Live Evils

I used to think that most people, by and large were good. I mean I believed that there were pretty shitty people in the world, but for the most part, I think I was naive to how bad they were. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely clueless, but I thought pretty much everyone thought like me in the sense of living by the golden rule.

As time goes on, I am starting to believe otherwise. The scary part about this is that I’m starting to wonder if people who do wicked things even know that they are wicked in the first place. I think this wake up call from my wife probably started this. However, looking online at the comments on videos, I am starting to believe that she isn’t really rare in her thinking.

It’s so easy to find wicked women who lie, cheat, and gaslight the men in their lives, but yet still think that they are “good” women. Either that or they know that they are wicked, but just don’t care. I think my wife is wicked…..I mean wicked is as wicked does….. yet she somehow thinks she is deserving of real love.

She lies so much that it’s a bit disturbing. I jokingly confronted her about trying to cast a spell on her current lover in order to get him to leave his girl. Normally, I don’t recommend snooping, but with her, I have to in order to keep my sanity. She lies so much and so convincingly that if I didn’t, I’d probably start believing her.

She actually has done research on how “love spells” and even hired a so called “psychic” who gave her some sort of love candle or something. She lied to me and told me that it was a chakra candle to “align” her chakras. Complete bullshit. I know a bit about chakras and was quizzing her on her understanding. She could tell me nothing. The lack of self respect she has for herself in this matter has completely dissipated any remaining respect I may have had for her. I tease her saying that she gives off “side chick energy”, but she completely denies it. Though her lover has a girlfriend she is desperately trying to get rid of. It’s sad that she shares a guy, but it’s even worse that she wants them to split when they have children together.

I mean seriously… doesn’t she think that if a person will cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. I think she’s also seeing her so called male “best friend” on the side from time to time. I saw where she texted him about coming to see her a few nights. She also told him that I was still salty about the fact that he slept with her and she invited him over to the house. They just laughed about it and she told him how much she can’t stand me. He pretty much responded with an “oh well”….. and asked to see her tits.

TBH, I’ve been over it, but she has sunk so low in her moral character that there is no way I could ever like ever be back with her. I am scheduled to have a consultation with a divorce attorney today. Hopefully they will give me some good news. She still hasn’t signed the noncontested papers though she cliamed to have paid an attorney for that. I signed my half, but she still as of yet hasn’t.

Is she really this stupid? Does she really think that a man will take her seriously knowing that she’s out cheating on her husband? What kind of man would actually take her on for anything more than sex knowing that she is away from her own son for so long for no real reason. I mean most good mothers would not want to be away from their child for so long without having a damned good reason. Though she does visit like twice a month for a few days, she is missing so much of him growing up. She has missed a lot over the past few years.

Her excuse…..she’s making more money in NYC…..yet an investigation shows that her electric bill way past overdue being like $1500. She is now tapping into the joint account and pretty much spent all of the money out of that. She’s taking out pay day loans. And when asked about sending me money for the mid month bills, she doesn’t have it and says she’ll send it on Friday. She wasn’t even paying her taxes and now we owe the IRS 14k. How is she so damned broke. She said her purpose for taking the jobs in NYC was to get the extra money. I’m thinking about filing separately so we could at least get a refund. Why should I have to incur the debt that she made by making stupid decisions and it isn’t like I benefitted off of it.

She barely cleans when she’s here and sits around all day doing God knows what. She’s barely making it financially for a nurse practitioner on travel pay in NYC….. yet the joint account is showing transactions for $50 here and $100 there being payed to a so called psychic. I really think there are a few screws missing in her head. Then she has the nerve to call and bitch and complain to me about kiddo lying to her and not “handling his business” when she’s here. He lies about his school work as not to get into trouble, though I am trying to teach him that it’s better to tell the truth and face the consequences.

This is just sad man. My family is becoming a train wreck and I can’t help but to want to put so much blame onto her. She just doesn’t seem to get it or seem to care. The other day, I asked her about her behavior and she says that she is faithful. “How sway” i asked her and she says that she was faithful for the first few years of our marriage. My mind was blown that she could say something so stupid with a serious face. I started to explain to her how that was dumb, but what’s the point. I just said “OK” and walked away.

This is why conversation with her is basically pointless. She’ll either stonewall and say nothing, gaslight or lie, or just say stupid shit like the above statement on her ‘faithfulness’. This is an unwise woman and yeah, I’m bitching about it because I don’t want to be in this situation and have been on her ass about filling out the paperwork. I say let those guys fight it out. She isn’t worth it and I say that she can be their problem. Let them hash it out over her.

We could have been much better off if she wasn’t so…. like that.

It’s like I still have to figure everything out and she offers no help. No insight. No support. Yet she thinks she’s a catch or something. It’s just hard to wrap my head around her mentality. Not to mention she’d always be liability given her lack of self reflection, morals, and rational thinking. She’s easily corrupted by manipulative men (such as her so called-best friend) who in my opinion is an obvious dirtbag. I really think she is on the spectrum, she’s losing brain cells, or she might really be stupid like for real. Her mental health is rapidly declining and she’s unable to mask it. I am starting to wonder if life is actually too hard for some women and they really need to be in the house doing menial tasks.

As much as I complain about her, a lot of this is on me for not taking the proper steps and acting like she could act as a decent partner in some capacity. I expected way too much out of her. Even after the affairs began. I mean if she didn’t want to be here, then why not simply help me get this divorce. I mean, that sounds reasonable to me. Regardless of how I felt about divorce, I wasn’t trying to be kept in a disrespectful situation and she showed me that she didn’t respect me. I never tried to make her stay, but I’m pretty sure that her so called lovers get the impression that I’m somehow trying to hold on to her. It makes sense to get a noncontested because I don’t want anything from her and I don’t have much she can take….why go through all this extra money to pay for divorce attorneys when she has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want me and I damn for sure don’t want her anymore. Like I told her a million times, I did love our family, and I would have fought for her, but never over her.

I am stuck in limbo and the only way out is seems is going the attorney route. She listens to what I have to say, shit, I’ve said it at least 100 times. I’ve laid out possible plans, but she never acts upon them. She gets dickmatized easily and just acts like that’s the only thing that matters in the world. As if her actions don’t directly and indirectly affect kiddo. She’s too gotdamned old for this shit. Selfish and stupid. I’ve been seeing irrational and selfish women pop up everywhere online. It’s like an epidemic or something. These women have the emotional intelligence of a fish sandwich and the utility of a jar of pickles. The moral of the story is to vet and choose wisely.

I’m getting out.

The more you know

Controversial opinion, but I don’t think that it’s always bad to ‘snoop’ through your s/o’s stuff. In a lot of cases, i don’t think it should be necessary if you trust the person. However, if they give you reason not to trust them, then I say game on. Here’s the caveat, before going there, I think that you really need to access the reasons as to why you don’t trust them. Is it simply based on personal insecurity or is it based on strange/inconsistent behaviors they are exhibiting? Have you tried talking to them and if so, what was their response. Does it seem that they are hiding something?

As much as we’d like to think that we live in a perfect world, we know that human beings can do some shitty things to each other. Especially if they think that they can do it and get away with it. Big secrets can take away one’s personal right to make and take the proper actions necessary to their well being. A lot of times, if you wasn’t such a pussy and afraid to look, then you would have discovered that he was cheating or that she was with Chad instead of on that girl’s trip. Who knows how many times a guy could have discovered that the baby she was pregnant with actually belonged to someone else.

I am not saying that a person should always go through their significant other’s phone though. I understand the argument that privacy is important. Well, kind of. I still think that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If I had a significant other who wanted to go through my phone then I don’t think that I’d mind it. She might find some booty pics or something, but I can’t imagine hiding anything I’d be ashamed of my S/O knowing. If i was planning a surprise or something, then she’d spoil it, but how often does that happen? I think the off chance she would snoop and find something like that would be worth the price of transparency in relationship. It’s a way to hold yourself and her accountable.

One argument that kind of makes sense is that she may be having private conversations with friends that she wouldn’t want me to be aware of. Say, she has sworn secrecy to the friend. But still, I haven’t met a woman who doesn’t like to run her mouth to her man. In fact, I know people in general tend to talk to their signficant others about their friends. When I tell my married friends something in secret, it’s almost a foregone conclusion in my mind that they’re going to go back and tell their wives or significant others.

But it can be damaging. I get it, some people just like privacy. The phone can act as a diary of sorts, but I don’t know. I know that I never had the urge to go through my lover’s phone. She never seemed to be hiding anytihng, but then again, who knows? I thought it might have been a possibility that she wasn’t 100 with me…..but for some reason, i just kind of didn’t care to know. I think that I just wanted to trust her despite the real possibility that she could have been lying about a number of things.

I said that to say that I was looking at STBXW’s phone and it continues to confirm my suspicions of her lying and gaslighting. I mean I already know, but when you’re stuck in this type of situation, you like to know what the fuck is going on. It really has changed my perception or should I say reaffirmed my perception of her. She’s a such a liar. I’d go so far as to say an idiot. Seeing the lies actually makes me feel better in a way to know that I’m not fucking crazy.

I can see her for who she truly is and it ain’t pretty. These things helped me fall out of love with her. I don’t know how deep this thing went, but I truly don’t desire her like a wife. She lacks the traits and characteristics that would make a man a better man. Well, me anyway. The things I discovered shows her lack of faithfulness not just to me, but to herself. It’s sad and pathetic in my opinion. She seems to lack self respect and that isn’t a reflection upon me. Either that or she’s an idiot. Either way, it makes me regret getting with her in the first place.

I can admit that I’m not perfect, however, I do think that if she were a better caliber of woman. More self reflective, insightful, smarter, moral, and held herself to a higher standard….. our relationship could have flourished. Some times when people say “it’s Me, not you” they really are on to something. At this point, even though there is some humiliation there, it’s not really so much a reflection on me as it is to her. Guys are just using her as a cum dumpster and she can’t see it. She’s so stupid, but allows it. She makes our entire family look stupid, but doesn’t care. I just wish that she’d cooperate and grant the amicable divorce without getting attorneys involved. I really mean it when I say that he, them, they can have her. She’s for the streets and it seems that she doesn’t even realize it. She’s a liability and is of no use to me…..and I’m not even getting pussy from her. I’m cool with that bcuz based on what I’ve read, I could never see her in a “wifey” type of way again.

In Retrospect

My ex-lover used to tell me that someday, I was going to look back and regret missing out on her. I always thought that was a pretty dubious and lousy thing to say. I believe that words do have power and I did not want them to haunt the back of my mind affecting my sub-conscious mind thought processes. I always made sure that I told myself that it would be untrue, even though I told her “maybe, but i hope not.”

I do miss her at times and I did attempt to call, but she didn’t answer. It’s been a couple of months now, but I still think about her from time to time. I wonder if she thinks about me? Then again, women do tend to move on faster than us. She is single with no kids and nothing is really keeping her from going out onto the dating market. I also think she may have been getting closer to one of her neighbors. It’s fine.

The thing is that even though we were cool and I did love her. I didn’t think she’d make a good wife for me. I was wondering if it was the fact that the made hella more money than me, but in reality, I don’t think so. There were just a few red flags that made me feel as if it would end in disaster if we were to actually get married. I was reflecting on these things the other day. Even though I do miss her sometimes, I am glad that I did not cave into the pressure of making her my “woman”.

When we first started talking and getting to know each other, I once told her about how STBXW’s affair partner basically coached her into betraying me. She said “that was kind of hot”. But then she doubled back and said it was messed up, but still “kind of hot”. Major RED FLAG. At least insofar as for someone I’d want to take seriously.

Her constant drinking and getting wasted at events was also an issue. I liked the fact that we’d drink a lot on the weekends and do stuff together, but when we were apart, she’d sometimes tell me about how she’d get black out drunk in bars. Who knows what the fuck she’d do, especially given the fact that even though she’s usually more introverted, when she gets drunk, she gets very flirty. Not a good look. At all. Another RED FLAG on the play.

She has daddy issues in that she hated her father (understandably) since he basically abandoned her, but instead of neutrality or some level of forgiveness. There was none…..whatsoever. She was happy when he died. She also bragged a lot about her ability to be extremely petty and unforgiving. RED FLAG ref.

She did not believe in God or have a reverence for spiritual things. Even though I am agnostic, my foundation is Christian and I think I do have a respect and understanding of the message of Jesus Christ. With no moral foundations, I don’t know if I could really trust her. Another RED FLAG.

She once told me about a rude waiter when she went to Germany who she accused of being a racist. Maybe he was a racist, I wasn’t there, but her flex was that she made more money in a month that he’d see in a year. And this was her validation for making her ‘feel’ better than him. It wasn’t that she shouldn’t self sooth or validate herself. But it was the superficial reason of making more money that made her feel superior to him. A RED FLAG….at least to me anyway. I’d rather her not have said anything or maybe cracked some jokes on his appearance, style, or something.

Because I rent, I try to minimize the amount of furniture I have in my apartment. So I had a large blow up bed. When completely inflated, it’s the size of a regular bed. She knows about it. I once asked her to come over, but she told me that she would not spend the weekend with me until I got a regular bed. I did end up getting one because the blow up beds kept getting holes in them, but the point is that I saw that excuse as a RED FLAG. Because if she really loved and cared about me like she says she did, it wouldn’t matter where we slept as long as we were safe and fairly comfortable. Ideally, if she felt it was THAT important, she would have come down and “made” me go out and buy one together.

I once asked her why she liked me so much. She said, “look at these muscles”, I can’t resist myself. RED FLAG. Yeah, I do work hard in the gym, but that’s superficial AF if u ask me. What if I injured myself and couldn’t work out? Would she still care enough to remain loyal until I was able to get back into shape?

It was kind of a RED FLAG ok I’ll give her a YELLOW on the fact that she was fucking with me in the first place knowing that I am married. I mean I had no need to lie to her about my situation with the wife, but still, I don’t think that she should have been fucking with me. It’s a sign of loose morals. I may be hypocritical on this, but still, just saying.

Her asking me for a $20k engagement ring was another RED FLAG. I understand wanting what you want, but come on, that’s a LOT for a wedding ring considering my salary. Ideally, the type of woman I’d want wouldn’t really care about the cost of the ring, but would value damn near anything I got her. Of course I’d try to get her something nice, but the principle is that she would value it regardless of what I spent on it. A 2k ring would be more valuable in her eyes because of what it meant moreso than a 50k ring simply because it is so expensive.

She had a few other issues that I probably could have worked with. The drinking every night is something I may have been able to overlook even though it was a cause of concern.

Another area of concern is the fact that I may have over played her to my best friend. They have a lot in common and when I first met her, before I got “feelings” for her, I sort of told him that they had a lot in common. I was pretty drunk at the time, but he never seemed to forget it. Part of their similiaritites that they are both pretty gotdamned petty. I don’t know if that’s a bad relationship with your father kind of thing or what… but they both hate their fathers, both work in similar industries, both went to mostly white ivy league colleges, and both were sort of rejected by the black community coming up. She in many ways is a female version of him. Maybe that’s why she and I got along so well.

I don’t trust him to not hit on her, but mostly I don’t know if I trust her to not give in to it out of respect for me. Even though I personally think that they are too similar and given their type, it would probably end up pretty toxic in an actual relationship…..they might/ especially given the hidden and forbidden nature of it they’d try to do something behind my back. They seem to lack a certain level of morals that i can’t quite put my finger on. I think WE (me and her) and (me and him) get along pretty well because I complement them well as a friend. We balance each other out and instead of egging on their pettiness, I try to be the voice of reason and talk them off the cliff. They remind me that it’s ok to take the low road sometimes and that it’s ok to be petty on occasion. Balance.

She is also pretty naive to the ways of the streets and “game” in general. I thought this was a bit endearing in STBXW, but I discovered the hard way that a person lacking a strong moral foundation and not knowing about it are subject to fall for it quite easily. Her idea of game is the “yo baby yo” type of thing. But it’s really a certain level of ‘con’ fidence. I could get into it, but maybe i’ll write about my understanding of it another time. I’m not a streets guy, but I was close enough to know it when I see it.

She’s also the party ‘girl’ and I used to tease her as she kind of bragged about ‘corrupting’ her more naive friends. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until she is your wife or girlfriend. It’s kind of sad to say, but I think that she’d eventually grow bored of me. She sort of needs a guy with that edge that’s gonna play her and have a agenda for her beyond love and friendship. He needs to keep her on her toes and not be so easy-going or laid back. Though I play the ‘toxic’ role for entertainment purposes, that’s not really me. I mean I do have SOME toxic traits, but I’m toxic-light compared to the type of guy I’m thinking about. This guy would be like a streets guy, maybe not in the streets, but playa playa type ladies man who knows how to keep her ‘entertained’ with bullshit shenanigans. He’d probably actually be the life of the party/ larger than life type. But I do think she’d also miss me balancing her out.

All that said, I don’t think that we had what it took to be spouses. I do miss her, and if she hits me up, I’ll be back collecting frequent flyer trips back to Philly. We had fun, but I don’t think that I could wife her and I’m ok with being Mr. Stand in. Maybe my job with her is over. But i really enjoyed our time and I hope she feels the same about me.


They say that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Despite the ongoing drama with the wife, for some reason, I’ve had difficulty in accepting that this is how/who she really is. From an outside view, I’m sure that people already know this about her.

I used to ask my mother why she was surprised or even upset when my dad did some bullshit…..I remember distinctly telling her “whey are you surprised, you know how he is.” Now I kind of get it. Despite no longer being totally surprised at pretty much anything she does, including voluntarily lying, gaslighting, cheating, and so forth……for some reason, deep down, I still think that there is some good in her. Really deep down though.

It’s like how I can see certain bad people that I’m not so close to. I realize that this isn’t a person I should trust and there really is no point in talking to them about their terrible decisions/actions. I have a co-worker who seems to be open to cheating on her boyfriend with another co-worker, and despite thinking that it sucks for the boyfriend, I’m not too bothered by it. I just take a mental note and keep it moving. Perhaps other people see the wife this way, but becuase her actions doesn’t affect them directly, they aren’t as hurt nor bothered by her.

I was the fool who married her. I can’t wait until we get this divorce. I’m am hoping that once this is over, the humiliation of being “her husband” will be over with.

Love, Loyalty, and Respect

My home girl and I have been talking about relationships and what women actually bring to the table. She accuses me of just wanting women for their bodies and that I’m not really interested in anything else. I did object saying that I was also interested in “friendship”, but as far as making her a ‘girlfriend’, maybe not so much.

Her take on it is that I should be moving towards being her “man.” I had to think about it and to be honest. She might be kind of right. I really don’t see any value of having a “woman” outside of having sex with her. Sounds pretty bad, but let me explain.

Real relationships require a lot in order to keep a woman happy. She changes her expectations of you. You in many ways become responsible for her ‘experience’ in life. If you fail to keep her “happy”, then she’s going to lose respect and love for you. Personally, I don’t want that responsibility nor take that risk. I know it sounds selfish, but what’s in it for me? What is so amazing about having this woman in the first place.

I would damn near be willing to take one on. But really, the only that she can really offer is loyalty and respect. Because the loyalty is very conditional….or rather it seems to be in modern times, then she is basically useless to me outside of a warm hole. She’s just a temporary place, or vacation if you will. I’ve learned from dealing with STBXW that she can make your life REALLY FUCKING BAD. If you fall too deep in love with her or find yourself in a situation where walking way is too hard and it becomes “cheaper to keep her.”

I also came to the conclusion that in general, I believe that women only respect you if they are attracted to you. Their attraction is personal though and it really doesn’t have much to do with the caliber of man you really are. As a perfect example of this, STBXW’s “lover” doesn’t do much for her at all. Based on what I gather, he talks to her any kind of way. She works hard to try to get his validation. She respects him in ways that she doesn’t respect me. She took kiddo to Jamaica this weekend and ended up buying a bottle of Hennessey White. For him. I saw the bottle and it wasn’t for me. What did she get me? Absolutely nothing. Ya know, the guy who takes care of our child. The guy who pays the bills in the household.

So let me get this right…..this guy who has a girlfriend and children by another woman who doesn’t do anythi9ng for her gets love and respect. He gets fathers day gifts and I get nothing. I mean the level of disrespect is unbelievable imo. Like even if she “fell out of love” with me, does that justify her not showing me any appreciation or respect for who I am and have been to her and our family? And she feels completely justified in this… doesn’t even cross her mind that this is kind of fucked up. And she still thinks she’s a “good” woman.

She even had the audacity to ask me to pick her up from the airport last night. That’s a 45 minute drive there and back. Unbelievable!!!

Now, do I think that ALL women are like this?…..I don’t think so. But it does go to show that you have to be extremely careful with who you marry or have children with. It’s the height of irony when she calls and complains about kiddo lying, hiding stuff, and being irresponsible. Like, ma’am, have you honestly looked in the mirror at yourself?

I don’t want her back as she has proven to me time and time again that she really isn’t the type of woman who is worth fighting for….let alone over. Her character is just ugly to me. Her lack of emotional intelligence is dumbfounding. Her lack of self awareness is offensive. I’m not so mad at ol dude for milking the shit out the situation. I think that he probably sees her for who she really is, but why not lick a lick? Why not take take advantage? He gets free alcohol, all the sex he wants, free food, more validation that he probably ever got and doesn’t have to do anything for it. I’d go so far to say that he seems to be a shitty friend who just takes advantage of a desperate chick. But in certain ways, he may be an agent of karma avenging what she’s doing in her marriage. Maybe he feels justified in treating her a little better than shit. Maybe in certain ways, he feels that she deserves this.

I say all this to say that my humiliation is and has been for quite some time a bit of my own doing. I gotta face the facts that she is not going to cooperate with getting this non contested. I am enabling her bad behavior through my inaction. This is my fault. I have to take accountability for allowing this shit. I am not only disresepcting myslef, in certain ways, I am allowing her to disrespect our son by not standing on what I know to be right.

I’ve spoken time and time again on how fucked up this is to all of us. Yet it falls upon deaf ears. This women is wicked and it doesn’t matter if it’s coming from a place of ignorance or intent. She is bringing shame and dishonor to all of us and it’s going to have to be on me to stop it. If this means that I have to come out of pocket to get this divorce. Then so be it.

Love is Bondage

After a few months of talking to one of my female friends about ‘relationships’, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think they are for me. Not serious one’s anyway.

I’ve realized that I really don’t want to “take on” a woman because I can’t bring myself to care like that anymore. She says that I don’t care about women’s feelings, but the reality is that I while I do care, I don’t want to be responsible for maintaining her. I’ve been in that position a few times and I gotta tell you, it’s really not worth it. Even good case scenario, you’re not gonna get sex as much as you want and u still gotta sacrifice a lot to keep her happy.

It’s too much like work. And to me it’s not worth it. It’s like owning a needy pet or something. There is just so much maintenance in having to keep one “happy” beyond the honeymoon phase. This part really blows her mind for some reason. I guess her premise is that women somehow make men’s lives easier or better or something.

We bicker back and forth sometimes and she teased me about being unable to ‘keep’ a woman. At first I sort of got annoyed, (in light of what’s going on with STBXW)…. but then I realized that ya know, if it takes all of that to keep a woman loyal to you, I’d rather have a dog or something.

I’m all for a woman wanting to rock with me…..but I am not in the business of giving in to terroristic threats from anyone. It’s the height of arrogance in my opinion that these women really think that they are somehow special to the point of feeling like a man should have to deal with the bullshit in order to keep her around.

(**sarcastically) well thank you for allowing me to serve you so that I can bask in your presence.

I mean, yeah, I’ll be there for a friend in need. I’m all for helping a person or friend out who actually needs my help. But when our entire relationship is based upon me mostly catering to her emotions, fragile ego, and whatever the fuck it is to keep her “happy”…. man stall me out on that.

Who wants to be friends with a person who’s loyalty is soley based on what you can do for them? The entitlement is unbelievable. Who wants to sign up for extra work like that with no rewards or pay. Does she really think that giving up pussy is payment for the headache of having to deal with her bullshit? I mean I see sex as an equal exchange. If she doesn’t enjoy it then she’s not gonna fuck with me for too long anyway …right? Plus if she’s not really enjoying it, it’s kind of trash to me anyway.

Who told these women that they were the prize. I prize friendship and loyalty above all and if I cannot have that, then she is really no prize….to me anyway. So if her loyalty is conditional soley based on what I do for her, then it’s not really much of a ‘friendship’. It’s more like “tricking” or “paying to play”. She is just using me for whatever it is that she deems that she needs at the time. If she’s willing to terminate our ‘friendship’ based on not “needing” me anymore, then why in the world would I dedicate/commit myself to her?

These are grown assed independent women. Often their mouths get too gotdamned spicy. Body counts astronomical. Reasoning …often illogical (to my ears). Expectations of a man …unrealistic. Expensive and did I mention needy? Like bruh, I don’t expect my friends to do shit for me except reciprocate. If I cannot reciprocate….say on a 1 to 1 basis…. i don’t expect them to do anything for me as a requirement to be my friend. Just respect me and be there for me (IF I NEED) it. Just like I’d be there for them. But I don’t feel so entitled to anything from them as to base our friendship of them having to do anything outside of that. If they do more than that, I don’t feel entitled to it, I just appreciate it.

Her (and I suspect) a lot of modern women is that they’ve brought into the hype of thinking that they’re some gotdamned goddess or something. No ma’am, you’re a human being. You eat, sleep, shit, piss, and fart like the rest of us mortals. I don’t give a damn how good she looks nor how good the pussy feels. She’s still a fucking human being. I just don’t get why they expect this sort of preferential treatment. You should actually feel lucky to have a man want to deal with your bullshit like that. Yet, you get a simp/blue pilled sucker who is still going for it, and run his ass through the ringer.

Man, I have learned that emotional attachments to these women are bad for your mental health. They get u hooked and you’d do damn near anything to keep them from leaving. They want you to feel like that too because then they have power over you and once they know that you’re not going anywhere….Game on sucker…..u already lost. The best way to combat that is to ALWAYS be willing to walk away and mean it. And you do that by not getting too emotionally attached to her. This ‘love’ game is a contact sport, you gotta protect yourself at ALL TIMES.

If she’s not chasing, she’s worth replacing. I am not playing into that game of being unable to walk away. My heart does not of an off switch when it turns on. So for me, it’s just best not to turn that mf. on. I think they want men to ‘fall in love’ because it gives them power over him. And once they have it they either take it for granted or abuse it. They become entitled and expect MORE because they know he will do everything in his power to keep her from leaving him.

Nah, I’ll pass. That’s too much power to give to someone else. It’s like emotional slavery. I’d rather have my freedom, personal agency, and not put too much stock on her/ her emotional instability, arrogance, and power trips for my personal mental and emotional health.

Biblically speaking, she’s supposed to be a man’s helpmeet, not the other way around. They got the game fucked up today. This isn’t about “love” for most of them, it’s about power and getting their “needs” met by a sucker.

Beaten into Submission?

I’ve been dealing with STBXW for so long from a place of being powerless to stop her from cheating while being married to me. It like I held this idea or institution in high regard for so long. But to see/know that she’s out there getting her back blown out and sucking all kinds of dick….while still married to me, feels like a special kind of hell.

I’ve felt violated for so long that in certain ways, I’m becoming a bit used to it. No I still don’t like it, but it’s like getting beat over and over and over again that the pain becomes a part of you. I’m not sure how this is going to play out on my mental health in the long run. I don’t feel the need/urge to do anything drastic or to hurt anyone. Yet I can feel that this is affecting me in ways that aren’t good. I’m becoming more numb. In certain ways i guess it makes me stronger, yet it feels like this just isn’t right.

I’m really torn between the idea that either STBXW is really just an emotionally immature moron who lacks empathy……or in some ways, she gets pleasure out of knowing that this somehow hurts me. She knows it’s wrong for sure. She knows that she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes. Yet she doesn’t mind placing these shackles on my feet in her pursuit of ….let’s face it, new dick.

I asked again if she’d want a woman to do to our child what she’s doing to me and her answer was NO. “But I’m his mother, of course I wouldn’t want someone to hurt him.” Yet somehow in her head, she’s justified her treatment and disrespect of me. I keep reminding her that it doesn’t have to be this way. Just sign the papers.

I mean seriously, I could never take her back. I have no desire for her as a wife. I could never trust her, be open with her, let alone kiss her, make love to her, or care like I once did. Why does her lack of self respect (and her ability to not recognize that she’s out here disrespecting herself as a woman) have to come at the cost of my own?

How long do I have to endure this bullshit? I’ve never been one to complain, but this is just ridiculous. I don’t do anything to anyone I wouldn’t want done to me. Yet, I am here facing and living through one of the worst tortures a husband can go through by the hands of his so called “wife.”

Why won’t she just sign the damned papers. She’s then free to suck and fuck all the dick she wants. She can be a side chick to Donald Trump for all I care. She can get gutted and slutted out by the Brooklyn Nets. Just don’t associate me with her lack of self respect anymore. It’s so crazy because, SHE was the UNHAPPY one who wants to leave. Why burn the whole gotdamned house down and lock me in it while it burns to the ground.

This is the perfect example of how some women really don’t take accountability for her wicked behavior. I’d imagine that this lack of accountability is why dudes see her as only a side chick and won’t take her seriously. It’s why she has to play side chick to an average man who tells her that she’s doing too much. It’s why she basically has to beg him to come over and essentially buy him gifts, alcohol, and offer pussy and head to keep him. The fact that she SEE NOTHING wrong with any of this makes me really lose complete respect for her.

Yet I feel like shit because of association. Who wants to be known as the man who’s wife is doing this to him? Doesn’t she realize that either a moron or complete and utter loser would take her seriously knowing what she’s doing? To be clear, I really don’t care about the caliber of man she deals with. Maybe like can attract like and she’ll find that. I just don’t want any parts of it….by association or otherwise.

Bad enough that she is my child’s mother and she has no moral obligation to herself to understand that she implicates us all with her dishonor and disrespect.

this hatred and vitriol isn’t me. I’ve never been this way. Yet being beat down so long tends to change certain things about you.

Getting over it.

It’s been about a week since I last heard from my lover and i’m not gonna lie, it’s been hard to keep from reaching out to her just to say hi. Even though in certain ways I feel relief from the pressure of having to deal with figuring out what to do with her ‘relationship’ wise, i do find myself missing her.

You don’t talk to a person almost every day for over 6 years and suddenly get over it. I probably talked to her more than anyone else consistently over that time. But as I like to say, ‘love’ is a bit of an addiction. I’m going cold turkey and it seems that I’m going through withdrawals. Even though tame compared to the shock my body received upon the news of the “wife” affair, it’s still quite an unpleasant experience…. for me anyway.

Though I know this is for the best, I sometimes find myself wondering if she actually misses me. I do know that women tend to check out months if not years before actually pulling the plug on a ‘relationship’…..and i think that I was starting to feel the distance in the past few months. I saw the writing on the wall a while ago and so I knew it was coming sooner or later. This sucks about as bad as I thought it would. But it still sucks. The punches that you don’t see coming hurt the most, but it’s still an unpleasant experience even when you do see them coming. At least I was able to somewhat brace for the impact. Still though, it sucks.

I do love her in a real way and I hope that she knows that I mean it beyond words. I want the best for her, but not gonna lie, at times, my ego sort of hopes that my replacement won’t be as good as me. At least not initially. So here I am, basically, alone. It doesn’t have to be that way and probably wouldn’t be if I wasn’t acting as a single father. I can’t bring a woman around my kid right now … at least until the wife signs her end of the divorce papers. Maybe i should be alone right now for now anyway just so that I can heal. This proving to be a bit hard bcuz STBXW is more involved in my life (for kiddo’s sake) than I’d like for her to be. I’ve been trying to talk her into finally signing the papers….asking that she sign them so we can begin the real process of distentaglement….while also explaining how bad it makes both of us look that she’s out here doing what she’s doing despite being married….and though she doesn’t disagree, it seems that she either doesn’t believe me or really doesn’t care.

I have to take accountability for marrying her. I really can’t say what I saw in her that would me think that she’d be a good wife for me. Perhaps I was fooled by her looks. There are women out here who I think could be a good wife, who are loyal, who are understanding, who understand integrity, and who are actually intelligent. Unfortunately, I married what would be best be described as a side chick. I think there truly is a difference. I do believe that a good woman can make a good man better, but unfortunately, some can actually make him worse. Some can push their men to do / be greater, but others, drive him to bitterness.

She has turned out to be much more of a liability and unfortunately, she cannot see how much I still sacrifice (though it’s mostly for our son). I don’t think she ever will. The person who you marry can definitely impact your life in unimaginable ways. Yet I have to take responsibility for this as me choosing her was a reflection of me and my decision making process at the time.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and hire an attorney as she is probably incapable of ‘doing the right thing’ and getting a nonconetested divorce unless she finds a man who requires it as a necessity to be with him. I personally believe that her ‘lovers’ see who for what she truly is…. a side chick which is why they don’t require that she gets a divorce and marry him. It could really all be so simple….if she were to play ball, but for now, she seems content with being ‘that type of woman.’ And making matters worse, she seems to see nothing wrong with it. While on one hand it certainly is humiliating to know that she’d rather play side chick to these guys than to take accountability, admit she was wrong, and a least try to work on her marriage and family, …. or at the very least not go out like a Jada Pinkett and get a divorce…. (especially since I’ve been adamant about trying to resolve this as peacefully as possible)… is proof positive that she isn’t worth trying to reconcile with (even if she suddenly had a “come to Jesus” moment). This shouldn’t have happened.

A good woman/wife would have never let things get this far. A woman with self respect would respect herself enough to not knowingly play side chick to a guy. The fact that she is actively participating with helping deceive another woman by helping him cheat is just something I find reprehensible. How much more based on the fact that she is also ‘married’. Unfortunately, her mentality does not allow her to see that. She actually believes that she is a ‘good’ woman despite that. It truly is sad and pathetic, but unfortunately, the more I become aware of (many) women’s nature thru the redpill, i realize that her mentality really isn’t uncommon. But then again, so are the number of women who are ‘not’ marriage material. I fucked up with her. It’s my fault, my inaction to do anything is a reflection of me at this point. We’re both losers. I reality is that I deserve all of this until I get off my ass and do something. I know what I’m dealing with (I’ve been known)….and have done nothing about it.

Is Love Enough?

My lover keeps giving me an ultimatum. Give her a ring or she will have to move on. She doesn’t know who she’s fucking with. I’m not Billy Badass, but in all reality, I understand where she’s coming from. We’ve been talking for a while now and I never would have thought in a million years that 6 years later, we’d be still talking. We’ve been talking for about as long as things were actually good between me and STBXW.

Time flies quickly. Unfortunately for her, I am really not any closer to wanting to marry her than I was back then. To be honest, I am really surprised that she held on for this long and throughout our entire duration, I figured that any day would be the last. I kind of always figured that eventually, she’d move on.

I do love her don’t get me wrong. But i cannot figure out how to make it work between us. I have baggage. Kiddo is a packaged deal. It’s a non negotiable for me. She isn’t asking me to forsake him, but I haven’t figured out a way to integrate her into our lives. It doesn’t help that STBXW still hasn’t signed the papers for the noncontested divorce yet. I’m on my third try with this and she isn’t being cooperative. I think it has less to do with her wanting to ‘hold on’ to me and more to do with it’s just not convenient for her to do so. She just hasn’t found anyone else to put pressure on her to do so. Her ‘relationships’ so far appear to have been casual (for the guys anyway) at best. Given her tendency to procrastinate and put things off to the last minute, I just don’t think she sees it as a big deal.

I’ve been somewhat beaten into submission by accepting the fact that even though she technically is my wife on paper, I have to deal with the fact the she’s just out there being a 304. The truth is I cannot really afford a divorce attorney at this point. I could go broke trying to hire one, but shit it’s either go broke or deal with the bullshit. I guess i chose to deal with the bullshit.

I think that with some convincing and an actual plan, I might be able to get my lover to pay for it…..but that doesn’t even sound right. Plus, even though she is a lovely person in many ways, I don’t know if I can keep her happy. Even though she makes a shit ton of money, she says that money isn’t the most important thing to her and doesn’t expect me to ‘catch up’ to her.

I don’t mind the fact that she’d be the primary breadwinner, but her expensive taste is what sort of gives me pause. I think that because I don’t bring the money like that, I’d have to always work even harder to figure out how to keep her happy. This would trigger a level of codependency in me that wouldn’t be attractive to her. Plus right now, I feel that being effectively a ‘single’ father leaves me with very little emotional bandwidth to want to feel obligated to deal with handling an emotional woman.

It’s just not the right timing. Perhaps if I had more money, could buy her a house I think she’d be happy with and afford the wedding and ring she wants, then I’d feel better about asking her to sacrifice so much. But as of right now, I think that we’d be setting ourselves up for failure in the future if we decided to take things to the ‘next level’. I think she’d end up resenting me after a few years when the ‘newness’ of being a wife finally set in for her.

But am i just not being honest with myself? I met this woman at the airport this weekend and while waiting on our delayed flight, we went to a bar and started talking. She was the feminine tomboy type that I find myself having the most interpersonal chemistry with. For some reason, even though they ‘claim to not like men’…. I’ve always been attracted to them. They just seem so much more easy going and practical than typical women. For some reason they are just easier (for me anyway) to talk to. It was one of those situations where we never really ran out of anything to say and when there was nothing left to be said, there was comfortable silence. Conversation just flowed effortlessly and naturally. Jokes just happened like hiccups. I’ve met a few in my life and I can’t lie, I always dug their personalities and what they were able to bring out of me. Like I can just shut my brain off and just be me and be entertained by whatever I say.

She didn’t make a ton of money, but seemed pretty content where she was in life. However, she also seemed to be interested in ways to make more money if the opportunity arose. What’s dope was that she said that she didn’t go out much because she wasn’t familiar with the area and didn’t have a lot friends. Unfortunately, due us talking so much, and the fact that I somehow ended up missing my flight (long story)….I forgot to get her number despite her telling me to put it in my phone.

That being said. I don’t know about marrying her either, but if i were to ever get married again, I think I’d like to try one of them. I don’t like the ones who actually look like guys, but I think the term soft studs apply to ones I like. They actually look like women, but tend to wear pants instead of dresses and skirts. I’ve seen a few that were cute in the face and you could tell that they had decent bodies underneath their clothes. It looks like she’d actually look pretty decent if she decided to dress provocatively.

Idealistically, she’d just want to try a guy. Maybe have a kid. I understand that her attraction to women might kick in every now and again, but shit….i’d be cool with that as long as she was honest with me. For some reason, even though people say they are ‘masculine’, I find that they tend to be more cooperative than most women. They dress more modestly. They are more logical/reasonable. And are probably more aligned with things that I like to do. Old girl at the airport wansn’t exactly a 10 in looks, but she was a solid 6 in the face….and that’s without even trying. And i could tell that she had an ass on her. Maybe if she fixed that walk, but I might be able to work with it.

I don’t know if they’d even want to be married for real for real, but if were to have another child, I’d want one with one of them. It would be (as superficial as it is) part of my original goal as a youth to have 2 or 3 cool baby mamas. Maybe it’s the idea that they’d be low maintenance and it seems that a genuine friendship would be more important than the formalities required in a traditional relationship.

Either way, meeting her got me to wondering if my lover was like her type and wanted to get married, would I have as much problem with asking her to sacrifice for me. Would I ask her to move from her where she was to here for me? The honest answer is, I don’t think so. I think that I’d at least ask her if she really wanted to try the ‘family’ thing. Even if i was unsure of whether or not it would work out in the long run.

But maybe this is because I wouldn’t think that she’d require or would be disappointed if she didn’t have big wedding, fancy dress, nice ring, and luxury house. I think she’d be content with a regular life. Not that my lover is huge consumer of luxury goods, but she really does enjoy the nicer things in life. She wouldn’t be caught dead in say a Ramada Inn if we decided to take an impromptu trip or something and wanted to save a little money.

In short, she’d be supporting her ‘luxury’ tastes and would have to either foot the bill for ‘us’ to do so or I’d go broke trying to go in at least 50/50 on it. Those things don’t matter to me as the experience of just being with my person. If it came down to an either/or I wouldn’t hesitate to go the local Applebees with a person I enjoy over going to 5 star michelin resturaunt in Paris with someone who I was just ‘meh’ about. I’d do with no regrets, even if me and my person didn’t work out in the end.

Maybe it’s me being classist or something. Maybe I’m looking down on her because of her luxury tastes. But at the same time, I just don’t’ want to be under the pressure doing shit like that to keep her happy. Maybe it’s based in fear. Maybe she is telling the truth in that it doesn’t matter to her. But in my gut, I think she is sincere, but I don’t think it’s the truth. I think she would harbor resentment and it would manifest someway or another, even if she doesn’t say it with her words. I do realize that i could actively creating a self fulfilling prophecy with this kind of thinking. Maybe that’s something to consider a bit more as well.

Despite all of our differences, I really do love her. She is very dear to my heart. I adore her. But I do have a fear of disappointing her. Maybe that’s my issue or maybe I’m just being practical about our situation. I just don’t know if Love is enough.

A Thorn in My Side

It is so strange that for some reason, I sometimes have a desire to reach out to and talk to STBXW. I really have nothing to say to her. I don’t expect her to ‘change’ her mind and even if she did, I still would be 99% skeptical about her intentions. I don’t think she’ll ever be sorry nor understand the implications behind her actions. I know that she doesn’t truly love me and probably never really did outside of the ‘superficial’ feelings she experienced at the time.

I don’t expect that I’ll say something to her and she’ll suddenly be like “aahhhh, I see it now….I get it….you were right.” The things she’s done, the lies, the betrayal, is just a part of who she is. It’s a part of her character (or lack thereof). A ‘happily ever after’ marriage wasn’t in the cards for us. But her betrayal shows that it never could have been. I truly believe that it’s just not in certain people to do certain things to others under normal circumstances.

I mean even IF she somehow does manage to start seeing things my way, it’s like, there are so many things that make her less than an ideal wife for me. There is no turning back. I’ve never been the type of person to chase after a woman who doesn’t desire me. I have way too much self respect or ‘pride’ for that. Plus, a woman’s beauty doesn’t have the same effect on me as it once did. On top of that, STBW isn’t exactly 10. She was MY 10, but objectively, though she is decent looking. Looks aren’t such a priority for me that I’d be willing to subject myself to this level of disrespect from anyone. IDC if she looked like Joy Bryant or Zoe Saldana (two of the most beautiful women in the world to me), I just couldn’t see myself taking the bullshit.

So, if looks isn’t a factor, personality isn’t a factor, character definitely isn’t a factor…..I don’t know where this annoying desire to wonder what’s up with her comes from. Things really should be about ‘business’ only at this point. I should truly see her as a necessary ‘evil’ in my life. I should be as unengaged as I am about the political climate in this country. I should have reached complete apathy by this point.

I have painfully gone though one of biggest fears that almost any normal healthy man would face when it comes to his wife….infidelity and betrayal to another man. Obviously, there would be a lot of pain and adjusting to do. Yet, I haven’t fully disengaged to the point where I’d like to be. Complete apathy if not aversion. What is wrong with me?

Where is the disconnect? Not to boast, but I have two lovely women very interested in me right now. Yet, I am worried about someone who betrayed me so thoroughly. A person who betrayed my heart and my son. This person who cannot and has not reasonably justify her actions and yet feels no remorse. A person who had to know the damage they were doing to me while she was doing it.

Is this some sort of Stockholm Sydrome type of thing. A trauma bond that I haven’t been able to fully disentangle myself from? Surely I can’t be this pathetic? I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it. Being married to that woman feels like some sort of curse or something. Perhaps I just have to face the karma/consequences of my actions.

Looking back on some old emails we exchanged back in the beginning of our relationship; I think that she was actually with her ex boyfriend. Though I didn’t know the nature of the relationship….either I was led to believe it was effectively over or maybe I simply ignored it….perhaps this is my sentence for dealing with another man’s woman. Maybe there is a spiritual component to this. Maybe it explains why the king in the story of Abraham and Sarah got shook when he discovered that she was his actually his wife and not his sister. Maybe I am cursed and am in violation of “God’s law” (a spiritual rule). In a similar way as to how ‘ignorance’ of the law (of say something like electricity) does not absolve you from facing the consequences of being electrocuted if you do something wrong.

I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can finally move on.