Went by to drop something off to my wife today for lunch. I feel so weak and insecure. Just didn’t know what to say. I know she’s lying, but I didn’t want to argue with her. I’m in such a negative mood lately and I don’t even feel like ‘having fun’ with her. It’s always a serious discussion. I know it makes me unattractive to ‘lecture’ her about her actions and behavior. At the same time, how can I lead if I don’t address the elephant in the room. She has to respect me, even if she doesn’t love me like she says she does.

Her “friend” called her while I was there and I decided to leave before I got mad again. She asked me to stay and talk about it. She didn’t answer and acted like he’s nothing serious. She claims he’s a player or whatever and he was trying to talk to other girls down there. It still doesn’t excuse her for lying about going to DR with him alone for a couple of days before the girls showed up. She swears that they didn’t have sex, but c’mon. She’s on a tropical island party trip, drinking alcohol, and alone with a guy who she claims has an attractive, fun, personality. She already cheated with him once for sure. She claims he has a lot of ‘girls’ as if that would stop her from sleeping with him.

I don’t believe it and she acts as if she understands why, but at the same time, she insists that “it’s not like that”. “He’s just a friend.” Man, see what I mean. That’s gas lighting. I lied and told her I saw some jordans in the room when she video chatted me. She didn’t deny that I couldn’t have. Gaslighting works so well because of the plausible deniability. She looked me right in my eyes and said that she didn’t sleep with him. Ok, do I look like boo boo the fool.

TBH, it really shouldn’t matter if she slept with him or not, either way, it was disrespectful, their continued communication is disrespectful to me. I told her that I felt it was wrong to allow him to disrespect the boundaries in our marriage. While acknowledging how she could see how I say that, she still insists that there’s nothing going on.

Here is what I know. She’s a liar. I want to believe her on some level, but I’d be stupid to do that. I want my marriage to work, but at the same time, I don’t. How can it work if I don’t trust her. How can it work if she acknowledges the disrespect but continues to do it anyway. She acts as if she’s stupid or naïve or something. She has to know that there are certain behaviors that men don’t do with other men’s wives unless he has an agenda. She harped on and on about how he has ‘other’ girls who he talks to all the time. As if her being married doesn’t cancel out the fact that he’s talking to other women. As if she’s never heard of ‘casual’ sex. As if her last affair partner wasn’t living with his baby’s mother.

So where does this grace thing come in at. Forgiveness is something she has to want. As of now, I want my marriage just bad enough that I could easily catch myself falling back into the sunken place. There is still a good amount of her venom (love) in my system and I can’t afford to relapse. As shitty as this feels, I have to keep crawling out. If she can’t respect me enough, then as heartbreaking as it is, I have to leave her. Without trust what do we have. She has to choose between our marriage and their friendship. Even then, I don’t know if I’d trust her enough to believe that she’d cut him out the picture as she’s lied so much about it. She’d probably end up resenting me in the end if I forced her to make that decision, but she made the choice to overstep our marriage boundaries. Truth be told, I believe that she’d waffle on the fence and forcing her to make the decision now would result in her lying about it all.

I mean all I can do is pray for her. Times like this make me want to find someone else to take the edge off. I don’t have a problem with getting numbers, but I don’t want a relationship. I know that infidelity is wrong so I’d really have to intentionally grieve the holy spirit in me in order to make that happen again. How can I pray for our marriage, but at the same time, be out there looking for a rebound? I don’t trust any woman at this point, but I don’t want to sell my soul by lying about my situation either.

If there is such thing as a soul mate, I wish she’d show up now. Maybe if I met someone who I had that easy connection with, it would take my mind off of this. Maybe the urgency of losing me would become apparent and she’d starting acting….ya know…normal. Or maybe she’d leave. But either way, they say that that many heroin addicts quit by using a weaker drug. This is an addiction complicated by the fact that quitting actually hurts my kid and goes against some of my beliefs.

All these MGTOW, IBMOR, and redpill videos make me feel better on one hand, but feel extremely bitter on the other. Reading scripture and praying makes me hopeful, but I do acknowledge that God won’t interfere with free will. Maybe He can set up the conditions where she realizes that she’s in error and chooses to stop being like that. It would be a testimony to look back someday and say we overcame the brink of divorce. At the same time, it requires me to step back and bite my tongue and overlook the bullshit. The best thing to do is what I have been doing, try to detach myself and avoid her like the plague even though that’s pretty hard. It would be ideal to find someone going through the same thing as me. At least we’d both know where each other is coming from and could provide that support for each other knowing that us being together would probably end up fixing things for at least one of us. We could at least be real with each other as we try to make sense of it all. It would at least give us something in common. And at least have someone to lean on instead of feeling alone at this.

I always heard that marriage is hard, but that’s an understatement if I ever heard one. This feels impossible. I don’t feel confident, I don’t know what I truly want anymore, and I’m hurt and bitter. I’m serious all the time with her. All the things that make men, ya know, unattractive.