Venomous Honey Flavored Cocaine

I think that a lot of women want a dude to fall head over heels and hopelessly in love with them in order to gain some sort of power over them. Perhaps it’s a form of insecurity. But if you happen to fall into the trap, these megalomaniacs then use your attraction/addiction to them in order to squeeze every bit of resources, protection, time, emotions and so forth out of you. Once they know they have it, then then mask falls off. You’re their slave and you’ll do anything to keep their validation and love for you around. Sex is no longer a pleasurable act, but actually becomes weaponized in order to get you to do what they want on their terms. Fail to comply with their needs, they’re out. Basically, they want to you be under the spell of being “in love”. Ironically, once they receive it, they lose attraction and respect for you. Don’t do it. Don’t let yourself fall in love.

Meanwhile, the thing we as men have at our disposal is that during the process of them trying to win you over, they’ll do damn near anything to get you to that state of mind. You have stay strong. During that time, they may show you some act right. But if they ever sense that you cannot walk away…..they’ve got u. They win. You can play the role to see how it might play out, but if you ever actually fall….the reality is….they got u……trapped. These modern women are like black widow spiders. They devour the males after mating with them. The males let it happen to them. In a similar sense, instead of devouring them during the mating process…..they devour men who fall in love.

Falling in love is like ingesting venomous honey flavored cocaine. It’s sweet yet addictive and poisonous. I’ve seen countless stories of hapless victims to this dangerous drug. It’s evidenced by them getting cheated on, disrespected, discarded by some of the most vile women imaginable, yet somehow rationalizing an irrational desire to want to be with them. I was once there and am still in recovery. Yeah, I once indulged in this sweet nectar, and just like most recovering drug addicts will tell you……yeah, I am a drug addict. They realize that this may be a life long condition or temptation despite it dragging their souls through the scorching hot jagged rocks of hell.

My lover once told me that if she were STBXW, she’d treat me the same way. That always stuck with me. I don’t think she really understood (or maybe she did) how I’d take that. I think she was trying to tell me to get over it in a way….. but still, the idea that sh’e’d also take advantage of someone who was in love with her is duly noted in my mind. Why take advantage of a person who loves you….even if you no longer reciprocate those feelings. I’d think you’d try to be respectful as possible….especially if they are trying to respect your feelings in the matter.

I suppose it’s not their problem, but for me, the idea that someone could simply fall out of love with you and due to that fact, they no longer value you, your friendship, your history, or you as a person isn’t something I’d consider as loyalty or faithfulness. In fact, I’d say it is a form of using someone. I don’t think my home girl understands that. She seems to also buy into the sentiment that once the “thrill” is gone (or she’s no longer happy), the relationship is over. Fuck that man. Relationships therefore are superficial and self serving and this isn’t imo a foundation to build a family upon. If not for the desire to have a family…..then what is the point the progression of titles in relationshps (friends, boyfrined/girlfriend, fiance, husband/wife) anyway. It’s just delaying the enevitable break up and making things much harder on everyone when it does happen.

I think most women mistake love for feelings of lust and attraction. And if someone better comes along and they think they’ll get it, they’ll drop u like a hot potato….or at the very least try it out by taking a “break”, cheating, or monkey branching. If it doesn’t work out, then they might come back temporarily…..however their respect for you is completelty gone by then.

Man, you just can’t trust your heart with a woman. She’s too fickle, self serving, whimsical, and victim to her own emotions. I really wish I had known this in the past. I wouldn’t have tried to give my heart out and I wouldn’t be in such a bad state of mind. My home girl doesn’t understand this, my lover doesn’t seem to understand this…..but i think subconsciously….it’s in their nature to desire that guy who is hopelessly in love with them. At least the guy they are attracted to. But if that guy does indeed fall for them, it’s also just a matter of time before they’re on to the next.

Knowledge is power. The application of knowledge is wisdom. No point in complaining about it. It is what it is. So in light of all of this my new motto is: Be cool, but stay frosty.

Another Step Unlocked

A good friend of mine told me that I should forgive STBXW. Not to get back with her, but because it it hurts me more to hold on to the hate. I’ve heard stuff like this a million times already and I though I somewhat believed it. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. When I thought about, i felt a slight sense of nausea in my stomach.

I decided to give it a try over the weekend. I thought about and purposefully ‘felt’ what I thought forgiveness should feel like. Then I thought about her as I was resting in the feeling of forgiveness. And let it marinate. It felt like free falling.

Besides the fact that my ego was/is hurt. I think I was afraid to forgive her because I feared that it might cause me to desire her again. I worked to hard to get over her and I dam sure didn’t want any setbacks. I suffered and clawed my way out of every inch of that quicksand and DO not want to lose any ground.

I decided to completely forgive her. I figured that I had swayed the pendulum from love to hate on purpose in order to emotionally disconnect. But now it is time to move it back towards a more central position. Why not. I radically tried in my mind and heart to feel as if it were forgiven. She did what she did (on purpose), but I forgive her.

I won’t pretend and say that I’m completely over it, but it did actually help a lot. I can look at her now. I don’t feel as if I desire to have her. It did bring me a surprising amount of peace. I think it’s helping me to accept things as they are. I believe that the “devil” may still have a few tricks left up his sleeve. But as of now, I plan on holding steadfast and hoping that I can continue to keep things cool. With this radical forgiveness, I realize that I’ll probably never receive a real apology….but that’s ok. She’ll probably continue to lie and gaslight if given the opportunity….but that’s ok. She’ll probably never understand the damage she did to my heart…..but that’s ok. She may even try some dirty tricks in the divorce/separation…’s OK. She still thinks she’s a good person…..ok whatever. It’s who she is. I cannot change it. As with pretty much any woman I don’t know or trust like that, I can’t put anything past her.

And the magical part is that I don’t have to walk around insecure or mistrustful because I don’t put any faith in her doing the ‘right’ thing by me. Not saying that she necessarily will do more evil, but if she does, then it’s not a surprise either. I don’t want to tempt God or the devil or whoever is actually running this trial by fire thing, but all I can do is hope that no matter what happens, I can hold on to my peace. …. in the center. No expectatations.

We’re still not all buddy buddy. I don’t go out of my way to talk to her. But when evil thoughts about how she treated me arise or thoughts of how could she do me like that pop up…..i simply get back to the idea and feeling of radical forgiveness. I think I truly did love her and if I did, part of that is the ability to forgive and move forward accordingly.

Forgiveness, to me though, is like…..if a mentally challenged person were to intentionally break something that was important to me…..even though I wouldn’t hold a grudge, I’d be sure to keep the replacement out of their hands or at the very least under close supervision. So with her. I let it go, she can’t fix it and really would only hinder my recovery if I leave anything up to her.

I think this brings me closer to that state of apathy I’m looking for.

Professional Victims

The Victim mindset of a lot black women is getting really annoying to me. Let’s be clear….this probably isn’t just a black women or women of color thing, but probably a western woman thing in general. I say black women because that’s who I mostly deal and converse with on these type of topics.

Ok, I get it….black women have historically had it rough and many still do. But the majority of them screaming the loudest are college educated, middle class, nice car driving, home owning, 401k having, passport traveling, never struggled for shit ass women.

These entitled queens like to scream that they are so oppressed and have it so bad…..yet boastful about how many stamps are on their passport. You’d think with so much traveling, they’d see the conditions of woman (and people) in other parts of the world and be grateful. They don’t have to struggle for food. They’re not living in times of pestilence nor famine. There aren’t maruaders of men roaming around plotting to kidnap or rape them (though I admit they should always be careful). They aren’t working in coal mines, sweat shops, or unsafe work conditions. They can make their own money. Noone is stopping them from opening their own businesses or being great in a career. In fact, you see the memes of black girl magic everywhere it seems. Here in Atlanta, you see black women doctors, lawyers, business owners, nurses, and pharmacists on every corner. Hell, even the last mayor was a black woman. The vice president is a black woman. Movies heralding the greatness of black women are all over the silver screen. Like gotdamn….are we living in an alternate universe?

I just don’t get it when they say black women “need protection.” Protection from who…..themselves? Their poor choices in men? Their rebellious attitudes, and sense of entitlement? Like bruh, it just burns me up when I see these mercadez c class driving, micheal kors toting, $200 weave wearing divas sitting around at fancy restaruant brunch talking about how bad they got it. Just who is oppressing them? They are one of the most protected classes of people in the U.S. You can’t say shit negative about black women as a whole on a public platform without getting canceled or having to apologize for it. Even if there is some truth in it. You say something they don’t like, they’re in your face ready to fight and noone can check them.

Then you have white knights and simps ready to beat anyone’s ass who isn’t singing praises about them and kissing their ass. They can literally punch a man in the face and spit on him and he better just sit there and take it. Otherwise the crowd (or someone in it) is ready to come to her defense.

You try to point out all of this obvious stuff to them and they still will tell you how they “feel” like noone listens to them. Like everyone else is just out to get them.

Like listen snowflake. It’s 2k22. Women are killing it these days. To be honest, the women in my life are hands down doing better than the men financially. Colleges and universities now have more women than men attending and that stat is just growing.

How in the fuck does it make sense that a lot of them complain about not being able to find a black man “on their level.” Yet they still so oppressed. We in middle class America live better lives than actual kings and queens back some 200 years ago. Yet these women still feel they ‘deserve’ more. Baby, you are a project manager making 140k a year in the u.s. and you’re not alone. Please tell me how does your life even begin to compare with the billions of people worldwide who worry about where their next meal is coming from. The billions of people who live in war torn countries…..Who don’t have clean running water. Who don’t have a healthcare or dental plan. Who actually have to go out with a man or pray that they don’t get snatched by some trafficker.

How are you so “cultured” and “educated”, yet still feel like you’re marginalized and minimized. The evidence of your ability to succeed is in that $80 knockoff Gucci bag.

The issue is that you can’t tell them shit…..u can present all of the evidence of their success. Objectively show how bad others have it in comparison to them. All they’ll do is talk about the ones who don’t have it as well…..and “feel” like since society is “oppressing” them, they must also be oppressed. As if men aren’t “oppressed” if we’re going to measure it by that standard. They know EVERYTHING and literally never consider the possibililty they could be wrong about anything. Instead of listening to what you’re actually saying, they listen to respond ….usually with some smart ass comment that doesn’t really address what was actually said. Yet this response is usually enough for them to still “feel” right.

I think this victim mindset in part causes the shitty attitudes many of them have. An ‘entitled’ person usually always finds something else to complain about and can never truly be happy. This could explain why so many are always complaining about shit that they don’t even experience. They’re never happy. Never grateful.

Ironically, this doubled with their lack of accountablity… baggage like trust issues and even more selfishness due to them dealing with terrible men that they chose….even though the red flags were slapping them in the face…. keeps them in perpetual state of victimization. The simple solution is to stop getting knocked up by men who you know aren’t relationship material. Though they won’t admit it, if he makes the panties wet….they act stupid and make stupid decisions. Then blame all men because they can’t control their lust.

Man, just stall me out with all the victim shit. Just saying.

That Witch

I heard something this morning that I never considered. As simple as it sounds, it never crossed my mind to think about things in these terms. Basically, STBXW dumped me. I mean, yeah, she attempted to monkey branch and is still out here swinging from dick to dick. Her cheating was likely an exit affair (as dishonorable as that is)….but it all boils down to, she dumped me. She just didn’t say it with her words.

Why this resonated with me is because, I’ve been all mopey and mad. I think I called it a betrayal. Now don’t me wrong, this was betrayal at it’s finest as she could have just told me she wasn’t feeling it, that she checked out, didn’t want to work on things, and was going to divorce me. But still though, I got dumped. It’s not like me to take rejection so badly.

Putting it in these terms kind of makes me feel pathetic that I took it so hard. I mean really, I honestly think that I was a good person to her…..but people get dumped all the time and there aren’t too many things more pathetic than a guy who got dumped who can’t get over it. A little sadness or even bitterness (depending on how she did it) is reasonable. But face it man, it’s not the worst thing in the world. I’m not one to fight for someone who doesn’t want me anyway. Sooo…. hey it is what it is.

It’s actually kind of hilarious now that I think about it. Saying she dumped me sounds way better than she cheated, betrayed, and left me. Unfortunately for me, I had to endure the humiliation of having to say that I was married to her while having to deal with the bullshit of her being dickmatized by a gotdamn dirtbag. But hey, chicks dig scars….I guess. I’m left with abandonment and trust issues, that’s little toxic I guess. But it seems as if chicks like a little toxicity in their men. All is well that ends well?

Moving on. It’s probably a good thing tho. I’ve discovered in this process that I was very simpish. I loved too hard and that is a recipe for disaster. I made her my world and that’s not how a man is supposed to love a woman. I was ‘in love’ with her as opposed to simply loving and adoring her. You can’t put all of your eggs in one basket like that and nobody is going to protect your heart more than you can. Perhaps it’s possible to O.D. on love. As the saying goes….all things in moderation. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that this includes your love for someone. Similar to drinking too much or taking too many drugs, it’s fun for a moment, but shit can go real south real fast. I didn’t know it at the time but I was junkie for her. Quitting cold turkey was / and sometimes still a bitch. Lesson learned.

Hopefully this newest revelation will be another milestone in my recovery. I thought I’ve gotten thru this so many times already. I won’t sit here and fool myself again. This has definitely been a journey and who knows when I can finally fully breathe again. But I’m getting better for sure.

Open Wounds

STBXW is supposed to be coming back for the weekend for kiddo’s birthday on Saturday. She decided to take a full time position in NYC (surprise surprise) despite my suggestion that she find a position in ATL so that we can both be close to kiddo. It’s his home, he was raised here, and we both have close family living here.

We’re closer to the divorce and she has offered to pay for a lawyer to help us file the noncontested. She wants kiddo to finish out the school year here and next year have him move up to NYC with her.

I still think it’s incredibly selfish objectively of her to split a family up like that. But based on some realistic advice I got from my sister……I have accept the fact that she has justified it in her mind and doesn’t see it as a big problem. I still don’t know if I’ll sign up for him moving up there like that. As much as I’d like to just do whatever to be done with all of this….kiddo is my responsibility and I just don’t think this would be good for him. One thing that really irks me is that her “simp” assed so called male “best friend”. Yeah, the one she cheated with…..had something similar happen to him when his daughter was 4 years old.

In his situation, his ex girlfriend/baby mama cheated on him with his good friend and ended up leaving him for him. According to him, “kids are resiliant” and will so our kid should get over this. It burns me up to think that she’s running with this advice. As if dude didn’t carry a flame for her. The fact that slept with her during our marriage burns me up and I can’t help but wonder if he’s responsible for helping gas her up with this mentality. Dude is so pathetic imo bcuz….despite wanting her for all these years….although she did cheat with him….she ended up in two other affair relationships with two or three other men after that. I can’t respect a man who pretends to be a friend…..pounces during weak moments and then is still there after she rejects him for someone else. Men like this are slimy, greasy, and tbh, I’d open hand slap the shit out of him because I don’t respect him AT ALL. He’s ok with being left over. If she got with him, I’d have no doubts that she’d cheat on him as well. His lack of self respect, dishonor in how he handles this, and overall pussy ways leads me having no respect for him. Though I can’t stand him, I couldn’t be surprised if she ends up with him in the end.

If she got with him, it would probably be the ONLY way I’d consider sticking my dick in her again. It would simply be out of revenge…..but then again, I don’t know if I’d even want to sink that low just to get back at a pussy like that. Besides, I’m sure someone else will do it for me. Maybe it would teach him to keep his nose out of other people’s marriages and to stop being such a grimy ass, slimy ass, bitch ass douchey cunt. Probably wouldn’t tho…. still, I just don’t respect males who are like that.

Despite not liking the woman she’s become (or always was….not sure on that yet)… and understanding that reconciliation is impossible at this point. I still haven’t reached the level of apathy I’d expect to have at this point. I’m unsure why. I’ve logically accepted the fact that SHE AIN’T IT. I made a mistake in choosing her. It’s not my fault that things got to this point between us. It is my responsibility to myself to get over it though.

Yet, I’m still in my feelings (albeit negative) about her. I’ve accepted that she is who she is. I understand through the conversations that we’ve had….that she isn’t wife material. Her ignorance, inability to understand the importance of family, and overall selfishness is just who she is. Even if she does manage to get with someone, the odds of her having more kids is very slim to none. She’s always had fertility issues which I believe is why we only had one. We were very fortunate to have had kiddo.

I always wanted 2 or maybe 3. But I did understand going in that it would be difficult. Given that she’s in her 40’s now…..I suppose that even if by some MIRACLE we somehow were able to fix things, more children would be off the table and this is another reason why it’s fortunate things worked out the way they did. Otherwise, my options would have been completely lost.

All that said….between her fertility issues, lack of morality, selfishness, sneakiness, and lack of common sense…. and the fact that those issues don’t have to be my problem anymore….. I’m still perplexed as to why I’m not more apathetic if not ecstatic over the fact that we are splitting. The best revenge is realizing who she really is…..and being happy that she’s not in my life like that anymore. Though I didn’t dodge the bullet so to speak, and it did hit some vital organs…..I am in recovery…. I did survive the ordeal. It’s still an open wound so to speak. And tbh, the wounds, though psychological… is all in my head. I’ve even learned a few things about what do better or what not to do. I do have the option for there to be a “next time” once I figure out exactly how to make that happen.

This goes to show how ‘falling in love’ really is an anathema. Despite there being mostly positives to gain by letting this go. Minus possibly losing a lot of access to kiddo. I can’t help but to feel a certain way about it all. Why should I care if she ‘moves’ on right now. It speaks way more to her lack of character than to what it says about me. She’s his problem and if a man is foolish enough to give her his heart right now…… he gets what he deserves. Or she gets what she deserves from a man like that. It may seem good for them in the beginning…..she can play the role well…..but i can’t help but to think that the more they get invested, the more gasoline they are pouring until eventually, it all gets burned up once a match is lit. Don’t know when it will happen, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. Personally, I don’t want to be in a position to know or care when or even if karma does finally catch up to her.

Ideally, I’d be so apathetic towards that situation and happy with my life that it’s no longer my concern. Even though I’ve intellectually figured this out for a few years now….. There are still times where she just irks me. I’m still looking forward to the day where I can see her and feel ….nothing….. not good not bad…. just 100% indifference.


Lately, after listening to a ton of reddit/youtube posts about infidelity, I’ve come to the conclusion that falling in love is actually a curse. I had a blog entry before about how love is a drug where I compared how falling in love is similar to being addicted to drugs. But another way to describe this thing is being under a curse.

I’m not saying that love in and of itself is a curse. But to be given over to it has to be some sort of sin, violation of God, or the law of the universe. Maybe idolatry? Many men describe the pain of their wife’s infidelity as one of the most painful experiences they’ve ever had. I can attest to that from my own experience.

There is no way that this is natural or normal. There are very few things on earth that can make a strong grown man cry. Other than the death of a close loved one, I’d say that heartbreak is probably one of the very few things that can get a man to ugly cry.

Although I’ve given up on trusting a woman to not cheat on me. I don’t necessarily want to give up on relationships. I will have someone some day. But next time, I won’t fall so deep into it where I’ve given so much of my heart to her whereby losing her would damage me to that extent.

Though admittedly, thinking back, the stbxw and I never really had that ‘kindred spirit’ type of bond. I still loved her with all of me. The testimonies from these reddit posts seem to indicate that even those types of bonds aren’t enough to keep many wives faithful. This keeps me grounded by understanding that the next time I consider a relationship with someone, I do want to have someone who has a kindred spirit and outlook on the world. But I have to remember that I cannot put my whole heart and soul into her.

Despite everything STBXW has done to me. After all of the lies, deceit, disrespect, gaslighting, and so forth….for some reason, there is a sliver of pain at times whenever I think about her. It’s been over 5 years and even though I’m much much much better than I was, I’m not completely over it. I know that I could never take her back. But it still angers me that she was able to hurt me so bad and purposely destroy our family and have little to no karma or remorse.

Sometimes I can’t help but think that I deserve this somehow. Maybe I’m missing something, yet my mind can’t produce a single thing/incident that I did where I think deserve this. Maybe I’m burning off karma from a previous life. Maybe the reality is that Life just isn’t fair. My younger sister unexpectedly lost her only daughter nearly two years ago. She’s still taking it rough as expected and though she has progressed a tiny bit in her recovery, she may never get over this. I feel really bad for her. She updated one of her pictures on a social media app recently and I could see the pain in her eyes though she was going for a neutral expression. It hurts my heart to know that she’s suffering so bad. She didn’t deserve that at all and by comparison, my issues are just a blip on the scale of the pain she must feel to this day. It’s a pain that she has to endure and even though we were all hurt by losing my neice… sister’s pain…..I can’t even imagine. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can think of to do. I just wish that she could find relief and be able to breathe again. She didn’t deserve that at all. But I digress.

Perhaps love isn’t the issue. I mean what would it look it if she had another child, but decided not to love it as much out of fear of possibly feeling that level of pain again. In a similar way, is it a good thing to keep my heart closed to the possibility of loving someone else out of fear that she’ll also abandon, betray, or cheat on me in order to protect my heart.

I don’t know the answer. But this box does protect me and given the way that these hoes out here cheating left and right…..and i can’t see myself accepting being a cuck “in the name of love”….. Imma just have to remain icy when it comes to romantic type of love.

Where is the lie?

I was having a conversation with an old co-worker about relationships and sex. She seems to believe that all most men want is sex and that we simply use women to get it. She is so feminist / blue pilled that talking to her is an exercise in frustration. But because she does at least listen….and we’ve made it pretty clear that no sex is happening between us…..I can be totally honest and transparent about my feelings about women in general.

We disagree on many topics, but the last one was about this whole notion of men ‘using women for sex’. She seems to think that if a man has sex with a woman, without any intentions for a relationship…..he’s using her and wasting her time.

I couldn’t disagree more. The way I see it, if we both enjoy the sex, then how is it wasting her time? If I am clear that I dont’ want a relationship and I’m not telling her or alluding to the fact that I want one with her, then how am I using her or wasting her time.

I also think that women demand way too much from men in a relationship. I told her that as a man….the only thing I ask for is loyalty, sex (and it doesn’t have to be ALL the time), and for her to not act like a mean witch all the time. Just be respectful. That’s it.

On the flip side, women seem to require…for a relationship…..ambition, dates, good sex, gifts, trips, entertainment, time, and sacrifice. Not to mention loyalty, leadership, commitment, being a rock, knowing how to handle her emotional mood swings. Basically being a handler. But you can’t be too hands on or off. You gotta find the right balance. You can’t be too nice, but you can’t be a pushover either. You gotta have an edge, but not too edgy.

And even if you manage to do 80% of all of that. If another man comes along who offers the other 20%….her loyalty is no longer with you and she’s out. Your 80% and work/time you put in becomes invalid. Keeping her ‘happy’ becomes your job and if you fail at it, then she feels justified in leaving or cheating. This is a raw deal to me. All this in exchange for what… That presumably we both enjoy? Loyalty?…..even though I also give that as well. Relationships are completely one sided favoring the woman and again, you put in all that work and all she has to do one day is wake up and say, she’s not feeling it anymore….or that dude she has eyes for returns the gaze…..and you’re out the door faster than yesterday’s trash. Who is actually using who? Who is wasting who’s time?

Man fuck that. Been there tried that, thought I was succeeding, but apparently I was wrong…..and guess who feels sympathy for me….nobody. Guess who’s telling STBXW she’s wrong for abandoning our family….nobody. But what they do tell her is that she should pursue her happiness no matter who she has to step on in order to get it.

In today’s society… seem to be expendable. All of your good deeds are replaced by what have you done for me lately…..your good intentions and friendship doesn’t mean shit if she decides she’s not happy. And I aint going for it. Again, who is actually using who? Who is wasting who’s time?

How am I wrong because I don’t want the job of being a gotdman genie in a bottle for an ungrateful, spoiled, and entitled princess who is loyal to noone except her own ‘happiness’ and desires. At this point, all I care to offer is some dick and conversation. I mean I do nice things too, but it’s not out of some idea that she’ll actually stay loyal to me when the urge to move on comes along. I do it because it makes me happy to show love.

Because i do know that relationships are all about her happiness and I’m not going to take on the impossible task of hoping that she’ll have mercy on me should I ever be foolish enough to fall in love and take on that foolish endeavor as a mission in life.

I don’t want the responsibility. It’s too much like work….and my only pay is what…..increasingly less sex and possible temporary loyalty/fidelity?

My friend thinks that I’m damaged and need counseling.

For what?,….to go back into that blue pilled mindset where I’m just a workhorse or man servant here to please her. Where I’m basically an expendable object or stepping stone on her whimsical path to some end of the rainbow pot of happiness. Nah man, I’ll pass on that. I’ll let some other simp or sucker sign up for that. The juice just aint worth the squeeze to me. I stepped off the plantation and I refuse to be a slave to the pussy.

I’ve learned the hard way that a woman loves you until she doesn’t. She’s never yours, it’s just your turn. Enjoy your turn, but realize it’s not gonna last forever. I don’t enjoy being a man servant to a person who doesn’t understand loyalty to others outside of herself.

At best I can hope for temporary infatuation. But again, it’s all just temporary until the next best thing comes along.

For now, I’d rather remain single and have a fwb. This keeps the playing field even. It’s never her job to keep me happy anyway…..but in this setup, it’s not my responsibility to do so for her. She’s free to leave when she gets tired of me….no need to cheat… no need for betrayal….and no hard feelings. If she can’t even do that without a commitment, then I can only be mad at myself because I obviously had my feelings in too deep.

Maybe this isn’t common information/knowledge, but I am free. It comes at a price of understanding that “true love” from a woman ain’t real….. but we all have to grow up someday. Santa Claus isn’t real and as a grown as man, I’ve come to realize that neither is a woman’s “LOVE” for me.

Growth is acceptance. It might seem that I come across as bitter…..but I am just accepting reality for what it is. Perhaps it seems that way because most people aren’t hip to the facts. I’m not mad….. no more than I’m mad that people lied to me about the easter bunny. It just is what it is and I no longer play that game thinking that it’s real.

So I’m the problem now?

One of my good friends tells me that I need therapy because I choose not to trust women. It’s not that I don’t trust them. I might trust one to get my laundry, I might trust her to not steal if I leave my wallet out, I might trust them to get a job done or even in a business deal. I just don’t trust that they will be faithful.

For that reason, I prefer not to be a boyfriend or husband anymore. We can be friends or friends with benefits if the attraction is there. I know it sounds stupid, but I’ll damn near treat her like I was her boyfriend in a fwb situation. But I don’t want the title. If she decides to cheat, then at least spare me the humiliation and disrespect. Plus the way I see it, if I’m not her “man”, then she has no reason to lie to me about her dalliances. I’ve gone through enough and seen enough infidelity and cheating stories to know that husbands and boyfriends are out here losing….big time… 2022…..if one of the measures of success is loyalty.

A lot (probably the majority) of these modern women aren’t loyal and will lie to your face about it. They’ll go out and suck a dick, get nutted in and on….then the only options left for them is to come home to you and kiss you with the dick breath or best case scenario….not let you get any. Let that sink in….not give you any because she just got her back blown out by someone else….and that’s in the BEST case scenario.

I’m not saying that ALL women do this. I’m just saying that 1)she could start at any time and 2)she could just be lying. How could you ever tell the difference? Sometimes there are tell tale signs that she’s fooling around with someone else, but just as often as not….there aren’t any. And again, due to the fact that she’ll lie in your face about it with no remorse…. even going so far as getting upset with you for ‘accusing’ her…. even if she is guilty…. there is no way to know unless u catch her in the act.

I’d rather not be in a position to have to play detective or ask those types of questions. I’m not a side guy type as I don’t like to intentionally share women. Plus I think it’s dishonorable to do this to another person. But I do envy the fact that ‘side guys’ at least have the option decide to keep dealing with her in light of the truth as opposed to not knowing what she’s on. She’s more honest in that respect to the “side dude.”

At this point, I really don’t know if women just be believing the lies they tell or if they are really just that hell bent on denying the truth. But either way, it’s not something I want to ever have to deal with again.

People lie. The reason I choose to single out women is because I don’t have those types of things to worry about with men as I don’t deal with them on a sexual/emotional level like that. I don’t think that women should trust me like that. Not because I think I’d be unfaithful, but because she doesn’t know that I wouldn’t be. Just because she doesn’t trust me like that doesn’t give me a right to be dishonorable prick though. I think it’s really stupid when people say, stupid shit like “well, he/she’s doesn’t trust me anyway, I might as well do it.” As if what I eat can make you shit.

How the fuck can she KNOW me even though I know me. How could she tell the difference between me and the last person who lied to her. The bottom line is that liars lie and many times they lie convincingly well. Even to the point where they seem to believe their own lies. So nah, I don’t trust nobody like that. In order to avoid this I’d rather not do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. People swear they want it, but then go right behind your back and be on that bullshit. STBXW promised me that she’d never do me like that. I believed her becasue she said she had it done to her before. I was convinced. There were no signs that she could really be that deceptive. As a result of trusting her, I had my heart crushed into a million pieces. All of this could have been avoided if we were just fwb’s and weren’t bound by the constraints and expectations of a ‘relationship’. These expectations lead to people lying in order to pretend to hold up their end of the agreement. Maybe we could have salvaged some sort of friendship in the end….instead of now, me hating the sight of her because of getting betrayed.

I prefer honesty and respect over “love” and “titles” all day. Let me live in an uncomfortable truth than a “soothing” lie. At least I still have my agency. People are going to people and part of that for most of them is lying and being deceitful. They like to have their cake and eat it too if they believe they can get away with it. There is little if any self accountability. As the saying goes….”all is fair in love and war.” This includes deception, dishonor, and all sorts of necessary evils.

Again, not saying that ALL women cheat, but with no way of being able to tell the difference between someone you can trust and someone you can’t…..I’d rather just not put myself into that situation unnecessarily. If a woman LOVES you she won’t go out ‘exploring options’. Even if you don’t have a title. But a title isn’t going to stop her from doing so if she chooses to. She does have incentive however to lie about it if she does have the title. Without it, she has no reason to lie about it. So if you don’t ‘claim’ her, you can get the side dude honesty without actually being a side dude.

I also advocate on doing the bare minimum or at the most, no more than you WANT to do for her to keep her around. I’d say compromise as little as possible because if you start doing too much, she may want to keep you around for the benefits….so she’ll lie to you while exploring options so she can keep getting that out of you.

The FWB option seems logical, reasonable, and practical to me. I’m not treating her bad, nor am Iying to her. So no harm no foul. If she wants to leave, she can….the door is open. She doesn’t have to worry about ‘sparing my feelings’ or holding on to some stupid vows to “fight” for something she doesn’t want. She doesn’t have to lie. I just want honesty. That’s it. Leave if u must, do what u gotta do. I might not be here when u return, but either way, no hard feelings because she kept it real with me and all I can do is respect it….even if i am hurt over it.

I think this is much healthier than feeling like….I gotta get her b4 she gets me. Or I gotta test her loyalty….. I just assume across the board that they aren’t / can’t be loyal and I’m not going to give her the opportunity to go out like that….bcuz in the end, if I’m wrong for trusting her…..I’m the one mostly hurt by it. Not her. I’m the one left feeling like shit while she continues to “live her best life” unconcerned about me.

I don’t know her her like that, no matter what she says….but I do know me. I am or at least try to be truthful and honest. And that’s all I can trust.

Maybe I do have trust issues. But these hoes do be lying A LOT.

I got this

Suddenly finding myself as an ‘effectively’ single parent in my early 40s is a bit more daunting than I thought. At least insofar as finding a relationship. I’m not really keen on bringing a new woman around my son and he isn’t quite old enough for me to leave home alone for a long period of time. Plus, me and his mother haven’t officially divorced yet.

One of the reasons why me and my lover couldn’t have worked out is because of the ties, responsibilities, and obligations that I have. Even IF i was willing to try the serious committed thing again with her, I wouldn’t have felt right to make her wait until I got this situation straightened out. That said, with her moving away, I can tell that she is trying (probably rightfully so) trying to distance herself from me. I should take the hint and keep it moving. It was nice to think that I may have had a soft cushion to land on….but maybe it is time to remove the safety net and start walking on my own. I truly hope that she finds happiness in her endeavors and whoever she chooses…..I hope he treats her with the love and respect she deserves.

This does sort of put me in a position where I don’t have anyone and I guess that’s ok. It’s part of the process. If I am to take on the the responsibility of single parenting this thing, I have to accept the fact that it’s going to limit my already limited options. I dont’ have the free time to date around. One of the difficult things about having custody of a child is that you can’t be spontaneous. Then I also have to “hide” it from him as STBXW haven’t officially split yet.

She kept him for a few weeks in the summer and I had the opportunity to get with at least 2 girls. I guess I was sort of still not facing the reality of what’s happening with me and my lover so I didn’t indulge as I felt it would have been wrong. But to be honest, I’m not really attracted to one of them like that and I work with the other.

My options are also limited due to fact that I don’t really know where to meet anyone. Then even if I do….as a 40 something year old, I need to have my own space. I can take him to a baby sitter if I need the weekend, but I’d have to rely on them and I’m not sure if it’s right for me to put that responsibility on them. I do want another kid or two and possibly a wife again…. but I don’t want to marry someone just for the sake of being married and having kids. But in the mean time, it is nice to have someone to share sex and intimacy with. Unfortunately, I don’t know how I can balance this for now.

It sort of sucks that stbxw gets to come in and never appreciate the difficulties that this also presents to me. Even with her in NY now, her betrayal is still affecting me. It’s hard not to be upset when she gets to ‘live it up’…..while I’m stuck picking up the pieces of my life while at the same time trying to maintain a certain semblance of stability in the life of kiddo. Now I guess she has unfettered access to her Affair Partner(s)…. I believe that in her mind, having him for 3 weeks isn’t that difficult so she doesn’t see what I’d complain about. But i’d rather him with me than in NY with her. I think it would be better for him overall. Given how she moves, I don’t know if I’d trust her to look after his best interests as she’s proven so far to be more concerned about her happiness than what’s best for everyone else.

Besides, this is what sacrifice is all about. Not sure if I’ll ever be rewarded for this directly…. or if anyone will ever understand the sacrifices it’s taking….then again, why should they…..this is my responsibility. Plus I love him and I don’t regret it one bit. I believe that true happiness comes from within and now is the time to test that theory. Besides, who knows, maybe someday the right one will come along. If it doesn’t then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime.

Meanwhile, I guess I just have to put the focus on keeping in shape, working at my job, getting my finances in better order, and making sure I’m supporting him in his academics, sports, and growth. That is a lot on my table and I gotta get rid of this appetite for pussy and affection. At least for now. Monk mode baby. Time to get it.