So much pain

I’m amazed at how much pain one can endure in this life.   I was sort of indoctrinated into a ‘liberal’ viewpoint as a kid, but after recent events in my life, I’ve been leaning towards the the self-reliant viewpoint of conservatives.   While there are many viewpoints that are valid, I don’t think that they go far enough when it comes to how difficult it is to simply ‘pull oneself up by their own bootstraps.’

A lot of people’s problems are pathological.   We have this programming running in our minds and dysfunction is like malware on a computer installed in the background.   This programming often leads to self-destructive or maladaptive behavior.   A few of us may be self reflective enough to realize this, but even then, it’s a struggle to overcome it.

It takes a lot of work to recondition one’s self.   You have to really want it and you also have to know how to do it.   If it really were so simple to decide to be self controlled and self disciplined, wouldn’t we all just do it.   The danger in acknowledging that it isn’t easy is that it gives us excuses to fall back into bad habits or simply accept that it is what it is.

It’s sort of like quitting smoking cold turkey.  When I used to smoke cigarettes, I tried cold turkey and the hardest part was the constant idea that people were always saying how hard it was.   I mean it was hard, but half of the battle is mental.   I could technically go all day without a cigarette, say if I were trying to make a good impression on someone or I was on vacation where i didn’t have access to one and pretty much be ok.    I might want one, but I didn’t fiend for one.  But as soon as I decided to quit, I’d be dying for one by 10 am.

I’m still hurting so bad, but I know that it’s all mental.   If i could just snap my fingers and be ok, I would.   I can imagine what it feels like to no longer feel this way, and feel better in a way.   It’s not instantaneous, but it’s like dialing in to that feeling.   I can hold it for a few moments, but it does take concentration.   It comes back (on a low level) when I get distracted from dialing it in.   It’s almost as if I’m addicted to the pain somehow.

That said, I’ve been dealing with feeling this low level anxiety pretty much constantly for almost two years now.  The discovery of her affair and subsequent betrayals have  affected me in a way that I never knew was possible.  I wasn’t prepared at all for it and it’s much worse than I ever imagined.    I know that my wife can’t fix this and even if she were to start doing all the things that I need her to, I can’t open myself up to trust her.   I can’t go back to that again.     People really damage people when they hurt them like that.   Awareness really should be out there.   Love is no game.   I wish that society would stop excusing adulterers and cheaters.   This is a really serious condition that ruins people.  Lives are ruined.  Productivity lost.   Years of mental trauma ensue.  People commit suicide over this.   Good guys become players.  I don’t know if I can ever trust a woman again.   I mean, I won’t be a douche that cheats, but commitment probably won’t be in the cards for me anymore.   It’s sad, but I am a great father and thought I was a great husband.   But i can’t afford to take another loss like that again.

I don’t hate her.   I don’t think she really gets it.   She can’t feel my pain.   We as men have feelings too and I think that a lot of women think that we are all some emotionless sex craved bots or something.    She may not be the empathetic type and I’m ok with that.  Maybe we don’t need to be together and I could get over that.

I just want to get over this pain.







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