

Reciprocated infatuation rarely happens (for me anyway) so i can see how it can be exhilirating when it does.  Especially if the hot passionate fiery love has cooled off with your SO.   I suppose it’s ok (still sucks) in the context of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, but this type of thing causes divorce and breaks up homes.

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For me, I now realize that no matter how passionate and genuine it seems in the moment.  No matter how me she seems to “get” me.  Someday, that’s all subject to change over time and the intensity that we love each other will likely turn into an equal passion of hate and disdain.

I rarely hate anyone and I’m a pretty cool guy.  I don’t have many enemies because I simply don’t deal with people I don’t like.   They don’t get a chance to screw me over, but if they do, it’s hard to take it personally for too long because they were probably never really close to me anyway.   Your enemies can’t betray you and I tend to keep a very small circle of friends.

But that cunt or douchbag that has your heart is a different story.  They get closer to you than anyone and just out sheer fuckery, could wake up one decide to stab you in the back.   That’s too much power.   Even losing friends probably wouldn’t hurt that bad.

In the end, love don’t love anyone.  I’ve learned that, at least for me, I can show love, but never give my heart away.  The days of commitment, loyalty, and trust are long gone.  In today’s society, true love (boring, sweet, stable, and predicatable) is no longer wanted or appreciated.   Today love is about sex, drugs, game, and hip hop.  Some may say that I’m bitter, but the way I see it, it’s just waking up from the matrix and bullshit that hollywood and romcom movies taught us.   Love don’t live here anymore.

Say no to the drugs man.