So I had “the talk” with kiddo. Rather, it was a pre-talk. I pretty much told him that I was planning on divorcing STBXW…. i was able to explain that we both love him, but our views on marriage are different. that it’s not his fault and that I didn’t think that he thought that it is is fault, but the research says that I should assure kids that it isn’t.
“I don’t know what is going on in your kid’s mind, but just in case you think it might be your fault, just wanted to let you know that it isn’t at all.”
I told him that she says that she isn’t happy and that I don’t keep someone in a relationship where they aren’t. And that her view is that people who are married should be happy…. and while I understand that perspective, I disagree and beleive that working it out should be done first, but either way, if she’s unhappy, I don’t want to risk staying to together for the sake of it and end up hating each other. Plus, I don’t know how it would feel if I were her and if I didn’t want to work at it. i gave the analogy of being on a sports team, and even if your team sucks, It’s still your responsibility to do your best … at least until the season is over. … But I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression either. That I don’t know if I’m right about that principle when it comes to marriage, even though I think that I am, but it’s MY opinion….and she could probably do a better job than me at explaining her point of view.
I explained that we were planning on telling him when she came back the week after next, but i felt like I didn’t want to blindside him with the news. Plus, if we did it that way, it would be weirder and awkward. I told him that we love each other and him, but just not in a marriage kind of way…..That i’m not angry nor bitter about it…..and that we were afraid of hurting him.
He seemed to understand when I told him that he should never try and keep a woman who doesn’t love him as a man. And that though it sucks sometimes, you just gotta let people go and be happy. And finally I told him to feel free to ask any questions, now, or later or whenever. I told him not to feel any pressure if he didn’t have any questions right now, but as his mind processes what’s going on, that I would be there to answer them the best way that I can.
Finally I told him that people people and sometimes, we try to do our best, but do a pretty bad job at it sometimes. But it will work out in the end as it always does.
Ironically, when we finished talking a buddhism video came on where the moral of the story was…. sometimes when life seems to be falling apart, it’s really just falling into place. Perfect.
STBXW called this morning and we had a semi decent conversation about plans for him over the remainder of summer. No talk about getting back together. I didn’t tell her that we had the talk. I wasn’t as angry.
I suspect that like most women, there needs to be some sort of conflict in our dialog….but really, that’s only if i want to attract her. I’m at the point where I don’t care if she likes me or not or is attracted or not.
I do believe that in typical narc fashion, she wants me to be “on the hook” and feel like she can come back whenever she wants. Once she has that assurance, she’ll triangulate me with her other ‘supply’. No matter the case, I could never be assured that one of her ‘lovers’ or whomever else she was fucking/ had relationships with would never come back into the picture. I know that cheating isn’t below her and obviously not for them either.
I also know that I’m not going to ‘compete’ for her. She’s not even my type for real. I might consider it if I did see something in her or if I felt that our connection was real. If I’m honest with myself….it just isn’t. Trust and honesty were the only glue keeping us together. Her natural tendency to ‘keep things secret’, hide things, as well as lie, cheat, as well as not communicate due to her secrecy isn’t want I need in a wife. Let alone one who I don’t really vibe that well with.
We would have been better off as fwb or fuck buddies. We should have never gotten married. We should have just let our sexual attraction run it’s course and said farewell OR if she had gotten pregnant at that time, just coparent. No expectations of actually being together or anything of the sort.
I could be toxic for that, but that’s how I also happen to feel about my lover. She’s ‘in love’ with me….from sexual/chemical honeymoon phase aspect for now. But I don’t think that she would have what it takes to be a life partner with me. there are certain ‘understandings’ that might end up causing me to compromise too much and resulting in her completely losing respect for me. I can see a bit of selfishness in her that makes me a bit insecure about loving her loving her. She’s flippantly said to me too many times, that if she were my STBXW, she’d be doing the same thing (in a taking the advantage of the situation context). I don’t know if she has thought about what that looks like to me, but the way I see it, if it’s in her to do that to someone, I can’t trust her in the long run.
I love her in an appreciation for wine or art or tao kind of way. I love who and what she is. I can appreciate a beautiful flower in the field, but I can’t take it home with me kind of things. But I also know that she’s just not wifey type for me.
I’m walking the balance between love and attachment. I’m sure I’d be kind of bummed out should we end things, but I’m hoping not to be too torn up about it.
I don’t like that uncontrollable, I must be with you type of love. I am a romantic at heart. I love love. I’m learning not be a hopeless romantic. I like the sex and intimacy and friendship and ups and downs. I like to make her happy and to experience exciting as well as mundane everyday life with her. She’s intoxicating at times. But I already know that It is a drug, my brain on dopamine and oxytocin. I just don’t want the addiction. And there are just too many red flags and not enough of that….my type. We’re fine together in a light relationship, but overall, we’re like how me and stbxw were. In love, but there is no way in the hell we should be together together.
From her, I’ve learned I have to love STBXW in similar fashion. Appreciate her for who/what she is, but leave her out in the wild. You can stop and smell the flowers, but you can’t take them home. They don’t thrive like that and tbh, I ain’t exactly a gardener either.
I think this is wisdom. Maybe not for everybody, but for me. I gotta get over the fact that she injured my ego. It got too attached and this was bound to happen. I know that due to her proximity and that trauma bond (that’s hopefully healing in a healthy way) I must be careful not to get too close. Lest she does that Narc thing and ropes me back into my feelings and I’m hurt and disappointed all over again. She’d do that for sure and I can’t let her.
We’re not going to get buddy buddy. But that’s really not a problem. We never really were. This was purely a sexual relationship that just got out of hand. She liked me and I can’t blame her. I’m dope. Fairly handsome. I’m pretty intelligent. Pretty good sex. And I had a pretty good heart and better (albeit short sighted) intentions.
She was pretty to look at and that love bombing shit and idealization cycle had me from jump. I was a sucker for love. And of course, she took advantage. It’s what she does. She fucked me up pretty bad I can’t lie….lol. She thoroughly beat my ass in that love shit. But knowing what I know now, and accepting her for who she is /what she does hopefully can give me enough appreciation to not take it personally. Let her be over there with the bullshit but I’m not even worried about what she’s doing out there. And when I do cross her path, just say, yeah, I remember that one. Don’t jump in those sticky bushes trying to get her. You’re going to be there all day pulling thorns and spikes out of your ass.
I’m in a good space right now. Hopefully this ride is over soon.