Completely Broken

    Lately, I’ve been trying to be ‘nicer’ to stbxw for the sake of kiddo.   I mean, we do have to co-parent and all.   But things between us are just terrible.   Even though I know that the marriage is basically over.   There is no coming back at this point.  

I’ve come to the realization that we just can’t be friends.   I just don’t trust her one bit.     Her dedication to ‘secrecy’ is such that I can’t  have a simple conversation with her without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.

     We can only talk superficially.   I can’t really ask nor talk to her about her day or what’s going on in her life because I simply don’t trust her to tell me the truth about damn near anything.   I can’t question or ask for clarification because it feels like I’m interrogating her.   The vibe is just off. 

      If she says something that doesn’t ‘add up’ or either I’m just not really understanding what she means by something, I can’t ask any questions.   It’s pretty bad because I don’t have this problem with anyone else.    Our vibe is that of mistrust due to her sworn dedication to secrecy, being on bullshit, and overall obfuscation of the truth in order to protect herself.  

     It’s not a pleasant experience in and of itself.   For example, we talked last night and while we were on the phone, she was looking for a series on netflix we used to watch.   She finally found it and seemed super excited when she finally found it.    When I talked to her today and asked what she thought about it, she said, she didnt’ watch it, but ended up watching something else instead.   

      I asked ‘why’, but suddenly the vibe shifted and she seemed more defensive.   She never stated why she didn’t watch it.   Not a big deal, but of course, in my mind, it’s a really odd thing to spend half of the conversation last night talking about how she was so eager to find it, to be excited about watching it, and then later to say, she ended up watching something else.    Then when asked why she didn’t watch it, she becomes defensive…..  

    Given her history, I assume someone came over and either didn’t want to see it or did something else if u know what i mean.    Her lack of a simple answer to a pretty innocent question leads me to this conclusion.   

     The thing is…. I think that she thinks I’m stupid or something….and obviously confronting her with these facts won’t yield anyting positive.   For this reason, we can’t be friends.   It’s not about the movie.   It’s politics I guess.   Bottome line is:    I don’t like her.  I don’t want to be her friend.   And to be honest, even if she were just a female I was dealing with as a potential fwb situation, I don’t think I’d deal with her on a serious tip.    Honesty (good, bad, or ugly) is important as far as who I’d choose to give my emotional energy to.

      So that being said….I’m still too emotionally caught up and there is still too much water under the bridge.  

     I really hate how she gets to ‘live her best life’ while I’m stuck with the responsibility of kiddo.  Don’t get me wrong.   Even though, it’s a very fulfilling and demanding responsibility, I wouldn’t give it up for the world.  

      Honestly, I don’t care how she sees me though.   Her selfishness in this all turns me completely the fuck off.   I wonder if the guy(s)? she fucks with can see this seflish streak in her.    Do they see her as a someone worth committing to?   They don’t have the history that we do, yet I can’t help but wonder if they see her as naive, selfish or stupid. 

    Or maybe she isn’t as closed off to them.   Either way, I’d caution any man not to fall for her.    Smash…even tho I hate the fact they would…. but don’t give her his heart.    But every man has a choice to make.    Perhaps she is better for someone else.   For me though, hell no.    I married her, but she changed.   She wasn’t always as selfish and self centered I dont’ think.   But then again, I was so smitten at the time, I may have missed red flags.   

      We need to get divorced.   It’s disgusting to be married to a woman like this.   It’s emasculating and embarrasing.   Perhaps I need to move me and kiddo to a cheaper spot so that I don’t have to ask her for any financial assistance.  I could afford it here by myself….even with him if I could get a reliable babysitter while I worked part time as well.

      Whover purposely chooses single parenthood is a gotdamned fool tho.  This is not easy.   Yet, again, I say all that to say that my love for kiddo makes all of this struggle worth it.

      I just hate what I’ve become dealing with her.   I am burned the fuck out. Between working 10 hours a day and then trying to drive ride share on the weekend in addition to all of the household responsibilities….I don’t have much time for myself. And if I do take time, it’s like I pay for it later.

Yet, I made this mess by not properly vetting her out. So I am the one who has to dig myself out of this hole.

They say to be careful who you marry. This is so obvious. It’s not that I don’t like stbxw because she doesn’t want to be with me. It’s really more because she’s so gotdamned selfish and I’m stuck with having to deal with her. If she had remained a baby mama, then perhaps I could have structured my life in a better way. But that’s the past. I gotta deal with right now. I did what I thought was right and got smacked in the face hard for it. Shit happens I guess, but just like i tell kiddo if he gets caught while boxing….”That happened, don’t get fixated by it.”

I will win this fight.