Thoughts of Celibacy

I jumped the gun accidentally got romantically involved with someone on this downside of my marriage. I mean it seems to be really over with the wife. Even though we live together, she’s pretty much adamant about dating others and doing whatever the hell it is she wants. I am protesting tooth and nail because even though I do what i do on the side, it’s really out of pride and lack of intimacy.

The person I got involved with was more or a less a fwb benefits situation that lasted entirely too long. I think she’s finally had enough. Of course after seeing someone for so long, having great sex, and spending fun times on the weekend for that long tends to bond you with someone. I’m sort of sad about it, but I don’t take it personally as really, she does need to move on. I really do love her and I want the best for her. I’m not ready for a relationship, another marriage and family, but she is. I’ve had another long term situationship where we had love for each other, but amicably split up because we knew we weren’t right for each other. Those are bittersweet. You walk away a bit melancholy, but still with love for them. If it’s over indeed, I wish her the best.

Meanwhile, I should really be focusing on bettering myself. I do work out consistently and play video games outside of working a fulltime job and a part time. In those ways, I am mostly fulfilled. I’m a simple man, dunno want to say. I’m by no means wealthy, but I can take care of myself and afford a lifestyle that basically allows me to do mostly what I want. I don’t have a fetish for fancy cars, vacations, and big houses.

Not saying I wouldn’t take those things or have anything against them, but it’s just not something that I would work my ass off to get if it compromises my happiness. I’m not “ambitious” because I’m content. But wouldn’t contentment mean that I’m basically happy with my life? I mostly do what I like to do and can generally afford it because they don’t require much money. On a side note, women love ambition, and hate contentment from my understanding….unless you’re wealthy. Perhaps it has something to do with security.

The part time job thing kind of took a steep nosedive as I spent so much free time with her. But i can pick back up on that.

I havent’ really been single for a while. The soon to be ex wife is slated to get a travel position at any day now. The sooner she leaves the better even though it is somewhat helpful to have her around to help pick up the slack with kiddo. Dunno man, as bad as it hurts to have her there, it’s hard to raise a kid on your own.

Perhaps celibacy can help with this once she leaves. I don’t really have the time, availability, visibility, nor if I’m honest, game to just go out and pick up random chicks. This applies to dating as well. This also applies to maintaining a relationship with someone. I need to have casual sex with someone who isn’t looking for a relationship (right now), but who also isn’t married, but who also isn’t sleeping around with anyone else, and she isn’t fat or ugly (average would do) would be like finding a needle in a haystack. My lover fit that criteria perfectly (outside of the not looking for a relationship part). I got lucky with that one. It does make me wonder if I should get back out there and try again. I suspect there are a lot of women out there like that. The problem is finding them. But also, how to get to that point again?

I may be an incel. I am considering celibacy for a lot of great reasons, but given where I am currently in life, I really can’t afford the time to properly date anyone.

Having intimacy with someone also comes with the baggage of spending time and resources on them. I really should be trying to get my money right. I’ve wasted a lot of time in relationships/situationships and honestly, I’ve made the most strides and gains in my career when I was single.

It’s tough being in a failed marriage. I can’t talk to my wife anymore. She isn’t helping me as her constant cheating / emotional/ physical affairs take a huge toll on my self esteem and mental health. I don’t like who I am when around her. I get triggered and start “lecturing” her about her doing this shit when i see a text from him come in. Other times, it’s awkward silence because I’m not really feeling the vibe. Our connection has been broken and I don’t have it in me to try to fix it as long as she’s constantly cheating. I don’t chase women like that anyway. I generally deal with women who like me without me having to convince them too much, but I’m not about to start with her.

It’s demoralizing to think that I’m literally begging her to respect me. I get tired of lecturing her on the morality issue (yeah, I’m a hypocrite). I just get away with my shit. On the other hand, it’s sort of an involuntarily open relationship so why shouldn’t i have taken advantage…..just saying.

She mostly agrees with me about how fucked up she’s treating me, but still continues anyway. Talk about a slap in the face when it comes to self respect. I feel stuck though. How can I kick her out without exposing things to my son. She won’t leave nor under law is obligated to. I can’t afford to move out. Can’t afford a divorce attorney and we both want to find a way to have an amicable split. It’s like I know she doesn’t love me, but why doesn’t it have to come at the expense of emasculating me. I don’t want to create a toxic environment for kiddo. Maybe I’m just being a pussy because she is in a way forcing my hand.

Maybe he should know this is why Mommy cannot live here anymore. And that he should never deal with this shit. I digress.

Another contention between me and my lover is the fact that I do seem to pacify my soon to be ex wife way too much. Most specifically when I “can’t” spend the night or weekend with her. Understandable. I can’t use the excuse of trying to keep the home from being too toxic. I don’t want my son questioning why I didn’t come home and having to lie to him. And that’s the truth. But again, that isn’t her problem. Perhaps this is another reason why I didn’t get too involved emotionally with her. She is a pretty decent girl, but too many red flags for me if I’m honest, even though I’m not exactly a perfect catch right now either.

I’ve never tried intentional celibacy. I’ve had droughts of a few months here and there in my adult life, but I’ve always generally had a woman in my life. Perhaps I should stop looking and just focus on getting all the other aspects of my life together. There are things more important than sex and intimacy, plus I could stand to go without it for a season or two. I’m not too old to start over, but I should begin with solid foundation. In fact women and video games should both be temporarily placed on the sacrifice table for the next few months to a year. The focus is on finances, spirituality, and continuing with my fitness (working out and martial arts).

This means to STOP looking or taking applications. This means to look, but not lust or wonder if I could/would fuck her. Basically I need to make women be invisible to me as far as sexual possibilities go. I need to go back to my childhood where I wasn’t even concerned about them.

Instead of single and ready to mingle. I’m single and working on myself.

Becoming Colder

So my lover has been acting colder recently and we’ve had the talk about not seeing each other anymore starting in the beginning of the year. We’ve ‘broken’ up a few times over the years and the whole time I knew that sooner or later, we’d have to end this. I’m really surprised we made it this far. But as the saying goes “she’s never yours, it’s just your turn.” Even though I do believe this is best….probably for both of us. I still can’t help but feel twinges of sadness or something whenever I think about her.

She doesn’t return my calls nor initiate texts. And if she does respond, they are short and straight to the point. I’m not worried nor panicking, as these are usually either signs that she’s in her feelings about something, she’s busy at work, or is trying to emotionally distance herself. Maybe someone else is in the picture.

Either way, I’m not worried or tripping on it. Again, I know that I’m not the right guy for her nor is she the right woman for me. Perhaps the emotional toll is greater than the sex at this point. Logically, I know that even if this is the end, it’s probably for the best. We had some good times, but life is transitory and TBH, i wasn’t really in love with her like that even though I did and still do have a lot of love for her.

The best thing to do is to stay cool, not panic, and let her either come back around, or move on with her life. I already called twice and she didn’t call me back. I texted regular good morning only to be met with “gm”. So it appears that she’s distancing herself. Basically just do nothing….even though at times, I wonder if she wants me to chase or pursue to show that I care. Or it could be that she’s telling me that she wants space. Women man!!! Who knows?

Writing this proves that she’s on my mind. And oddly, I don’t know why she is taking up so much mental real estate in my head. Maybe I’m just subconsciously trying to figure it all out and those thoughts occasionally bubble up into my conscious through emotions or feelings. Emotionally, I’m not that invested and I can’t take it personally, she wants a husband and a family or at the very least a boyfriend. Nothing doing. Maybe a baby daddy, but of course that’s not gonna fly with the image she has for herself. If i were extremely wealthy at the time, perhaps. But damn, I kind of miss her.

How Times Have Changed

In most of modern history, men were expected to be the breadwinners and financial providers for the family. More recently though, I’d say within the last 30 years or so, women’s rights have afforded many women the opportunity to afford be financial providers for themselves and their families. Though the e

There seems to be sort of disconnect between the role of men and women working in the home. In my family, (and I believe the african American community as a whole) both husband and wife both worked. I can’t speak for other people, but my grandparents and parents both worked jobs to provide income for the family. A stay at home wife was not something most families could afford. In fact, my mother was more educated than my father, and made more money than him….even though he did always work or was never out of a work for too long.

So growing up, seeing this, I thought it was normal. I never thought or made much mind of who actually made the most money. The household duties were pretty much split as far as i can tell and both parents worked and did their best with the money they brought in. I was never privy to any information about financial difficulties arising because one felt like the other wasn’t providing their financial weight so to speak.

It was a rude awakening when I grew up to realize that my family may not have been the norm when it comes to this, but perhaps an exception to the rule. Then again, my mom is a bit different from a lot of women as well. She’s not really all that materialistic. She never owned, nor expressed a desire to own things like designer clothes, fancy bags, luxury cars, or the largest house on the hill. She never seemed interested in “building an empire” or taking fancy trips and vacations overseas.

As far as I can tell, her biggest issue with pop was his constant infidelity. So I’m thinking when I grow up, I’m gonna be able to rock the hell out of this being a husband thing. Just work, provide what I can financially, help with the household duties and kids, don’t cheat, and most importantly, love and support my wife.

Shit….i took it even further and chose to keep fit in the gym.

As the infamous Mike Tyson says, “we all have a plan, until we get hit the mouth.” And damn, life clipped me pretty good on that one. Here are 10 things that I missed.

1)Modern women have too many got damn options. Between thirsty simps willing to say and do anything to get in bed with her and social media providing the platform to make this happen. It will almost be impossible to keep men away from your woman (especially if she’s somewhat attractive). Old crushes, flames, high school sweethearts, college situationships, workplace crushes all give women too many options. There is a saying that says that most people are only as faithful as their options. It’s only a matter of time before she exercises one of those options to a persistent beta or narcissistic alpha.

2)Divorce is no longer a stigma in society. In fact, in some cases, it seems to be a bit of a rite of passage. Certain feminist mindsets have given women a sense of entitlement to where they can really do no wrong. That they deserve the best of the best. And anything less is settling. Their personal happiness is of the upmost importance and every women is a princess who deserves it no matter what it takes to have it. Even if that means leaving the family to “find herself”. Or running off with her “true soulmate”. She is always encouraged to “live her truth” regardless of what it takes to get it. They equate being miserable with not being optimally happy. If they have to cheat to get it, then guess what, they will and not lose any sleep over it…..especially since she probably thinks she’s settling for you anyway. To top it off, society doesn’t really hold them accountable if they engage in toxic behavior.

3)Because they make their own money, then they feel that the man should make more. This even goes for women with 6 figure incomes. Ironically, they never have a problem if men make more. In fact this is ideal for them. I’m thinking that some gender roles are human constructs and not necessarily always based on biological factors. This is one of them.

In ancient times, it made sense for men to go out and hunt animals as we are naturally bigger, stronger, and faster. In not so ancient times, we lived a patriarchal society where women did not have many rights, nor the ability to acquire or keep resources.

In more recent times however, many women are in a position to provide more financially, but feel they cannot submit to a man who makes less money than them. They would leave an otherwise decent man over this as they feel that they cannot respect him. They equate net worth to self worth….as many humans do. It be like that.

4)Women feel the need to go through a “hoe phase”. In the past, it was said that men needed to go out and “sow their royal oats.” Dunno how I feel about that. Maybe some do, maybe some don’t. But I don’t really like hoes. I mean outside of sex. If i find out she was a hoe in a previous life, it sort of kills it for me. I generally equate hoes to cheaters and once a cheater always a cheater maybe. And who in the hell wants to be known as the guy who married the chick who got a train ran on her by the varsity baseball team. It’s like the more sex she’s had the less you want to wife her or something.

Sex for men, or for me anyway is an effort based thing. Pussy pretty much feels the same. Great. I pretty much judge the sex by how much she’s also into it. Unless she’s a total starfish, has a huge canyon down there, refuses to take it if it is a bit big for her, has bad hygiene, can’t kiss at all, or refuses to go down, then she’s good enough. Say out of 50 women, I’d say only 10 are bad sexually. But that said, good pussy is quite common and so not really that special.

On the other hand, say she goes through a hoe phase and gets that 10inch monster or the guy who fucks her better than you ever did. She’s likely to go back to him (if not just for sex) while with you on the low. Just saying, the more sex she’s had, the more likely she has a favorite and the less likely it’s you, unless you’re the 10’er. How can you expect to keep her sexually satisfied forever if you were never her favorite to begin with. They all tell you that you’re the biggest and or best ever. But they probably tell all guys that unless he’s unusually terrible. I used to fall for it, but even though I’d rather hear it than not, I usually don’t believe them.

5)Women don’t like nice guys. Understandable. But I’m pretty sure they don’t like good guys either. At least they don’t until they get older. But by then, many guys have been burned bad by falling in love. Being a good/nice guy is considered being a simp. All the the things as far a courting goes has a weird effect of making them like you more, but becoming less attracted to you. You can balance this out by being a “bad guy” who’s nice sometimes. But you genuinely have to be mostly selfish though. You must naturally have dark triad characterisitics like narcicism, a little psycopathy, and a hint of machiavelianism, and it has to be ingrained in you. You have to be a “bad ass” in order to gain attraction. Women i’ve talked to said that those guys make them feel more secure. It works for some guys as they are naturally like that, but I don’t think that women realize that “good guys” don’t really fear “bad guys.” I’ve never feared a man because i thought he was a “thug” or “gangster”. Go figure? It would seem that those types come with the opportuinity for things to go south. I just don’t deal with them and tbh, at least where I’m from, guys don’t fuck with you unless you’re a pushover. There is a certain level of respect that you show and most cases you’re good. No need for posturing or being the top dog in the room. I know I can hold my own with the best of them so why invite the bullshit if unnecessary.

6) The less you like her, the more she likes you. This sort of goes into point 5. You can’t really show her a lot of love unless you’ve done some fucked up thing to her. Otherwise, the relationship gets stale and boring. Or she doesn’t think of you as a challenge and she loses attraction. You have to spike her emotions between happy and mad or happy and sad. In order to do this, you really can’t give a fuck about her. The easiest way really i think is to cheat. Sad to say, but if you want to keep her attracted, you have to cheat in order to keep yourself from feeling desperate about her. If she ain’t complaining, then you aint gaining. If you don’t fight, you ain’t doing something right. They love toxic and struggle love. If you don’t like to argue or find things to be mad about, then a relationship probably isn’t going to work for you. Unfortunately, cheating is a must. Having only 1 girl is worse than having none these days.

7)Money is everything. Just like a woman with great looks gets a lot of chances. Men with a lot of money get the same priveleges. She really only loves you because of your money. Just don’t be too weird, decent looking, and she’ll drop anything for you if you’re wealthy. Money is god to most of them. You can have the look, personality, compatibility, etc, but the most important thing on the list is the money. Even if they say it isn’t.

8)You have to be an entertainer. If you cannot keep her laughing, then you’re fucking up. That’s not the end all be all, but if another guy can make her laugh more than you, then you’re going to have problems on your hands.

9) Love is conditional and transactional. If you fail to keep her happy. She won’t hesitate to jump ship or at the very least cheat to get her “emotional needs” met. They may fight for struggle love, but not boring love. Come to think of it, it makes sense. If she’s always distracted by the bullshit you put her though, she cannot ever see the real you. If, one the other hand, she see’s the good you too much, and that’s not enough, then what hope is left. At least if she can put a finger on some bad behavior, then there is potential for you to change. If you’ve already shown your potential….and it isn’t enough, then she loses hope and is ready to move on the to the next one.

Women don’t want your love, they want money, status, trips, vacations, happiness, entertainment, great sex, a therapist, psychologist, a great provider, entertainer, protector, comedian, corporate thug, a faithful man who all other women want, one who puts them in their place while at the same allows them to get away with everything. They want an enforcer, god fearing hell raising, bad man who turned his life around because of her and turned into a successful empire owner. Fail to miss even one one of those demands, she’s unhappy, unless you can trauma bond with her. Otherwise good luck, good guy.

10) Most women over inflate their value. Ugly women don’t know that they’re ugly. Fat chicks don’t care that they’re fat. Many women don’t know that they are average at best. Every one of them thinks that her pussy is uncommonly good. Even if her looks are decent, many have serious personality issues that need work. But none can seem to acknowledge it. Each one thinks they deserve the perfect man of their dreams. Anything less is settling.

Checking Out

I don’t really understand the mentality behind how my stbxw just checked out of our marriage. I think this is the hardest part to understand and get over. I mean I know I wasn’t perfect, but our marriage didn’t seem to have any more problems than any other.

I mean check out as in, not even want to work on it. Like with no warning. How could she have so many problems and have no complaints about them. It seemed like things were fine one day and terrible the next. She admits that she isn’t the best communicator of her feelings. Perhaps she was harboring pent up resentments or something.

I mean still though, to go so far as to throw away your whole family without trying is demoralizing to me. I mean, were things that bad with me that she’d be willing to have affairs and simply just not care. Though the literature says that it isn’t my fault, at least for the cheating part…’s hard not to take it personally.

In ways it’s like it seems that I’m such a terrible person that she’s willing to walk away from her family without attempting to fix/work on anything. And it’s hard not to think that it’s not my fault. Perhaps there’s something triggering my deepest insecurities. Was is the sex? Is it my personality? How am I so offensive that it would cause someone to just abandon their morals and leave their family. How could she just be THAT person as if it’s something she HAS to do. Didn’t our memories, marriage, vows, family, kid…mean anything to her.

How does one just “check out” of a marriage? How does one just stop caring about their spouse? Abandon them for no obvious reason (at least to me) and just say fuck you and your feelings. I mean I didn’t do anything terribly wrong. Am I just that terrible? That pathetic? That unredeemable that she could just discard me and our friendship like an old shoe.

This speaks to my deepest insecurity about not being good enough and perhaps this is why it hurts so much. I talk my shit about her sure, but despite ALL of her flaws and imperfections, I never deemed her unworthy as to just abandon her emotionally like that. I was always there for her. She was my wife. She’s far from perfect herself, but when you love someone, those things aren’t deal dealbreakers. I truly thought of her as a friend and even if we weren’t going to be together in a romantic sense, why be so damned evil, disrespectful, and cruel about leaving our family.

Perhaps she never truly loved me. If she did, things would have turned out better. But even still, without the ‘romantic’ aspect of love afoot……i mean how could she just not give a fuck. I thought we had a pretty special thing. And even though looking back, I can see that we aren’t compatible on so many levels, how could she have so little respect for our family, me, or my feelings in this. How could she just be so callous and cold to me despite me being there for her in so many ways in the past?

And there seems to be no remorse. Despite acknowledging in personal conversation that she wouldn’t want someone treating her, our son, or her friends and family like she treats me, it’s like she’s oblivious in a way as to how bad this shit hurts. I mean how could you knowingly and willing treat a person who demonstrated that they had your back so many times in so many ways so badly….and not lose an ounce of sleep over it.

I want karma, but I know it doesn’t necessarily work that way. So i won’t wait around for a “downfall” from her. That’s something I have no power to control.

Perhaps I’ve never been truly fucked over like this, by someone who was that close to me.

I know that we aren’t good for each other, I don’t really want her back. Too much has transpired for me to even consider it. Her behavior shows a deep character flaw that is a deal breaker for me (insofar as having a relationship with her) But somewhere deep down I’m hurting so fucking bad right now. And I just can’t figure out why. Despite having the validation and support of family, friends, and a few lovers on the way….it’s so hard to shake this hurt off.

If that was love that I had for her, i don’t want it anymore for anyone. It’s not work the risk. It truly sucks. I have to protect myself and my heart in case I either mis-guage the situation or she ever switches up on me. I’ll never love that deep again for sure.

It was a pretty bad day emotionally.

Big Deal

Just when you think that a person can’t get any lower, they prove to you that they can. I am starting to get uneasy when around her. I’ve given up the bedroom and started sleeping on the couch. Last night, after a pretty heated debate. Perhaps some might call it an argument even though there was no yelling involved. I woke up to find that the bedroom door was locked. When asked why she locked it, she said that she was afraid that I might do something to her. ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? I have never not once even jumped at her. Now she is playing victim in all this.

Yes, I do talk my shit so to speak as far as asking her to justify how in the hell she thinks that what she’s doing is remotely ok. I tell her that she cannot be transparent with others. Though she claims that certain people know what she’s doing. Her current affair, her old affairs, etc. Sadly, these people also know me and yet they still don’t talk her out of it. From her testimony, they are sorry we are going through this and wants her to be happy. As if she isn’t responsible for cheating and putting us in this situation to begin with.

Yet, she won’t leave given that the apartment is considered marriage property and she has the right to be there. She claims to want to want be there with kiddo until she gets a travel assignment. It’s been a few months and still nothing though. Any day can be the day.

I just cannot believe that she’s on that time even though she has shown me over and over again that she is. Now she wants to claim that she’s afraid of me. I’m pretty sure she’s playing victim for her friends and lover. This is dangerous because as a man, and as a black one at that, the police and law enforcement would have no problems locking my black ass up first and asking questions later.

I have nowhere else to go. I moved back into that apartment as favor to her and now I’m paying for being so got damned nice. There is a lesson in that, and I suppose that I am learning it the hard way. She is NOT my friend. She doesn’t have my best interest at heart, and now it seems that she’s evolving to be even more sinister and evil (to me anyway) than before. I have no clue what she’s willing or capable of doing to me, but this episode has opened my eyes to realize that I cannot take her lightly.

How did i end up with a woman like that? Is she crazy? Is she possessed? Was she always like that and I just missed the red flags? Or is it me? Am I delusional? Am I wrong? Am I missing something? I know people out here in the world are dealing with much worse situations. Unemployment, poverty, health issues, actual abuse, taking care of sick / disabled loved ones, major depression….etc. I should be thankful that things are as good as they are as in actuality, things could be much worse.

I guess I just gotta do what I gotta to do deal with it and cope until she leaves. Acceptance is understanding that she is who she is.