Betrayal (Love isn’t worth it)

Being cheated on by my wife was hands down THE most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. It scarred and changed my life in ways I never knew was possible. I never knew that it could hurt so badly. I had been cheated on in the past by ex girlfriends (and I cut them off immediately), but this here was at least 100x harder. Looking back, I cared for them, but I didn’t love them like that.

If it hasn’t happened to you, just imagine how you think it would feel and multiply it by 1000. The pain is unreal. The suffering is definitely something that scarred my soul. The sad thing is that she will probably never KNOW how bad the affair and subsequent betrayal hurt me.

It’s one thing to imagine something, but something else to actually experience that type of agony for months and months. I even contemplated suicide….not out of wanting her back, but out of wanting the pain to stop.

I never want to experience that type of pain again and am tempted to curse the thing called “love” which was a precursor to all of this. The lows were much lower than the highs for sure. The only good thing about loving someone that much is so that you can say with certainty that “love” isn’t worth it. It just hurts too damn bad if it doesn’t work.

I’m still not out of the woods yet. Even though we haven’t divorced, I still love her on a certain level. I don’t want to. Time and space should fix that. Logistics and our son keep me in place. I’ve detached a lot, but since we live together, I feel like a ‘clean’ crack head living in a crack house. I find myself wanting to relapse and trust again even though I fear to do so.

As of now, I cannot trust her. I’m pretty sure her affair is over, but then again, I thought that the last time so I can’t say for sure anymore. Plus there is always the possibility that she could restart it at any moment even though she claims she’s done with him….for real this time (SMH)

Our son loves us so much and it truly breaks my heart to have to tell him that we might divorce.

I now realize that marriage must be voluntary. Even though I think we both had some value for our family unit, it pains me to believe that she values it so little. I know that she loves our son and has love for me, but she’s not ‘attracted’ to me.

I didn’t think I was a pushover, but suppose i’d fall into the “NICE GUY” category. Who knew that being chill, respectful, and treating others the way you’d like to be treated was unattractive? Who knew that truly not giving many fucks and not sweating the bullshit was considered passive? Who knew that being in touch with and being able to articulate your feelings was a “bitch” trait? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t tolerate disrespect, but for the most part, no one ever disrespects me because of how I carry myself.

Now, with my self esteem at an all time low, it’s hard to put on the confidence that would attract her back. IN addition, is she even worth it? She could have fallen out love with me, but to lose respect for someone you fell out of love with and to treat them shitty is fucked up. Even if I get it all back together, make the changes necessary to “attract” her again, I’m still stuck with the burning question of trust. On a scale of 1 to 10 this affair could have only been worse if it was with a friend or close family member. The things he led her to do to me has caused me to lose a LOT of respect for her.

He instructed her on how to betray me during our false reconciliation and she did so while having him listening on speakerphone. She acted like everything was cool and she was sorry. I let my guard down as I shared with her the amount of pain I was going through while he secretly listened in (who does that?). He told her to tease me sexually, but not actually have sex with me while he masturbated on the other end listening in. She actually fucking did it!!! They actually laughed about this.

This fucking loser has 5 kids by 3 baby mothers and she knows this. I’ve seen texts to him where she was complaining about feeling like he was using her for sex….gave disgusting examples, yet in spite of all that, she chose to betray me in the wickedest ways possible.

She was willing to take my son and move him all the way across to country to be with this sociopathic asshole despite me always being there for him and good to her.

And for some stupid fucking reason, I still have some love for her. That’s love folks. I hate it. I hate myself for still loving her. I hate that deep down somewhere I want my marriage to survive this.

I’m a patient man. I don’t hold grudges, but she basically used my trust and love to trample on my self respect. The choice now seem to either regain my self respect and leave or stay for the family’s sake. Option A hurts my son in bad way. Option B isn’t working too well because she’s still on the fence about things, plus I don’t trust her not to cheat again. This has caused an unbelievable strain on our comatose relationship. I question her motives. She says she’s here to work on things, but she’s still secretive about certain things. Sex hasn’t come back, even though we were getting better, it’s now back to how it was before all this went down…..mostly getting rejected whenever I try to initiate.

What in the actual fuck is wrong with me? After this, she cannot respect me. The truth is, I don’t respect her either. Honestly, I don’t respect myself for being a bitch like this. Do I really even love her anymore? Why am I putting in any work to try and change for her? Keeping my family should not come at the cost of the loss of self respect. I’m not perfect, but I cannot tolerate this from her.

Looking back over what I just wrote made me realize that I am more pathetic than I thought. I’m not a martyr. I’m no saint. I’m just a man. If our son hurts over this, it’s on her. Sucks because I love that little guy more than anything in world. She doesn’t even seem to be ashamed of her actions and continue to be warm and cold. Sure, she apologized, but still doesn’t go out of her way to show how sorry she is. Everything is still about her.

Why am I praying for us….our family…her…..our marriage? I’m not innocent, I cheated back while she was out there….but I didn’t betray her as nearly bad as she did me. I could have forgiven her for cheating and not needed to cheat….but even after I found out she wouldn’t stop. I didn’t threaten to make her lose custody. I didn’t let some weird sicko listen in because it got her off. I cheated because I was in so much pain and I wanted to forget about her. I realized me cheating back could have never hurt her the way she hurt me. It wasn’t out of revenge. I was losing my freaking mind. But I was hurting so bad and was willing to try anything to make it stop. I needed validation and self esteem back. It wasn’t right, but I won’t apologize for my actions. I repented to God and asked for forgiveness. I confessed to her, and she “understood” why I did it.

She chose to listen to a nigga like that? She chose loyalty to and to betray me to a person like that? He had no respect for her boundaries and she still thinks he respected her. Is she fucking stupid? Then she has the nerve to say that she thinks she’s a “good” person?

In many ways, I reflect all of that. Why would I want to have sex with someone who is capable of doing such vile things, let alone stay married to her? If she were truly sorry, she’d be putting in 90% of the work. She puts in 10 on a good day. Obviously she doesn’t want to stay married though. She is just in limbo and financially can’t leave right now either.

I’m cool with leaving. We can be done. I have detached a lot through all of this and continue to do so each day. I don’t understand how I haven’t checked out completely yet though. I haven’t done anything nearly on this magnitude and she gets the luxury of checking out emotionally…. WTH is wrong with me?

I’ve learned to never give your heart to anyone. You just never know. She had all of my family and friends fooled. No one ever saw this coming. The ones who knows she had an affair were surprised. Most are understanding of why I’d want to forgive and save our family. If they knew the details, I’m sure they wouldn’t be as supportive.

Dunno, I don’t think love is worth it. You never know how a person will turn out regardless of how they seem in the beginning. It just hurts too damn much and the rewards aren’t worth the risk.