The madness of dealing with a cheater

I just don’t understand the mindset of cheaters.   I’ve been reading stories on reddit’s surviving infidelity forums and I’m convinced that there must be a special place in hell for them.   Wait…I can’t judge too much based off my ‘separation shenanigans’, but I’m not separated because I wanted to be.  I was pushed into this.

Me, the wife, and our kid went to church this weekend and as usual, the Holy Spirit tailored the message for us.   This time, the sermon was about being ‘All in’.    The pastor specifically gave an example about how his parent’s divorce devestated him as a kid and it was due to them not being “All In.”

The day before, we talked about what we wanted moving forward and neither of us know at this point.   She’s been nicer to me, but still hasn’t shown me anything that would indicate that she wants to work on things.   She claims that she’s on the fence.   I don’t go out of my way to contact her and am still headed down the path of emotional disconnection. I usually try to keep it business only.   She wants to laugh and be friendly, but it pisses me off that she’s so aloof about how bad she hurt me.    Occassionally I do talk to her about my emotional state, but for the most part, I just come around to handle business and I don’t really say much to her at all.

The funny thing is that I don’t think that I’d be happy with her either.   The difference is that I never even thought that marriage was about happiness primarily.   To me, it was about growth and providing a stable home for our kids.   Sure we’d try our best to be and make each other happy, but ultimately, it was on us as individuals to find it within the space that our vows allowed.

I really don’t know how she can claim to love our son, but not be interested in making things work.   She called last night and told me that he was upset about me not living there and was hoping that I would move back in after the lease was up over there.  She told him that we have to figure a few things out and left it at that.   I really don’t understand how she could be so selfish and cold.   It’s really shocking that I really don’t know this woman.   Many days, I wish I never married her and brought our son into this. I love him with all of me and even though I’m over her as a spouse for the most part,  I would stay just so he wouldn’t have to experience that emotional pain.

How can cheaters be so freakin selfish?   How is she so ok with breaking up our family and hurting him?

I told her that I was truly blindsided by the whole thing because she never told me she was unhappy before the affair.   She tells me now that she didn’t handle it right.   At the same time, reading the surviving infidelity forums from people who went through this tells me that there is a very good chance that even if we somehow manage to work it out, she’d very likely cheat again.   Given the level she betrayed me for him, the lack of remorse, and tepid commitment to possibly working things out, i’m thinking it might be him again should she reach out.   It doesn’t matter that she tells me that she now ‘realizes’ that he isn’t a good person.

I love my son, I’d consider doing more work to meet her more than halfway, but she isn’t the type that I can trust.   I don’t get how we can agree on so many moral issues.   How she can actively dislike R. Kelly, talk shit about cheaters on the reality TV shows she watches, but still be the way she is.   Man, this chick is crazy.

 

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History repeating itself

I knew the day would come when me and she would have to part ways.   I never knew how it would happen, but I always knew it wouldn’t be a forever thing.   We never placed any expectations on each other, except honesty to each other about fidelity.   No rules, no strings, just let each other know if we had sex with someone else.   No hard feelings.

I had hoped that we could maintain that promise.   But I realize it is  a pretty tall order.  I believe she broke that.   It doesn’t feel off, but the holes in her stories are starting to make me give pause.    I think I’m getting in a little over my head and so it’s probably time to fall back because it matters to me.    Given what she’s told me about her past and what i’ve been able to gather from her present.   There just too many red flags to continue.   It really is a case of it being me and not her.   I can’t handle the emotional aspect of it and I don’t want to be that jealous guy.    My own history has shown that I must be a magnet for these chicks.  I’ve read this story before.  It’s the story of my life.   Funny how history has a way of repeating itself.   She is like a combination of all my ex’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I judge, but not out of a feeling of superiority.   I wish the best for her.   I just know that I’d be a fool to get attached.  Especially when I know that it isn’t going anywhere.   Oddly enough, this has been the story of my love life.   We start as a fling, to fwb, to let’s try this, to it seems pretty cool….then, almost on queue the disrespect, unanswered calls, questionable missing weekends, cheating and inevitable break up.

Followed with a break period, us getting back together, and then dysfunction until one of us moves away.   Happened 3 times already.   The process takes about 3 to 4 years.

Oddly enough,  I never expect anything at first.   Hell i already see/saw the red flags.  I wasn’t foolish enough figure they wouldn’t be problematic in the long run.   But you keep having fun, hanging out, fucking,  and the next thing you know…..emotional attachment.  That’s the part I never seemed to anticipate.

My wife was the only exception to these long term things, but that’s a shit show now.

I gotta think with the big head this time and not the little one.   I’m not mad or angry at her.    I just know her nature.  I’ve dated her before.   Without any prospects right now, I gotta do what’s best for me and fall back.  That’s the hard part.   While  I did miss the intimacy, sex, and attention that I wasn’t getting from my wife,  it will come at a price if I continue down this road.    Hopefully i won’t go all let’s fix it with my wife.   I’ve come too far to emotionally detach to turn back now.   I hope this doesn’t interfere with my progress.

Fortunately, my lover did relieve me from some of the pressure of obsessing over my wife.    Life’s a lot easier if i’m not thinking about her.   But it’s stupid to replace one problem with another one.   I would save myself a lot of potential heartache by distancing myself at this point.

I already know what I need to do.    Just time to do it.

Man, screw that.  Who walks away from a free paycheck?  Shit she gotta fire me.