I seem to find myself in a sort of reverse sort of soliphistic conundrum where I don’t know if I can trust my own mind. Maybe I’m finally losing it. I don’t know what’s real anymore. Am I wrong for not wanting a relationship.

Am I really damaged because I simply don’t want to play this game of capitulating to the whimsical whims of a woman in order to make/keep her happy. I’ve been talking to a female friend lately and I think I can see why she’s single. It’s madness trying to get her to see things from my point of view. In typical woman fashion, she acts as if what I’m saying is completely outside of reason. Or that I have some sort of mental issues going on.

Just saying. On one hand, when I told her about my wife basically leaving, her immediate question was what did I do or didn’t do. To her, I should have maybe taken her on more date nights, taken her out on more trips since she likes those things. Maybe I should have been more ambitious. … in other words those superficial things (in her opinion) may have been justification for her unhappiness and desire to leave. She also said that maybe the things that I did do for her just weren’t enough for her.

Maybe she’s right. Even though her grounds aren’t biblical enough to renege on her vows (at least from my understanding of them), perhaps it’s a sign of the times. This does however further strengthen my strong conviction that modern marriage just ain’t worth it. The thing that gets me now is that I am no longer desiring to capitulate or cater to the whimsical whims of women anymore. At least not from the heart. I mean perhaps I was looking at this the wrong way. I was thinking that we (in a committed relationship) were to serve one another without necessarily keeping score of who did what. We served each other out of love….almost like how like we do things for our children. Obviously, if things started to feel one sided, you could address it….but the implicit agreement is that we looked out for each other…..serving her was like serving me and vice versa.

But perhaps relationships should be seen as more transactional than utilitarian. The what have/ what are you doing for me mindset should be employed at every turn. Perhaps I sold my “love” for too cheap. That she should constantly be ‘earning’ it and she can lose it if she does not do what I want her to do. I should be making more demands….and even though it’s her choice whether or not to keep up with those demands, her not fulfilling them should determine my level of love and dedication to her.

That happy wife, happy life shit cannot fly. Happy spouse happy house. In other words, I should put me first, us second, and her third.

This goes directly against what I was taught as a child. My mother used to give us the acronym JOY….Jesus, Others, Yourself (in that order)….as the model of how to interface with the world. Perhaps I took it too literally. Maybe this is where the “martyr” complex comes from.

Even today, it seems more selfish than selfless to me, but in a world where selfishness or self comes first to most people, it’s easy for those with the former mindset to be taken advantage of. Empathy starts at home. With me and maybe I should start putting my wants/needs/and desires first above others. Perhaps selfishness isn’t such a bad thing after all. In excess, for sure selfishness is a bad thing…..but maybe the JOY model isn’t meant to be a forever thing. It was a tool to teach me to learn how not to be too selfish. But it should be employed only when necessary.

For me, today, this means that love is transactional and giving from my ‘heart’ is really just about giving so that I can receive. And she really does ‘owe’ me if I do something for her. It’s not about me caring to look out in hopes of reciprocation. It really is about if i scratch your back, you owe it back to me to do …x,y, and/or z.

That’s not love to me, but it seems to be the way of the world. I don’t know if I really like this model. But I’m going to have to start using it….especially towards STBXW or any woman in general. I’m not showing her ‘love’ or ‘appreciation’ unless she is actually doing something tangible that I asked her to do. Any attempt to ‘show’ love doesn’t count unless I specifically ask for it. And even then, it’s only valid until I require something else.

This doesn’t come naturally for me as I’m quite independent. I’ll usually ask once, and if the answer is ‘no’ then I have no problems with just doing it myself. I never required much from people as I’ve usually always felt blessed enough to not to NEED their help. I also hated asking for help as I always felt that I would be indebted to them. But another component of this is to feel entitled. That they should help me if they want my validation and i don’t owe them anything, but validation. It sounds like being a user, but maybe i’ve paid enough debt over the last 40 something years without requiring payment back.

As much as I’ve been complaining about being a doormat, it is because I allowed myself to be one. I only required respect back. This doesn’t work. The lesson in all of this is don’t ask me for shit. Selflessness, thoughtfulness, and putting others first is the quickest way to being walked all over. Entitlement, and the what have you done for me lately mentality needs be radically employed to balance out the scales. Though I thought this mindset was in poor taste at best. Being a servant to others only works if you’re expecting something back. I gotta kill that beta mindset.

If you think about it, beta is second. Alpha is first. Putting myself second and others first as in the JOY model does seem to align with a ‘beta’…. aka your needs first, mine second.

I really don’t understand the ‘spell’ that stbxw has on me. Is it a trauma bond. I can’t stop being angry with her and you’d think that I’d be completely over it. Like, I don’t expect anything from her. Nothing good anyway. I know she doesn’t love me. I know she’s cheated multiple times. And if she isn’t a narc, she sure has a lot of the characteristics of one. I know that she can’t / won’t change….and even if she claimed to, I wouldn’t believe her. What’s revenge at this point? We can’t fix shit, I don’t want to fix it. Logically, I know that she can’t ‘unfuck’ and ‘unsuck’ all of those guys. Nothing she can say or do will fix the pain and humiliation she put me thru.

I believe it when they say that hating someone is like swallowing poison hoping that the other person will get sick.

Yet for some odd reason, it still really bothers the fuck out of me knowing that she’s out there sleeping with other men. I know I shouldn’t care. I know that the idea that she’s my “wife” on paper does irk me. But really, what’s a piece of damned paper. The vows have been broken…for a long time.

I’m really hoping that divorce will finally bring me some peace. I would think that it really didn’t matter. Maybe I haven’t had enough time to get away. Like, maybe it’s because I have to deal with her so frequently. Maybe it’s because she acts so aloof. Maybe it’s because she expects me to be cool after all the disrespect. I’m not angry with any of my exe’s. I rarely think of them and when I do, I really don’t get upset. I don’t know how this chick hurt me so bad. I never thought it would have been so painful. It was by far the worst pain I ever experienced in life. Still though, I have no clue how 1)emotional pain could have hurt so bad and 2)how long this shit would affect me.

I’m over it, or I’d like to think so, but the fact that it still vexes me so much lets me know that I still have a little ways to go. What do I have to do to get over this? She totally isn’t worth the time i put into thinking about it. It’s never thoughts of hope or reconciliation. It’s mostly about how much I can’t stand her……but tbh, I’d rather not think about her at all.

She’s a special kind of evil in my life. I’m convinced that there is something demonic at play here. There is no way in hell I should be giving her any second thoughts at this point.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

-Prayer of Serenity

Even though I’ve pretty much determined that STBXW is a lost cause, the fact that she’s out here cheating vexes my spirit for some reason. She’s practically begging the new supply to leave his girl to get with her. Yeah, i snooped through her phone, sue me. She even went so far as to ask one of the other guys she flirts with if his girl (she sent a picture of her) was attractive. On a side note, the guy asked who the girl was and she said it was a random girl on the internet. The fact that she sent two pictures of the girl should have tipped off that this was personal, but who knows. The guy pretty much said that the girl was ok looking, not his type, but when it comes to choosing a girl, looks aren’t as important as some women think they are. I wholeheartedly agree with that. STBXW may be a little better looking physically, her character is ugly. Can she not see this in herself? Then again, how can people who lack self reflection ever truly know what they look like on the inside.

This is pretty pathetic imo. First of all, her new supply isn’t much of a looker himself, unless he’s just not all that photogenic. Looks are subjective though, so I can’t say much on that front. Secondly, the guy and the girl has a kid together and have been “together” for a while. Why is she even entertaining the idea of trying to steal him. Third, this isn’t the first time she did this as her first affair partner was living with one of his children’s mothers and she had no problems sneaking about with him….even picking him up and dropping him off from their shared home. 4th, why in the hell isn’t she divorcing me. I’ve been active in trying to get a noncontested divorce….going so far as printing out the paperwork and sitting down with her to go over the details. Why is she so noncooperative in assisting me. You’d think she’d be as enthusiastic as I am about it. 5th he told her that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with her. 6th he’s not the only person she’s texting talking about she wants to have sex with them. 7th her texts are usually very explicit where she initiates the sex conversations. 8th why in the hell is she always sending pics of our kid to these dudes. 9th they don’t send pics of their kids to her. 10 they know that she’s still married….. with her aggressiveness towards trying to hook up, then they probably know that she’s not a victim in all of this. Of course they’ll smash if sex is on the table. I think they’re normal guys though and even though they’ll entertain sex, I really can’t see them taking her on seriously as ‘wifey’….but then again, you never know. But knowing what I know about her, I honestly don’t care and sometimes I do wish one would take her on. Maybe then she’d finally be more cooperative insofar as getting this divorce. She’d be their problem.

Yes, I know that snooping into her personal life is probably a bit toxic on my behalf. Perhaps this is a case of what i don’t know won’t hurt me. But she lies so much that I really need to know what’s going on. I do fear that time may cause me to forget her transgressions and even though reconciliation isn’t on the table for now. Her demeanor makes her pretty easy to get along with, so I while I think those guys are wrong for cheating with a married woman, I can understand how they might see her as a decent person. If I ever thought that she had a change of heart (which she sometimes suggests), I’m afraid that I might be tempted to consider it. Doubtful, but still, call it preventative maintenance. In the unlikely event i did consider it, I could easily test her by asking her questions about the truth since I know way more than she thinks that I do. I still test her at times, just to see if she’s lying and if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was telling the truth. So yeah, I know that snooping is wrong, but in this case, i believe it is a necessary evil since she does have me trapped and remains dishonest.

I still don’t know how she could maintain a level of self respect knowing that she’s married and is doing the things that she is doing. These guys aren’t really expressing interest in her like that….based on the texts anyway. What makes matters even worse is that she knows that these men have girlfriends/wives and she has no problems with trying to steal them away.

What in the hell is going on with her mind? Has she no shame or self respect for herself? I guarantee that publicly, if she had a friend who told her about a desperate married chick trying to get her man, she’d condemn her for it. Especially if the main girl was a decent/good girl to him.

While it does bother me to know that she’s out here playing ‘desperate housewife’ as if I’m some abuser…..it makes me think that I am too much of a simp. Perhaps I am too weak. All I do is complain and try to lecture her. Yeah, I’ve done my thing on the side too in response to her treatment of me, but I haven’t left yet. She has me trapped and she knows it. She’s still using kiddo as a human shield so to speak. She knows that if I pull the trigger, he’s standing in the line of fire.

How did I marry such a wretched and immoral woman? She had me fooled for sure. But if any of these guys knwoing that is is married takes her seriously, then he got it coming. At least they had some warning.

I gotta get out of this. I don’t want her back at all knowing this. She is completely and 100% not a woman I would want to deal with. I am ashamed to be associated with her in this capacity. Kiddo was 8 years old when this started. He’ll be 13 this year. 5 years and many men later, I’m still here and that is shameful on my behalf. As much as I am talking shit about her, this shoudn’t have lasted for so long. My only saving grace is that I think that the ages between 4 and 12 are crucial during child’s mental development. I couldn’t blindside him with divorce as he (as did i) think that we had a pretty happy home. He only knew mommy and daddy. He loved/loves both of us….our family. He loved his home as much as I did. I didn’t want him to feel the pain that I felt. I made the decision for both of us to stay and my only regret is the dignity I willfully lost trying to protect him. I am a protector. I’d die for that kid. But as a young man, he has to learn that change is inevitable and sometimes pain comes along with it. He’s always been smart, yet he was protected from “that life.” We had a loving house hold, we didn’t argue much, we did things as a family, we tried to teach him morals and values. He has matured a lot since being that little 8 year old boy.

Though it won’t be easy, I think that he is old enough for it not to affect him psychologically as bad as it once would have when he was younger….even if the truth has to come out. She’s had 5 years to get her shit together. My youngest sibling was still in high school when she started and she graduates college in a few weeks. Enough has been enough. Since she won’t grant me an amicable divorce, I cannot afford a lawyer, I’m going to have to take it into my own hands and hope for the best. Even if I lose custody of kiddo, it will be worth it to gain my freedom and peace back. Should we worst occur and she get full custody, then I’m confident that the lessons I’ve taught him will keep him in line. I’ll always be there for him either way.

Even if she finds “happiness” with someone else. I KNOW her lack of character and integrity. Her lack of empathy. Her desperation. Her lying. Her inability to see how she disrespects herself. She’s going out bad and taking us all out with her. I cannot allow this generational curse to continue and if I truly love kiddo, I must stand up and do something. Even if it does hurt him in the short term. I’ve already hurt him and myself so much by staying. I’m setting the example of rug sweeping by being a damned doormat all in the name of keeping the peace.

I’m not worried about losing a good woman as a good women wouldn’t / couldn’t put herself into these positions. A good woman would have tried to fix her marriage instead of cheat. A decent woman would have at least left or if she did cheat once, she would have stopped or divorced. She would have taken ownership of destroying her home and hurting her husband. And at least understood that the best thing to do would be take responsibility for her decisions. A good/decent woman would/could not be willing to immorally hurt others, break up her own household, and other households for sex and attention. Despite outside appearances, this woman is wicked in the inside. Something is missing in her head and in her heart. She may hide it well to many. But woe be the tithes to any man who gives his heart to her.

She is the unreasonable one in all of this. I am actually following her lead by not standing up for myself. Toxicity has been introduced and either way this is going to end up messy. This is not my fault as I’ve bent over backwards trying to keep things cordial. She’s taken my kindness, love, and patience for weakness for too long. I will no longer stand by and be humiliated by her lack of empathy, self respect, and lack of respect for our family. I have a son who I must lead. This also goes to leading by example. Though I’m not perfect and have handled this badly so far, I have to fight for our honor and dignity. I fought and struggled to detach emotionally a while ago, but now is the time to take action. That battle has been won, but this war is still isn’t done until I can legitimately say that she is my ex wife.

The fight continues!!!

I cannot change her, but I can change our proximity. God grant me the strength to change the things I can change.

I still haven’t confronted STBXW about the contents of her phone. I’m not mad. It’s actually kind of entertaining to ask her questions, spin truths as hypotheticals, and ask her take on possible scenarios. Just to see her lie. I explain how cheaters operate. I explain how they often lie, gaslight, and pretend they are no longer having affairs. I’ve even asked if she did any of those things as people who cheat tend to operate from the same playbook. As usual, there are just more denials and lies.

It’s somewhat scary to see how easily people can just lie and it not bother them. Even with me knowing this, I checked the phone again and it showed just last week where her new AP was like, “why didn’t you delete the texts if you knew he had access to your phone.” In her mind, she thinks I just saw his name on the recents screen. She maintains the lie that she no longer talks to him and says that iphones just do that. To be petty, I was almost tempted to send him screenshots of the texts between the other guys….but tbh, it’s his problem as he knows she’s married…..and since he’s wanting to help keep it a secret, it shows that he isn’t just some sap being lied to at about me.

I’ve come to accept that this is just how the minds of some people work. They’re texts are reminscent of her first AP….where he also was cheating on his girl with her. This new guy is cheating on his girl with her as well. It’s sick and disgusting. It’s not surprising as both of them belong to professions where cheaters are very common. Law enforcement and nursing.

It was her idea to take kiddo to church this weekend for Easter Services. I shouldn’t have gone. On the way in, she tried to hold my arm to escort her into the church which I pulled away. I mean come on dude. Though I am starting to understand that cheaters/narcs are just who the fuck they are….I still don’t get how they can sleep at night.

I gotta endure this until I can get this divorce. I still can’t afford it, i already owe hella student loan money and she’s not being helpful with the noncontested divorce process.

But TBH outside of her infidelity, lying, and gaslighting attempts, she’s ok. She’s not an unsufferable person to deal with. She’s pretty easy going, helps with the bills, seems to care for kiddo, and pays for things. She doesn’t argue much and doesn’t harrass me about what I be doing.

Even though I’m not sure how karma works or even if it’s a real thing, I take come comfort in knowing that she’s not just like that because of me. That any guy who would be foolish enough to trust her would ultimately and most likely get cheated on. She isn’t consciences. She lacks integrity, empathy, and morals regardless of what type of situation she’d be in. If this wasn’t the case, then she would actually feel bad about doing what she does. Any good woman/wife worth marrying would not have operated the way that she did/does. Self respect and empathy would have just come naturally to her. It’s not something you can teach. It’s either in you or not. I don’t think this is a phase, it is who she is and she’s probably always been and unless some come to Jesus moment happens, she’ll always be that way.

That said, she is who she is. And though I judge her based upon my personal set of standards about integrity and truth. It’s only because she’s married to me and it looks like i’m going out bad.

Personally, I cannot let it bother me that a zebra has stripes or a leopard has spots so to speak. It is what it is. I picked bad, and it’s making me look bad, but it’s out of my hands. There is nothing I can do short of leaving. No pick me dances here. No trying to change her. She either cannot change or truly sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing. There is nothing I can do to change that. But it’s assuring to know that I didn’t fuck up in the sense of making her do these things. I didn’t force her hand AT ALL. Her choices and actions were and are entirely up to her to own or not.

The enforcement of personal boundaries is all i can do at this point. I refuse to sleep in the same bed with her. No cuddles though she wanted to last night. I was tempted as she was naked. Shit man, Idk why I am so weak for sex. I’m glad I didn’t because if she rejected me for sex, it would have made me angry based on the principle.

I asked her how would it make me look cuddling next to her, doing all of this stuff I do for her, laying next to her… only to have her leave and give sex and oral to a guy who isn’t doing any of that. She may not respect me, I got way more self respect than that. = Of course she lied and denied very convincingly saying that she doesn’t deal with him anymore…..but I got evidence. I wasn’t even mad, I just responded with “yah ok”. and proceeded to sleep on the couch. I know who she is now. I don’t think she even thinks about those things the way I do, but that goes back to her lack of empathy and awareness.

If I’m honest, I do want to fuck her (no love making)…but really it’s just to get back at him. Ideally she’d give me oral and go back and kiss him in the mouth. I’m not putting my lips anywhere near hers. Sleeping with her could prove detrimental to my healing….so IDK if it’s a great idea. Plus, she doesn’t strike me as the type who would use protection. So possibly detrimental to my health. Given all the dudes she’s having sex with/ potentially having sex with. Based on their dispositions it seems that they are bottom scrapers who will sleep with anyone and not worry about protection either.

None of that sharing drinks, staws, utensils, dipping sauce or anything. I’m careful to make sure kiddo doesn’t share anything with her either.

If she was only a baby mama, I’d be much better mentally. Divorcing her probably would ironically make me seem like a threat to them as they might worry if she was sleeping with me. It seems more believable that she isn’t sleeping with her husband when she visits, but it seems less believable if I was just her cool “baby daddy.”

My story is showing how marrying the wrong person can fuck you up in so many ways. Be careful out there.

I downloaded the custody forms and took them home to go over with STBXW. This chick actually sat there and went to sleep on around the 3rd question. Like bruh. It’s 6pm. Seriously, why is she like this? I grant that it does take time to go through the questions and think these things out, but come on, this is kind of important. Midway through, I got frustrated with her non participation, playing on her phone, and dozing off. I’m going to have to get a mediator. It’s impossible to fill out scheduling and custody arrangements if I don’t know where she’s going to be living and she’s barely helping me out with the questions.

Why is she like this? Because she is. The only conclusion is that she’s for the streets. This isn’t an just an insult. It’s a fact. I married a wanna be party girl. The only thing she takes seriously is her job. She wants everything to be fun….like all the time. She doesn’t contemplate life. I don’t really know what or even if thoughts run across her mind. Neither one of us are what you’d call long term planners. We’re both kind of fly by the seat of our pants, go with the flow kind of people. Therefore we don’t balance each other out. We’re not really good for each other.

The difference is that I’m a bit more self reflective. I accept this about myself and understand that I have to deal with the consequences. I know that if I want certain results, I have to put in the work, deny myself, or whatever it takes it get it. If things don’t work out, I generally know why and it falls on me. Her on the other hand doesn’t acknowledge this about herself and therefore she lacks accountability.

I generally care about how I treat others and my rule of thumb is the golden rule of treating others the way I’d like to be treated. Her biggest issue is that she just doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll hide things to protect her so called image. But in her head, if she didn’t get caught, it didn’t happen. And if she does get caught… deny, lie, or gaslight. If successful, it didn’t happen in her mind. This makes her for the streets. If u can’t trust someone to at the very least take ownership of their shit, then forget about honesty, open communication, and trust. She’s cool, but not as a wife or reliable friend.

The dudes fucking with her probably just want some pussy, head, and money from her. They are probably just using her to get the most, while giving as little as possible to get it. I’d be a hypocrite to say that I wouldn’t do the same thing. I can’t be mad at them….. because if we weren’t married, I’d do the same damned thing. I wouldn’t consider wifing her. She’s the fun girl. The escape. I’d milk that shit till the wheels fell off or she walked away. Especially if she made it so damned easy.

In the south, we used to call a naive person a ‘lick’. I recall thinking to myself when I was getting to know her that a lot of dudes would see her as a ‘lick’. As in, they could easily use her. At the time, I thought it was endearing. Like she needed protection. But now I realize that even though she is a ‘lick’…. she’s selfish, immoral, and easily corrupted.

Her levels of manipulation are crude, but effective in the sense of she just doesn’t give a fuck. She doesn’t respect herself, doesn’t realize it, so how could she ever really respect a significant other? Perhaps I was the ‘lick’ in this instance in that I completely underestimated her. She love bombed the fuck out of me in the beginning and I fell hard for it. If I didn’t know her like I do, and she gave me that sort of attention….. in short, she can be dangerous to a good hearted person.

I was drinking last night and told her that IF she treated the guys she’s talking to the way she treated me AND they were stuck in a marriage with her, they probably wouldn’t like her either.

I’d guess that those guys would be shocked to know that he isn’t the only Good Morning handsome and I want to suck your d texts that she sends out. She’s love bombing them too with the texts, gifts, and almost effortless pussy. I wonder if they are hip to it or if they are falling for it.

I actually saw a text exchange between her and one of women of one of the guys. In it she told the girl that she was still going to deal with him anyway so it was no point in complaining to her about it. This is the level of savagery I’m currently tied to. She’s a side chick, knows it and doesn’t give a fuck and still deals with other dudes on the side. None seem to have ‘fallen’ for her so far, but again, who’s going to turn down free pussy, a free room, free liquor, and a chick telling them how much she wants to have sex with them.

Knowing this about her, like I said, she is who she is. Why is she like this? Who the fuck knows, and it’s not really a question worth answering at this point because she doesn’t seem to care enough to want to change. She’s a demon and has been dragging my soul through hell because I was foolish enough to start a family with her.

But, understanding this, I realize that the reason I’m so upset isn’t because she’s like this. It’s because she’s like this and I’m MARRIED to her. I probably would have been upset had she changed in the middle of a relationship, but I could have easily just walked away. If she was a fling, side chick, friend with benefits/ situationship….. I could walk away once I found out how far in the streets she was. I’m not into sharing women so that side dude thing wouldn’t cut it with me. I’d just have wished her a good life and kept it moving.

Even if she was just my kid’s mother, I could deal with it because it ain’t on me what the hell she’s out there doing. Just make sure kiddo is safe. As of now though, it’s disrespectful because I’m placed in a cuckhold position against my will. It’s humiliating and an embarrasing. She can walk around in this degraded / low value position all she wants, but now, I’m attached to it. Some dude(s) actually get off more knowing that some guy’s wife is sucking him off. He gets more pleasure based on my pain and suffering. His ego is stroked at the cost of my self respect as a man. Ultimately, the desire to want to keep my family together and he gets more pleasure from it. It’s sick and disgusting. And to that end, she doesn’t give a fuck….and in fact it goes to further her agenda of providing maximum pleasure in her attempts to love bomb these guys.

What kills me most is that she claims to love our child, but yet doesn’t even consider how disrespectful it is to allow for his father to be humiliated like that. It doesn’t even bother her one bit to allow the one guy he looks up to the most, the one who loves and cares about him the most, the one who takes care of him, teaches, guides, and mentors him to be disrespected like that. All on behalf of her wicked twisted sense of pleasure. She has us all out here looking like some damned idiots. This is another reason why I’m gonna have to rip the band aid off. Though kiddo doesn’t know all of this, there are principles involved.

She’s for the streets for sure and I don’t have a problem with women like that per se. But when the cost of you not respecting yourself also brings shame and humiliation upon your family (more specifically, my family) that’s when I have to draw the line.

I need this divorce ASAP and it’s on me to get it knowing that she’s not going to help….AT ALL.

I think am going to stop typing and complaining on here and start doing something.

It has been a good outlet to vent, but I think i’ve said everything I needed to say about this issue.

It’s a hard to thing to accept that my stbxw is a whole ho out here.

Whenever I think the bar is low, she comes back and sets it even lower. What the fuck could possess a woman to be so damned, disgraceful? Like how doesn’t she find her actions reprehensible. Like how can one be aware of morals and values, act offended when they see others “doing wrong”, and yet not bat an eye or lose sleep over sinking so low herself. Does she not know that her value is lowered? Does she not feel bad about lying to people like that? How could she respect herself? I mean even if others don’t know ( i still haven’t told her that I know)….she does. Women generally don’t sleep with a bunch of guys like that unless there is something going on upstairs…. i don’t think.

Is this some sort of mental illness. Is she possessed? Is she on drugs? Early onset of some sort of degenerative brain disease? Did she fall and bump her head? Or maybe this is just another strange condition of the human psyche. What’s obvious is that she really doesn’t give a fuck. It’s easy to judge her, but I really don’t understand what the fuck in going on in her head. Like lady, you’re losing it. Like that thing that makes us decent human beings is lost. That light that she once had is replaced by darkness and she can’t even see it. Am I tripping? Is this just a case of a woman ‘claiming’ her sexuality?

How many women are out here like this, but like her, hides it. My cousin once told me that she is moving like a “dude”. He doesn’t know how right he is. She’s moving like a fuck boy. I don’t know who this woman is. I haven’t known her in a while. But it seems that as time progresses she’s moving further and further from the woman I once knew.

I don’t know what happened to her. I know that people change over time, but this seems drastic. I wonder if she’ll ever wake up some day and regret this time period in her life. Or will she continue to suppress it and continue on as if nothing even mattered. This can’t be normal. It seems unhealthy. She’s too damned old to be going through a ho phase. She’s losing her mind. It appears that she’s lost her soul. She is actually for the streets!!! She’s a demon inside of a human body. Lust has completely overtaken her it seems. Her morals and values….gone. The real things that once made her ‘worth it’ totally destroyed. It’s really sad to see her go out like that.

It would appear that she’s headed down a path of self destruction. Only time will tell though. If she ever does come back to the light, will she able to look at herself in the mirror without regret? Or perhaps she’s on the path of becoming (if not already become) a full fledged demon.

I need a divorce and some holy water ASAP.

I’m just trying to make sense of it all.

I went to pick up stbxw and kiddo from the airport late last night. She had him over spring break. Their flight was delayed so they didn’t arrive until around 1:30 am. When she told me that the flight was delayed, it sort of pissed me off because I had to go to work early. It made me realize how much she relies on me to do things for her and yet she still takes me for granted. In a sense, I was feeling used and unappreciated. I have mixed feelings on this but she had kiddo. But after what I discovered, I should have made her pay for an uber to drive them. Sure, it might have cost her a cool $100 or so, but since she had kiddo, I decided to make the trip all the way to the southside to pick them up.

When I got there, a text came in saying, ” I just landed with my son.” Warning bells went off as she refers to him by his name with family and friends. Obviously the text was meant for someone else. Pissed because I rode all the way the fuck that way just for her to be texting (in my mind) some dude. A few minutes later, she called to tell me she had arrived. I asked about it and she claimed that her phone sends “ghost texts sometimes.” I wasn’t going for it, but on the way home, she started showing the me phone and it was acting wonky. Even though I was driving, I did manage to look over and see it doing weird shit….typing out random numbers and letters, but she actively pressed the send button to my phone. I don’t think she saw me watch her press send. Her response, I just wanted to show u what it was doing…. hmmm….. ok. This is the insanity and dumb ass reasoning I’ve grown accustomed to.

Either way, “just landed with my son” isn’t random. Sooo…. i made it up in my mind that I wanted to check out the phone. I took a shower and hopped in the bed. She crawled in after me a few minutes later, but I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with her. Plus it was a good opportunity to check the phone since she left it in the living room. I had suspicions that something was up…..so I told asked point blank if she was texting another guy….and if she was out there fucking someone. Of course, the anwser was an adamant NO….and she acted insulted that I would ask her such a thing.

I know it shouldn’t be looking, but damn, she just got in town 45 minutes ago and I had already felt gaslit like 3 times already. So, when she went to sleep, I got in. I don’t think she knows that I know her passcode. But I checked it…. and it’s worse than I thought. She is getting AROUND. I saw texts to 4 guys that were very sexual in nature….in it she’s claiming how much she misses them. How much she wants to suck them off. Invitations to her air bnb’s and hotels (she’s a travel nurse)….. The kicker is that she’s also talking to her ex. When asked about me, she responds that she’s not happy, …. we grew apart…. i’m not ambitious (oh the irony, you’ll see why in a second)….yada yada yada. We’re not having sex……Along with inviting him out to meet her.

The texts from the other guys, it not only appears that she’s sexting them. She’s also Inviting them out to the air bnb and paying for food and liqour. They all were asking her to loan them some money. She complained that one didn’t pay her back. She got caught up in a scam with another. And she was just paying for the 3rd one’s food and liqour. In all 3 text threads, she’s texting… good morning handsome. I’m thinking about you. I want to suck your d….. Can’t wait to see you again….and so forth. I even saw a meme…. not sure if it was a shot at me where she was asking to suck some guy’s d and he responded with a meme of Jada Pinkett with a mouth full of hotdogs with the caption “keep my wife’s name out your mouth.” A lot of times when they text wyd, she responds with thinking about you or thinking about that dick. 2 of these guys have girlfriends, so she doesn’t mind being the side chick. They sent pictures of themselves…..they are not as handsome as me nor fly (not being cocky but it’s true. they look dusty as fuck!!!) and it appears, since they’re constantly asking her for money, that they’re broke. Looks wise, she’s definitely above their level. Seriously, these dudes are busted. I could admit if a guy looks better than me. Still doesn’t mean he’s better than me. Maybe she likes the fact they might look up to her because of that.

You can’t make this shit up. It writes itself with her.

Despite reading these texts….

I wasn’t angry or anything. I felt a weird sense of calm.

The worst part of it all for me is that she keeps sending these dudes pics of our son. A few of pics were ones that I sent to her of him at his concert a few weeks ago. That part pisses me off, like why the fuck is she sending pics of our kid to these dudes. It makes it even worse that I sent her some of them. I think that she is gaslighting them.

Ok, i kind of figured that she was talking to one dude. I knew that she was in the past when she first moved there, but 4 guys. She’s a little to gotdamned old to be going through a ho phase. Come to think of it, That Jada Pinkett meme is hilariously ironic.

Though I know that there is no chance in hell we’d ever fix our marriage…..there is absolutely no way in the hell I want to have sex with her. I feared that we might someday have sex…which might lead to the ‘hysterical bonding’ sex that a lot of couples go through after an affair…..but after seeing that she’s basically fucking the starting lineup of a basketball team….that’s definitely an easy pass. I like making love and all that….but it would literally be like making out with a prostitute. One of the dudes even was saying that’s what he wanted to eat her out. Like, bruh, IF YOU ONLY KNEW….but then again, some dudes really don’t be caring like that.

It’s embarrassing to know that she carries the title of my ‘wife’ though. Especially considering she’s for the streets for the streets. This has made me realize that she’s lost her gotdamned mind. Or was she always a ho like that. If my son wasn’t the splitting image of me, I’d be seriously considering a dna test at this point.

She slept on the bed last night, I’m considering burning it.

I took pictures of the texts with my phone for leverage…..maybe I can threaten to expose her to all of them….or maybe facebook….or some of her family and friends. But who knows, maybe some of them already know….. either way, I didn’t know she was getting around around like that. It’s even worse than I thought.

I realize now that I gotta divorce her ASAP. IDGAF if she hasn’t figured out her living situation yet. She’s gonna have to just give me primary custody until she figures it out. Unfortunately for him, Kiddo had a great time with her over the last week. Despite her offloading him at her cousin’s house a few times while she was allegedly “at work”. I’m at work now, but I’m seriously thinking about kicking her out this evening.

Damn man, if we didn’t have a kid….this would be a no brainer. But how can I explain to my 12 year old son that his mom is basically a thot pocket. He misses her and keeps talking about how much fun they had over the break. Regardless, either way, I sent her the paperwork for a non contested divorce and will print them out also. We are filling this out tonight. If I don’t kick her out, I’ll probably stop by the store on the way home and invest in some paper plates and utensils.

These hoes man….