I read an article this morning about a woman who ended up leaving her husband for her affair partner. In the end, despite breaking up two families with kids, they both appear to be ‘happy’ now. She acknowledged that the emotional pain and disruption turned out to be worth it. She somewhat acknowledged that their ex’s were both deeply hurt by it, but in the end, her newfound happiness was worth it to her.
Most of the comments, from women, were basically saying that we shouldn’t judge her. That we all make mistakes. That we sometimes, we hurt people who love us, but if we’ve never been in those shoes, we shouldn’t judge.
Screw that, I’m judging. In society, we judge people’s actions based on the impact they have on others. We don’t get to step over and hurt people in order to find our ‘happiness’. As if life is all about our personal pursuit of ‘happiness.’ I’m sorry, but that’s selfish and wicked. We judge rapists, child molesters, murderers, and thieves. Think about it, a rape is just a few minutes of sex. I’m not minimizing the fact that it’s nonconsensual. But the damage is due to the inhumane emotional and psychological damage that it causes the victim. The impact that it has on it’s victims causes them to suffer many years of mental pain and anguish.
We don’t tell rape victims to just get over it (as we shouldn’t). We don’t tell the rapist that he’s a good person who just did a bad thing. We tell them how messed up they are and they should have to pay for that somehow. When the families of murder victims seek the death penalty for that person who murdered their loved one, we don’t tell them to just “man” up. We show them empathy while at the same time condemn the murderer to whatever punishment is due.
Affairs and leaving for an affair partner creates massive damage in the lives of our children, left-behind spouses, family, and ultimately, the community. Families and homes are ripped apart. I’m not saying that people should never divorce, but leaving your family, lying to your spouse, subjecting them to humiliation, and destroying their home has a massive psychological impact to those who are victims here. And yes, many times, they are victims. I’m not speaking in cases where there is abuse, but in the cases where one spouse simply feels bored or ‘unhappy’ and doesn’t choose to address those problems as adults.
Men typically lose out the most. With no fault divorce laws, men lose time with their children, their home, half their assets, face child support and possibly alimony. In addition to losing all of that, many lose their jobs due the massive amount of stress they’re under. Many lose the ability to open up, trust and love again. Good men pride themselves on the ability to provide and take care of their families. Many would die protecting their families from any threat. And yet, an increasing number of wives, out of boredom and selfishness, feeling entitled to “happiness” do this to these men every day. Many men have committed suicide over this. This is the dark side that society seems to brush under the rug.
Many people say that both spouses usually had some role to play in the reason why someone had an affair. That’s really stupid. It’s like telling the rape victim that if she wasn’t wearing such revealing clothing then he wouldn’t have been attracted to her. Or telling the victims of a robbery that if they didn’t have so much stuff, then they wouldn’t have been targeted. In essence, we absolve adulterers from any personal responsibilities. Even worse, most affairs are deliberate and premeditated. There are many lies, manipulation, gas lighting, and often times emotional abuse that come along with it.
They say that time heals all wounds, but yet we don’t say that to rape victims and murder victims and victims of sexual predators. Sure, they may heal over time, but it is truly unfair for the perpetrators to just get off scott free. Added insult to injury is now, as a faithful spouse, you get to pay alimony, lose half your 401k and see your kids now being spending time with the home wrecker who disrespected your marriage and led to breaking up your home. Forgot to include to hours of lost productivity and astronomical lawyer fees that the homewrecker doesn’t face. He doesn’t see/ nor really care about the financial strain and emotional pain on your children’s faces when you have “the talk” with them. The cheater doesn’t have to face this alone because they now have the emotional support of their new love. They look forward to their new future while the victim has to cope with facing losing everything that meant something to them. It’s a very selfish act and personally, I don’t they are good people who just did a bad thing.
You could argue that Bernie Madoff, Hitler, Stalin, or whoever was a good person who did a few bad things. But what can you do but grin and bare it. Society at the end of the day doesn’t care. We live in a time where we feel that happiness isn’t earned but is a God given right. Where lust and infatuation means love. Where our responsibility isn’t to anyone else but to ourselves first. Where the end justifies the means, no matter what it takes to get there.
The Satanic mantra of “Do as thou wilt, that is the whole of the law.” is in full effect.