Having been married for around 10 years, going through separation, and facing the dating world leaves me in a place of absolute terror.   Ok, not that bad, I’ve met a few decent women, but nothing really serious.   I’m by no means a player.  Never have been, but I’ve always kept a girl or two on deck.  The thing is now, the way my life is situated is that I have to go out and meet women.

I don’t really get out much.   I’ve gotten pretty decent at holding and maintaining conversations due to driving lyft part time.    Since I don’t get out much I have to start cold approaching.   I’ve gotten a few numbers from cute riders, but I try not to make it a policy to get numbers from my riders, even if we have great conversations, unless she seems totally interested.   I met a few that way,  but again, it seems a bit douchey and unprofessional.    It’s a lot easier in the intimacy of a lyft ride where we have time and undivided attention, but again, it does seem unprofessional.   Maybe that’s just me.   Maybe i should really rethink that because it really is a great way to meet people.  But with metoo on the rise and based on the fact that you never really know what the hell people are actually thinking, I don’t really need for someone to complain that I was harassing her and report me.  Lyft probably takes that ish seriously and will like automatically take her side.

There is much to my game to be desired when I’m out at events or out running errands and I gotta push through it.  Sober.   It’s so easy when I’m drinking, but sober, it’s hard.   I’m hoping that the conversation skills I picked up can help, but still, I feel there is something more.

Here’s what I’ve noticed about myself.   I am truly a ‘nice’ guy.   It sucks.   I’ve heard enough females tell me that.   I cringe whenever I hear that.   At one time I thought it was a compliment and I know that they mean well when they say it.   But I also know that it would be damn near impossible to attract her if she feels that way about me.   I have to learn to suppress that side of me.   I’m not really sure how I come across that way so perhaps I should start asking.

I actually have to pursue women.  I look decent enough that I always had a few women who ‘liked’ me.    I thought that the combination of being ‘cute’, ‘nice’, educated, and fairly successful was enough to make me a pretty good catch.   I mean, I still think so, but apparently, it ain’t about what i think.     In the past,   I had enough women to think so and they basically threw themselves at me.  Most of my previous major relationships were with ‘aggressive’ women.   I didn’t have to chase much, and to be honest, while they eventually grew on me, I didn’t really like them in the beginning.  I was just flattered that they showed me so much attention.   Of course, women make it easy for you when they start off liking you.    I now realize that I have to actually go out and pursue, not take no for an answer (at least soft no’s) and wear her down.   I mean, it worked against me, so theoretically, it should work in the reverse.    I have to actually find a women worth pursuing though.  Plus, I don’t have luxury of time as most of my previous relationships were in circles where we always ran into each other.   It could also be that my lack of attention in the beginning made them like me even more.   I gotta keep that in mind.  It’s about finding that right balance.

I have to learn to lead.   I’m pretty bad at this.   My approach is to often not plan and kind of hope that things just fall into place.   It can if she really likes me, but these days, it’s hard to tell.   I’ve had great ‘meetups’ with women, but nothing really came of them.    An ideal date is to meet up at a coffee shop and we just sort of waffle our way through the evening and end up in the bed.  In reality, while it should seem that way to her, I should already have it mapped out.

I need more confidence.   I know that confidence is key, but in the past, I’ve often wondered what girls saw in me anyway.   I always compared myself to more successful, charming, funny, good looking guys and wondered why they dealt with me.   I mean I’m ok, but certainly not the best out there.    Neither were they and I never considered that.  I do (or thought I did) a pretty good job at faking it though.   But it wasn’t from my core.

I have to be more fun.   It’s all to easy to fall into the category feeling like I have to ‘entertain’ them in order for them to like me.   That puts a lot of pressure on me and takes the fun out of it.   I end up trying too hard and if I tell a bad or corny joke, I am too harsh on myself.    If she laughs at it, I think it’s a sympathy laugh.  If she doesn’t then I think I’m a fuck up.    Or I’ll take the egotistical route and think that she’s just not that bright or just stuck up.    At the end of the day, I just have to remember that even though she is possibly judging me to see if she’s going to sleep with me, I need to have fun….most importantly for me.   It’s really along the lines of making myself laugh first, and if she doesn’t follow suit, then oh well.

I really can’t emphasize that ‘nice’ guy thing too much.   I get that way too much.   I had a great conversation with a passenger last night.   We somehow got onto the subject of ‘cold reading’ and I asked her to ‘cold’ read me.   She was doing ok, but then of course, she said, “you’re a nice person.”   I knew that I was dead in the water when she said that and in the spirit of trying not to ask for numbers while driving, I didn’t even bother even though she sat in the back seat after we arrived for a few minutes to finish up our conversation.

My wife has been throwing hints about possibly getting back together, but I’m not really taking much stock into that right now.   Nothing has really changed except the fact that I moved out and I don’t really ask her about her ‘friend’.

On one hand, I was hurt so bad and ego damaged so badly that I just can’t find it in me to want to pursue her.  I’d look and feel really stupid to chase someone who basically told me to go fuck myself while she was cheating on me.     My confidence was shot to zero because I didn’t move on at the first sign of the affair.    It’s hard to open myself up and just have fun because she hasn’t really shown much sympathy over the situation.    I mean I kind of want to see if we can work it out, but subconsiously, whenever I feel like things are going back to normal, I get a shock into reality that this is the same woman who betrayed me and had no sympathy about doing it.    I don’t know if I can trust her, even if I make the changes.

Perhaps God is answering my prayers.   I wonder if she is finally thinking about what we’re losing or if I’m just a placeholder till the next guy comes along.    She’s just throwing hints so I won’t run with it too far.

On the other, I do want my family back.  I do want for my son to have a two parent home.   We work pretty good as a team, even though now, it’s much more apparent to me that I did most of the work.   It was never about that though.   That’s the nice guy in me.   He has to die either way.  I also feel that my vows were important.   I made them in front of God.  I’m confident he can help us through this if we maintain our faith.   I’m still torn on it.

Adulting is hard.