What’s missing

There is something quite special about holding a woman in your arms and feeling…. At least for that moment….That you mean something to her…. The ability to lose yourself while making love and the feeling of satisfaction when giving her pleasure is amazing.   It’s a mix of ego based pleasure mixed with a bit of vulnerability that feels good to the spirit.

I can see why young people fall so hard.   It’s a high like no other.   Yet, the mind sobering reality is that, no matter how good you think you are, there was and probably always will be someone better.   No matter how good or pleasurable it was, it was…

Just a fleeting moment.   A vacation of sorts.

Honeymoon phased love near the top of anything you can experience in life.  It’s a powerful drug.  It inspires creativity, it gives you hope, it makes life feel….worth it.   But the sobering truth is that it doesn’t last forever.   We often hold on to bad or even toxic relationships just to feel that spark of energy.

Should we indulge and cheat on an S/O with someone and catch that “in love” bug, it brings out the worst in us.  We’ll lie, abuse, and go back on our promises just for another taste.  We unrightfully judge our s/o.   We do things we absolutely abhor in others.

It’s really hard to know this and stay angry at my wife.   She probably thought the honeymoon phase was going to last forever between us.   I didn’t anticipate it falling off the way that it did if I’m honest.    Looking back, we should have both relied on better communication instead of thinking that “love” was enough.  So instead of looking upon her with contempt.  If the love I  had for her was ever true, I have to forgive her.   (Staying with her/trusting her again is an entirely different thing.)  There is a level of self reflection necessary that she doesn’t seem to possess to make that a tenable bet.  So while I can love a typical unreflective woman, I have to learn to love at a distance.  Not ideal in the context of a marriage….for me at least.

In the case of being single, we’ll stick with someone we know isn’t good for us.  We’ll overlook red flags.   And if we fully undulge, we’ll give our hearts and souls to a person who we barely even know.   The ‘love’ we feel in that moment sometimes makes us indulge in thoughts of (and ocassionally act) upon making a love child.   We make stupid promises….And we justify it by saying that it’s for love…at least in the moment.

How many out of wedlock kids or even marriages were made during this phase of relationships.   It has often bothered me how two people could love each other so much in the beginning and end up hating/hurting each other a few years later.

Though I am fully aware of the powerful effects of this drug, I can somewhat be affected by it.    I knew that ultimately, I’d have to stop dealing with my lover some day. I’m not into long term relationship promises.   Been there, done that.   I know that initial attraction and chemistry severely clouds our judgement.  We all think that what we have is ‘special’ enough to overcome life.

But in real life, that ‘high’ in the beginning bites you like a wicked hangover in the morning.    I’m somewhat hungover.  It sucks, but oddly enough, it’s also helpful in helping me get through the difficulty in my current situation.   I don’t focus on it nearly as much.  The bullshit doesn’t really hit as acutely as before.    Everything for a reason I suppose.

But i still have to wonder….why I still crave “love”?   Why do I feel the need or desire to replace what I missed with my lover?   Sex is great and all, but TBH, I could handle it myself….if you know what i mean.   What is with the need for validation from the opposite sex?

If relationships aren’t worth the effort.  They bring too many complications and the “love” most likely isn’t real or won’t last.  I could do without them.  There’s always the likliehood of things going sideways.    Then why do I still hope to find that ‘right’ woman for me?   When I know that there is no “right” one anyway.

Why is the urge to have sex so damned important?   I’m by nature a loner.  I barely communicate with people outside of my circle.   And those who are in it, might get a call once or twice a week.  Yet and still, I’m missing her.  Not acutely.  This isn’t a wicked hangover.  But is enough that I wish I hadn’t had that last drink.  Actually naah, it was totally worth it.

Even as I go out today, there is still a part of me searching/scanning for a woman.  Almost each decent one has the potential to be “the one.”   But in reality, I know it doesn’t exist.  The idea of going MGTOW monk is appealing in so many ways, but for some reason, I can’t see myself choosing not to deal with a woman I’m interested in if I’m attracted to her.

Maybe I don’t love myself enough.   Maybe their validation somehow makes me feel better as a person.   The reality is that I don’t need this shit.  I think I’ll just focus on me for now.  At least until I can figure this out….

Or maybe, with time, and experiencing honeymoon love enough, I can get over it hangover free like how I’m pretty much consumed enough alcohol to no longer feel the effects the next day.







No harm no foul

Redpill awareness saved me.   This weekend, me and my ‘friend’ went out and she suddenly started acting….differently.   The night started as usual, but halfway through, she started acting irrationally, started an argument over something trivial and was distant for the rest of the evening.

I knew that the argument wasn’t about the specific thing (it wasn’t that serious), but something deeper was at hand.   We haven’t spoken in the past few days and I realize that she needs space to sort out whatever the hell she’s going through.

In the past, I would have chased, pressed her to find the real reason, and tried to make a case.   Wisdom has taught me that chasing would be the worst thing to do.  Trying to fix things isn’t always the best course of action.   Either she wants to deal with me or not.   Maybe she is fed up.  Maybe she wants to explore other options which is fair.   Maybe she’s stressed about something else.  Or maybe she needs space.   Maybe God intervened and was like “damn dude enough is enough.”  I’m still technically married after all.

TBH, I hope the best for her.   I miss her like crazy and it’s taking a lot to not text her to check on her.   But for me, I’m done with pursuing or trying to fix those type of relationships. She can deal with me if she wants on her own time.

I’m not really as hurt as much as I thought I would be.   I’m happy for that.  My ego isn’t hurt.  I’m not mad at the fact that she started a fake argument to dismiss me.   I am aware of women’s nature and it’s just what they do.   Foul, yes, (huge red flag), but i wasn’t harmed as I’m not ignorant to how this works now.

Maybe I’m growing.   While she is amazing in many ways, I knew that it couldn’t last forever.   Perhaps understanding this ‘relationship’ was like a vacation, I realized that sooner or later, the trip would be over.  While I don’t think that we’ll never speak again.  It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we didn’t.   No hard feelings.    I’m thinking that this is how future relationships should be.   It’s better to be friends, even if the ‘benefits’ fall away.


How Hypergamy is hurting Society

Hypergamy is the idea that women are naturally attracted to “higher value” males.   It is the belief that women should marry men who are of the highest quality.   Or at the very least, on their financial level.

While low level, this is reasonable in the sense that a man should bring something to the table.  It is also a cause of much of the frustration on the dating market.   In Atlanta GA, especially in the black community, women seem to make more money than men as a whole.   I’m not sure who they’re polling when they say that women make $.75 to every dollar that men make.   But it certainly can’t apply here.

Perhaps the context would be that we make more money for doing the same job.   But this subtext is very important.   Most of the women that I know make more money than the men do.   In many cases, it’s not even close.   They also tend to be more educated.    We’re comparing white collar to blue collar here.

For some reason, women tend to excel in academia and men tend to fall by the wayside.    These women are are getting post graduate degrees by the droves and generally, their paychecks reflect it.    They seem to thrive better in corporate environments.   I’ve also heard that this phenomena seems to be becoming the standard in other urban western areas in the world.

For this reason, men on the same financial level tend to get fewer and fewer as they climb the socioeconomic ladder.    This causes a lot of dissastisfaction as it gets harder to find potential mates on their level.

Many women have no choice but to date down so to speak.   Unfortunately, many feel dissatisfied as they go to the office and see the men that are there (often married or play boys or both) making the same or more money than them.

Add this to the fact women tend to make bad choices in men already, you have recipe for disaster.  Let me briefly digress for a moment to explain. They generally fall head over heels for men who carry narcisstic characteristics.   In short, men who are all about themselves.   Perhaps it’s their confidence and sense of entitlement.  As with most narc’s they can be pretty charming.  I get it.   But after getting predictably (by me anyway) burned by these men over and over again, they come to the conclusion that all men ain’t ish.

This causes women to misunderstand what it means to “know their worth”. Along with PUA’s and many red pillers saying that women should practice hypergamy as it is their nature, many men no longer want to engage seriously with these women outside of recreation.

Hypergamy is a problem for two reasons.   Given the gains of women in today’s workforce, it’s going to be increasingly more difficult to find an equally financially ‘yoked’ man.

Secondly, if women are encouraged to act upon this ‘natural’ instinct to mate with the ‘best’ male they can, should they be mad if men act upon our ‘natural’ instinct to mate with as many women as possible?   Sure, many men, especially Narcs do this, but it’s still not a good thing.

One thing we must do, as both sexes, understand that the complexity of society requires us to somehow curb our natural instincts in order to maintain some level of order.   It appears that society has evolved more quickly than our natural instincts and we must figure out how to evolve with it.

I’m all for women’s rights in theory.   But the landscape is making it harder and harder to find happiness when it comes to relationships.  Perhaps this is one reason there is so much frustration in the dating market today.




Breaking the Curse

I promise you that falling in love feels like a curse.   An evil, wicked, sinister curse.   It sort of reminds me of those heroin or alcohol addict stories where quitting cold turkey is a soul shaking, life threatening,  horrible experience.

People who do drugs often know they are doing bad, but either justify, ignore, or just give up on themselves.   People in toxic relationships often do the same things and it’s only until the person who abuses them leaves that they can finally begin to recover.   Depending on the situation, they can often come back and cause a relapse.

Heartbreak can last a long time….years I’ve heard.   It changes you as a person.  I don’t think you can ever love like that again.   That’s possibly a good thing.   Nothing that’s that good for you should feel so bad when you have to go without it.

Withdrawals feel like shit.   Even though you know that person is no (longer) good for you, you may not even like them that much anymore, yet it’s like a part of you is missing.  Something wants you to inject that needle in your arm again even though you know that it almost destroyed your life.   At least in the beginning.  You hope and wish for that person back on a weird level even though you know deep down that things can never be the same.

It’s a journey man.  I tell you.  Having to deal with that person through co-parenting somewhat causes the wound to take longer to heal.   It’s harder knowing that they have no clue how much it hurt you….they don’t care.   They’re over it.   Checked out.  Yet knowing that, there is still a part of you, deep down that still hurts.  Late life abandonment issues?

I’m at a point with my wife that I don’t care if she ever has to feel this pain.  I just don’t want to feel it anymore.   I’m moving on for sure, but at the same time, I still feel insignificant, maybe a bit hurt that she doesn’t give a fuck.   I know she isn’t good for me.  Not just for what she did or how she did it.   But we’re fundamentally different.   Our outlooks on life, the way we interpret the world, and the things we like and dislike are so different now.   We barely have anything in common.  The chemistry is so off that I don’t know how we ever got together in the first place.

Yet, I find myself getting angry at her.  For putting me through this, us through this, and being so indifferent about it.   I know that I can’t expect much, she checked out, and while I know it, I still get anxiety over it.  Maybe it wasn’t her intention when we started, but it’s where we are now.

Perhaps it’s like a recovering addict realizing how much he fucked up due to his addiction to the drug.   I’d imagine they’d have a healthy fear and possibly some hatred for it once he’s recovered.    I can’t just walk around hating people though.   She’s my son’s mother and i won’t allow it to get to that point.   I have to love her (even if i don’t really like her), just at a distance.  Finding that distance is the tricky part.

I can’t be mad at her because of how it affected me.   It’s like a crack addict being mad at crack.    I can’t be mad at myself because I truly didn’t know that you can’t give a woman your all.  I learned this lesson the hard way.     I just have to find the space to heal and not let my ego get the best of me now.

Who knows, maybe in another instance, I could have been her.  But, It’s hard not to judge when you feel like the one who was wronged.

Sure, we’re still married, but if she cheats, so be it.   Until I figure out how to get out of this situation that I put myself back into, it’s all on me.    Noone is going to rescue me.  I have to save myself.

I tell myself that she’s disrespecting me if she goes out and cheat.   I have to stop doing that.   It isn’t like I dont’ know who I’m dealing with now.    Besides, at this point, I’ve taken the low road myself.    It takes two to make a marriage work,  one (with the help of God himself) may be able to recover it.   But if neither is working, then it is impossible.

We’re wasting each other’s time.   Going with the motions.   I don’t love her enough to want to save it.    My pride and ego just won’t let me overlook the bad.   The pain and fear that comes along with hope is too much for me right now.   She’s not happy here, but like me, neither will get the ball rolling on this.   There is too much emotion involved when it comes to kiddo.   So much work to have to get lawyers and courts involved.

I know her, she likes to procrastinate until the last minute.  I do too.   But i don’t have the luxury of just waiting this out.   My emotional well being is at stake.  I’m already so jaded on love and relationships in general.   I don’t know if this is normal.

Melodramatic, for sure.   But it shows how falling in love that deep can’t be a good thing.   Her betrayal wouldn’t have affected me so deeply if I didn’t love her so much.   Perhaps I could have more easily forgiven if she hadn’t been so close to my heart.

This thing I had….being in love.   Wasn’t love at all.  Couldn’t have been.   If so count me out.    I was enchanted.   I was in a spell.  Possessed.   That’s too much pressure to put on anyone.      I’ve awakened.    Now to get this ego thing aside, figure out how to get out, and move on with my life.