I Am Blessed

Perhaps the universe is doing what it does and I just have to trust the process. I mean ultimately, the attachment to family in the scheme of things has very little significance outside of my tiny slice of conscious experience. When I die, all of these memories, experiences, hopes, dreams, fears, etc. will have very little (if any) impact on history.

Even if I were to accomplish something “great” by today’s standards, I won’t be remembered much beyond my son. And in two generations, I’ll probably be completely forgotten. I’m about as significant as piece of lint or a single hair.

So why should the universe consider me any more or less significant. There are countless stars, solar systems, and galaxies in a seemingly infinite sized universe. Time goes back and forward in a seemingly infinite line.

I’m no special snowflake. Though unique as any, who remembers any one specific in a snow storm. I’m as one drop of rain in a hurricane. I wouldn’t be missed, even if I didn’t show up. Yet I think that I’m the entire storm.

So why am I sweating the way that I’m being treated by my stbxw. My ancestors faced much, much worse conditions. There is someone out there dying of cancer. There are parents who’s children have it. There are people who don’t have a meal. People in history have been kidnapped and taken from their families. People who don’t now where their next meal is coming from.

In other words, my issue is small compared to what countless others before endured and countless others after me will have to face. I’m not the only man this has ever happened to and won’t be the last. Better men have gone through worse.

This is perhaps my ego. From this perspective, I should b grateful for all that I do currently have. The other important things. I have my health. Those I love the most are healthy. I have a good job. I am able to engage in my hobbies. I’m in great shape. I enjoy my hobbies and have the opportunity share them with my son. I have more video games than time to play them. I don’t feel less than a man. I am truly blessed in so many ways. I have family and friends who love and support me. I don’t have any real enemies set out to destroy me.

I’m not at war. My life isn’t in any imminent danger. I can take hot showers every night. I live in 21st century America. I can eat almost whatever I want, whenever I want. I have food in the fridge and can afford to go out and get more 24/7 if that isn’t enough.

Being a middle class citizen in the U.S. today means that my quality of life, for most of my life has been better than 98% of the population that ever lived before me. This includes, kings, queens, and royalty in recent history. I don’t live in a crime infested area. No real gang wars. I have an amazing son and great relationship him.

I have the internet in the palm of my hand. I am truly wealthy. Very wealthy in terms of quality of life. And instead of appreciating all that I do have. I’m focused on the one negative thing that, in the scheme of things, isn’t that significant. If she’s the type of woman who can do these things, then worrying about her behaviour/action isn’t really worth my peace.

I am smart, funny, handsome, wealthy, healthy, and am gaining more and more wisdom each day. I am truly blessed. And i should enjoy this moment. There is no guarantee that any of this will be here tomorrow. God/the Universe has given me so much, extended me so much grace, when I didn’t ask for it. It feels great to be able to breathe air without obstruction. I am not afflicted with any physical pain right now.

I am actually happy. So instead of focusing on the one negative thing when I have been blessed with so many positive. I should be grateful and focused on enjoying my life. It’s a great time to be alive for me.

I am truly blessed and going forward, I will enjoy the day because I have clue what tomorrow will bring.

Selfish Love

I was watching IDTV with my lover over the weekend and on it was a show about a guy who’s wife ended up taking on an affair partner. As in these sort of murder/mystery shows, there was all sorts of drama and bullshit.

Basically, you had a man, who was married, had a successful career, bought his family a nice home, allowed for his wife to be a stay at home mom, and from all accounts in the show was there for her and their 15 year old daughter.

The wife basically started seeing a new guy and fell in love with him. This asshole fell back in love and the wife started going back and forth between the husband and affair partner.

The husband in this story paid for marriage counseling and was willing to take the wife back. Things seemed to be turning around for a month or two, but she ended up reaching back out to the affair partner.

The wife, still torn between the husband and lover was going back and forth between the two, started lying to the counselor about the contact she had with the AP. They lived in a small town however and rumors got back to the husband that she started back seeing the AP.

Ultimately, his life falling apart around him, the husband decided to take the wife on a boating trip as a means of reconnecting. While out there, he asked her to tell him the truth about everything. He confronted her with evidence that she was still seeing the guy….and based on the show, she pretty much got upset with him and told him that she wanted out of the marriage and wanted the affair partner.

In the scene, the actors showed that the wife started acting like a bitch towards the husband and showed him no compassion.

The husband threw her overboard, but ultimately decided to rescue her. They returned to shore. Obviously upset that she almost died, she wanted to leave that night. Instead of going to her parents or a freind’s house, she went straight over to the affair partner’s house. Husband found out about it, went over with a gun and ended up killing the guy.

Sad story because the husband, who by all accounts by people in the town was a pretty good man. The affair partner (outside of being a fucking piece of shit) was said to also been a pretty good person. Now you have a dead asshole and the husband is locked away in prison for murder where he cannot be there for his daughter.

My lover was saying how the husband was crazy as hell. Which i can’t disagree. But it seemed that she felt more compassion for the wife. Of course, I felt more sorry for the husband.

It makes me wonder why in the hell do adulterers get so much forgiveness in society. She says that I’m just triggered because my wife cheated on me….and she may be right.

But it also gives me pause. I really hate cheaters and adulterers. I mean next to rapists, child molesters, snitches, home invaders, and crooked cops. These people are bottom of the barrel scum.

Noone ever feels sorry for child molesters nor rapists. Noone ever just tell the victims of those monsters to “just get over it.” Yet people who participate in the destruction of man (or woman’s) family get a pass? Noone cares about the psychological damage of the victims in this case. Noone gives a fuck about how the kids are affected by this.

I mean, if i’m crazy for thinking that family should be preserved by any means. Am I the crazy one for thinking that (outside of abuse, repeated infidelity, or extreme circumstances) that people shouldn’t have the right to abandon their spouse and family. Am I off the reservation for thinking that the pursuit of “happiness” or a new lover at the cost of your family unit is a wicked endeavor. I mean, am wrong for thinking that abandoning your family does indeed make you a terrible person.

We also disagreed on the fact that I also blamed the affair partner for knowingly interjecting himself into the situation. She says the the affair partner was a single man, so he didn’t owe the married guy anything. I disagreed and said that this man was a neighbor (member of the worldwide community) and that we all owe each other some level of respect as men and human beings. That family is off limits. That it is dishonorable and disgraceful to mess with a man’s family.

She then said, they’d still be a family, just not in the same home and that the wife shouldn’t have to stay somewhere she was unhappy.

I try to never compare her to my stbxw. But i told her that she was taking her side. “No I’m not”, she said. “Yeah. This is her mentality.” I dropped it as it was really pissing me off and I was really triggered by her response. Seeing that I was visibly upset, she jokingly suggested that immediately schedule another appointment with my therapist. ” Ha ha, almost funny, but the timing is off, so try again asshole.”

Man, am i really the stupid one though? Am i crazy? Am I missing something here. So are we suggesting that it’s ok to get married, have kids, have them depending on me….or us….then right in the middle of it, meet a new partner who knocks my socks off. Cheat on my wife, abandon my kids, move out, and expect that my old wife and kids should accept this new person.

I mean, if I really wanted, but couldn’t have this new person (because of my marriage), then wouldn’t that automatically necessitate that this would cause a great deal of “unhappiness” for me.

Am I the only person who sees a problem with this? I mean, this excuse just doesn’t fly for me. As men we’re taught to just suck it up and do the right thing by those who depend on us. It is noble, honorable, and expected to sacrifice for your families.

But women are somehow “empowered” if they step outside of societal expectations of them and pursue their happiness by any means necessary. No matter the collateral damage. I’ve heard some say that since many men have done in the past, it makes it ok for women to do it now.

Am i stupid for thinking that is a really stupid argument in support of the women who do this today? It was wrong for those men who did it then, just as it wrong for the women who do it today.

I get it, love is a choice, but when you don’t choose it, doesn’t it make you a pretty shitty person if it means that you get to hurt so many people by choosing yourself over it.

I hate this stupid notion that somehow the kids are better off if the parent is happy. Many times, the parents make themselves unhappy because they act like spoiled assed children by being unhappy that they can’t have their cake and eat it too.

Either way, I’m not convinced that my lover, my wife, nor the bitch on the show is right about this one. If most women these days think like this, I definitely won’t be getting married again. If most women do indeed think this way about family, how in the hell could I ever even consider trusting them in a relationship without kids. It would be selfish and stupid of me to bring kids into this knowing that this is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Unless the plan is to make her a baby mama because in my opinion it’s much worse to take a kid’s home away than it is to never have given them one in the first place. Plus I simply don’t believe that the primary purpose of marriage is happiness. Not that you should be miserable, but marriage is supposed to be a forever kind of thing. Your personal happiness doesn’t always come first in this instance.

This selfish mentality is a red flag (to me anyway). It is a sign of emotional immaturity, a lack of integrity and character, and the failure to have internalized the understanding of loyalty. In short, it shows that she is indeed for the streets.

She is the epitome of the red pill notion of “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” DO NOT GET ATTACHED….emotionally, financially, or otherwise. Just enjoy your turn and be ready for the bullshit once she finds someone else or gets bored.

Losing it

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my shit. I really hate it here and its just so hard to cope with my stbxw in the apartment with me.

I wish I could be away from her. Just never see her nor hear anything from or about her again.

I just hate looking at her. Speaking to her. Hearing her voice. I dont want to be near her. It sucks that we have to coparent for the next 7 years as I wish this was a person I could just leave in my past forever.

Each day seems to get worse and worse. And there she sits…..aware of the pain, humiliation, and disrespect she causes….knowing i am trapped with her….and despite knowing it, willing to continue doing it…..and acting as if I should just be amicable.

I’ve never been raped, so I cannot say how much that damages a person….but it does feel like I’m being fucked unwillingly….as the fucker sits there saying…..relax, its not my intention to hurt you, i’ll stop when im done…..just pretend that this isn’t happening. As she furiously pounds my asshole. Occasionally laughing and giggling while other times asking if I’m ok. As if I’m an object not worth any sort of dignity or respect.

Then after the whole ordeal is over, imagine having to deal with the asshole who did that to you…..and they pretty much got away with it Scott Free.

Yet society says, hey be nice. You have to coparent. I’m the asshole because…..”hey shit happens”….

It’s like the message is that you can do anything you want to people in the pursuit of your own personal happiness, regardless of how fuxked up it is, as long as there are not legal ramifications behind it…..and the person getting screwed just has to take it, stfu, and forgive.

Fuck her man. I hate that stupid fucking witch with everything within me.

Being Faithful is a mental illness

Just watched a video on worldstarhiphop.com about a guy who killed his wife because she cheated.

If he is to be believed, she did him pretty dirty.

That said, while I understand his pain, no woman is worth it.

But the comments were pretty brutal against him. (I guess it is worldstar though)

They were pretty much saying it is WHY men should cheat 1st anyway.

Perhaps there is truth to that. In this day in age, I guess you have to pretty much expect that your s/o is going to cheat.

As a matter of fact, it really seems that you have to cheat. Especially if you want to keep her.

Sad, but it is what it is.

Faithfulness seems to be a red flag.

I’m starting to think that I am a weirdo for wanting a truly monogamous relationship.

I have to get over this.

Did I Expect Too Much

I know that this might come across as condescending and sound terrible, but bear with me. I’m starting to think that perhaps my STBXW might not be so bright. I mean deep conversation was never her thing…..and that is ok.

Ok, let’ say it would appear that she’s the type that is easily distracted by shiny objects. She rarely argues with me, and it’s ok. I was starting to think that perhaps she was a covert narcisist or something.

I do think that she’s on the spectrum. But her number one go to argument in all of this is that she’s unhappy with number two being that it’s not my intent to hurt you. Like I’m just supposed to just be like “hmm, ok that makes it better, I see your point now.”

I’ve asked, “would you like to see someone treat you, your mother, kiddo, or anyone else you love like this?”. Her response is always no.

I’ve asked then “why do you think it’s ok to treat me with so much disrespect as not just a human being, but a man?”

Her response usually is: “It’s not my intent to hurt you.”

I usually return and say, “Well why do you do it when you don’t have to?”

Her reply: “It’s not about them (those guys)”

Me: ” So, why can’t you just be ‘single’ until we figure out the whole divorce situation as I find it hurtful and disrespectful that another man is actually talking to and fucking my wife while we are still living together.”

Her: “I’m not happy”

Me: getting frustrated “How is it a proper response in a marriage/relationship you’re in to cheat just because you’re unhappy. Shouldn’t you try to fix it, leave, or divorce?”

Her: …

Me: “It’s like, you go out and actively seek other men even after you knew how bad the others hurt. It really feels like this is intentional and i’m taking it as disrespect.”

Her:… It’s not

Me: “Look, I’ve told you, you’re burning a bridge here even though we have to coparent. Those guys are still going to be there. At the very least show me enough respect to either NOT do it until we figure this out….or move out. You know our history, and I moved back in because you promised you wouldn’t do this.”

Her: “Stop putting words in my mouth, Did I say I promised.”

Me: utterly shocked at the words coming out her mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Her: just don’t put words in my mouth

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok, I promise I will respect you by not being on my phone when you’re around.

Me: still in shock at what I’m hearing. “So you think it’s more respectful to cheat behind my back with men who know we’re married.”

Her: Isn’t it?

Me: not beleiving I have explain this. “there are levels to it, you know, either way is disrespectful to me.”

Her: “Would you rather for me to lie to you.”

Me: “I’d rather you just leave.”

Her: “I will as soon as I find a job.”

This is the type of bullshit I have to deal with lately. This is why I can’t talk to her. I pretty much spent all my savings in past few months and am working an extra job to keep the lights and internet on, rent paid, and etc. Not to mention she’s flown to NYC on her credit card twice last minute (imagine how high the damn tickets are) under some other premise she told others, but somehow ended up with him.

I personally don’t find her body alluring at all anymore. There’s just something about knowing that she’s sleeping with another man that makes me personally not want to touch her sexually. I can’t even stand to look at her when I’m around. This is no longer intentional. It’s like literally can’t even look at her. I can’t remember the last time we made eye contact.

And after all that, working 10+ hours a day, going to the gym, going to boxing/bjj to get my mind off this shit and sometimes driving ride share after that. Just to come home to dirty dishes, dirty laundry, disrespect, and dysfunction.

I feel like I’m losing my shit over this. I mean is she really this stupid and selfish. I mean, to me (and maybe since noone else is there to referee so to speak), her arguments sound terrible.

WTF man!!!

I’m a hypocrite. I get it. But gotdammit, this crazy is rubbing off on me. I know I’m wrong. And that’s starting to weigh a little on my conscious. She never asks me anything. I don’t think she suspects anything. Or actually, I got a picture of what’s in her phone where she went snooping through mine and found a few text exchanges between me and a girl who asked me for my number (nothing incriminating as all we’ve done is text about mundane pleasantries/no sexual innuendoes even)….as clearly she can read.

But she never asked me about it. So tbh, I don’t know what she knows. Maybe she is smarter than I thought? Does she even know about my lover? I mean at this point IDC. If she asked, I’d tell her.

Maybe if she asked, i could concede to an “open”marriage until we could figure out how to separate successfully. As of now, assuming she doesn’t know anything, I just take it as her being disrespectful. I mean (justification I know) but it’s the principle. I don’t necessarily always believe in an eye for an eye type of justice, but if she wasn’t out her consistently cheating, I don’t think I would have taken on a ‘friend’….as lovely as she is.

I am wrong for this I know, but it doesn’t appear that I am hurting her. Am I a terrible person because of this?

Is she collecting evidence for a lawyer or something? She has told me that she doesn’t trust me enough to tell me anything because she doesn’t know how i might use it against her. Was this a slip up because she is planning to mount a case against me?

I gotta get out of this dysfunctional shit. This might be ok for her. She never expresses any gotdamn emotion. She’s like a damn robot or something. Maybe she needs this type of shit to thrive or something. If she wants custody of kiddo that bad, she can have it. If she wants to take him out of my life….as much as I do with and for him…..that she’s willing to manipulate the situation in her favor….. as much as he loves me and him me. And knowing the only reason i didn’t go nuclear on her or am even here is because I wanted to try to protect his home.

I’m just tired of the bullshit and if it’s her goal to somehow put me off of relationships and marriage in general. She is winning for sure. I never wanted this. It’s not fun, not good for my mental health, I just want my peace of mind back in regards to this.

Conflicting Interests

So i work with this younger chick who stopped me today with news about her “flirtationship” as she calls it with one of the mail couriers. The guy is pretty cool. Tall, handsome (no homo), and pretty charming. A bit, or should i say a lot of a player. Cool guy nonetheless as far as I’m concerned.

This chick is a bit on the naive side. Raised right for the most part with both parents. But kind of like most females, have a bit of a over inflated ego due to the simps she normally deals with. Par for the course for her age. Young 20’s I’d say. I still wouldn’t classify her as a ho. As far as I can tell, based on some of the conversations we’ve had, she hasn’t gone through the ho phase yet.

She says she sees our relationship as big brother/ lil sister. We tease each other and joke around and stuff. Anyway, she asked my advice on what I thought about him and is sort of wanting to know if they should hang out outside of work. I guess also probing if I knew if he had a “crush” or if I knew anything about how he felt about her.

Gossip, I know, and normally i would just dismiss this as ok little girl I don’t want to hear about this. Bottom line is, I know dude is a pretty smooth operator. My impression is that he’d smash and she doesn’t know what she’s in for. Things could get pretty ugly AND her naivety combined with her arrogance might lead to all kinds of ish down the road. She seems to be a pretty good girl and I’d hate to lead her to having a hurt heart by not saying anything.

The nice guy in me wants to tell her more (not everything) of what I know. But bro code dictates, it is what it is. Besides, no matter what I tell her, she’s gonna do whatever the hell she wants to do. No point in sacrificing my friendship with him by telling the truth as I’m sure she’ll talk about my observation. He did somewhat trust me enough to show me several videos he’s taken of baddies he’s smashing. Plus a few guys in the office sort of knows about his exploits.

I pretty much told her to do whatever. I don’t know anything, but she kept pressing. So i finally conceded to just hang out and don’t put her heart in it. I laughed because I’ve known guys like this and to me, even if I didn’t know what I knew, I could tell he’s a player.

She mistook my laughter as if he had mentioned her in conversation or something. She had a really niceguy boyfriend she broke up with as per one of our conversations because he was actually too nice. Dude was a real simp though. Young, good guy, like I once was, so i get it. Obviously not understanding on how these things work. At least based on the ‘good’ things he did for her a bit too often.

I asked her what was her impression of him. “He’s so nice, and funny”. Yeah, i responded, so why are you asking me what I think?

Her: Well, did he mention anything about me?

Me: No

Her: So why are you smiling and looking away?

Me: Cuz yall (as in you females) are hilarious.

Yeah, i’ll just let sleeping dogs lie on this one. It ain’t my problem.

Warning Signs

So, the stbxw came back to the apartment last night after a week in NY. Just as expected, she was no longer wearing her ring. She claims that she still hasn’t heard anything from the interview she went on last Friday.

I was really not looking forward to this. It’s so hard for me to even look at her. My entire mood changes. I felt that I was getting better without her around. And seeing her triggers all sorts of unpleasant emotions.

It’s like I can’t just sit by and let her keep texting men/her new man? right in front of me. I don’t want to even question it, but at the same time, it’s just a reminder of how fuxked up she did me. There are levels to this betrayal stuff. All are terrible, but each subsequent level makes things even worse.

Level 1 is the got drunk, temporarily had a lapse in judgment, slept with someone, and felt terrible about it. Either fessed up or when confronted, came clean. Apologized and did whatever actions necessary to allow the betrayed to heal as much as possible

Level 2 is developed an unexpected crush on a work friend or something, things got out of control, snowballed into an affair, got stuck in cheaters fog and now felt terrible about it. And did what I needed to do to ask for forgiveness.

Level 3 actively seeked out someone while married and started a relationship with them.

Level 4 slept with a s/o’s friend or family member.

While she hasn’t gone level 4 she’s pretty much done 1-3……but unapologetically, unremorsefully, and as far as I can tell, has no real regrets. In fact, only doubling down in being more secretive with her phone, and continuing to gaslight more and more.

Ok, I get it, she’s in an ‘unhappy’ marriage. But I really can’t see how this is on me. I’m not perfect, but I treated her as a friend first the whole time. From what I see and based off what the few friends I’ve let know what’s going on, they didn’t see anything that bad with our marriage or situation. It’s bad enough that she wants to take our family away, go back on her vows, split the home, hurt the kid, and meanwhile never lifted a finger to try and resolve whatever issue she/we had. In fact, her response was to go out and have a gotdamn affair, as if that was going to help “us” as a family unit.

Now, she has the nerve to keep lying, gaslighting, keep finding new “options” all the while acting like we should still be “friends” and “amicable”. It really pisses me off to have to deal with that. I feel like I’m the only one having to shield kiddo from the toxic behavior she introduced.

If she wants to leave, of course I can’t stop her, nor would I want to. But couldn’t she respect the friendship we had. Couldn’t she respect me as a person who was always there for her. She wouldn’t be finding these new “love interests” if she’d just work with me first in figuring out how to make the split amicable and easier for the kid. In fact, why in the hell is she looking for “relationships” while still married anyways? She knows it’s hurtful and disrespectful to me as a human being and a man.

Why completely burn the bridge down as if I did something bad to her in all of this? While it is terrible that she wants to break a home and marriage in the name of following her “heart” (scripture says it’s deceitful and wicked above all things ftr), it’s even worse that she has to do it in this way. Almost with no conscious with it.

So now I have to deal with this ish. I can’t stand her. She’s a liar, a betrayer, a cheater. These things make her a terrible person in my eyes. And it seems that noone in her family is saying anything to her about it. I don’t know what they know to be fair to them though.

The scariest part about all of this is that I still have no clue of the warning flags that could protect me from women like this in the future. We had all the “important conversations” in regards to cheating, infidelity in the beginning. We both discussed how nuclear family is important. We both talked about how “forever” is a long time and we needed to always be real and honest with each other. We had both been cheated on in the past and talked about the worst part being the lying and gaslighting.

If she could just switch it up on me like that. How could I ever put my heart on the line like that again. At least for a marriage? Plus it seems that more and more women are out here cheating. The scary part is that she seems to have no remorse or regrets over any of this. Many of them have no problem with hurting a man who ACTUALLY loves them. Yet will fight tooth and nail for a dude who treats them like crap.

It makes me not want to be with her anymore. She definitely isn’t wife material. She seems to be like a lot (dare I say most?) of these females out here. Her character is really lacking. She seems oblivious to this. I suppose that this shouldn’t be a surprise. As the saying goes, ain’t no such thing as being halfway crook. By default, a cheater is a liar.

Yes, I am aware that I do now have a situationship on the side. But bear with me. I do feel that she pushed me out there and if she ever asked, I’d tell her about it. I don’t feel guilty about this because If I did her the same way she did me, I couldn’t be surprised, I’d feel that I had pushed her out there so to speak. Plus I’ve been upfront with my lover about everything, almost everything. I don’t really talk about all the bullshit stbexw is putting me through as too much sympathy ends up making me look pathetic. I don’t expect her to understand how deeply losing your family and the prospect of hurting the kids hurts and makes this not as easy as saying fuck it all. She doesn’t have that experience. Plus, while I can’t hold it against her personally, she kind of had it rough when it comes to the whole childhood family situation. Her bastard of a father wasn’t there for her either. So I don’t think she can REALLY appreciate how much I’m putting up with for this kid. Plus, I’m sure she has issues (understandably), based off social stigma for dealing with a “married man”.

Just wanted to point out that I don’t feel like a hero or martyr for doing this. I’m almost compelled to do this, so there could actually be something wrong with me psychologically.

I just don’t want to screw him up psychologically and the financial situation makes it more difficult than just moving the hell out….again.

Either way, I am at a much better space and i do believe that I am ready to have the talk with him. I just need the space away from her to make me not so angry and bitter. It takes time, but her last week away, made me realize that it wouldn’t take that much time to get back into that good space. I just can’t be around her.

Imagine having to stay and be cordial with a person who callously and coldly took the the most important thing away from you, keeps disrespecting you you in the process, and betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible. And takes your responsibleness to the kid (who they also claim to love) for granted. Some people don’t seem to understand that this can wreak all sorts of psychological hell onto someone. I’m torn between losing self respect and trying figure the best way to move forward given the circumstances. I’m in a bad mental headspace right now, but I do realize that the WAY i handle this makes all of the difference in the world.

Hopefully, she will be out soon as I can’t kick her out of the apartment in this particular state. I’m hoping that her “new” man will encourage her to get out…..probably not for my sake….lol, but because he doesn’t want to risk us getting back together….(as if….)

In love with a married woman….not me though

So I did a google search on the psychology of married women who leave their family for another man. I was hoping it could give me some insights on to what in the hell could be going on in the mind of my soon to be ex wife.

I ran across a few quora forums where men were asking if a married woman would leave their husbands for them. I was patently disgusted. I mean really? How freaking thirsty and immoral does one have to be in order to be actively want to break up a family. How stupid do you have to be to believe that she won’t cheat on you also. How cold do you have to be to not give a fuck about how it might affect the husband and the kids.

Men who willingly cheat with married women are disgusting to me. Especially those men who want to take them on for themselves. Two things that you know about a woman in that situation is that 1)she’s a cheater 2)she’s a liar.

Are these men so desperate that this is the best that they can do. Are they really that shallow and superficial that they the woman’s beauty/sex/ or whatever really have you considering wifing another man’s wife.

Apparently there is, and there is no small number of them. I have “friends” who have dated other men’s wives. Knowing that they were married. Once I found out, I realized that I could never trust these “friends” at all. They have no morals, no boundaries, and because they are willing to do unto others, things, they wouldn’t want done to them. Especially in the context of a family. These men are conniving, opportunistic, snakes. They are the worst and even though I wouldn’t kill a man who does it to me, I would have ZERO sympathy for them if a man did.

I seriously despise these guys, they are liars, thieves, and have no moral compass. How could anyone ever trust a man without boundaries. How could these women trust these men and vice versa.

But then again, perhaps they are good for each other. They are more “equally yoked” in a biblical sense. I reached out the my wife’s new guy via text a week or two ago simply letting him know who I am, our relationship, and telling how she already cheated 3x on me. I ended it with I won’t be reaching out anymore and to just do with the information as he saw fit.

Of course, this fool responds with “we’re just friends” and a link to 50 cent video. The thing is, I don’t give a fuck. He can have her. Maybe she is a hoe. Or maybe she’s going to love bomb the fuck out of him until he submits into a relationship or maybe he’s going to smut her out…..or maybe both….who knows, but the point is that I know I’m ready to leave because I haven’t been concerned about calling, texting, figuring out what she’s doing, when she’ll be home….tbh, i hope she stays. The fact that she’s always been pretty secretive is just another dealbreaker for me as far as relationships go. Knowing what I know about her, I’d never allow her to get this dick again. Like she’s unworthy of getting any pleasure from it, and I’d be a damned simple ass fool to let her try to make me feel sexually good. She’s not worthy of it. That’s not to say I’d never do an actual hoe, but I put her in a category below ho.

Maybe she’ll never come back. I mean it would suck for kiddo, but I’d be perfectly ok if I NEVER saw her again. It’s been a bit harder around the apartment since I can’t work part time and all the chores and responsibilities have been on me, but it’s so much more peaceful mentally knowing that she isn’t texting another man in the next room….or even right next to me…..and it’s so worth the hardships for now. Peace of mind man. Priceless.

In fact, it’s going to suck when she returns as I’m sure she’s going to probably be reaching out to whomever even more so. I pray she just stays away for as long as possible and even longer. But since I don’t know when/if she’ll return, I really need to make a plan to vacate as not to live in the toxicity while she’s here.

I am grateful for the break and the longer she’s away, the easier it gets not to dwell on it. Especially since I’m committed to not checking her soical media, email, etc. I no longer feel as hurt, or anxious at the thought of her. I think this is exactly what I need to fully be over it.

Fantasy Land Phantoms

There seems to be something delightfully wicked about the fact that one is able to say and do things to captivate a person’s heart. At the same time, disgustingly immoral. It’s scary and sad that in order to play the game of “love” in the most effective way is to tell people that you have feelings for them that aren’t authentic to how you really feel. And the rub is that if you actually feel that way, then it really doesn’t work.

It’s as if it’s a catch-22. You can either love a woman and lose her. Or pretend to love her and keep her in love with you. And often times, that line can get blurred.

Women seem to prefer to be told what they want to hear….even if it does conflict with truth. I can see why they fall for a certain type of guy (low level narcisstic/psyopathic/sociapathic spectrum types) so many times. They have no problem with lying or massaging the truth to them. Perhaps it intrigues them on a certain level that his words and actions don’t seem to align.

From a guy’s perspective, it’s so much easier to lie and fake feelings in the hopes of captivating her as opposed to putting it all out there and actually having feelings. In the former, it really doesn’t matter if she rejects you or not, so it’s much easier to be playful and not take it seriously. This makes you more internally consistent with your confidence and much easier to “play the game” of love so to speak. On the other hand, if you really do love her like that, you’re bound to make the mistake of taking it too seriously and becoming, boring and predictable.

Actually falling in love to the point where you can’t walk away is what women say they want. But in reality, that’s when they lose attraction to a man.

But if you can fake it and have them fall in love while you fake the feelings on your side….they’ll have the experience, but it’s just not authentic in a mutual way.

When it comes to romance, it’s almost as if you can either have love or admiration……but not both at the same time. And when it comes to heartbreak, the former guarantees you’ll feel it, but the latter isn’t as deep.

So perhaps the best thing to do is to love sacrificially (superficially). But be a good person with it. In other words, just get someone to fall in love with you while not falling in love with them. This doesn’t mean that you should treat them bad. In fact, love them through action and words, just not with your heart. Give them the opportunity to actually feel the love and admiration while you may not necessarily feel it…. and understand that just because you do this for them, they don’t owe you anything.

Like, I love seeing you in love. I’m glad I can give you that. But I’m not IN LOVE with you like that back.

Perhaps they can fall out for any number of reasons, but at least you won’t take it personally and can truly wish them better.

Perhaps the reality is that a Narc’s inability to fall in love can teach an empath how to love without attachment. The love given is voluntary and never compulsively. Though a Narc’s love is often opportunistic.

Perhaps the key to love without attachment lies in this space somewhere. Maybe the pain I went through with my soon to be ex wife can teach me how to do this, just in a more ethical way.

I don’t want to fall in love again anyway so perhaps I can take this as a lesson on how to love in the future in a more ego less way. While at the same time, somewhat placating the ego minus the attachments. Perhaps this is what i had to learn. Never fall in love.

It’s a drug, it’s a trap, in fact, for a man, we shouldn’t even call infatuation love. It truly is a form of madness for us. It should ONLY be voluntary and never compulsive. In fact a man being “in love” with a woman isn’t really love at all.

So when i say, i love her, it’s not say that i’m “in love with her”. I just love to see her love and I’m glad that I can help her feel that way. Love without attachment is the way to go. As the love is voluntary, should she violate and disrespect, just walk away, no harm no foul. My love must have stopped being enough. You can’t cheat on a person you’re in love with. My principles dictate that you shouldn’t cheat on a person you love either….so that’s that part.

It’s ok to be alone until i can find someone else to fall in love with the way I love them.

Perhaps it is ok, to say things you don’t really mean in the game of romance. You’re just giving them what they want. The gift of being in love with someone who truly (not compulsively) loves them back.

Another Beta Male Marraige

Even though I have been feeling like this is over for a while now. Last night, there was a point where I realized that I have no fight in me. I have no hope nor expectation for her to change or things to get better.

I can’t envision a brighter future with her. I can barely bring myself to look at her. She’s burned me so many times that I couldn’t have any self respect for myself if I tried. Even if i wanted to try to work things out. She’d have to kiss my ass in ways that I don’t think she’s capable of doing, nor would I really want her to. I just don’t think she’s worth it. She isn’t who I thought she was. She really is for the streets. She is a liar and comes from a place of deception. She really is one of those type of people!!! Dunno why that was so hard for me realize about her.

I can’t lie, pretend, hope, or even righteously imagine that we could fix it. I’ve given her so many times to come clean, change, consider our family, stop being disrespectful and sneaky and lying so much. I don’t think she can change. I cannot respect her for taking our family away without even trying to fix it. I can’t respect her for hurting our kid and breaking up his home without so much as lifting a fucking finger to fix it.

To me, she’s a lying, disloyal, cheater who only cares about her own happiness, damned if the people closest to her get hurt by her actions. She never gave it chance, and instead of respecting us as a family, my efforts as her husband, nor the fact that our child deserved for us to at least work at our marriage, she chose to actively take advantage, lie, cheat, humiliate, and disrespect OUR FAMILY for some new dick.

Seriously, otherwise maybe we could have worked at figuring out almost anything else that was making her so unhappy. She’ll never be able to admit that….and it wasn’t for some specific person. It’s because she wants to be out her “experiencing” new men in an effort to make herself “happy.”

I hate that our child has to be collateral damage. I’m pissed that she disrespected me so bad on that, but I’ll be ok. Truth is, I only stuck it out for him. But the fact that she’s so willing to hurt him over such a superficial and false fantasy (how will this make her better)….and why does he have to suffer over her selfishness…..that’s the part that’s toughest to cope with.

I hate that she lies and loses no sleep at night for being so wicked after doing so much damage to people who truly loved and depended on her the most.

I hate how she justifies this hurtful behavior as, it’s not her intent to hurt someone…..as if her intent justifies her wicked and unnecessary actions.

As if verbal acknowledgment and accountability are the same thing.

And i think I’d be willing to forgive all of that….the wasted 10 years. The realization that she never truly loved me. The fact she betrayed me…. (of course we couldn’t be together anyway after that)…… but hurting our kid by destroying our home because she wants some “new dicks” in her life….is almost unforgivable.

It was OUR responsibility create a home for this kid. I was fucked over bad first and then again, and then again…..I was lied to, cheated on, gaslit, disrespected, emasculated, cucked, and yet and still, I took all of that so that our kid wouldn’t have to face the heart crushing pain of what she did to us.

I hate when people say that both people share the blame. In a way it’s true, no one is perfect.

But it truly minimizes the fucked up things that one person in a relationship can do in order to totally fuck things up for everyone.

She has even admitted that I was a good man to her and our family. Yet, I deserve to have my home ripped right from under my feet. I deserve to have my son taken from me even though I took all of this pain for him. We deserve misery because she thinks that sucking random dick and living like a gotdamn bourgeois ass thot is what’s going to make her happy.

Adding insult to injury, she wants me to protect him from what she’s doing. As if this is my fault or doing. Yet, I have to take yet another flaming arrow for her in order to protect their relationship. Not saying I really have much of a choice in this. My principles inform me that I really shouldn’t bad mouth her to him nor damage their relationship. I don’t know if the truth about her won’t damage him psychologically.

I’m Not saying we should be together anymore. I am painfully aware that this could never work. But i feel like I deserve more gotdamned respect than this. Yet the silver lining is that I won’t have any regrets.

I truly believe that my cause was righteous. I made mistakes along the way to get here. I don’t even feel bad as she never questioned me about any of my indescrections (i don’t know if she knew or simply didn’t care). I never had to be dishonest with her.

I do feel that she did push me out there. I was hurting….bad, my self esteem was shot, it felt good to have someone to kind of go through some of this with me. I needed that intimacy that she starved me for. The sex and if I’m honest, the validation that I do deserve better. And tbh, If i behaved and treated her the way she did me, I couldn’t be mad at her.

That said, I gotta get to a better place. I can imagine in a year or two, when we settle into the new norm. Our kid is aware that his home isn’t going to be with both of us in it. And when we figure out this custody, child support thing……I’ll be much better off. Hopefully he’ll bounce back without too much damage. I may have to give him up if she wants this to be a custody battle. Not that I wouldn’t be willing to spend the money, but her unreasonableness and selfishness on the issue might cause more damage due to the contentious nature of these types of battles. How unfair would it be to make him choose between either of us? And when he’s older, I can explain to him what actually happened. Hopefully he can forgive me if I am somehow painted out to be the bad guy in all of this.

As for her, I don’t really care. I mean right now, of course I’d love to see karma bust her in her lying, psychopathic, cheating, narcisisstic, shallow, selfish ass.

But I’d rather be at a place of peace, content, and apathy. Maybe she’ll change, maybe not. But i don’t want to be in a place where if she appears to be “happy”, or if she gets off with it all scott free, where I’m mad or bitter over it. Though karma would probably still be my primary choice if i had any say in it at all.