Step by Step

So I had “the talk” with kiddo. Rather, it was a pre-talk. I pretty much told him that I was planning on divorcing STBXW…. i was able to explain that we both love him, but our views on marriage are different. that it’s not his fault and that I didn’t think that he thought that it is is fault, but the research says that I should assure kids that it isn’t.

“I don’t know what is going on in your kid’s mind, but just in case you think it might be your fault, just wanted to let you know that it isn’t at all.”

I told him that she says that she isn’t happy and that I don’t keep someone in a relationship where they aren’t. And that her view is that people who are married should be happy…. and while I understand that perspective, I disagree and beleive that working it out should be done first, but either way, if she’s unhappy, I don’t want to risk staying to together for the sake of it and end up hating each other. Plus, I don’t know how it would feel if I were her and if I didn’t want to work at it. i gave the analogy of being on a sports team, and even if your team sucks, It’s still your responsibility to do your best … at least until the season is over. … But I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression either. That I don’t know if I’m right about that principle when it comes to marriage, even though I think that I am, but it’s MY opinion….and she could probably do a better job than me at explaining her point of view.

I explained that we were planning on telling him when she came back the week after next, but i felt like I didn’t want to blindside him with the news. Plus, if we did it that way, it would be weirder and awkward. I told him that we love each other and him, but just not in a marriage kind of way…..That i’m not angry nor bitter about it…..and that we were afraid of hurting him.

He seemed to understand when I told him that he should never try and keep a woman who doesn’t love him as a man. And that though it sucks sometimes, you just gotta let people go and be happy. And finally I told him to feel free to ask any questions, now, or later or whenever. I told him not to feel any pressure if he didn’t have any questions right now, but as his mind processes what’s going on, that I would be there to answer them the best way that I can.

Finally I told him that people people and sometimes, we try to do our best, but do a pretty bad job at it sometimes. But it will work out in the end as it always does.

Ironically, when we finished talking a buddhism video came on where the moral of the story was…. sometimes when life seems to be falling apart, it’s really just falling into place. Perfect.

STBXW called this morning and we had a semi decent conversation about plans for him over the remainder of summer. No talk about getting back together. I didn’t tell her that we had the talk. I wasn’t as angry.

I suspect that like most women, there needs to be some sort of conflict in our dialog….but really, that’s only if i want to attract her. I’m at the point where I don’t care if she likes me or not or is attracted or not.

I do believe that in typical narc fashion, she wants me to be “on the hook” and feel like she can come back whenever she wants. Once she has that assurance, she’ll triangulate me with her other ‘supply’. No matter the case, I could never be assured that one of her ‘lovers’ or whomever else she was fucking/ had relationships with would never come back into the picture. I know that cheating isn’t below her and obviously not for them either.

I also know that I’m not going to ‘compete’ for her. She’s not even my type for real. I might consider it if I did see something in her or if I felt that our connection was real. If I’m honest with myself….it just isn’t. Trust and honesty were the only glue keeping us together. Her natural tendency to ‘keep things secret’, hide things, as well as lie, cheat, as well as not communicate due to her secrecy isn’t want I need in a wife. Let alone one who I don’t really vibe that well with.

We would have been better off as fwb or fuck buddies. We should have never gotten married. We should have just let our sexual attraction run it’s course and said farewell OR if she had gotten pregnant at that time, just coparent. No expectations of actually being together or anything of the sort.

I could be toxic for that, but that’s how I also happen to feel about my lover. She’s ‘in love’ with me….from sexual/chemical honeymoon phase aspect for now. But I don’t think that she would have what it takes to be a life partner with me. there are certain ‘understandings’ that might end up causing me to compromise too much and resulting in her completely losing respect for me. I can see a bit of selfishness in her that makes me a bit insecure about loving her loving her. She’s flippantly said to me too many times, that if she were my STBXW, she’d be doing the same thing (in a taking the advantage of the situation context). I don’t know if she has thought about what that looks like to me, but the way I see it, if it’s in her to do that to someone, I can’t trust her in the long run.

I love her in an appreciation for wine or art or tao kind of way. I love who and what she is. I can appreciate a beautiful flower in the field, but I can’t take it home with me kind of things. But I also know that she’s just not wifey type for me.

I’m walking the balance between love and attachment. I’m sure I’d be kind of bummed out should we end things, but I’m hoping not to be too torn up about it.

I don’t like that uncontrollable, I must be with you type of love. I am a romantic at heart. I love love. I’m learning not be a hopeless romantic. I like the sex and intimacy and friendship and ups and downs. I like to make her happy and to experience exciting as well as mundane everyday life with her. She’s intoxicating at times. But I already know that It is a drug, my brain on dopamine and oxytocin. I just don’t want the addiction. And there are just too many red flags and not enough of that….my type. We’re fine together in a light relationship, but overall, we’re like how me and stbxw were. In love, but there is no way in the hell we should be together together.

From her, I’ve learned I have to love STBXW in similar fashion. Appreciate her for who/what she is, but leave her out in the wild. You can stop and smell the flowers, but you can’t take them home. They don’t thrive like that and tbh, I ain’t exactly a gardener either.

I think this is wisdom. Maybe not for everybody, but for me. I gotta get over the fact that she injured my ego. It got too attached and this was bound to happen. I know that due to her proximity and that trauma bond (that’s hopefully healing in a healthy way) I must be careful not to get too close. Lest she does that Narc thing and ropes me back into my feelings and I’m hurt and disappointed all over again. She’d do that for sure and I can’t let her.

We’re not going to get buddy buddy. But that’s really not a problem. We never really were. This was purely a sexual relationship that just got out of hand. She liked me and I can’t blame her. I’m dope. Fairly handsome. I’m pretty intelligent. Pretty good sex. And I had a pretty good heart and better (albeit short sighted) intentions.

She was pretty to look at and that love bombing shit and idealization cycle had me from jump. I was a sucker for love. And of course, she took advantage. It’s what she does. She fucked me up pretty bad I can’t lie….lol. She thoroughly beat my ass in that love shit. But knowing what I know now, and accepting her for who she is /what she does hopefully can give me enough appreciation to not take it personally. Let her be over there with the bullshit but I’m not even worried about what she’s doing out there. And when I do cross her path, just say, yeah, I remember that one. Don’t jump in those sticky bushes trying to get her. You’re going to be there all day pulling thorns and spikes out of your ass.

I’m in a good space right now. Hopefully this ride is over soon.

What if

What if I were married to a beautiful soul. We had a family, a kid or two, a house, memories, and pretty much everything promised by the American dream. Then one day, I met some who’s attraction I couldn’t deny. It was mutual. A twin flame. Beautiful in every unconventional sense. Even more of a doll to look at. My physical, mental, and spiritual type. And as if fate dropped this temptation at my doorstep.

We’d talk, laugh, and conversation seemed effortless and infinite. She just got me in ways that my beautiful wife never did seemed to. It seemed that we knew each other from a past life. Our connection was supernatural. I thought about her, what we talked about, and what I wanted to tell her next. As I sat there, holding my wife on the couch while the kids were on the floor watching our favorite movie. Movie night at the Jones’s. A typical Saturday evening.

My phone buzzes, I reach over and check. It’s her, almost on queue. Texting about the very thing I was just thinking about. This connection was strong. It was deep. And right then I knew that this could be an issue. “Who was that” asks my wife.

We don’t lie to each other. I always loved her honesty.

What to say? I gotta say something now:

“Oh, just a friend.” damn, that sounds suspect.

“Oh” she says….”Everything cool?”

“Yeah”. followed by a short awkward silence.

She bought it. Or did she? I’m not really good at this lying thing. But i mean, it’s just a little white lie. I’ll figure it out later. Besides she trusts me and she’s not really the confrontational type.

Yeah that would be tough. The road to an affair probably starts off like this. One white lie, followed by lies by omission and so forth. The death of a solid relationship and trust by a thousand paper cuts. The comparisons, the built up resentments. Marriage ain’t easy, but fulfilling in it’s own way. Yet this is a new breath of fresh air. The temptation. I could imagine excitement. Confusion. The realization that you’re Falling in love with someone else. How after years of a good thing and never being tempted to suddenly having this new woman’s energy slip in as a trojan horse and break down my city walls. Guilty pleasures. Compromises.

Cognitive dissonance as I try to navigate the the blurred lines of right and wrong. I think this is what’s meant by “affair fog”.

It’s a slippery slope. And I’d imagine that it’s easy to slip, fall in love, bust your ass, and destroy the foundation of what you and your true soul mate labored so hard to build.

All from one white lie.

I hate cheaters. We become monsters. Trapped in our own web of deceit. We destroy those who love us. We become unrepentant love addicts. We lose our way, lose ourselves. Compromise our integrity and morals, ironically claiming to love….yet somehow uncaring that we manage to destroy those who love us most.

I hate this space. This energy. It feels disgusting.

TBH, i’m glad that I wasn’t the one who had to play this role. It would drive me fucking crazy.

I can empathize and I could see how it could happen to a relatively decent person.

In a way, maybe this is what happened to STBXW. But seriously, it’s like once they fall into that trap, they’re gone forever. I feel sorry for her in a way. But i see no way of giving her the light. It’s like she’s trapped in a desert of darkness. Her only source of illumination are the compromises she made. The fake promises and compromises that she made with herself on that slippery slope are as mirages now. And she desperately clings to them in hopes that she can find her way. She signed a deal with her own devils. Her hell is that she’s gets to roam in the a land of darkness forever chasing illusions.

I’ll pray for her. She had choices man and consequences result. And if she ever finds her way. She’ll have to pay dearly in her mind for them.

Perhaps it’s more merciful to let her wander out there. Could she handle the light after dwelling in darkness for so long. If she opened her eyes and could truly see the destruction and damage she caused. It would be like going through a second round of hell. One of mental anguish and pain this time. I really don’t know if she could handle it to be honest.

I could forgive, but I can’t take her back. As a final act of love. For me and for her, I must forgive with my heart. I hope she wakes up though. And may God be merciful to us both.

Bruh

Answered a phone call this morning from STBXW. I should have told her to text me instead. It is supposed to be good day.

She had the audacity to say “I feel that if we were to try to work things out, you wouldn’t be open to changing.” Wait….what? I never said anything about working on anything except figuring out custody for kiddo. She can’t be serious. This is the stuff I’m talking about. It was as if the entire 30 minute conversation we had the other day fell on deaf ears. Plus, “I wouldn’t be open to changing.”

Wow…. Ok, yeah, from outside looking in, I know that it sounds so rediculous that I’d even let that bother me. It’s just the nerve that’s all. Did she grow a pair of testicles or something? That’s pretty fucking ballsy to call someone after you blindsided, betrayed, humiliated, and so forth and tell them that “I feel like you aren’t open to changing if we were to try and work on things.”

Like who the fuck said anything about working on anything. Is this chick crazy? Forgiveness is one thing….I gotta do that for my sake and for the fact that we have to co-parent somehow. But getting back together is not even a factor in this. Even if she wanted me to consider it…. why the fuck would she start off with “You need to be open to changing.” As if the last 4 years didn’t just happen. W T F?

Bruh.

The hand on forehead emoji says it all.

Again, even though I understand she was ‘unhappy’ about certain aspects about the marriage…..

As i type this, I realize that I don’t need to explain this shit to myself. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

Some say that narcissists (And yeah, I’m going to use that term for now) are possessed by energies (spirits or demons) that know how to push your buttons in order to vex your spirit. I really don’t think stbxw is really smart enough on her own to do this. I don’t think she sits up at night thinking to herself … “how can I piss him off and confuse him”. Nah man. There is no way she could actually be this manipulative on purpose.

I mean what normal person in their right mind would actually say something so stupid….so obviously inconsiderate….and yet it somehow vexes me to the point where I have to come here and type out my feelings.

I’m healing and trying to get over this trauma bond. I’ve come so far and I can’t let her bring me back.

No contact back in FULL EFFECT.

Venting

I hate that broad man. I was just sitting her going over what I am going to say to kiddo and it’s really pissing me off that she could be such a fucking selfish cunt.

She swear she loves kiddo, but the idea of new dick and attention is enough for her to put him through this. If not that, then her fucking lust for money and material.

She is literally the cause of this specific pain in his life. I know that I need to have this talk…. and I need to do it maturely and in an emotionally controlled way. But still, I fucking hate her for doing this to him. And I have to witness it. Those fucking assholes who are fucking her won’t be here to witness the pain on our little guy’s face when this shit goes down. They won’t be there to see his heart break.

I never minded punishing him when he did something wrong. I am the disciplinarian of the house. A few groundings, yellings, a spanking here and there. I understand how much is pain necessary to drive home a point and get respect.

But this….this is cruelty. This bitch is breaking up our home. I don’t give a fuck how many other kids have gone through this. HE IS OURS. I’d damn near put up with her bullshit so that he doesn’t have to go through this, but as a man, I’d be violating what I know to be true. Plus I’d never want him to deal with a selfish bitch like this and would probably tell him as a man to send her back to the streets. No woman is worth this pain and humiliation.

And she wants me to cover for her lack of accountability in all of this. I”m implicated because of her selfish decisions. That evil witch can burn in hell.

Maybe it’s the protector instinct kicking in. You harm my kid, I WILL FUCK YOU UP….kind of thing. He’s a young man so I know there will be conflict and strife in his life and I want him to be able to handle it. I never coddled him. If he fell hard as a little kid, I’d tell him to get up and not make it like it was a big deal. If he got hurt a little, it was always “shake it off, let’s go.” He is tough.

He lost at some sport or something…..it was do better next time. Something bad happened to him….. That sucks….Life be like that sometimes…..but let’s keep it moving….. I push him when we’re sparring in boxing. I take him outside of his comfort zone sometimes. Of course I won’t let him drown. I’m just saying though, I’m not a coddling/helicopter parent.

But this though. This evil witch actually cares more about herself and some stupid gotdamn instagram likes and shit,new dick and attention, and whatever more than hurting his heart. You bitch you.

You gave up the “right” to unadulterated “happiness” for your own selfish needs when you had a child. I’m Not saying that she deserves misery. But until that child turns 18….you have to work for your happiness and it DOES MAKE YOU A TERRIBLE PERSON to put yourself first over them. Especially if it’s something that can hurt him that deeply. YOUR JOB you stupid bitch is to protect him as much as possible. WHAT DOES SHE DO instead. Put dick and her fucking “miserable” existence in the way. That stupid bitch ain’t miserable by any stretch due to abuse, financial woes, infidelity or anything of the sort. She’s miserable because she’s fucking jealous of people who she perceives is doing better than her.

GO out and put the work in. Stop blaming me for you not doing whatever the hell it is that you want to do. I never stood in the way. I always supported her. If she wanted me to do something….OPEN YOUR GOTDAMNED MOUTH and say something. I ain’t no fucking mind reader.

Now I have to experience….no WE have to experience this terrible bullshit because of HER ignorant, jealous, selfish, entitled ass. I hate this. But I gotta be strong and stay cool. This will probably be the hardest thing that I ever had to do…..

But as I would tell him. Life be that sometimes kiddo. Get up and let’s keep moving.

Progression or Relapse

So I broke no contact with STBXW in the name of hoping to get a better understanding of how we’re going talk to kiddo. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes or so. I ended up talking more about how she betrayed me and I blah blah blah. We ended up talking about our relationship. Maybe it was needed. I don’t know.

I was worried that she was going to get narcisstic supply from me. To be honest though, I don’t care. I was thinking that in addition to allowing me to heal through the process, no contact could be used to punish her in a way by denying her the satisfaction of getting that validation. The first part has still immensely helped. She did get her narc supply by getting me to open up emotionally. But I really don’t care.

It was a fair exchange. The conversation made me realize how incompatible we really are. I can’t really grow in an intellectual way with her. I still cut her off a lot. But this is because I already know what she’s going to say before she says it. It’s a frustrating exercise. I already know what conclusions she’s going to draw based on her argument. At one point, she complained that I’m not listening. I not only recapped what she said, I also concluded the part she hadn’t got to before I cut her off.

Her response: “Right”.

Me: I’m just saying, I see what you’re saying, but you’re not looking at the bigger picture.

Her: No, you’re just being petty about it.

We basically talked about accountability and she seems to think that accountability is simply acknowledging what she did wrong. I tried explaining that acknowledgment is only the first step. The second is taking full responsibility for the consequences with means accepting what goes along with it.

She doesn’t want to tell kiddo the why we’re splitting apart. I’m on the fence about telling him the WHY, but I wanted to tell her my thought process behind it. She didn’t want to hear it nor discuss possible solutions as to how we could explain it. Instead of hearing me out, she told me about how parents shouldn’t bad mouth each other.

I want to teach him my thoughts on marriage and she can present hers. And I would never discourage him from choosing not to be with her. We would make it fair. I’d never bad mouth her, but simply tell him that we disagree on our views on marriage. Not saying that I’m right (though I think that I am) or that she’s wrong (necessarily). But either way, we both love HIM. I’d never feel any way if he decided to be with her for a bit or vice versa. She wasn’t hearing that and this is where we fundamentally disagree.

I understand that it isn’t a child’s place to know everything. I wouldn’t give him the sordid details about the affair(s) she had. Though I cheated myself, she did acknowledge that she understood why. I’d be willing to talk about it, but I do feel that it’s TMI to try to explain that “Well mommy cheated and kept cheating…daddy felt bad and got low self esteem….he didn’t wnat to hurt you by divorcing and thought it would make him feel better if he did too….it did in certain ways and not in others….but he should have divorced her instead….and blah blah blah.”

But I do want him to understand what accountability looks like and hiding the truth isn’t what accountability is. Again, he doesn’t need to know about the affair….but truth is that she’s the one who decided that she doesn’t want to be in this marriage anymore. She thinks that if someone is unhappy in a marriage, they should split. I believe that they should try to work on their issues before deciding to split…. she didn’t want to work on things and I can’t keep her where she doesn’t want to be. just that simple. no need to mention an affair.

I’m just saying, if she wants to die on that hill, then she should own up to it. That’s accountability in my eyes. I’d never bad mouth her and always encourage him to have a good relationship with her….. we just see things differently. However, she fears that it would adversely affect their relationship. Maybe it would maybe it wouldn’t, but either way…she made the decision. (or should I say forced my hand to do so)….

Again, these are just ideas. I wanted to let her know how I felt and what I was thinking….Not necessarily what I am going to actually say.

She also talked about how we live in a toxic environment and said that I should take accountability for my role in that. That really pissed me off because I will not take responsibility for that. I told her that it’s on her because she blindsided me with her being unhappy and instead of communicating this, she chose to have affairs and keep cheating. This would cause a toxic environment anywhere. If I behaved in a toxic manner, it’s only because she made it that way. If she pushed me into the mud and I got muddy, she can’t blame me for being muddy. She didn’t address her issues with me and unilaterally decided to go this route.

She explained that her “unhappiness” and “resentment” stemmed from not being in life where she wanted to be. She says that she wants to be a “power” couple with multiple businesses and properties and traveling the world and stuff. Now, while I think that is sort of fantasy fairytale talk. She has OD’d off instagram. It’s not reality for MOST people. Plus, I’m not a worldly person like that anyway…. I’m not mad at people who live for that stuff….i’d take it if were given to me…. but I’m not motivated by that stuff though i do understand the importance of money and security.

It is apparently important to her, so I won’t tell her that I think it’s bullshit. Besides, I’m sure it’s possible if we both decided that was what we were going to do. We could have at least work towards it. My point was that she could have just told me that and I could have either decided that I wasn’t going to do it OR maybe I would have attempted it.

She knows that I’m not materialistic like that. But maybe I would have done it for her. But even if I didn’t, just because I don’t necessarily agree with that lifestyle, doesn’t mean I resent her for it. We could have amicably decided that it isn’t working. We could have dissolved the marriage, but maintained a friendship.

Truth is, she isn’t my type when it comes to that either. I really don’t need all of that to be happy. I prefer women who are deeper, less materialistic, and spiritual. I’d prefer if she could talk to me about the things that I find important. That I don’t really care to talk about the housewives of atlanta or whatever trending topic that comes along with that. I am not interested in keeping up with the Jones’s. If she is, “do you boo”. I’d never have held her back from that. Maybe we could have achieved it together. Or With or without me. Either way, despite her not being “who I would feel more compatible with”, I never held it against her. I certainly wouldn’t have used it as an excuse to betray her or destroy our family.

I wanted to get into if it were truly the case…then why the fuck is she dealing with men who make about as much money as me who also have several kids by different women. Her argument would make sense if she actually dealt with men where doing big things already.

I claimed that the real reason she wanted separation is because she wanted to deal with other men. I can accept that, but just be real about it. She swears that it has nothing to do with it. Really though, if it were the case, she didn’t have to deal with other men in her pursuit to “greatness”. Or she could have just divorced me first. She didn’t have to compromise her morals for that. Though she still insists that they have nothing to do with it. Yah, ok. She lies to herself imho. I’ve seen these stupid text conversations with these guys who pretty much do what I do. Work a 9 to 5 for someone else and who “plan on investing” or “buying some properties.” These guys are my age and if they were on it like that, they’d already be on it. Plus, they have several kids to feed. Just saying.

Finally, I talked to her about how fucked up betrayal was. Her response. People cheat all the time. It doesn’t make me a terrible person because I did it. Though I should have let her hang herself …again…. with that statement and not replied. I mentioned how pedofiles molest kids all the time. Murderers murder. Rapists rape…and so forth all the time. We’re judged on our actions, not about how we feel about ourselves. Her response. “Well, I didn’t cheat until we were married for 5 years.” “I never cheated before then” UGH. Am I crazy?

I told her how it’s fucked up that I am stuck with all this pain and hurt. Her: “Well I’m hurt too, do you think that I want to hurt MY son like that.”….. ME: “Well fuck me then, right”…. This was after she acknowledged that I was good to her as a friend and husband, even though she feels we aren’t compatible.

Overall, the conversation we had last night served as a reminder that she just isn’t a good woman for me. This chick is either stupid as she really believes the bullshit coming out of her mouth. Manipulative and just saying shit to get to me. Toxic (self evident … at least to me anyway)….. Or I just don’t get her (I don’t care to try to at this point anymore).

I’m no genius, saint, or guru. But talking to her is really really really frustrating. She just doens’t get it. It goes to show that being ‘educated’ and having common sense can be mutually exclusive things. She’s too got damned old to be talking like this. I really don’t think that she can or could ever see past ….whatever the fuck it is that’s blocking her vision.

I’ve concluded that I really should forgive her because she truly cannot know what she’s doing. Otherwise, she wouldn’t feel comfortable with saying stupid shit like that. It couldn’t be manipulation unless it’s some very high level….pretend I’m stupid to throw him off type of shit. Or I could be wrong and maybe it’s me. Regardless, thank God she has moved out and on. This explains why our communication just isn’t there. I wonder if this is why she usually resorts to let me to most of the talking. I’m thinking that she isn’t really keeping up. I will say that this usually isn’t an issue with most other people. I usually walk away from most other conversations with some level of understanding about that person’s point of view, whether or not I agree with everything they say. With her, I’m just as perplexed and confused because we never get to the bottom of it. It’s like she can’t see the contradictions in her statements no matter how much I try to point them out…..and when she tries to do the same for me, her analogies miss the mark, even when I explain “I see what you’re getting at, but….”…

I recall saying “You lack nuance when conversing with me” It’s hard talking to you sometimes. My patience had run out by then. Her: “What’s your problem then.” Me: trying to back track “Nah, it’s not really that, you’re a lateral thinker and I like to go deep….but we can’t get to the root of the issue because I have to unpack a lot of the shit you be saying because I don’t get it”.

My understanding of her is that she lacks emotional development and I don’t know if she can ever really change that. I don’t know if i could trust her with kiddo, at least until he gets a bit older. Unfortunately, I just can’t tell her shit and I suspect that her lover(s) aren’t going to tell her truth. Her family coddles her. Her friends….i dont’ what what they tell her behind closed doors. I’d imagine some stupid shit like, girl, you just gotta be happy. Which is probably why most of them are single, side chicks, and love to complain about it.

I somewhat pity her, but I don’t feel sorry for her. Perhaps her secrecy and narcisistic tactics are necessary to help her survive out here. She lacks self reflection and common sense. She is shallow and somewhat of a shell of a person. She is still a human being though. I guess We are all stupid in our own ways. She’s a special kind and I gotta have patience. Knowing this though. She’s not my responsibility. I can’t drown myself trying to save her. Fuck being on different pages, we’re in different books in different sections of the library.

Meanwhile, I can’t take it personally. She really just doesn’t know better. The shit she says must make sense to her. I guess I could see why if I were a shallow and materialistic person who didn’t know what accountability was. If I were selfish and didn’t self reflect and felt that I ‘deserved’ whatever the fuck I felt entitled to regardlessof if I put in the work or not…. then I guess she makes sense.

In reality, God probably looks at me the same way and is laughing at the crackhead admonishing the heroin addict. I have to forgive and let go of this anger as it’s just stupid for being angry with a monkey for doing monkey shit. In reality, I was mad at her because I projected my values on to her. I was angry because she didn’t reflect them back. I must take accountability because the truth is, I chose to marry her. So all of the fallout from this is on me. That said, I still have to figure out the best way to move forward when it comes to kiddo.

Time to let this anger go. She is truly incapable of understanding.

Easier Said Than Done

Forgiveness is going to be a hard process. I’m finding it hard to get over how stbxw did this to me and to us. It’s so hard to not take it personally. I mean how could she just be so oblivious to how fucked up she treated me. How could she seem so … normal on one hand as far as knowing right from wrong. And yet and still feel no guilt nor remorse over the way that she acted in this. I was thinking about what I was going to say when we had “the talk” with kiddo the other day and I just got so enraged at the fact that she did this. I want to tell him the truth so badly, and yet for the sake of his mental health, I don’t know if it’s a great idea. I have to cover for her yet again.

This is just another example of how it seems like I’m always bailing her out. And yet it’s like she didn’t recognize all of things that I did for her over the years. Again, she doesn’t have to be married to me forever. But besides being a pretty decent husband, I was a pretty good friend to her. Seriously, how could she just betray me like that for some dick. Plus, how low vibrational could some dude be to go in and take her on, knowing that she was out here destroying her family.

This is another reason I’m afraid of “falling in love” if it makes you act this irrationally. Then I want no parts of it.

I really dislike her for the way she did it. I’m not mad that she fell out of love nor the fact that she wants separation. I’m mad that she unilaterally decided to destroy our family, without giving me any heads up or warning. I’m mad that she seems to give 0 fucks about the way it might affect kiddo. I’m mad that she didn’t love us enough to even try to fix it. That she could actually sleep at night and not lose one ounce of sleep from destroying our family unit. That she didn’t even give me a chance to see if we could fix things, if not for me, for our family. As if we were just some disposable napkin or something to be discarded without any thoughts as to how it would affect the rest of our future. I’m mad at the fact that she won’t acknowledge it nor accept the fact that she didn’t do it for HER, she did for someone else. Some douchebag who literally got off on seeing her destroy her family unit. And while we suffer, she walks around now with some new douchebag who already has 3 kids already, without a single care in the world.

Reconciliation at this point is impossible. I have 0 respect for her. No desire for her. I briefly spoke to her on the phone last night and did a pretty great job of grey rocking her. I was cordial, stuck to the topic about kiddo and bills and didn’t engage in any small talk. She tried small talk, and I immediately shut that shit down with “I don’t want to talk about that.” I let her do most of the talking for a change. Small victory for me. I’ll take it.

I considered even spite fucking her one last time, but tbh, I wouldn’t stick my penis in her if we were the last two people on earth. Knowing what I know about her, she’s disgusting. I thought about just doing it one more time to get back at the new douchebag. He also knows we are married and have a family. But nah, fuck that. She’ll eventually cheat on him with some other zero. I’ll let the streets give him karma. Her goofy ass probably be out here having unprotected sex anyway. And given the way she ‘love bombs’ people, who knows what kind of stuff she’s out there doing. Fuck that. Plus, I’ll never give her the satisfaction of sexual pleasure from me again.

Knowing that it’s basically over, you’d think that I’d be over it. But no, I’m still so mad at her for the way she did it. We are not compatible at all and I regret marrying her in the first place. She’s about as deep as a kiddie pool. Shallow as a saucer of milk. Looking back, the sex was really not all that good. For real. I was flattered that I could make her come so fast and at the time, I was thinking that I was the man. I measured sexual performance based on how good I could fuck her, but didn’t really consider how much she gave back to me. It’s not a deal breaker as if she had a good heart, I wouldn’t complain too much. But now, oh hell no. Perhaps these other guys also feel “like the man” when they fuck her. They can have it. I’m good. She can fool them (probably not really even necessary for these desperate, low vibrational simps) but WE know what she did and WE know that she isn’t the first bit concerned about it.

So between the mediocre sex, constant betrayal, lies and deceit, lack of remorse, and lack of compatibility. I can really see no way back. I don’t think that there is anything she could say or do to get me to love her like that again. Even though I feel terrible for kiddo. I just can’t see myself back with her. I can’t find any redeeming qualities about her. She’s kind of cute, but even that’s going downhill pretty fast. Plus, IDC if she were an instagram 10, looks aren’t as important to me (as far as wifing someone) as it once was. I just can’t do (cuff) superficial chicks who lack morals or integrity. She may be able to hide what she did from other / new guys, given her track record of guys she chose after the affair, they probably don’t care anyway. They aren’t really much better off than me financially it seems. They certainly don’t look better than me and given how they know about her situation, I’m pretty sure they have low vibrational energy. Either that or they are just desperate for the attention and the love-bombing from a decent looking chick gets them hooked. I’m not saying that I’m playa playa either, but at this age, I do have higher standards as far as wanting to claim someone.

I’m talking ish. Maybe they do recognize her for what she is and how she belongs to the streets, so why shouldn’t they capitalize on this desperate chick trying to hook someone into her web of deceit? I mean free gifts and basically NSA desperate freaky sex. Maybe they do see her for what she is and are just taking advantage of the situation. The average guy doesn’t get that type of attention to fall into their lap too often, so why not have some fun. Why not string her along and milk it for as much as they can for as long as they can. Truth be told, they didn’t make her do anything.

Despite assisting her with destroying her home, she was going to eventually find someone who would. If not them, it would certainly be someone else. There isn’t anyting remotely r Funny, but her ex ap said something to that degree a while ago to me even though I think he did end up catching feelings. Thinking back, even if she had given him another child, she has a great job and could afford to take care of it on her own. Icing on the cake for him. Either way, it’s no longer my problem. I’ll let the streets figure that out.

I have my issues for sure and I’m working on them. But I am loyal, fair, and empathetic. I don’t mind holding up my end of the deal and I’m a fairly decent communicator. I have a mostly giving heart. Looking back, I did a lot of things right in the marriage, but now I see what I could have done better. If I decide to get married again, I beleive that I could be an ever better man and I’m sure that I still have more to learn. But I’d be willing to put in that work if she reciprocates.

That said, divorce is the order of the day. I don’t know why I keep putting it off. I don’t love her anymore. I’m just angry and that’s what’s keeping attached to the situation. Hopefully, making it official that we aren’t married can help with this. I feel that I’m closer than ever to being officially ‘over it’. I am. I think that I’ve finally snuffed out that last dying/yet persistent ember of hope. There is no way back.

Hopefully, once this divorce is done, i can start working on forgiving her. Perhaps the final piece in all of this is having the “talk” with kiddo. This is going to be the biggest hurdle and once over that, it should be all downhill as far as being able to finally forgive and letting it go.



Damaged goods?

    Just got off the phone with my lover and her friends.

    Apparently,  she’s in love with me.   Dunno why her friends feel the need to keep stressing that point.

      We all hung out over the weekend and all I could hear from them how much she loved me.

       Talk about pressure.    They really seem to like me for her as well.    Surprisingly despite them knowing about the stbxw.

       Still though.    Maybe I’m damaged.   I just can’t put my heart on the line.   I don’t want to.   I fear that out of control in love feeling of being in love like that.

    So while I do appreciate it….I just think that she’s in love.    But idk if she loves me beyond the superficial.  My fear is that…. my stbxw was in love as well for a while.    I gave my heart  completely over to her and so when she snapped out of it so to speak.    I was stuck (and in certain ways) still trying to let it go and get my heart back.

I am healing nicely and no contact is working wonders for that.   

But I never want to be put into a position of complete weakness again.

I don’t know if I’m “in love” with my lover.     But I’m perfectly okay with that.   I do love her in a real way.  I understand that i must treat her heart delicately right now….I just don’t trust that she really understands the difference between being “in love ” and love the way that I see it.

  She is such a woman when it comes to that.   A bit crazy, but her heart is good. I feel that I really could take advantage.

But I also felt that way about my stbxw in the beginning….the only difference being I went ahead and just gave her my heart….ignorantly not knowing the difference between actually loving and simply being in love.

Conversations around the subject with her friends show me that women are indeed fucking crazy…..or rather I’d say,  they seem to love that ish.   They want a man to be given over IF she reciprocates.

But the fleeting nature of being “In love” isn’t enough for me to just let it go again.    

I think it’s dangerous and real life decisions shouldn’t be predicated on those feelings.     Especially when you could potentially have kids and a family who could suffer in the future.

Women don’t want to h3wr that shit.   It’s like, they wanted a speech to declare my undying love for her.    Perhaps I could have given one IF I really gave myself over….or if I was just trying to impress them.

I don’t think they get where I come from when I told them that I love her in a real way.   But I am deathly afraid to becoming too emotionally attached.

I am already in unknown waters insofar as I really dont know how I’d feel if she decided to stop fucking with me.

I’d like to hope that I could bounce back fairly quickly.    At  least not be dry heaving and curled up in a fetal position like i was with stbxw.

It isn’t like Stbxw is just so amazing or anything.   I just gave her my heart.   I trusted her completely.  I thought that she truly loved me.   And it took me nearly 4 years of emotional abuse to finally get to a state of being able to finally breathe again.

I am either damaged goods or I’m just too fresh out of fucks to give.    As of now, I have NO clue as to why people still be trying to get married.   Lust just ain’t enough

Is this a key to forgiveness?

I was reading an article last night about people going through heartbreak and abandonment of marriage. The comments were chock full of people who either left or got left. This is a pretty common phenomena. A lot of us are out here wondering WTF happened? How could they do this to us? People leave spouses, break families, sleep with best friends and so forth. Unfortunately this happens a lot and it takes people years to recover….if ever.

I wonder if I had fallen out of love with STBXW and fell in love with say, her half sister or something (she’s gorgeous too btw)…. and let’s say we had an amazing chemistry….would I have been the douchebag who cheated behind STBXW’s back. (assuming Sister in Law was complicit). I have had fantasies of hooking up with her on a revenge tip if I’m honest, but she lives out of town. But if she ever moves over here….. Just joking? Just saying.

I could have easily fallen under the delusion that “all is fair in love and war”. Perhaps I would have justified that infidelity with all sorts of mental gymnastics, denial, and possibly cognitive dissonance. Perhaps i would have looked at it as “in the scheme of things of the entire universe”, this was just a blip. Maybe I just wouldn’t have cared about how much I hurt the stbxw. It’s easy for me to judge stbxw because I didn’t walk in her shoes.

Maybe I couldn’t fathom hurting her because I loved her….and I don’t know if I had much choice in the matter. I was still “in love” with her I think. I don’t know that was of my own doing anymore than I choose to beat my own heart. Perhaps this is why it was so hard for me to let her go. It wasn’t “me” doing it. I certainly would have loved to have the luxury of not having to go through this pain.

That type of “love” is blind….and “the heart wants what it wants”.

What if I had fallen out of love for the exact same reason i “fell in love with her”. Beyond my understanding.

Assuming that “falling in love” is a drug….and say in a moment of weakness, temptation or whatever, I hit that “crack pipe” perhaps I would have embarked on a downward spiral of hurting those I love, lying, gaslighting, cheating, destroying my family and everything else in order to get more of that drug. I mean, people can’t be that bad can they? Drugs and alcohol abuse change people. It alters our brain chemistry and turn us into monsters. Even though we (as humans) are responsible for the choices that we make…. when addicted to drugs, we do things and operate entirely differently. Take the saintliest saint in the world and get him addicted to heroin, who knows what the hell he’d do.

And if you take a smart person, he can logically twist all sorts of things using his cognitive biases and reasoning to justify damned near anything. We don’t live in a fallen world. It’s actually quite predictable if you have the knowledge. Really, it shouldn’t be a surprise that she is doing this. She fell into this trap. Many decent people in the early 80’s got hooked on crack because they didn’t know how addictive and terrible this drug was.

I stand by my assertion that “falling in love” is a form of madness. It’s a chemical addiction. We just don’t recognize it as such. Unfortunately, the highs that she experienced during her affair was well beyond anything she experienced with me. And once tasting the fruit….she can never come back. Perhaps the AP didn’t work out for her, but subconsciously, she knows that she can’t get those highs with me again. She’s out there chasing the dragon. And unless she hits rock bottom, she’ll continue to justify her “pursuit of happiness.”

Being that she’s not naturally a self reflective person….she’ll probably keep pursuing it. I wouldn’t say that she’s ruined, but she is not the same person that I married. She is who she is now. A damned love junkie. As I am in certain ways, but somehow, I ended up on the ‘morally high’ side of things. Unfortunately, I had to suffer horribly because of this. I guess somebody had to suffer and somebody had to be Judas in this story. Again, I don’t know why I loved her so much. I truly can’t say that it was a choice….because I wouldn’t have chosen to endure this much suffering over this. If I could snap my fingers right now and give 0 fucks. I would.

I have to let this go. She ruined our family unit. But again, she’s tuned in to a different frequency now. Her neurology has been radically altered. She’ll always be a junkie in the same way that former addicts describe themselves as current addicts even though they have been clean for a substantial amount of time. Their advantage is that they KNOW that they are always subsceptible to relapse. She’ll probably never get to that conclusion and for this reason. So despite missing what we had at the time, I have to accept that fact that she’s gone.

She is no longer that beautiful bride, pregnant with our son, who said “I do” to God, me, our family and friends in front of that alter all those years ago.

You see. My wife died a long time ago. And though she will always be my son’s mother….. that relationship will never change. Once she ate of the fruit, she wanted out of the garden and I have no choice but to kick her out. It changed our relationship.

Perhaps this is what the serpent meant by…”you won’t surely die” in the book of Genesis. They didn’t “die” in the sense that their physical bodies ceased to exist, but they did die in the sense that they were no longer…. on a fundamental level, their previous selves. Maybe she has transcended in a certain way. She’s no longer ignorant (to that type of high) and will always seek and crave it. And will do anything to get it. Her fundamental core principles have changed due to this… her heart has changed…..unfortunately for me, her heart is what I fell in love with.

So yeah, I’m also a junkie…. I was chasing that dragon. That heart that she once had. But It is an illusion. An apparition. A ghost. It’s gone, and I have to grieve it’s death as well as wean myself off of that drug. It hurts and I’m feeling the pains of withdrawal. I didn’t accept the fact that it was gone. But hopefully knowledge of this can help me do better in getting over this.

When I speak with her, I must remember that this isn’t my the woman that I married. She’s not my wife. My wife died a few years ago. This is a new woman. Unfamiliar, though she looks the similar. Perhaps I can be thankful that I did have her during the glory days of her youth and beauty. And we did conceive our child in the garden.

My wife died….and i have to learn to deal with this new woman. I need to divorce her as I don’t know who this new person is, but based on what I’ve seen, she wouldn’t be the type I’d marry anyway. As far as I’m concerned, she’s some rando who happens to be my child’s mother. A bittersweet accident, but we both are learning to co parent and be responsible for our child.

I can’t take what this new person does personally. I don’t know her like that and don’t really want to know her like that for real. She’s for the streets. She’s not any more terrible than anyone else in general, I don’t know my type exactly, but I do know she isn’t. That’s cool too. She’s just not for me.

Spinning my wheels

Man, I’m here searching for noncontested divorce papers so that the stbxw and I can start looking over it. I know that this has to happen. I just feel so bad. I wonder how she is just so aloof about losing our family. I wonder if she’ll ever regret it. Maybe I’m just worried for nothing. I fear for kiddo though. But stbxw just seems so unreasonable. She’s a liar and cheater. It’s just sad that people can get away with destroying homes. I know that any guy she deals with knowing our situation must be vibrating on a low frequency.

I know that people say that the other person in an affair isn’t to blame, but I disagree. They might not have pulled the trigger, but they loaded the gun and handed it to unfaithful spouse. They’re an accessory. Anyone willing to go in and assist with destroying a kid’s home has to a selfish m.f. in my opinion. I mean is sex really that important to them. It’s probably not even really all that good. Sex with selfish people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

The worst part is stbxw has to be there and witness the pain and disappointment on kiddo’s face when we tell him. How could she be so selfish as to really want this. I mean how unhappy is she really. How could you allow your ‘pursuit of happiness’ (read riding the cock carousel) to totally destroy and hurt your own child. It’s like, how can’t she see the importance of having a family? Why was it so unimportant to her to even try to work on it? Though I suppose that it’s becoming more and more normal these days, I really don’t understand how you place so little value on your own family.

The affair partner continues to live their lives as if nothing happened. Yet the devastation to left behind spouse and kid is immensely traumatic. Both cheater and affair parnter are extremely selfish and this idea has me seething. I can’t stand her for what she did not just to me, but to our kid. He doesn’t get to grow up in a single parent household. He has already missed so much in the way of family trips and vacations. And it’s like, she doesn’t even care. And didn’t lift a finger to try and fix it. Yet she still wants me to cover for her in this story. She won’t take accountability and me not telling him seems to enable her selfish behavior. So I am conflicted as to whether tell him or not because on the other hand, it might make him bitter towards her.

This act of betrayal and selfishness are deal breakers for me. I mean I couldn’t take her back anyway based on the lack of trust and her commitment to ‘privacy’. I’m all about privacy, but if you’re secretive and break the trust, you lose that priveledge for a while anyway. It’s not like I want to be a damned detective. But without trust, a marriage is impossible. We could work to improve upon any other issue…. communication, sex, money, time, intimacy, and so forth, but without trust…..We have nothing.

Even falling out of love isn’t an excuse for an affair. She once told me when we were still somewhat communicating that she did it because she was “unhappy”. Like bruh, that’s not a good excuse. I’m thinking that she has no clue as to how this marriage thing is supposed to work. It’s like she wanted it serve her, but she wasn’t willing to reciprocate and water her side of the garden.

I am a hypocrite as I myself have stepped out. I could place the blame and say that she pushed me out. I was starved for intimacy, sex, and honestly, my self esteem was at rock bottom. I thought that hooking up with someone else would help me get over the pain. Unfortunately, it didn’t and I no longer hold the high ground. Blaming her is also very similar to Adam in the garden when he blamed Eve for giving him the fruit. I should have just gotten divorced a long time ago. I will say though, that in the beginning of when things first fell apart during her first affair, I did actually print out the papers. She didn’t even look over them with me or talk about. Looking back, It’s like this whole marriage, I’ve had to carry it on my back without any help. I feared that it would hurt kiddo, but I should have just manned up and did it.

I’m not by nature a cheater though. But I am starting to suspect that in order to make a woman happy, you have to cheat on her sometimes. Why do ‘bad men’ and douchebags get most of the women. Why are all the decent men either not picked or cheated on? I don’t know, maybe it just seems that way to me. My cousin thinks I’m damaged emotionally when I tell him my theories. Maybe he is right. I’m not saying that I’m going to cheat on the next girl or even my lover. I’m just saying that I am really toying with the idea.