Yall Crazy

I’m not understanding why dudes out here are still trying to fall in love. I fear it and maybe it makes me unavailable, but man why on earth would you want to subject yourself to so much potential pain. It would be like taking a drug that is known to create euphoria, but you have at least a 50% chance of becoming totally addicted to and powerlessly consumed by it.

And the withdrawals rival that of heroin or crack. Who in the fuck wants to take that chance? Is experiencing good ‘feelings’ worth the downsides? I personally don’t think so, having been there. Society however seems to think that guys like me who had claw my way back to recovery are damaged goods. They call us ’emotionally unavailable’ or commitment phobic.

These days, it sounds like the women telling themselves that they want a man to be ‘head over heels’ in love are like narcs. Why do they want this type of power over a man? Do they want a gotdamned man servant or somthing? Will they give a fuck if you fall hard and they suddenly don’t want you anymore. It seems to me that they want you hooked so that they can control you. But what’s worse, they can discard you for any reason if you fail to meet up to their expectations or if they feel that someone can offer them ‘greener grass’ over there. And if you’re discarded while being deep “in love.” Do you think she gives a fuck about how you feel? It’s all about her happiness and her fulfillment. You’re just a disposable tool or a means to an end in their eyes. Your objectives aren’t her primary concern.

And they want me to take a chance on giving someone that much power over me? Man fuck that. I am not a utility and my heart isn’t a disposable object for her to play with until she gets bored. So yeah, they can spread that bullshit advice all they want, but I’ve waken up to the reality.

While I don’t want to ‘fall in love’, it’s proving to be a bit difficult to deal with a woman because I actually do care about how I make them feel in the end. It seems that the run with my lover and I is almost over…. I feel bad in a way that perhaps she wasted her time with me insofar as not achieving the end goal of ‘marriage’ after so much time. But if I’m honest, I really never thought I could make her “happy” if I were her man. I can’t afford the nice things that she “says” don’t matter to her. I cannot afford to take the risk of falling deep in love with a woman that I don’t feel that I can appease. I’m not going back to that blue pilled “happy wife, happy life” way of thinking.

I’d rather be alone than to serve a broad who can and will replace my ass if I no longer make her happy. What about me? I don’t ask for much from her, yet she requires the world from me. Perhaps it is man’s fate to serve women to this capacity, but I’m resisting. I did my time. Served my bid and ended up in the trash. Noone cared. The men who have that “it” factor and who don’t care seem to have it easiest out here. Sure I can be that man servant to her, but if a guy comes along who has that “it” factor and makes the grass seem greener elsewhere, she is sure to leave me desolate and down in the dumps. She’d throw everything away just for a chance to get with that guy. Meanwhile, you’re left, stuck, hurt, humiliated, mad…..stuck in withdrawals. Been there done there, got stuck and I’m still recovering. Why on earth would I risk it again?

It’s not a good place to be. I have the protect my heart, she won’t. I can’t rely on her to.

My homegirl is so blind to her selfishness in this and desires that type of ‘love’ from a man so bad. It comes across to me as she’s needy and a control freak. She wants to control a man. When asked about commitment and marriage, her main thing is that it’s about happiness. So she wants a man to fall head over in heels in love with her. She wants the wedding and the spectacle and if a man is foolish enough to come along and actually fall in love like she wants him to, I can’t but help feel sorry for him.

Dude is committed to being a sucker to her for life and anytime she’s ready to relieve him of his services, and will fire his ass. It comes down to keeping her happy and keeping her happy involves pretty much doing as she says. If he fails to comply with her wishes, then she has no problems with holding the cookie and intimacy hostage, and if it goes on for too long, she’ll probably cheat with a guy who “listens” to her. If he does always ‘give’ in, she’s bound to end up losing respect for him. It’s a no win situation where you have to walk the fine line of being assertive and just making her happy in order to keep her around.

Who wants such a 1 sided relationship…..and the way I see it, the only way a man is going to deal with a woman’s bullshit is if he “falls in love.” or if he is so desperate for the cookie, he’ll do anything to get and keep it. She wants complete dominance over him.

Yeah, I’ll pass. I just gotta learn how to be loving while not caring so much about a woman’s feelings. I don’t want to hurt my lover, but I can’t be with her. I don’t think she has really thought this thing out because, as with most women, they only care about their happiness without regarding how it can actually play out. Being in “love” does that. Hopefully she has enough love for me to understand that it was never my intention to waste her time…..who knows.

Just like that?

So me and my lover have been ‘talking’ for about 6 years and lately she’s been asking me what I want to do as far as taking things to the next level. We usually talk and text every day, but lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing all of the initiating which tells me she’s either trying to emotionally separate, already has, or either she’s going through something. I decided not reach out this time and haven’t heard from her in a few days. I take this to mean that she’s done. It could all be in my head and maybe I’m reading too much into it…..but if I’m right…..I get it. Not mad at her as I really don’t see how this could work considering my current situation. I did like the idea of liking someone without being “in love” with them, but I knew that sooner or later, she’d move on.

Perhaps it’s best that we don’t officially ‘close’ the door. It’s easier anyway. I have it made up in my mind that I won’t have hard feelings though I gotta say that you don’t talk to someone almost every day for a few years and not miss them. But hey, it is what it is and even though I’ve written similar things in the past about her, I still feel that I do want the best for her and I see no way in making “US” work by actually improving her life. Given my views on marriage and relationships and the fact that I don’t think that she really loves me loves me like that…..I’m no good for her outside of a fun time. I think she was “in love” with me and it would only be matter of time before that wears off and misery started creeping in.

For the first time in a long time, i can say that I don’t have anyone. There is a girl who’s been trying to get my attention, and even though she is ‘talking’ good. She’s cool. But this has taught me that I probably need some time to myself. My homegirl was telling me ‘men’ are sexed crazed….and you know, even though I probably could ‘exploit’ that situation for sex. She probably is right on this one. I think that sex leads to entanglements. I was entangled with my lover for the past 6 years…..a bout a year after Q’s waywardness and estrangement. (wow, this has been a loong time)….. I haven’t really had time to be alone and just not have anyone else to deal with. As men, society generally doesn’t encourage celibacy. Especially in the black community. But I think that this could be a good thing temporarily.

In a way, I’m looking forward to it. Even though me and my lover were never in an official relationship (sorry babe, I never would have imagined we would have held on to each other for so long). In many ways, it sort of felt like it. I really hope the best for her and I hope that who ever gets her treats her well. Despite not claiming her as my girlfriend….I think I treated her pretty well otherwise. I hope that she finds someone who treats her even better.

Though bittersweet, it feels like the ending of another one of my long term (2 year) college situationships. I’m a little down, but I’m ok. Or as my uncle likes to say….I’m partly cloudy, but fair. I feel an uncanny peace on the inside (reminiscent of the college situationship) so maybe this is the right decision. I do have the urge to reach out at times, but it’s probably best that I don’t. The last text I sent was asking if she was ok….she replied with yeah, I’m fine.


I do need to fix this issue with Q though. As in finalize this divorce. I’m not sure what the hesitation is on her behalf, but I really don’t need to be out here looking or recruiting until I do. Full disclaimer though….if some pussy just falls into my lap on some random ish…. I can’t make any promises. However, I plan on not even looking to see what I can see see see for now. It’s time to just focus on me, kiddo, my body, my work, money, and side business ideas. I really like my new job and can focus being more proactive. I can start muy thai or bjj and get involved in a sport with kiddo.

I have to forgive Q and this is hard because I often feel that she thinks I’m stupid or something. It seems that she gets a power trip off of ‘getting one over on me’. Maybe it’s just my interpretation of the situation if I think about it…. I am sort of putting her between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I am demanding “respect” aka….don’t be out there fucking with other men until we’re divorced…..On the other, I don’t want to work things out with her and I’m not even trying. I don’t expect a sincere apology, but I think I’m still mad because ‘sincere’ in my head means she stops doing that shit. However even if she does ‘stop’….. 1)how the fuck am I supposed to know/believe her after so much lying and 2)What’s the point as I’m not trying to work on reconciliation. Perhaps deep down I want her to attempt reconciliation. But to tell you the truth….that’s just vanity and my ego talking. I really don’t like the woman she has become like that and I can’t see myself going back so there is no “starting over.” She is getting older and having more kids with her most likely can’t / won’t happen. Plus, she is becoming one of those insufferable older (need to be right black women that I just can’t do it with).

I’ve heard that divorcing couples (especially after an affair) have a period called “hysterical bonding” where they have one last hurrah of great sex and bonding as some sort of attempt to salvage the relationship. From what I’ve read, this is usually short lived and the issues that once plagued the marriage soon returns. Plus, I can’t get over the idea that she’s been with so many men. Been a straight up slut and side chick with them and the idea that I”m the one who takes her seriously enough to take her back after all of that kind of ruins it for me. Between the disrespect, the BV diagnosis she got (typically coming from having more than 1 man nut in her in a fairly short period of time), the texts I read about the nasty shit she did with them…..Ugh Nah I’ll pass. I’d imagine it would feel much like having sex with a prostitute. I need some condoms just in case she catches me too drunk. LOL…..Seriously though, i don’t feel peace in my heart with the thought or idea. It actually makes my stomach a bit queasy just thinking about it.

Half Court Shot

Maybe I need to stay off the algorithms on youtube. I’m still getting all sorts of redpill content and I’m addicted to it. It’s causing me to really abhor the idea of having a relationship. Between the content and talking to my homegirl, it’s really causing me to believe that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

In my mind, I do occasionally have thoughts about meeting the perfect woman who I have that spark/connection with. Where I get her and she gets me. Where we can just shut our minds off and talk and vibe and the communication just happens without thinking about it. Where we just pull it out of each other effortlessly. Jokes and conversation is spontaneous and we can talk for hours without stopping or sit comfortably in silence without feeling pressure to say anything at all.

It’s very rare and I can count on one hand the people I’ve experienced this with. Even rarer is with a woman, but those women were ‘stud’ type females. Don’t get me wrong, I have good friends, both male and female, but that special vibe just isn’t there with most of them. Of the ones that I do have it with, we could go months or years without speaking, but when we talk, it’s like we never left. I guess we’re somehow on very similar frequencies and instead of walking away feeling drained (as in introvert)….i actually feel energized. This happened occasionally when I used to drive ride share, but I usually never exchanged information with these people.

I did meet a woman when I tried the online dating thing where we seemed to have this vibe. Somehow and I don’t know how, we were just able to joke around and build up off of each others jokes. I guess the attraction wasn’t there and I wasn’t trying to chase and neither was she. TBH, I just wanted a hook up and she wanted more. But I think that if I were to ever take a chance and try to ‘wife’ someone, it would be with someone who I just have that natural spark with.

That said though, I’d like to know that she didn’t have that same spark with other people. I think that some people have magnetic personalities which allow them to connect with a lot of people like that. I wouldn’t like that as it wouldn’t seem special….and given the fact that I’m looking for it, I’d worry that I’m not that special to them which could lead to a very one sided relationship.

The guys with charming/charismatic personalities are usually the “fuck boys”/narcissists and generally have this ability. I’m sure that there are also some women like that and I’d hate to be the male version of one of those people who fell for the charm and get played in the process.

So yeah, beyond being a ‘face’ guy (as opposed to a breast or ass guy)….I think I’m a vibe guy. A connection guy….. as long as she looks at least average. I think that one of the things that attracted me to sTBXW so strongly is that I thought we had that connection. We used to text all day, talk all night, and seemed to never run out of anything to say. I’m not sure what happened though. Despite her not going deep on certain topics or subjects, I didn’t hold it against her because we seemed to be able to just flow with it. She seemed interested in what I was saying even if she didn’t have much to add to certain topics. I didn’t get the impression she was a “fuck girl”/narc based on how her family talked about her to me though.

Perhaps this is one of the dangers of “being in love”. It stands to reason that perhaps there is some sort of brain chemistry/ vibe connection that comes into play while “in love.” Maybe this “high” allows you to be able to “think on your toes” similar to how cocaine and other dopamine based drugs allow you to be “johnny on the spot.” And if this is the case, then maybe this connection is a short lived one and not so special after all. I’d like for it to last for a lifetime. It’s the stuff that “happily after ever” is made of. But perhaps nature has indeed played a cruel trick on us.

If this is the case, then this could be the answer as to how it is that me and STBXW used to be able to communicate so effortlessly and easily, yet now, it’s a struggle for me to think of anything meaningful (outside of kiddo, business, or hurt) to say to her. Or maybe she is a “fuck girl”.

Maybe I have to accept the idea that “love”/”chemistry” comes and it goes. If this is true, then it really doubles my resolve to not expect long term commitment from a woman. Given her proclivity to either move on at your expense when she’s no longer happy…..or stay in a situation where she’s “unhappy” out of duty….. There seems to be no win. While ideally she would remain “happy”. I’d be ok with her being perfectly content with loyalty over complete happiness in the latter case.

Because I don’t know, I can hold on the to hope that perhaps STBXW was an anomaly and perhaps it is possible to find that long standing connection. I do not know the odds of finding that connection unless I put myself out there though. Perhaps this is another reason why it’s important to shoot your shot as often as possible and not fear rejection. Rejection / Crashing and burning is just a way to weed out the ones who I don’t have that connection with…..and given how rare it has been, then I should expect that most interactions will either crash and burn or be mediocre… fraught with a little luck and lot of mental effort.

In other words, when the right one appears, the conversation should just naturally flow, the interaction will just ‘feel’ right and my brain will just know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. But again, this can’t happen unless I take the chance.

The algorithms are making me really dislike women and not want to even put the effort in which makes it dangerous. But as they say, you miss ALL of the shots you don’t take. Deep down I do hope there is such thing as a soul mate, yet logic tells me that this may or may not be the case. All I can do at this point is continue to be the best version of myself and continuously strive for improvement. My biggest concern right now in approaching is just not having anything funny or relevant to say, but if i put myself into those situations anyway, if she’s right for me, then my brain won’t make it weird. I’ve done it before, sometimes crashing and burning, sometimes doing ok, sometimes killing it so there doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to any of this.

I do believe that with more practice and more experience I could eventually get a place like pick up artists who: from experience, know the ins and outs of these types of social interactions enough to make most approaches golden…. though, I’m not really interested in fucking all the hoes. I really just want the one who’s right for me. However, getting good at approaching and increasing my odds of getting laid isn’t a bad consolation prize.

But if I don’t find that right one, I’m ok with being alone or being the ‘stand in’/ “Mr. Right now” guy for the women I don’t have that connection with.

Headbutting a Brick Wall

I’m starting to think that my home girl is lost cause. But I like talking to her because she has the mentality of many modern women. After reconnecting after many years, we’ve been talking/texting for a few months now. We decided to friendzone each other and tbh, I’m cool with that. They say that a man and a woman can’t be friends, but I disagree. I’d smash, but it’s not like I’m going out of my way to and she’d have to hit me up and ask me. Even then though….at this point, I don’t think so.

That said, I like talking to her because we can discuss men/woman relationships in a way where we don’t have to worry about offending or scaring the other person off. I think it’s a good idea to have a female friend like this because she can offer insights into how many modern women think.

She tells me about her dating frustrations with men and tbh, I can see how she’s fucking up. She’s not a terrible person, but her views on men and relationships are completely off the wall. I try to offer her insight from a man’s perspective, but she just won’t listen. It’s frustrating at times because she likes to tell me how things should be and I tell her how things are.

I told her about the redpill and the frustrations that men have with modern black women. However, instead of listening, taking it in, and considering my points of view, she likes to poke holes into what I’m saying. It’s hilariously frustrating to see her do exactly what I tell her that many women do in real time as she denies that she’s doing it.

I once told her that one frustration that men have is that women tend to deflect when men have complaints about women. She immediately responds with, well men don’t listen. I figured maybe she didn’t understand what I meant by deflect so I said that deflection means that when I tell you an issue that I have, instead of addressing that issue, you immediately counter with an issue you have with me. “You’re literally doing it right now”.

We can talk about the problems you have with me (men) later, but that isn’t the topic right now. Despite having that conversation about 20 times, she still does it….like it’s just an instinct and she can’t help herself. Often times, when trying to make a point, I’ll cut her off before she responds and say “before u say us men do x,y,z. Think about what I just said.”

Another one is that even though she wants to be in a relationship with a man, she absolutely refuses to try to gain an understanding of what men’s problems with modern women are. No matter how much I’ve tried to put her on to red pill content creators, she seems completely incapable of understanding why it would be important to at least ‘understand’ men’s frustrations. I tell her that she doesn’t have to agree with it, but just gain an understanding. Instead she refuses and just dismisses it as men just being sheep and following trends.

If I wanted a relationship with a woman and I was frustrated with my results, I think I’d like to understand where women were coming from….even if I didn’t agree… I really don’t know how she doesn’t see this as beneficial….

Another example, she often tells me of an ex who verbally abused her by yelling and screaming at her. I took it at face value and didn’t ask what she did to provoke him to get to that point…..but later she tells me that she does have a sharp tongue and had a problem with speaking to people in a cutting/disrespectful way. When I tell her about accountability, she immediately jumps in the “well men…..”

She also triggers my mistrust of women by saying that she believes that marriage is about happiness and if she isn’t happy then she isn’t going to be in a relationship. To me, that’s a red flag that if things go wrong in a marriage, she’s going to stop giving sex (as she says she would). I tell her that this is what men mean when we say that women weaponize sex. Her response, men thinks that sex will fix everything. Me, no we don’t, but it keeps us bonded….Her: well it just makes a woman resentful. Me: So it seems that refusing to have sex isn’t going to help and it makes us feel rejected and worse, it increases the temptation for us to cheat. Her: Yall just sex crazed.

Another issue we can’t seem to resolve is the whole friends with benefits is wasting a woman’s time debate. Even more, she says that I am using women for sex if I don’t plan on getting into a real “relationship” with her. To me that’s rediculous. She might have a point if I was future faking or promising a relationship…..but just because I like to do relationship ish type things doesn’t mean that I want a relationship. Especially if I make it clear that I don’t want one.

If a woman wants to keep dealing with me after I’ve told her that I don’t do the relationship thing, then that’s on her. I don’t treat her bad, but I avoid relationships like the plague because women once your status changes, their expectations change. I don’t mind doing things to try to make a woman happy, but I do not want to make it my job or responsibility. Big difference.

Besides, what’s a bigger waste of time, being married for 10 years and leaving it because you’re unhappy or simply never getting in one in the first place. I asked her how did her past failed relationships benefit her any more than if they were just ‘friends’ the whole time. She got insulted and took it to mean that she can’t keep a man. I wasn’t going there, but….now that she mentions it…..

Her favorite line is “if he don’t want me, he don’t want my kitty kat.” I’m thinking he must don’t want yo that kitty kat then because if all that comes with it, then I’ll pass. She seems to think that a man should just like hanging out with a woman for some reason. I tried to hip her to the idea that men generally tolerate women outside of business or family in hopes that we’ll get some, but for the most part, we aren’t just hanging out to be buddy buddy.

But, of course she wants a man who she can leverage sex into getting her way. She’s so used to it that she probably doesn’t even realize it’s happening.

Now that i’m older, i realize that’s a sucker move, but to her it’s how men should act. In my personal experience and by watching men with girlfriends/women, the woman tends to do what she wants to do and the man follows along like a puppy dog catering to her in order to keep her happy. I’m like wtf am I doing just hanging out with a woman….. “spilling the tea” and getting petticures or something. Watching hgtv, reality tv, and the cooking network. Watching her shop for clothes and gossiping about people’s relationships?

Most women don’t like to do the activities that I like to do….and it’s like pulling teeth to get them to do anything they don’t want to do. What does she want me do….. unless we’re laid up, about to lay up, or just got through laying up…..I’d be faking it by saying I want to just hang out. I find it a bit narcisisstic to think that a woman wants to bask in her glory or something. I don’t know if all men feel like this, but being a bit of an introvert, I don’t really hang around with anyone like that.

If do hang around male friends, we’re doing activities, working out and/or drinking, freestyling, talking shit, playing video games or watching anime or something. Women just aren’t that fun to hang around simply for the fuck of it to me. It’s ok ocassionally, but not like something I just like to do.

She seems to think that men should just like being around her. She’s cool I guess, but ….no. She wants a man servant and not man. I don’t think she realizes how emotionally draining it is just hanging out with a woman and trying to keep her entertained. It’s already hard talking to her as much as I do sometimes because she likes to argue and be right all the time. Most of my male friends listen to understand first and we can agree on a lot of shit before we get the part where we start disagreeing. She’s combative from the gate and picks apart every little detail (often going on tangents that have little to do with the overall topic) in order “be right.” It can get frustrating.

Despite this and never apologizing for admitting she may be wrong about something in our thousands of texts between each other, she says that she doesn’t have a “need to be right”. Again, “the need to be right” is not considering that you could be wrong about something and being open to new information. She just doesn’t seem to get this. I tell her that I’m not just flinging insults and accusations at her, but I really need her to see/ or at least consider what I’m saying. She usually never does. I don’t know why try sometimes. But i do see how she would need simp as a man in her life to tell her what she wants to hear and just let her feel right and be wrong.

Collapsing in

I had a conversation with STBXW last night where we were talking about the future. (She still hasn’t sent me the divorce papers). In it, I told her that at first, I was really upset about everything, but now I come to realize that it doesn’t matter who she is seeing now. I know the truth and while she may fool them. We know what happened between us. And that in the end, I shouldn’t feel bad because it isn’t like I’m losing a good woman anyway. And that despite what she thinks about herself, a good woman wouldn’t have singlehandedly destroyed her home, betrayed her husband, and disrespected her son’s father for dick and attention. And….seeing the importance of our family to our kid, would have tried to at least fix it before burning it all down to the ground…..for dick, attention, and selfish reasons.

I’ve been working on trying not to get emotional with her, but she called on video phone and while talking about issues related to kiddo….I asked to see the air-bnb she was currently residing in. She declined saying that she felt I was “fishing” for information. I wasn’t, but this is how the whole conversation about it not mattering to what she does as 1)i’m powerless to stop it and 2)she’s doing it anyway came about.

Despite my words and her not having a rebuttal, I am wondering if she’ll ever regret it. I don’t think so. Even if karma comes and kicks her in the face with a steel toe boot, she won’t regret doing this to me or our family. She either feels justified or has lied to herself enough to not think about all the implications.

This is what scares me about modern women. Their seeming ability to shut off any reasoning, ration, and logic if it interferes with how she “feels” about something. You can’t reason with a person like that and the only way I know to get to them is through physical force. Obviously this isn’t a good idea for many reasons. But as men, if we can’t reason with one another or one is acting too emotionally, there is always a threat of physical violence. We call men who act like this “bitch ass niggas” for a reason. Dudes like this threaten order and generally aren’t tolerated too well in men’s spaces for long. One is expected to be able to control his emotions and rely on reasoning to justify his behavior. Otherwise a fight might just ensue. But i digress.

It’s like modern women really want marriage, but it doesn’t really mean to them what it means to me. It’s just another experience to them. For me it’s supposed to be a life long thing. It’s about fighting through the ups and downs and figuring out a way to make it work. It’s bigger than just me. It’s about us and our family. The does not give one party the right to rest on their heels because “I got you now”. But it means that we are to work together because divorce is the nuclear option and that only comes when one person really isn’t holding it down after repeated attempts to get them to tighten up.

Their attitude it seems is that we’ll give it a try and if it doesn’t work, then oh well, on to the next one. Why would I want to enter into such an arduous and long endeavor with a person who’s commitment is tepid at best. Nowhere in the vows does it say that my commitment is valid until I’m no longer having fun, someone better comes along, or I’m bored. Many don’t understand honor and true commitment. Love is just a feeling to them. Usually based on attraction or superficial reasons.

They are just too flaky for me. To me, marriage is about commitment and obligation. It’s about giving more than receiving and being ok with that. Not saying that the giving should be one sided, but I think that the expectation shouldn’t be that it’s going to be all sunshine and roses. They feel that they should reserve the right to give up and quit because they don’t feel like doing it anymore. Yet, they will work their 9 to 5’s and do whatever necessary to bring home that paycheck….even if they are miserable at it.

Ironically, my homegirl doesn’t see the irony in this and wonders why men like me are not really interested in committing to a woman. She says I’m wasting time by not committing. I say that a woman with her mentality is wasting man’s time because somewhere down the road, the odds are that she’s going to discover that marriage isn’t the finish line. It’s just the beginning. It’s an ultra marathon and not a 40 yard dash.

I don’t think that most modern women are built for marriage. Not one that lasts anyway and many exude the red flags that indicate they would make terrible life partners. STBXW isn’t alone in her mentality and it seems that the rise of “independent” women is actually more detrimental to the nuclear home than anything else I can imagine. Independent western women are selfish, self centered, defensive, arrogant, and hard to get along with in an intimate space because they feel they don’t need you. You’re just an accessory to them. Simps who will take them on due to their beauty or due to the fact they are lonely despite their poor dispositions and immorality makes it worse. Society today is breeding materialism and narcissism. It seems that most modern women (and many men to be fair) are buying into it hook, line, and sinker.

Some call me bitter, but ever since I took the red pill, I don’t think I can see most women the same again. It’s really like waking up out of the matrix. I don’t really believe what most of them say….not that I think they are lying per se…. but I think many believe what they say in the moment, but when rubber meets the road, they are incapable of standing on it. They lie to themselves, believe the lies, and when exposed, they simply blameshift, deflect or simply lie to others. They take no accountability and are perpetually playing the victim card despite their own poor choices and selfish behaviors. Many are very much like grown children from that aspect.

I’m starting to see why men in the past didn’t trust women much or want to give them much power. It’s not like they are less capable from an intellectual perspective, but their selfishness and dedication to themselves above others make most of them incapable of being trusted with power. If nuclear families are the building blocks of a civilization and independent women generally destroy them when given power, then it’s not really surprising the society is collapsing into degeneracy and chaos. It won’t be outside nations that causes the collapse of civilization, but the modern independent woman and her sworn dedication to the pursuit of her personal happiness (another fleeting emotion) at the cost whoever stands in her way.

It could be worse?

I came across an article this weekend that more accurately describes STBXW. I think that emotionally immature is a better way to describe her actions. There are some similarities between narcissim and emotional immaturity. But the main difference is that I truly don’t believe that she intentionally is playing games for domination or power.

I think that she really lacks empathy and the ability to see the bigger picture. She lacks self reflection and even though her intent may not be malicious, she cannot understand how her actions affect others. She doesn’t truly understand higher principles like honor, respect, and family values. Some people are just like that and unfortunately, I didn’t vet her enough to figure this out.

That said, I judge her, but it’s unfair in a way. It’s like judging a blind person for being unable to see. Their lack of vision doesn’t make them a terrible person. Just not good for certain jobs. I have to take responsibility and understand that if i should ever fall in love, I need to make sure that we are on the same page. Looking back, I never thought she was a deep person, but since we’ve been estranged, I have come across certain women (not many, but a few) who I think would have been better suited for marriage to me.

I think that we were in love with each other at one time. But I don’t think that we ever had that deep soul connection that I would yearn for in a lifelong partner. Looking back, there were times I felt dissatisfied at the things we’d disagree on and wondered how she thought so differently about things. Examples include her wanting breast implants, her not understanding the importance of putting the marriage over her friendships, she feeling the importance of putting kiddo in a private school, despite us living in one of the top public school disctricts, her lack of transparency with her income, her feeling a certain way about “loaning” a small amount of money to family members in need, her desiring an expensive house beyond what we could afford at the time…..and so forth. To me, she seemed more concerned with living a lifestyle than a life. More concerned about the house, than the home so to speak.

Now I cannot judge her for her preferences in any of those things. I don’t have a problem with her wanting those things, but I probably wouldn’t have ‘wifed’ her though….as our values and beliefs are so diametrically opposed. But because I was dedicated and very much ‘in love’ with her, I was willing to overlook those things. I did not anticipate that those preferences indicated something deeper that would ultimately break us apart…..and because our connection wasn’t really that deep, communication wasn’t that strong, and values unaligned, we were unable to repair any breaks or fissures in the relationship. The only glue holding us together at this point is our love for Kiddo. If not for him, I’m sure we both would have moved on without looking back.

This is the danger of being ‘in love’….it can blind you to the reality that you’re really not all that compatible with a person. Once that feeling wears off AND if your values don’t align, it’s just a matter of time before misery enters in and both parties feel dissatisfied. In our case, she fell out of love first, checked out, and attempted to move on without me. It hurt and felt disrespectful because I was her husband and to make matters worse, because we had a family, I couldn’t just walk away. Her affair was likely an exit affair…..and it left me alone, angered, bewildered, and bitter due to the fact that it seemed that as my world was falling apart, her new “in love” feeling guaranteed that she didn’t care about how it made me feel. I felt reject, dejected, emasculated, abandoned, and discarded. It was as if she didn’t care about me, how I was there for her, our family,history, or friendship, my self dignity or the fact that I had never done her wrong. I just couldn’t understand how she didn’t value our nuclear family and could simply walk away into another man’s arms….as if it all meant nothing.

I don’t know if I am wrong for this, but during the worst times of my suffering, I felt that I was more upset about losing our family more than I was about losing HER per say. I think that I loved our family more than I loved her…though I did love her and would do anything for her. But the idea of losing her was something I think I could have handled much easier. But the idea of how to tell our young son that the life we had was no longer going be just crushed me. Love comes and it goes, but family….. man that was hard….and though we haven’t outright told him yet, I think he knows that the writing is on the wall. He has to know, now that he’s a bit older that something just isn’t right.

In her waywardness, she has now become a stranger to me. I barely know her anymore, but from what I do know, I don’t think she’s the type of woman I’d wife again. I can’t see how I could fall “in love” with her all over again. Our incompatibilites are just too apparent, there is too much water under the bridge, and though I do find her somewhat still physically attractive…..that attraction is superficial. I don’t find her appealing from a mental, spiritual, or emotional level. I think she can sense it now, though she probably doesn’t care…..I used to think that once I emotionally disconnected, she’d come back…..but it’s been so long and now I don’t think so. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen and there is no way back for us. The connection is gone.

The part now is working through my anger and trying to get over the fact that she hurt and disrespected me destroyed our family so callously without remorse or repentance. I have to overcome this desire to want to see karma or revenge against her. The desire to prove that she was wrong for this and should take accountability. Yet in the end, it seems that this desire hurts me more in the end as she continues to live her life as if she has done nothing wrong….feeling nothing…..and believing she still deserves an ending befitting of a ‘good’ person. This tells me that she just isn’t right for me. Perhaps this was a lesson. Maybe it was my karma that I’m burning off. Maybe I deserved this for something I did in a past life or something as I truly don’t understand what I could have done to deserve so much pain.

But the reality is that people go thru worse shit all the time. Parents lose kids. Close people die. People catch terminal disease or suffer with life long health conditions. Abject poverty is out there. Kids working for pennies in sweatshops. Millions of Jews experienced the holocaust. Many of my ancestors experienced slavery and jim crow and all the bullshit that went along with that. The great depression happened. The black plague happened. Genghis khan. Pol Pot. Jeffery Dahmer’s victims and their families. Wars happen and people lose their homes and ways of life. We dropped a nuke on hiroshima and nagasaki….911… Southside of Chicago….. Hong Kong…..North Korea…..Ukraine…..There are people dying of starvation……people get abducted, abused, raped, sold into slavery…….millions of people throughout history have lived dreadful lives and died in fear and pain…..

In short, all sorts of evils befall man… many who don’t seem to deserve it. And many would lose a limb to swap and go through what I’m going through instead. Tbh, I’d rather go through this than any of those things. Most other aspects of my life are pretty good and for that I am grateful and truly blessed. I’ve been a pussy about this. I’m not special. As my grandfather used to say, “thank God it is as good as it is.”

Breaking the Chain

I used to hear stories about how women in physically violent relationships often went back to their abusers. I chalked it up to them being stupid and never thought much further about it. After researching narcisstic abuse, I’ve learned that people become addicted to their abusers based on trauma bonds. Again, not saying that STBXW is a narc (clinically), but she does have a lot of the toxic traits associated with them in relation to me. So, in addition to the fact that we have a child together, my desire to protect him as much as possible from the fallout of splitting our home, and a possible trauma bond that developed, it shouldn’t have been surprising that this has been a long journey for me.

I think I’m getting closer to the apathy level. Between the stories about terrible ‘wives’ who abandon their families and modern talk panels that feature selfish modern women’s views on how their happiness supercedes the well being of their families have helped me realize that this is a common occurance and that I’m not alone. On a side note, a guy on one of the panels summed up what I’ve been wanting to articulate succicently. He said that once his child was born, life wasn’t just about him anymore, it was about the well being of his family and children.

This directly opposes the ‘modern selfish woman’s’ view that she has to be “happy” before the child can be happy. These types of women aren’t interesting to me insofar is starting a family with and are “for the streets” in my opinion. This revelation is important to me because it helps further disconnect me from STBXW. In the movies, these types of women don’t change until they are much older in life. It’s like they cannot see how their selfishness affects others and frankly don’t care. This representation of them also aligns with the notion that narcissists never change unless they get help. Despite her actions, STBXW doesn’t think that she carries those traits…..even when I confronted her with videos, descriptions (that align with her behavior), and stories….she seems to either be dismissive or uninterested. In short, she’s a lost cause.

The next step is obviously to detangle the loose ends as she’s never coming back. While I don’t see marriage on the horizon anytime soon, I need to get the divorce because it does limit my options as far as getting a wife. I used to worry about what if she finds someone else, but now I realize that she’ll be their problem. Good luck with that. And even if luck is on her side, then

As for me, I don’t want to run the streets and have random hook ups. Even though I don’t know how a woman can actually benefit me directly, I do want to love someone exclusively and possibly have another child or two. Next time though, I have to ask better questions and be careful to not fall for a pretty face and pleasant demeanor. Covert narcs live in those spaces.

For the first time in a long time, I’m actually excited about the future and the possibilites of a better life. I know that there will still be a few more rainy days, but it does look like the skies are clearing up and I can feel the sun from behind the clouds.

Missing Flags

I still don’t see how I missed the red flags with STBXW. I think this may be a reason for my trust and insecurity issues. She just didn’t seem like the type of woman who would be on that type of time. Here are the things that put my guard down around her:

She didn’t go out much. She wasn’t loud and abrasive. She doesn’t party a lot nor drink too much or have drug issues. She didn’t seem materialistic insofar as buying expensive brands. She dressed pretty modestly. Didn’t/rarely wore makeup. No weaves or wigs. She had been cheated on in a previous relationship, so we talked pretty extensively about how terrible it felt. She said that she did not want to raise a child in a single parent household. Her male cousins told me that she is a ‘good girl’….and I was lucky to find someone like her. (i didn’t ask, nor need their approval, and they had no incentive really to say such things if it were not from their perspectives). She didn’t seem selfish as she would sometimes drive an hour away to visit me, wake up the next morning and drive directly to her job. It seemed that she was really into me.

The only things I can say that kind of gave me red flags was that in the beginning, on the weekends, she sometimes didn’t answer my calls…..but we weren’t official yet and i chalked my doubts up to possible insecurity. She never really contributed to deep questions about life so we never had really deep conversations. But I figured it was just me overthinking things as usual….. and usually, she’d just listen when I went there. This wasn’t alarming to me as I don’t expect everyone to be interested in talking about things like that. She wasn’t expecting or feel entitled to me buying her anything or taking her on dates. She didn’t mind just spending time doing whatever, as long as we were together. She was really sweet and I remember thinking that she might be a little naive. I thought it was endearing though and I felt that I needed to protect her in certain ways.

Looking back, parts of her story didn’t make sense. Like, she had led me to beleive that she and her ex fiance had been broken up for a few months….yet she was still working on getting money back from a wedding reception. But then again, that could happen. I never considered the idea of me being a rebound though….I didn’t think about stuff like that back then.

Between being attracted to her as ‘my type’ physically, the ease at which our conversation used to flow, and not seeing any major red flags, I didn’t stand a chance. I was head over heels and felt for the first time in my life, I’d move heaven and earth for this chick.

This is a scary proposition because what on earth could have caused her to completely switch up on me like that. Granted I may have not been perfect, possibly could have been more ambitious and a better leader….maybe I was too beta OR either too far gone (in love)……but I’d think that even if she fell out of love with me, she had the moral fortitude to either communicate her dissatisfaction and gave us a chance (for our family’s sake) OR she would have divorced me for x,y,z reasons. I know I treated her right, even if she wasn’t happy with lack of ambition (which I didn’t know at the time).

The cheating was unnecessary. The humiliation she put me through was overkill. The lying and betrayal seemed so far out of my perceived character of her that I was completely blindsided by it.

I’ve never been a jealous man or at least I never try to display it….unless jokingly to keep it spicy and start up some shit…..but usually it’s clear that I’m just joking….I’m act no more jealous of my lover than I did with her…..so I don’t think this was an issue.

A few concerns, looking back is that I do believe that I did love her a little bit more than she loved me. The day I was going to propose to her, I asked her….”do you really love me” a few hours beforehand…..and she sort of looked at me asked why I was acting so weird before confirming that she did….I don’t know why this stands out to me for some reason. Another was that I didn’t learn about her “best male friend” until after we were married. I had no clue this guy existed. Maybe she mentioned his name once or twice, but she never said anything about it being like a best friend or anything. Maybe a good friend she grew up with, but I don’t recall ever having a conversation about him let alone meeting him. He didn’t stand out at all as a threat until I caught them texting “I love you” in a few of her text messages. But this was a year or two into the marriage.

She dismissed it as just him being her best friend and I told her I felt it was inappropriate. She agreed and agreed to stop. Her aunt vouched for the guy when I asked her about him, but I still remember thinking it was strange that he wasn’t invited to meet me, or come to our wedding, and didn’t visit our son until many years after he was born. For a “best friend” this seemed strange to me. When I brought up why she didn’t invite him to the wedding she said….because she didn’t want him to “act up” because his relationship has just failed. It never made sense to me either, but I trusted her so didn’t really press too hard on it…. but I always had suspiscions about this guy even though I didn’t say too much about him.

During her affair, she moved to New York on a travel assignment and started acting really strange right before she left. I guess she forgot to sign out of facebook messenger on my phone and I started getting notifications from some guy. At first I thought he had the wrong person and I was going to text back, but then I noticed the bubbles by her name meaning that she was on another device texting back. In it, the guy was being very flirty and she was responding back in kind. This threw me for a loop. I let it go on for a while to see where she was going with it. I waited until she returned from NY and confronted her with the messages and she apologized…..saying it was nothing, just some innocent flirting from an old friend she saw at a party in NYC. I didn’t even know she was going out to a party….anyway that’s another story….long story short, her changed behavior and lack of transparancy led me to do something I promised I wouldn’t do which is read her diary which she left behind.

In it, she confessed to sleeping with her “best friend” a year or two before all this went down. In it she said that once she slept with him, she felt that her feelings for me had changed. She realized that she was ‘unhappy’. I hadn’t noticed a change in her…..but I did notice that sex between us in that past year seemed….i don’t know….different. Like we were both not as into it. I remember once we were doing it and I had to turn the TV off because I wanted to finish watching while we were doing it and it was distracting me. We didn’t seem as connected, but I chalked it up to just being married for a long time. I also always had a higher sex drive than her, so around the end, when she started rejecting me for sex, i wasn’t too alarmed until it happened a few times in a row. We went to counseling over that and that’s where she got the idea to start journaling.

Her “best friend” wasn’t her affair partner though. So by the time her AP rolled around, this was the second time she cheated on me. I just didn’t know about it. That same year, before all of this went down, she finally did invite him out to meet us. She had slept with him by that time. How fucked up is that she invited that man to our home, had me shake his hand, and let him pick our our son after that. Why the fuck would she invite that guy to our home knowing she had sex with him while we were married? I didn’t find out that she slept with him until after the fact, otherwise, he definitely wouldn’t have set foot across my doorstep.

Between this betrayal, the way she brutally cheated with her first affair partner, and all the lies that I’ve caught her in since then…..She’s like a totally different person. Her mentality has changed completely and I don’t recognize her anymore. She’s no longer that beautiful woman that I married. She’s colder, more manipulative, and deceptive. I’ve caught her in so many lies, that I really don’t ask anything that she may have an incentive to lie about because, who the fuck knows if she’s telling the truth or not. She’s more argumentative and combative. More secretive. I know snooping is bad, but I had a bad case of it at one time. I’ve learned that she apparently doesn’t mind playing side chick to a guy with kids. As far as I see, both of her longest lasting APs had main girls and children with them, yet she knowingly and aggressively pursues them…..even to the point where one asked her to stop texting him so much. On a side note, I saw a comment on a video once that said, noone pursues you more aggressively than a fat or cheating married woman. I can confirm. Duly noted.

I’m often wondering, how the fuck did I miss all the red flags…..or did she just change. This worries me about future relationships. The close family and friends who know who supported me throughout this say that they didn’t see this coming from her….though my closest cousin told me he that he could tell that it seemed that I loved her a little more. Based on how her family interacts with her, I’m pretty sure they’d be surprised if they knew the truth about her. From what I can tell, they all loved me and thought I was a great husband and father. They told me without me having to ask. So yeah, I honestly thought I was doing a pretty decent job.

The worst part in all of this, for me is that she never really offered any explanation nor a real sincere apology. She hurt me to a traumatic level….way more than anyone ever has. She has caused me more pain than I’ve ever felt by far. Had me wanting to end it all because I just wanted the pain to stop. It’s taking longer to get over this than I’d like to admit….

And it seems to have had the effect of not wanting to trust anyone with my heart again. I don’t think it is fair to the next woman……but with no apparent way to distinguish the good from the bad…..I don’t know how I could ever just trust or want to be in love again

Protection or Insecurity?

My lover and I had a real discussion on about what it would look like to be in a relationship as she’s starting to pressure me to either shit or get off the pot so to speak. She tells me how when she’s on business or school trips, she goes out to parties or clubs, get very drunk, then handles her business the next day.

I told her that if I were her “man”, I don’t think I’d be very comfortable with that. In my opinion, it’s not a good look because if she gets drunk/sometimes black out drunk…..who knows what can happen. Cheating is a deal breaker for me and I don’t care if it was an accidental….oh i got wasted, we were having fun, and the next thing you know, we ended up hooking up. My thing is that even if you didn’t start off with the intention of doing that…. a few drinks, a few intimate moments, fun times, mixed with alcohol can lead to spontaneous sex. Worst case scenario is if a guy decides to take advantage of her. I don’t like the idea of her willfully placing herself into temptation nor into a vulnerable situation. Even though I don’t like her doing that now, she’s single and I don’t have any right to say anything about it. I haven’t said anything in the past outside of (be careful) because I feel as if I didn’t have the right to and I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression.

But I told her that if I were her “man”, I wouldn’t like that and was using that as an example of how things might change if we were to get into a committed and serious relationship. She didn’t take that well and implied that I’d be acting insecure if I were to be that way. She says that I, as her man, should trust her. … and this is where she does indeed raise a good point….although i do disagree.

Perhaps it is insecurity. I don’t want to be cheated on. What if she were to get pregnant or catch an STD. If she did wake up in a druken haze next to someone after a heavy night of drinking….realizing it was a “mistake”…would she even tell me. For me, it’s about not putting yourself into temptation or placing yourself in vulnerable situations. It’s about respect. Who wants to known as “that guy” who wifed the party girl that seems easy.

The catch 22 is that she mainly looks at it as me not trusting her or fearing that I’ll get cheated on. I asked how she would feel if I was out getting wasted with colleagues of both sexes and out partying and drinking with them. She said that as long as it was a mixed group…..she’d be ok with it. But, I asked….what’s /who’s to stop any two or three people from separating from hooking up on the low. What if in our drunken state, one of the girls asked me to come to her room for whatever…..we’re alone, we’re laughing, we’re in a good mood, and we’re drunk… beer goggles and everything. inhibitions down….. My biggest point is that we shouldn’t put ourselves into temptation like that.

As a man, I feel that part of “protecting” her is to prevent scenarios like this from happening. If the roles were reversed, I think I’d understand why she’d have concerns about this. However, maybe she truly wouldn’t. And maybe I am insecure. She doesn’t have the baggage of savagely being cheated on as I do.

Maybe this is further proof that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to be together. Maybe I do need more healing. If I get a woman, I need her to be my peace, not a trigger point of doubt. But I also know that if a person wants to cheat they will and make it look like they’re not. Still though, why put yourself in temptation. I know that I cannot and should not attempt to change her behavior. If she wants to party and get down like that…and I know that’s just who she is….it doesn’t seem right to expect or require any different out of her.

I really wanted to convey that I think it’s a bad idea to put yourself into temptation….especially when in a committed relationship…..but I think I came across more as saying I’d be insecure. Based on previous conversations dealing with married women she knows, it seems that their husbands are actually ok with this kind of behavior. For me, I wouldn’t want a girl or wifey who engages in this type of behavior. I think it’s disrespectful, reckless, and dangerous. I mean an every once in a while, I might be ok with it…..but with her, this seems to happen more frequently than I’d be comfortable with. Perhaps a man who is ok with this behavior would be more well suited for her.

If it is indeed the case that I am being insecure about this though, then maybe I need to rethink the standards I hold myself to. Maybe it is ok to put myself into temptation. I think that if I am wrong, a part of me wants to rebel. I fear that part of this rebellion is that I want to prove her (and people who think like her) wrong…..put myself into temptation, and fall for it….just to say that I was right.

I would perhaps be creating a self fulfilling prophecy in the process. I could give myself a pass because….after all…..they all said that it should be fine and they were wrong. This would be intellectually dishonest though. Ironically, my level of temptation would likely increase because of my ego wanting to tell everyone…see I told you so. This would actually make it worse if I were to fall because I feel that I “knew” better while they just didn’t get it.

These types of questions really help me further realize that we really are better off as friends…..and if she wants to take things to the next level, then it would probably better if we part ways. I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong, but neither do I think I am.

Maybe I am insecure. Maybe cheating shouldn’t be as big a deal as I make it. And if this is the case, I mean if noone else thinks that it is…..then why be faithful. I’m only handicapping myself. Maybe what they don’t know won’t hurt them. As long as I treat her right and make her happy we’re good.

What good is honesty anyway? If I cheat, she doesn’t know, and she’s happy, then she’s good. If I don’t cheat and yet, she’s unhappy, she’s bound to leave anyway. If she finds out, she becomes unhappy and probably wants to leave. But if she is THAT unhappy about it, it would cause me to question if I could trust her….even if I did break the trust…it is broken I am free to leave as well.

My dad cheated on my mom….a lot…and it really hurt her and maybe that’s another reason why I am so against it. I told myself I’d never do that to someone. But really, maybe it isn’t the end of the world. Why does it matter anyway? Life aint always fair so IF i do it to you, you can choose to stay or leave, but if you do it me, then most likely …. I’m out. Perhaps we dont owe each other anything including fidelity, but even if we give each other our “word” then so what.

If I gotta hide some shit sometimes then so be it. Maybe I need to update my views on relationships in general. Maybe it really is all about my happiness and I should take a page from STBXW, it’s only cheating if the other person finds out. Like i said, if she were to find herself in a “oops” situation, I seriously doubt she’d tell me. She’d likely justify keeping it a secret by saying that it “meant nothing”.

That’s a lot to have to digest. Maybe it would be better if I could find someone with more similar views to me on this. If this were the only issue we didn’t see eye to eye on, then maybe we could work something out. Am I being insecure…..maybe, but she’s not helping. I just don’t see how it’s beneficial to have me worrying…but me worrying is a reflection of me….mostly afraid of getting cheated on again.

I don’t know, maybe I should just assume that everyone does sometimes and just go for it myself. As far as this issue goes, asking me to trust her on this is like asking me to trust a drunk person to drive me from here to there safely. While they may be able to handle themselves behind the wheel drunk, I just don’t know.

I was going to wear a seatbelt anyway.