Land of shadows

So we had a phone conversation…..I started off cool… the beginning, but ended dominating the conversation…,as usual.

Say Nothing next time…be brief and get OFF the phone.

Sh3 even did the classical….I can’t hear u( implied) so “did u hear me”(impied) convo. she’s the ONLY person I seem to have these issues with.

As usual….she finally got me….after me saying “hello…can u hear me”… “yeah I hear u now” (despite me doing nothing differently)…. we talked. Or rather I started off asking questions, but in the face of silence….ended up talking

I’m a moron i know. Her game fucks u up

I truly loved her….shortcomings (sins) and all. I am supposed to hurt.

But part of the pain is letting go. Love implies that I want her to be happy….with or without me. In fact without me bcux I cannot be married to an unfaithful woman

So hope isn’t about karma or destiny. I just have to love that I played my role…she played hers…it got hurt and needed to learn how to forgive….

And the “i” in her played IT’s/our role in this story…our”me ” is was hurt

Watching Out for Traps

It’s back. Dunno. I guess sitting here alone has me feeling a certain way. I’m soon to be a part of the divorced middle aged guy club. I guess there are worse things to be. I can’t help but be angry about it all. But i take a bit of comfort knowing that there are guys who went through way worse.

I don’t know why I feel so bad. Or why this even sucks. Really, if this energy just wants to use me right now, then I hope it’s for a reason. No point in fighting it. I mean, shit, it’s me doing this to myself. Her spell is weakening, but I fell into another trap. I discovered that her email is still signed into the internet browser at home. This also means that her photos ocassionally get uploaded to the cloud when she connects her phone to wifi.

Enter Mr. Stalker, looking to see what he can see see see. I really need to sign out of it. I saw some shit a few days ago. But at this point it doesn’t matter. She actually told me that it was still signed in so that I could fill out our tax returns using the verisign on the pc since it wasn’t working on her iphone. I knew that it was still logged in, but I wasn’t looking at it. I didn’t want to.

When she asked me to, I REALLY DID NOT want to do it. In fact, I told her at first that I didn’t want to. She asked why and I was like because I just didn’t. She responded that there was nothing in there to see anyway….but she doesn’t know that her pictures do get uploaded every so often.

I KNEW it would turn me into a stalking monster. I knew that once i opened it up once. I’d be fucked. But we needed it done since it was the last day of tax season. So at first, I just signed the document. But could I just leave it alone…..HELL NO. I just had to open the gotdam photos. Since then, I’ve been checking that shit every day. And every time i do it, I feel like a damned junkie.

Yeah, it’s too tempting. I need to sign out of it. Fuck it. I rationalize that if she decides to take some course of legal action, at least I can be ahead of it. But it’s not worth the feeling of feeling like a pathetic loser because I cannot control my snooping nose. Yeah, I’mma have to cut this off. It’s not healthy and mostly uncondusive towards my healing.

DONE!!! Logged out of that bitch. It was like trying to quit smoking with a pack of cigarettes right next to the bed post. I’ve seen all that I need to see. I’ve been done that. Seriously, what kind of masochist am I. I need to love myself more and stop worrying about it. Do I really need to see a sex pic or something before I’ve had enough. I’ve seen the sexual texts back and forth. I’ve seen the I love you’s. And now I saw that she went out to cali with some dude last weekend. Followed by a text telling her lastest affair partner about how ‘horny’ she is once she got back.

In a way, it makes me less and less attracted. Sex is OFF the table for sure. It would have been a bad idea anyway. But knowing that she’s giving it up like that is further confirmation….should she ever decide to try that shit with me. Doubtful, but according to the research, i gotta be careful about a possible hoover move.

Either way, I’m thinking that I’ve been leaking psychic energy despite going mostly (only 1 email and a few texts about kiddo and the bills) no contact since tax day. Oh and that stupid tarot reading thing. But otherwise for real none.

The psychic energy comes from the fact that now, my youtube recommendation list has her zodiac readings popping up and I’ve been watching them to see what her cards hold. Stupid, I know. But gotdamn, I must be in a pretty dark place even though I’d like to think that i’m doing better.

I’ve stopped looking at her zodiac tarot readings over the last day or so and after seeing one of mine about us possibly getting back together (it fucked me up and set me back a little). Though I’m still Not wanting to get back, it did add a little oxygen to that last subconscious dying ember of hope that I need snuffed out. Needless to say, I’m stopping that shit too even though I will say that some of these people are pretty accurate about what’s gong on with me. Or at least I’m interpreting it that way. But fuck all of that. It’s NOT HELPING. In certain ways, subtly making things worse psychologically.

Bruh, that’s the devil setting traps. No more though, she’s NOT getting any more free psychic energy from me. NO EASY OUTS.

Funny Feelings

I just wanted to record this strange feeling for later. I’m just sitting here, minding my business, getting some work done and then boom suddenly…..Anxiety/pain. I was ok with everything this morning. In a forgiving space. Healing. Wasn’t worried about her like that anyway…. If she did cross my mind, the feeling was neutral. Almost full acceptance of our new norm. No thoughts of playing games, just staying my course and mindful of the things I’ve been learning over the past few weeks. I’m trying to forgive, place boundaries so i can heal, and continue to figure out where to go on from here without her.

Then suddenly a thought crossed my mind or something and the pain started trickling back in. Not sure what triggered it.

Maybe i should just stop resisting it and just feel it.

It’s so weird to have your feelings and thoughts on different pages. But i can say that it feels & seems right to think that is part of the process. I knew that there would be dips and that I’m still on the roller coaster.

It does feel like I am close to the end of the ride. Like how when you’re riding a coaster, the first and middle parts are scary, but when you get to the end, there aren’t as many loops or drops. And the ones that remain aren’t bad compared to what went before.

Yeah, I am healing. I’m getting better and accepting of things. Just because I’d never take her back, doesn’t mean that we can’t be cordial. She just aint right for me for a lot of reasons. A lot of women aren’t right for me for a lot of reasons. She now falls into that category. Probably never was but I just couldn’t see it at the time. Or maybe she was for that moment. Who knows.

This kind of gives a whole new perspective to the idea of the cock carousel these females be riding on.

For me, with her, it was a pussy roller coaster. The ride looked like a good time, but i can’t front, it was a motherfucker. I wasn’t ready (in my kevin heart voice)

The lesson here is…… have fun, but “keep yo heart 3 stacks keep your heart”

Always keep your heart. Infatuation and sex is one thing, that’s hard enough to break, but won’t necessarily break your psyche.

But falling in love?……fuck that. You really don’t give a fuck about yourself if you give someone that much power over you. You must be a real self hating psychopath to want that shit. But I guess you never know until you try. However, I guess it’s not something I could just tell someone to avoid. They’d have to feel it for themsleves to understand.

I just don’t get how people put themselves through that shit over and over though. Do you really want another motherfucker that you can’t control….who could be lying to you, or simply might change their minds later, having you stuck on them while they have freed themselves of you? Fuck that.

Then again, it ain’t like I’m a 10 or something where women come out the woodworks to find me. It also seems like I’m too damn old to be trying to ‘play the field’ so to speak. But I do like sex and intimacy, just not the expectations or attachments. I also don’t like having sex with people who are actively having sex with others.

I don’t want a relationship ship. But a relation ish ship. I mean if most relationships (and marriages these days if I’m honest) are temporary car rentals anyway. Or most likely to be so. Then why put all that pressure to stay committed. I prefer honesty over comitment anyway. If you’re tempted to do …. do you. Just let me know. I might be hurt, but nothings gonna stop a person from doing what the fuck they want to do anway. A relationship isn’t gonna stop a cheater from cheating. And if she gets to the point where she wants to fuck someone else, then she’s pretty much tired of me anyway. Let’s not make it too complicated. Just be real and we’ll see where we go from there. I’m not a relationship guy.

Killing Hope

In most difficult things in life, we are often taught that we must cling to hope. That we should never snuff out the flame. It would seem that it’s a fragile thing that we must be mindful of for fear of extinguishing it. In the case of dealing with unrequited love and trying to let go, that fragile thing is actually a quite persistent little bugger. It seems that, for whatever reason, that little spark just wouldn’t go out. No matter how much you stomp on it, douse it with water, or neglect it, it just won’t go away easily.

I’m thinking that it is the tiny thing that has kept me miserable all of this time. It is subconscious. I think the hope was deep deep down and the more I tried to ignore it, the more it seemed to glow. I believe that I had the hope that someday, the stbxw would wake up and look at what she’s done/doing and was throwing away. And turn around and work with me. Either to restore our family or at the very least restore our friendship. That somehow, we could fix this. Or perhaps divine intervention would deus ex machina this bitch and save the day miraculously.

I’ve come to realize that hope is another thing that prevented me from fully letting go. Last night, I was reading a website or something like that which is basically a website dedicated to ‘jilted’ ex spouses. Many people are going through this and the overwhelming conclusion is that once pandora’s box has been opened, It cannot be closed. Many people have been ‘stuck’, like I have been, for a loong time. Many even longer than me.

Of the many articles that resonated with me, one in particular seems to be the next key in getting over it. This idea that hope needs to be nailed to a post and forgotten about.

The thing is that these people do NOT change save some life altering come to Jesus moment that completely changes them. Very few (statistically 0 for all case in purposes) come to this moment. Even if it does hit them, more than than not still don’t alter their actions. It’s built into them and they just cannot change.

Our marriage has run its course and I must state this in no uncertain terms.

Hope must be completely be eliminated from the equation. Other people have reported that their s/o’s / spouses/ ex spouses MAY have come back temporarily, but it statistically never works out as there is almost always some hidden agenda…..the new person didn’t work out as they thought…..or they want to continue the affair part, but want the stability of home life.

These stories help reconfirm what I already believe. If a person is willing to hurt and disregard you to that degree in the first place, they can and given the opportunity will do it again. It was never love to begin with.

Hope for that person to change back into who you thought they were in the first place is futile. They never loved you like that. Or either they are incapable of loving deeper. The most you could hope for is temporary infatuation. If possible to rekindle that momentarily, it’s only temporary. We could never have the deeper level of MUTUAL love, trust, and RESPECT that I’d want from a WIFE. It’s just not in her. Even the fear of her moving on and finding someone new doesn’t really bother me too much right now. If she was capable of simply walking away from our FAMILY….THE WAY SHE DID IT indicates to me that any LOVE she’ll ever be able to give is fake, temporary, selfish, and opportunistic.

I know that she is capable of lovebombing the shit out of people she’s interested in. So if they do fall for it (especially if she tells them the truth) and they actually give her their heart…’s their karma. Scripture even warns men about the ‘adulturous woman’. Sure it is a metaphor, but still, there is much practicality to the But even if she lies and misrepresents the truth, it’s a relationship built on lies and deceit and it’s bound to fail.

Proverbs 5

3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; 4 but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. 5 Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. 6 She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it. 7 Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. 8 Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, 9 lest you lose your honor to others and your dignity to one who is cruel, 10 lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich the house of another. 11 At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. 12 You will say, “How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! 13 I would not obey my teachers or turn my ear to my instructors. 14 And I was soon in serious trouble in the assembly of God’s people.” 15 Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. 

Wow!!!! All i can say is wow. It sounds like a lovebombing, monkey branching, NARC to me…..i’m not saying that I’m a saint either but this does indicate a clear warning…..Just saying. If the first part of this passage describes her so well, then it’s not unreasonable to think that the second part would apply to anyone who actually falls for her. I wouldn’t consider myself a christian in a conventional sense, but I’ve always felt that there is LOT of wisdom that can be taken form the bible….especially in the book of Proverbs.

Even though this is all logical. Logic goes out of the window when it comes to matters of the ‘heart’. Hope however is a matter of the heart so it seems pretty reasonable to kill all hope in order to get over it. I feel good now, very accepting of things.

So as of now, I have acquired two useful tools to help me fight this internal battle. 1)letting go of ideas of justice and karma for her and 2)letting go of hope of any sort of reconciliation. My only hope for the future is peace without her and that we (me and kiddo) will recover from this. My focus / meditation/ vision / dream is that we will have a great and successful life without her. Better yet, she’s just background noise as I do want her to have some involvement in his life.

I’m good for now, but I can’t forget that this is a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Who the fuck knows when the next dip will be. I can’t wait to get off this ride though.

Coping Mechanism

It just hits me sometimes. Out of nowhere. Nothing has changed. Nothing seemed to trigger me.

Just BOOM. Anxiety and pain. I logically know everything I already knew. I didn’t lose my understanding. I didn’t lose my will or desire to detach. I’m not wanting to get back together. I don’t desire her. I still know that I can do / should do/ deserve better. I still remember every SINGLE thing she did. I really want to let it go. I am really trying. But suddenly. Anxiety and pain.

Where does it come from?

It seems to be like a phantom arising out of nowhere. The feeling just possesses me. It’s not like I want to feel this way. So strange.

I guess I should stop thinking for a while and just FEEL. Instead trying to resist it, just breathe and feel. No thoughts, no judging it….Just breathe and Just Feel. Observe it and allow it do what it does until it passes. I am not feeling it. My body is. What if I (God in me) detach from myself and observe how the “me”(body, ego) is feeling this.

Just breathe and feel.

Keep marching

So far so good. No contact. I’m getting better and stronger. I’m getting my heart back. Her spell is weakening. Even though some remnants remain, the random thoughts of her or memories of the past no longer induce the anger or anxiety. At least its not as intense.

I hope this feeling of acceptance can last. I just have to keep going through the process though I have NO IDEA what to expect next. I can only take it one day at a time.

It was a pretty good day.

Keep marching


Sometimes I wonder if someday in the future, when I ever look back over these posts for the last few years…if I’ll say to myself how fucked up my thinking was.

Am I toxic for believing that falling in love is a curse. Or that the potential juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

I folded and texted her a video about some stupid tarot reading that seemed to resonate with me and relate to us.

Idk….but as soon as I hit send….I realized that this was a huge mistake. Truth be told, I knew it was a mistake before I sent it. The cognitive dissonance on my behalf was due to the fact that it said that someone (presumably her 1st affair partner) was using voodoo or black magic in order to destroy our relationship and he had been using it the whole time during our so called reconciliation. It said that it made her stay on the fence about things. It said that it caused her to miss out on an opportunity or lose a job….she did suddenly and inexplicably (let her tell it) lose her job (an essential worker job at that) without any warning

It said that this magic caused her to be infatuated and forget her values and so forth. That he loved her and wanted to isolate her and she should be very careful. That he already had children, but also wanted to get her pregnant….true and true… coincidence???

Ok. Got damned….stupid I know. Dude is Haitian, granted. He is a douche (narc as the card reader said)….confirmed by my biased ass opinion and objectively for dealing with a married woman….plus the other bullshit he asked her to do against me to “prove her love/loyalty” and/or either for an ego boost. And she seemed to change A LOT since running into him.

But to think he would be some brujah or worker in dark arts is a huge stretch . Sure, its possible. But come on. At the end of the day….come on.

Even if were true….bruh…i don’t want to deal with this shit. If she wouldn’t have cheated in the 1st place….plus man fuck that. ” I immediately sent never mind. Disregard that, just a stupid tarot reading that could apply to anyone.”

She tried to strike up a conversation, but I left it on read. No respond.

In the scheme of things I guess it’s ok. No contact was broken, but ….if i think about it….it doesn’t matter. Not to say I’m going to make it a habit. I fucked up for sure. But I’m not doing no contact to make a point, nor to get her back….but to get over it.

So it doesn’t matter if the effect of breaking no contact gives her more self confidence or validation to walk away….it doesn’t/shouldn’t affect me. My goal is to break this spell/hold that she has over me. Its not to get her back.

I did fuck up tho. And that is proof positive that I still have work to do.

In the far far future, maybe I won’t see romantic “love” as a curse, but as of now. Going thru this….desiring to let go (even though I’m really over it) but seriously struggling to do so…. you can’t convince me otherwise.

Meanwhile….back to the grind

Energy Transfer

I think that the more you think about a person, the less they think about you. And vice versa. This is some spooky woo stuff so it’s not backed by hard science. I won’t go into detail about energy fields, quantum mechanics (quantum entanglement), mind sciences (neville goddard, claude bristol,and the like). But they all attempt to offer an explaination of how mind manifests reality. I am also tying in how Narcissists (we all are on the spectrum, just some way more than others) also feed off of your emotion.

Anyway, all that said, I’m thinking that even though no contact is an effective way of getting someone to start wondering/thinking about you…..i admit it is manipulative and should only be used for good. If you really want to ramp up the effect, you have to actually STOP THINKING about that person. This is effective because they will subconsiously stop getting the psychic energy you’re feeding them and then wonder why their energy is off.

Even though they won’t know why, they will subconsiously start notice that they aren’t getting your emotional psychic energy and will start to miss/crave it. Even if they are with someone else. It’s like, they will only miss it if you’re not thinking about them, but they will not miss it if you are.

Ever notice how many guys say that their girls come back once they’ve moved on. They moved on in the sense that she is no longer on his mind. She noticed it subconsciously and felt the urge to reach back out to see if he’s OK or to check on him. This was done at a subconscious level. At the same time, even if you go no contact (but still obsess over them, you’re dampening the effect) and it takes longer to work. Depending on how much you think about them and what they have going on at the time, they may never get the full effect.

No contact is intended for YOU to detach. Not to get them back. Otherwise, it’s ‘black magic’ so to speak. If the intent is to control/ manipulate them, I really don’t recommend using it. It will probably end up biting you in the ass in the end if you use it for that purpose and it works. It’s supposed to be a time for you to remove an unhealthy attachment or walk away from a bad situation. However, if you have to do all of this to keep them or get them back, you’re sort of interfering with their free will. Just saying. The difference is subtle, but it’s all about intent even though the effect may bring them back around.

However, the next level, higher level is to actually try to stop ruminating, obsessing, or thinking about them. It’s about detachment. If you have been in no contact, yet social media stalking, spying, or otherwise keeping an eye on them, your psychic energy is still feeding them and they won’t miss your energy as much. Narc’s especially NEED this energy. Even if they have a new supply. Think about it, when they are cheating or triangulating, they get the intense psychic energy of two (or more) people thinking about them.

The more people they can have emotional about them (good or bad), the more psychic energy they get. Often, they get greedy and used to having more than one source. This is pretty much why once a cheater, always a cheater rings true. One person cannot give them enough psychic energy to satiate them. They need the psychic validation. So if they are cheating or have ‘moved’ on, and the more you ruminate and obsess, the more energy they get on that subconscious/psychic energy field. Take that energy away, and they will have a desire or need to get it back.

Even if this is just a bunch of bullshit, I can understand how this can assist with the next level of healing. I have to let it go. Rumination is ruining me and my mental peace while at the same time feeding them and giving them free energy.

The point isn’t to get them back, the point is to detach to the point where you don’t have to have them back. Once you let go, they’ll be back. But then hopefully by that time, you wouldn’t want them back. At the very least be truly in a position where you could take it or leave it. In other words,

Trauma bonding and emotional abuse is effective because it keeps a person’s mind focused on the damage and pain caused by that person. The offender, (often times a NARC or one of those types of people) know that they could help you get over it, but they will get bigger hit of psychic energy if they never choose to give you closure. They want you ruminating. The don’t want you to talk about it about it with them. This causes you to think about them and give them that psychic energy they crave. I can’t say for sure if it’s a conscious thing that they do or if they know why they do it. But in the end, the result is the same. They crave your energy.

In order to ensure that you keep giving them energy, they set your brain up so that it ties itself up into knots trying to figure things out. You replay ideas, what they said and did, trying to figure out how they could do what they do, how you could fix it, and so forth. Empathetic overthinking people with low self confidence make for a great supply.

It also works in reverse. The reason why you’re feeling bad is because they are no longer giving YOU their psychic energy. You’re sort of a junkie for it. When they remove it, you’re feeling shitty because you don’t have it anymore. You crave it like a crack head craves a crack rock. Why else would you want someone back who doesn’t want you? Why else would you want to go back to that abusive or toxic relationship? The energy is unbalanced. You give them too much energy as they essentially starve you for from theirs. Any little bit of attention from them gives you relief, BUT here’s the kicker, it keeps you hooked. Quitting cold turkey is the best way to go. Letting go is quitting cold turkey. It’s easier to let go and detach when you can forgive, forget, and move on. The ego makes this harder because it wants revenge, closure, or some sort of justice in the case of someone doing you wrong. Or your mind remembers and crave the days of that validation. Again, it’s a dopamine high, it’s brain chemicals, it’s magic, it’s spiritual.

Be careful of falling for those who you have great chemistry with. Some people know how to manufacture that artificially in order to get you hooked. Narcs and sociopaths love bomb you for that reason in the beginning. They know that they get bored fairly quickly (subconsiously) and want to get their hooks deep into you before they leave. They put us under a spell and we think it’s love. Once secured though, they get the psychic validation necessary from you even after leaving.

Once you identify a person is like this, and they cheat, you can never take these people back, at least seriously because they will always need /miss / crave validation from the other person. Once they move on, best believe ‘your’ person will be secretly hitting them with the “hey stranger” text…. maybe even desiring to want them as a “friend”. It’s a no win. Many of these types have the ability to ‘cast a spell’ on their victims and are very dangerous to co-dependents or people with low self esteem issues. Ironcially, they are codependents as well in the sense of not having a real identity. They are chameleons and shape shifters adept at adapting in order to lure in their next source.

I observed this with the STBXW. She seems to take on the characteristics and interests of whover she’s dealing with at the time.

They are just who they are. I wouldn’t call them evil….no more than a wild animal who might eat you if you get too close…. but understand that a real level of connection, empathy, or what have you isn’t there. They don’t make for good life partners, but if you can withstand falling under their spell….maybe a good time….and if you learn how to control the energy, you can have a lot of fun with them. Women like this are, as they say “for the streets”. I believe that my stbxw if is one of those people.

So again, this is another reason to stop ruminating over all of this is because my pain becomes her nourishment in a sense. Not only am I hurting myself, I am also feeding her. The less I care/hold on/stress over it, the less supply she gets. While I am inviting myself to a possible hoover, I should be strong enough to withstand. The hoover is just a test after all. So, no thoughts about her, positive or negative. No contact is actually the easy part (easier said than done for sure) of this process. The next step is no longer thinking about her, what she did, what she’s doing, what she’s thinking, or how she’s feeling. Once my emotions are disengaged, I should be able to fully detach.

I have to break the spell she put on me and the only way is through radical detachment (apathy) and forgiveness. Just because I forgive her, I don’t have to take her back. Knowing what I know now, I could never take her back…. But before i even consider allowing her back into my life at all…I need to be completely sure I’m healed and over this. I’m not ready yet. Right now, it would be like a heroin junkie fresh out of rehab going to the trap house to hang out. I’m getting better, but no need to tempt fate. Besides, i still do experience pain and anxiety when my mind happens to be reminded or thinks about her. I’m still weak, but I am feeling a lot stronger.

Keep rocking!!!

Why is this so hard

Got damned. I don’t want her back!!!What f man? Why am I still in pain? What is this feeling about?

What am I holding on to and why is it so hard to let go? Day….whatever i lost count of No contact….i wouldn’t think i’d be in so much pain. It’s not like i really want to talk to her.

Seriously, there is NOTHING to go back to. If it takes me praying for her to be happy then I may have to swallow my pride and do so…..(give it a minute, before that happens) if she finds happiness with someone else, it wasn’t because I prayed for it. I’ll leave that up to God, fate, karma, the universe, or chance. Ya know. Whatever happens just happens, I just want internal peace.

I’m tired of feeling this way and I’d do almost anything to NOT FEEL THIS ANYMORE.

She fucked me over and I’m feeling bad about her leaving? What kind of ish is THAT? Why am I not ecstatic or at least relieved about the fact that she’s gone?

How much more self reflection and forgiveness do I need to do?

I really don’t love her like that. Not enough to take her back if she asked and definitely not enough to fight for her.

If I cannot make her happy, why should I care if someone else can? She’s not making me happy nor even cared to try. And since I obviously didn’t, then maybe that isn’t the right job for me.

She’s living her best life with no concerns about me and yet here I am in pain…..I don’t need her validation nor apology. I’ve accepted the fact that she’ll never feel bad about leaving. Spouses and families get left every day.

I’m not some special snowflake and I know this. Shit happens to the best of us. And yet rationally knowing all of this….believing it….accepting it…

Why in the hell am I feeling terrible about it … as if I 1)wanted to do something about it and 2)could do anything.

Like, she’s not worth it to me. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me back. I don’t want to hold her hostage in a place she doesn’t want to be. I don’t want her here out or guilt or obligation. Not to mention all the dicks that’s been in her mouth, ass, and wherever else dudes want them. I could never see her as mine again. I could never kiss or make love to her. She’s disgusting to me now. I don’t even want her sleeping in my bed if I’m honest. It would be like MAKING LOVE to a prostitute. Ugh.

I’m losing a disloyal, disrespectful, unempathetic, morally corrupt, selfish, secretive, shallow shell of a person. I should be on cloud 10 at the prospect that she actually WANTS to leave. It should be making things so much easier for me.

I can’t do this love shit man. It’s too much. My mind and body need to be in sync. This makes absolutely NO sense. Nobody is worth this sort of suffering. It would be too HARD to get past if she wanted to stay….so why the am I feeling like shit if she wants to leave?

What an absolutely curious mind fuck.

Oh yeah, I forgot…..This is Rehab. My brain needs to reset. The spiritual connection between us is severing. I am fulfilling my karmic duty. It’s supposed to suck.

I can’t believe that there are people out there still wanting to be in love. They can have that shit. Let me love from a distance. I’ll show love, but never fall again. I’ll be fair, true, and mostly honest. I wouldn’t put someone else through this. But as far as being ‘in love like that’ … hell to no. That shit ain’t love. It’s a drug or something. It’s crack cooked by Satan himself.

Stay strong me. We got this.

Growing Pains

I was reading the comments under a youtube video about ‘no contact’ earlier today and thought to myself…..”what a bunch of pathetic losers.”….wait, that sounds like me.

Ok, I’m not as bad as most of these people. They actually want their ex’s back. I mean like in a desperate way. This particular video was titled, what if they don’t contact you back during no contact. Or something like that. The answer is obvious that they’re either seeing someone else or have entirely moved on. Or maybe both. One person was no contact for about a year and was asking for advice. I’m like bruh….they’re not going to call you back. Another was saying that he gave it 6 months and is now desperate. Another guy said that he went no contact for 3 months and the girl ended up telling him to never call her again.

This is what you risk in infatuation. It really sucks and is quite pathetic to be infatuated with someone who doesn’t share the same sentiment. This video is helping because it further inspires me to get over the last little hump of completely freeing myself. It was like looking at an old photo and seeing how fat you were. It’s motivation to keep working out and to never go back there again.

I loved her way too much. She’s not even really that special if I’m honest. In fact, quite ordinary. Par for the course as far as women go. Sure, she’s pretty, but that’s fairly common around here and really a stupid and superficial reason to fall head over heels for someone.

I really don’t know what made me just give my heart to her like that. Well actually, we had great chemistry. Or so I thought. We used to be able to talk/text for hours in the day and then stay on the phone all night. It was like we never ran out of anything to say. (in fact, now that I think about it, it’s her m/o thinking now that i recall some of the text conversations she had with the people she cheated with). I used to wonder what in the fuck her and her affair partner could be talking about all the damned time. Duh. She makes it easy for people she likes. This woman is a man eater. She is a chameleon and will mirror back to you what you give her. She makes you feel a real connection. I remember thinking that she used to ask a lot of questions about whatever topic I brought up. Yeah, pretty, not argumentative, not outwardly materialistic and a good listener…. but also sneaky, secretive, and disloyal. LOL Good luck world.

Either way, I was still pretty damned stupid and blue pilled. There was no way in HELL I should have married her at the time.

Even worse, I lacked vision, direction, and purpose as a man. I still do somewhat, though I’m working on it right now. I do know now that you can’t be in a serious relationship without one. I had no clue what it was to be a real man and husband. I think I had a few ideas. But I was, and still am for the most part, a free spirit. Things don’t bother me as much as they probably should.

It’s endearing but not suitable for serious and lasting relationships. Shit i’m just learning a lot of this stuff. It was inevitable for this thing to fall apart without guidance and advice from elders. Not just the superficial bullshit you always hear. Counseling was pretty much a joke. I didn’t understand really how to maintain my frame. I just was blindly and stupidly in love. I was more concerned about making her happy than me. I “put that woman first” as the blue pilled simps and black feminists and r&b songs preached. I feared walking away. I made her my world.

Wow!!! I’ve learned a lot since then. Especially in the last 4 years or so. The redpill community has opened my eyes to a lot of things. The lust / infatuation I had for her was just not healthy and to be honest, looking back at some of the ways I behaved and handled myself, I’m pretty surprised she actually married me. She always made more money and it wasn’t like I was exactly an alpha. I boxed, did martial arts, and had one foot in and out the streets. I read and studied, but also got drunk and high on the weekends. But still, I wasn’t a “street guy”. I guess she thought (as far as masculinity goes) that I was the right combination.

So I should just let it go. I mean if she really loved me then she would have at least tried to fix things. I’m not really surprised looking back. Actually, I am a little because I thought having our family together was worth at least an attempt to try and fix. But then again, some women can get really wicked and cruel when they lose respect for you.

I can’t say that I deserved all of that shit. Bud to be honest, I really was simping pretty damned hard. Simping at best will cause a major loss of attraction….at most loss of total respect. I was majoring in simping and about to graduate with honors.

I WAS that guy my lover told me about. Literally and figuratively. Though I know there are still loads of well intentioned blue pilled men out there, I see NOW that it’s not a tenable state of mind as attraction is a huge part of any romantic relationship. Being on BOTH sides helped me see this fact more clearly. Thanks for the lesson luv.

In short, I failed. I dropped the ball. I mean, I had great intentions, but still. I wasn’t ready. Despite admitting this, I don’t give her a pass. She walked away from not just me, but our family. In the process, she betrayed me. Blue pill simp or not, I was a good friend and faithful.

Right now, I’m still not ready for a serious relationship. I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I’d even ever consider a real relationship.

I need to find out what the ‘next level’ is for me and focus on that. I need to know where I want to be in the future. I need to find a purpose. I need to put in the work to fulfill that purpose. I need a vision for the future and work to get there. I need to chase the bag and not my woman. I need to build wealth and stay focused on that, my body, my spirit, and my mind. I need more discipline….been working on it, but still have a ways to go.

Perhaps she was my karma in a way. I really can’t complain too much as in real life, it’s mostly my fault. Again, I acted out of ignorance. Though I thought I knew what it meant, I literally just understood what is meant by “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

I did this to myself in so many ways. So it really is best that I just let it go. I have to. Any indictment against her is truly a condemnation against myself. In a way, she was like a teacher. An insufferable evil bitch of a teacher, but learning the ‘hard way’ is never easy.

Right now, I’m feeling pretty contented with the situation. I know that there will be other waves of pain and anger as I go through this process. But hopefully this little sunshine is a sign of true healing. Letting go isn’t easy, but I’ve come so far.