You just can’t have one girl

After a weekend of shenanigans, I ended up with a cbd vape pen.   I quit smoking weed regularly nearly a decade now because I realized that somewhere along the line, anxiety and paranoia wasn’t worth the trip.   It’s just not MY drug.   And apparently, it still isn’t.

My ‘friend’ called me over last night and so my dumb ass decided to hit the vape pen before I got there.   Yes, it was as awkward as all get out.   The sex started off as great, but when the high really kicked in, I started waxing philosophical about whatever the hell came to mind.

I was stuck between being ‘me’ and being ‘high’ me.   My mind already over thinks everything, but just imagine being compulsed to articulate everything you think, because the thoughts are loud, clear, and in slow motion.   I did that and it ruined the mood.  Great for sex physically.   But horrible if you’re talking shit and aren’t on the same frequency.

Yeah, just another reason to hate myself, but it is what it is.   I actually dont hate myself for that, but I did fuck up with her and probably lost a few ‘points’ with her.   I actually give more fucks about it than i should.

It made me realize that we as men MUST have more than one girl we’re dealing with at a time if we want to keep her interested.   I’m so worried about losing her that I can’t be real and so I overthink shit too much.   That’s insecure and unattractive.   If i have two or three women and if I ‘fuck up’ the moment with one, which knowing me, it’s gonna happen sooner or later, then I’m still able to maintain my own frame without feeling afraid she that she doesn’t like me anymore.   Maybe i just have abandonment issues?  Maybe they shouldn’t be so damned fickle?

Women don’t understand that caring actually causes us to be a bit insecure.   It’s like they want us to love them, but at the same time be able to love them without feeling afraid that we might lose them.   It’s a real mind fuck.

It’s so much easier to game and stay attractive if we can walk the fuck away as quickly as possible.   At the end of the day,  romantic love does have this element of unbridled lust which is hard to maintain if you’re exclusive.   It’s too much pressure to stay your best if you really give a fuck.

Having multiple women helps keep that fear of losing her at bay, thus you stay confident.    It gives me room to wrong  with her and not be so hard on myself.   One woman just makes it too hard to not worry about it.

Being sexually exclusive whether out of necessity or choice is a real danger that we as men face.   Especially if the former is true.   The average woman can never really know that pain.  Getting laid and the ‘getting to know u’ excitement is literally one swipe away for them.

As an empathic male, it is my duty to make sure i don’t put that emotional insecurity into her and the only way is through having others on the side.  She literally feels my insecurity or confidence and as of now, it’s based on how I think she feels about me.  She is truly a reflection on how I feel about myself.   Unfortunately, it’s based on how i perceive that the treats me.  Codependence is a bitch.

I’m  jealous that I have to put in so much work to get into a sexual relationship while she can simply show up and just not be too bitchy.   Cheating and having more than one woman is truly the great equalizer.   We as men ‘have to cheat’ if we want to maintain staying attractive to her.   Yes, it will hurt her if she finds out, but isn’t it better for both of us?  Plus a woman won’t really leave you for cheating on her if she loves you.   It’s the worst thing they can do to us as men, but it’s really not the worst thing we can do to them.  In fact,  I’m starting to think that it is a necessary evil.

This experience also helped me realize that I am probably fall on the spectrum of autism socially and weed pushes it over the edge.  I literally throw most ‘social’ norms out of the window and point to the imaginary elephant in the room.   It’s insecurity at it’s finest.   It’s not fun, even though I do it and laugh at it.   it doesn’t do much to make her feel better about the situation.

I did this with my wife as well.  To a lesser degree since i was mostly sober, but over time, i could see how you end up not liking a person over that.      I get why she fell out of love.   I didn’t cheat….lol, but ironically, it’s true.  I can’t be mad at her nor me as I did act of of ignorance.

The damage is done with my friend.  I’m cool though.  I can recover if i’m just patient and let time do it’s thing.  She likes me enough, but for now, the best thing is to fall way the fuck back.   If she comes back around, she does, and even when she does, I know that I gotta get someone else on the side.   In real life, I’m too insecure to handle just one woman.  It literally has to be 3 or more to maintain the balance of not giving enough fucks to stay attractive.  Plus it’s so much easier to have her leave me over cheating than have her leaving me because she got bored or tired of my insecurity.

My three key take aways from all this are:

1)You have to cheat on your girl

2)Social ‘lubrication’ does have an element of ‘fakeness’ in it

3)Mary J is still not a drug for me









Am i broken or finally waking up?

I’m wondering if all this mgtow, redpill information is affecting me in a bad way.  I didn’t forsee the implications of all of this.   To believe that most women are not trustworthy and that finding a good one is truly like finding a needle in a haystack is a bit depressing.   The pain that came after opening myself up is something I don’t think I can ever forget.   I feel much better, but I know that something is missing now.   I know that I really don’t want to love like that again.

It has also pretty much brought me to the conclusion that monogamy is dead.   And that the only way to have a ‘relationship’ is to assume that your woman will ultimately cheat on you.   I don’t know why this is a big problem for me, but it is.   Perhaps a few more months of normalizing this idea will bring me to the point where it really doesn’t matter.

For some reason, I don’t want to get to that point.   As of now, somewhere, there is the dream that some women really won’t go out there and cheat behind my back with someone more alpha, some ex flame, or some new crush that reciprocates.

The part of the programming where monogamy is a real thing is a hard one to overcome.   If I have to share someone sexually, then I really don’t want a love relationship.   I mean I get that people like variety and all, but still.

I know sometimes, it’s JUST SEX, but still.   It’s a hurtful thing to think that the one you love in the embrace of another man’s arms.  I’ve lived through it and tbh, I don’t want that type of attachment.   To think that my entire world could come crumbing down because she decides to give another man a blowjob.   And yet, if i choose to love again, that could totally happen.  Given the way these women are acting now, it’s likely.

The peter pan idea of it not happening is pathetic.

But what do I look like, being there for her, having her back, dealing with her good and bad, providing, supporting, and sacrificing, when another man who does none of that can still get in and get what’s supposed to be exclusive to me.  Disrespect her sexually in ways she likes but won’t allow me to do because she doesn’t want me to see her like that.  Nature and psychology played a cruel trick on us.

He gets the milk while I’m taking care of the cow.   FWB seem to be the only way from here.   If i gotta share, then why put in all the work anyway?  What am I a fool?  He gets to benefit from my efforts without having to lift a damn finger….ok maybe one.  There is no honor in that.  In this case, it’s more self respectable just have the milk and let him do all the heavy cow lifting.

Let him invest and I’ll do the rest.  If other men don’t know or don’t care what their woman is doing behind their backs, then I’d be a damn fool out here knowing what I know and wanting to have that.

Perhaps sex is no more meaningful than going to a football game or taking a stroll in the park.   It’s as meaningful as we make it and it’s more meaningful when it means something ya know.   I get why a man would want to invest in a woman.  It’s a beautiful, hard, ugly, but ultimately amazing thing if it works right.

I sort of pity these fools.  I was there once.    Most husbands hearts would break if they know all the things these wives are out here doing.    They’d be disgusted.   I literally threw up when I found out about my wife.  I still can’t imagine putting another man through that even if his wife was hot,had the hots for me, and was willing to herself.   Getting cheated your wife while you love her is truly hell…and yet it happens A LOT.

As amazing as sex with attachment is, it’s really/truly not worth the fallout and the odds are in highly in favor of it ending badly.

Deep down, I still do want that 1 person still even though now that thought feels foolish, naive, and unrealistic.

Or i could just stay blue pill and pretend that this doesn’t happen.   Nah man, screw romantic love, it’s just all neurochemicals and biology anyway.   Smoke and mirrors.   The old days of monogamy are gone.   So is that type of love.  I gotta get over that desire for that kind of love.

I know it sounds selfish, but if I can’t have the monogamy, then I don’t want the hard parts of traditional love it either.

From now on, the  motto is:   “Do you, I’ll do me, and when we get together, we’ll do us …until we get tired of  doing it.”  … It’s the only way to do it these days.




The madness of dealing with a cheater

I just don’t understand the mindset of cheaters.   I’ve been reading stories on reddit’s surviving infidelity forums and I’m convinced that there must be a special place in hell for them.   Wait…I can’t judge too much based off my ‘separation shenanigans’, but I’m not separated because I wanted to be.  I was pushed into this.

Me, the wife, and our kid went to church this weekend and as usual, the Holy Spirit tailored the message for us.   This time, the sermon was about being ‘All in’.    The pastor specifically gave an example about how his parent’s divorce devestated him as a kid and it was due to them not being “All In.”

The day before, we talked about what we wanted moving forward and neither of us know at this point.   She’s been nicer to me, but still hasn’t shown me anything that would indicate that she wants to work on things.   She claims that she’s on the fence.   I don’t go out of my way to contact her and am still headed down the path of emotional disconnection. I usually try to keep it business only.   She wants to laugh and be friendly, but it pisses me off that she’s so aloof about how bad she hurt me.    Occassionally I do talk to her about my emotional state, but for the most part, I just come around to handle business and I don’t really say much to her at all.

The funny thing is that I don’t think that I’d be happy with her either.   The difference is that I never even thought that marriage was about happiness primarily.   To me, it was about growth and providing a stable home for our kids.   Sure we’d try our best to be and make each other happy, but ultimately, it was on us as individuals to find it within the space that our vows allowed.

I really don’t know how she can claim to love our son, but not be interested in making things work.   She called last night and told me that he was upset about me not living there and was hoping that I would move back in after the lease was up over there.  She told him that we have to figure a few things out and left it at that.   I really don’t understand how she could be so selfish and cold.   It’s really shocking that I really don’t know this woman.   Many days, I wish I never married her and brought our son into this. I love him with all of me and even though I’m over her as a spouse for the most part,  I would stay just so he wouldn’t have to experience that emotional pain.

How can cheaters be so freakin selfish?   How is she so ok with breaking up our family and hurting him?

I told her that I was truly blindsided by the whole thing because she never told me she was unhappy before the affair.   She tells me now that she didn’t handle it right.   At the same time, reading the surviving infidelity forums from people who went through this tells me that there is a very good chance that even if we somehow manage to work it out, she’d very likely cheat again.   Given the level she betrayed me for him, the lack of remorse, and tepid commitment to possibly working things out, i’m thinking it might be him again should she reach out.   It doesn’t matter that she tells me that she now ‘realizes’ that he isn’t a good person.

I love my son, I’d consider doing more work to meet her more than halfway, but she isn’t the type that I can trust.   I don’t get how we can agree on so many moral issues.   How she can actively dislike R. Kelly, talk shit about cheaters on the reality TV shows she watches, but still be the way she is.   Man, this chick is crazy.


History repeating itself

I knew the day would come when me and she would have to part ways.   I never knew how it would happen, but I always knew it wouldn’t be a forever thing.   We never placed any expectations on each other, except honesty to each other about fidelity.   No rules, no strings, just let each other know if we had sex with someone else.   No hard feelings.

I had hoped that we could maintain that promise.   But I realize it is  a pretty tall order.  I believe she broke that.   It doesn’t feel off, but the holes in her stories are starting to make me give pause.    I think I’m getting in a little over my head and so it’s probably time to fall back because it matters to me.    Given what she’s told me about her past and what i’ve been able to gather from her present.   There just too many red flags to continue.   It really is a case of it being me and not her.   I can’t handle the emotional aspect of it and I don’t want to be that jealous guy.    My own history has shown that I must be a magnet for these chicks.  I’ve read this story before.  It’s the story of my life.   Funny how history has a way of repeating itself.   She is like a combination of all my ex’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I judge, but not out of a feeling of superiority.   I wish the best for her.   I just know that I’d be a fool to get attached.  Especially when I know that it isn’t going anywhere.   Oddly enough, this has been the story of my love life.   We start as a fling, to fwb, to let’s try this, to it seems pretty cool….then, almost on queue the disrespect, unanswered calls, questionable missing weekends, cheating and inevitable break up.

Followed with a break period, us getting back together, and then dysfunction until one of us moves away.   Happened 3 times already.   The process takes about 3 to 4 years.

Oddly enough,  I never expect anything at first.   Hell i already see/saw the red flags.  I wasn’t foolish enough figure they wouldn’t be problematic in the long run.   But you keep having fun, hanging out, fucking,  and the next thing you know…..emotional attachment.  That’s the part I never seemed to anticipate.

My wife was the only exception to these long term things, but that’s a shit show now.

I gotta think with the big head this time and not the little one.   I’m not mad or angry at her.    I just know her nature.  I’ve dated her before.   Without any prospects right now, I gotta do what’s best for me and fall back.  That’s the hard part.   While  I did miss the intimacy, sex, and attention that I wasn’t getting from my wife,  it will come at a price if I continue down this road.    Hopefully i won’t go all let’s fix it with my wife.   I’ve come too far to emotionally detach to turn back now.   I hope this doesn’t interfere with my progress.

Fortunately, my lover did relieve me from some of the pressure of obsessing over my wife.    Life’s a lot easier if i’m not thinking about her.   But it’s stupid to replace one problem with another one.   I would save myself a lot of potential heartache by distancing myself at this point.

I already know what I need to do.    Just time to do it.

Man, screw that.  Who walks away from a free paycheck?  Shit she gotta fire me.