Heavy Pants

It’s hard to remain positive towards STBXW. I don’t know what I ever really saw in her as a person. Just got off the phone with her and she’s supposed to be coming back this weekend to drop kiddo off. She still sort of throws my vibe off. I’m trying not to hate her, but it’s women like her who … ok people like her who ruin people for the next person. IT’s sad that they get to just live life oblivious to the destruction and pain they cause others. I’ve already come to the realization that karma may not exist and that she may never truly understand how deep she cut me. Our conversations these days are awkward at best, but usually cringy. She likes to try to make jokes and laugh, but I’m the serious one. I just can’t with her. I’m stuck in the frame of being the uptight prick while she seems to be in lala land without a care in the world. I hate that I hate this chick. Perhaps it’s my ego.

Perhaps it’s the fear that maybe she was right. Maybe I did deserve all of this somehow.

Still though, losing my family without so much as warning is a lot for a man to bear. Having to deal with her is sort of like picking at a wound and unfortunately, it seems that I’m going to have to carry this injury around for a while. It doesn’t hurt as much and the frequency is ever decreasing. But it still does pop up from time to time and I am reminded of how badly I fucked up when I decided to make her a part of my life. She hasn’t signed the papers yet. I have no clue what the hold up is. She claims that she doesn’t have time to do it. I told her it’s not fair to keep me in limbo like this. As usual, the acknowledged that I”mn right…..but still didn’t do a damned thing about it.

I have to watch my prayers as I’ve asked the most high to avenge me. I believe HE knows what’s best though. That is, if he’s even listening. Maybe I deserve this. I just need to get out of this slump. I’m not exactly lonely per se. There are things that I could and should be doing.

I gotta stay off of social media. Though I am truly happy for my friends and family who were able to maintain their marriages (I know it ain’t always easy….beleive me)…. but somehow, they manage to survive. I truly congratulate them and hope for the best for them. I am saddened by the loss of mine and it serves as a reminder as to why I’m not really on facebook anymore.

I just don’t understand how stbxw can be on social media….see her friends and family who still managed to maintain their families…and not feel a single bit of regret for destroying ours. I can’t feel sorry for her or people like her. I just don’t understand how people can recognize the evil in others (and even be offended by it) and yet manage to royally fuck something so basic up with no regrets.

Family is the staple of our community. It’s the very least we can do to give back to the community. It’s our duty and our responsibility. And yet this doesn’t seem to bother her one bit. My heart is metaphorically hurting right now. My family is gone. That witch destroyed it and it seems as if she simply doesn’t care.

I write here because I cannot share these feelings with anyone. It’s too heavy. I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. Plus as a man this is my burden to bear. But shit, these strong shoulders feel a bit weary right now. I’m strong though. Gotta keep pushing.

“working on the weekend as usual”

Evil People

I was looking over some old photos last night saved in the cloud and came across some of the old screenshots I took of stbxw and her affair partner. I haven’t looked at them in a few years, but upon reflection, it killed ANY and ALL thoughts of any sort of possible reconciliation. I didn’t realize how much leverage I had at the time with those. I should have threatened to post them to social media or something if she didn’t move out.

This guy (her AP) was truly a sick individual. He was literally instructing her to wait until I got home to put me on speaker so that he can hear me talk to her. In a few messages, he said, wait until your husband gets home, tease him, frustrate him, make him upset. Then proceeded to tell her that he was jacking off as she fucked with me mentally. She did it. He instructed her to gaslight me….and she gladly did it. This guy was a real piece of shit. He was literally using my pain as a means to get off. And she willingly complied.

She did that to me. Her husband. Her so called best friend. Her son’s father. After all I did for her and kiddo. Her family. And as if she were under some sort of spell, she forgot who I was to her and how I had always been there. The sad thing is that she never showed any remorse for any of this shit. In some of the texts, she even complained about she felt as if I might be right…..he simply ignored it those and continued to instruct her to do these things…. I had some idea that something was going on, but I had no clue to the entire scope of her betrayal.

Yet, I’m supposed to forgive her. Perhaps I shouldn’t have looked back at them, but then again, as of late, I found myself becoming more and more open to possibly patching things up if she showed signs of remorse. NOPE the fuck out of that. Her soul must be dead. Really.

I mean I am the type of person who tries to look for the good in people. I mean I know no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. But to betray someone on that level is a sign of grave depravity. Demonic even. I could never trust her. Her conscious is completely off. There are always two or more sides to every story, but I cannot find any reasonable explanation or justification as to how in any way shape, form, or fashion she could be so fucking wicked to me like that. Again, I had and still have never done anything (even with my own infidelity in response to her after the fact) to deserve that.

My lover has been acting a bit differently as of late. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Even though I’ve repeatedly told her that if she wants to start seeing someone else, to let me know and jsut be honest…..I’m not sure if I can even trust her with those minimal requirements. I’m at the point to where any promises I’ve made to her as far as seeing others may be null and void. Love and relationships are a contact sport and yet there is no honor in them. Perhaps the saying is true…. ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.

I don’t want to get my hands any dirtier than they already are. STBXW hasn’t signed the papers yet. I need out of this marriage ASAP. Not even for my lover’s sake, but because I am tired of this dirty game. I can’t say that I’m innocent as I’ve already done things that I just naturally don’t do in response to those around me. How low am I sinking? I’m just tired of playing this game.

I used to be worried that STBXW would find a relationship and ‘happiness’ with someone before I did. Now, considering what she did, I don’t care if someone takes her on. In a way, her lack of remorse for the way she betrayed me and destroyed our family makes me realize that whoever decides to ‘wife’ her isn’t getting much in the way of a good woman. Not even a decent woman. I’m sure the love-bombing phase will be great if she can fool someone. And even if the new person works out in the long run. I KNOW what she did to ME. So even if she never feels guilty or that it was somehow ‘worth it’…. She has to live the rest of her life knowing what she did willfully. No remorse lets me know that she could NEVER be a good woman….she literally lacks the light. But even if she somehow becomes remorseful (assuming there is any light left in her), her sense of immense guilt would be her own karmic debt to repay. By that time, I wouldn’t care and truly hope to have moved on to apathy or possibly even empathy. Either way, good luck and good riddance.

I think I’m developing a sort of PTSD in light of all of this. There is just so much darkness in people and I feel myself sinking to that level just to survive. I do beleive that wickedness and secrecy and degeneracy comes along with attraction. But i’m not ready to sell my soul over for sex or to get a woman infatuated. I’ll keep fighting the good fight for now. At least as well as I can, but it’s going to be A WHILE before I even consider entertaining a relationship. Between this, all the of the infidelity stories, the redpill content, this whole alpha vs beta male (narc vs empath) and all those nuances, and overall degeneration of today’s relationships….. I just don’t trust people when it comes to matters of the heart. And i’m not sure if I even want to play that game. MGTOW monk mode along with the occasional tinder hookup seems to be the best alternative. There seems to be too steep of a price to pay for true intimacy.

Unfortunately, that’s what I love the most. I love love. But love is a drug and I need to kick the habit. Am i becoming as toxic as the rest of these demons out here?

Born to Simp

I’ve learned a lot from the manosphere in the past few years about how to view women from a red pill lens. It’s been quite informative and a lot of it makes sense. I bought into it hook, line, and sinker. Lately, however, I’ve been starting to have a few questions or even doubts.

Unfortunately, the thing that brings people to these spaces is usually some sort of trauma or deep emotional hurt. While I can say that it did bring me an immense amount of relief from my specific pain and suffering, I am starting to wonder how true some of this information is.

One idea in specific is the notion that men today are labeled with negative labels such as cuck, simp, or beta male if he is truly in love with one woman. It’s as if it’s unnatural for a man to want to be in a monogamous relationship with a single woman. And as if it’s somehow wrong for him to ‘only have eyes’ for one woman and to want to make her happy. They call it ‘one-itis’ or they’ll say it’s a symptom of having a ‘scarcity mindset.’ They’ll say it’s because we were raised by single mothers who gave us bad information. Or that it’s because feminism has ‘pussified’ us and that real men don’t fall in love with women.

It’s difficult to have intellectual discussions with these red pill ‘alphas’ because the manosphere is an echo chamber of sorts. Any deviation from the widely accepted talking points are usually met with insults of being called a beta male simp mangina or blue pilled cuckasaurus or something. Even ‘purple pill’ guys are barely tolerated.

I’ve found myself having extreme reactions to people who disagree with those ‘red pill’ truths, though lately, my reactions have been more or less. Well meh… take it or leave it. Good luck with that.

One specific point that I disagree with is where they say that it is somehow unnatural to fall in love with a woman. It think that it is a very natural thing (though I wouldn’t advise it today). If it was unnatural, the fallout of a broken heart wouldn’t be so damned traumatic and PAINFUL for so many men. I suspect that having a wife and family that you’re invested in does something to our minds. I wouldn’t be surprised in the future if we discover some ‘protector’ chemical that gets released in our minds when we attach to a woman.

The idea that it is actually natural for men to fight for his woman … as opposed to simply letting her go seems more reasonable and logical to me from a pure naturalistic aspect. Of course we live in ‘society’ where those types of things are highly frowned upon…. but i do believe that the natural order would be to be ready to ‘fight to the death’ to preserve what we had.

I’m not saying that it’s a great or even good idea to do those things. In fact, I do agree that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be overtaken by love from a woman like that. My argument isn’t whether or not it’s a good idea, but I just believe that it’s a natural thing. If you do a highly addictive substance, you’re going to get addicted. That’s natural isofar as it having a natural/explainable/predictable effect on this human body.

If you attach to a woman, you’re going experience a shit load of pain if you lose her. I’ve heard soldiers’ say that they experienced more trauma from their wives leaving and destroying the family than going to war and seeing death and killing people. To be fair to women, I’ve heard a woman say that she experienced more trauma and pain from being cheated on and left by her husband than being raped at an earlier age. As I’ve stated so many times, this thing hurt me WAY more than anything I have ever experienced up to now.

If it were unnatural to feel so shitty about it, then men wouldn’t work so damned hard and have that instinct to preserve and protect their families at all costs. Ask the pussiest blue pilled guys, and I’ll bet more times than not, most would literally catch a grenade to save their wives and kids.

Think of all of the greatest love songs and ballads written. Written by guys. Romantic poems…. usually men. Epic love stories (not trashy romance novels)…. Men did that. And many of these arose from before the time of 3rd wave feminism and the modern woman. Men go to war and are willing to die if a persuasive leader can convince them that their wives and families are being threatened. We love and we love hard.

I really hate the trend that where red pill guys agree with hypergamy and think that it’s somehow a good thing. I can see the appeal in a sense that it does drive competition. But the explicit endorsement of this seems to be contrary to building the family unit. Especially in a day of social media, women’s entitlement complex, and a “my happiness first” driven society.

I do believe that in truth, men love the hardest in general. Ironically, the exceptions (the narcisstic ones) are the ones who the get the most women. In pragmatic terms, it’s probably best to follow the example of the latter. However, our society seems to… for some reason or another appear to be evolving to where single unit families where men live to die for the their wives and families is coming to a screeching halt. Women don’t desire those men as much and men are learning this the hard way, but at a rapidly growing rate.

Chivalry may be dead. But I do believe that simping is also following very closely behind it.

I think that if u just get over it is the best way to be over it.  This helps me… They duped u and fooled u.   They don’t and can’t FEEL love like that(lizard hearted).     U can’t make them feel it.   They just literaly can’t.    You’re trying to explain colors to a blind person.     Accept it.   They just literally can’t feel it like that….let it go and just stop expecting a monkey from not doing doing monkey ish…

Your r evolved past their monkey lizard mind…but they Literally are lacking that THING that makes US human beyond that.    Programming or psychology doesn’t matter….  don’t drown yourself trying to save someone who can’t swim,,U R NOT A LIFEGUARD (u martyr complexed ass  personn u lol)and they put themselves in deep waters despite the warning signs…try to save them and they will pull u below the waters with them.,,, perhaps they prefer DEATH.? they can’t swim and would drown YOU in order to save themselves anyway…now YOU’VE BECOME toxic in orderto push them off and save YOURSELF….   IT’S A NO WIN PROPOSITION……accept THAT IS WHO THEY ARE and can’t change and accept it.   Unless u have a bdsm relationship with your emotions….   yeah, but I don’t.  But I get it, it makes sense in a way

They are not like us.   U just have to accept that…otherwise not trust in the MOST HIGH to save you….stop idolizing  these people  out of habit( the spiritual enemy is using them).   it’s literally how trauma bonds work..some Christians say..( LOVE THE SINNER AND NOT THE SIN)….NOT EASY, but I gotta forgiveher……..let’s do better

And move accordingly

Love and power

Almost there

I called a divorce attorney and got the paper work for the non contested divorce. I then called STBX and informed her that I’d be emailing her a copy to look over and we can talk about custody. She seemed a bit sad, but at the same time, didn’t resist. She pretty much said that she was so indicisve about it all. It almost pissed me off, but I quickly regained my composure. I wanted to say that she already decided this by her actions…..but no need to say anything. At this point, I know who I’m dealing with.

I thought about spending a weekend together and seeing if there is any way we could work on things. That’s a terrible idea though because I know that I could never trust her, even if we managed to have a good weekend together. The truth is, she just isn’t what I need as wife. I don’t think she can change as she sees nothing wrong with what she did/ is doing. It doesn’t feel right to lecture a grown woman about boundaries, respect, and morals. Besides, all she’d do is listen and later do whatever the hell it is she wants to do. Been there done that.

I also found out the main guy she’s currently seeing is in a relationship and it appears that they have kids. Her first affair partner was also in a relationship living with one of his childrens’ mothers. I’m noticing that she has no problems with dealing with attached men and possibly breaking up homes. More respect lost. It would seem that she doesn’t respect herself and has no regard for the potential fallout that could occur. Moreover, It seems that the notion of “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.” doesn’t exist in her world.

I’m thinking that she has some real mental issues going on. Her lack of empathy and integrity is just … WOW. I know that people like that exist in the world, but I never would have thought in a million years that she’d end up being one of them. It’s kind of pathetic when I think about it. It is somewhat comforting to know that it’s really mostly on her. I know that I’m not perfect and I wasn’t looking for perfection either. But without trust and honest communication, it just can’t work and I’d continue to run the risk of her cheating.

It’s actually a bit of a blessing that we don’t click. It would be even worse to have a woman like this who I could just get along with in an easy effortless way. While it’s not my problem anymore and I don’t plan on putting an more thought into it, I am curious as to why she comes across as so desperate…. especially looking at the guys she’s “choosing up” on. I haven’t met them personally, but based on pictures, I look way better than them. And the text communications between them doesn’t indicate that they have more ‘game’ than me. They certainly don’t seem any smarter than me. As far as money goes, they don’t seem much better off financially than me, minusthem having more kids to feed. I’ve had way better texting with women i’ve dealt with…. but that’s neither here nor there.

I used to think that perhaps she deserved better than me. Now that I’m waking up, I am starting actually feel that I may have been too good for her. Sure, she makes more money, but that’s about it. Maybe I was a blue pilled simp for most of our marriage, but I still held it down as a husband.

I never wanted to be a part of the divorced dad club, but I’m pretty sure that this outcome has more to do with her and her mental issues than me with mine. I have learned that I need to be a better leader as far as leading our family. I have to be more serious and let go of my serendiptious attitude towards securing a house and finances. That is, regardless of whether or not I want to go that route again.

I’m pretty sure that my lover likes having fun with me. Even though she wants to get married, I don’t think that she sees me as marriage material. It’s cool though, I’m not even close to mentally nor financially to be thinking of that.

I do think that I COULD possibly get married again someday. But as of now, I can’t see myself honoring and cherishing it in the way that I once did. It just seems like a pointless endeavor because cheating is a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust women not to cheat sooner or later. I couldn’t just give my heart over and be “in love” like that anymore. Without that, I see no other point in it unless I could benefit financially. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to marry someone for their money or status.

I can’t think of what characteristics a woman could have that would make me want to marry her. Even if she checked ALL of the boxes, I can’t take a chance and give my heart over to her. People are people and the way I imagine my TYPE, she’d be so rare that I”m sure that many, many, men would be in her dm’s trying to get her/ get her back. And to have her head over heels would be impossible. I’m pretty sure that cupid played a trick on us where we can’t have who we want the most, but we can have those who want us more. If it comes down to it, the latter would be a better choice. I could deal with that as long as she met my minimal level of attactiveness.

If soul mates exist, I would be hard pressed to find her. My guard is way up. Even if we had initial chemistry and attraction, I’d feel that she might be a Narc in a similar fashion to STBXW. She appears sweet and delicate, love bombing and idealization further drops your guard…..then boom, all of the things she said in the beginning was just an act. Her dating strategy. She’s a spider, slowly entagling you into her web and by the time you realize what she really is…. you’re stuck in her web as she slowly devours you alive. Her venom eating you from the inside out.

No sir, I can’t do heart break again. It almost killed me the first time. I was lucky to escape. A bit battered and bruised, but I’m healing. The pain and anxiety attacks are coming much less frequently….and though still mad about it sometimes. I am however finally accepting her for who she is. I realize that I can’t take it personally anymore. I am a work in progress so as I heal, I’m sure things may pop up here and there. But I do feel miles better overall.

Step by Step

So I had “the talk” with kiddo. Rather, it was a pre-talk. I pretty much told him that I was planning on divorcing STBXW…. i was able to explain that we both love him, but our views on marriage are different. that it’s not his fault and that I didn’t think that he thought that it is is fault, but the research says that I should assure kids that it isn’t.

“I don’t know what is going on in your kid’s mind, but just in case you think it might be your fault, just wanted to let you know that it isn’t at all.”

I told him that she says that she isn’t happy and that I don’t keep someone in a relationship where they aren’t. And that her view is that people who are married should be happy…. and while I understand that perspective, I disagree and beleive that working it out should be done first, but either way, if she’s unhappy, I don’t want to risk staying to together for the sake of it and end up hating each other. Plus, I don’t know how it would feel if I were her and if I didn’t want to work at it. i gave the analogy of being on a sports team, and even if your team sucks, It’s still your responsibility to do your best … at least until the season is over. … But I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression either. That I don’t know if I’m right about that principle when it comes to marriage, even though I think that I am, but it’s MY opinion….and she could probably do a better job than me at explaining her point of view.

I explained that we were planning on telling him when she came back the week after next, but i felt like I didn’t want to blindside him with the news. Plus, if we did it that way, it would be weirder and awkward. I told him that we love each other and him, but just not in a marriage kind of way…..That i’m not angry nor bitter about it…..and that we were afraid of hurting him.

He seemed to understand when I told him that he should never try and keep a woman who doesn’t love him as a man. And that though it sucks sometimes, you just gotta let people go and be happy. And finally I told him to feel free to ask any questions, now, or later or whenever. I told him not to feel any pressure if he didn’t have any questions right now, but as his mind processes what’s going on, that I would be there to answer them the best way that I can.

Finally I told him that people people and sometimes, we try to do our best, but do a pretty bad job at it sometimes. But it will work out in the end as it always does.

Ironically, when we finished talking a buddhism video came on where the moral of the story was…. sometimes when life seems to be falling apart, it’s really just falling into place. Perfect.

STBXW called this morning and we had a semi decent conversation about plans for him over the remainder of summer. No talk about getting back together. I didn’t tell her that we had the talk. I wasn’t as angry.

I suspect that like most women, there needs to be some sort of conflict in our dialog….but really, that’s only if i want to attract her. I’m at the point where I don’t care if she likes me or not or is attracted or not.

I do believe that in typical narc fashion, she wants me to be “on the hook” and feel like she can come back whenever she wants. Once she has that assurance, she’ll triangulate me with her other ‘supply’. No matter the case, I could never be assured that one of her ‘lovers’ or whomever else she was fucking/ had relationships with would never come back into the picture. I know that cheating isn’t below her and obviously not for them either.

I also know that I’m not going to ‘compete’ for her. She’s not even my type for real. I might consider it if I did see something in her or if I felt that our connection was real. If I’m honest with myself….it just isn’t. Trust and honesty were the only glue keeping us together. Her natural tendency to ‘keep things secret’, hide things, as well as lie, cheat, as well as not communicate due to her secrecy isn’t want I need in a wife. Let alone one who I don’t really vibe that well with.

We would have been better off as fwb or fuck buddies. We should have never gotten married. We should have just let our sexual attraction run it’s course and said farewell OR if she had gotten pregnant at that time, just coparent. No expectations of actually being together or anything of the sort.

I could be toxic for that, but that’s how I also happen to feel about my lover. She’s ‘in love’ with me….from sexual/chemical honeymoon phase aspect for now. But I don’t think that she would have what it takes to be a life partner with me. there are certain ‘understandings’ that might end up causing me to compromise too much and resulting in her completely losing respect for me. I can see a bit of selfishness in her that makes me a bit insecure about loving her loving her. She’s flippantly said to me too many times, that if she were my STBXW, she’d be doing the same thing (in a taking the advantage of the situation context). I don’t know if she has thought about what that looks like to me, but the way I see it, if it’s in her to do that to someone, I can’t trust her in the long run.

I love her in an appreciation for wine or art or tao kind of way. I love who and what she is. I can appreciate a beautiful flower in the field, but I can’t take it home with me kind of things. But I also know that she’s just not wifey type for me.

I’m walking the balance between love and attachment. I’m sure I’d be kind of bummed out should we end things, but I’m hoping not to be too torn up about it.

I don’t like that uncontrollable, I must be with you type of love. I am a romantic at heart. I love love. I’m learning not be a hopeless romantic. I like the sex and intimacy and friendship and ups and downs. I like to make her happy and to experience exciting as well as mundane everyday life with her. She’s intoxicating at times. But I already know that It is a drug, my brain on dopamine and oxytocin. I just don’t want the addiction. And there are just too many red flags and not enough of that….my type. We’re fine together in a light relationship, but overall, we’re like how me and stbxw were. In love, but there is no way in the hell we should be together together.

From her, I’ve learned I have to love STBXW in similar fashion. Appreciate her for who/what she is, but leave her out in the wild. You can stop and smell the flowers, but you can’t take them home. They don’t thrive like that and tbh, I ain’t exactly a gardener either.

I think this is wisdom. Maybe not for everybody, but for me. I gotta get over the fact that she injured my ego. It got too attached and this was bound to happen. I know that due to her proximity and that trauma bond (that’s hopefully healing in a healthy way) I must be careful not to get too close. Lest she does that Narc thing and ropes me back into my feelings and I’m hurt and disappointed all over again. She’d do that for sure and I can’t let her.

We’re not going to get buddy buddy. But that’s really not a problem. We never really were. This was purely a sexual relationship that just got out of hand. She liked me and I can’t blame her. I’m dope. Fairly handsome. I’m pretty intelligent. Pretty good sex. And I had a pretty good heart and better (albeit short sighted) intentions.

She was pretty to look at and that love bombing shit and idealization cycle had me from jump. I was a sucker for love. And of course, she took advantage. It’s what she does. She fucked me up pretty bad I can’t lie….lol. She thoroughly beat my ass in that love shit. But knowing what I know now, and accepting her for who she is /what she does hopefully can give me enough appreciation to not take it personally. Let her be over there with the bullshit but I’m not even worried about what she’s doing out there. And when I do cross her path, just say, yeah, I remember that one. Don’t jump in those sticky bushes trying to get her. You’re going to be there all day pulling thorns and spikes out of your ass.

I’m in a good space right now. Hopefully this ride is over soon.

What if

What if I were married to a beautiful soul. We had a family, a kid or two, a house, memories, and pretty much everything promised by the American dream. Then one day, I met some who’s attraction I couldn’t deny. It was mutual. A twin flame. Beautiful in every unconventional sense. Even more of a doll to look at. My physical, mental, and spiritual type. And as if fate dropped this temptation at my doorstep.

We’d talk, laugh, and conversation seemed effortless and infinite. She just got me in ways that my beautiful wife never did seemed to. It seemed that we knew each other from a past life. Our connection was supernatural. I thought about her, what we talked about, and what I wanted to tell her next. As I sat there, holding my wife on the couch while the kids were on the floor watching our favorite movie. Movie night at the Jones’s. A typical Saturday evening.

My phone buzzes, I reach over and check. It’s her, almost on queue. Texting about the very thing I was just thinking about. This connection was strong. It was deep. And right then I knew that this could be an issue. “Who was that” asks my wife.

We don’t lie to each other. I always loved her honesty.

What to say? I gotta say something now:

“Oh, just a friend.” damn, that sounds suspect.

“Oh” she says….”Everything cool?”

“Yeah”. followed by a short awkward silence.

She bought it. Or did she? I’m not really good at this lying thing. But i mean, it’s just a little white lie. I’ll figure it out later. Besides she trusts me and she’s not really the confrontational type.

Yeah that would be tough. The road to an affair probably starts off like this. One white lie, followed by lies by omission and so forth. The death of a solid relationship and trust by a thousand paper cuts. The comparisons, the built up resentments. Marriage ain’t easy, but fulfilling in it’s own way. Yet this is a new breath of fresh air. The temptation. I could imagine excitement. Confusion. The realization that you’re Falling in love with someone else. How after years of a good thing and never being tempted to suddenly having this new woman’s energy slip in as a trojan horse and break down my city walls. Guilty pleasures. Compromises.

Cognitive dissonance as I try to navigate the the blurred lines of right and wrong. I think this is what’s meant by “affair fog”.

It’s a slippery slope. And I’d imagine that it’s easy to slip, fall in love, bust your ass, and destroy the foundation of what you and your true soul mate labored so hard to build.

All from one white lie.

I hate cheaters. We become monsters. Trapped in our own web of deceit. We destroy those who love us. We become unrepentant love addicts. We lose our way, lose ourselves. Compromise our integrity and morals, ironically claiming to love….yet somehow uncaring that we manage to destroy those who love us most.

I hate this space. This energy. It feels disgusting.

TBH, i’m glad that I wasn’t the one who had to play this role. It would drive me fucking crazy.

I can empathize and I could see how it could happen to a relatively decent person.

In a way, maybe this is what happened to STBXW. But seriously, it’s like once they fall into that trap, they’re gone forever. I feel sorry for her in a way. But i see no way of giving her the light. It’s like she’s trapped in a desert of darkness. Her only source of illumination are the compromises she made. The fake promises and compromises that she made with herself on that slippery slope are as mirages now. And she desperately clings to them in hopes that she can find her way. She signed a deal with her own devils. Her hell is that she’s gets to roam in the a land of darkness forever chasing illusions.

I’ll pray for her. She had choices man and consequences result. And if she ever finds her way. She’ll have to pay dearly in her mind for them.

Perhaps it’s more merciful to let her wander out there. Could she handle the light after dwelling in darkness for so long. If she opened her eyes and could truly see the destruction and damage she caused. It would be like going through a second round of hell. One of mental anguish and pain this time. I really don’t know if she could handle it to be honest.

I could forgive, but I can’t take her back. As a final act of love. For me and for her, I must forgive with my heart. I hope she wakes up though. And may God be merciful to us both.

Bruh

Answered a phone call this morning from STBXW. I should have told her to text me instead. It is supposed to be good day.

She had the audacity to say “I feel that if we were to try to work things out, you wouldn’t be open to changing.” Wait….what? I never said anything about working on anything except figuring out custody for kiddo. She can’t be serious. This is the stuff I’m talking about. It was as if the entire 30 minute conversation we had the other day fell on deaf ears. Plus, “I wouldn’t be open to changing.”

Wow…. Ok, yeah, from outside looking in, I know that it sounds so rediculous that I’d even let that bother me. It’s just the nerve that’s all. Did she grow a pair of testicles or something? That’s pretty fucking ballsy to call someone after you blindsided, betrayed, humiliated, and so forth and tell them that “I feel like you aren’t open to changing if we were to try and work on things.”

Like who the fuck said anything about working on anything. Is this chick crazy? Forgiveness is one thing….I gotta do that for my sake and for the fact that we have to co-parent somehow. But getting back together is not even a factor in this. Even if she wanted me to consider it…. why the fuck would she start off with “You need to be open to changing.” As if the last 4 years didn’t just happen. W T F?

Bruh.

The hand on forehead emoji says it all.

Again, even though I understand she was ‘unhappy’ about certain aspects about the marriage…..

As i type this, I realize that I don’t need to explain this shit to myself. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

Some say that narcissists (And yeah, I’m going to use that term for now) are possessed by energies (spirits or demons) that know how to push your buttons in order to vex your spirit. I really don’t think stbxw is really smart enough on her own to do this. I don’t think she sits up at night thinking to herself … “how can I piss him off and confuse him”. Nah man. There is no way she could actually be this manipulative on purpose.

I mean what normal person in their right mind would actually say something so stupid….so obviously inconsiderate….and yet it somehow vexes me to the point where I have to come here and type out my feelings.

I’m healing and trying to get over this trauma bond. I’ve come so far and I can’t let her bring me back.

No contact back in FULL EFFECT.

Venting

I hate that broad man. I was just sitting her going over what I am going to say to kiddo and it’s really pissing me off that she could be such a fucking selfish cunt.

She swear she loves kiddo, but the idea of new dick and attention is enough for her to put him through this. If not that, then her fucking lust for money and material.

She is literally the cause of this specific pain in his life. I know that I need to have this talk…. and I need to do it maturely and in an emotionally controlled way. But still, I fucking hate her for doing this to him. And I have to witness it. Those fucking assholes who are fucking her won’t be here to witness the pain on our little guy’s face when this shit goes down. They won’t be there to see his heart break.

I never minded punishing him when he did something wrong. I am the disciplinarian of the house. A few groundings, yellings, a spanking here and there. I understand how much is pain necessary to drive home a point and get respect.

But this….this is cruelty. This bitch is breaking up our home. I don’t give a fuck how many other kids have gone through this. HE IS OURS. I’d damn near put up with her bullshit so that he doesn’t have to go through this, but as a man, I’d be violating what I know to be true. Plus I’d never want him to deal with a selfish bitch like this and would probably tell him as a man to send her back to the streets. No woman is worth this pain and humiliation.

And she wants me to cover for her lack of accountability in all of this. I”m implicated because of her selfish decisions. That evil witch can burn in hell.

Maybe it’s the protector instinct kicking in. You harm my kid, I WILL FUCK YOU UP….kind of thing. He’s a young man so I know there will be conflict and strife in his life and I want him to be able to handle it. I never coddled him. If he fell hard as a little kid, I’d tell him to get up and not make it like it was a big deal. If he got hurt a little, it was always “shake it off, let’s go.” He is tough.

He lost at some sport or something…..it was do better next time. Something bad happened to him….. That sucks….Life be like that sometimes…..but let’s keep it moving….. I push him when we’re sparring in boxing. I take him outside of his comfort zone sometimes. Of course I won’t let him drown. I’m just saying though, I’m not a coddling/helicopter parent.

But this though. This evil witch actually cares more about herself and some stupid gotdamn instagram likes and shit,new dick and attention, and whatever more than hurting his heart. You bitch you.

You gave up the “right” to unadulterated “happiness” for your own selfish needs when you had a child. I’m Not saying that she deserves misery. But until that child turns 18….you have to work for your happiness and it DOES MAKE YOU A TERRIBLE PERSON to put yourself first over them. Especially if it’s something that can hurt him that deeply. YOUR JOB you stupid bitch is to protect him as much as possible. WHAT DOES SHE DO instead. Put dick and her fucking “miserable” existence in the way. That stupid bitch ain’t miserable by any stretch due to abuse, financial woes, infidelity or anything of the sort. She’s miserable because she’s fucking jealous of people who she perceives is doing better than her.

GO out and put the work in. Stop blaming me for you not doing whatever the hell it is that you want to do. I never stood in the way. I always supported her. If she wanted me to do something….OPEN YOUR GOTDAMNED MOUTH and say something. I ain’t no fucking mind reader.

Now I have to experience….no WE have to experience this terrible bullshit because of HER ignorant, jealous, selfish, entitled ass. I hate this. But I gotta be strong and stay cool. This will probably be the hardest thing that I ever had to do…..

But as I would tell him. Life be that sometimes kiddo. Get up and let’s keep moving.