Did I Expect Too Much

I know that this might come across as condescending and sound terrible, but bear with me. I’m starting to think that perhaps my STBXW might not be so bright. I mean deep conversation was never her thing…..and that is ok.

Ok, let’ say it would appear that she’s the type that is easily distracted by shiny objects. She rarely argues with me, and it’s ok. I was starting to think that perhaps she was a covert narcisist or something.

I do think that she’s on the spectrum. But her number one go to argument in all of this is that she’s unhappy with number two being that it’s not my intent to hurt you. Like I’m just supposed to just be like “hmm, ok that makes it better, I see your point now.”

I’ve asked, “would you like to see someone treat you, your mother, kiddo, or anyone else you love like this?”. Her response is always no.

I’ve asked then “why do you think it’s ok to treat me with so much disrespect as not just a human being, but a man?”

Her response usually is: “It’s not my intent to hurt you.”

I usually return and say, “Well why do you do it when you don’t have to?”

Her reply: “It’s not about them (those guys)”

Me: ” So, why can’t you just be ‘single’ until we figure out the whole divorce situation as I find it hurtful and disrespectful that another man is actually talking to and fucking my wife while we are still living together.”

Her: “I’m not happy”

Me: getting frustrated “How is it a proper response in a marriage/relationship you’re in to cheat just because you’re unhappy. Shouldn’t you try to fix it, leave, or divorce?”

Her: …

Me: “It’s like, you go out and actively seek other men even after you knew how bad the others hurt. It really feels like this is intentional and i’m taking it as disrespect.”

Her:… It’s not

Me: “Look, I’ve told you, you’re burning a bridge here even though we have to coparent. Those guys are still going to be there. At the very least show me enough respect to either NOT do it until we figure this out….or move out. You know our history, and I moved back in because you promised you wouldn’t do this.”

Her: “Stop putting words in my mouth, Did I say I promised.”

Me: utterly shocked at the words coming out her mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Her: just don’t put words in my mouth

Me: Wow.

Her: Ok, I promise I will respect you by not being on my phone when you’re around.

Me: still in shock at what I’m hearing. “So you think it’s more respectful to cheat behind my back with men who know we’re married.”

Her: Isn’t it?

Me: not beleiving I have explain this. “there are levels to it, you know, either way is disrespectful to me.”

Her: “Would you rather for me to lie to you.”

Me: “I’d rather you just leave.”

Her: “I will as soon as I find a job.”

This is the type of bullshit I have to deal with lately. This is why I can’t talk to her. I pretty much spent all my savings in past few months and am working an extra job to keep the lights and internet on, rent paid, and etc. Not to mention she’s flown to NYC on her credit card twice last minute (imagine how high the damn tickets are) under some other premise she told others, but somehow ended up with him.

I personally don’t find her body alluring at all anymore. There’s just something about knowing that she’s sleeping with another man that makes me personally not want to touch her sexually. I can’t even stand to look at her when I’m around. This is no longer intentional. It’s like literally can’t even look at her. I can’t remember the last time we made eye contact.

And after all that, working 10+ hours a day, going to the gym, going to boxing/bjj to get my mind off this shit and sometimes driving ride share after that. Just to come home to dirty dishes, dirty laundry, disrespect, and dysfunction.

I feel like I’m losing my shit over this. I mean is she really this stupid and selfish. I mean, to me (and maybe since noone else is there to referee so to speak), her arguments sound terrible.

WTF man!!!

I’m a hypocrite. I get it. But gotdammit, this crazy is rubbing off on me. I know I’m wrong. And that’s starting to weigh a little on my conscious. She never asks me anything. I don’t think she suspects anything. Or actually, I got a picture of what’s in her phone where she went snooping through mine and found a few text exchanges between me and a girl who asked me for my number (nothing incriminating as all we’ve done is text about mundane pleasantries/no sexual innuendoes even)….as clearly she can read.

But she never asked me about it. So tbh, I don’t know what she knows. Maybe she is smarter than I thought? Does she even know about my lover? I mean at this point IDC. If she asked, I’d tell her.

Maybe if she asked, i could concede to an “open”marriage until we could figure out how to separate successfully. As of now, assuming she doesn’t know anything, I just take it as her being disrespectful. I mean (justification I know) but it’s the principle. I don’t necessarily always believe in an eye for an eye type of justice, but if she wasn’t out her consistently cheating, I don’t think I would have taken on a ‘friend’….as lovely as she is.

I am wrong for this I know, but it doesn’t appear that I am hurting her. Am I a terrible person because of this?

Is she collecting evidence for a lawyer or something? She has told me that she doesn’t trust me enough to tell me anything because she doesn’t know how i might use it against her. Was this a slip up because she is planning to mount a case against me?

I gotta get out of this dysfunctional shit. This might be ok for her. She never expresses any gotdamn emotion. She’s like a damn robot or something. Maybe she needs this type of shit to thrive or something. If she wants custody of kiddo that bad, she can have it. If she wants to take him out of my life….as much as I do with and for him…..that she’s willing to manipulate the situation in her favor….. as much as he loves me and him me. And knowing the only reason i didn’t go nuclear on her or am even here is because I wanted to try to protect his home.

I’m just tired of the bullshit and if it’s her goal to somehow put me off of relationships and marriage in general. She is winning for sure. I never wanted this. It’s not fun, not good for my mental health, I just want my peace of mind back in regards to this.

Conflicting Interests

So i work with this younger chick who stopped me today with news about her “flirtationship” as she calls it with one of the mail couriers. The guy is pretty cool. Tall, handsome (no homo), and pretty charming. A bit, or should i say a lot of a player. Cool guy nonetheless as far as I’m concerned.

This chick is a bit on the naive side. Raised right for the most part with both parents. But kind of like most females, have a bit of a over inflated ego due to the simps she normally deals with. Par for the course for her age. Young 20’s I’d say. I still wouldn’t classify her as a ho. As far as I can tell, based on some of the conversations we’ve had, she hasn’t gone through the ho phase yet.

She says she sees our relationship as big brother/ lil sister. We tease each other and joke around and stuff. Anyway, she asked my advice on what I thought about him and is sort of wanting to know if they should hang out outside of work. I guess also probing if I knew if he had a “crush” or if I knew anything about how he felt about her.

Gossip, I know, and normally i would just dismiss this as ok little girl I don’t want to hear about this. Bottom line is, I know dude is a pretty smooth operator. My impression is that he’d smash and she doesn’t know what she’s in for. Things could get pretty ugly AND her naivety combined with her arrogance might lead to all kinds of ish down the road. She seems to be a pretty good girl and I’d hate to lead her to having a hurt heart by not saying anything.

The nice guy in me wants to tell her more (not everything) of what I know. But bro code dictates, it is what it is. Besides, no matter what I tell her, she’s gonna do whatever the hell she wants to do. No point in sacrificing my friendship with him by telling the truth as I’m sure she’ll talk about my observation. He did somewhat trust me enough to show me several videos he’s taken of baddies he’s smashing. Plus a few guys in the office sort of knows about his exploits.

I pretty much told her to do whatever. I don’t know anything, but she kept pressing. So i finally conceded to just hang out and don’t put her heart in it. I laughed because I’ve known guys like this and to me, even if I didn’t know what I knew, I could tell he’s a player.

She mistook my laughter as if he had mentioned her in conversation or something. She had a really niceguy boyfriend she broke up with as per one of our conversations because he was actually too nice. Dude was a real simp though. Young, good guy, like I once was, so i get it. Obviously not understanding on how these things work. At least based on the ‘good’ things he did for her a bit too often.

I asked her what was her impression of him. “He’s so nice, and funny”. Yeah, i responded, so why are you asking me what I think?

Her: Well, did he mention anything about me?

Me: No

Her: So why are you smiling and looking away?

Me: Cuz yall (as in you females) are hilarious.

Yeah, i’ll just let sleeping dogs lie on this one. It ain’t my problem.

Warning Signs

So, the stbxw came back to the apartment last night after a week in NY. Just as expected, she was no longer wearing her ring. She claims that she still hasn’t heard anything from the interview she went on last Friday.

I was really not looking forward to this. It’s so hard for me to even look at her. My entire mood changes. I felt that I was getting better without her around. And seeing her triggers all sorts of unpleasant emotions.

It’s like I can’t just sit by and let her keep texting men/her new man? right in front of me. I don’t want to even question it, but at the same time, it’s just a reminder of how fuxked up she did me. There are levels to this betrayal stuff. All are terrible, but each subsequent level makes things even worse.

Level 1 is the got drunk, temporarily had a lapse in judgment, slept with someone, and felt terrible about it. Either fessed up or when confronted, came clean. Apologized and did whatever actions necessary to allow the betrayed to heal as much as possible

Level 2 is developed an unexpected crush on a work friend or something, things got out of control, snowballed into an affair, got stuck in cheaters fog and now felt terrible about it. And did what I needed to do to ask for forgiveness.

Level 3 actively seeked out someone while married and started a relationship with them.

Level 4 slept with a s/o’s friend or family member.

While she hasn’t gone level 4 she’s pretty much done 1-3……but unapologetically, unremorsefully, and as far as I can tell, has no real regrets. In fact, only doubling down in being more secretive with her phone, and continuing to gaslight more and more.

Ok, I get it, she’s in an ‘unhappy’ marriage. But I really can’t see how this is on me. I’m not perfect, but I treated her as a friend first the whole time. From what I see and based off what the few friends I’ve let know what’s going on, they didn’t see anything that bad with our marriage or situation. It’s bad enough that she wants to take our family away, go back on her vows, split the home, hurt the kid, and meanwhile never lifted a finger to try and resolve whatever issue she/we had. In fact, her response was to go out and have a gotdamn affair, as if that was going to help “us” as a family unit.

Now, she has the nerve to keep lying, gaslighting, keep finding new “options” all the while acting like we should still be “friends” and “amicable”. It really pisses me off to have to deal with that. I feel like I’m the only one having to shield kiddo from the toxic behavior she introduced.

If she wants to leave, of course I can’t stop her, nor would I want to. But couldn’t she respect the friendship we had. Couldn’t she respect me as a person who was always there for her. She wouldn’t be finding these new “love interests” if she’d just work with me first in figuring out how to make the split amicable and easier for the kid. In fact, why in the hell is she looking for “relationships” while still married anyways? She knows it’s hurtful and disrespectful to me as a human being and a man.

Why completely burn the bridge down as if I did something bad to her in all of this? While it is terrible that she wants to break a home and marriage in the name of following her “heart” (scripture says it’s deceitful and wicked above all things ftr), it’s even worse that she has to do it in this way. Almost with no conscious with it.

So now I have to deal with this ish. I can’t stand her. She’s a liar, a betrayer, a cheater. These things make her a terrible person in my eyes. And it seems that noone in her family is saying anything to her about it. I don’t know what they know to be fair to them though.

The scariest part about all of this is that I still have no clue of the warning flags that could protect me from women like this in the future. We had all the “important conversations” in regards to cheating, infidelity in the beginning. We both discussed how nuclear family is important. We both talked about how “forever” is a long time and we needed to always be real and honest with each other. We had both been cheated on in the past and talked about the worst part being the lying and gaslighting.

If she could just switch it up on me like that. How could I ever put my heart on the line like that again. At least for a marriage? Plus it seems that more and more women are out here cheating. The scary part is that she seems to have no remorse or regrets over any of this. Many of them have no problem with hurting a man who ACTUALLY loves them. Yet will fight tooth and nail for a dude who treats them like crap.

It makes me not want to be with her anymore. She definitely isn’t wife material. She seems to be like a lot (dare I say most?) of these females out here. Her character is really lacking. She seems oblivious to this. I suppose that this shouldn’t be a surprise. As the saying goes, ain’t no such thing as being halfway crook. By default, a cheater is a liar.

Yes, I am aware that I do now have a situationship on the side. But bear with me. I do feel that she pushed me out there and if she ever asked, I’d tell her about it. I don’t feel guilty about this because If I did her the same way she did me, I couldn’t be surprised, I’d feel that I had pushed her out there so to speak. Plus I’ve been upfront with my lover about everything, almost everything. I don’t really talk about all the bullshit stbexw is putting me through as too much sympathy ends up making me look pathetic. I don’t expect her to understand how deeply losing your family and the prospect of hurting the kids hurts and makes this not as easy as saying fuck it all. She doesn’t have that experience. Plus, while I can’t hold it against her personally, she kind of had it rough when it comes to the whole childhood family situation. Her bastard of a father wasn’t there for her either. So I don’t think she can REALLY appreciate how much I’m putting up with for this kid. Plus, I’m sure she has issues (understandably), based off social stigma for dealing with a “married man”.

Just wanted to point out that I don’t feel like a hero or martyr for doing this. I’m almost compelled to do this, so there could actually be something wrong with me psychologically.

I just don’t want to screw him up psychologically and the financial situation makes it more difficult than just moving the hell out….again.

Either way, I am at a much better space and i do believe that I am ready to have the talk with him. I just need the space away from her to make me not so angry and bitter. It takes time, but her last week away, made me realize that it wouldn’t take that much time to get back into that good space. I just can’t be around her.

Imagine having to stay and be cordial with a person who callously and coldly took the the most important thing away from you, keeps disrespecting you you in the process, and betrayed you in one of the worst ways possible. And takes your responsibleness to the kid (who they also claim to love) for granted. Some people don’t seem to understand that this can wreak all sorts of psychological hell onto someone. I’m torn between losing self respect and trying figure the best way to move forward given the circumstances. I’m in a bad mental headspace right now, but I do realize that the WAY i handle this makes all of the difference in the world.

Hopefully, she will be out soon as I can’t kick her out of the apartment in this particular state. I’m hoping that her “new” man will encourage her to get out…..probably not for my sake….lol, but because he doesn’t want to risk us getting back together….(as if….)

In love with a married woman….not me though

So I did a google search on the psychology of married women who leave their family for another man. I was hoping it could give me some insights on to what in the hell could be going on in the mind of my soon to be ex wife.

I ran across a few quora forums where men were asking if a married woman would leave their husbands for them. I was patently disgusted. I mean really? How freaking thirsty and immoral does one have to be in order to be actively want to break up a family. How stupid do you have to be to believe that she won’t cheat on you also. How cold do you have to be to not give a fuck about how it might affect the husband and the kids.

Men who willingly cheat with married women are disgusting to me. Especially those men who want to take them on for themselves. Two things that you know about a woman in that situation is that 1)she’s a cheater 2)she’s a liar.

Are these men so desperate that this is the best that they can do. Are they really that shallow and superficial that they the woman’s beauty/sex/ or whatever really have you considering wifing another man’s wife.

Apparently there is, and there is no small number of them. I have “friends” who have dated other men’s wives. Knowing that they were married. Once I found out, I realized that I could never trust these “friends” at all. They have no morals, no boundaries, and because they are willing to do unto others, things, they wouldn’t want done to them. Especially in the context of a family. These men are conniving, opportunistic, snakes. They are the worst and even though I wouldn’t kill a man who does it to me, I would have ZERO sympathy for them if a man did.

I seriously despise these guys, they are liars, thieves, and have no moral compass. How could anyone ever trust a man without boundaries. How could these women trust these men and vice versa.

But then again, perhaps they are good for each other. They are more “equally yoked” in a biblical sense. I reached out the my wife’s new guy via text a week or two ago simply letting him know who I am, our relationship, and telling how she already cheated 3x on me. I ended it with I won’t be reaching out anymore and to just do with the information as he saw fit.

Of course, this fool responds with “we’re just friends” and a link to 50 cent video. The thing is, I don’t give a fuck. He can have her. Maybe she is a hoe. Or maybe she’s going to love bomb the fuck out of him until he submits into a relationship or maybe he’s going to smut her out…..or maybe both….who knows, but the point is that I know I’m ready to leave because I haven’t been concerned about calling, texting, figuring out what she’s doing, when she’ll be home….tbh, i hope she stays. The fact that she’s always been pretty secretive is just another dealbreaker for me as far as relationships go. Knowing what I know about her, I’d never allow her to get this dick again. Like she’s unworthy of getting any pleasure from it, and I’d be a damned simple ass fool to let her try to make me feel sexually good. She’s not worthy of it. That’s not to say I’d never do an actual hoe, but I put her in a category below ho.

Maybe she’ll never come back. I mean it would suck for kiddo, but I’d be perfectly ok if I NEVER saw her again. It’s been a bit harder around the apartment since I can’t work part time and all the chores and responsibilities have been on me, but it’s so much more peaceful mentally knowing that she isn’t texting another man in the next room….or even right next to me…..and it’s so worth the hardships for now. Peace of mind man. Priceless.

In fact, it’s going to suck when she returns as I’m sure she’s going to probably be reaching out to whomever even more so. I pray she just stays away for as long as possible and even longer. But since I don’t know when/if she’ll return, I really need to make a plan to vacate as not to live in the toxicity while she’s here.

I am grateful for the break and the longer she’s away, the easier it gets not to dwell on it. Especially since I’m committed to not checking her soical media, email, etc. I no longer feel as hurt, or anxious at the thought of her. I think this is exactly what I need to fully be over it.

Fantasy Land Phantoms

There seems to be something delightfully wicked about the fact that one is able to say and do things to captivate a person’s heart. At the same time, disgustingly immoral. It’s scary and sad that in order to play the game of “love” in the most effective way is to tell people that you have feelings for them that aren’t authentic to how you really feel. And the rub is that if you actually feel that way, then it really doesn’t work.

It’s as if it’s a catch-22. You can either love a woman and lose her. Or pretend to love her and keep her in love with you. And often times, that line can get blurred.

Women seem to prefer to be told what they want to hear….even if it does conflict with truth. I can see why they fall for a certain type of guy (low level narcisstic/psyopathic/sociapathic spectrum types) so many times. They have no problem with lying or massaging the truth to them. Perhaps it intrigues them on a certain level that his words and actions don’t seem to align.

From a guy’s perspective, it’s so much easier to lie and fake feelings in the hopes of captivating her as opposed to putting it all out there and actually having feelings. In the former, it really doesn’t matter if she rejects you or not, so it’s much easier to be playful and not take it seriously. This makes you more internally consistent with your confidence and much easier to “play the game” of love so to speak. On the other hand, if you really do love her like that, you’re bound to make the mistake of taking it too seriously and becoming, boring and predictable.

Actually falling in love to the point where you can’t walk away is what women say they want. But in reality, that’s when they lose attraction to a man.

But if you can fake it and have them fall in love while you fake the feelings on your side….they’ll have the experience, but it’s just not authentic in a mutual way.

When it comes to romance, it’s almost as if you can either have love or admiration……but not both at the same time. And when it comes to heartbreak, the former guarantees you’ll feel it, but the latter isn’t as deep.

So perhaps the best thing to do is to love sacrificially (superficially). But be a good person with it. In other words, just get someone to fall in love with you while not falling in love with them. This doesn’t mean that you should treat them bad. In fact, love them through action and words, just not with your heart. Give them the opportunity to actually feel the love and admiration while you may not necessarily feel it…. and understand that just because you do this for them, they don’t owe you anything.

Like, I love seeing you in love. I’m glad I can give you that. But I’m not IN LOVE with you like that back.

Perhaps they can fall out for any number of reasons, but at least you won’t take it personally and can truly wish them better.

Perhaps the reality is that a Narc’s inability to fall in love can teach an empath how to love without attachment. The love given is voluntary and never compulsively. Though a Narc’s love is often opportunistic.

Perhaps the key to love without attachment lies in this space somewhere. Maybe the pain I went through with my soon to be ex wife can teach me how to do this, just in a more ethical way.

I don’t want to fall in love again anyway so perhaps I can take this as a lesson on how to love in the future in a more ego less way. While at the same time, somewhat placating the ego minus the attachments. Perhaps this is what i had to learn. Never fall in love.

It’s a drug, it’s a trap, in fact, for a man, we shouldn’t even call infatuation love. It truly is a form of madness for us. It should ONLY be voluntary and never compulsive. In fact a man being “in love” with a woman isn’t really love at all.

So when i say, i love her, it’s not say that i’m “in love with her”. I just love to see her love and I’m glad that I can help her feel that way. Love without attachment is the way to go. As the love is voluntary, should she violate and disrespect, just walk away, no harm no foul. My love must have stopped being enough. You can’t cheat on a person you’re in love with. My principles dictate that you shouldn’t cheat on a person you love either….so that’s that part.

It’s ok to be alone until i can find someone else to fall in love with the way I love them.

Perhaps it is ok, to say things you don’t really mean in the game of romance. You’re just giving them what they want. The gift of being in love with someone who truly (not compulsively) loves them back.

Another Beta Male Marraige

Even though I have been feeling like this is over for a while now. Last night, there was a point where I realized that I have no fight in me. I have no hope nor expectation for her to change or things to get better.

I can’t envision a brighter future with her. I can barely bring myself to look at her. She’s burned me so many times that I couldn’t have any self respect for myself if I tried. Even if i wanted to try to work things out. She’d have to kiss my ass in ways that I don’t think she’s capable of doing, nor would I really want her to. I just don’t think she’s worth it. She isn’t who I thought she was. She really is for the streets. She is a liar and comes from a place of deception. She really is one of those type of people!!! Dunno why that was so hard for me realize about her.

I can’t lie, pretend, hope, or even righteously imagine that we could fix it. I’ve given her so many times to come clean, change, consider our family, stop being disrespectful and sneaky and lying so much. I don’t think she can change. I cannot respect her for taking our family away without even trying to fix it. I can’t respect her for hurting our kid and breaking up his home without so much as lifting a fucking finger to fix it.

To me, she’s a lying, disloyal, cheater who only cares about her own happiness, damned if the people closest to her get hurt by her actions. She never gave it chance, and instead of respecting us as a family, my efforts as her husband, nor the fact that our child deserved for us to at least work at our marriage, she chose to actively take advantage, lie, cheat, humiliate, and disrespect OUR FAMILY for some new dick.

Seriously, otherwise maybe we could have worked at figuring out almost anything else that was making her so unhappy. She’ll never be able to admit that….and it wasn’t for some specific person. It’s because she wants to be out her “experiencing” new men in an effort to make herself “happy.”

I hate that our child has to be collateral damage. I’m pissed that she disrespected me so bad on that, but I’ll be ok. Truth is, I only stuck it out for him. But the fact that she’s so willing to hurt him over such a superficial and false fantasy (how will this make her better)….and why does he have to suffer over her selfishness…..that’s the part that’s toughest to cope with.

I hate that she lies and loses no sleep at night for being so wicked after doing so much damage to people who truly loved and depended on her the most.

I hate how she justifies this hurtful behavior as, it’s not her intent to hurt someone…..as if her intent justifies her wicked and unnecessary actions.

As if verbal acknowledgment and accountability are the same thing.

And i think I’d be willing to forgive all of that….the wasted 10 years. The realization that she never truly loved me. The fact she betrayed me…. (of course we couldn’t be together anyway after that)…… but hurting our kid by destroying our home because she wants some “new dicks” in her life….is almost unforgivable.

It was OUR responsibility create a home for this kid. I was fucked over bad first and then again, and then again…..I was lied to, cheated on, gaslit, disrespected, emasculated, cucked, and yet and still, I took all of that so that our kid wouldn’t have to face the heart crushing pain of what she did to us.

I hate when people say that both people share the blame. In a way it’s true, no one is perfect.

But it truly minimizes the fucked up things that one person in a relationship can do in order to totally fuck things up for everyone.

She has even admitted that I was a good man to her and our family. Yet, I deserve to have my home ripped right from under my feet. I deserve to have my son taken from me even though I took all of this pain for him. We deserve misery because she thinks that sucking random dick and living like a gotdamn bourgeois ass thot is what’s going to make her happy.

Adding insult to injury, she wants me to protect him from what she’s doing. As if this is my fault or doing. Yet, I have to take yet another flaming arrow for her in order to protect their relationship. Not saying I really have much of a choice in this. My principles inform me that I really shouldn’t bad mouth her to him nor damage their relationship. I don’t know if the truth about her won’t damage him psychologically.

I’m Not saying we should be together anymore. I am painfully aware that this could never work. But i feel like I deserve more gotdamned respect than this. Yet the silver lining is that I won’t have any regrets.

I truly believe that my cause was righteous. I made mistakes along the way to get here. I don’t even feel bad as she never questioned me about any of my indescrections (i don’t know if she knew or simply didn’t care). I never had to be dishonest with her.

I do feel that she did push me out there. I was hurting….bad, my self esteem was shot, it felt good to have someone to kind of go through some of this with me. I needed that intimacy that she starved me for. The sex and if I’m honest, the validation that I do deserve better. And tbh, If i behaved and treated her the way she did me, I couldn’t be mad at her.

That said, I gotta get to a better place. I can imagine in a year or two, when we settle into the new norm. Our kid is aware that his home isn’t going to be with both of us in it. And when we figure out this custody, child support thing……I’ll be much better off. Hopefully he’ll bounce back without too much damage. I may have to give him up if she wants this to be a custody battle. Not that I wouldn’t be willing to spend the money, but her unreasonableness and selfishness on the issue might cause more damage due to the contentious nature of these types of battles. How unfair would it be to make him choose between either of us? And when he’s older, I can explain to him what actually happened. Hopefully he can forgive me if I am somehow painted out to be the bad guy in all of this.

As for her, I don’t really care. I mean right now, of course I’d love to see karma bust her in her lying, psychopathic, cheating, narcisisstic, shallow, selfish ass.

But I’d rather be at a place of peace, content, and apathy. Maybe she’ll change, maybe not. But i don’t want to be in a place where if she appears to be “happy”, or if she gets off with it all scott free, where I’m mad or bitter over it. Though karma would probably still be my primary choice if i had any say in it at all.

Fighting the Beta Demon

Despite my understanding of women’s nature and wanting to overcome this need/desire to want a wife…. in fact fearing falling in love again. Something deep down wants someone to love on and have that “forever” person. I know it’s a myth or either I’m going to have to concede the fact that she’ll probably cheat on me someday…..she’ll lie about it, gaslight me, and I’ll have to forgive her.

But i don’t want to be a cuck who just accepts that she’s sleeping around and is willing to break her side of the trust as long as she thinks she can get away with it. Like, I want a certain type of love that has at it, trust, and selfless enough as not to humiliate, emasculate, and embarass me even though it’s within her wheelhouse of happiness to be able to have sex with other men while we are together. Even if she could “get away” with it.

I don’t want the type of love where she isn’t sacrificial in that sense. But I also understand most of them cannot be honest on such matters either out of fear of losing me, fear of my judgment on the issue, or simply fear of breaking the trust we have in the relationship.

Simply put, I don’t want to fall victim of loving someone who is incapable of loving me the way I need them to. Mostly with truth, honesty, and in a way where she loves me for me as I would love her for her. With a little willful sacrifice knowing that things won’t always be easy. Where she holds me in enough regard where she wouldn’t allow another man to debase and devalue me as her man, by sleeping with him.

And I know that what I want, while seeming simple on the surface. Probably isn’t possible and at the very least not worth risking my heart over. I just can’t give her my all.

And without that, there is no real point of love/relationships. And i am trying to just be ok with that. Like I want to find someone who I can’t walk away from, but I also fear finding it as it takes so much out of you if they decided to switch up on you later.

The heights of the good feelings of thinking you found “your person” isn’t worth the lows of realizing that she wasn’t at all. Especially if she realizes it first. And while I know that you can know if you never try, I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

So i have to overcome this “beta” instinct to want to be in that type of relationship. I have to be always on my guard and ready and able to walk away with as little emotional damage to myself as possible.

Perhaps I’m a love addict and I need to avoid it all together, as an alcoholic must avoid alcohol for life. It aint easy but hopefully this will get better over time. I really can’t go through something like my marriage, ever again.

I have to change this ‘beta’ heart and until I do, I must avoid “love” at all costs.

Change Your Expectations of Women for a Happier Life

I was sold a bill of goods as a youth on the nature of women. I always thought that they were pretty much faithful and that IF she cheated, it was because the man of her life was doing her wrong. Like really wrong. This led me to believe that all one simply had to do was to treat her right.

Based on my experiences and stories of other men have led me to conclude that that was a lie. It’s so much more complicated than that. I believe that the old adage “nice guys finish last” holds way more truth in today’s society than ever before.

The truth is that treating a woman….right, isn’t exactly what I thought it was. The equivocation is in the word “right”. “Right” needs to be more clearly defined…. that is if you want to get the results of having your heart ripped out of your chest. Call me bitter, but hear me out. It might save you from a world of soul crushing pain.

There are two ways you can look at the word “right”. The standard definition that me and many blue pilled men looked at was that if we treated her “like a queen”…. put her first. compromise. spoil her. Give her her wishes and desires. Make her feel special. Basically treat her how we’d like to be treated. With fairness, equity, and honesty. Be her best friend, provider, counselor, protector, and lover. Be faithful and be in a US vs the World mentality….she’d be happy and stay faithful.

And on paper, many of them say that this is what they want. In fact, i’d go so far as to say that it still is. But, there is another side to this. Once she gets this from you. It doesn’t fulfill, nor complete her. Once she has that from you….your loyalty, dedication, and heart, she becomes, bored with the relationship. THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM.

I’ve seen it happen to too many “good” men that once they give her all these things, she becomes, dissatisfied, bored, and unhappy. Something in her seems to crave the unpredictability of the “bad boy”. You see, most modern women are primarily concerned about “her happiness” above ALL THINGS. This includes friendships, relationships, family. Loyalty is not something most of them really have an internal grasp upon. Her personal happiness is a precondition of loyalty. And if she thinks she can be happier somewhere else, then it’s perfectly reasonable for her to break the conditions of loyalty.

That is to say that they can be loyal, but only if all of her current needs, emotions, and feelings point her into being happy. It’s not a choice, but more like based on her view of the external factors in her life. She isn’t guided by principle, but by more by her feelings and emotions.

Right should be more clearly defined as keeping her on her toes. She has to know that you have options and can and will walk away. It’s not enough to have her believe it, she has to know it. Even that is no guarantee she’ll remain faithful due to the dozens of thirsty simps in her dm, at work, or in the streets.

Infidelity and hurting her isn’t the biggest deal breaker when it comes to them. Her getting bored with you is. Added to the thirsty simps who will say and anything regardless of who it hurts (your family /kids included) in order to get sex and attention from her, you’re in for a real shit show. They will promise her greener grass, tell her how much more she deserves, and some believe they can make her happier. Many are so thirsty and never think that if she’ll cheat with you, she’ll cheat on you. Do you really want to “compete” for an unfaithful/disloyal chick. You’ll be fighting forever.

As unpopular of a sentiment this may be, the REAL deal is that if you want to stand a chance on keeping her, you must hurt her. You gotta take a page from the bad boys book. You must cheat on her. She has to chase you. Then you can treat her well for a little while.

There has to be a cycle of function/dysfunction/function. You must introduce the “toxicity” into the relationship sometimes. There really is no such thing as being her friend. You have to take an active part in regulating the ups and downs if you want to maintain attraction. It’s a lot of work if you’re a “nice guy” who cherishes peace and “doing the right thing”

They are primarily driven by their feelings. Being in love is actually more important than actually loving someone. And there is a huge difference. One is intentional and the other isn’t quite in our control. One is based on principle where as the other is based on the superficial. One tends to be more boring and stable, while the other puts her on a rollercoaster of emotions. In order to keep from getting bored, she has to “trauma” bond with you….and the best time to do this is during the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. Even then, you have to occasionally do something unpredictably fucked up. Relationships are not for the even keel, live and let live type of guy.

Ever wonder why so many women stay down for the bad boy? This is pretty much why.

While both men and women are subsceptible to “falling in love” or having a “crush” on someone while in a relationship with a s/o. I believe that some people are able to place the principle of love over the feeling of being in love. That is to say that real love is enduring and it does sometimes require sacrifice and letting things go that goes against one’s own selfish desires.

Today, most people are willing to do anything….especially for the sake of lust in order to fulfill their personal desires. These desires are not necessarily “needs”. But given that many believe that they deserve maximum happiness in all aspects of their lives, they are willing to sacrifice principles of love in order to get it. This is why there is such a proliferation of cheating and infidelity in today’s society.

I don’t recommend that men fall in love today. It’s truly a curse to find someone you believe is “the one.” Because odds are if one chooses to believe the statistics as well as the anecdotal stories told by men from all walks of life, a very large number of these women cheat. In fact, I’d believe it’s much larger than the stats suggest.

Forget all of this if you are a guy who has dark triad features already ingrained into your personality. You’re golden when it comes to sexual relationships. This is more or less for the “good guys” out there.

If I am correct, and I am open to more information….from a seasoned “good guy’s”, you only have a few options.

1)Take a chance, get in a relationship, but be willing to accept that at some point in time, that your girl will most likely cheat on you someday and possibly leave for the other guy. *she WILL lie and gaslight if discovered. It doesn’t matter how well you think the relationship is going. Always be willing to walk away if this is a deal breaker, because she will NOT stop no matter “how sorry” she says she is.

2)Don’t get into clearly defined relationships. Love and play the game as you see fit. With this though, be aware that you can never truly give your heart to her. It doesn’t mean that you have to lie or see other people behind her back, but be aware that most times, if something is off or changes, the writing is usually on the wall. ACT accordingly. Titles will not keep her faithful and the lack of one will not make her disloyal if she really likes you. Maybe her trying to get the title can keep her entertained long enough to not get bored. But always be in a space where you are able to walk away at any given time.

3)Go MGTOW and not deal with women all together….or only in a sexual context with pump and dump as a guiding principle.

4)Simply just turn a blind eye to it and don’t let it bother you. Many times, we get hurt because of the expectations we put on her.

All of these options still fall under the premise that you won’t be the last guy she ever sleeps with. It doesn’t matter how well you think that your relationship is going. The question is, are you willing to take her back?

I am aware that this view of love and relationships seem fatalistic. But again, given the stats and times we live in, it is realistic. That view of keeping a woman faithful is pretty much dead these days. If you’re basing your love on fidelity, then I’m sorry to tell you that you’re fucking up.

I’m not saying that ALL women cheat, but most of them do and many times you really can’t tell a faithful woman from a cheater until you catch her in the act. Again (keeping in mind) most have no problem with lying and gaslighting upon suspicion. Talk is cheap. Hell, it’s free.

This day in age, it’s probably best to acknowledge that she will cheat and set your expectations accordingly. I don’t think it is wise to tell her this for a few reasons. 1)she will see you as bitter 2)most live in a world of cognitive dissonance on this particular issue 3)even if she promises she would never do it, she will, and will lie and gaslight upon discovery. There really is no point. and 4)it is seen as insecurity to acknowledge this out loud.

Save yourself a ton of heartbreak and disappointment and simply expect that she will cheat and gaslight and lie upon discovery. No matter how “good” she seems in other aspects of her life. It’s up to you do decide what you want to do with it from there.

Personally, i just recommend have fun, enjoy the moment. But don’t set expectations and most importantly, don’t get too attached. Love yourself enough not to put yourself though it if you can’t handle it.

Out of Control

Thot culture and the acceptance of woman promiscuity is quite disturbing to me. I don’t know if it’s just me….maybe I suffer from toxic masculinity or male chauvinism, but I’m sort of repulsed by women who flaunt their sexuality out in public.

It turns me off in a way. While I do like a nice body in a sundress, curves through distress jeans, and what not, there is something about actually seeing real women engaging in sexual acts outside the context of porn that somewhat turns me off about them. The line between classy and trashy is often crossed and lands on the trashy side of things.

There was a difference between playboy and hustler magazines back in the day. Many modern day females are straight out of hustler magazines.

I really despise the Cardi B’s, Meg the Stallions, and Nicki Minaj’s of the world. I think it comes down to the fact that I still see sex as a private thing. I think that it encourages women to not only be thots, but also unfaithful.

I hear a lot of women say that it’s their sexuality and it parading it around ’empowers’ them on some level. To me, it causes me to lose a certain level of respect for her. It’s sort of like the difference between a fighter who is humble about his abilities outside the ring (save selling tickets to a main event fight) and one who is cocky and always ready to talk about how badass he is.

I think it’s the vanity and arrogance that turns me off. If u got it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to flaunt it. Looks, especially if genetically or artificially obtained seems to be too easy. And the thirsty simps who fall for the thirst traps also disgust me.

I’ll admit that I am judgmental when it comes to that. But for some reason, I don’t like arrogance and self boasting. It’s just a character trait that I’m somewhat turned off by.

It’s kind of like people who flaunt their money in order to get people to like them. And the people who like someone because they have money. Like those people suck to me. And while I know that I don’t have to deal with them and I’m not exactly a saint either. I just don’t dig that type of behavior.

It seems shallow and superficial. In the same token, it’s like women who do this seem shallow and superficial.

Many women seem to think that sexual liberation is the same thing as being a hoe. And that men should just accept them for being a hoe. The thing is (an I suspect many men also feel this way), I can accept a woman for being a hoe, I’m just not feeling her for anything other than sex. I just don’t respect her. Or rather, I respect her about as much as I respect hoes.

Not saying that I don’t respect them as people, I just don’t respect them as someone I’d want to interact with outside of sex. There seems to be a lack of humility that is a turn off.

Plus a certain degree of toxicity that comes along with dealing with certain people for too long. A hoe doesn’t appear to be the faithful type. She seems like she’d be manipulative and a liar. She doesn’t seem that she’d have a real conscious preventing her from doing any wicked/evil thing that would promote her own self interests, regardless of the consequences of her actions on those around her.

They are only out for themselves and their money. It’s just not attractive in terms of looking for a mate or partner. Selfish people suck at being mates and partners. They tend to create toxic environments. Yet today, ladies are encouraged to be selfish and permiscous. And they wonder why men don’t really want relationships or take them seriously.

Girls just wanna have fun is as much an indictment as it is an observable fact. Many of these modern females take nothing seriously, not even themselves, only relying on the thirst of these simps to give them validation. They see men as only ATMs or sources of validation reminding them of how superficially beautiful they are.

They are like the woman in proverbs who wipes her mouth and says she did nothing wrong. She actually believes that she is entitled to immoral behavior

They objectify men as if we are work horses designed to meet their every whim and desire. And many feel that the only thing they have to bring to the table is sex. They take this whole women are goddesses or princesses way too damn far. And these simps who subscribe to this, either truthfully, or simply as a means of getting sex are really just terrible.

I’m losing faith in humanity at this point. I’m really losing a lot of respect for the thotty woman and the simp man at this point. And it seems the problem is getting worse. Sex, superficiality, and thot culture is just as bad / if not worse than too much religion.

I’m about over it.

Not even Friends

I have never met another person whom i really dislike more than my wife. It’s terrible and it’s a strange feeling to have such a repulsive/antagonistic view of someone. Like, if she fell off the earth tomorrow, I wouldn’t even care.

Not to say that I want anything bad to happen to her. I just don’t like the chick. Like it’s a certain level of contempt that I feel for her. Like, I think she’s stupid, superficial, and selfish. To be fair, maybe I judge her way too harshly.

TBH, there are a lot of people I’d probably feel that way about if I were stuck around them. We definitely need space. Even though I feel justified in my feelings about her. I’m thinking that the majority of the ill will I feel against her is based on the sense of powerlessness of having to live under the same roof as her….. with the betrayals, lies, gaslighting and her failure to own up to the broken condition of our relationship, marriage, and family as a whole. Having to constantly deal with the humiliation of knowing that my “wife” is out here cheating is something she could care less about. And having to stay in a condition where it seems that what she knows what she’s doing is wrong (she admitted she wouldn’t want someone doing it to our son), having the power to stop, but not caring enough about me to just do the right thing.

It feels disrespectful at this point. I feel powerless to stop the disrespect without needlessly dragging our son into the situation (possibly creating a rift between them) or creating a condition where I might go to jail. and she seems to be taking advantage….as if I’m doing this for me or her. it again shows her lack of regard for anyone else in this whole situation except her and her new “interests”.

I know that I’m not perfect. But the way she operates seems unreasonable and selfish. I mean who breaks up a family based on unreasonable and (self admitted) selfish reasons. Who actually feels that it’s justified to ‘cheat’ because they are unhappy when it was them who waited until getting into a full affair to say that they were unhappy.

As a few more examples, she wants the kid to go to a private school. We both have student loans and yet she still wants to pay the tuition for it. Yet, we already live in one of the most sought after public school districts in the nation. She uses that as an example of how we are both on “different pages”. She can’t articulate “why” private school is worth the money either. Plus, with these private schools, they expect a much higher level of parent participation in the school. She barely does anything now.

Another is that she wants to move back to NYC, her hometown. Yet our kid was born and raised here, we have close family on both sides here, this area has a lot of growth, job opportunities, diversity, it’s a great place to raise a child, relatively low crime, and amazing schools. I also have a pretty respectable job with the county with good benefits. I’ve spoken to many transplants from New York who also agree that this would be a better place to raise a child.

Her argument is that she feels stuck and that I’m closed minded. She wanted to move to a place to buy a house we could barely afford, in a much worse school district, pay for private school over there, while at the same time wanting to take international vacations more often, eat out pretty much whenever she feels like it, and drive a luxury car…. all the while saying, she’s willing to work an extra job or two for those things…..and suggesting that I should be willing to do the same. Or if we were on the same page, I’d be wanting those goals as well.

All this, she wants me to do …. after cheating, having an affair, currently engaged in another (emotional possibly physical) one. And while I can concede that her “unhappiness” may have contributed to the cheating/affair. I cannot excuse her for it…..especially given she didn’t communicate that she wanted those things before she started cheating. Never showed any remorse, and tbh, though things might have “ended” with the other guys, she is still “entertaining” other guys.

Her smug attitude as if she’s doing nothing wrong really pisses me off. As if simply having a sense of “general unhappiness” is legitimate to warrant breaking up our home without trying to fix it…..and even worse, justification for lying, gaslighting and cheating.

It really pisses me off and I am no longer in love with her for that reason….in fact, I can’t say i even love her at all at this point. She may fool other men….she confessed that she simply tells them that she’s “unhappy”. Alluding to the idea that I’m not “ambitious” enough for her.

And apparently, that’s satisfactory to these thirsty simps. Did they ask her “why”….or “what she did to try and fix it”…. or even ask why, if she was so “unhappy” if she ever asked for a divorce or separation.

She even said that she’s willing to lawyer up in order to move our son from here to NY if she decides to move up there. Who in the hell takes a kid out of their parent’s life(especially knowing how important our relationship is to him and me)…..after already breaking up the home, without any attempt to fix it…..away from where he was born and raised simply because it what she thinks will make “her” happy.

Who does she think she is? She’s cute, but her character is all out of sorts. Her laid back persona hides the selfishness of her true nature. Here you have a pretty good looking woman (physically), laid back personality, well educated and gainfully employed woman with a sort of a naivety that can easily fool a man into thinking that she’s a “good” one. IMHO, this chick isn’t even decent.

I suppose that i can’t be mad at dudes for falling for it. Hell i did. The only difference is that she wasn’t married at the time I met her. Maybe i would have too. But despite all of her good attributes, all of those are worthless in the end. It’s definitely not enough to lose self respect over. In fact, all of the positive are neutralized by the way she handles the situation. And given what’s at stake, she’s completely blown it with me. Perhaps she can fool them, but she and I know the truth.

We didn’t have to stay married if she wanted out that bad. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want nor respect me back. I loved her enough to let go if the marriage was that bad for her,all she had to do was communicate with me, all I would have asked was for a chance…. ….not just for me, but our family….. perhaps we could have salvaged at least a friendship out of the situation.

I mean damn, I had always been there for her. It doesn’t mean we had to stay together if I made her unhappy, but shit, didn’t our relationship and friendship at least deserve some level of respect. Did i really deserve to be betrayed and crushed as if 12 years and a family meant nothing? I’m a pretty reasonable guy, I really try to see things from all sides before passing judgment. She knew that about me. She had to. She saw how I handled difficult multi-faceted situations.

I’m not perfect, but I know that I’m not a bad catch for the right woman. I am patient, understanding, confident and secure in myself, trustworthy, loving, and generally have control over my emotions. Yet, even if she fell out, she acts as if I’m completely valueless. As if I didn’t bring any value to her life. And even if my “ambition” to get the “next level” didn’t match hers, does that make it so that I deserved this kind of treatment from her?

Yet perhaps we’re not right for each other other and like I said, if she told me she felt that way, then sure, I would have tried to find counseling, taken trips, tried to figure out if whatever her issues were with me were in my power to change (of if I’d even be willing to)…..but at least we could have been cordial. I didn’t need her outside of keeping our family together for our son’s sake. I did love her, but again, why keep someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

She didn’t owe it to me to stay, but she did owe me respect. I earned that shit. She owed our family respect. Our son didn’t deserve this and she doesn’t want to take any responsibility at all. To me, she’s disloyal, dishonorable, and disrespectful (to herself, me, our family and so by proxy, our son).

Education doesn’t equal intelligence. Charm isn’t a substitute for character. Salary doesn’t equal ambition. I’m thinking that someday she’s going to have to look back and see how bad she treated me, disregarded our marriage (and friendship), and family, and be ashamed (perhaps not necessarily wanting the marriage back)…..that’s karma enough for me.

I’ll be in a place of apathy by then. She’s not going to stop me from living my best life. Or she’ll never feel ashamed nor truly remorseful which also works because it does prove that she lacks a conscious.. I don’t need an apology or closure on this either way.

Either way, our friendship is done. We’re like Israel/Palestine, living in the same place, out of necessity and trying to be cordial until we can figure out how to separate (again). Hopefully, it won’t be too long from now as she alleges she’s trying to take a travel assignment to NYC ASAP.

I really didn’t want this thing to become contentious. But how else can it be when she’s so unreasonable and selfish. I know there are two sides to every story and I wish she had the wherewithall to articulate hers.

Unfortunately, it seems that people engaged in this type of behavior rarely, if ever give any insight into their motifs.