The Magic of Conscious Manifestation

Conscious Manifestation is a practice. It is the ability to purposefully create a desired outcome.

Normally, the external world is objectively happening while your mind is steadily interpreting it in real time. This interpretation is subjective and is based on your subconscious expectations and assumptions. These subconscious expectations and assumptions take the shape how you feel in your body along with mental snapshots about the future.

Manifestation is about getting our desired wish fulfilled. Our desired wish fulfilled comes along with a feeling(peace, gratitude, happiness, lightness of heart). Conversely, our fears also come with a feeling (anxiety, doubt, wanting, lacking, heavy hearted).

Therefore our feelings on a particular happening is going to be based on our subjective interpretation which is based on our expectations and assumptions. Our expectations and assumptions are basically prayer requests to the universe. The feeling that we get are these prayer requests being answered. The answered prayer is our interpretation of the events that the universe shows us.

We normally do this on autopilot subconsciously. Negative assumptions and expectations give negative results. Positive Positive. We often hold conflicting beliefs in our subconscious so we’ll experience a sort of mix between the two.


are usually a combination of visual flashes and feelings in the present moment about a future event. They happen in our conscious mind, but usually mostly outside of our awareness. Our minds create these “flashes” about the future automatically. It’s almost like an expected frame of reality or slice of an anticipated stream of consciousness in the future. These flashes though in the conscious mind, are created automatically, subconsciously based on our hopes, fears, desires, and interpretations of our past events. They happen at any given time, in real time, in the present.

It can be compared to breathing. We’re always breathing, whether we are aware of it or not. No matter what we are doing at the time (in general) or focused on, we are also breathing.

And just like you can control your breathing or even become aware of it. You can also control your future projections.

Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. If you’re prone to anxiety, Anticipate a future where you’re feeling light hearted instead of heavy hearted. Assume it, expect it. The universe will then give you that. You may not know HOW it will happen, but it will end up happening where you feel light hearted. This is basic manifesting. Keep in mind that how well you feel is going to be in direct correlation to the degree you believe it will happen. You don’t have to maintain the feeling, it’s a set it and forget it type of deal. But it if it does come to mind, remember to anticipate positive feelings every time. Feeling is the secret.


Faith isn’t necessarily a 1 sum kind of thing. It isn’t like you either have it or don’t. You have a combination of confidence and doubt for any given situation. If your anxiety overwhelms your confidence, say 70% anxiety vs 30% confidence. You’re going to experience something where you walk away feeling pretty anxious. It gets dicier the closer your anticipated confidence vs anxiety level is. In general though, we keep about a 50/50 or 45/55 55/45 type of situation going. Unless of course we anticipate something good or bad based on past experiences, fears, feelings of worthlessness, peformance expectations and so forth. Again, most of this is subconscious. But we can get flashes or glimpses consciously if we place our awareness on how we feel about the”likely” outcome of a future event.


Visualization and Presence are both tools that we can use to reprogram/pre-program our subconscious minds to purposefully create reality. Think of visualization as a flash of forethought. This fore-thought coupled with the desired feeling is key to getting what we want. The visualization doesn’t have to be clear, but I believe that the clearer it is, the more likely the feeling AND circumstances will play out. Many times, we don’t care how the circumstances play out, we just want the positive feeling.

For example, people want money, not for the paper currency specifically, but for the feeling that the money gives them. The money is just a tool for them to have the feeling. (security, importance, validation, etc).

It may happen that circumstances will still play out in a way that your prayer request (anticipated feeling) is answered. In the way that you expected it. But it may not. You’ll get the feeling for sure, but maybe not in the way you might have expected it to happen. But the more specific you are in these vision flashes of projected future outcomes, the more likely it is to play out the way you expected it to.


A tool in order to grounded is the power of speech. Words act as sort of a guide to our feelings. Though not necessary.

Future thought projections often come in like pictures or quick snapshots. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Words can also house a ton of feelings and defnitions too. But positive affirmations along with the associated desired feelings can be used in leiu of actually sitting there and hashing out the details of the visualization. Think about it, most future snapshot projections usually aren’t THAT detailed anyway. Yet they are powerful. The more you practice consciously using this, you’ll see what I mean.

Words though, sort of give you a compass to direct your desired feelings. They can help focus your efforts. For example think about the question: “what are you going to do tonight.” vs “what are you going to do tonight when you get in bed”. The extra words or details act as a guide which break down specific snapshots of the anticipated future. Use them to sort of direct or lead to the snapshots.

Add feelings to these snapshots. You may not have to completely visualize your room with the bed, and how the soft the mattress is and what the sheets smell like.

But the more specific you are, the more things you directly affect. This is what I mean by direct manifestation. You’re creating more than just the ‘feeling.’ You can sort of create the reality. It’s what is meant by “living in the end.” Imagine already being in the desired state. Visualizing it can help the universe manifest the specific conditions by which you experience that desired state.

It resonates with me to say that though you can manifest the details, the more you attempt to do this, the longer it may take or your efforts may not be as powerful as you’d like since there may be other subconscious beliefs that block or conflict with some of the things happening.

For example, if you want to be wealthy and have a lot of money. You may want to manifest the feeling of ‘security’ that money can give you. And you think that being wealthy is the means to get it. However, you may also hold the belief that you have to work hard or have business to get it. When you look at your life, you see that you either aren’t working that hard or don’t have a business. This will conflict with you manifesting a lot of money because you hold the subconscious belief that you must work hard or be a successful entrepreneur or else you can’t/won’t get it.

The more specific you are about how you must achieve the feeling, the more likely you are to run into some block. It can either cancel or weaken what you’re trying to manifest. It may not though, but if reality isn’t giving you what you desire…..look within as opposed to looking to the outside world to try and figure out what’s going on. You may subconsciously have or possess some limiting/contradictory beliefs. But this can be debatable in my opinion.

I say weed out your garden.

Outside reality is a reflection of your internal beliefs (assumptions and expectations).

Consciously be your own self fulfilling prophecy.

See what works best for you.

A few resources you can look up on YouTube are Rev. Ike, Neville Goddard, Claude Bristol, Joseph Rodriguez, Napoleon Hill, Dr. Joe Dispenza.

Falling in Love… Don’t Do it

Man I swear that falling in love with a chick is the worst thing that a man can do. Liking her is ok. I’m not saying that you can’t even love her from a place of friendship. But longing, missing, and desiring to be with her has got to be the worst thing that you can do.

Fuckboys got it right. They’re wrong for lying and treating her heart like shit. But they are right in that they don’t develop strong feelings like that. You just never know how this woman is going to turn out. If you fall, and she either changes or hits you with the bait and switch…’s going to be a bad time. She isn’t worth it. And trust me, she won’t care if you no longer think that she is.

You have to dig yourself out of that depression or hole. I love women. My sisters, my mother, cousins, my lover. But it gets into dangerous territory with my lover at times. I have to actively remind myself to look at redpill content to keep myself from falling. I beleive that if I end up “head over heels” for her, she’ll lose attraction. Her expectations of me will rise to an astronomical degree. Even if I were super successful financially, she’d still partly lose that desire.

It seems that women want what they can’t have. They’ll take for granted that they already have. They’ll want more. Keeping a distance seems to be the only way to keep her somewhat interested. Of course, that’s dangerous too as someone out there may eventually give her what she wants. But if he does, then he shoots himself in the foot too. Why do I want to love anyone anyway. I just want “my person” and we’ll conquer the world together somehow. But that’s probably just a myth.

I say all of that because despite the shitty way my wife treats/treated me. And all of the complaints I have agianst her. Sometimes, I have to check myself. I don’t hate her. I just hate the way she makes me feel about myself. I hate the way that I am still somewhat hung up on her. When I say that there really is no attraction there, I really want to believe that. But There has to be something going on as to why when she pulls away, I feel a certain way about it. I don’t know why though. I fell really hard for her back when we first met. My guard was completely down. Here it is going on 5 years later and I’m still somewhat vexed by that fact. I HATE IT.

I don’t even really want her back. Truth be told, I don’t even really like her. We haven’t made love in years. The pity sex is terrible. Communication sucks. We don’t really have fun. Then there is the cheating. We don’t have much of anything in common. I constantly catch myself sighing when she’s around. My dick actually burns when I had sex with her. Like i fucked a grapefruit or something. It never did with anyone else before or after. My STI tests come back clean. If that ain’t a sign, I don’t know what is. I have so many other complaints. Hell, she’s average looking at best objectively. Though at one time, she was my 10. I feel cursed for having loved her so damned hard.

Why am I so insecure around her. It’s like we can’t just talk. Everything is just so forced. I just need to be away from her I think. She doesn’t understand how this is taking a toll on my emotional and mental health. I tried explaining it, but she just sits there. Silently. Not saying anything about that. Changing the subject to some bullshit. “ma’am I don’t give a fuck about basketball wives or growing up hip hop right now (or ever for the record).

How did something start off so beautiful end up so toxic.

I found out that the mysterious 3am call was her ex affair partner. She claims that it was a random call. But once again, I can tell the difference in her. It’s like she doesn’t even notice that she acts differently…..even worse when someone else is in the picture. Why is she so fucking stupid? A 40 year old woman acting like a 17 year old teen. Falling for weak ass game. I read their texts and it’s just terrible. I mean, I don’t see how it works. I’ve read other guys texts to her her and they were considerably better. Dude has 0 game (text game anyways), but she sees/saw something in him. I guess it works for a certain type, but just saying, I couldn’t see myself in a mental space to be saying/tying some of that shit. I didn’t see anyting I’d steal…..Just saying. But it goes to show how incompatible we are. She’s just not MY type I guess. He must like slow immoral women with terrible values. Like attracts like they say.

This is so toxic. Perhaps I’ll call a lawyer today and see what my options are. I can’t afford a divorce attorney. But something has to give.

In reality, he can have her. I don’t care. I just don’t want her living with me while sneaking around with that narcissitic bastard. Dude got all these other kids and all these baby mama’s that he keeps cheating on. He’s a notorious cheater and even IF he changes for her, that’s their business and I don’t want any parts of it. If he makes her happy despite all of that….so be it. I really could give 2 fucks. I just don’t need that energy around me. He literally gets off on the idea of her cucking me for some reason. Confirmed by a few texts that I saw exchanged between them. I don’t deserve that shit. I don’t even know the dude personally, but I’m not trying to be a part of his sick ass fetish. Perhaps both of those sickos/psychos are really better for each other. Either way, I don’t want anything to do with either of them. I don’t need that type of energy in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if she is a bot. I mean seriously. How can anyone lack self reflection that degree. Something has to be seriously wrong with her mentally. She’s off. Has to be. I can’t explain how someone could just be THAT way. I’m not perfect, but got damned. This chick is just off and really doesn’t get it. I can’t make her get it. I fucked up when I decided to make a family with her. She’s the worst thing that ever happened to me. Ironically, she gave me the best thing that ever happened to me though. Kiddo.

Level Up

The biggest complaint that my stbxw had about me was the fact that she felt that I wasn’t “ambitious” enough. Sure, I have a decent middle class job. I am pretty comfortable financially even though I do acknowledge that I could probably get more certs or go back to school in order to get more pay.

From what I hear from women online, it is a deal breaker if a man isn’t constantly trying to make it to the “next level”. So maybe she has some legitimate complaints. While i don’t think it was worth breaking our family up over, I would have at least liked to have had the opportunity to “level up” if that would have kept her from cheating to save the marraige. I wish she would have communicated that with me.

Even though I now see that it is important for some women and it’s sort of like maintaining physical attraction. I’m not motivated to do it for her now. It would be stupid to change that about myself simply for her. I suppose I could do it for myself though.

I’m really just not materialistic like that. I’m a simple man as far as finances goes. I mean, as long as I can support myself, not bum off of others, and maintain a decent life, I’m pretty good. I don’t have a need to “build an empire” just for the sake of building a damned empire. If I found something that I enjoyed doing and could make a ton of money doing it, I would. But working my ass off to buy things that I don’t want just for people who I don’t like to like me isn’t high on my priority list.

Would I take a luxury car or mansion? Sure. Who wouldn’t? But I feel that having a damned purpose (other than making more money) would be much more fulfilling than just working to keep up with the Jones’s.

So as it is, I either need to find a woman who isn’t all that materialistic. As long as she can take care of herself, I’m good with that. We don’t have to necessarily stay where we are currently, but if we were to maintain and have savings for retirement and a rainy day, I’d be ok with that too. Or I have to change and figure out some way to level up in order to attract and keep more women. Either way, as of now, I’m cool.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos about men “finding their purpose” and making money in order to become a “high value” male. That’s cool and all, but I gotta stop watching these videos because often times, it’s content creators telling men this. In other words, these guys get a smug sense of superiority because they “leveled up” by telling other men to “level up.” If it wasn’t for youtube, they’d probably be just like me financially.

It would be like a person who made their fortune by writing books on how to get rich even though they were broke when they wrote it. It’ s not even hate. I don’t want what they have neither do I think that they don’t deserve what they have. God placed us is different positions, but I am pointing out the irony of how theyx got it. And not even that, it’s really about the newfound “superiority” complex they have now. Sir AlphaGuy88 <insert youtube handle>, I’ll still beat yo ass.

Not saying what they say doesn’t make sense to a certain degree. I just can’t with the superficiality and newfound sense of self righteousness. But who knows. If I come into sudden financial success through my hobbies, maybe I’d become a smug, superficial, self righteous asshole as well.

Letting Go

Spent an amazing day with my lover and I’m afraid that I may have to let her go. She loves me and wants to be with me on a relationship/marriage tip. I really love her too, but I’m just not sure if I can measure up to the expectations she has for a husband.

Even though she says all of the right things, I’m not sure if I truly believe it. I just feel that she deserves better if I’m honest. She has her shit together… wise way more than I do. I see myself as more or less a free spirit. Good intentions, but not prepared to take her on. If I were wealthy, then I could see myself giving it a go.

She might be blowing it with the guy she went on the date with. Maybe she isn’t really giving him a fair shake because of her lust for me. Our sex is amazing. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts. We do have a real friendship and I really do care for her well being.

It’s addictive. I hate that I seem to be so good, yet so bad for her at the same time. The best thing to do is to leave her alone. I mean, I don’t know dude, but it would appear that he might be willing to give her the ring and big wedding she wants.

Dunno. Maybe I’m expressing insecurity, but I just would like to be what I think she deserves. Though not perfect (who is?) I just want her to be happy. I don’t know that we could be that while doing real life together. I know that money and finances aren’t everything…..but as of now she makes really good money and it does matter to women….no matter what she says. What would her family and friends think. I mean, how could I love her without losing respect from her in the context of marriage right now?

Financially, I do ok. I am independent. I’m comfortable. I’m not poor, but comfortably middle class. But I also have a kid and I haven’t made the steps to get divorced from my failed marriage. It makes me believe that she deserves better. But if I do come up, my financial luck changes, I’d scoop her up bcuz id know that she didn’t love me just for my money. Ironically making me feel like she is a jewel who does deserve better even more.

Dunno. It’s just on my mind. Love is a drug man.

I have to concede that I’m making changes. I never thought I could consider dealing with a woman knowing that she had relations with another man so recently. Yet I did and didn’t even feel terrible about it. Just knowing that she wants me so bad is a turn on.

On the flip side. My wife’s phone received a text notification at 3am this morning. Dunno why I got so mad about it. I really shouldn’t care. But it really set me off. She wouldn’t tell me who it was so I’m assuming that it was some guy. When pressed, she said, “I don’t want to tell you.” when asked why, she goes: “I can’t control who or when someone texts me.”

Like bruh. Noone is going to just randomly text you at 3am on a Monday morning. You had to be have been in communication with him. Whomever he is. Of course, more lies. She could have at least let me see who it was, what they said, and then let me see her reply back something to the effect of never texting her again. But either she’s lying or even IF she’s telling the truth, it shows that she still chooses to maintain deception. If I hadn’t heard it, I wouldn’t have even known about it.

I know this is hypocrisy at it’s finest. However, she doesn’t seem to care and I never have to lie about my situation. She literally never asks. If she knows, then why wouldn’t she bring it up when I”m talking my shit. Man, I know that I really need to leave her be. I just don’t know why I get so mad.

I’m thinking that this must be a respect thing. I don’t want to be with her at all. We’re at a point where I see NO redeeming qualities about her. If it is true that my thoughts and feelings about her are going to keep manifesting bullshit which confirms the negative view I have of her, I can only expect things to get worse. I really dislike her though. I blame her for being so gotdamn evil, cruel and wicked. I can’t help it it seems. It’s so fucking dysfunctional.

She literally won’t or either can’t communicate. She’s deceitful. Lazy. Has terrible sex. Shallow. Ignorant. Selfish. Immature (more than me even). Nasty (always farting, leaving unclean underwear around). Her laugh is extra loud and annoying as fuck. Illogical. Says really stupid things and means them. “It’s more respectful to cheat behind your back than in your face.” Makes pop phrases common in her conversation. Crude. Disloyal (to a treacherous degree). Always tired and sleepy. Materialistic. Thinks that vacationing is the same as travelling. Emotionally devoid. I could keep writing, but in a way, I don’t feel so great about feeling these things about her.

I guess I’m just venting as I really can’t talk to anyone about this. Noone wants to hear my complaints or either already expect these things from her. I don’t know man. I never thought that I could end up here. Is it me? I mean gotdamned. I’m not perfect, but still, I don’t think I deserve this hell. Or maybe I do. Is she really that terrible? Am I exaggerating this? Is this mostly in my head? It seems bad though. I promise, I never felt so much disillusionment like this for anyone like this before. I’ve never had as much dislike for anyone my whole life. I have never been this judgemental. Not saying that I liked everyone I met, but I never felt so much anger/hurt/disappointment/confusion/judgment/contempt. I actually feel a bit bad about it. It feels toxic in a way. But I’m not sorry that I feel that way.

And to make matters even worse. She won’t argue back. She won’t defend herself. Or if she attempts to do so, the responses are so terrible that I can’t believe that she went with that as a counter argument. Sometimes it feels like I’m her dad lecturing her and being too hard on her or something. It really feels like we shouldn’t really be talking about these kinds of things at this age. Like, we both know that this behavior isn’t ok….right? I mean I really shouldn’t have to tell an adult that they’re being disrespectful. I sometimes feel confused because I don’t know this is just a manipulative tactic or if she really does not get it. Is she really this ignorant or is she just trying to throw me off? I mean it might explain how she could possibly have never considered that despite the constant complaints about her fucking up, her lack of sex, me not asking for it anymore, and lack of trying….that I wouldn’t find something on the side? I mean does she know, but just not care. But why wouldn’t she say ANYTHING about that and choose bad arguments instead? I’m either grossly overestimating her social intelligence or terribly underestimating her manipulative ability. She’s either really smart or really stupid. I don’t like these games. I wonder if I’m becoming toxic my damned self at this point.

Maybe it’s another reason why I think that I’m still so guarded with my lover. I can’t give anyone the chance to get this close to be able to hurt me so deeply again. Maybe I am damaged. I suppose that I am toxic to her in certain ways. I mean she actually had sex with another guy the same week she had sex with me. She says that she feels bad about doing that. I believe her. I know that she did what she felt like she had to do. But fuck how we “feel” about it, why in the fuck did our circumstances end up where she even felt justified in doing such a thing.

I need to get away from them both and heal myself before I get hurt more and end up hurting her more. It feels like I’m losing myself sometimes.

Flip Side

So over the weekend, my lover had a “date”. After he left, she called and was honest about pretty much everything. Yeah, they had sex. I expected it. It was one of those things where I didn’t know how I’d react once I found out. I wasn’t really all that upset with her. I understood why, hell, I probably would have done the same thing.

She says that he’s so nice. Almost too nice. According to her, he wanted to wait to have sex. But I know she gets lusty when she drinks. She told me they did, but it sucked. She also told me he was boring. But the guy has a nice corporate job and is marriage minded.

I told her that good sex is great and all, but it can’t be a deal breaker. But to her point, I guess that attraction and sex is important in a relationship. I wonder if we didn’t have such an intense connection, if she would have given him a chance.

I encouraged her do what she feels is right for her and that I’d have her back regardless. I love her and I want her to be happy with or without me. I just know don’t think that I’m marriage minded. I couldn’t see myself getting out of my marriage and jumping into a relationship even though the stbxw and I are basically just married on paper and have been that way for a few years now. I don’t know what she’s going to choose moving forward.

It feels weird. On one hand I missed her. But I can’t see myself married to her. Not that she’s a bad person. We’re good for having fun together. Not for doing real life though. Her lifestyle is so different, in ways so much better than mine in a financial sense. Someone would have to be the responsible one and neither of us are really that. We’d drink and get fucked up all the time. I feel that I’d just drag her down and ultimately, she’d end up hating me for it. She claims that the money isn’t an issue. I don’t think it is now, but it might be in the future. I really don’t feel like I’m good enough to marry her. I’d want to do more. Financially, I’m ok, but I wouldn’t be adding anything to her. If she’s still around when I get my millions, then maybe?

Normally, I never thought that I’d want to ahve sex with a woman after she had sex with another guy so recently. It’s weird that I’m not so bothered by it with her. I don’t see her any differently. Not to say that I want it to become a habit with her. But as far as I know, I’m the only guy she had sex with since I met her. And she’s been pretty honest. I love her as friend. A true friend. It goes beyond just sex and relationships. In a way, she’s like a sister or something. I wish me and stbxw could have had a real friendship and good will towards each other. Love taught me that sex is great, but perhaps I was too rigid about the importance of it. Then again, I still wouldn’t want my WIFE to have sex with other men.

As for my stbxw. I don’t know what’s to her. I know that she gets tired of me always bitching at her about everything. It was her birthday weekend, so me and kiddo did get her something and made a special dinner for her. It turned out pretty good.

The problem is that she’s so damned illogical. She won’t communicate. I get tired of kicking her down all the time. Even if I try to say positive things, she just won’t communicate.

While obvious, she isn’t interested in fixing the marriage, I’m just pissed about the lack of honest communication. It’s like we’re stuck in a rut spinning our wheels. We could be doing so much better if she’d just stop being so uncooperative. It was a four day weekend and both of us were off and have money. It also happened to be valentines day and her birthday. Despite covid being out, we could have gone somewhere on vacation like ya know….normal couples.

It’s strange that my lover would be willing to work on a relationship, but my wife isn’t. The stbxw doesn’t seem to care that we have a family on the line. My lover thinks that I want the wife. And she’s not completely wrong. I want my family and I want my son to grow up in a home with both parents. STBXW just so happens to be in that role. But it’s not like i’m exactly happy or desire stbxw….if that makes sense.

I don’t understand how she could…..on one hand say that she believes in the importance of a nuclear home, but at the same time, won’t do anything to try to fix the mess she put us in. My pride is too damaged to attempt to rebuild anything. I don’t trust her. But she’s doing almost nothing to reach out and build the gap.

How could she just check out and give up on us? It’s bigger than her or me. If it was just “us” then I could see it, but how could she be so callous about kiddo? Not to mention that the sex is just terrible……mostly nonexistent…. even worse when compared with my lover. I wonder if she caught an STD or something. I mean seriously, how can a grown ass woman just not have sex…..unless she’s getting it from someone else. I’m a pretty attractive looking guy so even if she didn’t want me as a husband….i’d think that we could have sex sometimes. It would probably bring us closer together… sex does tend to have that effect on people. It didn’t used to be so terrible until she started her affairs.

At times i just wish that she’d just leave. Why does she have to make things so difficult. Why is she just being a bitch about everything? Everything has to be a gotdamned joke to her. We can’t even really have fun anymore. How can she just know that she’s being a bitch and not care? What happened to her? She won’t defend herself nor her actions. She won’t offer any explanations. She won’t debate, argue, minister about anything. Just sit there and take it.

I hate how it makes me feel. I’m not her father so I hate lecturing her about how to properly treat people. Conversation is pointless. She just sits there silently listening. Talk about a mind fuck!!! Why is she so damned stupid? I mean how could I have missed it. Did she change or was she always like that? It’s another reason why I’d fear getting married again. If someone could change so radically and not give a fuck….. I mean just check out when we have a kid and family on the line…..Why would I risk putting them through that. WTF is going on in her head? It’s beyond frustrating. Made more so by the fact that she seems to have some conceptual understanding of right and wrong. She even admitted that she wouldn’t want a woman to put kiddo through this.

This has been going to for too got damned long. I have to get divorce papers drawn. This isn’t good for my mental health. Who knows what damage we’re doing to kiddo.

All women cannot be like this. Many are for sure. But of all the ones I could have chosen…..i pick the pretty girl with serious mental issues. Or maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I should just chill. Maybe I shouldn’t mention how she’s constantly pissing me off. I’m just frustrated and angry at her lack of cooperation. Why does she seem so fucking evil to me? I’m just frustrated right now.

Overcoming Trauma

The outward world is a manifestation of your inward beliefs. At least according to some spiritual gurus.

I’ve noticed a marked difference in my behavior around different people based on our “vibe.” There are some people I can talk to all day about anything and the conversation just flows. With others, I have to struggle a bit, but we can have pretty good interactions. However with others, we can’t get anything going and it feels cringy.

As of late, I’ve been consciously saying to myself right before or during an interaction things like. “I like you, you like me. This is going to turn out well.” or I’ll think “We’re going to have a good conversation.” And it usually does!!! I don’t have to force it. Hell, I’ll often forget that said it during the interaction. But looking back afterwards, we generally have good interactions.

I’m setting something up here so bear with me.

If I imagined beforehand how my ex lover would look satisfied after sex with me….and how I would feel at THAT moment before we met up. She would show me that. I didn’t have to say anything. It was as if the positive expectation and assumptions would create that positive outcome. More specifically, the positive expectation of the feeling fulfilled. It’s not like i had to keep thinking about it during our interaction/sex. It just happened.

Based on the way she speaks of our sexual chemistry, I can’t help but think that she believes it subconsciously as well.

Succintly put, our expectations and assumptions are manifested into reality in the measure by which we believe them.

We need to take a couple of things into consideration here when I speak about “measure”.

1)We may have mix of positive and negative assumptions / expectations

2)Some of these expectations and assumptions (positive or negative) are subconsious.

You’ll generally see outcomes that satisfy (to some degree) the totality of these positive and negative assumptions and expectations. As result, for the most part, things are rarely as good or as bad as you expect them to be. But if you had no previous expectations, then positive outcomes result with positive expectations…..likewise with negative.

We all manifest and create our reality based on our assumptions. We normally do this on autopilot based on our subconscious expectations and assumptions. Our subconscious thoughts are already programmed by our experiences and interpretation of those experiences. That said though. Thinking is a bit like breathing. We normally put it on autopilot. But, at any moment, we can consciously control the process.

The same as with manifestation. Although we can consciously control it <and I’ll get to HOW> later, we normally allow it to run on autopilot.

As simple as it sounds to control what we manifest, it’s not quite that easy. It does take a bit of conscious effort. It also takes a bit of self reflection and self honesty. I’ll give a couple of examples.

I used to be really shy and had difficulty talking to people. I eventually grew out of shyness, but I’m still a bit of an introvert. Not surprisingly, I’ve always had difficulty with “cold approaching” women. It wasn’t necessarily the fear of rejection that prevented me from “shooting my shot.” But the fear that my brain just wouldn’t think of ANYTHING appropriate to say.

In order to overcome this, I’d run scenarios in my head as if what would I say and How would she’d react. It generally always ended up (in my imagiation) that she’d reject me. Not in a cold or bad way, but in an “i’m not interested” or “i have a boyfriend” type of way.

I had already concluded subconsciously that she wouldn’t be interested, but it wouldn’t be too awkward.

Invariably whenever I did work up the balls to talk to one, it generally ended up being exactly like that. There were a few exceptions, but for the most part, it generally ended up….not as bad as I’d expected (as I assumed the fear was just nerves), but not quite as good as I’d liked (getting her number and her interest). My assumptions and expectations were fulfilled. What I said to her specifically didn’t matter. It is more about how I felt and what I expected to happen.

Another example is with boxing. Though I am pretty decent. There are times where I feel that against certain people, I can’t quite get their number and figure them out. However, if before class, I imagine a scenario where I hear someone say “Wow you’ve gotten better.” I usually either figure out some technique during the time or recall something in the middle of a sparring session that ends up with them dapping me up and saying “good job.” or I just wouldn’t have the opportunity to spar that person that night. It’s actually not about me hearing them say “Wow, you’ve gotten better.” that i’m desiring. But it is the feeling of how I’d feel when I hear them say it that manifests itself.

I realize that all of this could be coincidental. Or maybe I’m counting all of the hits while ignoring the misses. But it seems to be working for me for now and I’m going to run with it.

Another example is the amazing sex sessions I previously spoke about with my lover. I never knew about this, positive expectation/assumption thing before I met her….. so results in the past with previous lovers have been varied. I’d imagine it was based on how I felt overall at the time.

All of that said. I’m starting to conclude that most of the issue with my stbxw has a lot to do with my assumptions and expectations on her.

After being hurt, blindsided, and betrayed by her, I am expecting it. I assume that she doesn’t respect me. I assume that she isn’t attracted to me. I assume that she’s devoid of understanding and lacks emotional intelligence. I also assume that she isn’t ALWAYS cheating, but she can start back at any given time. I assume that she’s going to reject me for sex. And it generally always plays itself out. And I assume that I’m going to feel inadequate because I can’t attract her. And it happens. Since me and my ex lover called things off, (and I’m horny) I consciously created a scenario where I’d get oral from the stbx. I also assumed it would be weird. She offered it once, but I rejected her. Literally pushed her off and said. I’m just joking. The second time, I assumed it would be weird….and it was as weird as I figured it would be. It’s a self repeating self fulfiling prophecy. Before, I was ignorantly subconsiously creating it. But now, it would appear that I can consciously create what I want.

I’m saying all of this to say that I’m a believer in this stuff. I’m thinking that I could possibly fix things with her using these laws….. but I don’t really want to. I’m not motivated by her. I’ve created scenarios in my mind where I don’t respect her. I’m not attracted to her. And now, she says and does things that really turn me off towards her. Her actions line up generally with what I expect. I expect her to be unattracted and turned off by me. As a result I feel and act self conscious and unattractive when I’m around her. Thus fulfilling my assumptions and expectations….most of this is subconscious btw.

This is a result of the trauma she put me in. My assumptions and expectations are based on fear of getting hurt again. They act in a way to protect me from that. My subconscious mind is programmed. I don’t trust her. (Again, this assumption will continue to play itself out if i leave it unchecked). But it’s like I find comfort in this space….despite it being toxic for me and overall mental well-being.

I shouldn’t rely on my unconscious interpretation of the external world to create my inner sense of happiness and peace. The happenings /outcomes are just vehicles to get me to the destination of the “feeling” i’d like to have. Currently, I expect feelings of hurt and disappointment subconsciously and I am getting exactly that.

My experience of her is an mirror. It is a reflection of conscious and subconscious assumptions and expectations that I have about her manifesting itself into my reality. The unconsious interpretation of this results in the “feeling” that I expect to have. In that measure. In this case, it’s an undesired feeling.

This is an example of how we can manifest bad things into our lives if left on autopilot.

Confidence therefore is having positive expectations for a positive outcome. Fear is the positive expectation of a negative outcome. Faith is maintaining positive assumptions despite being unable to presently see the desired outcome. Doubt is maintaining negative assumptions despite presently not experiencing the undesired outcome.

I’ve consciously and subconsiously lost confidence and faith in her. But the biggest issue isn’t losing faith in her. It really all about me. I’m giving her too much power over my experience. I am allowing my fear/anger/hurt….etc to dicatate how I feel about myself and ability to create a more desirable outcome. I am allowing fear to create Fear and Doubt which manifests itself into disappointment and failure.

Overcoming this is hard. Very hard. There is something within me that is totally irrational when it comes to having feelings of “good faith” towards her. It’s like I’d rather suffer than extend an olive branch, even if it means that this might be a pathway to inner peace. So i suppose I haven’t forgiven her yet.

I don’t really know WHAT i want from her at this point. I need to figure that part out. But until I overcome this trauma (subconsciously and consciously)…..I’m going to continue to dwell in this hell of insecurity and negative feelings. But I got this.

This understanding should help me overcome.

Lessons Learned from a failing marriage

Two weekends in a row and no communication. I guess it’s safe to say she’s my ex lover. I’m sort of sad about it, but not really. It didn’t take too long to get over her, i mean i do sort of miss her. But this is nothing compared to what I went through in my marriage. And it’s another example of why long term fwb’s can work out better in the end.

We both knew that this day would come sooner or later, so in a way, we were both prepared. Plus, we were honest (for the most part) about everything. I’m not angry nor hurt and I don’t think that she is either. I think that she does kind of miss me in the same way. But, she has someone to soften the blow and cure the loneliness. In a way, I sort of have the STBXW around the house and she’s acting somewhat repentant. Or should I say, I don’t think she’s “seeing” anyone right now. I still don’t trust her and do realize that this is probably a temporary thing though. It’s dangerous as I find myself letting my guard down around her.

Had me and my lover (over the last 3 years) gotten engaged, married, and moved in together, we’d be the cause and cure of a huge level of stress in each other’s lives. It’s really a testament of how disconnected STBXW is that I could have had a half “relationship” on the side and she had no clue about it. At least she NEVER mentioned it despite me talking all the big shit in the world about her affair(s). I digress, the truth of it is that exlover and I just weren’t compatible for a serious long term relationship. Drinking, sex, and having fun were at the core of our friendship. I don’t know how it lasted as long as it did if I’m honest. U can’t underestimate great sex and loneliness i suppose. Plus it helped keep our body counts down. So that’s something positive.

I hope the best for her.

As for me, I don’t know. I now realize that the stbxw and I are also incompatible for many reasons. Ironically, had it not been for her, I might have made the same mistake of trying to marry or get serious about the ex lover.

Compatibility and chemistry are so important in relationships. It’s the foundation that will bring u back together if things happen to fall apart. Once honeymoon phase lust wears off, it’s the thing that will help propel you into the next level of love. It keeps you from acting upon the instinct of “loving, but not being in love” with someone. Of course, character communication and integrity also play key roles too. Unfortunately, I don’t see those things in our marriage.

So I get that I’m a stand in to my STBXW (as I was to my lover) until the next thing comes along. In a way, if I’m honest, she is a stand in too. I mean, if I were to find a woman who i felt a personal chemistry /attraction with…and it was mutual… this point, I’d probably pursue it. Before her affair and subsequent betrayals, i believe that I would have shut it down immediately.

We’re with each other for the kid and convenience for now. I have to take ownership in some of this as I chose not to do more in order to leave. I did try though and really STBXW keeps coming back out of convenience. So if i find someone who I can really vibe with on a greater level, what reasons would I have to stay? STBXW isn’t really showing any repentance. I keep being a passive aggressive asshole to her for that fact. I could probably eventually forgive her for what she did (I’m not AS mad about it anymore), but she gives me no reason to trust her. Plus the sex is as sparse, weird, and bad as ever. But to her credit, I don’t feel as confident towards her. Due to so much rejection I expect it before even asking. As a result, I am not as attracted nor do I make any real effort anymore. I don’t like feeling like I have no game when it comes to her as it manifests in the unflattering that way I behave when we’re together. Negative expectations/assumptions = negative outcomes.

I hate the way she makes me feel about myself sexually. Contrasted with how I loved the way I felt about myself sexually with my exlover. It was motivational in certain ways. I brought us closer together. Perhaps I am co-dependent in that way. I like who likes me, otherwise, I’m not really interested. Dunno what to say. Her brutal affair on top of all of that doesn’t help much either.

I could see fucking her, but definitely not making love. No kissing, holding, hugging or intimacy. No massages or pillow talk. Minimal eye contact. It would almost be like giving a ho some money and saying let’s just get to it. I’m not worried about getting her off. This is not good for a marriage. I love intimacy, so this doesn’t work so well for me. And i could also imagine that the sex would be pretty bad for her as well. We’re really just biding time with each other until something better comes along.

So just as with my ex lover, I’m playing a game of chicken where one of us is bound to crash and burn. Perhaps knowing this is beneficial as hopefully, if she finds someone first (as my lover did), I won’t be mad /hurt/ angry/ upset by it as I was the first few times. But at least me and my lover had some fun sex on the way.

How the fuck did i end up here?

What the ?

STBXW has moved back in due to some unforeseen circumstances and man she’s really been on one. In her own way, I think she’s trying to ‘fix’ things like not hiding her phone when she’s on it or telling me her where abouts if she leaves the apartment.

I’m convinced that this chick has flown over the cookoo’s nest. I don’t know if it’s just me, but her justifications and arguments for her affairs are trash. She says that she resents/resented me, but can’t tell me why exactly.

The sex is just awful. I guess she was in the mood and woke me up this morning with the sounds of the buzzing of her vibrator. She asks me to lick her breasts while she plays with it. Nothing doing. I’ve tried that dumb shit before and all she did was get off from the vibrator while leaving me on hard.

Though I was tempted as I haven’t been getting any recently, I decided to decline. She asks why and I explain how last time that happened, I felt like a gotdamn fool. “Why” she asks. “Let’s not talk about it.” “I’m good” …. I get up to leave since I don’t know why she’s in the bed with me anyway. But she pulls my arm and begs me to stay.

So now we have to have the conversation where I explained and asked her how she’d feel if

1)I cheated on her multiple times

2)If i wanted sex, I’d let her watch me masturbate but wouldn’t allow her to touch me…..except in specific places

3)Every time she asked me for sex, I’d always have an excuse or turned her down.

4)And not to mention that once during her affair, we had sex where she said the other guys name and told him about it. They laughed it off, as it was a boost to his ego, but at the same time, he cursed her out and asked why she had sex with me in the first place.

She says that she doesn’t mean anything by it and that basically, I’m taking it too personally. Her exact words were that she never thought about it like that. I replied that this type of behavior is emotionally and mentally damaging and borderline abusive.

Listen, I’m a grown assed man and I really hate having these types of conversations with her. I shouldn’t have to talk to an adult woman about how to treat others. I feel pathetic for even being in the vicinity with her after all of that.

Reading this, I know that I sound like a beta male simp. In certain ways, perhaps I agree. I gotta do better man. This chick is bullying me into being in a situation with her. I’ve been over it, as far as wanting to fix things with her. I just want her to move out. I gotta get this divorce as these things cannot happen.

Noone has ever treated me like this. I have to figure something out as she literally won’t leave and due the fact we’re married, she is under no legal obligation to go. She treats me that way because she can.

Here’s the thing…. I really believe her when she says that she doesn’t think about it like that. I am pretty much convinced that this chick is devoid of understanding. She’s an emotional blonde. Her arguments and justifications are just terrible. I’m not sure how I missed all of these red flags in her. Did she change or was she always like this?

What’s wrong with me? Why am I allowing her to just do shit like this to me? How did I end up here?

Our son loves her to death and I don’t want to ruin their relationship. I love having him under the same roof, but I cannot take living with him if it requires so much loss of self-respect to have her there. I can’t just put my fist through her face as I’d normally do if someone cornered me so to speak and disrespected me.

However, even though I call her crazy…..i’m just as bad as I’m allowing it to happen. Perhaps it’s time to go for a (permanent) cigarette run to the store?

Letting Go

It’s funny how life works sometimes. My lover and I have decided to cool it off for a bit as she was introduced to some guy who is interested in getting to know her for the purpose of possibly getting married. I don’t want to hold her back from a chance at achieving this, so we’re playing it cool.

We didn’t see each other this weekend. I asked to come by Friday and she said no. But then she called me at midnight the next night and wanted me to come by. I didn’t answer the phone since i was up gaming with kiddo. We did talk the next day and she says she was drunk and was missing me, but it was good that I didn’t answer as she wanted me to come by.

She’s trying to do “right” by this guy so I understand. She told me that they’ve been talking on the phone a lot and he’s supposed to flying in to visit her for valentine’s day weekend. In a way, it’s a bit of relief as i don’t have to worry about doing something for her. Not that i’d mind, but given the state of our relationship status, I don’t know what’s appropriate. That’s the confusing part about “situationships”. It sometimes feels like a relationship, but the rules are a bit different. It’s based on trust (from a sex perspective) but not on a commitment to be together.

Besides, I don’t want to marry her right now, nor be in a relationship. I guess that all sexual relationships don’t have to end up with yelling and screaming. I really love her as a friend….to the point I’d be willing to let go of our sexual relationship for the chance at seeing her be happy. It’s not even that hard to do, but I think that I’m going to miss hanging out with her and the sex. It’s so weird though. I don’t want to let her go on a certain level, but I can’t hold her back. Short term it sucks, but long term, I think that it’s for the best as she could never blame me for holding her back.

Though we often joked that our ‘relationship’ was toxic, I do think that we are handling this as maturely as possible. At least we got a chance to enjoy some “toxic relationship” sex without tearing each other down in the process. As I sit here waiting for her to return a text back to me, I know that sooner or later, one of us is gong to have to cut the cord. So I’m not really tripping if i don’t hear back. I don’t feel rejected and I respect her for being honest about everything.

That said, I actually had the opportunity to spend the whole weekend with STBXW and kiddo. Man, that chick is cray cray. No seriously. We got a chance to talk and she really hasn’t learned her lesson about cheating and infidelity. She is ignorantly selfish and/or highly manipulative. It’s like she doesn’t get the concept about self respect. It’s like she somewhat conceptually understands ‘why’ I’m angry and don’t trust her, but thinks that we should move somewhere to start over.

After recalling the worst events of her affair(s) and then telling her for the umpteenth time why I don’t trust her….and why I couldn’t respect myself even if I wanted to still work on things, it’s still like she doesn’t get it. Her go to phrase for the weekend. “Couples go through things sometimes.” I’m like naah bih, you put us through something. These are red flags and signs that she’d do it again. I already don’t trust her and her reactions/responses still reek of an unloyal and unstable person. This is why i’m willing to believe that she’s actually ignorantly selfish as opposed to manipulative. A manipulative person would have given much better answers.

Her seeming inability to empathize with the concept of self respect in this situation shows me that she lacks it herself. I can’t expect her to respect me (or our marriage) if she doesn’t understand how to respect herself. It helps explain how she was able to betray me so savagely and how she didn’t lose much sleep over it. Or why she’s still so unrepentant. She hasn’t gotten the lesson. So again, it boils down to me not trusting her. I’m still struggling to forgive and heal. But this does indeed confirm to me that she just can’t be trusted.

I hate to do comparisons between a lover and a spouse. I’d imagine that people see their lover with rose tinted glasses. But I’d be remiss to say that I respect my lover’s decision and honesty. Despite not necessarily liking her decision. I respect and understand it. To me, that’s a foundation of friendship that if i were to ever be in a relationship again, I’d cherish. I do suppose that what the stbxw’s communication is sincere if not short sighted. But still, she has shown that her ideals on loyalty and respect is a little to crass for my taste. At least for what I’d be looking for in a long term serious relationship let alone a marriage.

That said, I’d rather be single for now than to just have anybody. Plus, the sex is garbage anyway and i suppose it’s to be expected from a selfish ass person. Semen retention isn’t too hard to practice with her around as I’m not that interested anymore anyway. Among many lesson’s I’ve learned from my lover is that sex and intimacy with someone who’s just as giving (and attracted) is infinitely better.