Dreams of the Future

For the last few years of my life, I’ve been feeling stuck. It’s like any decision as far as moving on with my life was quickly shot down due to every option seeming like a no win type of situation. This made it easy to just keep ignoring and putting off making plans. I was … and still am if I’m honest a bit fearful about how our divorce is going to affect the mental well being of our son. I think that he’s old enough now to overcome. The behavior between me and STBXW is no longer that of a loving marriage. We sort of tolerate one another and the lining in the cloud of this all is that she has for the past 2 years or so been living in NYC. He is used to not having her around, so maybe between her absence and his maturity…..he just turned 13 this year. He can be ready for the final step. Maybe he HAS BEEN, and I just wasn’t.

I think that the bitterness and anger at STBXW, ironically kept me in place. I don’t know how I can handle just not telling him the TRUTH about his mother. Without the truth, most specifically, his mother is a cheater and intentionally destroyed burned our house down (metaphorically)…it would seem to teach him that walking away from your responsibility is NOT an acceptable way to live life.

Yet, she has left me with two options…..either cover for her and validate her claim of “we just grew apart”…. or tell him the truth and hope that it doesn’t damage their relationship. The fact that it seems that I am the only one in this relationship that considers these sorts of things makes me realize that she never was a good wife. I question her ability to teach him the important lessons in life. I’d argue that left to her and her own devices, he’d grow up just as shallow, selfish, sneaky, and unaccountable as her.

This mostly hurts because I hate to let him down. I think I could have taken, being abandoned and then and left. Divorced and move on with my life. But it infuriates me that she doesn’t even consider how her selfishness might affect him. I’m angry with the fact that it seems that her family doesn’t try to correct her. Yet they claim that they loved me and kiddo. It makes me dislike the “sisterhood” because women seem to validate bad behavior between each other at all costs. Unless of course, they were on the receiving end of the bullshit.

Regardless of my anger, it’s time to move and I have to start thinking about starting over. I don’t know what this looks like for now. Once the divorce is over, I need to start looking for a new house. Because STXW is so hell bent on living in NYC, I’m going to have to assume full custody. The houses where we currently live are super expensive and renting seems to be the only way I can stay there for now. I am getting close to my mid 40’s and despite that disaster of a marriage. I think that I do want to try again. I want a family, a wife, and one or two more children.

Obviously, dating is going to be a challenge, but perhaps it won’t be so hard once we actually sign the papers and let kiddo officially know that we are no longer together. He is getting old enough to where he can be left alone for longer periods of time. This does however also mean that whoever I get involved with has to know that we’re kind of a packaged deal. At least for another 4 or years.

I make a pretty decent wage now and I’d like to already have a house (at this age) before finding a wife. I’d rather her move in with me until we either get into something bigger OR depending on the size of the house, we could be there together. My mentality has to shift (not sure why it hasn’t already) into it just being about me and kiddo.

I wonder if I’ll ever overcome this intense ANGER that I have for STBXW. I know I gotta let it go, but damn man, it’s so hard to feel like you intentionally got done so wrong by a person who is unapologetic and acting as if they’ve done nothing to you. It’s hard to just let it get even though you that they’ve gotten OVER IT and probably will never feel bad about it.

Sometimes I just wish that I could find that right woman and realize that all the pain and suffering I endured was worth it in the end because I never would have met her had I not gone through all of that. I do want to feel ‘lucky’ and ‘blessed’ that I found an actual WIFE and not just another immoral reflectionless demon pretending to be one.

In an ideal world, I’d find this WIFE and we’d share a true love/bond/connection…. have a few kids and raise them right….and I’d hear though the grapevine that STBXW was out there still getting ran thru, used and abused by finessers, players, and all sorts of wicked men. That she was constantly being cheated on, scammed, and seemed to be cursed to have to deal with the absolute WORST kinds of men. That’s she’d someday look on my IG and Facebook and see the life that me and my beautiful WIFE are building. See our beautiful kids and home. See the genuine love we have for one another and get hurt, mad, or pissed realizing that she threw that away for a finesser and her own selfishness. She’d realize that if she was the “good” woman she thought she was, then maybe we could have at it all. That maybe she was actually the one holding ME back.

Although I should not allow myself to get caught up into these types of fantasies. It does feel good to dream a little. In my world, homewreckers and side (chicks/guys) deserve ‘the streets’ and 10x the negativity they tried to put onto others.

Unfortunately, in reality karma doesn’t necessarily work the way that I think it should. Who knows what might happen and I cannot be worried about what she’s doing. I’m hoping that once I’ve moved to the next chapter, I wouldn’t even care what becomes of her. She’d be like any of my other ex’s in the distant past. I barely even remember any of them.

Making Progress

I finally got around to filling out the divorce paperwork. I had a revelation that STBXW just didn’t “love” me. Ironically, female dating coaches like Ace Metaphor and Derrick Jackson made me realize this. But it’s not in a way of them saying “if your man does…. x,y,z, leave him.”

It’s because of the fact that it seems that he has to tell these women that if the men in their lives aren’t treating them right…..then they should leave. I didn’t treat STBXW bad, not nearly as a bad as how these men treat/treated their women…..yet they had to be told to leave.

This lets me know that she couldn’t have loved me. IF a woman is willing to stick it out with a man who treats her like dirt….but yet this one was willing to leave me while I treated her fairly well…..then I can either conclude that the problem was….I didn’t treat her bad enough….OR she just did not love me.

In reality, the accusations of me not being ‘ambitous enough’ or ‘ not telling her that I appreciated her’ (untrue ftr), or ‘ not supporting her’ (another rewriting of history) through Nurse Practitioner school were all unfounded. The fact that she’s inconsistent in “the reasons” she was “unhappy” lets me know that she’s just looking for ways to justify leaving. We had a pretty good life and even those weak excuses (though untrue) were not justification in breaking up our home.

I am still angry and bitter about the position she put me and kiddo in. She created a scenario where I cannot be satisfied with the outcome. The unilaterally broke our home without even attempting to fix it. She unceremoniously cheated, then left me without ever first discussing her grievances. And in the process, destroyed our home. Yet it seems that she doesn’t feel an ounce of remorse over doing it.

I think my biggest problem is that despite doing this, she thinks she is still a good woman who ‘deserves’ to be “happy”. Despite willfully doing something so wicked, it’s like she doesn’t even grasp the gravity of matter. It’s as if she accidentally dropped and broke a glass off the table or something. Her thing is that as long as noone really knows what happened. It’s as if it didn’t.

It’s the lack of self accountability and lack of remorse that really gets to me. Perhaps it really doesn’t mean much to her since her conscious mind isn’t kicking in and saying that YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG….you should feel bad about it. It instead uses lies and half truths in order to justify her bad behavior. Her righteous ‘indignation’ against others who have either slighted her or who’s misdeeds have become exposed makes her the ultimate hypocrite imo. It’s like she doesn’t smell her own shit.

Her wickedness and selfishness has affected me to where it’s hard to see satisfaction without losing out in some way or another. Her betrayals and ability to do what she did guarantee that the trust is completely off the table. Therefore there is NO POSSIBLE way of working things out. She lost my respect through her actions. Yet this also means that my nuclear family has no chance of ever being. Which I think is unfair to our son. I’m put in a no win situation and only left with cope.

It’s sad and pathetic that she put herself first like that. Not caring AT ALL about the effects and ramifications of her actions onto her own FAMILY. Again, dishonorable and worthy of losing respect. Sometimes I really hate her for what she did to me and to our family.

I chose her, but I regret ever marrying her and bringing a family into existence with her. I wonder if the guys she meets can see her selfishness and stupidity. I really hope that someday something clicks her mind that causes her to truly understand how wicked she was in this marriage. Yet it seems that people like that NEVER get it and to believe that she ever would is giving her too much credit. If she had enough sense to “get it” she would have never done it. Its so hard to deal with people like that. They’re like animals. Not quite human. An empty vessel. I have no sympathy for them.