It could all be so simple

“But you’d rather make it hard….loving you is a battle, where be both end up with scars.”

-Lauryn Hill

I don’t know why so many women in the black community seem to think that their ‘temper’ or inability to control their mouth is a ‘cute’ or ‘quirky’ thing. I know so many women who humble brag about their tempers or anger issues. Many are also low key proud of the bullshit they be on when it comes to relationships. Songs like, ‘back up on my bullshit’ and so forth are anthems for them. They are materialistic, loud, overtly aggressive, and always ‘chasing a bag.’ They like to use current pop lingo/slang and seem to think that this behavior is somehow appealing. Their role models are Niki Minaj, Meg the Stallion, Rihanna, or Lizzo. They seem to think that expressing their feminine power is being overtly sexual and selfish.

They are loud, permiscuous, lacking morals, and overtly materialistic. I really don’t see the appeal. Yet, they wonder why men only want sex from them. I mean seriously, who the fuck wants to deal with all of that toxic ass behavior. To be honest, it’s a real turn off for me these days. When I see a woman who acts/dresses in a certain way, i am starting to bet repulsed by it.

The fake nails, fake hair, fake eyebrows, bbls, waist trainers, and so forth make them look like common street walkers or many times, transexual men. When I see a gang of them hanging around with these ho uniforms all loud and obnoxious makes me want to walk in a differerent direction.

I mean seriously, what dude really wants to wife a woman like that? My lover, despite all of my protests seem to think that this is what we like. She is a another example of someone experiencing cognitive dissonance when it comes to this. Even though she has toned down how she dressed since she’s met me…. At least when I can see what she’s wearing when she goes out…..she still seems to think that men like this.

I’m like the men who do actually like this ‘persona’ are probably men you wouldn’t want to get serious about. They all need to stop watching these reality tv shows because I’m starting to think that they think that this is real life. As a man, I’ve talked to men about the eyelashes, nails, and attitudes and the vast majority > 90% never say that they like those things. At the very least, the most understanding (blue pilled) say that it’s their right to wear what they want as long as it makes them happy. Still though, most of them won’t go so far as to say that they actually like it.

It seems that immoral, rachet, and loud women are the prototypes of what many females want to become. They are cold hearted and act like they want to be gangsters or female thugs or something. It’s like way too much masculine energy. It really pisses me off sometimes because these women want to act masculine, but don’t seem to understand that that the ‘loud mouthed’ arrogant guys who really be talking shit like that is either extremely rare or either a characature in movies and rap videos or locked up and in constant trouble.

Most dudes know that being reckless with his mouth or behavior (unless he’s really about that life)…. can get him into serious shit. He might get beat up, jumped, shot, arrested, or even killed if done to wrong person. You have a few ‘tough guys’ out there, but for the most part, we know that as men, that we have to show a certain level of restraint. you just aren’t going to be running your mouth at people on average….especially if you have something going for yourself. We will generally (normal guys, not street dudes) try to avoid voilence or situations where violence can occur. This isn’t out of fear of the next man per se, but it’s because the outcome isn’t worth it (win or lose). We’re talking, jail, possibly prison, having to kill someone, paying court fees, paying a lawyer, and bad things on our record. These things actually can hinder us and set us back a few years either emotionally or financially.

Yet, they want this bad boy who doesn’t care in the name of ‘feeling secure’ and protected. Protection from….what again….we live in a safe time. It’s all fun and games until he turns up on her….and then she gets to play victim. What a confusing time. It seems just easier to just not give a fuck as far as not caring what their feelings are. This way, you don’t have to capitulate to the pressure of walking that fine line. And ironically, it seems that the less you give a fuck, the more she likes you.

Then if you are foolish enough to take on the risk of catering to her in the name of ‘love’ you absolutley must walk in perfection. You’d better be making the right money, keep her entertained, fuck her good when she wants it, buy her nice gifts, take her on exotic trips, stay masculine (whatever her version of it is), and anticipate her wants/desires before she does. You better make good money AND somehow carve out enough time for her. Yet, maintain an air of mystery. Basically, become a suffering/ yet eager super man servant to her needs without coming across as too desperate for her. Then, should someone else come along who provides something you may lack…. or he happens to have better ‘game’, or promises her ‘better’ than what you can offer…..All of the dragons you slayed, your achievements, or your history together means nothing.

It’s your job to keep her ‘happy’ in this day of the promise of greener grass at every turn. She’s a princess who “deserves” the best of what life has to offer after all and fail to meet that expectation, then she feels justified to turn her back on you. Seriously, who the fuck wants to sign up for that? Your contributions, feelings, desires for the best for her mean absolutely NOTHING….even if you were foolish enough to put up with all her bullshit in the name of love. Maybe i have abandoment issues, but it does seem that way to me.

To me, it ain’t worth it. At least not to the point where I’d put my heart on the line again. If she ain’t making it easy, i ain’t chasing shit because often times, the juice ain’t worth the squeeze. Loyalty is a good man’s downfall these days. It truly is a case of ‘she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.’….that is of course, unless you pay the price….and there is still no guarantees with that. … and guess what, there is NOTHING you can do about it. But if you do happen to win….your prize?…..to keep doing it over and over day after day, year after year……hoping that you can maintain.

Yet they wonder why men don’t even try these days? I can’t say how many women are like this but I can say for sure that I don’t see women calling this bullshit toxic behavior out. Many men will at least ‘white knight’ or pretend at least just to get some ass. But you rarely if ever see women call toxic/terrible women out on their behavior….to the contrary, you see many of them endorse this behavior.

Not saying that all women are like this, but you can never really know because 1)there are a ton of chameleons out there (narc’s are notorious for that and 2)people do change. I wouldn’t recommend putting everything on the line for something so fickle and uncertain….but to each his own.

Truth or Red Pill Indoctrination?

They say that love is the thing that makes you accept the worst out of a person and still want to deal with them. In marriage, this gets exponentially harder as the lust factor fades, familiarity increases, and the pressures of life begins to mount up. You have to learn to accept your spouse, and their changes, for better or for worse for the sake of the family unit. Hopefully, that person’s changes won’t be deal breakers and you can grow together.

I’m starting to wonder if she hadn’t cheated / had an affair, could I have a taken the STBXW’s changes. I am at the point where it fees like she’s just not right for me. I wouldn’t marry her today if I knew her. Especially knowing what I know about her now.

But I have to admit that I don’t know if I’m really good for anyone in a relationship context.

However, I also have to admit that lately, I have developed an aversion to loving a woman. Ok, rather, being in love with a woman. This failed marriage and the internet has really changed my perspective of relationships and women in general. I always thought that in general they were fair minded, self sacrificing, oppressed individuals who just wanted a fair shake in love.

Today, I hold a wildly different view. It appears (at least based on my experience with STBXW and the view of many men social media) that they are actually selfish, materialistic, cold hearted, narcissists who only live for the principle of self. They are generally sneaky cheaters who only love what you can do for them and think that the universe revolves around them. They are ignorantly narcistic, virtue signaling, self victimized, spoiled princesses who feel that they deserve the lifestyle of the rich and famous. They can’t be wrong, like ever. In essence, many are like spoiled children with too much power and expect for men to bow down to them as they complain about said men, while at the same time feeling like they can treat men any way they feel…..often based on superficial values such as attractiveness or wealth accumulation.

I don’t know how many more videos I have to see of wives cheating on/ humiliating their husbands…..getting in a man’s face and talking shit, sometimes even hitting him, knowing he can’t really do anything about it…. or simply going online and complaining about the ‘lack of good men’ while always being attracted to ‘bad men’ who they already know are ‘bad’. They swoon for the attractive womanizer knowing his reputation in advance, seeing all the red flags, but when it blows up in their faces, they want to complain about ALL men……while either ignoring or friend zoning the guys (simps imho) who might actually treat them right.

But if they do choose one of those guys, they want money, more money, excitement, adventure. They want…no they feel that they ‘deserve’ a man who is attractive, wealthy, charming, understanding, passionate, a porn star in bed, and desired by other women while he only has eyes for her. And they should not settle for less than perfection (though often claiming that no man is perfect). These average women all think they are somehow above average and that average is somehow an insult these days. Too many think they are 8’s or 9’s and marriage material, no matter how shitty their morals, values, actions, and behaviors are.

For this, I blame the terrible ‘simps’ who tell women anything so that they can get laid. All up in their inboxes calling them ‘queens’ or ‘beautiful’. Noone is checking them and often the media panders and caters to them. Yet many still have the unmitigated gall to complain that the ‘patriarchy’ is oppressing them simply because they choose to engage with ‘bad men’ or would rather put the magnifying glass on they few bad men that actually oppose them.

They claim that men own most of the wealth when in reality it’s only a few men who own most of the wealth. Yet they conveniently ignore the fact that most men get raped in family court (often times for trying to do the right thing for their families)….most of the homeless people are men….. most suicides are committed by men….. 80% of divorces are initiated by women…. and let’s not forget that many of them feel entitled. The mere accusation of an average man doing something hurtful to a woman will often land him in hot water even before the evidence can be weighed out…..(yet they want to only spotlight high profile cases with powerful men….as if this is the norm).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for ‘equal rights’ for women, but equal rights should not infringe upon a man’s rights to exist.

Oddly enough, despite all of these negative feelings I have against women in general. The ones that I encounter in real life seem pretty decent on the surface. With a few exceptions. I’ve pretty much discovered to avoid controversial topics or debates and let them talk without giving my true opinions if they are in opposition. I do believe that most women over 28 can’t learn anything and think that they know everything.

It’s like thoughts like “i don’t know” or “i could be wrong” never cross their minds. And it does really seem that it’s really pointless to have a real conversation or offer anything to the talk outside of what they already believe. Instead of listening, they want you to agree. If they start losing logically, they create “my truth” scenarios, deflect to different subjects, shut down completely, or become extremely insulting.

Perhaps I’m mysogynistic, but if it’s mysogyny to call it how I see it, then I’m guilty as charged. But imho, many women are just terrible…. at least in a relationship context. I couldn’t imagine being married to such a selfish, emotions driven, narcissistic, materialistic, cognitive dissonant, self absorbed individual again.

It really does make a guy only want them for one thing and as I get older, IDK if they are getting worse or if I’m just getting old….but I’m starting to wonder if that’s even worth it at times.

Completely Broken

    Lately, I’ve been trying to be ‘nicer’ to stbxw for the sake of kiddo.   I mean, we do have to co-parent and all.   But things between us are just terrible.   Even though I know that the marriage is basically over.   There is no coming back at this point.  

I’ve come to the realization that we just can’t be friends.   I just don’t trust her one bit.     Her dedication to ‘secrecy’ is such that I can’t  have a simple conversation with her without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.

     We can only talk superficially.   I can’t really ask nor talk to her about her day or what’s going on in her life because I simply don’t trust her to tell me the truth about damn near anything.   I can’t question or ask for clarification because it feels like I’m interrogating her.   The vibe is just off. 

      If she says something that doesn’t ‘add up’ or either I’m just not really understanding what she means by something, I can’t ask any questions.   It’s pretty bad because I don’t have this problem with anyone else.    Our vibe is that of mistrust due to her sworn dedication to secrecy, being on bullshit, and overall obfuscation of the truth in order to protect herself.  

     It’s not a pleasant experience in and of itself.   For example, we talked last night and while we were on the phone, she was looking for a series on netflix we used to watch.   She finally found it and seemed super excited when she finally found it.    When I talked to her today and asked what she thought about it, she said, she didnt’ watch it, but ended up watching something else instead.   

      I asked ‘why’, but suddenly the vibe shifted and she seemed more defensive.   She never stated why she didn’t watch it.   Not a big deal, but of course, in my mind, it’s a really odd thing to spend half of the conversation last night talking about how she was so eager to find it, to be excited about watching it, and then later to say, she ended up watching something else.    Then when asked why she didn’t watch it, she becomes defensive…..  

    Given her history, I assume someone came over and either didn’t want to see it or did something else if u know what i mean.    Her lack of a simple answer to a pretty innocent question leads me to this conclusion.   

     The thing is…. I think that she thinks I’m stupid or something….and obviously confronting her with these facts won’t yield anyting positive.   For this reason, we can’t be friends.   It’s not about the movie.   It’s politics I guess.   Bottome line is:    I don’t like her.  I don’t want to be her friend.   And to be honest, even if she were just a female I was dealing with as a potential fwb situation, I don’t think I’d deal with her on a serious tip.    Honesty (good, bad, or ugly) is important as far as who I’d choose to give my emotional energy to.

      So that being said….I’m still too emotionally caught up and there is still too much water under the bridge.  

     I really hate how she gets to ‘live her best life’ while I’m stuck with the responsibility of kiddo.  Don’t get me wrong.   Even though, it’s a very fulfilling and demanding responsibility, I wouldn’t give it up for the world.  

      Honestly, I don’t care how she sees me though.   Her selfishness in this all turns me completely the fuck off.   I wonder if the guy(s)? she fucks with can see this seflish streak in her.    Do they see her as a someone worth committing to?   They don’t have the history that we do, yet I can’t help but wonder if they see her as naive, selfish or stupid. 

    Or maybe she isn’t as closed off to them.   Either way, I’d caution any man not to fall for her.    Smash…even tho I hate the fact they would…. but don’t give her his heart.    But every man has a choice to make.    Perhaps she is better for someone else.   For me though, hell no.    I married her, but she changed.   She wasn’t always as selfish and self centered I dont’ think.   But then again, I was so smitten at the time, I may have missed red flags.   

      We need to get divorced.   It’s disgusting to be married to a woman like this.   It’s emasculating and embarrasing.   Perhaps I need to move me and kiddo to a cheaper spot so that I don’t have to ask her for any financial assistance.  I could afford it here by myself….even with him if I could get a reliable babysitter while I worked part time as well.

      Whover purposely chooses single parenthood is a gotdamned fool tho.  This is not easy.   Yet, again, I say all that to say that my love for kiddo makes all of this struggle worth it.

      I just hate what I’ve become dealing with her.   I am burned the fuck out. Between working 10 hours a day and then trying to drive ride share on the weekend in addition to all of the household responsibilities….I don’t have much time for myself. And if I do take time, it’s like I pay for it later.

Yet, I made this mess by not properly vetting her out. So I am the one who has to dig myself out of this hole.

They say to be careful who you marry. This is so obvious. It’s not that I don’t like stbxw because she doesn’t want to be with me. It’s really more because she’s so gotdamned selfish and I’m stuck with having to deal with her. If she had remained a baby mama, then perhaps I could have structured my life in a better way. But that’s the past. I gotta deal with right now. I did what I thought was right and got smacked in the face hard for it. Shit happens I guess, but just like i tell kiddo if he gets caught while boxing….”That happened, don’t get fixated by it.”

I will win this fight.

     

Golden Handcuffs and Jaded Prisms

Lately, I’ve been having these fleeting thoughts about what if I caught covid and didn’t make it. I know the world wouldn’t change much overall. My biggest fear is leaving kiddo behind even though I know my mom and siblings would also miss me. In a way, it’s like I’m living for them. Things just seem so hopeless sometimes. Like not worth living for. I am afraid of self erasing, so I won’t do it myself.

I have no purpose. I’m barely making any money. I owe hella money in student loans and I have no idea how to pay it off. It feels like a damned weight on my neck. It seems that i always have just enough to pay the bills. No plans, not because I think they are unimportant, but I just have no Idea what I want out of life. I don’t know what I want so how am I supposed to pursue it. My personality is blah. I really can’t blame STBXW for wanting to leave. I still think it’s fucked up and hurtful that she cheated, but I don’t blame her for wanting to leave me.

Life just feels like a treadmill of running in the same place and getting nowhere fast. It’s like I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m just here.

While I am grateful in many many ways……I recognize that I live better than 98% of the population in history before me. I live better than kings and queens did before the 20th century. I live in middle class US in 2021….. clean running water, a soft bed, hot showers, 24 hour access to almost any food that I can imagine, a car to take me long distances, 24/7 internet connectivity, no wars or constant threats of violence, overt racism seems to be a thing of the past, I can afford a night or two on the town on occasion, a decent paying job, a gig job on the side where I can get paid immediately if necessary, access to healthcare and medicine, access to 10000’s of movies and more video games than i could ever play, access to damn near any book I’d want to read or have read to me in my bluetooth headphones. I can be warm in winter and cool in the summer with the press of a button. I have my health and am in the best shape of my life. My son lives with me under the same roof. Everyone that I really love has pretty good health right now. How can I really complain about anything? Relatively speaking, it seems that I am living a pretty good life.

But despite all of this, I feel like a fucking loser at times.

I do lack ambition, but again, I don’t know what I want. Nothing seems important. I’m tired of looking at redpill content because a woman is the last thing that i need to worry about. I can’t afford one even if I did trust one anyway. And what’s the point anyway, even if my fortune was to change, I’d know she was only with me for the money. And they all seem to be harping on …. find your purpose, get rich, and then you can fuck all the women you want. They try to make it seem like women aren’t important, but the purpose of finding a purpose is so you can make money, not worry about women, so that you can attract women….

I just recently learned that a woman’s love is conditional….so there is that…making it about as useful as a spoon for a pizza slice. Ironically, even less reason to give a fuck about financial ‘success’ in order to get/keep her.

Then i look at how all these other people seem to be making all this money….they own multiple investment properties, nice houses, luxury cars, can afford nice trips and international vacations, have purpose drive and ambition. Everyone seems so superficial, but it seems that this materialism and superficiality is what drives the notion of ‘black excellence’. It’s like if you aren’t trying be a boss and make boss moves, you’re useless. If you aren’t striving for MORE and ok with mediocrity, then you’re a loser. (i will say that the outcome of today’s mediocrity is definetely better than yesterday’s excellence)…. still though, I understand that I lack in this area.

Then it also seems that a lot of people happen to stumble into ‘greatness’. I don’t think that I’m any less capable nor intelligent many people who do ‘big’ things. For some reason, it seems like they were just destined to do what they were doing. They happened to be in the right place at the right time to learn that particular skill or make that investment, or take that job which required they learn this skill that helped them move up the ladder. I know people who make way more money than me that don’t appear to be any harder working or smarter than me. I also know people who make less money than me who appear to be brighter and more capable. Some people were strategic about it, but many weren’t. It really seems like a crapshoot at times.

While I don’t frown upon the success of those that I deem as ‘less capable/intelligent/hard working’ for their success. It does irk me how so many tend to look down on people who make less money. It makes people who dick ride them because of their financial success seem superficial and stupid to me. In our community, we have this notion that people with a lot money, no matter how they got it, are somehow superior in every way. Beyond reproof even. And it’s easy to fall for this delusion.

Is this what they call self loathing? Perhaps I am tempting death by imagining me not being here anymore. But I think I’m ready to go.

Being barely over broke and having a ‘less than stellar’ personality and having no purpose is not a good way to live. I’ve hit the 40 mark and still there is no good. I feel useless. Too jaded to believe in love. Too much responsibility to run away and start over. I can’t stop. It really feels like I’m running full speed on a treadmill that won’t stop. The only way off is to fall and bust my ass.

I say that one of the fastest routes to hell is to start comparing yourself to others. Perhaps I need to start taking my own advice.

Stuck In Limbo

I’m banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t know why I try to explain myself to STBXW anymore. Perhaps I’m wrong. We were discussing the future and as usual, she, on one hand says that she’s indecisive about fixing the relationship….(as if I haven’t made it clear that we cannot fix it). And on the other, she says that she doesn’t want to hurt kiddo.

I asked if she thought we could fix things this time instead of telling her that I don’t think it can be fixed. She says that she thinks we could if she wanted to. But she doesn’t want to nor feel motivated. She says that she doesn’t feel motivated about life… to do or be better in the marriage. And that this limbo state we’ve been experiencing makes her feel discouraged.

For the umpteenth time, I reminded her that her cheating, selfishness, and secrecy may have something to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and fix things. She seems to think that it’s ok to leave a marriage and family just because she’s not happy. She doesn’t seem to believe that she’s obligated to our family to at least try to work on it. She went further to actually say that if family is THAT important, then cheating shouldn’t be such a big deal.

I want to pull my ears off and shake them to make sure they’re working correctly. Man, how in the fuck did I think that marrying this chick was a good idea. I think that red pill reasoning resonates with me so much is because she is like the prototypical/stereotypical woman out here. She is one of them. Not all women are like that, or at least I hope not…..of course from here on out, I’m going to be aware of red flags. But still.

I think the reason I speak to her about things like this is because I am truly trying to gain an understanding of where she’s coming from. I don’t respect her reasoning. It’s selfish and it’s the reason why marriages fail at such a high rate. It’s one reason why there are so many single family households today. it’s the reason why men really should not marry a woman. I wish that there could be an objective third party listening in on these conversations.

I’m so perplexed at her apparent hypocrisy and lack of self awareness of it. On one hand, she’s all about family values….BUT it appears that that values are only important when she’s happy. She appeals to the fact that tons of people get divorced and have split households. Then she has the unmitigated audacity to say that I’m trying to make her feel guilty about her position. Like umm…ma’am…..you should. You broke your household for selfish reasons without trying to fix it. You betrayed your husband without letting him know you were having issues. You continued to lie and cheat throughout the relationship instead of communicating your needs.

What is the point of marriage if you can just leave it without working on it because you’re not ‘feeling it’. Then add insult to injury, choose to ignore it by having affair after affair. As if not paying attention to the relationship will somehow fix it. As if investing in a new relationship outside of your husband will somehow magically cause you to feel motivated to invest energy into your marriage. And on top of all of the lies, betrayals and exposed secrets, that somehow, I’m supposed to try to woo her or charm her back into a relationship. Those dudes who tell her that “I’m slipping” when it comes to her weren’t cheated nor betrayed by her. And even if they know the situation, they’d be a damned fool to try and win a woman back after all of that. I don’t know if she believes them when they tell her things like that, but knowing her….who knows?

I’ve been done with her. As I told her, I believe that you should do everything you can do to fix your marriage before leaving it. Obviously in cases of repeated infidelity or abuse, you should leave it asap. Otherwise, you are obligated, not just to your family, but your spouse to give an honest go at trying to fix it before doing something so drastic as to break it apart.

And this is where we fundamentally disagree. She doesn’t believe that this is nor should be the case. It’s like her ‘feelings’ override her principles and that makes her unreliable, fickle, and ultimately selfish. But perhaps it is aligned with her personal principle of self over everything else….or at least over marriage/family.

That said, I realize that it’s counterproductive to have this conversation with her. When I explain my principles to her on the matter, it would seem that I’m trying to convince her to stay. Honestly though, I’d rather her come to her own conclusions on the matter.

To me, it seems that her conclusions are toxic overall to the growth and development of a successful marriage. This isn’t unsurprising because we’re here because of her toxic/ selfish view on marriage/ vows/ and family values. It’s hard not to take it personally because as I told her, it seems that our family wasn’t even worth her trying to work on things.

It’s ironic that she thinks that she isn’t progressing in life as quickly as she can because of me. She won’t say this outright, but pretty much says that she doesn’t feel motivated to “do better” in this relationship. Her mentality is self defeating. She again asked why stay in a relationship when you know that you cannot be happy. When asked how she knew that it would always be that way, she went back and said…”well, it’s been four years and I still feel the same.” …. see where I’m going with this?

I hate talking to her alone and I don’t know why I do. Seriously, am I missing something. I mean, when asked if she sees my point whether she agrees or not, she says that she does….even going so far as to mirror it back to me. When I explain how her point of view is troublesome for a marriage or relationships in general, she simply defaults back to HER happiness as the cause and effect of her actions.

She did, however acknowledge that she is selfish and doesn’t communicate well. But somehow, she won’t go far enough to say that it’s mostly her fault that we’re here. I literally asked….”so how did we get here”…. and she said… “i don’t know, that’s a good question”….

So fuck it man. I don’t know if I’m missing it, or if she’s being intentionally obtuse, or perhaps, she’s just dumb. She isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. I’m not either, but it really does seem that she is very emotionally immature. The things she says in these conversations still blow my mind sometimes (and not in a good way) At her age of 40+, i don’t know if she’s capable of the self reflection necessary for a marriage. Not for me anyway. I rarely think people are stupid….but I can’t lie, I’m starting to look at her like people who said that Donald Trump was a good man/Christian. Like you may like him as a president or possibly a person….but to say he’s an example of a good man/christian….that’s a little too gotdamned far.

It’s my fault and I should have vetted her out better before I married her. There were many red flags that I can see now in hindsight. I thought those differences were superficial and unimportant, but now I see that they really should have been deal breakers when considering who to marry and have a child with.

From superficial conversations, to the selfishness she exhibited many times when it came to what I wanted. From her unwillingness to go out of her way to do things inconvenient for me to the way she never had any original ideas. She was physically my type, cute, and quirky. But we didn’t share many common interests…. she didn’t have any hobbies, outside of work and school….but i didn’t think this would be an issue. Until I realized that I alone have to keep her entertained. I should have seen that everytime something serious came up, she tried to make jokes out of it instead of addressing it. I should have taken her lack of empathy for certain people as a red flag. Nonetheless at the time, it didn’t seem too alarming.

I swear she wasn’t that bad when I met her, but something changed in her. I can’t put my finger on it, but she’s not the woman I married. It’s like something is off with her and I can’t quite explain it. People can change and somewhere something snapped in her. She’s not who she was or who I thought she was. In my mind, I’ve been more than fair to her. I just cannot see how she’s just ok with doing what she’s doing or being like that.

So I need to divorce and pretty much carry the whole thing on my shoulders or she’ll keep us in this limbo until someone else takes up the mantle and do it for us. I’m not going to get the cooperation I need to proceed.

She has agreed to go the uncontested route which will save us a ton in divorce fees. But unfortunately, we can’t get that process started until she figures out where she wants to establish residence. She’s a traveling nurse and is currently debating renewing her contract up there or moving back here.

I hate it here

Unringing a Bell

Spoke with stbxw this morning and she apologized for the affair even though she maintains she did it because she was ‘unhappy’. She did say that there were no excuses however that no excuses was followed by a … but….

Either way, she says that she still feels the same way. She doesn’t want to be married even though she claims she isn’t seeing anyone. That’s fair. I don’t really care. I can’t take her back anyway. We are both in a state of where we don’t feel motivated to work on the marriage.

She says that I need to change. ‘Read’ get a better paying job or try to make more money. ‘Ambition’ is what she calls it. I’m assuming that this is the reason she doesn’t want to work on the marraige. She ended up saying that if I wanted to work on things “You’d think you’d be more motivated to make those changes, if not for me, but for yourself.” In a way, maybe it is a good thing that I’m not super rich or financially wealthy right now. She’d only be with me for the money and I’d never know it unless I befell hard times.

I had to remind her that I do work full time (10 hour days no less), drive ride share part time, and am working on a small business while taking care of kiddo (basically by myself) and having to deal with all this b.s. from an emotional pov. Either way, her assumptions are completely off bases.

IF i were to suddenly be “ambitious” (got a windfall of money or had a change in financial fortune), what makes her think that I’d be interested in fixing anything with her? I gave the analogy like…..what if she got fat and I never asked her to lose weight even though it was a problem for me. Then instead of telling her how I felt, I cheated, made fun of her with the new chick, and treated her like shit. Then say she lost the weight and started looking good and suddenly, I wanted to reconcile. Would she take me back after all of that.

Her response: “If i loved you enough, I would.”

So that said, it’s obvious we’re two different people. For me, it’s a matter of self respect. If you’re not with me when I’m not at my best (didn’t say at my worst), then you certainly don’t deserve me when I am. Maybe trust and loyalty doesn’t really mean that much to her. It’s almost everything to me.

She says she isn’t motivated to work on the marriage…. Well,I damn sure am not trying to rebuild a damned thing with her unless she put in a LOT of effort and even then that would just be a starting point for me to even consider it.

It’s pretty much over and I’m over it. Loyalty is important to me, transactional love (fuck what they tell you) isn’t what I want out of a marriage. I’m too loyal and love from a genuine place than to give that to someone who bases their loyalty and friendship on such superficial conditions. IF she did prove loyal, then I’d move heaven and earth to make things work for us. But I’m not sacrificing my happiness for someone who isn’t ride or die for me. I’d never allow myself to sacrifice so much for a person like that to benefit.

She can like, wish for, desire, or want whatever she wants out of life. I’m not mad at her for that. My thing is that she actively chooses to abandon/destroy our family in pursuit of those things. As if she was powerless to at least try. As if our family wasn’t worth a little bit of effort.

And she can dress this up as much as she likes and deny all she wants, but IRL, new dick and attention is at the center of all of this. She’ll never admit it, but the reason I say this is because she could given it 6 months of us just trying to see if things would work. She could have stopped dealing with dudes, sat down with me, and talked about how we could at least try to fix things. Her pursuit of traveling, a new job, getting a home, or whatever, could have all been done without any intimacy from any guys.

IMHO, she is pretty much saying that as of now….I’m not good enough for her to even consider keeping our family together. I use family a lot because it means a lot to me. But as much as it means to me, I’m not willing to give up my dignity nor self respect for it. I will say that she is becoming a bit more honest in her communication, so that’s a good thing. She is also a bit more self reflective it seems. But she’s still selfish as all get out imho. She’s an opportunist.

She actually had the nerve to insinuate that “we don’t have sex, we don’t talk, we don’t see eye to eye and it’s been that way for the last 4 years or so….” as if this all happened in a vaccuum. As if her actions haven’t greatly played a role in how our relationship (as in the way we relate to each other) in this. AS if her constant cheating, emotional or physical, lack of remorse, and dedication to secrecy after a huge affair and subsequent cheating has nothing to do with me not being exactly motivated to try and reconcile / fix things between us.

Who the fuck does she think she is anyway? Cleopatra, Queen Alexandria, Zoe Saldana? Then she wants to blame me for lack of sex, when the last 10 times I tried (since before I stopped trying) she turned me down. UGH.

Have sex with her? I couldn’t even look at her when she was here. I’ve just started being able to make eye contact with her again. Maybe she doesn’t realize how disgusting it is to imagine (for me anyway) having sex with her after she’s been doing god know what to god knows who. PLus I know she did it while we were married.

Even if I decided to give in on her next visit. To say that condoms are a must is an understatement. Besides, it really isn’t all that great anymore anyway. The last time i did, it felt like … not good…. at all. There was 0 connection. I’ve felt more intimacy from a prostitute (hey I was young). Not saying she was always bad and she’s probably better with others, but for me, it’s just not good and not worth it.

I know I’m not perfect, but gotdamned. This chick is bozo. Is her head dead? Can she find her mind? Is her brain drained?

So this phone conversation was much needed. Lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me. I’ve been taking being cordial with a small chance we could work on things. Dunno why tho. I guess I”m like that addict who quit smoking crack, but started back walking around the trap house and remembering the old days. I need to stop talking to her and get back to focusing on my future. Without her.

Unfaithful

     I am convinced that most women are not faithful and that falling in love with one is a trap that has sent many men into mental and psychological prison.

      Ive heard and uncovered way too many stories online about the phenomenon of cheating women.   It’s at the point where it’s unsurprising when i hear of stories about women cheating.

      The thing is that is seems that most are either ignorant or uncaring of how deeply this injures a man/husband.  

       It’s so tempting to fall and they can make is so easy….but these days, as men, we must protect our hearts at all costs.    

While being emotionally unavailable seems to be effective in maintaining attraction to a woman…despite their protests…..it is essential if a guy wants to maintain his sanity.

      I’m generally happy for the married men that i know with good(or so it seems) marriages.     They absolutely love and adore their wives.  Yet in a way,  i pity them.   I know that the pain they could potentially get from these relationships should their wives decide to “go rogue” is almost unbearable.

         It’s a precarious position to be in when someone has that much power over you.  we often dont even realize it until it’s too late.   I never thought in a million years that the pain i experienced from my stbxw’s affairs would be that bad.

         Although it’s been four years and I’ve been able to get through it for the most part….i fear that it has affected my ability to love anyone else from such a pure state.   I think I have been damaged in a way that prevents me from wanting to experience that level of deep intimacy with anyone.  

     I fear falling in love like that again.   Im unsure if i can trust anyone like that.    It doesn’t matter what a woman tells me, or how well things go….it’s like a part of me just cannot let go of the idea that she could do what stbxw did to me.

       As an imperfect being,  i know that it would in part be my fault.    So there is a sort of bitterness and jadedness that i feel whenever it would seem that I might be falling for someone. Maybe it’s just me, but if I love someone, I love them….part of love is accepting their flaws while working together. You just dont abandon or hurt them. If you must leave, then it should be handled with as much grace and respect as possible. Commitment requires that you look after their heart if u convinced them to give it to you. Part of that commitment may require a bit of self sacrifice. In essence loyalty. And loyalty isn’t always easy. It’s easy to love someone especially during the honeymoonphase of a relationship…but loyalty is when you choose to love someone in the face of temptation or during hard times.

         I wish I had the personality of a player so that i could easily have/get women. I’d love the ability to make them laugh themselves into the honeymoon phase with me.    Not that im a womanizer, i truly want monogamy…..but only to protect myself from falling so deep.

     It’s been said that the reason why previously permiscuos women aren’t good choices for long term significant others is that they lose their ability to “pair bond” long term.

        Ironically, i find myself in that position right now.   I am double minded in that I truly want to find my “one”, but yet, i fear it so much.    As the scriptures accurately explains it….”a double minded man is unstable in all of his ways.”  

    I don’t hate the stbxw as a person.   She did what she felt like she needed to do….but i do hate this effect on me.   I know that im responsible for my life, but yet i don’t know how to get myself out of this current mindset

       It seems so unfair that she gets to mess me up so bad mentally,  destroy our family unit, and walk away either ignorant or apathetic to the pain and trauma she caused.   

We don’t have to get back together. I see no way back nor do i believe she can truly understand the damage she did…..but i wish that she could somehow someday truly understand it.

I fear that life doesn’t work like that though.

This is why i think that the best action is prevention. You can’t be out here loving these women like that. Im not suggesting to be evil, do them dirty, or take it out on them. But i do believe that the risk of falling that hard for someone is not in a man’s best self interests. It’s just too risky.

Perhaps i just don’t have the personality to have love like that. Maybe it’s not in the cards for me in this lifetime. Im still fairly young, so there is still plenty of fun to be had.

But i dont know if i could every truly forgive stbxw for stealing that innocence away from me.

The promised land?

I think I’ve finally gotten over it. Over the last week or so, I haven’t been feeling that annoying anxiety when I think about her. I haven’t seen her in weeks and even though we have talked a few times, here and there on the phone. I don’t feel pain anymore. The bouts’ of anger have majorly subsided. I no longer feel sadness for losing my family. And finally, I kind of feel excited about the future even though I don’t know where I’m going just yet.

It took a LOOONG time to get that poison out of my system. But I’m ready to move on and ahead without her. As I type this, I realize that there could be residual pangs, let’s say if I see her with another guy or find evidence she’s seeing someone. Actually, I may have seen something in her google photos backup….. But tbh, i don’t care.

I realize that there are actually a ton of women like her out there like that. The redpill information along with all the r/ infidelity posts helped me realize that I am not alone. Kevin Samuel’s and other redpill content creators helped me realize that there are many many many women with deep seated mental and emotional issues. Perhaps it was my fault for placing her so high on a pedestal. But now that she’s no longer there, I can see that she’s not anything special. She’s the epitome of the typical woman that so many men complain about.

I chose bad. I fell in love and threw caution to the wind. I payed for it. But I see now that marriage ain’t worth it, especially to a typical woman like that. Idk if all women are like that, but I definitely know at least 1 who is for sure.

I know that I knew all of these things, but something feels different right now. I think that I finally fell out of love with her. I got my heart back.

I Wasn’t even thinking about it….wow!!! Darn. Relief. It’s like nursing an ankle injury and then no longer feeling the pain. But you’re a little nervous to step down too hard. But right now it feels OK. Like You u know u don’t have to limp anymore.

I haven’t felt this way since b4 she dropped the nuke on me. I feel good man. I feel good.

Hi I’m an alcoholic

They say that love is pain. I disagree. But love is a curious thing in that sometimes you cannot really know how much you loved until you’ve experienced the pain of losing it. Or rather should I say, losing the object of your affection. I can say that as painful as this thing has been with the STBXW, the reason I know that I loved her so much was because the pain of losing her was so bad.

It was a huge risk and I didn’t realize how vulnerable I was. I say it all the time, love is contact sport. It’s like playing football with no protective equipment. It’s all fun and games until you get hit hard. Concussed. Even worse so when you’re playing unprotected against a fully geared up person.

The analogy being that she hit me in the head while she was the only one wearing a helmet. I think it was intentional, but she swears it was an “accident”. Hence, the whole, I know what I did, but I didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you thing. Still no excuses, because even if I were wearing a helmet, she intentionally hit me in the head. I mean even in football, there are still rules against unnecessary roughness. Like boxing and all combat sports, the number 1 rule is to ‘protect yourself at all times.’ I failed to do that and ended up paying severely for it.

Lately, my lover and I seem to be getting more into a space of comfort with each other beyond the intense honeymoon phase lust. I never really entertained the thoughts of being anything more than FWB with her, but lately I’ve been feeling like … IDK, I really need to either shit or get off the pot so to speak.

Truth be told, I’m deathly afraid of committing to her. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be her “man”. I want her to see me as someone she’s proud of. Yet, I know that if I do commit to being the best man for her….committing to making her happy, I’d be making the same mistake as with my wife.

It’s tempting to beleive that she really just wants someone to be dedicated to her and be there for her. Treat her right while maintaining my masculinity. To just take over and be the man. To lead her. That does require a lot of trust and respect. I don’t think that women understand how much we risk and the responsibility and pressure we have to take on when deciding to dedicate ourselves to them for real.

I don’t think that I have what it takes to be her “man.” Not in the sense of I’m not worthy or I’m not smart enough. I just have problems with actually giving enough fucks. I’m too easy going and happy go lucky to argue with people and I have too much pride to try to talk a woman into staying with me if she decides she wants to leave. I’m not great at chasing women. And the worst part it that apparently, if i choose to give someone my heart, I have a big issue in getting it back.

Shit, i gotta admit that for some strange reason….beyond me. If him honest, I still love my ex wife. I won’t do shit if i gotta go out of the way for her. I would never take her back. I don’t respect her. I don’t see any redeeming qualities in her anymore. Not enough to feel the way that I do about her. But it still vexes, grieves, and hurts me when I think about her. Perhaps it’s true that the ‘heart wants what it wants.’ Fortunately for me, I’m not led by my so called heart. I have to control it otherwise, it would destroy me.

I think of her as a weakness of sorts. Like I’m a recovering alcoholic. I can’t touch the stuff. I hit rock bottom with that and I’ll be literally damned if I allow temptation to drag me down that road again. I wish I could shut it off, and perhaps one day, I’ll wake up and it will be gone. But as of now, she serves as an annoyingly constant reminder that you just can’t give your heart out like that. I truly wish I never fell in love like that with her and it’s probably one of my biggest regrets to date.

I would take a chance with another woman before going back to her. I’d rather be by myself. Yet as of right now, I’m facing the consequences of my poor choices and I have to deal with it. Rather than lying to myself, I gotta be real. It’s so hard to just be apathetic because I did love her so much. And I’ve learned that once you smoke that first hit of crack, allow yourself to be given over to someone so much…. it’s a bitch to get over it.

I think I could understand a woman who has gone through that. If she told me she really loved someone and he was like a weakness of sorts….in the past, I would have seen it as a red flag. I actually still would, but not necessarily a deal breaker for now IF she were able to articulate that to me.

Boxing with kiddie gloves

      I beleive that my lover is just with me because she hasn’t found a man yet.   I know that my time is limited and has known that for a while.   Shit, I’m surprised we’re still hanging in there.   Yet strangely, the longer we deal with each other, the more attached I get to her.  It’s to the point where I’m beginning to fear losing her.   Scary thought indeed.

         I’ve always loved her.  But from an appreciation pov.   I always knew that our time is limited.   Though I do appreciate her.  The intimacy, the ‘loyalty’, and honesty.  But honestly, I always beleived that I’m cool from a friends with benefits aspect.   Relationship wise though, I don’t see how we could make it.   We’re cool as long as we can keep controversial conversations light.   To be honest, I don’t agree with her on a LOT of issues.   So in a way, she’s right when not wanting to discuss ‘deeper’ issues.   Yet, I’m trying to gain understanding and it seems that she takes disagreements to heart.  In typical black woman fashion.

       Perhaps I’m spoiled by younger sisters.   They seem to be able have a legit debate without taking disagreements personally.   Am I just an asshole?  Like why do most women tend to take disagreements so personally.   I swear it’s like they want dudes (me anyway) to be a “yes” man. 

    Fuck that tho.  I’m going to talk my shit.  Even if it risks fallout.  Perhaps these types of debates are a way of better vetting out who’s good for me or not.  

      It’s not about me being right or wrong.  If I’m honest,  I lose debates with my younger sisters more frequently than I’d like.  For me tho.  Yeah,  I try to win, but it’s not personal if I lose.

   And with them, even when I win, there seems to be no love lost. 

   Or if we come to a stalemate it’s….I respectfully disagree. To be fair though, we’ve been doing this our whole lives pretty much. We know that no matter how much we disagree on a particular issue… we got each other…its a sparring match, not a death battle

    Not with my lover or most other black woman I engage with though.  It’s like keep it ‘fun’, agree with me, or fuck you.

     It’s like they take shit so personally…as if any disagreement is an attack on EVERY THING they stand for.   Their whole soul be hurt.   

     We could be having a great evening,  but God forbid we stumble upon and I disagree on a topic they have an opinion about.   Suddenly,  I’m their worst enemy…unless I shut the fuck up and let them just have it.   

      Now I feel like an asshole for having a different opinion.   Even if I back it with facts.    it’s  like, how are you supposedly so ‘confident’ yet once controversy happens, you shut the fuck down and get so got damned emotional.

      What the fuck is wrong with them?  Or is it just me?  Maybe I’m just an insensitive asshole…yet they have no problems with telling me what’s wrong with my opinion.

        Shit….I truly listen.   I usually get it and even if I disagree,  I can acknowledge the ‘truthiness’ in their rebuttal. 

    I know it sounds arrogant,  but I swear, most of these chick’s are not really THAT intelligent.    Not in a common sense, idealistic sense.   nah, they just get way too emotional. I find it disrespectful bcuz the scorched earth response usually doesn’t warrant the issue of dispute

   Apparently bitches don’t like nuances or real conversations.   It’s like they are too attached to their ideas.  And half of these ideas aren’t well thought out….or oversimplifications of complex issues.

        I’m starting to lose a lot of respect intellectually for many of them.    Sure, they can do their JOBS, but apparently education and salary are not indicators of intelligence.  

       It’s OK, and they don’t have to agree.   I disagree with my male friends a lot….but it doesn’t devolve to … shut the fuck up I don’t want to talk about it…. condescending…. this conversation is beneath me

But the occasional male that does, I mentally consider them a “bitch ass nigga”….not for having a dissenting POV…but based on how they get so emotional and fuck logic and reasoning as they shut the conversation down with ad hominems, threats, and claims of how much money they have  or their street reputation.

      I’m not intimidated usually as I can take an ass whooping but it ain’t gonna be easy gangsta. Respect but u bitch for that type vibe

Either way. Fuck that happy wife happy life shit. Bitch u want equality….u can get this work too…it’s never personal

perhaps this ‘not taking it personal ‘ is one good thing about being a ‘nice guy’ tho it is frustrating as fuck