Love is Bondage

After a few months of talking to one of my female friends about ‘relationships’, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t think they are for me. Not serious one’s anyway.

I’ve realized that I really don’t want to “take on” a woman because I can’t bring myself to care like that anymore. She says that I don’t care about women’s feelings, but the reality is that I while I do care, I don’t want to be responsible for maintaining her. I’ve been in that position a few times and I gotta tell you, it’s really not worth it. Even good case scenario, you’re not gonna get sex as much as you want and u still gotta sacrifice a lot to keep her happy.

It’s too much like work. And to me it’s not worth it. It’s like owning a needy pet or something. There is just so much maintenance in having to keep one “happy” beyond the honeymoon phase. This part really blows her mind for some reason. I guess her premise is that women somehow make men’s lives easier or better or something.

We bicker back and forth sometimes and she teased me about being unable to ‘keep’ a woman. At first I sort of got annoyed, (in light of what’s going on with STBXW)…. but then I realized that ya know, if it takes all of that to keep a woman loyal to you, I’d rather have a dog or something.

I’m all for a woman wanting to rock with me…..but I am not in the business of giving in to terroristic threats from anyone. It’s the height of arrogance in my opinion that these women really think that they are somehow special to the point of feeling like a man should have to deal with the bullshit in order to keep her around.

(**sarcastically) well thank you for allowing me to serve you so that I can bask in your presence.

I mean, yeah, I’ll be there for a friend in need. I’m all for helping a person or friend out who actually needs my help. But when our entire relationship is based upon me mostly catering to her emotions, fragile ego, and whatever the fuck it is to keep her “happy”…. man stall me out on that.

Who wants to be friends with a person who’s loyalty is soley based on what you can do for them? The entitlement is unbelievable. Who wants to sign up for extra work like that with no rewards or pay. Does she really think that giving up pussy is payment for the headache of having to deal with her bullshit? I mean I see sex as an equal exchange. If she doesn’t enjoy it then she’s not gonna fuck with me for too long anyway …right? Plus if she’s not really enjoying it, it’s kind of trash to me anyway.

Who told these women that they were the prize. I prize friendship and loyalty above all and if I cannot have that, then she is really no prize….to me anyway. So if her loyalty is conditional soley based on what I do for her, then it’s not really much of a ‘friendship’. It’s more like “tricking” or “paying to play”. She is just using me for whatever it is that she deems that she needs at the time. If she’s willing to terminate our ‘friendship’ based on not “needing” me anymore, then why in the world would I dedicate/commit myself to her?

These are grown assed independent women. Often their mouths get too gotdamned spicy. Body counts astronomical. Reasoning …often illogical (to my ears). Expectations of a man …unrealistic. Expensive and did I mention needy? Like bruh, I don’t expect my friends to do shit for me except reciprocate. If I cannot reciprocate….say on a 1 to 1 basis…. i don’t expect them to do anything for me as a requirement to be my friend. Just respect me and be there for me (IF I NEED) it. Just like I’d be there for them. But I don’t feel so entitled to anything from them as to base our friendship of them having to do anything outside of that. If they do more than that, I don’t feel entitled to it, I just appreciate it.

Her (and I suspect) a lot of modern women is that they’ve brought into the hype of thinking that they’re some gotdamned goddess or something. No ma’am, you’re a human being. You eat, sleep, shit, piss, and fart like the rest of us mortals. I don’t give a damn how good she looks nor how good the pussy feels. She’s still a fucking human being. I just don’t get why they expect this sort of preferential treatment. You should actually feel lucky to have a man want to deal with your bullshit like that. Yet, you get a simp/blue pilled sucker who is still going for it, and run his ass through the ringer.

Man, I have learned that emotional attachments to these women are bad for your mental health. They get u hooked and you’d do damn near anything to keep them from leaving. They want you to feel like that too because then they have power over you and once they know that you’re not going anywhere….Game on sucker…..u already lost. The best way to combat that is to ALWAYS be willing to walk away and mean it. And you do that by not getting too emotionally attached to her. This ‘love’ game is a contact sport, you gotta protect yourself at ALL TIMES.

If she’s not chasing, she’s worth replacing. I am not playing into that game of being unable to walk away. My heart does not of an off switch when it turns on. So for me, it’s just best not to turn that mf. on. I think they want men to ‘fall in love’ because it gives them power over him. And once they have it they either take it for granted or abuse it. They become entitled and expect MORE because they know he will do everything in his power to keep her from leaving him.

Nah, I’ll pass. That’s too much power to give to someone else. It’s like emotional slavery. I’d rather have my freedom, personal agency, and not put too much stock on her/ her emotional instability, arrogance, and power trips for my personal mental and emotional health.

Biblically speaking, she’s supposed to be a man’s helpmeet, not the other way around. They got the game fucked up today. This isn’t about “love” for most of them, it’s about power and getting their “needs” met by a sucker.

Beaten into Submission?

I’ve been dealing with STBXW for so long from a place of being powerless to stop her from cheating while being married to me. It like I held this idea or institution in high regard for so long. But to see/know that she’s out there getting her back blown out and sucking all kinds of dick….while still married to me, feels like a special kind of hell.

I’ve felt violated for so long that in certain ways, I’m becoming a bit used to it. No I still don’t like it, but it’s like getting beat over and over and over again that the pain becomes a part of you. I’m not sure how this is going to play out on my mental health in the long run. I don’t feel the need/urge to do anything drastic or to hurt anyone. Yet I can feel that this is affecting me in ways that aren’t good. I’m becoming more numb. In certain ways i guess it makes me stronger, yet it feels like this just isn’t right.

I’m really torn between the idea that either STBXW is really just an emotionally immature moron who lacks empathy……or in some ways, she gets pleasure out of knowing that this somehow hurts me. She knows it’s wrong for sure. She knows that she wouldn’t want to be in my shoes. Yet she doesn’t mind placing these shackles on my feet in her pursuit of ….let’s face it, new dick.

I asked again if she’d want a woman to do to our child what she’s doing to me and her answer was NO. “But I’m his mother, of course I wouldn’t want someone to hurt him.” Yet somehow in her head, she’s justified her treatment and disrespect of me. I keep reminding her that it doesn’t have to be this way. Just sign the papers.

I mean seriously, I could never take her back. I have no desire for her as a wife. I could never trust her, be open with her, let alone kiss her, make love to her, or care like I once did. Why does her lack of self respect (and her ability to not recognize that she’s out here disrespecting herself as a woman) have to come at the cost of my own?

How long do I have to endure this bullshit? I’ve never been one to complain, but this is just ridiculous. I don’t do anything to anyone I wouldn’t want done to me. Yet, I am here facing and living through one of the worst tortures a husband can go through by the hands of his so called “wife.”

Why won’t she just sign the damned papers. She’s then free to suck and fuck all the dick she wants. She can be a side chick to Donald Trump for all I care. She can get gutted and slutted out by the Brooklyn Nets. Just don’t associate me with her lack of self respect anymore. It’s so crazy because, SHE was the UNHAPPY one who wants to leave. Why burn the whole gotdamned house down and lock me in it while it burns to the ground.

This is the perfect example of how some women really don’t take accountability for her wicked behavior. I’d imagine that this lack of accountability is why dudes see her as only a side chick and won’t take her seriously. It’s why she has to play side chick to an average man who tells her that she’s doing too much. It’s why she basically has to beg him to come over and essentially buy him gifts, alcohol, and offer pussy and head to keep him. The fact that she SEE NOTHING wrong with any of this makes me really lose complete respect for her.

Yet I feel like shit because of association. Who wants to be known as the man who’s wife is doing this to him? Doesn’t she realize that either a moron or complete and utter loser would take her seriously knowing what she’s doing? To be clear, I really don’t care about the caliber of man she deals with. Maybe like can attract like and she’ll find that. I just don’t want any parts of it….by association or otherwise.

Bad enough that she is my child’s mother and she has no moral obligation to herself to understand that she implicates us all with her dishonor and disrespect.

this hatred and vitriol isn’t me. I’ve never been this way. Yet being beat down so long tends to change certain things about you.

Getting over it.

It’s been about a week since I last heard from my lover and i’m not gonna lie, it’s been hard to keep from reaching out to her just to say hi. Even though in certain ways I feel relief from the pressure of having to deal with figuring out what to do with her ‘relationship’ wise, i do find myself missing her.

You don’t talk to a person almost every day for over 6 years and suddenly get over it. I probably talked to her more than anyone else consistently over that time. But as I like to say, ‘love’ is a bit of an addiction. I’m going cold turkey and it seems that I’m going through withdrawals. Even though tame compared to the shock my body received upon the news of the “wife” affair, it’s still quite an unpleasant experience…. for me anyway.

Though I know this is for the best, I sometimes find myself wondering if she actually misses me. I do know that women tend to check out months if not years before actually pulling the plug on a ‘relationship’…..and i think that I was starting to feel the distance in the past few months. I saw the writing on the wall a while ago and so I knew it was coming sooner or later. This sucks about as bad as I thought it would. But it still sucks. The punches that you don’t see coming hurt the most, but it’s still an unpleasant experience even when you do see them coming. At least I was able to somewhat brace for the impact. Still though, it sucks.

I do love her in a real way and I hope that she knows that I mean it beyond words. I want the best for her, but not gonna lie, at times, my ego sort of hopes that my replacement won’t be as good as me. At least not initially. So here I am, basically, alone. It doesn’t have to be that way and probably wouldn’t be if I wasn’t acting as a single father. I can’t bring a woman around my kid right now … at least until the wife signs her end of the divorce papers. Maybe i should be alone right now for now anyway just so that I can heal. This proving to be a bit hard bcuz STBXW is more involved in my life (for kiddo’s sake) than I’d like for her to be. I’ve been trying to talk her into finally signing the papers….asking that she sign them so we can begin the real process of distentaglement….while also explaining how bad it makes both of us look that she’s out here doing what she’s doing despite being married….and though she doesn’t disagree, it seems that she either doesn’t believe me or really doesn’t care.

I have to take accountability for marrying her. I really can’t say what I saw in her that would me think that she’d be a good wife for me. Perhaps I was fooled by her looks. There are women out here who I think could be a good wife, who are loyal, who are understanding, who understand integrity, and who are actually intelligent. Unfortunately, I married what would be best be described as a side chick. I think there truly is a difference. I do believe that a good woman can make a good man better, but unfortunately, some can actually make him worse. Some can push their men to do / be greater, but others, drive him to bitterness.

She has turned out to be much more of a liability and unfortunately, she cannot see how much I still sacrifice (though it’s mostly for our son). I don’t think she ever will. The person who you marry can definitely impact your life in unimaginable ways. Yet I have to take responsibility for this as me choosing her was a reflection of me and my decision making process at the time.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and hire an attorney as she is probably incapable of ‘doing the right thing’ and getting a nonconetested divorce unless she finds a man who requires it as a necessity to be with him. I personally believe that her ‘lovers’ see who for what she truly is…. a side chick which is why they don’t require that she gets a divorce and marry him. It could really all be so simple….if she were to play ball, but for now, she seems content with being ‘that type of woman.’ And making matters worse, she seems to see nothing wrong with it. While on one hand it certainly is humiliating to know that she’d rather play side chick to these guys than to take accountability, admit she was wrong, and a least try to work on her marriage and family, …. or at the very least not go out like a Jada Pinkett and get a divorce…. (especially since I’ve been adamant about trying to resolve this as peacefully as possible)… is proof positive that she isn’t worth trying to reconcile with (even if she suddenly had a “come to Jesus” moment). This shouldn’t have happened.

A good woman/wife would have never let things get this far. A woman with self respect would respect herself enough to not knowingly play side chick to a guy. The fact that she is actively participating with helping deceive another woman by helping him cheat is just something I find reprehensible. How much more based on the fact that she is also ‘married’. Unfortunately, her mentality does not allow her to see that. She actually believes that she is a ‘good’ woman despite that. It truly is sad and pathetic, but unfortunately, the more I become aware of (many) women’s nature thru the redpill, i realize that her mentality really isn’t uncommon. But then again, so are the number of women who are ‘not’ marriage material. I fucked up with her. It’s my fault, my inaction to do anything is a reflection of me at this point. We’re both losers. I reality is that I deserve all of this until I get off my ass and do something. I know what I’m dealing with (I’ve been known)….and have done nothing about it.

Is Love Enough?

My lover keeps giving me an ultimatum. Give her a ring or she will have to move on. She doesn’t know who she’s fucking with. I’m not Billy Badass, but in all reality, I understand where she’s coming from. We’ve been talking for a while now and I never would have thought in a million years that 6 years later, we’d be still talking. We’ve been talking for about as long as things were actually good between me and STBXW.

Time flies quickly. Unfortunately for her, I am really not any closer to wanting to marry her than I was back then. To be honest, I am really surprised that she held on for this long and throughout our entire duration, I figured that any day would be the last. I kind of always figured that eventually, she’d move on.

I do love her don’t get me wrong. But i cannot figure out how to make it work between us. I have baggage. Kiddo is a packaged deal. It’s a non negotiable for me. She isn’t asking me to forsake him, but I haven’t figured out a way to integrate her into our lives. It doesn’t help that STBXW still hasn’t signed the papers for the noncontested divorce yet. I’m on my third try with this and she isn’t being cooperative. I think it has less to do with her wanting to ‘hold on’ to me and more to do with it’s just not convenient for her to do so. She just hasn’t found anyone else to put pressure on her to do so. Her ‘relationships’ so far appear to have been casual (for the guys anyway) at best. Given her tendency to procrastinate and put things off to the last minute, I just don’t think she sees it as a big deal.

I’ve been somewhat beaten into submission by accepting the fact that even though she technically is my wife on paper, I have to deal with the fact the she’s just out there being a 304. The truth is I cannot really afford a divorce attorney at this point. I could go broke trying to hire one, but shit it’s either go broke or deal with the bullshit. I guess i chose to deal with the bullshit.

I think that with some convincing and an actual plan, I might be able to get my lover to pay for it…..but that doesn’t even sound right. Plus, even though she is a lovely person in many ways, I don’t know if I can keep her happy. Even though she makes a shit ton of money, she says that money isn’t the most important thing to her and doesn’t expect me to ‘catch up’ to her.

I don’t mind the fact that she’d be the primary breadwinner, but her expensive taste is what sort of gives me pause. I think that because I don’t bring the money like that, I’d have to always work even harder to figure out how to keep her happy. This would trigger a level of codependency in me that wouldn’t be attractive to her. Plus right now, I feel that being effectively a ‘single’ father leaves me with very little emotional bandwidth to want to feel obligated to deal with handling an emotional woman.

It’s just not the right timing. Perhaps if I had more money, could buy her a house I think she’d be happy with and afford the wedding and ring she wants, then I’d feel better about asking her to sacrifice so much. But as of right now, I think that we’d be setting ourselves up for failure in the future if we decided to take things to the ‘next level’. I think she’d end up resenting me after a few years when the ‘newness’ of being a wife finally set in for her.

But am i just not being honest with myself? I met this woman at the airport this weekend and while waiting on our delayed flight, we went to a bar and started talking. She was the feminine tomboy type that I find myself having the most interpersonal chemistry with. For some reason, even though they ‘claim to not like men’…. I’ve always been attracted to them. They just seem so much more easy going and practical than typical women. For some reason they are just easier (for me anyway) to talk to. It was one of those situations where we never really ran out of anything to say and when there was nothing left to be said, there was comfortable silence. Conversation just flowed effortlessly and naturally. Jokes just happened like hiccups. I’ve met a few in my life and I can’t lie, I always dug their personalities and what they were able to bring out of me. Like I can just shut my brain off and just be me and be entertained by whatever I say.

She didn’t make a ton of money, but seemed pretty content where she was in life. However, she also seemed to be interested in ways to make more money if the opportunity arose. What’s dope was that she said that she didn’t go out much because she wasn’t familiar with the area and didn’t have a lot friends. Unfortunately, due us talking so much, and the fact that I somehow ended up missing my flight (long story)….I forgot to get her number despite her telling me to put it in my phone.

That being said. I don’t know about marrying her either, but if i were to ever get married again, I think I’d like to try one of them. I don’t like the ones who actually look like guys, but I think the term soft studs apply to ones I like. They actually look like women, but tend to wear pants instead of dresses and skirts. I’ve seen a few that were cute in the face and you could tell that they had decent bodies underneath their clothes. It looks like she’d actually look pretty decent if she decided to dress provocatively.

Idealistically, she’d just want to try a guy. Maybe have a kid. I understand that her attraction to women might kick in every now and again, but shit….i’d be cool with that as long as she was honest with me. For some reason, even though people say they are ‘masculine’, I find that they tend to be more cooperative than most women. They dress more modestly. They are more logical/reasonable. And are probably more aligned with things that I like to do. Old girl at the airport wansn’t exactly a 10 in looks, but she was a solid 6 in the face….and that’s without even trying. And i could tell that she had an ass on her. Maybe if she fixed that walk, but I might be able to work with it.

I don’t know if they’d even want to be married for real for real, but if were to have another child, I’d want one with one of them. It would be (as superficial as it is) part of my original goal as a youth to have 2 or 3 cool baby mamas. Maybe it’s the idea that they’d be low maintenance and it seems that a genuine friendship would be more important than the formalities required in a traditional relationship.

Either way, meeting her got me to wondering if my lover was like her type and wanted to get married, would I have as much problem with asking her to sacrifice for me. Would I ask her to move from her where she was to here for me? The honest answer is, I don’t think so. I think that I’d at least ask her if she really wanted to try the ‘family’ thing. Even if i was unsure of whether or not it would work out in the long run.

But maybe this is because I wouldn’t think that she’d require or would be disappointed if she didn’t have big wedding, fancy dress, nice ring, and luxury house. I think she’d be content with a regular life. Not that my lover is huge consumer of luxury goods, but she really does enjoy the nicer things in life. She wouldn’t be caught dead in say a Ramada Inn if we decided to take an impromptu trip or something and wanted to save a little money.

In short, she’d be supporting her ‘luxury’ tastes and would have to either foot the bill for ‘us’ to do so or I’d go broke trying to go in at least 50/50 on it. Those things don’t matter to me as the experience of just being with my person. If it came down to an either/or I wouldn’t hesitate to go the local Applebees with a person I enjoy over going to 5 star michelin resturaunt in Paris with someone who I was just ‘meh’ about. I’d do with no regrets, even if me and my person didn’t work out in the end.

Maybe it’s me being classist or something. Maybe I’m looking down on her because of her luxury tastes. But at the same time, I just don’t’ want to be under the pressure doing shit like that to keep her happy. Maybe it’s based in fear. Maybe she is telling the truth in that it doesn’t matter to her. But in my gut, I think she is sincere, but I don’t think it’s the truth. I think she would harbor resentment and it would manifest someway or another, even if she doesn’t say it with her words. I do realize that i could actively creating a self fulfilling prophecy with this kind of thinking. Maybe that’s something to consider a bit more as well.

Despite all of our differences, I really do love her. She is very dear to my heart. I adore her. But I do have a fear of disappointing her. Maybe that’s my issue or maybe I’m just being practical about our situation. I just don’t know if Love is enough.

A Thorn in My Side

It is so strange that for some reason, I sometimes have a desire to reach out to and talk to STBXW. I really have nothing to say to her. I don’t expect her to ‘change’ her mind and even if she did, I still would be 99% skeptical about her intentions. I don’t think she’ll ever be sorry nor understand the implications behind her actions. I know that she doesn’t truly love me and probably never really did outside of the ‘superficial’ feelings she experienced at the time.

I don’t expect that I’ll say something to her and she’ll suddenly be like “aahhhh, I see it now….I get it….you were right.” The things she’s done, the lies, the betrayal, is just a part of who she is. It’s a part of her character (or lack thereof). A ‘happily ever after’ marriage wasn’t in the cards for us. But her betrayal shows that it never could have been. I truly believe that it’s just not in certain people to do certain things to others under normal circumstances.

I mean even IF she somehow does manage to start seeing things my way, it’s like, there are so many things that make her less than an ideal wife for me. There is no turning back. I’ve never been the type of person to chase after a woman who doesn’t desire me. I have way too much self respect or ‘pride’ for that. Plus, a woman’s beauty doesn’t have the same effect on me as it once did. On top of that, STBW isn’t exactly 10. She was MY 10, but objectively, though she is decent looking. Looks aren’t such a priority for me that I’d be willing to subject myself to this level of disrespect from anyone. IDC if she looked like Joy Bryant or Zoe Saldana (two of the most beautiful women in the world to me), I just couldn’t see myself taking the bullshit.

So, if looks isn’t a factor, personality isn’t a factor, character definitely isn’t a factor…..I don’t know where this annoying desire to wonder what’s up with her comes from. Things really should be about ‘business’ only at this point. I should truly see her as a necessary ‘evil’ in my life. I should be as unengaged as I am about the political climate in this country. I should have reached complete apathy by this point.

I have painfully gone though one of biggest fears that almost any normal healthy man would face when it comes to his wife….infidelity and betrayal to another man. Obviously, there would be a lot of pain and adjusting to do. Yet, I haven’t fully disengaged to the point where I’d like to be. Complete apathy if not aversion. What is wrong with me?

Where is the disconnect? Not to boast, but I have two lovely women very interested in me right now. Yet, I am worried about someone who betrayed me so thoroughly. A person who betrayed my heart and my son. This person who cannot and has not reasonably justify her actions and yet feels no remorse. A person who had to know the damage they were doing to me while she was doing it.

Is this some sort of Stockholm Sydrome type of thing. A trauma bond that I haven’t been able to fully disentangle myself from? Surely I can’t be this pathetic? I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it. Being married to that woman feels like some sort of curse or something. Perhaps I just have to face the karma/consequences of my actions.

Looking back on some old emails we exchanged back in the beginning of our relationship; I think that she was actually with her ex boyfriend. Though I didn’t know the nature of the relationship….either I was led to believe it was effectively over or maybe I simply ignored it….perhaps this is my sentence for dealing with another man’s woman. Maybe there is a spiritual component to this. Maybe it explains why the king in the story of Abraham and Sarah got shook when he discovered that she was his actually his wife and not his sister. Maybe I am cursed and am in violation of “God’s law” (a spiritual rule). In a similar way as to how ‘ignorance’ of the law (of say something like electricity) does not absolve you from facing the consequences of being electrocuted if you do something wrong.

I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can finally move on.

He don’t want you sis?

My friend and I do not see eye to eye on a topic that I rarely hear discussed. It seems that the perception that a lot of women have is that if a man doesn’t want to get into a relationship or “wife” her, then he either doesn’t value her OR he is just using her for sex. In other words, he doesn’t “want” her.

This idea has me thoroughly perplexed as I don’t think I get the meaning of “want”.

What does she even mean by “want” her. To want something implies that you can “have” or “possess” something. I want a Dodge Ram pickup truck, but that implies that I own it. I am free to do whatever I please with it. It does what I want it to and doesn’t have a choice but to obey my wishes.

How can you “possess” a person? I mean, what specifically would I “want” with a woman besides a good time, intimacy, sex, and companionship. However, it seems that in order to keep that going, there is a LOT of maintenace and expectations required. Plus, she is under no obligation to always say yes.

Perhaps more context is needed. I mean take a friends with benefits situation. I do want her in the sense that I like the things she provides in my life. I do like her as a person. But not in the sense of feeling like I own her. I do desire certain things from her, but not enough to commit.

Maybe she means that I don’t want to commit. Instead of leaving it open like “he doesn’t want you”…..perhaps she should be more specific and say that he doesn’t want a committed relationship with her.

I like it better stated that way because if I didn’t want her in any capacity, I just wouldn’t deal with her. Leaving it at he doesn’t “want” her implies that he doesn’t value her at all and if that is the case then why would I be dealing with her in the first place?

However, it does imply that if she takes that “value” away, then I probably wouldn’t deal with her. That’s fair, however, I find hypocritical for the to say I’m wrong for that if she’d do the same thing to me if I stopped providing whatever value she thinks that I provide for her.

It really just goes back to the idea that you cannot own or possess people. If I decided to bite the bullet and take her on in a committed relationship….and she decided that either the “grass is greener on the other side” or she no longer valued whatever it is that she values now, would she be obligated to stick with me out of some principle? I wouldn’t even want someone to be there who doesn’t want to be there. They would be free to leave.

In addition, if I were not providing some value to her life, then why would she even deal with me in the first place?

I don’t get it. My friend thinks that a man who doesn’t commit to a woman doesn’t value her and is wasting her time. My reply is that if she is always free to leave him alone if she feels that way then why won’t she just do it. For example, if we were in a committed relationship and I was an ungrateful and lazy asshole who verbally abused her…..obviously that situation wasn’t working for her, then she should just leave it. In the same vein, then if she wants the ‘title’ and not having it isn’t working, then she could just as easily leave out of the situation.

Titles or “commitment” don’t stop anyone from leaving where they don’t want to be these days. Neither do they stop a person who wants to sleep around from sleeping around….or lying…. or doing anything they feel inclined to do. What difference does it make?

Ok, say we get into a “relationship” and things just don’t work out. Wasn’t it just a big of a waste of time as never being in one in the first place?

An analogy I like to use is that when you go on vacation, you go for a good time. You’re not trying to move there. So just because I don’t plan on moving there, does that mean that the trip was a waste of time. I mean you build memories and get to experience something pleasurable. So even when it’s time to “go home”, it wasn’t a waste of time. She won’t admit that my marriage was a waste of time. But either way, the outcome was still the same. Except now, we have to go through the arduous process of disentangling ourselves from each other as opposed to been able to have clean break.

Women and men leave marriages and relationships all the damned time for various reasons….some good and some bad. But was the marriage a waste of time? By her logic, pretty much all failed relationships were a waste of time. Idk, i just say enjoy the moment, but don’t expect for them to last forever.

I really think that all of this boils down to her wanting a “man” to deal with her bullshit. Just speaking to her, I couldn’t be her man. She’s cool. But she’s too damned needy and demanding. Like most women, they feel entitled for a man to give her the world. Keep her happy. Deal with her emotional bullshit. Mood swings. Wine her. Dine her. Take her on vacations. Ultimately many want for him pay her bills. And what do we get out of it. To say that we do all of that shit for her? And even if we manage to do all that, if she gets bored or tired or finds someone else she likes, she’s leaving anyway. If I lose my job or go through depression, will be feel obligated to faithfully stay by my side. Hell nall.

I don’t see how commitment benefits me in the slightest. And it’s not all about just me being selfish. It’s about being a realist and understanding that while I could decide to jump on that hamster wheel of trying to keep a woman happy in hopes that she won’t leave or cheat…..ultimately, she is under no obligation not to do so. Given that most put “their personal happiness” above all things, then I would be on the hook for making sure she is either reaching those goals or on the path towards it. Otherwise, I’d risk her leaving me anyway.

So why sign up for the job in the fist place. So yeah, I do want her for certain things. And yeah I don’t mind doing things that make her happy. Yes, I also want her to be happy. But I don’t want to be responsible for it. I don’t require it from her and I think it’s unfair for her to require it from me.

In that sense i can say that no I guess I don’t want her. I don’t want all the bullshit that comes along with trying to keep another MF happy. I don’t want the pressure of having to prove myself to her over and over again and should I fail once or twice, then she’s looking at me like I’m the asshole.

The reality is that I don’t want her because I understand that she is never mine, it’s just my turn. It’s stupid to desire something that requires so much effort and maintenance to maintain, that will leave you if you don’t. Fuck that, I see commitment as something completely different. Commitment to me means that you stick together through thick and thin. Good and bad times. When you feel like it and when you don’t. Whether you’re happy about it or not. I really don’t think that most women understand this. My friend even told me that she’d leave a relationship that she wasn’t “happy” in.

To me commitment means that you don’t to the gym or train only when you “feel” like it.

They want the benefits of a commitment, but not what comes along with it. Well the same applies to me with her. The only difference is that I don’t require commitment because I know that they mean something different than what I mean. I’m not signing up to be her personal genie in a got damned bottle. Of course it’s much easier for her to want a relationship where the other person is required to do much more than you. I am always required to bring something to the table and for her, most of the time, what she brings is optional.

The Delusion that Destroyed the Family

I am trying to understand why so many women think that they are worth marrying. I mean sincerely.

It’s like, to me anyway, loyalty is the most important virtue I could think of when I look for a wife. Not conditional loyalty, but not necessarily blind loyalty either. It does however err on the side of blind loyalty.

Conditional loyalty seems that they are only ‘loyal’ when it benefits them. It seems that many will not just throw you under the bus to save themselves, but will also throw you under the bus if they think it can give them an advantage.

Hence, the idea of hypergamy. Hence why grass is greener syndrome is a real thing. This is where I believe that greed, selfishness, and entitlement comes into play. If they believe that they can get a “bigger, better deal” elsewhere, they will abandon their vows or word to you in order to get it. They justify it by saying (and probably actually feeling) that they “deserve” the best of the best. Even if that means throwing her man / and family under the bus in order to get the chance of getting it.

Because this is dishonorable and disgraceful (and many know it on a subconscious level), in order to justify it, they have to reconcile it by telling themselves that they are “miserable” or “unhappy”. Or that they “deserve” better. To make this work, they have to change their perspective of the man by highlighting his weakness, down playing his strengths. Often time this comes in the form of exaggerating how “bad” he is. While minimizing or overlooking his good qualities. They make themselves unhappy by focusing on the 20% they don’t have while not appreciating the 80% they do have.

If persisted in, this cognitive dissonance causes her to justify her destructive behavior and she does not feel guilty. She feels that it is a necessity. That it is justified even. Sort of how people compartmentalize killing during times of war.

She must not feel the hit to the ego (aka guilt) and will use all sorts of mental gymnastics in order to prevent this. She may outright lie and the scary part is that a lie persisted in will be believed. In essence, she believes the lies that she tells herself.

You can see this quite often when she is caught cheating in her unpredictable reactions. She exhibits a form of madness when reality comes crashing down upon her. She may get violent, or she may start doing things like threatening to ruin the guy’s life. Her anger comes from a place of confusion as she cannot remember that she was lying and is unable to reconcile reality with the illusions she created for herself. Unfortunately, many are too proud to see themselves as anything less than perfect and are unable to simply say “I was wrong.” Most would rather persist in “her truth” instead of facing the consequences of their destructive/immoral/ and selfish decisions.

This is why many are unapologetic about the evils they do and are unable to accept accountability for their actions. This is why I believe that many do face a form of mental illness. I think the bible describes it as having a reprobate mind. Society seems to handle them with “kiddie” gloves when it comes to holding them accountable for their actions. We are hesitant to “call them out” on it and if we do, we do it as tactfully as possible because we seem to be afraid of shattering their egos. This leads to them being unable to self reflect, thus they easily persist in “bad behaviors” even if they destroy everyone and everything around them.

I think this is why so many women hated Kevin Samuels. He was not tactful. He held them accountable. They got a taste of what men go through when we aren’t performing honorably. Men are often more harsh with our words and to our boys when we are “fucking up.” We learn quickly that there are consequences for our mistakes/ bad decisions. I think that they subconsciously feared what would happen if men universally adopted this method of handling them as we handle boys and men in our society.

In my opinion, another major reasons why women in the west generally aren’t marriageable is because they lack accountability. They don’t have to face consquences for their disloyalty to their men or families. They are not made to feel shame or guilt for making poor or bad decisions that hurt others. They are constantly treated as victims no matter what role they played in their predicaments. No matter what happens, it’s the man’s fault … either he was neglectful, not laying it down in the bedroom, he wasn’t ambitious enough, or anything to point the finger at him to cause her “bad behavior.”

In addtion to having no/little accountability for their behavior, they are also encouraged to pursue their own “happiness” no matter who it hurts or how they have to get it.

Given the fact that so many are led by their greed (for material things) and lust. They pursuit of these things often coincide with their “happiness”. Society has placed them on a pedestal, while at the same time convinced them that they are victims. They bought into the lie because again, society generally does not hold them accountable for their bad behavior. It often encourages it. They do terrible things and feel like a victim the natural consequences of those behaviors arise.

If a man were to abandon or leave his wife and family because he felt “unhappy”, he is ridiculed by his peers or looked down upon. Even if the woman isn’t treating him well or if she’s taking him for granted, he is still expected to suck it up and protect and provide. He is expected to either suffer or ‘figure it out’. He is expected to take the flaming arrows and bullets in order to protect his family It is shameful to abandon his duties. It is perceived as dishonorable. There may be men who actually do go ahead with abandoning their families, but by and large, these men are not perceived as honorable men. It isn’t encouraged or seen an “empowering.”

On the flip side, women (even in cases where abuse or infidelity aren’t present) …many women encourage her to pursue what makes her happy. They call her empowered. They justify and say things like “how can my kids be happy, if I’m not happy.” Even if her “happiness” comes from a place of selfish entitlement. There is never any context to why she was unhappy to begin with. Duty and obligation are not taken into consideration.

Squatter’s Rights

I don’t know why I’m so pressed about STBXW and her shenanigans. I really have 0 reason to respect her. From my POV, she not only abandoned our marriage, which proves disloyalty. She obviously doesn’t want me, which is normally a prerequisite for me being interested in a serious relationship with someone. She lies about her intentions of wanting to live in NY. Though she claims it’s because she makes “more money”; the reality is that she spends more than she would have if she lived here due to having to help split our regular bills AND pay for and apartment up there and having to pay for back and forth flights. Thus it evens out, probably to the point where she is keeping less.

This is her 3rd or fourth affair where she’s playing side chick to a dude who really doesn’t feel her like that. So many levels of the lack of self respect to that. So between actually losing money and chasing a loser guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with her…..and not being present for our son….and buying this guy gifts for fathers day, while neglecting her child’s actual father who actually takes care of him day in and day out on that day. (it’s not about the gift to me, it’s the principle).

In addition to the fact that she is married. She’s the one who decided to leave, but she is the one who too gotdamned lazy to sign her part of the divorce papers despite paying for legal assistance already. Not to mention that she’s stupid enough to actually believe the lies she tells herself about her motives for actually being there.

I’ve already accepted the fact that I picked bad. Her external appearance (of now) doesn’t reflect the poor character that she has shown to me. She actually said out of her mouth that she doesn’t think she’s a bad person because she doesn’t treat anyone else the way she treats me. Like ma’am, so you think it’s ok to treat your own husband and father of your child (who actually raises him) and also does way more for you like shit. Does she actually believe that just because she is treating some dude who is cheating on his girl with her like a king (actually begging him to come by and she’ll provide the liqour and food, just for the chance to suck him off)….as he treats her like a whore of convenience…. makes her a good woman?

You see this is the shit that burns me up on the inside. Picture a 40 something year old woman with this mentality. She’s pathetic. Actually willing to take a father out of his children’s lives. Trying to put love spells on him “to break the spell” that she thinks that his child’s mother / girlfriend put on to him. Spending money on dollar tree candles and fake psychics and burning them in my apartment on her visits pretending that they are to clear her chakras or some stupid shit.

This chick is nuts. I know all this because, yeah, I snoop thru her phone during her visits. She doens’t know I have the passcode. Yes it’s wrong, but I am unapologetic about it because otherwise, I wouldn’t know how far she’s fallen. I wouldn’t realize how unsalvageable this situation is and probably be trying to figure out how to “fix” things in an attempt to save our marriage and family.

Just saying, you gotta be down pretty bad by literally begging a dude (with a girlfriend) to come by just for a few minutes. She’s texting this dude paragraphs while he responds with one liners. Even going so far as to tell her to stop texting him so much. Yet when I used to text or send her videos pertaining to healthy communication or what not, she barely (if even) watches them.

So having self respect… least to the degree of not pursuing something so not worth it… motives in the beginning was to save our family….but now that I know, I realize this isn’t something that I could ever forget…..let alone forgive. Now, my motives are to somehow preserve a semblance getting along in an attempt to shield our son from the toxic nature of her chicken head mentality. If i responded in kind or with force to the disrespect I’m getting from HER of all people, then i could imagine the psychological toll it would take on her.

In certain ways, it feels as if I’m a human shield protecting him from flaming arrows being shot by her. I titled this post, squatter’s rights because I wanted to write about how it feels that she is taking up too much real estate in my mind without paying any rent. She is so not worth it.

Even though someday I hope that she wakes up and really understands what the fuck she’s doing. The reality is that she probably won’t. She’ll still walk around thinking she’s a ‘good’ / ‘decent’ person. She thinks that she deserves “love” from this guy. Or any guy for that matter. My question is how in the fuck does she think she deserves any kind of happy ending despite the selfish, wicked, and evil she has done to her own husband and family.

Shit….and this is who I picked to “risk it all” for? I seriously gotta question at this point, what the fuck was wrong with me back then. Surely there had to have been some red flags that I missed.

And looking back, perhaps it is my karma. When I met her, I think I do recall my cousin telling me that she had a boyfriend. Despite that I told her to give her my number. She ended up calling and for some reason, I started thinking that the situation with her ‘boyfriend’ was either ending or had recently ended. Or maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. Either way, it was too recent at the time. She did mention something about trying to recoup a down payment for a wedding venue.

Selfish Modern Women

I am really starting to get disgusted by the idea of most women in the west. Perhaps it is the rhetoric online. Maybe all or most women aren’t truly like that. But if they are, then I’d rather be alone.

I have no idea why most of these able bodied, grown women, with opportunity to work actually feel that it’s a man’s job to be the sole provider in a family here in America in 2023. It seems that many, if not most, think that going in half of the bills is some sort of insult. As if a man is less than a man if he requires that she gives her best to the relationship.

When in history of the black community in the U.S. has it been that the women just stayed and home while the men worked. It wasn’t like that for my grandparents. But maybe it was for some families. But even if that was the case, the reality is that women did not have the same opportunities back then as they do today. They now have just as much opportunity (arguably more) as men to get out and bring money in to the household.

Many of them today feel as if IF SHE CHOOSES to work, then her money should only be used for the minimal things in the house. The concept of 50/50….(where she pays half) is like a crime to her. Many say that she cannot respect a man if she has to pay 50 percent of the bills.

To be clear, it’s not about paying 50 percent to me. It’s about being willing to contribute what you have to the home. I’d have no problem with paying 90% or even 100% depending on the circumstances. But my mentality is that it’s about us and our family. Not ME and then the family. If we’re married, then it’s OUR money… matter who makes the most of it.

What on God’s green earth gives them this sense of entitlement? Like seriously, what on earth makes her think that she is entitled to anybody’s resources when she can go out and get it on her own. Why should a man have to pay her way when she is a full bodied able adult? What do we get in return for all of this? It’s as if she thinks she’s doing us a favor by being with us or something. It’s disgusting. It’s like having an ungrateful, spoiled child who doesn’t really contribute anything, yet feeling entitled to everything you have. I gotta pay you to be nice to me? Then damn right, every interaction would be very transactional.

What is she doing to make a man’s life THAT much better? I understand that some men may not want their wives working, but to me that’s an old school tradition. I really get the sense that MOST modern women really think that they should be on a pedestal looking down on their man. They don’t want partner, they want a slave. They want to be kept. No, they feel they deserve to be kept. In order to justify it, they’ll say bullshit like, “women turn houses into homes”….wtf?

If she does, she’s doing it for her.

Most men don’t care about bullshit like matching bathroom decor and “live, love, laugh” towel racks.

Do they really think that their used up box is really worth slaving away for? Is it their wonderful strong disgreeable personalities what we crave? How about emotional bullshit we have to deal with? Maybe we like having to deal with sassy, smart mouths who are always right. Yeah, we just love the conditional “love” they give us based on our incomes.

The most asinine thing I think that we have taught our sons is to cater to a woman in exchange for conditional love and tentative loyalty.

Seriously man, who wants a “friend” who will only be good to you if you pay to be around them? That really sounds like prostitution to me anyway. May as hire a damned escort or something. Are we as men that lonely and desperate for a big butt and smile that we’d willingly take this sort of treatment?

Then, instead of looking at their success as an opportunity to contribute more to the family, they instead look at it like “his money is OUR money, but my money is my money. God forbid if she makes more of the money. They lose respect for you. How is it that for one woman, 90k a year is sufficient IF she’s making less. But if she’s making 150 or more, it’s not good enough.

Yet they won’t hesitate in dating a man who makes way more than them.

I could be the same man as I am today and win the lottery tomorrow and I guarantee that women would swear they love me and want to be with me. They’d swear it wasn’t for the money, but it’s because I’m me. If I were to share what I had with her and then somehow lose it, they’d also be gone.

It’s sad, disgusting, and almost depressing that their love can be bought by the highest bidder. Yet they think they are ‘good’ people. They think that they deserve the Cinderella treatment, when their hearts are as wicked as the evil stepsisters. They are the reason the Prince of Zamunda in coming to America pretended to be a regular guy instead of a Prince.

I’m just saying, what gives them this ‘entitlement’. Is it simply because she was born with a vagina? I blame simps for this shit who act like vagina is the end all be all of everything. They have women out her acting like she is an actual goddess or something.

I do believe that if I were to ever get stupid rich, I’d Leonardo DiCaprio and deal with the finest chicks until I got tired of her. Fuck marriage though. These rich rappers and celebrities who have all these baby mama’s have the right idea. Women probably wouldn’t deal with them if they didn’t have the money. So why not replace them once it gets old. Why not cheat if they are only with you because you a have a bag in the first place.

Their attitudes about the utility of a man and their immorality makes them disgusting creatures on the inside to me. I see why the passport bro’s want to go overseas to get away from these evil women. They will probably run into the same issues however, but at least those women pretend to respect them.

I wonder if my lover would move back to Atlanta if I won the lottery tomorrow?

I’m really not feeling most of them. I think we should start treating them they way they treat us. If you’re not making the same money as me or better, then I can’t deal with you. I’m better than you. If I can’t do better than you, then I’d rather be alone.

But that would make me just as classist and elitest as them. They complain that there are no good men out there but I’d argue that for just as few “good men” out there in their opinion. There are fewer “good” women.

Getting Unstuck

I think that I gave my power away to STBXW because I never felt that she was truly sorry for how she treated me. I was expecting an apology. I was expecting more respect. When not given that respect that I feel that I deserved….and at the same time, to see her continuously purposely offend me, but yet seemingly get away with it… I think that I wanted to feel some sense of justice.

I was stuck waiting for an apology. Or just wanting to hear her say ” you were right.”

Words like karma or “she’ll be sorry someday” comes to mind. This need for a sincere apology or desire for her to somehow “make it right” or just acknowledgement from her that she was wrong in how she behaved is keeping me stuck in place.

I was wondering how it was that I am still so hung up over her. It’s not that I want her back. I know that I could never trust her. She the type of women that I should have placed myself in such a vulnerable position with. And for that I have to take accountability for getting myself unstuck.

I don’t blame myself for her actions. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good to her. And I feel that I deserved better treatment and more respect. Despite not receiving that, this overwhelming sense of requiring or needing some form of remorse from her is keeping me stuck in this position of extreme vexation with her.

Perhaps this is the final key of completely being “over it”. It’s not really a matter of ‘forgiving’ as I once thought. It’s just a matter of accepting that sometimes, some people can get over on you and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it except keep it pushing. Sometimes, people can disrespect you, and you’re powerless to do anything about it. I mean you can, but in some instances, it’s better to just let it go….as retaliation isn’t worth the consequences that comes along with it.

Perhaps ‘turning’ the other cheek sometimes means a series of events as opposed to just one incident. As my dad used to say “Pick your Battles.” Sometimes, winning a battle isn’t worth it if you risk losing the entire war. In this case, retaliation (in a self satisfactory way) would promote a toxic environment for kiddo. The question is though; How do I simply accept this without losing self dignity or self respect.

This further begs the question of what is the difference between pride and self respect? In this case, I’d say they my ego definitely gets the better of me at times. In many ways, I get so angry when I catch her in lies and deception because it feels that she thinks that she is “smarter” or “better” than me. Perhaps this is me projecting insecurities in thinking that I am just not “good” enough for her.

How could she truly be smarter or better if I know that she’s lying? How could she be smarter or better is she is willing to compromise her integrity (sell her soul) for superficial things in life. Even if not for me….how could she justify being an adulteress, splitting her home, and leaving her own son for weeks on end for dick and money? She is missing out on him growing up. And again, a woman who I’d consider “good” or “worthy” to carry the title of “wife” could not conceive of doing such a thing.

I can’t respect a person who does not see the value of putting their child’s needs before their selfish wants. How can I respect a person who does not see the difference between their wants and needs? In short, I do think that she is a selfish moron who lacks self reflection. She’s arrogant, has a busted moral compass, and overestimates her own ambition.

Her judgment of me should not have as much weight as it should as I do not see her opinions as worthy of consideration insofar as how I should judge myself. Again, it might be different if I deemed her worthy as a good (hell, even decent) woman. This judgment of her isn’t based on the fact she doesn’t want to be with me. It’s based on her actions. The lies, the affairs, and deceit. This woman is a snake, untrustworthy, and about as deep as a Saharan puddle.

So her “lack of respect” for me shouldn’t hold any weight because based off the way she moves (at least by conventional standards), she doesn’t respect herself. Ironically, I don’t think that she considers what she does as showing a lack of self respect. However, it’s becoming apparent that INTEGRITY isn’t a part of her ethos.

I don’t even respect men who play side dude to a ‘taken’ woman. Let alone one who begs and pleads for the woman to leave her family to come be with him. How much less can I respect a woman who doesn’t mind being a side chick and playing a role in destroying….not only her own household, but that of another woman. People like that disgust me.

I must be careful however to disregard the lessons I’ve learned from this experience insofar as what I could have done better in our marriage. Despite the fact that I don’t think that I brought any ‘deal-breakers’ to the table for a decent woman. I do think that there are things that I would do better next time. I just have to make sure that I do not blame myself for her actions in light of my own short comings.

I think that her power over me is that I am somehow feeling that it’s my fault because of my imperfections. Maybe deep down, I think that she may be justified in her actions. This can’t be the case though. Even if she had left me, she would have moved a LOT differently if she was truly a woman worth feeling bad about losing.

I can only take solace in knowing that if any man does truly “take” her on….then either he knows the truth about what she did and is a damn fool to take chance with her. He is a man of low morals and it’s just a matter of time before it goes down hill. Or based on her past tendencies to be deceptive, she is lying about the true nature of what she did. If that is the case, then it shows that she has learned “nothing” and that relationship is bound to fail based on being founded on lies and deception. The question turns into….who is gonna hurt who the most.

What man would “wife” a woman who had multiple affairs on her ex. Who would willingly leave her own child for so long just to be with another man…under the (self delusion) that she’s doing it for the extra money. And if if the latter was truly the case, what mother would actually be ok with doing that if she could make a decent living without going through such extreme measures.

She missed out on a lot of his childhood due to her greed and selfishness. He missed out on a lot due to her absence and willingness to put her own desires before his needs. She does not understand this because of the type of woman that she is. Selfish and shortsighted. And again, due to this, I think I am justified in thinking that she is NOT a woman worthy of the title of wife.

As much as women these days like to complain about the lack of good/decent men out there, she had one (though not perfect), she had the opportunity to break generational curses, but was too selfish to enjoy or appreciate the opportunity. She also seems to have no problem in preserving a decent friendship despite things not working out. It would take a complete and utter fool to believe that one could treat someone like shit, be unapologetic about it….and expect them to just be hunky dory with the situation. All in all, I think that I didn’t deserve this. Kiddo didn’t deserve it. And she didn’t deserve the opportunity to be with me in that capacity.

Despite all of this, I have to get over the notion that someday, she’ll see it when karma kicks her in the ass. Even if it does, I wonder if he she has the intellectual capacity to see that her misfortune (if it does) was of her own doing. Somehow, I doubt it. And for that, it would seem that waiting on karma would just be me being “a hater”. If she had the capacity for ‘understanding’, she never would have done this in the first place.