My lover keeps giving me an ultimatum. Give her a ring or she will have to move on. She doesn’t know who she’s fucking with. I’m not Billy Badass, but in all reality, I understand where she’s coming from. We’ve been talking for a while now and I never would have thought in a million years that 6 years later, we’d be still talking. We’ve been talking for about as long as things were actually good between me and STBXW.

Time flies quickly. Unfortunately for her, I am really not any closer to wanting to marry her than I was back then. To be honest, I am really surprised that she held on for this long and throughout our entire duration, I figured that any day would be the last. I kind of always figured that eventually, she’d move on.

I do love her don’t get me wrong. But i cannot figure out how to make it work between us. I have baggage. Kiddo is a packaged deal. It’s a non negotiable for me. She isn’t asking me to forsake him, but I haven’t figured out a way to integrate her into our lives. It doesn’t help that STBXW still hasn’t signed the papers for the noncontested divorce yet. I’m on my third try with this and she isn’t being cooperative. I think it has less to do with her wanting to ‘hold on’ to me and more to do with it’s just not convenient for her to do so. She just hasn’t found anyone else to put pressure on her to do so. Her ‘relationships’ so far appear to have been casual (for the guys anyway) at best. Given her tendency to procrastinate and put things off to the last minute, I just don’t think she sees it as a big deal.

I’ve been somewhat beaten into submission by accepting the fact that even though she technically is my wife on paper, I have to deal with the fact the she’s just out there being a 304. The truth is I cannot really afford a divorce attorney at this point. I could go broke trying to hire one, but shit it’s either go broke or deal with the bullshit. I guess i chose to deal with the bullshit.

I think that with some convincing and an actual plan, I might be able to get my lover to pay for it…..but that doesn’t even sound right. Plus, even though she is a lovely person in many ways, I don’t know if I can keep her happy. Even though she makes a shit ton of money, she says that money isn’t the most important thing to her and doesn’t expect me to ‘catch up’ to her.

I don’t mind the fact that she’d be the primary breadwinner, but her expensive taste is what sort of gives me pause. I think that because I don’t bring the money like that, I’d have to always work even harder to figure out how to keep her happy. This would trigger a level of codependency in me that wouldn’t be attractive to her. Plus right now, I feel that being effectively a ‘single’ father leaves me with very little emotional bandwidth to want to feel obligated to deal with handling an emotional woman.

It’s just not the right timing. Perhaps if I had more money, could buy her a house I think she’d be happy with and afford the wedding and ring she wants, then I’d feel better about asking her to sacrifice so much. But as of right now, I think that we’d be setting ourselves up for failure in the future if we decided to take things to the ‘next level’. I think she’d end up resenting me after a few years when the ‘newness’ of being a wife finally set in for her.

But am i just not being honest with myself? I met this woman at the airport this weekend and while waiting on our delayed flight, we went to a bar and started talking. She was the feminine tomboy type that I find myself having the most interpersonal chemistry with. For some reason, even though they ‘claim to not like men’…. I’ve always been attracted to them. They just seem so much more easy going and practical than typical women. For some reason they are just easier (for me anyway) to talk to. It was one of those situations where we never really ran out of anything to say and when there was nothing left to be said, there was comfortable silence. Conversation just flowed effortlessly and naturally. Jokes just happened like hiccups. I’ve met a few in my life and I can’t lie, I always dug their personalities and what they were able to bring out of me. Like I can just shut my brain off and just be me and be entertained by whatever I say.

She didn’t make a ton of money, but seemed pretty content where she was in life. However, she also seemed to be interested in ways to make more money if the opportunity arose. What’s dope was that she said that she didn’t go out much because she wasn’t familiar with the area and didn’t have a lot friends. Unfortunately, due us talking so much, and the fact that I somehow ended up missing my flight (long story)….I forgot to get her number despite her telling me to put it in my phone.

That being said. I don’t know about marrying her either, but if i were to ever get married again, I think I’d like to try one of them. I don’t like the ones who actually look like guys, but I think the term soft studs apply to ones I like. They actually look like women, but tend to wear pants instead of dresses and skirts. I’ve seen a few that were cute in the face and you could tell that they had decent bodies underneath their clothes. It looks like she’d actually look pretty decent if she decided to dress provocatively.

Idealistically, she’d just want to try a guy. Maybe have a kid. I understand that her attraction to women might kick in every now and again, but shit….i’d be cool with that as long as she was honest with me. For some reason, even though people say they are ‘masculine’, I find that they tend to be more cooperative than most women. They dress more modestly. They are more logical/reasonable. And are probably more aligned with things that I like to do. Old girl at the airport wansn’t exactly a 10 in looks, but she was a solid 6 in the face….and that’s without even trying. And i could tell that she had an ass on her. Maybe if she fixed that walk, but I might be able to work with it.

I don’t know if they’d even want to be married for real for real, but if were to have another child, I’d want one with one of them. It would be (as superficial as it is) part of my original goal as a youth to have 2 or 3 cool baby mamas. Maybe it’s the idea that they’d be low maintenance and it seems that a genuine friendship would be more important than the formalities required in a traditional relationship.

Either way, meeting her got me to wondering if my lover was like her type and wanted to get married, would I have as much problem with asking her to sacrifice for me. Would I ask her to move from her where she was to here for me? The honest answer is, I don’t think so. I think that I’d at least ask her if she really wanted to try the ‘family’ thing. Even if i was unsure of whether or not it would work out in the long run.

But maybe this is because I wouldn’t think that she’d require or would be disappointed if she didn’t have big wedding, fancy dress, nice ring, and luxury house. I think she’d be content with a regular life. Not that my lover is huge consumer of luxury goods, but she really does enjoy the nicer things in life. She wouldn’t be caught dead in say a Ramada Inn if we decided to take an impromptu trip or something and wanted to save a little money.

In short, she’d be supporting her ‘luxury’ tastes and would have to either foot the bill for ‘us’ to do so or I’d go broke trying to go in at least 50/50 on it. Those things don’t matter to me as the experience of just being with my person. If it came down to an either/or I wouldn’t hesitate to go the local Applebees with a person I enjoy over going to 5 star michelin resturaunt in Paris with someone who I was just ‘meh’ about. I’d do with no regrets, even if me and my person didn’t work out in the end.

Maybe it’s me being classist or something. Maybe I’m looking down on her because of her luxury tastes. But at the same time, I just don’t’ want to be under the pressure doing shit like that to keep her happy. Maybe it’s based in fear. Maybe she is telling the truth in that it doesn’t matter to her. But in my gut, I think she is sincere, but I don’t think it’s the truth. I think she would harbor resentment and it would manifest someway or another, even if she doesn’t say it with her words. I do realize that i could actively creating a self fulfilling prophecy with this kind of thinking. Maybe that’s something to consider a bit more as well.

Despite all of our differences, I really do love her. She is very dear to my heart. I adore her. But I do have a fear of disappointing her. Maybe that’s my issue or maybe I’m just being practical about our situation. I just don’t know if Love is enough.

It is so strange that for some reason, I sometimes have a desire to reach out to and talk to STBXW. I really have nothing to say to her. I don’t expect her to ‘change’ her mind and even if she did, I still would be 99% skeptical about her intentions. I don’t think she’ll ever be sorry nor understand the implications behind her actions. I know that she doesn’t truly love me and probably never really did outside of the ‘superficial’ feelings she experienced at the time.

I don’t expect that I’ll say something to her and she’ll suddenly be like “aahhhh, I see it now….I get it….you were right.” The things she’s done, the lies, the betrayal, is just a part of who she is. It’s a part of her character (or lack thereof). A ‘happily ever after’ marriage wasn’t in the cards for us. But her betrayal shows that it never could have been. I truly believe that it’s just not in certain people to do certain things to others under normal circumstances.

I mean even IF she somehow does manage to start seeing things my way, it’s like, there are so many things that make her less than an ideal wife for me. There is no turning back. I’ve never been the type of person to chase after a woman who doesn’t desire me. I have way too much self respect or ‘pride’ for that. Plus, a woman’s beauty doesn’t have the same effect on me as it once did. On top of that, STBW isn’t exactly 10. She was MY 10, but objectively, though she is decent looking. Looks aren’t such a priority for me that I’d be willing to subject myself to this level of disrespect from anyone. IDC if she looked like Joy Bryant or Zoe Saldana (two of the most beautiful women in the world to me), I just couldn’t see myself taking the bullshit.

So, if looks isn’t a factor, personality isn’t a factor, character definitely isn’t a factor…..I don’t know where this annoying desire to wonder what’s up with her comes from. Things really should be about ‘business’ only at this point. I should truly see her as a necessary ‘evil’ in my life. I should be as unengaged as I am about the political climate in this country. I should have reached complete apathy by this point.

I have painfully gone though one of biggest fears that almost any normal healthy man would face when it comes to his wife….infidelity and betrayal to another man. Obviously, there would be a lot of pain and adjusting to do. Yet, I haven’t fully disengaged to the point where I’d like to be. Complete apathy if not aversion. What is wrong with me?

Where is the disconnect? Not to boast, but I have two lovely women very interested in me right now. Yet, I am worried about someone who betrayed me so thoroughly. A person who betrayed my heart and my son. This person who cannot and has not reasonably justify her actions and yet feels no remorse. A person who had to know the damage they were doing to me while she was doing it.

Is this some sort of Stockholm Sydrome type of thing. A trauma bond that I haven’t been able to fully disentangle myself from? Surely I can’t be this pathetic? I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it. Being married to that woman feels like some sort of curse or something. Perhaps I just have to face the karma/consequences of my actions.

Looking back on some old emails we exchanged back in the beginning of our relationship; I think that she was actually with her ex boyfriend. Though I didn’t know the nature of the relationship….either I was led to believe it was effectively over or maybe I simply ignored it….perhaps this is my sentence for dealing with another man’s woman. Maybe there is a spiritual component to this. Maybe it explains why the king in the story of Abraham and Sarah got shook when he discovered that she was his actually his wife and not his sister. Maybe I am cursed and am in violation of “God’s law” (a spiritual rule). In a similar way as to how ‘ignorance’ of the law (of say something like electricity) does not absolve you from facing the consequences of being electrocuted if you do something wrong.

I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can finally move on.

My friend and I do not see eye to eye on a topic that I rarely hear discussed. It seems that the perception that a lot of women have is that if a man doesn’t want to get into a relationship or “wife” her, then he either doesn’t value her OR he is just using her for sex. In other words, he doesn’t “want” her.

This idea has me thoroughly perplexed as I don’t think I get the meaning of “want”.

What does she even mean by “want” her. To want something implies that you can “have” or “possess” something. I want a Dodge Ram pickup truck, but that implies that I own it. I am free to do whatever I please with it. It does what I want it to and doesn’t have a choice but to obey my wishes.

How can you “possess” a person? I mean, what specifically would I “want” with a woman besides a good time, intimacy, sex, and companionship. However, it seems that in order to keep that going, there is a LOT of maintenace and expectations required. Plus, she is under no obligation to always say yes.

Perhaps more context is needed. I mean take a friends with benefits situation. I do want her in the sense that I like the things she provides in my life. I do like her as a person. But not in the sense of feeling like I own her. I do desire certain things from her, but not enough to commit.

Maybe she means that I don’t want to commit. Instead of leaving it open like “he doesn’t want you”…..perhaps she should be more specific and say that he doesn’t want a committed relationship with her.

I like it better stated that way because if I didn’t want her in any capacity, I just wouldn’t deal with her. Leaving it at he doesn’t “want” her implies that he doesn’t value her at all and if that is the case then why would I be dealing with her in the first place?

However, it does imply that if she takes that “value” away, then I probably wouldn’t deal with her. That’s fair, however, I find hypocritical for the to say I’m wrong for that if she’d do the same thing to me if I stopped providing whatever value she thinks that I provide for her.

It really just goes back to the idea that you cannot own or possess people. If I decided to bite the bullet and take her on in a committed relationship….and she decided that either the “grass is greener on the other side” or she no longer valued whatever it is that she values now, would she be obligated to stick with me out of some principle? I wouldn’t even want someone to be there who doesn’t want to be there. They would be free to leave.

In addition, if I were not providing some value to her life, then why would she even deal with me in the first place?

I don’t get it. My friend thinks that a man who doesn’t commit to a woman doesn’t value her and is wasting her time. My reply is that if she is always free to leave him alone if she feels that way then why won’t she just do it. For example, if we were in a committed relationship and I was an ungrateful and lazy asshole who verbally abused her…..obviously that situation wasn’t working for her, then she should just leave it. In the same vein, then if she wants the ‘title’ and not having it isn’t working, then she could just as easily leave out of the situation.

Titles or “commitment” don’t stop anyone from leaving where they don’t want to be these days. Neither do they stop a person who wants to sleep around from sleeping around….or lying…. or doing anything they feel inclined to do. What difference does it make?

Ok, say we get into a “relationship” and things just don’t work out. Wasn’t it just a big of a waste of time as never being in one in the first place?

An analogy I like to use is that when you go on vacation, you go for a good time. You’re not trying to move there. So just because I don’t plan on moving there, does that mean that the trip was a waste of time. I mean you build memories and get to experience something pleasurable. So even when it’s time to “go home”, it wasn’t a waste of time. She won’t admit that my marriage was a waste of time. But either way, the outcome was still the same. Except now, we have to go through the arduous process of disentangling ourselves from each other as opposed to been able to have clean break.

Women and men leave marriages and relationships all the damned time for various reasons….some good and some bad. But was the marriage a waste of time? By her logic, pretty much all failed relationships were a waste of time. Idk, i just say enjoy the moment, but don’t expect for them to last forever.

I really think that all of this boils down to her wanting a “man” to deal with her bullshit. Just speaking to her, I couldn’t be her man. She’s cool. But she’s too damned needy and demanding. Like most women, they feel entitled for a man to give her the world. Keep her happy. Deal with her emotional bullshit. Mood swings. Wine her. Dine her. Take her on vacations. Ultimately many want for him pay her bills. And what do we get out of it. To say that we do all of that shit for her? And even if we manage to do all that, if she gets bored or tired or finds someone else she likes, she’s leaving anyway. If I lose my job or go through depression, will be feel obligated to faithfully stay by my side. Hell nall.

I don’t see how commitment benefits me in the slightest. And it’s not all about just me being selfish. It’s about being a realist and understanding that while I could decide to jump on that hamster wheel of trying to keep a woman happy in hopes that she won’t leave or cheat…..ultimately, she is under no obligation not to do so. Given that most put “their personal happiness” above all things, then I would be on the hook for making sure she is either reaching those goals or on the path towards it. Otherwise, I’d risk her leaving me anyway.

So why sign up for the job in the fist place. So yeah, I do want her for certain things. And yeah I don’t mind doing things that make her happy. Yes, I also want her to be happy. But I don’t want to be responsible for it. I don’t require it from her and I think it’s unfair for her to require it from me.

In that sense i can say that no I guess I don’t want her. I don’t want all the bullshit that comes along with trying to keep another MF happy. I don’t want the pressure of having to prove myself to her over and over again and should I fail once or twice, then she’s looking at me like I’m the asshole.

The reality is that I don’t want her because I understand that she is never mine, it’s just my turn. It’s stupid to desire something that requires so much effort and maintenance to maintain, that will leave you if you don’t. Fuck that, I see commitment as something completely different. Commitment to me means that you stick together through thick and thin. Good and bad times. When you feel like it and when you don’t. Whether you’re happy about it or not. I really don’t think that most women understand this. My friend even told me that she’d leave a relationship that she wasn’t “happy” in.

To me commitment means that you don’t to the gym or train only when you “feel” like it.

They want the benefits of a commitment, but not what comes along with it. Well the same applies to me with her. The only difference is that I don’t require commitment because I know that they mean something different than what I mean. I’m not signing up to be her personal genie in a got damned bottle. Of course it’s much easier for her to want a relationship where the other person is required to do much more than you. I am always required to bring something to the table and for her, most of the time, what she brings is optional.

I am trying to understand why so many women think that they are worth marrying. I mean sincerely.

It’s like, to me anyway, loyalty is the most important virtue I could think of when I look for a wife. Not conditional loyalty, but not necessarily blind loyalty either. It does however err on the side of blind loyalty.

Conditional loyalty seems that they are only ‘loyal’ when it benefits them. It seems that many will not just throw you under the bus to save themselves, but will also throw you under the bus if they think it can give them an advantage.

Hence, the idea of hypergamy. Hence why grass is greener syndrome is a real thing. This is where I believe that greed, selfishness, and entitlement comes into play. If they believe that they can get a “bigger, better deal” elsewhere, they will abandon their vows or word to you in order to get it. They justify it by saying (and probably actually feeling) that they “deserve” the best of the best. Even if that means throwing her man / and family under the bus in order to get the chance of getting it.

Because this is dishonorable and disgraceful (and many know it on a subconscious level), in order to justify it, they have to reconcile it by telling themselves that they are “miserable” or “unhappy”. Or that they “deserve” better. To make this work, they have to change their perspective of the man by highlighting his weakness, down playing his strengths. Often time this comes in the form of exaggerating how “bad” he is. While minimizing or overlooking his good qualities. They make themselves unhappy by focusing on the 20% they don’t have while not appreciating the 80% they do have.

If persisted in, this cognitive dissonance causes her to justify her destructive behavior and she does not feel guilty. She feels that it is a necessity. That it is justified even. Sort of how people compartmentalize killing during times of war.

She must not feel the hit to the ego (aka guilt) and will use all sorts of mental gymnastics in order to prevent this. She may outright lie and the scary part is that a lie persisted in will be believed. In essence, she believes the lies that she tells herself.

You can see this quite often when she is caught cheating in her unpredictable reactions. She exhibits a form of madness when reality comes crashing down upon her. She may get violent, or she may start doing things like threatening to ruin the guy’s life. Her anger comes from a place of confusion as she cannot remember that she was lying and is unable to reconcile reality with the illusions she created for herself. Unfortunately, many are too proud to see themselves as anything less than perfect and are unable to simply say “I was wrong.” Most would rather persist in “her truth” instead of facing the consequences of their destructive/immoral/ and selfish decisions.

This is why many are unapologetic about the evils they do and are unable to accept accountability for their actions. This is why I believe that many do face a form of mental illness. I think the bible describes it as having a reprobate mind. Society seems to handle them with “kiddie” gloves when it comes to holding them accountable for their actions. We are hesitant to “call them out” on it and if we do, we do it as tactfully as possible because we seem to be afraid of shattering their egos. This leads to them being unable to self reflect, thus they easily persist in “bad behaviors” even if they destroy everyone and everything around them.

I think this is why so many women hated Kevin Samuels. He was not tactful. He held them accountable. They got a taste of what men go through when we aren’t performing honorably. Men are often more harsh with our words and to our boys when we are “fucking up.” We learn quickly that there are consequences for our mistakes/ bad decisions. I think that they subconsciously feared what would happen if men universally adopted this method of handling them as we handle boys and men in our society.

In my opinion, another major reasons why women in the west generally aren’t marriageable is because they lack accountability. They don’t have to face consquences for their disloyalty to their men or families. They are not made to feel shame or guilt for making poor or bad decisions that hurt others. They are constantly treated as victims no matter what role they played in their predicaments. No matter what happens, it’s the man’s fault … either he was neglectful, not laying it down in the bedroom, he wasn’t ambitious enough, or anything to point the finger at him to cause her “bad behavior.”

In addtion to having no/little accountability for their behavior, they are also encouraged to pursue their own “happiness” no matter who it hurts or how they have to get it.

Given the fact that so many are led by their greed (for material things) and lust. They pursuit of these things often coincide with their “happiness”. Society has placed them on a pedestal, while at the same time convinced them that they are victims. They bought into the lie because again, society generally does not hold them accountable for their bad behavior. It often encourages it. They do terrible things and feel like a victim the natural consequences of those behaviors arise.

If a man were to abandon or leave his wife and family because he felt “unhappy”, he is ridiculed by his peers or looked down upon. Even if the woman isn’t treating him well or if she’s taking him for granted, he is still expected to suck it up and protect and provide. He is expected to either suffer or ‘figure it out’. He is expected to take the flaming arrows and bullets in order to protect his family It is shameful to abandon his duties. It is perceived as dishonorable. There may be men who actually do go ahead with abandoning their families, but by and large, these men are not perceived as honorable men. It isn’t encouraged or seen an “empowering.”

On the flip side, women (even in cases where abuse or infidelity aren’t present) …many women encourage her to pursue what makes her happy. They call her empowered. They justify and say things like “how can my kids be happy, if I’m not happy.” Even if her “happiness” comes from a place of selfish entitlement. There is never any context to why she was unhappy to begin with. Duty and obligation are not taken into consideration.

I don’t know why I’m so pressed about STBXW and her shenanigans. I really have 0 reason to respect her. From my POV, she not only abandoned our marriage, which proves disloyalty. She obviously doesn’t want me, which is normally a prerequisite for me being interested in a serious relationship with someone. She lies about her intentions of wanting to live in NY. Though she claims it’s because she makes “more money”; the reality is that she spends more than she would have if she lived here due to having to help split our regular bills AND pay for and apartment up there and having to pay for back and forth flights. Thus it evens out, probably to the point where she is keeping less.

This is her 3rd or fourth affair where she’s playing side chick to a dude who really doesn’t feel her like that. So many levels of the lack of self respect to that. So between actually losing money and chasing a loser guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with her…..and not being present for our son….and buying this guy gifts for fathers day, while neglecting her child’s actual father who actually takes care of him day in and day out on that day. (it’s not about the gift to me, it’s the principle).

In addition to the fact that she is married. She’s the one who decided to leave, but she is the one who too gotdamned lazy to sign her part of the divorce papers despite paying for legal assistance already. Not to mention that she’s stupid enough to actually believe the lies she tells herself about her motives for actually being there.

I’ve already accepted the fact that I picked bad. Her external appearance (of now) doesn’t reflect the poor character that she has shown to me. She actually said out of her mouth that she doesn’t think she’s a bad person because she doesn’t treat anyone else the way she treats me. Like ma’am, so you think it’s ok to treat your own husband and father of your child (who actually raises him) and also does way more for you like shit. Does she actually believe that just because she is treating some dude who is cheating on his girl with her like a king (actually begging him to come by and she’ll provide the liqour and food, just for the chance to suck him off)….as he treats her like a whore of convenience…. makes her a good woman?

You see this is the shit that burns me up on the inside. Picture a 40 something year old woman with this mentality. She’s pathetic. Actually willing to take a father out of his children’s lives. Trying to put love spells on him “to break the spell” that she thinks that his child’s mother / girlfriend put on to him. Spending money on dollar tree candles and fake psychics and burning them in my apartment on her visits pretending that they are to clear her chakras or some stupid shit.

This chick is nuts. I know all this because, yeah, I snoop thru her phone during her visits. She doens’t know I have the passcode. Yes it’s wrong, but I am unapologetic about it because otherwise, I wouldn’t know how far she’s fallen. I wouldn’t realize how unsalvageable this situation is and probably be trying to figure out how to “fix” things in an attempt to save our marriage and family.

Just saying, you gotta be down pretty bad by literally begging a dude (with a girlfriend) to come by just for a few minutes. She’s texting this dude paragraphs while he responds with one liners. Even going so far as to tell her to stop texting him so much. Yet when I used to text or send her videos pertaining to healthy communication or what not, she barely (if even) watches them.

So having self respect…..at least to the degree of not pursuing something so not worth it…..my motives in the beginning was to save our family….but now that I know, I realize this isn’t something that I could ever forget…..let alone forgive. Now, my motives are to somehow preserve a semblance getting along in an attempt to shield our son from the toxic nature of her chicken head mentality. If i responded in kind or with force to the disrespect I’m getting from HER of all people, then i could imagine the psychological toll it would take on her.

In certain ways, it feels as if I’m a human shield protecting him from flaming arrows being shot by her. I titled this post, squatter’s rights because I wanted to write about how it feels that she is taking up too much real estate in my mind without paying any rent. She is so not worth it.

Even though someday I hope that she wakes up and really understands what the fuck she’s doing. The reality is that she probably won’t. She’ll still walk around thinking she’s a ‘good’ / ‘decent’ person. She thinks that she deserves “love” from this guy. Or any guy for that matter. My question is how in the fuck does she think she deserves any kind of happy ending despite the selfish, wicked, and evil she has done to her own husband and family.

Shit….and this is who I picked to “risk it all” for? I seriously gotta question at this point, what the fuck was wrong with me back then. Surely there had to have been some red flags that I missed.

And looking back, perhaps it is my karma. When I met her, I think I do recall my cousin telling me that she had a boyfriend. Despite that I told her to give her my number. She ended up calling and for some reason, I started thinking that the situation with her ‘boyfriend’ was either ending or had recently ended. Or maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear. Either way, it was too recent at the time. She did mention something about trying to recoup a down payment for a wedding venue.