Redpill Side Effects

As a means to heal myself from the side effects of being cheated on, I researched affairs online.   It happens a lot.   It seems that women are just as bad as men when it comes to cheating.  I’ve noticed that it often happens to “nice” or “good” guys.  Seriously, do a  google search on “I’m not in love with my husband”.   Many of these stories are heartbreaking.   Time after time I see where women say that their husbands are good fathers, providers, and friends.  Many say they are good husbands….just good for someone else.   They love, but aren’t “in love” with them anymore.  They are no longer sexually attracted to them.   Even if he makes good money, help with the kids, and are overall decent human beings the love just “fades”.   Some even say that others find their husbands attractive or funny.

Many men also report that their wives no longer “love” them, despite them being there for them.  It’s a really sad situation.   While the articles are usually pretty informative, the comments are where the real gold is.  It’s such a common occurrence and reading them have been a real eye opener.  The women simply lose interest, often cheat,  and leave these guys heartbroken, on child support, and paying alimony.   Usually the affair partner isn’t what they thought they were when the affair is over.   (He’s a cheater, duh)

IN my research, I’ve come across the idea of redpill and bluepill.  It refers to when Neo in the Matrix was offered either a blue pill to stay asleep keep living in the matrix or a red pill to wake up to “reality”.   In this case, the blue pill says that women are essentially “good” and fair minded people.  The red pill says that women are opportunistic and amoral at best.

Their love is conditional and is only valid until either they find a better deal or if they become “bored” with you.   It says that they can never truly love a man for who he is.  They only love for either self validation or for opportunistic reasons.

There are many stories definitely line up with this reasoning.  Of course, there are bad men out there, but I’m specifically talking about the “good” men who are dumped because their wives get bored.  The most damning (and heartbreaking) cases are ones where the wives want to love their husbands, did not cheat, but cannot find them sexually attractive anymore for some reason.  They often can’t explain it.   Half the time it’s because they are engaged in an emotional or physical affair with someone else though.

The common thread is that these men truly love their wives.  Many of these wives say they are only there because of the kids, financial issues preventing them from leaving, or they don’t want to hurt the guy.   It’s sad.

My wife is finally opening up to me again and she states that she wanted to leave.  She was totally enamored with the guy and felt “loyal” to him.  Basically  My feelings weren’t really as important as her ‘proving’ her love (my words, not hers) to him.  She apologizes and says that it was wrong, but it’s a scary feeling to know that during that time, she was so irrational and wicked to me.   I still don’t think she can look back and see how evil she was acting towards me and it’s scary.

I’m at a place where I cannot really trust her.  If influences of her biology can be compromised to the point where there is no reasoning with her, then it’s like keeping a wild animal as a pet.  You never know when she’ll change and if she does, there’s no reasoning with her.

Though I must confess that I’m hanging in there for the kid and to honor my vows.   I’m pretty sure that had I known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.

It’s messed up that society gives women a pass for ‘bitchy’ behavior.   It’s on us to be able to ‘handle’ her, and if we can’t then somehow she deserves better.   They want equal rights, but not equal responsibility.   We men must maintain self control, but women aren’t held to the same standard.   I’m not into “handling” grown ass people.   If you’re an adult, you should be able to control yourself and be responsible for the impact of your actions.

Now that I know about the irrational, hypergamous, and amoral nature of most women, and i’m starting to think my wife is in the category of ‘most’ women….I find that I don’t really like most of them.   At least not for a relationship.   I mean friends sure, friends with benefits….better, but as far as girlfriend or wifey….hell no.

They are too materialistic, too shallow, deceitful, unstable, complicated and picky.  Their conditions of loyalty is rooted in their feelings at the time.  They are more concerned with how things look rather than how things are.    Integrity is based on  their image to others.  They lose their sense of self in relationships, then viciously blame their partners if their lives didn’t turn out the way they wanted it to.  Their validation comes from external sources.  They care way too much about what others think.  They are selfish and passive aggressive at the same time.  Then, they don’t take personal responsibility.   They suffer from perpetual grass is greener and they think that their feelings equal reality.   Most suffer from a ‘princess’ syndrome.  In short most gen X and above women are narcissistic, shallow, and ignorant hypocrites.  They are much like those Donald Trump supporters who hated Obama and attacked his character.

At one time, I was a blue pill man.  I was willing to die for my wife.  I thought she really had my back.  I thought that love, honesty,  loyalty, and friendship was a solid foundation.  I now realize that it isn’t.   For me it’s foundational, for them, it’s just icing on the cake.   What’s foundational for them is that they look good for their “haters”.   The only way to gain compliance is if you don’t really love them.   They aren’t checking for good guys, they want players and men who sometimes have other women.  They are addicted to drama and get bored with peace.    The better you treat them, the more respect they lose for you.   Shitty behavior seems Alpha to them.

I swallowed the red pill.  I’m awake.  I can’t go back to sleep.  I feel torn between playing their game (getting dirty) and compromising my integrity so I can get sex….. or overcoming my biological desire for sex and basically become a monk.

Maybe the second option is more consistent with who I’d like to be.  If I were ‘good’ with women naturally, perhaps I wouldn’t be writing this.  Maybe I should be a monk and keep my focus solely on self improvement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My journey through limbo

Despite being done wrongly by my wife, for some reason, a part of me wants to work it out.  I hate to admit it though.  It’s a very small part, but enough to keep me from actively trying to find a way out.   Maybe it’s comfort, but I’m not really comfortable.  I cannot forgive her.  I mean I forgive, but sometimes I feel like I don’t want to get over it.  I don’t want to give her my all again.  My view of her has diminished in a huge way.   I don’t know if I can love her the same.   While apologetic, she doesn’t seem to get it.  This isn’t a regular story about cheating or even an affair.

In those cases, it doesn’t seem to be the cheater’s ‘intent’, to hurt the betrayed.  In this case, while “in love” with that asshole, he got some pleasure out of her humiliating me.  She was complicit.   How can I forgive her for disrespecting me on that level?  This was not a case of negligence, but truly a case of intent.   His sexual gratification and ego was stroked on the premise of turning me into a cuck.  He felt like a “better man” because he was able to get her to do certain things that surely guaranteed my humiliation.  Fetish or no, he’s a sick fuck.

Despite men (especially black men) not having much, our pride is really the only thing we have.  She chose to give it away so he could get a better nut.   Despite our son being the pride of both of our lives, she voluntarily devalued her son’s father to the point of complete humiliation.  I have to live the rest of my life knowing that a man did this to me and I was powerless to do anything about it.  I couldn’t do anything at all.  How can I look my son in his face knowing that I was so weak in that moment.  How can I look at him and ever be truthful about his mother.

Our friendship, what we had gone through, and what we built together was utterly meaningless.

While she may be “sorry” that she did that.   I don’t think she really gets how LOW that was.   Her only justification being that she felt “loyal” to him and that “we were beefing at the time” .  Still though,  we were beefing over her affair and that’s some pretty nuclear shit to do to someone.

It’s scary that her new loyalty to him led her to devalue a good friend to that point.  She says it was a ‘mistake’.  But to me, it says a LOT about her character.  I never thought she was perfect, but there are certain levels of betrayal beyond normal human fallibility.   How could she ever respect or have respected me (or even herself) to fall for some sicko’s weird fetish.   Is she that wicked herself, or is she just that weak?  What wouldn’t she do?  Shouldn’t his request have been a red flag that things probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run for them anyway.  Did she not question his character?

But yet, why am I still even considering this.   Even if for our son.  How could she ever respect me….ever.  The only way is to leave.  She’ll always know what she did to me and that I stayed despite that.  What does that say about me as a person?  How low is my self respect to stay with someone who did that?  Her level of remorse is pretty freaking low.   Despite her claiming to respect me, the words,  actions and repercussions of those actions require more than just a few tears and apologies. While she might be a bit remorseful, I dont’ think she “gets it”.

That said, she could very likely do it again.  The good news is that my expectations of her is really low.  I won’t say I couldn’t be surprised at anything she might do.  You just never know low someone can sink.     At the end of the day, if her character is of question, then I’d be just as foolish as her when she give her loyalty to him.

But yet why am I in limbo about this?  Why is there even a question on whether or not we should try to work things out?  Why was I waiting on her to “make her mind up”?  Do I need her validation?  Perhaps it’s the “nice guy” thing that keeps me here.  I have to fight that nature of wanting to “live and let live.”  Of wanting to forgive and move on.  I have to abandon the idea of some sort of “happily ever after” or “we overcame a difficult situation.”  She destroyed the marriage and I don’t know if I want to help fix it now.

This was a very tragic and hard chapter in my life.  I don’t know where to go.   I gotta leave.  I can’t look back.  It hurts because ultimately, now that I did stay for as long as I did, it’s my decision to leave.  I loved my family.  What we built, but she destroyed that.  She’d probably be more bummed out over losing her iPhone than me at this point.  I can’t keep living like this.   I’m so sorry for our son, but I’ll support him and do what I gotta do make it better for him.

For now, I have to figure out why I even considered doing this in the first place.   What’s so broken inside of me that I my instincts won’t allow me to just leave.

 

 

Limbo Madness

I may as well die now.  I’ve found happiness and in that happiness, discontent is still present.  Love.   The desire for those around me to have the peace i have is troublesome.  On one hand, i myself wrestle with the idea that it’s all nothing.  Meaningless.   No walls to attach myself to.  No reason except to exist.  To feel.  But even still, it’s all meaningless  in the scheme of things.   The ability to transmute and appreciate the clouds empowers, yet takes away any reason to not love the rain.

Ignorance is truly bliss.  Not as lonely for sure.   But yet even then, it’s all meaningless.  Why enlighten people on the bliss of acceptance when after that….just….is.

NO more suffering, but yet, no longer the hope of a brighter day.  When hope is lost, suffering leaves, but with that it seems like death.  No heaven nor hell.  Just awareness of the pointlessness of it all.

Perhaps apathy is the cousin of death.  Yet, at the same it is also the cousin of peace.   It so funny how the road leads back to the beginning.   I see no way out.   Either just enjoy the carnal nature of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain….or be stoic about it all.   Perhaps the goal is to seek pleasure without hurting others, pain is self inflicted.  It’s unavoidable….just as pleasure.   Choices….it seems to be the only difference between life and death.

And yet our options or limited.  It seems at times that the only thing I have control over is how i choose to feel and even that is a struggle.  Perhaps even an illusion.  I am sentient, self awareness seems to be in my control. but how much control of my feelings do I really have?

Unrequited love is a painful reminder of the struggle….how i wish i could turn it off instantly.  Even now, past the initial pain of betrayal and subsequent acceptance of “what it is’.   I still can’t say for sure if the “love” is still there unless she betrays me again.  But even then….will I truly know?

Am I even really good?  If I had the same ‘options’ would I hold to my vows at this point?  Limbo is truly a hell unto itself.  Not desirable, but yet better than the hell I was once in.   It’s a bit of consolation that Jesus Christ at least metaphorically went through the same journey from heaven to earth to hell to earth and finally back to heaven.   Assuming limbo is a place between hell and earth.

Painful indeed and I long for the days when the solid ground is back beneath my feet.  Hopefully I  can ascend to the “right hand of the Father”   once i’m back.  May God give me strength!!!

As of now, I’m learning (again) that life is what you make it.

But yet, I’m still wicked.   Honestly, I think that my choices are limited by my options….or lack thereof.   I accept that my personality isn’t optimal for many choices.  I don’t care.  I can’t.   I don’t live up to the status quo set by the world….and that’s ok with me.   Just wish i could find someone who did subscribe to the system.  I don’t even know why.

Perhaps the point is for me to conform.   But yet there is something empowering about not conforming. …i feel that the ‘world’ is wrong.   but yet it’s meaningless either way.  So I suffer in defiance, but still it’s meaningless.   Is the god of this earth money, fame, and instagram likes.  They KNOW human biology.  I am a man.  But yet, i fear that i don’t meet her standards…I am a soldier for something bigger than myself.  I suffer for something other than myself…even though a civil war rages inside of me.  I cannot submit to her.  It’s not in me.  But yet, I have to live with her.   No way out.

I gotta march on.   Bring what you will.  My will won’t be broken.  I’ll use your guns against you.  I’ll destroy you with your own bombs.  How can my enemy have mercy when peace cannot coexist without war.   How could I unless I have power….even then….but maybe we aren’t enemies….just being.