Learning to be the chooser

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the good guy vs bad boy narrative.  Some call it beta vs  alpha.    If we boil each type of guy down to their essential elements, I think we can come to the conclusion that we have the empath vs the narcissist.

It’s been said that empaths attract narcissists and that those relationships are explosive and passionate at the get go.   In the end, they end up toxic and hurtful, especially for the empath.

Empathic women love the explosive passion that these relationships bring in the onset.   The honeymoon phase is usually intense marked by tons of texts, all day conversations, and brilliant interactions.    These relationships become addictive, hot and burn bright.   When shit hits the fan though, it becomes difficult to let go.   The two partners have a real love/ hate relationship with one another, are unable to let the other go.   Usually, the empath, wanting to hold on to what was or what could be will deal with the sudden change that comes along with dating a narcissist.    The narcissist, feeding off the validation,  is empowered by knowing that they are wanted and desired so badly.   The narcissist, often charming and intelligent will find a new source to feed on while the empath tries to keep them there.   Enter triangulation, gaslighting, and other manipulation used by the narcissist to control the empath.

Narc’s have no problem with lying or cheating in order to get their way.   Empaths, in vain, usually try to appeal to the narc’s sense of morality.   Of course the narc won’t make it easy for the empath to walk away unless it interferes with their agenda of obtaining the new “source”.

The narc doesn’t have it easy though.    He is addicted to the feeling of being desired and can’t easily just let a person go who desires them back.   Their vanity and insecurity will keep them from just moving forward if they know that they can run back to the empath.  They will ruin a new relationship based on their vanity.   They can’t help themselves.    Dumping the narc before they have a new source will often lead them to do whatever to secure the empath.   Out of desperation, they might literally become crazy and start stalking or whatever.   The problem is that the empath can’t know whether the narc is sincere or not and will often stick it out with them.   Especially if they haven’t found anyone else.

Here’s the thing, two narcissists generally won’t attract each other for long.  They may hook up, but neither will deal with the other’s bullshit for too long.   Unless one is more sociopathic than the other, it won’t really have a chance to develop into an addiction.    Then again, if they do make it past the initial phase, they can go tit for tat with each other and that relationship could work as neither want to lose.    I suppose it could be pretty intense, and probably never really boring, but I’d imagine, very dysfunctional.

On the other hand, the relationship between two empaths won’t take off because they’d bore each other to death.   They would be both givers and neither would be demanding enough to demand much of each other.   Both would be too proud to put themselves out there like that for each other as an empath usually needs the other person to be vulnerable for them before they really open up.    But if they could, I would imagine that both could learn to appreciate the peace and stability over time.   They’d have to learn to chase each other to keep the other from feeling unappreciated.  They’d have to learn to be more demanding or else they’d risk falling into the ‘friend’ category with each other.   They must have great communication, respect,  and trust for each other or either would be at risk for falling for the intensity of a preying narc.

I think that my wife and I were both empaths and the problem is that she isn’t the self reflective type.   Her narcissistic  affair partner came along during an ebb in our relationship and pretty much turned her against me.   While she loved me, the slow steady burn we had probably couldn’t compare to the bright intensity of the “in love” feeling he made her feel.

As an empathic man, I’ve only had long term relationships with narcissistic women.  They actually put in the effort.   Called me first and seemed a bit ‘needy’ in the beginning.   The attention was flattering.  I never knew ‘why’ they liked me so much, but it seemed that they did.   They often made up shit about me that I knew wasn’t true, but hey, who was I to downplay myself.  Perhaps my experience with these intense relationships in the past kept me from being bored with my wife.

I’ve dated empathic women, but they tended to fizzle out over time.  It’s nothing explosive. We just we gradually stop communicating until I’m scrolling through my texts and realize that we hadn’t spoken in months.  Dunno how the relationship with my wife even came about.   We started out very intense, but it gradually slowed down.   Luckily, we were both pretty empathic….at the time….well actually, my wife isn’t really all that empathic.  She’s probably on the lower end of the narcissistic scale which would explain the intensity in the beginning, and the cold treatment later.

Her narc affair partner is at an extreme and so without the safeguards of a guilty conscious and previous bad experiences dealing with that type, she fell hard for him.

I think that empathic women who aren’t self reflective would find the stability and sweetness of a relationship as boring over time.   It’s not like all empathic people are good people.  They have their issues just like everyone else and can sometimes display narcissistic characteristics at times.

Perhaps, as an empath, I can take learn to chase more.   I mean be intense and deliberate.   Maybe not be so serious and sort of talk my way into feeling things that I don’t.  I have to learn to be more selfish and play the game to win her heart.   I’ve been too proud and fearful to really compete.  I felt as if I shouldn’t have to and that love should just “happen”.    I was afraid of coming across as ‘needy’.    But truth be told, perhaps the only people who will love you just because is your parents and family.

I don’t want to break anyone’s heart and if people love me, it’s hard for me to not love them back and treat them well.    I guess I appreciate and cherish the love in a real way.  Perhaps  my insecurity is thinking that I don’t deserve it, so I appreciate and want to reciprocate.    Narc’s on the other feel that they are entitled to it, regardless.

Empaths (betas) generally allow love to happen while Narcissists (alphas) make it happen.    Ironically, the ones who allow it are the ones who truly love while the ones who make it generally don’t.

Funny how life works.

 

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