So I’m the problem now?

One of my good friends tells me that I need therapy because I choose not to trust women. It’s not that I don’t trust them. I might trust one to get my laundry, I might trust her to not steal if I leave my wallet out, I might trust them to get a job done or even in a business deal. I just don’t trust that they will be faithful.

For that reason, I prefer not to be a boyfriend or husband anymore. We can be friends or friends with benefits if the attraction is there. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ll damn near treat her like I was her boyfriend in a fwb situation. But I don’t want the title. If she decides to cheat, then at least spare me the humiliation and disrespect. Plus the way I see it, if I’m not her “man”, then she has no reason to lie to me about her dalliances. I’ve gone through enough and seen enough infidelity and cheating stories to know that husbands and boyfriends are out here losing….big time…..in 2022…..if one of the measures of success is loyalty.

A lot (probably the majority) of these modern women aren’t loyal and will lie to your face about it. They’ll go out and suck a dick, get nutted in and on….then the only options left for them is to come home to you and kiss you with the dick breath or best case scenario….not let you get any. Let that sink in….not give you any because she just got her back blown out by someone else….and that’s in the BEST case scenario.

I’m not saying that ALL women do this. I’m just saying that 1)she could start at any time and 2)she could just be lying. How could you ever tell the difference? Sometimes there are tell tale signs that she’s fooling around with someone else, but just as often as not….there aren’t any. And again, due to the fact that she’ll lie in your face about it with no remorse…. even going so far as getting upset with you for ‘accusing’ her…. even if she is guilty…. there is no way to know unless u catch her in the act.

I’d rather not be in a position to have to play detective or ask those types of questions. I’m not a side guy type as I don’t like to intentionally share women. Plus I think it’s dishonorable to do this to another person. But I do envy the fact that ‘side guys’ at least have the option decide to keep dealing with her in light of the truth as opposed to not knowing what she’s on. She’s more honest in that respect to the “side dude.”

At this point, I really don’t know if women just be believing the lies they tell or if they are really just that hell bent on denying the truth. But either way, it’s not something I want to ever have to deal with again.

People lie. The reason I choose to single out women is because I don’t have those types of things to worry about with men as I don’t deal with them on a sexual/emotional level like that. I don’t think that women should trust me like that. Not because I think I’d be unfaithful, but because she doesn’t know that I wouldn’t be. Just because she doesn’t trust me like that doesn’t give me a right to be dishonorable prick though. I think it’s really stupid when people say, stupid shit like “well, he/she’s doesn’t trust me anyway, I might as well do it.” As if what I eat can make you shit.

How the fuck can she KNOW me even though I know me. How could she tell the difference between me and the last person who lied to her. The bottom line is that liars lie and many times they lie convincingly well. Even to the point where they seem to believe their own lies. So nah, I don’t trust nobody like that. In order to avoid this I’d rather not do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. People swear they want it, but then go right behind your back and be on that bullshit. STBXW promised me that she’d never do me like that. I believed her becasue she said she had it done to her before. I was convinced. There were no signs that she could really be that deceptive. As a result of trusting her, I had my heart crushed into a million pieces. All of this could have been avoided if we were just fwb’s and weren’t bound by the constraints and expectations of a ‘relationship’. These expectations lead to people lying in order to pretend to hold up their end of the agreement. Maybe we could have salvaged some sort of friendship in the end….instead of now, me hating the sight of her because of getting betrayed.

I prefer honesty and respect over “love” and “titles” all day. Let me live in an uncomfortable truth than a “soothing” lie. At least I still have my agency. People are going to people and part of that for most of them is lying and being deceitful. They like to have their cake and eat it too if they believe they can get away with it. There is little if any self accountability. As the saying goes….”all is fair in love and war.” This includes deception, dishonor, and all sorts of necessary evils.

Again, not saying that ALL women cheat, but with no way of being able to tell the difference between someone you can trust and someone you can’t…..I’d rather just not put myself into that situation unnecessarily. If a woman LOVES you she won’t go out ‘exploring options’. Even if you don’t have a title. But a title isn’t going to stop her from doing so if she chooses to. She does have incentive however to lie about it if she does have the title. Without it, she has no reason to lie about it. So if you don’t ‘claim’ her, you can get the side dude honesty without actually being a side dude.

I also advocate on doing the bare minimum or at the most, no more than you WANT to do for her to keep her around. I’d say compromise as little as possible because if you start doing too much, she may want to keep you around for the benefits….so she’ll lie to you while exploring options so she can keep getting that out of you.

The FWB option seems logical, reasonable, and practical to me. I’m not treating her bad, nor am Iying to her. So no harm no foul. If she wants to leave, she can….the door is open. She doesn’t have to worry about ‘sparing my feelings’ or holding on to some stupid vows to “fight” for something she doesn’t want. She doesn’t have to lie. I just want honesty. That’s it. Leave if u must, do what u gotta do. I might not be here when u return, but either way, no hard feelings because she kept it real with me and all I can do is respect it….even if i am hurt over it.

I think this is much healthier than feeling like….I gotta get her b4 she gets me. Or I gotta test her loyalty….. I just assume across the board that they aren’t / can’t be loyal and I’m not going to give her the opportunity to go out like that….bcuz in the end, if I’m wrong for trusting her…..I’m the one mostly hurt by it. Not her. I’m the one left feeling like shit while she continues to “live her best life” unconcerned about me.

I don’t know her her like that, no matter what she says….but I do know me. I am or at least try to be truthful and honest. And that’s all I can trust.

Maybe I do have trust issues. But these hoes do be lying A LOT.

I got this

Suddenly finding myself as an ‘effectively’ single parent in my early 40s is a bit more daunting than I thought. At least insofar as finding a relationship. I’m not really keen on bringing a new woman around my son and he isn’t quite old enough for me to leave home alone for a long period of time. Plus, me and his mother haven’t officially divorced yet.

One of the reasons why me and my lover couldn’t have worked out is because of the ties, responsibilities, and obligations that I have. Even IF i was willing to try the serious committed thing again with her, I wouldn’t have felt right to make her wait until I got this situation straightened out. That said, with her moving away, I can tell that she is trying (probably rightfully so) trying to distance herself from me. I should take the hint and keep it moving. It was nice to think that I may have had a soft cushion to land on….but maybe it is time to remove the safety net and start walking on my own. I truly hope that she finds happiness in her endeavors and whoever she chooses…..I hope he treats her with the love and respect she deserves.

This does sort of put me in a position where I don’t have anyone and I guess that’s ok. It’s part of the process. If I am to take on the the responsibility of single parenting this thing, I have to accept the fact that it’s going to limit my already limited options. I dont’ have the free time to date around. One of the difficult things about having custody of a child is that you can’t be spontaneous. Then I also have to “hide” it from him as STBXW haven’t officially split yet.

She kept him for a few weeks in the summer and I had the opportunity to get with at least 2 girls. I guess I was sort of still not facing the reality of what’s happening with me and my lover so I didn’t indulge as I felt it would have been wrong. But to be honest, I’m not really attracted to one of them like that and I work with the other.

My options are also limited due to fact that I don’t really know where to meet anyone. Then even if I do….as a 40 something year old, I need to have my own space. I can take him to a baby sitter if I need the weekend, but I’d have to rely on them and I’m not sure if it’s right for me to put that responsibility on them. I do want another kid or two and possibly a wife again…. but I don’t want to marry someone just for the sake of being married and having kids. But in the mean time, it is nice to have someone to share sex and intimacy with. Unfortunately, I don’t know how I can balance this for now.

It sort of sucks that stbxw gets to come in and never appreciate the difficulties that this also presents to me. Even with her in NY now, her betrayal is still affecting me. It’s hard not to be upset when she gets to ‘live it up’…..while I’m stuck picking up the pieces of my life while at the same time trying to maintain a certain semblance of stability in the life of kiddo. Now I guess she has unfettered access to her Affair Partner(s)…. I believe that in her mind, having him for 3 weeks isn’t that difficult so she doesn’t see what I’d complain about. But i’d rather him with me than in NY with her. I think it would be better for him overall. Given how she moves, I don’t know if I’d trust her to look after his best interests as she’s proven so far to be more concerned about her happiness than what’s best for everyone else.

Besides, this is what sacrifice is all about. Not sure if I’ll ever be rewarded for this directly…. or if anyone will ever understand the sacrifices it’s taking….then again, why should they…..this is my responsibility. Plus I love him and I don’t regret it one bit. I believe that true happiness comes from within and now is the time to test that theory. Besides, who knows, maybe someday the right one will come along. If it doesn’t then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime.

Meanwhile, I guess I just have to put the focus on keeping in shape, working at my job, getting my finances in better order, and making sure I’m supporting him in his academics, sports, and growth. That is a lot on my table and I gotta get rid of this appetite for pussy and affection. At least for now. Monk mode baby. Time to get it.

Traveling Misfits

I’ve noticed that lately it seems that most black women I know have this fascination with traveling for some reason. I’m not sure where it comes from, but because I hear it so much, it’s now becoming a bit of a turn off. When pressed on WHY, they usually say something along the lines of the like ‘experiencing’ something new.

Like bih what???

Ok, there’s nothing per se wrong with experiencing new things. But exactly what are they ‘experiencing’. It doesn’t make much sense to me and I wonder if there is something more at play here. Say we go to Paris. You see the Eiffel Tower. Ok…. now what. You saw something that has been captured millions of times on videos, television, pictures from almost any angle imaginable. And it’s just a freaking tower. Not even that impressive if you ask me. On a side note, I think the Arches in St. Louis looks better as an architectual structure. I’d visit it if I happen to be there, but I’m not going out of my way to see it.

They usually want to go the same places…..Paris, Dubai, Greece, the Maldives, and Punta Cana. Maybe the carribean or something. I mean cool, but got damned, like what. Why are so many obsessed with seeing this shit. When at home, they usually don’t take in what their own city has to offer. And when there, they take the well worn paths of every other tourists.

You’d get more experience and culture by actually reading books imo. Watch a gotdamned documentary about these places and you’d probably get more information than actually going. It’s just weird that this idea of ‘experiencing’ something actually requires you to go there. It’s not even like they journal about it when they get there or return in order to remember it later on. At best, they might post a few pics online about it.

From my view, it just appears to be vanity and superficiality. I could be ok with that except the fact that they seem to look down on people who might not share that same passion for going. They act as if going these places somehow expand their views or open them up to new ‘ideas’ or something. These witches be the same person they were when they come back as they were before they left. Is it status symbol or something? Is it a way to low key brag that they can ‘afford’ it? Is it a way to make themselves feel superior? Maybe they actually feel more ‘cultured’. I don’t know, it just seems weird to me.

As I get older and think about how the typical modern day woman’s mind operate….i find my self more and more like ugh. I mean if it wasn’t for sex, I’d probably not really deal with too many of them unless we were related. To be fair though, I don’t deal with too many people like that either way. But this bougie, superficial, aggressive, shallow, disagreeable, uncooperative, selfish, virtue signaling, I don’t give a fuck, take me as I am, I’m always right, I don’t have to prove anything to you, diva like attitude that a great may of them exhibit is a complete turn off to me. I don’t even really consider this as masculine as even arrogant men tend to have some logical bases and principles that govern their behavior.

Most of these modern witches seem like robots……almost predictable to a certain degree. It’s like they’re the same person just in different bodies in different circumstances. I can see why men who are good with women tend to just want to fuck and keep it moving. I’m ok with them, but it’s a bit harder for me to just use them for sex as I tend to get attached … even if I don’t really care for the negative aspects of their personality. My weakness is that I like who likes me, so if shows me interest…..despite not really caring for the negavitiy, I might find myself liking and accepting that about them.

Ironically, many think that they are individuals. They say they like things like Travel and being foodies as if this is something that makes them unique. In my head when I hear these things, I’m thinking….yeah you and about 8 out of 10 of the rest of yall.

Bad women who think they’re good

It’s amazing how one person can have such an impact on another person’s mental health. STBXW is fucking crazy. The cognitive dissonance in her drives me up the wall and I can’t wait until this page of my life has turned over for good. This chick has the unmitigated audacity to go out and hire are ‘psychic’ in order to break the “spell” that she believes that her new boyfriend is under. Apparently, dude has stopped communicating with her as much and is choosing the mother of his kids over her. From what I gather, she’s worried about him and can’t believe that he’d start treating her that way. I was able to see some of the texts back and forth between them where he tells her to stop texting him so much. Like chick….isn’t this almost exactly what you did to me. Yet it seems that she isn’t adding 2 + 2 together and getting 4. I jokingly once told her that I thought her first affair partner put a voodoo spell on her because she started acting so differently. Dude was hatian and I meant it as a joke mostly. She got offended and told me it was “offensive” to the Hatian people for me to say such a thing. I even saw a text between them where he laughed about it.

It’s pretty sad and pathetic that she’s willing to not only cheat on her husband…again, but also play side chick …again to a guy who is living in the home with his kids and their mother. She’s willing to take my son out of my life (essentially playing russian roulette with his mental health by splitting up his nuclear family), but also willing to split up another household. Where might I add, this guy has daughters who need their father.

How crazy is she in the head? I mean people frown on stuff like that for a reason. Yet she has no problem with being the catalyst in all of this. Let’s say that even IF she is successful and they end up together. Look at how much pain and suffering from kids and betrayed others she caused for her own selfishness. How about the dishonorable way they got together. What if some chick did the same thing to her, should they get together…..and he leaves her for the other chick. In the case of both her and the guy, if they were to succeed, wouldn’t either question if they were capable of showing such disloyalty to their own families, that they weren’t trustworthy in that regard.

As mentioned, in previous posts, I’ve lost all respect for her. I used to want to sleep with her, but she’s disgusting to me. While somewhat appealing on the outside. She is rotten, stupid, evil, sinister, diabolical, and disloyal on the inside. I mean who separates their kid from their parent, break up other families, knowingly play a side chick role, and desperately begs a ‘taken’ man to be with her….especially when she’s already married. Meanwhile, she’s entertaining other men through text messages. Her simp ass ‘best friend’. Despite knowing all of this is still asking her to go on trips with him and despite her not showing much interest in him for now….and the fact that she not only chose Me over him….she also chose her ex (before me), last, and now her current boyfriend over him…. He’s constantly in her dm’s still pursuing her. He knows that the is a cheater. I just found out last week that she was still with her ex boyfriend /fiance when she got with me. I thought that they were done, but now I can see how she was probably blowing smoke up my ass when she said that. She essentially monkey branched to me. She tried to throw it in my face that they were still together when we got together. I had to remind her that she told me that they were not together anymore.

Say what you want about me snooping through her phone at times, I wouldn’t know that she was on the bullshit like that if I didn’t. I’m slowly saving my money up for a divorce attorney and hopefully will have enough by September. Though we have be talking about getting a mediator, I really don’t want her raising my son alone if she has such a loose set of morals. Who knows what sort of code she lives by. For now it seems that she is selfish AF. But the thing that really irks me is how she just walks around like she’s doing nothing wrong. Sure, I mean she does help split the bills and this go round, she hasn’t been texting directly in my face as she once did with her last ‘boyfriend’.

But i gotta get this woman out of my house. There is no peace. The thing irks me is that she walks around like she’s a ‘good person.’ Like she sees nothing wrong. Like sacrificing for your child is only ‘optional’. Then she had the nerve to tell me that she’s not happy in this relationship. What relationship? You mean the one that you burned to the ground and pissed on the ashes? She’s really got me twisted with her simp ass male friend who is desperate for her. I was only suggesting she stay in Atlanta so that I’m not too far away from our son when we split custody. I could NEVER take her back after all of that. The only reasons dudes might consider her is because of her ‘looks’, but IF they knew what I knew about her, they’d never give her a second thought insofar as getting serious about her.

Well I gotta take that back. Some dudes really are that desperate, thirsty, alone, and stupid. Plus, in reality, she’ll never admit to the things she’s done so they’ll be ignorant of her actions. It’s their problem, she’s getting older and maybe she’ll change.

I know it’s wrong to say, but I really wish that karma would come back at ruthlessly kick her right in the teeth. But do so in a way where she can 1)directly see how bad her actions were 2)learn her lesson 3)make her suffer in the way she has made me suffer for the past few years. Humiliate her and affect her mentally in a way that she can now SEE how her actions are that bad. It just seems unfair that she is walking around destroying so many people for her own selfish desires with no regard to how it affects anyone else. How can she not understand that her actions are just wrong. Can she really be telling her ‘friends’ the truth. Or are they also so caught up in darkness that they live in an entirely different world where this type of behavior is acceptable.

I have realized that I cannot judge all women based on my experience with this one. I need to move on. As simpish or bluepilled as it seems, it really do want a significant other, possibly a wife, and a family. I want start over and take the lessons I’ve learned and the mistakes I made and do better next time. I know that I have to be a great father to kiddo and I will be. His mother destroyed our home and unfortunately for him, that was beyond my control. Noone is perfect, I was a good husband, but I could have done things a bit better insofar as being a better leader and having a vision and direction….but I didn’t know that at the time. But I did treat her well and once I figured that out, I would have made adjustments as needed. But she destroyed the relationship completely through her betrayals, lies, unrepentance. I don’t and cannot respect her for how she moves now. I could never trust her as her moral code (or lack therof) is completely different than mine. She’s for the streets and she can’t see it despite her willful actions prove otherwise. I really can’t understand how she thinks she’s a good woman or would be to someone given how she is handling all of this.

I can’t help but wonder if she were the type of woman who really was supportive, really invested into our family, and unselfish…. if we would be better off as a family unit. Maybe if she actually communicated her needs, wasn’t so secretive and didn’t lie to herself so much, she could have given me that push that I needed to ‘step it up.’ , if not for me, but for our family. Perhaps I am not taking responsibility, but I do think that a good woman/wife has the power to inspire and push a man to be greater than he ever thought he could be. That is if the love is true. However, she can also destroy or cripple his potential if she is a bad or selfish woman.

I have to choose more wisely next time and take my time. I can’t solely go off the ‘in love’ feeling that either of may have for one another. Physical attraction cannot be the only metric to judge her by. I really need to see how she processes the world and not rely on her simply parroting back to me what I say. Chemistry is cool, but it can be fabricated and sometimes it is possible to ‘fall in love’ with a bad person…..as evidenced by how I fell for STBXW. There has to be more there. My biggest fear is finding a woman who has all of things I want, but she doesn’t want me back. I mean that’s how it seems to work anyway, so I’d probably have to end up settling in one way or another. As we all usually do in some ways. But the most important aspects must be there which include communication, honesty, chemistry, and shared values.

Divorce Discussion

STBXW came back for a while and we’ve been having on and off disucssions of what divorce looks like. As expected, it’s not easy for me. Her new plan is to move to N.Y. from Atlanta and she wants to take kiddo with her. Her idea is to allow me custody during spring, winter, and summer breaks while she has full custody over him during the school months.

This isn’t appealing to me at all. Originally, she had mentioned moving back down here. I would at least be within driving distance from him. Although she is originally from there, she has close family that also lives here. This includes her mother, a few cousins, aunts and uncles. Most of my family lives here so to me, it would seem that living here would be in his best interests. Him moving would mean that I would miss out on a lot of what he does.

It’s bad enough that she gets to cheat on me, betray me, disrespect me, leave our family, split our home, and not even give a chance to try and fix it. Now she wants to move our son 14 hours away (by car). She claims because she is making more money up there, but she can still make a decent living here. She would have no problem getting a pretty decent paying job here. She’d be closer to her mom. Moving to N.Y. is not an option for me due to the high cost of living, plus, my mother is getting older and I don’t like the idea of being so far away from her. Atlanta is a pretty good city overall compared to many others and there are opportunites here. It all just seems unfair and selfish on her behalf.

Then I think about how so many women complain that there are no “good men” out here. Black women especially complain that black men aren’t there for their kids. Or we don’t want to marry them. Or that we don’t treat them right. Or that we’re lazy and controlling. I’m none of those things and yet I lose my family in the most disrespectful of ways. It’s bad enough that she did it the way she did, but to add insult to terrible injury, she wants to just take my son out of my life. Bad enough that he can’t live under my roof full time, but even worse that she wants to move him so far away. We have a good relationship. My father and I had a terrible relationship and I always wanted to be better for my own son. So far, it’s good. But now, she wants to come between it for her own selfish reasons.

I really can’t believe how selfish this woman is. What’s worse, she walks around like she has the moral high ground. Saying things like we should co-parent responsibly. And that kids are adaptable. And that it will be ok. As if I should just be ok with her and all the bullshit she put me through. Like I’m the one tripping when she stabbed me in the back, twisted the knife, and now feels that she deserves some sort of fresh start. She even said that is pushing for this divorce so she will no longer feel guilty. As if destroying your home, cheating on your husband with a bunch of users and losers, disrespecting your kid’s father, and then taking his son away from him is somehow a thing that divorce that will take away her accountability.

She lacks morals and character….I’ve shown her videos of women doing similar things, and while she agrees with the commentary of people saying that these women are wrong…..she’s doing the very similar things and can’t seem to see it. It just sucks to know that you can walk into a situation with the best intentions…..act upon those intentions…..get fucked over and that person just gets away with it.

This is why I don’t do marriage nor put stock into what a woman tells me about relationships, how she would act, or how she feels about me at any given time. I never in a million years would have thought that she would be capable of such things. Let alone be unrepentant about it. She said all the right things in the beginning. She didn’t put on the persona of a hood rachet. She seemed to have a moral code. There weren’t red flags in the beginning. Even looking back, there were some things that my have be a lil sus….but not enough to think that she’d ever get to this level. I know that people change, but to me, certain morals and values….the things that define you as a good/bad person generally don’t unless under dire circumstances. Family values are important to me….especially within your own home.

But regardless of this….I can’t really be surprised given her previous betrayals. Though she claims that she’ll handle everything financially right now….should I decided to allow her to do this. (including paying for private school, transportation back and forth, and the financial logistics)…. There is no way that I can believe that she’ll keep good on her word. She unrepentantly and mostly unapologetically broke our vows just for her own pleasure. She has shown no empathy towards how this affects me and will ultimately affect our son. If I decide, it must be on paper and legitimized by some court official or something. I don’t trust her word one bit.

This is happening. I can’t bury my head in the sand. It sucks and it hurts. I wish that I never met her. She has caused me more pain and suffering than anything in my life. Yet, I have to deal with it as it was my choice to marry her. Though I feel like she destroyed this thing I cared so much for, I have to survive and move on. I don’t know how that looks though.

I’m trying my best to be cordial. Be understanding. And not give in to the pettiness of it all. I’ve tried to cope. So far, I’ve been doing pretty good. But I feel like a doormat where I’m doing all of the compromising after getting kicked in the face over and over again. If I were to become more toxic….I don’t see how that would help the situation for kiddo. What can I really do? Lawyer up and fight….an expensive endeavor that I can’t afford. Going into debt to fight this thing doesn’t seem to be beneficial either. I’d spend more time trying to get another job, trying to play single father, and I wouldn’t be able to be there for him anyway.

I could just let it happen. I mean there doesn’t seem any way of winning without taking heavy losses either way. Who knows, maybe things will turn out ok. Maybe my pride and fear is what’s making the future seem so terrible. It just sucks right now.

It’s Just Preference

I think that the question of if ‘lack of ambition’ is an unattractive quality is just a random thing. It’s not a question of morality or anything of significance. It’s just a matter of preference. It’s like if a fat person asks why do so many people prefer skinny/middle sized people. We can all spout off the ideas that we prefer average sized/skinny women for health reasons. But the reality is that (as men anyway) if a woman is just genetically blessed with the ability to maintain a nice size, it really doesn’t matter what her eating/workout habits are. We’ll generally still be attracted to her.

I can think of a few women who eat fairly well and workout out pretty consistently, but are still overweight. I’m not attracted to them, despite their healthier lifestyles. I can also think of a few women who eat garbage and rarely hit the gym….yet the still maintain a pretty decent size. And they are attractive to me.

So this ambition thing is just a matter of preference. It really doesn’t speak to the efficacy/competence/intelligence of a person. In fact, there is a thing of being “too ambitious” which I’ve heard a few women complain about. If ambition were an inherent biological turn on trigger. It could be argued that the most “ambitious” men would get all of the women. But highly ambitious men also get cheated on and left every day for less ‘ambitious’ men. From my perspective, the question of attractiveness of “ambition” is just the spirit of the time. It’s just a social construct that we as a society has deemed as important in this day and age. The laid back, “it’s all cool man”, zen like, island boy archetype, or free spirited, but fun hippie type was once coveted amongst women. In some cases still may be, depending on who she is and where she is in her life.

We just live in a time of gross materialism and excess consumerism and it just is what it is. There may be a bigger reason for this, but to me, the WHY doesn’t really matter…. as I assume that it doesn’t to most people in this ‘get the bag’ culture we’re presently living in.

I can’t explain why I “beat myself up” in my evening workouts…..I just do it because I like the results. I don’t view it as a dealbreaker if someone else doesn’t do it. Maybe I’m making such a big deal out of it because this is the reason why STBXW claims that fell out of love. But in reality, I probably should take what she says as a grain of salt. I mean seriously, I know how she is and her answers aren’t well thought out. The guys she dealt with don’t seem any more “ambitious” than me from what I can tell….and so she probably just used that as an excuse for her “bad behavior”. If I suddenly became more objectively “ambitious”, she might stay for a while, but eventually, she’d find something else. I’m thinking that shit ain’t as sweet as she thought it was out there in the streets….but she can’t go back on her words….so even if she said….”now that you’re more ambitious I want you back.”… i truly don’t believe that was the reason she did what she did anyway. If i were to guess the actual reason, I’d say it was more or less to do with my personality. I’m not as funny as she’d like for me to be. I’m not as ‘alpha’ or ‘driven’ insofar as leading her to a specific destination. And I think she equates those qualities with ‘ambition’. It makes sense.

I need a woman who is ok with taking the driver seat with that. She’s ok with getting what she wants out of life, knows where she’s going, and ok if I tag along providing the value she needs and supporting her every step of the way. She’d have to be able to respect me though. I’m not a lazy bum and I pull my own weight….but if her idea of happiness is luxury and the ‘finer things in life’, then she doesn’t mind if mine isn’t. She’ll either inspire or motivate me to want it too….or accept that I don’t. I wouldn’t hold her back. I’d be with her every step of the way. She wouldn’t mind sharing as she would know that I’d love her anyway, she would know that I support her in achieving those things if they made her happy. Even if she wasn’t “ambitious” like that, she’d know that I’d have her back and it wasn’t the reason I was with her. I mean, I think I’d be the same way if the shoe was on the other foot.

Or she’s either like me and ok with ‘smelling the roses’ in the journey of life. She needs to be free spirited and yet analytical. Thoughtful, but not too serious. I don’t know if those traits are common amongst women of today. I’m thinking that this is why I want a earthy chick. Someone who is more spiritual than carnal minded. One who doesn’t get caught up in trends and would prefer to beat to her own drum. One who isn’t infected by the ideologies of the “hive mind.”

Hustle Couture

I was reading an article today about 10 traits of ‘unattractive people.’ Number one on the list (and the only trait I happen to possess) is being unambitious. Maybe the algorithm is listening, but lately, I’ve been really contemplating this idea of ambition.

First thing first, I don’t reject those who have ambitions to do strive for MORE. More power to you. I do think that a lot of people are cap when then they say that they are ambitious though. Many do a lot of “talking” about what they want or what they will do, but few actually go out and do them. A truly ambitious person goes out and gets what they want and doesn’t really do too much talking about it, except in retrospect.

Another disclaimer is that I don’t condone being lazy or unproductive at all. I mean you have to support yourself and when you have a regular job, I think you should strive to bring value to that position by being competent at it and actually doing the work.

But that being said, I suppose that I am content where I am. The reason I’ve been contemplating it lately is because it seems that I didn’t get the memo as to why it’s such an important/attractive trait. What are they really striving for….i mean what if luxury and fancy trips, cars, clothes, vacations, or abundant wealth isn’t my priority. Sure I’d take them if handed to me….or if I had a clear path to get those things. If the opportunity fell out of the sky and landed in my lap, sure I’d work to achieve those things. But as it stands now, I’m pretty happy.

I’ve never been impressed with people just because they hold a fancy title, position, clout, lots of money, or material things. I’m happy for them if they’re happy. Whether they worked hard for them or not, it’s still not my concern. It’s nice, but again, not my priority in life. They can’t take those things with them when they die. They could also lose them tomorrow. Building a legacy is cool if that’s what you’re motivated to do, but again, you can’t take it with you. I don’t think they are better or more capable than me, I just think that most times, their unique life’s paths put them in position to make it clear to them what could happen.

I don’t believe that for example….if Floyd Mayweather wasn’t born to a family of boxers in the vicinity of a boxing gym that he’d be Money Mayweather. Best case scenario, he’d probably been a warehouse worker or worked at the post office or something. If he didn’t get caught up in the streets (if he was raised in the hood or something), he probably would be a regular guy. Not to take anything from his work ethic in the gym….let’s be clear, he did put in the work. But he was put in a position with a clear path where he could focus and put in that work. It seems that his destiny/path was almost chosen for him. No hate or shade, but it is what it is. You could say the same for most bigillionaires, famous rappers or athletes. This idea of ‘getting it out the mud’ on their own seems to boil down to positioning and luck. The hard work was also necessary, but having the path laid out already were most crucial in his success. Even successful folks who didn’t have a clear path seems to have ‘stumbled’ onto it somehow. How many hard working, successful, rappers, athletes, and businessmen don’t make it. How many ‘successful’ people got lucky. Just saying. It almost seems like fate. But again, hard work is usually important either way though.

There is something about the consumerist, keeping up with the Jones’ mentality that turns me off. The look at me, I’m a special snowflake and deserve recognition or an award because I make a lot of money never sat too well with me. If you have a passion that can make money, by all means go for it. But it seems to me that MOST people don’t have passion for anything meaningful. They’re chasing fame and money because…..

And that is where I am confused. Perhaps I would be more ambitious if I had a real reason to desire those things in a more significant way. Maybe if I had a clear path, then I’d spend tireless hours honing my craft. Perhaps if I had a real passion for something, then I’d do it. But when people say that unambitious people are afraid of success. I have no clue of what that means. I have no reference point because as far as I can tell about myself, I am not afraid of success.

I am not lazy and when working with others, I make sure that I am a valuable and contributing member of the team. I keep my home fairly tidy. I work out most days a week (and I work hard) even if I don’t feel like it. I’m in pretty good shape, but I have no clue as to the real reason WHY I do it. It just makes me feel better about myself and it became habitual. I go to work every day and I’m usually fairly productive. But the point is that I do what needs to be done so I don’t think that I’m lazy.

Sometimes I wonder if most people are just caught up in some sort of mass psychosis where they feel like they have work to make more money to go to the next level to get more things. It’s like they’re under a spell which causes them to lust for more and more. Like, I really don’t the material worship and hustle culture that seems to have enchanted the masses. It feels disengenous as a lot of people who buy into this do things to make the money first, then IF it somehow contributes to society, it’s usually an unintended byproduct of their ‘hustle’ mentality.

I respect people more who actually make a difference first….bring value, then get rich off of that. Or if they are actually passionate about something, work at it, and then bring in the money as a result. But it seems that most people are more interested in making a quick buck and calling it ambition. I know too many people with clothing lines (they print T-Shirts) who would consider themselves ambitious. Again, I must stress that there is nothing wrong with having a side hustle. But I don’t see how selling T-shirts in an already oversaturated market makes one more attractive or desirable. People who fall for the old multi level marketing scams could also fall into this category. They are the worst if you ask me. I’ve gotten caught up in it and it’s disgusting how the top level people dangle these promises of ‘generational wealth’ and ‘luxury living’ onto people who buy into it. Most of the time, these products are inferior or average at best….nothing world changing about them…..yet these underlings buy into it hook, line, and sinker….as if the zeal for selling the business (usually not even the products) makes them feel like they’re better than others who don’t share that passion.

Statistically I’d imagine that less than .01% of people will be remembered after 2 generations after their death. It’s great to pass down money to your kids and all so they don’t have struggle so much for money, but let’s face it, you never know how your kids are going to turn out….and if they don’t have to struggle for anything in life, it’s likely they’ll turn out like me anyway.

Personally, I think that passion is more attractive than ambition. Greed and an unsatiable appetite for more and more are actually turn offs for me. I’m in the minority on this, but I’d rather live on a middle class budget with someone who is actually passionate about something than someone who hustles 80 hours a week just to bring in money in order to feel like they are better than others. This ‘get the bag’ / unfocused “hustle culture” seems toxic to me. It seems shallow and sheepish. It’s like most do it because they are following the crowd. It’s like they live in a fearful or ‘lack of abundance’ mindset. I really don’t get what is so appealing about it.

But maybe I am missing something. Maybe it’s not the world. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m really missing something here. I’ve been asking around hoping that someone would give me some satisfactory answer as to why it’s important to them. I usually get the buzz word answers like, “I want to leave a legacy”, or “it’s because we should always strive for more.”….. The most useful answer I got as to why people find it so attractive so far is because…. “ya know, it’s all the things that come along with it. Ambitious people have a certain way about themselves.” I guess, but it still seems like greed and a lust for admiration to me.

Given that so many people feel this way, I really wonder if something is wrong with me though. I’ll keep asking around and maybe something will click. And maybe I’ll finally understand. But as of now, I just don’t get it.

She’s just not into me

The issue with STBXW is also compounded by the fact that maybe she just isn’t in to me. I once read that if a girl is in to you, she makes it easy. She puts in the effort. She laughs at your jokes. She makes sex easier. Communication is easier because she drops her barriers. I believe this. I don’t think that they consciously do this though.

This could explain why it seemed so much easier in the beginning when we first got together. Somewhere along the line, she just stopped feeling me like that. Sure, I might have been good to her and treated her well. But this doesn’t ensure that someone is going to want to reciprocate in a sexual relationship. I’m not an unattractive guy….looks wise. But perhaps there is something about what she wants in a guy that I’m lacking for her. Perhaps foolishly….at one time….I would have at least attempted to change parts of myself for her in order to save the marriage. But that time has passed due to the way she handled “falling out of love” with me.

I don’t mind saying that she isn’t in to me. Everybody ain’t for everybody and truth be told, I’d much rather have a woman who loves me for me than to have to feel like I have to win her over. This is another reason why I no longer rest my hat on “in love” feelings that are subject to change when the oxytocin high has been cut. Real love to me is the ability to sacrifice that high for the sake of the relationship, bond, friendship, and family that we created. Perhaps it is necessary in the beginning to establish that bond, but it in certain ways, those intense emotional bonds will tend to temper over time and that’s where true love can begin to surface.

So in reality, while at one time, she may have been “in love” with me. She never truly loved me. I should have peeped that. This is one reason why I don’t really take my lover’s declaration of love as something I could feel confident in. One mistake I did make with her is that I outright dismissed it and never really thought about building upon it insofar as being in a real relationship. I did love and respect her, but I never let myself go…..that’s cool though because despite it feeling good at the time, I think that we’re just too incompatible in the way we view the world for it to sustain itself. I see her as another woman who lacks the ability to get to that deeper level and is emotion based. We had fun…but deep conversations usually took a bad turn. I just don’t think that we would have what it took to weather the storms that life might throw at us without her becoming vindictive, jaded, checking out, or giving up. It was a fun time though. Perhaps my experience with STBXW made me think deeper about it……some say it might not be fair to bring my past into that “relationship”…. but seriously, the issues were deeper than superficial imo.

Right now, as it stands, I don’t have anyone. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing. I do want someone, but maybe I do need time to be alone for a while. I’m not actively seeking, but a situationship seems to be what’s best for me right now. Some argue that it’s not fair to lead a woman on, but who knows. I’m not sure what I’d do if the ‘right’ one came along. Even if she checked off the right boxes, I feel that if I did allow myself to “let go” and fall in love….I’d lose frame….and she’d lose attraction to me. It’s like, love is a game that you can’t win. If you like her too much, she doesn’t like you back. If you don’t want more from her, then you’re stringing her along. Like bruh.

As cliche as it sounds, i think I just need to take time to love myself. The issue with STBXW will eventually take care of itself. The story (if it comes up) is that we’re separated and estranged and just haven’t completed the paperwork due to logistical reasons. That is the truth. I don’t want her back and see myself wanting her back anymore. I’ve never had a problem with rejection, I mean, I get rejected all the time. I don’t put myself out there a lot, but failure to get a choosing signal from someone I might be interested in is a form of rejection my book. It is what it is, so I keep it moving. This same philosophy should be applied to STBXW. She rejected me…and that’s cool. Sucks that I started a family with her and we have to break it apart…. but there is nothing i can do at this point. We cannot

The fact that I think that people/women subconsciously makes things easier for a man they’re interested in and harder for one they are not…..and the fact that STBXW seems to run mostly on emotions….i think that she’s ignorant of this fact.

I know that it sounds a bit meta, but i think that if we can examine our behavior and understand the why’s of what we do, we can exercise a bit more self control over ourselves. It’s like taking the ‘me’ out of this subjective experience and view it from a more objective lens. In other words…. “I” am not necessarily my thoughts or feelings. But rather “me” is a subjective thing that can be studied and possibly studied like any thing. This is hard though. And perhaps I would even have difficulty in doing it.

Maybe I over-estimated her

Lately, I’m really starting to think that STBXW isn’t really all that smart. Ok, I mean like I think something is really off or missing in her. Something isn’t right. There’s a saying that goes “the light is on, but nobody’s home.” Although that doesn’t quite describe it as she can and does answer questions as a sentient being would be expected to…. but it seems that she is missing something. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Maybe there is a certain level of self-awareness that she hasn’t quite risen to. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Not enough where it’s apparent upon first impressions, but if you were to dig a bit deeper and actually get to know her, it’s a bit noticeable. In my anger, I’ve thought of her as a black-blonde. You know, the stereotypical blonde that the jokes are made about.

I never thought of her as a ‘street smart’ person. Or one with a lot of common sense. But I thought that her level of naivity was a bit endearing. Only, it’s not when there are sharks, con men, smooth talkers, and others who would take advantage of her. She seems to lack a certain level of self reflection that causes her to be like, ignorantly selfish of how her actions affect others. I was thinking that either she doesn’t know or or doesn’t care….

The problem with this … for me anyway…. it that I am not presently great at manipulating emotions. She really needs structure and to respect that person who puts the structure in place. On a subconscious level, I think that she knows it, but she rebels against it. This bleeds over into her ignorance of awareness of self. I think she could easily be manipulated. I’m not a streets guy per say, but I’ve been around some sharks in the streets. I’m not easily impressed by smooth talkers. At least not to the point where I’d allow them to get over on me. When I first met her, I do recall telling someone that some guys could see her as a ‘lick’. Where I am from, this was a sucker or a person who is fairly easily manipulated.

She is led by her emotions a lot. Unfortunately, it seems that her empathy arrives from a place of attraction. She lacks deep understanding and prefers surface level conversations whenever possible. This could explain why we never really harped on deep level topics and could explain why if we did delve deeper into topics, she is/was mostly quiet. She’s the epitome of the saying “girls just wanna have fun”.

This also could explain my confusion as to why the answers to some of the questions I’ve asked her in the past seem unsatisfactory. She probably literally couldn’t explain why she does what she does even if she wanted to. At least not in a well thought out way. She is shallow in that regard. She doesn’t know herself and a very manipulative person could probably know more about her (and take advantage) than she does herself.

I’m thinking that her mental condition is degenerating. She used to get bouts of vertigo….which were never really explained. Now she’s having trouble with balance. She’s never been the most coordinated person in the world, but now she’s noticing that it’s affecting simple tasks such as bending down. She even has a slight gait in her walking now. Perhaps it’s a neurological condition. There are times when she doesn’t say anything or takes a while to spit it out. For example, yesterday, when I arrived home from work she pulled up in the apartment parking lot driving her mother’s car. I was going to keep walking, but she rolled down her window and called my name. So I look up and start walking towards her expecting her to say….something. She instead just sat there and looked at me. “Yes”, I responded, but she didn’t say anything. I thought she was playing a game, so I stopped walking towards her and got back onto the sidewalk. I was actually pissed because I thought she was just playing a stupid ‘control’ game. There have also been many times where she calls me, I answer with “hello” and she says “hey” and then…..silence. Again, I think that it’s a mind game. Like, why is she fucking with me. Sometimes, I’ll try to think of something to say….sometimes i flat out ask “what do you want.”….sometimes I just hang up.

Other times, if we’re hanging out, she’ll just call my name…..and not say anything. Or she does this annoying thing where she says…. “What?” as if i had just said something out the blue. I’m not much of a talker, I mean I don’t mind talking, but most of the time, I don’t share my thoughts unless we’re actually talking about something. I’d rather her do most of the talking anyway. I mean if silence is too uncomfortable, I’d prefer her to do the talking. I used to give in to that game (until she started with the disrespect and affairs) and I’d start rambling, hoping that she’d find something to catch on to. I’m just not one of those people who can just talk and talk and talk and talk most of the time unless I’ve been drinking. When rambling, I typically start talking about other people and things…. ‘gossiping’ or being a chatty patty…..so I prefer to keep it to myself. She likes to listen, but again, I don’t like telling other’s business, so I’d rather not say too much. If i go too deep, it becomes a monologue….that’s no fun as if she isn’t going to contribute, I may as well kept silent.

Otherwise, I’ll talk about my feelings about the relationship and usually that’s a one sided situation. I know that talking is a weak point for me so I think it sometimes feed into my insecurity about not being enough. Some of her closest family members are those people who seem to never run out of things to say. Maybe she expects that from me. They gossip, but also seem to be able to take any random thing and ramble on and on about it.

Closer and Closer

I was watching a dating show on youtube last night where callers call in and talk about themselves and the type of person they’d like to date. The influencer’s name is Kendra G. There are decent people on there at times, but there are also train wrecks that call in. The woman that called in last night was a 51 year old, 3x time divorcee. She claimed to be an investment banker from upstate new york. She claims that her current husband was crazy and he wouldn’t sign the paperwork to get divorced. According to her, they hadn’t slept together in over a year. When asked when the last time she was ‘intimate’ with someone, she responded….about a month ago…. with a married (not separated) man. Kendra was disgusted with this and ended up hanging up on her. In addition to this, the woman had some real emotional problems. Her moral compass appeared to be busted.

In many ways, she made me think about STBXW.

I know that I’m not perfect. Perhaps I shouldn’t be taking on a lover until I can figure out the divorce thing. I have been transparent with her though. I never meant to get ‘boo’ed’ up. I’m not even sure how we are still talking to this day. I certainly wasn’t looking for her. It went from getting a number, a few phone and text conversations, going out to lunch, having a fling as we both got wasted and had a great time together, to that was fun let’s do it again…..and almost 5 years later……How the fuck are we still fucking with each other? The story of my life. She’s the only woman I’ve been with intimately since I met her. Well I did slip up once or twice with STBXW, but I told her about it (after the fact)…..she was hurt…..I couldn’t promise her that I wouldn’t do it again…. but that I’d be honest and transparent if I did….I’ve made good on that since, but it’s been pretty easy since STBXW wants me to pursue her in between her trysts. I refuse. We haven’t had sex in over 2 years. Maybe if I really wanted to I could, but most of the time, I’m not exactly Mr. Romantic when I’m around her. This is a good thing in that it possibly could reset my progress insofar as emotionally disconnecting from her. Besides, i prefer making love and after reading some the texts she sent her male lovers…..I can’t see myself kissing or doing anything other than mechanical sex with her.

I know it sounds fucked up, but I hurt my lover once….this was before we got so close…. but in a way, i don’t want to betray her again. I gave her my word that if I do something with STBXW, I’d let her know and I plan on keeping it this time. She forgave me once and I do owe her honesty. Even if it hurts her. To me, it isn’t worth hurting her over. Even if I do move on and have sex with someone else, it won’t be with STBXW. How could I hurt someone who has shown me so much patience and love for a woman who could give a shit about me or our family.

IDK, I’m playing a game I cannot win. I don’t want to marry my lover. But I don’t want to hurt her either. If she finds someone else, I really can only hope that she’ll be honest with me as well. There has been some questionable activities, but I can only charge it to the game at this point.

Perhaps my moral compass is off….I’m not sure. I am still technically married on paper. Maybe it’s arguable that I’ve lied to STBXW by omission. But she never asked me directly and when she makes flimsy accusations that I’m seeing someone else, I never lie or deny. I just shut the fuck up. Ironically, I don’t think she would even mind as most of her lovers all had live in girlfriends that she knew about. But still, this is pretty messy from both of us.

Either way, I could see how people can call me a hypocrite. To me though, there is a difference. I’m not breaking up my family because I’m seeking personal happiness anywhere else. The person I’d end up hurting is my lover, not the STBXW as it seems that she doesn’t care. I also tried to work with her in getting a divorce.

Though I do feel disrespected in knowing that she is still my wife on paper and she’s out here sleeping around. It’s not as acute anymore. In fact, knowing what I know about her now….knowing that the guys she chooses to sleep with have girlfriends….and that she doesn’t mind being the side chick….knowing that she practically begs them to leave their women to get with her…..and knowing that this seems to be a pattern with her…..I’ve lost a ton of respect for her. Maybe it would be different if these guys were really single…..but the fact that she is willing to not only sleep with ‘taken’ men and willingly take another father out of the household in order to fulfill her desires….. I can’t help but look at her now in a certain way. She is not a good woman. At least not worth fighting for. I cannot take these blows in order to save my family.

Other men may not know about her like I do. Maybe none have taken her on because (despite sleeping with her knowing she is married)….perhaps they do have some honor insofar as not wanting to break up their families. Maybe her moral compass is so off that she doesn’t realize that some men actually do look at the reasons why she’s breaking up her home. IMHO she isn’t justified and I suspect that many would feel the same way. But that’s only IF she’s telling them the actual truth about us. Even then, who knows.

Let’s be clear. I don’t condone cheating. Even from them. As ironic as it seems being that I have a lover while being married. In a techincal sense, I suppose that I am a cheater/adulterer. In spirit though, to me anyway it’s more nuanced than that. Cheating to me is giving someone your word then going back on that word behind their back. It’s willfully breaking a promise knowing that the truth would hurt that person. So you lie.

In a sense, I am wrong. Perhaps I shouldn’t be leading my lover on …. but that’s a separate issue. I’ve been transparent….I don’t want to be married again…..and that to me is about as honorable as one can be. But I do get the argument that if I truly love her, then I should do the heavy lifting insofar as breaking things off in order for her to be better able to move on and possibly find someone who wants that. I have been honest and it’s her choice to keep fucking with me. Love is a drug man. The girl is in love with me for now. I love her too, but I know that I can’t let these chemicals get the best of me again. Perhaps it’s easier for me as I’m still dealing with the fallout from the last time I gave myself over to the chemical romance.

I might be wrong…..but is what I’m doing really that bad? Perhaps, I am just justifying my wrong behavior because it’s suiting me and I really am a clown for condemning STBXW when I’m doing technically the same thing. To me it just seems different though. At least I’m not out here breaking up families. My lover isn’t breaking up something that could have been salvaged. It’s all on STBXW as far as I’m concerned. This is a messy. Almost like a war that I didn’t want, but I feel that I had no choice but to get my hands bloody. I hope I haven’t “lost my soul.” I still want to do the right thing, but the lines are blurry. I really didn’t know how sideways this could turn when I said “I do.” almost 14 years ago. Which is another reason why I just can’t do marriage again.

What do you do when the “enemy” is your own wife. This is a civil war where we cannot coincide in peace. The enemy seems hell bent on destruction. She started it, any attempts to negotiate have been thrown completely out of the window….was I supposed to just sit here and take her bullshit. Perhaps I handled it wrong initially. I really wanted to keep our family together at first. That part is on me, but hindsight is 20/20. Still though…. I had to do what I had to do not knowing what to do against an enemy who seems to have had no real objective and didn’t care about collateral damage. Things got messy.

That said. I think STBXW’s moral compass is completely busted and it’s hard to have someone like that close to you. You never know what they’ll do or are capable of doing. You can’t control it, it’s unpredictable, and all you can hope to do is distance yourself. Hard when you have to co-parent. They say that bad company corrupts good habits. I find myself out here doing things I never thought I would be doing….. in a technical sense. Yet here I am. I won’t apologize for that. I didn’t ask for this shit.

Perhaps if I were stronger…..but if I were, then I wouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s all a test. I failed…..but here I am…..all I can do is move on and hope that I learned my lesson. Meanwhile, between going through all of this, and looking at women like the aforementioned lady on Kendra G’s show, I am making ground in emotionally detaching from STBXW. This woman (though I chose her so it’s my responsibility to get out of this) made her choices. Me and kiddo payed a hefty price.

I lost my family, but given how she handled everything, this outcome was probably inevitable. I loved too hard and payed a severe price for it. Hopefully the lashes and emotional scars from this whipping will remind me to never do that again. I’m still standing. I am recovering. Slowly, painfully, but surely.