Where they at tho

Was talking to STBXW last night on an issue she was having with one of her “female friends”. I was quite surprised that she opened up to me and talked about something so personal. I could have handled it by simply answering the question. And I did…. at first, but as we started digging, I pointed out her hypocrisy. Her conclusion was that her ‘friend’ was selfish and probably not someone she’d want to hang around.

In her story, the friend invited her to come out to her home to spend the night. She had to travel a couple of hours to get there, but by the time she arrived to the city, the friend didn’t answer the phone. She was pissed and said that the friend knew she was on the way, but ended up going to sleep before she got there. She was saying how angry and disrespected she felt. Also stating that the friend was very “selfish” for doing that.

I told her I understood, but I think it’s a bit hypocritical for her to be THAT angry….considering how she did me. I was like it was inconsiderate of her, but maybe you can now understand how selfishness can hurt the people you’re supposed to be ‘cool’ with. Instead of acknowledging, that she could see where I’m coming from….she went on a tirade about how this has nothing to do with that. And even had the audacity to say “this is why we could never work.”…..smh

I agreed and said, yeah, exactly.

I have no clue as to why in her mind that I would even consider taking her back. Then again, I have come the conclusion that she is batshit crazy.

It seems that this level of delusion, selfishness, and lack of self reflection isn’t uncommon in a LOT of women. From my homegirl T, to my lover, to STBXW, to the trainwrecks I see on youtube on a daily basis, and on social media…..it’s starting to get me to the point of really understanding how rare it is to find a woman of substance.

It’s like I cannot talk to these women in any meaningful way.

Another part of last night’s story was that I gave STBXW the analogy of if someone had stolen something from her, then later came back complaining about how someone stolen something from them. Or if I had cheated on her, then later came back and complained about how someone had cheated on me.

She didn’t seem to grasp how even though they were different situations, the PRINCIPLES were the same. And I’ve noticed that with the women I mentioned above, despite being highly educated and in their 30’s and 40’s….they seem to have difficulty grasping analogies.

Conversation is a frustrating endeavor indeed. They seem to prefer gossip and entertainment over deeper conversations. I get it, perhaps I do like to go a little deep. But it’s hard to want to be with a woman who’s approach to life is so superficial. IMO, these women should not really be able to make decisions. I know it sounds condescending….and perhaps it its….but they seem to have the emotional maturity of children.

It seems to be some cruel trick of fate that such women can command such high incomes, yet still have the emotional capacity of a middle schooler. I get it. Women are emotional, I get it. But it’s hard to respect a person who allows their emotions to override common sense. If you can’t control yourself and use “emotions” as an excuse to make poor decisions, it’s like you can’t be trusted. It makes you less than human imo because we all have the ability to do so. What’s lacking is the will and the integrity. Add that to the fact that they use it as an excuse to never hold themselves accountable, then why should they enjoy the same freedoms as men who are expected to hold themselves and be held accountable.

I get that you can’t control your feelings sometimes, but you are responsible for your actions. I can feel like slapping the shit out of someone, but it doesn’t give me an excuse to put my hands on them except in self defense. But if I do allow my emotions to dictate my actions, and I cause harm to someone, I will usually be held accountable in some shape or form for it.

Ya know though, despite all my complaints about finding spending time and conversation with most women as tolerable at best…..i still hold out the hope that there is someone out there who I can have a meaningful connection with. Perhaps it is a pipe dream, but it’s pretty much all I got at this point. Perhaps I’m getting too old, or maybe it’s maturity. But one reason I don’t feel the need to ‘chase’ a woman is because I haven’t found one yet that really stands out to me in a deeper way. Superficial beauty is one thing. And STBXW fit the bill way back then. But after that experience, I’ve come to realize that I need something MORE. And perhaps weeding through all the bots will eventually help me appreciate the right one even more should she ever come along. And if we did have that deeper connection and mutual attraction. SHE would be worth fighting for. But I’d like to hope that we’d be willing to fight for each other.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out better ways to cope with these bots and get along better with them so that I can pretend for long enough to get the pussy then get out. A man got needs too ya know.

It really does take all of that

My homegirl loves to say….”if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kat”. It’s a pretty nonsensical statement to me because a man could definitely want to have sex with her, but not want to be her man.

But what does it even mean to “want her”. I’m at a loss with that. What would ‘wanting a woman’ entail. I mean technically, if her “kat” is attached to her, he does want her if he wants sex.

But Does that mean he likes to hang out with her? Perhaps it means that he wants to marry her someday. He wants to bask in her presence or something.

I don’t understand. Perhaps the simping has been beaten out of me at this point. I don’t know what it means to want a woman. Like, I love my family and friends, but what does ‘wanting’ them mean.

When I think of “being her man” it’s like asking to be her slave. Like I was trying to convey to her, it seems that the requirement to keep a woman “happy” is so high whereas men generally ask for very little. We pretty much just ask for loyalty, cooperation (not necessarily ‘submission’), sex, and maybe a sandwich here and there.

To keep a woman “happy” however, he needs to keep her from being “bored”. He needs to damn near be a therapist. He has to keep things “spicy”. He has to wine and dine her. He has to give her a lot of attention. He has to take her on vacations. He has to buy the ocassional expensive gift. He has to constantly show how much he appreciates her. He has to be responsible for leading her somewhere. He has to make sure he’s ambitious enough, but needs to be able to figure out how to give her enough time. He has find that balance between being supportive and not being a pushover. He has to occassionally “put her in her place.” He has to deal with swaying emotions. He has to be the protector. He has to be the provider. Be The voice of reason. He has to keep her laughing. He has to “change” on her schedule.

Failure to do any of this….Or if she finds a guy who is willing to do some of what you may not be doing, then she feels that she deserves better or justified in cheating. Or she may just stop putting out because she is no longer attracted. But he still better not cheat or he’s the worst thing since the first coming of Hitler.

A man truly has to be in love to want to sign up for this risky one sided proposition. Many will try and often times succeed at many of the tasks. But she never looks at the hits, but will often highight and even exaggerate the misses. He puts himself on a perpetual treadmill of moving goalposts trying to keep her happy in order to make sure she either doesn’t leave or will continue letting him get the same pussy he’s gotten a million times before.

The “love” is so conditional and many of the women are selfish as fuck these days. They feel entitled to a man doing all of that, yet will do the bare minimum themselves (which again, there wasn’t much we were asking for in the first place). We are willing to take on the financial burden and if necessary, even take on a lifestyle cut to support her and the family…..Yet most women ‘feel’ that they are settling if the shoe were on the other foot.

And despite the one sided nature of this relationship …. even if you do love, adore, cherish, respect, and honor her, it’s not enough. She feels entitled to more and more and more. Failure to give her above and beyond is met with either threats or action on her behalf to leave. She feels that she has either “outgrown” the relationship….or she needs to “grow” and experience more.

They love from a place of “feeling” which is so fickle…..whereas i believe most men love more from a place of “principle” which his more fixed.

To me it’s just not worth the effort. I mean if all of that comes with “wanting” a woman….my homegirl is right kind of right. If it takes all of that just to get her “kat” than I’d rather handle my sexual needs with my hand. Intimacy is cool and all, but seriously, what kind of fool wants to jump through all of those hoops only to be appreciated for “what have you done for me lately”. A fool “in love” that’s who.

Despite the one sided nature of these relationships, I’d almost be willing to do it, but it’s lack of acknowledgment and appreciation that kills me. Once they are done with you, they don’t give a fuck about how you feel in the end. You’re easily discarded like a piece of trash and they rarely if ever feel remorse for losing you. Until they figure out the grass wasn’t actually greener out there and they see you’ve moved on to someone else.

Fractured IRL (advice to “good guys”)

It seems to me that there is a middle ground between blue pilled and red pilled mentality. In other words, redpill guys seem to think that “simping” is the wrong way to get women.

However, it seems that there are certain simping activities that are effective insofar as getting women.

Once you understand women by taking the red pill, it may seem intuitive to do the opposite of what you once did. Instead of treating her like a “queen”…. you want to treat her like shit.

But, tbh, the reason you got her in the first place is because there were certain things you did right.

The OVERALL picture is that the things you did were indeed correct. BUT U FUCKED UP was because the space you did if from was truly from a space of REAL LOVE.

In other words, SIMP game does work, BUT ONLY IF YOU don’t actually mean it.

For some odd reason, women don’t like it if you TRULY LOVE them. But they LOVE it when you pretend that you do. The key is don’t actually mean it … This is why taking advice from a woman isn’t good. They don’t get the bigger picture.

Fake it till u make it….in other words, u can’t actually give fucks if they like u or not. YOU just want the pussy. Not them. Sounds fucked up…and it is….

But guaranteed that CHAD that’s bustin your girl down on a sneaky links tip is ACTING the same way.

U CANNOT LOVE and dedicate your love to a woman. THIS PART SUCKS, but u need to know this.

YOU CANNOT BE IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN. If u are, you lose. UNFORTUNATELY more often than than not….the woman that you are “IN LOVE” with probably doesn’t love u back….no matter what she says.

You can have the women you’re not “in love” with, but again…check yourself….she is probably the better one to settle down with.

BEING IN LOVE is a curse for men. Don’t do it. You cannot have the ONE U truly love.

But as man….LOVE is truly the way. IF SHE TRULY LOVES U, u can live your life honorably, respectfully….AND destined. LUST for the woman you think you are “IN LOVE WITH” is a trap. LOVE who loves you. Honor and RESPECT her.

She won’t take your eyes off of the PRIZE. Your purpose, your dreams, your ambition….

The Grand Delusions of Bad People

Sometimes I have recurring fantasies about STBXW coming back to me and saying how sorry she is and how much she fucked up. For some reason though, in those fantasies, it’s like she says that she apologizes for everything and then I tell her that those apologies aren’t enough. They’re not specific enough.

Apologizing for “everything” isn’t specific enough for me to believe that she really understands what she did wrong, how bad she hurt me, and how much she damaged everything.

To me, she tore down her family and our friendship. You don’t mistreat people who treated you well. It does make you a pretty bad person in my opinion. Sure we all make mistakes, but the difference between good and bad people in my opinion is that good people recognize their mistakes, feel bad about them, and try to make them up….. even if the most they can muster is a sincere apology. Repentance is only possible with understanding.

However bad people never recognize their mistakes and either ignore what they did, use mental gymnastics to justify them, or simply live in denial.

To this day, I don’t understand how she could do such terrible things…..to her own family and yet feel good about herself. How could she think that she deserves a ‘happily ever after’. How does she think that she’s a good/decent person who deserves a good/decent man if she was able to destroy her own family. I never received a real apology outside of the “sorry for everything” apology…. she treats this like she accidentally dropped my phone or something.

I’m thinking that this helped create a sort of trauma bond where I feel that I am owed a real apology. In my mind, she destroyed our family and (I can’t emphasize this enough) despite me not being perfect…..I know that I did not deserve this from her. Our family deserved at least a chance to survive before she single handedly ‘pulled the plug’. From where I stood, our marriage wasn’t even on ‘life support’ or anything. It was as if it went in for a sprained ankle and she decided it was better if she euthanized it.

I was stuck/bonded because I feel that I deserved to be treated better and a part of me thinks that all would be somehow fixed if she ‘came to her senses’ and told me that she was wrong for treating me that way.

I have had to come to the conclusion that either she really doesn’t get it…..or she really is selfish beyond her own understanding. I still don’t understand how, in so many areas, she seems to understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable “moral” behavior, yet she cannot seem to recognize this within herself. How does she sleep at night knowing that she is the cause of another broken home and an active participant in yet another generational curse. How can she claim to champion ideals of “black excellence” and “power couples” when she willfully chooses to abandon her own responsibility as a wife and mother.

I think that a part of me still doesn’t want to believe that she could be so wicked. Yet despite her showing me time and time again (it’s been at least 6 years of this shit), something in me still finds it hard to cope with the idea that she indeed is capable and willing to jump out the windows like that….with no remorse no less.

Even from a perspective of karma, what you put out there comes back on you, you’d think that she could recognize that if I did this to someone, I can’t complain if someone does it back to me.

I’ve come to the point to realize that she is dealing with other men and there is nothing I can do about it except divorce. I finally have the paperwork and will complete it this week. Yet what kind of man would accept this behavior from a woman. At least insofar as taking her seriously above anything more than a side chick. She has no honor or respect for her own family. Is she lying to them about the nature of our marriage? Does she tell them the truth about how things went down between us? What kind of woman feels that it’s ok to be a side chick. If she has no empathy for the main woman (as she has proven at least twice already), has no empathy or respect for her own husband (who by most accounts is a decent man), and no regrets about blowing up her own family for own selfish wants…..then how would any man fall for such a woman.

If anything, he may use her for the benefits, but he’d probably never take her seriously. Then again, if he is so degenerate as to cheat on his woman, then his mentality could be as such that he would take a chance on such a woman. My best conclusion is that like attracts like and even though they might start off good, eventually their lack of morals would catch up to them. Either she’ll cheat on him or he’ll do something dirty to her. There is a good chance that the relationship cannot sustain itself.

Had she pulled such disrespect on some men and she caused as much pain to him as she did to me, then his emotional instability could cause him to go ape shit on her ass. I’ve had bad thoughts about her and at one time, I did want to make her feel the pain that she inflicted on to me. Especially considering that she was unapologetic about it. The protector in me wanted see her as an enemy because not only is she hurting me, she also risks our child’s mental health. But I’m a glad that I was able to internalize all of that without emotionally responding. Not all men have that and if she does end up with an emotionally unstable guy who acts out of his hurt….she may be in for a bad time.

In the end though, I don’t feel bad about losing her. If she is capable of such vile acts and disrespect to her own family no less, then she isn’t worth keeping. I take solace in knowing that I did not lose a ‘good’ woman. Good women don’t destroy their homes. They don’t cheat, they try to save their marriages and families, and if they couldn’t they’d leave. If they made a mistake, they’d recognize and try to either fix it. Something in them would not allow them to go to the extreme measures that she did without provocation. And even if they felt provoked or if they ‘had’ to commit these acts, they’d still feel some remorse. She would have sympathy for other women and not try to ‘steal’ a man from his home…and take them out of their children’s household. Then again, if she didn’t even see the value of her own nuclear household, why would she see value in another?

A good woman / wife loves her family. She would have done something to try and save/ salvage it…..not leave it based on superficial / materialistic/ lustful desires. This female I that I married wasn’t a wife. She belonged to the streets,but hid it from me. She is a chameleon. So in hindsight, I guess that it wouldn’t be surprising if she could trick/trap another guy into thinking that she is indeed a “wife.”

Perhaps me thinking that she’ll once day see the error in her ways is just a fantasy. If she had the capacity / wisdom/ or understanding of a real wife, then we wouldn’t be here in the first place. She’s not young and she’s set in her ways. She must protect the false image that she has of herself. Her ego won’t allow her to see/feel the damage she has really done in order to protect itself…. so that apology may never come….

How could I have made such a mistake? How do I move forward without exposing her real side to our kid? I don’t want to teach him that you simply give up on marriage and your family. That as a protector, your duty comes to your family first. I want him to know that marriage isn’t always easy, but cases of repeated infidelity or abuse are deal breakers. Yet I cannot teach this to him without implicating her. How would knowledge of what she did affect his mentality. She created such a fucked up scenario that I see no clear path. She doesn’t seem to understand the difficulty she created….and quite frankly probably doesn’t even care.

Breathing Again

Whew….damn it’s been a long road. I’m still recovering from the betrayal of my ex wife. I have no idea how people stay and make it work.

Falling in love/ simping should come with a warning label, caution: Side effects may include, suicidal thoughts, intense emotional distress, compulsive overthinking, mistrust of the opposite sex, emotional unavailability, loss of confidence, self destructive behavior, loss of self respect, increased use of alcohol, and years of therapy. This does not also include to loss of time with your kids, the destruction of your household, and the possibility that your finances will take a huge cut.

This has been an arduous journey to say the least. I watched a video yesterday where this guy was telling an interviewer that he in addition to 3 men he knew were contemplating suicide during their divorces. I wonder to what extent they were also betrayed.

My homegirl and I decided to take a break from the relationship debate for a while. Her attitude towards leaving a marriage due to ‘unhappiness’ is a real turn off for me and a trigger. She says that I have issues….and in certain ways, she’s right, but I don’t think she truly understands what a man risks emotionally and psychologically should a woman whimsically decide that she needs to move on.

She keeps referring me to these videos about ‘husbands’ giving advice about keeping your marriage in tact. I pretty much followed those guidelines in mine (at least in principle) and it still failed. Those guys are in a for a huge awakening if theirs’ fail….especially if they truly love and adore their wives the way that I did mine.

Yeah, I will take ownership and say that perhaps it’s on me that I picked bad. Despite not seeing the ‘red flags’ in the beginning, it was ultimately a choice that I made. But the lesson that I got was that a man should not get THAT invested into a woman. To not love her with your whole heart…..and right now, I’m not seeing the benefits of marrying a person who you don’t love with your whole heart.

My homegirl’s rather cavelier attitude towards happiness being the primary goal of marriage seems contradictory to me. I sent her a video about Tia Mowry’s divorce from her husband and the explanation she gave…..basically saying that she felt it was just time for her to ‘graduate’ from that relationship and move on to other things.

T (my friend)says that she feels that happiness is the primary goal of a marriage. I once told her that me and kiddo were happy in the marriage, but apparently STBXW wasn’t so she decided to blow up our family in search of her own. In my opinion it seems that Tia did basically the same thing. My homegirl was getting on to me asking how it was fair for STBXW to be unhappy, but me and kiddo were.

For me, the answer is that happiness comes from within. She was waiting on external circumstances to bring her ‘happiness’ and because she felt that she’d feel happy where she thought the grass was greener at, she brought unhappiness upon herself. We had a good situation, much better than many marriages from an objective standpoint. But from her subjective point of view, our marriage was “miserable.” How? When we didn’t argue/fight much, had financial stability, lived in a great area, and had no abuse nor infidelity and both split the household duties.

If anything I had reason to complain when the sex started falling off. Or when she had inappropriate conversations with a male friend. Or her lack of transparency and failure to communicate her needs to me. I could have complained that she worked too much and put too much focus on her job rather than spending time with us. But I know she did what she felt like she needed to do and I couldn’t conceive of standing in the way of her ‘happiness’ if that’s what made her feel happy.

Yet and still, despite having all of the basic building blocks of a good marriage, her believing she somehow ‘deserved’ better made her ‘feel’ unhappy. And now we all suffer because of her lack of foresight, misplaced values, and entitled attitude.

To me, this is no excuse to destroy your family and even though she likes to use the buzz word ‘black excellence’…..it sucker punches it right in the face because black excellence “in my opinion” STARTS in the HOME. Raising and keeping your family together is the minimal requirement for that. Standards, values, traditions, honor, respect are more important than the nice HOUSE, fancy vacations, luxury cars, and gram worthy pics. The former being the excellence part, the latter being a possible secondary side effect.

But maybe I do feel entitled. I mean, I’m not the stereotypical black guy (from NYC) she’s probably accustomed to. I’m not as dominant. I am really quite laid back. I’m not flashy. I never even owned a pair of jordans. I’m not money hungry nor materialistic. My opinions on overt consumerism and ideas of working to buy things you don’t need to impress people who don’t like you are simply my opinions on the matter. In the end, maybe we were just not compatible.

I don’t know if this is a chicken or egg scenario…..but I’m not sure if the reason we can’t talk now is indicative that we were never really ‘cool’ like that to begin with or if it’s because she betrayed me. On one hand, you’d think that if we were connected like that, no matter what, our interactions would be organically satisfying on some level. Even if I had to cut her off in order to maintain my boundaries. Was our ‘chemistry’ broken…. or maybe it was never there to begin with.

To be honest, I’m really thinking the latter. The truth is that we just aren’t compatible like that no matter how you slice it. We never really were. This may be a reason I always felt like I was stepping on eggshells and couldn’t be my ideal self around her. I couldn’t just “let my hair” down so to speak and release all of my inhibitions unless there was a heavy amount of alcohol involved. I was comfortable….but I rarely found myself engaging in an ongoing conversation where it just felt, … natural.

To be fair, my social anxiety may have played a role in this. But to add perspective, I have had friendships/relationships where I did feel …. accepted and didn’t have that internal struggle to find the ‘right’ thing to say. Our interactions and conversations just happened like a pleasant form of hiccups. We can talk and talk for hours without ever feeling the need to stop or if we do, the silences don’t feel awkard….or if they do get awkward, it’s just easy to pick back up from where we left off.

Perhaps I was forcing things based on my projections of who I hoped she was as a person, my intense physical attraction to her, and fact that seemed to accept me at the time. But the truth is, we never really clicked like that.

Because this is so rare for me to find, I don’t really expect it from most people. I mean, I’m used to it now…. but it is quite rare to just find a person that I just ‘click’ with. Where I can take my ‘mask’ off and just be ‘me’. A person who I like talking to because I want to know what I’m going to say next. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

I do yearn for that in a partner. I’ve learned that I cannot force it, no matter how much she may accept me nor if the mutual attraction is there. It does make me wonder though if there is more that I can do on my part though to be able to have this type of social confidence with more people. Then again, there didn’t seem anything outstanding or particularly special about the people I have had this with though.

Finding a woman with this quality … along with having mutual attraction, similar goals, values, and not in a relationship would seem to require quite a bit of luck. But I think that I’d just ‘know’ with a few interactions with them. I’m not opposed to getting married again, and despite being scared shitless of falling in love again…..i do think that for the ‘right’ person (based on those qualities) she’d be worth taking a chance on. I wouldn’t even know where to begin looking. She could be anywhere and I may have passed ‘her’ dozens of times, but I wouldn’t know it because I just didn’t take the time to stop and talk to her.

Me and STBXW just aren’t compatible. She love bombed me into thinking that we were….or maybe at one time, she came close to what I had been looking for. Or maybe she truly changed.

Over-Zealous NeoPhyte

I’m trying to save the world one conversation at a time. Now that I’ve awakened to see the world in this ‘way’, it appears that I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. Conversations with women about relationships have made me realize that many don’t really / can’t really get what I’m saying and aren’t open to hearing it. There is no point in arguing because once I point out the logical fallacies or inconsistencies in their reasoning, they continue to do them anyway. Analogies end up with them focusing on the finger pointing to the moon, rather than the moon itself. Instead of an exchange of ideas, it becomes a matter of “being RIGHT” in the end. Perhaps it’s my delivery or maybe it’s so outside of what they internally believe that can’t even consider what I’m saying. I think I am on to something because I used to think just like them so I almost know what they are going to say, before they even say it.

I do over-think.

But I just realized that that my view on modern women is somewhat new for me. As almost anyone who has had a shift in their ideology, I want to argue with people about theirs. I gotta stop that. Leave it alone and allow them to either come to the same conclusions on their own or just do what makes them happy. Or stop encroaching the topic all tother. As of late though, I’ve been sort of gung ho about spreading redpill awareness.

When I first became agnostic, I used to go into christian forums and debate them all day and night. It was fun for while, but I realized that all of the reasoning, resarch, and logic didn’t really mean a hilll of beans when tyring to convince them of my beliefs. I finally gave up and at this point, I don’t share my opinions on the topic unless spsecifically asked.

I need to do this about my views on modern women. I should just let them have theirs and keep mine to myself unless specifically asked. The reason I stopped arguing with christians is because, despite having the intention of having them question their beliefs and not necessarily change them, I realized that it is nearly an impossible task. I make sense to me….and i know what i thought like back then… when approached by an atheist back when I was younger, I was NOT hearing what he said and I remember despite not having an answer for the questions I never considered, i didn’t even consider the possibility that I could be wrong.

So despite my attempts to walk through, step by step my arguments with someone’s views, it should not be surprising that they still walk away without gaining the slightest bit of understanding. Even if it isn’t my primary goal to ‘convert’ them.

This idea also stands for STBXW. Despite me telling her time and time again, showing her examples, giving analogies, and her not having a reasonable response….she still insists on doing things ‘her’ way. I’ve learned that there is no point in arguing with grown people. They are just gonna do and think what they want anyway.

Besides, I could be wrong.

Yall Crazy

I’m not understanding why dudes out here are still trying to fall in love. I fear it and maybe it makes me unavailable, but man why on earth would you want to subject yourself to so much potential pain. It would be like taking a drug that is known to create euphoria, but you have at least a 50% chance of becoming totally addicted to and powerlessly consumed by it.

And the withdrawals rival that of heroin or crack. Who in the fuck wants to take that chance? Is experiencing good ‘feelings’ worth the downsides? I personally don’t think so, having been there. Society however seems to think that guys like me who had claw my way back to recovery are damaged goods. They call us ’emotionally unavailable’ or commitment phobic.

These days, it sounds like the women telling themselves that they want a man to be ‘head over heels’ in love are like narcs. Why do they want this type of power over a man? Do they want a gotdamned man servant or somthing? Will they give a fuck if you fall hard and they suddenly don’t want you anymore. It seems to me that they want you hooked so that they can control you. But what’s worse, they can discard you for any reason if you fail to meet up to their expectations or if they feel that someone can offer them ‘greener grass’ over there. And if you’re discarded while being deep “in love.” Do you think she gives a fuck about how you feel? It’s all about her happiness and her fulfillment. You’re just a disposable tool or a means to an end in their eyes. Your objectives aren’t her primary concern.

And they want me to take a chance on giving someone that much power over me? Man fuck that. I am not a utility and my heart isn’t a disposable object for her to play with until she gets bored. So yeah, they can spread that bullshit advice all they want, but I’ve waken up to the reality.

While I don’t want to ‘fall in love’, it’s proving to be a bit difficult to deal with a woman because I actually do care about how I make them feel in the end. It seems that the run with my lover and I is almost over…. I feel bad in a way that perhaps she wasted her time with me insofar as not achieving the end goal of ‘marriage’ after so much time. But if I’m honest, I really never thought I could make her “happy” if I were her man. I can’t afford the nice things that she “says” don’t matter to her. I cannot afford to take the risk of falling deep in love with a woman that I don’t feel that I can appease. I’m not going back to that blue pilled “happy wife, happy life” way of thinking.

I’d rather be alone than to serve a broad who can and will replace my ass if I no longer make her happy. What about me? I don’t ask for much from her, yet she requires the world from me. Perhaps it is man’s fate to serve women to this capacity, but I’m resisting. I did my time. Served my bid and ended up in the trash. Noone cared. The men who have that “it” factor and who don’t care seem to have it easiest out here. Sure I can be that man servant to her, but if a guy comes along who has that “it” factor and makes the grass seem greener elsewhere, she is sure to leave me desolate and down in the dumps. She’d throw everything away just for a chance to get with that guy. Meanwhile, you’re left, stuck, hurt, humiliated, mad…..stuck in withdrawals. Been there done there, got stuck and I’m still recovering. Why on earth would I risk it again?

It’s not a good place to be. I have the protect my heart, she won’t. I can’t rely on her to.

My homegirl is so blind to her selfishness in this and desires that type of ‘love’ from a man so bad. It comes across to me as she’s needy and a control freak. She wants to control a man. When asked about commitment and marriage, her main thing is that it’s about happiness. So she wants a man to fall head over in heels in love with her. She wants the wedding and the spectacle and if a man is foolish enough to come along and actually fall in love like she wants him to, I can’t but help feel sorry for him.

Dude is committed to being a sucker to her for life and anytime she’s ready to relieve him of his services, and will fire his ass. It comes down to keeping her happy and keeping her happy involves pretty much doing as she says. If he fails to comply with her wishes, then she has no problems with holding the cookie and intimacy hostage, and if it goes on for too long, she’ll probably cheat with a guy who “listens” to her. If he does always ‘give’ in, she’s bound to end up losing respect for him. It’s a no win situation where you have to walk the fine line of being assertive and just making her happy in order to keep her around.

Who wants such a 1 sided relationship…..and the way I see it, the only way a man is going to deal with a woman’s bullshit is if he “falls in love.” or if he is so desperate for the cookie, he’ll do anything to get and keep it. She wants complete dominance over him.

Yeah, I’ll pass. I just gotta learn how to be loving while not caring so much about a woman’s feelings. I don’t want to hurt my lover, but I can’t be with her. I don’t think she has really thought this thing out because, as with most women, they only care about their happiness without regarding how it can actually play out. Being in “love” does that. Hopefully she has enough love for me to understand that it was never my intention to waste her time…..who knows.

Just like that?

So me and my lover have been ‘talking’ for about 6 years and lately she’s been asking me what I want to do as far as taking things to the next level. We usually talk and text every day, but lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing all of the initiating which tells me she’s either trying to emotionally separate, already has, or either she’s going through something. I decided not reach out this time and haven’t heard from her in a few days. I take this to mean that she’s done. It could all be in my head and maybe I’m reading too much into it…..but if I’m right…..I get it. Not mad at her as I really don’t see how this could work considering my current situation. I did like the idea of liking someone without being “in love” with them, but I knew that sooner or later, she’d move on.

Perhaps it’s best that we don’t officially ‘close’ the door. It’s easier anyway. I have it made up in my mind that I won’t have hard feelings though I gotta say that you don’t talk to someone almost every day for a few years and not miss them. But hey, it is what it is and even though I’ve written similar things in the past about her, I still feel that I do want the best for her and I see no way in making “US” work by actually improving her life. Given my views on marriage and relationships and the fact that I don’t think that she really loves me loves me like that…..I’m no good for her outside of a fun time. I think she was “in love” with me and it would only be matter of time before that wears off and misery started creeping in.

For the first time in a long time, i can say that I don’t have anyone. There is a girl who’s been trying to get my attention, and even though she is ‘talking’ good. She’s cool. But this has taught me that I probably need some time to myself. My homegirl was telling me ‘men’ are sexed crazed….and you know, even though I probably could ‘exploit’ that situation for sex. She probably is right on this one. I think that sex leads to entanglements. I was entangled with my lover for the past 6 years…..a bout a year after Q’s waywardness and estrangement. (wow, this has been a loong time)….. I haven’t really had time to be alone and just not have anyone else to deal with. As men, society generally doesn’t encourage celibacy. Especially in the black community. But I think that this could be a good thing temporarily.

In a way, I’m looking forward to it. Even though me and my lover were never in an official relationship (sorry babe, I never would have imagined we would have held on to each other for so long). In many ways, it sort of felt like it. I really hope the best for her and I hope that who ever gets her treats her well. Despite not claiming her as my girlfriend….I think I treated her pretty well otherwise. I hope that she finds someone who treats her even better.

Though bittersweet, it feels like the ending of another one of my long term (2 year) college situationships. I’m a little down, but I’m ok. Or as my uncle likes to say….I’m partly cloudy, but fair. I feel an uncanny peace on the inside (reminiscent of the college situationship) so maybe this is the right decision. I do have the urge to reach out at times, but it’s probably best that I don’t. The last text I sent was asking if she was ok….she replied with yeah, I’m fine.


I do need to fix this issue with Q though. As in finalize this divorce. I’m not sure what the hesitation is on her behalf, but I really don’t need to be out here looking or recruiting until I do. Full disclaimer though….if some pussy just falls into my lap on some random ish…. I can’t make any promises. However, I plan on not even looking to see what I can see see see for now. It’s time to just focus on me, kiddo, my body, my work, money, and side business ideas. I really like my new job and can focus being more proactive. I can start muy thai or bjj and get involved in a sport with kiddo.

I have to forgive Q and this is hard because I often feel that she thinks I’m stupid or something. It seems that she gets a power trip off of ‘getting one over on me’. Maybe it’s just my interpretation of the situation if I think about it…. I am sort of putting her between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I am demanding “respect” aka….don’t be out there fucking with other men until we’re divorced…..On the other, I don’t want to work things out with her and I’m not even trying. I don’t expect a sincere apology, but I think I’m still mad because ‘sincere’ in my head means she stops doing that shit. However even if she does ‘stop’….. 1)how the fuck am I supposed to know/believe her after so much lying and 2)What’s the point as I’m not trying to work on reconciliation. Perhaps deep down I want her to attempt reconciliation. But to tell you the truth….that’s just vanity and my ego talking. I really don’t like the woman she has become like that and I can’t see myself going back so there is no “starting over.” She is getting older and having more kids with her most likely can’t / won’t happen. Plus, she is becoming one of those insufferable older (need to be right black women that I just can’t do it with).

I’ve heard that divorcing couples (especially after an affair) have a period called “hysterical bonding” where they have one last hurrah of great sex and bonding as some sort of attempt to salvage the relationship. From what I’ve read, this is usually short lived and the issues that once plagued the marriage soon returns. Plus, I can’t get over the idea that she’s been with so many men. Been a straight up slut and side chick with them and the idea that I”m the one who takes her seriously enough to take her back after all of that kind of ruins it for me. Between the disrespect, the BV diagnosis she got (typically coming from having more than 1 man nut in her in a fairly short period of time), the texts I read about the nasty shit she did with them…..Ugh Nah I’ll pass. I’d imagine it would feel much like having sex with a prostitute. I need some condoms just in case she catches me too drunk. LOL…..Seriously though, i don’t feel peace in my heart with the thought or idea. It actually makes my stomach a bit queasy just thinking about it.

Half Court Shot

Maybe I need to stay off the algorithms on youtube. I’m still getting all sorts of redpill content and I’m addicted to it. It’s causing me to really abhor the idea of having a relationship. Between the content and talking to my homegirl, it’s really causing me to believe that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

In my mind, I do occasionally have thoughts about meeting the perfect woman who I have that spark/connection with. Where I get her and she gets me. Where we can just shut our minds off and talk and vibe and the communication just happens without thinking about it. Where we just pull it out of each other effortlessly. Jokes and conversation is spontaneous and we can talk for hours without stopping or sit comfortably in silence without feeling pressure to say anything at all.

It’s very rare and I can count on one hand the people I’ve experienced this with. Even rarer is with a woman, but those women were ‘stud’ type females. Don’t get me wrong, I have good friends, both male and female, but that special vibe just isn’t there with most of them. Of the ones that I do have it with, we could go months or years without speaking, but when we talk, it’s like we never left. I guess we’re somehow on very similar frequencies and instead of walking away feeling drained (as in introvert)….i actually feel energized. This happened occasionally when I used to drive ride share, but I usually never exchanged information with these people.

I did meet a woman when I tried the online dating thing where we seemed to have this vibe. Somehow and I don’t know how, we were just able to joke around and build up off of each others jokes. I guess the attraction wasn’t there and I wasn’t trying to chase and neither was she. TBH, I just wanted a hook up and she wanted more. But I think that if I were to ever take a chance and try to ‘wife’ someone, it would be with someone who I just have that natural spark with.

That said though, I’d like to know that she didn’t have that same spark with other people. I think that some people have magnetic personalities which allow them to connect with a lot of people like that. I wouldn’t like that as it wouldn’t seem special….and given the fact that I’m looking for it, I’d worry that I’m not that special to them which could lead to a very one sided relationship.

The guys with charming/charismatic personalities are usually the “fuck boys”/narcissists and generally have this ability. I’m sure that there are also some women like that and I’d hate to be the male version of one of those people who fell for the charm and get played in the process.

So yeah, beyond being a ‘face’ guy (as opposed to a breast or ass guy)….I think I’m a vibe guy. A connection guy….. as long as she looks at least average. I think that one of the things that attracted me to sTBXW so strongly is that I thought we had that connection. We used to text all day, talk all night, and seemed to never run out of anything to say. I’m not sure what happened though. Despite her not going deep on certain topics or subjects, I didn’t hold it against her because we seemed to be able to just flow with it. She seemed interested in what I was saying even if she didn’t have much to add to certain topics. I didn’t get the impression she was a “fuck girl”/narc based on how her family talked about her to me though.

Perhaps this is one of the dangers of “being in love”. It stands to reason that perhaps there is some sort of brain chemistry/ vibe connection that comes into play while “in love.” Maybe this “high” allows you to be able to “think on your toes” similar to how cocaine and other dopamine based drugs allow you to be “johnny on the spot.” And if this is the case, then maybe this connection is a short lived one and not so special after all. I’d like for it to last for a lifetime. It’s the stuff that “happily after ever” is made of. But perhaps nature has indeed played a cruel trick on us.

If this is the case, then this could be the answer as to how it is that me and STBXW used to be able to communicate so effortlessly and easily, yet now, it’s a struggle for me to think of anything meaningful (outside of kiddo, business, or hurt) to say to her. Or maybe she is a “fuck girl”.

Maybe I have to accept the idea that “love”/”chemistry” comes and it goes. If this is true, then it really doubles my resolve to not expect long term commitment from a woman. Given her proclivity to either move on at your expense when she’s no longer happy…..or stay in a situation where she’s “unhappy” out of duty….. There seems to be no win. While ideally she would remain “happy”. I’d be ok with her being perfectly content with loyalty over complete happiness in the latter case.

Because I don’t know, I can hold on the to hope that perhaps STBXW was an anomaly and perhaps it is possible to find that long standing connection. I do not know the odds of finding that connection unless I put myself out there though. Perhaps this is another reason why it’s important to shoot your shot as often as possible and not fear rejection. Rejection / Crashing and burning is just a way to weed out the ones who I don’t have that connection with…..and given how rare it has been, then I should expect that most interactions will either crash and burn or be mediocre… fraught with a little luck and lot of mental effort.

In other words, when the right one appears, the conversation should just naturally flow, the interaction will just ‘feel’ right and my brain will just know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. But again, this can’t happen unless I take the chance.

The algorithms are making me really dislike women and not want to even put the effort in which makes it dangerous. But as they say, you miss ALL of the shots you don’t take. Deep down I do hope there is such thing as a soul mate, yet logic tells me that this may or may not be the case. All I can do at this point is continue to be the best version of myself and continuously strive for improvement. My biggest concern right now in approaching is just not having anything funny or relevant to say, but if i put myself into those situations anyway, if she’s right for me, then my brain won’t make it weird. I’ve done it before, sometimes crashing and burning, sometimes doing ok, sometimes killing it so there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to any of this.

I do believe that with more practice and more experience I could eventually get a place like pick up artists who: from experience, know the ins and outs of these types of social interactions enough to make most approaches golden…. though, I’m not really interested in fucking all the hoes. I really just want the one who’s right for me. However, getting good at approaching and increasing my odds of getting laid isn’t a bad consolation prize.

But if I don’t find that right one, I’m ok with being alone or being the ‘stand in’/ “Mr. Right now” guy for the women I don’t have that connection with.

Headbutting a Brick Wall

I’m starting to think that my home girl is lost cause. But I like talking to her because she has the mentality of many modern women. After reconnecting after many years, we’ve been talking/texting for a few months now. We decided to friendzone each other and tbh, I’m cool with that. They say that a man and a woman can’t be friends, but I disagree. I’d smash, but it’s not like I’m going out of my way to and she’d have to hit me up and ask me. Even then though….at this point, I don’t think so.

That said, I like talking to her because we can discuss men/woman relationships in a way where we don’t have to worry about offending or scaring the other person off. I think it’s a good idea to have a female friend like this because she can offer insights into how many modern women think.

She tells me about her dating frustrations with men and tbh, I can see how she’s fucking up. She’s not a terrible person, but her views on men and relationships are completely off the wall. I try to offer her insight from a man’s perspective, but she just won’t listen. It’s frustrating at times because she likes to tell me how things should be and I tell her how things are.

I told her about the redpill and the frustrations that men have with modern black women. However, instead of listening, taking it in, and considering my points of view, she likes to poke holes into what I’m saying. It’s hilariously frustrating to see her do exactly what I tell her that many women do in real time as she denies that she’s doing it.

I once told her that one frustration that men have is that women tend to deflect when men have complaints about women. She immediately responds with, well men don’t listen. I figured maybe she didn’t understand what I meant by deflect so I said that deflection means that when I tell you an issue that I have, instead of addressing that issue, you immediately counter with an issue you have with me. “You’re literally doing it right now”.

We can talk about the problems you have with me (men) later, but that isn’t the topic right now. Despite having that conversation about 20 times, she still does it….like it’s just an instinct and she can’t help herself. Often times, when trying to make a point, I’ll cut her off before she responds and say “before u say us men do x,y,z. Think about what I just said.”

Another one is that even though she wants to be in a relationship with a man, she absolutely refuses to try to gain an understanding of what men’s problems with modern women are. No matter how much I’ve tried to put her on to red pill content creators, she seems completely incapable of understanding why it would be important to at least ‘understand’ men’s frustrations. I tell her that she doesn’t have to agree with it, but just gain an understanding. Instead she refuses and just dismisses it as men just being sheep and following trends.

If I wanted a relationship with a woman and I was frustrated with my results, I think I’d like to understand where women were coming from….even if I didn’t agree… I really don’t know how she doesn’t see this as beneficial….

Another example, she often tells me of an ex who verbally abused her by yelling and screaming at her. I took it at face value and didn’t ask what she did to provoke him to get to that point…..but later she tells me that she does have a sharp tongue and had a problem with speaking to people in a cutting/disrespectful way. When I tell her about accountability, she immediately jumps in the “well men…..”

She also triggers my mistrust of women by saying that she believes that marriage is about happiness and if she isn’t happy then she isn’t going to be in a relationship. To me, that’s a red flag that if things go wrong in a marriage, she’s going to stop giving sex (as she says she would). I tell her that this is what men mean when we say that women weaponize sex. Her response, men thinks that sex will fix everything. Me, no we don’t, but it keeps us bonded….Her: well it just makes a woman resentful. Me: So it seems that refusing to have sex isn’t going to help and it makes us feel rejected and worse, it increases the temptation for us to cheat. Her: Yall just sex crazed.

Another issue we can’t seem to resolve is the whole friends with benefits is wasting a woman’s time debate. Even more, she says that I am using women for sex if I don’t plan on getting into a real “relationship” with her. To me that’s rediculous. She might have a point if I was future faking or promising a relationship…..but just because I like to do relationship ish type things doesn’t mean that I want a relationship. Especially if I make it clear that I don’t want one.

If a woman wants to keep dealing with me after I’ve told her that I don’t do the relationship thing, then that’s on her. I don’t treat her bad, but I avoid relationships like the plague because women once your status changes, their expectations change. I don’t mind doing things to try to make a woman happy, but I do not want to make it my job or responsibility. Big difference.

Besides, what’s a bigger waste of time, being married for 10 years and leaving it because you’re unhappy or simply never getting in one in the first place. I asked her how did her past failed relationships benefit her any more than if they were just ‘friends’ the whole time. She got insulted and took it to mean that she can’t keep a man. I wasn’t going there, but….now that she mentions it…..

Her favorite line is “if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kitty kat.” I’m thinking he must don’t want yo that kitty kat then because if all that comes with it, then I’ll pass. She seems to think that a man should just like hanging out with a woman for some reason. I tried to hip her to the idea that men generally tolerate women outside of business or family in hopes that we’ll get some, but for the most part, we aren’t just hanging out to be buddy buddy.

But, of course she wants a man who she can leverage sex into getting her way. She’s so used to it that she probably doesn’t even realize it’s happening.

Now that i’m older, i realize that’s a sucker move, but to her it’s how men should act. In my personal experience and by watching men with girlfriends/women, the woman tends to do what she wants to do and the man follows along like a puppy dog catering to her in order to keep her happy. I’m like wtf am I doing just hanging out with a woman….. “spilling the tea” and getting petticures or something. Watching hgtv, reality tv, and the cooking network. Watching her shop for clothes and gossiping about people’s relationships?

Most women don’t like to do the activities that I like to do….and it’s like pulling teeth to get them to do anything they don’t want to do. What does she want me do….. unless we’re laid up, about to lay up, or just got through laying up…..I’d be faking it by saying I want to just hang out. I find it a bit narcisisstic to think that a woman wants to bask in her glory or something. I don’t know if all men feel like this, but being a bit of an introvert, I don’t really hang around with anyone like that.

If do hang around male friends, we’re doing activities, working out and/or drinking, freestyling, talking shit, playing video games or watching anime or something. Women just aren’t that fun to hang around simply for the fuck of it to me. It’s ok ocassionally, but not like something I just like to do.

She seems to think that men should just like being around her. She’s cool I guess, but ….no. She wants a man servant and not man. I don’t think she realizes how emotionally draining it is just hanging out with a woman and trying to keep her entertained. It’s already hard talking to her as much as I do sometimes because she likes to argue and be right all the time. Most of my male friends listen to understand first and we can agree on a lot of shit before we get the part where we start disagreeing. She’s combative from the gate and picks apart every little detail (often going on tangents that have little to do with the overall topic) in order “be right.” It can get frustrating.

Despite this and never apologizing for admitting she may be wrong about something in our thousands of texts between each other, she says that she doesn’t have a “need to be right”. Again, “the need to be right” is not considering that you could be wrong about something and being open to new information. She just doesn’t seem to get this. I tell her that I’m not just flinging insults and accusations at her, but I really need her to see/ or at least consider what I’m saying. She usually never does. I don’t know why try sometimes. But i do see how she would need simp as a man in her life to tell her what she wants to hear and just let her feel right and be wrong.