Why Moden Marriage is a Bad Joke

I always thought that marriage was an important institution necessary to establish and maintain communities by providing stable environments/homes for children.

Sexual fidelity (unless agreed upon by both parties) as well as open and honest communication is a necessary part of making it work.

It is work maintaining a household responsibly. Happiness….though ideal, isn’t the primary goal of marriage.

Yet in today’s society, it seems that people seem to believe that it is.

There are at least two conflicting schools of thought when it comes to marriage.

1. We can’t get divorced. (unless there are extremely serious issues…..like repeated infidelity or abuse)…..

And

2. We can and should get divorced if we are unhappy or grow apart.

I personally believe in the former…..but im starting to see that many, if not most people believe in the latter.

If 2nd position is the lens by which we view this…..then to me….marriage is pretty much pointless.

It’s just an expensive and meaningless ceremony sanctioned by the state that keeps lawyers pockets lined with money from family court hearings and divorce proceedings.

The vows taken …. (for better or for worse or till death do u part)….is simply an empty promise made during an emotional high. Those words really mean nothing.

And in a society where personal happiness and obligation isn’t always (most times not) mutually exclusive….and the former is the “law of the land” so to speak….. it’s really all pointless.

Not to say that marriage has to be terrible…..but often times….over time….the level of satisfaction with a single person does decline a bit.

People who have a lot of options tend to view what they dont have as favorable. And it very often leads to an elevated sense of dissatisfaction…..leading to a sense of unhappiness….which affects the lens by which they view their marriage.

This gives rise to all kinds of fuckery….including infidelity, falling in love with someone else, selfishness, or justification for being an asshole to their spouse.

Too many people feel like they are special snowflakes who deserve the most optimal level of comfort and convenience without having to put in any work.

They ask, what is the relationship doing for me vs what am I doing for the relationship. Self first and family second….and they come up with all sorts of justifications to enable these beliefs while never admitting that fact.

I’m not bucking against this trend.

People can do whatever the hell they want. I find the self serving pov of marriage as pointless and a waste of time though.

If we should just destroy the nuclear family because we want to try something new since sacrifice and obligation makes us unhappy then there really is no point.

Why put yourself through the drama, pain, and inconvenience of divorce when you already have the notion that it is an option.

It’s stupid. And on top of that….if you subscribe to the former definition of marriage….where we gotta do whatever we gotta do to make this thing work bcuz our kids, family, and community depends on us…and the other person doesn’t…..

You’re forced to make the tough choice of either staying with someone….who at the very least isn’t willing to treat u fairly…..doesn’t want to be there and has no problem with accepting the benefits without the accountability or violating the vows.

Often times, they will resent you for it. Will constantly cheat and treat you like dirt. Their self imposed misery will transfer onto you and you end up miserable as well.

Now you’re torn between obligation and ironically “happiness”….. by defacto, you become a hypocrite by wanting to give up.

As a man, you’re seen by society as a cuck or a beta simp…..

And added insult to injury….there is a legitimate case to made that there is something wrong with holding someone in a relationship that they don’t want to be in.

A double minded man in unstable in all his ways….

After being unstable for so long….I feel that im starting to lose it. I’ve already taken the low road insofar as having an affair myself in order to alleviate the pain associated with this…..as well as try to emotionally detach myself from my wife.

I know this is wrong on a certain level….but even if this “justification” is indeed just “an excuse “… i accept the badge of hypocrite without excuse nor apology.

Marriage just ain’t worth it and I’d like to seriously warn anyone considering it to think 2, 3, 4 times about it.

There is no honor is staying nor in leaving…..just pain and suffering.

To be clear, I’m not asking for sympathy nor feel that I deserve it….I’m just warning you

Puppy Kicker

So the wife has been much more open to talking and making plans for the future.   She has expressed that she wants things to work out with us.

I still don’t trust her.  My cousin summed up my trepidation by saying that it seems that she expects me to simply forgive her and that she didn’t even really show that she was sorry.   His words specifically, was that she didn’t even grovel and beg for forgiveness.

Yup,  as petty as it sounds, I think that is most of the issue.   She hasn’t shown me that she was really sorry.   I know people express things their regret differently, but the way she expressed it to me is no different from a person who isn’t sorry would.

I wanted her to voluntarily grant me access to her phone, send me articles or videos about how to heal and forgive, maybe get a counselor, or marriage counselor.    How about sex on demand for a  few months.   How about some head without asking.   Maybe writing a thoughtful letter or email…. something

As of now, all I get is the occasional, are u ok?   She wants things just to go back to normal.    But meanwhile, i did catch a glimpse of her phone one day and she’s still entertaining some guy.   When i called her out on it, she has the nerve to say….”oh that’s nothing.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe… for now anyway, just ride it out.   I mean even if I were single, I’d still have a LOT of responsibility in caring for our son.  meaning no time for a relationship anyway.   I’m not trying to fall in love with anyone.    At least i’d get to have my son under my same roof.

I don’t really love her anymore.  I read a verse in the book of ecclesasticus saying that if you don’t love your wife, don’t trust her.    I guess it implies that sometimes you are married to people you don’t love.    I don’t really trust her.  I know that I can’t.   But I wonder when the next dude comes along, how will I handle it.    I mean, I do know what i’m dealing with now, but at the same time, just as with the current guy, I can’t help but feel a little upset about it anyway.

She called me out the other day for not wearing my ring anymore.   I haven’t put it back on since the affair.   I tried once during her affair when i first thought it was over only to find out she was still seeing the asshole.   This was before the actual betrayal.

I personally think that she’s a psychopath.   She lacks empathy.    She’s codependent.   She’s sneaky and has no qualms about lying or cheating…..as long as she’s the one doing it.    There isn’t much depth to her emotionally and I really wonder if she actually thinks about anything.   I admire the fact that she definitely doesn’t overthink things and can shut her brain off.   But   I could see how it would be fairly easy for a manipulative person to take advantage of her.    Knowing what I know now, it’s not really hard to imagine that a person could get her to betray her family.

She might be a fun girl to have a good time with.   She’s not bad looking, but definitely not  wifey material.   At least to me anyway.   A wife for me, has to be trustworthy and loyal at least.   She should be empathetic….smart.

Beauty is wasted on a bad woman.  It’s like a streak dinner served on a garbage can lid.  Fortunately for her, a lot men don’t realize this and will do/say whatever to get sex and validation.   Thirst is the way of the world  it seems.

At this point, I’d be willing to take a bowl of chicken soup in a clean bowl over filet mignon served on a dirty plate.

A lot of guys say they don’t want a woman who is emotional.   I need a woman who can express her emotions and at be empathetic enough to understand that cheating breaks the person you’re with down.

Some people don’t kick puppies because they feel empathy for it.   Some people don’t because society frowns upon it.    If society thought it were ok, you’d a a lot more people out here playing kick puppy.    I desire someone in the former camp…..who wouldn’t do it, even if society thought it were ok.    (not saying she wants to kick a puppy, just an example of how she is ok with justifying bad things she feels she can get away with)

What I won’t do is go in on a mortgage with her.   If she wants me to stay, then fine, I’ll help with the bills.  But if things get too disrespectful, i just can’t take it anymore…..or if i do meet someone who does really love me like that (and the feeling is mutual), I need to have the financial freedom to bail to my own place with the minimal about of financial backlash.

It does eat at me to have to stay in this farce of a marriage though.  We play a good act.  I’m still convinced that he has no clue as to how serious things are.   Not a day goes by where I don’t regret falling for her and getting caught up in this situation with her.   But i guess that’s just life.

I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not doing this for her.  I”m doing it for our son.   Many people say that you shouldn’t stay married for the sake of the kids, but I wonder how many people do.  What secrets lie beneath that seemingly good 30 year marriage.   It’s not like our marriage is toxic on the surface.   Hopefully, I’m not subconsciously imparting negative behaviors into him.   Personally, I’ll tell him to never get married when he gets older.   Or rather at least try and vet the girl to the best of my ability.

Somebody pass the Henny.

 

 

 

 

Falling in love while married

It’s been said that love is one of the most powerful drugs known to man.    Many of us have been there.   Brighter days, exuberance, passion, spikes of creativity, and wanting to put our best foot forward.    The sex is nothing less than AMAZING.   We feel happy.   Fulfilled even.   The object of our affection is LOVE personified.   It’s like heaven on earth.  We’re more confident than usual.  Family, friends, and acquaintances may even say that we are ‘glowing’.

Beneath the surface, our brains are flooded with drugs such as oxytocin, dopamine, and vasopressin.   At the time, it feels that this love will last forever.  We couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.   We’ve found our ‘person’ and during this period which can commonly  last up to 3 years, we may get engaged/married, move in together,  have kids, and begin our lives together.

It’s a constant high.   The honeymoon phase of relationships bring out the best in us.   Unfortunately, it doesn’t last forever and as with all drugs, we eventually plateau off and begin to descend into a state of normalcy.   A new norm if you will.

Usually, the descent into normalcy isn’t abrupt.  We gradually sink into it.   That’s when we begin to notice things that annoy us about our partner.   While time and experiences have bonded us, we aren’t as “in love” with them.  The love is still there, just not as intense.  The new norm takes about 3 to 4 years after the honeymoon phase to reach a baseline and this is what many refer to as the 7  year itch.

As our partners grow familiar to us, we settle into a certain lifestyle and patterns.   We may take them for granted.   We put on a few pounds.   We become a little more selfish.  We begin to seek a sense of identity separate from our significant other/ family.   The sex starts to fall off a bit.  Instead of going at it like rabbits several times a day, we settle for once or twice a week.  The energy that carried us during the honeymoon phase diminishes ironically around the time our responsibilities increase due to kids, bills, and family life.

We know everything about that person.   Familiarity begins to breed contempt.   The relationship starts to feel more like an obligation than a vacation.   This is the time where marriage starts to take work.   Habits and rituals such as date night become very important.    A good sense of humor here can go a long ways.  It’s not easy, but this is where true love actually lives.

True love is a choice, where as being in love isn’t.   True love isn’t easy, being in love is.   True love almost always require sacrifice.   The sacrifices made for the sake of being in love doesn’t feel sacrificial.  If you’re reading this while in the throes of being in love, it may feel that this day will never come…and that’s natural.  Your love cycle isn’t really different (no matter how it seems at the time).    That day will come.    The best you can do at this time is prepare for the day by implementing positive habits and rituals now.

Unfortunately, most people don’t and when the time eventually rolls around, many people end up contentious and divorced.

One of the biggest mistakes people make during that time is taking on a lover or possibly falling in love with someone outside of the relationship.    If being in love while single is like cocaine, falling in love with someone else while married is like crack.  It is extremely sinister and is the cause of many broken homes.

Despite the intensity of having that “in love” feeling being gone, a solid spouse does fulfill many needs that we might take for granted over time.   They aren’t perfect, but due to it always being there, we often overlook or even minimize the contributions they make to our lives.   A new person may fulfill the desire for novelty in the bedroom or otherwise, but foolishly we can overlook what else they can bring to the table.

In their lustful desire for the new person, we can forget the importance of the family unit.   We magnify our spouses problems to justify being with this new person.   Just as we once did with our spouse, we are blind to this new person’s problems or issues (or either they seem cute or quirky).   The sex feels amazing.   The secrecy and novelty makes it seem even better.   We don’t feel as judged by that person ( knowing that we have a ‘safety net’ at home) so we feel more free to let our hair down so to speak.    We lust them more than our spouse.    We even bond over that fact that we’re doing something wrong together.   It feels so wrong, but good at the same time and those opposing dynamics spike an already intense honeymoon phase.

Normally, neither we, nor our lover can explain the intensity of our chemistry.  Those spikes of intensity can make us forget about the honeymoon phase we once had with our spouse.    They may be even more intense due to the situation.    Ignorant of the why, we’ll often chalk it up to finally finding our true soulmate.

We begin to justify our transgressions by exaggerating our spouses problems and downplaying their contributions.    Our brains may even rewrite history.    If our spouse begins to notice lies or subterfuge, they may begin to question us.   This causes even more issues and problems in the primary relationships.   Despite us being the cause of the problems, we’ll simply tell our lover that the marriage is having issues.   We begin to neglect our spouse, lie to them, and even gaslight them.   During this time of duress (probably brought on by us and our actions), they may begin to lash out at us.   Even more justification to continue seeing the lover.

This can happen to the most upright person if they allow themselves to fall in love while married.   While falling in love while single brings out the best in us, falling in love while married brings out the worst.   In order to continue to feel that feeling, we lie, gaslight, blame shift and effectively abuse a person we vowed to love forever.   We lie to ourselves and do things to others that we wouldn’t want done to us.

We somehow forget that we are effectively hurting our spouses and children by destroying their family unit.  It is no longer important enough for us to work at….even though we might “go through the motions” to justify why the marriage couldn’t be saved.  Many times while still seeing/communicating with our lovers.   We become extremely irrational and blind to the emotional abuse we’re causing our spouse.

The was a reason that many ancient civilizations punished marriage infidelity through shaming or even death.

The intensity of honeymoon phase love is truly a drug.   Even when exposed, many spouses still secretly try to see their lover.   If no contact with the lover can be enforced, many of the cheating spouses feel lethargic or depressed.   There have been many accounts where cheating spouses feel that they are addicted to their lovers and simply can’t let go despite knowing the damage they’re causing.    This is due to the chemical cocktail still in their brain.   Quitting during this phase is very much like the withdrawal process when trying to get off of an addictive drug.

This is not to say that the new relationship would have flourished though.   Many reports show that relationships that begin from infidelity often fizzle out and the fallout is much worse than a regular breakup due to the cheater finally realizing the cost of their actions (destroyed families, damaged children, abusive behavior,  etc) once it’s all said and done.

While there are exceptions to the rule, it rarely turns out that someone isn’t negatively affected by all this and it usually takes the form of psychological issues with the children.    It can take the jilted spouse years to get over this and depending on how old they were when it happens, many may never recover fully.

With divorce and infidelity on the rise, this is becoming a new norm.   Broken homes, child support, and spousal support are becoming common terms in today’s society.   Movies and television normalize this even further.   Many people are taking cues from the lives of dysfunctional celebrities and feel that it’s no so bad.

If you find yourself falling in love with someone while married and with kids, you should really consider what you’re doing to yourself.   You’re truly walking a very thin line and it will very likely result in extreme pain for your spouse and children.   This new person is NOT special.  Your love is NOT special.   It will likely end badly for everyone involved.   Nearly everyone thinks that it will work out in the end, but it rarely does.    In fact reports show that relationships that begin in this manner have a higher failure rate than average.    This is due in part to the fact that cheaters as by evidenced with their infidelity have poor boundaries and poor coping skills.   As it is often said, “If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.”

Despite feeling like it, you are not thinking clearly.   .   GetYou are a drug addict who justifies harmful or wrong actions in order to feel good help.   All relationships have issues.   These actions are causing you to become an effective psychopath who is unable to empathize with those you harm.   

It’s been said that the actions taking during war changes people.   These actions are changing you into a person who can hurt people in order to get your way.   The abuse of your spouse and death and destruction of your family unit at your hands is something that will either haunt you forever or allow you to be able to do it again.

On the flip side, if they can do it to someone as important as their family, they will also have the capability of doing it to you once the honeymoon phase subsides.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Same ish new day

The problem with cheaters and liars is that they don’t always lie to you.   In fact, I’d say that they probably speak mostly the truth about most things unless they are pathological.  But for the most part, they speak the truth except in cases where it really matters.

Being on the fence this long has gotten me to realize that I don’t really want things to work out with my wife anymore.   I’ve heard enough lies that I really can’t trust her.  I’ve watched enough videos online to know that cheaters will continue to lie, even though they promise you the truth.   And even in the face of evidence, they will justify, rationalize or outright deny unless you catch them in the act.   Even then, from what I’ve seen over and over it’s “wait….it’s not what it looks like.”

My lover is pulling away and I don’t know if it’s because she’s going through something, simply wants to distance herself, or has potentially found someone else.  I’m ok with it.  At least rationally as I really can’t see how our differences could keep us together for long.  There has to be much more to a relationship than great sex.   I’m hoping that my emotions won’t get the best of me.   We’ll see how it works out, but for now, I’ll fall back and let her reach out if she feels like it.

My therapist  says that kids tend to bounce back as long as the parents aren’t bitter.  I’m hoping that he’s right.   He asked if i had thought about what life would be like if we divorced.   I hadn’t, I just get to the point in my mind where i see the awful conversation and think about other things.   But now, I’m thinking, I’m going to have to rip the band-aid off as this thing could become a festering wound if i don’t take action.

The truth is that me and her are not good for each other.   While I hate to be just another divorce statistic, I really can’t trust her in fidelity.  This causes me to pull away from her.  I’m not in love with her, and this isn’t about happiness….it’s about being in a situation that’s beneficial for both of us.   She can’t be happy, even though from my eyes, she keeps shooting herself in the foot through the lies.

She’s really just like most of the women out here that men be complaining about.

She’s emotionally vapid and i’m too empathic.   This is a toxic combination where I end up worse off.    My pride and ego is obviously greater than my love for her and possibly the love i have for our family unit.

So at this point all talk of buying a house after this leasing term is up is out of the picture and I need to start figuring out where I’m going to stay.   Logistics on custody and after school care and finally how to actually get the divorce.

This does require that I face certain truths head on.  If I tell her my plan now, I have to accept the fact that she may double down on dealing with whomever it is that she’s entertaining now.   I have to accept the idea that she may and likely will begin to start lining up / more aggressively begin the campaign of getting with him.   Strangely enough, while I don’t really want her like that, i don’t want to be living with her while she dates another man.

He probably doesn’t care.  I’ve come to the conclusion that most men put thirst before honor.   A large number of men are simps and never consider that if she’ll cheat with you, she’ll probably cheat on you….or, they simply say that these women are for the streets and tell her whatever she wants to hear in order to get into her panties.   Not sure where he lies on that spectrum, but I suppose it really has nothing to do with me at this point.

Eventually though, I will move on and perhaps this short term disgrace will turn itself around when I finally regain my independence.

 

 

You are not you in an Affair

 

Men and women fall in love with married people every day.   They don’t care about how hurtful, disrespectful, damaging, nor immoral it is.   All they care about is getting that “hit” from the object of their affection.

Some even see it as a way to make them feel superior to the next man/woman.   “I’m a better man than him because I was able to pull you away” or “I’m a better woman because he wants to be with me more.”

People give all sorts of excuses.   The bottom line is that very few people feel the intensity of “honeymoon love” after a few years.   There is nothing like it.  It’s the most potent natural high you can get.    There is no comparison between the slow burn love of a long time married couple and the intensity of the hot bright love of honeymoon lust.

The thing is, you never know what comes on the other side of that honeymoon lust.   How many couples start off pledging and vowing to always be there for each other, and swearing that it’s the best sex ever, and unable to get enough of each other…..only to later hate each other as passionately as they once loved each other…..or regretting that they ever met that person.

It might develop into something more stable, but again, what happens once you have that family, children, and stable love… and then you fall for attention of that hot new chick in the office who’s been eying you.   Or that charming and mysterious guy who slides into your dm’s.

The honeymoon phase in that situation causes you to cherish the memories and hardships of your current love a little (sometimes a lot less).   Your brain looks for excuses to dislike your current partner.   The once little things that slightly annoyed you become huge problems for you.   Your libido may come back with a vengeance and you begin to think of the new person as you once thought of your current one.

The funny thing about the human mind is that it justifies whatever the hell it needs to in order to get what it wants.   So as you are in the throes of lust for the other person, you don’t think what you’re doing is wrong.   Or at least you justify it to the point where it doesn’t seem like such a big deal.

You say things like.    “I deserve happiness.”   (really, at the expense of your family).   “The kids need should have two parents who love each other.” (you do love each other, you just want someone else).    or “I never really loved him/her like that.”  (really, would you have married him/her if you didn’t).      “The kids will be just fine.”  (previously, would you have ever risked putting your kids through that much damage without it being a life or death situation).

Falling love with someone else while married brings the absolute worst in human nature out of the cheating person.   They lie, cheat, gaslight, and blame the current partner for their indescretions.   They don’t care who they hurt and often play the victim in order to justify their immoral behavior.    They are disloyal, treacherous, and the sad part is that they still feel like a good person.

The feel that they were left with no choice.    Their spouse is “unsupportive” or “verbally abusive” in their eyes because of simple disagreements.   And their minds make them actually feel that way.

The cheater is like a drug addict at this point and nothing can make them change.   They become irrational.   They are not themselves.   Their sense of morality is warped.   They kind of know what they’re doing is wrong, but their brains won’t let them really see the truth because it would mean giving up the feeling that the drug (their partner) gives them.

Again, they will lie, gaslight (if they’re caught), blame shift…..even if they were previously a decent person.    Call them out on their behavior, give them examples, show them and they will NOT see it that way…..or they will not care and continue to do it anyways.

Show them this or any article and they will not even care or they really literally cannot see or feel remorse at the moment.  They may not admit it to you, possibly not even themselves.   The human mind is quite remarkable in it’s ability to subconsciously compartmentalize our own wrongdoings.

I’ve read many articles where the spouse says that a person in an affair isn’t the same person they married.   That once sweet, loyal, and moral person become cruel, wicked, and deceitful.  A person who could almost never lie becomes masterful at it.    Again, this is very similar to a person who is addicted to drugs.   People addicted to herioin/crack or any other powerful drug will do anything including steal from their loved ones, perform certain sexual acts,  possibly even kill in order to get their next hit.   They feel justified in doing certain things that their previous selves would have never done.

It’s only until they hit rock bottom will they begin to see the damage and destruction they’ve caused.    Even then, if they acknowledge it, there is no guarantee that they can or will get the help necessary to stop.

I’ve read many affair recovery stories where the person realized the damage they were doing, but felt compelled to continue with the affair partner in secret.   Breaking away to many of them felt some form of psychological rehab.

Seriously ask yourself, when has it ever been hard not to contact someone.    Do you think that it would be difficult not to talk to a good friend or family member for a year?  Sure you  might miss them, but it wouldn’t feel like torture not to hear from them.    Just saying.

I’m not sure why the bond between people enaged in affairs seem stronger than in a regular relationship.  Perhaps it is satan’s version of the true love that man and woman is supposed to have.   As with all things ‘evil’ things are great on he front end, but there’s hell to pay on the back end.

Here’s the funny thing, it’s been reported that if the marriage ends because of the affair.   The affair relationship very rarely lasts for too much longer after that.   No matter how intense it seemed to be in the beginning.    Of course there are exceptions to the rule.   But everyone thinks that they are the exception.

The bottom line is that people no longer respect marriage.   Many think it’s just a game.  They don’t care about the moral implications of breaking up a home and family. However, getting caught up with a married person is probably the most addictive and dangerous thing you can do.  It’s also selfish and immoral.   I mean seriously, just imagine if that married woman/man left their partner to be with you, only to secretly do it to you too.

It would hurt you more than you’d imagine.   Search for it on youtube.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Positive Expectation

Next to self amusement, (basically the ability to make yourself laugh and have fun without the validation of others) is another powerful concept that the PUAs like to call positive expectation.

The simple explanation is that you get what you expect out of any given situation at any given moment.    If you expect things to go well, then they will and if you expect weirdness and awkwardness, then there you have it.

Expectation works on a meta/subconscious level at times and it really ties into to how you feel.    It’s almost as if manifest the conditions to confirm your feelings.

The key here is focusing more on WHAT YOU WANT as opposed to focusing on WHAT YOU DON’T WANT.

 

Fear what?

Lately, with no modafinil, and very little alcohol in my system, I’ve been noticing that the former fears / problems of my youth seem to slightly creeping up again.    Social anxiety is what they call it even though, I don’t really like to call it that.

It’s strange.  I don’t really feel a fear of people, i don’t think i really care about being judged negatively by others, and I don’t really feel afraid on the inside.   I just noticed that I feel a bit, self conscious.    Now, come to think of it, I did relapse on the no fap commitment over the weekend.    Confirmation that it really does work.    I have been doing it for so long, that I got used to that area of confidence in my life.

That said, I do feel a bit of anxiety about not being able to “think on my toes” as quickly as I’d like to.    This has nothing to do with nofap.   No fap doesn’t seem to make me more sociable, funnier, clever, or more witty, but  I at least I seem to feel more ok about the lack of that ability.

I saw two woman today and didn’t talk /flirt with them.   Of course, I rarely do anyway, but still, today it felt a bit weird because deep down I felt that I should have said ….something flirtatious.

Maybe i just don’t know how.   My conversations seem to be either dry, matter of fact, simply small talk or deep political/philosophical/religous discussions.    I can usually get by on those on a day to day basis with most people in my life as the time of my interactions with them are usually very limited.

But i do wish that I had the lowered inhibitions that alcohol seem to offer.   Oddly enough when on modafinil, I can talk all day and am not necessarily funny or witty, so it seems to mask the lack of lively conversation.

I have to admit that I am a bit jealous of people who have/ can flip those conversations into something clever or witty.    I don’t have to have Mark Twain one liners ready all the time, but at least some of the damn time.   I don’t know if most people have this ability or maybe it’s just that my mind only focuses/remembers those who do.    I don’t really watch interactions that most people have with others (outside tv or the internet) so i can really say if I’m just average/normal in that regard or not.

I assume they have witty/clever things to say or have “personality” with most people they interact with.

The thing is I don’t know how to do this.    It’s been 40 years on this earth you’d think I’d have this figured out by now.   I mean, how can i lower my inhibitions and self consciousness so that I can just flow freely.    I don’t really ‘know’ my own personality.

From what I’ve gathered, it seems just spontaneous.  Almost automatic.   Like walking/running/putting on a shirt or what have you.  You don’t think about it, you just do it.    People just don’t concentrate on “say this” or “I should say that”…..it’s like, they just say it.

They say to try not to be in your head.   And i don’t.   I don’t have anything to be nervous or anxious about, my mind is blank.   And i do beleive that for the most part, most people’s are.    But it’s as if a spark or something hits them and boom.   Full expression of their personality and if they’re good, it’s funny clever and appropriate.   When i try to do this, I end up saying something stupid or lame.   No….not even like u can play it off…..just stupid and lame.

I saw a neighbor in the store the other day:

Me:    Aye what up bruh

He:     Hey man, I almost didn’t recognize you.   What u been up to?

Me:   Man just trying to get away from all these folks in the quarantine (as i’m walking into the grocery store)….looking all scruffy becuz i can’t hit the barber shops.

He:   Yeah it’s crazy.

Me:   Yeah man, take it easy bruh.

It really didn’t bother me and outside of being kind of a stupid thing to say at the time, as I was actually going somewhere where people were, i dismissed it as acceptable (barely).    At the time it felt awkward and forced, but in retrospect, it was probably not so bad and i know that he probably never gave the conversation a second thought.

I met this girl today at the rim shop where I went to get my tires fixed.  Yeah, she worked there and was probably being a little more flirty to try and make a sale.   Ok, not flirty, but i felt that she was feeling me a bit.  It’s hard to explain.  You just know.   Either way, in my mind, I wanted to say something funny to make her laugh and …. NOTHING.   I had nothing.   I didn’t make it weird or anything, I just kept it surface level, business as usual.

This is the crux of the problem.    Having nothing to say, I say nothing.   I could force it and regret saying something stupid.   I could have asked about her job or something.  Driving lyft has helped be be better at asking questions (it’s been a while, so maybe i’m a little rusty?).    Either way, i wasn’t really trying to go for friendly, but rather funny.

Pickup teaches that self-amusement is the key to all this.   The ability to entertain yourself and feel good about it at the same time is a primary takeaway that the best pickup artists i’ve heard speak on.

Self amusement seems to go out of the window at times though….especially if i’m stuck in the every day grind of life.  Truth be told, i often forget to just have fun throughout the day and im instead passively listening to youtube videos while doing my work all day.

Maybe i gotta work on that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s going on here?

There seems to be a sort of gender war going on and noone really knows what the hell is really going on.

On one hand, you have so many single women (in the atlanta metro area anyway) who say that good men are hard to find.   On the other, you have a ton of single men who say “women ain’t shit.”

Are all the “ain’t shit” people ruining /scaring all of the decent people off the scene?

Here’s the way that I see it.   There could be a way that both sides are right.   It can be summed up quite simply.

Women are horrible at picking men.

They say that a person is only as faithful as their options.    I believe that this is partially true.    The more options one has, the harder it will be to maintain faithfulness over time.    Actually, it’s options and opportunity and that’s just the beginning.

The red pill idea of the 80/20 rule perfectly explains why women think that most men “ain’t shit” and have a ton of options when it comes to women.    For those who don’t know, it’s speculated that 80% of women are attracted to only %20 of men.    Or you could also say that 20% of men are getting 80% of the women out there.

Chances are very high that the women complaining are dealing with or are interested in a 20% man.    The other 80% are essentially invisible to them.   Those guys are the friends, neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. who pass them on a daily basis, but who aren’t attractive enough (physically, financially, or personality wise to garner a second look.)

20% men aren’t necessarily horrible people overall, but there are certain personality traits that are very common in this demographic.    These often (but not always) include narcissism (often seen as high self confidence),  machiavellianism (seen as dominant/ “big dick” energy”), and psychopathy (seen as cool under pressure, social intelligence).     You could research “dark triad to further clarify these traits.

In an ironic twist, the very things that “attract” them in real life are the very things that end up burning them in the end.    It’s the classic moth being burned by the flame analogy.

What’s even more confusing (to them and many blue pilled men) is that women often cannot or will not admit that they are actually attracted to men with those characteristics.

If therefore, they find themselves mostly attracted to and in love with men who share those characteristics, then it’s really no wonder that they think that most men ain’t shit.  It’s what they experience so it’s what they know.

They assume that most men are 20% men because they men they’ve dealt with on that level are 20%men.   Again, keep in mind that the 20% man has no problem with getting women’s attention, thus cheating isn’t really a problem for them.    In fact, the characteristics that attract them in the first place is the reason why they have no problem with cheating/lying/running around.

Outside of the 20% are the leftovers:

There is another segment of men who aren’t in the 20% who would probably do the same things that a 20%er would if they had the chance.   These men are usually blue pilled simps,   I’d say that they are overall average guys.     I can’t be sure what percent of the population that is, but i’m pretty sure the number is high.    Let’s call them self average joes.

You can tell these guys by asking their expectations of women.   They usually follow the instathots on instagram.   They are the guys who’ll do anything to get sex.    They lie to get sex.   They’ll sleep with their friend’s girls.   They have no problems with sleeping with married/taken women.  Don’t mind being a side dude.   They are the thristy dudes in every baddies dm.   They fall for the thirst traps.    They don’t realize that they are lacking, but will cling on with dear life to a woman if they get one while cheating/or attempting to cheat in the process.    Like the 20%, his confidence is really high.   That alone is enough to get him some women.

Another subset of guys are the incels.  Short for involuntarily celibate.    These guys are socially awkward, have bad hygiene, and poor dispositions.    They may or may not have confidence, but either way,  they are often ignored based on either their sense of entitlement or victim mindset.   They are, for the most part, unattractive overall in both appearance and personality.    While many may be smart/intelligent or excel in certain areas, they are just off putting to be around.   The more confident they are (often armor for their insecurities), the less they are willing to self reflect.    They are quite vocal in their judgement of others while they seem to ignore their own flaws.

Another set is the once bitten twice shy men.   I think this is where the MGTOWS and redpill camp come in.    They’ve been burned by marriage or relationships.   I think that many good guys are in this camp.   They were probably just like the average joes in stature, but they really wanted to be good guys in their relationships.    These are the family guys who’s girl ended up breaking their hearts.    They are usually more introspective and laid back, but are generally honest and fair.    The thing that makes them unattractive is that they are boring and can be quite predictable.    These are the men that women say that they want, but end up cheating on.

After being broken hearted, these guys tend to take a hands off approach to romantic relationships.    Many are the emotionally unavailable types, but can be quite loving and charming when together with a woman.    They don’t have all the ‘game’, but are decent overall.    These guys would make good fathers and often good lovers, but something (too boring maybe?) cause women to end up losing attraction to them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well cuck me then

I’m such a pussy when it comes to my family it seems.  For some reason, I just can’t find it in me to be the one who leaves.  Perhaps it’s the innocence I see in him right now as kid.   I know that other kids go through and survive their parents splitting up.   But how toxic are those households?

We don’t really fight that much and he loves us both dearly.  From all appearances, at least to him, things aren’t that bad.   And truth be told, they aren’t …. at least surface level.   As a man, I feel it’s my obligation to carry the burden and it isn’t my right to leave because of something as pussy as emotional distress.   Maybe that’s how I was indoctrinated and if that’s indeed the case, society did a great job (from an effectiveness standpoint).

I guess some people will understand and some won’t.   I’m not a glutton for punishment even though I could see how others might say that.   I’m not a martyr and I don’t expect any sort of recognition for sticking it out.   It’s like working out or running, minus the satisfaction of getting the results.   But it’s something that I might just have to do.

He’s a child.  I had 35 years so far of a pretty decent life overall.   I had my fun.  Not to say that the end is here as far as that goes, but it is my responsibility.    I made my bed and maybe I have to lie in it.

I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to love her as much as I once did.  I definitely don’t trust her….and as far as I can see, I have no real reason to.   She’s not a horrible person to be around, but given that I don’t want to be in love with anyone anyway, what do I have to lose?  Great sex is good and all, but can I really break his heart over the fact that I won’t be getting as much sex?

She trapped me.   Better yet, I trapped myself by setting this whole scenario up.   I shouldn’t have gotten married, had a family, and promised to keep it.   I didn’t run down all the possible ways this could play out, but as they say, the only 20/20 we’ll get is in hindsight.

I don’t understand how it’s just so easy for other people to just leave their families.

I understand the consequences if I do choose to stay.   That it is very likely that she’ll cheat again, possibly end up leaving, and his heart will be broken anyway.   That I will have wasted this last part of my prime years.   That he’ll never know the sacrifices and pain it took to for me to stay.    And that’s ok.   I’d have it no other way.   He deserves a family.   As broken as it is, it feels like it’s all on me to give him the childhood he deserves.

And that is reward enough for me.

 

 

Time to split or get off the pot

Time is quickly winding down until the end of lease date.  From there I’m going to have to determine whether or not to stay married.  Man.  This is so hard.   I really don’t want to disappoint/hurt my son.   He really is clueless as to how bad things got between us.   It also seems that I’m going to have to be the one who pulls the plug.

Never get married folks.

I don’t think that the wife is carrying on any affairs right now or it would seem that she isn’t really entertaining anyone.    At least, she isn’t tethered to her phone all the time and seems to want to spend more time to hang out.

The problem is that I don’t love her like that anymore.  I was wondering if I could fall back in love, but I really don’t want to take the risk.  I don’t really want to fall in love with anyone at this point, so it isn’t really her.     In addition, she wants us to purchase a house that’s outside of an amount I’d be comfortable with (we can’t really afford it), even if we were on good terms.

At one time, I would have just caved in.   In the name of “happy wife, happy life.” I would have tried and done anything just to keep her happy.   Now, not so much.   I’m not even sure if I want to be married…..let alone on the hook for paying for “too much” house.

She wants to vacation, she wants a nice house, we’ll need new cars, and her solution…..well, we can start a home business, get additional part time homes….etc.  Her friends and family co-sign with the idea.

Look, I’m no financial guru, but I know that overspending for your “dream” house sounds like a recipe for disaster.   Due to the fact that we’ve been on bad terms for the last 3+ years due to her affairs and not giving AF about it, we haven’t been saving, budgeting, nor preparing for this.    We’ve been on the fence about staying married, ignoring important conversations about the future (due to her stonewalling and dismissive behavior), and now suddenly she want to buy a house together?

I need to make a decision and stand on it.   I feel hypocritical that I am in violation of my vows for better or for worse.   I used to say that marriage isn’t about how you feel, it’s about making the best of a situation you vowed to do.   You bring the energy to the relationship as opposed to letting it control you.    Yet this is hard.

There is so much water under the bridge.   So little trust.   No sex.   We’re on different pages about pretty much everything when it comes to finances.   It’s just not a good place to be in.

Even if i convinced her to move into a cheaper home, she’d probably end up resenting me for it.   Plus, I really don’t want to be a position of helplessness as she’s proven that my feelings/respect/emotional well being aren’t worth sparing in the name of her happiness.

This short sided decision to buy this house despite me protesting and laying out reasonable, logical arguments is just another reason to cut the cord.   Am i being unreasonable here?   It seems that I”m always in a lose/lose situation when it comes to her.

Stay and be hurt or leave and hurt the kid.    Cheat and lose the high moral ground or get no sex while she cheats with no fucks given.   Violate my vows or sacrifice emotional well being.   All these tough decisions over someone who really doesn’t give a fuck about me like that!!!

Damn.  I always thought that being “unhappy” was not a good reason for divorce.   But maybe i need to rethink this.

Her excuse for cheating was that she was “unhappy” so I figured that it was wrong to destroy our family over that.  At least without trying to fix it.    Maybe that’s why I’ve been struggling with this.   The difference is that she never told me that she was unhappy nor ever gave me any reasons as to why.   To me, it sounds like she just wanted to be with someone else….or either thot around for a while.   While I can’t blame her for how she felt/feels, I can blame her for how she treated me.    I didn’t deserve that.

As for me, I think I have legitimate reasons.   She’s given me plenty.

I mean it isn’t like I suddenly got attracted to someone else and made up excuses as to why I’m unhappy.    It isn’t like I haven’t expressed things I’d like for her to change.   She KNOWs why I’m unhappy and didn’t do a damn thing about it.   It wasn’t even like those things were acceptable behavior towards a person you claim to love and care about.

Betrayal, threatening to take my kid away, and just leaving me destroyed while she fucked other men…..throwing it in my face, despite my tears and pain, and leaving me out to dry….. in spite of never telling me she was unhappy before doing it.   She didn’t worry about how this would affect me or even our kid as long as she was getting her sexual/emotional fix.

She did admit that she felt like she humiliated herself with doing those things her ex affair partner told her to do to me, but even IF that is the case, how could she respect me at this point?  How could she ever have respected me?

There is too much water under the bridge.   At this point, I’ve violated my vows (at least the fidelity part) anyway.    Despite me doing what I felt like I had to do.  And it seems to have helped (at least temporarily) the acute pain I was in…. i think cheating helped me lose the personal attachment which was hurting me so bad.

I know that you shouldn’t point the finger before looking at yourself first.   I have and I know I wasn’t perfect.   But I was always there for the family.    I never violated her and would have done anything to make her happy or at least try.

Yet for some reason, it feels wrong to have to be the one who does this.