Puppy Kicker

So the wife has been much more open to talking and making plans for the future.   She has expressed that she wants things to work out with us.

I still don’t trust her.  My cousin summed up my trepidation by saying that it seems that she expects me to simply forgive her and that she didn’t even really show that she was sorry.   His words specifically, was that she didn’t even grovel and beg for forgiveness.

Yup,  as petty as it sounds, I think that is most of the issue.   She hasn’t shown me that she was really sorry.   I know people express things their regret differently, but the way she expressed it to me is no different from a person who isn’t sorry would.

I wanted her to voluntarily grant me access to her phone, send me articles or videos about how to heal and forgive, maybe get a counselor, or marriage counselor.    How about sex on demand for a  few months.   How about some head without asking.   Maybe writing a thoughtful letter or email…. something

As of now, all I get is the occasional, are u ok?   She wants things just to go back to normal.    But meanwhile, i did catch a glimpse of her phone one day and she’s still entertaining some guy.   When i called her out on it, she has the nerve to say….”oh that’s nothing.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe… for now anyway, just ride it out.   I mean even if I were single, I’d still have a LOT of responsibility in caring for our son.  meaning no time for a relationship anyway.   I’m not trying to fall in love with anyone.    At least i’d get to have my son under my same roof.

I don’t really love her anymore.  I read a verse in the book of ecclesasticus saying that if you don’t love your wife, don’t trust her.    I guess it implies that sometimes you are married to people you don’t love.    I don’t really trust her.  I know that I can’t.   But I wonder when the next dude comes along, how will I handle it.    I mean, I do know what i’m dealing with now, but at the same time, just as with the current guy, I can’t help but feel a little upset about it anyway.

She called me out the other day for not wearing my ring anymore.   I haven’t put it back on since the affair.   I tried once during her affair when i first thought it was over only to find out she was still seeing the asshole.   This was before the actual betrayal.

I personally think that she’s a psychopath.   She lacks empathy.    She’s codependent.   She’s sneaky and has no qualms about lying or cheating…..as long as she’s the one doing it.    There isn’t much depth to her emotionally and I really wonder if she actually thinks about anything.   I admire the fact that she definitely doesn’t overthink things and can shut her brain off.   But   I could see how it would be fairly easy for a manipulative person to take advantage of her.    Knowing what I know now, it’s not really hard to imagine that a person could get her to betray her family.

She might be a fun girl to have a good time with.   She’s not bad looking, but definitely not  wifey material.   At least to me anyway.   A wife for me, has to be trustworthy and loyal at least.   She should be empathetic….smart.

Beauty is wasted on a bad woman.  It’s like a streak dinner served on a garbage can lid.  Fortunately for her, a lot men don’t realize this and will do/say whatever to get sex and validation.   Thirst is the way of the world  it seems.

At this point, I’d be willing to take a bowl of chicken soup in a clean bowl over filet mignon served on a dirty plate.

A lot of guys say they don’t want a woman who is emotional.   I need a woman who can express her emotions and at be empathetic enough to understand that cheating breaks the person you’re with down.

Some people don’t kick puppies because they feel empathy for it.   Some people don’t because society frowns upon it.    If society thought it were ok, you’d a a lot more people out here playing kick puppy.    I desire someone in the former camp…..who wouldn’t do it, even if society thought it were ok.    (not saying she wants to kick a puppy, just an example of how she is ok with justifying bad things she feels she can get away with)

What I won’t do is go in on a mortgage with her.   If she wants me to stay, then fine, I’ll help with the bills.  But if things get too disrespectful, i just can’t take it anymore…..or if i do meet someone who does really love me like that (and the feeling is mutual), I need to have the financial freedom to bail to my own place with the minimal about of financial backlash.

It does eat at me to have to stay in this farce of a marriage though.  We play a good act.  I’m still convinced that he has no clue as to how serious things are.   Not a day goes by where I don’t regret falling for her and getting caught up in this situation with her.   But i guess that’s just life.

I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not doing this for her.  I”m doing it for our son.   Many people say that you shouldn’t stay married for the sake of the kids, but I wonder how many people do.  What secrets lie beneath that seemingly good 30 year marriage.   It’s not like our marriage is toxic on the surface.   Hopefully, I’m not subconsciously imparting negative behaviors into him.   Personally, I’ll tell him to never get married when he gets older.   Or rather at least try and vet the girl to the best of my ability.

Somebody pass the Henny.

 

 

 

 

Falling in love while married

It’s been said that love is one of the most powerful drugs known to man.    Many of us have been there.   Brighter days, exuberance, passion, spikes of creativity, and wanting to put our best foot forward.    The sex is nothing less than AMAZING.   We feel happy.   Fulfilled even.   The object of our affection is LOVE personified.   It’s like heaven on earth.  We’re more confident than usual.  Family, friends, and acquaintances may even say that we are ‘glowing’.

Beneath the surface, our brains are flooded with drugs such as oxytocin, dopamine, and vasopressin.   At the time, it feels that this love will last forever.  We couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.   We’ve found our ‘person’ and during this period which can commonly  last up to 3 years, we may get engaged/married, move in together,  have kids, and begin our lives together.

It’s a constant high.   The honeymoon phase of relationships bring out the best in us.   Unfortunately, it doesn’t last forever and as with all drugs, we eventually plateau off and begin to descend into a state of normalcy.   A new norm if you will.

Usually, the descent into normalcy isn’t abrupt.  We gradually sink into it.   That’s when we begin to notice things that annoy us about our partner.   While time and experiences have bonded us, we aren’t as “in love” with them.  The love is still there, just not as intense.  The new norm takes about 3 to 4 years after the honeymoon phase to reach a baseline and this is what many refer to as the 7  year itch.

As our partners grow familiar to us, we settle into a certain lifestyle and patterns.   We may take them for granted.   We put on a few pounds.   We become a little more selfish.  We begin to seek a sense of identity separate from our significant other/ family.   The sex starts to fall off a bit.  Instead of going at it like rabbits several times a day, we settle for once or twice a week.  The energy that carried us during the honeymoon phase diminishes ironically around the time our responsibilities increase due to kids, bills, and family life.

We know everything about that person.   Familiarity begins to breed contempt.   The relationship starts to feel more like an obligation than a vacation.   This is the time where marriage starts to take work.   Habits and rituals such as date night become very important.    A good sense of humor here can go a long ways.  It’s not easy, but this is where true love actually lives.

True love is a choice, where as being in love isn’t.   True love isn’t easy, being in love is.   True love almost always require sacrifice.   The sacrifices made for the sake of being in love doesn’t feel sacrificial.  If you’re reading this while in the throes of being in love, it may feel that this day will never come…and that’s natural.  Your love cycle isn’t really different (no matter how it seems at the time).    That day will come.    The best you can do at this time is prepare for the day by implementing positive habits and rituals now.

Unfortunately, most people don’t and when the time eventually rolls around, many people end up contentious and divorced.

One of the biggest mistakes people make during that time is taking on a lover or possibly falling in love with someone outside of the relationship.    If being in love while single is like cocaine, falling in love with someone else while married is like crack.  It is extremely sinister and is the cause of many broken homes.

Despite the intensity of having that “in love” feeling being gone, a solid spouse does fulfill many needs that we might take for granted over time.   They aren’t perfect, but due to it always being there, we often overlook or even minimize the contributions they make to our lives.   A new person may fulfill the desire for novelty in the bedroom or otherwise, but foolishly we can overlook what else they can bring to the table.

In their lustful desire for the new person, we can forget the importance of the family unit.   We magnify our spouses problems to justify being with this new person.   Just as we once did with our spouse, we are blind to this new person’s problems or issues (or either they seem cute or quirky).   The sex feels amazing.   The secrecy and novelty makes it seem even better.   We don’t feel as judged by that person ( knowing that we have a ‘safety net’ at home) so we feel more free to let our hair down so to speak.    We lust them more than our spouse.    We even bond over that fact that we’re doing something wrong together.   It feels so wrong, but good at the same time and those opposing dynamics spike an already intense honeymoon phase.

Normally, neither we, nor our lover can explain the intensity of our chemistry.  Those spikes of intensity can make us forget about the honeymoon phase we once had with our spouse.    They may be even more intense due to the situation.    Ignorant of the why, we’ll often chalk it up to finally finding our true soulmate.

We begin to justify our transgressions by exaggerating our spouses problems and downplaying their contributions.    Our brains may even rewrite history.    If our spouse begins to notice lies or subterfuge, they may begin to question us.   This causes even more issues and problems in the primary relationships.   Despite us being the cause of the problems, we’ll simply tell our lover that the marriage is having issues.   We begin to neglect our spouse, lie to them, and even gaslight them.   During this time of duress (probably brought on by us and our actions), they may begin to lash out at us.   Even more justification to continue seeing the lover.

This can happen to the most upright person if they allow themselves to fall in love while married.   While falling in love while single brings out the best in us, falling in love while married brings out the worst.   In order to continue to feel that feeling, we lie, gaslight, blame shift and effectively abuse a person we vowed to love forever.   We lie to ourselves and do things to others that we wouldn’t want done to us.

We somehow forget that we are effectively hurting our spouses and children by destroying their family unit.  It is no longer important enough for us to work at….even though we might “go through the motions” to justify why the marriage couldn’t be saved.  Many times while still seeing/communicating with our lovers.   We become extremely irrational and blind to the emotional abuse we’re causing our spouse.

The was a reason that many ancient civilizations punished marriage infidelity through shaming or even death.

The intensity of honeymoon phase love is truly a drug.   Even when exposed, many spouses still secretly try to see their lover.   If no contact with the lover can be enforced, many of the cheating spouses feel lethargic or depressed.   There have been many accounts where cheating spouses feel that they are addicted to their lovers and simply can’t let go despite knowing the damage they’re causing.    This is due to the chemical cocktail still in their brain.   Quitting during this phase is very much like the withdrawal process when trying to get off of an addictive drug.

This is not to say that the new relationship would have flourished though.   Many reports show that relationships that begin from infidelity often fizzle out and the fallout is much worse than a regular breakup due to the cheater finally realizing the cost of their actions (destroyed families, damaged children, abusive behavior,  etc) once it’s all said and done.

While there are exceptions to the rule, it rarely turns out that someone isn’t negatively affected by all this and it usually takes the form of psychological issues with the children.    It can take the jilted spouse years to get over this and depending on how old they were when it happens, many may never recover fully.

With divorce and infidelity on the rise, this is becoming a new norm.   Broken homes, child support, and spousal support are becoming common terms in today’s society.   Movies and television normalize this even further.   Many people are taking cues from the lives of dysfunctional celebrities and feel that it’s no so bad.

If you find yourself falling in love with someone while married and with kids, you should really consider what you’re doing to yourself.   You’re truly walking a very thin line and it will very likely result in extreme pain for your spouse and children.   This new person is NOT special.  Your love is NOT special.   It will likely end badly for everyone involved.   Nearly everyone thinks that it will work out in the end, but it rarely does.    In fact reports show that relationships that begin in this manner have a higher failure rate than average.    This is due in part to the fact that cheaters as by evidenced with their infidelity have poor boundaries and poor coping skills.   As it is often said, “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.”

Despite feeling like it, you are not thinking clearly.   .   GetYou are a drug addict who justifies harmful or wrong actions in order to feel good help.   All relationships have issues.   These actions are causing you to become an effective psychopath who is unable to empathize with those you harm.   

It’s been said that the actions taking during war changes people.   These actions are changing you into a person who can hurt people in order to get your way.   The abuse of your spouse and death and destruction of your family unit at your hands is something that will either haunt you forever or allow you to be able to do it again.

On the flip side, if they can do it to someone as important as their family, they will also have the capability of doing it to you once the honeymoon phase subsides.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same ish new day

The problem with cheaters and liars is that they don’t always lie to you.   In fact, I’d say that they probably speak mostly the truth about most things unless they are pathological.  But for the most part, they speak the truth except in cases where it really matters.

Being on the fence this long has gotten me to realize that I don’t really want things to work out with my wife anymore.   I’ve heard enough lies that I really can’t trust her.  I’ve watched enough videos online to know that cheaters will continue to lie, even though they promise you the truth.   And even in the face of evidence, they will justify, rationalize or outright deny unless you catch them in the act.   Even then, from what I’ve seen over and over it’s “wait….it’s not what it looks like.”

My lover is pulling away and I don’t know if it’s because she’s going through something, simply wants to distance herself, or has potentially found someone else.  I’m ok with it.  At least rationally as I really can’t see how our differences could keep us together for long.  There has to be much more to a relationship than great sex.   I’m hoping that my emotions won’t get the best of me.   We’ll see how it works out, but for now, I’ll fall back and let her reach out if she feels like it.

My therapist  says that kids tend to bounce back as long as the parents aren’t bitter.  I’m hoping that he’s right.   He asked if i had thought about what life would be like if we divorced.   I hadn’t, I just get to the point in my mind where i see the awful conversation and think about other things.   But now, I’m thinking, I’m going to have to rip the band-aid off as this thing could become a festering wound if i don’t take action.

The truth is that me and her are not good for each other.   While I hate to be just another divorce statistic, I really can’t trust her in fidelity.  This causes me to pull away from her.  I’m not in love with her, and this isn’t about happiness….it’s about being in a situation that’s beneficial for both of us.   She can’t be happy, even though from my eyes, she keeps shooting herself in the foot through the lies.

She’s really just like most of the women out here that men be complaining about.

She’s emotionally vapid and i’m too empathic.   This is a toxic combination where I end up worse off.    My pride and ego is obviously greater than my love for her and possibly the love i have for our family unit.

So at this point all talk of buying a house after this leasing term is up is out of the picture and I need to start figuring out where I’m going to stay.   Logistics on custody and after school care and finally how to actually get the divorce.

This does require that I face certain truths head on.  If I tell her my plan now, I have to accept the fact that she may double down on dealing with whomever it is that she’s entertaining now.   I have to accept the idea that she may and likely will begin to start lining up / more aggressively begin the campaign of getting with him.   Strangely enough, while I don’t really want her like that, i don’t want to be living with her while she dates another man.

He probably doesn’t care.  I’ve come to the conclusion that most men put thirst before honor.   A large number of men are simps and never consider that if she’ll cheat with you, she’ll probably cheat on you….or, they simply say that these women are for the streets and tell her whatever she wants to hear in order to get into her panties.   Not sure where he lies on that spectrum, but I suppose it really has nothing to do with me at this point.

Eventually though, I will move on and perhaps this short term disgrace will turn itself around when I finally regain my independence.